#james callenreese

[kodzutestu]

I miss my little gay men.

[writtenicarus]

SURPRISE!!! IVE STARTED A BANANA FISH JEGULUS AU!! the first chapter is 6k and up now!! This fic is gonna need a lot of work but I'm excited and worked up. If you haven't watched the anime, you can read it as just another modern au I'm sure you'll love!! Please reblog and share <3

[hamliet]

What are your thoughts on Jim Callenreese aka Ash’s father?

Hi Banana Fish question ☺️ Ash’s biological father, James/Jim Callenreese - we know that after going to the police, and coming up short he decided to tell Ash to basically let himself be assaulted but get paid, and well I was in a discussion about this a few days ago. To which one person said what exactly is wrong with what he said? How is that advice wrong? And what should he have said? And I can’t fathom how it was correct of him to tell his son to basically allow the abuse to happen but make sure you get money out of it? I know he did go to the police, and they were not of help but that doesn’t mean he took the right measures to protect or comfort his son! And they were also like what was Jim to do? He couldn’t go after the coach with no evidence(I also remember the coach was well-respected), and while I get they’re kind of right there. It would be hard with little to no evidence or going against someone who’s loved by the community, but there had to be other ways he as a parent could have protected his child! Like move away from that town, keep a close eye on your child(like walk to and back from school) and hell pull your child out from soccer practice where the rapist is(It was Ash’s soccer coach)! Another thing is do you think it’s wrong to be disgusted by his behaviour towards Ash when he briefly returned home? To simply want/wish he was a bit nicer/a lil empathetic to his estranged child even though Ash ran away? Instead of being degrading/insulting like he was!

Diff asks, answering together.

I despise Jim Callenreese, and I think we are supposed to feel angry and disgusted with him. He's a failure of a father, 100%.

However, failed dads and abusers can still love their children/victims to a degree. Just not enough, and loving them doesn't save them.

I do think Jim loves his son to a degree. I just think he failed his son, and is a coward unwilling to face his failures. His love for his son is not strong enough to eclipse his love for himself. Whether or not you'd call that love is up to you, because the degree of care is surely weakened by the vast, vast ways in which Jim Callenreese failed Ash. Even doing minor things like covering for Ash in some ways doesn't fix what he did wrong.

what exactly is wrong with what he said? How is that advice wrong? And what should he have said?

Honestly, this type of attitude scares me. I can only assume the person who wrote it is very young, because like, I'm at an age where I hope to have children in the next couple years, and... don't have kids if that's your attitude. I firmly believe that you should be willing to sacrifice for your kids especially when they are so young, and Jim wasn't at all. He let it keep happening to keep other aspects of his life comfortable. That's what he did. He chose himself over his son. Move to Boston and live in a homeless shelter if you have to, Jim. Just, try. Even if you can't succeed, try to protect your kid. I promise it means more if you try and fail than if you never tried at all.

There's a factor in the manga that the show neglected, too: Ash's mom was 17 when she gave birth to Ash. So. Yeah, I think we're supposed to see Jim failing Ash in part because Jim, himself, isn't a good person and has himself sexually taken advantage of a vulnerable teenager, even if it wouldn't have been illegal in Massachusetts.

[fanfic-fairyy]

Asheiji fanfic recs pt. 4

Pt. 1 , 2 and 3

Brooklyn Baby by suffragettecity(41k)

Front-man Ash Lynx goes from coast to coast with his bohemian band. Photographer Eiji Okumura goes from journalist to groupie with his newfound freedom.

Your Best American Boy by suffragettecity(57k)

Cherry popsicles, bummed cigarettes, wrinkled photographs and shirtless nights. The summer a Japanese tourist moves in across the street, and an American boy falls in love through the fire-escapes.

Dusk till Dawn by equinoctial(97k)

“Alright. But you stay safe okay? I mean-” Eiji immediately regretted his reflexive reply to a goodbye. This wasn’t just your ordinary stranger, this was probably a powerful wizard for crying out loud.

But instead of an awkward laugh, the wizard settled with a gentle smile, the kind that reached his eyes and made the mystifying jade more brilliant than ever.

“Thanks. You stay safe too,” and with that, the wizard hopped off the balcony and vanished into the crowd below.

---

In which Eiji gets cursed into a ghost, the kingdom wages war on its neighbours, and the devil wizard Ash Lynx roams the wastelands while striking fear into the strongest of hearts.

But of course, fate would see the seemingly heartless wizard fall in love with a heart that had so much to give.

satin birds by kybelles(48k)

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

Mr. James R. Callenreese and Ms. Hideko Aoki are very delighted to announce the engagement between Mr. Callenreese's son and sole heir to Callenreese Corporotions Mr. Aslan J. Callenreese and Ms. Aoki's beloved nephew Mr. Eiji Okumura. The happy couple haven't decided on a wedding date yet.

(Except, Ash and Eiji are not happy at all because they don't want this marriage.)

of sugar cookies and chocolate puddings by kybelles(3k)

Eiji first meets Ash on a gloomy sunday afternoon.

After a little silence, the door is slowly opened by someone Eiji doesn’t notice at first. When he lowers his eyes a little, however, his gaze meets with a pair of bright green eyes. He takes a little step back, taking the appearance of the blonde kid who’s standing in front him. The suspicious scowl on his face softens a little when his eyes catch the plate in Eiji’s hands but he keeps holding his guard.

“Um…” Eiji begins hesitantly.

“What do you want?” the boy asks with a challenging face.

“M-my mom sent this.” he stammers finally, pushing the plate forward a little clumsily.

be my mirror, my sword and shield by kybelles(15k)

Ash Lynx finds the love of his life on a quiet night after he trips on sidewalk and harshly bumps his face against it when he exits from library.

Ash lets out a long-suffering sigh and prepares to take out his phone when he hears a sharp inhale and feels someone approaching him in a hurry. He defensively turns towards the noise but freezes like a deer caught in the headlights.

There’s guy in front of him who’s looking at Ash with concern and the sight of him literally makes Ash’s heart flutter like it’s never done before. He has the softest looking black hair Ash’s ever seen and for a crazy moment, Ash feels an irrepressible urge to run his hand through it. The guy’s already big dark eyes grow impossibly bigger when they land on Ash’s bruised cheek.

“Oh my god!” he shrieks in an adorable manner. “Are you okay?”

“You must be an angel.” Ash blurts before he can stop himself.

Sacrifice by signpainter1(33k)

Ash, the Sun God asks for only one thing; a daily sacrifice of wheat to help him maintained the fields. When war threatens the country, they turn from a wheat sacrifice to a human one. People are brought to the capital including the man Ash loves the most, Eiji Okumura. Ash has to find a way to prevent Eiji from dying which is hard when humans only hear only what they want to hear.

The One With the Vampires by TurnUps(99k)

Eiji Okumura has travelled to New York state because a Count Golzine is paying him an awful lot of money to take some pictures of his house. It doesn't take long for him to find out that he's the intended prey for creatures of the night.

But he instead to save the mysterious Ash, Golzine's supposed son, as well as himself.

*

Ash put his hand over the boy's mouth. Kept him pushed against the wall.

"Listen to me." His voice came out as a growl - a monster's voice. "If you go up to the Golzine Estate, then you won't come back down. With or without the money, you won't see a cent of it. That man - that - thing - he lives to trap pretty boys like you into his web, and he'll gobble you up before you realise you're stuck. Go. Home."

The boy didn't struggle. A rabbit who knew it had been caught in a snare. Dark eyes stared at him - wide. Maybe that meant he was finally seeing sense.

His lips were parted, under Ash's palm. He became away of that. Warm skin and warmer breath. A familiar feeling reared its head in his stomach. A hunger.

No. He could not save this boy from Golzine's clutches just so that he would fall prey to his own.

Uncharted Waters by midnitewrites(148k)

A routine day on the water is turned on its head when fisherman Eiji Okumura spots a strange creature in his fishing net. His excitement quickly morphs into disbelief when he realizes that what he caught is no fish: it’s a mermaid, beautiful and deadly—and, as he soon learns, gravely injured.

Desperate to save them, Eiji spirits the mermaid away to his home and nurses them back to health in his bathtub. As they recover, he learns more about them and their situation: their name is Ash; they can’t hope to survive without a fin to replace the one they lost; and in a year’s time, their pod will once again return to the bay where Eiji first found them.

Together, Eiji and his friends devise a plan to rehabilitate Ash and reunite them with their pod. Yet as Ash gains strength, so, too, do the bonds they forge, and the prospect of saying goodbye becomes far more difficult than any of them bargained for.

Bed of Roses by TurnUps(103k)

Eiji had been watching the boy for the last three dances.

Well, he had been watching, but not watching. Every time the boy’s gaze came anywhere near him, he stared back down at the table, hoping that he hadn’t been caught.

It was the boy’s hair that had caught his eye at first. Yellow – somewhere between yellow and white. He’d never seen hair that colour before. Didn’t know it was possible for real people to have hair that colour. It was as though there was a miniature sun around his head. As if he was a candle, with its own flame.

The flame flickered in his eyes too. Green eyes – he’d rarely seen them, either – and none quite as vibrant a green as his. They sparkled like emeralds, above flashing white teeth. His waistcoat had a hint of green to it, that brought them out all the more.

*

Western/Cowboy/Young Guns AU! Eiji has travelled to America with Ibe because of fishy business with the mayor of a small town. Ash runs a group called the Regulators after the same thing.

And in That Light, I Saw You by ohrange(125k)

After a traumatic experience renders Eiji unable to attend school, Ibe suggests taking some time off to work as his photography assistant at an agency in New York. Eiji takes to the idea well enough, but doesn’t expect to get involved into investigating a sex-trafficking ring… something that Ash, a model at the agency, has been secretly keeping evidence of for years.

[In which Ash is a model with a dark past no one dares to question, and Eiji is a design student who escapes from Japan only to be met with the same thing he wants to forget.]

Rewrite the Stars by Hamliet(58k)

When exchange student Eiji Okumura arrives at his American high school for a year abroad, his worries about fitting in and earning As are quickly swept aside when he meets Ash Lynx, a genius rumored to have spent time in juvie last year. Between Ash, his friends Shorter and Sing, and the mysterious younger brother of the school's principal, Eiji finds himself drawn into a power struggle that he realizes is more familiar than he thought. High School AU... (like, where they're actually in school + there's a chance of healing).

Ain't it like thunder under earth by Snow_Falls(11k)

'Alex clarified, when again it seemed like Ash wouldn’t reply. “Whoever goes with the boss has to spend some time fooling around with him.”

“Who is going with Ash?” Eiji had to ask.

There was a significant pause. The boys looked at Eiji and away.'

Fake dating, then real dating, with the mildest of heists thrown in for flavour.

[Read the tags before reading the fic<3]

[mr-shimurka]

Imagine young Jim Callenreese

His sons are very much like him🥺

[foxhole-cat]

BANANA FISH QUESTION

*Episode 6 Spoilers*

Why did Ash’s dad call Ash a whore and be completely awful to him? When he was explaining Ash’s past, and talking about how Ash got raped multiple times, he said he brought Ash to the cops, and when they didn’t do anything, Jimmy was the one to tell Ash to do it for money and let the pedophiles touch him.

Why exactly was Jimmy such a dick to Adult Ash? Why did he call him a whore, when he seemed more upset with the lack of police action, then he did with Ash’s assault?

[louonce]

My endgame y'all

[catharsis-in-a-bottle]

this genre is called "chaotic light-haired bisexual who's not afraid to use a gun, has a distinct power of command, and who has fallen in love with darker-haired best friend"

[cyncallenreese]

THIS ! ! ! 💙

Today I got the most beautiful and precioust self made presentos to my birthday from my oneekan @xsagaralisa like always TT^TT and I'm reaaally happy!! 💙💙 💙 💙 💙 when it comes to self made stuff no one has such great and amazing ideas as she has!! I love her self made presents so much!!!! Just look what she did for me my poor Yuumori heartooo 😭 💙 💙

And not to forget, my precious birthday card!!! Thank you for all these precious words osneekan 🥺 and and for my drawing of me and William 👉🏻👈🏻 💙 jfkfjg

Plus:

My oishiii and adorable cakey 🤤

Too much happiness for my poor heartoooo arigatooou oneechaaan for this beautiful birthday and the other presents that i got from yooou 🥺💙💙💙💙💙💙

[chaoslynx]

Me? Constantly ready to fistfight Ash's father whenever I think about him? Absolutely -coffee anon

Yes! We hate one James “Jim” Callenreese! Fuck him uuuup

[cosmicjoke]

Ash and his consistent lack of hate

It is an important point in understanding Ash’s character to acknowledge and examine his consistent lack of malice in everything he does, even when committing acts of violence.  He isn’t at all a hateful person, and this is an important and defining character trait which has a direct impact on his decisions and the events that eventually unfold within the story.  When you take into consideration all that Ash has been through, the extraordinary depth of suffering he has lived through in his young life, the absence of hate in his heart is all the more astonishing, and you understand then this lack of hatefulness can only be natural within him for it to endure through such overwhelming pain.

More striking still for how you realize all of Ash’s enemies are driven and consumed by their own hatred, in one form or another, motivated by their inherent cruelty, twisted desires, and self-serving ambition, while Ash himself never displays any sense of real venom or hatred, even towards those who have committed unspeakably horrific acts against him.

Certainly, Ash feels anger, even rage, towards those who have repeatedly and unforgivably wronged him, but never actual hate.

Let me explain.

Let’s start at the beginning.

Ash first kills at the age of eight.  It is the desperate act of a child forced to defend himself after the abject failure of the adults around him to protect him against the horrific sexual abuse he’s suffered at the hands of a monster meant to serve as a role model and guardian himself. First, in the police, the supposed representatives of “justice”, refusing to believe Ash, before outright blaming him for it happening, accusing an eight year old child of “seducing” his abuser.  And then in Ash’s own father, failing to keep his own son safe, allowing the abuse to go on, again and again, for who even knows how long.

Ash later tells Eiji that he cried afterward, because he didn’t feel anything while he did it, but Ash’s very admission at having cried contradicts this claim.  He felt deeply over the act he’d just been forced to commit, an act Ash was too young to fully comprehend the meaning of, too young to grasp it’s full implications, either for himself or anyone else, but upset enough by it to reduce him to tears afterward.  The fact that Ash cried at all over having killed a man who repeatedly and brutally raped and molested him and who would have eventually killed him, given the numerous other children he had already murdered, is remarkable.  There was no malice behind Ash’s act.  No hatred.  No pleasure.  No satisfaction.  Ash didn’t kill the baseball coach out of a sense of revenge, or because he wanted to. He killed him because he had no choice. He killed him, because nobody else was able to protect him.  Because he was an eight year old boy who simply wanted the pain to stop.  It was purely an act of self-defense.  

This connects to later on in the story, and to Ash’s relationship with his father.  

Ash has every reason and right to hate his father.  Firstly, for how James Callenreese was so neglectful and uncaring a parent when Ash was born and growing up, that he would have starved to death if Griffin hadn’t stepped up and taken responsibility for his care.  Secondly, for how it was essentially James’ fault that Ash ended up alone, at the age of eight, on the streets of New York, only to be found and captured by a twisted pedophile in Marvin, again repeatedly and brutally raped, passed along to Frog to have more of the same done by him, before being sold to another pedophile in Dino, and into an underground child sex trafficking ring, only for the abuse to continue on like that for years and years more, before he’s forced into a life of crime and violence, out on the streets again. And then, when at last Ash returns home to Cape Cod after ten years of this absolute nightmare of abuse and suffering, he is greeted by his father calling him a “whore”, accusing Ash’s friends of being “clients” of his, and proceeding to then tell Ash to “get out”. Real father of the year material here.

And yet, despite all of that, and it is a LOT, Ash doesn’t hate his father.  Why?  Because Ash, at his fundamental core, is a good person.

Ash never shows any hatred, not even any real anger towards his father, despite the utterly blatant verbal and emotional abuse James lays on him, refusing to take the bait of his father’s petty tactics of hurling insults and accusations, blaming Ash for everything that’s happened to him, because he’s too much of a coward himself to face his own guilt and accept his own role and responsibility in his son ending up like he has.  Ash only responds to James’ cruelty with a quiet resignation and acceptance of his father’s rejection and hostility, telling his friends to forget it when they express shocked horror at James’ treatment of his son, and promising to leave once he gets what he came for from the other house on the property.  Later, when James is shot, Ash shows genuine pain and concern for him, and breaks down into tears when he’s forced to flee and leave his injured father behind.  He forgives his father for his weakness and his cowardice, and doesn’t hold his rejection of Ash against him, despite, again, having every reason and right to hate the man.  Ash, in spite of it all, still loves his father, in defiance of all the pain the man has caused him.

This is a truly extraordinary display of kindheartedness on Ash’s part.  A testament to the astounding goodness innate to him.

And that innate goodness which so characterizes who Ash really is continues on in him, even as he’s thrust into a nightmarish hellscape of violence, cruelty and savagery.  

The next example to look at as proof of Ash’s inherent goodness, is the conflict between him and Arthur.

The first conflict between them arises when Arthur sets Ash up to be sent to Juvenile Detention, and then proceeds to bribe another inmate to try and kill Ash for him.  Arthur tires with very real intent to kill Ash, because of the assumption that Ash is, one day in the future, going to be a threat to him and his claim to power among the youth gangs of New York.  Because of Ash’s natural abilities and intelligence, he can see how others are just naturally drawn to this young fifteen year old boy, inclined to follow him, and he wants to eliminate Ash before his own crew members start ditching him for someone better.  He does this, even though Ash has never actually done anything to hurt Arthur up to this point. This fact is really important to note.  While in Juvie, Ash, due to those natural abilities Arthur so feared, begins to attract the other street kids to him, without even wanting it or having to try. Ash makes no attempt to win their loyalty or alliance, and is made uncomfortable when they start to give it to him, because it isn’t something he ever strove for or wanted.  Not something he ever intended to gain.  Ash shows no ambition towards that goal, and it’s even mentioned more than once by Dino in the story that Ash has never shown any real ambition or desire to be a gang boss.  The other streets kids, therefor, give him their loyalty of their own volition. They realize, after Ash’s fight with Frankie and his crew in the library, that Ash is superior, and capable of protecting them, and so they start to follow him around, aligning themselves with him, forming a gang around him.  

Eventually, more and more street punks choose Ash as their leader, and you have to assume, by the time he gets out of Juvie, he’s got a fairly sizable crew of street kids ready to follow him wherever he goes and in whatever he does.  Again, it’s vitally important to note that Ash didn’t choose this.  It instead chose him.  Ash accepts this responsibility placed on him by the other street kids, because the real reason they’ve chosen him is because they think he can protect them and keep them safe.  

This new reality for him, and the attempt to kill Ash, of course, leads to an eventual, unavoidable one on one confrontation between him and Arthur.  Ash wins.  At this point, Ash has every right to kill Arthur.  Not only would it be accepted, but it would be expected by the other street punks, and would also prove to be of great benefit to Ash, both in eliminating a legitimate threat against himself and in solidifying his newly acquired position as gang boss.

And yet, Ash doesn’t kill Arthur.  He lets him live, his only punishment to Arthur for trying to kill him and losing their fight to destroy Arthur’s ability to use a gun.  And given Arthur’s reputation for ruthless violence and brutality out there on the streets, and his obvious willingness to kill people who have never done anything against him, along with this being an act of mercy, this is also Ash’s first step in ensuring the safety of the kids now under his command.  Once again, him accepting the responsibility those same kids have placed on him.  He’s making sure, even as he lets Arthur live, that he doesn’t have the ability to easily kill anyone else.  He also allows Arthur to keep operating in the area, even when Arthur has done nothing to earn that right.

Ash’s act of mercy would later come back to haunt him, for reasons all of us already know of course.  

Arthur says to Ash, right before their final battle, “Ain’t you gonna ask?  Don’t you wanna know… why I hate you so much?  You know why, huh?”  Ash tells him “yeah”, he does know, and then he says “But that ain’t my fault”.  They’re talking about Ash’s natural abilities, his natural talent, the way people just chose him to be their leader.  Arthur admits this is true, that it’s not Ash’s fault that he has these things, or that people naturally want to follow him.  And then Arthur says “Y’know, you’re absolutely right… You prob’ly never wanted it that way.  But that just makes me hate you all the more.”.   Arthur is driven by his hatred of Ash specifically because he knows Ash doesn’t even want to be a boss, while Arthur himself wants it more than anything.  Ash is so naturally gifted and charismatic and capable, that he inadvertently draws people to him, without him even having to try, without him even meaning for it to happen.  Arthur hates Ash for this, is overwhelmingly jealous and envious of his talent, his hate compounded by Ash not even wanting the gifts that make it seemingly so easy for him.  Again, this is similar to Yut-Lung, in how we have a character who is consumed by their hatred towards Ash for having something they don’t.  The sickening irony here is that, all of these gifts and abilities which people like Arthur are so jealous of, have done nothing but bring Ash misery and pain.  His good looks, his intelligence, his physical reflexes.  They’ve all been used as excuses for others to destroy and take away his life and his choices.  It’s the very reason Ash gets into a fight with Eiji, when Eiji scolds Ash for not understanding how people who don’t have his exceptional abilities feel.  Ash gets so angry here, because Eiji is making the same mistake that everyone makes when they see Ash and everything he seemingly has, assuming it makes his life better, when in reality, all having these exceptional abilities has done is make his life exponentially worse.  Eiji eventually realizes this, realizes the mistake he’s made in judging Ash for the choices he’s had to make, and that’s when we see Eiji vow never to leave Ash’s side, and to simply accept him for who he is.

But back to the topic, Ash’s initial mercy towards Arthur, despite all of this, serves as a prime example of his lack of hate, once again, against a person who himself outwardly hates Ash, who did him and intended him very real harm.  Once again, Ash’s actions aren’t motivated by any feeling of malice, or vengeance, or to satisfy any sort of urge, but by self-defense, and defense of others.  

This is mirrored in Ash letting the two members of his own gang live after they had betrayed him by working for Dino, even as, once again, it would have served him better to simply kill them, once again his act of mercy coming back to haunt him when those two run back to Dino and rat Ash out about his knowledge of Banana Fish.  

Ash shows mercy again when letting his would be assassin in Chinatown live, telling Shorter’s guys to let him go.

Other, more minor examples, but still just as telling about who Ash is, is his initial dynamic with Max.  When Ash and Max first meet, their relationship is nearly antagonistic, the two of them even coming to blows a few times, Ash feeling deep anger towards Max for shooting Griff in Vietnam and leaving him abandoned in a state hospital afterward, Max consumed by guilt over the fact.  But even in this initial anger, Ash eventually admits that he doesn’t hate Max.  He says specifically to Max “I wish I could hate you.  I needed someone to hate.”.  Even when Ash wants to hate someone, he can’t bring himself to.  Again, further proof of how that kind of malice just isn’t natural within him.  He can’t bring himself to hate, even as he actively tries to.

The same applies to Blanca.  Blanca gives Ash plenty of reason to hate him when he initially shows up in the story. Blanca was really the only adult in Ash’s life before the main events of Banana Fish who didn’t actively abuse him, or really even use him in any way, and was thus able to gain his trust and even admiration.  It’s safe to say that Ash looked up to Blanca and saw him as a protector to at least some extent from the rest of the abusive men around him.  Blanca’s betrayal of Ash to Dino then must have been particularly painful to him.  At the start, not only does Blanca stalk Ash and work him needlessly up into a state of extreme anxiety and fear (remember, this is a kid who’s constantly having to look over his shoulder, constantly living under the stress and pressure of having his life threatened), but he then forces Ash into sacrificing everything he’s worked and risked his life for up to this point in the story, everything his friends and family have died for, his very freedom itself, by turning himself back over to Dino’s clutches, allowing himself to be held captive by his oldest and longest abuser, all because Blanca is threatening to kill Eiji if he doesn’t.

Even with all of this, and again, just like with his father, it’s a lot, Ash never shows any real malice or hatred towards Blanca, or expresses any desire for revenge against him. He only ever shows real anger and hurt, understandably, but even then, eventually, he forgives Blanca entirely, and puts his trust in him again by accepting his help.  In the end, he even wishes Blanca good luck with his life, and displays a genuine fondness for him in their final encounter.

The next, prime example of Ash’s lack of malice is in his rivalry with Yut-lung.

Yut-Lung does some truly horrific things to Ash.  Firstly, in his blackmailing Shorter into betraying Ash by threatening to kill his sister Nadia, essentially acting as the lynchpin that set the events in motion that would lead to Ash having to kill his own best friend in order to save Eiji, in turn causing Ash untold emotional and mental damage.  Secondly, by allowing his own, petty jealousy and hatred to force Ash into a position in which he has to give up everything he’s worked for in uncovering and exposing the truth behind Banana Fish, to break free from Dino, to avenge his brother, and Shorter and Skip, and to sacrifice his very freedom in order to protect Eiji, and after that, again allowing his jealousy and hatred to lead him in setting into motion numerous attempts to destroy the one good thing Ash has ever had in his life by trying to kill Eiji.  After all of this, once again, it would be more than understandable and justified if Ash hated and wanted to kill Yut-Lung.  And yet, once again, there’s never any real sense from him that he does.

We see him threaten to kill Yut-Lung immediately following Shorter’s death, when Ash’s own emotions are running sky high, dealing with unimaginable trauma and pain. Yut-Lung comes into the room Ash is being held captive in, mockingly leaving him the key to secure his escape, and Ash’s angered, threatening reaction to him at that point can only be expected.  Anyone in Ash’s position would do the same.  

After that, we see Ash confess to Eiji that he doesn’t really know if Yut-Lung is a friend or an enemy, which tells us that Ash never really meant what he said before, and that he had no real plans to go after Yut-Lung at that point, willing to simply let it go. Proven further by the fact that Ash never really makes a move against Yut-Lung until Yut-Lung himself goes directly after Ash and his allies.

Later still, after Yut-Lung has been involved in numerous situations which have caused Ash incredible suffering, we see him take Yut-Lung hostage and once more threaten to kill him.  But, once again, this isn’t an act or revenge, but a desperate gambit to get Eiji and the other hostages being held by Yut-Lung’s men released.  Ash doesn’t want to kill Yut-Lung.  He only wants to protect Eiji and the others.  He only threatens Yut-Lung here for that purpose and that purpose alone.  

After this, while talking to Cain, Ash says “I should have killed him when I had the chance.”, and his expression is, just like with his father, one of resigned sadness.  He knows Yut-Lung could very well one day be his undoing, but even in that moment, there’s no sense of hatred, or even anger towards him from Ash.  No sense, either in his words, or his expression, of wanting to make Yut-Lung pay for all he’s done, or to make him suffer.  No indication that he has any plans to go after Yut-Lung.  And this is further confirmed by Ash’s final conversation with Blanca, when he says as long as Yut-Lung leaves him alone, then Ash won’t go after him.  Even when Ash says to Blanca before that, that he would tear Yut-Lung apart if he ever got his hands on him, there’s an expression of joking amusement on Ash’s face, a clear indication that he doesn’t really mean what he’s saying in that moment.

Then of course, there’s Dino.  Dino is Ash’s greatest enemy, and the root source of a great deal of his pain and suffering.  Dino is the only person in the story who Ash shows an active desire to get revenge on, for obvious reasons that don’t bear repeating, and most certainly feels hatred towards.  But even in this, when Dino finally meets his demise, and Ash watches him fall to his death into the fire below, there’s no look of satisfaction, or happiness, or even relief on Ash’s face.  There’s no sense of triumph.  Ash once again only has that same resigned, even sad expression on his face as the person who tormented and abused him more than any other in his life finally dies. There isn’t any malice, no glee, not even any real anger, because, in the end, Ash’s desire to break free from Dino was never motivated by hate.  In the end, just like with all his other enemies, Ash’s only motivation was to be left alone.  To be free. Even for the person most deserving of his contempt, Ash couldn’t ever really bring himself to feel it fully. He couldn’t ever conjure enough hate in his heart to be driven forward by it, even against Dino.  It shows us with plain clarity the innate goodness of Ash’s heart then, that against all odds, that goodness won out against the abuse and cruelty every time, never destroyed, for how pure and powerful it lived within Ash.  For how much it was a part of his soul.

The tragedy of it all then, you realize, is how, if these monsters had only ever left Ash alone, none of any of it ever would have happened.  But of course they couldn’t, their hatred, greed, perversion and lust for power too strong within them to let a 17 year old boy who just wanted to be left  alone, be, underlining in stark and startling relief the total contrast of who these people were against who Ash was.  Monsters consumed by hate, against a boy who loved too much.

[sayaka19fan]

um... I dont think Ash was coerced into adoption, that would imply he still accepted it. I would say more like he was obligated to it, they could have even had bribed someone to accept the adoptiong against Ash's will. His reaction to the news about adoption made it pretty clearly how he felt about the whole thing. Idk how it all happened but I think its clear he never wanted or planned to become Dino's son. Because at that point he lost all hope, he accepted that life was needed to protect eiji

A different anon, I suppose. I find it at least controversial whether Ash was coerced or not. In my country I think you have a saying in it since you got 14? 16? I can't remember... Ash was 18. And he was not in the position to refuse a signature to Dino, to write a letter or to act in front of an inspector. Whoever can address to me sources about adopting laws in the state of NY or in Japan - because we can't be sure which one Yoshida had in mind - is welcome!

The adoption occurring at that time in the manga makes me think that James/Jim Callenreese had died too. Ash didn't want to get adopted, sure, but proving it is a different matter.

If Jim was dead, Ash had become adoptable that means you don't need to bribe anybody as long as you can get the formal consent of the adopted person and he is considered adult (I read that age of majority is 18 in the States and even 17 in Missouri). Lacking specific knowledge about the laws this is the conclusion I have come to: Ash had to express a formal consent in some form even against his will.

I don't know back in the 80s but...

Sexual abuse can invalidate the adoption but I doubt Dino recorded any of his acts and Max distroyed Ash's photos anyway.

Ash said to his second in command that him leaving was temporary. After all he only needed to break Dino's alliance with Blanca. I think that he was never desperate.

[vashak]

James Callenreese: Suçluluk duygusu ve pişmanlık

Not: Bu meta “Max Lobo’nun Anıları”nda anlatılan olayları hesaba katmadan yazıldı.

Ash küçükken Cape Cod’da ne olduğunu manganın 4. cildinde Ash’in babasının ağzından dinledik. James Callenreese bunları Ash yokken Max, Shorter, Eiji ve Ibe’ye anlatıyor. Herhalde Cape Cod’a geldiklerinden beri bizim ekibi ayrı ayrı ölçüp tartmış ve zararsız olduklarına karar vermiş, onun için anlatıyor. Önce herkese içki ikram ediyor. Zira hikaye dinleyenlerin kanını donduracak türden.

Özetlemek gerekirse Ash 7 yaşındayken kasabada çok sevilip sayılan bir savaş gazisinin tecavüzüne uğruyor. Olayın farkına varan James oğlunu kolundan tutup polise gidiyor ancak sonuç alamıyor. Polis önce şikayeti ciddiye almıyor, sonra da başına gelenden Ash’i sorumlu tutuyor.

Peki James sonra ne yapıyor? Bana akıl tutulması yaşatan kısım burası asıl.

Eiji’nin yüz ifadesi duygulara tercüman. 

Bu baba hangi akla hizmet çocuğuna böyle bir öğüt veriyor? Ash’e fuhuş yaptırıp onun sırtından geçinmek gibi bir amacı yok. Olsa daha çok müşteri bulmak için çabalardı. Buradan ancak şöyle bir çıkarım yapabiliyorum: Polisten umduğunu bulamayan James Callenreese, kendisi oğlunu bundan sonra koruyamadığı takdirde (ki koruyamıyor) en azından Ash istismarcılarından para isterse can güvenliği sağlanmış olur diye düşünüyor belki de. 

Öyle de oluyor. İstismarcı Ash’e para ödediği için onun kendisini ifşa etmesinden endişe etmiyor. Bu sayede Ash, daha sonra adamın arka bahçesinden kemikleri çıkan talihsiz çocuklarla aynı kaderi paylaşmıyor. James’in hiç aklına getirmediği şey ise 8 yaşındaki oğlunun istismarcısını öldürebileceği. Hem de tasarlayarak: Ash bir gün gizlice babasının tabancasını alıp adamı vuruyor. 

Böylece Ash bu denli iğrenç bir deneyim sonucunda insanları manipüle etmeyi öğreniyor. James’in sonradan dediği gibi, adam Ash’e para verdiği için ondan kendisine zarar gelebileceğini hiç düşünmüyor. Ash o yaşında bunu biliyor ve kendi avantajına kullanıyor. Onu koruyup kollamakla yükümlü yetişkinler görevini yerine getirmeyince iş başa düşüyor ve çocuk mağduriyetine kendisi son veriyor. İşte o zaman James oğluna nasıl geri döndürülemez bir zarar verdiğini anlıyor olsa gerek.

Ama yine elinden bir şey gelmiyor. James bu olayın üzerine Cape Cod’da oğlunun adı kötüye çıktı diye yine onu korumak amacıyla başka eyaletteki kız kardeşine göndermeye yeltenmişken Ash’in evden kaçmasına engel olamıyor. Bundan sonra Cape Cod’dakiler bir daha Ash’ten haber alamıyor. James bu sırada oğlunu bulmak için herhangi bir çaba sarf etti mi, bunu bilmiyoruz.

Neredeyse 10 yıl sonra Ash ilk defa Cape Cod’a geldiğinde ise James oğlunu olabilecek en kötü şekilde karşılıyor.

Ash ise babası olacak bu çapsız herifin hakaretlerine hiç aldırış etmiyor. Ona hiç öfkelenmeden sakince ne için geldiğini açıklıyor ve hemen gideceğini söylüyor.

James oğlunu neden böyle karşılıyor? Bir zamanlar bizzat kendisi çocuğuna, aklınca onu korumak için de olsa, işi paraya dökmesini öğütlemişken ne hakla Ash’in yüzüne karşı herkesin önünde sürtük diyor?

İşte tam olarak bu yüzden aslında. James 10 yıldır görmediği oğlunun başına gelenlerden kendisini sorumlu tutuyor ve bununla yüzleşemiyor. Ash doğduğundan beri ona doğru düzgün sevgi gösterememiş, gerektiğinde onu koruyamamış ve mağdurken suçlu durumuna düşmesine engel olamamış. İçten içe bildiği bu gerçeği kabul etmektense bütün bunlar Ash’in suçuymuş gibi davranmak daha kolay geliyor.

Yoksa Jennifer’ın bir bildiği var. James oğlunu sağ salim gördüğü için mutlu oluyor aslında. Hatta bu arkadaşın dediği gibi Ash daha önce gelmediği ve onu endişelendirdiği için içerliyor. Neticede babası oğlunun nerede olduğunu bilmiyor, ama Ash babasının nerede olduğunu biliyor ve onunla hiç iletişim kurmuyor. 

Ama işte mesele James’in duygularını ifade etmeyi bilmemesi. Daha sonradan “Niye Ash’e öyle dedin?” diye hesap soran karısına bağırması bunun bir göstergesi. Dolayısıyla adam oğluna ne sevgisini ne de pişmanlığını gösterebiliyor. Onca zaman sonra onca şey olmuşken bunları göstermenin haddine olmadığını düşünüyor belki de.

Halbuki Ash geçmişinden ötürü babasına kin beslemiyor. Neden? Babasından nefret etmekte çok haklı olmaz mıydı?

Çünkü Ash babasının ne mal olduğunu çok iyi biliyor: Aciz. Kötü niyetli değil, sadece aciz. Ne eksik ne fazla. Golzine’nin adamları James’in lokantasını bastığında ise Ash babası için gözyaşı döküyor, onu yaralı halde öyle bırakmayı hiç istemiyor. James de yine kendine göre yapabildiği kadarıyla oğlunu korumaya çalışıyor. Mafya zaten Ash’in peşindeyken bir de polisle uğraşmasın diye Ash’in parmak izlerini silahın üstünden siliyor ve fedaileri kendi öldürmüş gibi bir mizansen yapıyor. Ash’i zorla yanından gönderirken de büyük ihtimalle ilk defa oğlu için iyi bir şey söylüyor.

Bu James ve Ash’in birbirlerini son görüşü oluyor.

Satır aralarını okuyabildiğim kadarıyla James Callenreese böyle bir karakter. Yanlış anlamayın, amacım bu rezil herifi masum göstermek değil asla. “Kötü niyetli değil, sadece aciz,” dediysem de neticede onun acizliği yüzünden küçücük bir çocuğun hayatı kayıyor. Bunun bir cezası olmalı, diye düşünmekten kendimi alamıyorum. 

[louonce]

Favorite characters + colors

[louonce]

I'm right here for you

From ocean to ocean,

Constant instability in the amalgamation of handling the pieces that make us who we are is a natural part of life, often result from the constant exchange between the different vibrations of life that reverberate around us - or the lack of it; the endless echo of nothingness. One way or another, our soul is always in motion, like the ocean. The wind scratches our surface and speaks in our ears, but the waves doesn't stop. Unknowing beings inhabit our darkest and coldest depths, but the waves doesn't stop to wonder if they should be frightened by their existence- because they know they will come to light when they feel like doing it. When the waves be ready to welcome them.

Violent disputes rage within us, like the constant flight between smaller and larger fish; life-forms and constany movement that try to swallow and flee and counterattack- but here, too, life is born. Grows life. Thousands of different shades of blue standing out in the sunlight every day; every second a new wave is born among so many others.

You are beautiful just the way you are. Feeling is such a hard thing; because sometimes, everything just seems like a whirlwind of confusion and noise of crashing waves. But I believe in you. I know that one day, you will be able to see yourself as this vast beautiful ocean you are instead of only hearing the waves.

You are not alone. I'm by your side. My heart and hope are always with you.

[vashak]

Different worlds: Ash (1)

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

Originally posted on 3 June 2019 in Turkish here.

Previously, I wrote about what I thought of Ash’s father and now it’s time to delve into what kind of damage James caused to Ash’s mental state.

Content/trigger warning: This meta discusses child sexual abuse.

James Callenreese is a bad parent in every sense of the word, but unlike the Cape Cod police, he’s not so degenerate as to claim that a 7-year-old boy seduced his abuser. And Ash knows that his father doesn’t blame him for getting raped. This allows him to be confident in the knowledge that what his abusers were doing to him is wrong and that it’s not his own fault. That’s why Ash never takes the responsibility of the abuse he endured upon himself. Consequently, he never thinks that he “deserved” to be raped.

Ash: They’re no different from each other. One does it is a cheap hotel stinking of piss and the other under a down quilt. That’s about it, really. 

Their eyes… are all empty. There’s nothing in there. It’s like you’re peeking into an empty dark room… Their eyes all look the same. And they all say the same thing… That I asked for it!

One day, I will make them pay for what they did!

Blanca (thinking): Fear and rage… When rage conquers fear, he turns into a cruel demonic beast…

Ash: Are you gonna tell baldy about this?

However, there is another incident that affected Ash just as much as getting raped and that is his first murder. Like I mentioned here, the adults who were responsible for Ash’s safety failed to protect him, and so Ash took matters into his own hands and killed his abuser to put an end to what he was doing to him. Obviously, 8-year-old Ash was the victim in this case and couldn’t be held responsible in any way for the killing. But his words to Eiji in the following scene tells us that he holds himself fully responsible.

What I mean is, whatever the reason, Ash simply admits to killing a person. He talks about this incident only once and only to Eiji with no “but”s or “because”s scattered in-between, just the facts. Why is this important? Because Ash thinks that he lost his innocence at that age when he killed his baseball coach and that his life took an irreversible turn as a result.

The official English version took some liberties with the translation in this scene. Here’s a more direct translation of what Ash says: I’m scared of myself. To think that I killed Shorter… I don’t even know how many people I killed until now. And I feel nothing. Nothing…

It is in this scene that we witness just how traumatic killing is for Ash. He’s crying because he came to realise that he’s slowly losing his human side. Deep down Ash feels like he has to pay for all the lives he took regardless of the circumstances. So he doesn’t think it’s even possible for him to lead a different, a more “normal” life, because he doesn’t see himself worthy of one in the first place.

I believe James is the root cause of why Ash came in with this toxic mindset. If there’s anything that caused Ash to get hurt more than his father’s negligence, it is his helplessness that Ash seems to forgive him for. Perhaps James didn’t blame his son for getting raped or told him that he deserved it, but we know that he called him a troublemaker.

I have this headcanon that I think kind of goes along with the canon… Maybe? Here it goes:  James is overwhelmed with all the horrible stuff that happened to his son and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. He feels helpless and frustrated, and yells at Ash saying things like “Why does trouble always find you?” and “It’s as if you were born with a streak of bad luck.” And little Ash takes his father’s thoughtless rambling to heart.

Then, as we know, Ash is swept up in a life of crime and violence where he has to play by its relentless rules to survive another day. He suffers through all kinds of cruelty and abuse. He kills to defend himself and the members of his gang. But then, these killings for self-defence slowly become mass murders as we see with the “vendetta” with Arthur’s gang.

Contrary to Arthur, Ash has no desire to gain power and become a crime lord. He doesn’t see people around him as rivals or makes it his life’s ambition to destroy them. Ash only hunts because he is being hunted. Gang politics concern him only because he feels responsible for the safety of his gang members. Ash doesn’t want this kind of life. But we shouldn’t forget that Ash never knew a different kind of life, because he was never allowed to live differently. And Ash knows very well that he’s already in it too deep, so he thinks he’s condemned to live this life whether he wants it or not.

Naturally, this is a very destructive mindset. Eiji realizes early on that Ash has been caught up in this vicious cycle and tries to free him. He tells Ash, “You’re not a leopard. You can change your fate,” and later offers, “Come to Japan with me. You can do anything you want there.” Whenever Eiji suggests these possibilities Ash is always surprised at first. Like it’s simply inconceivable for him that another person would offer to guide him with only his well-being in mind. But these possibilities seem too far away to Ash. That’s why he smiles bitterly whenever Eiji brings up this conversation, but at the same time, he never outright rejects what Eiji is suggesting. Although it may seem like he’s doing that because he doesn’t want to hurt Eiji’s feelings, I feel like Ash actually allows himself to dream in those moments.

We all know the answer to the question “Why did Ash become so attached to Eiji?” To summarize, it’s because Eiji, being an outsider to Ash’s world, saw him as a person, as a friend who is around the same age as him, and because Eiji gave Ash a part of himself without expecting anything in return. Without realising, Eiji is calling out to the remnants of humanity in Ash. Eiji, who is often associated with birds and flying throughout the story, symbolizes freedom for Ash. So the fact that Ash grew so attached to Eiji actually reveals his desire to set his soul free, break with his past and seek atonement.

But the events that follow don’t align with Eiji’s wishful thinking at all. Trouble keeps following Ash and gradually threatens Eiji too. Ash realises after a while that Eiji is not only in danger but is directly being targeted by Ash’s enemies. And Eiji getting shot in the end is a cruel wake-up call for Ash. 

As the lyrics of RED suggest, at that point Ash confronts with the “fact” that he was the reason Eiji almost died because he was too “selfish” to let him go (I don’t think that’s a fact nor that Ash was being selfish, but I assume that’s what Ash thought, so I put those words in quotes). And Blanca is not helping the situation at all.

If James is the reason why Ash thinks he will never be able to live a better life, Blanca is the one who literally engrained this mindset in Ash. Why? Different from all those assholes like Golzine who see Ash as a wild and beautiful beast or a disposable toy to be sold and used, Blanca is someone who Ash trusts and even he thinks it’s impossible for Ash to lead a normal life.  (likely triggered by what happened in his own past). When Blanca first appears in the story, he tells Ash that “a rabbit and a lynx can never be friends.” Their world is different from ours, he means to say, which is exactly the opposite of all the things that Eiji was trying to make Ash believe.

On the other hand, Blanca understands Ash. That’s why he takes him to the hospital where Eiji is being treated so that Ash can say “sayonara” to him before the final showdown with the enemy. Seeing Eiji lying unconscious on the hospital bed is like a slap in the face for Ash. He’s once again confronted with how close he came to losing the most important person to him. So to keep Eiji safe, Ash decides never to see him again and he tells Blanca so later when they meet in Central Park. His monologue here reveals Ash’s inner turmoil between his desire to cling to the feelings Eiji sparked in him and his conviction that he’s not worthy of it at all.

Thinking of the story of Banana Fish as a whole, and especially the ending, it seems clear which side won…

…right?

Read the next part of the meta here.