#ive never ever EVER loved something so much

[literatureisdying]

a little bit of an update a year later because i found this post again and really like it

i’m not gonna pretend like loving yourself is something that just happens one day and then you never hate anything about yourself ever again. it’s a rollercoaster and there are good days and bad days. this year i’ve been lucky enough and conscious enough of my decisions to have more good days than bad days. i have friends, real friends, who i see every day and who enjoy my presence. i’ve gotten even better at guitar and i’ve drifted from songwriting and poem writing a bit, but in turn i’ve picking up a passion for essay writing. having a support system and a circle of friends who i love and adore has made the seasonal depression nearly nonexistent this year. i’ve felt more alive this year than i ever have, and though that has in part been because i had to break off and heal from the worst emotional attachment i’ve ever experienced, i’ve also stepped very far out of my comfort zone and started living my life how ive always wanted to.

not really sure what the point of this is other than so much can change in a year, some for the worst and some for the better. keep on keeping on and what not <3

it feels so wonderful to love yourself. everything i hated about myself a year ago i now love so much. my used to hate my side profile and jawline but now i think it’s so beautiful and gentle and something out of a painting. last year i couldn’t even play guitar and i thought my writing skills were abysmal at best and now i’ve never been more proud of anything i’ve accomplished as i am with my music and my poetry. every winter since the age of 12 i’ve had the worst seasonal depression that im stuck in until the middle of june. i still have it this year, but it’s sparse and rarely showing it’s face because there’s nothing for it to latch on to. even though i’m incredibly stressed because of school and even tho im a little lonely and insanely sleep deprived, i have never been so happy or felt so much love. and not even love directed at a person (tho yes that is a big part of it), but just love in general. finding love in my everyday life and learning to view everything from a viewpoint of this is my life and i will not waste it. anyway, i cannot believe that it can feel this good to be alive

[rowanisawriter]

2024 —my year in writing

last year, i wrote more than i ever have like literally in my whole life. this year i beat my record by about 200k words. i am writing A LOT and it’s all because of you.

yes, you, reading this now. anyone who kudos’d or commented or liked or reblogged anything i wrote, and followed me here and on ao3, and ranted in my dms and added me to servers. you, reading the weird things i write, the things i can only write and only i can write, seeing it and liking it and coming back again and again for more. thank you :)

so here’s my 2024 summary:

words written: 358,963

fics published: 74

my favorite fics:

real world (stardew valley) - a story about parenthood and roads not taken. genuinely the most important story to me, a diary entry as much as fanfic

pilgrimage (bg3) - a story about two people without a past as they work toward an even more uncertain future. i also have no past because of a strange upbringing so this story is kinda personal to me even though it’s about a cleric and a vampire

novel (hades) - a story about looking for adventure and finding love and family instead. i had so much fun writing this and posted weekly without pre-writing which was a challenge but it all worked out

patchwork self (datv) - a story about finding pieces of your brother in yourself. i wrote a lot of structured fic this year and i think this one flowed the easiest and was the most precise in how it delivered the message i was trying to get across, also it’s gen which i never write

my most written pairing: thanzag with 11 stories! not surprising since ive spent most of the year humiliating myself over thanatos

my most used tags: romance, introspection, character study

what i learned: i learned above all to trust myself! this year i wrote and completed three multi chapter fics that i didn’t prewrite and posted week by week until it was done. i’ve never been able to do that before but this year i just did it and didn’t overthink it, and i trusted that i could finish the stories and i did lol i can do anything i think i just have to trust myself a little

what i want to write next year: i would like very much to write something original, i have a loose idea so i just need to sit down and write so my goal is really small and simple, hopefully i don’t let myself down

[ruporas]

asking and receiving (bonus below readmore)

[ID: A black and white, digital Trigun comic of Vash and Wolfwood. In the first panel is a close up of Wolfwood's mouth as he says, "Vash". Accompanying it is a close up shot of Vash's eye, widen and cheeks flushed. Wolfwood presses a knee against the open space between Vash's legs and says, "Tell me everything you want from me." Wolfwood's face is equally as flushed. He continues to say, "I'll give it to you. Everything." As he talks, a wide shot shows the both of them in white space. Vash is sitting, leaning a little back with both hands pressed against the surface he's sitting on. Wolfwood is in his white dress shirt, stripped of the blazer. He's still leaning in with one knee in between Vash's spread legs, his right hand touching Vash's lips and his left hand behind his back.

The shot closes in on Vash's mouth and Wolfwood's hand against it, pressing down on the lower lip as he says, "You have to ask though. Go on." His hand moves down to Vash's chin, gently holding it. With a shy and uncertain expression, Vash hesitantly asks, "Um... K... Kiss... Please?" Wolfwood, without wasting a second, leans in and kisses him and indulges by pressing deeper, eliciting a small noise of surprise from Vash.

Wolfwood moves away from Vash first and with a smile, asks, "What else?" Vash tugs on Wolfwood's left sleeve, wordlessly budging Wolfwood to give him his hand that was still behind his back. In the next panel, Vash utters, "Hold me..?" He's holding Wolfwood's left hand with his own while his right hand is reaching for his waist. Wolfwood complies, moving his left hand to Vash's shoulder and his right hand continues to touch Vash's cheek. Wolfwood asks again, "What else?"

More comfortable now, Vash leans in to kiss Wolfwood. Wolfwood catches him immediately, pressing his thumb against Vash's lips to stop him before demanding, "Hey. Ask." Vash looks back in surprise and Wolfwood meets his eye with a quiet, insistent look. They're quiet for a moment before Vash leans in again and curtly requests, "Kiss. Me." Wolfwood says "Good", smiling as he lifts his hand away, and meets Vash's lips. In the next shot, Wolfwood had adjusted his position, sitting on Vash's thigh. The hand that was once on Vash's cheek has moved its way to Vash's nape, pushing away the collar of his jacket with his pinky. His other hand continues to grip on Vash's shoulder. Still kissing, Wolfwood asks again, "What else?"

In the next shot, Vash is starting to turn, moving Wolfwood with him. Vash asks, "Let me on top of you?" Wolfwood says, "Mhm" before asking again, "What else?" The next panel shows a close look of Vash's face. He's looking down, flushed and shy just as he had been at the beginning, but now, more decisive. Vash asks, "Wolfwood... Let me have you..?" A panel of Wolfwood taking Vash's hand into his, pulling it towards his chest. The next panel shows Wolfwood lying down where Vash had laid him. Vash's hand is on Wolfwood's chest, covering the cross of his rosary while Wolfwood's hand lingers against his, loosely pressing Vash's hand in place. He looks up at Vash with a shy smile of his own, flushed cheeks. He says, "All yours."

A panel shows a close up of Vash's tender gaze before he leans down to be closer to Wolfwood. The final shot is a front view of their positions, Vash's face turned away from the viewer; Vash is leaning over Wolfwood who's lying down with his right leg draped over Vash's legs. Wolfwood's left hand holds onto Vash's left arm. With finality, Vash says, "...Mine." End ID]

[ID: A follow up bonus comic in a looser, sketchier style. They're laying comfortably in bed when Vash asks, "What was that earlier?" referecing to the start of the previous comic. Wolfwood glances away and says, "To get you used to it. Asking. And getting what you ask for. Since you're alwasy hesitant about it." Vash's eyes widen, tight lipped. Wolfwood continues, "Knowing you, it'll be a tough habit to break..." When he says this, Vash can't help but laugh, unable to deny it. Wolfwood slowly brings a hand to Vash's cheek and continues to say, "So I'll keep trying -- whatever ways I can... to get it through your thick skull." Vash takes Wolfwood's hand with his, kissing the the palm gently. Wolfwood's eyes soften and holding onto Vash's cheek, he leans in to try for a kiss. Vash says, "Hey..." before stopping Wolfwood's lips with the back of his hand, a smug look on his face, "Ask." Wolfwood's embarrassed and with little irritation, asks, "Really?" Vash smiles, saying, "You're in need of practice too." They pause for a moment, Wolfwood looking contemplatively, before he's leaning in again, asking, "May I please kiss you?" Vash looks him in the eyes and says, "Yes." The comic ends with a "chu", indicating an off-panel kiss. End ID]

[ruinme-please]

”𝐄𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮” (𝐱)

[buwheal]

hey spamton! anything interesting happen recently?

[rynpie]

felt the need to doodle lilia

[caesarinsalata]

Tradition

I finally came up with something for the prompt

[conspicuous-clown-car]

what a morning,,,

here's a rant about the pressure community

I've been kinda lurking on pressure twitter for the past few weeks while all this shit went down and i just gotta say... jesus fuck.

I practically had a heart attack as soon as i opened my phone when i woke up and saw zeal was trying to sell pressure. Considering how he changed his profile last night to a strictly corporate one and then this? It seemed like a really hasty decision, and something serious was going on with him.

And yknow what, with all the hate being directed at him right now i don't blame him one fucking bit. I'd probably end up doing the same thing if i was in his shoes. Being autistic as well, i would just want to completely distance myself from this overwhelming bullshit. I think that's why he started to distance himself from the community in the first place (which unfortunately is kinda what led to some issues getting overlooked).

The tweet was deleted and pressure isn't for sale anymore thank GOD, but I'm honestly more worried about the actual people behind pressure than the game itself.

I agree that there's issues they need to fix, but its not an entirely black and white situation, and its pretty fucking complicated. With the sheer amount of people in the community its crazy to expect them to handle and manage everything themself, especially since they blew up in popularity in such a short amount of time, how the hell would they know how to deal with this???

Yes, there are certain things they need to actually address and take responsibility for that they sort of haven't, but attacking them to where it gets to this point isn't the fucking answer.

I wouldn't blame any of the devs if they never touch the game again, the way the community has treated them and has completely blown things out of proportion is insane. I feel like the main issue is the discord server itself but that's just me. From what I've seen its mostly just the community self cannibalizing, attacking each other, sending death threats, and doxxing people over shit that literally doesn't matter at all.

I'm not one to really delve into fandom drama, but this whole issue with certain possessive Sebastian fans and those who took it upon themselves to attack those fans is the stupidest fucking conflict I've ever seen in any fandom. Especially when this stuff reaches the people who work on the games who have nothing to do with it.

I agree that this is something the devs need to talk about head on with full transparency, no matter their feelings on it, because a main problem I've seen with them is lack of community management.

But again, y'all are forgetting the devs are REAL FUCKING PEOPLE, people who are bound to make mistakes, and get overwhelmed, and not know how to deal with suddenly having a giant fanbase. Harassing them and sending death threats is going way too fucking far and wont solve anything, because clearly all its done is made things worse.

Also god forbid they have boundaries and don't want to see certain things in the discord server. I'm not gonna get into the specifics, but as a queer trans person I think some of y'all are reading too much into the things they don't allow, seriously.

Reminder, I'm saying all this as someone who self-ships with Sebastian, and who's not entirely thrilled about him being canonically married. BUT PRIORITIZING A FICTIONAL CHARACTER OVER REAL PEOPLE????? THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YALL???

And to the people I've seen disappointed in zeal's response to all this on twitter, I'm with you, not seeing whats happening in the community doesn't mean these problems don't exist. But think about the shit he's going through, put yourself in his shoes and genuinely try to understand how fucking overwhelming this whole situation is, for him and the rest of the team. Especially after what's happened in the past 24 hours.

Tangent, but am i the only one who's seen a drastic change in the way fandom communities operate in the past few years? Like after lockdown fandom spaces have gotten more and more hostile, and people are just being so fucking mean to each other over the most trivial shit??? Listen I Get being chronically online, because i am, but at a certain point you just gotta log the fuck off and touch some grass, man. christ.

I really hope the devs take a break, they need it. I was excited about the update that was supposed to come out this month but I don't think it will now, and I honestly don't think we deserve it.

TL;DR: Pressure fandom, do better. Speaking from both points of view, no matter the various mistakes the dev team has made, the majority of this is on y'all.

And lastly, I'd honestly rather keep pressure exactly the way it is with no updates and no new stuff ever again than for it to turn into roblox slop like most of the games that are sold off on that platform.

[possamble]

I'm not allowed to be on social media for more than two seconds today but I just wanted to say that Laios will absolutely have his own reaction to all this as someone who would die for Falin but has also imprinted on Marcille as his Emotional Support Comphet White Girl Not-Girlfriend along the way

[whirlybirbs]

it’s 5:20am i cannot sleep i am consumed with thoughts and yearning for keigo takami i need to be euthanized

[dukeofthomas]

I'm so done with the way everyone avoids calling Bruce an abuser. 'He's a bad parent' 'he's flawed' 'what he did was kinda fucked up' call it what it is!! He's an abusive parent, no ifs or buts about it! He's not just a bad parent, he didn't just fuck up, he's their abuser. Loving your kids or wanting the best for them doesn't mean you won't hurt them and it doesn't excuse doing so, and I personally don't think it makes it even slightly better.

[faaun]

procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

[rubitheracoon]

Who knew the first humanoid I would ever draw decently would actually be the character I've been obsessed with for the last 3 months

ANYWAY I FINALLY MANAGED TO DRAW A PERSON IM SO HAPPY!!

[adriartts]

alas, turns out grad school is hard so i haven't been drawing much of anything BUT. now. some side characters for yall

[s0fter-sin]

i’ve been watching yannis marshall choreography for like 15 minutes and i’m back thinking about my dancer au

gaz suggests a pole dancing segment for the music video for price and ghost shuts it down hard, saying he doesn’t do pole. gaz calls him selfish, that he’s just saying no to spite him but ghost holds firm; not even listening to soap as he tries to reason with him and reach a compromise

soap gets to practice early like he always does, just to see ghost blasting another life by motionless in white and doing a flawless pole routine. he’s as mesmerised by him as he always is, such beautiful movements contrasted by the seemingly harsh music, and waits for him to break before teasing, “i thought you said you couldn’t do pole dancin’.”

ghost just wipes the sweat off his face with a towel. he knew he was there

he always knows when soap’s there

“i said i didn’t do pole; not that i couldn’t.”

“what’s stoppin’ you?” soap asks, genuine and innocently curious and it’s the only reason ghost doesn’t completely shut him down

“what ‘bout you?” he asks instead. “ever done pole?”

he shrugs and sets his bag down. “enough to get in a twirl or two. ‘sides, gaz’s better suited to that kinda delicate work.”

“now, that i know is bullshit,” ghost scoffs and soap tenses, expecting him to go off on another rant about his best mate (just like he waits through gaz going off on ghost) but- “i’ve seen your competition tapes; you’re plenty strong enough to work a pole.”

soap stares at him. “how have you-?”

“price,” he answers simply, throwing the towel on top of his gear and all but stalks towards him. “i like knowin’ who i’m working with; he sent me your breakdancin’ comps. if you can hold a three-fingered hollowback handstand, you can bend on a pole.”

soap sputters as ghost grips his tank top and yanks him over to the pole, setting his hands in place on the body-warmed metal; bracketing his body with his own. he guides his body through the motions; teaches him how to fall and catch himself in a spin, how to gracefully climb and hold his body in midair

soap laughs as he throws himself into a spin just to bend his legs over his head, twisting his body to latch onto the pole with knee and lean perfectly horizontal with his other leg splayed out; his arm thrown above his head

he tips his head back to catch ghost’s grin and almost drops himself as he jumps up to join him; artfully climbing above him and holding his whole weight on his hip as he flips down to look at him

soap’s breath catches at the scant distance between their faces; so close he can count the near invisible freckles on ghosts skin, his fair lashes and the deep flecks of gold in his dark eyes

ghost is just as entranced; his grin slowly fading as he looks into the light sparkling in soap’s eyes. he tips his head towards the mirrors lining the studio and they slowly turn to look at themselves; fitting perfectly together

“see?” he whispers. “we don’t look all that outta place, do we?”

“no,” soap whispers back. “we don’t.”

[quietwingsinthesky]

i do love canon amy & rory but god, does some part of me wish they really had gone with the idea of the doctor picking up a child as a companion (and then later, that child’s best friend with a huge crush on her.) with the rest of the season really not changing at all, except now it’s amelia pond with an angel in her head killing her and lost alone in the woods. it’s little rory who dies and is forgotten and becomes a toy soldier. if this is going to be a fairy tale, then let it be one. children have never been safe in fairy tales.