#ive just been... i havent been having a very good time with life lately.

[orcelito]

Either I make an absolute ass of myself online or I force myself to Refrain From Posting for the night

Oh I am making such a good first impression for my new followers

[phagodyke]

weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

[nomaishuttle]

on a semi related note there r like 2 specific times i remember expecting one of my safe foods and getting something entirely different and being SO insanely upset abt it even though the thing i got still tasted good

[im-so-normal-iswear]

Hello Could I request a one-shot of yandere Shadow (Sonic boom) x Fem introvert reader

A/n: i honestly havent watched sonic boom yet, ive only warched a few episodes, haventvgitten ti shadow yet so these are probably not too accurate! (◞ ‸ ◟ㆀ)

Yandere!(boom)Shadow x shy reader

Life in Village is quiet, which suits you just fine. Usually its loud with everyone sticking their noses in everyone elses business.

You’ve always been more comfortable on your own time. It was just very tiring interacting with people. So you preffered times at night when everyine was asleep and you could wnjoy the peace. But lately, something feels… off.

At first, it was subtle. A shadow passing by your window at odd hours, the sensation of being watched when you were about to go to bed. You chalked it up to paranoia. After all nothing ever happened.

One evening, as you settled in on your phone, the hairs on the back of your neck prickled. You looked up, your eyes darting around the room. Nothing. Yet the feeling persisted. You tried to shake it off, maybe you were being paranoid? Yeah, that was it. Right?

Definitely...

...

It started innocently enough. Shadow appeared one day at the market, standing off to the side, arms crossed as he surveyed the area. He didn’t approach you, didn’t say a word, just stared. You couldn’t help stealing glances at him, wondering why someone like him was here.

The next time you saw him was at the edge of the forest near your home. He didn’t hide, didn’t make excuses for being there. He simply stared, his eyes locking onto yours.

Silence.

You stood looking back in stunned silence

He stepped closer, hyo movements deliberate. "You..." he began, his voice low as he trudged over.

As he stepped forwars you took steps back instinctively.

Shadow tilted his head, studying you like a puzzle he couldn’t quite solve. "You don’t waste time on meaningless chatter. You don’t seek the approval of others. You’re quiet... I respect that."

You blinked, taken aback. "Okay. Good to know?"

He smirked faintly before vanishing into the woods, leaving you with more questions than answers.

From that point on, Shadow made his presence known in subtle but unmistakable ways. A flicker at the corner of your vision. Footsteps trailing behind you, only to stop when you turned around. You had fewer and fewer times you truely felt alone.

It was unsettling, and frankly terrifying, but what were you going to do about it?

One evening, as you returned home, you found your front door unlocked. Panic surged through you as you cautiously stepped inside. Everything looked normal, at first. But then you noticed the changes. Your bookshelf, usually a mess, had been meticulously organized. The blanket on your couch was folded neatly. And on your kitchen table sat a steaming cup of tea.

"Who’s here?" you demanded, your voice wavering.

Shadow emerged from behind you, his expression unreadable. "Relax. You’re safe."

"What are you doing in my house?"

"Dont worry about it," he said simply, as if breaking into your home was the most natural thing in the world. "You should feel honored i wentbthrough the trouble of cleaning up your mess"

You stared at him, your mind racing. "You can’t just-."

"Shut up. I didn't do all of this for you to be complaining."

"But I didn’t ask for this!"

His gaze softened, but there was a dangerous edge to it. "You don’t have to ask. I know what’s best for you."

From then on, Shadow started inserting himself in everything you did. Every aspect of "your life" was slowly but surely going under his control. He'd give you small gifts, things he thought you would like. He'd insist on taking you from place to place. He even scared off a group of villagers who had tried to strike up a conversation with you, his glare alone enough to send them running.

"Why are you doing this?" you asked one night, exhausted and defeated.

He looked at you like the answer was obvious. "Because you’re mine. You’ll see," he said quietly, his tone passive aggressive. "One day, you’ll understand. No one can protect you like I can. No one can love you like I do."

A/n: hopefully these werent too out of character as ive only seen one clip of him in sonic boom

[redlimvs]

ive been feeling more down lately and i havent been writing as much but I still wanted to share some bits (summaries) of some things i have...

//

1. He laughed even as they were kissing, he threw his head back every few minutes they talked and touched. Calvin hadn’t noticed the little things Andre had done until he looked closer, until he really got to know the boy behind the entire facade of a troublemaker. The imagination of the boy being absolutely perfect was farther from the truth. Calvin saw nothing wrong with this fact, rather, he was far more attracted to learn the little imperfections Andre seemed to be hiding from anybody else. The way his top teeth overlapped his bottom ones, causing his upper lip to be more out, the way comes out completely burdened with acne and spots all around his face, to Calvin, it simply made Andre look more beautiful. Nothing about who Andre was or how he looked could ever change the ever growing thoughts and emotions Calvin felt towards him, it simply felt like, to him, Andre being imperfect was in fact the most perfect thing about him

2. Taking care of a single person, to them, it’s rotten work, it’s pointless, it has no effect on them if somebody decides to leave them. For them, every single person that came into their life would quickly become a stranger, whether it was their doing or the other person’s faults. He saw how they waited for someone to take them home, not the home they lived in, but the permanent home of the other person’s heart. To say his best friend was homesick was an understatement, no, he was dying to feel the beauty of one’s presence, to have someone never leave his side, no matter how hard things got sometimes. There, he stood in front of his best friend, noticing the little crystals that were his tears, and he too, shed a few as they watched each other intensely. With the few very words he could muster up, he grabbed the blonde’s hands, feeling the softness and the gentleness they truly held. He took a final breath, turning to face the opposite direction before turning back to his friend.

“...I do.”

3. “Why didn’t you do it...?”

After months of planning, after countless times of talking about this exact moment, Andre was too pussy to actually go through with it. How could it, after hearing the idea first come out of Calvin’s mouth about killing themselves when it’s all over after shooting what appeared to be dozens of students, how could he actually agree to it? He blames no one except himself, Andre could have done something, he could have said anything in that moment or any other moment they shared with each other and he could have told Calvin that the idea wasn’t so good.

“You...promised...”

And he did, Andre promised to his best friend that they were going to go through with their plan, together. He never intended to back down but with everything happening so suddenly he couldn’t but get cold feet at the thought of a bullet going through his head. He didn’t mean for any of this to happen, maybe he should have taken better care of the situation and realize the signs Calvin was throwing at him, none of this was supposed to go too far and instead was supposed to just be a way to release all of the anger he had built up, he never meant to shoot anyone, he never meant for Calvin to die like this.

4. What can be sad can also be known as true, something you can’t find in real life will always crawl back into your mind when you dream. Waking up only makes one realize that nothing was ever real, that broken and depressive thoughts that clash in your brain to remind you that there is no hope, there is so saving those who cannot be saved and to those who don’t want to be saved. It’s sad, it’s heartbreaking to come to a consensus that those who suffer may never return back into the arms of those who warm their hearts and their souls. Praying to god no longer does anything, getting down to your knees and begging for redemption only lets them know just how weak you are. Andre hates to go back to that one moment, that moment in the past that makes him rethink the choices he had before, that one moment in his life that made him remember that he too can be weak. The conversation with his dad, the car ride with him, during that time, he couldn’t help but allow his eyes to gaze at his father for a second before facing towards the road again. He had told him how he wasn’t planning on going to prom and instead stayed back to help around, after his shift was over, he couldn’t help this bittersweet feeling in his mind. Did he know? Did his father know something that Andre hadn’t told him, did he feel something suddenly wrong in his son’s presence where he felt he needed to tell him how proud he was of him? That moment had felt like something he’d never expect, it had been one of those moments he felt that something could have been different in his life, maybe something could have happened that would change him for the better. His father was proud of him, but he didn’t feel proud of himself

5. Such a lowly and putrid prince, those who shunned him from the world were correct in the fact that nobody would ever find him as a ruby gem, nobody would dare give him the final dance he needed as a farewell, nobody would give him the satisfaction of cherishing his last moments. Whatever flows in the river of regret and punishment will forever crash and destroy whatever he made up to try and convince himself that there was more to his life than simply rotting forever in his mind. Monarch’s were practically unable to view their own beauty and see how raw and beautiful their wings were, they would never get a chance to see who they were even in their dying breaths. Everybody else was able to see just how perfect they were, but they wouldn’t say anything, they wouldn’t dare speak a word on who they were and simply wait until the last few moments to remind them,

“My, such a beautiful life being put to waste.”

God would never forgive him, he didn’t want him to forgive and he didn’t want to believe everything his parents say about God being real, for if he was real then why give him the life he did not need, why give him the misfortune of seeing his past mistakes simply by looking at his wrists? Bring him terror, bring him fear, bring him everything he always had and take it to his grave, nobody would ever visit him anyways.

[evercelle]

hello!! ive been following from here and on twitter, but mostly twitter, since u veeery first started posting xiaoven (venxiao?) art

i wanted to let you know that your art has irreversibly changed my life for the better. ive been drawing since i was very very tiny but by the time i got to junior year of high school i had no muse and no inspiration and no direction and your posts got to me at just the right time. your use of composition and colors are gorgeous and i dont even usually enjoy this type of art style but yours really just spoke to me

working tirelessly to get “to your level” (as silly as it sounds) completely reignited a spark in me — receiving your xiaoven christmas card and being able to examine all the details in physical form inspired me to work on a huge, detailed illustration of my own! (or at least i thought it was huge and detailed at the time lmao, looking back it’s not all that great). and even outside of that, every illustration was a push for me to learn more about backgrounds, lighting, the placement of detail, expression, character design — it was a lot and im eternally grateful for it.

sorry for rambling at you !! but thank you so much for the work you do. im now broke in my early years of college so i havent been able to afford your shop wares, but i wouldve loved to help monetarily for all the good youve done for me just by existing. im not nearly as active of a follower as before (and even then ‘active’ was a stretch, ive kind of just lurked) but one of my mutuals reposted a work of yours and i felt like just kinda putting this here iunno

and im so so sorry if this is super parasocial or weird LOL :”))) i promise this is probably the only time ill have the courage to interact directly

thank you, ever :)

heyo anon!! i was pretty floored reading this... thank you for taking the time to send such a kind message. i don't think it's ever too late to come back to drawing, so i'm glad you found your drive. hope you've been having fun with every single illustration since, no matter how they turned out!

developing skills is hard and sometimes discouraging work... but i think getting to the point where you're able to express yourself the way you want must be one of the happiest feelings in the world.

[floatingcomet]

hello i see you like mp100 and life series so it is my sworn duty to ask: if whatever mp100 characters you can think of were shoved into the life series, which gimmick do you think each of them would like/hate most

HEY im very new to the life series lol I havent seen them all yet (Ive only seen some povs on Secret, Wild, Double (In that order)) So I may get some things wrong but ill try lol :D

3rd Life -

Likes: This is basically the base gimmick i believe. I believe pre-character arc sho would like this one. Its literally unhindered by gimmicks, and is just a true show of strength and battle intellegence.

Dislikes: I dont really see anyone really hating simply the base gimmick. Maybe the telepathy club as a whole, since they operate more on

Last life -

likes: I believe this is the boogeyman one? From what I hear it kinda sounds like Mogami? Since people distrust eachother alot, Day one allies (like Bigb and cleo (?)) Betray eachother at a whim, and red names are kicked out of the group immediately, it seems like this gimmick is meant to brew inate distrust and hate for eachother so I think its the closest to his. Maybe pre-character arc Teru would thrive here to, i think.

Dislikes: Honestly Mob likely dislikes this one alot for the same reason mogami clearly likes it. If mob ever got the boogeyman curse i dont think he could willingly go through with it, and if anyone boogyemaned him he would break. All of the body improvement club would hate this one as well as it encourages betraying temates and not working together towards end goals.

Double life - This one I think goes to Serizawa the most Honestly. A lot of the times he relies heavily on other people to get out of his shell, so an assigned partner would help him out alot here. I feel like mob would be inn a simalar boat here,

Dislikes: Pre-character Arc dimple would hate this. The fact he would have to work with people he would generally disregard otherwise. I also think Tsubomi would dislike this, as she'd have fundamentally lose what little independence she would have, and her self inflicted responsibility to upkeep her perfectly calm and polite personality in a murder game while constantly being observed by her partner.

Limited life - This gimmick is easily the one im least famaliar with but I think Ritsu could atleast work with this gimmick decently. Not nessacarily sure if he would like it, but between his ability to study keep up with the student council and maintain heavy respect among his peers in the school, he already knows how to micromanage time. Its really not to different as to what he does now.

Dislikes: Reigen easily. I think a constant indecator of how his life is being wasted right above his head would drive him crazy. He already feels like he wasted it now, but seeing it getting closer to the end by the second while he cant do anything about it would break him.

Secret life - I feel like Mezato ichi would like this one honestly. She enjoys observing and documenting strange events and behavior from people, and since this . She'd be great at guessing people's tasks on yellow I think. Reigen probably wouldnt enjoy this one as much as mezato but he could read and get through his tasks pretty good as well.

Dislikes: IDK i think mob again dislikes this one. not being able to really read or trust people here would bother him alot. I dont really see anyone hating this one to badly though honestly.

Wild life - I feel like Tome would like this one alot. It seems to be the most lighthearted of the series, and its all about discorvering things about the unknown. Theres been no major betrayals that im aware of, even in late series superpower episode people still just want to hang out and discover whats happening around them.

Dislikes: Ritsu. I feel like he likes the familiarity he's built for himself and constantly changing day to day gimmick would mess with him alot.

Sorry its alot lol feel free to disagree on these lol :D

[shadowscommand]

Hello.. can we get more ghostmace headcanons. If you ever wrote any pls link them too...

:)c YESSS i love talking abt maceghost.. i know ive made a bunch of sporadic posts about them but i havent done a like dedicated hcs post. i feel like often im struggling to understand the narrative of their past but generally i keep the same vibe to it all.

mace is for sure the more level headed of the two only because relationships and love freak ghost out. ive mentioned on a post like years ago hes traumatized by watching his mother stick with his father and i still believe this. hes like scared to be in a position where something Isn't working anymore but hes too emotional to cut it off so he self sabotages the relationship so mace will get pissed and stop talking to him.

in the past (as i mentioned in another post) mace Did also feed into this. he had a good home life but his own personal issues and anger at more outward issues caused him to like. seek an outlet for this sort of petty squabbling. and he found it in ghost. until he got tired of festering and being pissed off all the time and decided to actually like Do Shit he feels good about. and he broke up with ghost.

now in modern times where theyve caught up with each other it's like a weird mash of their past and them both being more mature. ghost struggles more because hes very adverse to actually improving himself and how he feels about himself bc hes like. hes Given Up on being a person. while mace has done a lot of healing.

like the toxic factor of maceghost Is Ghost at this point to me. but theres a lot of love there bc theres a lot of mutual respect and, like, easy familiarity there. mace understands how ghost works at his core.

so like. when ghost is being Normal and not anxious they literally just. like. Click? mace can extremely put ghost at ease with just his presence. and mace in turn rly enjoys his company bc a calm ghost is actually just sort of casually funny.

and ghost does like making mace laugh i imagine mace has a really beautiful smile bc he has resting bitch face so when it lights up it's very special.

ghost also i think would be 100% willing to take his mask off in a room of just him and mace. no special occasion needed he's just comforted. mace has already seen it over many, many years.

because they're like an Old couple i think theyve been on and off since their mid twenties for ghost and late twenties for mace. WHICH is another reason mace like wont entertain the childish picking ghost does theyre literally too old.

but he does play along a little. sometimes. old habits die hard. if it's petty mace will have a back and forth w ghost for old times sake its just how ghost communicates sometimes. emotions are just hard for ghost mace understands this. to put all of this simply.

i will say tho if more comes out and they end up more antagonistic than my current read i will still be a huge stan i love when dudes try to fuck and kill each other 💪🥰💕

speaking of fucking tho. tw for implying sexual assault also i just got kinda nasty sowwy.

LIKE we know ghost has a complicated relationship w sex a lot of his past history w it is like traumatic. i think he was already promiscuous as a teen bc he already had issues from his upbringing so hes like. well experienced. and he likes sex. and he likes fucking mace bc his dick is thick, hes good with his hands, and he's not afraid to be rough with him and take their time bc mace likes to be edged and when ghost is rly into it he Likes it to Last esp if he can cum more than once. he likes when his pussy is sore.

BUT ALSOO theyre both like. verse esp w each other. ghost likes topping more tho. he likes fucking mace for being a little bit vocal and just. like. huge. ghost loves bending him over and watching his fat bounce. ghost would blow off any task and anyone to go fuck him.

but also, bc its ghost and i think if the wrong buttons get pressed in the wrong order and it goes sour he gets quiet and, like, disassociates. and mace keeps watch for that bc he doesn't want to put ghost in that state. its not fun

[akaakeis]

literally going to kms i wrote a huge ask and it got deleted BUT IRS VERY IMPORTANT SO IM WRITINF IT AGAIN so first of all i want u to know that i am shameless and will double and triple and quadruple text u bcuz i love u

onto the main course!! i read this one fic and a reblog said something like "this is peaceful, peaceful is good" and it reminded me of u. like,, your writing is like that AND IN A GOOD WAY LEMME REPHRASE. so like! most fics have like,, something in them. explosions fireworks love hatred confessions misunderstandings u get what i mean

but urs are like. so not explosions,, so peaceful in comparison. like, reconnecting with old friends. sorry, we haven't talked in a bit. dancing in the rain. coming home. and they are like completely normal things that normal people experience and that i have experienced but for some reason you make them so special and magical ! somehow the peacefulness of it all makes it sm better. NOT SAYING THAT IF U WRITE EXPLOSIONS ILL FEEL ANY DIFFERENT AB UR WRITING IN GENERAL. but i mean your writing is familiar and warm and it's just... nothing special happens,, there's nothing life-changing going on,, and it's still so perfect and extraordinary.

um ill use my most favourite fic of all time here as an example ! The Iwa One. its less than 1k words and its just,,,,, a friend u havent seen in a long while, and u finally talk and u talk ab ur day and thats literally just it. AND SOMEHOW ITS LIKE SO

SO

IDK GOOD?????? like idk man im fr tweaking rn but. like. your writing's about little things,,, nothing huge in the long run, just a talk with an old friend. AND YOU STILL MANAGE TO MAKE IT SO SIGNIFICANT AND SO FULL OF LOVE AND JOY AND WARMTH likr bro!!!!! ive always liked that one quote that goes,, love is in the little things but i think ur writing has given me a new perspective of it and now i love it (ur writing, the quote) even more now!!!!

erm that's all ily mwah mwah

NOOO THE LONG ASK 😞😞 sorry bb that sucks i hate when that happens but IM SO HONORED that you're literally rewriting all of that for ME?? i may cry thanks i love u

alina im literally staring at this ask like :( WHAT IF I GENUINELY CRY OVER THIS OH MY GOD!! like im so happy that it gives off that vibe because that's truly what i try to go for! im not trying to do anything particularly special? i just want to be able to give comfort through my fics <3

i genuinely want to keep this in my inbox forever and ever so that i can reread it but you at least deserve a reply from me for sending the sweetest thing ever :( like lately ive been kinda iffy abt how i feel regarding my writing but this really does make me feel better!! because knowing that someone like you (who i deem as an important voice on my writing) really likes my writing, it just makes me want to continue for you <3 im so glad i can provide u with writing to enjoy and i hope i can continue to in the long run <3 xx

thank u for this alina ily!!

[nonbinarygamzee]

this like. really isnt even about hs2 (in the sense i have literally not read the new stuff and do not really plan to for my own sanity. and also take into account i am mostly just taking my emotional issues out on homestuck because im feeling very raw about it and life lately.) but good god i just cannot stand the idea of letting this beast crawl out of the grave AGAIN. i respect some of the ppl working on the newest thing and ofc hope it doesnt devolve into harassment all over butttttttt also. how many times do we watch a monster reanimate itself. its like since the damn thing ended ive been yelling to anyone who will listen about how it needs to stay dead in the ground AT ALL COSTS!!!! it needs to die to give people a chance to truly learn from it. and in the same way my silly little cope back in the day of talking about hating hs sincerely while being very invested in it got muddled and twisted when ironically insulting your interests became like The Thing, i feel like everyone thinks i am being SILLY or HYPERBOLIC and i am NOT!!!!! it is not even about the content of post canon, for all of the problems i have with it, it really never Has been. There are parts of the epilogues i actually think are compelling and expansive but that is not part of the conversation to me. the entire precedent for why i feel how i do is that it is a fundamentally flawed and dishonest move to spend literal years antagonizing your audience, overlooking if not outright facilitating abuse and harassment in pockets where "audience" and "friend" and "writer" all became deeply enmeshed labels that emboldened people to endear themselves and their interpretations to whatever you projected as "rightness" at the expense of their peers. only to like... wipe your hands of it once it stopped being the means of which to make a ridiculous amount of internet dollars and started to be like an actual problem for you and the longevity of your reputation as a creative. it couldve been the best written shit in the world and that would never have made up for how bullshit of an idea of swearing "im not the boss of canon anymore guys" while literally Still continuing to make things that not only continue to establish a canonicity but that continue to undermine alternative readings of previous events is. sometimes i think about the whole sarah z lawsuit shit and wonder how everything didnt just dissolve afterwards but really isnt this just the perfect internetspace for people to get away with being that boldfaced about throwing legal threats around to stroke their own egos? havent we been reared from day one to care more for whether people are clever and haughty before we care about whether they are literally openly trying to exert control and harassment?

[ericstoltz]

life update!!!!

hi hello friends good morning good afternoon good evening its that time of the month again! this isnt really a big life update like the last time bcs i just thought id list down a bunch of things ive had on my mind.

first of all, im very happy to announce that i was able to watch 16 movies last march !! exciting!! i know ive said the last time that i quit the bingewatching thing but HONESTLY im in a work from home setup and the only way to keep me inspired is by watching a movie ... i am yet to find other ways to stay inspired so watching movies will just do for now... ALSO im gonna try to update my newsletter for the first time this year and itll probably be about the movies that i saw this march that i liked ! im now comfortable with turning the newsletter to be more about movies bcs nothing major has been happening in my life lol . so pls stay tuned for that newsletter post if ur interested!

another thing is ive decided to make this blog more personal! for the past year ive made this blog to be more about movies and gifs and stuff, and as much as i love getting the notes and reading ppl's tags, im going to try and make this blog work for me this time :) hope it doesnt get annoying or something... im also in the process of fixing my about pages and tags and all. ive used tumblr since 2012 so im still struggling with the setup. LIKE yes i want to maximize the fact that you can edit html pages and its cute and lets me be creative but at the same time, im on my phone majority of the time . and i dont like being on my laptop after work because ive literally just been using a laptop the whole day. for work. im rly shy to post some stuff about me (bcs i havent done it before fr insert the tom hanks dialogue from joe vs the volcano abt doing some soul searching and coming to the conclusion that hes just boring so he stops doing it) so if u see me doing it as an attempt to fix the personal pages on my blog, im sorry! AAAND as for the gifs thing, im thinking of changing my film diary tag, one thing i really enjoy is taking note of dialogues i love from a movie so i might just do screenshots. i really miss making gifs even though most of the gifs i end up with are LQ , but it just really isnt feasible now . (also some movies are just so tempting to gif LIKEEE valley girl and everytime we say goodbye 😭😭 it physically hurts me that i cant gif josh whitehouse and tom hanks in those movies....)

ALSO im really very very happy that ive gained new followers recently. i enjoy chatting with you guys and get so happy whenever i get the notif that someone sent me an ask/message!! ive been idle on stan twt/fandoms in general so its been a really long time since ive actually... talked to people... it makes me really happy talking to u and im sorry if my happiness doesnt show in my replies/posts. as i said, its been a while since ive done this and i usually go on here as soon as im off work (when my brain is semi-fried and the words are not wording anymore) . i hope i dont come across as bored/uninterested :(

and it isnt just about fandoms too, im genuinely insterested what u guys are up to lately and all... (in a non stalker way). it just feels nice to have friends in general ^__^

SO YEA, i think thats about it :) if u've read this all until here ilysm! thanks for ur interest and lmk how ur day was! or just send me something u want to talk about !

have a nice day :)

[yourbigendergremlet]

I realised that i havent posted in a while

Things have happened at home recently and i just dont feel safe thinking about anything to do with my gender

Basically, my sister found out.

She confrontes me about it when ouur parents were asleep and for ages at least an hour, she tried to get answers from me. It was honestly what i was paranoid avout happening for the past year, someone from my family calling my name to come and then reveal that they knew. I spent the past year jumping whenever my name got called for seemingly no good reason and my heart rushing while i waited for them to talk to find out it was nothing like that.

She tried to talk to me about how she just wanted to keep me safe and make sure i wasn't doing anything permanent, and the worst part was that shhe wasn't even shouting, she was talking so gently but idk. She figured out like every detail and she did research and kept on telling me things likr "i know its not nessesarily a phase" (deffo probably telling me that because she saw online that we dont like that and is just saying it)

Anyway whatever, now im wondering how long she has known this for and now i can't trust her because im so paranoid that if i do the wrong thing she will spill it to my parents and i cant handle that. I now also have to be wayyyy more careful with what i say because i know that she knows and im scared what she thinks and now i dont have that vit of freedom with saying stupid things like "ladies first" to tease my little brother when they thought that i didnt know snything. This all happened about a bit more than a month or so ago.

There is more to what happened after but that is too emotionally draining to talk about here

Anyway ive just recently stopped feeling anyhing towards gender and idk if this is because school started again and i want to focus, my sister, or something else but i feel completely numb. I present myself mostly female because i cant be bothered to hhide it and no matter what i do, now that my hair is long its imppssible to not have it feel very femme, but i dont feel a connection at all to being a girl but i also dont feel a connection to being male and its throwing me off wildly. Factually i know o identifu as bigender, but im not feeling it anymore and ive just been doupting if i was making it up all along (i also just dont know who to trust anymore in general, not my family, not really my friends, not anyone online, it sucks because i dont know how to feel) and ive barely told anyone about it. Ive vented to my friends about what happened the day agter my sister found out but didnt tell them that my sister found out and i dont know if i can bring myself to tell them, but that was the first time i had ever truly vented in my life (ill be honest, venting online feels like nothing because i dont know anyone and it doesnt exactly feel real when i do it) and venting for the first time felt so weird i dont know how to feel but now i feel absolutely awkward when i continue to vent even though they tell me its okay but i feel like im just bothering the group chat

And recently my life has just been doing homework, then rotting away on my phone cycling through mindlessly scrolling on tumblr, mindlessly watching youtube shorts, and reading zelda fanfiction and it doesnt feel good and i dont feel happy but i cant imagine being able to even do anything that i know i like for example i pick a pencil to draw but i juust cannot start even when i do all the starting with a line or shaped because that will get your flow going

Ive just not been feeling good lately

[deadmeat]

my secret - im 21 and have been in an abusive relationship for 6 years where lately things have gotten physical. theres been (a couple) points where i have feared for my life/safety , i see no clear way out without me becoming homeless and for the past few months i have been entertaining other people online as a way of feeling validated, i guess :’))

i’ve kind of been unintentionally turning all the shit ive been going through into kinks, like right after being treated like shit ill go online and seek for someone to treat me even worse lol

anyways.. i follow you because you seem kind of mean but in like, a comforting older sibling way if that makes sense (not to be creepy)

btw you genuinely dont have to reply to this if you dont know how, i needed to get the weight off my chest & havent slept in over 24 hours becoz of related issues so i just dumped what i could & will not remember when i wake up . i hope you have a good day ❤️

If I was still with my ex I would have been entering year six of a very abusive relationship as well. I understand how hard it is to leave a situation where you’re battered in a sense and how now clear support group other than your significant other because you’ve become isolated and codependent. Homelessness is not fun , especially during this time of year. But I’m sure you’ll do whatever is necessary to survive . I am a mean but comforting older sibling thanks for noticing 🫶

[goat-shoe]

i should be honest.......

>_< ;;;; so ive been a little quiet lately.... and i want to be honest about why that is. not just to be transparent with moots and oomfies, but truly to raise awareness for the gaslighting and abuse that weve normalized online.......

thats right ;; im talking about softblocking

(thank you for clicking thru already >w< its good someone cares.....) ;;;;

first of all, im not going to name names! rlly >_< firstly i wanna be the bigger person here..... and secondly cuz just.. there are too many names to name.

but anyways. you are maybe asking why softblocking is so bad? and its ok! ^^;; i get it. setting boundaries can be hard, and sometimes u need to manipulate our digital reality ;;;; now read that last sentence again.

when you softblock someone (for those who dont know: quietly blocking and unblocking a user so that their account is no longer following you), you are forcing a change of the status of their social account against their consent. literally if it werent for this loophole, you would have to log in to their account and unfollow for yourself- imagine how invasive that is!!!!

(and if youre wondering, i dont have to imagine! people in my actual real life have taken my phone from me, opened instagram, found their account, and forced me to unfollow multiple accounts! multiple times. i still havent found everyone i was made to unfollow ;; i really do not write this as a traumadump, quite the opposite: i need you to hear and know the very real pain that comes from this, ok? THERE IS A HUMAN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SCREEN.)

if that doesnt have you convinced though, let me ask you this: how many times has technology glitched on you! maybe a message didnt send? maybe a fic didnt update/post, maybe you saw a post that you swear you had licked before but instead the button was empty, cold, and colorless. you probably questioned your own sanity, right? a piece of your reality?? that wasnt as you thought it should be? because why would reality lie to you!

well...... thinking youre crazy? literally the definition of gaslighting! i thought i was crazy for so long because people just... stopped appearing on my dash! imagine how this impacts people with shakier grasps on reality! (shout out to them btw <3 youre doing so great, i promise you this world IS real)

anyways...... i want to keep this short and sweet. if you have to remove someone from your digital world, PLEASE:

DO NOT SOFTBLOCK.

ok to reblog <3

[pastellmochi]

HI MOCHI are you havig a good summber. its june and its summer her hru any update

OMG IRENE HIIIIIE THANK YOU SOOSOO MUCH FOR THE ASK MWAH ILOVE YOUU 🫶🫶🫶 im so sorry for the late response its literally july omg 😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏 … nd it just deleted what i said help

ITS BEEN KINDA ROUGH BUT IM GETTING THROUGH ITTTT <3333 HOW IS YOUR SUMMER SO FAR TELL ME ABOUT IT I HOPE ITS VERY FUNKY ‼️‼️‼️

ive been Warming up to summer more, def more than winter nd ive been enjoying late night calls with friends :33 ‼️‼️ sothat’s nice summer aesthetic i loveoyouuu

🫶🫶🫶 igot into a lotta fandoms again.. mha.. creepypasta.. found out ab 18trip nd omg <333 oguro kafka you have my heart .. it was me and nico yazawa’s bday nd i got my hair cut !! i unlocked my gender yayayay :33 found out i really like kakiage nd mushrooms.. thank you ryoko kui .. okay tbh my summer so far is my brain being overriden by more fellas . OH I STARTED PLAYING PERSONA 5 AND TWISTED WONDERLAND ‼️‼️ rook and ruggie are real cyooties love those guys (i havent met either) oh nd im playing pokemon bw and tomodachi life !! i should add you on my island !!

+ HERE’S AN EENSY PHOTO DUMP look its kent a mikoshiba … my darling .. my treasure ..

nd i’ve been thinking about enstars i think summer i just get attacked w ensemble stars thoughts.. now its ab taki ibuki .. i cannot escape chiaki kobayashi even if i tried

OH AND SOME SONGS I’VE BEEN LISTENING2

happy ☆ boogie ! !

the spark !!

ANOTHER DAY OF SUN !!

kasaneteku !!

gokuluck’s discography …

lovers always lose !!

bloody mary fake type !!

started reading the stranger in the lifeboat 4writing inspiration !! sidenote i Love how TROPEY 2000s x reader was. always vampire au.. and all the characters live in the same house … and seven minutes in heaven.. and random japanese phrases thrown around 😭😭😭

im trying to get back into drawing after like over three years of not drawing so i can do artfight like suuper late .. trying to come up w an utaite design … OH AND DESIGNING MY SELF INSERT ‼️‼️‼️ their name is sal layman :] do you have a self insert ifyoudo i wanna hear about em :333 if youdont STILL TELL ME ABOUFYOUHR SELFSHIP !!!!

also been really into dcoms and bad movies in general , the more likely they are2say He’s right behind me isnt he the more likely i am to enjoy it. here’s some things ive been watchiiiing im totally up4suggestions or giving oyou suggestions !!! : clue , lake mungo , starstruck , trolls lmao , eddie’s million dollar cook-off , DIABOLIK LOVERS omg its actual Shart and every time it tries to attempt romance or seriousness it fails in ways i have never seen before but it is a spectacular watch. tw for sa and incest 😭😭😭 the few good things though is this show is the embodiment of the 2000s (the fashion is. Yeah) and the openings are unfortunate bangers. also eichi tenshouin is there

tldr im trying to feed my creative self more <333 THANK YOU FOR ASKING I LITERALLY LOVE YOU !!!! PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOU ARE ND ANYTHING YOUVE BEEN IN2 I’D LOVE TO HEAAAR 🥺🥺🥺🫶🫶🫶 ‼️‼️‼️

[raid3r-r4bbit]

@fuzzydreamin thanks for the lol. ive been a little busy with life so sorry for the late response.

Favorite Color:

Green. Like Blindingly Neon almost yellow bile/acid toxic hazmat pukey green. Also black. I'm also a fan of earthy tones, warm greys and browns, rusty orangey reds, and i also unironically love that "some smoker lived here for 5+ years but i swear the walls are white" sepia color.

Last song:

Either Childish Flamingo or 1x1. I've been hopping in between really screamy and just goofy shit atm because i cant focus with anything else. 🤷 But (I also jsut got a new BMTH hoodie) BMTH's post human album has been feeding me. It's a really good (visual? no.) example of that like just angry and over it nihilist feeling and I just *MUNCH CRUNCH AAAA* like i feel like it could be just the tiniest bit angrier and louder but i think that's my headphones.

as for childish flamingo, its like that miseryxcpr thing imo. It's goofy and funny and it slaps. and it's so catchy. it's like right on the edge of aha funny and fuck you street and i love it. i hope any of that makes sense im sorry lol.

Last movie:

the Demon Slayer movie. I skipped all the way to the end to see the fight between Akaza and Rengoku because they're two of my favs ( in order from that show: Uzui (my mom calls yuzu (my cat) Uzui and its adorable) Akaza and Rengoku. I Found out the english dub is out (im way behind) and just needed to hear their english voice acting. all of it is amazing and Akaza's lil gigles during the fight make me incredibly happy. Guys who laugh/giggle mid combat? Ugh >\\x//<

Currently Watching:

Demon Slayer, Chainsaw man, Tokyo ghoul (im rewatching a bunch of animes) Steven universe. (i love all of these and full recommend them. I literally just yesterday(or the day before idk time is a blur) got a new funko pop, it's the half-kakuja kaneki and i love it.)

Other stuff i've watched this year:

Spy x Family, the Junji ito Collection, Yamishibai (if you like picture style art and horror this is great, its somewhat junji ito like, but shorter stories and ngl the zanbai ep scared me a bit) psychpass (some reccomended this to me cause im (obviously) a fan of darker more gruesome shows, and it is very dystopian, love the art work, but i just dont get it.) Given (if you havent watched this show please watch it its amazing) Yuri on ice, Banana Fish (also another fave)

(I work from home, and pretty much exist at my computer, and need to keep on music or tv to keep the bad thoughts out, so i have a lot of time and opportunity to watch stuff ok)

Shows I dropped this week:

Psycho pass. again, i just couldnt get into it. I know a lot of people seem to really like and it full seems like a show that would be up my alley. that first ep was kind of a lot though. I'm not ashamed to admit i love shows that are unafraid to show nudity and violence but the two together (ifykyk) make me uncomfortable. If this case had been a little further in the show i think it would have been fine, but it's litterally the first like ten minutes of the show. I also tried watching this a few week ago while at wasteland but we were pretty much just out the door.

Devil May Cry. I still love the games and the characters, and i remember loving the anime as a kid but its just... so different from the games lmao.

Currently Reading:

random internet stuff, fics and shit. I feel bad because i used to go to the library all the time but at the same time, i dont really have the room to store a whole bunch of books and despite being super dyslexic, i read insanely fast, so renting/buying books isnt worth it to me. (i've read entire full length series in the span of a day or two, while doing other stuff. I need longer, more conveniently packaged novels and that typically comes in the form of fanfiction. )

tagging: @snowmutant @ivanpahdrylakeracer @glaochormfitheach(idk if ur cool tagging you in this kinda stuff, if not just lmk i though it'd be fun :D) @the-soup-witch(im dragging you into tumblr culture whether you like it or not, welcome to tagging games)