#ive had a lot of ~stuff~ going on since like...
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Likes and Dislikes
Notes: OKAY SOO i know its been a hot minute since i posted SORRRYYYY ive been soso busy with work but now i present to you... WRECKER FIC >:)
Pairing: Wrecker x gn!reader
Summary: Your alone time with Wrecker doesn't go as you expected.
Warnings/Tags: mentions of explosives, minor kissing, fluff, like really small angst??, slight yelling — tell me if I've missed anything!
Aboard the ship, the atmosphere had settled into a rare calm, the steady hum of the engines a background comfort as the squad drifted into their own routines. Wrecker was tinkering with a piece of armor and muttering about his latest encounter with some unfortunate droids. You’d been watching him for a while. In a rare moment of impulse, you broke the silence between you.
"What do you like?" you asked, surprising both him and yourself with the question.
He perked up, pausing his work to flash you a broad grin. "What do I like? There's a lot! Blowin' up stuff, battling clankers, sleeping, food... oh, especially those Mantell Mixes on Ord Mantell." His eyes twinkled with the enthusiasm that he seemed to carry with him no matter where they were or what they faced.
You raised an eyebrow, genuinely intrigued by his affection for a food snack that seemed to be more than just a treat. "Mantell Mix?" you asked.
"Yeah! They're like little crunchy things y'eat!" he said, as if this were some life-altering discovery.
You couldn’t help but chuckle, mirroring his smile. "I figured," you replied, before glancing away. You weren’t quite sure what made you ask, but something about his open nature encouraged honesty. "What about what you dislike?"
For once, he seemed stumped, his brow furrowing. He scratched his head thoughtfully before answering, "Hmm... that's a hard question. I don't know what I dislike. Maybe people tryin' to hurt Omega or my brothers." His tone softened at the mention of his squadmates, his loyalty showing through.
"That's sweet of you," you said with a small smile. The truth was, you admired how he protected those close to him. There was something unspoken in the way he looked out for them.
"Anything to keep 'em safe!" he said with conviction. "What about you? Do you have anything ya don't like?"
The question caught you off guard. You hesitated, glancing away before muttering, "War, inflation, you, smelly places, broken speeders, and Lotho Minor."
The silence that followed was broken by his startled laugh. "Wa— Wait... did you say 'you' as in me?" he asked, eyes wide.
"Yeah."
He looked hurt for a second, then almost amused. "Why don't y'like me?" he pressed, clearly curious, shuffling towards you.
Feeling defensive, you shot back, "No comment."
But he was persistent, a trait you both admired and found mildly annoying. "Hey, c'mon, you gotta comment! I wanna know why, cus' you're still talking to me." His grin widened, but there was a hint of genuine confusion in his eyes.
You looked away, a bit embarrassed. "You don’t need to know."
He crossed his arms, leaning closer. "Well, 'm gonna keep annoying ya if I don't get an answer," he declared, refusing to back down.
"Oh please, no," you groaned, rolling your eyes.
"Gotta tell me then!" he challenged.
You huffed, finally relenting. "I don’t dislike you."
"But you just said ya did! So do you like me or not?"
"Does it matter?" you asked, hoping to dodge further interrogation.
"Yes!" he answered firmly, leaving you with little choice.
You took a deep breath, feeling your patience slipping. "You’re so loud and always feel the need to inter—"
"Hey, well that's who I am!" he cut in without missing a beat, looking unapologetic.
"—rupt," you finished, giving him a sharp look. "This is why. You can never keep to yourself, and... you're so astute. You interact with people much easier than I can and always make good friends with people you don’t even know! You’re playful, and it makes it hard to watch when you’re trying to be all... lovey-dovey."
Wrecker blinked at that, momentarily silenced, a rare occurrence. His usual grin was replaced by something softer as you continued, words spilling out that you hadn’t realized you were holding back. "You’re so good with weapons and explosives and give great interest in stuff you’ve never seen before. You always complain when there’s no rations or when we encounter insects on missions! I hate how you laugh anyway when someone tells a bad joke."
He opened his mouth as if to say something, but you weren’t done yet, and your frustration finally found its voice. "I share my food with you, and you take it, but you never spare a second glance! I can never get myself to be versed in the world of explosives, so when we go dumpster diving, I can never have a conversation with you. I comment on how you look in your different sets of armor, but you never respond." You shrugged, attempting nonchalance. "So, you don’t like me."
For a moment, there was nothing but silence. Then he reached over, tilting your chin up, his gaze holding yours with an intensity you hadn’t expected. "There’s a reason why 'm holdin' your chin like this, y’know."
The moment hung between you, thick with words left unsaid and the quiet hum of the ship’s engine. Wrecker’s gaze softened, his hand still resting gently against your chin as he leaned a bit closer, eyes flickering between yours. You hadn’t expected him to be so tender yet so surprisingly hesitant.
He closed the gap slowly, his lips brushing yours in a kiss that was surprisingly gentle for someone so strong. It was warm and unexpectedly sweet, his hand moving to cradle the back of your head as if he was afraid you’d disappear if he didn’t hold on. The world around you fell away, and for that moment, there was only the warmth of his touch and the softness of his kiss.
Your heart skipped, the tenderness in his touch taking you by surprise. "W—What was that kiss for?" you stammered when he leaned in for a brief, unexpected kiss, his laughter rumbling low in his chest.
When he pulled back, his grin was even wider, a light flush colouring his cheeks. "To prove you wrong, haha! Guess ya didn’t dislike that too much, huh?"
He grinned, his eyes sparkling. "Okay, okay, y'dislike me—I know now! But we gotta continue with the rest. How about what ya like?"
He looked so serious, so hopeful, that you couldn’t help but soften. After a moment of silence, your answer slipped out quietly.
"...You."
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Post-Notes: oops how was it? i kkinda thought it was cute this was mainly just dialogue practice since i cantr seem to read my own dialogue without cringing LOL
~ ~ ~
@elsastoes @nekotaetae @jiabeewrites @lokigirlszendaya @imalovernotahater @backyard-bear @namesmox @littlecrowtime @urfriendlyneighbornightfury @thebomb-diggity @Gt13tbbart @therealnekomari @dangraccoon @darkangel4121 @dalu-grantkylo @lucifidious @cw80831 @padawancat97
my taglist form!
#wrecker the bad batch#star wars#the bad batch#the bad batch x reader#wrecker x reader#clone trooper x reader#mooonjin#tbb#tbb wrecker#ALL FOR WRECKER LOOOVEEEE <3#hope iss good :]
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Im on a roll with going actually insane not even with fanart I just have a lot to say
what 3 years without deltarune 2 weeks without Forgettable does to a motherfucker
THE PAPYRUS SONG. LANGUAGE OF THE LOST. IT'S BEEN IN MY PLAYLISTS BEFORE THE ASK, IVE LISTENED TO IT A BIT, BUT SINCE ITS VOCALOID I DIDNT UNDERSTAND A LOT OF THE LYRICS. AND DIDNT CARE TO LOOK THEM UP. UNTIL NOW. OH MY GOD
WHY IS IT PERFECT??????
Ive been theorizing that the “accident” caused a fire because of what was said on the blog about how “photos of them would be gone for a different reason” on the Ask about how photos of wingdings would be effected afterwards. And the fact that Papyrus' bones are burnt-
THIS ISN’T HELPING
Also watch as I descend into amv planning madness attempting not get sidetracked on my like 5 other projects im working on and failing horribly at it
(O yeah and something about the bottom right thing, I have it in my head that Sans and Wingdings hadn't sat down and had a meal together in like- years, cause of lab stuff reasons. And the day Papyrus came into existence, they sat down and had a meal together cause ofc why wouldn’t they? Everything is normal!!! and Sans didn’t know why, but it filled him with a feeling of nostalgia that he still cant describe. ☹️.)
-BUT OKAY JUST A BUT A BIT MORE LYRICAL ANALYSIS THAT I DON’T HAVE VISUALS FOR
If only I had raised suspicion of the cause: Both wingdings regretting not raising suspicion of the fact that his future self is talking to him n all that, and Sans regretting he didn’t step in until it was FAR too late, and Wingdings was GONE mentally. then made himself gone physically.
But these fingers and these palms, full of love despite the scars: THE HANDS!! THE HAND HOLES!!! Despite who wingdings was/what Papyrus came from, he’s still full of love :3
ugh
okay thank you for coming to my tedtalk, you can direct all questions to the pineapple
What would each of the science gangs theme songs be? like ignoring the existence of the undertale OST
Oh...that is a hard question...
OKAY, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS A LOT AND IT'S VERY HARD TO DECIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Uhm
I don't know if I can choose one definitive theme song for them tbh... because I ALWAY change what songs remind me of them
But I'll try to mention some songs that remind me of them rn (theme songs are such a big responsibility)
Okay so you all know "Slipping through my fingers" by ABBA reminds me of Sans
"I'M SANE" by AXIE reminds me of Wingdings ( IN VIBES and changing what certain lyrics mean to something else )
But... uh, not current wingdings, more like, later on Wingdings
For Alphys' song, it doesn't apply right now either, but "Taking what's not yours" reminds me slightly of her c:
(BUT PRETEND IT'S NOT A ROMANTIC SONG! It's so hard finding songs about relationships that aren't romantic guys... it's a struggle...friendships are underrated, says me being aromantic)
Okay, so, not the science gang! But!
Right now "Language of the lost" by Riproducer reminds me a lot of Papyrus c:
I don't have a song for Flowey in this AU,, (Sorry buddy...)
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ok what if, and hear me out, what if it's been so long since i wrote something new that i've completely lost the skill and no longer know how to do it? this is a reasonable concern, yes?
#ive had a lot of ~stuff~ going on since like...#march?#i dont think ive written anything new since march.#only some modest editing and even then barely any of that
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Uploading all my Tomgreg art at once from the past few week before season 4 hits, who knows in what kind of mental state i'm gonna be once it does :')
#tomgreg#succession#dont even talk to me i started watching this show when i had nothing to do at work and now i watch it with averiel my good friend averiel#and we are going to watch s4 together and i feel physically ill from bein so excited#so ya thats what ive been up to... anyway. i love these idiots they desever nothing but the worst (affectionate)#im also a tomshiv lover btw. im the one who yells 'THIS IS HOW TOMSHIV CAN STILL WIN' while they are actively losing on screen#thats the kind of person i am#dont look at me (lying on the floor)#okay i was not going to say stuff in the tags and let the art speak for itself but i NEED to point out details in the wine Painting..#i put a lot of work into that one. thinly veiled metaphors and symbolism yknow..#greg is gripping the stem of the wine glass with his full fist. tom and greg are dressed in the same outfit (sock garters included)#greg look appalled but he is not doing anything about the spill. tom is fondly pouring greg more and more wine. he is doing him a favor#i colored the red wine the same way i would color blood :) oh and tom is not really touching greg#only holding the chair in place. greg is making himself look smaller than he is like usual#oh and @ the person who said that it's the inverse of the tom and nate scene i love the way you think. i did not think of that before#but god. yeah. i actually thought about the scene change from when roman uhh.. christens his office in s1. the one with the coffee machine#i always go insane at that cut. this is not exactly the same since it's more.. about emotions but yknow.. it can be.. the same...
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doodles of my fav sillies
anton belongs to @poicyss
#my brain is a barbie dreamhouse and theyre all just living in it#im especially fond of the second one because my mom used to hold me like that all the time <3#im drawing them a lot lately because im being crushed by the horrors and have to compensate for it somehow#homemade comfort blorbos......#watch me draw anton inconsistently bc i can never decide if i wanna draw him close to how he actually looks#or yassify him and give him soft fluffy hair and kind eyes and defined features. head in my hands#i dont really have a lot of drawing ideas for them bc they dont have like. a canon storyline or anything methinks#its just stuff me and bow toss around and giggle abt thru messages lol. maybe ill draw infant vincent one of these days#i just come up with stuff and draw them doing it. it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside#cuz like anton works for lobocorp as an abnormality BUT hes super duper chill and cute and does his funny little tasks so its fine#AND hes unkillable. auggie is an oc ive had since like 6th grade and i smushed them together. and vincent was for fun but i got attached#i dont have much of a read on anton either bc i think hes meant to be more of an insert character??? if im using that right#on one hand i dont think too hard abt anything being ooc since im not taking it seriously. on the other hand i just hold them in my hands#and stare into space until i can come up with something to draw since i dont have much to go off of. but its fun to build on small tidbits!#i think bow called it an au so i guess??? its an au????? im not really sure. bow if youre reading this im just willy nilly#the only thing i know for sure is that they boink like rabbits. im talking gomez and morticia levels of boinking#maybe ill go back and look at my old doodles for them and redraw em lol#myart#my art#my oc#oc#friend oc#augusta#anton#vincent#sillies family#doodles
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New base progress! I've added a ton of flower fields and some more trees! Further terraforming, garages and vineyards to come but I wanted to break it up a little bit more.
If u have any suggestions let me know :]
#fish builds#mineblr#minecraft build#minecraft builds#mc#yaaaaayyy#i should really add watermarks to this stuff#I dont like people reposting my things so dont lol#i do not give permission for my things to be reposted#but yeah ive had a lot of fun with this#its slow going since i can only build an hour a day at most but im enjoying it anyeay#im hoping to get some more of my ecopunk things in soon#whats the word#solarpunk#thats it
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"my education is my highest priority" everything returns to vocaloid
#delete later#shitpost#vocaloid#?? idk i might keep it up. yes ik turning off rbs is a thing now technically but i always keep forgetting and also naaaah.#i might go edit proper tags in later just bc i dont this to show up in main pages but i needdddddd the organization on here#i made this a while back procrastinating on a linguistics reading and then never posted it#AND THE CIRCLE IS COMPLETE BC IM POSTING IT NOW WHILE PROCRASTINATING ON ANOTHER LINGUISTICS READING LMAOO#dudeee i gotta lock in. oh my god. its so bad up in here triple assault. i cant focus on SHIT. WHY DO I ALWAYS GET IDEAS WHEN IM BUSY AHGHH#this might be revealing a bit too much info but pls this is legit what happened LMAOO 😭🥴#we're starting ipa alphabet stuff now and im like 'hey i already know you...' from phoneme fuckery ive had to do for voca shitposts#knowing linguistics is cool cause u get to dissect what makes languages work and i thought that'd be genuinely helpful for things#like i plan to do more english/spanish translation work specifically so yuh. but also I KNOW internally in my heart...#despite trying to give the professional justifications I KNOW my stupid ass is secretly just absorbing all this knowledge for voca purposes#my brand of shitposting goes against the very origin of the word since 'shitposting' originally refers to very low effort low quality memes#so there's been a semantic shift in definition even outside of mine but i still think its really funny. i put a lot of genuine hard work#into making stupid little jokes to amuse primarily myself and maybe anyone else who finds it on the internet. so yea#no but genuinely though its unironically incredible how much shit i've learned direct or indirectly for vocaloid shitposting purposes
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eeeekk hi again everyoneee!!! i'm gonna allow myself today to post one art because i miss sharing my stuff on my blog :]]
red sprites: (x)
#~ art#💚 appleshipping#ueeee theyre here <3...#speaking of red. bad news tho. my soulsilver gameplay got corrupted. all my games got corrupted...#so uh....... vs red battle has to... be postponed again. this game hates me so much fr /lh i have ... to restart ...#i even had a misdreavus named xyla and i love her so much!!! she was hard to catch!!!#im just gonna jump back to emerald from square one since i felt like doing a reset too (didnt like my team that much lmao)#umm!! anyways. stuff is okay lately. pokemas is cheering me as usual and being away from tumblr with little visiting helped a lot#been hanging with my besties and we did something fun together all that fun stuff ehhee#but im still going to stay close to my promise that ill redownload tumblr after hiatus haha#umm on a lighthearted note... ive been really interested in legends arceus lately! ive been cooking jaide's ancestor design#and both jaides have an official surname now <3 (it's evergreen!) the oc is professor evergreen :33#i think i just used this artpost to talk about how ive been doing lately LMAOOOO#i actyally have a lot of things i wanna talk about here like not even lore related ahdsjfdkafsa#like... how everyone's been speculating about pokemon day 2024 and how everyones thinking we might get bw remakes....
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redownloaded an old art program
#specifically its tayasui memopad…#sketches was like borderline unusable last i redownloaded it#which was like.. oct last year#maybe its gotten better but i dont feel like bothering with it anymore haha#memopad i never used much aside from little scribble doodles (id make a scribble and try to turn it into something)#but its changed a lot since i last used it.. which was like four years ago so i cant be too surprised i guess XD#its still pretty jank but in a more manageable way . i missed rhe sketches brushes theyre very lovely#sorry for all the rambling haha#ive been feeling really shitty lately and have barely been able to draw it feels like#a lot of what i have made ive had to really.. force myself to get out. and i havent been as satisfied with it as id like to br#this is kind of janky still but i like it and i had fun making it#everytime i draw these two its exactly the same cuz i have to remind myself what their designs even were everytime >_<‘’#hopefully i do some more stuff today. its already getting late but im feeling a little better#getting back into the swing of things or whatever#i thought someone on af was ghosting me or whatever but turns out they were just . busy. ( <- figures i need to stop assuming haha) and#they also made this amazing revenge im absolutely in love with its so cute#really made my day =)#scribbles#furry tag#good god i write way too much in these#sorry#anyways#queueing this to post again (its the 14th as im writing this) i feel like that worked alright for me last time#im kinda making this post impulsively i am. constantly going back nd forth on whether i even like posting my art nowadays#oh well#yeah queue i wanna know#mother series#<- i forgot to tag that . for blog organization mostly these r just#nothing burger npcs barely anyone cares abt (nintens sisters lol)
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Having a paracosm for 7ish years has spoiled me. Trying to not only start but keep a new paracosm going is just. insanely difficult. who are you people what is going on why am I here. all boring answers till everything gets some real development i hate it so much.
#paraportal#system: eternal labyrinth#system: dream a little dream of me#decided to start fleshing out my secondary paracosm universe. which doesnt have a lot going for it#its basically just the scraps of whatever i couldnt fit in eternal labyrinth somehow#like yeah brain...a shitty r0tg rewrite fanfic/au will save us from boredom. sure. why not.#i mean ive had morphues for a while so its nice to put him in action again (same w cloud).#and harper seems cool so far i guess#idk my cosms have v broad concepts (phanta - video games / maac - superheroes/comic books / ff - fairytales)#and daldom is dreams . so far. so i just gotta figure out a way to work w it#maybe add some scifi since i dont typically do that kind of stuff#this'll probably just be like. the opposite of what i typically do/like. just to add some spice yknow.
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When it comes to hygiene tasks and self care with disability and chronic illness, its pretty much a constant case of: don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.
Basically: it's better to do something, than to do nothing at all.
TLDR: Just because you can't do something "properly" doesn't mean you shouldn't do it at all. Do it half-way. Do it shitty. Do it barely. Do it on a technicality. But do what you can. Just try, because doing something will help you.
If you don't have the energy to scrub your body with a sponge, just rub soap over your skin with your hands.
If you don't have the energy to wash your whole body with soap, just hit the places where sweat accumulates, or where you're smelliest.
If you don't have the energy to wash with soap AT ALL, just sitting in water is better than nothing. It will wash away dirt and oils.
If you can't bathe or shower at all, a warm wash cloth is your new best friend. If that's too much, then try bath wipes. They're a bit bigger than regular wet wipes, and a bit more heavy duty. They're designed to help keep bed ridden patients clean in hospitals.
If you don't have the energy to dry yourself after a bath or a shower, just put on a bathrobe and get into bed. If you don't have the energy to get dressed afterwards, just don't. It can wait until you can.
If you don't have energy to brush your teeth for two minutes, honestly, just a cursory scrub is better than not doing anything.
If you can't brush your teeth twice a day, brush in the evenings. It will help take away the build up of food from the day.
If you don't have the energy to brush AT ALL, honestly, just take a cloth and wipe the plaque off your teeth. Rinse with mouth wash after if you'd like. Something is always better than nothing.
If you can't floss twice a day. Try once. If that's too much, try a few times a week. If that's too much, try setting aside a day once a week as a goal. If you can't keep a schedule, do it when you're able to. Hell, I keep some floss next to my bed so that if I forget and don't have the energy to go get it, I can just reach over.
If you can't iron your clothes, don't bother. Wrinkles are fine. Wear jumpers over wrinkly t-shirts. No one will know, and honestly, most people won't even care. If it's really wrinkly and it's A Big Deal And It Needs To Be Ironed, here's my life hack. Step 1: take a spray bottle, and spritz the item of clothing (while you're wearing it is easiest) until it's lightly damp. Step 2: use a hair-dryer on the clothes until they're dry. It gets rid of creases like nobody's business, it's easier than lugging out the iron and ironing board, and you get to have nice toasty warm clothes afterwards.
If you can't fold your clothes, try just hanging them up. It's less commitment. It's quicker to do. Granted, you need to have the space in order to do this, but it is also good at helping you downsize, and lets you visualise exactly what you have.
If you can't put your clothes away, invest in a couple of laundry baskets, and then just keep your clean clothes in the baskets. You can then separate washed clothes into underwear, pants, and shirts baskets. You can just leave them like that. I'm giving you permission to never fold your laundry again if you can't. Just leave it unfolded. Who's going to care? Something is better than nothing. If you can, try to put those baskets into your closet so that you can keep the clutter out of sight, and give yourself a more restful environment.
If you can't separate your clothing out into different categories and wash them "properly" (whites, warm tones, cool tones, darks, delicates / switching between hot & cold washes / paying attention to laundry instructions on the label) then just don't worry about it. If you cold wash your clothes, colours won't bleed. Maybe gradually over the course of dozens of washes there'll be some changes in hue, but it's really not as high stakes as the One Red Sock In The Whites Turns Them Pink trope makes it out to be.
I've pretty much come to the point in my life where if a piece of clothing can't survive the washer and dryer, then it's just not meant to be. I colour separate my clothes, and if I have the energy/remember I'll take my bras and jumpers out of the washing machine to drip dry. But otherwise, I leave it to the universe.
If you can't separate out your recycling, then don't. If you have a large amount of rubbish you need to get rid of but the idea of separating it out properly is stopping you from doing so, then just don't worry about it. I know it's not ideal, but if you have garbage in your room/house and you need to get rid of it, please just get rid of it. Don't let the problem get bigger and harder to deal with. Don't let "doing something properly" get in the way of keeping your living spaces clean. Please. Give yourself understanding.
If you can't wash your dishes, get paper plates. Obviously, it's not ideal, but it is better that you eat food than skipping meals. It is better that you have a clean kitchen, rather than having dishes piling up and making it harder to look after yourself.
If you can't prepare meals for yourself keep making the tasks easier and easier. If you can't do recipes, then simplify. Use pasta sauce from the jar instead of making it. Eat canned soup. Buy food you can just stick in the oven. If you eat fish fingers and microwave veggies every night, it's better than not eating anything at all. It's better than having to fork out money on take-out. If you need ready-made meals, then get them. If you're literally just eating a raw cauliflower for dinner; 1) I see you, 2) me too, sis, 3) something is better than nothing.
These are the basic things you need to do every day to function as a person. They are your activities of daily living. Brushing your teeth. Bathing or showering. Using the bathroom. Getting dressed. Eating. Drinking. Sleeping. Keeping your environment clean. You don't need to do these things perfectly, but they need to happen in order for you to have a decent quality of life.
And it breaks my heart, because I know that so many disabled people can't do these things every day. I'm not saying this to guilt or judge, I'm saying that these are basic needs; you deserve these things. These things bring dignity. If a disabled person is unable to do these things, it diminishes their quality of life. It robs them of dignity.
If you need help to do these things, Its okay to ask for help. It's okay to need help. But if you can't get that help and you have to do these things by yourself -- or you just plain want to be independent and do it without help-- then don't hold yourself to standards you can't meet.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. Even if it's not perfect. Even if it's not done well. Do what you can.
#lord knows that im still trying to pull myself out of the muck and into independence and dignity#i had to set a rule for myself that i need to wear clean clothes every day. and that i need to wear pyjamas to bed#that one's been hard. sometimes I dont have the energy to do it and i just stay in the same clothes for two days at a time#or i go to sleep in what i was wearing. but when i do follow that rule my quality of life is drastically better#not feeling dirty or gross goes a long way to making you feel more like a person#i also made a rule that im not allowing myself to look frumpy outside anymore. that means clothes that look nice#no more trackies and pj pants and all that stuff. i basically lived in perpetual pyjamas for four years and im over it#i still dress comfortably but the important thing is that i dress. i look put together. i wear things that make me happy#(and i didnt need to buy anything to do so. i just needed to start taking better care of myself)#and i stopped letting perfect be the enemy of the good. i started doing things shitty rather than not doing it at all#and the more i keep pushing with my ADLs the better i feel#what helps is now i dont have to contend with stairs and that has made a dramatic change to what im able to accomplish#ive also finally built up enough strength in my body that im able to go to the shops by myself. so i can buy things to make easy meals#and mum doesnt mind if i just put some things in the oven or air fryer for us for dinner.#i still cant really cook. i felt bad about that for the longest time. i didnt even try bc i knew what id make would be disappointing#or it wouldnt be up to the standards of what everyone else was making. i was so sick of feeling like a let down all the time.#now i just make what i can and my mum doesnt complain bc shes in the same boat.#and yeah. having help would be nice. it would mean id be able to do more than what i can do by myself.#and its great to see how far ive come. but im not a burden. and when i have the accommodations i need i can do a lot more#i do something rather than nothing and my life has dramatically changed since then. ive just gotten better and better.#chronic illness#disability#chronic pain#spoonie#one things for certain and thats that im never going to let myself rely on anyone else ever again.#i never want to be on the other side of that ever again. I don't want to be anyone's burden. i dont want that hanging over me#i do things by myself or i dont do them at all. and god fucking willing i'll never go back to needing as much help as i used to#i really didnt realise just how much of an obstacle living with stairs was in my life. it was the biggest barrier against everything#stairs stopped me from being independent. if i couldnt traverse them i just didnt go anywhere. my world shrank so much#and not having the proper wheelchair shrinks my world even more. im stronger than i used to be but im still severely limited in where i go
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still emotionally recovering from losing a bunch of shit i had in my phone
#including my .flow save..#i just needed like 1 effect#but i was playing a rly old version and wanted to start a more updated one anyway#been using some programs to try to get my shit back so far only 2 have been useful but a lot of the stuff is corrupted sooooo#at least i got back some camera pictures that are dear to me#and some fanarts i saved#oooh LIFE SUCKS right now#losing my files is one of the saddest things that can happen to me im super picky with backing up my stuff#like ive always been#ive always had to go from 1 device to another since i didnt have one of my own for most of my life so i had to borrow other's#ive always done such a big effort in keeping my things safe and nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
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feeling dire
#definitely mostly pms but also other things . SCARED!!!#lots of stuff happening to create Perfect circumstances for me to have a very bad time#and generally. i am FAR more prone to depression than anxiety but atm i am a ball of nerves#meds on back order. Scary!!! makes me feel like i need to ration my current supply (i rly don’t)#SCHOOL. RLY SCARY. didn’t go to class today. So many assignedments to work on and they just keep piling up!!#need to meet w my prof abt research. SCARY!! bc i have been slacking like crazy 🫠#and the biggest anxiety inducer. Money!!! which is DUMB!!!! bc objectively i don’t need to worry!!!!!!!#but unexpected thangs are in motion so i am having to pay > $700 more than anticipated a month#which again. this is manageable. Not ideal but given my jobs i can handle it#i just wasn’t expecting it and now feel very out of sorts#since i was a little kid ive had this weird truly unreasonable and irrational anxiety abt money#and this is unfortunately triggering a lot of that again#which is bad bc it makes everything else spiral. ex. need to save -> buying less groceries/policing what i eat -> ed relapse#just feeling very very stupid and upset 🥴#pers
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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i feel like. theres designing a character with certain themes and motifs in mind, and then theres making a gijinka for the water bottle on my nightstand
#me when im the only person on the bus wearing a mask: i should make a furry plaguesona#its hard to explain bc. most of the time i try NOT to give my characters a 'strong' theme like making their whole design around#one thing like apples or even broad stuff like baking or cottagecore.. idk if its partly for flexibility or because i cant imagine them#making it their whole personality. not bc i find it cringe or overblown but more like ive learned to associate design with character depth#i had a cutesy uwu persona for most of highschool because i thought it would make me more. likeable? easy to remember? since#memorable character designs are easy to recognize. and one way of doing that is simplifying it with a theme or symbol so you form an#association. but since im a real person its exhausting keeping up that appearance all the time and denying myself things when they dont#fit my 'aesthetic' or 'theme.' i think ive grown past that bc i just collect stuff because i think it looks cool and dont let myself dwell#on how it might 'fit' with my image. but i cant help feeling bad doing it to my own characters bc it feels like im making them too one#dimensional. despite knowing that theyre not real and design alone doesnt reflect depth i cant help feeling like its wrong#despite that i love seeing motifs because it feels like it reflects the characters soul and paradoxically gives them depth. it makes them#interesting to look at too and honestly its pretty fun combining things that fall under a similar category when designing#i struggle find a balance between those two things#actually this reminds me of noelles christmas theme.. i dont remember her saying anything abt liking christmas despite a lot of#her design and character tying back to it. it makes me wonder if she would have feelings about that or doesnt think abt it too hard#or if its like a matching family shirts situation and shes just going along with it??#maybe i should just do whatever i want with my character designs since theyre not real and im thinking abt it too hard#although. this probably has something to do with deep seated identity issues huh#yapping#oc talk#oc
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d4dj side mix: super ride!!! :D
#crow's scribbles#d4dj#d4dj b-side#hikaru yamate#kyoko yamate#emi maeda#i couldn't draw kaito and seina but eh im alright w it#i say this like a lot of people know them. hi hello look at these guys theyre not my ocs no but i love them so much like they are#go check out super ride on ao3/wattpad!! i managed to get brainrot over these little guys (im totally not all of the 30+ comments--)#i cannot check their bios bc wattpad is an ass and doesnt want me to check stuff without an acc#soooo i had to draw them from memory and how i thought they looked as i read through the fic#miiight possibly draw kaito and seina another time (maybe even izumi and her unit???)#oh also the other units ofc (i havent had the time to design them all since. uh. *gestures to everything ive been doing)#the author literally follows me so i hope they see this and like it??#sorry if i got dj cherry wrong :(#edit: changed it from side mix to b-side bc. yea
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