#maybe its gotten better but i dont feel like bothering with it anymore haha

[motherforthefamicom]

redownloaded an old art program

[keysimash]

Hello!!

I do not want to be bothering or rude, I am just curious if you’ve had time or energy to continue Leave, I still love the story so much and am looking forward to find out how it goes!!

But if not it’s ok, I just hope you have a nice day no matter what!! <3

Short answer , it's not discontinued but idk when I will work on it again. Sorry to be a disappointment

Long answer you probably dont want to read

I hate it. I can't even read it. I like my story, I like the plans I HAVE for the story, I just.... cant read my own writing. And this isn't some kind of compliment fishing either, it's gotten to the point I dont even like getting nice comments about it on my ao3 inbox anymore.

I sit down to work on it and I just... can't. All I can think about is how cringy it sounds ... and how bad it is, etc etc

Logically I know I'm actually a pretty good writer. But all I see when I look at this shit is mistakes.

And I come across in my writing as... way too emotional and earnest? If that makes any sense. I've mentioned I never made a plot outline, that shit is sooo obvious when i read it. And how I changed the plot three or four times. And how I changed the plot every time I got upset.

I used to not give a fuck about appealing to other people when I wrote because I didnt have anyone whose opinion I cared about reading it but now I feel like I have to write it not shittily or I'll disappoint everyone and myself. And I'm not capable of writing it not shittily right now because I would

a) have to build off the disjointed skeleton I've already made that's got plot holes and mischaracterizations

b) start over from scratch

And I can't do it right now! I cant!

I keep thinking about how my best friend told me I shouldn't put vent art on the internet at all. I feel disgusting now almost. Like people that take pics of their cuts and post em. I know shes full of shit but I cant shake the feeling. That it's my fault if I trigger somebody. That by writing anything that isnt a joke or fluff I'm doing something gross and self-masturbatory and harmful. "If you interpret the characters in a way the author didnt want you're just wrong..." that's what she said.. Its kirby and Meta knight and magolor for gods sake. What am I doing trying to make a gritty realistic darkfic... from a kids game.... cringe.... (only me tho. Nobody else counts)

Even my other works for other fandoms, it almost feels like they're on a timer as soon as I post them. I go "I like that, that's good" and post, and then a few days later I'm like "oh . That's shit now" and it has nothing to do with engagement or anything, its just like an arbitrary switch flipped in my brain

The only time I was writing well and writing consistently... was when I was being abused... I feel like I've lost my spark ... because maybe the only time I can make anything good is when I'm under so much emotional pressure I feel like I'm about to snap.... but if that were true I should be writing right now haha.

And I can sit here and know all these things, that when I'm stressed my thought process goes all stupid, that I'm actually a good writer, that I'm not hurting anybody by the fic I post, that writing something shit is better than not writing anything at all, but it doesn't do anything to change how I feel.

But. I did say it's not discontinued, didnt I?

If its stressing me out so much well why dont I delete it, well the answer to that is I HATE HATE HATE when authors delete their good shit.... deep down I know a lot of people love my stories and that they have some worth... that's why I haven't deleted them all...

I love writing, still.... writing for cotl feels less bad than kirby cos.. it feels like its expected to be edgy and dark, so I dont feel bad about what I write until later at least... but I still love to write and create....

I just need some time... I miss writing kirby stuff but I just can't face my own writing. I cant face myself. And it order to start writing again -- I think that's my problem. I would have to forgive myself for not being perfect. I would have to admit that , like my writing , its okay to love myself/my writing even with the manymanymany .flaws.

I can't. Not right now. Maybe later tho

I didnt have that last revelation before. Not until I wrote everything out. When I was trying to explain all my feelings to someone else , I ended up explaining it to myself. This post was long overdue anyway

Sorry

[flutterji]

anything| renjun ff

hi! this is my first ff on tumblr so hopefully it all works out well. hope u enjoy!

desc: y/n and renjun have only been friends for about a month, but renjun was in too deep. whipped renjun, gender not specified reader!! semi drabble, high school au (like all my stories hhh), very fluffy ! barely edited, its a bit long too but whatever

word count:  2103

•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

y/n and jisung briskly walked the halls of their oh-so-dreadful high school, talking about, of course, absolute nonsense. ‘i mean, like, salamanders are so cute, right?’ y/n questions the tall boy, and jisung nods enthusiastically. “right! so then why would they eat each other?” jisung added. “as babies, too! it doesn make se-” cut off from their sentence, renjun snaked his arms around the both of them before yelling, “hey guys!” “renjunie!” y/n exclaims, and a wide smile paints renjun’s lips. “whats up shawty?” jisung says before making The Fuckboy Face™. “eh, not much, just absolutely dreading and stressing beyond human compacity about the calc exam tomorrow.” renjun says, pulling his arms away and shoving himself in between the two. “maybe we can study? i- honestly i wont be any help, but i have some pretty cool notes i could share?” y/n proposes. “sure, when?” renjun says, without skipping a beat. jisung looks at the two and then looks away in disgust. “you oldies.” he says, before sticking out his tongue in a teasing manner. “whatever, loser!” y/n says, emphasizing the ‘loser’. jisung pretends to cry and is all but payed attention to when renjun bothers y/n for an answer. ‘we cant study if you dont tell me when!” “well if the exam’s tomorrow then obviously we study today! what are you, an idiot?” y/n says, lightly teasing the poor boy. “right, but like, when today?” “you annoy me.” y/n responds without really responding, traveling away to meet their other friend group. “haha, y/n hates you!” jisung says. renjun then nudges jisung not-so-gently before sighing. “i dont get it. i would do anything for them and they just brush me off like im... i dont know, what am i?” he asks, confused. “an idiot. a complete idiot.”

•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

as soon as school ends, renjun sends y/n a text. ‘library?’ is all he says, and y/n answers quickly. ‘get here quickly pls,,, i dont wanna waste time” y/n sends back shortly after. renjun walks to their schools library, and sees his study mate. “hey jun, hurry up before i start growing grey hairs.” y/n whisper yells from one of the tables. he had taken longer than he wanted to, so he rushed to the table and scurried to get out his notebook and a pencil. ‘right, so, show me your notes.” y/n says, half distracted by the drawing they were creating in the corner of a scrap piece of paper. renjun opens his note book, revealing his subpar notes. “dude, what-- how much time do you spend actually taking notes?” y/n asks before revealing their organized notes that definitely weren’t the best, but better than renjun’s. “i look out the window more than i pay attention, ha...” renjun admits with a sheepish smile. “sure, just read my notes and copy whatever you need.” y/n says nonchalantly. “thank you so much, you’re a life saver, y/n!” renjun exclaims. “of course i am, i’m me.” y/n says unexpectedly, before ‘posing’ and rolling their eyes.

•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

after some time had passed, renjun had gotten distracted. “junie, can i tell you something?” y/n asked, looking at renjun’s renovated notes. “sure, whats up?” renjun responds while flipping his pencil between his fingers. “there’s this girl that likes me, but i don’t like her back. it’s kinda so awkward, but i don’t want it to be. ugh, its so frustrating!” y/n whines as they drum their fingers against the table. “oh? who is it? can i know?” renjun immediately asks. “she told me tot to tell anyone. so i’m kinda already not listening, but as long as i don’t tell you her name that should be fine, right?” renjun whines and begins asking more questions. “is she nice? do i know her? when-” “shut up.” y/n cuts him off and runs their temples. “she’s... its not like she’s not nice, and you don’t know her, okay? ugh, i shouldn’t have even tried telling you about my love life.” y/n grumbles. “love life?” renjun asks. “maybe you could repay me by telling me something.” y/n offers, a smirk growing on their face. renjun tries hard not to blush and looks away quickly. “there’s, uh, nothing to talk about, ha.” he explains half heartedly. “sure there is! maybe not recent, but tell me something at least a little interesting.” y/n persuades. “uh, well, last year i made friends with this... person, and i liked them. they, uh, they moved away. yea.” renjun cant help but blush as he struggles to find literally anything else to do. “yea, sure.” y/n takes note of his blush and can’t help but wonder if he’s lying. 

•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

y/n begins packing up and renjun looks at them in confusion. “you have to go?” he asks, trying to hide his disappointment. “yea, im sorry. you got everything you needed, right?” y/n responds. y/n has a knack for ignoring renjun, the way he blushes, the way he often looks at them with wide eyes, the way he looks around aimlessly when he thinks, the way he throws his head back when he laughs, the way he bends his knees when he screams into the air when he’s frustrated or flustered, and... maybe they didn’t ignore renjun. maybe they didnt ignore him at all. “yea, thank you so much!” and he smiles the cutest smile and starts packing up his things as well. “you have a ride home? i’m taking the bus.” y/n asks. “i’m taking the bus too! maybe we should get a snack for the ride?” “YES.” y/n answers right away. renjun laughs and throws back his head, just like how y/n was just thinking about. a small smile creeps up y/n’s face and a boldness takes over. “you’re adorable, you know that?” y/n asks, swinging their backpack over their shoulder. renjun blushes, and hard. his heart races and he struggles to come up with a reply as his hand thoughtlessly covers his smile. “adorable, ha.” he says quietly. y/n internally yells and waits for him. “yea. so what type of snack do you want?”

•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

on the bus with chip bags on their laps, the silence is almost comforting, right before it’s not. the bus stops to let in more people, and renjun looks at y/n. y/n pops more chips in their mouth before looking back, and renjun swiftly looks away. they’re sitting next to each other, and renjun has never been that close to y/n. he starts noticing their more delicate features up close and feels his chest tightening. after y/n swallows the chips, they look at renjun’s hand, a single ring on his pointer finger. mindlessly, they pick it up to examine the ring. renjun’s heart starts beating louder at the contact, and he looks out the window without knowing what else to do. “pretty ring.” y/n says. “thank you, chenle gave it to me.” he says, smiling shyly. “so you’re married?” y/n says, a single brow raised. renjun takes back his hand and and looks at his ring. “its not like that! besides, i dont like him.” he says. “do you like someone else then?” “maybe.” renjun mutters so quietly that he can barely hear himself. “HA! I KNEW IT!”  y/n celebrates their small victory and renjun looks back towards the window with a stupid smile on his face and a blush on his cheeks.

•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

once renjun reaches his stop, he stands up. “this you?” y/n asks. “yea, bye!” he says, almost sadly walking in front of y/n to get out of the aisle. “no, not bye, lemme walk with you the rest of the way.” y/n says and gets up, walking out and away from the bus shortly after. renjun smiles to himself and walks towards his street, leading the way. “so... who is it?” y/n asks. renjun blushes and covers his face. “i can’t tell you that!” he says. “why not? huh? i’ll tell you mine.” y/n says. “yoU HAVE A CRUSH?” renjun practically screams. “yea, it’s not a big deal.” y/n says, right before pulling two lollipops out of their pocket and handing one to renjun. “fine, but, please don’t hate me.” renjun pleads, putting the wrapper into his pocket. “i promise i wont hate you. who is it?” “well, we only started being friends recently, but they’re just so.. i don’t know. and i’ve told jisung this, but i would do anything for them.” he says, trying hard not to stutter and even harder to not get a heart attack. y/n puts the lollipop in their mouth, and renjun follows. “anything?” y/n asks playfully. “yea, pretty much. i don’t even know why i like them so much, they act like... i don’t know, they kind of ignore me.” y/n secretly wondered what type of human would be able to ignore someone as nice and as attractive as renjun. “ignore you? it’s hard to do that with how whiny you are.” y/n laughs and renjun whines. “see, i told you!” y/n says and smiles around their lollipop. “anyways, do i know them?” y/n asks shortly after. “yea, kinda... hah, all of a sudden i dont really wanna talk about it anymore, so, bye?” renjun forces his hands into his pockets. was he really ready to confess? “fine, i’ll tell you about mine then. he’s really charming in his own way, and i just realized that i liked him recently. we also haven’t been friends for long, ha. i don’t know why, there’s just something about him, his cute little habits are so endearing to me. ew, i sound gross.” y/n pretends to vomit, and renjun sighs lowly. “you really do like him, huh?” he asks, defeated. “yea, i guess i really do.”  y/n smiles to themselves and nudges renjun.

•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

renjun kicks at a rock before stopping in front of a house. “well, this is my house, so...” “right.” y/n nods and presses their lips together. “hey, could you do me a favor?” y/n asks, right before renjun goes to walk up to the door. “sure, anything you want?” “anything?” y/n asks with a smile on their face. renjun lightly blushes, before saying quietly, “yea, anything.” he sends a small smile and y/n can’t help but walk closer to the boy. renjun’s heart starts pounding inside his chest. did he just confess?   y/n reaches out to him and gives him a hug. renjun frantically tries placing his hands on y/n’s back multiple times before finally resting them in one spot, placing his head in the crook of their neck. to him, it felt like they fit together perfectly. a giant smile paints his lips and y/n starts retracting their arms. ‘it’s you, renjun.” y/n faulters with their words. renjun’s eyes go wide and his lips part to let in air. he felt like he couldn’t breathe. “me. i am? it’s… what? he says, absolutely speechless. “you’re the guy i was talking about earlier. not that it matters.” y/n shrugs, trying to hide the fact that their heart was absolutely racing. “it does, uh, to me, because, you’re the person i was talking about earlier too, so…” he hides his face with his hand and looks away. ‘you think i ignore you?’ y/n says, surprised. ‘uh, a little bit…” he admits, shyly. he felt like he was going to explode, he was so flustered. “sorry, i’ll try to pay more attention to you?” y/n offers, paired with a crooked smile. renjun bends his knees and screams into the air, making y/n smile and laugh shortly after. “sorry, and, yea, that would be nice.” y/n hesitates before stepping forward and planting a quick kiss on renjun’s cheek, sending the poor love-struck boy’s heart to heaven and hell at the same time. a wide goofy smile is shared between the both of them. “ill text you?” y/n offers, hands trying to find a place to stop before finally landing in their pockets. “yes, great! i mean, uh, cool. very cool.” renjuns fails to hide his excitement as he practically floats on air and lets out a sigh, shooting y/n a thumbs up. “very cool, yes.” y/n laughs and finally leaves the boy to go inside, and he automatically starts jumping in a circle and clapping out of happiness.

•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

the end! 

[serendipitys-lie]

Harry Hook x Reader Imagine “Trust Me” Pt. 1

Harry hook imagine

Authors note: Again I take requests on any fandoms I’m always free just ask away! This wasn’t requested but I thought about it haha :)

Also the part where you start with “I’m the girl who loves my island” is basically a passage from the reprise song that Moana sings in the movie Moana and I thought it’d be nice to include lol

Also i split this into two parts (maybe even three) because tumblr says its too long ;-;

Summary: You are the daughter of Moana and after the events of its going down you are left behind on the isle to fend for yourself. You run into Harry Hook who will end up being your best chance on getting out and along the way you will learn more about each other and grow closer in relationship.

MAJOR WARNING: BIG MENTION OF RAPE, I DONT REALLY MENTION IT ITS MORE OF ME IMPLYING IT BUT ITS STILL THERE SO

~~~~~~~~~~~

You woke up from your dream in a daze panting slightly. Taking in all your surroundings you realized, yes you were still in the same place and yes, that place was the isle of the lost.

Normally the isle of the lost was not a place where a princess should be, let alone the daughter of Moana herself yet you were here. You had begged the VKs to take you on their rescue trip to save your closet friend Ben who had been kidnapped on the isle. Sadly a mist the battle between pirates and royalty the group fled in a hurry and had forgotten that you were on the other side of the plank once Mal had kicked it off.

As soon as they realized their mistake they tried all they could to get you back, you assuring them you’d be fine and that they just needed to go. The last thing you saw Mal word to you was “we’ll come back for you” before they disappeared into the pipe and you fled from the pirate scene hoping to stay out of view from any villains.

That had been nearly three months ago when it occurred and they still hadn’t come… you still hadn’t left. Yet it all consisted of the same. Everyday you’d hide out in Mal’s old apartment and leave when you needed food and such making sure no villains or crew members of Uma found out there was a princess on the isle.

You had learned to steal, it wasn’t a favorite of yours but sadly you learned you’d need to do it if you were to survive anymore on this gosh forsaken dump of land. You hated it here, not for reasons many would think. You were homesick, tired, and alone. You’d give anything to be back in Auradon smiling with Ben and your friends yet, you were not.

You sighed preparing yourself to head out for the day. You put on your beige shorts, red top, white sneakers, and your signature Hawaiian flower (given to you by your mother) in your hair. Lastly you tied the look all off with a big, old, dirty cloak so no one would recognize you and you left.

~~~~~~~~~~~

You had been “shopping” around for what felt like hours before you began to grow tired. Your feet were starting to ache and you only wished to go home when something shiny had caught your attention from the corner of your eye. You quickly turned to see the object more clearly and couldn’t help but feel your curiosity grow. You definitely felt your mother’s childlike wonder grow in you more and more as you inched closer now in a more secluded area of the alleyways.

You had decided that you’d just take the item and be on your way. Yes stealing was wrong and always would be but you only ever stole food and you didn’t see why you couldn’t steal for your own pleasure for once. And so you did, you inched closer and closer till you finally grabbed the item, yanking it from its position, and running.

You ran as fast as you could feeling the wind in your hair and your cloak hood fall. You could hear footsteps approaching faster and louder and quickened your haste. When it suddenly seemed like you had won and the steps had died down you reached a dead end in a dark ally way and ran into the wall, falling to the ground with a thud and mentally cursing yourself for being so clumsy.

You were just about to get up and sprint when you suddenly felt a grip on your wrist and chills go down your spine. You were pulled to your feet and pushed in the hold of whoever had caught you. Your back was pressed against the strangers front, whoever it was clearly being taller than you and being able to keep a strong, tight grip.

You wriggled and squirmed but just could not break free of the hold they had you in. You suddenly felt a warm breath down your neck and the words, almost a haughty whisper by your ear,

“Didn’t your mother ever teach you that stealing from a pirate was a mistake?”

Your face flushed at the voice, feeling uncomfortable and hot at the same time. With one strong big push you were able to break free from your attacker, hitting the wall once more, dropping the stolen item, and falling on your butt. As you looked up, one hand shielding your eyes from the sun you saw it, those beautiful blue eyes, the shadow of the figure putting the shiny, stolen item onto his hand. you knew instantly who he was! You had recognized him from the battle to save your friend and what you had just happened to steel was his pirate hook… ouch.

“Harry Hook” you spat out.

“Well well well, you do know me. That’s a shame lass I don’t recall who you are?” He said holding one hand out to you to help you back up with a cheeky grin. As you stood up and were able to give the pirate a better look at your physique, many things seemed to finally come back to Harry.

“I know you doll, you were at the battle! To save king beastie! Oi you must be some kind of princess now aren’t ye? Let me guess lass, go on gimme a princess name” he said with a menacing grin.

You rolled your eyes at the pirate annoyed with his behavior and the fact that you had finally been caught.

“I’m not a princess, I’m the daughter of the village Chieftess. There’s a difference and frankly I’d rather if you didn’t know who I was thank you very much” you answered calmly seeing it as an opportunity to start walking away when he grabbed your arm once more and moved closer.

“Tsk tsk tsk” he began, “you’ve made two mistakes in one day lass. Never steal from a pirate and never walk away from Harry Hook. Now judging by your snarky attitude and rebellious behavior ima say your Y/N, the daughter of Moana ye?”

“H-how… how did you know that?”

“I know all royalty love, I’m a pirate, makes for good loot stealing plans.” You just simply nodded and gave him a straight face hoping he wouldnt ask why you were here.

“Now, what’s a good little lady like you doing all washed up on our shore hm? Are you lost? Stuck? Oh- oh ho ho!!!” He began chuckling and smiling all along. “Did the mean wittle villain kids leave their least favorite friend behind to rot on an island with no one but herse-“

“ENOUGH!” You yelled cutting him off by surprise but not long enough for him to smirk realizing he had gotten to you. “I chose to stay, no one left me, you can stop bothering me now.”

“Oh come on love, no one chooses to stay on this dreadful place, not even I wish to stay here, only madmen and witches. If you did so desperately wish to stay what was the reason? Did ya miss me?” He asked with a cheeky wink at the end.

You rolled your eyes and thought of a quick, untruthful, reply.

“I just wanted to know what it felt like… to fend for myself, to steal, to not be good for once. It’s not to much to ask for!” You began realizing your answer may not have been the best and quickly changing the topic. “Anyway what you did you say about even you wanting to leave?”

“Ah its true lassie, not even the most handsome devil on this island wishes to stay…” he took a seat on a barrel nearby, you taking up room next to him on some crates, listening to him begin to speak. “I wish to go to a place, I don’t expect you to know. Tis a place I come from. My sisters are there and my father, the one I am sure to make proud. I miss them… they were lucky to make it to the unreachable land were as me, I was too slow and got put here. I dream about the beautiful island everyday, a place I’d rather be with my mates and my family just chillin happily. Ah yes, what a glorious place it is… Neverland.”

You choked once hearing the last word… “Neverland”. No not Neverland. You wished to never think of that place again. You wished you’d never have to go back. You couldn’t. You wouldn’t.

“Only thing not too glorious about Neverland is Pan” he mumbled clearly annoyed with the thought.

“N-never. Never mention that name to me. I never want to hear of that man again, got it?” You snapped.

Hook smirked, “Finally someone who hates him as much as my family does! Welcome to the club lass! Whaddya hate em for?”

You didn’t respond. Rather than listen to Hook babble more about his “dream island” you began to think long and hard. You were tired of waiting for rescuers who were sure to never come. You needed off the island now, and you now had a better chance because you had something you didn’t have before. You had a useful persons motive.

Cutting the pirate of you stood up right in front of his sitting figure, gaining his attention and, looking dead into his serious eyes.

“Hook,” You began, “I have an idea and just hear me out. We both really want off this island for different motives but our goal is the same. To just get off the island. If you show me a way to get off the island I promise I’ll take you to Auradon and get you a way back to Neverland.” The last words leaving your mouth left a sour taste… you couldn’t go back to never land you couldn’t…

Hook was not the least to say intrigued at the idea you were proposing and didn’t know what to think. He really wanted out of this gosh darn smelly town but he didn’t know if he could trust you, yet something told him he could.

“How do I know I can trust ye?” He asked raising an eyebrow.

You paused for a second before responding with a smirk.

“You’ll just have to trust me and find out. Deal?” You said sticking your hand out towards him to shake.

He smiled for once, not a smirk but a genuine soft smile and took your hand sending tingles all over your body.

“Deal”

~~~~~~~~~~~

You arrived at what seemed to be like one of the far corners of the isle. A cliff that lead to a straight drop into the murky green water and the bright yellow barrier ahead. Straight across you could see a small rift in the barrier, a part that never seemed to have closed when they locked everyone up here. The hole was too small for even a human infant to fit through but barely big enough to fit a small rabbit.

“That’s our ticket,” Harry whispered behind you sending shivers down once again, man he really loved doing that.

“I’ve known about this hole for ages but never been able to get through it, no one has. It’s just there… taunting us and all we can do is stare at it.” He stated looking at the small tear coldly. You studied more of the surrounding and found out something amazing. The ocean water in the isle never listened to your call despite being friends with the ocean, it was like this water was hypnotized or poisoned. But the water just outside the hole was still blue and filled with life… what if…

“I can get us through,” you said to Harry. “Just umm…” you trailed off looking around. You grabbed him by the arm and sat him on a wooden fence not that far from the cliff. He seemed amused watching you walk back to the edge with excitement. As you reached the side you could feel his wandering eyes on you and just picture his evil smirk.

“YOU KNOW IT DOESNT HELP WHEN I CAN FEEL YOU STARING AT ME!!!” You yelled back at him not even turning around to know.

“Well excuuuuseee meee princess!” He said sarcastically with another huge smirk knowing he had gotten to you again and turning to face the other side of the fence.

You began to feel more calm and at peace. You took a deep breath and tried what had always worked before, you began to sing.

“I’m the girl who loves my island I’m the girl who loves the sea It calls me”

Harry rolled his eyes seeing as it was clearly no time for karaoke. He began to open his mouth to speak for you to knock off the foolishness but stopped as he felt the passion in your beautiful voice grow stronger.

“I am the grandaughter of the village chief We are descended from voyagers Who found their way across the world They call me”

You began to look out onto the horizon and sure enough the ocean seemed to be moving but as you had remembered! Your friend was listening to your pleas!

“I’ve delivered us to where we are I have journeyed farther I am everything I’ve learned and more Still it calls me”

You began to feel a smile creep on more and more on to your face as you watched the ocean rise higher and higher to greet you. Harry not being able to stand not knowing what was going on turned around to witness a giant mass of water squeezing through the rift in the barrier and reaching up to your forehead as if to give you a kiss. To say he was baffled was an understatement.

“And the call isn’t out there at all, it’s inside me It’s like the tide; always falling and rising”

You witnessed your great grandmother, a beautiful spirit Manta Ray leap into the air and splash into the water. You were filled with so much passion and determination tears began to brim your eyes.

“I will carry you here in my heart you’ll remind me That come what may I know the way I am Y/N!!!!”

With the last words you sang, you began to walk backwards a reasonable amount preparing to do the unthinkable. It took Harry less than a second to realize what you were about to do. Oh no, a fall from this height was certain death, there was no way.

Harry reached out to grab your arm but barely missed as you had already sprinted off the cliff and into the waters down below making a huge splash into the mass of crystal clear waves that were still floating.

You began to laugh happily, content to be with an old friend again. After what felt like ages to Harry and seconds to you the ocean hoisted you back up onto the cliff just enough for you to reach your hand out to Harry.

“Let’s go home.” You smiled at him extending your hand for him to grab. He reached out to grab your hand when a booming voice scared the three of you.

“HARRY!!!!” It screeched really loudly. You saw her surprised eyes and remembered instantly. How could you not… Uma.

The ocean immediately became frightened and set you down safely back onto the cliff with Harry, scattering it’s way back through the hole and far, far, away. However it wasn’t fast enough for Uma to notice you could have just found a way out for her.

“Well well well,” she began. “What do we have here? Little y/n! Daughter of the stupid ocean girl… blah blah blah. Grab her.” You suddenly were grabbed on both sides and couldn’t move. You tried struggling but nothing seemed to be able to break you free.

Uma began to circle you as she spoke. “Little poor y/n. Far away from her precious royal friends and even farther from her precious island! How cute! I’ve been rotting on this island for longer than you’ve been alive sweet pea and I was starting to lose all hope off getting off after that whole Mal and Ben fiasco. But now… now it seems fate has brought me something. You. And I’m not failing this time.”

Fear struck your heart listening to her speak “what are you going to do?” You asked. “Kill me?”

“Oh dear” she laughed maniacally. “Of course not… I wouldn’t dream of hurting you! Besides I still need you alive if I am to leave this wretched place, let’s just hope you’re really worth something.” She finished having gotten closer to your face and grabbing your mother’s flower from your hair.

No. You could feel the panic attack setting in. You needed the flower. It couldn’t leave you! It would protect you!

“UMA!” You begged and shouted. “PLEASE DONT TAKE IT FROM ME NO!!! PLEASE!!!! IT WAS MY MOTHERS YOU DONT KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO ME!! GIVE IT BACK PLEASE PLEASE!!!” You screeched, sounding like you were calling for bloody murder. The sobs became harder and the panic began to set in all the while pleas and begs leaving your mouth.

“You’re so cute when you beg!” She laughed evilly. “Harry, lock her up.”

You turned to look at Harry, your bloodshot eyes and sobs escaping your mouth directed right at him. Harry didn’t know why but he could feel his heart break and it broke even more when he heard the next words leave your mouth.

“t-traitor! TRAITOR!!!!!” You screamed. “I TRUSTED YOU! GIVE IT BACK PLEASE I CANT BE WITHOUT IT PLEASE!!! I HATE YOU TRAITOR!!!!” You cried all the way to your cell, Harry having to cover his ears with his hands and his heart with a mask.

[vcngttpt-a]

ALL OF THEM. @mun meme ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

@deceptivetreat || mun q&a                      

                            ━━━━━━━━━▼━━━━━━━━━

||you are. the bane. of my existence. 

☯ Is there a muse you’ve always wanted to play?

hmm ig i’ll go with canon for this one because i have many ocs, but uh i really wanna write for seto from fragile dreams. i used to have an ask blog for him back in the day but that died quickly seeing as how dead the fandom is so- but i do love him with all my heart and i would love to be able to someday write him or something

♣ Is there an author(s) that you look up to with your writing skills?

rick riordan, marissa meyer and michelle rowen. i’ve read their books throughout middle school and high school and i still find myself going back to reread their books because i just love how their words flow as well as how engaging their plots are. i honestly hope i can reach rick riordan levels of skill whenever i get around to finishing my own novel!

♧ Is there an RP partner(s) that you credit for becoming a better writer?

one would have to be an old rp friend that we sadly don’t talk to anymore since she was the first one i started writing with a lot more back in high school as well as the one who would give me advice on how to improve and just be patient with me when i go stuck with writing our threads and also mikey (@snw-cnvs) since he also supports me outside of rp’ing to get me to write actually fiction drabbles. i just wish i could finish them lmao

♥ What’s your favorite ship with your muse?

all of my ships with mikey no i’m joking lolol i really love my ship with haneul because i’ve had him for two years now and he’s grown a lot because of his ship. he’s someone whose never believed that love was real and sure their relationship is a little rocky, but they both don’t really have the proper understanding for love until waaaay later. i also really love how whenever he’s with obe, he’s able to pull out this different side of haneul, someone whose so overconfident and quick to words, becomes at a loss for words and questioning himself a lot. i just love them best otp 

♡ Would you ever write a poly ship?

sure, i’d be down for it as long as our muses have the right chemistry as well as if i know both muns pretty well and if they’re also comfortable with it.

♦ What’s an AU that you’ve always wanted?

answered

♢ What’s an AU that you think just won’t work with your muse?

any au that causes too much of a shift in my muses’ personality. i’m usually willing to try any au but if it becomes too much that my muse basically becomes a different person i don’t like it. 

♔ What’s your opinion on teacher/student verses? Do you have any of these as threads?

eeeeh i dont really care, but i work at a school so the thought makes me like uncomfy because i don’t wanna think about work lolol but its also like fiction and i’m able to tell the difference between fiction and reality so yea. also no i don’t have any threads like that

♕ Do you like magic!anons? Why or why not?

not really. it became too much of a thing to deal with back in the day. i just like the simple things

⚜ What is the best time to write for you? Why?

nighttime because i’m fuckin nocturnal even tho i have a day job rip my sleep schedule and ever growing eye bags

★ What type of historical AU would you like to do one day?

Victorian era, or the prohibition era don’t ask me why i like them i don’t even know myself i just know i wouldn’t mind

☆ What type of fantasy AU would you like to do one day?

all of them. i’m a huge slut for fantasy in general. its one of the best things i love the most. 

☄ Do you think your muse would have liked going to high school sports games? Do you or did you go to high school sports games?

haneul: no, he’s not into those things, but also he was home schooled until he went to college

eiji: he used to play soccer in high school so yea

reese: do magic tournaments count? cause if so then yes

sage: no, i was the loser who hung out at the library with friends to sit around and read books and manga 

☾ Do you like writing smut? Why or why not?

okay, if it wasn’t obvious i used to rp back in middle school through high school and on tumblr and i have done my fair share of the sin once i turned 18. nowadays i’m pretty much like eh, but ig i could try again if the need arises, but it also depends on my mood ig? i’d have to write it with someone i’m completely comfortable writing with but also even then it’s gotten to the point i’m more like ig we can just fade to black yea? 

tbh i feel i got all the urges to write sin outta me when i was on my old en blog lmao i had so many smut threads on there i’m ashamed 

☽ Do you like writing angst? Why or why not?

yes god i love being able to break my muses because it’s so fun. like yea it also hurts because that’s my kid i’m hurting but i’m okay with that. it’s just something that adds realness to them because the world sure as fuck ain’t rainbow and sunshine

☼ What’s an FC that you’re dying to use? Why?

i have these icons that i squirreled away for awhile now and i really wanna use them but my brain is too dead to figure out who he could work for. like he was my first thought for reese but he didn’t really give off the right reese vibes so maybe i’ll dig around my oc bin and see who looks the closest to him 

or i cave and just make a brand new oc for him

☀ What’s an FC that you desperately want to play with? Why?

i’m not really picky about what fc write with tbh 

☁ What’s an FC that you refuse to play with? Why?

not really refuse to play - more like i’m eh with. if only because en used to be my main chara for a long time like, i was so deep into the magical boy lore that a good chunk of my headcanons became canon. but also it just…leaves a bad taste in my mouth even more so since the drama that happened in that fandom left me filled with fear and hesitance to rp for a good chunk like before. it just brings back bad memories and i thought i was moving past it when i was thinking about using him for reese but alas. some memories don’t leave

maybe one day i’ll either get to write en again or i can use his face as fc but we’ll see

☂ How does your muse spend a rainy day? How do you spend a rainy day?

haneul: he loves the rain and he’ll spend it either under an umbrella or just sitting there in the rain just letting it wash away his thoughts and fears for a little bit 

eiji: he’d spend it indoors playing a video game or playing with seto

reese: he’d prob be dumb and splash in the puddles because he likes to enjoy the little things. other times he’ll just ignore it and stay indoors either hanging with friends or studying and practicing his magic for his school’s next tournament 

sage: i like to spend it just lookin out my window with my kitty on my chest. i love the sound of it against the sidewalk and streets. 

☃ If your muse was cartoonized, what would their FC be? Why?

uh idk how to answer this tbh 

☺ What’s a character that you desperately want your muse to play with? Why?

toshi @ haneul *stares at @snw-cnvs* and also reese @ momo *stares at @deceptivetreat* but also i just want everyone to bother my boys i love them so much. 

☹ What’s a character that you refuse to play with? Why?

idk i’m pretty open for any character

☢ Are there any ships that you would like to write for one day? Any that you wouldn’t?

uh dunno. i’m open for any ships that have the right chemistry tbh just not haneul since he’s already taken

☣ What’s one thing that will make you drop a thread?

useless drama and or if i can’t seem to figure out where the thread is going for our muses. like if they don’t clash well i don’t wanna give tryin to grasp at straws. but i’m always down to try again unless it ends up the same than welp

♨ What’s a muse that you wished had lasted, but didn’t?

aaaah my supernatural brothers!!! i love them so much but they didn’t last and i’m not sure if i’m goin to add them on here or leave them in the void. 

❀ Do you like reblog karma? Why or why not?

i’m gonna sound old but i don’t know what that is hold on. *googles* oh okay yea no. that seems like too much pressure to do and i have too much anxiety to do that i’m sorry. 

✿ Do you have a mun FC? If so why did you choose that as your FC, and if not who would you choose?

yes. because i have so many icons it’s not even funny, but also before i got my  hair cut she looked the most like me and also i thought it’d be fun to be able to tell the difference between me and my boys 

see, back in the day i was the loser who would make ooc posts that included my muses and it was easy to have mun fc so you could do that and it was a lot fun, but it’s somethin i won’t so nowadays.

♪♩♫ Does music inspire your muse? What’s one song on your playlist that reminds you of your muse?

haneul: mirror part II

any of weiss’ songs work for him tbvh

eiji: rpg

reese: havent found one that works for him yet, so come back later

✂ Do you like to format your posts? Why or why not?

yes it’s all for the aesthetic 

✆ Other than RPing, what’s a hobby of yours?

i love to write and draw. lmao sometimes i don’t write drafts so i can write more of my novel or little drabbles that’s for friends. 

✉ Do you RP on any other platforms?

nope

❤ Have you or are you currently in love?

answered

❥ Has something ever happened for you to hate a ship? Why?

uh nope can’t say there has been.

ツ Who has been your favorite muse to play so far? Why?

haneul, eiji, lifty and shifty, and en

han and eiji because they’re both my ocs and it’s so much fun to see them develop and grow their characters more. 

en because i was able to write a lot of different aus, headcanons, and just develop a canon character until he pretty much just became my own character

lifty and shifty were my roots. i started in the htf fandom and had so much fun writing those lil shits. it was just my go fuckin crazy shit. i still have their icons and their old blog is still up and i do kinda miss them some days.

回 Which muse was the worst to play? Why?

i used to have an oc named harley who was a living doll and i haha came to hate him because i made him around the same time i created haneul and i always loved haneul because i put a lot of effort into him and not much in harley and i got annoyed and jealous that back then everyone seemed to love harley more him. so i pretty much tossed him to the curve adfhsdkfjh

sorry harley but you were also hard to write because you were too sweet and cliche for me 

✘ People come in a group. If I were to look on your blog, who would I see you interacting with the most?

@snw-cnvs and @deceptivetreat

ღ Do you have a personal blog? Do you share it with your followers or do you keep it private?

nah i haven’t used tumblr in years until now. i do have one but i don’t use it so idc it’s called @shouyoutheworld but again i don’t use it it’s…v old

▼ Do you keep your character in character even if they are one of the worst people in the world?

yes. what’s the point of writing and creating said character if you’re gonna sugar coat them?

▽ Why did you create this muse?

haneul: i wanted an oc who was really jaded and brat. i wanted to see him grow into something more even if its difficult 

eiji: i pretty much wanted a muse that i could dump all my useless game infos on

reese: i wanted a witch oc who had a rival that they both hated their guts for and eventually fall in love I’M SO RR Y THAT’S REALLY WHY HE WAS MADE FORGIVE ME BUT NOW I DEVELOPED HIM A LOT MORE FOR RP’ING PURPOSES BUT Y’KN OW

[skiasurveys]

405.

Do you feel comfortable wearing tube tops? - Honestly  with the right outfit. But I prefer crop tops, since I am short waisted they usually only show a little bit of my belly lol

Has something someone said today annoyed you? Yeah my co worker lol

Do you like listening to new music, or just sticking to your favorites? I always like new music 

Did you ever feel that there was something you couldn’t tell anyone? - Yes there are a few things

Do you tend to gossip, even if you don’t mean it to cause harm? sometimes. sometimes im just trying to vent or rant.

When was the last time you were bitten by a bug? Omg, i domnt know tbh

Have you ever gotten your hair permed? Nah

Do you have a pair of sunglasses that are worth over $200? Yup, 500, but i got them on a discount cus my mom works for an eye doctor. I would never spend that much hahah unless i was super rich

Would you ever go on a trip to Europe? Yes. I want to

Are you brave when it comes to trying new foods? Nope.

When was the last time you saw your significant other? Right now. We live together.

Is there a friend that you can always go to for advice? Yes, usually sasha.

If you see a piano, are you tempted to go over and play a little something? Lol, no. 

Is there someone you know who bakes amazing sweets? Jennifer hahah

Are you ashamed of your singing voice? I guess? I just cant hit the notes lol

Has anyone teased you with the “K-I-S-S-I-N-G” song? when i was a kid

Have you ever had a dream where you could understand a foreign language? Nope..lol

What time is it where you are? 8:45 PM

Do you have anything important to do tomorrow? Just work tomorrow 

Have you ever owned a beanbag chair? no i want one though.

If you own a laptop, do you have a case for it? Yes and I have a backpack thats meant for caring around electronics

What was the last movie you purchased on DVD? No idea, I dont buy DVDs anymore

Are you a fan of retro things? Yaaas.

Do you do your own laundry? Yeah, lol I hate it.

Have you ever used pastels? They’re fun 

Is there a song you’re listening to at the moment? Nah, I hardly listen to music when I do surveys tbh

Have you ever been in possession of a hundred dollar bill? Yes haha

Is there one food you cannot give up, even though you know it’s unhealthy? Mcnuggets

Will you bother having a party for your next birthday? Idk. This year I didnt do one, so who knows.

If you’re with someone right now, do you think it will last? I hope it does.

What was the last movie that was unable to capture your interest? IDk. 

Have you heard of the Irish actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers? No.

Do you have something to do, that you would rather not do? my job

Are you, in any way, feeling hopeless right now? Kinda

Is there someone you just need to call and talk to? Maybe not call.. 

Are you one of those people who can eat anything and not gain a pound? -Kind of? My eating habits are bad but i dont rly gain but i dont lose weight hgahaha

Are your nails painted at the moment? I wish :(

Is there a song you’ve been listening to lately on repeat? Not rly.

Do you know who you’re planning to ask to your grad prom? I graduated 5 years ago haha

When was the last time you went shopping? a while ago.

Is there anyone who did something absolutely hilarious today? - Nope.

Are you having one of those days where you feel unattractive? Not today 

Do you like hotdogs? sometimes i get these weird stages where i just love hot dogs for some reason lol

Do you ever get bored of your music collection and get new songs? Yeah sometimes I just need something new.

Have you ever bought a designer purse? Yes, Guess.

What’s the limit on how much you would pay for a shirt?

Depends on the shirt tbh.

Would you ever like to see the Walk of Fame? One day.

Have you been in any sort of physical pain today? a little.

Who were the last people you hung out with? My boyfriend

Has someone ever called you “obnoxious”? of course

Most commonly, do you obey rules, or break them? I obey, always hahaha

Do you like making funny faces in pictures? I usually like to take a good one and a funny pic

Is there something you look back on and go “I can’t believe I did that”? Yep

Are you good at offering advice? I feel like I am

When was the last time you had to resort to a map? not a physical one but google maps lol

Your significant other: have you told them you love them lately? Last night I did.

What was the last thing to confuse you? just work stuff

How many different colors have you dyed your hair? Dark brown, blonde streaks ( cringe), redish, red orange brown ombre (fire ombre), blonde, purple tips

Do you know someone who always spells “bored” like “board”? hahahaha yes.

Are you wearing make up right now? yes, that reminds me to clean it off lol

Is there a phrase that you use a lot? "you know”

Are you old enough to vote? yes

Do you have a favorite pair of earrings? I dont have my ears pierced. 

Are you a fan of Keira Knightley? Not a fan tbh but I dont dislike her? 

Have you ever resorted to alcohol to make you feel better? hahahah yes

Are you aware of the significance of the date April 14th, 1912?Titanic...?

Do you ever just lay back and watch the stars?

I do when its warm

Lately have you had much time to relax? nah

Did anything important/changing happen to you in March 2019? Not really in march.

Have you ever felt like a “new person”? yes.

Do you own any expensive jewelry? my rings 

Has there been someone in your life that just wouldn’t leave you alone? Yes, but i got rid of them hahaha

Do you hate to use public bathrooms? Usually but if i have to go, i go.

Would you consider yourself to be loyal? almost too much

Do you find most remixes of songs to be good or bad? depends on the song! some dont need it, some make them cool and unique.

[demyrie]

I'm curious but why did you delete JAM? It was one of my favorite JxD fics and I never got to finish reading it.

ahhhh oh dear, yeah, that happened.

So, for everyone arriving, I wrote a fic called Just Another Mission for the Jak and Daxter game series, and Jak/Daxter pairing. Yes, the green haired elf protag with the fuzzy orange thing, which btw used to be a human and was a human in fic. I think I started it when I was maybe 14 (yikes omg) and a few years ago, I deleted it, and I don’t delete fics.

Rant and personal history ahead, but tldr; i deleted this particular fic because:

1) I became more and more uncomfortable with the way I’d treated certain characters without giving them respect or resolution (throwing around things like domestic abuse while being too young to properly understand What I Was Doing or How to Answer Very Triggered Friends Who Had the Misfortune of Reading This I’m So Goddamn Sorry, as well as falling into that Not Like Other Girls slash fan ditch of treating female characters like shit/obstacles to the main pairing WHICH IS JUST ******) as well as personally uncomfortable portrayals of obsession and taking advantage of people that turn my stomach to this day (see reason 4)

2) i got way in over my head with my own writing/style which was so obtuse and self-indulgent that I felt a great amount of shame over it, including the attention it had gotten, and the way it went to my head and turned me into an egotistic little shit. I was an asshole peacock and I regret it. There was a break where I got waylaid before the final confrontation in the fic (see reason 4, also a very bad time to get held up in any narrative) and when I returned to the story, i nearly cried because it was such a mess and I didn’t know what I was saying anymore. Finishing it was a struggle and I even remember one JnD fan friend being like “hey this chapter seemed really curt??? short?? not like you” and I was like YEAH THATS NOT ME ANYMORE god i hope

3) there was a sort of ... anti-JxD surge in my little pool from people I really respected and it made me think i was doing something wrong even just remembering it, so I cut off that memory.

4) it coincided with two ugly relationships in my life that marred it, and I just wanted it gone for my own mental health.

So anon, I’m very sorry that you never got to finish it. I had good intentions in mind and gave them a happy ending where they realized they loved each other, even if the journey there was difficult. 

It both touched me and broke a piece of my heart when someone came to me years ago and asked me why I had deleted it, saying the story had given them the courage to come out as gay to their family. In that moment, overwhelmed with how ProblematicTM the whole story was, I was really struck with just ... how subjective our world experience is, and how so many things can mean so many different things to every single soul and how terrifyingly VALID peoples experiences are, no matter how they come by them. We’re all so unique and convoluted, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure -- and one man’s trigger is another man’s key to Becoming. But no matter how inspiring, I couldn’t bring myself to repost it. 

Hopefully this will be the only fic i ever delete with relish. Jak and Daxter will always be a good memory for me, regardless. Thanks for the ask, anon.

(even more) personal stuff below the cut. tw for stalking, harassment, manipulation and emotional abuse.

So.

Im a firm believer in stories living beyond their authors (something that JK rowling doesnt seem to understand iykwim). I don’t normally delete past works, because while I wrote them, I also know that they’ve outgrown me as most narratives do: people are absolutely allowed to enjoy what they want to or need to, not just because I think said thing is reflective of my current work or jives with my current stage of life. 

However, JAM was a particular Thing that Had to Go.

The timeline is hella fuzzy to me because I’ve blocked a lot of it out, but I was coming out of middle school and struggling with my mental health. On the real life side, I was stuck in a situation with a close friend of mine who was very fixated on us being in a relationship and the pining was loud enough to hear from the other side of the country. Wounded people pleaser that I was, I flipped (exhaustingly) back and forth between “i dont like you like that” and “but I want you to be happy so what if I tried liking you like that?” and there was massive amounts of hidden hurt and resentment and tension and abandonment complex activation and just ... a strangling of anything that made our friendship good for either of us. 

Also she was a she. So. Yannoe, gay is difficult.

This definitely burnt me out on the “best friends pining” trope and is probably legit the ONLY reason I’m not equally in the erasermic and erasermight camp haha. That trope feels claustrophobic and draining to me, so I leave it for others to enjoy.

It also coincided with a married 45yo adult man luring me into a “platonic, ecstatic, boundary-breaking, you-are-my-beautiful-young-muse, words cannot express how much I love you” creative type relationship that inevitably turned possessive, domineering and manipulative. Within the bounds of the Renaissance Faire community, I thought he was a safe person and he was not, and his constant reassurance that I wasn’t like other women my age was absolutely hypnotizing to a undeveloped soul who really, really wanted to be special.

We traded poetry and tarot card readings over email. He bought me manga and shared stories about his time overseas and in the service. He made me props to go with my renaissance faire character and showed me where to find cheap leather so I could piece things together myself.

He also stalked me and owned me for the better part of a year and I only realized it once he started harassing a dear friend of mine overseas, whom I was visiting, about a package that he’d sent, which apparently he’d covered in original poetry to let me know how much he loved me But Not In a Hetero or Sexual Way Bro, so of course he didn’t want it to get lost in the postal system. So what is he going to do? Note my friend twice a day asking if its arrived until she inevitably, tearfully spills that this guy is stressing her out and who is he anyway?

My horrible secret was out, which only sounded horrible when I explained it to someone else. I realized this man was trying to follow me wherever i went and I got so fucking angry that he was messing with my friend that I had to stop it.

(He called me a cunt when I broke it off with him on the phone in the dark on the floor of my bedroom in the middle of the night so my parents wouldn’t hear, then sobbed and said he was sorry. I was so dissociated from the rush of anger and helplessness that it took for me to actually MAKE the call that all I could do was wiggle my foot and watch it in the reflection of the mirror on the back of my door, and think maybe I was a cunt but I wasn’t his cunt anymore. So there. 

Afterward I slammed my forehead into the mirror a few times to make sure I’d actually done it and it wasn’t a dream.)

During all of this, I was writing this stupid fic. I think. Honestly, I don’t fucking know, but I can’t think of it without thinking of him and how i was devoured.

The stress of hiding this “totally wonderful but NORMAL PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE!!!!” grooming shit from my parents was gutting me alive, and I was so far gone RE: worthiness/autonomy that I didn’t even consider why I BOTHERED diffusing his petulant accusations over notes on deviantArt again and again as he baited me into shit just to explode over how I didn’t love him and I figured out another way to soothe his engorged and tarry ego without explicitly lying that I loved him too. 

He made me regret my silver tongue and way with words as I used it to defend myself again and again, and crushed my love of writing. I would pace the neighborhood for almost an hour several times a week, claiming I was ‘exercising’ but really trying to understand why i felt so trapped, or where the lines between love and hate lay, or why I wanted to cry all the time, as i low key tried to get hit by a car just to force something to change in my life and jolt me out of his smothering, needy nightmare of constant texting and emails and notes. I couldn’t fucking flinch without him knowing about it, and asking me if I was okay. For this reason, I react very poorly to people fretting over me at length, and loudly. I get angry and feel violated, or just pinned to the floor by someone Performing their love on me with no real regard for my health.

This whole time, I was escaping into fandom. It probably saved my life, in one way or another, because I found friends who supported me and made me laugh in the JnD sphere. Especially the friend whose distress caused me to snap and realize This Couldn’t Continue.

This terrible man was the first one outside of my friend group that I showed my writing to, the first adult as well. It was on the dark side even then, but he said it was wonderful and amazing. He teased me for being stuck up in my authors notes on JAM (one of the reasons I’m just getting over ... talking ...) but said it inspired him to start writing as well. He used that writing to imagine hokey sprawling stories of him being a hot rod racer and me being his sexy girlfriend, Very Totally in Love. Why Couldn’t We have Just Met in a Different Lifetime??? not that its a relevant question for my young 16yo friend lol just something dreamers wonder lol lol here why don’t you take this traditional irish engagement ring aka claddagh i bought for you, lie to your parents and say I bought one for everyone in our renfaire group, and turn it toward your heart, to imply that you’re in love, so that I can keep your heart safe for you until you find a boyfriend?

FUCKER YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKER ok I’m done. Fuck.

JAM was a project of mine that spanned a year or two and is intrinsically tangled in those very bad relationships and very bad lessons. I deleted it because I needed to, for purely personal reasons beyond the fact that it was generally bombastic, over-long, tone-deaf and dealt with very serious issues poorly. Due to these experiences, you won’t catch me in a hot minute writing either best-friends-pining or heavy jealousy/possessiveness fic, but everyone else? Go crazy just tag your shit.

so. anyway. isn’t subjectivity actually terrifying? You never know what something can mean to someone else. So just ask, maybe.

Damn, son. Some fics you just can’t repost.

[mini-pretzel]

alright dude yea EVERY NUMBER FOR SWEETHEART ASKS

… what have i signed up for?

//cracks knuckles

grab a juice box, grab a snack.

we’ll be here for a while. what have i gotten myself into

1. Talk about your first love. 

oh jesus. i actually recently found my old journal lol

from way back when. 2009 i think? i was 13 or some shit. jesus. ok. so my first love was actually over the internet.

yeah, i know. nowadays we’re spoiled with tinder n shit, but back in 2009, all we had was myspace and msn and i met this fucker on skype.

i was so ahead of my time.

anyway, it was october 25, 2009.

here’s a snippet from my journal entry:

well i met a guy on skype. he’s a month younger cause my b-day is on oct 14 and his is on nov 18. but i don’t mind it.

yoooo i was into younger guys even at 13, jfc hahhaa //kill me jk hmu

and then on the next page hahahhaa omg

december 2, 2009

well me and ___ are no longer together. well we never began. he broke my heart two times already. going in depression. please don’t bother. first love, ha!

omfg damn, two months. yeah, that lasted long. also old me: ur so dramatic lol

also i was a feisty lil fella, jeez.

2. What’s the most beautiful songs you’ve ever heard in your opinion? 

this one

3. How’s your heart feeling right now?

a lil stressed. im like, hoping i can get through all of these questions without my computer crashing. pray 4 me.

4. What kind of self care is your favorite to do? 

ok, first thing to note, i fucking love self care. like, too much if im honest.

baths with bubbles and nice smelling scents, lotions, a face mask, taking my time with washing my face and hair and putting on the cutest clothes after. also snacks, always snacks.

when im feeling like spending money: massage. full body. best thing ever. i treat myself to it at least once a year for my b-day.

5. What’s your skincare routine? 

ok so i just got a new skincare line. it’s from nature republic. i have a cleanser, a toner and a moisturizer. it’s fairly simple (unlike 9 steps in korean ahhahha, but like i’ll probably get there in time) also i have a peel mask that smells like bananas that i put on twice a week to get rid of dead skin cells. oh and sometimes i do korean face masks, too.

6. How did you get to be so beautiful?

answered that q here

7. Do you have any stuffed animals?

NO! //hides them all away

8. Best trip you’ve ever been on?

thailand. my parents took me w/ them on their honeymoon.

lol idek why either. trust me.

i was just there for the swimming, riding elephants, getting food poisoning and downing two banana splits in one afternoon. good times.

9. Favorite thing about your room? 

i live in a jungle. but also in an art gallery cause my mom buys paintings online and resells them, but it’s become such a habit for her they are literally EVERYWHEREE I CANNOT.

also sorry mom i keep forgetting to water the GAZILLION plants THAT YOU HAVE MOVED INTO MY ROOM FOR SOME REASON. they’ll be dead by the time ur home. srry ilyyyyy.

also tae hmu if u want some paintings. i got way too many.

10. Opinion on love? 

dude. idk. i mean. it’s definitely not something one can describe easily or fully grasp.

im still waiting for my big love to come along, so like, we can talk about that when we get there.

otherwise, i’ll say this quote that i heard in a song:

give your heart, but keep your head.

11. Are you affectionate? 

with certain people. im weird.

with some people im like no, don’t touch me pls. i bite and scratch.

and with others you cannot get them out of my death love grip.

12. Who do you look up to? 

i look up to bts a lot. they’re doing a lot of good and they’re very respectable artists.

but i also look up to a lot of writers on here because i want to create worlds and writings like them. i won’t tag them cause rip them trying to find why i tagged them in this long ass post haha.

13. Favorite poet? 

@psycho-slytherin

lol sorry bae

ur gonna have to scroll to find out why i tagged u. and then go red and yell at me. hahah.

i also like silentium! by Fyodor Tyutchev

also everything by pushkin (esp ‘i loved you’ fuck that one gets me every time). seriously. that man isn’t called the golden poet in our country for nothing.

i actually don’t read a lot of poetry nowadays unless its my own or my friends’

but im open to recommendations

14. Song that makes you happy? How about one that calms you down when you’re in a bad place?

answered here!

15. Do you play an instrument?

lol no. i was almost taught the piano (lol rip me, i wanna kill my younger lazy ass self) and i dabbled into learning the violin. but that’s like a whole story and a half hahahaha.

16. Do you do art? Using what (pencil, watercolor, etc)?

i used to pencil draw, nothing special tho. a lot of naked ppl lol. butts n boobs were my fave. also pecks whoo.

17. Do you dance? What style of dance? 

i don’t! but i want to. i’ve been looking into dancing schools. i might do hip hop n stuff. see if i have the rhythm, i can’t tell from just jumping around my room lol

18. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in astrology? 

im a libra yo. diplomatic and indecisive af.

i kinda do? there’s some sense there, but it’s too vague. i think ppl need to look into their charts to really grasp their character.

and for some it may not be true at all, so like. idk. we’re all just doing our best here.

19. Favorite old film? 

a russian film that i always watch over the new year. my mom would always joke that the new year doesn’t start till we watch it lol

the irony of fate

20. What’s your hairstyle? 

idk

u

tell

me

21. What weather is the most beautiful, in your opinion?

cloudy but warm. so there’s not too much sun but u can enjoy a nice walk outside without getting rained on.

22. What upsets you most about the world? 

i only have two hands but there are so many cats and dogs. i cannot pet all of them.

23. Are you in love right now?

answered ;)

24. Do you have a crush? If so, talk about them!

here u go

25. Do you have pets? Talk about something sweet about them! 

i don’t! but i wish i did i would shower them with my love.

but @the-trth-untold dogs are the cutest and @psycho-slytherin cats make my day. pls spam meeeee. also i love @paristae cat too.

26. Do you have a lucky number? 

yup. 22.

27. Have you ever wished on a star? What about on a fallen eyelash? 

i’ve never seen a fallen star, so no.

but i’ve wished on a fallen eyelash, always.

28. Do you believe emoji spells to work? 

emoji spells??

bruh i’ve never even heard of it till this ask wtf is that shit

bruh i mean if it works for ppl all power to them??? idk i never tried it

29. Do you believe in magic in general? 

i believe in magic tricks. but magic died for me when santa stopped existing.

30. What’s the most beautiful thing in life, In your opinion?

here

31. Opinion on the color pink? What about baby blue? 

gorgeous colors. i quite like mauve pink and deep dark blue tho.

but baby blue looks amazing on some folks. oof.

32. What instrumental sound is your favorite? 

piano. always.

33. Do you like the sound of wind? What about the sound of rain? 

answered :)

34. Who makes you happy? 

bts and all of my mutuals

35. What makes you happy? 

sleep, food, music, writing, cuddles. and forehead kisses.

also more listed here

36. Imagine your ideal life, the life you wish to make, what will that look like? 

i live in a nice apartment. doesn’t have to be expensive, just nice and clean with wooden floors and spacious windows.

i have all the necessities that i need and im never lonely.

i have also touched countless hearts by my books and am able to live comfortably just from my works.

haha. you said ideal, right?

also have someone to spend it with. someone i’d write poetry about daily. a bestfriend first and foremost before a lover.

37. Do you wear makeup? If so what’s your favorite type of makeup or specific makeup product? Favorite store to buy makeup?

answered this fella here

38. Do you wear dresses? If so what’s your favorite dress you own? 

i used to have dresses. but not anymore.

i liked the long sleeve sweater black one i had with a low cut. it was gorgeous. i dont have much of boobage but i always felt like i was sexy in it.

39. Ever been heartbroken? How do you deal with it? 

yep. you just kind of take it one day at a time. some days will be better than the last. some days you’ll cry a little harder and some days you move on a little further. it takes time. make sure you have good people around you so you don’t fall into depression.

40. Who’s your closest friend? What do you love about them? 

ah, to be honest i don’t have a closest friend. i’ve always been the kind of person that always had friends around her but never anyone too deep. and i kinda wish i did. i just don’t know who would come to fill that spot. people always leave, so i kind of gave up assigning that spot. i think the people that want to be in that spot will show themselves and tell me. otherwise i will not assume or assign.

41. Introvert or extrovert? 

introvert. but i have my moments. i can be charming and friendly when i want to.

42. Do you like MBTI? What’s your MBTI? 

i had to look it up cause i forgot what it was lol

i took the test a while back: im infp.

there’s not a lot of us, apparently. which is cool. shout out to all infps out there!

43. Would you be a fairy, a mermaid, a vampire, a siren, or an angel? 

hmmm. what kind of fairy tho? lol

maybe vampire? idk i’d be a sexy immortal lady that’d bite innocent boys and girls that just want to have a good time lol

44. What’s the best song a friend has ever introduced to you? 

this oneee

45. Parlez-vous français? 

no~

46. Most beautiful place you’ve been to? 

butchart gardens

47. Where/when do you truly feel at home? 

here

48. Does smiling put you in a better mood? Try it right now, you’re smile is gorgeous! 

kdjfalkfjdlkdsaf //hides

this ask is flirting with me…

well that’s as much action as im going to get this new years eve lol

49. Favorite shoe you own?

my sweet rose gold kicks, yo.

50. Can you walk in stilettos? Do you like them? 

lol no. i cannot. and i do not. im not made for heels. im tall enough as it is.

51. Do you feel loved? 

every time i talk to my mutuals yes //cry

52. How do you express love to those you care about? 

by saying cute words and by clinging to them like a koala.

53. Favorite term(s) of endearment? 

sweetheart, dear, idk im just like anything honestly. love, baby. go crazy.

i also love mean terms like idiot and stuff. or nicknames that hold inside jokes, something between the two of you only.

54. Most romantic thing someone’s ever done for you? 

hasn’t happened yet. so yeah. any takers? lol

55. When is the happiest you’ve ever been? 

reading a good book for the first time. or just experiencing something new that i end up loving for the first time. nothing can replace that first feeling.

56. Are you happy right now? 

happy im almost done hahhahahahaa. ha.

no but srsly i am

57. What makes you smile? 

stupid jokes. puns. someone laughing and showing themselves fully.

58. Do you laugh a lot? 

i mean. i think so? i try. i make jokes a lot and laugh at myself if that counts?

59. What’s your favorite kind of aesthetic? 

ughhhh comfy bf aestheticcc

60. Do you want to marry for love or for some other reason (like money)? 

i have a sour view on marriage. so only if i love someone hard enough. but even then i don’t know if i’ll do it. it hurts too much to think about marriage and wedding rings for me.

61. What would your dream wedding look like? Do you want to get married? 

see above.

62. Favorite flower?

orchid.

63. Favorite artist?

claude monet.

64. Favorite music artist?

bts lol

no surprises there.

65. How kind do you think you are? Is kindness important to you? 

its not something for me to decide. i try to be kind to everyone, but how it is interpreted is different for everyone. i’d like to think i’m kind.

and yes, very important. especially being kind to yourself.

66. Ever made a playlist for someone? 

yes i have. i love making playlists for people. i don’t get asked that enough.

67. Do you have anything you do to physically comfort you when your sad? Such as a favorite blanket? Or a relaxing bath? 

music. music always helps. and tea.

ideally i’d love for someone to massage my scalp, but hahah no one’s been able to do it the right way. when it’s done right i melt and forget about everything.

68. Early bird or night owl? 

night owl.

moonchild, lol

69. Morning routine? 

wake up, look in the mirror, look away from the mirror, go back to bed.

70. Night routine? 

SHOWER N NICE SMELLING LOTIONS. AND SKINCAREEEEEE OOOOF.

also fresh sheets.

71. What is the most lovely quality a person could have in your opinion? 

answered here

72. Do you cry often? Does crying help you get the emotions out? Do you feel better after? 

i only cry when i watch or read something. and it does help. i always feel better after. but i tend to keep my emotions hidden away, the negative ones at least.

73. Do you like hugs? 

i love hugs. come hug me, bro.

u must smell nice tho.

74. When was the last time you kissed someone?

august.

75. Are you small or tall? 

tall. 175cm.

76. Do you like wholesome memes? 

answered

77. Favorite thing about the past? 

cd players. chia pet commercials. flip phones. mom jeans.

78. Do you ever wonder about the future? 

all the time. esp mine. i have no idea what the fuck im doing.

79. Have you ever lived in a different country than you currently live in? 

yep. i’ve lived in america and canada before. and traveled a lot.

80. Do you like plane flights? Airports? 

i don’t mind flying. and depends on the airport. some are better than others.

81. Sunrises or sunsets? 

sunrises. every day is a new day~

82. The beach or a forest? 

bitch- i mean beach. :)

83. What time of day do you tend to be in the best mood? 

any time i am eating. or sleeping. or reading.

im so close to being done omg. this is fun tho.

84. Do you push yourself to act together and in a good mood even when you aren’t? 

always. ain’t nobody gonna deal with that baggage lol

85. Favorite kind of tree? 

japanese maple tree

86. Do you care about the health of the Earth? 

i mean i don’t even care about my health that much tbh, i need to work on that.

87. What did you like most about your childhood, if anything? 

that i got to travel and learned english very young.

88. Do you read a lot? What’s your favorite book? 

answered here

89. What are you most nostalgic for at the moment? 

old school disney

90. What’s your favorite personality trait you have? 

answered this bad boi here

91. List at least ONE thing you love about your appearance. 

eyes. have to work on my ass tho. squats baby.

92. When was the last time you truly felt calm, without much of anything to worry about? 

after a massage.

93. Do you worry a lot? 

eh, i worry enough, i suppose. there’s just some stuff you can’t control.

94. The dazzling lights of the city or the relaxing countryside?

dazzling lights of the city. especially in the evening. and in the winter. ahhhhh. someone hold my hand and walk with meeeeee.

95. Ever changed the shoelaces on one of your shoes? For what reason? 

no i haven’t had that pleasure, lol

maybe next year

96. Favorite pastry? 

BUTTER. CROISSANT.

97. Do you like doing little acts of kindness? 

yes. uwu

98. How’s your day/night going? 

well im finally done with this ask holy shit, and i need to resume writing my namjoon fic so… fantastic. i also have noodles. whoooo.

thank you for reading this whole damn mess of an ask.

ily

[wirakor-blog]

Chapter 2: The Nest

After I explained what was going on, most of them seemed like they regretted volunteering, but Warren and Ingrid seemed a little too excited about it. In my car was Larry, Tommy, Ingrid and Henry, the other car had Alex, Ryan, Karen, Warren, Gus and Mike. This nest that Celestine pointed out was about 35 miles north of our base, the ride there was pretty smooth, nothing to much to worry about. As we approached we noticed that there were a lot of Wirakor. More than we have ever seen in one group.

“Alright guys, Henry, Karen and Mike, take the fire crackers and go distract them, please. Be careful. Larry, Warren, Tommy and Alex, help me carry the explosives to the nest. Ingrid and Gus watch our 6, and Ryan, stay back and watch for other people, or if things go south, take the car back and tell them what happened. Everyone understand?”

“Yes sir.” Larry jokingly says

“Understood.” Tommy said barely audible.

“Loud and Clear.” Ingrid said with a smirk, I couldnt tell if she was mocking me or just excited.

The others nodded.

“Good, then move out.”

We waited for the sound of the firecrackers.

Pop Pop Pop

We hurried over to the nest as we see them all run towards that direction. I turned around to see if I could find them, the three made it back to Ryan safely. The smell of the nest was horrid and it felt as if it were burning my lungs. Inside was even worse, the floor was covered in this sticky substance that was hard to walk on. There was something in the middle of the building, it looked like a beating heart, so thats where we decided to place the explosives. As we are planting the explosives Gus leans in and whispers.

“I see one walking back, you better hurry up.”

I looked up to see and I was sure it had spotted us, it felt like I made eye contact with it. He screeched the others came running towards us.

“Fuck! Ingrid have them start the cars. Hurry the fuck up and plant these quicker.”

Panicking, I knew what had to be done.

“Go back to the car!”

“Davey, we arent leaving you!”

“Damnit Larry, thats a fucking order! Id rather die alone then bring you all down. Go now!”

“Fuck your orders, I am not leaving you behind.”

“Fine! The rest of you, leave now!”

While the others followed my orders, Gus stayed back, trying to by us time. Its like he didnt even hear what I said, he didnt even think about leaving. There was no more time to be wasted. They had entered the building. I lit the fuse and we all ran.

“Ah! Fuck!”

I turned around and saw Gus on the ground. I ran back as fast as I could, but it was too late. The bastards had gotten him, the screams that Gus let out were terrifying.

“Im sorry Gus…”

But it was too late, he didnt hear me, he was already gone. They started running towards me again.

“Davey! Lets go or youll end up like him!”

Before I reached the car the bomb went off. We didnt realize how big the explosion would be and I went flying. I dont remember after that. All I know is I woke up in the hospital bed. Celestine, Larry and Melissa, the nurse, were all beside me. I jumped up and immediately regretted it as pain shot through my body. Celeste jumped out of her seat and pushed me back down.

“Oh thank god youre okay…”

Larry walks over

“I was worried about you brother, one hell of an explosion.”

“How long was I out for?”

Melissa, with hesitation,

“Um, almost a week…”

“What? Are you serious? Did everyone else make it back?”

Melissa nods.

“Yeah, everyone but Gus.” Larry almost choked up. Gus was one of his close friends as well.

Celestine looking sharply at the nurse and Larry

“Could you give us a minute?”

They both nodded and left. She slaps me across the face.

“Ow! Fuck was that for?”

“Scaring me. I almost lost my best man out there. But good news, I sent the scouts back out and the nest is completely gone, the whole building was brought down. Not a single Wirakor in that area. The plan fucking worked.”

“Good. Gus didnt die for nothing.”

“We are currently trying to locate more. I think we finally figured out how to kill them effectively, and in big numbers.” Celeste said with a huge smile.

“Yeah, I just hope we dont have to lose more men like that. His screams, they were unbearable to hear.” I said sitting up, with each slow movement being painful and taking the breath out of me more and more.

“Dave, you know what its like out there. It breaks my heart to say it, but we will lose more people. But I think they are okay with it knowing that the Wirakor numbers would go down this drastically.”

She gets even closer and hugs me. I gasp in pain as she tightens the hug a bit more.

“Please. Dont scare me again like that.” She gets off and walks out telling them to come back in.

I wont lie, I was kind of hoping for another kiss, perhaps another time. Larry and Melissa come back in.

��So, you smash yet?” Larry whispered in my ear.

“Its not like that, she just…” Larry cutting me off just like Celeste.

“Bro, she is totally into you. You should feel honored haha.”

“Maybe. I dont know, you mind getting me some water?”

“Sure.” He walks out of the room.

“Melissa, you got anything for this pain?”

“This should help.”

She sticks a needle into my arm, there is this green liquid in the syringe.

“What is that?”

“Its a drug that numbs the nerve endings, reducing your pain. You should be good to go tomorrow morning.”

“Thank you so much. You too Larry.” He hands me the glass of water.

“Ill see you around, I gotta go for a quick run.”

“Be careful out there.”

I lay back down in my bed. She was right, the pain is basically gone. That stuff is wonders.

I woke up, the pain isnt as bad, but before leaving I get another dose. I walk out to the main lobby and everyone starts cheering and thanking me and welcoming me back. I grab a plate of food and sit down. Eating was a pain in the ass as well. My whole body was aching. Celeste was waiting in my room.

“Hey Dave. Can we talk?” she seemed really nervous.

“Yeah, everything alright?”

“Its Larry. He hasnt returned since he left and he lied to me, said he was bringing a group. He left by himself.”

“Hell is his problem? He knows whats out there. Why would he just…” I trailed off.

“Celeste. I know where he is going.”

“What? How?” she seemed a little pissed.

“Well… I didnt want to say anything yet. But Larry and I, we planned to leave for a while. Go to America, see if we could find out families. Bring them back. And I am assuming he has to be going to the docks. He probably found a boat. Although I cant say the reason. We were supposed to go together.”

“What the fuck dave? When were you gonna tell me? Huh? I mean whats your problem? Just gonna leave? Were you even going to tell me?” She walks over and slaps me again. Im still weak and I stumble.

“Of course I was going to! Just not yet, we didnt plan on going soon.”

“I cant fucking believe this.” She isnt even looking at me anymore.

“Celeste…”

“Stop it.”

“Celeste. Would you want to help us?”

She looks at me, staring sharply.

“I have a faction to run. I cant leave. But I wont stop you. And if you do leave. Dont bother coming back.” She slams the door.

“Fuck!”

I slammed my desk, and once again immediately regret it as pain went through my body. I started packing my belongings and headed to see Celeste before heading out.

Knock Knock

“Who is it?”

“David.”

“Go away asshole!”

“I just wanted to say goodbye. Im leaving now.”

“Like that? All in pain?”

“Well yeah, Larry didnt really give me a choice.”

“Hold on.”

I wait outside her room. She comes out geared up.

“I wont go to America, but ill take you to the docs.”

So we leave the bunker and start our long journey to the docs.

[exactlywhoyouthinkiwas-blog]

[2/27/2015 6:53:38 PM] Evan: so... [2/27/2015 6:53:39 PM] Evan: sup [2/27/2015 6:57:27 PM] YV??~: Nothing I guess. I stopped working like 2 something hours ago. mostly because a lot of these answers required too much thinking for me to concentrate on it. [2/27/2015 6:57:53 PM] Evan: haha sorry [2/27/2015 6:59:00 PM] YV??~: weh, its fine. [2/27/2015 7:00:17 PM] YV??~: i guess i should ask the same out of courtesy [2/27/2015 7:01:03 PM] Evan: The answer would be pretty similar. Not doin a whole lot at this moment in time. Jus the usual procrastinating while I should be doing Update. [2/27/2015 7:02:27 PM] Evan: How are things going for you? [2/27/2015 7:03:55 PM] YV??~: pretty much the same as last month but with 99% less anyone. exactly the same stuff just theres no one it is only me. i am the one.... who will never get any work done [2/27/2015 7:05:23 PM] YV??~: you? [2/27/2015 7:06:20 PM] Evan: Eh, not the greatest, but it's whatever. [2/27/2015 7:06:28 PM] Evan: How are you liking the silence? [2/27/2015 7:08:04 PM] YV??~: i dont know. i think its kinda annoying that people will say things about how important I am when literally no one talks to me and i just spend most of the time alone. *shrugshrug* [2/27/2015 7:08:24 PM] Evan: Ah. [2/27/2015 7:10:57 PM] Evan: I think a lot of them aren't great at socializing, to be honest. I'm pretty much the same. It's always hard to approach people you don't necessarily know that well since you don't know how they'll feel about it. [2/27/2015 7:11:10 PM | Edited 7:11:18 PM] Evan: I'd guess they're afraid they'd be bothering you? [2/27/2015 7:12:34 PM] YV??~: weh...hell if i fuckin know whats up with people. [2/27/2015 7:13:00 PM] Evan: Yeah. heh [2/27/2015 7:13:36 PM] Evan: It's been pretty slow in the main group lately, though. It seems like most people have split off into smaller, separate groups of people they're more comfortable with. [2/27/2015 7:14:09 PM] YV??~: good for them i guess [2/27/2015 7:14:54 PM] Evan: Indeed. [2/27/2015 7:15:23 PM] Evan: I just kind of wonder if there's anyone you'd still care to hang out with or if you're done with the entire community [2/27/2015 7:17:15 PM] YV??~: Weh, i didnt really come away hating anyone but im wary of jumping back into any space with most of these people lest they say things that make me end up hating my other series as well. [2/27/2015 7:17:57 PM] Evan: Are there just a few people in particular? I know there weren't THAT many involved in that particular conversation. [2/27/2015 7:21:24 PM] YV??~: eh, really anything one person can do the other can do just the same. Its either never talk openly about my work again or never people. I really dont think it would be possible for me to put a gag on all work related statements, so its easier to just forego people altogether [2/27/2015 7:22:37 PM] Evan: I don't think it would be a problem, though. It had been nearly a year before that happened, and it was a very specific situation. [2/27/2015 7:23:04 PM] Evan: Even though they misunderstood you and ended up hurting in the end, they had good intentions. [2/27/2015 7:26:31 PM] Evan: No one can predict things like that happening, but is it worth isolating yourself in case something like that happens again? I don't mean to sound pushy, but I'm kind of worried about you. [2/27/2015 7:30:41 PM] YV??~: Yeah but it ultimately is better i take cautions side. because I dont know, Ive always been alone with minimal friends and I was never 1st choice for any of them. Ive never really gotten angry of fought with people besides my siblings and considering my sister once choked me in my sleep for snoring and i could have actually killed her at one point in some fight, i think that hints at what kind of destructive anger i tend to get. While now i try to point it towards me so as not to harm others something still ends up broken or destroyed. usually art of some kind. [2/27/2015 7:34:28 PM] YV??~: im not saying thats not a nice sentiment but i guess i just wasnt made to be around  people [2/27/2015 7:35:21 PM] Evan: I don't think that's the case at all. [2/27/2015 7:38:38 PM] Evan: For all the time I've been around you, I haven't seen you hit anyone especially hard. You tend to be blunt about things, but I don't think you've hurt anyone. Even when you left the chat was relatively tame during the actual interaction. What's more troubling is you hurting yourself, and I feel like that's primarily what's being accomplished right now. [2/27/2015 7:39:03 PM] Evan: I know I've said this before and you seem to not like it, but you aren't as bad as you think. You still deserve to be happy. [2/27/2015 7:43:56 PM] YV??~: Eh, at this point im used to it. I mean i only ever get people being nice to me and complementing me and id otherwise have nothing to keep them in check or balance them out if i didnt turn the abuse up to 400 on myself. *shrugshrugshrug* [2/27/2015 7:45:07 PM] Evan: Then let me be harsh for a second. [2/27/2015 7:45:09 PM] Evan: That's stupid. [2/27/2015 7:48:11 PM] Evan: People are nice to you because they think you deserve it. No matter how terrible you think you might be on the inside, it's what you project that determines who you are. If you never act on your terrible thoughts, then how can you be considered bad? Even if you have things to work on - as everyone does - you aren't going to make it any easier by hating yourself. [2/27/2015 7:52:18 PM] YV??~: Weh, I mean ultimately i doubt anyone even wants to talk to me anyway. [2/27/2015 7:52:36 PM] Evan: I've been talking to you for the last four hours. [2/27/2015 7:53:44 PM] YV??~: closer to 4 and a half but yes i noticed [2/27/2015 7:54:14 PM] Evan: And I think you're a very unique person with an interesting perspective. [2/27/2015 7:54:45 PM] Evan: Others may not have gotten to know you that well, but I think they'd absolutely want to talk to you as they did. [2/27/2015 7:58:43 PM] YV??~: Well, I mean thats all based on other peoples opinion but i dont think many people get to interested with people who ramble for much too long on one thing. [2/27/2015 7:59:06 PM] Evan: Is that a thing you do? I haven't noticed it. [2/27/2015 8:03:11 PM] YV??~: Well I decided to answer questions that could be a short to the point answer with a paragraph. But there comes a point where, when you frequently find yourself gasping for air in the middle of a word, you begin to question whether you let other people get a word in on something youre interested in, or if its just you talking to yourself. [2/27/2015 8:04:49 PM] Evan: haha [2/27/2015 8:05:14 PM] Evan: I don't think it's as bad as you think it is. Cause there are some people that have it bad, but I've never known you to be one of them. [2/27/2015 8:05:46 PM] Evan: If anything it seems like you didn't talk much at all during the interactions we've had. [2/27/2015 8:06:45 PM] YV??~: I try not to. I usually dont have anything worthwhile to say anyway [2/27/2015 8:07:36 PM] Evan: But the point is I think you do just fine. You could have plenty of friends if you let yourself. [2/27/2015 8:10:53 PM] YV??~: i dont know. People tend not to listen to me even when i do have something to say. Even when i was a wee tot eager to be at school i only ever had one friend until 7th grade. [2/27/2015 8:23:22 PM] Evan: But people CAN'T listen if you don't talk to them. You don't have to make a bunch of friends. Hell, you don't have to make any. But you should be happy, and if being around other people contributes to that, it's absolutely worth doing. And if you play nice enough you might find some people that you really like. [2/27/2015 8:28:31 PM] Evan: And trust me, I know what it's like. [2/27/2015 8:29:32 PM] Evan: Until last year I never had anyone I considered to be a friend. There were people I talked to, and people I sometimes hung out with, but it never lasted more than a few months, or maybe the school year if they happened to be someone in class. [2/27/2015 8:30:25 PM] Evan: It took twenty years for me to make a friend, but it happened. If a social wreck like me can meet people and be happy, I think you have more than a chance. [2/27/2015 8:30:30 PM] Evan: :D [2/27/2015 8:35:49 PM] YV??~: eh. Im really tired of thinking whether or not to go back or whatever, and ive got too much stuff to get done this weekend to worry about it. [2/27/2015 8:36:40 PM] Evan: That's fine. [2/27/2015 8:38:42 PM] Evan: You don't even have to go back to that particular group. Hell, I'm not even in the main chat anymore. But you should go somewhere - find people to talk to and most importantly be happy. [2/27/2015 8:39:12 PM] Evan: Though you've spent a lot of time getting to know us fanime people. So it's certainly a good place to start. [2/27/2015 8:39:41 PM] Evan: I could also probably direct ya toward one of the smaller off-branch groups if that's more your cup. [2/27/2015 8:39:46 PM] Evan: But yeah, good luck with the things. [2/27/2015 8:42:57 PM] Evan: And I know it sounds generic as all hell, but [2/27/2015 8:43:16 PM] Evan: if you ever need to talk to someone - about ANYTHING - I'll be here.

[tuukks]

Get to know me tag game!

tagged by @solidsnake 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 ty for the tag im bored as fuccccc 😩 (i was gunna do this on the computer so i could do a read more but i can’t b bothered i’m sorry lmao)

LAST:

1. Drink: water 2. Phone call: UHHH mom i think 3. Text message: dad (im cool and have friends i promise) 4. Song you listened to: drugs by kohh 5. Time you cried: literally like 5 min ago HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: aaaaalmost 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: when do i not regret it 🤔🤔🤔 8. Been cheated on: LMAOOO idr the number but uh yea a few times 9. Lost someone special: mhm 10. Been depressed: 😂😂😂 since i was born wym 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no actually! 12-14. LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: pink, gold, royal blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: ummmmmm not this year actually lol 16. Fallen out of love: not a new concept 4 me 17. Laughed until you cried: oh yes 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yeeeaaaaa 19. Met someone who changed you: oh 4 sure 20. Found out who your friends are: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm still not sure 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: oh maybe,,,never go on there, they might still be there lol

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: pretty much all of em, fb too personal for randos 23. Do you have any pets: 😢 no 24. Do you want to change your name: i gave up on hating my name its aight.. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: had a bad day 26. What time did you wake up: prolly 10,,wow… never sleep in that late… 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i can’t remember, next question 28. Name something you can’t wait for: the monsta x concert on the 21st 😩😩😩 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: few weeks ago ): 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: someone zap this bpd/depression/anxiety outta my brain thats all i want 31. What are you listening right now: nuthin 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: uhhh i mean probably ? but i don’t recall 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: literally fucking everyone lmaoo 34. Most visited website: issa tie between twitter & tumblr im such a loser

RANDOM INFO:

35. Mole/s: got em on my body 36. Mark/s: 1 on my jawline and 1 on my lower back 37. Childhood dream: UMMM to be happy lol 38. Hair color: it’s weird & silver/purple right now 39. Long or short hair: always short 41. What do you like about yourself: i’m empathetic and understanding. i have a really good handle on my behavior even tho no one rlly notices that 42. Piercings: literally none, never been pierced 43. Blood type: i have nooo fuckin idea 44. Nickname: hani 45. Relationship status: single af man 46. Zodiac: leo 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: GHOST ADVENTURES been a fan since like 2009 i love it sm 49. Tattoos: sadly none 50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: never had surgery 🙏🏼 52. Hair dyed in different color: yuh 53. Sport: hockey 55. Vacation: like…ideal location ? i’m dying to visit china so i can cry the whole time 56. Pair of trainers: nike

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: nuthing 58. Drinking: water 59. I’m about to: fucking die,,just kidding im gunna decide on a movie to watch 61. Waiting for: this week to end lmao 62. Want: to be fucking happy for like 5 seconds perhaps ? 63. Get married: i’d rly rly like to 64. Career: haha who tf knows

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. Hugs or kisses: kisses 66. Lips or eyes: oh lips definitely 67. Shorter or taller: i like short guys nd girls. wanted someone tall 4 a long time but fuck it i love shorties….. 68. Older or younger: older maybe 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: arms 71. Sensitive or loud: i wanna say sensitive.. 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: kinda ? 75. Drank hard liquor: of course 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: nope i keep track of em pretty well 77. Turned someone down: i mean yeah probably 78. Sex on the first date: lmao no 79. Broken someone’s heart: yeah 80. Had your heart broken: not romantically 81. Been arrested: no thank god 82. Cried when someone died: mhm 83. Fallen for a friend: yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: i do but that don’t mean much 85. Miracles: yes 86. Love at first sight: yknow, it might be possible but its not a thing u would be aware of u feel me 87. Santa Claus: i really did when i was younger 88. Kiss on the first date: i would

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: me baby sierra 91. Eye color: green/blue 92. Favorite movie: i was gunna say inglorious basterds but i think it’s battle royale 😩😩👌🏼

i feel like i always tag the same ppl & i jus dont know who my mutuals are anymore so basically if ur interested u can do it & say i tagged u

[skiasurveys]

I don’t feel like sleeping

What are the initials of the last person you made out with? CIT 

If you found out you were pregnant, who would be the first person to know? Well probably the father for sure, and then my mom and my best friend. 

How old were you when you had your first kiss? 18 years old. Late bloomer lol

Is it awkward when you run into your ex? no, but i havent ran into him actually. he moved away :)

Are you afraid of falling in love? No..i only hate the “restarting” thing when you have to get reclose with someone. But Im already in love 

Does it bother you when people smoke around you? If theyre doing it in my face, yeah.

Your ex is walking next to you, with their new partner, what do you do? Smile probably say Hi, and then walk away. I wouldn’t ignore him because it would jsut make it awkward.

Are there things in your life that you’ll never be able to get over? Probably my assualt and my best friend leaving me

Who was the last person to kiss your cheek? Connor 

What country are you from? Canada 

What’s the second language of your original country? French

Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now? Connor 

Is there anything you are trying to teach yourself? Editing

Was your last kiss drunk or sober? sober i believe

Do you remember who you liked in grade eight? Cole. Oh god. He turned into a drug dealer

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over? eh, kinda. I usually just date people who have the same interest as me, but all my exes have been extremely different.

Were you intoxicated the last time you threw up? I think so..

Has anyone told you they would never leave and left? Yeah my ex best friend. we had a horrible fight, didn’t talk for 3 months, got to beign friends again and she said she would talk to me more about stuff and then she left. oh well.

How much effort would it take for someone to become close to you? Not a lot. Just show you care i guess. 

What was the first thing you said when you woke up today? “damn i woke before my alarm clock”

Who is your most recent ex? Tanner but he was short term. like a month, but we were really close. Dylan would be th second recent

Do you think the last person you kissed is a player? No 

Has anyone of the opposite sex hurt you emotionally? Yeah, actually. 

Are your eyes the same color as your moms or dads? my dads.

Where is the last person you kissed? at his place. either sleeping or gaming.

Has the person you last kissed took their shirt off in front of you? yeah duhh

Single, or taken? Taken.

Have you ever broken anything because you were mad? Kinda.

Have you ever kissed someone in front of your parents? not really. 

Person you last sent a text to? Sasha 

Is it possible to be JUST friends with someone you wanna be with? Yeah you can. Its called being an adult. 

Is there anyone you don’t wanna lose? yep

Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? Nope.

Can money buy happiness? No, but it can buy you things that make you happy and feel secure/safe.

Ever been so drunk someone else had to carry you? No

How many people have you kissed who’s name started with an M? none

Had sex in a movie theater? how the fuck

Have you told anybody you loved them today and meant it? Not today

Would you change your eye color to blue? No i hate blue

Are you a heart breaker? No. I have hurt people in the past. But i don’t go out of my way to hurt them.

Who was the last person who left your life and hurt you? Morgan. we were best friends, really close and he just was turning into a complete cunt. especially when he started to date his new GF. 

Has anybody ever told you that you’re too young to be in love? Yeah

What was the last thing you looked up on Google? a image

Do you have a lighter on you? yeah.

Do you “blow kisses” often? no

Weirdest rumor you’ve heard about yourself? That I was engaged, but thats it.

Ever kissed a smoker? weed smoker

Have you ever painted each toe/finger nail a different color? no

Do you have any inside jokes with your parents? not rly

Honestly - have you ever written something on a bathroom stall? yeah

Do you need to “break up” with a friend? 

no

What is your natural hair color?

Brown.

Are you the oldest, middle, youngest, or an only child? Oldest

What is the longest relationship you’ve been in? The one im currently in. 9 months.

Have you ever felt pressured to do something you weren’t ready for? yeah.

What does your last outgoing text say? “watch her not see it”

Have you ever been hit on the head with a brick, rock, wooden block or bat? no

How often do you wear skirts? I used to wear them a lot.but not so much anymore. I wear them in the summer 

Have you ever seen a fat girl wearing really tight leggings? yeah

Have you ever worn skinny jeans that were yellow, purple, blue or pink? yeah, blue like bright blue. Back when I was 12. Grossss.

Who was the last person that you talked with online? sasha

Who was the last friend you hung out with? Kyra

Is there someone you want to fight? ehhhh.

Are you married? No.

Are you a high school drop out? No. I’m in college.

Do you look like anyone famous? no

Do you have a criminal record? No.

Have you ever been hit on by somebody 10 years older than you? try 20

Have you ever gone to a strip club? no and never will

What would you look like with an afro? i dont wanna think of that

Who’s the last person to really piss you off? connor haha

When’s the last time you did something you knew was wrong? I dunno.

What’s your relationship with the person you last texted? best friendssss

Do you think that you’re a good person? im a bad bad bad bad person.

What was on your mind mostly today? Just some personal things, connor, and my friends

Have you held hands with anyone today? No.

Is a best friend/boyfriend/girlfriend or ex pissing you off at the moment? my boyfriend was but not overly. Just annoyed.

Are you in a good mood right now? sore.

Last person you told a secret to? kaylie i think

Who was the first person you talked to today? sasha maybe

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? No were dating

Is there something right now that has you worried? A bit, I guess.

Ever been on a golf cart? No.

Have you ever slapped someone in the face? Not really.

Last person you took a nap with? Connor

Are you embarrassed by anything you have in your bedroom? yeah...

Does seeing your mother cry automatically make you feel sad as well? yes

What is one stereotype associated with your race that is actually true? that we think mustard is spicy.

What color shirt are you wearing? black

The last person you kissed needs you at 3 AM, would you help them? obviously 

Has anyone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you? yeah

Do you care if people hate you for no reason? I do, i need a reason or it will bug me.

Have you ever given up on someone, but then went back to them later? Kinda.  when connor and i first dated back in 2015 for like 9 days (LMAO) and then we stopped talking for 2 weeks and then we were hanging out afain for a week and then eventually I just stopped and I thought we would never talk again, and then 4 months later we were hangingout and since then we had been dating lolol

Do you have a lot on your mind at the moment? YEA

Do you do something illegal on a regular basis? no

Did you and your mom ever have a big fight that caused you to move out? no

What grade is the last person you texted in? no grade

Do you think someone likes the same person you like? If they do they better step the fuck down cus hes mine.

Do you think you’re wasting your time on the person you like? no

Do you think its cute when someone kisses your forehead? yea

Is your last ex currently in a relationship? I dont think so

Do you think more about the past, present, or future? future and past

Ever liked someone whose name started with a B? Brad when  i was 10

The person that you miss right now, what does their first name start with? J

Do you think true love ever really dies? it can die.

Do you think the last person you kissed has feelings for you? Yes.

Have you ever been punched in the face? No.

Did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl? yeah, i liked this one guy in senior year and it was  a waste, we never mounted to anything and we still talk but we both were in love with eachother but he was just too pussy to date. 

Have you ever been asked out by someone you didn’t want to be with? many times.. but the same guy

Have you ever kissed the last person you sent a text message to? no.

Ever get hurt by someone who promised they wouldn’t? yeah

Are you good at hiding your feelings? yeah 

Is there someone you would enjoy hitting right now? Probably.

Do you plan on ruining someones life right now? No lmao

Are you a good liar? No.

What does your current Facebook status mean? I saw a post that said suicide is just angels who want to go home and so i made a post about how suicide isnt to be romanticized 

Could you go a month without cursing? I could but it would be hard.

Think a lot before you fall asleep?

yea

Do you care deeply about others? Many others, yes.

Would you rather have your parents catch you having sex or smoking weed? Smoking weed......

Do you like it when people call you babe? i do when my bf does 

Have you ever kissed someone who was over 21? yeah 

How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? 27 

Would you pay someone to kill the person who hurt you a lot? No. Id pay someone to beat the shit outta him tho

Have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy? Yes.

You see the person you fell hardest for. What do you do? kiss him probs

Will you have sex tonight? tomorrow.

Are you bi-sexual? No. I find girls cute but im not attracted. 

How many times have you gotten into a argument with the last person you kissed? we have only had like many 2 fights. we dont argue. we bicker sometimes but thats it.

Has anyone lied to you today? i dont know

Have you recently lost someone that means everything to you? not recently 

Would you forgive a friend for telling your biggest secret? depends who they told....

Would you ever get a tattoo with someone’s name on it? no unless it was my dads name because he died.

Would you ever get your nipples pierced? no

Have you ever thrown a shoe at someone? yeaaa

Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever? it needs to change.