#ive been wanting to move out but it doesnt feel like ill be able to it feels like something has to change but lord knows what that is

[skunkes]

the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)

but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.

the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore

[nomairuins]

its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF

[batz]

.

[angelstrawbabie420]

crazy how i have no one

[modpoppy]

that being said. i dont think vbros interest is gonna stick at all but they removed mtl from max so i cant rewatch like i planned unless i get the disc set which. lord. i AM basically done with school and finally bought omori tho (but idk if omori or disco elysium would be better to do first)

[metamorphiacreations]

i want to talk about Jjajang Cookie and cultural disconnection

bc its not the focus of the story but its important for her as a character

hi welcome back to Meta rambling at 3am again akandn

The dish of jjajangmyeon or black bean sauce noodles (which sounds so fucking good, i really wanna try some) was brought to Korea in the late 19th century by way of Chinese migrant workers and stems from the Chinese dish, zhajiangmian or fried bean sauce noodles

i saw a post from @/walnutcookie where he mentioned that unlike most other cookies, Agent Jjajang doesnt know how to make her own dish, Cream Puff Cookie knows how to make cream puffs, Latte Cookie knows how to make lattes, even Tanghulu Cookie's whole thing is going back and forth between hot and cold baths because thats what you do to the fruit to make tanghulu, but Jjajang has never made jjajangmyeon until she starts running the noodle shop and even then she doesnt get the hang of it until Olive (who ill call Oli for this post) shows her how to make noodles.

this could be interpreted as Jjajang representing children or descendants of immigrants that have one way or another, lost touch with their culture. the chances of it meaning to be that deep are honestly 50/50 because on one hand the story is a hardass of a government agent does average life work to track down aliens but at the same time the story so far has constantly brought up going back to your roots and homestyle nostalgia. in fact the reason the restaurant blows up in the first place is because Jjajang learned how to play to the aliens' favor by making the noodles taste like home to them.

the franchise doesnt need to say it out loud because its so obvious but a cookie's main ingredient is integral to their living and for a lot of cookies, that ingredient is like 98% of their diet. so the fact that Jjajang up until this point had been eating instant noodles rather than proper jjajangmyeon probably wasnt good for her.

we can see that slowly but surely she starts becoming more happy and comfortable making noodles and even catches herself taking pride in her work, although she tries to bring herself back to reality afterwards. she is a secret agent, not a noodle chef! but i wonder if she realizes that she's finally able to find some connection to her ancestors. given the dishes history, it would make Jjajang canonically Chinese Korean but she talks like she never had the chance to partake in her Chinese heritage.

i myself am afro-dominican. 2nd gen american born or however you say it. my great-grandmother, grandmother and great aunts moved from DR to New York and without getting too personal, i dont feel confident in my knowledge about Dominican culture. i dont know about the history of my country, i dont know about our clothing styles or anything specific but i do know about our food! we eat it all the time! i love sancocho, i love mangú, i love platanos in general. food just makes me feel connected to DR even though ive never been (yet!)

call it projecting or whatever but i feel like Jjajang is the same way, shes happy making noodles because it brought her closer to her family roots and even if that wasnt the intention with her character, i still think its a great aspect and wonderful, quiet plotline.

[tossball-stick]

MORE TRANSFEM KIERAN

hii kicks my feet. twirls my hair. does a little spin. i wanted to write these out sooo much sooner but i got sick :(( luckily!! im here now!!!! so today ive decided to share some camp transition hcs. personally i dont actually think she would have the time to transition in the gang.. buuuuut its still nice 2 think about :) maybe later ill make a post about the domestic au ive got for her. smiles big and wide

sean is immediately supportive of her transition. this isnt really cause for suspiscion, sean is also trans of course. until his true intentions are revealed and hes simply staring at a womens fashion catalogue in the undergarments section holding it out to kieran and pointing, "i think youd look good in that one ;)"

eventually kieran is doing some of the ladies workload, she is one of them, after all (though i imagine her true role even post transition would be a little more mixed, like karen, who can be seen going on watch and such). of course this means grimshaw eventually coming by to nitpick her the same way she does for the rest of the women. chastised for not being ladylike enough, or being improper. i imagine susan and kieran get along pretty well, honestly, i can imagine kieran being a very effective little worker bee for her that goes along with whatever she says in an attempt to pass. susan clearly knows about being a woman. kieran wants to be a woman. its perfect!

you would think if i headcanoned bill as gay and kieran as a woman i would believe that bill eventually loses his crush on her. you would be wrong. very wrong. i think it maybe seems that way at first, but realistically bills manner of attraction has simply shifted. with men you can be rough and rowdy and awful and its expected, even when trying to court one, but trying to court a lady? now, thats a long process of wearing her down with charisma, wooing her, being a gentleman. things bill williamson sucks at. really badly. i think he would simply stop making moves on her because he just doesnt know how, but i dont think his actual feelings change even remotely

thusly, people start looking at bill weird the times he gets drunk and does dare to flirt with kieran. i imagine people would offer to have a talk with him about it, but she would just smile and shake her head, because bill stumbling over his words to drunkenly call her pretty was one of the best feelings shes ever had

i doubt hosea and dutch would care. really. i think either way they keep her stationed with the horses. it makes her happy and ultimately she is helping around camp more now. theres no loss of hands to complain about, they werent taking her on jobs anyway

her and molly!! i knowwww molly is saying some shit like "youre clearly just pretending, wearing that skirt with that lipstick" and it very quickly snowballs into convincing arthur to take them out on the town and buying kieran some clothes with at least a little class. maybe they kiss while out there. whos to say

look. all im saying is. if kieran goddamn duffy can become a woman then sadie adler can become a man. and sadie adler fucking haaaaaates that the start of his transition was watching an o'driscoll transition first. and i also think it would be really funny and i wanna torture that tboy some more.

grows her hair out for sure, i think in any other setting she would wear it down more than up, but due to the nature of her chores at camp, shes keeping the hair off the back of her neck

i can imagine mary-beth and her sitting together on a quiet night, kieran listening to her talk about whatever dime novel or bodice ripper she'd been able to get her hands on lately. its nice and all, but shes mostly just listening, shes not much of a reader, and mary-beth is clearly talking like she wants the man. until, out of nowhere, shes bringing up how the savior is always the men, and how, sometimes, it made her even more giddy to picture the "men" with long hair and even more identity protection, and thinking about them being women masquerading as men. seemingly, kieran is a lot more engaged now that mary-beth is talking about being saved by a woman that is stuck looking like a man for whatever reason. of course, mary-beth doesnt miss this little detail. theyre sharing drinks by the end of the night.

i think one of her first gender moments was getting her first skirt of course. but i think it only really hit her when she had to mount branwen sidesaddle for the first time, and get used to riding him like that. it was kinda like learning to ride a horse all over again. it gets branwen involved in her transition as well and i think thatd be crucial for her; bonding with her beloved horse in a new way, being a woman while doing it. even if he wasnt a part of such a big moment for her, i still think she would gush to him about all the womanly things she got to do that day. branwen is always the first to hear when a day goes by and she barely feels like a man the whole time.

i hope this was enough food to keep you and any other transfem kieran enthusiasts fed for a bit ^-^

[sankttealeaf]

crying my eyes out at the parents!ruetash things. it all makes so much sense!! the DRAMA. ok but i'm still curious so if you feel like talking about them some more - did they plan to have kids or was it more accidental? i know rue had some real issues re: pregnancy in the fic, how did she ultimately deal with it? and since she was afraid of hurting their kids, do you think there were ever any close calls? sorry i. love them

i am ALWAYS down to talk about parent!ruetash especially because theyve been on my mind lately!!! <3 thanks for indulging me :D

it was purely accidental, these two are NOT safe when it comes to getting it on. when rue finds out she's pissed and doesnt tell him for like a tenday while she tries to come to terms with her options. ideally she would like to remove it, but then if it were to ever get out people may try and turn it into a Big Deal and she doesnt want the hassle

she tells gortash eventually and he is both overjoyed (woo he gets to continue his legacy) and kind of concerned because rue is being Too Calm about this. he wants this, she feels trapped in it but sure, he'll indulge in his little happy families fantasies - when their kid tries to kill him one night she wont stop them. its his fault for fucking a bhaalspawn

rue, despite how against children she is, uses her pregnancy to her advantage. gets her way all the time. loves the power trip. "gortash, you have to get me the imported fruits from the south. the babe wants it. i cant help it" or "im not moving from this chair my back hurts so i need you to feed me - this is your kid, pull your fucking weight"

calls their children "his problem". he wanted them so he has to deal with them. i think the actual act of giving birth is hell for him specifically and gortash is forced out of the room because she is trying to kill him for putting her through this (sorry rue, you do it again in a few years time)

i think theres been a few close calls. some nights gortash wakes up and rue is just. standing over the crib watching their child sleep. he has to coax her back to bed and on nights she feels really bad she's locked away in one of the guest rooms. (i like to think the reason she Is That Way is she sees their kid as a threat to her position in the temple of bhaal. even tho they are tiny and cannot kill her, one day theyll grow up and maybe discover their bloodline and try and kill her and she cant have that. best rid them early on)

its also why she distances herself from them. cant harm them if she isnt around them, right? its not until they have their son does she realise that she can feel when her urges are worsening, she's able to control herself. its fine.

when their kids grow up and none of them have tried to kill her, i think she becomes a better mother to them. thinks back to her foster family and how they treated her and tries to do the same despite being in a far better position than they were.

also slight tangent but the kids are like, a spitting image of gortash. i like the idea that there's no "tiefling" traits in them (because rue isnt a tiefling) & the only trait she passes down are the odd patches of skin discolouration or the freckles or maybe little flecks of white in their hair. bhaals flesh doesnt translate well, because the whole point (to me) is to blend in with the world. so when rue is stuck looking after the children she's always remembering her own childhood and Not Having A Good Time :)

i love to make her suffer. girl i am sorry.

THANKS for the ask!!! i love rambling about these two and ive had them on the brain a lot lately!! one day ill name these kids. we'll see

[projecto2-game]

DevLog 2 - The Devining

well. it only took 3 months. but here is our new devlog! or however you call it... We did write a whole devlog for early march, but with school and work taking up most of our schedule, we did not post it, and most of our progress fell to the sands of time.

Snail (@snailmusic) -

Yeah I didn't do nearly as much as freep, so most of those changes will be down there. part of the reason though is that ive been doing a lot of work on my music (haha yes self promo) so if you want to check that out it'd be great! (most of yall are just from my acc so you probably alr know) (my current style of music is probably not representative of O2's audio style or vibe, still working towards that)

The main thing I did was improve trenchbroom (level editor)/qodot/godot interop, which can bring us closer to building some levels (and who knows, a little alpha test in the future ;)). It was actually realllyyyy annoying due to a lack of documentation for qodot 4 (and also ill admit it, a bit of my stupidity) so there was a bug that I couldn't fix for a long time but eventually it was fixed and now it works great!

I also started looking more into the art style of the game, and I'm even learning a bit of how to draw (thanks to my friends! I wouldn't be able to learn like at all without them lol).

^ guy on a cube

oh yeah speaking of outside help im getting this is (very slightly) now bigger than us two! the others aren't doing too much we can note right now (one doesnt have a tumblr acc either) but when their contributions come more into play we'll include them here.

See ya next time!

Freep (@freepdryer) -

Back in march, i spent a lot of time working on the AI, getting it to move… and run away, sort of. But more of that will come later. 

Lots of these last week or so has been on the character controller, and reinventing the wheel to introduce a state machine and get a lot cleaner code so its easier to revisit if we ever had to.

Im proud of the work that we've done so far, as we come close to a prototype with *Gameplay* 

New Things

Changed the look of the enemy slightly to remove the “amongus factor”

Rewrote the entire script for nav pathing

New enemy prototype can now feel pain / has a health pool that can be depleted using bullets from the player

Added a new line of sight for the enemy to check whether or not the player is in the area to follow

Added the ability for the enemy to hide - WIP - enemy can hide but isnt very good at it. Kinda like a child who turns away while hiding in the corner. 

Enemy can also detect when youre in a certain range, I will be adding more flags later on for detection (when the player shoots, sneezes, or explodes on accident)

New testing map!

New areas for target practice, line of sight testing, following and hiding

New player character controller!

Rewrote the entire script for the inclusion of State machines

This was painful.

Added 6(?) new states for several movement states

Added animations for 

Walking

Running

Jumping

Crouching

Fixed the stair problem

Whats next?

Continue work on enemy AI - finish hiding, add roaming, add attacking

Dunno? 

Fix the stair problem again, but more?

Weapons!

The end?

Thanks for coming to our devlog! We will be back hopefully very soon!

[kaleidosouls]

SU reclaimed pearl rambles

im gonna use some annoying comments i got on my reclaimed pearl as a springboard for what i think could be interesting discussion because i think its good to engage with criticism/different opinions. but also if you talk to me like an asshole i want you to fuck off and i promised i wouldnt engage in that kind of stuff bc its not good for me and it doesnt Look good for me either.

so i can talk about my thoughts but not engage directly, win win. its been months but im still really fond of the pearl i made specially this art. like it coudl be better but i like it well enough. just a little header so this isnt a boring post with only text

i think like, its good to establish ground rules that like, i think most of the poor reactions ive seen towards my art were missing, mostly in bad faith probably but in case theres ppl who earnestly want to understand. actually maybe i can format it like a little FAQ even though theyre not frequent or asked lskdjg just for outlining my points. ill put it behind a cut but ill frontline w this: if youre a fan of pearl in the show, this content is not for you. youre allowed to like whatever you want and so am i. if you like her, we probably wont get along and you probably will feel very personally irritated by how i FEEL about her, so just walk away now. im not gonna engage with petty shit taht juts boils down to 'im mad you dont like what i like'

onwards to more rambling / sorta responding to some criticism

i scrolled back and i guess i sorta never have actually done a proper full explanation post about this AU have i? or maybe i have and deleted it, i forgor

why did you change pearl?

because i hate her, simple as. i went from a huge SU fan to hating watching it (i did finish) and pearl is probably The biggest reason why, as like issues with her character seep into other aspects of the show that i also hate. like i mean i Realyl hate her. she makes the experience of watching the show really irritating and miserable for me. if you dont feel taht way about her thats totally normal and whatever but no one is gonna change my experience and feelings that i had watching SU since the 1st season was coming out.; anyway answering. there is a Lot i love about SU and want to engage with, so i had the idea of like,maybe ill just change pearl, cause i wanted to delete her, really, but she is one of the main characters and she hasa function as a character that you cant just do away with. essentially im just like, some guy, who draws, coping and trying to reclaim his teenage investimetn in this show. literally its just for ME. but if anyone else feels like i do, then they can enjoy it too. if somoene doesnt feel like i do, go watch like pearl fancams or smth. like ill never be able to literlaly change the show as it is, like its happened, and its a tragedy im trying to move on from (begrudgingly)

why do you hate pearl?

the long laundry list of reasons are probably apparent in the ways i remade her lol (theyre not i can tell ppl are gonna project whatever worst bad faith reason for any change i make) but tbh the core of it is this, which is like, beyond whatever traits she has and whatever: she reminds me of my abusers. always had, from season 1, but like it became worse as the series went on. its like really infurating and upsetting to watch SU bc of her. had my abusers been a different kind of person, maybe i wouldnt hate her so much (kinda doubt tbh). like her personality and behavior are like hough disgosting!!

why did you change (some physical trait about her design)?

i dont really necessarily have a PROBLEM with canon pearls design. over the years ive come to like SU's style less and less but like, gestures, whatever. like i didnt like it or anything but its not like a bit deal compared to the actual offender that is her personality and behavior. the reason i redesigned her at all is bc like, if i hadnt, i would still be thinking about the way she is in canon all the time. like ive visually associated her like, appearance with all the shit about her thta makes me upset so i had to so she didnt look like the same person anymore, and i can try to let go of some of the hatred in my heart. like i want to think about the thigns about SU that i loved and also the potential i always saw in it and canon pearl is like, an active obstacle to that, to the point taht i cant even see her without getting like irked. i tried to keep enough similar traits so from a glance youd be like, who the fuck- is that pearl? rather than like. completely change her entirely to whatever i wanted. i do want to like, its a creative exercise. i want to try and change the things that would make me happy to see gone but try to work within the constraints of the SU we Did get as much as i can tolerate. bc like.... if the sky was the limit then at this poin wed just have to throw the whole thing away and start from scratch. like its kinda not really very salvageable, like im not rewirting SU to be like a Good show or fix Everything, its kinda too broken. im just chnaging enough so i can look at the actual show, screenshots, songs etc, and not feel overcome wtih like the grief and irriatation of how much it sucked ass. its just so i can enjoy more of it again

i dont like your redesign for (insert reason)

cool. thanks for your input. youre welcome! eat my asshole. seriously though, like, shrugs. i didnt make it for anyone other than myself. tbh im not fully satisfied with it either bc i think the SU style is kinda ugly, so im at a crossroads. should i mostly abandon the SU style? ive like, tested out tweaking things, it mightve been noticeable in screenshot redraws. drawing within the SU style is to create that coping 'oh it was totally like this haha' vibe but maybe im old enough to not need that anymore lol. like ive heard ppl say shit like shes ugly, or like sneakily trying to imply im like, got some agenda over beauty or racism etc. like whatever, think whatever you want, its not for you. go back to sucking up to rebecca or smth like i cant take the og pearl away from you still i am open for like that kind of criticism like, do i have personal biases affecting my design decisions? probably. i do try to keep aware of why im choosing certain things, but really in this case i cant emphasize enough how like, irritating it is that i have to change her design at all. like its hard to come up w smth else when the rest of the cast ahs already been design to balance off the og pearl. i probably wouldnt change almost anything if the sight of her didnt piss me the fuck off! most of all i kinda wouldve preferred to keep her hair short bc it messes up the sillouete but it makes me think too much of canon pearl so i made it long :/ i was like let me tell you my design thought process: -im gonna try to keep as many recognizable traits about her design while taking away bit by bit until she doesnt look like the og pearl to me anymore and i dont feel angry seeing her. pearl is lanky, tall, spindly, with a gem on the forehead, blue white pink yellow pastel colors, large pointed nose. i kinda tried to keep these traits while slightly tweaking their design until she looked different enough. is it a good design? eh idk. like the purpose is to make me not hate her and it does that job

now this hate comment im gonna grace with keeping it intact except removing the person bc its not about them. its like, a very stupid ass headed comment but im actually kind of interested in like,jumping off of it to ponder some things

im not heterosexual or cis enough to know what exactly wife bate means in this context so im gonna like guess, that maybe i could extract this q from that reply (also not looking like shes from steven universe is a compliment thanks)

you took away her personality and made her boring

the only thing i can assume is that like, some people must interpret the absence of an assholey personality or like abusive behavior is 'boring'. i know thats a really bad faith assumption but like, if ive written down a bunch of personality traits and you still come out saying thats 'no personality' what am i to make of that lol. based on my experience like Existing online, people tend to often call nice characters 'boring', like dude ive done it before, but i think im kinda over that edgy phase. also again, its for me and not for you so if you think shes boring, thanks for your input i dont care. but thinkign about it earnestly, i dfeintely dont want to make a character thats just no flaw and not interesting ofc, i havent done that with reclaimed pearl. that being said i havent like, probably written a lot demonstrating what i want her to be like instead of the canon pearl so, maybe ppl just are feeling lost with the lack of information.

personally, if i hear someone thinks a character is boring bc theyre not abusive anymore like, nothing of value has been lost. but characters do need flaws in order to create conflict and cause things to happen, like in a way canon pearl is like All flaw, which wouldnt be a problem except she gets away wtih all the horrible shit she did. heres some traits i want to explore with reclaimed pearl, some are similar to canon i just wanna go about it a different way: being overprotective/possessive to steven in a smothering way, projecting abandonment issues, not reaching out/communicating her emotions properly, lacking indepedence/self worth, depending on others to avoid confronting her own issues, being very passive and insecure and lacking initiative (this being the totally opposite trait that canon pearl has), stunting stevens development due to her not being ready for him to grow up and not need her anymore. and more, this is just from the top of my head. maybe thats still too 'boring' for ppl because shes not being selfish and inconsiderate enough to others so you can relate to her but i dont care :p

gosh how do i go about like, presenting the content i ahve in my head for this AU).. i cantjust remake the whole damn show. i would if i could, tbh

i have concerns about racist implications wrt (insert thing here about my redesign)

imma be frank. i dont know how to compltely 'clean up' any possible bad associations wrt pearl as a character given how like, rebecca has literally like, made her to be a slave in love with her slave owner and made it to be like, an uwu ideal lesbiab thing for most of the show until they tried to pretend no we understood the flaws in this dynamic all along and its bad actually , uhh, anyway shows over haha

ill say the main reason i changed her skintone is, bc that would be the like most instant way to make her look differnt from canon (which is vital for me for the reasons said above), and i did consider like, does this make the whole thing worse, or, ?? like, as they made it in the show, techincally All the gems are slaves to the diamonds, arent they? including all the very totally progressive poc based gems including and specially the ones who are made to be understood as black women. bruh like idk what to tell you this show is just fuckig bad sdlgkj like its just way too like, pervasive in my teen years forme to throw the baby w the bathwater entirely. and ill just straight up say it, like, im not a specialist on these topics nor do i hav ea position of authority to speak on about it. like the pearls read more clearly as slaves (very intentionally by the showrunners) bc they are meant to be subservient to gems Other than diamonds. and also bc they like fit in the stereotype of housemaid servant. like the rubies being made to just be forced to go and fight like they are slaves too, they have no rights and no like, authority to disobey or autonomy. but fsr like, slavery as in physical labor just doesnt immeidately set off ppls alarms as much as housework slavery does fsr.

i can only rly like change the canon so much and try to like, tweak things so it doesn feel as gross but i think for it to be cmpletely not insneistive at all youd have to throw away the whole show. and like i said, this isnt like me saying like im making the show good or as it shouldve been, im making it so I (and ppl who share my feelings about the show) can feel less shitty just thinking back to it. its just an exercise. im not like mass media im just one independent artist and shit will come out insensitve sometimes and im sorry but im also like, my art isnt meant to be representative and like, responsiuble for fixing all of society and racism like i actually cant do that. ill just do the best i can as an asian dude but like, if my work makes you upset, im sorry, but also just block me. like i cant please everyone. or like, even better, make YOUR take on pearl taht you feel would be better, like make the art you feel should exist.

this post is too damn long and id be surprised if anyone reads all of it but if you do, tahnk you! i felt kinda like ready to fight tonight so im triyng to redirect it from aggression to like, thinking. i cant guarantee im making new content for su reclaimed anytime soon but i would really like to, tbh

[wormeats]

meltdowns are hell. cant think or stop panicking and panic about panicking and not being able to do things or handle stuff. sensory hell, feel the need to escape my body and feel totally overwhelmed and hopeless every time even tho i know it is finite

tips in general for making them less horrible or preventing or if anyone just wants to reassure me bc it sucks and my own body and brain feel like hell and im actively trying to like myself and work with myself more and my body and brain but it is hard af? i feel like ive figured out some of my limits and stuff that helps to prevent and have been safer during them bc now i just cry a lot and scream into stuff and move my arms a lot bc before i wanted to contain it as much as possible so id hurt myself and it was dangerous, i cannot afford to care about being embarrassed anymore

or in general support groups or places to talk to other autistic people? talking to friends has helped and seeing videos ppl make about autistic experiences and going down wholesome supportive comment rabbitholes on autism videos. a support group would be so rad, but idk how to get help it feels like my therapist doesnt even fully understand a lot of what im going through but he understands more of the neurodivergeant experience i have than other doctors have, mayb bc of overlap with ADHD

idk i just want to not hate living and meltdowns make shit so hard recently but its also probably just my body begging me to take a break and get away from stress bc it is too much but i want to be able to do shit anyway and i cant

advice? reassursnce? i feel so broken aaaaaa but it has been getting easier i think as i learn about myself more, i just have repressed sm and been mentally ill for so long and struggling and idk im so tired and feel broken and need more sources ot support so im not crying and screaming and shaking until i run out of panic, probably is annoying af for anyone around me (ik it is sometimes at least ! and makes me feel worse bc i Also want to not be panicking and cannot stop)

[kitty-the-wizard]

Twilight Brain Dump✮⋆˙

i literally love twilight so much. it is my greatest special interest and one that has impacted my life the most. other special interests ive had have also shaped my life but fixating on twilight lead me in to a different part of my life that had some positivity to it, some depth, some cool lore, etc. when i first got in to twilight i was definitely team edward, i guess because bella and edward seemed “better” together and it was just a cool original plot. but, now that im a few years deep in to my special interest, im 110% team jacob. and, with changing teams, ive changed my favorite movie to new moon because hes more in that one and greatly in bellas life. i enjoy the original twilight movie a lot because jacob does make appearances earlier and throughout the movie unlike the book (which im still in the process of reading) where he doesnt until pretty late. i only recently started reading twilight because i was scared that it was going to alter my perception, idea, and extreme interest in twilight. but, it has actually made it greater! im pleasantly surprised and relieved. i have the mass market twilight book and it is SO adorable- i literally almost cried when i got it in the mail! my dear boyfriend bought it for me <3 im kinda assuming that every neurodivergent person goes through this with special interests, but i go through waves and phases within each other - if that makes sense lmao xD like, sometimes ill be way in to one part of twilight, or not so in to the details but in to the movies, or detached from the movies and book but love merch, etc. it’s fascinating when looking at it from afar but scary when you feel like you are falling away. ive never actually fallen away, only “evolved” with my special interest in it. this evolving and growing interest makes me wanna be in the twilightverse so bad ;-; i want to live in this world!!!! i also really want to see bella just be with jacob OMG dont get me wrong, i love edward and his plot line/his family’s plot line - but HEAR ME OUT!!!! bella and jacob look so natural and cool as a couple, plus they have family friend relationship lore, bella moving back lore, getting back to knowing each other lore!!!! maybe wattpad has fanfic?? probably XD

i highkey wish i wasnt a CHILD when twilight came out. i should’ve been 16 LMAO i shouldve been able to cry at hot topic and scream at the movie screen XD

[puppyparkmoving]

Safeship FAQ for clarifications! 💛

• Is safeship not exclusively for survivors / can I post in the tag and be part of the community if I'm not a survivor?

YES! I dont have a big explanation for this just that the base reason the tag was made was so there was a safe and stress free tag for survivors to be garunteed security in browsing and engaging! If youre not a survivor youre not just welcome here but a blessing becuz it gives more content and community and positivity to survivors and youre just as beloved in the community.

• Are minors allowed in the tag?

Yeah absolutely of course I have ZERO qualms with minors having safety in selfshipping and encourage them to use it and be apart of the community! I obviouslt get this questuon becuz I personally dont interact with minors and vice versa cuz I'm almost thirty. But the tag and community and concept is not about me or attached to me really. Its for everyone!

• If someone has abusive or bigoted beliefs or content are they allowed in the tag?

NOPE! And this is also not about me or my dni its because survivors are often multiply minorities and bigotry especially racism and ableism is repugnant and exactly the same negativity as proshidders sooooooo. This includes pro life bullshit becuz many survivors would not even be alive without their rights to choice and that cannot be ignored in this community.

• What if someone ships abusively to cope? (I.e. yandere shit or anything illegal and disgusting)

Thats still not welcome here. I'm not here to tell people what to do on their mental health journey, but neither is anyone else and the healthiest and most sincere option is to keep abusive content out of the tag period.

• Is nsfw allowed in the tag?

Yea you can go nuts idc just tag it so ppl who have nsfw/nsft blocked dont have to see it. Otherwise have fun.

• Something something is the discord ready yet?

Not quite! Im in the process of moving which will free up my focus and life to be able to do that soon. I promise ill announce when it is. But also know my safeship server doesnt have to be the real and only server. Ive had ppl ask if they can make one and the answer is always yes! The concept of safety and community does not belong to me and while id love to have many ppl in mine when i make it ppl dont have to be around me or interact with me to be part of it! Curate your experiences u deserve it!

• Have you seen insert bad person or content in tag?

Probably not! As I said ive been moving so ive been checking the tag sporadically and not as much as I want or you all deserve. I rlly appreciate these asks and bringing stuff to my attention. You dont have to worry abt me posting the asks so it wont look like a callout or anything crazy like that. Ill just discard the ask and post a warning to the @safeshippin blog. Ill be more vigilent when im moved somewhere safe.

• No further questions

I love you have a good one feel free to ask me anything else esp to do with worries or wonders abt the tag/community. Take care of yourself.

[jackienautism]

that sibling post erupted something within me actually sorry

vent

i was feeling soo much worse lik 10 minites ago but the feeling still lingers esp thinking abt how my brother is going to be moving out (most likely) for college next yuear and its just auuhg..bauuuhghh...

i want to get out of here so fucking much. i understand that i have it FAR FROM the worst but good god. good fucking god. i camntt take this shit anymore. all my friends from highschool dont gaf anymore. everyone is moving on without me. even if they say theyll keeo in touch they never actualyl fucking do. im just stuck here. im stuck. im forever stuck in this fuckass town int hsi fuckass house. i just want ot get the fuck out of here

but i CANT bc i cant drive and im so dependent on my parents still. i dont think id physically be able to move out and leave and live on ym own. i just dont think i can. id fucking just die. college isnt a n option for me. my mental health dropped so fucking low my senior year and in college my grades will actualyl mean something again. and i just cant let that happen. i cant. i cant let my depression ge tin the way of something so important. but the thing is. nothing is getting better. inm still in the sam eplace i was how ever many years ago and im tired. im so tired.

im just. im so doomed.i m doomed in everything i do. i wont be ableto live on my own. and i wont be able to drive. and if i did? i dont want to an intrusrive thought or urge or whatever to overtake my body adn get myself or someone else killed. i just can't. i cant do it. but in order to actually fucking live i need to drive and im so fucking tired. esp in the place i lvie now. in order to do literally anything i need to drive. and everyone on the road is so goddamn mean over here. my anxiety would just hinder me if something else doesnt

i just. i want to move ot hawaii w/ my grandparrents or around my grandparetns so fucking bad. i just need to get away from this place. i need to get out of here. i need to get out.

i need to get away from the place ive waasted 20 years of my life. i need a new start. i dont have anything here anymore. i dont fucking care if i leave some friends behind. theyll live. and besides. theyve been doing a pretty damn fine without me anyway. my job just tires me the fuck out. i dont care for this fucking town. all ive ever felt was out of place. atlteast in hawaii ill feel like a belong that much more. but even then. being mixed white and all. ill still feel it. but its much better than being fucking here.

i just want ot leave this town behind. to leave everything i once calledhome behind. bc it never actually felt like a home.

i just wan tot move. i want to get thr fuck out o fhere.

i feel like im never goignt o get out of this place. and yet my brother can. and will. and im just. i cant. i cant.

[forestryfae]

man it is SO nice to find a solution to a really shit problem only for 50 other problems to happen

i am completely alone with zero support in a house i hate, doing as much housework as possible so it can be manageable both in day to day life and so its not hard to just leave when i move, and i still am not getting any help getting rid of the stuff.

i have almost no money and i have to pay to take the train to buy food or neccessities and i was dumb enough to not send a letter sooner so i dont know if ill get my money until after christmas or not, i havent bought more than one christmas gift either cus im fucking broke, and i dont feel anywhere in my body that i want to spend time making something for anyone. my brother still isnt done paying me my money back and literally hasnt talked to me since last time he asked for money, my dad hasnt fucking talked to me in ages and the one time he called in summer it was out of boredom to ask when i was gonna visit them, none of my extended relatives talk to me at all so what the fuck is the point there, and my mom is just. a fucking bitch.

i had her removed as a legal guardian, not even on purpose initially but because folkenemnda or whoever sent her a letter before i was able to have a meeting, so she ofc got fucking offended and now has decided sve cant be involved in anything. she cant call electricians, she cant help fix the house, its "too difficult" for her to have to talk to me or my new legal guardian instead of just buying stuff right away, and she told ME to get a new phone service provider. i had to fix that myself. on top of her being, once again, a useless bitch. dont touch my stuff i say, its fucking embarrassing that you have dirty laundry she implies while moving all my furniture around and doing shit to my kitchen while refusing to acknowledge its my house but still treating it like her own, and not fixing the internet again after they unplugged it.

so i have no access to internet besides my last 150 mb of phone data unless i call some guy to fix it, but they wont be here until next year most likely so its pretty much pointless, and if i buy phone data i have to pay. so if i cant get it fixed ill be literally alone for two weeks straight with no people at all around me and noone i can talk to on the internet. except for fucking. christmas. idk about new years eve. and i dont even fucking like my family, i dont even want to spend time with them, they treat me like shit.

the ac doesnt work since mom got the electricians to look at everything but never actually hired anyone to fix shit and now is completely uncooperative. and after they checked the fireplace in that control like two years ago im not allowed to use it, and mom never actually got that fixed either even though shes been in charge of absolutely everything since forever.

plus both heaters downstairs are set to 27c or max and it still is only like 17 or 19 or so, i have an entire room in the house i straight up cant use cus theres no power and no light and 17c in there and its full of stuff i asked mom to take to the thrift store for me 6 months ago. also i cant leave either heater on if im boiling water or washing dishes cus that overloads the entire fucking thing.

and its just like so much bullshit all at once and ive been spacing out for like 2 hours while writing this cus i get so frustrated and upset and angry and sad. its not fucking fair that my parents literally dont care about me, yet im expected to be fucking sociable and call and visit them and reach out. they didnt reach out to me or support me at all when i was a kid, or a teenager, or an adult, why the fuck would i want to deal with them. but if i dont go to visit them on christmas or i point out that hey. youre not really being fair or nice to me at all, hell breaks loose cus i should be more than happy with the crumbs they give me, as if theyre the best people in the world for fucking. calling once every six months or letting me celebrate a holiday with them.

like. im stuck here for 2 weeks, im broke as shit, no connection to the outside world once i use all my data, i very much am still mentally ill even if im better than before i went inpatient. but once i go back ill have to go back to work and i dont have a psychiatrist to talk to and im not on any meds i think i might need and i havent been tested for anything yet, i havent been had driving practice yet, i can barely talk to my support contact, i need a lot more help than i am being given, im not getting the help i ask for when i do ask for it, and thats on top of shit parents and a shit house and two cats i love but am not sure i can keep given the whole thing where im gone for months at a time. and i just. how the fuck am i supposed to be able to keep a job or ever move out or make friends properly or keep a new apartment or house or be mentally stable. its so much bullshit all at once wtf

[rottytops]

i definitely think the adhd medication (successfully) rewired my brain and made me seek out long term goals over short term pleasure like i have been literally my entire life so now my current goals are to unfuck my credit to move away from my shitty roomies, get my new car and actually get into an ltr lmao

SUPRISINGLY ENOUGH 2 of these 3 goals are either in progress or very obtainable ive been saving a tunna cash and i can get a new car next month after i get my license renewed and ive found this cute little studio that i can maybe move into if i get help co-signing it, then ill just camp out there until my loans are paid off in 50000 years

the last one though.,,,,its so weird. the like. burning fervor to date someone long term kinda slugged me in the back of the head! ive always WANTED a nice relationship but it was never a PRIORITY to me bc i had video games or whatever. these new feelings made me realize ive been living my life like. entirely for myself which is FINE but my standards for myself (combined with how ADHD made me content with literally anything as long as it was easy) make me like. gutter trash tier as a partner, i think. essentially as i am now, unless the other person is equal parts deranged and shitty, im utterly unlovable which is like. tough tits i guess. but if im honest about it i can at least try to change it. part of me is conflicted; if i have to change myself to become more datable, is the person really dating me, or am i just creating a false persona to get conditional love. its a scary thought but at the same time im not really changing MYSELF past getting in shape and taking care of my skin, its more im giving up on being a dopamine addicted manchild and getting my own apartment. with my own car and stuff...these are actually just completely normal goals to have and i already wanted them i just kinda have new motivation for it lmao!

you cant just force a relationship and theres no way im attracting the hoes to me in my shitty room, so i think i need to??? go??? outside??? and hang out with ppl??? utterly mortifying but when i get my car next month i think i can actually do that. id like to make more irl friends as well, i had a bunch of friends in college so. i guess ill go to more smash locals or something but outside of that sigh sigh i have no idea.

these major revelations have all hit me in like the past 2 weeks, since i started my medication and the dosage was upped, i have a lot of work to do and not that much time to do it, really!!!! i hope i can become someone like. worth keeping around in a few months time...!!! the pieces are there i just need to like, put them together....



i could write a whole thing on how mad i am that it took me so long to get medicated and how fast i became a Normal Person after being on meds but like idk that line of thinking doesnt help anybody...!! i accomplished so much even with my debilitating ADHD and now i can do so much more with a mindset that can actually handle the shit neurotypical people expect me to be able to do, considering how im literally good at everything, combined with how ive managed to survive this long with almost no real help from irl people (seriously ive gotten more assistance from my online friends than literally anybody in my family both financially and emotionally) means that me WITH medication is gonna go absolutely insane. im going to be like ultra rich this time next year, probably LMAO....or at least have a boyfriend AURHUFG



anyway if u read this for some reason i love u and also give me ideas on going out and meeting people, i think i can hold a conversation just fine but where do people even GO. do you guys think ppl at bars or whatever know about disgaea. hmmm.