#ive been suicidal off and on for months
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theforesteldritch Ā· 1 year ago
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god I am very mentally ill and tired and I donā€™t let anyone know and itā€™s killing me
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nosygay Ā· 24 days ago
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never before seen the word suicide so much within 24hrs are you guys alive out there
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ialwaysknewyouwerepunk Ā· 7 months ago
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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work#blocked it all out#my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer#breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries#they just diagnosed her two weeks ago#so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends#because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well#but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work#on top of my fulltime#which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it#but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this#for the coming four months at least#so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes#then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week#which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc#i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer#came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry#but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat#bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said ā€œi hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.ā€#ā€œbecause the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.ā€#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually#but seeing her anger made me see my own anger#and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic#i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more#so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise#doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal#and i am not joking#so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back
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xxxemilyg1996 Ā· 4 months ago
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Oh no, the bad feelings are coming back
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themyscirah Ā· 1 year ago
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I think that comic creators should be forced to read the entirety of Ostrander & Yale's Suicide Squad run before they even THINK of using Amanda Waller in anything actually
#its like oh my god. read that book#i swear to god she is complex and has so much going on ans just like you NEED to read that book if you want the slightest CHANCE of doing#suicide squad justice#but then ofc ppl just care abt having a mean boss character they dont actually care about HER#i said comic creators bc its the writing and the art both#bc they dont do her character justice with the writing but then they also dont draw her anything like she looks like#like she is called 'the wall' for a reason guys she is NOT skinny as a twig like cmon#and shes not young either the woman is middle aged shes like 40s/50s#anyways. forcing ppl at gunpoint to read good suicide squad comics. instead of just slapping harley quinn on a team with some random#villains and calling it a day#also the suicide squad is supposed to be a MIX of heroes and villains!!! theres supposed to be varying moralities there! and waller isnt#evil guys istg- shes ambitious and kind of mean and p much ALWAYS stuck between a rock and a hard place but shes not evil!!!!#like cmon guys. its a book about heroes and villains on a team together doing off the books missions. its gonna have nuance esp in the#central kind of figure#godddddd ive been wanting to reread suicide squad SO bad these past 2 days#ever since plastique and waller showed up in nu52 jla im just like ahfiahdsuehdvdjc SUICIDE SQUAD#but i must stop myself. bc whenever i start reading multiple things at once THATS when shit hits the fan#and i go into a slump where i don't read comics for like 8 months and never finish the books im reading#so we're not going to do that but man am i tempted#maybe what i should do is watch the suicide squad movie. the james gunn one. maybe that would fix me actually#viola davis amanda waller goes sooooooo hard actually. casting choice of the century imo#and also they had rick flagg leading the team there which i respect. hes no ben turner but its something#especially since nu52 jla tried to turn steve trevor into a bargain bin rick flagg jr which was... certainly a choice#anyways <3333#also rip my stats this is a loss for feminism geoff johns just knocked kim yale out of my no 5 comic author spot on the tracker app šŸ˜”šŸ˜”šŸ˜”#im so sorry kim i didnā€™t mean to do you dirty like that ma'am#blah#suicide squad#dc comics#amanda waller
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barkingangelbaby Ā· 6 months ago
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venting so much i ran out of tags lmao
#i think im hallucinating ?????#i have my headphones on (listening to boyfeel on repeat n choppin up some paper)#and keep feeling / seeing shadows in my peripheral vision#im probably just dehydrated and having bad floaters but i dont like it :)#today has also been bad dramatically awful#life isn't serious there's no reason to feel this heavy#oop very emo thoughts incoming#life can't be meaningful or ill miss my parents too much but can't be meaningless or im living without them for nothing#im just. struggling very hard this year. idk#i had so much health bullshit going on for months that i put off going to a psych n now im so busy that it feels bad taking time off for it#and im also scared of getting on meds bc the idea of being dependent on something that i might not have access to is.. auuughhh#idk dude my adhd has been debilitating lately and i feel so stuck and sometimes i think i have ocd bc my compulsions are so fucking bad and#all my mental bullshit with my breathing has slowly been driving me wild and peaks my anxiety#and sometimes i worry abt being bipolar bc my mom's mom is and my mom's best friend told me she thought my mom might have been#bc the way my moods are so low or so high is exhausting it feels like i haven't had a ā€œnormalā€ day in so long#but also atp when im happy i feel manic bc idk how to healthily experience happiness anymore#idfk y'all !!!! im also very nonverbal these days#ugh and still going back n forth on telling my therapist ive been suicidal again bc i dont want him to have to report me or anything idk#a few months ago i made a joke about offing myself and he got rly serious n said he'd have to take action if im serious so im leaning no#like. i wouldnt actually kill myself. i just don't want to exist sometimes in this life#its just been very very very very very very very very very very very very very very hard lately without my parents or grandma#and even after all these years it's still heartwrenching to think about continuing to live this life without them#like. i just want to make them laugh. i just want to feel their arms around me in a warm hug. i just want to dance to their favorite songs.#i don't want to think of them and see their dead bodies anymore. i want to remember them healthy and smiling.#i would take care of them again in every lifetime but fuck dude. i just want to remember their good days instead of the end. can i please#please fucking invision them at their best. i want to remember the dad that played baseball and video games and whose laugh filled the room#i want to remember my grandma who was so sassy but kind. whose button nose crinkled when she smiled. who taught me to happily be dramatic#i don't want to remember them being frail. i want to forget the frustration i saw in their eyes. i want to forget seeing them struggle#(insert sadness about not remembering my mom at all)#just. fuck dude. my life is simple and i am safe so i shouldn't complain. but things feel so fucking hard sometimes. i feel so heartbroken
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fortjester Ā· 1 year ago
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alright so y'all know how im obsessed w the concept of multiple dead/status as yet unconfirmed characters reprising their roles in atn while harrow's in hell? i have this fic idea that will not leave my brain that's fully Harrow In Hell based. starring Harrow, ft. Naberius (full Prince of Hell mode; actually and quite literally a demon, whose mission status is currently to lead Harrow hella astray so she cannot ever leave hell, etc.) + possibly also Ulysses, Augustine, Silas & Colum, maybe Wake if i'm feeling funky, as her shitty dirtbag greek chorus tempting her into an existence of sin & suffering. likely a long character study w lots of one on one intellectual debates between her and Babs, or her and one of her dirtbag greek chorus members (a la the Divine Comedy), all culminating in Babs revealing to Harrow a way to view/contact the Ninth remotely, where Harrow discovers she can access any time in history on the Ninth that she wants. She eventually giving into Babs's taunting so she can speak to her parents (unseen to them, also not revealing her identity), and when she finds out they do not regret the creche massacre or whatever, she vengefully talks them into their own suicides or smth. in my mind, it is titled "whole damnation's watching you" (which is a lyric in "Word To The Wise" from Hadestown)
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oflgtfol Ā· 1 year ago
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it is really unfortunate the way suicidality is talked about nowadays because itā€™s either all a joke so itā€™s hard to discuss in a serious capacity or itā€™s so upsettingly serious that you canā€™t even discuss it without fear of like being institutionalized
#brot posts#im really glad to say this but ive had such a huge improvement this past month that like#for the first time in YEARS. i am not suicidal#dont know if its permanent but like it genuinely feels permanent because i have not gone this long without#thinking about it at least in passing#to go this long without a single thougjt of it at all feels like its permanent and i have to remind myself its literally been A Month#but anyway#sorry i saw a post thats only tangentially related to this but im like. irked right now#like its hard to stress this in the current har har i m gonna kill myself era. but like if you seriously think negatively about#people who are suicidal or have killed themselves; if you're religious and believe suicide is a mortal sin; if you cannot offer#any sort of reasonable sympathy for someone who is suicidal#then like. im sorry! but that is ableism!#it feels kinda wild to associate ableism with suicidality what with the current environment and weird funny-zation of being suicidal#but like legitimately. this is a mental illness. it is not a laughing matter and it should be met with kindness and an appropriate#level of weight that it deserves - not levity. not annoyance. and not brushing it off for whatever reason#im saying this with the clear head that i now have a month into zero suicidal thoughts after years of daily suicidal thoughts#having that stark contrast in the quality of my life really shines a light on just how utterly fucked it was to live like that#and it really smarts at me to finally reach the light at the end of the tunnel and then have people act like it wasnt as bad as it was#people who have never experienced it before themselves - like who are you to tell me my own life and experiences and illness?#to act like it wasnt even an illness in the first place?
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iscrubmeclean Ā· 5 months ago
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Oh my god i want to kill myslef so baaaaad
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29121996 Ā· 8 months ago
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#planets fucking my shit up again can i catch a break. seriously.#i cannot do this anymore. im losing my mind n im seriously suicidal AGAIN like .#why does shit ha e to ve so hard why do i have to keep fucking pushing through what is ths point.#its 2#2:30pm and im wanting to die . sick i love that .#fucksake i cannot keep doing this. i seriously cant lmao if shit doesnt changs and get better within the next . week i am#going to off myself fr. its been 2months (actually its been longer but whatever)#trying to use loa to help myself n i feel lile its just making iy worse bc how am i doing everything right#or think im doing everything right. but nothinf has changed yet.#i want it to change . i cant do this#i cant b unemployed anymore. i cant be missinh him this intensely anymore. im so angrt and upset im#i wanns fucking scream.lol . i want to do stupif shit and wreck my fucking life to feel something that isnt this .#bc doing everything right and staying correct is getting me nowhere so far#ivw beem awake dor 3hrs and ive been sad this whole entire time. ive showered n eaten !#am . probably gonna ask irl if she . wants to come.to beach w me this afternoon so i can feel less shitty#and have company. while im Sugfering at least .#i dont know i dont. i get sad n suddenly deel like a vurden#even tho im NOT and she . probsbly wouldnt mind being there for me but .#i dont . h :( i just want this to end#brain keeps gettibg worse ! how am i supposed tocget better !#anyway whatever its fucking fine. ill be fine but hesus christ im so tired of going through the worst fucking pain#every few years / months . what is the point od all of this#im depressed agaon ik that . i have neen for nearly a mojth but . i dont.
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chucklechampion Ā· 1 year ago
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evening dedicated to The Horrors
#i just need to fucking vent man#i cannot fucking live like this anymore#i still dont have the tags for my car and its almost been a year#a whole year where i didnt go ANYWHERE but work and home and sometimes special occasions when i felt i could risk it#and the daily agonizing fear of being pulled over again and getting a ticket that i cant afford because i cant afford to pay for my tags#ive gotten one of those smart watches that can track your heart rate and stress and im genuinely developing a heart problem from stress#when i was driving home tonight i think i mightve had an arrhythmia which was a scary feeling#im going off of caffiene from here on out because im starting to be afraid that i might have a heart attack#im twenty fucking five years old and im so stressed and scared about money that im afraid of a heart attack#i miss being able to go and do things and just get out of my generally shitty house#i feel like i would be a totally different person if this was just finally taken care of#someone who doesnt feel like they need to hospitalize themselves because the neverending stress is making you suicidal#because it feels like itā€™ll never end and iā€™ll be scared and hurting forever#because how the fuck am i gonna get almost $2000 when im going through a garnishment#like i can barely afford to pay all my billa#fuck i CANT even pay my bills my mom is covering my phone bill this month#because iā€™d have to choose between car insurance or a phone#and god for fucking bid i ever lose my insurance#the level of fear i would have just trying to get to and from work would kill me#and the longer this goes on the more i wonder if that might actually happen#im smoking way more because im stressed. i cant sleep because im stressed. i cant eat because im stressed.#all things that preclude some pretty serious cardiovascular problems#i have a doctors appointment on tuesday to discuss my heart#im nervous for it but who knows#i have had an exceptionally high heart rate but maybe the arrythimia was just psychosomatic#my money troubles have completely stopped my life and i cant see a way out#i feel like im drowning and like im going clinically insane#i was outside sitting in our carport and a cop drove by and i was so terrified i spent 10 minutes hiding in an empty room#looking through the blinds to see if they were gonna come do something#i am so afraid that i have considered quitting my job because the commute is so stressful and upsetting
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original-punks Ā· 1 year ago
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šŸš¬
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zemnarihah Ā· 1 year ago
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i got pulled over and i have to go to court i think
#she came up and i was shitting myself and then she was like just letting you know you have a tail light out:) and i was so relieved and then#she asked for my license and then she came back and was like so your registration is super expired and im giving you a citation. and you#have to call this number#and theres no fine listed but like. i think i literally have to go to court. and theyre definitely giving me a fine there right? idk i#looked it up and i think the lowest i could possibly get is 200 dollars but it could be like a thousand.#it literally says that if i dont call they will issue a warrant for my arrest how fucking insane is that#the cop had a tattoo on her arm that said 'ill keep you safe' keep me safe from what my big bad expired registration#keep me safe from having a good day. or having a savings account. cool thanks#do you think if i like. fake my death and name her in a suicide note and like put in it that my last wish is for someone to tell her it was#her fault. that would probably sufficiently emotionally scar her right#also im kind of worried abt my job i think they did background checks when i got hired and idk if this is smth that would effect it but lik#its not just a ticket i think its literally a crime. like i think i have a record now and i dont know if im allowed to HAVE that at my job#im probably just doom spiraling ik but like.#i just feel so STUPID like i knew it was expired i just keep forgetting and putting it off and oh ill try and do it in the next couple week#and ive been doing that for MONTHS#but also WHY is it that serious who CARES if a vehicle is registered. does it literally matter at all like genuinely how could it effect ou#society. like how am i harming anyone.#whatever. im an outlaw. ive been watching cowboy movies and romanticizing outlaws so i guess this is what i get. im an outlaw and i am goin#to go register my car.
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gfd-cleric Ā· 2 years ago
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pastelpolitoed Ā· 2 years ago
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catatombi Ā· 5 months ago
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beware of fang
Hey, im gonna say it outright and state that this is a call out. people get called out for being dangerous. fangs nearly pushed 3 people to commit suicide(including myself) and i had to be hospitalized because of him, so this feels justified. Im sorry if you disagree, ill keep it short and to the point If youā€™ve been a long time follower of his im sure youā€™ve seen his vague posts about his ex friends, the cotl tumblr community and ā€œfandom dramaā€ with little to no context behind it, other than various people appearing on his DNI. his vague nature in the posts is intentional, he doesn't want to let on that he was abusing his friends. Ive tried time and time again to write something but it never seemed right, like what heā€™s done to me and my friends wasnā€™t severe enough to warrant something like this, but it is and i don't want to let this go any longer, esp not when he has my friends, their names, usernames and literal contact information in his DNI list Over the last year ive been friends with fang hes been horrible. Hes never changed and refuses to acknowledge what hes done to his friends and how horribly he has hurt them, to keep this short im keeping this bullet pointy Here is his carrd, he has everything neatly outlined for yall to block on every platform Dont harass, dont contact. all of this is public information so https://web.archive.org/web/20240713073710/https://fanged-info.carrd.co/#boundaries
https://fanged-info.carrd.co/ Twit: FFANGEDD / narilamb_ / mewhenimsilly Insta: ffangedd / narilamb Tumblr: ffangedd / fanged-cotl / fanged-xeno Cara: narilamb Blusky: fanged / narilamb Itaku: fanged Artfight: FANGED Toyhouse: FFANGEDD Sheezy: fanged Discord & telegram: narilamb All the people mentioned have given consent Cw !!! abuse, suicide, self harm https://drive.google.com/drive/u/2/folders/1MLMOT-qvgrX-9NnUEgpl4AkEPfixy2wG
The drive is a bit out of date, as I logged it all before april. Hes posted more awful shit and vented to me again since then Feel free to request the letter i wrote to him, i might share it anyway because it sums up my thoughts on the matter If you want any additional context feel free to ask
Fang uses suicide and self harm threats to control and manipulate his friends, hes begged me for assisted suicide and when i refused to help him commit he begged in groupchats. He begged on instagram stories as well as twitter, so much so that his twitter for suspended for 12 hours. He has admitted to wanting someone to commit suicide with him and has previously formed suicide pacts and nearly followed through on one with a friend. fang backed out first. he continues to redirect blame. refusing to take accountability for his actions. He still blames his previous medications, his ex psychiatrist, his self diagnosed BPD & OCD, psychosis, and states of beings from disorders he doesn't have (claiming to be manic or sociopathic whilst not having bipolar1 or ASPD) fang blames his (ex)friends, claiming they were projecting their mental illness onto him when they were just reacting to his abuse, that they the ones in the wrong and that how they treated him/cut him off was vile and unfair, and believes that he never got real closure when he did. it just wasn't what he wanted to hear and now feels entitled to an apology from these people when all heā€™s ever done is traumatize and terrorize them. He describes the amount in which he has cut over pavi, wart and kat because what they put him through and how they traumatized him. The traumatizing actions were: Kat asking for a content warning, pavi didn't want to walk on eggshells anymore and blocked him without an explanation & wart blocked him after being emotionally abused for months Hes described how he would carve their names into his thigh and told me that he will carve my name into his skin when i leave too. He demanded wart and surf choose their ā€œreal friendsā€ and cut off their community for him because fang hated that they were being ā€œtwo-facedā€ and hanging out with ā€œpeople who hate himā€ He would spend hours venting relentlessly and graphically in his friends DMs, demanding their time and attention and expecting immediate replies. His friends are not professionals and shouldnt be expected to be an on-call DIY therapist for him, for hours, without consent. Fang has said he is completely unwilling to self censor for other peoples safety fang has vented to a 13 year old (they were not hiding their age) He referred to me (and our friends) as a phone person, a voice, icons. Concepts he can talk. Completely dehumanizing everyone that cared about him even to their faces. He blames his ex friends for his poor mental health and has said he wishes they watched him commit suicide, he wanted his friends to be traumatized from this (as if they werent already.) When a friend posted a screenshot of a gamenight to tumblr he had a breakdown so severe and so dangerous for so long that several of his friends has to mute the DM to keep themselves safe from his verbal abuse and suicide/SH threats He doesn't care about how triggering any of this can be for someone and will subject anyone (including people in danger) to his ā€œventingā€ He didnt care about triggering me and contacted me at the worst of my suicidality in january and exasperated the danger i was in so severely I had to be hospitalized against my will before I could commit suicide.Ā 
Im honestly not entirely sure what to even think. he knew the severity of my suicidality. he knew I had been hospitalized for an attempt in 2022, and still he chose me, probably the most vulnerable of his friends at the time to vent that heavily too back in janurary Hes a dangerous selfish person whos proven over and over that hes not getting better and isnt willing to change, i honestly had hope when he slowed down his graphic vent posts and victim blaming on twitter and insta but he decided to say fuck all and get right back into his shit train of shame and misery. Heres a link to all of the screenshot, damning ones are in important bitz if youā€™re not interested in going through them all https://drive.google.com/drive/u/2/folders/1MLMOT-qvgrX-9NnUEgpl4AkEPfixy2wG in these screens alone he: admits to sending his cuts to his friends, threatens to cut if i leave, admits that he was going to go through with a duel suicide and begged me for assisted suicide
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warts screenshots v
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full screenshots & complete context in the drive as for him claims that i was stalking him: i was scared, i was his friend. i tried so hard to be good enough and never was. the screens were a by product of confiding in my friends about what was happening and the drive was made to share w/ them i admit i prolly shouldve combed out some of it but, ykno also big phat apology for tagging cotl!!!!! only did bc fang has, please stay safe everyone, and thank you so much if you have read everything (the doc encase anyone was wanting it ! figured i;d just use tumblr regular posting method) https://docs.google.com/document/d/17QjXUEdQVd8c4GZS--vPo-xR3kgmoLl4ZmN3ROMutg0/edit?usp=sharing
edit as of 8:30pm 7/17/24 here is a link to pavi's response warts response and kats response
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