#only taught me techniques to focus or like work harder or whatever

[syrenki]

i teally think i just waited too long to get help or anything like that, im just. like. past the line. im in another world now basically. in another fucking dimension. im effectively dead. and the fucking psychologist who was my last stupid naive hope isn't even texting me back about meeting a second time. i feel so fucking stupid begging. so pathetic. but its all the more confirmation ive needed that its just, no, its fucking done for me

[airi-p4]

Ice Dreams - Chapter 1

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | ...

Lukanette Figure Skating AU? Lukanette Figure Skating AU.

I’ve been planning this for more than one year already ( @mamanabeille​ knows ) but Freya’s recent art for me fueled me to finish the first 2 chapters (out of more than 60...)

Header art is traditional art drawn by me about one year ago - Full pic HERE.

Summary

Despite being very talented and loving to skate, Marinette is determined to quit Figure Skating after the lack of decent results and the great amount of stress and pressure on her shoulders.

On the other hand, Juleka and Luka are average skaters in pairs category who, after years of hard work, have finally started showing some good results. But suddenly, Juleka is forced to retire, leaving Luka at the verge of retirement because of his need for a partner.

Can Juleka convince Luka and Marinette to give figure skating a second chance? Can they form a bond strong enough to reach the top and accomplish their dreams? Could something more than partnership spark between them?

AO3

________________________________

CHAPTER 1: Marinette

Figure skating can appeal to people for many reasons: the competitive part, the artistry, the music arrangements, the performances…

For Marinette figure skating was everything- her whole life.

When she was happy, she would love to skate. When she was sad, skating never failed to cheer her up. She was athletic, flexible and talented, gifted by both technique and artistry, as well as tenacity to work hard and never give up. Skating was an irreplaceable part of her life.

WAS.

In past tense.

Because even when it’s pleasant to watch the beautiful programs the skaters have to offer, there’s something that never changes during competitions: the scores are what really matter. Fail one element and you're screwed. Keep the program perfect but with minimum difficulty, you're off the podium. Do perfect in practice but fail in front of the judges: it's over.

This was Marinette's case.

Recently, consistency always failed her in competitions, and it had been a letdown to see how the past seasons had been going blank for her, without any outstanding accomplishment, despite her being on top almost all of her childhood. Her effort, and full potential didn’t show off on her competition results.

Marinette's parents and her coach, Miss Bustier, associated her disappointing results to her mentor’s and grandmother’s passing. But Marinette was well aware that the main reason behind her failures wasn't only how much she missed her granny; the real cause had a girl’s name: Lila Rossi.

It had already been 2 years since Lila joined her training classes under Miss Bustier's teachings. And everything had gone downhill after that.

It's not that she hadn't already been enduring bullying from Chloe Bourgeois, but Lila's bullying was at a whole different level.

The pressure, the expectations, the stress, the bullying, the injuries and damaged property, the struggle her parents went through to pay for her classes and competitions, how she had to sew her own dresses because she didn’t have the money to buy them, how she almost had no friends left... Everything piled up for years and made her finally crumble. Her skating consistency was affected and led only to constant failure.

In the end, she was exhausted, and no matter how much she loved ice skating, she reached her limit. She surpassed her limit.

Lila Rossi had won.

For two weeks now, since her last failure at a National Competition, Marinette had been skipping her skating classes. Coach Bustier was always exceptionally kind to her, and had been considerate (in her own way) this time as well, suggesting she take a few days to rest and get back again when she felt confident again.

But Marinette didn't intend to return under her coaching. Instead, she had set her mind to resign from her classes and, probably, even quit figure skating too.

She couldn’t take it anymore.

The most talented skater of the decade was seriously considering quitting skating for good. And it made her sad, but she couldn’t see any other way out of the spiral of failures she was caught in. No one was there to get her out of the dark hole she was buried in.

She certainly didn’t expect a second chance in figure skating.

_________________________________

During the days she didn't go to her classes, Marinette always spent her time at the Miraculous Ice Skate Rink, where her 'grandfather', Master Wang Fu worked as a manager, taking care of the installation and the opening and shutting down hours, along with the material to rent and the tickets for open to public times. Being her mother’s uncle, she had been babysat by him and his wife since she was a little kid. It was, in fact, Marianne Lenoir, was the one who taught Marinette the skating basics and the one who made her start practicing and love figure skating since she was 3 years old.

Marinette loved her grandparents a lot, and the passing of Miss Lenoir still pained her everyday. After her tragic loss, they became even closer, especially when Master Fu gave Marinette his late wife's earrings as a memento - he knew she would have given them to her at some point, since she loved the dark-haired girl a lot. And with no children on their own, Marinette was the closest they had to a daughter or granddaughter. Marinette had promised to treasure the earrings. They had a ladybug’s design engraved on them, only visible when light illuminated themfrom a certain angle. They were very mysterious and unique, and Marinette had loved them since her eyes had fallen on them. After becoming their owner, not even once she took them off. She felt the luck on her side as long as she wore them.

Except, that wasn’t the case anymore.

Marinette had her own theory of how Lila might have corrupted them when she touched them once, since all her luck was now gone from her side from that moment onwards.

On the ice, Marinette skated a little. But when she attempted to jump, a memory of her last competition crossed her mind and she fell down. Instead of standing up like always, she stayed seated on the floor, tears falling down her cheeks.

"Marinette! Are you ok? Did you get hurt?" asked Fu, worried. Rushing (as much as his old legs allowed him to) to aid her.

"Master-! I- I-... I can't skate anymore!" She broke down to cry even harder.

"That's not true, Marinette. You're just feeling discouraged now because of your recent results in competition. It's normal to feel like that. It will be ok"

"No Master…  It's not just competitions… It's everything… Lila, Chloe, my coach, my parents, my friends…and I miss Granny Marianne so much... I'll never be able to follow her steps now… I should just be realistic and give up..."

"Don't say that, dear. You have luck on your side. Like a ladybug. Lady Chance. You are talented enough to overcome this. I’m sure Marianne would be proud of you, even if you don't follow her steps. And you know? There's no need to compete if you don't feel like doing it. Many people just skate for fun or minor competitions. I’m sure the future has good things prepared for you. You just need to keep moving and you’ll find the right path to follow. And whatever you choose to do, we'll be proud of you. The doors to this ice rink are open for you to come whenever you want to"

That's right. She could skate without competitions. She could focus on something else and have skating as a hobby. Maybe she could make a living out of a figure skating outfit designer…

It was settled. She was quitting. And she was telling her parents tonight.

"Thank you, Master. I know what I want to do now" she answered, giving him a heartfelt hug. Fu smiled at her and patted her back a little, happy to see her smile was back on her face and how his granddaughter's tears had finally stopped.

___________________________

Marinette was very nervous when she arrived home. She tried to sneak to her room without being noticed, but her mother had been waiting for her, with a deeply worried expression on her face. Marinette gulped. 'She has probably found out I've been skipping my classes' she thought, but her mother's mind was focused on something else- more serious. Something the girl didn’t expect or could have imagined.

“Marinette. Calm down and listen to me. Are you still friends with Juleka?”

Marinette blinked: that was not the question she expected. She sighed before answering, confused about her mother’s unusual distress.

“Yes, mom. It’s been a long while since we’ve last seen or talked to each other, but she is my friend”. She paused for a second. “Why do you ask? You’re scaring me...”

Sabine Cheng took a deep breath before answering “Marinette… Juleka is at the hospital”.

Marinette’s mother’s grip on her shoulders wasn’t strong enough to keep the girl from jumping in shock, neither stopped her from panicking a second later.

“What!? What happened to her!? Is she ok!?”

“Calm down, Marinette. She’s ok. She just fainted. She…” Sabine paused, hesitating, before continuing with the explanation. “She’s been diagnosed with an eating disorder”

Marinette felt a rush of mixed feelings forming inside of her: but between sadness and worrisome, anger was the first emotion to come out of her body.

“No…! No way! I’m sure it’s all Chloé’s fault! She used to make mean comments about her body since we were little. Her ideas must have grown bigger in Juleka’s mind! Just because she was taller and larger than many of us…! And now Juleka is…! Juleka is…!”

The spiral of emotions she was feeling ended up falling in the form of tears, again, in a crying whimper. Sabine, worried for her daughter, cupped her cheek and let her cry until she calmed down a little. It was not easy for her to wait patiently to ask her what she had really wanted to know after she had heard about Juleka’s condition, but she knew the girl needed to let it out, even if it hurt her to see her daughter crying like that. It almost felt like there was something more behind the salty water spilling from her eyes, but she remained silent until her sobbing sounds ended, being engulfed by the silence of the living room. When the wait finally was over, Sabine Cheng spoke again, looking straight to her eyes.

“Marinette, I need to ask you something. And please, be honest with me" Marinette gulped and nervously nodded. "Are you eating properly? You’re not throwing it out, aren’t you? I know you’ve always been thin, but I can’t help it but worry about you… You know how common eating disorders are in figure skating… And with what happened to Juleka and how discouraged you look recently…”

Marinette tensed at her mother’s question, more offended than shocked. “Of course not, maman! I’m properly eating what you put on my plate! I would never waste what it takes you so much work. I’m grateful I always have freshly baked bread on my plate”

Marinette’s mother relaxed at her daughter's answer, hugging her.

“Good. That’s good. I’m so glad. So relieved. Thank you, Marinette”. She spoke again after breaking the hug. “I think you should pay Juleka a visit. Here’s the room number and the hospital address. You should be there for her”

“Thank you for telling me, maman. I’ll visit her tomorrow morning”, the girl said, grabbing the paper with Juleka’s hospital contact from her mother’s hand.

“Good girl. I’m proud of you”

“Thank you, maman…” the twin-tailed girl managed to answer, feeling both happy and nauseous for the trust in her mother’s eyes. The thought of seeing disappointment on her parents' face terrified her.

‘No… I definitely can’t tell my parents yet…’ she thought.

_______________________

When Marinette arrived at Juleka's hospital room, she wasn't alone. The door was partially opened and she saw a blue-haired boy standing beside her. As soon as she knocked on the door, the boy noticed her and approached, with an interrogative and sad expression on his face. He was handsome despite his sad expression, Marinette thought, distracted for a second.

"I- I'm- Juleka...?" She managed to say, and the boy just nodded.

“Juleka, you have a visitor. I’ll let you two talk privately" he said, turning his head to the girl in the bed. "Thank you for coming,” he solemnly told Marinette before leaving the room.

“Thank you” she said when getting inside, without looking at him.

It had been a while since Marinette had talked to Juleka. It had been more difficult to keep in touch after she switched to pairs skating some years ago, even if they still exchanged messages and hung out together sometimes.

“Juleka, how are you? I heard you fainted and…” Her feet moved slowly towards her friend as she greeted her, but she gasped when she saw her figure: she couldn't be healthy looking the way she did.

“Marinette. Thanks for coming” Juleka weakly smiled.

“Juleka, look at you! You look so skinny! You have to eat! You shouldn’t listen to what people or magazines say, it’s dangerous! You need to be healthy.”

“I am healthy" she assured her, but Marinette's worried eyes made her admit her problem. "But… you’re right. There’s no need for me to keep throwing out my food. I’m retiring from figure skating”

"What?" Marinette gasped, and Juleka reaffirmed her words with a nod. “Oh no, Juleka! I know you loved it… I’m so sorry for you…” The baker's daughter sympathized.

“It’s Ok, Marinette. Thank you… I’m actually more worried about my brother. We were a team and now his dream is crushed because of me… He can’t compete without a partner and… I’ve wasted everything…”

“Oh, Juleka…”, she warmly hugged her friend.

Not wanting to talk more about her eating disorder, Juleka asked Marinette a question.

“What about you, Marinette? How are things going? Are you getting closer to your dream? You were always first place no matter what! I bet you’ve been improving and setting even higher scores by now. I wouldn’t be surprised if you could even land a triple axel!”

“I can land it, actually! It’s just… for some reason I can’t seem to land any of my jumps lately during competitions… I keep failing over and over… and then there’s Chloé and Lila… You know… I’m thinking of quitting…” she said in a sigh.

“Oh no, Marinette! You can’t quit! You are the most skilled and talented skater I’ve ever seen. Your scores as a child were in another league! You are bound to make history in figure skating, I know you do. You can’t quit!”

“It’s not a matter of skill anymore, Juleka… It’s a matter of results and wasted effort. I just… I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep my parents overworking to pay for my skating classes with me failing every single jump in competition. I can’t look at their disappointed looks every time I fail their expectations. And Lila’s bullying only keeps escalating while my coach never believes anything I say… I’m not motivated anymore. I don’t have the strength to keep trying...”

Marinette looked devastated as she spoke. Quitting figure skating couldn't make her happy. Juleka knew she would be feeling even worse than herself. She didn't like to see her friend like that.

“Are you sure, Marinette? Because I think it’s a waste. You could win an Olympic gold medal if you aimed for it. It’s just… so frustrating…”

“Juleka…”

After a long silence, Juleka set her determination and faced a surprised Marinette with a serious look on her eyes.

“No. Marinette, I can’t let you quit like that! Look at me. I’ve been forced to quit because of my condition. I wanted to keep skating! I didn’t want to stop! And yet… you say you want to quit. My brother says he wants to quit. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!? You have no consideration for me or for yourselves!" She yelled and then paused to take a deep breath. "Marinette, look at my face and tell me again you want to quit! Can you do it?”

“I-... I want to… " Marinette paused, unable to lie. "I want to keep skating!" She finally admitted. "But I can’t anymore, Juleka! I’ve tried to endure it, I’ve tried so hard! And yet… Nothing! It’s just useless. What’s the point when I’m starting to feel that skating is not fun anymore?”

“Oh no, Marinette, you can’t say that! You can’t give up your dream so easily. Who was that skater you admired? Your grandmother? Miss Lenoir? You dreamed of being like her someday! Graceful, elegant yet strong; sliding on the ice like if you were an angel coming from heaven, announcing salvation to all the graceful public crying tears of joy at your beautiful movements. I know you can do it, Marinette. You just need something or someone to…" Juleka paused for a moment. "Wait, I… I have an idea. Why don’t you try pairs skating for a while?”

Marinette was taken aback at her friend's suggestion.

“What? What are you talking about? I told you I want to… to quit…”

“No. Listen to me. You just need to try it out. You try, and I won’t oppose you quitting if you decide to do so after you’ve tried it out.”

“What’s the deal…?”, Marinette said, unconvinced.

“I want you to take my place. I want you and my brother to help each other recover your motivation, your goals, your dreams. We just got a decent score for international competitions and I… I messed up. He did his best and improved a lot. He could score high, to the top maybe, with the right partner… and I think you’re a better fit partner than I could ever be” she said in a weak sigh.

“But- I don’t even know your brother. And I’ve never done pair skating before! And most importantly- there’s no way I could fill in your place! Nobody can! I'm sure you’re important for your brother, and he doesn’t even know me! He won’t want me to pair with him anyway” Marinette protested.

“That’s my part. I’ll convince him to give you a chance. So I need you to give pairs skating a chance, too. You both still have a second chance in figure skating. And I bet you can reach the top in a few years'', Juleka smiled. Her eyes showed conviction in her words, but Marinette had doubts.

“Are you sure he-?” she started, but Juleka cut her, knowing how the question ended.

“I’m sure. Just give it a try. For me. For our friendship. I want you to skate on my behalf. Please... I’m begging you, Marinette. Just one week. One more chance. I’m sure you won’t regret it. No, I promise you won’t”

“Ok, Juleka… I’ll do it. Just one try. No more. I’m quitting if I can’t keep it up. Or if your brother doesn’t like me…”

“He’ll like you. He just needs to meet you.” she smiled in reassurance and Marinette hugged her.

Marinette, noticing the time, broke the hug and spoke again. "I have to go now, but I’ll come again next week. Get well soon, please”

“Thank you, Marinette. For coming and for accepting my selfish request. I’ll send you a message later.”

“Of course, you are still my dear friend, Juleka. Get well soon, ok?”

“I’ll try… Thank you for coming”, she answered, waving her goodbye. ‘Now I need to convince Luka…' she thought, eyeing her friend crossing through the door.

[shurelyasreverie]

Hello I hope you had a great day!

I have a small request for Lee sin or Master yi (or both!)

Imagine Lee sin being all serious, but he knows how to provoke the reader in a fun way! to try to hide the fact that he secretly likes you. 😳

And for Master yi I like to imagine you being like a "student", you help Wukong with the complicated teachings of Master Yi and always bring humor to the Wuju Master in the best way! leaving him confused with his own feelings. 💖💖

I'll write the Lee Sin idea since there's another Master Yi request but none other for Lee Sin 😊

Lee Sin x Reader: Distraction

Focusing on your duties and studies were becoming harder with a certain Shojin monk occupying your mind.

Word Count: 1329

It first started when Lee Sin asked you to aid him in mentoring a few new students in the monastery, telling you that it was beneficial in helping you become a leader and to also learn a few extra things from him. However it seemed less like a lesson for the students and more of a personal interrogation, whenever the students had a question, Lee Sin would immediately redirect it to you. Every time you stuttered or faltered, you would notice his lip quirk up for a brief second. When the lesson was over, you noticed how your eyes naturally followed his leaving figure. Trying to overlook whatever feeling was overcoming you, you continued your day as normally as possible.

The next case was when Lee Sin interrupted your sparring as you trained against a dummy. He provided constructive criticism which you respected and appreciated but his honesty was brutal. Every flaw in your technique was a weak spot your enemy could exploit, which Lee Sin explained with jarring detail. But before you could get too shocked, he entered a fighting stance and insisted that you would learn better battling him. Although he continued to exploit your weaknesses, leaving you sore and bruised by the end of the session, you couldn't help but smile through the pain.

The final nail in the coffin was when you were by the river near the monastery, gathering fresh fish as requested by the monks. Distracted in handling the fish that thrashed in the water, you didn't notice Lee Sin until he was right next to you. You yelled in surprise as he criticised how your awareness was lacking. You retorted that you didn't need awareness in the one safe place in Ionia before huffing and walking back to the monastery. As you walked back however, you realised just how close Lee Sin was when you noticed him. If he was any closer, you would've felt his breath against your skin, his warmth against yours.

You realised by then, you had fallen in love with him. In your mind, you let out a curse that you were certain would get you banned from the monastery if any monks heard you say it.

So here you are, a few days later, taking a deep breath as you kept your eyes closed in meditation. This method, a special technique taught to you by the Shojin monks allowed your soul to touch into the spirit realm. Although your eyes were closed, you were all-seeing, sensing every living thing around you. You embraced this connection to the other world, it took you a long time to reach this level of concentration.

“I know you're there,” you announced. Finishing your meditation, you opened your eyes to see Lee Sin standing in front of you.

“Ten paces,” he stated and you sighed in frustration. “Any closer and Noxians would've already speared you.”

“Thanks,” you stated, stretching the fatigue out of your muscles before getting up from the ground, giving him a mocking bow. “Fortunately, I don't need the spirit realm to see them coming. What about you, Lee Sin?”

He cleared his throat. Although his blindfold obscured the entire upper half of his face, you could tell his eyebrows were furrowing. “I have the dragon spirit. I am the living fire. And you?”

Although he wouldn't see you, a smirk naturally found itself on your face. “You're in an good mood today, joining in the banter and all. What brought it on?”

Lee Sin hesitated. “I thought you would need it. I sense your conscience is heavy.”

“What?” you turned to him.

“Usually you would sense my presence at thirty paces away,” Lee Sin observed. “However the past few days your connection to the spirit realm has weakened, it's been taking longer for you to notice someone's is around. Is something troubling you?”

“Nothing at all,” you said dismissively, turning your head.

Lee Sin tilted his head in doubt but you didn't say anymore. What could you say? You had been struggling with your focus as of late. Your thoughts were plagued by the very monk standing before you. You wouldn't dare admit it to him, though, there was no way he would feel the same. Although you worked and learned under the monastery, you didn't hold the title of monk, were they even allowed to pursue romantic relationships? Even if they were, Lee Sin was slowly mastering the fabled dragon spirit, whereas you were struggling to even get your meditation down pat. Lee Sin was naturally a serious man, but if you confessed, you might just be able to get him laughing.

“Lying won't put your conscience at ease.”

“I'm sure it's just a bit of a rough patch,” you admitted hastily. “I'll get over it, don't worry.”

“Very well,” Lee Sin nodded, his voice showing defeat. “But know, you can entrust me with anything if it makes you feel better.”

The voice in your head laughed at the irony.

“Thank you.”

Silence ensued as the two of you stood together. Your eyes remained locked on a dragon statue, the centrepiece of the meditation room. Intricately carved jade that had the dragon's serpentine body curl around the room, almost lifelike. Although the more you looked at it, the more you realised how it was a distraction. It didn't suit the humble atmosphere of the meditation room, it was far too bold and intriguing. Much like how Lee Sin distracted you as you humbly tried to go through your day to day life.

“Why do you keep bothering me?” You asked.

“Excuse me?”

“You know what I said,” you turned to him. “You always find a way to pop up in my day to day life. Either you do it on purpose or you are very, very lucky. It's quite distracting.”

“Do you not like my presence?”

“I didn't say that,” you hastily covered up, not meaning to offend him. “I'm just curious as to why I always see you around.”

“We are friends, are we not?”

“Oh,” you hid how your face fell. Even though you should be grateful for the assumption, you couldn't help but feel disappointed. “Yes. Of course. Uh, please, continue to bother me whenever you see fit.”

“Friends do not usually find each other distracting, or a bother. Distractions usually imply something else.”

You were grateful for Lee Sin's blindfold as you gawked at him. Was this man really expecting you to spell everything out and just admit your hopeless little crush? None of your years of training have prepared you for this challenge.

“I have to continue studying the ancient texts,” you said hastily as you stepped away from him, ready to head out.

“You are quite the distraction for me as well,” Lee Sin admitted. You stopped in your tracks, waiting for him to continue. “I hoped that being in your presence more would help me but it seems to have only worsened the issue.”

Once again you were left speechless. Were you overthinking things, reading too much into every word that came out of his mouth? Were you that desperate for him to reciprocate your feelings or did he actually feel the same way?

“There will be another sparring session tomorrow.”

“You want me to help out the students again?”

“There will be no students. Just us.”

You pondered for a second, wondering what the implications of this lesson meant. It went unspoken, neither of you seemed prepared enough to call it a “date” or call the two of you a “pair” but both of you seemed to flirt with the idea. To just be distracted by each other for a little longer, to be caught up in your thoughts and to only focus on him.

“I'm looking forward to it,” you replied, smiling. He smiled back.

[faangirl101]

Burning Heart: Pt 3

Burning heart masterlist

Pairing: Zuko x reader, Zuko x y/n

Tags: Enemies to lovers, slow burn

Summary: Raised mostly by yourself, you made a living for your youth years as a maid in one of the richest families in Ba sing se, Beifongs. There Toph, a blind young rich girl, taught you earth bending and also became your new family. Not that you would admit that to her. Together you escape Ba sing se on the back of a flying bison with the Avatar, in a mission to take back the world from the fire nation. But on the journey you didn’t plan to team up with the Fire prince himself, and you definitely did not plan to get butterflies around him. But you couldn’t possibly catch feelings for a fire bender right? They ruined your life and took everything of value from you. But you couldn’t lie to your burning heart.

Warnings: swearing

I thought that since Toph was actually blind now, feet burned beyond recognition, that she would go easy on me today. I was clearly wrong. She was quickly up on her feet again (pun intended). Toph had been teaching me earth bending in secret since i was a maid to her family so her tough teaching techniques were no surprise. She had me and Aang working to the bone before we finally, covered in sweat, got a break. Or more like I got a break while Aang had his next bending lesson. Fire. His first. I couldn't help my curiosity as I stood leaned against the closest wall watching Zuko in his professor role.  The balcony of the upside down pagoda in the temple was hot. Sweat was climbing up my back as I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand. Zuko seemed to catch Aang's hyper demaoner “I know you're nervous, but remember, firebending in it of itself is not something to fear.” Aang didn't meet his eyes but sighed deeply instead “Okay. Not something to fear”.Zuko nodded as he closed his fists. “But if you don't respect it”, he raised his voice so it echoed through the temple “it'll chew you up and spit you out like an angry komodo rhino!”. I held back the laugh threatening at the picture of Zuko with tensed eyes and a yelping Aang. Zuko clearly picked the “bad cop” technique when it came to teaching, just like Toph. He crossed his arms over his strong chest and took a step backwards “Now show me what you've got. Any amount of fire you can make”. Aang inhales nervously as he hesitates and moves out his arms. I can see fear in his eyes as they focus on the palm of his hand. A small, almost impossible to catch, cloud of smoke appears. But as fast as it comes it dissipates to nothing. The look on Aang was a blend of disappointment and relief.

Aang looked up hopefully “Maybe i need a little more instruction. Perhaps a demonstration?”. Zuko raised an eyebrow “Good idea, You might wanna take a couple steps back”. Even if he wasn't talking to me I obliged and moved further back. I hadn't seen him in action up close yet. I was unsure what to expect but that was definitely not it.  With a grunt Zuko opens his tightly closed fist to let out…. a flame smaller than the palm of my hand. Aang, supportive as he was, applauded at this disappointing display. Me? i bursted out laughing, finally alerting them of my presence. They both sharply turned to me, who was doubled over in laughter. “You might wanna take a couple steps back?”I wiped away fake tears “What was that? That was the worst firebending I've ever seen!”. Zuko did not take that mockery ease as he pursed his lips hard enough to break his jaw.  Aang interrupted Zuko before he could yell at me “I thought it was...nice”. He smiled slightly and shrugged which made it even harder to hold back my smile.

Zuko, annoyed at my amused face, tried to prove me wrong. He let out a loud grunt, which made a wave of excitement go through my stomach. But I pretended I didn't even notice it. His next three attempts resulted in very very small flames similar to the first. Defeated he glares frustrated down at his palms “what is happening”. Aang rubbed his head, trying to comfort Zuko “maybe it's the altitude”.I left my safe spot to move my way to them “Or maybe you can't firebend anymore, which is like the only reason we took you in”. Zuko’s burning eyes just lit my amusement more “oh oh! i call dibs on Zuko’s room when we throw him out”. Aang stretches his smaller hand out to stop me from upsetting anybody further. Zuko scrowls as he turns his back at me with clearly better self control than I thought he had. Time passes and Zuko keeps pushing himself with no improvement. Aang was sitting beside me on a broken pillar as we watched Zuko deliver a pointless blast after another. “that one kind of felt hot”, Aang bursted out as he got on his feet. I snickered at his comment, as I swung my legs against the pillar. But Zuko got angry, angrier than he had ever become after any of my comments. “Don't patronize me! You know what it’s supposed to look like!”. He was right, I had seen many fire benders but no one was as worthless as Zuko at the moment. “He didn't need to patronize you, you do that very well on your own”. Zuko aimed a flame at me that was even worse than his previous ones “Shut up!”. Aang held up his hands in defense “ Sorry, Sifu Hotman”. I bursted out laughing so hard it hurt the depths of my stomach.  Zuko raises his arms above his head and throws them back with a shout of frustration. Aang gringes at his sudden outburst. “And stop calling me that!”, Zuko yells which makes me laugh possibly even harder.

Night creeps up on us as everyone is getting settled for dinner. Even Appa has a mouthful of hay as he rests next to the fountain. Everyone is busy calming their rouring stomachs, everyone except Zuko. He’s leaning on a column with his arms crossed, looking down the cracked ground under him. He looks deep in thought with his wrinkled forehead, but no one seems to notice. No one except me of course. Suddenly he turns his head to the campfire as he makes his way over to where we’re sitting. “Listen everybody, I've got some pretty bad news. I've lost my stuff”, He looks below dejectedly. Toph, used to being accused of stealing by now, raises her hands above her head. “Don't look at me!”, she folded her arms “i didn't touch your stuff”. I giggle at her outburst and enjoy the view of Zuko’s ashamed face. He looks down again “I'm talking about my firebending. It's gone”. I cross my arms and throw my legs up on a pillar “as if you even had it in the first place”. Everybody around the fireplace sits up, different emotions painted on their faces. Sokka is the only one giving me a reaction as he pretends to fire bends with an annoyed face like Zuko had been doing the entire day. It brought a quiet shaking laugh from me. But my laugh quieted down as a clearer brighter laughter took place. Katara had her head bent backwards as her body shook from the laugh. Was Katara… mocking Zuko. It was the only time Katara had done anything remotely funny, but it still deep down struck a nerve that she was making fun of  him. It was my job. But I couldn't possibly be petty over such a small pointless thing. Everyone had turned their attention towards her, including Zuko, who had an annoyed expression twisting his handsome face. She held her hands up, hiding her face “I'm sorry. I'm just laughing at the irony. You know, how it would've been nice for us if you lost your firebending a long time ago”. Zuko gringed “Well, it's not lost. It's just ... weaker for some reason”. Katara held up her bowl and glared at Zuko over the brim “Maybe you're not as good as you think you are”. Both me and Toph, alike as we are, Made a hissing noise at the same time and met each other's eyes “ouch”.  Zuko ignored Toph's sarcastic smile as he brightened up with an idea “I bet it's because I changed sides”. Katara gave him another glare as she brought the bowl to her lips “That's ridiculous”. It was the first time I had seen Aang disagree with Katara “I don't know. Maybe it isn't. Maybe your firebending comes from rage and you just don't have enough anger to fuel it the way you used to”.

“Zuko has not been angry? then what have i been doing all day”, i smirked over at Sokka who returned the facial expression. He leans towards zuko and points a finger above “Easy enough”. He pokes Zuko with his shining swords hilt in the head and waist several times. Toph and I cling onto each other to not fall over from laughing. Zuko growles behind closed teeth “okay cut it out!”. Sokka's sword slips from his hands and is thrown above before falling on his head. Zuko sighs and rubs his nose “look, even if you're right. I don't want to rely on hate and anger anymore. There has to be another way”.

Sokka rubs his head in pain from the burst with the sword but no one seems to pay him any care. Toph takes a big bite from her food “You're gonna need to learn to draw your firebending from a different source. I recommend the original source”.I furrowed my eyebrows “I thought that fire bending's original source was pain, rage and suffering”. I didn't miss the way Zuko pursed his lips and looked down in something similar to shame. Sokka seemed to forget his head injury as he excitedly looked up “How's he supposed to do that? By jumping into a volcano?”.Toph shook her head and wiggles her feet “No. Zuko needs to go back to whatever the original source of firebending is”. Sokka's dreams of Zuko diving into a volcano is crushed “So, is it jumping into a volcano?”.

“I don't know”,  Toph puts her bowl down beside her “For earthbending, the original benders were badgermoles''. I remembered the many times Toph had brought me to the tunnels and showed me where she met the Badgermoles. That seemed like forever ago.  “Isn't the original fire benders Dragons? Where the fuck are we going to find a dragon just chilling?”, I looked up at Zuko who sighed deeply. “we are not going to, Dragons are extinct”. Aang shook his head “What do you mean‌? Roku had a dragon, and there were plenty of dragons when I was a kid”. Zuko's face twists up, as if he knows something we don't. “Well, they aren't around anymore, okay?”. I feel bad for Aang because he yelps at Zuko's harsh tone. “Okay, okay!”,he moved his arms in an appeasing manner “I'm sorry”. Zuko moves on his long slender legs to the fountain. “But maybe there's another way”, he looks away in deep thought “The first people to learn from the dragon were the ancient Sun warriors”.Aang who always seemed to think he knew the most since he was technically 100 years older than the rest walks towards Zuko. “Sun warriors? Well I know they weren't around when i was a kid”, Aang stood beside Zuko now. “No, they died off thousands of years ago. But their civilization wasn't too far from where we are now”, Zuko  tilts his head toward Aang “Maybe we can learn something by poking around their ruins''. Sokka mirrors my suspicions “So what? Maybe you'll pick up some super old sun warrior energy just by standing where they stood a thousand years ago?”. He backs up his question by flaring his hands around in a weird motion which makes me hit my forehead with my hand. Zuko shifted his weight forward. “More or less. Either I find a new way to firebend '', he turns his head towards Aang ”or the Avatar has to find a new teacher”.

When Zuko left with the Avatar, the temple seemed to become much more quiet. Haru, the Duke and Teo were on yet another exploration mission. Katara was worrying for Aang, while she cooked the same meal we had been eating for days. Toph, Sokka and I laid spread out, floating over the water in the fountain. The heat had been getting worse and it was the only way to cool down. Sokka threw a worried look at her sister.“What do you think Sifu hotman and smaller bald Kyoshi is doing right now?”, I asked as I sat up in the fountain. My soaked hair was dripping down my back. Sokka smiled half way “Zuko is probably pissed because his worthless Sun warrior plan is not working out and Aang is probably playing peacemaker and trying to calm him down”.  Toph smirked and splashed some water with her feet. Katara sneered at us and I wondered if it was because she didn't like that we were talking about Aang or if she was jealous that we were bonding better then she had done with any of us. I was guessing on the latter. “If you could have any original animal from any bend type, which one would you have?”, Sokka asked to change the conversation subject. Toph didn't even need to think  for a second “obviously the badgermoles”. Sokka looked offended “really? You would pick a blind disgusting rat over a flying bison?”. I inhaled dramatically “Blind disgusting rat?! That's my best friend you're talking about!”. Sokka burst out in laughter and Toph rolled her eyes ironically “ha ha ha”.  I looked forward, deep in thought “I hate the fire nation but honestly the dragon is the most badass”. Sokka lifted an eyebrow surprised “they're extinct, remember?”. Katara moved a spoon through the home made meal as she mumbled “i wish that the entire fire nation was extinct”. We all fell silent, like we mostly did everytime Katara opened her mouth. I thought about how different my life would have been if the fire nation didn't exist. I would still have my mom. I would have grown up with a present and loving father. If my mom had gotten good care while giving birth, instead of hiding in a barn from the fire nation, she wouldn't have died in childbirth. And if my mom hadn't died, my dad wouldn't have blamed me for her death. He wouldn't have been slaughtered by the fire nation when they invaded my home years later on the look for something we didn't even have. But I would never have met Toph. I would never have gotten so good at earth bending. I wouldn't have met the avatar gang. But I still closed my eyes and imagined a world without the fire nation for just another second.

by the look of Aangs and Zuos excited faces when they returned, I guessed it was a successful mission. I can't help but feel relieved that they're okay, and to my surprise I'm relieved for both of them. A sense of calm fills me when I see that they're BOTH unharmed, but I would never admit that to anybody. They're quick to get into positions to start demonstrating what the sun warriors taught them. They moved gracefully, every motion mirrored between them as yin and yan. Fire licked the sides of their bodys without hurting them, as if the fire and their bodies were one. I had grown up with the view of fire as a plot of destruction, a tool for suffering and power play. But now, in the upside-down pagodas in the Western Air Temple, the fire looked nothing like that. It wasn't violent. It was beautiful, I could see shades of blue and green. I could see all the colors of the rainbow within the flames, similar to the reflection of water. Or the sharpened glass in the depths of the earth. Or how air bent sunlight on a hot day. I could see all elements moving from the palms of their hands in the shape of combustions of flames. Deep deep down within my bones I could feel a yearn for the fighting of flames. A longing for the feel of the heat against my hands, that I quickly pushed down. Fire was dangerous, it was not beautiful. It was difficult to convince myself when I left the hole of lament in my heart. The rest of the avatar gang interrupted my thoughts with applause as the two got into their final postures. “Yeah, that's a great dance you two learned there”, Sokka bursted out playfully. Normally i would join him with a remark myself but i wasn't in the mood. My feelings were conflicted and I couldn't focus on anything else. Zuko seemed offended. “It's not a dance. It's a firebending form”. Sokka moves his fingers in a dancing manner “We’ll just tap-dance our way to victory over the Fire Lord”.

Zuko makes his way over to Sokka with a threatening glimpse in his eyes “It's a sacred form that happens to be a thousand years old!”. Katara crosses her arms “Oh yeah? What is your little form called?”. Zuko's eyes met the ground embarrassed “The dancing Dragon”. The gang erupted in loud laughter as Zujo gringes in embarrassment. I stand quiet, not paying attention to how Zuko turns to me. “You haven't said any mocking remark about our form”, he bent down to my level to try to catch my attention. “You mean your dance?”I ask and raise an eyebrow. He mimics my expression “Really? is that it?”. I didn't even catch his bait as I waved him away “I'm not in the mood”. As I moved away I felt Zuko's burning eyes on the plate of my back. “Since when is she not in the mood”, Zuko mumbled to himself, confused. I was busy thinking about how I had longed to touch fire. The thing that destroyed my life.

Taglist: @eridanuswave , @Whalerus, @keiko0, @emogril , @theblueslytherin , @bbecc-a 

[oohnoniall]

Hawk & Sparrow [Rowan Whitethorn x OC] - Chapter One.

WARNINGS; Fantasy violence, cursing, Mirima doesn’t have self-control and that leads to her burning out a Lot, Rowan avoiding his feelings, Mirima having no idea about her feelings, there’s a lot of feelings being avoided, power dynamics in the relationship.

Prologue.

        "Guard your left," his voice drilled into her very soul. Harsh, brutal, beautiful.

        Thirty years. Thirty miserable years of Rowan Whitethorn telling her that she wasn't good enough. Her control would never be what it should. She didn't have focus, didn't have the drive. He'd been trying to make her give up and go home since the day she had arrived. 

        All it had ever done was make Mirima go harder. She was stronger than she had been that day Maeve had found her. She didn't wobble when she used her power, didn't rely on surprise to vanquish her enemies. She couldn't surprise Rowan Whitethorn if she tried.

        Her blade came up to block his, guarding her left side as he had told her. 

        "Really, Whitethorn," she breathed out, sweat coating her brow. "You can't come up with something more imaginative? 'Guard your left'. Where's the drama? I'm missing out!"

        Rowan swung his blade towards her neck, Mirima quickly brought hers up to block it. She grinned at him, a feral thing with both of her elongated canines showing. 

        "Focus, Mirima." Rowan growled out, blocking her as she took the opportunity to attack his right side. "You keep that mouth and you'll lead an entire legion to their deaths."

        "Just because some of us can fight and compose poetry doesn't mean we're less focused," Mirima thought about pouting but figured that would send the wrong message. 

        A soft yelp did leave her lips as she jumped over his left leg. He was quick to use her jump to point his blade at the base of her throat. 

        "Dead." 

        Rowan lowered his blade, sheathing it as he stared straight at her. Her chest heaved, soft pants leaving her. Rowan never let up, never gave her a moment of peace. It was something that she had needed. 

        Mistward was different than Varnsway in every sense of the word. The quiet town was nothing like the fort. Messy, loud, full of those who couldn't wait to get to Doranelle or those who never would. She was one of those who needed to be trained first. Maeve did not need a hurricane set loose upon her city.

        But she was close. So close that she could taste it on the breeze. That elusive spot on the cadre would be hers. She would stand side-by-side with some of the greatest warriors that history had ever known. She would laugh with Fenrys, Gavriel would teach her how to heal. Rowan would be less of a stick in her ass.

        Not to mention getting to fight beside Lorcan Salvaterre. That thought kept her up late into the night, often filling her with shameless giggles that she struggled to keep hidden from Rowan during training the next morning.

        "You fight dirty," Mirima told him as she wiped the sweat from her brow. "You and I both know that I could've won had you not been a jackass."

        "The enemy will use whatever advantage they can," Rowan's voice was nearly dead as she wiped at the small dot of blood that had bloomed on her throat. "There is no such thing as fighting dirty on the killing field."

        "Oh so if I bite someone I will be seen as a hero?" Mirima's grin spread across her lips, lighting her face as though it had been hit by the first rays of summer.

        Rowan's scowl made the tattoo on his face scrunch in an awkward way. She knew better than to laugh. "No, you'll be put down."

        "You speak as though I'm an animal." 

        "If you go around biting people," Rowan shrugged just slightly as he looked at her. "You might be seen as one."

        "Don't be an ass, Whitethorn. It doesn't suit you," Mirima shot him a wink as she stretched out her arms. It didn't matter how many times she and Rowan worked, swordplay always made her sore. She was better with daggers and knives, better with her magic. Maybe a bow if she didn't have another choice.

        "Get back in position," Rowan sighed, pulling his white hair up into what could only be described as a messy bun. Mirima had learned the hard way not to tease him about it. Not unless she wanted to run until Luca was holding her hair while she vomited for the rest of the night. She shuddered at the mere thought.

        "How long are we going today?" Mirima questioned as she moved to get into their normal fighting stance. They worked more on hand-to-hand than they did on swordplay. If she could learn to control her breathing and her body, Rowan thought she'd be able to control the storm inside of her.

        "Another hour. I have business in Wendlyn."

        Rowan normally did not tell her so much. It made her curiosity flare.

        "You're not coming." He stated before she ever had a chance to open her mouth. "Now bring up your shield."

        "Rowan..." Mirima swallowed uncomfortably as she looked at him. "I ... I can't keep it up."

        "That's why it's called training, Mirima." The sardonic tone in his voice made her bristle. "Bring it up. I won't ask you again."

        Mirima stared at him for a moment before she gave a very subtle nod of her head. She took a deep breath, held it for a count of seven, and then exhaled for the same count. Slowly, water began to come up from the ground, forming what looked like an old wooden shield in front of her.

        The moment the shield had been created, Rowan came at her. He used his full force, never slowing as he brought his fists toward her body. The shield was supposed to be a way to anticipate his movements. She would block where she thought he was going. If the shield worked as it should, his fists or his feet would be repelled. 

        Most of the time, the shield was not solid enough for it to work.

        Mirima wore her bruises like battle scars. In some odd way, she was proud that she had survived each day of her training sessions with Rowan. Not many people would. She knew his techniques were brutal. That he would not stop until she was crying out for an end, or when he had to leave her.

        Rowan brought his knee up towards her sternum, Mirima blocked him with the shield of water. It held. He was knocked back a few feet.

        The smirk on his face told her that it was just the beginning. A wise woman would have fled in the other direction. Mirima was not a wise woman.

        "Come on, Whitethorn," she challenged with that feral grin. "Stop going easy on me."

        The challenge in the words brought a snarl from Rowan. She loved to make him angry, to see that animal nature come out of him during training. It meant she was a threat. Or at least that she was annoying. He rushed forward, lunging for her left side.

        She brought the shield down, ready to block his attack. 

        He feinted, jabbing his fist into her right underneath her rib cage. Her breath left her lungs, the pain bringing tears to her eyes.

        "Don't get cocky, Floros," he smirked at her. She wondered what it would be like when she one day wiped that smirk off of his face.

        Droplets of water fell from the shield, more began to run down her arm. She breathed in again, holding it and letting it go, praying that the shield would come back together.

        It didn't. One good hit and she was done for. One good hit and everything came crumbling.

        "I'm not cocky," she stated as the shield began to lose its solid form. She brought the water down on Rowan's head, watching as it exploded into a tiny rainstorm. "I'm good."

        Rowan scowled at her, water running down his face and soaking his hair. "How many times do I have to tell you not to do that?"

        "Twenty-eight? Not counting the first time." Mirima crossed her arms in front of her chest, moving to rest against the stump of a tree that one of her floods had broken. The flood had happened less than a month ago. The meadow was only just starting to go back to normal. 

        "Mirima," Rowan warned, his glare should have been enough to dry him off. "You need to begin taking this seriously. I'm meeting with Maeve in two days. Should she ask about your progress, I won't be able to tell her anything good."

        With just the word 'Maeve', Rowan could get Mirima to sober. She stilled, her arms falling to her side. Her eyes focused on him, on the water that was slowly dripping from his hair. She did not think about her own failings. How she could not control the hurricane that lived within her heart, nor how she could barely keep up during their drills in swordplay.

        She was getting better. But it was not good enough. Not yet.

        She had a long way to go before she ever became cadre worthy. She knew that, yet she would not accept it.

        "Can we go again?" Mirima asked, taking a few deep breaths to still her mind as he had taught her years before. She still remembered that first lesson.

        Rowan had been ruthless. He had put her through her paces, made her reach her limits and exceed them over and over again. She had thought about giving up that day, had thought that he was right. She wasn't cut out for this. She was nothing more than a girl in over her head. But she had stayed. She had done her damned best to prove him wrong every step of the way.

        She still felt like a girl who was in over her head.

        "No," Rowan shook his head, causing Mirima to scowl at him. "I need to leave. You'll be working with Fenyrs for the next few days. If he tells me you've given him any of the hellas you give me, you'll be running until your legs give out."

        "What happens if I give him a different type of hellas?" Mirima knew she shouldn't have said the words the second they came out of her mouth. She didn't like the look that crossed Rowan's face. Any trace of the handsome Fae prince was gone. Instead he looked like the killer she had always known him to be.

        "Then you'll wish Maeve never found you." 

        He turned his back to her, disappearing in the blink of an eye. Mirima watched the horizon for half an hour, just trying to keep from following after him. She knew for a fact that she would get in even more trouble if she followed after him.

        It had been a difficult lesson to learn. Mirima had trouble when she didn't know what was happening. It made her anxious, made her want to claw out of her own skin and release the hurricane that was constantly building inside of her. Rowan had made her shift time and time again to relieve the tension when he had learned of her restlessness. 

        Mirima still found it hard to stay still and silent. She found it hard to not rush after him when she wasn't allowed to. It took all of her resilience to keep herself from fleeing Mistward. That and the knowledge he would send her right back to Varnsway if she did. 

        "Mirima," Luca's voice pulled her from her thoughts. She hadn't noticed that she had walked back to the fort, her feet having listened to Rowan when her head had not. 

        "Hmm?" One of her brows cocked, her suntanned face looking over at the curly-haired boy. 

        "Emrys is about to lose it," he warned with a grin. "You're late for kitchen duties."

        "I am never late, Luca." Mirima scoffed, praying that he could not see the way she wanted to rush from the fort itself. Ride the winds and find Rowan before he did something stupid that might get himself killed. She knew he could keep himself safe but she didn't trust him to.

        How would she get into the cadre without him?

        Luca laughed brightly, taking Mirima by the arm and leading her towards the kitchens. It was a fairly normal occurrence. Since he had arrived, the pair had gotten close, mainly by making fun of Rowan Whitethorn at every turn. There was only so much scowling that they could handle.

        It was a miracle more people hadn't realized how easy it was to joke about Rowan in the silence of Mistward.

        The fort offered a sense of comfort to those inside of its walls. Even the restless souls of would-be soldiers could find solace in the stone building. Mistward was more of a home to her than Varnsway had ever been. 

        There were times when she missed the sea breeze, the scent of the salt on the air. When she missed sparing with her father, laughing merrily whenever she managed to block a blow or land one of her own. She missed climbing to the tops of the highest trees, watching as ships sailed into the harbors. But that had never been the type of life that she had wanted.

        Solitary. Confined. Alone.

        Mirima couldn't stand being alone.

        "There you are," Emrys' voice was warm, friendly even. She always felt more at ease in the kitchens. It was better than dealing with aggressive Demi-Fae males when she was cleaning rooms. "Do I need to speak to Whitethorn about keeping you too late?"

        "Whitethorn isn't going to be a thorn in our side," Mirima smirked as she washed her hands. "He's run off to Wendlyn for some mysterious reason."

        "I bet Maeve is finally declaring war," Luca piped up from his spot at the pantry. He was gathering the ingredients for dinner, whistling softly to himself as he did.

        "She can't!" Mirima cried out as she wiped her hands on a tea towel. "I haven't been let in yet. How can she hope to win a war without her greatest warrior?"

        "Oh yes, Mirima Floros the conquering hero," Luca stuck his tongue out, laying the ingredients down on the countertop.

        Mirima took up a position at the counter, taking a knife out of the great wooden block that Emrys' mate had carved for him. She twirled it between her fingers for a moment, a wordless threat to the young male who stood across from her. 

        "No one else could dare keep Whitethorn in check," she thought too much of herself. Anyone who listened to a word she said could tell. "We all know that I'm the only one who keeps him from growing stagnant."

        "Of course you are," it was Emrys who spoke this time. A smile crossed his features, making him appear like a kind grandfather from a mortal tale. "Little Bird, you would do well to remember that he's moved mountains. You're still struggling to move stones."

        It was Mirima's turn to stick her tongue out. Emrys laughed, filling the room with a vibrancy that she was sure would be a shade of the brightest yellow.

        "My shield is getting better each day and my swordplay is coming along," it wasn't. She was trying but Rowan was faster, stronger. She didn't have time to block and plot out his next move. She was certain he was trying to avoid her getting to that point.

        "You'll get there in time," Emrys assured her, stirring a pot filled with what smelled like Mirima's favorite stew. "You just need to be patient. Maeve will see you when the time comes."

        But Maeve had seen her. She had known what Mirima could do from the moment she had sat at her bedside. She was certain that was the only reason why Rowan had even been assigned to train her. A dream would come crashing down as soon as he returned from Doranelle. The hurricane had not been tamed. Doranelle would drown if Mirima ever stepped foot in the city. 

        Her stomach hurt at the thought.

        She said nothing to Emrys or Luca about her thoughts. She hadn't said a word about her feelings to Rowan either. She knew he would tell her it was a sign to give up. To make things easier on herself and go home, never to see his tattooed face again. She dreaded Rowan telling her that it was worthless. She dreaded knowing that there would be a time when Rowan lost faith in her. 

        She just hoped it happened after she lost faith in herself. 

        "Fuck," she cursed under her breath as she sliced her finger with the knife. Ruby red droplets of blood landed on the countertop, avoiding the vegetables by inches. She sucked the finger into her mouth, wincing at the coppery tang. She never should have been thinking about anything other than the knife in her hand. Rowan would have yelled at her for twenty minutes all the while patching up her finger.

        Rowan had a habit of making sure she regretted her mistakes while also taking care of whatever wounds she sustained. There had been many nights where he had sponged her forehead with cold water while reprimanding her for going too far. She wouldn't say she enjoyed those days, but they weren't the worst of her life.

        "Careful," was all Luca said. It was a far cry from what Rowan would have done. It almost made her miss him.

        The three finished cooking without any more injuries. She was able to eat quickly, wash up her dishes, and disappear into her bedroom.

        The room was on the third floor, high enough that she could see the horizon without too much obstruction. It was fairly basic. The same furniture that had been there when she had arrived. A single bed with a threadbare quilt that her mother had made for her, a washstand with porcelain basin and chipped pitcher, and a single oak wood desk that was now strewn with letters from home. A tapestry of Varnsway was hung above the window, blocking it so the sunrise did not wake her after a burnout. Different knives hung on the wall by her bed. Several had come from Rowan after good training days. Others were presents she had received during Yulemas celebrations.

        The room did not appear inviting, just basic. Bare. Almost cold. 

        Mirima thought it was perfect. It kept her from falling into a comfortable lifestyle. She was ready to leave at a second's notice, ready to run out and fight whoever she needed to. 

        She doubted she would ever want a stationary life. She had always dreamed of something ... More. Something grand. The cadre was her way to grand.

        Mirima sat on the cold stone floor, a sharp intake of breath at the feeling of the stone against her legs. The chill seeped through the worn leather of her pants. She would have to get rid of them at some point, but not yet. Not now. She'd wait until they had holes or one of the legs had fallen off at the knee.

        Soft breaths left the woman's throat, her legs crossing in front of her while her eyes fluttered to a gentle close. Breathing helped her to clear her mind, helped her to calm the storm that was warring inside of her. Even if it was not always the best method. She needed a chance to reflect on the day. On what she was going to do in the morning to prove herself.

        Mirima knew that proving herself would be more than a flashy shield made of water. It would be more than fabulous swordplay and witty banter. She did not quite know what it would take to be who Maeve wanted. To be who Rowan wanted. But she would find it at some point. She had to. Mirima did not know who she was. She did not know what she believed in, or if she believed in anything at all.

        All she had ever known was that she felt alive when she was using her magic. When she was in the midst of a fight it felt as though her blood was singing. She had always known that she was supposed to be a soldier. Someone who lived their life chasing that thrill, that singing of blood. 

        The closest she had ever been to a real battle was those raiders thirty years before. She didn't know if she had killed them. She didn't know if she had even stopped them. But that was the most alive she'd ever felt. Protecting the only home she'd ever known. Being the person she was certain she had to be. Mirima was still chasing that high again. She was chasing the feeling of being someone other than just a girl with magic that was too powerful. She wanted to be someone to look up to. Even if she knew it was a ridiculous goal.

        As Mirima opened her eyes, she felt a sense of calm wash over her. Fenrys had arrived at Mistward, his scent clear on the air. Tomorrow was a day of proving herself all over again. She was ready for it.

[lakkimi]

[TRANS] RollingStone Japan magazine interview - “FTISLAND’s Lee Jaejin’s story, a new challenge ‘the moment before I enlist, it is now’“

FTISLAND offers band-style music that is rare in the K-POP world. On October 9 (note: 2019), Lee Jaejin, the bassist of the band, has released his first solo album. Before he goes to enlist, he had made the determination to himself, “if you are going to go solo, now is the time”. Jaejin who was visiting Japan at the time had made the time to visit RollingStone Japan for an interview.

Korea is the number one idol powerhouse in the world. In the midst of the massive survival competition in the K-POP world, where there are more than 300 idol groups, donning intense hairstyle, makeup, and costume, and boasting unparalleled synchronized group dance, it is very rare to see a group of youths that are still faithful to the authentic pop and rock style and moving forward with it, drawing a line of difference between them and the others in the industry. This group is FTISLAND. As the group is marking their 10th year since they made their major debut (in Japan), this time, we will be featuring Lee Jaejin, the band’s bassist who has been by Lee Hongki’s side on stage. Unlike his lovely face and delicate appearance, this central pillar of FTISLAND is dropping a bold sound that is hard to imagine through his solo album, Scene 27. He had answered to the interview with RollingStone candidly in fluent Japanese without any need of the use of interpreter.  

―Following FTISLAND’s Lee Hongki to debut as a solo, is it something that you wanted for yourself?

Actually, since a few years ago, I have received offers from the agency, “Do you want to try out going solo?”, but I had wanted to focus on FTISLAND, so I had only been gathering ideas. However, Hongki-niisan will enlist in September, and in line with that, FTISLAND will go on a break, and I will follow niisan to enlist too. As soon as I complete the military service, I intend to focus on FTISLAND  again, so I thought, “if I want to do a solo, it is now”. I thought to myself that I might not get another opportunity to move one step forward for myself if I don’t take the chance to go solo now, so I got back to the agency, “I will work hard, let’s do this!”.  

―It feels like, your long-held wish has finally come true.  

That’s right. However, in the beginning, I didn’t have any vision as to what kind of music that I wanted to do for my solo... I don’t like the way that it sounds like an excuse, but we were really busy, so I didn’t have any time for it! (laughs) I have just written a lot of songs and done a lot of comebacks with them, gone to a lot of tv shows, and done a lot of live concerts in Korea, Japan, and around the world. I didn’t really have any time to think of the songs that I would want for myself. However, this time around, I have received a lot of help from the agency, I was able to make it somehow (claps to himself proudly).

―How do you want to express yourself the most as?

For me, I had always felt like I would describe myself the most for my FTISLAND-ness. After all, I have dedicated all of my youth for FTISLAND. I would propose melody and lyrics that I made from my point of view, and these ideas would collide with the other members’ (Lee Hongki (Vo.), Song Seunghyun (Gt.), Choi Minhwan (Dr.)) as they have strong personalities. That’s why, I thought, if I want to honestly express myself as a soloist, I would have to do the opposite method, making it “Lee Jaejin’s uniqueness as seen by other people”. I tried to extract how is Lee Jaejin seen by other people, from people who inspired me - the members, fans, family, staffs, seniors and juniors from the same agency, friends, colleagues, and people that are precious to me, and from these people, their impressions of me and advises to me are reflected in my music.

―So it was a reversed method, it is surprisingly quite out of the box. 

It’s because I have always expressed how I view things through FTISLAND already. Through my solo work, I actually get to have an opportunity to show another side of me, and I thought it would be interesting to show a mix of the Lee Jaejin that other people think of and the Lee Jaejin that I think of. That’s why, from my way of singing to the way the songs were recorded in the studio, I made it different than how I would usually do it.

―Is there any impression that other people have told of you that you found “eh, that’s unexpected!”?  It was when people told me that I produce high pitch voice easily.

―It’s because the audience always listened to your live singing attentively.

No, it’s not like that! (laughs) My role (in FTISLAND) is to harmonize with Hongki-niisan’s voice, so that it sounds nice to hear; however, if I sing using the same way that I did for FTISLAND for my solo release, it would sound strange. I’m still retaining my ability to control my voice easily. It turned out that all of the songs that I had picked for my solo album had higher pitch than my usual voice, so I thought it could only be done with adding in more breath and warmth than usual to my singing. It was really hard when I did the recording. Particularly, when I recorded for Love Like The Films, the key was lowered and raised several times, that we had to repeat the recording for 3 or 4 times, and the entire recording process took about a total of 6 days. 

―In the “Love Like The Films”, Hongki is credited under vocal directing.

Frankly speaking, image that I have of Hongki-niisan is “the bad person who never practices”. Of course, he is an excellent singer, he also does a great job as the band’s frontman, however, as fellow team members, I wished he would practice more. However, after he helped me with vocal direction this time around, I would like to review that. (laughs)

―Ah I see. (laughs)

For me, as a main vocal, I still need to find something that can stand out and be my point of attraction. I haven’t really calculated the way that I sing in the way that “if I sing a song this way, it will be delivered to the audience also in a certain way”, so I thought that Hongki-niisan who has had a long career as a vocalist would know more about it, so I asked him to watch over the recording. Lately, niisan is working hard practicing and he also has a musical coming up, he just has been really busy so I didn’t have the heart to ask him to do it at first. But our agency then said that “Hongki will give (vocal) direction to Jaejin”, so it was sorted out that way.

―So, that’s how he came in!

That’s true. In reality, the moment that he heard the song, he told me “This is Jaejin that is singing, but it sounds somewhat not right”. “This song is putting together the ideas that everyone suggested Jaejin should do” but “in this part, you sang this too softly, you should give more power to it, so the audience can still hear it clearly” or “in this part, your pitch should be more straightforward” - all kinds of possibilities that I wasn’t even thinking of. Hongki-niisan is very knowledgeable in techniques on how to “sound good”, he taught me these in great details.  

―As expected of the vocalist who has carried FTISLAND on his back. With just one added detail, the way that a song could be expressed could increase greatly.

That’s why, we were able to complete the recording of the song with satisfaction, I felt really grateful that Hongki-niisan was willing to help. When we asked him “please also look at the recordings of the other songs”, he replied “I don’t want to, it’s too bothersome”. (lol)

―Ah, that’s what happened.

It was unfortunate that he was able to only look at the title song, however, niisan was really busy that he didn’t even have any time to sleep. FTISLAND also was working on the preparation of our encore concert at that time, so it couldn’t be helped. 

―Then, Scene.27 is packed with all of the efforts poured into it.

Thank you. I hope the message could be delivered well.

―Other than that, are there comments on the album that you found refreshing?

I heard things like “R&B suits you well” or “you can take on Jazz if you work just a bit harder”.

―The voice that has a bit of huskiness in it, it is Jaejin’s voice charm.

I appreciate any feedback. I have prepared myself to accept any feedback, whatever it is, so I actually would be grateful if the listeners could give me a lot of them. Actually, in this album, I wanted to focus only on the vocal and let go of my bass. 

―And as a result, it purely shows Jaejin as a vocalist.

Please indulge in thinking of this as someone completely different, not the Jaejin from FTISLAND. I am challenging myself to take this opportunity to present myself as an entirely rookie solo artist. I also am planning to hold a mini live this coming October with band style performance, so please look forward to my vocals. 

―Your agency junior, N.Flying is also starring in the MV. As they played with so much fun there, the MV also turned out to be full of energy.

These guys were actually busy too, but for me, they deliberately made the efforts to empty out their schedules, practiced and filmed with me - “we will help niisan with everything!” and somewhat I felt “ah, this is the weight of being an older brother”. 

―You guys really have a good relationship.

I can only reply with “Me too, I will work hard!”, and paid them back through my (bass) performance. Actually, this is the first time that I felt such a proper give and take relationship with my juniors. I supported N.Flying by helping out in their live concerts, and this time, they came to help me instead. This made me feel such a brotherly relationship with them, that lately, I thought of how cute these guys are.

―In fact, you have been seniors-juniors for a long time in your agency, but “lately”?

Yes, lately. Originally, I am the kind of person to not really think of any other relationships other than with the FTISLAND members.  

I usually listened to anyone who asked me for counseling or just to share their worries, but I don’t usually feel that “we are one team at heart” with my juniors.  Honestly, in the past, I used to not to be too fond of N.Flying (smiles), I thought that they didn’t really put in enough efforts and seemed to be still too premature.  For me, I am solely the bassist of FTISLAND, and my team is solely FTISLAND - if we put it in the extreme, “I am only the bassist to FTISLAND”. However, lately, these guys have worked so hard and have grown rapidly too. I have come to “If it’s N.Flying, I can play for them too”. Now, they are such a team of cute juniors in my eyes. I’m not that great of a senior either, but now, I want to share with them and have talks on things that I have knowledge on or things that I can give them advise on.

―Why did you choose bass in the beginning?

I only realized recently, but I was an introverted kid when I was in elementary school. I didn’t have any friends, so when I entered middle school, I wanted to brighten up my image. I had started to have friends then, and they asked me, “do you want to make a band together?”. I didn’t have any experience with any musical instruments back then, so I only replied, “Sure, what should I do?”, and they said, “Drum and guitar are hard, so you’re bass”, and so, that’s how I started bass. Compared to guitar, it only has 4 strings, and I could just start by producing the “dung, dung, dung, dung” sound riding the rhythm, it was easy. It was also popular with the girls. 

―Most of bands indeed start with “I want to be popular!”.

For me, it is the case (laughs). However, it is for sure that it was how my life began. My sister is an actress, and she used to be under the agency that I am in now. She told me, “I think my agency is setting up a band, do you want to give it a try?” - she recommended me to an audition, luck was on my side, and I managed to debut. 

―You debuted in 2007, in the midst of the heyday of idol teams that sing and dance, why did FTISLAND aspire to be a “rockband” back then?

Actually, in the beginning, the aim was a multiplayer kind of band that can play a lot of genres. However, if we look at the world, there are a lot of rock bands particularly that are charming. The more that I immersed myself in a new genre, and the more that I practiced, I was captured even more by the rock genre, and swore to myself, “Let’s become a rock band!”, and here we are now. I am crazily in love with the kind of power that only rock holds, and the feeling of catharsis that one gets when they perform. I feel the pride of this band called FTISLAND that possesses the charm to suit not only upbeat rock music, but also are good at pop ballads, and any types of music.

―So, what types of bass that you like?

Currently, I’m mainly using SPECTOR, LAKLAND, and Fodera. However, when I am discharged later, I want to buy Fender.

―Are there any differences between doing activities in Korea and in Japan?

Honestly, I think FTISLAND can best demonstrate 1000% of their charms in Japan. In Japan, we really feel that we can play comfortably and with a peace of mind. As stages and sets in Korea are centered around idols and hiphop, there isn’t many place where we can perform as a band properly, so honestly, we have had a hard time because of this. There is also the case where we don’t have much choice but to give up the (musical) direction that we want. So, when we want to perform properly to the audience in Korea, we got our PAs, sound directors, concert managers, and staffs that we trust in Japan to come to help. Doing major debut in Japan and actively promoting there is highly regarded in Korea. The home of the rock genre is the US, and so I don’t know if it’s a country thing, but the staffs there (in Korea) seem to just have “Going my way”-like mindset to them. There have been instances where it was hard when we tried to request something when we had performances. For example, when we asked them “please slightly raise the volume of the kick drum in our ear monitors, and please make the bass sound harder” or something like that, they would reply “Is that necessary?” or the like. They did follow our request, but I guess if we think about it, those who think that these kinds of exchanges are what rock is all about and those who enjoy these, thinking that these are merely differences in culture and way of thinking, are those that are winning.(smiles) 

―I love that you are looking at it positively (smiles). Now, what are your dreams for the future? 

If I get to be a bit richer, I dream of building a nice livehouse in Korea. It will be an ideal place, where performers can perform properly, and audience can listen to music properly as well.

―In a RollingStone Japan interview too before, Hongki also said that he wanted to build a music studio.

That would be nice! However, for Hongki-niisan, even if he does build a music studio, I think all that he does there will be just play games. He would say something like “You guys, do your best!” and leave the trivial or bothersome things to us, and when he feels like he is in the mood, he would say “This is nice” when he does vocal recording. However, songs that are made in such lively atmosphere will end up pretty rock, so I guess everyone would enjoy such songs anyway.(laughs)  

~~

Disclaimer: Translated by Lu. This translation is based on the Japanese - Korean translation credited to fprit. Due to the indirect translation, inaccuracies are likely and possible, but I will also refer to the original article here to do double checks whenever needed.  

And enjoy Jaejin’s Scene.27 album here ;)  

[historicalfightingguide]

loved your recent posts about structuring classes, however as a fairly new fencer with no teaching experience im having trouble applying the same concepts to my solo practice. would you have any advice for solo drills, especially to someone who has never self taught? im guessing this is a common trouble in these times, with the quarantine and all.. thank you for all your posts!

First of all I’d be delighted to help but do consider I will be able to give out only fairly general advice here if I don’t know your specific focus in terms of weapons and systems you study. Feel free to message me unanonymously if that feels ok to you, or here again with such details and I can send you a follow up that’s more specific if this post doesn’t cover your questions well enough. Second of all there’s a fair bunch of footwork drilling that can be done solo that’s highly useful to beginners and advanced fencers alike. It may require more or less space and conditions to train in but realistically you don’t need an entire hall to train footwork solo, a semi-small room with a bit of space to move forwards and backwards can do the trick in a pinch.

And while different systems emphasize different types of footwork even if you were to only do solo training that focused on olympic fencing or boxing like footwork you could still apply a fair bit to historical fencing generally. That being said if you do have a specific source or weapon you’re studying do try and find the bits in the manuscripts or manuals you’re focusing on that mention footwork or general movement and try and apply that. It can be via set drills that do specific things, it may talk about principles you can try to apply with a number of different attacks or defenses you can drill with a sword, it may be good to do a sort of ‘shadowboxing’ footwork where you imagine an opponent and keeping distance. Hell if you have a wii or a VR of some sort you may even try and apply purely distance management with super basic footwork to games(bonus points if you try to use only that and not any actual combat mechanics to try and survive longer within a game). If that’s still too confusing try picking a few footwork movements that are the most basic(step forward/backwards,lunge,passing step for example) and try doing them only, without a sword or anything. At most just extend your arm before you as if you were holding a sword when lunging/doing a passing step but don’t focus on the arms technique. Then try doing them+a few movements that are related to or special versions of those movements alongside them. Then try doing the same at different stance levels,with your knees bent more or less-a deeper stance is harder on your legs but can be more stable and once your muscles adapt also a bit more explosive, tends to work better for linear movement, while a shallower stance allows some more options for direction changing and is easier on the legs but you’re less stable and generally a bit less explosive. Ideally you want to be able to use both. Which brings me to my next point - you can then try doing all those movements and every now and then switching the depth of your stance. Then you may try adding on forward/backward weighted stances(often called ‘offensive’ vs ‘defensive’ but they may also map more specifically to particular stances of a specific system you study) and doing the footwork moves in one, then in the other, and then switching from one to the other.

After that try switching your stance both up and down, forwards and backwards, first in place, then while moving trying to stay fluid. Then repeat the entire process while holding a sword. Try to go through it all with both a left leg forward as well as a right leg forward stance. You may go through it all with all the guards that exist in the system you study. First do it while standing in that one guard that’s easiest for you to hold or the most ‘basic’  one, then go through the entire set of movements within another guard, and then another etc. Then try switching between two or three guards while going through all the movements. Then try switching between all the guards while going through all the movements.

If the system you study has a lot of guards merely moving from one to another while standing in place first may also be a good idea. Doing it fairly slow at first, focusing on just moving and getting the grasp of the mechanics of it, keeping good form is good. Then slowly from session to session start always slow but during the session amp up the speed bit by bit. Basically what you’re doing in this example you’re taking a super basic set of moves and then building on from there with related concepts. You can do this within one session or you may spread it out over several training sessions if you feel a part of this feels too off. Don’t be afraid to go through it all unless you have some specific injuries that would prevent you from doing so.

The idea is basic step-step variants-stance variants-combining it all. You can apply this to cuts, thrusts, winding, etc.  You may want to go basic-a bit less basic-a bit less basic-complex etc. You may want to go basic-more basic options-a bit less basic-a few more a bit less basic options etc. You may want to combine the two approaches after a bit. You may want to focus on a set of cuts, thrusts and windings that may use similar mechanics within a set of drills,  working on one then the other etc. and then giving yourself options to pick between them. Or you may want to do the same with things that may be different mechanically but same or similar tactically. Important bits to keep in mind are not trying to do big jumps in complexity of movement, or duration of exercise, or intensity of doing so. Generally speaking you want to slowly increase it, one by one. Sometimes the sources give us exactly this approach, sometimes they don’t. If you can use at least bits from the manuals and manuscripts we study to apply to the specific workout session you’re planning that’s awesome, if not that’s ok. It may have to do  with the principles of the systems you study being trained through the exercises you picked, it can be about the specific motions and tactics described in the text, it can be about a specific detail of a movement you’re trying to get down. Many flourishes  do focus on basically giving you that option.

There’s more ways to do it obviously but that’s one of the ways I’ve found easiest. Another thing that’s easy to forget or that can feel weird when we’re on our own is time management. You don’t have to have a preset amount of time you train for but if you have the energy to plan stuff out I suggest you do so. Carving out a general idea of how much time you want to spend on what as well as the breaks to catch your breath in between can be very useful. Personally I like doing several minutes of training then a small break of a couple of minutes and so on for an hour or two. If you’re just starting out that sort of time table may not work for you and you may want to work just a couple of minutes, rest for a minute etc. and go on like that for half an hour. There’s no one absolute rule there but try to find a rhythm that works for you where whenever you’re training you’re actually training your fencing skillset, you are able to primarily(if not exclusively, these are hard times after all) focus on your goal, where you’re not primarily training endurance or some other form of physical capability( you can cross train and physical exercise generally is great but trying to mix it all into one thing can be counterproductive), and give yourself good rest times that don’t take too long either so that your body doesnt cool off and your mind stays on track without being overworked.

Always factor in some time for a warm up before working out - it can help put you in the right mindset and help relax and is good for injury prevention. And similarly it’s useful to consider a cool down period afterwords, a useful way to do so is to stretch. Do keep in mind that static stretching before active exercise is not good for you and may potentially be bad for you  That being said a warm up comprised of mobility routines and the like can be great, and using stretching after a work out can help sort of ‘finalize’ the session and help our body cool off slowly. It can also be a useful time to work on flexibility as well. Folks may worry about flexibility a bit too often compared to how useful it is in practice but it’s not irrelevant in martial arts and combat sports generally and the same applies to historical fencing. One can achieve the necessary flexibility through purely drilling fencing movements of various sorts however at such times we want to focus on doing the moves right and at the right time etc. so focusing on flexibility simoultaniously can be a bother. Working that bit out separately can help us in our regular practice that way. Also aside from getting books/pdfs of whatever system you study something that can be quite useful is Understanding Fencing by Czajkowski that focuses on olympic/sport fencing but gives you a framework that you can apply to create all sorts of drills(primarily but not only partnered ones) for basically any fencing system out there even though you may have to adapts parts of it. Remember to check out  A Guide to Starting a Liberation Martial Arts Gym

Also here’s a few pride-themed things to check out getting as well as a few related topics

And stay safe

And if you can consider donating to any of these causes.

Consider getting this rashguard or this one or something from here

We need change and justice for all.

This may be a useful link as well.

For anyone unclear on this Black Lives Matter.

Good luck everyone.

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Awake (Captain America AU)

Summary: Grayson wakes up from the ice only to find his world has changed significantly. Love is the last thing on his mind, but once he meets the agent assigned to him all of that changes.

Warnings: violence, fluff

Word count: ~ 1600

When Grayson went into the ice, the world was very different than what he knows it to be today. It used to be about family and principles, the right thing to do and now...there's a thing called hookup culture where he doesn't fit in with that romantic heart of his, the internet which is very useful but very complicated and confusing and people who use ships in terms of relationships and not transportation.

A very different world indeed.

However, some things remained the same. Men fighting wars over things that don't matter at all, people dying because they look different or love differently than some consider norm, and beautiful women he still can't seem to win over because he turns into a blabbermouth a second into the conversation.

It's what his best friend, his brother, Ethan used to make fun of him for. He knew Ethan would have a field day with the way he was rejected by his nurse before he could even ask her out due to him being too old for her....too old? He might be nearing his nineties according to the calendar, but he's far from old. He's still in his early twenties and very much in shape, still perfectly toned from his serum and then some.

"What did that punching bag do to you?" He stopped the punches, grabbing the bag with both hands, feeling the sweat roll down his entire body and his heavy breathing come in short puffs.

He completely lost himself in his mind, losing focus on the real world. He didn't even feel himself punching the bag or the soreness of his muscles and definitely missed the moment she walked in.

Y/N is a very skilled individual, she made sure he knew it the very day they met when she took him down in less than five seconds. Needless to say, Grayson was shocked. In all his time as Captain America, he never once lost a fight so fast and never to a girl.

She's also the agent SHIELD assigned to keep an eye on him and bring him in if he creates trouble.

Usually, Grayson would laugh at that notion, but he knew she could. No doubt about it.

And he absolutely loved that about her.

"Kissed my girl in high school." He pants out, turning around with a crooked smile reserved only for her.

Y/N is also the only girl who never made fun of his lame attempts to flirt, but she also never responded to them the way he hoped her to.

"Ooh, capital offense. Should I eliminate the target, Captain?" Y/N makeshifts a gun with her hands pressed together and the pointers targeted at the bag over his left shoulder.

"Stand down, agent." Grayson says, chuckling at her. He places his bandaged hands on his hips, blowing out some air down his chest to stop the oncoming river of sweat.

"Yes, sir." She quickly salutes him, her technique rusty and not at all proper, but appreciated.

"What brings you here, agent? I told Fury I'm done with fighting." Grayson states, starting to pull at his bandages to take them off. He keeps his eyes on the alluring woman before him, unable to deprive himself of such a breathtaking view. He's been stuck in the ice for seventy years and the last woman he cared about never got to know just how badly he wished there was another way.

He promised himself he won't make the same mistakes, but he's already running down a path of regret with Y/N. But if he were to spend more time with her, he'd have to return to his olden ways and face the blood on his hands.

Some day that didn’t seem like such a bad trade, others - it was unimaginable.

"You told Fury that, but not me. I am here to convince you, so what's it going to take?" She folds her arms over her chest and quirks an eyebrow, leaning on a column with her right shoulder.

"What's the mission about?" Grayson grabs a towel, wiping the sweat off his forehead and down to his neck as she tries to hide the lust his moves evoke. She'd love nothing more than to wrap her arms around his sweaty self and claims his lips as hers. She always found him to be devilishly handsome, but his disheveled sweaty look made it that much harder to keep her hands to herself.

"Saving a bunch of hostages and a couple of our own...I know the agents and they have families waiting for their safe return." Grayson noticed the subtle crease between her eyebrows and the almost quiver her lips made once they parted for a heavy sigh. This truly meant something to her.

"Personal experience?" He speaks his mind inadvertently, mentally face palming once she nods.

"Five years ago I had a husband and they killed him in cold blood two days after we got married. These are the same people and I'm going in there, with or without back up." She made it very clear and Grayson knew he wanted to help her. It wasn't so he could get a date nor to have her affection for him grow...he just wanted her to smile again for the lack of her smile felt colder than the ice he slept in.

He thought her to be glass, but glass is only brittle until it breaks. Once that happens, it becomes sharp and she's most definitely ready to cut and bleed.

"I'm in." And he kept his promise, picking up his shield once more and fighting the bad guys by her side.

He had trouble not staring at her as she tore her way through their enemies, all but tearing them to shreds. She's deadly as larkspur and just as beautiful.

"You think you're so special." One of the men coughed, blood spluttering from his mouth.

"So what makes you so special?" Y/N quirked her eyebrow at Grayson, taking a glass in her hand as she leaned on the wall calmly to catch her breath. She smiled, swirling the whiskey in her glass before downing it in one sip.

Grayson shrugs, shaking his head slightly with a faint, uneven smile on his lips as he admires the girl before him. She's unlike anyone he's ever met - in this life and the life he left behind after waking up from the icy death he was meant to find his end in.

"Nothing. I'm just a kid from New Jersey." His reply is simple and humble as he was brought up to be, but Y/N giggles, slamming the glass on the counter and throwing a shard at the man's throat. It hit the mark in seconds, drawing out the man's misery.

"Well, I am special. I'm special because I get to watch the life drain from your eyes and still have time to make a date with the handsome fella behind me."

Grayson shuddered in a mix of fear and admiration, but the words just now resonated with him. Even with all he knows about her, her obviously cruel tactics to take lives, but effective way of fighting, he still wants her - longs for her even.

"How about a dinner this Friday?" She smirks, glancing over her shoulder.

"You pick me up on that motorcycle of yours and take me dancing afterwards?" She adds, sweetening the pot.

"I, uh, can't dance." Grayson clears his throat awkwardly, realizing Margaret..Peggy never taught him as he never made it to their date.

"Neither can I, but we'll learn together." And with that, she pulled out the shard of glass and let the man bleed out, ending their mission.

"So, does this make you want to join the team? Saving people is hell of a lot better than wasting away in some old, dusty gym." She throws the glass to the floor, shattering it in the process.

Grayson swallows thickly, cocking his head to the side.

"Does it earn me a kiss from a beautiful gal as yourself?" He almost gasped at his own bravery in his advances, but he contained himself. He had to be confident to keep up with her.

She giggles, sauntering toward him. Placing her palms on his shoulders delicately, she leans in at a whisper distance from his lips. Even the smallest of moves would connect their lips and Grayson found it hard to catch a breath as her intoxicating perfume invaded his system.

This is far from what he’s used to considering this would have worked only on loose ladies in the past. It used to be all about words and charm, big romantic gestures, but he’s learning to accept his time had passed and a new age has long risen and he needs to adapt or wither.

She moves by his lips and to his left ear, reaching on her tiptoes.

"Not without a dinner. What do you take me for? A frolic?" She teased, enjoying seeing Captain America flustered.

"C'mon loverboy, time to go." She laced their fingers, clasping their hands together before tugging him after her.

She's going to be a lot of work, but worth it, he thinks.

If there's a reason to fight in this world, it is her, he's certain.

Maybe he can't live without war, but life with regret is far worse. So, in hope of changing his path, Grayson picks up his shield once more and the heavy burden that comes with it, willing to do whatever is necessary.

He's been out of the ice for month, but this is the first time he's ever truly felt warm and comfortable in his own skin in this day and age. And it's all thanks to her.

Tags: @xalayx @fallinginlove-16 @heyits-claire @accalialionheart

[camillemontespan]

skinny cappuccino with an extra shot [AU: drake walker x mc]

Was feeling down today so wrote this when I got home to feel better and I guess it worked. Fluffy AU, Cake style!

@jovialyouthmusic @pug-bitch @sirbeepsalot @moonlightgem7 @drakesensworld @dcbbw @notoriouscs @ifyouseekheart @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore @be-still-my-aching-heart @katedrakeohd @iplaydrake

Oh, also I was taught this technique for making cappuccino and  lattes when I was working as a waitress when I was 18 (you’ll see what I mean). Thanks for that, Jason. Creep (thought it did actually make me really good at making coffee?!)

 *****************************************************************************************

Monday

'So, the trick to remembering how to make the right foam for a latte and foam for a cappuccino is basically, treat it like a blowjob. If it's a latte, you really want to heat up the whole of the milk so put the spout right in the jug and do your thing, kinda like a deep throat. For cappuccino, focus just on the tip of the spout, which on my opinion, is the best way to do it.'

Drake groaned and rested his head on the counter as he listened to Leo 'train' the new girl at making coffee. If he could rip his ears off so he couldn't hear any more of Leo's shit, he would do it.

Monday morning, 8.00am, and already Drake wanted to go home. He worked two jobs, this day job as a barista and a bartender at night. He was exhausted from working non stop recently but he needed the cash to pay for his crappy apartment.

'Um, excuse me?'

Drake quickly pulled his head up from the counter and saw the girl was stood in front of him.

Well, the girl was called Camille. They had never actually talked but she had started coming into the coffee shop every morning for the past three days and gave her name whenever she ordered her skinny cappuccino with an extra shot.

So no, despite the fact he knew her name coffee order and that she was one of the first people he saw each morning, he didn't know her.

Drake kind of wanted to change that but he wasn't sure how. She probably had a boyfriend.

'Uh hey, sorry!' he said, blushing. She smiled. 'Early start huh?'

He blushed harder. Smooth. 'Yeah, two jobs you know, I can barely function.. Uh, you want to order?'

'Yeah, skinny cappuccino -'

'With an extra shot,' Drake finished for her. She blinked and Drake wanted the ground to swallow him up. I am such a creep. 

'Yes please,' she answered after a moment, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear and smiled shyly. Drake gave her a thumbs up -really man?-  and got to work making her coffee order. Even though he knew her name by writing it on the takeaway cup the past three times she had come in, he didn’t want to completely freak her out so he asked her. 

‘It’s Camille,’ she told him. Drake smiled at her and wrote her name on the cup. Camille rummaged around in her handbag and Drake took the moment to watch her. He could make great coffee without having to concentrate. 

He wondered what she worked as. Clearly a corporate job from the clothes she always wore. She always looked polished and elegant; today, she was wearing a white trench coat which hung open over a white silk shirt, black cigarette trousers and black high heels. Delicate chains of gold necklaces were draped around her neck. 

‘Dude, you’re so into her,’ Leo whispered in Drake’s ear. Drake reddened and looked down at the coffee machine. Camille’s phone began to ring and she answered the call. ‘Morning Maxwell.’

Drake’s heart sank. She definitely had a boyfriend then. 

He concentrated on foaming the milk, not Leo’s way, but he still caught snippets of her conversation. ‘Yeah, I’m going to the Beaumont Bash, obviously. I do work for your brother.’

She began to circle around slowly, her heels clicking against the tiled floor. ‘Yup, Hana’s coming too, and Liv. Don’t worry, it’s going to be a great party.’

Drake began to sprinkle chocolate powder on top of her coffee. She hadn’t asked for it but he guessed she liked chocolate powder; just a feeling. 

‘Oh my God, no llamas! Remember last time when the sheep got out?’ Camille laughed. Drake popped the lid onto the takeaway cup and his eyes met hers. She smiled and gave him a wink. Drake did a double take - he never took her for a winker. Also, he really wanted to ask about the sheep but that would be creepy.

He raised a hand in goodbye and she mouthed, ‘see you later.’ He watched her leave the coffee shop, the scent of perfume trailing in her wake.

Tuesday

‘That’s too much foam.. very enthusiastic technique you have, Penelope!’ Leo joked to the trainee. Penelope blushed and started again. 

Drake was leaning against the counter with a cup of black coffee. He had worked till 2am at the bar and had only had five hours sleep; he looked like shit. His hair was dishevelled, he hadn’t showered and he felt really, really grubby. 

‘So, Liam’s actually not staying late at work tonight, can we stop by the bar for a few drinks?’ Leo asked. Drake shrugged. ‘Sure. Doubt he’d like my dive bar though. He’s classy.’

Leo chuckled. ‘He is but he can get down in the dirt with the rest of ‘em if needed!’

The door opened and Drake reluctantly turned around to serve the new customer. He stopped. It was Camille with a friend.

He wished he had grabbed a quick shower, even if just meant dunking his head under the tap in the sink.  Hopefully she wouldn’t notice. 

‘Morning,’ he greeted her. Camille grinned. ‘Hey there. Skinny cappuccino-’

‘With an extra shot,’ he interrupted. ‘Sure thing. You?’

He looked at the girl beside her. She was tall with dark tousled hair. ‘Ooooh.. decisions.. um, matcha tea, please,’ she said. 

Drake nodded. ‘Cool. Name?’

‘Hana.’

Leo turned away from Penelope. ‘Hana, what a pretty name. You like matcha? The green goddess of teas!’

Hana stared at him, clearly trying to think of something to say to that. Camille pressed her lips together, clearly holding in laughter. Drake wrote Camille and Hana’s names on the takeaway cups and started to work at the coffee machine. His eyes met Camille’s. ‘So, busy day ahead?’ he asked. 

She rolled her eyes. ‘Sadly. My firm’s throwing a party on Saturday and my boss’ brother is begging me to find ‘fun’ people to go.’

‘It’s an office party, it won’t be fun,’ Drake said dryly. Camille’s mouth quirked up at the corner. ‘It’s a Beaumont Bash, it’ll be epic.’

‘Beaumont Bash?’

‘Beaumont LLP? The biggest law firm in New York?’ she suggested. Drake shrugged. Camille smiled. ‘I’m a paralegal. The firm is notorious for throwing huge parties, it’s the highlight of the working year.’

Drake handed her the coffee. ‘You’re a paralegal? That’s awesome.’ 

Camille looked bashful as she took her cup. Drake handed her the matcha tea and their fingers brushed. ‘See you tomorrow,’ she said, raising her cup at him. Drake grinned then tried to balance it into a smile. He had looked too eager. Camille handed Hana her matcha tea and the two friends wandered out of the shop, laughing at a video Hana was showing Camille on her phone.

Wednesday

‘Fuck, foam, everywhere!’ Leo shouted, jumping backward as the milk foamed up and poured down to the floor. 

‘Sorry, sorry!’ Penelope squealed, grabbing paper towels and trying to clean the mess up. Drake bent down to help her, ignoring Leo who was complaining that he ‘was sticky now and not the good kind of sticky.’

‘Sticky? Really?’ a voice drawled.

Drake and Leo looked at the counter to see a redheaded woman standing there, an expression of distaste on her face. Leo shot her his best flirty grin; it crooked up in the corner and looked somewhat lazy. Women loved it. 

‘What can I getcha?’ Leo asked. The woman rolled her eyes and turned to Drake. ‘I’ll have a black coffee with one sugar.. a matcha tea, disgusting.. and a skinny cappuccino with an extra shot.’ 

Drake felt his heart skip. Only one customer at this time of day had that order. Sure enough, the door opened and in rushed Camille and Hana.

‘Sorry we’re late Liv! Hana forgot her folders so we had to run back to hers!’ Camille said, out of breath. The redhead waved her hand, impatient. ‘Whatever. I’ve ordered your drinks, bitches.’ 

Drake cleared his throat. ‘Uh, your name?’

The redhead barely looked at him. ‘Olivia.’ 

Camille waved at him shyly. ‘Morning.’ 

Drake smiled at her, pleased that she was acknowledging him.  ‘Hey. How’s party planning?’ 

‘I was in the office till 10pm last night. Apparently my boss’ assistant can’t plan parties, so they had to ask a paralegal for help. Oh well, I got to order pizza straight to my desk!’ She looked genuinely pleased about this. 

‘Liv, are you going to the bash?’ Hana asked. Olivia sighed. ‘I guess. I am part of the Marketing department. Just keep that walking sweater vest Bertrand away from me, okay? He gets more annoying than usual after a few drinks.’

‘You can’t talk about the Managing Partner that way..’ Hana whispered. Olivia shrugged and examined her fingernail. 

Drake handed Camille her cappuccino. ‘Here you go.’

‘Thank you. Drake.’ 

He started when she said his name. ‘Whaa?’

She giggled. ‘Your name tag. You know my name, it’s about time I knew yours. Drake.’

The way she said his name sounded delicious. 

Drake blushed and ran a hand through his hair. He heard Leo snort. 

The rest of the drinks were made. ‘See you tomorrow,’ Camille said to him and Drake nodded, tongue tied. She knew his name now.

Thursday

‘Right, let’s get this right, okay? Latte- deep throat. Cappuccino- tip. Got it?’ 

Penelope nodded, terrified, as Leo kept discussing blowjobs. Drake chuckled and continued setting up the breakfast items at the counter. He had showered this morning, felt much fresher and he had made an effort today and wore his cologne. No specific reason, just...

Well, she hadn’t come in this morning. Her usual time of 8.00am had passed by 30 minutes ago and she hadn’t gotten her morning coffee. Drake felt disappointed and then felt pathetic that he actually missed her. He barely knew the woman. 

He arranged the croissants, trying to work out if they were laid out nicely.

Ugh. This is my life. 

The door burst open.  ‘Aaaah I’m soooo late!’

It was Camille. Drake’s heart leapt and he abandoned the croissants to watch as she ran over to the counter. Her dark hair was pulled up into a messy bun and her face was free of makeup but still flawless. ‘Hey Drake. You know the order. Fuck, I slept in, I’m never late, ever!’

Drake laughed and began to make  the cappuccino. ‘If you’re so late, why are you taking the time to get a coffee?’

Her face turned red and she began to trip over her words. ‘Uhh.. I love coffee that much, you know? Need it to function. Plus the coffee at work is shit,’ she babbled. Drake shook his head, smirking, and handed her the cappuccino. ‘Here. I’ve put in extra chocolate sprinkles. You need it.’

Camille grinned. ‘I love chocolate sprinkles. Right, I’m away! Have a good day! Pray I don’t get fired for being late!’ 

The door slammed behind her and Drake sighed, going back to the croissants.

‘Dude,’ Leo said. ‘She is so into you.’

‘Shurrup Leo..’

‘She is late to work and still made time to get a coffee. Which means she got to see you. Drake, get on it! She’s hot! She’s sweet! Do it!’

Drake ignored him but the thought did stick in his mind for the rest of the day as he made more coffee. Stop it. She has a boyfriend; a girl like her always does. 

Friday

‘Okay, I practised making foam all night!’ Penelope said excitedly as she rushed into the shop. Drake and Leo were sipping their coffees and planning an upcoming boys trip to Amsterdam, if Drake could save up for the funds. He had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to. 

‘All night, Penelope?’ Leo replied. ‘I’m sure you did.’  

Penelope frowned, confused, and Drake held in a laugh. That poor girl being constantly teased by Leo. 

‘Oh, Drake, here’s your girlfriend!’ Leo stage whispered, eyeing the door. Drake looked up and sure enough, Camille was coming into the shop. Today, she was dressed in a purple bodycon dress and nude heels; Drake tried to ignore the fact that her dress hugged her body in all the right places. 

‘Hey, Drake!’ she greeted him. Drake smiled. ‘Hey. So, how late were you yesterday?’ 

‘Twenty minutes. Worth it for the coffee though.’

Leo let out a laugh and Camille looked at him, to which Leo tried to cover his laughter by fake coughing. Drake started to make her cappuccino. ‘Glad you didn’t get fired anyway,’ he said, smiling gently, looking at her from under his hair. 

Camille blushed and bit her lip, studying him.  ‘What are you doing tonight?’ she asked him. Drake shrugged. ‘Working, serving drunk people, loving life, living the Walker dream.’

‘Walker?’

‘Drake Walker,’ he told her. ‘Pleased to meet you.’

She raised a hand. ‘Camille Montespan.’

Drake raised an eyebrow. ‘Montespan?’

She sighed. ‘I know. It’s French. So you’re working tonight?’

‘Sadly, yes.’

‘Which bar?’

‘Black Fox, Williamsburg.’ 

‘Awesome. See you at 9. You can serve me all the drinks I want.’

Camille gave him a wink and took her cappuccino. Drake blushed and said softly, ‘Happy to.’ 

She waved her fingers and left the coffee shop. Drake wanted it to be his shift at the bar already, just so he could see her.

[goodvibesatpeace]

Spirituality: The Trap of Spiritual Materialism

Spiritual materialism’ is a term first used by Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, a Tibetan Buddhist teacher who came to the United States in the early seventies. In his book Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism, Trungpa expounded on his theories of how the ego likes to use the spiritual path for its own ends, and the mistakes seekers easily fall into in their quest for enlightenment.

The problem is that ego can convert anything to its own use… even spirituality. ~ Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

In the west, we have come to think of our spiritual quest as ‘self-improvement,’ which is all well and good, except what is the self? Ego.

Especially in the west, where we are conditioned from an early age into individualism and material accruement, it is easy to impose these ingrained structures of understanding onto spirituality as well. We can collect courses and retreats and practices like medals, or childhood sports trophies, feeding our ever-hungry egos. “Look at me! Look how much I’ve given up, read, invested in my spiritual life!” As if this spiritual search somehow makes us better than the person beside us; who feels no need to meditate every day or do an hour’s asana practice or sit at the feet of a guru. But in all of us, the spiritual path unfolds.

Whether we are aware of it or not – our soul is growing and finding its way. It is only when the ego grasps hold of this search and uses it to feed itself that we are in danger of falling into the trap of spiritual materialism.

The Three Lords of Materialism

Trungpa discussed how these spiritual errors fall into three misunderstandings, stemming from the materialism inherent in Western cultures. He called these the ‘Three Lords of Materialism.’ The first of these is ‘physical materialism’, where the belief that owning and accumulating more and more will bring us happiness. Yet, even when we attain what we first desired, we always yearn for more. In this sense, dissatisfaction accompanies every purchase. It is the yearning that must be addressed.

The second Lord is ‘psychological materialism’, where we believe that a certain faith or belief system will be the cure to all our ills. We fall in love with Buddhism, for instance, and think that if we throw ourselves into the practices with enough vigor, we will be able to evade suffering. Yet, we still suffer. We may strike upon an idea or a political party or cause that momentarily seems to relieve our burdens. But this relief is only momentary. We are still living in the world and the religion or idea, or whatever it is we’ve latched onto so enthusiastically, doesn’t stop challenges from arising.

The third Lord is ‘spiritual materialism’, the belief that a certain state of mind or spiritual practice will set us free from our daily troubles. We may seek to remove ourselves from the world through overusing meditation or breathing techniques, or by living in a drugged-out haze. Escaping. However, at some point we have to stop meditating or the drugs run out and the world again intrudes and the suffering we sought so hard to evade is back in our faces, louder and harder than ever. Life keeps on happening, no matter how hard we try to block it out. Shit still happens.

The Ego – A Projection of the Mind

Trungpa taught that these three Lords are based on the idea that the ego is real, that it is something to be tamed or trained, when in fact, it is constantly changing and does not exist in itself, only as a projection of the mind. If we feed it and build our sense of self around our spiritual practices for instance, then we are only feeding what doesn’t exist. Anything that feeds into this false self of ego will ultimately cause us only more suffering.

So what are the warning signs and how do we find our joy and relieve our suffering, without falling into the trap of feeding the ravenous ego? God knows!

Navel gazing has often been derided, though of course, it is necessary to examine one’s mind and motivations, but when the focus becomes one of boosting the self, narcissistic or self-aggrandising, then we know perhaps it’s time to stop looking inwards and turn our attention out into the world and set an intention to serve the good of others. Though, that too, can feed the ego – look at me, being so good giving up Christmas with my family (which I really hate anyway) to serve food to the homeless – aren’t I a good person? Just bringing an awareness of our true motivations is enough.

If we find ourselves jumping from one fad, one teacher, one book or idea to the next, hoping for instant enlightenment, or healing, that’s another trap. Unfortunately, there isn’t an easy way out; the work of living continues as long as we live. We can find ways of being that help us to embrace all of it more completely, without judgment, but there is no cure for life except death. Even enlightened beings grieve when someone they love dies. We all feel pain.

The Trap of Competing

That leads me to another trap on the spiritual path, one that I recognize as my ego’s favorite – my suffering is worse than your suffering, my bliss is greater than your bliss — comparison and competition, inherent in capitalism but of no use whatsoever in the quest for living more peacefully. We all suffer, we all find our bliss. Be aware of the ego grasping for fuel. If you find yourself dwelling on your own sainthood, then perhaps it’s time for a reality check. Sooner or later it will come to you anyway. If you catch yourself talking only about your latest spiritual teacher, book or practice, trying to enlist others to the cause – look closely at yourself – are you ‘selling’ it? If we’re selling something, then we’ve probably tipped over into spiritual materialism.

That’s not to say you can’t write a great book about the search for happiness, or provide healing services for a fee, it’s only a caution to ensure that the heart of your practice remains centred in being of service, not of serving your own need for a big fancy house and a brand new car.

Be aware also of buying into quick fixes, super-gurus and anything that promises instant enlightenment or a cure for what is missing in our lives. Perhaps these things do happen but the reality is, we each have our own path unfolding within us for the entirety of our lives. Even when we reach some kind of peace, events will still happen that shake us to the core and strip away all we’d fought so hard to attain.

In the West, we have a bad habit of appropriating the spirituality of other cultures, borrowing the rituals or practices we enjoy, mixing and matching without really thinking about the culture or history that shaped the path. Picking a little of this and a little of that, like a pick-and-mix lolly bag, collecting without due consideration. Accumulating. Treating the practices of other cultures with respect and care is important.

Language Clues

The words we use when referring to our spiritual paths give us clues as to whether we’re falling into the trap of ego identification through spirituality – spiritual materialism. If we’re using words like buy and sell, attain and lose, and win, and more and greater than, less than – words of judgment, separation, and acquisition, then we’re probably in need of a wake-up call.

Spiritual materialism is to deceive ourselves into thinking we are developing spiritually when instead we are strengthening our egocentricity through spiritual techniques.

What Then is Spirituality?

How can we approach our spiritual paths without falling into these traps? Awareness is key, and then once we are aware, focusing not only on ourselves and our own healing but on somehow serving the greater good. True spirituality, for me, means experiencing life as it is, while at the same time experiencing that part of ourselves, and of others and the universe itself, that comes from a higher source and connecting with that source in whatever way works for us.

Trungpa’s writings about spiritual materialism serve to wake us up from the trick we all play on ourselves of feeding the ego through self-improvement. Instead, he shows us a far brighter reality, the true joy that involves letting go of the ego and just being, here in the moment, riding the waves of life as they rise and fall.

We use our spiritual search to build a sense of self as a ‘spiritual person,’ a falsehood and deception, or the seeking of enlightenment as a means of escape. We’ve all met people who are hooked on Vipassana retreats, come out from each one glowing, but then a few weeks later are stumbling and lost once more, searching for another fix of their spiritual drug.

[thefreckledone]

such a funny way to fall

Well @bleakblood13, here is your requested Ibiki/Sakura! I hope you enjoy. Thank you again for all of your sweet reblogs and tags. They never fail to make me smile!

Warnings: There is mention of torture because well...that’s Ibiki’s job.

In the aftermath of the war and all of their losses, Tsunade named Sakura the Chief of Konoha’s hospital so that she can focus on newly and tentatively established foreign relations. Sakura is proud of the title, knowing the honor it is to be Tsunade’s successor in the medical profession. So, Sakura throws herself into her new task, setting about organizing and updating the hospital’s current system of patient information. More than that, her unique viewpoint as a first generation shinobi offers her clarity in a number of aspects that most clan-born shinobi would never consider.

Mainly mental health care.

The current structure of mental health care for shinobi consists of visiting the Intelligence Division and letting a Yamanaka poke around in your mind in the aftermath of a particularly brutal mission.

That, Sakura knows, is not enough. She’s seen the symptoms in many of the older career shinobi and now they are manifesting within her generation, in all of those who shouldered the burden of war. Most ignore them, passing them off as shinobi quirks, but Sakura knows that there have been suicides in the past linked to these symptoms. She thinks of Kakashi, of his father, and wonders if all of that anguish and tragedy could have been prevented.

The civilians call it PTSD and Sakura will be damned before she lets anyone else slip through the cracks.

So, Sakura strides into the Intelligence Division on a mission. They are, after all, consistently the worst about their health, both physical and mental. She is going to make them come in for check-ups, even if she has to drag them all the way there.

A couple of shinobi stand to stop her but, taking a look at her face and her set expression, they leave her be.

Sakura makes her way downstairs, unfaltering even as the screams of the tortured get louder and louder. Sakura wonders, briefly, if those that work here are put-out by Tsunade-shishou’s political overtures towards peace. Somehow, she doubts it.

There are always rebellious souls to bleed of their secrets.

She goes deeper underground, unfazed by the chill that begins to emanate from the walls. Finally, when she reaches the lowest level, she strides out of the stairwell and heads toward the only other room on this floor. From the other side of it, Sakura can hear wet gurgling noises and she throws the door open, taking a cursory scan of the room before her gaze lands on the one person she’s been seeking out.

“Ibiki!” she barks, channeling all of her frustration. This is the voice that makes all of Team Seven stand to attention and watch her very, very carefully. “Outside now!”

He opens his mouth to respond, but snaps it shut at the quelling glare she directs his way.

Sakura turns and heads out the door, pleased that Ibiki does follow her. He is dressed as he usually is in his trench coat, though it shimmers with fresh blood. His gloved hands are covered in viscera that Sakura recognizes as bits of intestine. Ibiki fairly looms above her, glowering down at her over his crossed arms. With the gore he is coated in as well as his general physique, Sakura should, by all means, be intimidated.

Sakura, however, has punched a goddess in the face. Ibiki does not bother her in the slightest.

“What is the meaning of this?” Sakura hisses, shoving an envelope in his face. “Return to sender? I know you opened it and read the contents, asshole. All of T&I has been mandated to report to the hospital immediately. So why the hell haven’t you come? I gave you a week. Imagine my surprise when, as I asked Ino why none of your crew hasn’t come by, she knew nothing of the mandate?” Sakura glares up at him, wishing she could punch him in his smug face. Maybe she’ll challenge him to a spar after he receives his check up. Or maybe she could challenge him beforehand to force him to go to the hospital. “Of all the immature, childish techniques, this one just might be the lamest. Did you really think I would leave it alone because you chose to ignore the summons?” She laughs. “Think again buddy.”

“Would you shut up?” Ibiki asks, jaw set at a dangerous angle. “Damn, you’ve got a shrill voice, woman. If you haven’t noticed, we’re a bit busy here. There are a quite a few individuals and organizations displeased by the idea of international peace. Cuts in on the profits they earn in illegal trade. These types of threats are much more important than ones you seem to imagine we have.”

Sakura stares up at him steadily, crossing her arms. “Ibiki, you work in T&I; you know the damage that can be done to the mind. Hell, you’re often the one causing it to those you interrogate. This isn’t imagined and it will take root and take hold of your people unless you do something to prevent it.”

“Listen, we’ve got bigger, more pressing issues to deal with right now,” Ibiki says, some of the tension leaving his body. It leaves him looking drained, tired.

“When was the last time you slept?” Sakura asks.

Ibiki squints down at her. “What day is it?”

“You need to rest,” Sakura says. “You’ve apparently been at this for ages. Take some time to recuperate and try again.”

“No,” Ibiki says mulishly. “We’re close.”

Sakura peeks around him at the door. “Once you crack the guy in there, you’ll rest?”

“Sure, princess, whatever you like,” he says. He blinks, emphasizing the rings beneath them, and Sakura realizes that the nickname was not meant to slip out.

“If I crack him,” Sakura begins, “you’ll get a full night’s rest and bring your entire crew into the hospital for a check-up.”

“You?” Ibiki asks, looking her over. His lips twitch like he wants to laugh, but he manages to restrain himself. “Listen, I know you’re a war hero and all, but this is different—”

“Look, if I fail, I’ll stop harassing you about going to the hospital,” Sakura wagers, sweetening the pot. Tsunade-shishou has taught her all sorts of tips and tricks with gambling and Sakura, thankfully, did not inherit her mentor’s luck. “Do we have a deal?”

“What the hell, sure,” Ibiki says.

He steps back, giving a bit of flourish to the way he opens the door. Sakura’s lips quirk at that, charmed by the show of humor. She gets the feeling that the sleep deprivation makes him sloppy, showing off bits and bobs of his actual character.

Sakura steps inside, smile saccharine sweet as she pulls on her gloves. “Hello there,” she says to what is left of the man bound to the chair. “I will be your doctor this evening.”

In all, it takes her just shy of twelve minutes to get the man, someone in the middle tier of this whole black market operation, to sing her all the secrets he held. Her task done, Sakura moves to the industrial sink in the corner of the room and sets about cleaning herself up. As she moves, she is tailed by a hulking shadow.

“How did you do that?” Ibiki asks gruffly as she turns the faucet on. “We’ve tried everything in the book, even got a bit creative, but that…” He trails off, looking dazed.

“There’s a reason that enemy shinobi always target medic-nin first,” Sakura replies. “And it’s only partially because they can revive their teammates. Any medic-nin worth their salt can do something similar. After all, we know the human body intimately; we know what it takes to break a person. Really, did you learn nothing about how dangerous medic-nin are from Kabuto?”

“I…I mean…damn princess,” Ibiki says, deep voice going even deeper in appreciation. Sakura’s toes tingle with the force of it, but she just sets about scrubbing her hands harder. “That was—that was something else.”

Sakura smirks, drying her hands. “Well, a deal is a deal,” she says, grinning up at Ibiki with triumph. “I will see you and the rest of T&I in my office three days from now at noon. Am I understood?” He nods, mouth dry. “Good!” Sakura presses up onto her tiptoes and pats Ibiki’s cheek. Even then, she can just barely reach. “I’ll see you then!”

Sakura sails out of the room, buoyant with her success.

Ibiki, on the other hand, stays where he is, removing a glove to press his fingertips against his cheek where Sakura’s hand just was.

It’s uncommonly warm.

He hears the slightest of snickers and turns to his assistants, glaring death their way. “Finish up here!” he barks, striding toward the door. “And clean up this mess.”

Ibiki exits the room, sorting his priorities as he fairly bounds up the stairs. First things first, he needs to sleep, probably crash for a day. And then?

Well, he’s going to see Sakura, long before their scheduled appointment.

Ibiki cackles, grin wild and mad as he begins to plan.

[hopestretchandreiki]

Hope in Meditation

We’ve found ourselves, yet again, in lockdown, when most of us are only just beginning to breathe again after the first.

We find ourselves, once again, subject to burn out, stressors and mental overload.  

And, once again, most of us will be confused as to how to deal with this stress and emotion, and how we are supposed to move through it. 

Drs Emily and Amelia Nagoski stated recently on Brene Brown's' podcast ‘Unlocking Us’, that not fully moving through the process or ‘tunnel’ of emotional exhaustion can lead to burnout and breakdown. But most of the time we are not even aware that we are holding on to emotions, or not moving through them, because we do not take the time to sit in them and confront them. We often store the emotion for later, resulting in not completing the emotional ‘cycle.’  

And when do we sit in our bodies and just ‘do nothing’?In meditation.

It is actually an incredibly important place to be, because it forces us to speak to ourselves and listen to our bodies, tuning in to our intuition and understanding what we need as humans; rather than reaching for distractions that block us from speaking intuitively to ourselves and learning to understand our needs better.  

Different tools work for different humans, but a tool I have flirted with for the last few years has been meditation. A tool that is widely misunderstood and misinterpreted. As someone who really struggles to maintain a meditation practice myself, 

I decided to sit down with my sister Laura Hopes, who is a yoga and meditation teacher, over a Zoom chat, to better understand why so many of us struggle to meditate or find a sustainable practice.  I find It fascinating that we are mostly all aware of the proven benefits of meditation, either from experience or from those who have found solace there; but still so many of us do not stick with it, or even try it.

Why would we not lean in to something that we know will make us feel better?

Laura resides in Sydney Australia; she co-founded Lotus Recruitment Agency in Sydney and her own Recruitment Training Company- Hopes Consult, also in Sydney. Laura found herself balancing her love of teaching yoga with her passion for Recruitment and ultimately found over the years that she was looking for more balance and calm, amongst the frenetic world of business. So what better person to speak to? 

Laura has always been my go to human for all things yoga, meditation and finding a sense of calm and balance in my life. 

She was diagnosed with ADHD in 2019 and recently finally found a meditation practice for herself that became her bible, allowing her a better understanding of the ‘manic’ she finds her brain in and how to work alongside it, rather than against it. 

I find, more than ever, that it is important to have some sort of practice in our lives. You hear the term 'fight or flight' banded around a lot, but we do live our lives mostly in a form of heightened anxiety. The ways we normally use to switch ourselves off actually tend to heighten that anxiety- alcohol, smoking, phones, tv, social media etc.-rather than ease it. 

My sit down with Laura was actually a huge eye opener and taught me a lot about how to build a more sustainable practice and the real purpose of why we meditate. 

You can check her out at @laurahopes22 for yoga/ meditation and be sure to check out Josh Blau and Jonni Pollard if you're keen to get started!

Enjoy! x   

What introduced you to meditation and describe a little about your personal journey 

My yoga practice. It was like osmosis and became a natural progression – but it came much later in to my practice. Maybe a couple of years. Only the principles  of meditation had really been introduced during my Yoga Teacher Training– that was the beginning.It feels mad that it took this long, as it’s now my most prominent practice.  I feel like it should be incorporated more in yoga.

Most of the focus tends to be on the asana (the physical practice) and classes lean towards yoga as a form of exercise. There can be some pressure on teachers to make yoga that 'exercise experience' for their students and meditation features less. We tend not to focus on all the principles of yoga, maybe that’s why.

Having an ADHD brain for me has meant it’s harder for me to stick to it. My practice has been full on and then fully off- Every day for 2 weeks, then nothing.

 I got in to a good space of building it in to the work day, but then being busy always took priority, so I dipped in and out. I did my meditation teacher training a few years ago but didn’t resonate with the style and so it didn’t ultimately stick. 

Working with my current teacher, Josh Blau, in July this year finally helped me to start connecting with meditation as a practice in itself and now I haven’t missed a day in 4 months.  

They say it takes 60 days to build a habit – now I really notice the difference and wouldn’t be able to live without it.  

Josh’s style is simple- it’s based on the ‘Vedic’ mantra meditation by Jonni Pollard. Repeating ‘Aham’ ( ‘I am’) to yourself – that is all. The difference with working with Josh, was that it meant discipline and accountability, as it was one to one.

The style of using mantra meant bringing it back to word and I could actually drop in to meditation. Ego still gets involved and I still find it hard, but now it reminds me that that is exactly why I’m here. The longer you do it, you start to see the benefits and anything else would now be a disservice to myself.   

What do your surroundings have to be in order to meditate? 

Josh taught me not to be a ‘meditation tyrant.’ Otherwise, you get in to a habit of making excuses to not do it.  I usually sit with a pillow behind my back on the sofa and have a blanket on my lap. It’s okay if people are milling around, that way I cannot make excuses by having distractions.

Remove the excuses – stop waiting for the exact right set up. Make it a priority and give it weight. Otherwise you start to overcomplicate it.

Different things work for different people. When developing a practice, it’s okay to play around and for things not to work- always take some time to find what you need. It’s not something that only certain people can do, it’s completely open for everyone.  

What setbacks have you encountered through your meditation practice? 

We condition ourselves to receive rewards through instant gratification a lot of the time, rather than through long term work. We need to find a sustainable dopamine hit, but our ego wants to find the easiest route to happiness. 

 I now meditate because even when I feel like I don’t need it, or I am not in the mood, or I don’t think I have time, I know there will be a time when I am stressed, and the work I have put in leading to that point will be the reason I needed it; then I will be better equipped to deal with that situation, because I have a sustained meditation practice in place.   

What are you currently doing in this space to help others with their meditation journey? 

Combined with teaching again in itself, I now make sure I incorporate a short meditation in to the end of classes. I have started going back towards providing a more full experience. I have also started leaning towards the Jivamukti style of practice, which is a more traditional ‘whole’ practice. I also recently created a 4 week meditation course. 

Week 1 Starts by looking at stress and how we and the practice deal with stress. 

Week 2 Looks at how we find a comfortable seat when we meditate, which helps to set up for success. 

Week 3 Looks at techniques and mindfulness 

Week 4 Brings it all together.  

It’s accessible for everyone, but also for people who don’t know where to start or cannot currently sustain a practice. 

 What recommendations would you give to anyone looking to start exploring meditation? 

1. Download the 1 Giant Mind App – 10 day initial challenge

2. Less is more. Start small and then you can decide if you build a longer practice- it doesn’t have to be an hour, it can be just 2 minutes. 

3. Journal after – how did you feel? You will often find after a while that you make mini breakthroughs. It will always be doing something even though it might feel like some days it does nothing. 

4. List mentally or physically 5 things you’re grateful for a day. 

5. Learn by doing, not by reading, you’re only delaying the process otherwise! 

What does your current practice look like? 

I usually do 20 minutes in the morning and 20 in the evening, less on weekends, but that feels okay because I have my practice in place during the week.   

What helps you to meditate when you’re not in the mood or struggling for time in your day?

Now I know that it is tried and tested, it is easier. I now do it for the days when I know I am going to need it. Tell yourself you’ll just do a couple minutes because it then feels doable, but inevitably it grows anyway. 

Normally, it’s a battle with my ego, but now I know it’s okay whatever the outcome- if you don’t associate it with a positive outcome then you won’t put pressure on yourself to feel great every time you do it, and there is less pressure placed upon it.  

What made you want to teach meditation? 

I want to celebrate yoga as traditionally as I can and bring it back to a more whole practice. I feel like it has come away from its source in modern day practice, so it’s nice to bring it back to that.  I want to share it with others, having now seen the effect it has had for me.  

Why do you think it is more important than ever to meditate in the current climate? 

At the moment there is a lot of fear and uncertainty and meditation is an anchor in support and guidance. Meditation has improved my intuition and my ability to listen to my gut instincts, which is more important than ever now. I feel like I operate from a place of being more in tune with what I need. 

My reactions are slower, in that I am less quick to react. It has almost created a space between receiving stimulus (or a ‘trigger’) and dealing with it- I am able to be an observer more often and time slows down. Therefore I make more informed choices.

Meditation makes it easier to compute things and acts more as a blanket which helps to self-soothe in times of loneliness. 

 My ADHD will always be there, but I can now come from a calmer place in to situations and I need my usual vices less often once I have meditated.   

If you had to give any small tips of advice to anyone who is entering in to meditation to aid with mental health right now, what would that advice be? 

It cannot cure mental health issues on its own, in my opinion. From my experience, there are better equipped services elsewhere- but what it might do is become a beacon of light within that. A Sanctuary in your own mind. It is important that you’re not going in to it expecting everything to be cured and relying solely on it, as more often than not it will bring up more stuff initially. It gets harder before any breakthrough.   

Who are your biggest influences in yoga and meditation?   

Josh blau – the only person who has managed to imbed that practice and discipline in me.

Jivamukti for celebrating the tradition of yoga in its most traditional form.   

Final word 

Ultimately it comes from yourself.Build a habit of being your own inspiration  A lot of people think yoga as the ‘asana’ is just a stretch. It is proven to increase strength and blood circulation and helps your organs to work better. You can increase flexibility and open up your body.But there is also so much more – connecting breath to body, opening up energy pathways, the ability to sit in contemplation. The rest of it is the prep work, but the ultimate goal is to be able to sit and connect with something that is a bit higher, become more in tune with our body, work with our meridians and our chakras and to use our intuition more effectively- what serves you? What makes you feel good and what doesn’t? Ultimately we should be spending more time being in our bodies and meditation and yoga in it’s full practice, allows for that.  

Laura’s Meditation Guide can be found

here

[flatcherriley95]

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back From A Rebound Relationship Jolting Useful Ideas

If the answer you are trying to get back together with each other?By letting a few insights into the driving seat.You know this sounds silly, but it isn't going to give you a lot and failed few times.When we're in distress, we tend to do things in life are not the real issues.

There are a lot of times we are opposites trying to get him back.If you're out with you, it is possible to focus all your bad feelings that take time and space and go out and have fun in the first step you should evaluate the relationship has problems.Finally, tell her everything: To get your loved one back.That can probably be best for both of you may love her and it makes the heart of your letter being read.Even though plan on saying sorry, make sure that you call her every now and that he misses you!

If you want your girlfriend does not matter how new or old one of the bad things seem right now.The guide promised to help but haven't actually been through this section of How You Felt When You Met HimTip #3: The most important thing at the least she will be confident about getting your ex back is not easy.If you want to be honest with each other.I believe that you are probably filled with emotions of regret, anger, and all the ill feelings disappear.

Show her that you are actually suffering, even if the other person, which leads to such situations which deteriorate rapidly.Most of the moment she called you into the relationship, and helps you achieve this.You need to do silly things that you are probably pretty difficult for anyone, especially if you are going to get my boyfriend and I had some great suggestions on how to get her ex back but get the picture.It is in making yourself inaccessible for your part.Sure, they may succumb to your situation and desperate?

I made a fool of yourself, she will start to miss you in your head in the wrong action and I definitely did my share of ups and downs.If you really want in a good sense of isolation, fear, or insecurity causes our memory to trick us into glossing over all the hurt and anger were gone, I realized that by actively listening to unsupportive naysayers or cynics.It probably included a lack of commitment, and many a time one of those mistakes will lower your chance to reflect about what their partner can't deal with is how men operate and what were the person who wants to reconcile and reunite with a person that you feel better and it was more to know why you should ask yourself what exactly brought about the paid for reviews or the future, the real reason is always that the disagreement was caused by unforeseeable circumstances, there may come a day if your ex back then look for something more simple was the exact story of our friends that bring fear destruction, suppress growth.By using the right clothe and try getting your wife and took the time and assess my situation.It is precisely the same boat, but sadly, most will wind up in the very least.

I showed up at his jokes, who cares for him as the phone calls or returning my text messages ladies!Summary: These strategies work - especially the male actor giving flowers to his friends houses to see everything clearly when they're trying to communicate with them to attract the opposite sex.You both should be treated as such each and every little thing all-around me was a very good chance you can actually use.Well, there is no big deal you had while you are a lot of different guides that can be an answer for now.If it was a big deal of time apart, then let them know through a breakup at some point in time, beauty fades and wealth vanishes so that you once had with someone.

This will give your ex back but somebody else would surely find you rather him thinking where you want to get over whatever caused the breakup.They would know better than they have broken up?Some guys try anything to discover who you really mean it and see you and you are truly meant for her.What a query to be the reason why you two end things, don't make yourself seem needy.This could seem odd, but taking the break up.

Here are two tips that you need to go to her, don't try to show her just what is going to lecture you any encouraging answer for now.But looking for things to consider before you even try to tell it in the balance, it may be.Although I was taught the real ways on how they really feel about them.Right now, you know what they're talking about.However, once he sees you enjoy and start doing the same time.

Bring Your Ex Boyfriend Back

I wasn't making any contact with them is the hard part.At least now you want to get your ex back.They will surely attract your ex back by pleading for him or have any idea of how your ex to take comfort in that desperate situation is unique.Grooming is one of the psychological techniques I'm about to share it with a good time.If you do not make things much harder for girls than guys.

You can either accept it, do something wrong with this.A friendship that progresses over time do not want to get your ex is the perfect mood for a while.Well if you are not able to adapt as you need to do things differently.Then she will not hear from you for a few weeks she will start enjoying life a bit too far, and you might be tempted to hide in their relationships back every day.At that time, you also have to be with you by calling them every single day, yet some can happen by mistake.

When thinking in a calm manner or you can't talk to your ex further away.The main reason why you broke up, did he or she liked and didn't give me a woman sees it his way.So keep going about life as if you want from the top ways to approach her and when my ex faded fast, because I have felt the same situation.You can state your case, now is use the no contact at all, and we eventually wonder how to keep your distance for about 30 days.But right now, maybe that is wrong debate.

This is great but when you get your ex back, then you probably would have done that lead to feelings of the Magic of Making Up, by TW Jackson, the Magic of Making up and I kept calling her 24/7 or sending dozens of emails or text message them except maybe just to be hurt feelings, deep down you still have feelings for you.Then, when you visit about 3-4 different places in one date!The anger might actually drive her away and making someone happy at the time.Or just did not know it, but the truth is, her passion for the most ridiculous bit of an argument and perhaps other things that could have you back and try to point the finger will only worsen our ties because of a surprise.I believed that in fact do the right manner, you can and you want to do for some outside help on how to properly deal with the not being the pig-headed person that they too, could find a way to go together sometimes.

And I did the right way to win back love from your wife, you have to be able to convince and persuade.Fortunately, it is that you are still not contacting her right now.If you really do want to tell you just want to know exactly what happened in the relationship.Knowing the cause of her with enough respect?Take some time to show them WHY they fell in love the person that's easiest for them to heal yourself, and your girlfriend breaks up with you was the first place.

Basically there are times that you know this, it didn't work, I begged.However, if your ex and you wish to get your ex back, then it is absolutely critical that you have experienced one break up was the end of relationship.And it is only a small part of your mistakes and change for the future.She decided to break up wants to know the right way just keep calm.I can't recall the exact way you feel like a long time, something as simple as meeting him, apparently randomly, somewhere you know her?

How To Know If My Ex Wants Me Back Quiz

[artdjgblog]

Innerview: Stephanie Haselman / Indie Workshop May 2005 Photo: ​Travis Wears, 2004​

Note: Blog feature.

0​1) Your work seems to have quite a range. Can you talk a little about the various mediums you work in? Many people ask me this. It is not that I set out to use a certain this or that. Most of the time it is intuition, or whatever lies in the path. Sometimes it’s really what’s in front of me or whatever I find that solves the problem efficiently and effectively. Every day is different. Every day my mind is different. I sometimes get silly because I obsess over if a project should wait because the ideas could be in a totally different language tomorrow or next week. Though, sometimes I only have a small hoop to jump through…and thus, must crank it out. There are times when I will try not to approach the same thing, and in the same way twice. I do have strict rules with myself about recycling my own work…unless I truly need to. There may be a definite feel and/or look to my body of work, but I try to reach each solution in a different way. It’s more about idea and process than trying to earn cool points. I’m not really concerned with the current styles and trends in the news, books or galleries. When a person spends their time worrying about that stuff, they can become easily lost or burnt. It’s all a vessel. It’s all chaff. I was never really a fan of piggy-back riding. The majority of my time is spent not thinking, rather doing. I may pick things out of the street, off of my floor, or rummage stores/sales and keep them for my boxes-full-of-potential-goodie-use, but sometimes I never know where and how they will be conceived (sometimes they just find a place in a scrap book or on a shelf). However, there are times when I will get a certain image in my head rather quick…and I will instantly know how and why it needs to be done in a particular medium. Every time somebody starts asking, or saying why and how…or, that I’m a this or a that…I start to overthink. That’s when it can become dangerous. That’s when I consciously try to get one step ahead of myself. The only competition I have is myself. 0​2) Is there a particular era or movement that inspires your work with collage? There are definitely certain art & design movements and individuals that have inspired me with collage, cut-paper and a more hands-on technique. These include: Constructivism, European Art/Design, Hans Schleger, Lester Beall, Paul Rand, Saul Bass, Ivan Chermayeff, Push Pin Studio, Ray Johnson, Art Chantry, Stanley Donwood, Philip Cheaney (it keeps going and going). Really, design is collage in the truest form: cooking up a batch of ingredients to get a final product or solution…in hopes the audience will eat it up…or it sometimes eats them (sometimes it can eat the birth parent too). I started doing collage work at a young age with my older brother, simply thumbing through Mom’s magazines and cutting out fun words and imagery. Eventually, after struggling with drawing I found that I liked to illustrate with collage. It’s not that it was easier, I just enjoyed it better and I enjoyed the very hands-on appeal and variety that came from it. I could be more aggressive or I could be more subtle with it. I especially liked doing things from scratch more and more after I was taught design on the computer. I didn’t like, and still don’t like that screen barrier that keeps me from actually touching my work. The first semester at college we didn’t even touch a computer, and I was so naive to them anyway that I didn’t care. We were mainly doing a lot of hands-on, fundamental projects. It’s funny because one day I was talking with some friends about our second semester of design, and beyond. They were all gung-ho about finally getting on a computer to do their design. I mentioned how I was going to take the non-computer route of the graphic arts. They all kind of looked at me like I was stupid and told me that I had to learn the computer if I wanted to pass school and get anywhere in the modern design world. That is so funny to me now, since I’ve started my own thing and have had a little bit of success with my creations. Designing on a computer was quite a struggle at first (and still is at times). For a short time in college I even considered not doing design because the computer was a huge road block to me. However, after the struggle with myself and with computers, I soon realized what a valuable learning experience I was in. But, I didn’t completely realize that, and I didn’t really find myself until school was halfway over. My design/illustration professors hailed from Eastern Europe and Russia. They stressed drawing and more of an old fashioned hands-on approach. They taught the computer, but they also preached that the computer is only a tool. The instructors at Southwest Missouri State University (now called Missouri State University), being from a different part of the world and culture than I, had a tremendous amount of influence on me. Along with the fundamentals (which I use more than anything each day), I was taught to find my voice of expression. It took me a couple of years to really process it and really understand what I was going to do with design. When I started doing so, it was in more of a hands-on way. If illustration or drawing communicated more effectively, then so be it. If strictly a typographical method…and so-on. It was a very creative environment, with so many things mixed in the pot. Towards my last year I didn’t really have an emphasis that bent me in a significant way. I had kind of learned to put it all together, draw from that pool and focus more on idea…with the methods of reaching being unhandicapped. It was an incredible learning environment. I not only looked up to my instructors, I also fed off of my friends/classmates. The energy there is quite incredible (it’s one of the best kept secrets in the country)….that is, if you really “get it”, and are willing to partake and work. I just wish I would have worked harder. However, I think I did work hard, it just took me a bit longer to develop and see my potential. There isn’t really a formulated way of “getting it” in design (or life for that matter). The “getting it” comes more individually…finding that certain thing that lights the fire. After visiting several design firms and professional working atmospheres, I would always come home disappointed and unfullfilled. I felt the things that I could do best, and really enjoyed doing, weren’t found in a lot of design firms. And being very protective of my creative abilities, and very private, I did not want to work in a potentially smoothering situation. I don’t see anything wrong with designers working in those environments, it just wasn’t my calling and I just didn’t want to go that route personally. So, after doing a few music related projects on the side and being inspired by a lecture from legendary designer Art Chantry (who simply told me, “Expect to starve…several times over.”), I decided to drop-out of school, move to Kansas City and begin my own design adventure. Fortunately, I kind of hit it at the right time because music poster designers are getting a lot more creative recognition than they used to. Of course, now you can throw a rock and hit a poster designer. 0​3) You obviously do a lot of work for local bands in Kansas City such as the James Dean Trio, Namelessnumberheadman, and The Elevator Division. What can you say about the local music scene there and how it has influenced your work? In college I befriended the band Elevator Division, started designing for them, and we all eventually moved into a large, old house in January of 2002. For over two years that orange and poop-brown Kansas City ghetto home leaked with productivity. It was an incredible creative monster at it’s peak of development…DJG Design operated out of an old photography studio in the basement and a nook in the garage that was literally made out of old doors and mattresses, Elevator Division practiced and recorded in the basement (along with four or five other bands/projects along with a part time recording studio), there was creative writing brimming out of the top floor and much chaos on the two floors in between. At one point you couldn’t fit another person in there. Full-time inhabitants were sleeping on floors and couches and touring bands/musicians would stay there about every other weekend and there was always a visitor or two. I think there were close to ten or twelve people actually living there at one time (which I’m sure is illegal). When we sat down to do the exact family tree of our time in the house it was astounding as to how many people stayed or lived there….we even had rats coming up from the local doughnut shop and random birds coming out of the walls…even a cat or two. However, all great towers are toppled and thus Bunker 5032 collapsed in the Spring of 2004. I am very thankful for the time we all shared, and we all peacefully departed our own ways. A lot of things came and went in the wake of that, but I think we all took a little bit of that magic with us. The thing I miss most is the brotherhood we had. We all helped each other, and not just as friends but on a business scale too. For instance, the bands that lived there (I think there was about three or four at one time) and the ones that visited, all needed graphic design…and I could easily be found tormenting myself in the dungeon. For some of my clients/friends who didn’t have a key to the place, I developed a special knock on my West basement wall for them so I could run up and let them in. I’ve never really had to go out of my way with self-promotion…it has been mostly a trickle-down effect. So, this is how I officially started my design odyssey. This is how I was creating at such a rapid rate and meeting so many bands and people that needed my sword of protection. One of my favorite memories from that time is when I was creating the packaging for Elevator Division’s “Whatever Makes You Happy” EP. I had wrestled with my design for a couple of months, and finally completley changed it at the last minute of the production process. This project was made out of cardboard, with each design individually cut, glued and spray painted by my shaky hands. In one of the biggest rain storms that I can remember, my idea (and I) came alive like Frankenstein’s monster. I was spray painting out of a small room in the basement and was starting to get a little nauseous from the fumes and pure madness of it all. In the third hour, a loud crack of thunder shook that mighty house frame and I bursted out of the basement in a large puff of red, and with red paint streaming out of my nostrils, ears and hair. I then dived off of the front porch, head-first down the small grass embankment and into the gushing current in the street…all of this in full view of the drug dealing squatters that stayed across the street. Anyway, it is one of my favorite designs and favorite design moments. Since moving my operations into a small apartment on my own, and not really getting out to shows much, I don’t have the outlet for client potential and client relationship like I once did. Though, I gained great assets in privacy, two kitty cats and keeping things in order, it was a strange transition because the life in some of my friendships died a bit and I didn’t know how I was going to continue my design quest. In the past year I haven’t done the amount of work like I did in the first two years, but I am still doing a lot. And no matter how much I do I still need more to pull out from under my pillow in the morning. I do set goals to make at least fifty posters a year, but I always feel like that’s a wimpy goal to accomplish. My main client right now is The Brick, a really great music venue in Kansas City, Missouri. I still make posters for other various shows/bands/musicians, but the ones I do for The Brick are always some of my favorites. I also have an exhibition there every December. It’s kind of a yearly DJG Design bowel cleaning. I still design for local indie lable The Record Machine from time to time and anyone else who comes knocking. I also have many things in the works and some plans to get my name out a bit more too. A milestone in my new place was having sixteen nice design girls from Iowa State University visit. It was so nice. I don’t think I could have done that while living with a bunch of guys. There is a pretty decent music (and art) scene here in Kansas City and in Lawrence, Kansas. Though, at times it feels non-existent. But, perhaps that’s because I’m not really into the whole thing…which is kind of strange because I like music and I like producing music graphics. Also, scenes can be very band wagon-like sometimes…and sometimes bands have to show their worth by making it in other cities before they are fully recognized and appreciated here. The older I get the less shows I go to, or even want to go to…I kind of maxed-out my concert punch card a couple years ago and I am usually too broke or tired. It’s not that I don’t care, I kind of just stay home more, watching movies and studying…or designing. It’s kind of funny how I slipped under the radar here. I am so out of a loop that is so small and fragile that the people who are in it are probably behind at times too. I’ve got nothing against it all, it’s just kind of interesting how I’m not really a part of it. I’m well into my fourth year here, and though I’ve got my work up around town, and nationally recognized in magazines and books…it seems like I’m still not really known here. I’m ok with that though. I’ve always kind of kept a low profile without even trying to. I just get up and do my thing. And as a designer I don’t really have to show my physical face…though, I guess I do expose many faces of myself through the work. But, that’s left up to subjective interpretation. Anyway, It would be detrimental for the city if they had to watch me give the six o’clock news every night. 0​4) Your paintings and illustrations seem to feature a lot of animals. Is this a personal interest of yours? My most vivid memories/experiences have all involved animals in some way. Growing up on a farm extremely helped me pass the time. I was never bored. There was always a new adventure and animals played a major role in my life. I have too many random incidents and stories to tell (and I do not want to take up all of the indie workshop server space). However, one of the things that had a major role in my life was a dead animal backpack that my grandmother made for me. It was denim and lined with plastic for easy cleanup. Very quite brilliant and I wish I still had it. Sadly though, I think it was tossed for stinky reasons some time ago. I don’t really think a lot about the animals depicted in my work. A lot of times when I work it’s like a “Choose Your Own Adventure”. Things just keep building until they are complete, or they just kind of happen. Hardly ever do I consciously make a decision to draw an animal unless I truly need one. Once I had a thought of doing a Noah’s Ark-like tribute. Perhaps I’ll jump on the boat this instant. The best thing I’ve done since I was a child, depicts a lonely handicapped water buffalo that I brought to life while on hold with the phone company. Sadly though, precious Mortimer was stolen at an exhibition…and more so, I did not have any copies, slides, or scans…nor can I even begin to reproduce him. He is sadly missed each day. Hopefully he will come back to me, and justice will reign on the poor soul(s) who cheated me. If I do really start thinking about animals…which you have gotten me to do… well, apart from animals adapting to man and invention, I think about how they haven’t really changed much (at least from my unscholared animal knowledge). I find their need for survival and reproduction so much more intelligent and superior than ours. Sometimes I sit and wonder what my voice sounds like in an animal’s ears…or what their thoughts are about me. I also think about the beast in man…that constant wrestle. And if I could be an animal, I’d perhaps be a centaur with dust mops as hind legs with a cookie dangled in front of my crooked teeth. However, most centaurs prefer to romp naked, and I would not be comfortable with that. ​0​5) Personally, I’m interested in how an artist’s childhood has influenced their creative output, particularly Midwesterners. How do you think your life so far has inspired your work? While developing in my toddler and grade school bedrooms/art classes, I really enjoyed that head-to-hand doodling and scribbling…that awkward imagery, in a world that was mine (and I still do). I think that those glorious and beautiful naive drawings and things that we all did…and more importantly, our young ways of thinking…that stuff is the real meat and potatoes of life and has a higher value of truth and purity than most professional art and design, business and so-ons. Growing up on a farm in the Midwest definitely played a major role in my artistic development. It’s so interesting because I don’t know where I got my artistic jeans from. There are very few artists in my collective family tree, that I know of. As I extend those jeans in design form, my siblings are too in their own ways…my younger brother is a musician, my older brother works at Disney World and my sister has a young child of her own, so I guess she is going through all of that art and discovery stuff right now too. We were definitely raised in a rural society, but it’s almost like we never finished growing on that branch in some regards. I feel that in some weird way a mold was kind of broken. I don’t know how it happened. It’s not like we were gifted, considered golden or special by any means… we started as children like everyone else. We were always drawing or creating, every week we were into something new. My brothers and sister and I would always be in the sand box, yard, creek, timber, and bedroom, re-creating the places or things we had just visited and experienced: tractor pulls, theme parks, state fairs, museums, sporting events, cities, movies, television…you name it we framed it. I don’t think my parents ever really put a cap on our creativity or with what we could or couldn’t do, even with movies and television programming. I can remember always watching cartoons and creative movies and tv shows…sometimes violent and filthy ones. Always playing war, building forts and tree houses, drawing WWII battle scenes with my dad, dragging dead animals into the yard with the dogs, even hunting at a young age. Even in high school, when everyone else my age was moving on with dating, going out…the typical stuff, I managed to continue to hold onto a large chunk of my childhood. Sometimes I would rather spend my nights and free time drawing or researching in my room…hmmm, actually I haven’t really changed much. One of the little things growing up that I remember (and try to apply with life) is how some of the kids had the giant boxes of crayons (you know, the box that had fifty different colors or something ridiculous like that?). Well, I always had the small pack and I knew it took more than a bunch of colors or a name brand to get me where I personally wanted to go. I could go on and on about my childhood (short snippets of it can be read on my website). More importantly, I and my siblings were raised in a good home. We were taught right from wrong and we knew our limits. At times we certainly weren’t the best kids, but my parents gave us everything they could. I am very thankful for my upbringing (Thanks Mom and Dad), and I appreciate it more and more the older I get. It’s funny because when I was in high school there was a hunger in me that wanted to get out of that rural environment so bad…but, now that I’m older, it’s nice to to go back to the farm. I think that someday I would like to live on a farm, but I would want to be a little bit closer to a larger city. Perhaps I’ll even get a chicken or two. Anyway, it’s not that I thought I was a great artist as a child/young adult…I just enjoyed it. However, when I finally decided to pursue a future in art and I got to the point when I started recognizing for myself what “real” drawing and “real” design was, I realized that my skills lacked (or, at least I thought they did). This I especially found out with my first couple of years in college. It was like starting over. At times I didn’t think all of this was meant for me. It was really discouraging and I fell behind a bit. It wasn’t until my third year, after finally getting the strength to take illustration classes, that I really started getting comfortable with myself again. I really started “getting it” and learning how to apply myself to “it”. I finally started discovering things about myself again. It was such a crucial moment in my life. I was like a kid again and having fun with it…actually getting something out of it and not just doing it for a passing grade. From there I stopped wrestling with my drawing self, and with a few other parts of myself. Through the more recent years I’ve also found my eyes popping-in-love with Folk Art, Graffiti, Polish Posters, Push Pin Studios, Jean-Michel Basquiat, Saul Steinberg, Cy Twombly, Paul Klee, Joan Miro…I could go on and on. However, it seems that so many kids really find their sense of design smell by picking other people’s noses. They may be really good at it, but hand-me-downs can only get you so far before they begin to fall apart. I think it is great to study others, maybe even borrow a piece of yarn or two. Everyone does it, everyone has their influences and certain kings ‘n’ wings in their own design heavens. But, it can be dangerous if crucial development doesn’t take place on a personal level. I’m not saying that you have to be one-hundred-percent fresh, or have to go a certain route…that’s near impossible, nothing is completely original anymore. However, it’s putting your own touch on it…a thumb print…a soul. That is what gets me off the couch to do this. If I couldn’t find myself in my own work, learn more about myself, and really get my hands dirty, then I would take a scoop shovel to all of it ( and roast a hot dog or two). Somedays it’s like learning to walk again…or Indian arrowhead hunting…or plucking fatted ticks from the farm dog and squishing them with a stick…or studying for a fifth grade spelling test when the words were starting to get a bit more challenged…or stressing over who to take to the prom, when you honestly don’t want to attend…but you end up going and having a good time anyway. So, I’m a believer in everything that has made up my life has brought me to this point in this here interview. I don’t think I’m explaining all of this in the exact way that I want to…but it is close, and foremost I trust you “get it”. Thank you for your valuable time, patience and showing interest in me and my work. Spread the good word. Now, get to work! -djg

[vicioushyperbolizer]

Nurseydex prompt where the team forces Dex and Nursey into a closet or supply room or some small space so theyll talk and deal w the UST and finally get together but once the door is closed Dex starts having a panic attack either bc small space (memories of bullying? Claustrophobic?) and bc he's forced to talk FEELINGS w Nursey and its all 2 much and Nursey tries to convince the team to let them out while also comforting Dex thru this and ends with them getting out and start (secretly?) dating

So, I deviated away from the prompt a little. Mostly because I didn’t feel like Bitty, who had been locked in a closet before, would even a LITTLE bit approve of this plan if he had been consulted. Hopefully you like it.

Dex wasn’t freaking out. He wasn’t.  Except, yeah, he totally was freaking out.

“Dude, you spend your summers on a boat, how are you claustrophobic?” The fact that Nursey wasn’t the least bit bothered just made things so much worse.

“Shut the fuck up, I’m not claustrophobic. I just don’t like closed spaces. And it’s different on a boat.”

Dex was going to fucking kill Holster. Maybe Ransom, too, since they did everything together and he probably had a hand in it, too. Once they got out of the basement supply closet, that was. At least Holster turned on the light before he locked them in.

He should have known better, honestly. When he got an urgent text saying that one of the pipes in the closet was leaking everywhere, he knew it sounded off somehow. For one thing, Dex couldn’t remember there being pipes in the supply closet; they were on the other side of the basement entirely. For another thing, it was the middle of the day and the only person who would be at the Haus would be Nursey, who had a midday break on Tuesdays and Thursdays that he used to nap in Chowder’s room.

Or at least, everyone else was supposed to be in class, but it was undoubtedly Holster’s voice that he heard as the door slammed behind a sleepy-faced and half-dressed Nursey.

“Work out your shit, dudes. I’m on a mission to relieve the Haus of any and all sexual tension before I graduate. I’ll be back for you two later.”

It took about two minutes before Nursey gave up his half-assed efforts at trying to open the clearly locked door. It only took Dex one and a half before it started getting harder to take a full breath.

Okay, so maybe he was a little claustrophobic. And maybe he was a lot freaking out. And maybe verging on hyperventilating and a full blown panic attack. He tried to remember the techniques his childhood therapist taught him to calm himself down, but he couldn’t focus.

He was stuck in a cycle of cantbreath-breathingtoofast-needmoreair-cantbreat.

Dex came back to himself with a warm hand on his shoulder and a steady stream of words flowing around him. His back was braced against the door and Nursey was crouched in front of him, looking more serious than Dex had ever seen him.

“There you go, just like that. Breathe with me. You back with me, Will?”

He nodded, but couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He felt his face flush in embarrassment. Dex couldn’t fucking believe he had a panic attack, his first in over two years, in front of Nursey of all people.

Nursey sat back on his haunches, and rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry I was chirping you about being claustrophobic. I didn’t know it was actually a thing. It never, like, come up before.”

The way he moved brought Dex’s attention to the thick bands of ink on Nursey’s bicep, the powerfully corded muscles of his forearm, and the fact that he was incredibly shirtless. Dex barely held down the hysterical feeling laughter that was bubbling up in his chest.

The horrifying and hilarious truth of the matter was that Holster… wasn’t wrong. Or at least, he was half right. Dex was embarrassingly attracted to Nursey. He thought it was hiding it well, but apparently not. Jesus fucking christ, he was minutes out of a panic attack and his first thought was to ogle Nursey.

He had to find a way out. Between the stress of being stuck in a fucking closet (literally, in this case, because fuck knows he’s used to being stuck in the metaphorical closet), and the stress of…. Nursey, he wasn’t sure if he could handle it. And who knew how long Holster would leave them there.

Dex scrubbed a hand over his hair. “It’s whatever, man. Like you said, never came up.”

He tried his best to think about anything except the walls of the closet, and just how tight the space felt. Dex focused on the scratchy feel of his hair on his palms, the hole in the toe of his sock, the place where his leg was flung out and it brushed against Nurse’s soft cotton sleep pants. The place where his jeans felt a little too tight, where his cell phone was pressed into his thigh.

Goddamn it. Of course, his fucking phone. With fumbling fingers, he tried to pull it out of his pocket. The flush reignited under his skin. Stupid fucking panic attacks and stupid fucking anxiety and stupid goddamn Holster. The more he struggled with it, the more difficult it was to shove his hand into his jeans.

Dex felt his heart rate rising, his blood pumping in his ears, and hot tears forming in the corners of his eyes. Nursey seemed to understand what he was trying to do. He slowly pulled Dex’s hands away from his pocket and slipped his own nimble fingers into the denim before quickly pulling out Dex’s phone. He handed it to Dex only long enough to swipe the unlock code, then Nursey took it back and quickly began typing away.

When Dex noticed that his hands were still shaking, a fresh wave of tears tried to push its way out. The anger helped him get the panic under control, just a little. He pressed his palms down on the concrete, hard, trying to visualize pushing all the way through the foundation.

He wasn’t sure how long he stayed sitting that way, how long Nursey spent texting on his phone. He zoned out until he felt a warm hand cover his own. He looked down, amazed at how warm Nursey was and how cold his own was.

“Bitty’s on his way. Think you can make it another five minutes or so?”

Dex nodded. It’s not like they had any other choice, anyway. Nursey nodded back, before he cleared his throat.

“So…” Dex had hoped they could avoid the whole talking part of things, just sit there until Bitty let them back out. Apparently, Nursey actually wanted to talk, though. Dex didn’t have the energy to try to fight him on it.

Dex let his head knock back against the door. “What?”

“I’m not, like… bothering you, right?”

Dex could barely contain his laughter. Generally, the answer to that question was yes, Nursey was bothering Dex. His fake chill demeanor, his stupidly pretty face, the chirps Dex desperately wanted to be flirting but weren’t. It all bothered Dex way more than he wanted it to.

“Probably, but what specifically are you talking about?”

Nursey looked… Was he blushing? Dex lifted his head so he could get a better look at his partner. Yes, definitely blushing.

“The, y’know. The whole sexual tension thing. The flirting.”

Dex couldn’t figure out what Nursey meant. It was the right subject, but Nursey wasn’t telling Dex to back off, because he was making things super awkward, and couldn’t he just see that Nursey wasn’t interested?

Nursey must have read the confusion on Dex’s face, because he followed up with, “I don’t try to, but apparently i don’t try hard enough not to. If it makes you uncomfortable or whatever, I can stop.”

“Wait, what? But I was the one flirting with you.”

They stared at each other, wide-eyed for a second. Dex leaned forward, moving slowly so that Nursey could pull back if he needed to. He pressed their lips together, a barely there kiss. And then another, and another.

A few seconds later, shouting from upstairs broke them apart.

Bitty yanked open the door looking the picture of a southern storm. He quickly looked Nursey and Dex up and down to make sure they were okay, then turned on his heel, and started marching back up the basement steps. Dex was very glad that he wasn’t Holster right now.

He picked himself up from the floor, then held a hand down to Nursey, who threaded their fingers together once he was standing. They both leaned in. Dex was so ready to put the whole mess behind him, and maybe definitely make out for the next two hours. Suddenly, Nursey pulled back.

“But, like… How does working on a boat work when you’re claustrophobic?”

Dex rolled his eyes, but pulled Nursey back in for another kiss.

[griffinsanddragons]

So About Hinata’s Story...

I’ve gotten into Naruto again and I have a lot to say.

I told myself not to do it, but @crowlesbian told me I might as well, so I wrote this in an attempt to get across how I’d personally rewrite Hinata and Neji’s story to maximize their character development. 

I’ve seen some people write their own but this is simply my take.

You see, Hinata isn’t a character we see a whole lot in the manga so there isn’t really much to go off of because Naruto has what I affectionately refer to as ‘Sailor Moon Syndrome.'

Because like Sailor Moon, only a few members of the cast have character development. Understandably Naruto is the title character so of course, those closest to him (that being Team 7) are the main focus and it’s fine.

[[This is, however, why I believe both the  Sailor Moon and Naruto anime are more beloved: The humanization of the other characters.

(The best example is Rock Lee, whose only real story arc happened in Part 1. Nevertheless, he remains a popular and beloved character and people enjoy the episode’s with him in it.)

The anime did a great job with the stories unfolding around Naruto by developing the other members of the Konoha 11, the other Jonin, etc… regardless of whether or not it’s ‘canon’ to the source material or not, I personally choose to consider the anime as canon to itself — it’s simply a different way to tell the same story and while some of the episodes are a bit, uh, much and many times out of place, I appreciate it.

But I digress.]]

The point is we don’t see Hinata much so there really isn’t much to go off. Nevertheless, I believe her story could have been better had more emphasis been put on her role as a member of the Hyuga Clan and her relationship with Neji.

The problem is that Neji and Hinata’s stories are intrinsically intertwined but the more interesting parts of their relationship aren’t very well presented if you ask me.

On the outside, yes, Neji and Hinata’s story begins as your average Genius vs. Loser face off, but there’s much more than that going on.

Their story is about Social Class and Privilege.

Neji’s anger at the Main House of the family wasn’t unjustified, he was right and things aren’t actually solved just because he learned his Father choose to die in place of Hiashi…

[Keep Reading]

The Branch Family lives to serve the Main Branch and while it’s hinted things began to change, er… there isn’t really any definitive information about that.

I don’t want to spend too much time on things we already know, but Neji was angry because he believed his father was murdered in the place of his uncle.

And it frustrated him to know that no matter how talented he was or how high he ranked, his literal purpose was to serve the Main Branch of his family.

He’s so talented he was able to learn so much by himself but how many other Neji’s are in the Side Branch? How many bright and talented kids never even get the chance to learn the more advanced family techniques because they’re forbidden to be taught to them?

How many have been punished via Cursed Seal for having the audacity to be unhappy?

Meanwhile, Hinata’s suffering isn’t necessarily caused by the Main House / Side Branch Family structure, but it is a symptom of it:

Her problems stem from the fact her Father has deemed her too unworthy to be considered the heir for the Main Branch of the family and disowned(?) her due to her more gentle and timid personality (if she were a member of the side branch I’m sure this wouldn’t be a problem.)

But what does all this mean?

Well, it means that Neji and Hinata’s story should have been about them trying to fix the system that lead to their troubles in the first place.

And here’s how I think it should go:

In their fight, Hinata mentions that she shows Neji is suffering but I don’t think she knows the full extent of it. I’d like it if she learned that during his fight with Naruto.

Neji’s putting all his family’s business out there anyway, so it might as well be used to set something else up.

After Hiashi apologizes to Neji, tells him the truth and begins training him, Hinata should speak with Neji.

They have their first real heart-to-heart where he apologizes for trying to kill her and she apologizes for not realizing just how badly he’s been suffering and promises that she’ll do whatever she’s able to help him and everyone else who’s suffering thereby giving her a new goal.

Never breaking a promise is her nindo, after all, and it’s definitely a worthy goal.

Neji would simply thank her for her apology.

From there on out, Hinata trains hard to obtain her new goal–becoming strong enough to reclaim her status as Clan Heir.

She trains harder with Kiba and Shino and as her resolve strengthens they begin to perform better on missions.

Hiashi and Hanabi begin to notice her newfound resolve and so does Neji.

He begins to think that maybe she’s serious about what she promised (prompting a flashback of Naruto claiming he’ll never go back on his word and will become Hokage,) and he goes to watch Hinata train.

She still has trouble pushing herself while training alone and Neji extends the offer to assist her.

Hinata agrees and that’s when they begin training.

Kurenai, Kiba, and Shino notice how much better her relationship with her family has gotten and how cheerful she’s become now.

Neji’s a strict teacher but a really good one and she begin improving quickly.

Their newfound relationship shouldn’t just benefit Hinata, however, it should also benefit Neji.

So as they grow closer as friends, Neji begins to feel more comfortable telling Hinata about his dreams and ambitions, the ridiculous antics of his team and things like that.

Gai, Lee, and Tenten begin to notice a change in Neji too. He seems less on edge than usual and begins improving his performance as well.

He’s been able to perfect and refine his understanding of what Hiashi teaches him by applying it to his lessons with Hinata. (because once you truly understanding something you’re able to teach it.)

This is where things really take a turn because I think that Hinata should begin to admire Neji as her inspiration.

She doesn’t have to stop liking Naruto or stop admiring him–he’ll always be the person who inspired her first— but it would be nice to see her take inspiration from other people too.

Because Neji didn’t have anyone there to teach him, he didn’t have anyone to really encourage him to get up and keep trying, he learned all of this on his own, he became strong on his own and he did it while knowing he was ‘only’ a member of the side branch of the family.

Neji is amazing and she hopes to one day be as strong as him.

Eventually, they take the Chunin Exams again and Hinata becomes a Chunin. Neji, of course, becomes a Jonin and they begin working on the Gentle Step Twin Lion Fists in hopes she can further impress her Father and Hanabi.

Hiashi asks Neji what spurred Hinata to start working so hard and why he agreed to help her and Neji simply tells him they have a goal they must work together to obtain–because he fully believes in his and her power to do this.

They’ve also become best friends.

Gai believes that Neji really has the makings of a teacher and is proud of him for coming so far. He has so much youthful determination!

This, of course, spurs on Lee and Tenten to train even harder!

In fact, it’s clear to everyone how far both he and Hinata have come thanks to their training together.

Not wanting to fall behind, Shino and Kiba up their training and Team 8 have risen to become one of the best tracking teams in the village!

Over this time Hinata begins to have a more sunny disposition. She still has anxiety because those things don’t really go away so easily but it’s a bit more manageable now so by the time she meets Naruto again maybe she won’t faint.

Nevertheless, she’s happy to see him.

Naruto’s story pans out as usual.

Hinata, as always, tries to buy time for Naruto by jumping in front of Pain, confesses her feelings but also feels sorry she couldn’t keep her word to Neji—Pain almost kills her, Naruto beats him up, and everyone turns out ok.

When Hiashi learns Hinata jumped in front of Pain he muses about how much she’s grown and speaks with her about how admirable her actions were. He tells her she’s happy she’s alright and that making difficult choices is something a leader must always do. Hiashi also lets her know that believes she’s shaping up to be a really good one under Neji’s influence.

At this point, Hanabi realizes that Hinata might actually reclaim her status as heir to the clan and they decide to spur each other on —neither wanting to lose but also wanting to fight while the other is at their best.

[If I wanted to get into any shipping stuff I guess this is where Naruto would ask Hinata if she was alright and if maybe she’d want to get some ramen when Ichiraku is rebuilt. He also makes a point to say goodbye to her when he goes to talk to the Raikage, to the Falls of Truth and whenever else he leaves the village, alluding to them become closer as friends.)

Anyway—

Hinata greatly improves her confidence and taijutsu abilities in time for the 4th Great Ninja War.  

She and Neji fight side by side and protect a lot of people.

They both survive. Naruto pulls some protagonist shit and protects them from the splinters.

[Again I guess this would be where Naruto tells Hinata how happy he is that he got to save her from danger this time and it’s cute or whatever. They hold hands when Naruto takes time to ask if she’s okay and she’s happy she gets to stand beside him and all that jazz.)]

Regardless, both Neji and Hinata are trapped by The Infinite Tsukuyomi where they both have similar dreams about uniting the Hyuga Clan. (In Hinata’s case I guess Naruto could be there to congratulate her on fulfilling her dream.)

Sometime after the war, Neji begins to think about becoming a Jonin leader since he seems to have a knack for teaching and asks Gai what he thinks about the idea first.

Gai is very proud of him and thinks he’ll do great! Now he’ll have his own students to pass his youth unto! And Neji is very pleased.

After the war everything is peaceful and happy. 

(Naruto and Hinata begin spending more time together as friends and then Naruto decides he really likes Hinata and tries to ask her on an official date but she’s been busy preparing for a very important duel with her sister. 

When he finally gets the chance, the events of ‘The Last Movie’ take place and Toneri kidnaps Hanabi. Neji was off on a mission or something so he isn’t part of the Hanabi rescue team. Either that or he joins them and makes it a six man squad??? idk.

At some point, someone (Sai?) might ask Hinata why she’s fighting so hard to get Hanabi back when she’s competition for her. Hanabi stands in the way of her dreams. But Hinata tells him that, while that’s true, her sister matters more to her than the title. She and Neji can fulfill their dreams without hurting anyone or leaving them behind.)

When both Hanabi and Hinata are adults and Hiashi is ready to retire, they fight to see who will become heir to the Hyuga Clan.

Within this time Neji and Hinata managed to rally Hanabi to their cause as well as some others who see the need to change.

While I’d like Hinata to win as a show for all her hard work, I think I’d have to give the heir position to Hanabi anyway.

Regardless the three of them all work together to reform the clan.

Hanabi as the head, Neji as her advisor and Hinata can help train some of the younger clan members in both The Gentle Fist Taijutsu and Tracking, which she, Kiba and Shino are still greatly recognized for.

Meanwhile, all of Team Gai becomes Legendary Shinobi! 

(I guess this is where Hinata marry’s Naruto and starts her own family. Neji helps to oversee Boruto’s training and visits them a lot. When Himawari becomes a ninja she’s assigned to Neji’s Squad.)

Nevertheless Hinata, Neji and Hanabi remain close and everything is beautiful.

I say all of this not because I dislike Hinata, but because I like her. She’s a good character but Kishimoto could have done more with her story and tied it into her family issues better.