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im still hurt over january
#i still don't feel like i can trust you emotionally.#you don't get angry with a suicidal person#especially the person you married#how am i going to move on from this? when you show me that you care about my mental state.#you haven't even asked me if you can do anything for me while ive been off work due to mental health for over a month#it's like you don't even care
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it seems like every single winter we have had some type of issue. and i know im putting in the work. but it feels like you aren't.
#8 years ago i was head over heels#i feel like i can't trust you with my emotions and fears anymore#im trying to ask you about yourself and how i can help you every single day#and i don't get that courtesy back#and if i do. it's not met with follow ups#at best you acknowledge it. not validation that's different#and every winter i find myself in an absolute slump and im starting to think you're the problem#because im doing everything in my power to improve my mental health alone#and when's the last time you did anything emotionally for me???#because it sure as shit wasn't there in january#and i had to fucking pry it out of you half a year later that you felt remorse and never actually apologized#take accountability because im not your fucking mom#im not holding your hand to get through life when you've had 6 more years than me to develop life skills#and i had a really shitty childhood. yet i learned all these skills on my own.#your experiences do not compare to mine#and yet you have so many excuses to have never learned life skills#be fucking fr. you don't care to put the work in#not to grow. not to develop your life skills.#and when you're in a new situation you're so anxious you're upset and overwhelmed#i feel like i am being treated like your emotional regulator and mother#literally holding your hand through setting up a card. and you just had to read the fucking sticker you peeled off. rolled up. and then#threw away without thinking about if it could possibly mean something#c'mon. you're not even trying.
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"You okay?"
"No I'm struggling"
Nothing further. Fuck off.
#like im not asking for the moon here#what i am asking for is emotional regulation and communication#and for you to want to grow as well. but i don't think you want to#adhd is real and influences how hard it is to schedule appointments#i might be done. and i don't want to be#but if you're not willing to take care of yourself and show up emotionally for me#don't be surprised if i walk out
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If I get violently high every day I don't have to feel this and then one day I'll die.
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I'm exhausted mentally. I know I'm going to be disappointed but I'm trying not to be so negative. But I know the truth. I want to be cared for. I want to be shown the same affection I give. I want to be held. I want to be told everything is okay and that I've got you. I want to be wanted.
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I can't place my finger on it but I'm severely unwell. I want to open up to him but he's so exhausted from work.
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