#ive been kinda struggling a lot lately
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i think the most frustrating thing is that i know whats wrong with me exactly and sometimes i am very aware of what im doing but for some reason i dont know how to stop it. i know the justifications for pushing people away (for example) are correct but it doesnt mean that i automatically can stop it. i feel like im just watching myself do things without control sometimes
#im just worried iguess#ive been kinda struggling a lot lately#and i am incredibly afraid that my girlfriend is going to leave me#because im so difficult#but i dont know how to fix myself#so instead i just sit in bed and cry#im scared im going to ruin my own life#and just watch it happen
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smoochy acquired
#sukugo#gosuku#jjk#smth cute i did instead of me other wips#lately ive been having a lot of sukugo kissy thoughts#also im kinda in love with this chibi gojo and his dumb face#jujutsu kaisen#f.art#f.stuff#gojo satoru#ryoumen sukuna#i think i need a new stylus it's not working properly OTL i was. struggling.
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rhesus negative
#homestuck#hom3stuck#home2t4ck#home24uck#dirk strider#admin draws#fanart#a lot of scattered doodles. i havent been doing much rendered shit lately#cycled like 7km today in 36 celsius heat to collect my passing grade in orgo im fucking exhauussted#i just finished my exams and im travlelign tomorrow so. goodbye to csp for a month. and helllooo medibang#though i still have some csp backlog to post#ive been kinda struggling w drawing the last few days hopefully this isnt an omen of things to come#caption is name of a song by blanck mass which ive been listening to a fair bit
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what if a goat had a sword
#i wish to put goats in more situations;#to do that i will srlsy need to get better at efficiently rendering said situations#ive been using that word a lot lately but 'struggle' is still the best way to describe the. process.#tried to do this one kinda the same way i did the burger goat ! didn't work out as well i don't feel#burger goat def was a stroke of luck#shevr#my lines
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Thinkin on it again and i think one of the reasons i liked Firmament chapter 2 so much, aside from the cool library plot aspect, is that it was so character driven.
Especially with the expansion on Tatterdemelion and the introduction of Summer (im obsessed with her but we knew that), it gave such a fun, chill way to have us bond with the characters well still advancing the plot in an interesting way
I've been so in want of NPC expansion and i really hope that the rest of the story continues along that line
and doesn't fall too far into the specific kind of body horror aspects i cant personally deal with lol
#i managed through light fingers okay so we'll see XD and ive kinda been through a weird brain place re: the body lately#i really liked it. i really liked those specific characters... i want more.#i always feel vaguely stuck creative wise when a story is in process#because i dont... idk. when i dont have a full image of a character i struggle to create?#like. similar reason i dont do a lot with SH. i still feel like im missin too much info#ill def draw summer at some pt i have ideas of the back brain#but i cant really form a full character dynamic with my own ocs quite yet until I Know#(and yall know what i suspect so IT would be a big doozy if true)#prophet's fl nonsense#firmament fl
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a collection of doodles done recently, refs used
#ama doodles#aurora (oc)#ive been drawing aurora a lot lately and thats mostly bc i wanted to work on her facial proportions#i want to work on how i draw faces in general and i felt aurora suffered a lot from my very big eye and lack of fully settled#facial details. so ive been trying to work a lot on it#the two headshots were made with refs i still struggle drawing the face i want to give her freehand tho#none of this to be negative btw just sharing my thoughts! its the thought process of trying to improve#on a lighter note the other one is inspired by a silly convo with another player about aurora and her pc being so traumatized#and i sent the original meme pic then decided to draw it lol#i think this is the best ive ever draw my friends pc im kinda proud of that silly doodle of her
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😕
#rant in the tags#ok so#ik ive pretty much just been drawing eli#ive been struggling a lot with my identity and self worth lately and i think drawing him helps me process that shit a bit#since#he is basically just me#but anyway#i also havent been drawing much else lately because ive kinda just#lost interest?#in everything?#idc#idc about any shows or games or anything like#everythings just so#meh#and i dont wanna do anything#and it sucks#i miss having special lil guys#lil skrungles#i dont have any anymore#like#i still love characters and think of them and see them and go aww its them but like#i dont get that.#Thing yk#idk#knightish draws#digital drawing#drawing#oc#oc elijah#rottmnt oc
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Helloooooo everyone hi, so as you may or may not know I'm trying to get things together to start offering art commissions because I'm facing a lot of pressure to earn more money for my family, but while I'm trying to sort all that out and have better examples of my digital art (and tbh wanna save up for a good art scanner so I can better do half my work traditionally and half digitally) but anywho yes while I'm sorting all that out I was wondering if it would be worthwhile setting up a ko-fi just to get some passive tips and hopefully alleviate some of the stress I'm feeling from family stuff. So below I'll just have a poll of some different stuff, I really wanna gauge where my followers are at with such things
And of course I'd love feedback in the replies!
#unfortunately i cant offer things like cosplay commissions at this moment#im also like mrrp i probably cant offer physical art at the moment either bc thats a lot of work working out shipping stuff and#and material costs that i dont have good ways to parse just yet#but it is something im interested in the future#especially since im traditionally a sketch and watercolour artist but im also trying to get into doll making#but anywho#i know it can be weird when an artist starts looking for monetary gain but ive had a rough couple years with no real start to my career#and my mom is really cracking down on me lately about needing me to bring in more money and i can kinda tell she really wants me to switch#switch careers to something i would fundamentally hate doing and would burn me out in ways it would be hard to create things anymore#anywho!!! sorry for a sob story in the tags it's just that yea im a struggling neurodivergent artist whos just been having a time recently
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also im so sorry i know im a dteam blog and i know im very inactive and dont really comment on all the things happening but im always here!!! i am sadly chronically online so i see everything that happens i just dont have the energy to blog about it for some reason??? i know it kinda sounds ridiculous but yeah shrugs
#also my anxiety has been really bad lately#and ive never struggled with anxiety like this before#it's messing me up a bit#so im distracting myself a lot#especially with valo lol#but yeah#i know i dont really talk to anyone here#but i thought i would just day something because i kinda feel bad about not being active#which is dumb I KNOW#but anyways#stream good om.ens!!!
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#it’s so weird how u can just feel two extremes and both r just so real#like often ill feel so suicidal and angry and upset etc but then other times I just feel so hopeful for the future and happy w my group#of friends#n both can b true but I just kinda get scared of when I feel rlly depressed n stuff bc it just feels so unbearable#n I just feel so out of control#idk last week was a p good week while socially exhausted#it was acc good to socialise and have fun etc#but idk I get my ups and downs so frequent idk if it’s normal to feel this way#but while im ill I’ve got an interview for college on Friday#trying again idk if ill even get in tbh#and im probably gonna drop out lollllll lit dropped out 4 times already#n every year I try but I’ve been out of work/education since late last year n I just feel I need to do something#even tho I struggle w my mental health a lot n just functioning like going outside and socialising and loads of ppl and noises it’s just#v overwhelming so idk if im just making another mistake but I picked a different course this time and it’s lower than my last so I’m hoping#they’ll give me a shot ig im worried they’re gonna judge me for dropping out so much but tht was care#and I just don’t wanna work w children / care anymore#and ive done social sciences before just the foundation level so I wanna progress#journal
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ithink its very important for me to emphasize that my s/is also have the same chronic illness i do.....i dont like to erase that part of me bc then it feels less like me in a way? i think i deserve to have fun in the story, disability and all. idk if ive said it here, but im fairly sure at this point that i have lupus. i often give my s/is abilities or mobility aids that help in navigating the world theyre in, like my cane or hover boots or being able to summon floating cloud seats ect. it mkes me feel good. idk where i was going w this post lawl im just learning how to love all of me again
#꒰ meow.txt ꒱ ☁️#idk if its been noticable but more recent moth content have kinda been reflecting how my irl state has developed as of late#its gotten. kinda worse recently and ive been struggling with it a lot. fatigue and constant pain especially when standing or moving a lot#its strange trying to adjust. but boy am i trying
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In my sad wandering thoughts, I suddenly remembered one reason why I love cosplaying. At the con I went to last month, a younger child with their parents came up to me when I was dressed as [casual] Scara and they were like, so adorable because they had on a scara hoodie and was carrying a scara doll and I could tell that they were excited to see a Scaramouche and my heart just melted T_T
The joy I feel when I hear my cosplay characters' name being called out with excitement is so great
#make me feel like im actually worth something kinda. even tho its the excitment for the character alone#ive always had bad self esteem and confidence and i struggle with it a lot even now#not to get all depressed on y'all but ive been feeling really shitty lately and im trying so hard not to give in#anyway sorry for rambling my brain hurts#zii.txt#zii.personal#personal i guess?#scaramouche
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listen. romance in the culinary. akechi cannot cook bc he never got the chance to learn. i think he tried experimenting when he first started living on his own, but it went Disastrously bc there's so much backround knowledge you need for even the simplest of things. if you have no one to teach you, it's very difficult to effectively cook.
so goro gives up. he accepts he's a bad cook. he doesnt have time for it anyways.
but akira. akira loves to cook. cooking is a love language, especially for him. he wants the people he loves to be nourished. he wants them to eat well. he wants goro to eat well. so he cooks for him, of course he does.
but romance in the culinary. he realizes the origin of goro's inability to cook. and he decides to try to help fix that. goro didnt have anyone to teach him before, but he does now. akira will teach him how to chop vegetables, how to make soups and noodles and eggs, how to brown meat and fry shrimp. hell, he could teach him how to make sushi too, since goro loves it so much.
with akira's help, he gives goro the chance to have this bit of independence he never had before. as much as akira loves cooking for him, he wants goro to be able to cook for himself. akira will make it happen.
#speculation nation#i have in fact finished one of my diagrams. so im not just slacking off.#but listen ive been thinking a lot lately about how much living in the institutions fucked akechi over#that report i read was honestly kinda horrific lmao. those poor kids.#and yeah. he's honestly incredibly self sufficient all things considered#but he doubtlessly encounters things he was just Never Taught how to do. even now.#the internet is a great resource for this. but for something as variable as Cooking? it's hard to just Teach Yourself.#goro didnt have the time or motivation to struggle through that. so he didnt bother.#but now he has a boyfriend who will teach it to him. willingly. Gladly.#akira wants goro to be well fed. no more instant noodles for this boy#discacc shit#tagging it bc i have things in mind. but this could go for general akeshu too lol
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.....i need to get therapy again
#like in general yes.#but lately ive been struggling with a very specific issue. and i have no idea how to seek out support w it#bc like. a lot of my trauma is stuff my family went thru together. even the not whole family stuff me and my brothers went thru together#like most of the Big Shit i can at the very least turn to ky dad or brothers or even my gma and be like 'do you feel this too?' but with thi#s specific traumatic issue. i... i cant. they may be able ti see where im coming from and sympathize and validate the struggle. but they won#t have the same specific struggle due to our shared trauma. and its kinda terrifying??? bc like. the people around me can support me and lov#e me but. no one has actual solutions on how to cope w the fear of it. i just. i dont know.#the problem is. i have no idea how to find support groups. so i dont even know if thered be some sort of. like. therapist type.or specialty#id look for? tbh i should just look for therapists who can help w depression and trauma and hope they can help w the specifics
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Disobedient- Lady Lesso X Ever!FemReader (NSFW)
Synopsis: You’re a fun little ever, and Lesso can’t wait to play with you.
Word Count: 7.1k 🫣 (yes you read that right)
Warnings: SMUT, possible trigger warning as there will be blood mentioned, knife play, edging, edge play (cause, ya know, knives), kinda blood play, bratty reader, brat tamer Lesso, marking of many types, denial, coercion of admission of feelings 🤭 read it to see if there’s more😈. Also yes part of it is similar to my one shot ‘Celebration’ but since Ive been writing this for damn near a year I don’t care enough to change it. At least you know I wrote both 🥲
A/n: Everyone thank @pebbleswritessometimes for this oneshot cause literally a week ago I didn’t know when or if this would be finished soon, but they wanted and hyped me so they got it 🥰🫶🏻. Also, If you can’t tell, my motivation has been shot lately especially with smut, so this drags but I hope it’s good for you guys! I was trying to get this out a lot sooner than I actually did, my bad. I ended up getting a second job and been busy with both jobs as well as not having much motivation but then I quit said second job and continued to struggle with motivation, sorry it took so long lol hopefully the smut makes up for it. Also, yes, there’s a difference between edging and edge play!! Enjoy!
© This is my work, you have no right to repost my work for any reason without my explicit permission, all rights reserved. Likes, comments, reblogs are always welcomed!
☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎
You were stuck at the white cloth-covered table, sitting basically by yourself. The table next to yours had a couple of Never girls, Dot and Anadil, but they seemed to be sitting by choice. At least, that's what you guessed after they shoved off two boys that walked up to them.
Sitting at a table by yourself at the first ever, Never-Ever dance was certainly not one of the things you had planned for tonight. You just wanted to dance.
You were looking around the ballroom, finding the drastic change in aesthetics amusing. The school was unified but that didn't mean the students didn't stick to what they know. The dance floor was separated into light colors and dark.
Only a few mixed at the tables, but the students kept quiet. Creating a strange feeling in the air.
Your eyes scanned the room. At first, you were looking for your partner, at least, that's what you told yourself.
But then your eyes landed at the front of the ballroom. The two heads of the once-separated halves standing side-by-side, the Deans. The Dean of Good was dressed in a light, poofy ballgown that made her look like a cupcake. While the Dean of Evil remained in her signature dark suit.
This time, it was accented with a deep royal purple ascot, taking you by pleasant surprise. But you could tell this was one of her nicer suits, it fits her a little better than the others. Not that you would know, of course. This is definitely the first time you've taken more than a second to look over the red-haired Dean.
But gods, the way she holds herself. The way she looks at everyone. The way you can practically see her thoughts as she glared at the Never-Ever PDA. The way she would throw her head back laughing at something you desperately wished came from you.
But that's the thing. You kept wishing for things. But as an Ever, you get your wishes, right?
But now, you wished you could watch her shrug off the blazer. To watch her roll the cuffs of her sleeves up to reveal those toned arms. How you wish her hand would wrap around your-
You cleared your throat as if you've been caught red-handed, and you might've. You caught her eyes on you. They lingered longer than a simple look should've. But you're imagining things, now. Maybe a Never spiked the punch you were currently nursing.
'I think I'm mentally cheating. How could I be so disobedient.?'
She smirked at you, it couldn't be at you, right? Right? There's no way she knows what you're thinking. Her eyes landed on you once again, and she did a once-over on you.
And in that moment, you suddenly wished your outfit choice was good enough. You steered away from the baby pinks and champagne colored dresses that all the other Evers wore. Deciding on a royal blue floor length gown that fit to you perfectly but also complimented your skin tone. You thought you were being risqué with the slit that went straight to your hip, but as Lesso's eyes seemed to linger there for a moment, you knew it was a good choice.
You knew you shouldn't, you have a boyfriend.
Boyfriend! That's right, yeah. What was his name again?... Of course, you didn't forget your own boyfriend's name. Your mind certainly isn't occupied with the Dean, of course not. You definitely weren't dating him only to maintain the 'perfect Ever' appearance, nope.
You couldn't help it, her eyes are oh so enticing.
'I think I shouldn't be lookin' in those eyes. Why do they give mе butterflies?'
You took a second to try to find your boyfriend -unaware your thoughts were heard and the dean was barely biting back a smirk- your eyes rolling as you see him entertaining a group of Ever girls. Unconsciously, your eyes went straight back to the fiery-haired Dean. Who, to your surprise, was walking straight to you.
You wouldn't admit that your stomach dropped a little and you got nervous.
She stopped just a few feet from you, "You can't seem to keep your eyes off me, can you little one?"
You decided to hop onto some suddenly present charismatic boldness, you chuckled a little bit and stood to come face-to-face with her, though she was a couple of inches taller than you.
"It's hard not to when you're the best looking person in this room." It was wrong, you both knew that. She's the Dean and you are technically a student. But if it was so wrong, why does it feel so right?
You were well over age, being late to the start of your own story. It was late enough that you thought you'd not get the chance to go to the school and get your own fairytale.
Your heart skipped a beat as she took another step towards you, you never thought she'd be this close to you, especially in front of everyone else.
"I guess I could say same about you, Dove." Her head tilted slightly as she took the opportunity to examine you closer. Something igniting within her once she saw just how revealing your dress was, never mind the low-cut neckline.
You smirked, "Like what you see, do you?"
A humor-filled chuckle escaped her, and you yearned to hear it again, "My, my, what a bold little Ever. How cute." She wouldn't admit that she was honestly a bit surprised by the dress you chose, or that she secretly loved it.
"What? Haven't met anyone that isn't afraid of you?" You had no idea where this confidence of yours came from, but you didn't mind.
She fully chuckled this time, not expecting these remarks to come from you. But again, she did love it.
She started walking towards you, and you started walking backwards. You weren't afraid, that much was clear, but you did want to be away from the near-center of the room. You had no idea if anyone was watching, but you couldn't care less if someone was.
Luckily, your spot in the ballroom wasn't too far from the edges.
She licked her lips, a move that you wanted to watch on repeat, "Perhaps not, but this is going to be fun."
You only stopped moving backwards once you were sure you were at the back of the ballroom, your back hitting the wall being the dead give away, "Oh? I do hope you're not expecting me to just give in and fall to my knees for you." You spoke softly as her body continued to infiltrate your space.
"Oh, you'll be on your knees, pet."
You pulled her by the lapel of her suit, "You're going to have to make me, if you want anything from me." You smirked, tilting your head this time.
"You, my little one, are trenching in great waters."
"Well, luckily, I can swim."
She smirked again at your antics. Oh, she was gonna have fun.
"You really have no idea what you're getting yourself into, do you?" Though Lesso kept her tone, she was being genuine.
"I'm sure you'll enlighten me." You plastered on the most sickly-sweet smile, one that Lesso couldn't wait to taste.
She remained silent, whether is was to think about what she was about to do or to think about what to say, she leaned forward and placed her hand on the wall next to your head.
You took this little moment as a chance to show her what you've got, that you're not one to be underestimated, "Tell me where you want us to go. Tell me, and I'll take you there." She raised her eyebrow at this, enthralled by the possibilities.
"Oh? So, if I say, take me to the gardens, you could do that?" She wanted to believe you, but teleportation is unheard of in the fairytale world, and especially from a student.
You stayed silent, looking into her eyes as you swiftly took hold of her other hand that was placed atop her blazer buttons. Lesso hardly had enough time to react, let alone speak, until she realized that you had taken you both to the gardens.
A big part of you was relieved at finally being alone with her. But you watched as she processed that you could teleport.
Before she had the chance to say anything, you spoke first, "It's not all I can do," You were proud of yourself, and you didn't try to hide it either.
She looked back at you, a new look swirling within her eyes and she hummed, "Really, care to share?" She tried to keep her teasing, uninterested tone but she was curious and it showed.
You fake pondered for a second, "Only if you earn it." You finished off with a smirk, knowing that you weren't necessarily hiding anything.
She chuckled again, filling your stomach with butterflies, "You're just full of surprises, aren't you?"
She could see something unknown within your eyes, "You've got no idea."
She took another step closer to you, your fronts almost completely connected by this move of hers, and she used her pointer finger to push your chin up a bit more, "Well, I'm sure I can figure it out."
You grabbed the top of her shirt that was just under the ascot and used the material to pull her down and closer to you, close enough to smell the scent of whiskey that she probably thought she could hide, "And if I'd rather show you?"
Something overcame Lesso at that move, she wasn't sure what it was but her self control seemed to have dwindled to nothing. Excitement continued to do nothing but fill her, and couldn't wait to see just how much innocence you lacked.
Her eyes went to your lips for a moment before they flicked back to your waiting eyes, "Then show me, Dove."
That was all you needed to pull her even closer and connect your lips with hers, it was something that you both had clearly been waiting for. Gods, you'd be lying if you said you hadn't pictured this moment, and it was even better than imagined.
You moved your arms to wrap around Lesso's neck, pulling her nearly impossibly closer to you. In that moment was when her hands went to your hips as well, slightly squeezing once her hands settled in their spot.
You took this opportunity to take her somewhere else, you certainly wouldn't be complaining if she took you bare in the gardens but you'd prefer to not have the whole school witness such a thing. You took the both of you back to your room.
You lucked out, being such a late comer to the school got you your own room. And you were more than thankful you had just cleaned it.
Lesso pulled back from your lips, not only to catch her breath but to see where you've taken the both of you. She hid her impressed features once she looked from your quaint room back to you. She was unsurprised when she saw the proud look on your face being combined with your very obvious lust.
As your tongue peeked out to wet your lips -to taste Lesso once more- you noticed how her eyes instantly followed the action. So, you played into it, slightly pulling your bottom lip between your teeth.
Once you saw Lesso swallow the lump in her throat, you knew what effect you had on her. You thrived on the reactions she had to you. The subtle way her eyes narrowed at your smart mouth remarks, the way her pupils dilated every time you did, well, anything.
"You know you can look and touch right?"
Lesso sucked her teeth, "I am touching you, pet." She raised her eyebrow in challenge, seeing as her hands were still on your waist from the kiss.
The corner of your mouth twitched in attempts to hide your smirk, knowing that if you challenged her just enough she'd come to her limit and take you right then and there.
"But not in the way we both want you to," You started. "You're not, holding back are you?" This time you didn't hold back your smirk.
Her grip on you noticeably tightened, "I'll tell you this once, pet. Strip for me. Now." Her face remained stoic but you saw the amusement in her eyes.
You wouldn't admit just how her tone had affected you, causing your wetness to increase tenfold, "And if I don't?" It was redundant to say, you would've done anything she asked, but still not without a little bit of a fight.
Lesso summoned a blade, moving the very tip to the top hem of your dress, right in between your breasts. You knew it was sharp with the way the edge caught the light.
In a flash of movement, she pulled the blade down causing the dress to be cut in half once it connected with the pre-existing slit on your hip and fall right off your body.
"I liked that dress." You spoke near breathless.
"I gave you a chance."
Her other hand slowly snaked from its place on your waist, up across your abdomen. Her hand continued between your breasts, but it didn't linger there.
Her hand went on past your cleavage and up to your neck, her hand moving to wrap around your throat. You managed to hide the whimper that threatened to escape you as she applied pressure.
She leaned towards your ear to whisper her words, "I'm going to fuck that attitude out of you."
"Are you going to do that any time soon, or should I get myself started? I mean, you're making a lot of promises for someone that's yet to prove anything." You very well knew what you just started, and you couldn't wait.
Lesso's jaw clenched at your words.
"Oh, my little Dove, I'm going to break you." She spoke with a wicked simper.
"Then break me." You had the faintest of smirks on your face, eyes half-lidded as you spoke.
She started pushing you back by the hand that was still on your throat. Though it was quiet, it was clear that your chest started heaving from excitement. She moved her hand only long enough to push you down on your bed. A soft 'umph' coming from you at the contact.
The only light in the room was from the moonlight streaming in through your open window, but it was enough light to see her eyes darken as they roamed over your nearly naked form.
You couldn't help but take your bottom lip between your teeth as you could practically see her ideas raging through her mind as her head tilts the slightest bit. You were overwhelmingly ready for her to take you, in any way she saw fit, if the now-ruined panties you still adorned were anything to go by.
You watched with a bated breath as she slowly stalked her way onto the bed with you. You tried to resist the fidgeting of your hands as she took her time straddling you.
Her knees came up to rest by your ribcage, your breathing not resting at all as she practically ignored you as she begun twirling the blade once again. She watched as the edge caught the limited light, only watching you through her peripheral.
Her signature head tilt returned, "You're so pretty. But, I'd bet anything that you'd be prettier with tears streaming down your face as you beg me to let you come."
"You're more than welcome to find out."
She let her wicked smirk come back to her face, she loved to play the game of cat and mouse, especially with you being her delectable prize.
Your whole body reacted as she leaned over you, lightly tapping the tip of the knife against the bulging artery of your throat. Your head instinctively tilted back to give her all the room she may want.
She slowly began dragging the blade down your sensitive skin, only enough pressure to leave a slightly itchy feeling but not enough to draw blood, yet. Your excitement continued to grow with each inch she dragged the blade.
"My beautiful pet," She started.
"Yours, huh? News to me." Lesso looked to your face just in time to watch you wet your lips.
"Don't think that you won't be mine, not after I'm done with you." She was beginning to get a little irritated with your insubordination, it was obvious in her tone.
You readjusted the strap of the bra that had managed to dislodge itself from its spot on your shoulder while being shoved to the bed, "Is that another promise?"
The blade moved from your collarbone, swiftly moving to the center panel of your bra, and in the time it took for you to blink, Lesso had sliced through it. The fabric was in half and it caused the cups to fall to the side, rendering the garment useless.
"Hey! That was my favorite one... It was expensive."
"Oh, was it? How evil of me. Maybe you can earn yourself a new one."
A displeased huff came from you but Lesso wasn't paying attention, now fixated on your body. The very same body that you couldn't bring yourself to look at in the mirror for too long without finding a list of things you wanted to change.
Her silence while observing you brought forth all the insecurities you had, and you instinctively moved to cover yourself.
"What do you think you're doing?" Lesso gripped your wrists and moved you away from your chest, only once she had your hands pinned above your head did she see the uncertainty in your features, "You don't get to hide yourself from me, this is all mine."
"I am my own, I belong to no one but me."
"Oh, my pet, we shall see how long you believe that."
Lesso bent further over you, her lips connecting to the slight cuts that were only just starting to become visibly irritated on your skin. Her tongue peeked out, causing a delicious sensation once she swiped over the superficial slice.
A breathy moan type noise left you and Lesso just couldn't wait to hear more, to make more come from you.
Her tongue continued down your chest and she latched onto a spot on top of your breast, beginning to leave a mark.
You may fight with her about being hers (for now) but she'll make it clear you're not available. The idea of seeing you covered in all the marks she could possibly leave on you, just had her itching to leave more.
And so she did.
She left another love bite on your sternum beside the now puffy cut on your chest.
Lesso was moving almost painfully slow, but that wasn't without effort. It was originally in efforts to make you writhe and beg. But now? The slow movement of her marks and tongue, it was in efforts to savor you. To get the chance to memorize the taste that's distinctly you.
It felt like minutes before she moved her lips again, only now connecting them to your nipple. Though it was hushed, a proper moan finally escaped you.
Her fingers grazed across your bare torso as her tongue swirled around your nipple, the sensation causing an eruption of chills across your skin which didn't go unnoticed by the redhead.
She finally moved onto your neglected nipple, instantly hardening the moment the tip of her tongue came into contact with it. You fought the urge to tangle your finger into her fiery locks.
You couldn't let her win that easily.
Only once you released a breath did Lesso manage to pull herself from you, before she lost herself.
"Gods, if I had known you look and tasted this good, I would've made you mine sooner." Her nails scraped up your ribcage.
You ignored the butterfly eruption in your stomach, a scoff would've came from you if you weren't so focused on the feeling of her, "I am not yours."
She looked from the marks forming on your skin to your face, "Really? It seems you're convinced."
Just as you opened your mouth to agree that you were, in fact, convinced, you felt the blade drag across your stomach. Instead, a stuttering breath came from you.
"What was that, Pet? I didn't quite hear you." Her words were empty, you both knew what she was doing.
You wouldn't let her off that easy.
But what you didn't know is she knew your refutal would come, so as your mouth opened once more to argue her tongue swiped up the blood that began to bead from the fresh cut above your navel.
Finally, finally, she got to hear a true moan of yours.
Your head pressed back into the mattress and your body instinctively arched towards her and the sensation she was providing.
She peaked up to see your eyes closed with bliss, "You taste addicting on the inside and out."
You looked up to see one of the best sites there is. Lesso's hair was slightly disheveled, her pupils blown wide, a little bit of your blood still present on her bottom lip.
The urge to pull her into a kiss, to know what you taste like on her lips was overwhelming. Almost too compelling...
"I'm still waiting for you to fulfill your promise." Your comment was breathless but you hoped it still held the snap you wanted it to.
Her eyes never left yours as you saw her lift the blade again, slicing off the excuse of an undergarment in a quick move.
You'd be a damned liar if you said you're not entirely enthralled by what's to come.
Her lips continued from your navel, grazing over your hip bones. Of course she would continue to tease the living hell out of you, her lips never quite going where you wanted them to.
Another mark was left on the very top of your thigh, her fingers just slightly brushing against the sensitive skin on the inside of your other thigh.
She was so close, so close to where you were almost quite literally aching for her.
It was almost to the point of begging, almost. Your hips involuntarily thrusted to get her where you wanted.
You knew very well that if anything slightly resembling a beg left your lips, she would win whatever little rendezvous was going on and you couldn't have that.
But to your absolute pleasure, it wouldn't come to begging. Yet.
Just as you felt the slight of her breath on your throbbing clit, your head lulled back entirely too ready for what this woman would do to you.
The moment her tongue met your clit, your bottom lip went between your teeth as not to reveal how desperate you were. Your hand instantly moved to the sheets below you, knuckles turning white as her pace went from torturously slow to almost enough.
Your thighs parted even further to allow more of her to be closer to you.
"Oh, fuck," One of your hands left the bed and almost entangled itself in Lesso's hair, but that was before you caught yourself.
Part of you wanted to believe that this was so you'd win the game. But the part of you that you were ignoring was thinking it was so you wouldn't actually get lost in the redheads presence.
But what you didn't know was that the redhead had felt the way your fingers just grazed along her shoulder, and she wanted to feel more.
You could tell that her repetitive movements were bringing you closer to the peak of pleasure, the tightness in your stomach was starting to become distracting.
Lesso could've sworn she could taste how close you were, if the way your thighs twitched was anything to go by. She gave it just a moment more, another moment for you to think that you were actually about to get what you wanted.
But that moment would soon come and go.
Just as you were about to voice your closeness to the edge, all movements and sensations stopped.
Part of you knew to expect this, but that didn't mean you wouldn't be annoyed.
Lesso was no longer biting back her smirks, especially when your groan of annoyance escaped your lips.
"What was that, pet?" She gave a slight nip to your inner thigh. "I didn't hear you."
"Fuck, Leo," If you weren't so focused readjusting your head on the pillow you would've seen Lesso swallow at the moment her name left your mouth.
She wasn't expecting how breathless and perfect it sounded, leaving her a little bit shocked if she was being honest. But while she was honest, she wasn't even aware you knew her first name.
In her state, she didn't hear what else you said. With the slightest shake of her head, she knew she couldn't dwell any longer.
To your dismay, she moved away from your dripping pussy. Her lips slowly trailing back up your torso.
She left more love bites where there was room, slowly easing herself to hover above you.
She licked her lips as she felt your body erupt with chills as she was finally level with you, choosing to not say anything about it this time.
Another mark left on the spot where your neck meets your shoulder before she moved to speak directly in your ear, "If you want to cum, you know what I want." She said too cool and composed for your liking.
You fisted the fabric of her blazer, trying to pull her closer, "And I've told you, if you want it from me then you make me."
A deep chuckle came from her, as if she knew something you didn't, and she sat up once again.
Her eyes never left yours as she slowly pulled the blazer off, making a show out of it.
The only way you'd be able to describe her movements was entrancing. The way she swiftly undid the buttons of the blazer and tossing it somewhere you weren't paying attention to. You weren't even sure if you blinked as you saw her take off the waistcoat next.
The only thing you were sure of is how badly you wanted her to keep taking things off. To see what she's been hiding from you this whole time. To see if she's as toned as you imagined...
Her smirk returned, "Pet, if you want the shirt off you only have to ask."
Your eyes rolled back once you processed what she said, "Telepath..."
Gods if you could've seen the cocky smirk on her face, you would've been much more turned on. If that was even possible.
You didn't even want to dwell on the amount of times and things she's must've seen in your mind. And none of them were innocent. Luckily you looked up, flushed cheeks and all, in time to see her unbutton her top.
You had involuntarily laid your hands on her thighs, watching her as she's straddled above you. Slowly, more of her was revealed to you, feeling your mouth go dry and the throbbing in your ignored cunt strengthening.
You simply couldn't look away. Her pale skin was toned, each muscle having its own definition. She may not be the most chiseled sculpture but you'd still swear she was one of Michelangelo's works.
"You staring, pet."
"That, is no one's fault but yours." You spoke, still breathless, as you looked back in her viridian eyes.
The game was temporarily forgotten, desire had overtaken all actions from you both.
Her lips rejoined at the base of your neck, adding more fuel to your inextinguishable flame.
You simply couldn't help it anymore, one of your hands finally tangled itself in her fiery locks like you desperately wanted to do ages ago while the other went to her now bare side.
And gods was it diminishing the last of Lesso's control, the sensation of your touch was almost overwhelming. The feel of your breath on her neck was nearly making her head spin.
She once again moved downwards, going slowly as a way to regain her thoughts, but to you it was a way to get you to squirm.
And, it worked.
Your need had built up enough before she took away your bliss.
You may have given into your need to feel her, but you still wouldn't beg.
Your hips lifted from the bed, but not for long before her hand had pinned them still once again. You couldn't help but groan.
Yes, you were antsy. Yes, you desperately wanted to be taken and completely destroyed but you were not about to say that out loud.
You'd fight to win this forsaken game if it killed you.
And, it just might.
Her lips lingered on your hip bone, so close yet so far from where you needed her.
Lesso's eyes peered up your tense body, loving to discover new things about you. She loved how your brow furrowed as you focused, how your fingers fidgeted in place until you could decide where you wanted them.
Lesso simply loved to play with you, to get you to writhe and moan. She had discovered a new favorite thing.
And speaking of moans, a soft one rippled from your lips as her fingertips slightly grazed your clit. A whispered curse involuntarily left you as she finally provided some sensation to your needy and abandoned clit, pausing just as her pace speeds past excruciating to run just along your folds.
A stuttering breath left you this time, knowing that this tease was the ultimate move for her. That this is her play.
"Something you want to say, pet?"
You bit your bottom lip, merely an attempt at withholding your whimper, and shook your head. You were desperate, desperately hoping she'd continue but quicken her pace.
Again, Lesso wouldn't say it out loud but as much as she loved seeing you twist and turn with desperation, she wanted to see what you looked like when you come. To hear the symphony that is your moans. She wanted to know if you'd grip her tight as you came undone or push her and the stimulation away because she knows once she gets a taste she'd never be satisfied by anything else again.
Lesso's thoughts were interrupted as a louder moan coming from you.
Your back arched and mind went empty as her fingers suddenly and easily slid into you, your arousal causing no resistance.
"Oh, fuck-" Your head began to lull back once she finally began moving her fingers.
The pace was just as steady as her previous ones, not trying to work you too quickly, but the new sensations were welcomed.
"More, I need more." Your hand flew to the red locks, trying to get more of something, anything.
Lesso was tempted to have you beg like the desperate little whore you were, but she'll take that, for now.
Her pace increased ever so slightly, only enough for her to see the way your face contorted with desire and need.
Just as you were about to repeat your previous statement, she added a third finger. Stretching you just enough to have a mind fuzzing pleasure start to build.
Lesso decided now was the time she'd like to commit to memory, the way your hips thrusted to keep pace with her fingers, how your back arched off the bed in search of more. How you sound, all. Because. Of her.
Lesso was sure to stay consistent, knowing your desperate self was beyond ready for release.
She merely needed to wait for it.
"Fuck-" Your words came out rushed and desperate.
"Awe, does my pet want to cum?"
"I'm not your pet." You quickly realized and spoke on your autonomy.
Then, it all stopped.
The slow incline to the edge, the glorious way she filled you, the way your body urned for more. All of it. Gone.
Your breaths came out rapid and broken, "Oh, fuck me."
"Well, I'm trying, but you're making this awfully difficult for yourself."
"Me?!" Your head collapsed against the pillow at the audacity.
She moved herself away from you, "You already know what I want from you, pet."
A scoff came from you, knowing you won't give in that easy, "What? Think I can't take it? You think I'll just give in, just like that? Cute." You looked back in her eyes, a glimmer of frustration beginning to gather.
You smirked inwardly, knowing that the game is working in your favor.
Her head tilted a little, "Oh, you can take it, can you? You can handle all I can give you?"
"Oh, do tell me that wasn't your all, now..." Your delicious simper filled Lesso with the need to make you eat your words.
More than joy filled you as her fingers slid back into your pussy, only now she was moving at the fastest pace she's done all night.
A near guttural moan came from you at the sudden move of hers, no building or waiting necessary.
Lesso still hadn't spoken, but as her free hand slowly snaked up your body, only pausing for a moment to leave a quick pinch to your right nipple.
Just as your brain processed the sudden sharp sensation, her hand wrapped around your throat. Your head tilted back as automated response to her touch.
Just as she squeezed, a small mewl came from you as her pace didn’t ease. Her fingers continued to pound into you harshly, causing you to get closer and closer to the edge of pure bliss.
“Do you really think it’s a good idea to play with me?” Her voice lowered, no pleasure lied behind it then, it was almost dark. And as you saw her sharpened glare you wanted to be afraid, but something about Lesso makes it impossible for you to be afraid.
She chuckled lowly as your arousal increased at her words, “Pathetic.”
The pure pleasure she was giving you, the delicious look she had, the tone of her husky voice, it was just enough for you to come close.
And Lesso knew it. She could feel it.
But you wouldn’t.
Again, everything stopped suddenly.
Her hand left your pussy, as the grip on your throat loosened enough to hear a pathetic cry escape.
Okay, you thought you can handle it. But when she overloads your senses with nothing but the feeling of her, it becomes difficult to not give in.
Your eyes closed and your bottom lip went between your teeth as an attempt to keep yourself together.
Your hand reached up to hold onto her wrist that was homed around your throat. Maybe as a way of grounding, definitely as a way to keep some feeling of her on you.
Barely a moment passed before Lesso spoke up, "You're mine, say it." Her tone left no room for discussion.
"I belong to no one." Your voice however, was weak and low.
"Then you'll continue to be denied, entirely on you." A beat, two beats. You knew that you couldn't keep denying it, and not just because you wanted to come.
A stuttering breath, then a sigh, “I’m, yours. I belong to you.” It was no question, you both were aware of this fact before this rendezvous started. Something was so delectable about playing the game first.
She had the most aggravating smug smile on her face, and it looked so good on her. Damn you, damn it, damn her. You wouldn't take it back even if you wanted to. You were hers. Irrefutably, irrevocably, undeniably, completely hers.
She didn't have to say anything about how pleased she was with your admission, she knew it all along, her smile said it all.
Your chest was still heaving, trying to catch some of the breath Lesso stole from you, when she crawled on top of you once again. She straddled you like she had many times in the night, lightly tracing her nails over the marks she's made. She admired the discolored hues her love bites started to take on, loved seeing how your sensitive skin reacted to the slight edge of the blade, how your skin is adorned with marks from her nails all over.
She just couldn't get enough of the sight of you. All marked up by her, marked up where everyone can see, marked to show that you've been claimed.
But then, it hit her. You weren't technically marked by her. Oh, that just won't do.
She reached back over for the previously abandoned blade. Unconsciously twirling it once again between her fingers, an unknown habit of hers.
Where to put it? Where-to-put-it? She thought to herself, still silently looking over your tired and marked up form.
You simply laid there, you knew she was thinking of something, but you knew you'd find out soon enough.
And soon it was.
Not more than a moment after your thought, a hum came from the redhead and she leaned over you.
"This may hurt, but I'll make it quick." She spoke just as the tip of the knife cut into your skin.
'Fuck...' You thought as your mouth opened with silence.
The pained pleasure was the most mind spinning feeling you’d had felt to date.
The tip of the blade slicing through your delicate flesh.
And soon enough, a perfect “L. L” was carved right above your left breast.
A perfect marking that left no room for interpretation, you were now and forevermore, hers.
You, belonged to Leonora Lesso.
Both of your hands fisted her hair as her tongue swiped over the wound to clean you of the mess you were making.
Your eyes would’ve rolled to the back of your head at her move had they been opened.
“Please…” The slight tug in her hair was enough to tell Lesso everything she needed to know.
“What, begging already?”
“You’ve already won tonight, there’s nothing else for me to lose but one more thing for me to gain.” Your hips thrusted up enough for her to get the message.
And in that moment, Lesson realized it was time to keep her part of the bargain.
Her lips and tongue slowly moved south once more, exploring every part of you she could on the way.
She skipped past your navel, knowing that this would be the time you get what you wanted.
Gods the moment her lips came back into contact with your clit, you could’ve sworn you could come right then and there.
“Oh, fuck Leo, just like that.” Your hands never left her hair, nor eased on the grip.
Lesso would be a damned liar if she said she wasn’t entranced with the way your voice was breathless, or with the way her name simply rolled off your tongue.
Her pace increased on your clit while she brought her fingers back to your desperate pussy.
“Oh, fuck!” Your back arched off the bed and your grip in Lessos hair was a welcomed pained pleasure for her as it got even tighter.
You both knew you wouldn’t last long with the speed and expertise Lesso was using on you.
You were rapidly approaching the peak of bliss, feeling light headed as it was already and you haven’t even crossed the threshold yet.
“Leo, fuck, I’m gonna cum.”
The swirling of her tongue on your clit pausing only long enough to speak, “Yeah? Does my pet wanna cum?”
“Yes! Yes, I wanna cum!”
No other words came from Lesso but her lips once again wrapped around your clit. Along with the swift swirling of her tongue, she pared it with new suction.
The newfound pleasure caused white to appear in your vision, your overwhelming sensitivity becoming known.
Just as Lesso slightly curled her fingers, you were there. A near scream-like moan and the cinching around Lessos fingers told her you were there.
You came, and you came hard.
Lesso’s name fell from your lips like a mantra, being spoken over and over and over again.
Lesso got her answer as you started to use your grip in her hair to pull her from you.
The sensitivity was nearly unbearable and Lesso wasn’t easing up.
She knew you’d have to pry her away from you.
The pure taste of nothing but you was a craving she didn’t know had to be satiated.
Your hands finally relaxed enough to moved from Lesso’s hair to her jaw, now pulling her up to face you.
You still hadn’t caught your breath but you didn’t let that stop you from pulling the redhead in for a kiss.
Her hands moved to be resting on your waist, choosing to deepen the kiss.
Your body was weak but you needed a taste of Lesso too, even if it was a sample.
She was pliant in your hands, moving in any way your slight touch nudged her too. Your lips slowly moved down her jaw, the bliss causing her to briefly close her eyes.
You continued further down, reaching her neck and beginning to leave a mark right on her pulse point, "Only fair if I get to leave my mark too. Wouldn't want anyone else to think they've got a chance, now do we?"
You could feel the way her chuckle left her throat as your lips moved along her skin.
You were sure to make it worth while, leaving a bright large mark where it couldn’t be obviously hidden.
Sure, it was meek in comparison to the marks and cuts she’s left on you, but you like to think it’s the thought that counts.
Lesso pulled back a bit, and just as you were admiring your work, she was admiring you.
Neither would speak of it but this mutual liking, no infatuation, no no love, would be the center of a new universe.
Her eyes glanced down and a proud smirk rejoined her features.
“I’ll get a rag to clean you up, stay here.” She reluctantly climbed off you to grab a rag, finding it surprisingly easy to maneuver in your space.
Your voice was still soft, partly hoarse from the previous activities, “Not like I can go far right now.”
You yearned at her genuine laughter at your comment, knowing you’d gladly get to hear it again.
She came back with a water bottle and a rag, “I’ll be sure to ease up on you next time.”
And with one simple sentence, one small act of kindness, you and your heart smiled.
Next time.
Again, you were hers. Irrefutably, irrevocably, undeniably, completely hers.
🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮
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some thoughts on imagination and fulfilling ALL your desires, no matter how small ♡
hiii! just wanted to share with you guys some things ive been thinking about lately and a new discovery!
so first of all! i went through a little phase this previous weekend where i could not imagine for the life of me. i just could not concentrate, and i kept hyperfixating on every little sound in my room and it was very frustrating. i also could not fall asleep because i usually use daydreams to lull myself to sleep and i couldn't daydream! it was very frustrating.
(side note--at one point i wished that my room would just be silent and then i lost power for a few hours and my room WAS dead silent for a while, lol)
but then i was scrolling thru loatwt, like i do, and i found this acct @/scriptercas and they made a couple of posts about the way they imagine (i like this one too) and i tried it that night and i was DEEP in my imagination for like an hour straight. like me??? adhd aphantasia me???
i know that a lot of you guys are like me and have aphantasia and therefore can't see mental images and you can get discouraged by imagining, but this is definitely my new holy grail and i think this will work so well for you guys too!
(p.s. if you guys are into shifting, that account has some great advice! i'd really recommend!!)
i also recently re-read edward art's series, which i have mentioned in recent posts. once again, i know ive also said this recently, but i highly highly highly recommend reading it (or listening, there's also an audio form) if you haven't already! even if you just read the first five parts. i swear if you are still struggling to fully grasp the law, after you read it you will get it. it's so good.
i bring this up because in a lot of the parts, edward talks about building the habit of fulfilling every single desire--no matter how small--that you have, as it comes to you. and i've just been ruminating on this so much lately.
i remember at the beginning of my loa journey, there would be things that i wanted and i'd kinda mourn the fact that i didnt have them... when i didn't have to. i could've just fulfilled myself. but instead i had the idea in my head that "i'll manifest my sp first, and THEN i can get my desire of receiving flowers." or, "i'll manifest money first, and THEN i can buy the expensive things i want" or "i'll manifest my new apartment, and THEN i can host dinner parties for my friends" etc.
but what i've been thinking about lately--prompted by edward--is that you dont have to want for anything anymore. i can give myself any and everything i want in my imagination. i don't have to wait to manifest something else first.
this has really bolstered my imagination game as well. everything you want to do with or experience once you have your desire, you can have/experience in your imagination right now. and it really adds to your imaginings. it really helps immerse you more and helps you capture the feeling of it being real.
for example, when i was manifesting my apartment, i had sooo many things i wanted to experience once i'd manifested it. i wanted to have my friends over for game night and cook them dinner and make them cocktails. i wanted to bake in my spacious kitchen and have fancy utensils and expensive ingredients. i wanted to shower in my fancy shower and use expensive bath products. i wanted my own vanity stocked with expensive makeup and perfumes. i wanted a large walk in closet with rows and rows of gorgeous clothing. i wanted to come back from a night out and leave my clothes strewn about the bathroom bc i was too drunk to put them away, and no one was gonna see them or yell at me for leaving them there. like some of the things i desired for were so mundane, yet i felt the absence of them in my life every day. for example: living close to a target, being able to make adventurous meals without worrying if my family members would like them, playing video games with my friends in my own living room.
everything i just listed were things i wanted so badly once i had my apartment, but whenever id run into the opposite in my every day life, i wouldn't fulfill myself at first. like i'd go to cook the same old dinner i cooked for my family every other night and i'd be like "ugh i wish i could be in my own apartment where i did the grocery shopping and i could buy fresh ingredients and make an elaborate meal instead of just having pasta and jarred sauce again." but then i realized that if i were in my dream apartment i would be able to do that. i spent so much time imagining waking up in my new apartment and what it would look like, but in the end, imagining stuff like this is what really helped me to fulfill myself and catch the feeling of the wish fulfilled.
i was really reminded of that whenever i re-read edward's series, and now im applying it to my new desires as well. it's so funny that no matter how much i manifest or how much i learn i always find myself forgetting little tidbits like that that really help me and are very valuable.
anyway i just wanted to make this post to help you guys a little maybe! i was just in the shower and i was remembering edward saying to fulfill every little desire you have--not matter how small-- and i was remembering the days i used to imagine myself in my current shower, and id close my eyes and imagine the scent of the shampoo i wanted to get and i'd feel where every individual bath product would be placed once i had my own shower. and all that inspired me to write this!
i hope that this helps you guys out and/or gives you imagination motivation! i feel like it's important to imagine all the small things that pertain to your desire that maybe you overlook while imagining, but that you know you deeply yearn for even if u think they're mundane or that you'll just get them once you get your big, overarching desire <3
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