#ive been feeling left out
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hey, everything good ?
nah
#i know this is in last night's context#i live in hostel#final year undergrad#ive been feeling left out#excluded#invisible#uncared for by the ppl around me for months#partly cos our interests dont match which can't blame anyone#but one of them i was close with and genuinely liked#this had been happening for months#id confided in that one person and also subtly told the rest how i was feeling#the treatment continued#a week ago something happened and i isolated myself from them#ignore them etc etc#that one person reached out yesterday#the rest didn't bother (keep in mind these are ppl im constantly around)#i was honest that i felt extra betrayed by her cos she didn't stand up for me for months after id communicated clearly how i was feeling and#is only now reaching out when im throwing a tantrum#she just took all accountability and said sorry#but there's no change since then#they've been even more rude to me since then#im tired#this is a pattern in my life#i struggled with finding my ppl in school#11/12th grade were the worst years of my lifw#uni was supposed to be different and now this#im internalising it#cos ive reached out and initiated so many frenships and selfishly i know im a great fren#but i haven't had the best luck#and it feels like there's something inherently wrong with me that ppl don't care about me enough
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horrifying email to get at 2 am btw
#not sure if i believe it but if it still was a horrible experience#i was like awww#someone left a comment?#i love those#only to open this#and have my stomach drop#i feel sick ive been sick all day i dont need this#wtf does this even mean#okay im freaking out as you can tell#i need sleep#satth#dnp#dan and phil#phan#dan howell#phil lester#daniel howell#dnp tit#d&p#dip and pip#amazingphil#dnptit
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ms jay herself (and apple)
#ive been grappling with her design the most i feel.... i need it to be good enough for her 😭😭😭 ily jay ilysm wehhghghhhh#dude drawing the pin i realized just how much circles dont exist to me. theyve disappeared from my art completely. fuck you circles. fuck y#just roll with it#jrwi riptide#jay ferin#jrwi apple#i will tag every little critter ok it just feels right#my art#ok theres one bastard left i will deal with him.. later. maybe tmrw#fuck i got to the part where he gets some tats hhhgotta figure out how i wanna draw those#jay bad posture while tinkering is real to me. shes all hunched. shes shrimping.#she tinkers at night while the others r sleeping n she stretches n yells n wakes them up#guys i love drunk jay so much.... when her and lizzie got plastered... so good...........
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🔦
#little damitim i needed to get out of my system#probs unrelated but ive been listening to toccata and fugue in d minor by bach in the past 2 days and i might be feeling a little insane 🤪#also working my way through tedious by 1989rad on ao3 with only 2 chapters left 🙇#damitim#timdami#art#fanart#my art
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found this in my drafts from march 2023, are the dndadders still alive
#dndads#dungeons and daddies#taylor swift#taylor swift dndads#lincoln li wilson#scary marlowe#dndads s2#dndads season 2#theyre so silly#and normal being left out as always#also!! apparently ive got an erin o neil draft as well thta im debatikf posting#we'll see#and uhm. sorry ive been gone??#im probably not coming back so i wont promise anything😭#i still love this podcast but i just dont really feel like posting about it anymore?🤷♀️🤷♀️ i feel like a lot of u migjt agree
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learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way
#experiencing some BIG FEELINGS OVER THIS REVELATION#listen i have never ever been bothered abt not seeing someone in a while or making time to talk to them bc in my mind its like not thst muc#time has passed. i mean it with every fibre of my being that when im like 'oh its ok even though we havent talked in a while and have our#own things going on it doesnt mean we're not friends anymore since we left things on a good note 8 months ago' i sincerely believe that#and for the longest time i just thought everybody makes peace with it at some point and not automatically assuming the other person doesnt#wanna talk to me anymore or smth. my longest lasting friendships are with ppl who work the same way i just thouhght that was normal#whatever organ everybody has that makes them reach out to their friends and plan hang outs i probably dont have it#i was already hesitant to ask out Alex bc i spend almost every waking hour doing smth that isnt talking to ppl unless they happen to be in#the vicinity. and at first it was bc i planned on making sure i had everything set up so i dont get stressed out and do it one at a time#but then i find out theres a friendship decay mechanic? and after dating and marrying someone you lose -10 friendship points for every#day u dont talk to them?? actually ive probably been losing friendship points this whole time without knowing bc of this?????#and i notice a lot of my own habits are also reflected in how i play bc ive been avoiding getting close to pierre and marnie since its more#of a professional relationship. like i know theyre npcs but im approaching it the way i would in real life its fucking nuts#i think its a little relieving im playing /as/ a character than myself bc as im playing im just making up little interactions in my head#than approaching things the way i would myself so it takes a bit of the stress off trying to put myself in there as a spectator. but well#being in a relationship demands a certain amount of energy even more so when theyre things that already take up energy on its own#like making time to talk to your partner and make sure they know theyre loved. i dont always have energy to put all my mental focus into it#and this is true for real life so im not really bothered by not dating anyone. but when its a game and i want my character to be with someo#and i know its fully optional and i know i could just apply the same logic to this i dont /want/ to. sometimes i want to experience#the same things other people do at least to a certain degree without the same emotional andmental stakes#no offense krobus#yapping#stardew#stardew valley#puppy plays sdv#sdv#this game has me by the ankles man
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started making left-handed drawing attempts here and there because I can’t fucking take it anymore
#this took an hour which is absolutely ridiculous.#if it was my right it wouldve been 15 -20 min#however i do actually like how it came out compared to…previous attempts#god it feels so uncomfortable to hold the pen to write and draw in my left#ive got holding and moving everyday things with my left down pretty well but actual mark making is a different story#cran draws tag#lias/#sketchins#opposite hand drawing#colour sketchins#opposite hand cran draws tag
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🍷<3
#when i got hashtag sick i was in hospital and i was doing my regularly scheduled call with my dad#and i really had no plans of telling him bc ive done that before and its not like he can scare the MS away or anything#i dont know what happened. maybe because it was such a fucking bad episode. maybe because i was so tired. maybe it was a secret 3rd thing#but one minute was like fine then i just burst into tears and i was crying so hard which is MEGA EW BC IM NOT A CRIER LIKE THAT#and my dad freaked out and he was like whats wrong and i didnt wanna tell him but I also sounded insane bc i spontaneously started sobbing#and he was getting more alarmed and i was upset that id upset him and so i just spat it out i was like 'listen king'#'its no biggie but my body is trying to kill me again and im just a little sad atm' and he replied 'baba why wouldnt you tell me?'#and this man who has a very big serious job literally dropped everything and took a 20 hr flight over#and he genuinely just grabbed one of his work suitcase because he showed up with nothing but dress shirts and his laptop#and i think maybe it healed me a little. i mean it def also made me sad too but mostly healed me#and he'd been here for a couple of weeks and he left today and i feel shit about being sad about it#again because he has a very big and very serious job and i genuinely dont understand how he even just showed up like that#so I felt guilty throughout#anyway i dont think he drinks anymore but i was like king have a sip of wine with me and he did and it was lovely#and I hope I become my fathers daughter and not my mother's child. praying to both our gods#heres to healing ❤️🩹
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queer signalling: louis and harry living their beautiful queer lives, collected by me
since we must take note of our fellow queers when they signal that they are very much one of us, despite being closeted. since i've had a very very queer few years thanks to them, thanks to their signalling, thanks to them being brave.
(!! this list isn't exhaustive, and if i've forgotten your favorite, by all means let me know. there's always room for another edition. it's been a while since i made a compilation and felt there was a need of a new one on my blog. this one goes a few years back, since my last one dates from 2021 :'o. so yeah. here we go.)
harry in my policeman, playing a closeted queer man, based on the book that's long been one of his favorites. lauded by the director and co-stars for how well he portrayed this character, how well he understood.
harry wearing a green flower on his chest for the mp premiere, placing himself (once again) in the same line of history as oscar wilde.
louis's green flowers on his initial 28clothing jersey at the first afhf, which includes bonus roses and 28s all around
the entire late night talking mv bc!!!!!
louis's rainbow stage lights during sibwawc. he really did that. every single night.
the entire dazed magazine happening. “I’ve always tried to compartmentalise my personal life and my working life,” he explains. / “I have unlocked an ability to be myself completely, unapologetically,” he says with conviction." / “I think through my own sense of self and personal journey, I am realising that happiness isn’t this kind of end state.”
louis's gay exit songs: most notably 'ever fallen in love (with someone you shouldn't've)'
harry flirting with stanley tucci
louis and his gay ass tank tops !!! we must point it out !!!!!!
all along
harry kissing a pride flag during harry's house ono in nyc
rainbow flare during the btm mv
harry being gifted a mask of his own face at munich n2, which prompted him to say that he feels like he's wearing a mask sometimes
28 in a triangle for 28clothing!!!!!!!!
kit connor soft launching 28 clothing. a young actor starring in a queer coming-of-age series, who was forced to come out after being accused of queerbaiting. he was the first one, besides louis, to wear 28clothing
harry's grammy's speech "people like me" (which ppl sadly misunderstood), echoing what he's been saying on tour for years. this doesn't happen to people like him. if they only knew, right?
harry's freddie-inspired outfit for the grammy carpet (which also brought back his theme for clown/jester fits, like harryween 2021 n2. wonder why)
louis's merch graphic where a boy is trying to smash a glass ceiling
harry posing for david hockney, actual living legend, gay artist of the ages. "Styles seems to know how lucky he is, adding, with a tinge of disbelief: “I’m in awe of the man with enough one-liners for a lifetime.” As to what those one-liners might be? Styles and Hockney’s mutual silence on that question suggests that what happens in the studio, stays in the studio."
louis having suspicious visuals during back to you, the only visuals of that type on tour
harry's 2022 harryween outfit: dressed as danny (literally. he did that. he went grease on us.) but wearing sandy's jacket
louis at barricade aka held safely in the arms of strong security personnel
harry singing man, i feel like a woman and still the one with shania twain. while wearing a rainbow discoball jumpsuit (parallel with kacey musgraves wearing a rainbow dress to sing it with him years ago.)
louis's gay ass merch for the away from home festival
harry dressed in nina ricci by harris reed, an explicitly gender-fluid line. "At 18 I found myself living in london creating ruffle blouses, corsets, fabric flowers and flares from my kitchen floor (...). My creations at the time were met with nothing but criticism for being “too feminine” or “costume”, teachers said I should focus on “menswear” or “womenswear”. l remember it really wasn’t until I started dressing for myself and who I was that it all clicked. @harrystyles was my first ever client who embraced the fun, fluid and expressive clothing I was creating."
continuous bluegreening. to name a few: harry's werchter fit, all this time lights, satellite caps in two colors only, louis's smiley flickering bluegreen on tour in 2022, the james cordon shit, louis in uncasville. enjoy this post here
harry's snl shoot unseens: him as ariel
louis out in amsterdam at a gay bar
harry going to the women's only swimming pond (on a day it was open for men, but this is important to me okay)
harry's use of orchids in his visuals during 'she' during love on tour '23
the 'hairy mermaid' tour visuals
harry as a mermaid during the mfasr mv. as a supreme physical manifestation of harry as the mermaid he truly is inside. but in his true form he gets chopped up and consumed. literally
as it was mv and its parallels with the matrix, hints to harry as the woman with the red dress.
louis jumping up on barricade against the one spot where a pride flag was draped over it
oh yeah that exact same thing happened in 2022 too
harry forming a skirt with a pride flag in brasil after his pants ripped
that gay ass denim getup with the fur collar?? while wearing the fucking peace ring????
harry and phoebe breaking gender norms in the tpwk mv dance. no i'm not over it yet shut up
louis wearing a basquiat t-shirt, another famously queer artist joining the ranks
harry bought an actual genuine basquiat. flex
harry dressed in skirts for gucci
"happy pride! happy pride! 'tis the season! can you tell i'm relaxed?"
"isn't all of this sparkly bi music?"
satellite mv rainbow planet tshirt
louis's bigger than me promo where he's literally george michael like??? IM SORRY???????
harry kissing lewis capaldi at the brits
harry kissing nick kroll at the dwd premiere. lol
and... harry as friend of D O R O T H Y. sang over the rainbow. we all cried. especially me at this clip of harry glancing in relief at his band after over the rainbow.
#queer signalling#my posts#long post#anyways............. hmu if you have more bc i know there's more that i've forgotten but i didn't want to wait#but these were my personal highlights#this is for me more than anyone i know. i don't really know if anyone's really waiting on this#but i personally have been feeling like i gloss over a lot#and forget a lot#and minimise a lot for fear of making a big thing out of something small#but... then i make big things into something small.#which i hate#going through my archive just shows how fast an event passes by and i just stopped talking about it#ive complained about this many a time i know#anygays#for whoever wants to come scream with me <3#also i have left out some events that were too easily deniable and i didn't want to clutter the post#since what's actual tangibly real and straight from them is so insane already#also that gif is how i feel rn.#how i often feel tbh#i want to be braver again
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#talkys#delete later#(this is a meme redraw)#ruined my life is a strong word. and of course theres lots of self blame and obvs ive probably wronged lots of people before#and i dont deserve unending torture for it. right. like part of me doesnt even actually feel ill will toward the other party#because whatever! normal human experience!#the other part is like ohhh okay you lied to and kinda used me + treated me badly then lied again to the point where i found out the truth#from another party so you didnt even have to fess up yourself and now you're back to being happy as if nothing happened#i was just a stepping stone i was just a distraction. ok!#like for real actually ok ^_^ it literally happens to ppl all the time...#<- he keeps experiencing waves of horrific sense of self worth that already wasnt Too Great as a result#ugh. and thats nobody's fault but my own right.... but idk. i cant believe it...! i cant believe someone treated me dis way#and i let it happen... and i would have let it keep happening if an end hadnt been put to it by someone else....#but still. at the end of the day i was the only one left with these thoughts. ykwim. other party has forgotten. got happy ending.#doesnt deserve ''consequences'' but still feels horrific to see and think about. you know?#i literally got all the bad. throughout and after.
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ghost having absolutely no self esteem until he joins the military and pinning his self-worth on his performance in the field, seeing his only value as a weapon which only gets worse when he’s legally dead and all but owned by the military makes me want to eat glass
#just this kid who was abused and neglected#also tormented by his little brother who he tries to protect from their father#hed be so starved of everything praise kindness touch#then he becomes a soldier and gets approval from an authority figure for the first time#and the better he is in the field the more reckless and ruthless the more praise he gets#he takes that confidence home#kicks out his abusive father gets his brother clean sees him make his own family and finally gets a crumb of happiness#then roba happens and he loses everyone hes ever loved in one fell swoop#and he kills simon riley right along with them#all he has left is the military#so he leaves behind his humanity and becomes an extension of the army#and theres no more praise no more approval bc you dont tell a gun its done a good job#until he joins the 141#and they slowly unearth simon riley from the grave#and they like him for who he is not what he can do for them#not who he can kill#and for the first time in his life he feels valued for who he is#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#simon ghost riley#ghost cod#soapghost#ghostsoap#we’re a team. ghost team
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hey lol *pmmms your 2wink*
#micas art#enstars#ensemble stars#あんスタ#hinata aoi#yuta aoi#ive yet to share anything about this au with anyone but for context: this is my very loose take on a pmmm au#most of enstars' storyline goes the same but at certain points kyubey chimes in and offers a wish in exchange for help with fighting witche#in the twins' case he gets to hinata first some time before the setsubun disaster. he hasnt gotten to expose his feelings to yuta#and kyubey takes advantage of that to offer an easy solution to his issue! so hinata wishes to vanish from yuta's life and memories#in consequence yuta is left on his own without a single memory of hinata but a very strong sense that something is out of place#everything in his life seems to go fine: he gets along great with his classmates. he works hard to improve as an idol in school#but for some reason he cant seem to shake the feeling that the world has become a little too quiet and vast#that something is missing and not right#and so when kyubey approaches him offering miracles he chooses to follow his guts and wishes to find whatever's been missing from his side#i wont go into further details (bc this is getting really long djdjd) but id be happy to talk about it more!!#only other unit ive got finished stuff for is valk (4 pieces to be exact) but i plan on sharing these later so yeah!! enjoy this for now~
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can someone nice (!!) please please please adopt me im begging you im requesting you (huge word vomit and vent in tags, pls dont read if u dont want to!! and if you don't want this stuff on this blog PLS lmk!! i dont wanna make anyone uncomfy! )
#tw vent#yes ik i have a vent blog#but idk why i dont wanna go there#ill prolly delete this in a while + if i vent here (which ill try not to) ill always tag it#but if any of yall aren't fine with it pls do lmk!!! ill stop <3#Anyways.#fucking hell i hate this.#dude#i very specifically told them to hurry the fuck up THEY were the ones making us late#i have told them a hundred times the minimum time i jeed to get ready#i told them this morning too that you guys make us late then put it all on me#nad she went like oh no dear dont worry that wont happen#WELL GUESS WHAT BITCH#and like the lecture and huge ass scolding and then cold shouldet ive been getting from BOTH of them before i left for coachinh#im just tired atp#idk its not even that big a deal this happens everyday#i dont know how to feel#idk if im even rly feeling anything atp#its just that i really fucking hate being here#I wanna get the fuck out#but thing is this makes me feel kinda guilty occasionally#for eg a few days ago i was rly sick and she took care of me kinda#and then that made me feel bad for hating her#but then things like this happen and i cant help it and i feel so conflicted#i dont want to stay here i know that for sure but i feel guilty for it#if i speak im being rude and backtalking#if i dont speak im being rude and ignoring#the fuck am i supposed to do????#she always tells me to 'stay silent and just hear it'#and when i do that she keeps shouting again and again and finally i say smth bc although its extremely fucking dumb of me to open my mouth
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ive actually known about the magnus archives since it started coming out. obviously —i was an emo middle schooler when it started of COURSE id heard of a scary horror podcast. but id been let down by far too many stories, and i, still to this day, have the personal rule that i dont like to start an unfinished piece of media if i don't already trust the authors work. so i waited until it was finished, and then some, to make sure that i wouldnt Get Invested and then be disappointed.
that is to say, im at mag 192, now, and this is the part where i may start getting more critical of the writing if i don't like it. i REALLY DOUBT i wont. ive enjoyed just about every single narrative choice theyve made up until this point, but this is just a heads up post for ppl who are following my liveblog.
ANYWAY i really dont think ill dislike anything. but yknow, just in case
#pmpkn tma liveblog#we're in the endgame now guys#im really excited for the ending actually#because unlike shorter media i tend to find longform media predictable at times#but this podcast has kept me guessing pretty consistently#and i really enjoy that in-the-dark feeling#but nothing ever felt out of left field yknow?#like ive looked back at my notes after a plot twist and have been able to go OH WAIT#because its already been referenced#the magnus archives#tma#tldr im excited
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hello! i am back with yet another…thing. thank u for the tag @lovelymasks <3 (i realised, upon second reading, that this was supposed to be a sunday snippet but i’m an idiot n therefore this is now a saturday snippet mwuah)
I think you should go to a Healer, Sirius.
Why, he’d asked, flippant. What was there to do with a Healer when you were a convict on the run? Besides, Sirius was wrong in a way that couldn’t be made right. He was past the point of return. Healers would’ve barely known what to do with him before Azkaban, let alone in the condition he was in now.
Because you look like a stiff wind will blow you over, Harry’d answered, though the answering flippancy didn’t quite land the way he intended because what Sirius heard was ‘Because I don't want to lose anyone else.’
What Harry didn't say, and Sirius didn’t want to hear, was ‘Because I can’t lose another parent.’
He quietly acquiesced after that. The trembling, hopeful smile growing on his godson’s face was enough to wipe away all apprehensions after that.
Until now, when Harry was at Hogwarts, and he was second guessing this whole business.
Did he really need a Healer, like, really?
One look at the mirror in front of him gave him a solid, sturdy answer.
He was dressed in his old rags and it was a testament to the conditions of Azkaban that clothes from when he was younger, before hitting his final growth spurts, were barely just fitting him now. Sirius’ back was almost constantly bent these days--all days spent curled up in a ball seemed to have reshaped his skeletal structure, who knew--each vertebrae gaining a distinct notch in the column of his skin. His stomach was a fascinating blend of too small and too bloated. He couldn’t keep anything down, but he wasn’t able to eat much either. A mystery for the ages.
Less said about his face, the better. Sirius wasn’t vain, never had any reason to be, but there was a certain…pride he’d maintained, a level of outward appearance that was considered bare minimum for a Black, a conditioning he’d never managed to shake off.
It was that conditioning itching at him now, turning him away from any reflective surface before he could see his distorted features, grotesque and inhuman, staring back at him.
And ultimately, it was that, he realised with a shameful sort of guilt, that pushed him to see a Healer. Not his godson’s pleading look, not concern for his wellbeing--but leftovers from an upbringing that he hated, his mother’s words he couldn’t stop hearing, his father’s sharp commands.
Ultimately, it was his blood that made him give in, as it always did.
further tagging @jmagnabo92 @soopsiedaisies @groundzero-v 💜
#sirius black#harry potter#mwuahahahahaha#i am feeling. on top of the world#bc ive written like. 3k for FoD in the past couple days#and writing has been so hard recently!!!#but i had a therapy sesh the other day that actually literally rewired my neural pathways#so i guess here i am. turned a new leaf or wtv#anyway! this is from FoD ofc. from way down so it probably wont be posted for a bit#but i rly like it#and im trying to keep from posting the entirety of the nasty molly-sirius fight i just wrapped up#(ive already bothered the pf server w way too many snippets hehehe)#so this is what we're left wih#im so excited for the next chapter (even tho i sort of have to figure out what'll be in it--the fight or the trial or sumn else)#but just. yeah. its very fun.#pen’s writing#fic: foundations of decay
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so like do i kms or what
#im having an evil nagito komaeda hand moment#im turning into the jonkler#i dont even know why i feel like this nothing HAPPENED#LITERALLY NOTHING#ok well maybe Something#i just feel super unwanted and left out bc i havent been able to hang out w any of my friends for like 2 months#and ive been asking and letting them know when im free and suggesting places we can go/things we can do#and theyre always like 'yeah' then reschedule or just say no#and i get they might have plans but i swear ive asked about 10 times#3 different friend groups#and nothing!!! no biters!!!#and i feel like one of my friends only hangs out w me when im the one paying like we'll go to a concert or movie#and he'll only go when IM the one paying for it otherwise he never suggests anything#like he went to a concert recently and didnt even mention it to me even tho whenever i go to a concert i offer him to come along#and it was for a band i liked and idk it just :( idk it bothered me that he didnt even ask#maybe im too nice but i ALWAYS ask if other people want to come w me to things and he never does and i think if i stopped we would never +#hang out
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