#its starting to go bad so i start posting <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[cosmogyros]

(Reblog this version please!) Okay fuck it. I was too nervous to post this at first, but I see tons of non-Germans wanting to know what's going on right now. So here's my summary. Thanks to my buddy @keldermans and another German friend not on Tumblr for taking a glance at it to make sure I didn't get anything too horribly wrong <3 Any remaining errors are my bad!

I spent much of today writing up an outline of the current soap-opera drama going on in the German government, for my non-German-speaking friends who'd like to enjoy the tea as well.

Disclaimer: I am not technically German, but I did my best to explain this all as accurately as possible (and I did get a couple of Actual Germans to check it over for me).

For THE GERMAN DRAMA, see below...

Cast of characters:

The German government coalition (known as the “Ampel” – traffic light – due to its colors):

Olaf Scholz, Chancellor (leader) of Germany. Party: SPD (color: red). - and the other Red party members in the coalition - this includes the Minister of Health, Karl Lauterbach

Christian Lindner, Minister of Finance of Germany. Party: FDP (color: yellow). - and the other Yellow party members in the coalition (four FDP members) - this includes the Minister of Transport, Volker Wissing - and the Minister of Justice, Marco Buschmann

Robert Habeck, Vice-Chancellor of Germany. Party: Greens (color: green) - and the other Green party members in the coalition.

Other characters: Friedrich Merz, likely to become the next Chancellor. Party: CDU (color: black).

The events I can recall so far, in roughly chronological order over the past five days:

1. The government coalition argues all day Wednesday, trying to pass laws while Lindner refuses to agree to anything. In the evening, Scholz loses his patience and fires Lindner with the legendary words, “Dann, lieber Christian, möchte ich nicht mehr, dass Du meinem Kabinett angehörst. ...So. Doof.” (In that case, my dear Christian, I don’t want you in my cabinet anymore. ...Well. Sucks.)

2. Scholz then calls a press conference and gives a surprisingly impressive speech in which his rage is barely concealed. He includes some sharp jabs at Lindner and sounds very personally betrayed by the breakup.

Scholz's speech includes the immediately-legendary line “Zu oft hat er mein Vertrauen gebrochen” (Too often has he broken my trust), which everyone here in Germany is now obsessively quoting.

He declares that he will ask for a vote of confidence in January, and if he fails it (as is expected), he will call for new elections in March, six months earlier than they would otherwise have taken place.

3. Lindner gives a very emotional and self-pitying speech in which he declares “Ich habe gelitten” (I have suffered) – another phrase that becomes an instant classic with those of us watching from the sidelines – and he includes some sharp jabs at Scholz.

4. Showing solidarity with their fellow party member Lindner, all the rest of the FDP members in the coalition resign from the government too… except for Wissing, who instead decides to quit his own political party, the FDP, in order to stay in government and keep his job. He is now a party-less politician!

5. Habeck gives an emotional statement to the press, practically in tears, coming across like a kid whose parents are divorcing and he doesn’t know how to handle it. In a maudlin moment of his speech, he compares the collapse of the coalition to the end of a relationship.

6. At the end of Habeck’s statement, a reporter calls after him: “Is Lindner going to apply for Bürgergeld benefits?”

(Background: There are two tiers of unemployment benefits in Germany. To explain it in a somewhat tasteless way, there’s kind of a class distinction. If you come from a “higher-class” profession, you can typically start by getting ALG I, which is more money. If you are unemployed for the long term or come from a “lower-class” working background, you get Bürgergeld. The stereotype about people on Bürgergeld benefits is that they spend it all on drugs and alcohol and sit on park benches getting drunk all day. Also, Lindner is known for trying to pass legislation to reduce social benefits of all kinds, including unemployment benefits.)

7. Background: After the failed assassination attempt on Trump earlier this year, a popular German comedian called El Hotzo posted a joke online saying basically “too bad he missed” and promptly got fired for saying that. He kept his spirits up and joked about the job loss, saying “Ich bin Deutschlands frechster Arbeitsloser” (I’m Germany’s cheekiest unemployed boy).

Back to the present: At a press conference, a reporter asks Lindner: “How are you handling the statements being made about you online right now, such as ‘This is Germany’s cheekiest unemployed boy’?”

Lindner seems to need a long moment to figure out how to reply to this question.

8. The next day, Habeck coyly soft-launches his candidacy for Chancellor by posting a mysterious video of himself on social media in which he’s wearing a cute beaded friendship bracelet that spells out “Kanzler Era” (Chancellor Era). This is apparently a Taylor Swift reference (?).

In this video, he’s sitting in an atmospherically-lit room, writing at a table. It appears that Lindner had posted a very similar picture of himself in the past, because he now tweets in response to Habeck: “All Democrats welcome here, Robert! You got the setup almost right – the lamp was on the other side. ;)” (and he adds his own pic, which indeed very much resembles Habeck’s video)

9. Angela Merkel muses publicly, “Maybe God only created the FDP in order to test us all.” (ETA: She said this a while ago, not in response to the present situation. But it's still so true :'D)

10. A mainstream German news podcast sassily comments on Friday:

“While Olaf 'Too often has he broken my trust' Scholz is enjoying his party’s admiration for his cowboy moment and Christian 'I have suffered' Lindner is going through his own personal St. Matthew’s Passion […]”

11. Buschmann (one of the FDP party members who resigned), who apparently moonlights as a composer of electronic music under the handle "MBSounds", drops a new self-composed track on SoundCloud about the collapse of the Ampel government. It’s called “To Go Is to Stand”.

The news comments dryly: “Well, at least he doesn’t sing on the track.” (Buschmann's previous biggest hit was simply an angry speech of Lindner’s, set to music.)

Lauterbach (one of the SPD party members still in office) tweets: “No offense, but I don’t think I’ll be listening to that song more than once. But still, it was good working with you, Marco.”

12. The media ask Scholz if he’s throwing his hat in the ring to run for Chancellor again. He says yes. They ask, in what ways is he different from Friedrich Merz (the dude who’s currently expected to win)? And he replies “Ich finde mich etwas cooler, wenn es um Staatsangelegenheiten geht” (I think I’m somewhat cooler [than him] when it comes to matters of state).

And now the German media is making up new words like "scholzen" (which I can only presume means "as the leader of a country, to fire other government members you don't get along with"):

[Headline translation: "Who Donald Trump will 'scholz' first"]

[ladykailitha]

The Hellfire Exotic Club Part 11

Welp.

Fuck.

Good news for you guys, bad new for me. I accidentally labeled two chapters as Chapter 12. There AREN'T thirteen chapters. There are FOURTEEN.

So I'll figure out when to post the extra chapter. But in the meantime:

Enjoy Eddie giving the denouement. Like that's it. That's whole chapter.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11

~

Eddie called everyone into the club. Billy Hargrove, Heather Holloway, Nancy Wheeler, Jason Carver, Wayne and all his crew. The only one that wasn’t there was his ace in the hole.

“Thank you all for coming,” Eddie said, sitting on the edge of the stage while everyone sat around in the tables.

Hilariously Nancy and Jason sat as far apart from Billy as possible. What was even more hilarious was that Billy, Stella, and Heather formed a weird triangle trying to keep their distance without looking like it was deliberate.

“Just so everyone is aware,” he said with a grin. “Everything is be recorded, audio and visual.” He pointed to the cameras.

Nancy frowned, but merely crossed her arms and said nothing.

“These past couple of months have been the hardest the club has ever faced,” he began, “in all its history of being opened. And everyone just kept telling me it was bad luck. That bad news comes in waves and that we would ride this out same as always. But it all felt so contrived and I could not figure out why.”

“The absolute arrogance!” Jason huffed. “Thinking you know better than God!”

“Oh honey,” Eddie purred. “I’d have to believe in him to think that. Which I don’t, so shut it. “

Jason grumbled, but wisely settled down.

“Everyone also seemed to think this all started with the arrival of Steve,” he said, causing Steve to flush in embarrassment. “But Steve only got hired because I needed a new Envy.”

“Which I still think is bullshit,” Billy huffed. “What I do off the clock is none of your God damned business.”

Eddie shrugged. “And normally I would agree with you, Billy but you add in it was the mayor’s daughter and I wasn’t going to court legal trouble. But somehow I did anyway. So why?”

Everyone looked around at each other, trying to suss out who was to blame.

“You see I was missing a piece of the puzzle,” Eddie said, leaping off the stage to his feet. “And hooboy, did I get it when I talked to Jonathan Byers.”

Nancy’s head shot up, her jaw slack and her eyes wide. “I don’t have to sit here and listen to this gibberish.” She got to her feet and grabbed her purse.

“What’s matter, Nancy?” Steve said, sidling up Eddie. “Don’t you want to hear how Eddie figured out your scheme?”

Her head snapped around. “There is no scheme it’s all in the deluded mind of the this deranged individual. I will not be part of this.”

“You’re fianceé will probably get arrested,” Eddie said with a half shrug. “For her part in the scheme.”

Nancy turned around slowly. “I’m dating Jonathan. You just said my fianceé was female. A her.”

Jonathan came out from backstage. “That’s right, I’ve been the other man for years. But it was okay with Heather because she got off on cuckolding with other men, too.”

Everyone gasped as they turned to look at Heather.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she huffed, examining her nails.

“You see,” Eddie said, “it always struck me as odd that she would still have a fiancé after being caught with Billy. But there was never any indication that they had broken up. But when Jonathan had told me about the photography studio I got it. Steve wasn’t supposed have been involved at all. It was an accident and one that sent Nancy scrambling.”

He started walking around the room pointing out all the players. “Billy got played as much as Jonathan did. I’m not sure how Nancy got to Stella, but Stella was supposed to target whoever it was that I hired to replace Billy.”

“For all your talk of equals,” Stella spat, “the men still out numbered us women two to one. All she had to do was ask, though she paid me too. I didn’t realize that she was planned on shutting the place down. I thought she was trying to get you to sell it.”

“Then go to a different strip joint,” Eddie said rolling his eyes. “Oh wait... it’s because I actually pay my strippers. Do you really think that the new owners would be as generous?”

She gave little half shrug with a moue. “It would have been if I bought it.”

Everyone gasped again.

“Go to hell, Stella,” Bakir hissed. Bakir was an immigrant and his English wasn’t very good. “Would be horrible boss.”

“Fucking hell,” Scott agreed. “I’d take Eddie over anyone willing to hurt people for money.”

Danny raised her hand. “Which brings up an interesting point, what does Nancy get out of this?”

Eddie grinned and snapped his fingers at her. “I was thinking the same thing. What does Nancy Wheeler get out of shutting down these businesses? And the answer is a world-wide exclusive to the story. I think she got this high off getting the lab shut down when she was in high school that she had to keep chasing. That same high serial killers get.”

“So what did start all this?” Steve asked from the table he shared with Scott and Robin.

“Jason Carver,” Eddie said smugly. “When Chrissy broke up with him, he became enraged. He had known that Nancy had done exposés before and brought her to one of the Sin nights. She didn’t agree to it until she heard that it was one of the places Jonathan cleaned on occasion.”

Jason’s head whipped around to face her. “This wasn’t enough on its own?” he huffed waving wildly at the poles on the stage.

“No,” Eddie said shaking his head with a huff. “She had to control Jonathan because if he got wind of her schemes he would leave her for good.”

“Damn right,” Jonathan snarled. “And this is me breaking up with you Nancy.”

“You don’t know what you are doing Jonathan,” Nancy purred. “I’m trying to save your soul. Or I could tell Mommy all about how you took pictures of me while I was undressing. A sweet, underaged girl.” She batted her eyelashes at him.

Jonathan began laughing. “That? That’s what you’ve been holding over my head all this time? I told my mom about that when I got into a fight with your then boyfriend and the cops got called. Fuck you.”

She snapped her mouth shut and glared at him. Her hold on him well and truly gone.

“Back to the scheme,” Eddie said landing at Heather’s table. “The first thing she did was find out the weak parts of my operation. She must have overheard me telling Jeff, that a political scandal would be grounds for instant termination.”

Nancy shrugged. “That alleyway is so easy to hide in, you really should get that checked.” She winked at him.

“Then she deployed her fianceé,” Eddie continued clicking his tongue against his teeth, “to find an easy mark to get into bed with. Immediately she zeroed in on Billy. Loud, obnoxious, and egotistical. He was perfect.”

“Fuck you,” Billy huffed. “No one made me do anything!”

Eddie chuckled. “Too easy, honestly. It’s honestly the one fault I find in your plan, you could have chosen someone a little more difficult.” He held up his thumb and forefinger close together.

“But I digress.” He held up his hands. “Billy would get caught with Heather, by Nancy, a part left out the papers because she has friends in high places in those publications.”

Again Nancy looked smug.

“You won’t be so smug when Eddie gets through with you,” Steve said shaking his head. “Where are your denials now?”

“Why deny any of it?” she asked with a laugh. “He’s painting me to be some evil genius, that’s quite the accomplishment.”

“Don’t worry, I’m just getting started,” Eddie assured her, walking over to where Stella sat with Danny and Levi. “This is where she tripped up. Stella was supposed to keep escalating the attacks on the new dancer until they got seriously hurt or they quit. Only they weren’t counting on Steve. Steve whom, if Nancy let get hurt like that would seriously damage her reputation. So tried everything she could to dislodge him herself. But Steve was already entrenched into the club’s culture. So she had to show her hand early so that Stella would be forced to stop the attacks against him.”

“I knew it was a risk,” Nancy admitted with a shrug. “I thought I could appeal to his better nature and our friendship, but he likes stripping.”

Steve laughed. “Hell yeah, I do. It’s good money and better company.”

Nancy rolled her eyes.

“But then it really unraveled,” Eddie said with a grin, “when Jonathan spotted Steve coming out of the dressing room after his lap dance and asked for help. He wanted to know Steve knew of any place that would be willing to take him on full time.”

“When I found out she was willing to help Steve get a job,” Jonathan spat, “but was constantly undermining my ability to even hold a job, I was willing to take anything Steve could help me get so I could get out from under her thumb.”

“Then I met with him,” he continued. “I found him to be genuine and hardworking. His foreman spoke highly of him and all I needed to know was what position he would take. So everyone I would you like you to meet Jonathan Byers, the new chef’s assistant under Monty.”

All the crew of Hellfire clapped except Stella, Levi and Danny.

“And I would like to introduce you to our three new dancers,” Eddie finished with a wink. “Micaella Dimitriou, Kyle White, and Mason Clark. After all Levi, Danny, and Stella are under arrest now.”

“What?!” Danny squawked, leaping to her feet as cops swarmed the club.

Immediately Heather started crying about how she was tricked into all this and how much of a victim she was. All while Nancy screamed about how much of a bitch she was and how she never loved her.

In the end, Jason, Heather, Nancy, Stella, Levi, and Danny were all carted away for varying offenses.

Eddie dusted his hands off. “Right now that garbage has been cleaned out, I am announcing that we are closing the club for two we–”

A roar of outrage erupted from the rest of the crew.

He held up his hands. “Just for two weeks and you’ll get paid based on the average from last year. We are going to be doing some remodeling and it will allow the new dancers time learn their roles.”

There was some murmuring, but that was fair enough.

“Micaella will be in Megera,” Eddie said, “the Fury of ancient Greece. Mason as Set, the Egyptian god of chaos, and Kyle as Kimaris, marquis of hell.”

That got a lot more cheers and excitement.

“Megera will be taking over as Wrath,” Eddie said. “But this time I did give anyone the chance the audition for it.”

Scott snickered. “I still don’t know how you kept it from those three, it was brilliant seeing their shocked Pikachu faces.”

“Oh!” Eddie said with a shy smile. “That was easy. I didn’t tell anyone it was to replace them except for a couple of close confidants.” He shrugged. “I even had them come in, told them it was for a new routine.”

Gareth raised his hand. “He didn’t tell me. Probably because I would have blabbed it all over the place.”

“He didn’t tell me either,” Chrissy said, “I think he wanted me to have plausible deniability if Stella came after me. Which she had shown in the past she was willing to do.”

“Right in one,” Eddie said snapping his fingers at her with a fond smile. “I only told Wayne, Steve, and Scott.”

Jonathan tilted his head to the side. “Why those three?”

Eddie started counting off on his fingers. “Wayne and Scott because they were going to be helping me hire. And Steve because he figured it out on his own. Didn’t you, beautiful?”

“The dance he was having us learn was very...” Steve said with a blush, “angry?” He snapped his fingers. “Fierce! That’s the word. I also knew that Billy had be conspiring with Stella, so I figured that Eddie was going to replace her.”

“Fair enough,” Chrissy said. “So what are all the changes that are being made?”

Eddie launched into getting new tables and chairs, a new stage, a better sound equipment and eventually a new wing, but that would take longer than the two weeks he was willing to be closed. He explained that they would continue to work at night, while the construction crew worked during the day.

“Then to celebrate the new opening,” he said, “we’ll finally do the fairy tale night!”

Then the cheer really did go up. They had been wanting to do that for ages. They had their costumes and had the dances down, but first Chrissy hurt her ankle and then this shit came up and it was past time for them to do it.

Eddie giggled. “Is this why detectives do this shit? Because holy hell was that a rush!”

~

Tag List: CLOSED

1- @rozzieroos @itsall-taken @redfreckledwolf @zerokrox-blog @gloomysoup

2- @gregre369 ​@a-little-unsteddie @chaosgremlinmunson @messrs-weasley @cryptid-system

3- @maya-custodios-dionach @goodolefashionedloverboi @val-from-lawrence @carlyv @wonderland-girl143-blog

4- @irregular-child @bookbinderbitch @bookworm0690 @forgottenkanji @garden-of-gay

5- @anne-bennett-cosplayer @yikes-a-bee @awkwardgravity1 @littlewildflowerkitten @genderless-spoon

6- @dragonmama76 @ellietheasexylibrarian @thedragonsaunt @useless-nb-bisexual @disrespectedgoatman

7- @counting-dollars-counting-stars @tinyplanet95 @ravenfrog @swimmingbirdrunningrock @lingeringmirth

8- @gutterflower77 @a-lovely-craziness @just-a-tiny-void @w1ll0wtr33 @beelze-the-bubkiss

9- @dreamercec @sadisticaltarts @too-much-tma-stuff @dolphincliffs @chameleonhair

10- @themoonagainstmers @novelnovella @micheledawn1975

[garciaasfluffypen]

take care of me (like i take care of you) pt. 3

pairing: jemily x reader word count: 2.4k warnings: SURPRISE i finished part three and wanted to post it so i could get this cross posted to ao3 hehe. its time to talk(tm) about everything that happened! y/n's rejection sensitive dysphoria episode is a prominent aspect of this part. poor emily doesn't really know what to do except comfort her girlfriends, jj has some issues she's working through, y/n feels absolutely horrible about everything that conspired

after everything that had happened in the past two hours, you were drained. you barely made it to the bedroom before bursting out into tears. this was it. this was the big kablooey. jj hated you now, there was no doubt about it. considering the way she reacted when you had let the term slip past your lips… you never should have done it. you pushed too hard, and this was the end. you’d have to change your name and move to timbuktu so nobody could find you ever again and you’d never be able to embarrass yourself in front of jj and emily anymore. the harsh what did you just call me? reverberated through your mind as you let the sobs take over your body, practically doubling over with the sheer force of guilt. you couldn’t believe yourself. how could you let it get that bad? it hadn’t even been three months and you already fucked up. but that was just it, wasn’t it? the three month curse you were stuck with. nothing romantic ever lasted past three months. it was only time that this one ended, giving you a chance to reset and find something new. your exes were right, you were never good enough. you always did something wrong. it was bound to happen sooner rather than later, and you needed to expect the worst. 

peeling off the clothes you had worn to the zoo, you blindly felt in what had been dubbed your drawer for your jammies. you had gotten the shirt from an online store and it was the perfect shirt for when you were having bad days or sensory overloads. and a bonus, it was long enough to cover your butt and go halfway down your thighs. you had gotten it big on purpose, and you were glad you did. once you felt the fabric, you pulled it on and stumbled back to the bed, grabbing a pillow and holding it close to your chest as you continued to try and calm yourself down. logically, you knew you were over reacting, but the fact you were tired mixed with the immense guilt you felt for making jj feel bad… everything piled up and you found yourself trying not to spiral more than you already had. 

the door opened and a figure stood there for a second before coming over and pulling you into the biggest hug they could muster. after a second, the scent of emily flew through your senses and slowly but surely you started to calm down as you curled into her arms. 

“oh, lovey…” 

this was one of the downsides to how bad your adhd and rejection sensitive dysphoria was- when you cried, you cried hard. you had gotten good at bottling up your feelings into a little corner of your mind that barely got touched unless you had a whole weekend carved out to mope around. those weekends were far and few between these days, seeing as the budget increase the bau got gave them more opportunities to take cases. it wasn’t too bad, until this happened and you cried so hard you felt like you might throw up. 

you curled into emily’s chest, barely registering the door opening. a red eyed jj stood in the doorframe, hands wringing together as she looked for you. jj looked worse for wear, emily noted. the last time she had seen jj like this was when they were at the fertility doctor earlier in the year, when they talked about the possibility of emily carrying a viable pregnancy. but that wasn’t anything they could talk about right now. the puffiness around her eyes was evident, tear marks showing where she had piled on concealer earlier that morning. she sniffled, gaining your attention. your head perked up and you felt your heart drop when you saw how upset jj was. wordlessly, you shifted on the bed to make room for jj, letting her crawl in, curling herself up between the gap you had created. she wrapped her arms around you, squeezing you tight as she could as a single tear fell down her face. you wiped it away with the pad of your thumb, shooting her a small smile. 

“i’m sorry i reacted that way, baby.” 

her words were muffled into the palm of your hand, her breath dancing across your skin as you put your cheek on top of your head. your logical thinking skills slowly started to poke through the barriers your rejection sensitive dysphoria always put up during these moments, the realization that it also upset jj hitting you like a ton of bricks. you hated seeing her so upset, especially when you knew you caused some of the upset. granted, everything was still so new and you all were getting used to the idea of the three of you being together, but it still hurt you more than you could ever put into words. 

“no, it’s my fault.” you started. “i pushed you too hard. i should have asked before assuming i could just call you mommy and get away with it. do you…?” you trailed off, hoping that jj knew what you were trying to ask.  

“i’m not sure how i feel about the use of mommy.” jj said, quieter than normal. “it didn’t make me feel… i didn’t like it.” 

emily raised her eyebrow, slightly shocked that jj didn’t give you the full truth. while she knew what seemingly the true reason jj didn’t like being called mommy, she knew that it would be something she revealed to you in due time. hell, jj was still figuring it out herself. the dislike of the feminine terms was something that had started within the past year and a half. yes, jj was very feminine presenting and loved dressing up when given the opportunity, yet she had begun to start hating when she was perceived in a feminine matter. it was an interesting late life dilemma to have, and she wasn’t sure how to go about it. she had been so secure in her identity for years, and to start questioning everything? it had started to send jj into a spiral of thoughts she frankly wasn’t ready to think about yet.

the only other person who knew about her dilemma was tara. it had come out one night while the two were having wine after a long case and emily was stuck at the office filling out more paperwork than intended due to her having shot the unsub. the two of them were a bottle and a half deep into pinot gritiot, and jj had blurted out “do you ever just… not want to feel like a girl?” and now here they were, with emily being the second person to know that jj had started to despise the feminine terms of endearment she had been taught to love growing up. it scared her. but not as much as the thought of you thinking you lost her. 

“emmy?” you looked to emily. “do you like being called mommy? because for some reason it felt very natural and i don’t know why.” 

“we can toy around with it.” emily squeezed your hand. “thank you for asking.” 

“i’m sorry i was super bratty earlier, too. i let it go too far.”

“i thought it was hot, actually,” jj started to blush. “i do think we need to play around with different dynamics and what we’re okay and not okay with. nothing has to be set in stone, but if i’m being honest… it was…”

“i liked it when you got all controlling.” you finished jj’s thought. “i really did.” 

“would you want to play around with that more? me being more… in charge sometimes?” 

you nodded. “i’d like that. because i like listening to emmy but…” 

“it’s very easy for you to listen to me, i know.” emily smirked. “and it’s very endearing.”

“is that something you’re okay with?” you looked over to emily. 

“if you’re comfortable with it, then yes.” 

“color system applies to everything we try.” jj stated. “any time, you can tell us to stop and we will. or call yellow and we can talk it out. and it applies to you, too. if there’s anything that we don’t like, we’ll tell you.” 

you nodded. “is there anything else that i’ve done? have i made either of you uncomfortable?” 

emily couldn’t help but clock the nervous look in your eye, seeing the fidgeting start in her peripheral vision. it was sad for her, seeing you like this. she hated when you got sad. you felt certain emotions more than others, and when you did feel them they hit you like a ton of bricks. emily most likely would never know how that truly felt, but she could only imagine the thoughts flowing around in your mind that would make you feel less than. she couldn’t control herself, searching your eyes for any emotion other than guilt. it pained you knowing that you thought you were the reason the conversation was happening. she wanted to grab you by the shoulders and scream at you that it was not your fault and would most likely never be your fault, but she knew that would be counter productive. the three of you were all adults, you could talk about it like adults. 

jj on the other hand, felt horrible. her reaction was the reason you felt as if you were the reason the problem persisted. guilt plagued her as she stared at you, her hand coming up to gently brush back some of the strands that had fallen from your braid. she knew her own insecurities were the reason everything was going the way it was, and the main reason the three of you were sat here in various stages of emotional distress, but it was something she knew taking the blame for would just make you feel worse. she didn’t fully understand how your brain always made you think that you were the problem, but it was something you had been fighting for years. even penelope couldn’t get it through your brain that nothing was ever your fault. and that was saying something, since you and penelope had been friends for ten years leading up to when you joined the bau. both emily and jj knew it would take a while to get past the walls you had put up, but they didn’t realize how tough it would be. but it was a fight they were going to get through together, no matter what it meant. 

“nothing you’ve done could make us uncomfortable, y/n.” jj’s voice softened. “i know this is new, and it’s making you react in ways that you normally wouldn’t react, right?” 

you nodded. “i’m trying to be better, promise. i guess i just want to be taken care of?” you questioned. “but i have a hard time accepting it. like… i just want someone to take care of me like i take care of you. i’m just… i’m getting used to it.”

“is that why you were pushing today?” jj looked at you. “because you wanted to feel taken care of?” 

you sheepishly nodded. “a little bit. i liked it when you told me we were leaving and got all bossy.” 

jj smiled. “i can do that more. do you want to have a certain phrase or word to let me know when you want it?” 

“um… maybe like… a shoulder tap to start? i don’t want to say anything out loud, especially if it happens in front of the team.” 

“how about three taps left shoulder?” you nodded, a small smile forming on your face. “and if there’s anything we do when we’re out that you don’t like?” 

“i’m not sure of that one yet.” you swallowed. “i’m sorry we didn’t have this conversation earlier. we could have avoided this.” 

“lovey, having these conversations is one of the things we need to do to ensure we’re all happy. we can’t necessarily schedule them.”

“i still feel guilty." you sniffled. “i made jj feel bad.”  

“oh baby,” jj pulled you back closer to her as the guilt washed over you again. “i’m not mad at you at all. if anything, i over reacted to that. i promise you i’m not mad. i’m not mad at all.” 

“you promise?”

“i promise.” jj placed a soft kiss to the tip of your nose. “i’m sorry i made you feel like you hurt me.” 

“i’m sorry i didn’t ask you if i could call you mommy and made you upset.” you looked down at your hands, which were fidgeting with your shirt. 

jj lifted your chin up with her finger. “hey hey, none of that now. no more feeling bad.” 

you chuckled. “okay. i’ll try.” 

“how about i draw us a bath?” emily smiled at the two of you. “with the epsom salt for your sore muscles?” 

“that sounds really nice.” you smiled. “can we light the candle i like too?” 

“vanilla swirl or the one that smells like disney?” 

you pursed your lips, thinking. “the one that smells like disney.” 

“i’ll go grab it.” emily placed a kiss to the top of your head. “you feeling better?”

“a little bit.” you nodded. “i’ll be better soon.” 

“good.” she squeezed your hand. “i’ll go get everything and let you know when the bath is ready.” 

emily slipped out of the bed and went to go get your candle, leaving you and jj sitting on the bed together. she placed her forehead against yours, her hand going to cup your cheek as you sat in the silence. 

“i-”

“if you say i’m sorry i’m pushing you off this bed.” 

you chuckled lightly. “i do feel bad.”

“and i’m telling you that you don’t have to. promise. every relationship is going to have it's issues. we’re just able to talk them out because we’re adults.” 

“yeah, you’re right.” you put your head in the crook of jj’s shoulder. “thank you for not being mad.” 

jj smiled. “thank you for listening and not freaking out when i told you i didn’t like it.” 

“i mean i freaked out a little bit.” 

“but not a lot.” jj chuckled. “you’re adorable.” 

“you are too. like, a lot.” 

you snuggled into jj’s arms, curling into her side. it made you feel a lot better knowing that she wasn’t super mad at you like you thought. while you still felt guilty for making her feel bad, it made you feel better knowing that jj didn’t think of you any differently. 

and that she still deeply cared about you. 

taglist: @jayden-prentiss @idkwhatever580 @multifandomlesbianic @softestqueeen

[wheneverfeasible]

Ruin Me (part 6/Finale)

wc: 2.5k || rating: E || story summary: Steve shows up on Eddie’s doorstep with an offer he can’t refuse. || chapter summary: The boys realize what they want is more than just one night. || tags: omegaverse, alpha!Eddie Munson, omega!Steve Harrington, intersex omegas, explicit content (see ao3 for full tags) || posted in full on ao3

See bottom for commentary

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Previously…

Unthinkingly, Eddie dropped another kiss to Steve’s forehead and then he was all but escaping his room to get Steve a glass of water. Fucking tap water, nothing filtered properly because he lived in a fucking trailer and Steve…Steve was used to the nicer things in life.

Which wasn’t Eddie.

“Christ, Munson, if your old man could see you now,” he muttered to himself, picturing the Munson Doctrine just flying out the window, as he filled up a glass. Not even a proper glass at that, either, but one of those novelty promotional things Wayne had gotten at McDonald’s with the purple guy on the front.

Whatever. It wasn’t like he could impress Steve even if he tried.

Coming back into the room, Eddie took a moment to take in the sight of Steve. The boy had settled more fully into the bed, laying under the covers with his nose buried in the blanket, eyes closed.

He wasn’t asleep, that much was certain with how he was nuzzling against the material every so often, but Eddie could tell that it was a losing battle.

He tried not to feel too much pride at fucking Steve into exhaustion.

“C’mon, Stevie, drink some water and take your pill,” he coaxed, setting the glass on the bedside table to rest a hand on Steve’s shoulder. He gently helped the other boy sit back up, trying his hardest not to smile at the sleepy but content look on Steve’s face.

“I like that,” Steve murmured quietly.

Eddie let out a small hum as he got Steve situated back up to a sitting position. “Like what?”

“When you call me that. Stevie.”

Eddie froze. Steve, seemingly unaware, took the glass Eddie was now holding out and dutifully took the pill and drank down more than half the water. He made a little grimace at the taste, but didn’t make any comments about its lack of filteredness. Steve then set the glass down and reached for Eddie’s hand, tugging him down onto the bed with him.

Eddie went easily, still caught on Steve liking the nickname that, admittedly, had probably started out somewhat mockingly but now was anything but. Steve’s arm wrapped around Eddie, encouraging him to lay down with him, and then he was shoving his nose back into Eddie’s neck and inhaling his scent again as he pressed against his side.

“I like your scent too,” Steve quietly murmured, lips brushing against Eddie’s suddenly very overly sensitive skin.

“So you said,” Eddie said, voice tight. “Bitter and soggy, I remember.”

Steve just laughed, lightly slapping a hand to Eddie’s chest, before he just left it there. His fingers idly began playing along the slight muscle definition Eddie had from moving heavy band equipment around every week, before lightly playing with the chain around his neck holding his pick.

“You smell good, alpha,” Steve murmured, and Eddie felt a spark go through him at Steve calling him that again when not in the babbling throes of passion.

Swallowing whatever was lodged in his throat, Eddie carefully wrapped his arm around Steve’s back until the omega was curled tighter against his side, legs tangling up slightly. “Yeah? Well you smell absolutely sinful, omega,” he gently teased, bringing his other hand to lightly settle over Steve’s on his chest.

“What do I smell like? No one’s ever really told me before. Just that I didn’t smell like the typical omega. Not sweet enough.”

“Trust me, sweetheart. You’re plenty sweet,” Eddie said with a small snort. He considered Steve’s words, however, tried to find an answer for him to make him happy.

“You’re sweet, but not like sugar. It’s…warm. There’s something acidic there, but not…bad. More…citrusy maybe? And something spiced, not spicy.” Eddie lightly huffed. “I don’t know how you can name off specific things like you did. I can’t tell what smells are for shit. You’re lucky I could differentiate anything at all.”

Steve’s laughter at that brought that lump back into Eddie’s throat. The omega pulled his head back though to noticeably roll his eyes. “Tell me you’ve never stepped foot into a kitchen without telling me you’ve never stepped foot into a kitchen.”

“Hey!” Eddie protested, trying not to laugh at Steve’s snark that he was finding far more endearing than bitchy. “I can make a mean pot of Chef Boyardee, thank you very much.”

“I stand corrected,” Steve said with a small snort of his own. He shook his head before settling it back against Eddie’s shoulder.

“It’s my parents, honestly. Dad agreed to let me stay in sports after I presented as long as I took up ‘proper omega pastimes’ as well,” he said mockingly, and Eddie could hear the air quotes though Steve’s fingers stayed pressed against him.

“So I had to give up shop class for home economics, and had to start helping my mom with making meals and taking care of housework.” Steve let out a slight grumble. “Pretty sure he only agreed to letting me stay on the team because I was the captain, but with Hargrove gunning for the spot…”

Eddie frowned at that. It was obvious that Steve liked sports; even someone who avoided sports like the plague like Eddie did could see that much. The idea that Steve’s father would rip that away from his son just because of his secondary gender…it wasn’t fair.

“So you’re a good cook then, Stevie?” he asked, wanting to turn Steve away from more depressing thoughts.

Predictably, Steve brightened up again, burrowing closer against Eddie once more. “Yeah, I like to think so. Dustin and the others don’t really complain when I’ve cooked for them, and Joyce even complimented me on my ragù and asked for the recipe.”

Dustin again. Who the hell was this Dustin he kept hearing about? Another alpha? Then why didn’t Steve just go to Dustin for help?

“You’re starting to smell weird again,” Steve complained.

Forcing himself to let it go…mostly…Eddie tightly asked, “Who’s Dustin?”

Steve brightened even further, and it might have made Eddie’s smell even worse, if Steve’s next words didn’t immediately throw Eddie for a loop. “He’s one of my pups!” He laughed a little at that. “He hates it when I call him that, though. He’s a friend, one of these kids I…babysit sometimes.”

Steve “The Hair” Harrington was a babysitter??

“You babysit?” Eddie couldn’t help but ask, befuddled at this new development into just who exactly this boy in his arms was.

“Unofficially,” Steve said, and though he grumbled it, Eddie could feel the smile pressed into his shoulder. “I don’t get paid for it or anything. I just help watch this rabid pack of middle schoolers. They start high school in the fall and I don’t know if I’m happy or disappointed I won’t be with them when they do.”

Steve watched middle schoolers???

“You’d actually probably like them. Don’t you run that Dipshits and Dingbats game? They’re big fans of that. Well, most of them. El and Max don’t play.” Steve tensed slightly. “Max is actually Billy’s little sister,” he murmured quietly. “He’s an asshole to her too.”

Eddie’s mind was in a whirlwind with all this new information. Steve babysat. Steve babysat middle schoolers. At least one of these middle schoolers he considered an actual friend. This middle schooler friend introduced him to Star Wars. And, apparently, also played Dungeons and Dragons?? And Steve knew Eddie ran Hellfire???

Oh yeah, and one of Steve’s pseudo-pups was apparently Billy Hargrove’s little sister. Fantastic.

Lost in thought, Eddie unthinkingly brushed his lips over Steve’s forehead. “Baby boy, I feel like I don’t even know what is going on anymore,” he mumbled.

“Join the club,” Steve said with another snort. He tilted his head up to press a soft kiss to Eddie’s neck in return, causing Eddie to jolt slightly. Which then, in turn, caused Steve to flinch slightly and draw away.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, moving as though to pull himself out of Eddie’s arms, prompting Eddie to hurriedly reach out and grasp the other boy’s chin, pulling him back in for a soft, gentle kiss.

Steve tensed for a brief moment before fully relaxing against Eddie with a content, happy sigh against Eddie’s lips. When Eddie released him, he snuggled back in against Eddie’s neck.

Eddie realized, with a horrifying certainty, that he wanted to keep him. Forever.

Fuck.

“Who’s Joyce?” Eddie asked in what was only a slightly strangled tone, trying to distract himself and possibly Steve from the realization that Eddie couldn’t hide from anymore.

“Hmm?” Steve asked sleepily around a yawn. “Oh, that’s Will’s mom. Will’s and Jon’s.”

Wait. Jon? As in Jonathan Byers???

“You’re friends with Zombie Bo—OOF!” Eddie wheezed out from where Steve had solidly smacked his diaphragm with the side of his fist.

“Don’t call him that,” Steve said fiercely, practically a growl, suddenly much more awake as he sat up to glare at Eddie. “He’s a good kid and what he went through was traumatic. That’s a stupid nickname and I don’t want to hear you use it ever again, understood?”

Eddie stared in awe at the fierce omega before him, all righteous fury for one of his pups, and Eddie realized with even more certainty that he didn’t just want to keep Steve Harrington; he wanted to be kept by Steve Harrington too.

“I’m sorry,” he said sincerely. “I didn’t realize. I think it’s a pretty metal name, but I promise it won’t ever cross my lips again.

Steve narrowed his eyes at him, as though looking for deceit, before huffing and laying back down. He squirmed a little, still obviously aching from their activities, before settling once more. Eddie wrapped both arms around him until Steve was practically laying on top of him and pressed a kiss to his hair.

“I am sorry. I didn’t think. Sometimes I say things with no filter. Obviously it would be traumatic. I promise none of the boys will call him that either when he joins Hellfire.”

Steve shot his head up again at that, mouth slightly agape. “Really? You’d let him join? And the others?”

Eddie grinned. “Well, only if they want to. Anyone can be in Hellfire if they wanna be in Hellfire. Even you, sweetheart,” he gently teased, booping Steve lightly on the nose.

Steve scrunched up his nose before letting out a soft laugh. “I doubt I’d actually be welcomed there. Dustin would blow a gasket if I ever actually played though,” he said with a small wicked grin. “He’s been asking me for ages. Even tried to get Nancy to play again to entice me. She’s Mike’s sister.”

Wheeler? Nope. Not happening. Wait…Steve was friends with his ex’s brother and the brother of the guy his ex left him for????

“Stevie, baby, I just don’t know if I can take any more of your secret lore tonight,” he muttered, earning a confused look from the boy in his arms.

He sighed, shaking his head against the pillow slightly before drawing Steve into another soft kiss. Steve’s cheeks were pink when he pulled back. “Come to Hellfire during our next meeting. We’ll teach you how to play and then you can make this Dustin kid blow all the gaskets.”

A shy smile curled at Steve’s lips. “Yeah? You’re not just looking for an excuse to get into my pants again are you?” he teased.

Eddie, risking it all to be as brave as the omega in his arms, grinned back. “Do I need an excuse?”

Steve chewed his lower lip once more in obvious hesitation, a brief flash of vulnerability bringing uncertainty to his expression, before he dropped his gaze.

Eddie gave him time to process it all, however, gently rubbing a thumb over Steve’s shoulder, mindful of the hickeys he’d left scattered there. He wanted to lick them. Despite his own anxiety, he tried to pretend like his heart wasn’t racing a million miles a minute.

Finally, after what seemed like forever to Eddie’s poor rattled nerves, Steve glanced up again at Eddie through his lashes. “Is it just my pants you want in?” he asked quietly.

Eddie felt a surge of hope. “I would really like to meet your pups too. Get to know them. And…get to know you better. Whether or not you ever want to do this again, I’d still like to see you again after tonight. But I won’t deny that I really want a repeat performance,” he added with a gently teasing grin.

Steve lightly huffed, rolling his eyes as though that could hide how his face flamed a soft pink. “Knothead,” he mumbled.

“Only for you, sweetheart,” Eddie breathed, taking Steve’s hand in his again to lift to his lips where he brushed a kiss against Steve’s palm. He then trailed his lips down to Steve’s wrist, nuzzling at the smaller scent gland there, causing Steve to suck in a soft breath. “Didn’t I tell you earlier I was going to make you mine? Ruin you for all other alphas?”

Something almost fragile flit across Steve’s expression at that, and Eddie realized this wasn’t biology. This wasn’t his secondary gender latching on to the biological imperative of claiming Steve now that they had coupled; this wasn’t his alpha trying to take Steve’s omega because that’s what nature dictated should happen.

No, this was merely Eddie wanting to make certain Steve never has to be that desperate, scared, or alone ever again because Steve didn’t deserve to be. Whether Steve was omega, beta, or even another alpha, Eddie knew that he’d be right back here, wanting Steve by his side.

Steve, who was so much more than Eddie had ever realized a person could be.

Steve, who was staring at him now like he had never seen him before, or like…he had never dared to hope how Eddie could be.

“Yeah, Munson?” Steve quietly asked. “Whatcha gonna do? Make an honest omega outta me after all?”

“Maybe I will, sweetness. Maybe I will,” Eddie smiled, because Steve’s sweet scent was there, full of tentative hope. “That is, if you can handle my bitter and soggy scent for more than one night,” he grinned.

Steve let out the most beautiful laugh Eddie had ever heard. “Oh, you are such an asshole,” he groaned, but then Steve was leaning in and answering Eddie’s question with a smiling kiss. Which was all good and all, but…

“I need your verbal confirmation, precious,” Eddie whispered against his lips, though he couldn’t stop his own lips from smiling either.

“Take me on a date first, alpha, and maybe you’ll get it,” Steve teased, and Eddie could only let out a small whoop of happiness, Steve answering it with his own laughter, as he wrapped his arms around Steve and rolled them over in bed, kissing Steve deeply where he pressed him into the mattress.

And no, things weren’t miraculously perfect. He knew they would need to worry about Steve’s parents, and he’d have to explain to Wayne why Steve would probably have to move in with them for a bit if things soured with the Harringtons, and they were technically still in school and Eddie was probably going to have to repeat senior year again, but…

In the morning, Eddie would find the perfect first courting gift. They might have rushed into the start of things, but they could take their time now. They would get to know each other properly, would take the time to test this thing between them, because there was a thing between them after all. A real thing.

A thing that Steve wanted just as much as he did, judging by his enthusiastic, smiling, laughing kissing.

“My alpha,” Steve breathed so prettily once they parted, rolling to curl against each other after Eddie reached over to turn off the light, nuzzling under Eddie’s chin to settle in for the night.

“My omega,” Eddie whispered back, pressing another gentle kiss to Steve’s hair as he held him, safe and protected.

Eddie fell asleep to Steve’s purring, his own chest rumbling with happy adoration and contentment.

By the time the sun rose on a new day full of promise, the storm had broken.

fin

Author commentary:

And it’s complete! But the story isn’t over yet 😉

Short and hopefully sweet, there isn’t too much commentary left here that won’t be answered in the upcoming companion piece featuring Steve’s POV and the morning after.

That being said, I did want to discuss scents again. I’ve mentioned before that Eddie isn’t really able to get specific scents because he’s not familiar with them, like most people. Steve, however, is able to get more specific with his scent recognization because he’s familiar with the components.

Steve’s parents are traditionalists, as previously stated. Especially his alpha father. He would definitely force an omega child into a “traditional omega role” which is basically the role women have been expected to be in for years in our reality. General misogyny still exists in this omegaverse as well, even against alpha women, but there’s more leeway for secondary genders.

Due to this, Steve is familiar with cooking and baking and thus familiar with the scents of food items and ingredients. It’s why he can tell that Eddie smells of molasses and dark chocolate, because I wanted Eddie to smell a little sweet while also being something earthy and rich.

And then I love the smell of petrichor (thank you Doctor Who for informing so many what it is called) and generally the smell of rain in the air, and wanted to give Eddie that scent as well. Something similar to Steve, but heavier.

While Steve doesn’t smell as sweet as other omegas, Eddie also smells sweeter than other alphas. Their differences are thus what connects them in similarity. The same by being different. I just thought that that would be a little poetic, a little wink wink nudge to show that these two belong together.

Now, these two have realized that they want more than just this single night together, both realizing that they like the other more than they initially intended to, though it won’t be entirely smooth sailing from here on out. They have Steve’s parents to deal with, of course, but also their own insecurities.

I’m not certain how short or long the next part will be, or even when it will come out, but I am currently working on it, so….we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?

Thank you everyone who has read and enjoyed this little story with me, and I hope to see you again!

~

Hostage Hotties:

@derythcorvinus @katyawriteswhump @honeii-puff @scoops-aboy86 @dotdot-wierdlife

@everywherenothere @bumblebeecuttlefishes

For those just hanging out for this particular story, I’ll tag you whenever I post the companion too unless otherwise asked not to!

Fic tag:

@amerikanskaya-krassavitsa @estrellami-1

[sage-is-in-fact-very-tired]

And you thought the lions were bad / Well, they tried to kill my brothers / And for every king that died / Oh, they would crown another / And it's harder than you think / Telling dreams from one another / And you thought the lions were bad / Well, they tried to kill my brother / And felled in the night by the ones you think you love / They will come for you

coded coded coded coded coded

i LOVE daniel in the den its so its. so its. its. yk?

”and you thought the lions were bad, well they tried to kill my brother.” icarus and rae on the run. icarus and rae fighting wild animals. icarus fighting. icarus fighting without any training.

“and for every king that died, oh they would crown another.” icarus icarus icarus icarus icarus. hes so. hes so. mmm. tragic. icarus in the castle. icarus being 5-6 and having the pressure of being a prince. (i have thoughts about icarus if he’d grown fully up with fable to do with their relationship with their gender/sexuality but that’s a whole different conversation.) icarus with the weight of a kingdom on his shoulders as a child. with the weight of his fathers expectations.

“and its harder than you think, telling dreams from one another.” the. the resets. the memories that got torn up. over and over. getting seperated and finding eachother again. being lost. having memories from the other sherberts. everything blending together. (along with my “icarus has dissociation issues”) not knowing what’s real. what’s a true memory (cough, s2 prison arc, cough), what’s a dream ect.

“and felled in the night by the ones you think you love.” can i say cathedral. can i say icarus on the quartz and fable going to kill him before centross stepped in. can i say the finale when icarus kills fable. or. or. or. the resets. fable not letting icarus die.

“they will come for you.” quixis. midas. midas not bringing ic when their eye started bleeding and then not being able to bring them and then the decay and dying and dying and- then icarus becoming quixis. taking the role. the mantle. can i say post!quixis icarus coming home. and seeing his friends and family again.

sorry for autism dumping in ur asks AGAIN this is silly

(this is the stupidest bit i have going on)

— ti

crying about this song immensely oh you're filing the brainrot oh when I finally analyze this song line by line I'm gonna . mmmmmmm

you say this as though you're not talking to the guy who just autism dumps to Tumblr on the daily about Icarus morningstar /lh /hj

(It's wonderful <3)

[callistocalavarni]

shifting to the 60s

hii I havent posted in a while, I've been trying re group from multiple shifts while getting my life back in order but I think I'm back.. Anyway I have a bunch of stories from so many places I'd like to share and im currently working on how I want to post them. But I don't see a lot of storytimes so I think it would be fun to share some. So i'm gonna rant about some shorter ones here.

shifting with sleep paralysis

I wanted to talk about this shift because it stuck out to me and I can't stop thinking about it.. I had shifted about 2 times in the span of 30 seconds. For a whole week back in October I was waking up at 3-5 am in the morning without being able to go back to sleep. So as you can guess I woke up at around 4 am and was restless. At around 6 am I got tired again so I started my method and I know people say that symptoms don't exist but in the time that I have shifted all I can say is that I disagree.. Anyway, one moment I was saying affimations and then the next I woke up all tingly and in a weird sleep state I've never been in before. I didn't even say to myself I wanted to shift I just did. It was like my mind was on autopilot. Didn't say affimations, didn't go through my script in my head, didn't even try to use the 5 senses. I just started seeing myself in 1st person and what I would be doing in my dr without any forethought and shifted. The first shift, I was on a track running with a couple of men and we all were wearing 60s running wear. I had an orange and red tank top with matching orange shorts. It had felt like there was an orange filter in this reality.. if that makes sense. I was on the track about to run and I just recall looking around laughing.

When I shifted to this moment its like I felt my consciousness leave my body; Which is the weird part because I've never really experinced this before. It felt like I was being pulled up by something and all I could hear was constant noise. I don't even know what noise I was hearing it was like someone was screaming right in my ear or veryyy loud ringing/static. The noise was SO loud. I was in the middle of sprinting when I shifted back because I thought I was the one making the noise, I thought I was screaming..Thankfully it was not me. But When I came back I was still In that state and I could look around me but my eyes were still closed. It's like I was seeing everything from a different perspective. There was a spider crawling on my wall right next to me when I shifted back so I freaked out and the noise got even louder ! The spider was leaving black spots all over my wall,, I could not figure out what was going on in the moment ( when I was writing this in my journal I figured out it was sleep paralysis ) It felt like I was tripping on a bunch of pain killers when I shifted back. I still couldn't move so I shifted again to the same reality but this time I was in the shower... the noise got even louder. The noise made it feel like a bad trip and I ended up shifting back here to try and stop it. It took my like an hour to get out of sleep paralysis. Unlike the method, this reality was very enyjoyable. It felt like a Nina Brodskyaya song, I lived alone and I was successful. I think I worked at a cigarette company, which is ironic because I hate smoking. But I don't know for sure as I didn't stay long enough to find out.

Lumari is a country I scripted, Forlina being one of its nations.

This reality was late 70's early 80's and one of my favorite drs. I stayed here for about a year. I was in Forlina living in an all girls home. Forlina gives free housing to students so I moved out of my parents house to start collage. About six girls are given a room to share together, don't worry they are pretty big. I loved our room. It had big sliding windows that gave a view of the tropical forest. We each had sunken in beds, some girls who were home sick shared beds for a couple of weeks. It took me a while to get use to the amount of noise in the morning. There was this one girl who would blast music on the radio while getting ready. I only had to worry about this sometimes because I woke up pretty early. Art was one of my classes and the professer would make the class times either 7 am or 9 pm which also took me some time to get use to. idk the guy was kind of weird. I rode my bike everywhere here. I miss being able to ride down a bike trail and see the ocean. I've been thinking about shifting back here for some time. I might post more about this reality in more detail later.

<3

[fallen-faerie]

ppl keep asking me why i havent been posting a lot and its because ive been in extreme withdrawal from serious opiates for a MONTH now. i take 3 8mg strips of suboxone daily. and when i dont take 1 of them i get sick within a few hours. its now been a fucking month.

i lost my insurance without my knowledge and upon finding out, i had to pay for my medicine out of pocket until it was fixed. and because of the extreme withdrawal i missed a few appointments telling them i was in so much physical pain i couldn't drive. and so i was booted from that office and now i am awaiting getting into a clinic specifically for suboxone that is within walking distance.

i honestly don't know how ive managed to make it this long without my medication. and ive been on suboxone for years so i know its going to get worse. it HAS been getting worse each day. i have to get back on it in order to taper off of the drug completely.

anyone else i know probably would have relapsed on heroin by now. (that was the drug i got clean from). and i have been tempted to just do it to end the suffering im in.

words cannot even describe the amount of pain and torture i am feeling. i only have another week left until i get into this clinic. they said they will call if an opening is available but there is such a long wait list because i live in a city that has a realllyyy bad opiate problem.

i think ive only made it this long because of my kids and the fact that i refuse to throw away 5 years of sobriety because my insurance company failed to notify me that i needed to re-apply for insurance.

the pain is fucking excruciating and everything in me is telling me i cant go much longer without using something to make it stop. its messing with my head. and its not like before when i was homeless and addicted to heroin. i always have money on me. i live in a bad neighborhood where dealers are all around me. im doing my best to try to distract myself with video games. i am literally so sick i can barely even move. thank god i have ppl here to help me but even they can see that im starting to lose it mentally 😭😭😭😭😭

and before anyone tells me i should just rough it and not get back on suboxone:

suboxone withdrawal can last for months. ive already been off of it for a month and its only gotten worse not better. and i have been on suboxone since i was 19. im 27 now. so i would probably be looking at many months of torturous withdrawal. the only way i can actually get clean from suboxone is by tapering off of it little by little, which i was waiting to do because i have a toddler to take care of and tapering off of it is hell too.

[shitfridge]

see you die very easily, just like any other man *poses the body in from of the coliseum in the most dramatic way ever*

[stiffyck]

Artists on Instagram and tiktok and most other sites are the strongest people on earth because the comments are always fied with so many stupid people. I'd be murdering them if that was on my posts.

People have no idea what the fuck art is.

[camels-pen]

the difference between zosopp and sanuso (romantic OR platonic) is that Usopp is Zoro's specialest little guy and Zoro is someone Usopp hangs out with and looks up to and hides behind when things get scary, but Sanji and Usopp are best friends. They horse around, they beat each other up, they confide their worst fears trying to one up each other. Usopp hides behind Sanji sometimes, sure, but idk, Sanji's weaknesses are more obvious (bugs, fighting women, etc) so there are times when Usopp has to stand in front of Sanji too, yknow?

Like, how do I say this, all the crewmates are equal- Usopp and Zoro are equals- but with Sanji it feels like more... comradery? Zoro's a rock in a terrible storm- even rocks tend to get weathered and chipped and worn down, but they overall stay strong and steady. He has trouble being vulnerable and there are times when the burden he's placed on himself to keep the crew safe is crushing his chest. Usopp would help with that and be very understanding, but the point I'm trying to get with that is that those moments are few and far between. So I feel like Usopp, especially after Water 7, would take Zoro's lead on something like that, and keep most of his worries to himself or only talk about them sparingly unless they're really bad and/or he can't hide them.

Sanji is like a tree in a storm; he can be strong, yes, but it feels like he bends and sways with the storm, and has more obvious breaking points. He can relate more to Usopp's struggles rather than resorting to blunt honesty that might border on callous like Zoro. And while, with Zosopp, I tend to think of scenarios with Zoro being blunt like that as a good thing- because sometimes when you're spiraling, it's nice to have someone say exactly what's great about you and shoot down all your worries with straight facts that you can't argue with- I can also see this as being a bad thing. Anxiety can really twist up your brain sometimes, you know? And despite the words, the tone could still mess someone up if they're already feeling like a burden on others in some way.

With Sanuso it's a lot more understanding and thoughtful words. It's distractions and comfort food and patience- the kind reserved for Usopp- until Usopp talks about whatever's troubling him. Compared to Zosopp, it doesn't take as long for Usopp to open up, since he's done the same thing to Sanji at times and it's more familiar to him to talk and commiserate with Sanji about his worries and doubts and such. However, there are times stuff like this has absolutely no effect and Sanji will end up at a loss, no idea what to do or how to help over the course of several days with Usopp being quiet and keeping his distance, and he'll end up working himself up about it which will only serve to make Usopp feel worse and. yeah. bit of a vicious cycle with them.

So it's like. Usopp can be weak with both of them, but since I see Sanji as the type of guy who'd be more open with his worries (at least compared to Zoro), there's less of a need to 'perform' and be his best self around him. He's comfortable around Zoro, yes, but he is constantly wanting to show that he won't be a problem to him. On the other hand, while he's more open with Sanji, and Sanji with him, they tend to relate a bit too much with each other and they both have issues with causing trouble for others and being 'deserving of love' so failed attempts at consoling one hurts the other and creates an unpleasant cycle of misery and avoidance before some other crewmate (Zoro) tells them to quit being stupid and just fucking talk to each other.

[daisybell-on-a-carousel]

"Jason was the happy robin" this, "jason was the angry robin" that. Let's all be fully honest here Jason was the lonely robin

[triglycercule]

cross is so shippable with anyone OUTSIDE of the bad sanses it kills me that his most popular ships ARE LITERALLY ALL BAD SANSES SHIPS 💀💀💀💀

i say as i saw this one tweet saying cross and xtale was originally meant to be art themed and he was gonna be chalk instead of cross and that meant. ink and chalk. ART SUPPLIES????? THATS SO CUTE!!!!! and then i just saw the cutest crink comic and,,,, SIGHS!!! WITH FURY BEHIND THE SIGH!!!!!!

crink cream clue crerror what other OH YA crepic (HOW COULD I FORGET CREPIC) i thought of cross x swap x fell in class like a week ago. i think it would be cute lowkey. monocherryberry. ive been seeing sprinklings of ccino x cross and i think its cute even tho i care naught for ccino. wait what would a cross x classic ship name be??? cross sans. LMAO. crossic???? comicross. paneling. OOH cross/geno. CROSS/FATAL,,,,, what about that one like crepic + fresh ship!!!! the silly gang thats so cute. literally has so much chemistry with ANYONE. ANYBODY!!! but nm killer dust and horror. outrageous

[oh-wow-im-still-here]

Mxtx was so sexy for having shen qingqiu experience the shen jiu flashbacks and still deciding to dislike him. Don't get me wrong I eat up all those awesome fanfics and headcannons of them having some sort of positive relationship like it's breadsticks, but sy!shen qingqiu's canon perception of shen jiu is just so juicy!

Like, you die, you die cursing and screaming some trashfire novel but wake up in your least favorite character's body. But he's not a character anymore, you eventually find out and accept that you and everyone around you is real. This body is real and so was the person who had it before. This body was theirs but now its yours. This body has done real horrendous things to real people that you care about. Some omnipotent system inside you is encouraging and coercing you into doing similar horrendous acts this body would have done, what it used to do. This body is not yours but now it is and now you have to live with it knowing you have to act out this body's role. Hurt your loved ones, distance yourself from your comrades, die a painful death. That is what this body was meant for, this was the original owner's fate, live with it. You are now one of the only people in the whole world that intimately knows how that man was the way he was and why he did the things he did. But that does not make it better, you feel pity, some sort of regret for how things could have been, but you cant forgive and forget because you hate him. You hate the character who turned out to be a man. You hate the man that used to own this body. You hate this body that's yours but not really yours. You hate your role, this narrative, this world, your future circumstances. Your actions of self preservation that have caused great harm. And ultimately, you hate yourself.

[trainingdummyrabbit]

ayin. i'm curious

one question in and im already having to pull up the cutscene dialogue. god. ok listen this is the most bullyable man in the whole entire world and he makes it so easy, but also I Do Fucking Love This Guy. i need to study him so bad its unreal.

im always a sucker for characters introduced as a "yeah theyre totally a player stand-in dont worry about it ^_^" and then they kick you in the fucking shins halfway through. and he is no exception. i am Notoriously endeared by characters with any amount of weird identity fuckery going on and Jesus Fucking Christ Dude.

the way that he is so solidly rooted in the core of everything that goes down in lobcorp, and yet how certain bits of his attitude and Personality are Wholly lost. how most of what we know of him is through secondhand accounts and recollections, and yet he refuses to let on anything about himself in his own memory of things. his perception revolves entirely around the people around him to a very, Very stark degree. im not sure if its just a side effect of the genre and execution of this story in particular or if im just making shit up, but.

hes not a loud character. something about that in tangent with how he completely splinters himself over and over in conjunction with the things that happened to them, its all very compelling. the way he tackles problems with this sort of analytical distance, unaware of or perhaps intentionally separating his own mess from what he feels he has to do-- while at the same time having it be so inextricably intertwined with Everything. he feels like the type of character to desperately want to simply point a direction and shoot, yet he gets in his own way time and time again, simultaneously on accident And on purpose. avoidant of And conscious of.

ill be real im just kind of spitballing the vague Idea of him in hopes of reaching something concrete. he's so intent on the straightforward "any means necessary," yet he sabotages himself every step of the way. its fascinating. such a strange form of self-destruction.

i wonder how he really feels about everything. how he felt, and then, what exactly it is that changed in him after the SoL project "completion". what exactly did he come to terms with through the course of ruina? was it something new he hadn't the room to process until then, or was it simply an understanding that he'd had for longer than that, that he'd simply never had the mind to voice it?

and then! the way he feels about the rest of the team-- how little he seems to speak of any particular bond between himself and them, and yet (iirc) he has photos of them all up in his office. how much of him is means to an end, and how much is compartmentalization of what he might actually feel? which does he want to be true?

does that cohere? he's such a messy tangle of things that never get spoken-- on purpose and otherwise-- that it makes him so difficult to Actually Read, and yet... and yet! what im saying is that benjamin saw something in him, and that is something worth studying-- not because of doubt, but because of a desire to truly Understand. something about the metaphor between Sun and Shadow, seeing things in the gaps burned between photos. fascinating specimen. i need to put him into a blender.

also hes one of the few characters capable of making me lose it just by seeing his basic png which has to count for something i guess

[toytulini]

whys it so hard

[pkmoth]

having swap au thoughts. *slaps roof of claus* there's so much mental illness in this guy. im gonna blow up everyone in the room and then myself