#its so very scary right now i know
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i know everything is scary ( i say this as a danish person) But your family and your friends will be there to hold you live to spite people that dont want you here We will always remain Love you guys so bad
#its so very scary right now i know#but im here#and people will be here#its always been tough if you look back in history#but we will always remain#hugs everyone
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Crazy issues that come up when a character is written a little too well
#yay story time comic nobody asked for#funnily enough i will NEVER play undertale on the computer because of this#my first exposure to undertale was jacksepticeye and i am glad i didn't opt to play the game myself at the time#flowey closing the game and then the broken start up cutscene was bad enough just WATCHING it#and i STILL have to watch that chara thing at the end with a far distance from my screen and the volume down#not because of the scary face but because of the violin noise that sounds like its a repeating tone rather than a loop#and then of course the window hopping around#am also very glad i was spoiled about the spamton mercy win before i tried it myself#am slightly worried about future deltarune chapters but at least now i'm anticipating it#anyway remember when i tagged that one post ''i'm scared of computers and it's a monkey's fault''#now you know :3#i really wanted this done on thursday#and apparently dawn's brain says friday doesn't happen until after i fall asleep#so now i am awake and it is 4:30 and i hear birds chirping so nighty night#((or good morning))#yay comic :D i was right this did help a lot with getting some program familiarity#it's not the greatest paneling in the world but it's good for now#idk if i should really tag him or not#but uh#spamton#deltarune#spamton enjoyers i am so sorry#i am terrified of him only because he does his job in the story very well
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love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest
#not art#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#like. does she have a mean of knowing lucy and yolanda got sent to cassandra's domain to hang out for a bit#kipperlilly's isolation means so much to me. she is punished for everything she's done she just doesn't pick up on it#until the moment she dies! one more funky thing that mirrors riz in which he's actively tried to cultivate a community and denied it#until the bad kids. while kipperlilly does not want or care about a community she just wants someone who validates her#but she does Need a community so she latches onto the person she lets closer to her to fulfill her emotional needs#she took the ritual willingly so this might genuinely be her first death. probably terrifying#probably not even enough bandwidth to feel mortified. maybe immediately seeking something comforting out of instinct alone#lmao honestly thinking too much abt fantasy high afterlifes gives me a headache And a visceral fear#Im not religious but I grew up in a culture with a dominantly buddhist/taoist cosmology its Scary that u just go to A Place after u die!!#and then ur still urself!!! thats scary to me what do u mean u stay like that forever. thats fucked#but yeah I think this influences how I see kipperlilly turn out a little bit. in a sense I think of her as being a ghost now#yknow. trying to solve something from life so she can move on and. stop living this life etc#man the reveal that lucy took being killed pretty seriously and is like yeah the others are decent and even sweet#and probably was just trying to hold her party together and do what she thinks is moral by hearing kipperlilly out#lol lmao etc. gods I gotta wonder how kipperlilly's mindset handled jawbones' help#it really is damn tragic tho. I stand by what I said folks like this will complain and be nasty to be around#but they dont have enough desire to inconvenience themselves to off the bat do something abt what they find unfair or whatever#its when theyre handed the seemingly very easy means to be right that they'll start being dangerous#its horribly tragic that the supposed metaplayer and the self-perceived mastermind turned out to ultimately be just an useful idiot#yknow what. I think personally in my heart kipperlilly moves on from her afterlife the moment she says sorry#doesnt even have to be to lucy but that's probably gonna be who received it#ah.... teenage rebellion. teenage gamejacking
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Butcher is currently serving Homelander season 1 levels of unpredictability and unknowingness
#vidz#its very interesting to note that we as the audience dont really know him anymore#i would not trust that man#hes so scary right now#billy butcher#the boys#the boys tv
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ok heres this. how i interpreted his fears at least
#rnm spoilers#most of them r said pretty plainly but whatever LOL i love lists#interesting how u can see mortys Main fear of relying on rick right from the start#not sure abt the ‘rick putting them in danger one’#its in tbat little loop of Rick Fears#which im not quite sure what to make of. so thats the closest i can get#its definitely smth hes doen a lot. so theres that#SCARY IMPLICATIONS of morty having overcome his reliance on rick. or at least his fear of it#like in conquering the hole alone hes realised he doesnt really Need rick.#like maybe one day therell be a time he gets in trouble and rick Wont bail him out. or cant. but hes ok w that now?#hmmmm. intersting. very curious to see where that goes#themost painful one for me is being responsible for ricks sadness#liek thsts so fucking rough.#GETTING PERSONAL…. like i know how it feels to be a kid and feel responsible for the emotions of adults. it sucks balls#itd be interesting to see if All of these fesrs have been conquered or just the reliance one
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Wverytime I sit down at a computer to make music I get so scared
#i like siting down with a guitar and writing music but the daw is still so scary to me and i dont know how to make it less scary#its like i dont know where to start#i understand music theory i can write chord progressions i can write melodies but arranging feels so daunting#like just trying to pick keyboard voices and stuff im like overwhelmed and then its like i just dont even know where to start#i think i need to do more covers to practice arranging because trying to do it with my own songs im just like i have NO IDEA#i do think that trying to recreate arrangements of other songs I like will help me but also just idk#i really want to get better at writing at the piano but i find it really hard#rn i write almost all my songs on the guitar then i guess what i have to do is try to think of like what style i want it to have#and sort of try to create a map like probably literally on paper and then try to go in and sort of do it but god its so hard i dont know#it feels so so daunting#even trying to make silly little stuff with just like some synths is really hard for me right now its so out of my comfort zone and AUGH id#its frustrating im scared of the computer but i also very much do not want to be an acoustic singer songwriter but thats all i can do#because all i can do is play fucking guitar!!!! and its just so frustrating#technically im like with a midi controller i should be able to do whatever program drums write little synth lines etc i dont have to like#know how to play piano and yet whenever i try to do it i just get so overwhelmed and freaked out with how many possibilities there are#that i just . cannnnnt#AHGHHHHHHHHHHHH im so im in such a bad mood right ow#ive had such a horrible night honestly#i think i will just go engage in fixation for comfort and then go to bed sigh#i dont know what to do to improve at making music in the daw i guess ill just maybe try again this weekend to take another crack at it#god its just so frustrating that i only started writing songs 2 years ago and have only learned to use a daw in the last 3 months i WISH#that i was one of these teenagers who spent all my time writing silly songs and playing around with a midi controller but i just didnt#because i was scared!!!!!!!#playing the guitar and singing has always been like the only thing that felt safe cos i felt if i tried to actually write and arrange songs#by myself i would fail so now i just feel so frustrated because i dont feel like a real musician and i feel like im starting too late#AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH whatever sorry for using the tags of this post as my diary but#i am frustrated!!!!
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the thing is that whats happening is really scary. not because everything is going to fall apart - he may do far less damage than we fear.
but because this outcome has people afraid for their lives and uncertain if they want to live. democracy should never leave such a large proportion of people fearful.
yes, there will always be people upset about the outcome of an election - usually around half. but there should never be people interested in harming others or constructing conspiracy theories, and absolutely never people interested in harming themselves.
American politics, radicalism and individualism has gone too far and its dangerous.
#NOTE this is a very western and privileged perspective - its completely different in countries with already hazardous political landscapes#im trying not to think or post about it#but i see SO MANY PEOPLE posting helplines#and messages of hope#as well as people confession that they are having suicidal thoughts after this#its terrifying#yes poltics has long beeen scary but now a global superpower??#its quite devastating#that a radical man has developed a cult following who overlook his criminal convictions#that people fear a 'leftist' opinion that is similarly progressive as our 'right wing' in aus#and a third of people didnt even vote. even though this might impact them#and will CERTAINLY impact people they know in some way#its just awful and tragic when you look at what happened#our brains like to imagine the worst case scenario#i struggle to believe that this term will be as bad as we fear#but i fear what this choice means for america#for politics#for the world#thank u for coming to my ted talk#us politics#american politics#us election#donald trump#kamala harris
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me, stupidly and weirdly resistant to listening to audio books vs reading a physical book for no real reason: man i wish there was a way to like, read a book while i crochet like i do with tv shows and movies and podcasts
#toy txt post#my reasons are irrational you dont need to try to talk me into it. i KNOW#its very silly of me#imagine how much reading i could get done. but alas. Feels Bad#even listening to a more. uh. Story type podcast or fiction like nightvale was a bit difficult to start for me. i like nightvale now i#listened. but i worry that is clocking in my brain as an Exception 😔 maybe it would be easier if i tried some nonfiction books? scary#i also struggle with single host podcasts apparently even tho im also ehhhh on the kind where the structure is the host Interviewing a#different person everytime? maybe it would be okay with a nonfiction audiobook tho cos it would be getting read by a narrator and not sound#so much like a guy ranting into a mic which makes me feel a little insane. altho propaganda doesnt necessarily always sound like a guy#ranting into a mic so idk. i could probably make it through if i can find a nice book about like. parasitic worms. i could tolerate#feeling like im falling into sigma male affirmations videos for worms i think. wormffirmations are allowed#*to clarify i dont listen to those but listening to better offline makes me feel like im morphing into the kinda guy who does and i hate it#which feels unfair cos he is RIGHT and the podcast is good but i need there to be like a cohost there to break the tension of the Ranting#sometimes he has guests on? but its not quite the same#i think the format i like best is either like 2 or 3 regular cohosts discussing things within a specific topic#OR. 1 host whos like infodumping to the other host who knows nothing about the subject. OR. 2 hosts info dumping to each other about#different aspects of the subject. OR. 1 host who brings on fun guests to infodump to them about a subject. and then obviously the subject#needs to intrigue me. ex. sawbones well theres your problem (I HATE THAT THIS ONE IS BEST EXPERIENCED ON YOUTUBE😭 I WANT THEM TO JUST DUMP#ALL THE SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST SOMEWHERE AND I CAN CHECK IN AND FOLLOW ALONG THAT WAY WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE MY PHONE SCREEN ON THE#WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!! but. im listening for free so its unreasonable to demand more of them BUT ALSO I FEEL LIKE JUST COPYPASTING ALL OF THE#SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST ISNT THAT MUCH MORE EFFORT THAN EDITING A WHOLE YOUTUBE VIDEO? WAAAAAH. THEY DONT NEED TO BE TIMESTAMPED OR#ANYTHING JUST THROW EM IN ILL FIGURE IT OUTTTTTT#anyway. also more than 3 hosts is really pushing my ability to keep track of voices.#anyway: sawbones wtyp tpwky behind the bastards scam goddess#(which is true crime adjacent but focuses mainly on scams and isnt copaganda and laci is funny and cool)#common descent pod completely arbortrary maintenance phase if books could kill#deep sea podcast has more bringing ppl in to interview them about shit than i personally enjoy but i put up with it cos i do like the hosts#and the subject
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I like to to think mcs who wouldnt fall into the conventionally attractive category getting shooked when multiple demons find them attractive
#and i dont mean in a 'ur scary looking' way#unless thats what the person reading this would want of course#but uk theres kinda a look thats in right now#so what if its different in the devildom?#i would hope they arent constrained to a super strict beauty standard like humans tend to be#like they are more willing to engage with a variety of features#if that makes sense#its kinda like how ud think someone is gorgeous but society says the opposite#so ur definition of attractive is more broad in a sense#but i wanna take that thinking and apply that to a whole country lol#of course everyone still has their own preferences but theyre still very open to other things#like i prefer pancakes over waffles but i still like both of them and sometimes i want waffles more#anyways i think this would be cool u know#like 'wow i never got this much attention before this is almost jarring'#obey me#obey me nightbringer#the idea is interesting and i think it would make sense!#if uve lived long enough i feel like ud be more flexible right?? cause youve had more exposure and experiences to different people#i mean the brothers all liking mc regardless of looks could be good proof#theyre very different in personality but they all still find mc good looking#what i guess im trying to say is that demons in general are more versatile when it comes to looks or something like that#see how i said looks#cause they still be hating on angels and humans#tbh im giving this game more credit than i should#but i think the idea would at least be interesting to consider
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Ok not cool why am I hearing voices
#i need to go to the doctor 🧍🏼♂️#somethings wrong because usually they're not this clear#its weird and i dont like it#they sound like people i know and its too much right now#little vent sorry but i think im actually struggling#im so confused#aurhhg#ren won't shut up#mental illness#idk sometimes they get really clear and it freaks me out#other times it sounds like a bunch of voices talking over each other and it drives me crazy#most of the time when they're clear they just have very boring conversations#wow i didn't realize how much this was affecting me huh#most of the time its right as im trying to fall asleep. i can't tell if its just my dreams?? idk#but sometimes ill hear very loud words that are super clear#aa its scary sometimes grrr but normally it doesn't mess me up#but i heard a loved one say “help me” and now im freaking out aaaaurgggg#gonna text them because i also have paranoia really bad#tw mental illness#idk just in case i guess#im fine just a little spooked jdkxjsjxj#anyways sorry for the vent/ramble i just really needed to type it all out#might delete later idk
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i have this situation where i love talking about the queer experience particularly in the gender way, as nebulously as possible, when it comes to some sort of broader view or Other People's Experiences making Sense to me
but when i try to kind of face my own gender and thoughts i get like. scared and embarrassed to just Say It, i always have. the they/them out for may/hem jokes are one thing, but talking about my own raw and varied experience of not fitting into the binary, no matter how much i completely respect, support, and cheer on others experiences with it, its so... embarrassing. i cant face my own body a lot of the time. i hardly want anything to do with any gender most of the time, but the rest of the world operates with it really quite forthwith, and like. you can only ignore it so hard, where you fit in, or where you DON'T. where you never hardly ever see anyone else feel quite the way you do, so you feel like you're fake and invalid or doing transgender wrong 😭 (everyone else is fine and right and in charge of their life courageously though)
constantly in a push and pull of relaxing and letting myself find and affirm my identity as i best can with where im at physically, mentally, but also feeling very isolated and even shut down or shunned. the world feels like a box that gets smaller while i feel like the box shouldnt even exist at all sometimes, like it isnt that hard to just keep open and treat it like its just as plain a fact as the grass is green the sky is blue instead of something to pick apart or criticize...
im queer but im queer wrong sometimes, socially. and since im queer wrong sometimes socially, my lived-experience being queer isnt really valid due to being contrarian and so i shouldnt have much to say or have any valid reflections of the experiences around me!!! <-(feelings not reality, but important feelings to be worked through and understood and soothed, which can be difficult when relating or socializing comes with a difficulty increaser!!!!)
#skelly speaks#hfdjg i might delete this im not sure if it sounds too negative!#i dont mean it to be too terribly negative but it IS on my mind.#its a good sign i think that im thinking about these things so much though#im not exactly in the closet but i cant ever really go Back Into It Again now that ive gotten to where i am you know#and thats all just gender queer things! thats not the second punch of being asexual and feeling weird about that!!!#its so good to be honest with myself. i need these conversations!!!#i need to face these discomforts and evaluate them!!!#i have to make my decisions on them. in like. time not like Right Away but you know fjdj#why do i struggle with my body sometimes? why do i like my binder some days and feel horrible about it others?#why am i afraid of hrt? why do i wish i could also try it!#i think my ideals for my body are not realistic! but what are some things i could consider that could help?#intense introspection. its very scary! its also okay.
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AHHHHHH
#this post brought to you by: me#i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses#i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP#like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready#anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT#and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk#and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message#even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL#AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!!#i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year#i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17?#ive had a good well paying job since i was 18.#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job#which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind#so theres no point staying here.#i might never have this kind of job security again.#but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something#on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now#on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT#but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to#richard started yelling and swearing el oh el#might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible?#but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option#the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going#idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks#this is why i want to get out of here#also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about#not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey!#if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!
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sweet sweet re:kinder community... I would like to ask y'all how you came upon the game and your experiences with it because i wanna know. im genuinely so curious to hear about other people's experiences and little opinions about this game because of how wild the game is (/pos) I'd love to hear it. do ramble to me about it
#re:kinder#not art#so in my case i once saw someone talk about it in a video and some scenes with the very vague context really struck with me#i was like wow...that is so sad... i wonder what goes on#but the thing is i watch videos talking about games like that ALLL THE TIME while im multi-tasking so i FORGOT FOR A YEAR?!?!?#until one day i was sick in pain on my bed could not move. and then it came to me. yes. “RE:KINDER. I SHOULD PLAY IT.” LIKE OUT OF NOWHERE#i will never understand how i dying of pain remembered a game i saw once BY NAME AT LEAST A YEAR LATER when jve heard of so many games#and you wanna know why it stuck with me. i saw in the video an image of the “as if id be reborn as a princess” line#i did not know the context but it was devastating#AND WHEN I PLAYED THE GAME when that scene game i was shocked to silence😭😭 BECAUSE I BASICALLY WENT COMPLETELY BLIND??#I DID NOT KNOW THE LITTLE KID WOULD BE THE ANTAGONIST???? AND THAT HE WOULD HAVE SUCH A SAD STORY??#like. i saw the sad coming i knew it was bound to happen yet i could have never been prepared for how hard it would hit me#I HAD TONS OF FUN but at first when i finished it i was so confused and so lost i was like welll.....what a game... TOO STUNNED FOR WORDS#then i thoughr of it for 20 minutes and bawled my eyes out and realized it was art#so when i got to my second playthrough i CRIED LIKE CRAZYYY😭😭 I WAS BLOWN AWAY IT REALLY HITS YOU#personally it admittedly hit close to home and while it made me bawl my eyes out it was also very comforting i felt very understood#AND IT WAS CRAZY FUN TOO i was not bored once the first time i played through it i was sleepy but i was so excited to keep playing😭😭#its funnt becayse i was initially apprehensive about playing cuz im sensitive to stories where sad things happen to kids#but i played it regardless because i was like “but what if its one of those scary media that hit close to home and i enjoy”#AND I WAS RIGHT. BUT NOT ENTIRELY BECAUSE I DID NOT THINK IT WOULD HIT AS INTENSELY AS IT DID😭😭 IT WAS MYCH MORE THAN EXPEVTED#many ways in which it impacted me but if i started listing them i would not shut up . so for now it is enough#IN SUMMARY WOW.. WHAY A GOOD GAME!! PLAY RE:KINDER!!!#i rambled more than i intended to i do apologize
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Its so scary just never being able to trust myself I hate never knowing at any given moment if I feel whatever I'm feeling, good or bad, bc I actually should be or bc Im being completely insane again I hate it
#I just wish I knew ehether I was being rational or not#Its so scary never being able to trust my own thoughts and emotions#And especially with me in the process if changing meds I just never know anything anymore#Im just so scared all the time now that I have the clarity to see how bad I was#Because I'm so scared of being that bad again that now I can tell I'm overcorrecting and#trying to discipline myself for habing very valid complaints or being upset abt stuff Im right to be upset about#Ahuuuu why wasnt I just born normal I hate being scared of so kuch all the time#I just wish my future would stop changing and moving so I can have something tangible to hold onto#anything to keep me grounded
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I just had the horrible thought that I need to fall in love because having devastating crushes on beautiful, competent, authoritative women that I desperately want to please is exhausting and I need it to stop
#this one is straight so there's no room for delusion which is good#but my burning need to be her most favorite is eating me from the inside#it IS making me better at my job though#.......i mean i think so but what the fuck do i know#on friday night amongst the grueling psychosexual chaos that ensued a very smart guy that I LOVE said to me#i have no doubts you're gonna be a great psychiatrist actually#i traded a month with him to have another month with her#he's a phenomenologist she's a psychodynamic....ist? rival theories#I don't like most of psychodynamic theory.......so far#but i love the way she works and i can see how well it fits with her manymanyMANY patients and goddamnit i love personality dosorders#so i made the choice to go with her yes and im very torn casue i LOVE that guy and i wish i could become his friend like my bff from my year#also.......kind of dumb of me since I'd only soend two days a week woth her and the other three with very scary ladies#but I've been in scarier situation i can manage#and god when she praises me (silently obv she's only been forward about my merit ONCE and i almost pissed myself like an overexcited dog)#the endorphin rush is........man#but yes i need to work on this.......idk how to define it. closest i can get to explaining it is professional sub space#with strong aspects of praise kink#pathetic is what it is really#but hey if it makes me study harder who fucking cares right#I'm gonna be the smartest most intuitive fucking bitch amongst my peers so if I can't have her (them) carnally then goddamnit#I'LL HAVE THEIR PRAISE AND RESPECT AND ADMIRATION AT LEAST#........I'll be normal again in a week or two i just need to get over these next couple of days of....idk. inflammation i guess#yeah it's just like an infected wound right now#angry red throbbing hot pain#i know the drill it'll be better in a couple of days you just need to not freak out and let it do its thing#it's nice to be mature-r about emotional impulsivity and the shame that comes after an episode of deregulation#it really doesn't have to be a big deal even while it still feels like it#it still hurts but it's like......hour three of a tattoo. it's a bitch but you know it's gonna be over eventually and wriggling won't work#the only thing left to do is enjoying it all while it's happening or trying to#I don't think I'm doing a great job but what're you gonna do right
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me meeting someone new and Guz making a point to use my pronouns casually in the conversation so that we don't have to make a big deal of it, and he just gives me the proudest silliest thumbs-up after managing to introduce me using both they and it 😭😭💗💗💗
#dealing w rly uncomfortable unintentional transphobia in a server a potential irl friend invited me to so sdjfkl i'm Coping#its weird bc i can deal w being misgendered irl just fine but online it feels a lot different#i guess bc ppl dont rly know very well irl that i am not a she/her. but online i usually make it Very Clear that i use they/them#(i use they/it technically but it/its only feels right in certain spaces fsdjkl i have to feel safe and comfortable for that set)#so it feels a lot less excusable when it happens online :[ OH WELLLL i live in a conservative small town so i should be used to it lol#still feels bad. also kinda scary to have an irl person know my pronouns without me telling her directly but she's been rly nice abt it :3#im SO glad she's been cool about it. that was a rly big gamble i made to trust her w that fsjkl adding her on discord where it says they/it#like if she had taken it badly then i could've been outed to the whole centre and would've lost that space + that bit of income from there#and like. a huge chunk of my meagre support network. BUT I DIDNT SO ITS OKAY. YAYYYY#and now i may have an irl friend... i could like... do things in town with someone... thats so crazy fdjkl i haven't had that in 5+ yrs#ANYWAYS. i love guz so much and he makes me very happy and he is a trans ally forever and ever amen#dandy.cmd
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