#its so fucking scary and sad
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crying at the chiropractor again
#many worst case scenarios happened this week not even to my body#but definitely absolutely unthinkably horrible#and the polycule home im trying to make with them feels very up in the air now#which is honestly the least of their problems and we have at least a month to go before we know anything for certain#its so fucking scary and sad#and i didnt tell the chiro anything but i did cry for a minute and he was nice about it
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AND I MET THE CHANGE GOD TOO. OKAY. COOL OKAY
#I WASNT EVEN MEANING TO SO I ACCIDENTALLY SKIPPED THE DIALOGUE BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING FUCK#ill go and find it later if only to give myself peace of mind. BUT WOW. WHAT THE FUCK#my original plan was to 1) work my way to the king and talk to him 2) doom myself and take everyone down with me 3) loop back to floor 3#so i can visit the observatory and scrounge for any lore. although since i got killed that run siffrin asked the king to kill him first#which was intereresting. but i decided to have all doors unlocked that time around so i can just get the starcrest and go#but for some reason it wasnt working so i went to get the keyknife since i was already there and completely forgot i already had it#from the previous loop and THATS what triggered it. IT WAS FUNNY BUT ALSO SCARY BUT ALSO I THINK I GET WHAT THEY MEAN#about siffrin going back without actually changing. going along with a script even if his feelings on things change#the same way he has his own small rituals like the carving thing and does it for constancy. reassurance or safety even#and the times when he breaks script and ends horribly like the sadness attacking thing and bonnie yelling at him cause him to loop#to avoid it. although i cant really say anything bc id probably do the same thing. maybe not for the same reasons since im cruel#and make him do the worst to see what will happen since i put curiosity over rejection sensitivity as an observer and player but well.#i feel wrongfooted bringing it up since i dont have it myself but i have to wonder if this kind of leans into ocd tendencies.. i remember#reading something about how ocd is fuelled by fear. and things like counting and rituals are kind of used to cope with that?#if anyone knows anything more or talked abt it already id be really interested in hearing it bc im almost sure im not#the first to come to this conclusion. but i simply dont know enough nor have the confidence to broach the topic rn esp with how often#misconceptions around ocd get casually passed around so its hard for me to know what is and isnt a baseless assumption#puppy plays isat#in stars and time#isat#playthru#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#isat act 3 spoilers#change god#WHAT WAS THAT WITH WEARING LOOPS FACE THOUGH WHAT THE FUCKKK
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Dream brother with your tears scattered round the world
Dont be like the one who made me so old
Dont be like the one who left behind his name
Cause they’re waiting for you like I waited for mine
And nobody ever came
#HE MAKES ME SO SAD#Anyway I did some research about smallpox for this and holy fuck I did not know it was like… the most terrifying looking thing????#like it looks so painful? save ur self the google — I promise its scary#additionally!!! Jean would realistically have issues with sight—I depicted these as Corneal Leukoma#I just….. its like he got the messier more ‘unattractive’ version of Kim’s easily aesthetized eyesight problems#(I am speaking from a Jean informed perspective to be clear#like Kim’s eyesight issues and how it makes Kim feel is also real and serious but like lets play dolls from a Jean perspective for now)#and im just thinking about how im sure Harry was Jean’s eye now and again and AHHHHHHH do u all see the cycles and patterns and circles?????#Also his in game portrait captures a sadness and longing in his eyes that I can only dream of touching#I tried very hard anyway#I cried several times drawing this bc I was listening to my Jean playlist#which is the saddest playlist I ever did make#oh wait fuck real tags:#disco elysium#jean vicquemare#jean heron vicquemare#my art#alexa play i bet on losing dogs by mitski
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ok heres this. how i interpreted his fears at least
#rnm spoilers#most of them r said pretty plainly but whatever LOL i love lists#interesting how u can see mortys Main fear of relying on rick right from the start#not sure abt the ‘rick putting them in danger one’#its in tbat little loop of Rick Fears#which im not quite sure what to make of. so thats the closest i can get#its definitely smth hes doen a lot. so theres that#SCARY IMPLICATIONS of morty having overcome his reliance on rick. or at least his fear of it#like in conquering the hole alone hes realised he doesnt really Need rick.#like maybe one day therell be a time he gets in trouble and rick Wont bail him out. or cant. but hes ok w that now?#hmmmm. intersting. very curious to see where that goes#themost painful one for me is being responsible for ricks sadness#liek thsts so fucking rough.#GETTING PERSONAL…. like i know how it feels to be a kid and feel responsible for the emotions of adults. it sucks balls#itd be interesting to see if All of these fesrs have been conquered or just the reliance one
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#so remember when i was talking about having to temp move to a broken house owned by my brothers father in law#turns out he has been secretly telling the construction guy we hired to add more stuff#and refuse to pay them#putting all the expenses on me#i feel like i just got scammed#like my parents my brother his family and his family in law are scamming me to fix this house#i do have the money but this fucking sucks#im pulling all of it from my emergency and fun budget but its for emergency jfc not for fixing house that isnt even mine#i guess i should be fine#its kinda sad that irl im trying to pull this scary#dont fuck with me persona#alienating people who are thinking of taking advantage of me#and it worked sorta#except to my family who knows very well that its just a facade and i cant say no to them#aaaaaaa#i wish i could go off contact too bad i live in their vicinity
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Does anyone else feel a debilitating fear of getting better? Is this normal? Does it secretly prove I'm just faking everything for attention? Probably tbh
#cicadas vent tag#likr#i was looking at my knee would and realised it was getting kinda better#and felt almost . disappointed and afraid#and with mental illness the feeling is rven worse#like of course i want to get better!!! obviously!!!#but i feel almost sad when i realized i havent had a suicidal thought in a while#but tbh#the fear of never getting better is also terrifying#it must be so annoying to watch me hate myself and hurt myself over and over again and not get any better#but the idea of getting better is scary too#yknow?#its all terrifying#maybe the only non scary reality is one where i isolate myself from all of my friends forever#but that just makes me sad#ok this feels kind of all over the place but . idk its a very all over the place kind of feeling#delete later#ok this one is getting taken out of the drafts early cuz i just refused my parents offer to wash my knee#and one od my thoughts was 'what if it stops hurting'#im fucked up like deeply i think#btw im doing fine now im so cozy just . yeah
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Something I really adore about Minthara is she's the only companion--and honestly the only major character really--who truly brings the horror and tragedy of what is being done to the True Souls to the forefront, and reveals just what an awful fate you and the companions avoided by mere chance. Because at that point you're mostly thinking about turning into an illithid and true destruction of the self, not how you would've been a True Soul--but still you--slaughtering your way across the countryside like every other infected.
Because it doesn't matter how good or noble or strong-willed you are. Every companion, from Astarion to Wyll, would've been willing to commit atrocities in the Absolute's name were it not for the Prism.
The way she describes the Absolute is so insidious. How she had no choice, or more accurately her mind had been warped to the point that whatever the Absolute wanted was the best choice she could ever make. Minthara is Minthara, she expresses absolutely no shame for some truly horrid things and proudly claims evil actions taken in the name of survival or faith as her own, and yet what she did under the Absolute's control is what she outright rejects as being in any way her fault. The way Orin tormented her and then it was remembered as something revelatory, divine, rather than a moment of fear and violation, is so fucked up. Minthara is such a genuinely proud woman, so seeing her so affected and her declaration that she'd rather die than have her mind and agency stolen again, is very disturbing.
There are a few moments where the True Souls get a bit of narrative sympathy and humanity. Those siblings outside of the Grove for example. But Minthara is the one who truly brings home how every True Soul is a person who has been taken and violated and exploited with no real say or ability to resist. They are victims and their Chosen-ness is almost a mocking parody of the relationship between the gods (Bhaal, Myrkul, Bane, Shar, Mystra, Vlaakith) and their Chosen (Durge and Orin, Ketheric, Gortash, Shadowheart, Gale, Lae'zel) where the entire farce and delusion of it is laid out for us to see. At the very least the vampire spawn have some sort of will outside of their master, the True Souls don't even get that. And you still have to kill them.
Very fitting for the tragedy-horror theme of the 2nd Act though.
#bg3#like there's also some environmental details that also really hammer it home#the schoolteacher who took all those kids to Moonrise where they were sacrificed for example#but idk... Minthara just makes me crazy. listen to all her dialogue and she's just so! everything to me!#like as a companion SHE'S the main insight we have into what being a True Soul is like and it's SO fucked up#scary fucked up woman with big sad eyes full of pain and fear and rage I love you#the way she begs for her life. MINTHARA begs for her life. and beforehand they're boxing her in and leading her to a trap#and Minthara is still too brainwashed to do more than argue her devotion which Ketheric knows is true. knows that True Souls#literally CAN'T give anything but their best but he lets her verbally hang herself while trying to argue for her own life#because it's all a goddamn farce. and Minthara doesn't even realize it until you save her and get her out#and the WAY she pleads with Ketheric is so creepy because the Minthara you get to know is nothing like that#even when showing deference or respect. and Minthara is so so loyal and so confident in who she is and the Absolute#simply... steals that. turns it to its own uses and then when she fails strips her of what was already stolen from her#I always give her the ring you can get from Omeluum. I don't really need it but Minthara surely would appreciate it
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It's difficult to describe growing up my entire life thinking my copy of All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 was in fact simply All Dogs Go To Heaven.
The last thing I remember from this property was watching An All Dogs Christmas Carol.
I have located the first movie, which I have never seen.
THE TONE SHIFT. IS. RATHER JARRING, FOLKS.
Imagine if you always thought that The Secret of Nimh 2 was the actual movie The Secret of Nimh... and then one day you saw the original.
#original#all dogs go to heaven#don bluth#dom deluise#what the FUCK is going on?? did this dog jusf a#*did this dog just ADOPT A HUMAN CHILD#I'll be honest I'm skimming because I'm afraid of getting too sad right before bed.#it is by its nature about dogs dying so#but also it about HELL maybe#so#I mean so is the 2nd one but there were some weird 90s animated animal sequel Vibes that are a different flavor to this#this is like some secret of nimh shit. don bluth you old rascal you!#as I remember at the original secret of nimh is a super dark intense SCARY animated kids movie that I grew up on and have fond feelings on#and the sequel to this chilling tale of animal experimentation and mutation and torture and magic...#a big ol' MUSICAL with funny animal friends! - mind you it has been a minute...#the secret of nimh#secret of nimh#I remember the animation being fucking beautiful. I'll have to check it out again.#okay great [sarcasm] it's time for some racist animation bc ofc it is. skipping ahead to cat satan....#oh jesus even on fast forward this is very bad#this dog is her dad i giess#*i guess#that's fine. i mean he's a bad father but#is Charlie a fucking mob boss what is happening i skipped too far ahead i will watch it thru later the edibles haaave hit#omg charlie is a terrible father#unrelated but the way they animate this anthro dog in this movie would have turned me into a furry for sure if i had seen it as a kid#which if anything is a missed opportunity. I'd probably be a better artist if i was! someday they'll accept my application...😤#these dogs are gay
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Wait waitwaitwait I just saw something on Pinterest hold on
Was Snufkin deadass not aware he had parents??? Until Moominpappa was telling him about them??? Did he think he just spawned one day what
#the fuck do you mean he didn’t remember his parents??????#how long has he been on his own??????????#i understand that kids simply won’t think to question things they know but like KID. YOU HAD TO COME FROM SOMEWHERE.#moomins#snufkin#the exploits of moominpappa#i am back to being interested in moomins again so im going to finish watching the 90s series#and then i think ill watch the 2019 one and try to find some of the books#maybe ill be able to find the comics too#the real kicker is trying to get my sibling into it#bc i got them into tma easy enough all i had to do was show them fanart of jon being a sad tortured wet cat being kidnapped all the time#but the last time they saw me watching moomins they said he looked scary (baseless accusation?????)#and its not like moomin or snufkin are particularly tortured sad individuals#so i gotta find a new way to appeal to them despite how ‘scary’ moomin looks
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#having a creative rut feeling#gonna rant#im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well#and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that#like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw#but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it#i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh#idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make#and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame#but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset#im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay#bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know#I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content#multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame#but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't#vent ish
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One thing oden and ace teach us is that bad bitches go early so you can understand how worried I am for nami....
#oden asking if they still love him after beating a whole village of criminals up as the sun rises behind him...#oden sama..... 20 (maybe???) father of like 5 and boyfriend to many#KIKUS SISTER(BROTHER I DONT REALLY KNOW) IS THE ONE ON THE WHITEBEARD PIRATES???? KIKU IS THE LITTLE ONE!!!#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 962#another oden panty shot....#another oden panty shot as he begs for shirohige to take him to the sea with him.... which could mean anything...#marco teasing shirohige about liking oden.... this cant be true...#how is izu jumping that much omg... we ard not taking oden but this random samurai will do#toki can fight??? oden like that akdhakshdkshsks he looks like the harkonnen guy akdjajaja#he has sanji's radar.... amazing#episode 963#shirohige is gonna break down when he finds out oden left him for a woman.... so sad....#also the size difference.... poor woman.....#shirohige came back for him omg.....#THE BLONDE GUY WITH THE LASHES AND THE WOMAN WITH BLUE HAIR ARE FRANKYS PARENTS RIGHT???#already having babies in year 2..... momo was born in shirohiges boat... legend#orochi chosen as a substitute for oden omg.....#FUCKING TEECH!!! DIEE!!!! I CURSE THE DAY SHIROHIGE LET YOU ON HIS SHIP#episode 964#OROCHI DIEEEE CHALLENGE!!!! but this scene with the witch is a banger... such a shame he is a pathetic villain i mean he could be scary and#with his power he is..... facades and all....#sukiyaki coughing sounds like that GOO GOO GOO GOO cupcakke sound..... maybe its just me...#THEY KILLED SUKIYAKI ALREADY???? OMG ODEN!!!#why is he-man on shurohiges crew akdjsks... also so funny there is just a royal family in there...#roger talking about how his time is coming and he wants to fight shirohige again.... GO BE WITH YOUR BABY MAMA DEAD(heehee)BEAT!!!#another pantyshot akdjskks the animators are on my side.... i love how everyone wants oden now... roger and shirohige passing him around#roger skipping to go fight him akdjsksj he is the moment....#episode 965
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I wanna like popular jjk ships againnnn
#there's so much cute itfs content out there and I can't engage with any of it#bc the thought of thinking too hard about yuuji or megumi bores mehalf to death fjdkfk#like I like them but they're not fucked in the head enough for me to have fun projecting#like yeagh yuuji GETS those little scary moments but it's not a concious like sadism thing#megumi is... well he sure is something#like megumis whole deal is that this isnt the life he wants its just the life he has and that's too close to home but also painfully mundane#like they didn't even come out of the end more fucked up#that makes me sad tbh#I don't dislike these characters it's just that there are more fun characters to think about (like 90% of them related to yuuji)#poor yuuji with all his eccentricity is the milktoast boring family member that's actually so funny
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how was playing hsr? was there anything that you liked in the game and the story?
ITS BEEN AMAZING AS EXPECTED!!!!!!!!! i actually havent played genshin in a while since starting it, i have no motivation to do the filler event while a perfectly good star rail is sitting there waiting to be played :')
but for mechanics, i love they have auto battle so you dont have to nessecarily sit there and invest in every little battle you gotta do....and i love that the resin (resin??) system is a lot more forgiving with a higher cap, lower cost, and allow for overflow...thats nice...i also love that the mc and starter units are very useful. im so emotionally attatched to the star rail crew so im glad they never have to leave my team !!!!
storywise im LOVING IT SO FAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i started playing it at the beginning of spring break 2 weeks ago and im almost all caught up!!! i went through belabog and penacony and now im just doing those leftover intermission main quests which im only now realizing i shouldve done before going to penacony LMAO
and of course.....danmarch....im so soft for them......and also i love sampo i cant wait to see what they do with him
#besides the star rail crew and sampo im not too attatched to anyone else#im very much a (what would happen in canon) type of player so the only units i REALLY want are himeko welt and imbibitor lunae#(and sampo)#everyone else i can go without#so this game is probably gonna be a lot better for my wallet#overall it just like it better than genshin minus the open world part#i like the story and characters...i like that you can play as bad guys while theyre still bad guys???? like blade and kafka???#cuz in genshin you always gotta redeem them somehow first before theyre playable#not here hueheuhe#also i love that they actually kill off playable characters#(spoilers from here on out)#i know were supposed to be all sad for fireflys death but honestly.......i didnt care about her too much LMAO#i was actually a little annoyed for the secret base part because her base was SO FUCKING DEEP IN ENEMY TERRITORY#i was like (damn bitch how far away is this shit??!)#that by the time we got to the emotional part i was just mad#i never liked characters where the game tries to like....force you to care about them#and its implied you have some super close relationship ESPECIALLY when you havent known them long#now if march died that would be a whole different story#but firefly??? i mean rip but i didnt really know her#im loving the penacony quest so far though#any setting where its like a place of mind tricks and gambling and spending money and sin is always so scary to me#especially the dream within a dream within a dream shit#the mind fuck aspect is always a good plot that i enjoy#i also love that theyre not afraid to upgrade units#like we have dan heng and the dragon dan heng#so characters arnt stagnent forever#everyday i hope we one day get to see a 5-star secret power march#cuz that girl has some shit going on i swear#i just did her luofu memory quest#and those fuckers in the garden of recollection............
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it's not going too well
#cw vent#but#:[ i feel so baaad about it idk#one of the only things im known for in school is self harm and i dont wanna go back tomorrow#and now it feels like sh is basically my only recognisable thing#so everytime i look down at my arms and see scars fading away i just feel so terrible about it#what am i doing? why am i not cutting myself tahts what im meant to do thats what ive always done!! thats all anubody wants from me#i kinda really don't like how#basically everykne in my school really doesn't like me much cuz all i really have going is that i cut myself#have autism#and may or may not be a tranny#even though all of those things are things that are true qnd i dont even think they're bad things#i just. i dunno. i feel bad. like genuinely they have one thing they want me to do#and thats hurting myself!! but im not even doinf that right now#this is so dumb. all my problems are dumb as fuck huh#im so scared of school now#its not even just how the people act#when i go into the corridors there are so many people#so when im finally alone it always feels like theres someone behjdn me. its scaring meee i dunno. i hate school#please dont make me go back tgere. wait no what do you mean this is gonna be another three or so years#and even after those threes years i still have to go to university.. and get a job#this is the rest of my life i think and that makes me sad#i really tried to like school i tried so so hard to like school#but its so difficult. too many people too many noises#too many rumours and too many ableists#there are also too many tags on this post#but rlly the bad part of school has never been the work for me. im a dumbass but i do like learning#weh. dont make me go back. can i sleep for 72 hours instead of going to school#i hate walking into that stupid building everyday and being able to feel everybodys eyes go onto me#its all so scary. i should stop venting on here but i probably won't im sorry
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see the thing that gets me about the human centipede is that you're either a normie going to watch a movie and getting scared over nothing of you're a freak whos going like WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN?! and like both can backfire bc i cannot stress enough The Human Centipede is such a stupidly tame movie there's barely any blood at all but thing is what makes me be SO insane about it it's that Heiter's actor May He Rest In Peace just put his WHOLE PUSSY into playing him making it such a fucking enjoyable and hilarious movie.
Like you cannot go watch the human centipede first sequence expecting to be scared bc you'll get bored in the first 40 minutes of doomed yuri but you gotta embrace the sheer campiness of it. Nobody cares about the campiness bro. He makes chicken sounds. He makes horrible silly chicken noises. Are you listening to me.
#luly talks#NOBODY GETS IT I HATE IT HERE#ITS NOT A SCARY MOVIE ITS A SILLY ASS MOVIE#THAT'S WHY 3 IS MY FAVORITE 1 is the best tho objectively#IF YOU WANT ACTUAL GORE GO WATCH 2 THE POOP SPLATTERS THE TV ITS#ITS NOT FUNNY TO ME SADLY BUT I RESPECT IT TOO MUCH#3 has the best of both worlds bc its so gross and over the top BUT its also like. character focused#i mean 2 was too but its jsut a loooong drawn out torture scene#2 IS LITERALLY WHAT PEOPLE THINK 1 IS ITS SO FUNNY tom six is literally hilarious#but anyway ooooh you wanna watch the human centipede so bad oooooooh you wanna give it a chance#like granted the humor could just Not Hit but. It's literally just camp#go read my liveblog at least microdose in this masterpiece i am not exaggerating or being ironic its an incredible movie#and it has such a bad reputation for NO reason#like the scariest thing about THC is the poster#which is sick as all fucks btw#love the cultural impact this movie had also. but nobody appreciates it its so fucking sad............#i like at least 3 like. didnt lose the soul#bc 2 was six being a bit bitchy a bit of a OH YEAH? THEN WATCH THIS which is funny but yknow#3 is perfect 3 is the perfect end to the saga im so normal about the human centipede you can trust me around the human centipede#cant wait to start quoting bill boss like its my job once the heat starts rising#i'd learn to do gifsets...
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I loooooove making characters that are queer and have issues regarding being queer that has nothing to do with homophobia (:
#it’s fiction I can do wtvr I want!!#one of my favorite examples that like four people know about is Elijah Valleys.#when he was younger he tried being a girl cause he thought his mom would like him more. and she did!! and he got comfortable around her! so#he told her he wasn’t actually a girl and she got mad at him and it’s a rlly important part of his story cause after that he realized just h#ow much he was pretending to be someone else for other people and then a few years pass and he’s doing the same fucking thing!!!!#and there’s a small plot point of Jude in Dextrine where he gets really fucking sad because he’s aromantic and he doesn’t know how to explai#n that to other people!!!!!!#just AGJGFDHA idk IDK I know homophobia is a big way to show how being queer Sucks but sometimes its just being queer that’s scary and awful
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