#its only been a day that ive loved you but if you say thats not long enough i can return after 1000 days and it will still hold true
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Being someone who read Under The Red Hood and came out with the firm belief that, for Jason, it's not about killing Joker, it's about Jason wanting proof Batman would choose him over the Joker (bc shelia chose the joker). Makes seeing any other media where it's all about just wanting the Joker dead is a teeny bit frustrating. to be honest
Jason could've killed the Joker himself, really, really easily. Jason kidnaps the Joker before the confrontation. I can't open my comic for a reference right now, but it felt like he had the Joker for quite a bit before the confrontation. He had him. He beat him up with a crowbar. He had every single opportunity to kill the Joker himself, but he didn't because that wasn't his goal. Make no mistake, he did plan for the Joker to be dead by the end of it, but do you see what im trying to say here
Edit: If I knew this post was gonna get 1000+ notes I would've tried to word it better or something, this was a rant I made on the way to the grocery store 😭
It's not about making Batman kill either. When Batman says he won't kill, Jason adjusts and goes, 'Let ME kill the Joker or kill me to stop me' instead. The test is all about Batman choosing him. The whole final confrontation is Jason's first death again. The parent, The Joker, and the explosives. It even ends with Jason unable to move as a bomb goes off right next to him again because the parent didn't choose Jason. And instead tried finding an option that'd benefit them and (consequencely) letting the Joker walk, again, lol, lmao <-in agony
#the final confrontation was basically his first death again#and YES he Does want the Joker dead#and it would've been really really nice if Batman was the one who did it#but when batman made it clear he wouldn't kill the joker. Jason easily switched to saying “LET me kill the joker” to accommodate#because he Wanted batman to pass his test#he gave a test to dick too. and technically tim but it wasnt the family test it was a different one so it doesnt rly count#AFTER utrh and the reveal and the batarang you can go hog wild about it. i care less about it then#granted i do believe they make jason more scared of the joker after it at some point#i guess because hes a bit too willing to kill the joker and ive heard jason wasnt meant to live after utrh#my watsonian explain for that is he was so fixated on his plan he cpuld override his fear. or maybe the pit. either work#i prefer the fixation bc i dont like the explanation that the pit was the /only/ reason he could get all plan together and done#BUT THATS UNRELATED!!!#dc stop putting the joker in jason stories im begging you please please please. lock him in a vault for the next 20 years or something#it Cpuld be good and i understand. but also. after so long of people that dont know or go for jasons need for family and parents#that love him and he can trust#the joker starts to feel like?? hm. words. a cop out? oh haha its that guy that killed him woagh hes here#i bet you dont even know that jaybin got beat until unconsciousness by an angry mob#while asking batman to save him only for batman to have to walk away#anwya. where was i going with this#i think i got off topic#jason todd#dc comics#batman#ADDED AN EDIT. SORRY. this post has been haunting me it keeps me awake. what if people misunderstand#they cant read my tags where i ramble more depth. thisbis the only option#EDIT EDIT: hiii#removed the sentence abt jason having the joker for several days bc i misremembered some things#go read its-your-mind 's addition instead also#ok no more i wont edit this post anymore i promise
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okay last one. au where nothing goes wrong at all ever (a lie) and melia venam gay moment
#i like this game a normal amount (also a lie)#everyone should play now do it now please#pokemon rejuvenation#oh another thing about twitter. makes me sad i cant yell about things in the tags there like i always do because there are no tags there#if i wanted to id have to make it into a thread and im pretty sure people read those. so awful#i mean not that i say anything worthwhile here usually but still. no one reads this here. i could yell my thoughts if i had any#anyways about the au :] i have no idea how it would work#i have no thoughts ever at all i was just replaying the game and the one little line melia says at the picnic made me sad#the one where she says its her last day in gearen and asks the player to go with her to gdc#and then she just goes ah nevermind that was weird of me to ask#and no… wait come back… id love to go to gdc with you… :[#and thats where that idea came from. idk where the rest of it came from though i think ive been cursed or somethinv#and also something something her saying shes afraid to go to gdc alone only for her to end up in the past also alone sometging something. ow#my thoughts are very coherent i promise (no they arent)
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RANT
#hey boss#u uh- u said i was working sun n wed- can i have more consistent days so i have days to block out for interviews?#.#uve been forewarned#ok so its four months into my gap year and HOLY SHIT JOB SEARCHING IS SO FRUSTRATING#so im working as a clerk at this law firm mon and wed (only 8 hours total tho)#n i THOT i had my reatil job in the bag but then boss goes “yea im really sorry but i cant give u three days - only sundays and weds”#so i was like great ok i need another job thats cool ill just bliock out sundays and weds for potential employers#THEN on sat boss texts n goes “ahhh i dont need u till next week- also can u switch ur wed to fri”. ??????? MA'AM#so i go#she says sorry kid i dont WHICH IS FINE I APPRICIATE THE COMMUNICATION#so i have an interview the next day at a coffee shop for a time THE MANAGER OFFERED#i show up after having pit my day aside for this noon interview#i walk in employees go “uh ho manager stepped out”#she camnt come back for the rest of the day AND doesnt apologize in her email- just “unfourntallyyyy i didnt have time to check my email”#MAAM YOU SEND THE INVITE#whatever#luckily last friday i was invited to this job fair by like four diff locations in san fran n was immeditaly hired#(first trial shift tmr yay!)#but the commute is gonna be KILLER#however im hopeful n i love coffee so yay#also my pet sitting is taking off ive got two sits booked for october#which is suprising bc im also traveling for half the month#manchester edenbrough st andrews milan lake como babayyyyyyy#also this thursday im heading to chicago and maine for a wedding (yay go love!) and to tenessee for another wedding in jan#so now ive got law firm retail associate barista dog sitter n i just KNOW when the holidays roll around n both retail jobs will be wack ill#be floored#but. ahem anywats good things frustrating thinsg stressful things but GOD am i glad i took this gap year#oh yea and ive been hiking tones! lands end trail#tilden park
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going to start this post with the fact that im not trying to be a hater right now im just genuinely confused . anyway. the thing about sonic and shadow is that i dont think its a bad ship or that its entirely baseless or that their relationship is meaningless or anything like that. my feelings on so/nadow are complicated but i do like it to a degree . but i also feel like people are exaggerating how much is there in terms of canon backing for the ship (at least in the franchise overall if we're talking sonic prime specifically that makes more sense but prime is also like the spiders georg of so/nadow). like they have their moments but i dont think its as frequent a thing as people act like it is (again at least not in the games/comics) . like theyre just not as close or as obviously in love in the actual source material as some people seem to think they are ..??? some of the stuff i see being passed around as so/nadow moments is just them existing in the same frame .. ??? im not even saying its wrong to ship them or make them be in love in the headcanon sonic universe that exists in your head or whatever i just think that saying its basically canon is a huge stretch and idk what people are seeing between them that im not . sorry please dont get madat me. scampers away like a frightened little animal
#not prompted by anything in particular btw ive just been thinking about this for a couple days now#like i said im not trying to be a hater i just genuinely dont get it#also the way people try to make any and everything sonic and shadow do into proof that so/nadow is canon#even if only one of the characters is involved or its a massive reach or requires ignoring the existence of other characters#(usually knuckles. i could go on forever about the knuckles erasure in all this but thats a topic for another post#and i also always worry it comes off as me just arguing that so/nknux is better when thats not the point at all)#ialso think that some people ar ejust kind of making stuff up and convincing themselves its canon#like for example ive seen people say sonic and shadow are portrayed as a couple in official art and the art in question is just#of shadow standing there and they chose to interpret it as him thinking about sonic even though the art has nothing to do with him?#and i dont think its wrong to have so/nadow interpretations of moments that werent meant to be read that way . do what you want#but i feel like once you get to the point where you genuienly believe that every little thing they do is a hint theyre in love#maybe you should step back for a moment and look at the stories as a whole without the son/adow tunnel vision. idk
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ok u know what maybe if the world isn't ready for sunrazer post that means that the world IS ready for Amoveous siblings post. This is Milo and Enho and theyre my DARLINGS and i love them SO MUCH. i have. SOOOOOOOO many thoughts abt them but after the previous post massacre i do not really feel like typing all of that xoxo love <3
#THESE DRAWINGS HAVE BEEN SITTING IN MY DRAFTS FOR MONTHS LOL#meart#original character#robot oc#ily enho ily milo my darlings my angels my loves my funny robot guys.#ive posted abt Andromeda on here b4 if u remember her Enho is her best friend !!!!!#Enhos a battle robot who doesnt want 2 fight people..#hes the oldest sibling and theres a lot resting on their shoulders!#shes supposed to be this big metal protector but U.U she just wants to hide in his room.. and make music for the internet..#him and andy have this whole arc abt like. autonomy and identity and junk#being as andy is a government experiment who was raised to be a superhero who. has not yet realized that she HATES being a superhero lol#Enho inspires her!#milo um. does his own thing. he was the second amoveous bot and he is lucky to have been built without the responsibility of a battle bot#which means hes a LOT weaker. doesnt have a million weapons and lasers and such like enho does. no one expects much of him. he HATES IT!!!!#he wants to be POWERFUL! he wants to HURT PEOPLE!! he wants to be USEFUL!!! hes ANGRY ALL THE TIME#its EXSAUSTING.#yk that tinkerbell thing thats like. cuz shes so small she can only feel one emotion at once. and its so big it consumes her entirely?#hes that. he lives entirely in extremes. everything is 100% for him#he jumps to conclusions so quick and so violently.. hes incredibly impulsive and it gets him into a lot of trouble.#hes also a total NERD!!! GOOB!!! says mlady unironically. likes bad computer games. wears a stupid tie everyday. cartoonishly schemes 24/7#enho for the record is also a pretty angry person. they just dont rlly express it. they dont express much of anything lol.#shes semiverbal on a talkative day. he can be REALLY REALLY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE THO. THAT MF CAN BE SO PETTY. GOOFY ASS#but shes TERRIFIED she'll lose control of her emotions and her body and that shell hurt someone someday. absolutely terrified.#enho is as afraid of his strength as milo is of his weakness. theyre both two ends of the same extremes in a lot of ways.#polar opposites and yet exactly the same. they resent each other a lot. they need to learn to meet each other in the middle.#anyway ''i dont feel like typing all that'' and then i ramble in the tags for ten million years lol ToT I LOVE THESE GUYS#theyre my oldest ocs in this universe and i have so many thoughts if you have any questions feel free to ask me lol
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i wanted to make a post about a thing but the more i think about it the more i want to say and it's just going to end up being a big ramble essay, so instead i'll just give the thesis statement, thusly:
as the #1 Ratgrinders Apologist (self-appointed), of course they're the final boss fight to the death. i expected nothing less and the people trying to make discourse about it are ignoring the entire context of this being a Dungeons and Dragons game
#they're not playing 'discuss our traumas and and try to help strangers grow: the game'#they're playing 'murder people for getting in our way: the game'#which i know is now me being snubbing about D&D as a game but like. siobhan said it: theyve committed SO much murder#did the lunch lady in episode 2 deserve to be murdered? did the skater dwarves deserved to be murdered?#did the monsters the school sicced on the kids in their Last Stand deserve to be slaughtered like that??#its literally the name of the game!#the two things that are turning this into a bigger essay are 1) me being actually very disappointed in Burrow's End with how the players#just did not want at all to engage with the moral greyness aabria was trying to bring into the story#it was clear that was a direction she wanted to explore and i wanted to see it explored#but even OUT of characters the cast just would NOT engage or acknowledge the validity of that direction#and there was only so much aabria could do without being labeled a killjoy... because D&D often ISN'T a game for reckoning with#the justification of your character's actions! its a game for killing giant bears and saving the town from cultists!!#baked into the foundation of the game conceit is 'you are the hero and you are saving the day ergo your actions are Right and Just'#thing 2) i just listened to that WWW fireside the other day where brennan goes on about how combat does not get in the way#of story in dnd. that whole stove metaphor? and it rankled me so much lol because like aabria finally says after that:#yeah you bring your own food to the stove but when what you've got is a stove. the food you make is GOING to get cooked#combat and fighting and killing is baked into the system from its foundation. acting like D&D or even just d20 (the system)#is a resolution engine that also allows fighting and not a fighting engine that also allows other skills is. wishful thinking i think#and to bring this back to the POINT: of COURSE they're going to kill the rat grinders! because it's fun!#because thats how you resolve conflict in a combat game! straight up i honestly believe a lengthy conversation trying to win the kids over#would have been a weird energy to end the season on! it would have been a let down!#it would have been a huge tonal shift. because the tone you bring to a D&D game is 'killing this is fine actually'#and if you dont like that you /dont/ play D&D. its not a value judgment#i LOVE getting into moral implications and justifications and ive gotta tone it down when i run D&D games because it can kill the vibe#anyway. i said i wasnt going to write the whole essay and im not. but i did write most of the rant oops
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At which point did you realise that the plot of IW is ass? I've seen people complain only about the ending or the halfway point where the teams separate, while I was already actively rolling my eyes like four-five chapters in
i think the moment i fully accepted that IW's story was. Definitely A Story was the moment ebina announced 'bleach japan'. like i think leading up to that point i was thinking to myself 'oh i hope i see X happen' or being like 'i wonder where this is going' and that sort but the proverbial bucket of ice was definitely that moment
#infinite wealth spoilers#snap chats#what reaaaaally hammered it in too if it wasnt obvious already was the execution of the jimas/daigo like that still irks me LMAO#i cant even remember what chapter that happened in i just know when it did i was utterly pissed#i think i started to take things less seriously once bryce entered the picture but thats only because of how distracting his VA was#like much love the JP voice actors who try to speak english and japanese but i just cant act like it's not incredibly distracting#esp when the character is supposed to be white yk what i mean- or at the very least their first language is supposed to be english#typically i can look over that thing if its a one or two time kind of deal but he had to speak in english much longer than others#im just rambling about bryce tho this aint bout him. i mean he could be a part of it the cult was executed really sloppily#it might have been the introduction of bryce actually ... i remember thinking to myself 'oh brother' with the whole messiah thing LMAO#maybe it was when kiryu told us his cancer cam from radiation instead of. smoking 💀 ESPECIALLY not even five chapters in#like straight out the gate you just wanna drop that on us mr I Can Do Everything Myself I Cant Worry Others ok#thats a post for another day tho im EVERYWHERE#POINT IS this is not about Retrospect this is about First Impressions and memory warps over time#but i know for a fact i found the bleach japan thing utterly ridiculous and was squinting at the plot the entire time thereafter#like ive said this a million times at this point but although i love IW for it's gameplay (pardon some nitpicks like lack of shortcuts)#its story really feels so messy and had much to be desired. which is so sad after the wonderful stories rgg has been making since 0..#BUT OH WELL im still excited to replay it in english. god willing i ever get the time#i still wanna finish lost judgment <- isnt even halfway through the game#and i wanna do a fun stream Maybe with YK2 but ill get into that when i get into that#if youve read this far. thanks LOL id say sorry for the novel but thats what we expect of me at this point
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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come at me like kim gongja or do not come at me at all ✋😤💖
#your heart does not have to be beautiful that isnt why i love you so#teach me to love like you and i'll teach you to love like me#its only been a day that ive loved you but if you say thats not long enough i can return after 1000 days and it will still hold true#i'll go crazy for you and give you my everything but treat me equally and do the same for me#i can't live without a heart if i give mine to you so give me yours as well#''it doesn't matter if your heart is held hostage by the world. if that's the problem i'll free you.''#let's die and regress together trust me to kill you painlessly and ill trust you to be there when i open my eyes#kill me with your own hands i know its cruel but this is the only way to live on together#i'll fight the gods if it means we can live the rest of our lives hand in hand#our happiness will be as one and thats what it means to love#WHO ELSE IS DOING IT LIKE HIM#sssrh#beso babbles
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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The meower
#Queued... technically March 23rd?#I mean its march 22nd in oregon. but im not there rn lolz#either way im late. SORRY !! i forfor to queue on the 20th then i was on planes for like 21 hrs total#well no 5 of those were a layover @ the airport but#ANYWAYYYYY hi future me !!!#Howww was the trip? im on my first (second actually- its 4am of the second day if u coukd the arrival) day in Hong Kong#Its rlly hot and humid so I think im gonna die. BUT ITS ALSO SUPER COOL !!#Even just from the few hours I had out earlier its amazingggg. The lights and the buildings are so cool and theres such a fun but chaotic#atmosphere - idk if its just bcs its a big city or specific to HK?#I loveee large cities in general. New york. Tokyo. HK. thats all of the ones ive been to ig#I havent seen even close to all of HK. Im in central rn but we're goin to other parts later#Dad says the other parts are totally different- Like theres LOADS of gisnt buildings here (WAY MORE THAN U SEE IN ******!!! u know that tho#and theyre almost all residential of the ones I passed. Im sure theres offices n stuff i just didnt see them in the likd 20 minutes cab#ride lolz. U know all tuis already tho#ig what im getting at is HOW WAS THE TRIP !!!!! How was the rest of HK? WHAT WAS KYOTO LIKE??#augh soo many cool things.....#Also also !! Have you learned any mire katakana?#ive JUST learned the vowel line so maybe u lesrned the k line now too?#I cant imagine school is any different. OHH DID U FINISH THE M P 10P COMIC??#I started it and got abt one page done on the plane#I think it should only end up being two or three pages idk#Ohh !! Hows the new meds going !! I think u should have ur blood test done by now so do u know if it helped at all?#I hope soooooooooooo#Mm I think thats all I have to say .... NO WAIT HAVE U HUNG OUT W/ JACKIE??#i rlly want to b friends with her ^.^#Alright Thats all !! HAVE A GOOD DAYYYYYY I LOVE U#queue drop#weather report#WAIT EDIT DID THE TRIGUN VOLUME COME. HOW IS IT
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Bro what do you mean endori is only 4 events from the graduation event. Stop it stop it Now
#rat rambles#band posting#bro theyre on the yukiran event rn with crying ran its so jover#yall arent allowed to be catching up thats illegal#well ok saying theyre catching up is egagerating a bit but still thats so scary#I only noticed this because Ive been thinking abt yukiran again because I alas love them still and I found out thats the current event in en#bro once mygo is in en thats rly when its going to be jover#and you know if endori does succeed in catching up one day theyll be in shambles immediately afterwards#although who knows I havent been keeping up with endori so maybe its miraculously become a functional english server again#like idk endori has never been perfect but at least its almost always been more usable than ensekai lol#bro the song list ui alone is enough to make me wanna beg ensekai players to delete it#its ridiculously ugly and unprofessional and also I hate a lot of the english names for songs (~close to grey~ is the big one for me)#also just in general ensekai is incredibly ugly and unstable even by sekai standards and it has done nothing to earn my trust in any regard#like idk if you care at all abt the actual rhythm game part of it I see no reason to not get the japanese version#like I get wanting to have a convienent place to read all the stories translated (even if I do Not trust the translators)#but like even with bndori which I started and played on endori for well over a year I still ended up drifting to jpdori as my main#the massively expanded songlist and up to date events just seem impossible to give up to me if you know how to access them#like ofc I wont go yelling at ppl to play on jp servers (plus theyd make multilives Much more unbarable) idc that much lol#but still I think if you can its a good idea to make a jp account if only so you can play jp exclusive songs if you want#this applies to both sekai and bndori to be clear although Id forgive an endori player for wanting to savor the old ui while they can lol#sekais new ui is fine but bndori's is literally sooooo ugly such a massive downgrade#also while I dont hate the new art direction as much as some ppl I definitely think its worse than the old one by a lot#its so dusty now </3#anyways I got off topic there time to stop talking
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#the closest thing that seems to describe my relationship with dysphoria lately is chronic pain and i know its not 100%#but theres not a single second of the day that it doesn't cause me mental/emotional distress or like it's VERY rare#and i can almost feel it like a physical pain now#it feels so dramatic but like it's fucking. life threatening.#i run out of spoons so quickly#and im struggling to see the difference between a physical condition getting worse and smth like dysphoria which#when its bad or like even when its not that bad makes me want to kill myself#ive been talking about it for 6 months now was an actual issue that desperately needs medical treatment#but the fact that its woven in with mental illness and so enmeshed with depression and anxiety has made it almost impossible for me#dysphoria has essentially blocked me from everything i love and all my coping mechanisms that i usually use for my mental health#i cant spend time with ppl bc it makes me dysphoric i cant sing bc i can't listen to my voice i cant meet new ppl or do new things#any energy i was spending on catching up with old friends or friends i only saw irregularly is fkn gone#like its disappeared i can't fucking do it#which of course isolates me and makes my mental health worse#its just the compounding issues that make each other worse and the answer is to relieve my dysphoria#and then i can slowly start to rebuild as a person#but this whole fucking period has been so damaging to me#to be out for years and suddenly be so mentally ill that your brain challenges things it knows are true and starts saying#youre just a mentally ill woman every time you look in the mirror.#like thats a fucking horror movie#its isolation its doubting reality its exhaustion and normalised suicidality and kinda disordered eating and just. holding on#like i cant build anything new in this state im just treading water#idk i think i didnt realise what dysphoria was before. i think people downplay it to make trans people more palatable#or you only see people talk about it post transition#or you only hear ways to alleviate it#you dont really hear all the ways you just have to live with it. and you do. voice dysphoria is my biggest issue for sure#and i cannot get around it#so ive stopped one of my number one hobbies and sources of joy - music and singing. which was a big way id get around anxiety#because you have to breathe properly to sing#im running outta tags i just didnt wanna put this in a post but. yeah listen its rough out here buddy lmfao and it has been for. a while
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#personal#hot take we all know teenagerdom is a lived liminal experience right. im gonna come out and say it#newborn babies is the most liminal lived state followed by pregnancy#because during pregnancy from conception to birth (obviously assuming a wanted and saught after pregnancy) youre just. waiting for the thing#you can induce early or you can have csection or whatever but baby will come on babys time for the most part#so youre just waiting. while your body feeds this thing long enough to get borned. liminal here meaning primarily transitional#rather than empty or spooky.#and newborns? i already know im gonna get angry comments here like 'ooh my newborn totally has a personality ohh she loves it when i...'#shut it. im not calling children blank slates of nothingness please zoom out and get a little of my perspective here#cosmically speaking you are a newborn for like. 2ish months? three? even that feels like it would be a different state than 'newborn'#that term to me feels like it should encompass all of a month at max but whatever. newborns are.. born and theyre this ready made vessel#thats expected to become a person one day but at this stage its empty. it cant even hold its own head.#teenagers are teens for a whole deacde and arguably each 2-3 year period is transitional in a slightly different way than the last#but newborn babies are only that way for barely 3 months. then they become regular babies and in turn become toddlers and on and on#idk it just feels like maybe its not classified as a liminal stage because either we rarely remember anything that young or maybe because of#the parents im sure will come for me that insist their beloved child is more than just a human shaped thing with nothing yet inside#idk. im thinking about this because christmas is liminal. to me. and i think i thought about that because obviously the time between xmas#and newyear where the world seems to shut down. thats liminal too. but the events itself is to me. dont get me wrong i love it#but its the one day a year where a lot of people get to see their families and their childhood homes and and and#idk ive been having this lil rant to myself for an hour now almost i wanted to put some thoughts out. i fucking love liminality though#liminal#i hope i can do liminality justice in fictional text form. im going to to my best at it for sure
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Vent
Tw: SH and su!c!de
#:(#another day of feeling useless#my life is going by and all i do is rot :(#i just want God to posess me with an Angel so i can be done failing my family#im so broken i need to talk to someone but my dad n sister cant help me :(#im just so fucking lonely and i treat therpy like a drug fix like im in hives waiting for thursday#my sister is too cold and my dad just...cant not say the wrong thing#i think im gonna have to SH to avoid a meltdown :(#i dont like doing it chs i get so fuckin itchy#but i have 0 outlet#....well#my therapist told me to use sex as an outlet#but i really dont wanna do that right now#s-x is about loving yourself and rn i hate myself so badly#sh just lets me open up cus im literally physical breaking at the seams cus of how much i keep to myself#its just not right to unload my stuff onto friends or helpless family#especially since my shit has no answers or hopr#i mostly just wanna be held#the only reason im not attempting to end it all is cus i already know what a burden a failed attempt causes#i xant watch anything or do anything without zoning out minutes later.....#all i can do is spiral and sleep#im just so fucking sad i hate this life i wanna start over i keep failing evrryone around me#i wanna be posessed by an agel so my soul can rest but my body can now actually take care of evrryonr#i dunno what to do :(#my dad says the hospital isnt a good idea but im so fucking sad n tired n wanna die#it feels like no one actually takes me seriously cus ive never sucessfully tried or been to the hospital#feels like my family thinks im lazy depressed imstead of very deeply depressed#everytime my dad says “youre looking for an answer thats not you.” or “i guess i gotta fix things without you” I WANNA FUCKIN DIE#i wanna rip my whole skin off n jjst die....thats how he sees me..#..
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#tw animal death#one of my rats is sick and im not doing well about it#i think he has an upper respiratory infection and its bad#i made a vet appointment but if im being honest i dont think hes gonna make it that long#and thres no emergency vet for exotics near me#his breathing sounds painful and its so hard to listen to#and hes not eating or drinking. ive tried hand feeding and watering him. he just wont accept it#today i picked him up. and normally he fights being picked up. but today he just let it happen#he let me cuddle him for half an hour. normally when hes out of his cage he doesnt stop moving#he only sits in his hammock. and it's so hard to see him pass like this#im trying to give him the best time that i can. ive been trying to feed him his favorite snack (goldfish crackers) and let him out often#i love him so much and ive only had him for six months and thats just not enough#i got him from a friend and im dreading having to tell her that he died#hes my little baby. when i picked him up today i gave him kisses and just kept saying 'i love you. youre my baby' over and over#watching him die is killing me. ive cried every day since he got sick. even broke down at work because#i didnt want to be away from him that long. every day i come back from work or wake up and im afraid hes gone#its 5am and i dont want to sleep because checking on him every morning is terrifying#i love him so much and dont want to live without him (or my other little babies) but i can feel the day coming#i just hope he had a good few months with me and knows how much i love him#edit: i can hear all his breathing but then all of a sudden i cant hear him anymore. and its happened a couple of times#I'm scared that tonight's the night. and i want to hold him for the last little bit. but he doesnt like to be held#he likes his hammock. so if hes passing then i want him to be comfy. i just dont want to lose him#i keep checking on him every time i cant hear his breathing. im afraid hes gone. this is so fucking hard#its past 6am but i cant stand the thought of not being there if something happens. i just love him so much
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