#thats a post for another day tho im EVERYWHERE

[todayisafridaynight]

At which point did you realise that the plot of IW is ass? I've seen people complain only about the ending or the halfway point where the teams separate, while I was already actively rolling my eyes like four-five chapters in

i think the moment i fully accepted that IW's story was. Definitely A Story was the moment ebina announced 'bleach japan'. like i think leading up to that point i was thinking to myself 'oh i hope i see X happen' or being like 'i wonder where this is going' and that sort but the proverbial bucket of ice was definitely that moment

[platonicmoonwater00]

I see these everywhere. and i mean EVERYWHERE. and also i need motivation so lets go ig

10 notes- i'll drink on weekends too(i forget cos on weekends im just at home and not at school lugging around my frank green in my tote bag)

20 notes- i will(try to) pay attention in class

30 notes- i'll watch my whole watch later playlist on yt

50 notes- i'll actually do the techniques im learning in ✨therapy✨ to help with my anxiety and shitty social skills

75 notes- i'll take my iron tablets every day

100 notes- i'll start my assessments when i get them(i have one due tomorrow which i was gonna finish now but i'm doing this apparently)

125 notes- i'll ask my crush to hangout alone during spring holidays

150 notes- i'll try to go for a run or at least a walk every day

500 notes- i'll write another chapter of my fanfiction

1k notes- i will actually make an effort to get clean

2k notes- if i see someone pretty that i want to go out w in public i'll ask for their number cos holy fuck i need to put myself out there. even if we js end up being friends cos holy shit im lonely

3k notes- i will actually finished the dress i started making

4k notes- i will try to get over my crush cos its ✨never gonna happen✨(she so pretty and masc tho its gonna be hard)

5k notes- (this is so far up here cos idk how to do this so im gonnna need a lot of time to figure out how) im gonna try to demolish the rumour that im gay thats going around a bit.**

6k notes- i will finish all my crochet projects and not start any new ones until im done.

**context. i go to an all girls school and theres a lot of people so its not like everyone knows everyone, even in my year(theres approx. 174 in my year alone, and theres 6 year groups at my school cos high school is 7-12 where i live) but some people know me ig cos i know a few girl who are more notable, im in the top class and i recdntly started sitting with a group that the popular girls call furries.

(theyre a pretty big group and popular girls hate them cos one or two of them are trans - ftm, ftnb etc, no mtf cos my lovely/s catholic school wouldnt let trans girls in- several of them are gay, a few of them are emo, most of them are poc's and a few of them dont have english as their first language. overall they are seen as the "weird kids" in my year)

so this rumour apparently is going around that i like a girl in my class(i absolutely do but if you havent noticed my school is hella hoomophobic and i could very well get beat) which js isnt ideal and is gonna lead to a lot of issues, especially if a lot of people start believing it so if you guys have any advice pls lmk. and its not like i can js get a fake bf and show him off cos its a GIRLS SCHOOL. if i reconnect with a friend from primary school tho we could pretend to be dating and like make a post on social media. but then kids at his school would find out and hed either have to tell them its fake(which would eventually find its way back to my school, and when i say eventually i mean immediately) or he couldnt get a girlfriend so that probs wouldnt work.

i know it sounds like im making a mountain out of a molehill but ive got years to go here and i dont want to spend all my high school years getting bullied bc even if i went to a teacher about it or smthing id have to like analyse them first and try to figure out which ones are homophobic or not.

like learning about why "being gay is a sin"(pretend im saying that really mockingly) is literally in our curriculum.

holy shit that was longer than expected.

no pressure tags: @wishiwereheather13 @loserboyfriendrjl @fracturedsunsets @chasingthemoony @stars-and-leather @starsofleo

thats all im doing idk how you guys can stand js copy and pasting moots over and over i cant do this i did the first six that came up and that seems like enough 🤷‍♀️

begun doing

going to do

finished

[ultra-raging-ghost]

I reached post limit so im gonna write this and save it for midnight to post later 🥰

-10:30 EST

Richas made a reference/mentioned outliving forever and bad started screaming and sobbing for a solid 2 minutes and then started talking about how no no forevers probably fine cucuruchos probably taking care of him, richas asked if thats what bad tells himself to sleep at night, if he just lies to himself and bad said yes! if all else fails, simply lie to yourself and push your true feelings down to make it through this meaningless existence :D and richas said "so if we said the sky is pink at all times a day and just lie to ourselves its ok?" and bad said yes, we already lie to ourselves all the time we just need to think about how much lying we accept :3

richas thinks dappers colorblind

bad said his chats british 😭

time to read books!

-10:40 EST

bad is making fun of us for being sad because of angst(/lh/j) and sang a brief song about us being sad and mentioned "the sun is gone" just to torment us over forever being gone. He also went f5 said something like “if you think it’s sad now… anyway..... spoilers!!" implying it will get even sadder!! (terrified)

oh theres a letter for bbh and forever :((( this might be sad now that forevers. in his place. chats crying

-10:50 EST

Bad is screaming and crying because forever will never be able to read his letter, hes literally head in hands screaming and crying and hes letting the TTS read it out

one of the qsmp purgatory programmers wrote bad a letter saying he was supposed to die more and bad said hes a bug tester at heart and richas is bullying bad because of how many bugs he found and exploited LMAO bad said he'll fudging do it again

-11:00 EST

bad found ANOTHER wall bug to glitch thru, hes insane

-11:10 EST

someone said the word forever and bad is reduced to shambles on the floor, hes crying and whining forevers name in tears and agony and he made the dying "bleh" sound like 4 times

also bad mentioned that as soon as its confirmed to the characters like in-character that max is dead theyre having a funeral for him, like bad as the grim reaper knows but he hasnt told anyone, nobodys aware of him being gone, >>>>also he was ominous and said he needed to shoot max a message oorp and refused to elaborate. what the fuck was that about badboyhalo? <<<<<

-11:30 EST

Bad and richas and pomme wanna make an elevator death trap and then call foolish over to trap/murder him <3 chat is advocating for this idea. chat also wants to see the museum, bad said yes!!! Museum time!

before that, bad is being ominously silent again and is texting off screen. that max comment earlier + this makes me worried. MOVING ON THO BC HES SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO RICHAS AND POMME GOT HIM A PRESENT FOR HIS BDAY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICHAS!!!!! (in brazil time) The present is Honey cookies! because richas got covered in honey and used as bait while they were away LMAO

Bad was talking about the 1k snow golems prank and was wondering if the cleanup team would be upset or love that, and richas said "lets say im part of that tio" and bad is now saying richas will take 100% accountability for that and will clean all of it up by himself LMAOOOO richas placed down signs saying "NO TIO I NEVER SAID THAT!! I DIDNT" and bad read them out loud as "Yes tio i agree i did say that ill do it!"

oh god bads spamming richas signs everywhere this is gonna fucking lag everything LMAOOOO richas crashed and bad kept placing until he got bored and said "yessssss richas will get in so much trouble hahaha! messing with the server!!!! bad then said "Richas always comes back" in the FNAF voice, didnt need to know you were an even bigger nerd BBH but okay /aff

-11:40 EST

Pomme is dragging bbh around on a lasso and is trapping him somewhere <3333 theyre climbing up the big ben and bad is taking SO MUCH DAMAGE he has his auto eat on

he accidentally said the word "forever" again and started crying again, his chat is in shambles.

MUSEUM TIME!!!!!!

HELP THE FUCKING ADMINS INCLUDED A DRAWING OF BAD LITERALLY STUCK IN A PADDED ROOM BASED ON HIS TIME IN JAIL, RICHAS SAID "natural habitat"

>>>>>>bad's crying again, and being horny because of how "cute" forever looks in the fanart, but mostly crying<<<<<

pomme started bullying bad because he called forever cute LMAO

tinas on!!!!!

-11:50 EST

Bad's crying again over art of him and forever in the pool he made in forevers base, the admins want to hurt him specifically/j

"treasure the wholesome moments chat, for they are just dust in the wind" -BBH 2023

bad took his totems out of his offhand again :)

Bad's crying again over another image of him and forever!!

[fictionfixations]

LMAO ZEN (doesnt it happen for everyones routes though? i havent done like another story yet tho)

anyway before i get into talking about jumin (as the route im on rn) i wanted to wonder

yknow how certain things happen but only on someones route?

like zen has the echo girl thing, idk what yoosung has i forgor but i think jaehee had that one project??? that got her interested in like coffee stuff? jumin has the arranged marriage?? and seven has like. well. the hacker stuff.

but it never gets mentioned on someone elses route ? i dont think? i feel like itd be more cooler if it was all happening at once as like little references (but either something they can handle or cant handle outside of the route. just like maybe a vague mention of trouble to interest the player in that route, while still making sense from like a timeline standpoint???)

like. people doing things but its not because youre the one pushing it towards that. i like that more. and im curious how chaotic itd be

anyway

JUMIN. (disclaimer: I dont like him)

WARNING i start venting in this post. theres only one mention of a triggering thing (which is warned before the actual vent part but i dont want to put here to bring the mood down more cause in all honesty im over it. im just kind of projecting.)

i think ive said before how i can understand the liking of possessive partners

but. okay maybe its just that i dont like jumin as much as the others but. this is kinda way too much. or maybe its that i value my own independence a whole lot or maybe its because i really dont like the thing with his cat (and i LIKE cats. so giving me a character who likes cats and making me not like them??? ahgeiudhf)

like 'dont leave or ill go insane and make your face known everywhere so i can find you again' like the fuck no w h y CAN I LEAVE

I want to leave i dont care if i get the bad ending get me out of here 😭 (actually i think the bad ending mightve been if we encouraged being compared to like his cat and like. was willing to stay forever.)

e w NO like CHILL

maybe. im. being too extreme. and im just too on edge. but like. can you not. i am not your property?? i am not an object??

now LISTEN i understand marking. like like yknow biting and so and so as like a claim over your partner. and now that? thats hot and i like that. but thats ONLY for the bedroom there comes a point where too much of a thing is a bad thing

ALSO we've known each other how many days has it been. eight?? WE've known each other EIGHT days dont be horny bonk

g o o d . this is good.

STOP. dont talk like you know whats best for a person. like its some thing that'll happen, not a what if.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. now if he was being more weird id say go home but hes. OKAY. ish. now. like hes trying. and anyway getting him to not do it takes time. and also this is a game of romance fantasies where creepy shit gets played off as kinky or something. (not a jab towards mysme its just the kind of thing its trying to do which can result in uncomfortable parts if you take off your rose-tinted glasses of wOAH ROmANCE. its expected since ppl think certain things are hot when in reality its kind of very not that great)

…CAN I GO HOME???? like BRUH im not gonna accept you just cause you do so and so

why does this feel like a 'nice guy'. maybe this is my bad because this is making me really want to leave buth gdiuhfuih

trigger warning. i vent. mention of kermit sewer slide but nothing actual.

ive been pushing the 'stay here to help jumin feel more calm' but. i do also need to prioritize my own well being and my well being is not happy here rn 😭 (on a serious note though while its important to be there for your partner, its NOT a good thing to give everything to make sure your partners okay, because y'all are equals and as you help them stand they need to help you stand too or you'll collapse under all that and it really wont be a good time. im telling you its very draining. and why i promote the idea of get your shit together before you get with someone because there comes a point where you can be too dependent on your partner which isnt good for you or for them [and they can feel hesitant to express their feelings because they dont want to hurt you, or hesitant to do anything too stressful because theyre like that support pillar for them, and they dont want to do anything that causes otherwise because they dont want their partner to get hurt. it can also mean they go along with what the other wants even if they dont really want to because they dont want to hurt them. am i projecting? ithink im projecting. cause like. ive been there. and honestly i think it kind of fucked me up cause there was like a power imbalance in that one was significantly more fragile and vulnerable then the other, which made me feel like i should be going along with it because i didnt want them to be hurt when they didnt have anyone else they could rely on but me. [i tried to get them to make more friends cause relying on a single person is very unhealthy but no dice] but that also meant that they didnt respect my boundaries or respect me when i say no and instead just gave off excuses to make me change my mind or made me feel like i had to do what they wanted or theyd deliberately hurt themself. so.. it was a lot. anyway it really fucked me up cause i felt like i was in the wrong for not going along with it. blah blah blah. we split. i genuinely have no idea if it was true or not but they'd started saying things to make me feel bad and just not a fun time at all. they were probably in a really dark time in their life but im gonna be honest. i dont know in what scenario its okay to go 'im gonna kermit sewer slide if you dont [blah blah blah]'. so yknow. and this is not really the same but it still feels the same in walking all over boundaries and lines and is especially why i do not like this character a bit. yay trauma.])

i might actually get a bad ending because i. really dont like this.

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

iiiii love art sooooooooooo much and im soooooooo bad at it. i might one day . post. it here BECAUSE. ill lose it otherwise. yeah. ok wait, actually. i mean noyeah ill post it but. like Secretly so everyone ignores it. im like. an opposite artist. please do not reblog. if u must interact only like. pretend it doesnt exist. scroll past. do not follow me. forget my art exists. eyahhh. im gonna talk smmmm abt my ocs tho. There are two (2) of them but thats ok bc they r very special. to me. and also bc im too tired to design anyone new. ive tried. and like. failed. best ive done is ppl who got made up in my. wait. i was gonna say ppl made up in my dreams. but. i think there r recurring made up characters there too. bc i remember. from a few dreams there. wait ok. so like. i dont dream of People and moreso the Idea of people. and there were recurring features of these people. one feature that stays is someone slightly below average height. with like. hair that looks like the definition of layered hair. and its like. spiky hair but at the bottom of it only yknow like. idk. and their hair is reddish brown. and they r like.  Funny And Loud. that is one person. and another is someone. shorter than this person. with hair like the opposite of their hair. its like the definition of Curly hair. and its Pink that is veryyy certain thisperson has pink hair. and they r very small. anddd another person is veryyy tall. and has. either blonde or brown hair. and its. shortish. and. theyre like. ugh my music is distracting. but/. this person is very close 2 dream me. and. one of the other 2 (or maybe both) makes jokes abt me and This person being in a relationship in the same way ppl on a minecraft server have gay sex yknow. and this person is like. a think either a total dumbass or a total nerd. maybe both. id draw these people but nothing comes out right. theres also other ppl but one dream had only these 3 and another had these 3 and like 4 others. oh wait also. the person with reddish brown hair. has freckles Everywhere. or a lotttt of acne i dont remember. thats another thing i remember. or was it both those things. idk. they have skin with other things on the skin. id make some of these ppl in picrews but itll turn out the same with when i try draw them. i hate how they dont look exactly how they do in myhead and i gte pissed and sad

[randomcontentdude]

hello my gorgeous readers (my therapist), its almost 1am on a Monday and ive got to wake up tomorrow however ive had you abandoned over the weekend and I feel like I have so much to write from the weekend, this is a week full of stress and I just want to start it with a clean slate when it comes to events in my life. This was a long weekend since Friday was festive so I have extra info, this might take a few blogs hehe. I am currently listening to memories..do not open by the chainsmokers, which is probably something I would've listened back in my original posts back in 2020.

Thursday

This was a super long day, I went to therapy and got lost in my way there since I had to go to another clinic that's not the one I usually go to. I feel like it went quite well, it turns out my therapist actually reads my posts which is impressive since I wrote a lot here in the last few weeks, im not seeing her until after finals so ig our next session will be packed. It was a good sesh tho, I updated her on everything and her response was quite positive, we were able to also talk about my relationship with my body and food and ive got to say im on a very good stage of it, I will never be fully recovered but thats just how I was wired and she also brought attention to the fact thats its an agenda being pushed at us all the time so how can I move on if its everywhere?

Anyways, I went climbing that afternoon with my friends, Cheesy friend's ex fling turned into friend (we will call her fellow country girl since we both come from the same country) started coming with us. My fellow country girl is super nice to me, we have a lot of fun together and she advices me on whatever she cans, she is super cool and hardworking and I like her, monkey friend doesn't like her that much tho, I do. We were playing tough in the climbing gym and I accidentally hit her head with something(?), cheesy friend brought this to my attention and I felt super bad, all of the sudden I was a little kid again hurting his friends while playing, I apologised to FCG and said I wouldn't do it again, she answered to keep doing it, that she liked to play tough because she grew up with like 4 brothers or something, I was astonished but it lightened the mood for me. It was a quick climbing sesh because cheesy friend and I were down for a boys night.

I ran home and got ready, put on my fancy coat because it wasn't any boys night, it was coat boys night since Cheesy friend had just gotten a new coat too. After a very funny incident hopping onto metros, me telling him he was on the wrong way and then him having to run across the station, we finally made it to the same train, and off to boys night. Boys night is something super fun that started one evening where we went to see a speed climbing competition and started bar hopping and just had such a good time the two of us and now we just try to do it as often as possible, this is just our second one but it ought to keep going. We accidentally got into a gay bar which was super funny to me because Cheesy friend is a 183cm straight 31yo next to a 19yo gay twink, he doesn't mind tho, he's been through worse when it comes to gay clubs, and honestly, so have I. we just had like a blast, I did the "wait, they dont love you like I love you" dance in the middle of the street and a girl saw us which amused cheesy friend for the rest of the night. We found this very cool bar that I will deffo be going back to, I took some pictures for this post actually(the purple lights with the screens). I feel like he didn't want to go to the last bar but he gave in because I wanted to, I feel a bit sad about that but he had a good time too, we always do. We visited 5 bars, thats a new record. We went our separate ways, I bought myself a burger and watched an episode of the end of the fucking world on Netflix before going to bed. I always watch it on my birthday but I didn't this year, so I owe it a watch.

Friday

I woke up super confused, I have hyperrealistic dreams when I drink and today was one of those days, I woke up unsure of if I had cancelled my plans for the day and thinking I had texted GG blonde, wasn't the case. I was able to remember everything from last night and neither of those things were real so idk what happened there. I had plans with my virtual friend turned into real life friend (lets call him virtual friend even tho we live in the same city now). He's one of the few people I talked to during the pandemic, we met on a Taylor swift community on the internet like 7 years ago and now we live in the same city. We went to a museum and I put on a cute aesthetic outfit and he took some pictures of me (I'll add one here), we talked about life and boys and pop culture and life. He came with me to do some Christmas shopping and soft launched our friendship with my mom. He was a bit upset I hadn't told my mom about this little friendship we have had going on for the last years, I guess I was always scared of my mom taking my phone away from me and then of her getting upset about me lying or hiding things, his mom knows about me tho, so im considering telling my mom soon.

Saturday

At this point I should’ve been studying already, however, I didn’t. I read like 3 slides of the presentation I had to study and moved on, I can’t truly remember what I did during the day, I had lunch? And went climbing? No, I had a very heavy lunch, then I went climbing with my friends and we went to a café, I had an alfajor and then was sort of falling asleep. I also bought a can of Arizona tea on the way there which made me very happy. I went home and took a nap, and I wanted to keep napping but I had to get ready because my friends from uni wanted to go to the supermarket? And I don’t want them to think(or notice) they’re the other friends so I have to accept, we ended up going to my favourite supermarket tho so that was fun, I had to leave early tho because I had a dinner party with Monkey friend and company. It was a cute little dinner party for a Colombian holiday where you turn on candles for the death and for your wishes. This is one of my favourite things about living in my current city, everything is sparkling with different cultures and traditions and it’s just awesome. I manifested money, I wished for a “blondie” as I’ve been wishing for for the last few years but never seems to happen for me, and I also set a candle for my late father, it’s so weird because now that I’m the furthest from home I’m the closest to commemorating him and remembering him and who he was and what he liked.

Anyways, here’s the deal when I go out with them and by now when I go out in general: I don’t drink or if I do I drink very little. I haven’t made a recap yet but there’s many reasons why I shouldn’t be allowed near alcohol. So I just enjoyed the night and the cats and the pizza and the company and went my merry way just drinking a few plastic cups of wine by the end of the night and trying a bit of this traditional schnapps and that was it. Monkey friend was really excited about going out and making out with someone, whilst equestrian friend mission was to get super drunk and god she did. Since we were going out I gave little side quests to everyone and they gave me a bunch and that was gonna be fun to do.

Night was progressing and I decided to have a bit of the wine I had brought, I was a little disappointed cause it was a nicer wine and it wasn’t all that good honestly, I also tried a bit of said schnapps but that was it for me. I urged the need to leave since it was getting late and if we wanted to find somewhere cool it would’ve been impossible if we took any longer. Cheesy friend and I took the elevator with equestrian friend, this is when we notice she’s not precisely sober, however at this point we think she just needs a little walk and some water, so while we’re carrying her I get her some water in the hopes she starts to feel better. We hop onto the metro and reach our station, this is when she says she is indeed not feeling well and decides she wants to go home, of course we all go with her. We just had to change metro lines so we did that and, I’ve got to say, I’ve got a fair bit of drunk stories both of me and friends of mine, I’m an alcoholic empath if you may, so I could tell by the face of this woman she is going to throw up. As we reach the following station (mind you it is a 30 minute metro ride back home) she lets us know she’s going to be sick, for me this is obvious. I step back as she gets up and cheesy and monkey help her get out, it is as she’s stepping off the wagon she projectile vomits onto monkey friend, I can tell this woman is having a bad night. I stay in awe but not for too long since I know the metro is going to close the door and keep going. We all get off and equestrian friend starts puking in the corner, and she keeps puking. We were well passed the time the last metro had left the origin station, we were in luck this line is super long and slow so we had some spare time, the next one passes and we are not ready to get in. The next one passes, we stay, that was the last one. We’re stranded 40 minutes away from home. At this point we have to take the night bus, this was usually a 15 minute walk from where we were. A guard lets us know it’s time to leave the station since they were closing, and we go off to this main avenue, we are able to walk a block down when she finds some bushes and starts puking there, I go get her a sandwich because at this point she’s not even puking, she’s just spitting. She’s claiming she’s about to die. These girls pass in a car and scream at us “you’ve got this girl, we’ve all been there!”, this creepy dude asks us if we need anything cause he lived right there, my friends say he invited us in, for me he just asked if we needed anything he could provide for us. Mind you we spent around an hour in this situation. This is where I start spiralling, I’m thinking of gg blonde and what he was probably doing(sleeping tbf) and about how gorgeous he was (I feel stupid writing this now cause these feelings feel so distant now). So I was panicking while equestrian friend was throwing up and I decide it’s time for us to move on, she’s not progressing and it’s late and cold and we all want to get home. So we decide we will not take the night bus but an uber, however that it is a good idea to start walking in to direction to the bus and following its route since it’s basically all the way through another main avenue and we basically live on it so it’s our best chance to get her to sober up before putting her inside of a vehicle. As we’re walking im trying to feed her but she can’t swallow, I notice she’s about to run out of water so I rush to a subway I knew was on the area to get her some hydrating drinks, we go past some super posh clubs and all I can think of is how cool would’ve been to grow up rich in this city, it just would’ve been the coolest thing ever. Monkey asks me if I can get equestrian some electrolytes for the next morning, so when they hop onto the taxi I take the bus so I can get down at the 24h pharmacy near my place, pick up a something that cheesy can wear to sleep cause ofc he would be staying over at the girls’, and this is when I notice I have their keys, and monkey told me they only brought one set of keys tonight, so now I’m panicking because I am…

[girlsexbattle2]

Ep 2

warning: you know that post thats like 'have you watched a movie before?? things happen then things are revealed to you?' thats in response to me. everything in this post is why that other post exist

enclave guy is trying WAYYYYY to hard

also also call back to the first ep, what the fuck were those western accents? am i meant to believe that the way speech evolved was so it sound like bad improve?

the rubber duck in the bos.... fuck. thingamajig is cute. VERTABIRD yeah im a real fan B)

another brotherhood segment another day asking if the tv show wants to talk about race

god they are sooo allergic to nuisance

the power armour is sick tho

wtf is dogmeat salivating when holding a human hand what did they feed her (also dogmeats a girl feminism win)

most of the guns so far just look like the harpoon gun from farharbor. that may just be me being bad with guns tho

literally no one gives a shit about the radioactive ooze cans its funny. enclave guy just took a seat on one.

i dont like the religious brotherhood its to on the nose for me

okay so they arent just some tanks of radiation its the entrace to a Cave full of radioactive waste. with human bones everywhere. why did the enclave guy feel the need to warn lucy again?

too lazy to take photos (if its a real issue someone else would have) but wtf is wrong with the trees in the background? they look like they have the fish eye effevt to them and nothing else does.

ph yeah it was a yoai gui in the trailer i was really hoping deathclaw buts its just a matter of time. does this mean they are in Wyoming? how much are they gonna keep. like they SHOWED new vegas and the husks.

why the FUCK does it have human abs. and pecs.

he shot it in the head once and its down??? the fuck is he packing???

why is it being anti power armor? or just anti power? okay the undersuit to the tin can is a cool detail looks like an etsy costume tho.

wow totally allergic to nuisance

maximus was a child when the bos picked him up why hadnt he picked this up yet? was it cause he was at bos bible camp? none around?

Oasis???? (trees in the dust)

that tin can is in working condition????

you can see the power armor hui from f4 its cool

favorite character alert - he fucks chickens and uses the word rube

wait philly people are calling for a dogmeat, is the other dog a rosie?? (human brain dog body pre brain installation oc)

BOOOOOOOO THE BRAHMIN HAVE FUR BOOOOOOO BOOOOOO

my man is sitting in a rocking chair in the middle of a crowded street. whats his problem

also all the philly citizens have sick designs

'these items belong to vault tec. so it would be safe to assume you do business with criminals' 🤓☝️i love her 'im not judging!!'

YOU HAVE clean hair and ten fingers and qhite teeth mrs

mrs you also have skin. in the year (2100?) YOU have vault dwelling in your dna

BOOO SAME BRAHMIN SAME PROBLEM W H Y DOES IT HAVE FUR. WHERES MY ULSUR BABY???

another german shepherd?? O.O

nope its dogrose (her new name till they call her dog meat)

'ameritocracy where people pride themselves on doing the right thing'

people dont like 'the ghoul'

well HE has the bloddy mess perk

i like all the tire armour its cool

Why are they southern??? like has media lied to me or are these like misisipi georgian accents not western

okay the slug design is fun

welp dogroses dead

she was in all the trailers to i wanted to see her wreck shit.

Those little ass flames did NOT carry his ass from wyoming to california

he just got LAUNCHED

with NO broken ribs too!

lucy is getting the fucking hots while a man is bleeding out right next to her

is this a lesbian couple???? i swear that man had fem ass boobs.

team rocket blasting off again!! those rodeo skills werent just a prewar fad huh.

Dog rose lives????

Okay new question. Stimpacks?? I always assumed they were a wasteland thing. but lucy had one in the vault that look just as rattled. is there a factory for these shits still? or just a shit ton of them?

man dog has spit ill give her that

Whys dogmeatrose chill with the guy who shot her? surley that makes more sense then the drug in her dog brain.

it taste like banana. hes just fucking dead thats fun.

thats a clean ripper.

history will be made today as i watch the fallout show

1.) my friend admitted that they made the ulysses thing up.

dissapointment is on the rise

Counter point: 'the ghoul' doesnt look as clean shaven as he did in the trailer but he DID literally crawl out the grave so. and even then still wish he was a little worse to look similar to the established ghouls.

[pigstepmp3-moved]

holy hell, gamers, i finally reached one whole thousand followers! how bonkers is that! when i first made this blog in december 2018, i was just trying to start over in a new fandom. ive been active on tumblr for a looong time (since i was like 11, which is. not great, but we wont get into that). i cant remember quite why i decided to remake, but i never imagined getting a higher following than i did before, but i did! 1000 followers is bonkers, i’ve never had a thousand of anything! i seriously cant thank each and every one of you enough, whether you followed me for 911 or for mcyt or for whatever!

now, since ive reached this absolutely bonkers milestone, im feeling particularly sappy! so under the cut, i have some friends and mutuals tagged who are super great n who are always an absolute pleasure to see on my dash! <3 again, thank you all so much! (ps, if we’re mutuals and i didnt tag u in this, that doesnt mean i dont love and appreciate you!! i mostly am just picking people to tag based off how often i see them on my dash! i love all of u so much <3)

♡ 911 FRIENDS ♡

(aka the ogs, aka the fire fam)

♡ @lovelessmotel ♡ emily!! god, where do i even begin with how much i love and adore you!! i know youre one of my big sisters, but wow i am so proud of how much youve discovered yourself since we’ve met!! like wow, look at this epic, gorgeous person whos one of MY close friends! im so lucky to be friends with you! thank you so much for being my friend, i appreciate you and all the sisterly advice you’ve given me more than i can ever put into words!

♡ @eddiediaz-buckley ♡ sav!! mom!! i love u so unbelievably much!! i am so unbelievably grateful for you and everything youve done for me! all the advice youve given me and all the times youve let me vent to you have been so important to me and i cannot thank you enough for all that. im soso appreciative of you and im so glad that i have someone as amazing as you as my mom/big sister (we’ll never really figure out our fams family dynamics, will we?) (ps, whenever i go outside and have my keys with me, its always so comforting to feel the keychain you got me! its like my moms with me everywhere i go!)

♡ @liesoverthec ♡ bonbonbonbon!!! i love you so much, you wouldnt BELIEVE how much i love you!!! im so glad we met bc you are so unbelievably kind!! there is a very good reason a nickname for u is bonbon bc you are just as sweet as candy!! maybe even more so!! i love having you as one of my big sisters, you give such wonderful advice and talking to you always makes me feel a million times better!! i love you and i am soso glad i get to call you my friend!

♡ @marauder-girl ♡ sabsabsab!! i love u so much, u funky lil future lawyer!! im so proud of u and i can hardly believe ur gonna be my Lawyer big sister!!! thats so awesome!! i cant believe such a rad person is one of MY friends!! how lucky am i!! i love having you as one of my big sisters, youre so kind and funny and talented and your advice has always been so helpful to me too! thank you so much for being my friend and for always being there for me!!

♡ @nighting-gale17 ♡ cait, my love, my wifey!!! wowowow i love u so much!!! im so glad we’re friends, you are so unbelievably lovely!! youre also so unbelievably talented like??? hey queen wanna hand some of ur writing ability over to the unfortunate (like me). i’m so glad we’re friends, youre so sweet and even tho we dont talk as much as we used to, i still have SO much love for you in my heart

♡ @africaneuropean ♡ rae, my father!! i love u so much!! i know we havent talked at all in. who knows how long. but i still have so much love for u in my heart!! you are so iconic and cool and funny, im so glad i met you n became friends with you!! ur one of the coolest people i know, i hope i can be as cool and mysterious and wonderful as you one day

♡ @evaneddie ♡ DHYL!!! dhyl pickle i love u so much!!! whenever u pop into my inbox with random nice messages, every part of me lights up!!! u are so kind to me and for what!! i miss talking to u as much as we used to, you are so sweet and you are such a good friend!! i love u n im SO proud of how far youve come with gif making, i still remember when u first started n youve gotten SO amazing at gifs lately!! i love u soso much n im so glad we’re friends, youre so awesome!!!

♡ @basil-the-writer ♡ des!!! i love u so much!!! i know we’ve never rly talked all that much but im glad we have interacted in the ways that we have!! u are so sweet n so talented!! like the fact that u have the patience for those lil video edits u do?? that is so cool!! all ur edits are so cool, i cannot imagine being able to make stuff like that without dying every single time. u are so cool n i love being able to call u my friend!!

♡ GRIFF ♡

(aka griff)

♡ @yawnralphio ♡ u get ur own section bc u are my only 911 friend who isnt an og, but thats ok bc u are so swaggy!! i love being friends with u griff, u are so cool and funny and i am so glad that u still want to be friends with me despite all of the horrifying things u’ve learned about mcyt from me jdhfajkdhfa. i love u so much n i am so excited to get to know u more n get closer to u!!

♡ FRUITBLR ♡

(aka mcyt friends)

♡ @fear-epidemic ♡ atlas u are so swaggy and funny!! tumblr funny man!! im so glad we’re mutuals, i love u a whole lot. that one time u me n wilby played bed wars together was so fun even if we’re really bad! n that one time we played on the fruitblr server while on vc was so fun, i loved talking to u n playing with u so much, we gotta do that again sometime. i love u so much chapin n im so glad we’re friends!!

♡ @netheritedream ♡ hari my beloved... i love u so much. like literally so much that its really embarassing. i am so glad u tagged me in that one follow forever post n put the offer on the table to let me join the server. i love being ur dumb lil husband!!! jus like actual fundy, i would risk it all to watch treasure planet with u. i love u sososo much, i wish i could live closer to u so i could actually talk to u more often </333 im going through severe withdrawal, pray for me. im gonna stop talking for now bc if i kept going on, this post would be several miles along n nobody has time for that </3 just know that i love u so much and i love having matching icons n i love being ur husband, i love u so much

♡ @sootswilbur ♡ tommy... i care you so much. little bromther!!! im sososo glad we’re friends bc u are so kind to me all the time n u are so easy to talk to!! ur also so talented, ur writing n ur gifs are so amazing n im so proud of all the awesome stuff u make!! seeing u experiment more with ur gif sets n trying new things is so awesome n inspiring and i love seeing ur experiments work out!! i love u soso much n im so happy to be ur big brother!! (or one of them at least)

♡ @fruitbur ♡ virgil my Other beloved... i love u so much!! u are one of the kindest people ive ever met n im so glad i met u!! i know ive already told u this before but ur tagging system is so sweet n i love seeing u reblog my posts bc im like “yay alastair is gonna tell me that he loves me in the tags :D” i also lovelovelove ur theme, i love the soft pink and the lil aesthetic board that u have pinned, its so nice to look at!!! ily sososo much <333

♡ @theartofmining ♡ hey fruit ily. like genuinely, u are so unbelievably funny that u make my ribs hurt so much. i know we’re like never rly that serious but i love u so much. as much as i joke about hating u, i really am glad we’re friends n i really look forward to becoming better friends with u. i love u a whole lot rain, i love seeing u on my dash bc ur full of good takes n funny posts

♡ @sapnaplive ♡ dream.... bonks our foreheads together... i care u so much. my other half!!! i love u with my whole little heart. u are soso cool and im so lucky to be able to call u my friend!! ur themes are always so cool, i wish i could be half as cool as them!!! ur art is also so epic like??? u are a triple threat: good at art, tumblr themes, AND minecraft building. and ur also so kind!!! u are one of the sweetest people i know, i love u so much and im so glad im friends with u!!

♡ @dreams-little-kitten ♡ corn u are so weird and i mean that in the kindest way possible. u are so cryptic n i love that so much about u. ur like the wilbur to my philza sometimes and i think thats so awesome. that one time u came into my inbox to talk shit about that one cuphead boss was so funny and absurd, i loved that so much. i love You so much. i love how ur just so effortlessly funny, n im so glad i can be friends with u

♡ @dreamsmp ♡  JEL!!!! i love u so much holy cow. u are so sweet!! all the time!!! ur also so talented, ur gifs always look so good!!! i love being friends with u, ur always so nice to me n u always leave rly nice tags when u reblog my gif sets that make me so happy!!! i think about that one time u rbed my fundy gif set n said “FUNDY GIFS” and “GIFS BY FUNDY” it made me so happy!!! i love u a whole lot, im so glad we’re friends :)

♡ @leaguelol ♡ damien!! i love u so much u funky little cryptid!! i love when u pop into the gc just to share cryptic thoughts, u are so strange but i think thats so cool of u!!! i honestly see u kinda like a lil sibling, im always so proud of u when i see ur art on my dash!! u are so talented at art!! i love u so much n i love being ur friend, ur rly sweet n i love seeing u on my dash and in the gc!!

♡ @its5undy ♡ idk why im putting u on this, ur my mortal enemy. jkjk, i actually love u a lot clay! i love joking around with u, ur so funny and for what. im so glad u joined the gc bc i love talking to you so much!! i still love that one time u reblogged that fwt gif set n tagged me in it moments after I reblogged it. i love that u thought about me, that rly warms my heart! i love being friends with u sososo much

♡ @cavalreee ♡ oh hey, another great big fruit!! i dont think we talk all that often, which is a shame, bc ur so sweet!! and also so fucking funny, why is everyone in this friend group so fucking funny, its not fair. i love seeing u on my dash talking with ur other friends, u always have the funniest convos ever. also? ur desktop theme is SO epic, it threw me off the first time i saw it but its so swaggy, just like u!! i love u soso much azzie, n i hope we can talk more in the future bc ur so cool

♡ @technosoot ♡ i love u even tho ur a br*t /j /j /j. jannat u are so unbelievably sweet. im so glad u joined the gc bc u are such a kind presence both in there and on my dash! u radiate very Warm, Friend energy. ur friend shaped. i love u so much n i love being friends with u!! im very eager to become closer friends with u bc u seem like a really amazing friend to have

♡ @sortasortaspicy ♡ les where are u in the gc i miss u </3 i love u so much, u fit in so well from the very beginning n brought so much more fun and laughter into the gc. i dont know u all that well n i dont think we’ve talked one on one like. at all. but id love to get closer to u bc ur so rad and ur so sweet!!

♡ EPIC PEOPLE  ♡

(aka mutuals who are so cool n id love to be friends with u pls talk to me)

@eurytherm ♡ @vampkings ♡ @weelbur ♡ @wilburtheesoot ♡ @quackityskarl ♡ @wimblrscoot ♡ @technofarmer ♡ @wooteena ♡ @bloodforblood ♡ @smpsapnap ♡ @literallynotfound ♡ @hearty-an0n ♡ @enderanboo ♡ @springbonniecpu ♡ @pandascanpvp ♡ @tommylnnits ♡ @strawberrygogy ♡ @timedeo ♡ @nymika-arts ♡ @h-isforhome ♡ @eboykarl ♡ @joe-alkaysani ♡ @betwecouldmakesome ♡ @squirrelstone ♡ @maddieandchimney

[wlw-lovestruck-fiction]

This is the last ask ill send because im honestly tired of this whole thing

I dont know why you brought up the anon hate you got when that’s no part of the discussion. Even if it isnt your intention, you’re making yourself out of to be the victim when you arent. You say you want to get better but each time something gets pointed out you get on the defensive. I dont know why you decided to bring it up, but now that you have: Piama is indeed whitewashed on your drawing. “Warm lighting” doesnt change peoples undertones like that. Compare it to Piama’s last two cgs if you really don’t believe me.

Even if you aren’t affected, you need to be able to recognize it without poc having to tell you in order to be a good ally. I wouldn’t want a straight friend that lets people make homophobic comments about me in their presence and then hear them say “it doesn’t affect me so i couldnt tell it was homophobic so thats why i didnt defend you”. If you aren’t able to recognize it then you’ll inevitably repeat the same rhetoric. Racist rhetoric is everywhere and spewed every single day so you cant expect poc to be with you all the time and take you by the hand to tell you whats racist or not. Those are the reasons why you need to learn how to identify it by yourself, be listening to poc, by developing critical thinking skills, by not surrounding yourself with only white people. If not there’ll be more unchallenged asks such as one i saw recently that pinned poc that complained about yet another white route “stupid because they dont get that lovestruck releases routes by demand”. As if we have no concept of nuance.

No one is obliged to accept an apology, especially after what happened. I dont know where you got that idea from, especially when it concerns something that hurts people this deeply. And I didn’t point it out what happened just to be petty, I pointed it out because it isn’t an isolated event but a pattern of behavior of unchecked racist comments. That was simply the worst case: It was handled poorly, considering mod viv herself never apologized and again, swept it under the rug. The apology I saw from mod wrath was vague, didnt address the situation directly, was posted on this blog so no one knew what was going on, and was later deleted. So yeah she can apologize ten times and it still doesn’t mean we have to accept it. Especially if it’s that catastrophic because it looks like its more about saving face rather than feeling remorse, even if she did feel bad. You’re too eager to call it just “a mistake” and pin me as the unreasonable one.

And I want to ask you, have you truly seen with your own eyes an interaction where someone said to the other “if you like vinca you’re racist” and was completely serious?Or have you heard it from someone else saying that they were told that? Because considering that other anon watering down a woc’s criticism of lovestruck as “she doesnt like white people or this blog” then yeah i wouldn’t trust anything else coming from their mouths. People are getting too pressed over the millionth white woman in the app. Hell even if it happened, it’s probably what, one, two people? But you’re lumping all of us together as if its been a wave of saying that. The valid criticism surrounding Vinca is interconnected with Nahara’s release (one of the few dark-skinned women in the app) considering people kept saying they’d rather have a Vinca route when Nahara’s was announced. They’re not even willing to support it just because they want Vinca’s and that sends a message to voltage. So it simply doesnt boil down to “well its a difference in personalities”. Im gonna go as far as to say that if a woc had the same attitude as Vinca, people wouldnt be frothing at the mouth for her or they’d delve into the realm of fetishizing (as some people are bordering the line with Piama). But thats a whole other topic. And since people want to act stupid: all of the white characters in lovestruck are white because voltage made them that way. They could’ve quite easily made them a poc, but they rarely do. Think about what that means then, if youre really trying to defend yourself by saying “well they put out whats popular”

Lastly, you should really evaluate the content and beliefs you put out when racist people are still comfortable following and interacting with you. This is why i want this discussion to be public: your followers need to read this and apply it to themselves. Because considering the amount of anon hate you said you got yesterday towards the other blogger, theres a bunch of your followers who need to get off their phones and learn to care about other people and stop being racist assholes.

Believe me, I’m tired of it as well.

I brought up the anon hate because I didn’t want you to wonder why I was posting your asks in this form.

And no. Piama is not whitewashed. I took a dropper tool and took the color directly from her sprite, and if you’d looked at my blog, you would’ve seen that I sent screenshots as proof in response to that ask. But you obviously didn’t, so I’ll send them here again. (1. Without lighting. 2. With Lighting.)

If you still don’t believe me, you’re welcome to call me on Discord and I’ll share my screen and show you the entire process. And as an artist: You’d be fucking surprised what lighting does to colors.

Well, yes, I need to be able to recognize it indeed. The thing is: I can’t always. I try my best on this, and there will be moments and issues that will come up, mistakes I will make because I’m not perfect and not a machine. And in those moments, I’d love to have a friend that affectionately slaps me and says “JD, that was shit.” So I can apologize and notice it the next time. I have had multiple friends be transphobic to me in certain ways. I’ve informed them about it. They apologized and haven’t done it since. We’re still friends to this day. I do try to educate myself on racism and put in some work. I don’t expect POC to do all the work for me and explain to me how to be an ally correctly, and still - I hope they help me just as I help my cis friends with trans stuff. I can’t magically change all my behaviors and overcome internalized societal racism with the snap of a finger. If I could, I fucking would have already done it multiple times. The way it is, I’m working on it. Again - I’m sorry I didn’t point out the racist comment in the ask. I should’ve done that, and I’ll make sure to do it in the future.

You’re right no one is obliged to accept an apology. You’re right this hurts people deeply. And as I said - Mod Wrath apologized three times, including one on her personal blog which was a lot less vague. Mod Viv also apologized - to the person in question, in private. Just because you didn’t see it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And the thing is - if you refuse to accept her apology, that’s one thing and fully your right. And the thing is: If an apology is not going to make you forgive her, if ten are not, what do you need in order to forgive? Will you never forgive? Will you always argue it’s going to be an apology to save face when you don’t know the fact she does feel remorse? How will you see that she does?

I did hear the Vinca thing from a friend of mine. Whom I trust. Because seriously, why would you make things like that up? Who would even get the idea? I’m against the idea of believing my friends would lie to me for attention or whatever. And yeah, the criticism of that anon was unfitting - I’ve visited the blog they claimed was doing that and I found nothing of the sorts, so that comment was unfitting unless I missed something. I never intended to say that it’s all of you saying that. I intended to say that some people are handling the issue wrong. I’m sorry it came off that way. I do believe though that it’s people’s full right to say they’d have preferred Vinca over Nahara. I would’ve preferred Vinca. I still read Nahara tho. However, it’s not yours to dictate which routes other people have to support and which not. I will however agree with you that people should give Nahara a chance - it’s quite the sweet story. And I for my part would enjoy a POC Vinca just as much as a white one. (Also, side note, you’re making it appear as if everyone would either fetishize or rage over her, which is very much putting all of the “white” fanbase into the same bag, the same thing you critizised me for earlier. It’s understandable from a psychological point of view, tho, so I’m not gonna comment further.)

Yeah, Voltage makes the characters white, and that’s an issue people can only fix by demanding more POC in the ask posts and comments. Which many do, btw. They put out what is popular indeed, they put out what is demanded, and I fucking demand more POC. I want it. They could’ve made so many LIs POC and they haven’t and I’m fucking unhappy about it too! I’m not even trying to say anything else.

Yes, making this public to arouse thinking is a good policy. The followers need to read this indeed. And we didn’t get anon hate for the other blogger. We got anon hate towards us. Tons. Comments that went as far as telling mods to kill themselves. And while I agree with lots of the things you say - some of the ways you’re acting actively spark this type of hate. There is being loud about the issues you face, and then there is calling people racist assholes based on a comment they made instead of talking to them personally and telling them that’s not okay, giving them the chance to improve themselves instead of always having them stamped as a racist. Just because you’re the one who’s hurt, the one who’s morally correct, does not mean anything you say or do is good behavior. 

You told me I whitewashed Piama when you, with a minute of research, could’ve found proof I didn’t. You obviously wanted the internet to see, maybe hoped I’d get exposed? Could I get an apology for that? And I promise, I’ll accept it because I’m willing to believe you’re a good person.

Summary of everything:

You’re right with lots of things.

I behaved wrong and I’m sorry.

Lovestruck has an issue with racism that we need to change together. 

Together. Without toxic behavior from any side.

- Mod JD

[todayisafridaynight]

Crack AU where Majima and Daigo are princesses but Majima keeps flirting with dragons and running straight into dangerous situations while Daigo keeps getting kidnapped, was pushed into his duties and some high and mighty rich society guy keeps eyeballing him

it's a nightmare in this castle none of these bitches can get a break !!!!!

[grocerystoredean]

Hey bestie!! Yeah that was me the other day with the mangos, seriously I really shoulda looked it up or something cuz that was almost as bad as the time i accidentally used powdered sugar instead of flour. I hope whatever beings that look down at us like ants talk about me like posts about jensen ackles. Maybe i wanna be the pretty man with the fruity little boots! You ever been in onea those houses that look like hgtv? I Do Not Belong Here. Also i forgot my meds at home lmfaooo. Youve probably seen those oil pumps, the ones that look like birds pecking, yeah? (unrelated but onetime we found some frog eggs in the water tank of one and we took em home and raised em up into frogs!). And they have those out in the ocean, one exploded recently i think?? So we was watchin a video on em and apparently they build em close to each other and idk if the guys from one rig will boat to another to like play cards or something but i think it would be fun if they did. Also i think theyre kinda rad looking, like if they werent so bad for the enviroment and stuff i think ppl should just live on those. I guess itd be hard to make money there? Tho they can be fairly self sufficient too i think. But ok there was this scooby doo episode on onea these and velma was like gay for this mermaid?? Idk it was pretty much my fav one except ofc she turned out not actually being a mermaid which was lame cuz i think mermaids fuckin rock. Tho i think the idea of freshwater mermaids is much cooler. Like imagine getting pulled to ur death in a river not by the undertow but cuz u stepped too close to a mermaid hole. Fuckin awesome shit there. Ohh speaking of which I seen ur thing on japanesenatural, but like. Thats such a clever take on spn??? Everything i know about japanese ppl comes secondhand, friends, neighbors, social studies, etc. but i like reading about ur stuff on it. Every time someone takes spn and looks at it through a different lense, especially identity based, its always so good. Its about giving fictional characters ur lived experiences and processing things thru them ig. Also i saw yall was talking about poems earlier and while i dont know a lot of em i rlly like that one about the orange and idk if someone brought that one up already. “I love you im glad i exist” OK!!!!!! OK!!!!!!!!!!! I am feeling some things! Love how cas is very into bees like every time this bitch mentions insects im just!!!! Mmmm and i personally, being rhe person who has a ton of useless info on insects (not so much specifically bees but i know some. Mostly cuza castiel actually.) very much enjoy this. Yessssss lets talk about insects ily bestie!! I love being friends with other queer ppl…. Like omg same! I dont remember what i said to u last time also i feel like i just talked a lot so im gonna go before i start repeating myself also isnt it so frickin crazy its sunday??? And like the 4th of july. Here they only can have sponsored city approved firework shows so they already did those, but back home peoplell still be shootin off fireworks till next sunday lol. Im glad we arent doing anything this year. Learning from perspectives outside of the country has made patriotism taste much more rotten. How ru????????? I think its weird when ppl have cameras everywhere like in the house im in theres an ipad set up in the kitchen and u can see every angle of the outsidea the house. Some guy in my neighborhood has like floodlights and a buncha cameras all over their house that always comes on when im walkin the dogs at night and ik they got robbed a few times so /ig/ it makes sense but also theyre all really annoying and the dad is a cop and every person in my neighborhood who got robbed was a total asshole so like??? Is it rlly a crime if its funny?? Mbby if u stopped posting about qanon on facebook ppl would like u more smh. No but crime is bad ig. I wish ppl would garden with me cuz a lotta these people have nice manicured lawns (and seriously FUCK those. Biodiversity ftw babey!!) but dont rlly know how to garden which is different from me cuz i know how im just bad at it

DSFJJSDFJKL dba first off. powdered sugar instead of FLOUR????? also im so glad you like japanesenatural i think it's very fun as well! tasty treat just for me. as for the orange poem it's literally my favorite poem of all time i read it for the first time like sitting in class and fully tearing up it's so good. happy fourth of july to you too! i hope you have many people to talk insects with bestie. as for gardens i literally killed my little cactus i kept in a window sooooo. oops. i'll leave that to u guys.

[wennjunhui]

seventeen hospital au

im back at it again with another random seventeen post bc nurse!jun is ruining me :)))))

disclaimer: the most i know about hospitals and how they work is from chicago med so dont expect this to be accurate 

seungcheol

attending physician in the ed

kinda intimidating but is really a huge softie

but don’t make him angry bc that is not a good idea at all

always seen with a protein shake

tends to hover over the new med students a lot

partially because it’s important to evaluate them and their knowledge

but most because he thinks its funny when they freak out around him

always asks for a psych consult even when he knows its not necessary

bc its totally in the best interest in the patient and not because hes bored and wants to talk with his bff nahhh

has a long term girlfriend that works as a software developer

everyone in the ed tryna get him to propose bc ITS BEEN 9 YEARS DAMMIT WIFE HER ALREADY

jeonghan

psychiatry fellow

usually works night shifts because hes sleeps schedule is fucked 

functions on coffee and coffee alone

is constantly Tired

catch him napping in the break rooms whenever he has time

originally wanted to go into psychology, but he gets too invested and thought it would be better to maintain short term relationships

bffs with seungcheol, but bffls with joshua

by the off chance he’s not tried, he’ll go around the ed and tease the doctors and nurses

hes in the ed a lot tho bc someone keeps calling him even tho “he literally just sprained his ankle seungcheol why am i here”

joshua

plastics fellow

fucking loaded

pulls up to the ed in a fucking gold ferrari and just shrugs when people ask about

‘yeah i got it as a birthday gift, treat yourself ya know?’

born and raised in the us, but went to south korea to further his studies

bffls with jeonghan

by GOD the chance theyre in the same room, its game over for everyone

his surgery playlist is fucking wild 

did a heartbreaking ballad just finish playing? oh thats sad but move over its britney bitch 

always brings a guitar to work parties

‘if you sing sunday morning one more fucking time-’ proceeds to sing sunday morning ‘GODDAMMIT JOSHUA’

is seeing the cute hotel concierge that works a few blocks away 

junhui

the Hot Nurse

literally all the patients fucking swoon 

kinda makes patients nervous bc of how handsome he is

ok i’ll stop now

occasionally scrubs in as a surgical nurse for minghao

he pretends to be all cool and hot shit in front of patients, but when hes around staff he turns into a giant bright ball of excitable fluff 

will always be asked to be assigned to kid patients bc he loves kids

studied abroad in korea and decided he loved it there so he stayed

may or may not have a crush on someone in the hospital but shh no one knows except jeonghan and minghao

has no problem calculating correct dosages but cant do basic math for the life of him

‘no junhui, 7+8 does not equal 17′

soonyoung

senior resident in the ed

HYPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!111

works night shifts bc otherwise the ed would be dead without him

probably drinks too much redbull for his own health

his favorite treatment room is treatment room five because “that’s where a patient peed on me on my first day here”

“ok soonyoung good to kno”

“no problem”

not very tech savvy 

always manages to fuck up the tablets somehow every shift

for the love of GOD dont let him near an xray machine

also never assign him and seungkwan on the same patient they will accomplish nothing 

has taken chan under his wing

wonwoo

neurology resident

blind as fuck

harry potter glasses for days

looks really cold on the outside but is really just a huge fucking dork

like actually he laughs and jokes about anything and everything

neurology can be dark sometimes yo and humor is a great way to cope with it

that and gaming

half the reason why he cant see is bc he spent too much time playing video games growing up

still kinda does but he gets away with it

accompanies soonyoung on the night shift bc he knows soonyoung gets lonely sometimes

plays ballads in the surgery rooms because it helps him keep calm

jihoon

pathology resident

‘forget working with humans hAVE YOU SEEN THIS BLOOD CULTURE ITS COOL AS FUCK’

that being said, he hangs around the break rooms a lot because being cooped up in pathology is just tiring sometimes and he needs actual people to talk to

but mostly its so he can draw on jeonghans sleeping face

shares a flat with soonyoung bc rent is expensive yo

usually has the best tunes down in pathology 

originally wanted to go into music, but school kinda killed his enjoyment of it for a long time

is slowly getting back into and finding his joy in it again

he knows too many stories about the ed that hes forced to listen to

“for the last fucking time soonyoung i dont care about how your patient threw up on seungkwan”

“okokok but`”

“no”

seokmin

ed resident wanting to specialize in pediatrics

SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS AND SMILES EVERYWHERE

wow literally everyone in the ed is in love with him a teeny tiny bit

because he has such a bright and positive aura around him that its hard not to feel happy 

sings to the smol children if they get scared 

everyone always asks him to sing at work parties and he kills it every time despite being initially shy

“wait wait wait you were in a rock band in high school???”

has a crush on the ed secretary out front

its so fucking cute the rest of the ed ships them so much

sometimes he doubts himself and his skills and that makes his day very sad

but everyone in the ed is in love with him and will constantly be there to remind seokmin about how amazing his is and how much he deserves to be here

and thatll make his day better c:

mingyu

ed resident

the Hot Doctor

wow everyone has a crush on him even if you dont you do

pray for the patients that get assigned to both mingyu and jun your in for a visual attack

tho the facade for mingyu usually breaks after a minute of meeting him

clumsy af yo

once knocked over the patients entire tray of food because his limbs were longer than he remembered

sometimes forgets to put on hand sanitizer and seungcheol always yells at him about

from the other side of the ed “MINGYU, HANDS”

“THANKS HYUNG”

always brings his own lunch bc hospital foods shit and he makes better food at home 

sometimes brings in cookies for the staff in the break room

theyre usually gone within an hour

minghao

trauma and emergency medicine fellow

TALENTED

was personally scouted by hospital officials in china

really young to be such an expert in his field

also his hands are really sensitive to abnormalities in the human body so he feels out the situation and catches the situation really early

is kinda intimidating because of his rbf and takes no shit approach

but is really super soft and fluffy once not in a work environment

relied on jun a lot in terms of adjustment here in korea, and he’s probably closest to him in the ed 

has jun scrub in with him for surgeries sometimes

objectively has the best surgery playlists

from pink floyd, to an obscure japanese indie rock

bickers with mingyu a lot of proper treatment of patients

usually theyre both right tho they just cant communicate effectively

is secretly seeing another chinese surgeon from plastics, but they hide it really well except from jun ofc

seungkwan

nurse

a really loud and mouthy one at that

nags everyone in the ed a lot despite not being the charge nurse

tho hes getting there and everyone knows it 

despite that, hes really sweet and caring towards patients 

is also really weak for kids, but he cant ever be assigned to them because he’ll freak out if something happens to them

always earns high marks on nurse feedback forms because he does his job AND is entertaining 

even tho he nags everyone else, sometimes hes too selfless and forgets to take care of himself

“did you forget your lunch? aiii how could you do that? here take mine”

“seungkwan you need to eat to”

“i said take it, now eat and make your mom proud”

cries and often laments how much he loves his staff when hes had a little too much to drink at work parties

hansol

a new nurse

really chill, vibin through life

is really a much appreciated presence to have around the ed, especially when things can become hectic really quickly

often acts as a translator between english and korean 

will laugh at pretty much anything (which wonwoo appreciates alot because at least someone likes his jokes)

one thing that always gets his blood boiling is the blatant ignorance some patients have

like the offhanded racism against him or his coworkers, or comments about lgbtq+ people 

and there have been times when he hasnt been able to control how he responds because wow he Dislikes ignorant people

so whenever he gets a patient like that, he often asks to switch with another nurse because “if i have to listen to karen say something racist about jun or minghao again im gonna lose my fucking mind”

med students usually hang around him bc of how approachable he is

shower thoughts

“do you ever wonder this would taste like”

“hansol dont-”

chan

med student in his final year

is really eager to learn and get started on things!

ed is his first choice for match day

soonyoung has taken him under his wing so he mainly just shadows him

and its always a fun and great time chan has learned so much from him 

the entire ed staff has adopted him and will riot if he doesnt get accepted on match day

“chan, whos baby are you?”

“for the last time hyung IM TWENTY SEVEN”

if hes not shadowing soonyoung, hes probably studying in the break rooms with hansol throwing popcorn at him

“hyung stop im tryna study”

“ok but catch this in your mouth first”

still has a lot to learn, but hes out there conquering the world of medicine yall better watch out

[heleneplays]

Pizza Time!

Firstly, tumblr was an ass @jadeowl19 so the whole ass fic i made underneath for us is G O N E

secondly-- to answer again,,,,, this ask is giving me nourishment and life, u dk how MUCH it means to me bc I rushed to my laptop and finished our mc hangout doodle bc of this

thirdly-- Positivity??? I don't know her 😎 jk jk i wish we could meet again but rn depression and anxiety is kicking my ass bc 6 day classes AND dorming in another city is so hard i miss a lot of things.... still, i'll come fight tho ✊😔

fourth,,, gonna place a cut bc im gonna try and rewrite that long post back

[[MORE]]

J.Core and (Jacob) El Adler own a pizzeria together.

J.Core is best chef and El is best boy server

Helene is a regular bc food is cheap, is near, and is very, VERY good

also bc she hasn't seen El for years, atleast now she knows where tf he went to

Helene is also a student in the local university

In the middle of the year she keeps bumping to this girl

@jadeowl19 Salatirwell C.

She's skeptic and kinda annoyed at herself bc why??? was she bumping to her EVERYwhere????

like classes. then the libary, the gym, on the way home--

EVERYWHERE

its_fate_bitch.jpg

they have a weird "hey I keep seeing u around, nice, bye!" kind of relationship

UNTIL THE WORLD LIT PROF MCG ASSIGNS THEM AS PARTNERS FOR THE FINALS

owo_ohcrap_sweatdrop.jpg

they're like,,,, "based on previous meetings... you seem to be a decent person. Okay, I'll work with you."

They're usually free Wednesday and Friday Afternoons, so they work on their project during that time

Helene insists they do work-afternoons that include food

its_the_filipina_in_her_jumping_out.jpg

FOOD

sustenance

she (Helene) needs it

and sleep too

so Sal proposes her favorite Bakery/Coffee shop

They order in a panful of Pumpkin pie (Sal), Red Velvet cupcakes (Helene) and a buttload of Coffee (like 3 pots between the two of them)

Helene cuts back on being a regular on CorEl's Pizza bc of that and usually swings by for dinner on weekends instead

"Hey look, our favorite regular is back!" -El to J.Core

"She's your sister, you don't count." -J.Core yo El

"Meanie."

so a new tradition is born

Four months, a breakdown, and finishing touches to the paper later, Helene becomes unavailable for their usual afternoon sessions.

Sal's sad but she ain't admitting that

Sal proposes working on different ends

Helene's all like: "Nah,,, let's just do working dinners instead"

Sal declines a few times bc owo,,, dinner????

Is_this_a_date.jpg

anyways she hits a roadblock in the last of their research so she calls for that dinner meeting

Helene beams and immediately drags her to CorEl's after the last of her afternoon classes are done (6:30 pm)

Sal's first impression of the place:

it's... homey? I don't know.

she dont know its her brother in the kitchen

Meanwhile Helene's vibrating in her seat for her damn pizzas

PIZZAAAA

Sal's a lil hesitant bc owo

but first bite...

It's like she found the answer to a millenium prize problem

They finish in small time, and get to work immediately

and El kept bringing out more pizzas and drinks for the two to snack on

by the time they finished the paper, as in really finished, it was almost closing time

OwO_we_are_sorry.jpg

Both girls are stuffed and get ready to leave

Helene is so stuffed and so happy

Sal's just... blown with the taste

"Delicious as Always, El!"

"Yeah, send my compliments to the chef."

El takes this literally,,,,, and continues the trend

J.Core now has to deal with the usual business problems AND El being a wonderful idiot

meanwhile Sal also becomes a regular

but not as regular as Helene

SHE STILL DONT KNOW J.CORE WAS THE CHEF

they meet a few more times, sometimes even at weekend mornings

(thats why helene is wearing the sunflower sunhat here)

they present & get full marks for the project, and get back for a celebration dinner

El pulls out all stops bc owo,,, good for you both!!!

and then when they finish their food J.Core goes out...

only to see his sister being the one to enjoy much of his latest pizzas

drama.mpeg

---

OKAY!!! IF YOU'RE READING THIS YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AND I APPRECIATE U GOING DEEP TO THIS RAMBLINGS-- YOU'RE A STAR!!!

to @jadeowl19 thank you again bb and i hope this brings a smile to your face bc owo ily!!!! thank u for being the sweetest and i dont deserve u 😭😭💖💖

---

for more stuff like this check out the #modern au ot #mc hangout blowout tag 💖💖💖

[t-underneaththeradardancing]

ware 2 start - at the beginning - i gess that b light - no word was - anyway bae not that far back maybe  

its not even late - yet - but fuck the day is long  - and wat the fuck is wrong w boring i ask u for a change 

this is - tho not apparent - speeking of parents - some ppl should never have children or even b allowed to b around them  - this is a watchamacallit to quote liam - a post mortem of my performance - yah 

ok i know - i start w crying onna bus on the way to madrone - im tawking streaming down my face and snot coming out no tissue   - im ok lest a bit a little maudlin since the heart attack - lets chalk it up to but theres always more to the story - wait isnt the picture that meets the i and i  - therz a rasta but that is another story 

a chill eve - im wishing someone would come perform w me - its more fun - tho there is a satisfaction to sitting down alone with an instrument and voice - didnt bring efx  - pouring heart and soul out of voice and fingers - prob the vocal performance of my life - on mic mostly and for t belting it out  and - oh yah the bus - so i “wrote “ a song - just using standard blues form and a handful of words - and fuck yah i play it - specially cuz the 3 performers in front of me had every gadget known - loopers efx drum beats - looped handclaps even - i awmost add ffs but ppl duz the best they can - maybe im jealous cuz tech hate me  - plug straight in pa my guitar  - nothing hiding the sound or mistakes - the begiining - tho envision fast - i decide to bring it on down for a minute imma john lee hooker low chill dirty blues - i even get distortion idk how but sometimes blondie my guitar is magic 

yah vita didnt make it - nbd except and thats another story and not mine to tell - fam sux sometime tho 

played hurts to liv cuz theres no guitar ego innit - i actually have solos worked out for when theres 2 guitars or at least another instrument  - finished w crash and burn cuz havent played it in long time  - missed a few chords - 1 at a time - actually i kept omitting 1 - played seamless thru the mistakes mostly i think - and sloppy vicious grunge not quite solos but noisy walls for sure  

newsflash - photo of 2 smiling teens appraised at 1 million words  and priceless 

it wuz john lennon primal during janov   - im empathing pain from everywhere lately  - thank gawdess’s green and other and grace from so many 

during parts of days - i feel it - grace good wishes hope strength and yah love  - lots of it from tumblr  theres more ppl on tumblr who really know me than in 3d but that number keeps growing  - i send same in every birdsong daily and more often 

its a different magic - completely solo  - cuz 1 exponentialed to infinity is always 1  - exponentialed should b a wurd btw imo 

i could hear the ppl tawking while i wuz playing - during the quiet parts - it didnt bother me might even have inspired just a bit - and we all do it and dont mean - a word exchanged - a hi turns into conversation - sometimes about how much we like a performer  - i dont take it personal 2 much anymore well maybe for a moment  

fuck its late now how the fuck that happen - late dinner endless laundry - i got to get at least fuck all done on the occasion  - thot i b in bed by 1 but u know wat they say about shit 

no imma not gonna end a poem w shit  

a fuck maybe lol u know i mean fuck yah 

no not that kind but that b ok i gess if i wuznt so tired - and the unpoet asleep and exhausted 

too fukken much tmi t ffs 

lets seee 

oh 

theres a kitty  ( again thank gawd in all her their watever manifestations at best poorly understood and yah maybe a delusion but tbh i dont have that much problem w delusions that are filled w love which the same say delusion as well if not a psychosis - or is that only romantic love  - fuck t it too late for religious speculation about  - well 

anything

t - the kitty 

ty 

she is a good one 

always 

love 

[kenazraventooth]

Oops... guess who has played n loved smile for me...? Yuup!

So i put my sona as flower kid! But I do have an idea for the being a habitician.. and ill be posting the as being at the habitat

Warning spoilers ahead! Im on mobil so the whole "keep reading" doesnt show up on the app. Which is dumb.

Kenaz (yay blatant self insert) 1st shows up after Trencil's 1st quest after the flowers are but in and can be seen sitting by him just a bit beyond the dusk flower. Kenaz just like the silent compainionship and flowers.

When talked to they are happy that flower kid has put the flowers in the courtyard, it makes it look nicer. Then asks if you can keep an eye out for something.

If no: "O-oh ok... I didn't mean to be a burden."

If yes: The player would be asked if they find an inhaler that it is theirs. They have looked everywhere for it and are getting nervous about not being able to breath if the PSA's get any spookier.

Player will then get asked "Youre probably woundering why I dont get a spare huh?"

If no: "Oh cool! It's a bit embrassing to explain anyhow."

If yes: "I only need it if I have to do a lot of running or if I get very scared... Luckly I dont have to run form much in here.. haha." Suggesting that they are running more form emtional issues rather then actual threats in the outside world

Fun fact about me: I thought the asthma kid having an attack when being very scared was just a joke rather then an actual thing until I meet my coworker who semi accidently scared me into an attack one day! (He ment to scare the hell out of me yes. He did not mean to give me an asthma attack tho.)

The inhaler is found between the two carla's stands in Ronbo's carnival. Its easy to find and pick up.

Kenaz is over joyed when you give back their inhaler, but when asked where you found it and motioning to the carnival Kenaz gets a bit sheepish and mentions that they must of dropped it when they got spooked by the game attendent carla while checking out the foritune teller stand. (And yes that carla always spooks me because I will forget they are there. Be looking for something only to be scared when they flail their arms >((( )

After giving back the inhaler Kenaz will give you a sunflower seed that has a blushing smile on it as a thank you. [Note this will not bring Kenaz to full joy]

Planting the sunflower seed will show a cute happy sunflower.

Bringing back the Sunflower will bring them to full joy as you actually took the time to grow it and give it to them... they will give you another seed incase you find joy in seeing the flower when you go to bed and wake up... just dont tell Dr. Habit that they are doing something to help cheer fokes up aswell. This is to suggest that, like flower kid, Kenaz likes to bring joy to the people around them but after Dr. Habit's passive agressive to out right mean comments they are to scared to do so.

If you thought it was the end... hehe your worng ;)

If (or should I say when) you punch Kenaz for Tim tams quest they will give you a stunded look and if they were full joy before the blue sparks will vanish. They will give "...." as the dailogue for the rest of that day. They next they will vanish.

Kenaz will appere in the lougue the next table over form tiff back in the simlar position when 1st meet and with a drink. Talking to them "Wh..what do you want?! Havnt you hurt me enough?! I thought you were my friend!"

If no: Kenaz's unicorn horn will light up with magic while Kenaz looks hateful "Magic can do a lot of things... but I dont think you want to find out what it will do to you." If you talk to them again you will be teleported in the acid pool in the boiler room. If you go back to try to talk to them again you will get "No! I dont want to talk to you again!" And you will be sent to the boiler room again. You wont beable to talk to kenaz again til the next day.

If yes: Kenaz will go silent for a moment and ask if your here to apologize.

If no: Kenaz will simply ask you to leave then.

If yes: Kenaz will ask why you punched them. When showed Tim Tam's photo Kenaz will say "Oh. I see. You really out to cheer everyone up huh... I never did understand why hurting others in any way makes people happy." There will be a silence and the blue sparks will come back "Thank you... I'll be down here for a bit, but I promise it wont be for to long.... I rather not be like the ["two" if Parsley is down there. "Her" if its just jerafina]

Kenaz will be back in the loungue again the next day. Happy as before.

Kenaz will actually appere after your conforntation with Dr. Habit.

Bad ending: Kenaz will be by the gates looking towards martha. They stop you for a moment giving you that sollum face just like Dr Habit had "He didnt deserve that." Its all that kenaz will say.

Good ending: Kenaz will be with Kamal. "He cant be to far gone! I cant... I wont believe it! Please... help me just make one more creature happy..." this is clearly driected at kamal. (I just thought it would of been nice for him to be hesitating weather or not he could... try again with dr. habit. Leaving it vague for a friendship or a relationship and having flower kid giving that things can be worked out and bounds can be mended but you wont know unless you tried)

Fun facts!

When using the microphone on Trencil so Trevor can hear the vampire admission Kenaz's sprite will switch to a silent laughing pose for a bit. If spoken to "Poor Trencil... Dont worry ill make sure he wont get swamped by tge soon adoring fans."

Kenaz's sprite will switch to a spook pose when ever Marv apperes form his pond... keep making Marv appere will make Kenaz move over by Dallas for a day. When spoken to kenaz mentions they cant take being spooked for a bit and thought they dont care for the "photo girl"s babbling they dont mind painting stuff with dallas for the day.

Kenaz's collage image is a bush (and yes i mean bush) of static with sunflowers on it.

Photos!

Dallas: "Nice guy! He's fun to doodle with form time to time"

Jerafina: "I would like her more if she drank less."

Kamal: "I think hes as sweet ask his cramal teeth!<3"

Lulia: "I cant stand her. So self centered."

Millie, Tim Tam, Putunia: "Brat *hiss*"

????????: "I.... Uh... I....oh! You shouldnt just uh... going around showing people this... the photo girl wouldnt like it.."

Nat: "I wish she would come down and hang out with her father and I more... She seems nice"

Randy: "I hope he was able to get a new jar of pickles. I beat his last one open on him but Dr.Habit made him shower and change cloths.... What? I wasnt sure how else to open it and cover him with pickle juice!" (And yes I didn't know there was another way while playing the game until I looked on the wiki... sorry Randy :( )

Tiff: "...................I miss her lovly voice and she has such a lovly face... I could... I... Wh-Wha-What?! St-Stop loo-looking at me li-lik-like that!"

Trencil: "The most chill floating cape you will ever see :)"

Trevor: "For a kid that says hes a werewolf he doesnt smell much of a dog *chuckles*"

Paintings:

Super hero: "Hm... I always wounder if they are really the good guys..."

Werewolf: HISSSSSSSS

Floral: "Thats lovly... but not my kind of flowers. Fits you wounderfully tho!"

Habits 1st dairy page: Kenaz will look stunned and then sad (wont loose blue sparks) "I thought I had gotten rid of this... I wasnt sure if Dr. Habit would really want people to know this when I found it. Listen flower kid. I dont think hes as scary when hes in his right mind... But its clear that hes not there right now. If you have to fight him... please only use as much as nessary. Kindness goes far more then violence ever will... by the way... have you seen the art gallery? Makes you wounder why some people are ever allowed to have parents huh." Kenaz will continue to look sad if you talk to them again they will go on "Nothing messes with kids more then psyical or metal abuse... huh flower kid?" This isnt a nood or shake question just something to ponder on.

Ah... I didnt mean for this to be so long but i simply love this game and love dr. habit. I wasnt sure what to make of him until i actually meet him in game. I think him with a little smile and his hair tied up is just so adorable and my heart goes out to him, and any other adult thats had neglectful and abusive parents. Making friends is hard espically when no one ever shows you how to make ones who are truly... dear true friends.

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

��so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering