#its nothing new to cry about
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This will always be a better option than arguing with people and attempting to control them. It's not great, but at least I can control myself by just leaving
#personal#now. I mean NOTHING to no one 🩷 I felt like this before anyway so#its nothing new to cry about#i always mean nothing to anyone and everyone else always just moves on as if I'm nothing regardless 💗#maybe I should just delete this blog too#I wish i could just do what 16 year old me did and constantly ask do you like them more than me#why do you need this many friends why do you need to constantly be around people#why do you do this then complain about it later and then talk super awesome of it even though you complain about it#why did you say this when it wasn't true#I wish I could say that your reminder that you can love more than one person just made me feel EVEN more#unloved somehow . like i thought you didnt EVEN love now all you do is talk to everyone always#you were the one with a bad outlook on life when we met. now youre super fucking happy because you just get to be around people all the tim#well good for you I guess. I'm not happy but im happy for you. I'll just be bitter forever in my own corner.#no amount of communication will ever fix how awful I fucking feel. and I feel like absolute shit either fucking way#and nothing can help. nothing will help. nothing. literally not one word is reassuring to me despite knowing they mean well#i trust none of it. especially because everyone in my life says one thing and then means or does another#this is probably the best solution for everyone atp
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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Ever think about Date’s view on family and how that relates to his character? When Mizuki asks him to define family, he just awkwardly offers that its like being blood related to someone. It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth and Mizukis, but like, he literally had no idea what a real family looks like. He’s an orphan, a man who grew up with no family and no name, but he doesn’t know that yet. He has no memory of his past, no way of knowing if there’s someone out there waiting for him to come home, if he even had a place to call home. His only frame of reference for a family is Mizuki and her parents. Deep down he knows it’s not right, not loving, but it fits the mold of a nuclear family, man and woman, blood related, so that must be what family is. When he’s asked to take in Mizuki, he’s absolutely clueless because he literally has zero frame of reference for how a child is supposed to be cared for. He puts distance between them because this isn’t his place, he doesn’t have the right to love this child as his own because he isn’t the real dad. There’s no place for someone like him in a family. And it’s baffling to him to hear that Mizuki not only loves him, she needs him because he is her family. Date believes he’s a nobody, just a sad, lonely man with no name who absolutely does not deserve this kind of love. But he has it anyway because he chooses it, he makes something that neither he nor Mizuki have ever had before. HES HOME
#aitsf#ai the somnium files#kaname date#mizuki date#just crying about the date family for the millionth time nothing new#also i just had this realization that like date literally had absolutely ZERO clue what he was doing#cuz its not like he remembers his own childhood so he cant use that as a frame of reference for how to treat his own child#and yet despite this he does a much better job than renju and shoko ever did just because he like. actually loves mizuki lol#honestly kinda fucking insane that date was asked to take care of her instead of hitomi#like renju has a choice between his long term friend who hes really close with and who he knows has lots of experience in childcare#versus his silly friend who lives in the smallest apartment with tons of debt and has literally never seen a baby before#then again thats probably why he didnt choose hitomi cuz he probably wanted to keep mizuki separate from the family he actually cares about#also for meme purposes its just like date is like wow renju youre literally the worst dad ever#and renju is like well okay hotshot if you think its so easy then how about you raise my daughter asshole#and date is like okie and does a significantly better job at it#i love kaname date so fucking much you guys will never understand what we have 😩
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tried 2 fix my tablet and i ended up breaking it more
#i just want to draw#its the only thing i have and now i have nothing#i cant get a new one theyre too expensive#everyday is already just endless fights about money between my mom and sister#we went on a drive 4 my mom to go get her cigarettes like 2 hours away and the entire time it was just fighting#drives used 2 be my favourite thing#but it was just stressful#i just wanted 2 come home and cry#and she just kept throwing random jabs out to me about how i need to exercise more and fix my life#like im not trying#like every day i am not desperately just trying to survive and get better
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the only people with money around here to buy a freaking cybertruck are farmers which is embarrassing bc that is certainly not a farmer truck. the big spotless lifted white brand new Fords were bad enough. for my non Central California friends, you have to understand that the farmers around here are rich business men who exploit undocumented people to do all their work. they have massive (Republican) political power too. we hate farmers here LOL there's a difference between Farmers and farm workers
#i see pro-farmer posts on here about how its like the last true noble profession#and its like.....maybe in other states#its very much industrialized and full of exploitation here in California#like most businesses are its nothing new#but its extra nefarious bc they whine and cry about how theyre growing our food#meanwhile theyre really growing water intensive almonds#to sell overseas#while we're in a drought#I HATE FARMERS!!!!!!!#txt
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#we're all feeling so much and this may sound selfish but i need to vent#i feel a bit alone rn with all of this#i mean i always knew i was alone but this is just confirming it all to me#everyone in my life knows how much one direction and the boys mean to me#i dont hide from anyone at all#and most of my irl “friends” (dont even know if they can be called friends)#didnt even come to me to say something#and i know most of them saw the news#idk it just feels like it doesnt matter#and also my parents#they truly never cared aabout my likes#cant even properly name the boys even tho im always talking about them#my dad came into my room and saw me crying#and was all “what happened?” and my brother told him#he's only reaction was to say “really?” and the he left#didnt say a word to me at all#later my mom got home and i think my dad told her i was crying#so she came to my room and she at least showed a bit more interest#and asked me about it and who it was and everything#i was crying talking to her and she didnt even give me a hug#idk i felt alone again#i didnt really expect a hug from my dad but i did from my mom#and i got nothing#its like my feelings about anything matter#anyway sorry if its selfish#its just another thing making me feel sad on top of everything else#personal
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Susan Foreman, Abandonment Issues && The Past Haunting John Banville / Nicola Yoon / Franz Kafka in a letter to his father / Hera Lindsey Bird / Franz Kafka in a letter to his father(words changed, for some reason) / Eula Biss / Rainer Maria Rilke / Michael Cunningham / Richey Edwards / @ ghostheavens / The End of the F***ing World / Valeria Luiselli / Phoebe Bridgers / Katherine Fabrizio / Lang Leav / Emily Palermo / Vicente Aleixandre / Lyra Wren / Ocean Vuong / Haruki Murakami / Richard Siken
#a quick and fun little web weaving game before bed that I DEFINITELY DIDNT CRY OVER WHILE MAKING !!!!#character; susan foreman#about; susan foreman#god. GOD. It’s 2 AM. I am unwell about this tonight. I am. oh Susan. in my feelings about her w the Doctor and w (or w/o) the Master.#retroactively knowing that your grandfather was making what he thought was the best choice for you & abandoning + traumatizing you for life#somewhat knowing the feeling after you become a very clueless parent. wanting to do right by your family.#only for your other father figure(that you maybe don’t even realize is him) to kill your husband. the one guy truly grounding you-#-to your new life. and then shortly after your grandfather comes back for a bit. is an influence on your youngest kid.#he gets himself killed trying to be like his granddad. no. you don’t want to travel with him again after that.#you have to be there for your family and also it hurts to see him— but then your kids also want nothing to do with you now that they can-#-see you#you decide that its best to isolate yourself for like. an ungodly amount of time. for your hearts and somehow for other people.#it doesn’t help.#musings !
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🤭
#aaaaaaa i rly know how to pick my interests huh#im watching sentinel again#its so funny its so funnnn#once again we got an ep with a new Sexy Mysterious Mystery woman whos just so sexy and mysterious#and im OBSESSED with these fucking. corny 90s fade to black slo-mo sex music with sparkle sound effects and cheesy synths we get#and obviously more background characters with one ear pierced#im getting fashion influenced tbh im gonna start wearing just one earring because of this stupid fucking show#its just. such a nothing show in the grand scheme of things i dont rly know who to talk to about it#i dont have anything profound to say about it i just find immense joy in watching these stupid repetitive episodes#my post#YES this is like my hundredth 'my post' about sentinel what of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#all of them have these stupid corny one liners like all the time im gonna cry#im losing my MIND im trapped in a CAGE#its this🤏 close that ill just start pacing around my room talking about this stupid show out loud to myself#why??????????? i didnt choose this life#if heaven is real its just me getting to explain episode plots one after another
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The fucking DEMONS
#FHEY WINT LEAVE ME ALONE I#iM NOT SIXTEEN ANYMORE OKAY YOU CAN STOP PLEASE#you have to stop doing this shit its fucking embarassing its unbecoming youre an embarassment#crying over fucking nothing#jesus christ youre selfish arent you#and all youll do is get pissy and angry and frustrated with yoursekf and go NOWHERE BUT DOWN#you could. idunno. take an ounce of responsibility for your own stupidity#but nooo youre just going shame spiral and drink about it. like you FUCKING always do#THAT ISNT AN ANSWER STUPID AND YOU KNOW IT. ITS JUST A NEW WAY FOR YOU TO HURT YOURSELF ON PURPOSE#you never stopped self harming you just found new invisible ways to do it#thats why you smoke all day like a fucking loser hacking up black slime#youre an ugly stupid child and you always will be
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#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point#i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one#i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit#and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair#and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again#i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl#and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it#and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill#and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with#and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own#i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person#and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks#also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me#and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now#and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do#and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this#but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me#and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end#anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down
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Justice for jolyne wdym emporio defeated pucci
#can i say maybe i dont like where this is going bc i dont like the priest. like why not have dio do all this. i have to endure his boring#self while not having any motivation bc i still dont know why he wants to do all this bc that backstory doesnt justify anything#while dio is in the background and he has a motive to hate the joestars and create a world without them. idk#this is like light and near but unjustified#i would have prefered the priest resurrecting dio in some strange way than him doing all this i think#and i still dont like his powers ☝🏻 they dont make sense to me and the evolution doesnt either. how can you just flip stands.#also his rant about how he killed all his enemies... josuke and giorno are out there now lmao#retracting my statement they changed the opening but just this last episode#i do like the destiny stuff like the same thing happens in a new world bc of necessity and the whole plot has been about things happening#because it needs to happen but why does this reset need to happen??? why does pucci want it?? so everyone can be happy?? why??#literally nothing that happened to him has been the joestars fault. dio brainwashed him? ok SHOW IT#like the plot is okay but the priest doing all this makes no sense it could be anyone at this point#okay i get it now destiny is like gravity.... but his stands changing makes no sense still. the disc thing got out bc of the plant baby. ok#but the gravity just changed to something else entirely??? to time??#he kept repeating time and space but a space stand would be the hand. gravity is something else entirely#its not like velocity>acceleration or star platinum and the world velocity>time. that makes sense#gravity and time is like my stand makes anything into ice cream and then it makes things disappear#rant at this point but yeah#okay control. the priest wants to know exactly what is going to happen at all times to be prepared and evolve?? and why would dio want this?#weather report...... i mean it was meant to be#yeaaahhh emporio roast him#irene and anakiss ajdhaisjaisjakakakak#i might be crying but this doesnt change my pucci criticisms#the ending song..... incredible choice#i think i liked golden wind too much and i cant control myself and not compare#but pucci doesnt make sense to me here apart from being a priest and wanting to fulfill 'god's' purpose or whatever that means#so now there is a new world but with joestars but they dont have stands?? or just pucci doesn't exist (or dio)#so just the prison gang doesnt get them. but ermes didnt go to prison either. idk#talking tag#watching jojo
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Me when i check ao3 and theres no iterator fics as always onxe agai
#no continuation of the old ones (except for 1 god bless its soul 💋). no new ones. nothing. that interests me#ive read this ive read that#im standing om my knees and hands and looking at the floor#WHY is therw so little content about them ?????????? Why did everyone abandon their works ????#im so desperate#thank god i even read on ao3. ficbook goes to hell for what it has to offer (regarding iterators. specifically ships)#talk.pmp#well at th very least i can always go cry about it on ma tumblr blog 🏄#I'll delete this post later#btw if you ever wrote iterator fic I'm looking at you luke yhis -> 😏 and smiling at yoy so kindly
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Me? Having a meltdown due to stupid changes in the work scheduling process?
More likely than you think!
#personal#work rant#vent#whatever its called#probably scared the shit out of my partner cause i was holding it together#and then they asked me what was weong#and i ended up crying on the kitchen floor for a half hour wanting nothing more than to quit#wish therapy was this week ngl#i felt good last week and it was wasted then....#if it werent for the faxt my partner is in the house id started smoking again#im fucking done#yeah no actually im not done ranting about this#we used to get an email from the scheduling team email address#and we replied 'no changes' or outlined whar changes occured in the current and upcoming weeks#now we use a stupid ass centralized program for scheduling that shows soft booked things etc without telling your its softbooked/tentitive#so it LOOKS like i have work for next week but really that file isnt in yet and i wont know inless i open the file.#which you dont do unless your starting the file so like!?!????#instead we are supposed to open every single file on our calendar for the next three weeks to see if they are actually in or not#follow up with the file manager on an eta#then 'contact resource management'about any changes#but then say give various ways to contact them#teams email d365 etc#but heres the kicker other than d365 theres no longer a general resource management contact so you have to reach out to an individual#and i dont know the individuals? so i dont know who to contact?#and if i process changes through d365 its per file#so if im making a change on 5 files its five request#the new system was supposed to make things easier and reduce the scheudling work as its non chargable#instead its increased the time needed and made it a clusterfuck of methods across the board#a centralized system with a bajillion work arounds to make it function
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"God, don't let them justify my suffering. My death is their eternal sin!"
I was sad, okay?
#edna and harvey#edna bricht aus#my art#digital art#art#fanart#harveys new eyes#alfred marcel#sad thoughts#sadnees#sad#I'm sad ok?#=(#tears#crying#his death will never bring me joy because I like him as my son#not a real son though#its just my feelings about his death okay?#Alfred fucking dies and it will never be funny for me#sorry not sorry for telling how I feel about it#ukrainian art#сум#мистецтво#арт#idc if he deserves it and if it was made to bring joy to people for me its eternal sadness nothing more#sadness#:(
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I could/should elaborate when I’m not falling asleep as I am rn but like. I feel like for the people who you “mourn” who have died young and/or suddenly who you knew only in passing, or only casually interacted with, or were once close to but in the years between then and their death you barely spoke, etc etc etc, you arent actually mourning them or their presence in ur life (and now palpable absence) (supposedly) but just what it means to be a human on earth who has to grapple with inevitable loss and the immense weight of what a Person is and their footprint on everyone they interact with that is fleeting even tho there are several billions of us on the floating rock but none of those billions of lifetimes are ever overlapping 100%…. sigh :/
#context a student who graduated last semester (undergrad) died in a car crash like 500 miles away#and one of my fellow grad students/TAs and a few of his former profs are so upset about it and like………#u barely knew this kid I mean of course I feel terrible that someone with his life ahead of him was snuffed out in the blink of an eye#but like…….. if u had never found out about this. or if this hadn’t happened and he went on to live a boring long life#he would mean next to nothing to u !!! u would be none the wiser! u would probz not even recognize his name in 10 years! why are u crying!!!#idk I would be less ANNOYED and hashtag BOTHERED by it if the same people didnt say such nasty derogatory shit about their undergrads#like every other time I talk to u about mundane news ur complaining about how ur students are all lazy untalented idiots#but now THIS ONE who was never meaningful to u before THIS GUY is SPECIAL to u…? u mourn him?#2 weeks ago if I showed u his student ID photo u would struggle to remember his name but NOW HE MEANS SOMETHING#NOW THAT HES GONE AND IT DOESNT FUCKING MATTER ANYMORE NOW HE MEANS SOMETHING TO YOU#tldr if ur still reading lmao I feel like this stuff is always about yourself and almost never about the dead person#which is valid in its own way I mean I’ve literally cried after passing mangled cars and ambulances with people who defs aren’t gonna surviv#but it’s never been about their life’s overlap with mine and retconning some kind of memorable or emotional significance to it#idk why I’m so emotional about this in like 3 separate directions but it’s just so fucking frustrating !!!!!!! 🥲🤡
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Why are people surprised that Zionists are being abhorrent at these protests and then sayin they’re victims. Ig surprised isn’t the right word but people keep pointing out ‘this doesn’t make sense’ like it’s a fallacy in a discord debate like this is just how racism has always been
#sometimes I feel like no matter how much I donate or speak its not enough#but my hopelessness and depression do nothing for Palestinians either#even if I cry it’s not helping at all#even if donating doesn’t feel like enough it gets someone THAT much closer to escaping#but Im so so sick of this#specifically the way people keep trying to give Zionists the benefit of the doubt#like i understand calling out the hypocrisy but white people genuinely seem baffled that they victimize themselves and say they’re afraid#whilst doing heinous shit#that’s not new behavior#trying to educate Zionists does nothing my focus is always going to be on the Palestinian people and how I can help as materially as#possible#actually bad wording education isn’t useless#i just think approaching most Zionists in a humanizing way doesn’t help#trying to start on common ground and coax them to you#that works for ignorant people these people are cruel not stupid#These Justifications that we know are terrible and barbaric make sense to them bc the victims are brown#like it seems like y’all wanna avoid that point so bad and keep speaking on class or other shit#the root of the matter is that they can piss on graves and say they’re scared because that’s the narrative around brown people#it always has been to them! to a lot of you!#i know it’s not conflating to draw comparisons between oppressions but not in the mindspace for that so I’ll just say#for all the white people confused about the ‘logic’ there just take a look at history#recent history even like the way they treat us is not new this is just on such a wide violent scale yall finally cant ignore it anymore#i hope everyone gets what they fucking deserve from this#i hope every martyr can rest easily and that every single soldier and bystander involved in this fucking rots and burns
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