#its not even an ed thing its an adhd thing

[letsboldlygomotherfuckers]

ed tw//

I'm sooooo tired of not being able to walk into the kitchen without hyperventilating and crying lmaooo

[clamorybus]

i hate when you first hear of a neutral term in a completely negative context so now whenever you hear it, it just makes you flinch

[unproduciblesmackdown]

remembering a fun marble hornets trans wrights element throwback where i managed to show up for one of their first convention features & while this was ofc already [serious "hmm...Not Cis: me??"] occasions i wasn't yet out or anything like well time to suffer being known & perceived thusly....while i Was out by the same occasion the next year like well here i am again, different name, binder, no plans to give anyone any rundown about this thing, hope it goes smoothly anyways and/or i'm effectively giving a reintroduction anyhow even though i May have been up to more memorable things that last time....no conversations needed to be had, i think i had the impression i was recalled as the same person but it was an entirely chill time, just this as like an early and pretty unique Occasion of like, here's people who know me from In Person (and ig Kind of online, i also don't recall ever like distinctly linking said in person appearance to onlineness lol. it just may also have not been an unsolveable mystery or a mystery at all. but mostly in person, and that's the element i was focusing on anyways) and my showing up transly in person with a whole other name this time as the major difference really lol. like well hope this goes swimmingly....And It Did. and at some point not eons later ya boy tim with some cringe comp sincerety like oh let me make this post somewhere about how an epic element of being a known internet creator is meeting new & various people including explicitly the [mh fans are like exclusively The Gays. and then some unfiction posters] factor & i'm like lol well you're welcome. just doing my part. but fr that was neat like i'm glad to get chill indirect & direct trans validation from internet horror series contributors in that immediate period of coming out & having to sweat it like damn wasn't at this point last time around

[senseiwu]

Just saw a video where someone mentioned reading the curious incident of the dog in the night time, and they thought afterwards they may have autism too. When they brought it up to their mum, she was like "you knew??" cause apparently she'd done that thing people seem to do where they keep an autism diagnosis secret from their kids

It made me remember when my grandma gave me that book to read when we were all at her place for Christmas. She said something like "I think you'll really like it", which confused me cause I was more into fantasy stuff than mystery novels. I mean. I did really like it. But it's one of the things that makes me wonder... did my parents do that thing too...?

[beachboysnatural]

My relationship to food is so crazy fr and by that I mean just this side of unhealthy

[xiexiecaptain]

The biggest thing I've learned to help manage my ADHD in regards to getting things done is to Follow Those Impulses

(I'm not saying this will work for or is even a good strategy for everyone, but in my own situation it's helped me.)

I'm like allergic to consistency in schedule and cannot enforce one on myself so all it leads to is self-loathing and failure. Trust me, I've been attempting to will-power, shame-fuel my way through it since I was a preteen (I'm currently almost 30.) It does not work for me.

Obviously medication can give me a huge leg up on stuff. But beyond a certain point my brain is simply not wired for long-term sustained consistency.

As in many of my issues, I've found that working with myself gets better results than fighting myself.

When I follow those sudden impulses of interest and motivation, I get things done.

To the outside, I look absolutely haphazard. I'll pause a show I'm watching mid-sentence, stand up, and go empty the dishwasher because my mood/brain/chemicals *ping*ed that it was suddenly do-able and not a huge overwhelming task. Or I'll be putting away laundry and that *ping* will go off and I'll spend three hours re-organizing my closet.

To a neurotypical, this looks like distracted and disorganized behavior.

To me, it's following the way my brain naturally works in order to accomplish tasks.

My ADHD manifests in that I experience very small and unsustainable windows of motivation and interest. So when I feel that window crack open, doing the Thing right then (when the situation enables me to) can mean the Thing actually happens. Even if it's not the thing I'm "supposed" to be doing.

With a neurotypical in that situation, they might be putting away clothes and think: "Oh, I should organize my closet. I have time this weekend, I'll do it then," finish putting away their clothes, and then organize the closet when they had free time that weekend.

I used to try to do things that way too. Because it was how I was taught that "responsible, real people" did it, and had "finish one thing before you start another" drilled into my head. But I'm literally not wired to work that way. And I've been working on undoing that internalized ableism of believing one way of doing things is better and I need to change to adhere to it. I don't and shouldn't be expected to to my own detriment.

For me with the closet example, the weekend would come and I would spend 5 hours screaming at myself to stop working on whatever did have my interest in order to go organize the closet. Sometimes I might ended up doing it. More often, I would not be able get myself to do it even after all that. I would just sit there, yelling at myself, hating myself despite my brain literally not having the chemicals to initiate the activity (let alone follow through) and nothing would get done. Not even the thing I wanted to focus on instead.

The only thing I did accomplish was hating myself for not being able to do "simple" things like other people (read: neurotypicals.)

This is basically how I spent the majority of my schooling; doing simple tasks felt like running in sand. And I internalized all the messages that told me it was my own fault I couldn't run as fast and in as straight a line as those running on pavement.

The past few years, I've been trying to follow impulses more. And its honestly been really helpful.

I get more done even if it isn't a "consistent" amount or I can't always count on having a specific thing done by a certain date.

But the big thing is that I spend less time hating myself for not doing what I "should" be and more time actually doing things when I have the motivation for them. More shit happens, I'm undoing some of that self-loathing.

tl;dr: My advice for fellow adult ADHD-ers is:

Try to learn what your natural rhythms are and, where possible, try leaning into them. Without judgement, try working with your natural tendencies rather than battling them at every moment. See how it feels, see what you accomplish (and not just in the capitalistic "productivity" way--spending 3 hours hyperfocusing on researching the history of wheat germ counts!) See how your brain and body feel.

Your brain is wired different, let yourself operate different.

[jenyifer]

Hum I realized I haven’t shared any of my book recs on here. I know I should watch new bl. I plan on finding something in June.

Since I got broken up I’ve been reading lgbt books. My ex gf had been showing me things about being lgbt that I had never imagined before and without her I still wanted to learn to experience different stories. So I used my love of fantasy and sci-fi and started listening and reading as much as I could. I don’t really care for overly spicy things but I like when the characters are realistic adults. So keep that in mind with this list.

1. The House in the Cerulean Sea 10/10 Fantasy great characters and mc growth. Found family always gets me. The ending was perfect. I’ve listened to it 15 times and forced my parents and uncle to read it. I’m excited for book 2.

2. The Darkness Outside of Us. 10/10 Sci-fi Space. This book made me feel so much. Surprised me. Had me gasping for air in my cube to the point people had to ask if I was okay. Had me running to the car to cry as I listened to the last part. Go in blind and enjoy the space and gay of it all.

3. Dark Rise 10/10 Classic Fantasy It is incredibly rare any book surprises me. Most of the time I can guess the plot a mile away. Dark Rise hit me over the head a couple times had me crying. But it was so epic and adventurous reminded of the feeling I had reading David Eddings as a child. (Not that lgbt as I would have liked but… it was there I assume book 2 a lot more)

4. Iron Widow 10/10 Sci-fi Mechs Fantasy Post Apocalypse I adore a mechs and history. It was extremely exciting. I adore the main couple even though main girl is actually mentally unstable but you love her anyways.

5. The Extraordinaries 9/10 Superhero. The main character is lovably stupid aside from his ADHD which I can relate on. I loved the lesbian side couple. The story was fun felt like it was written for the early college me who loved superheroes.

5. Adam Binder Series White Trash Warlock 9/10. Urban Fantasy. It gives me flash backs to Harry Dresden and Iron Druid but not in the obvious way just in vibe. I love main characters being country. I’m from Mississippi not Oklahoma but I can relate to being a gay in a small town moving to a big city. I love the main couple. The mystery magic system was interesting. I wish it had a bit more romance actually. Just because I love the main couple and side characters a lot and want happiness. I wish I could get more people to read this one it’s wonderful a lot better than a lot of urban str8 fantasy I’ve read and it was my main category for years. The mystery element was decent. I need to start book 3.

6. Ocean’s Echo 8.5/10 sci-fi mystery the main characters are… so wonderful. They are extreme but I love them so much. I’ll protect them to the end of days. I have this book over it’s… I guess in the same universe book Winter’s Orbit because I think the mystery suspense is more intense in Ocean’s echo also much more spacey sci-fi. Romance is also arranged marriage but is VERY different from winters orbit. I wish… I wish this book wasn’t associated with the other because it gets unfairly compared because the narrator is the same etc but Ocean’s Echo is great in its own right and is definitely not a copy

7. Winter’s Orbit 8.5/10 MYSTERY sci-fi edging on fantasy. Arranged marriage. Slow burn. These characters are also 10/10 I love them. I have experienced an abusive relationship before and appreciated seeing a character with the scars a similar past. Often if a character is portrayed as in an abusive relationship they focus on the event but it effects Everything in your world. Even now I have these scars after 8 years. I loved the mystery it was the main focus which I liked. The romance felt natural.

8. Fragile Remedy 8/10 one of the first books I read it made me cry and was a good single dystopian gem. Had a real… divergent hunger games kind of vibe to the world from what I remember.

9. Lightning struck heart 7/10 classic fantasy this is what I said on my insta at the time “It is an extremely comedic fantasy adventure with wizards, unicorns, knights, and dragons. Right up my alley! However the ending was disappointing. I'll listen to the next book in the series and hope it improves. Just found character arch unbelievable in last chapters.”

10. A wish upon a star by tj klune ^follow up books I read like 4 of them 5/10 I did stop listening to it this is what I said on my insta “Well I continued listening the tales of verania series and made it to the original end of the series. I'd say if you want a gay fantasy comedy without too much thinking Listen to the audio. Narrator is the biggest part of why I didn't quit. Idk if I'll read the other books though it is very friendship is magic smooth brain ideas I've read”

Unable to finish (been desperately trying to find a lesbian story and finding nothing)

Girl, Serpent, Thorn 4/10 my review from insta “Unable to finish it. The world is interesting. The first 3rd seemed promising but after major conflict the writing goes way down. But the MC doesn't grow. The f/f is so shallow it made me roll my.eyes until I had to stop listening. Wanted the bad guy to win and kill everyone”

The Midnight Girls. So intensely annoying and childish. I couldn’t do it I think I made it to chapter 3 but it was a struggle.

In the ravenous dark. I got to one third of the audio book and had to stop. The universe was okay but main girl was very annoying. Was kind of hoping her and the ghost would be together not… not the weird bullshit that was going on. Idk what the end of the book was going to be but it was not for me.

I’ll post another with my current to read list. I’m really going through them now because I have to drive two hours a day to and from work. Give me your suggestions though please thank you.

[kylejsugarman]

hey I lurk for your Breaking Bad content. please give me all of your Jesse in Alaska/recovery headcanons. I need it like I need air.

jesse in alaska.......where do i even begin 😔 im going to avoid lingering too much on my alaska oc's and that little world (tldr for newcomers: jesse gets to haines, starts working at a repair/custom shop called carvings owned by sheila, and befriends and falls in love with the local vet demi who is raising her niece baby) just because there are Plenty of those posts and i want to focus more on jesse himself

this is one ive talked about before, but its just so precious to me, and thats jesse getting into cooking. at first, him learning how to do it is out of pure necessity. the canned food that ed left him only lasts for a few weeks and the prepackaged stuff at the store is all queasily redolent of the "treats" (<- meager sustenance) that were dropped into his cage, so he picks up a box of dry pasta and looks at the recipe for chicken penne printed on the box. it has all the steps, the ingredients. he was always good at following a recipe. jesse dutifully buys the stuff and what begins as him robotically following the text later on in his small, dim kitchen starts to feel. Good. there's no harsh fumes or chemical burns. he doesnt have to measure the garlic down to a hundredth of a gram. he has a recipe to follow—something to guide him—but nothing awful is going to happen if he experiments a little. if he deviates. and he isn't making poison. he's making something Good. for so, so long, jesse only Destroyed and when he did create, it was poison. now he gets to do what he wants. he gets to make good. that chicken penne is the first thing he eats in weeks that actually has flavor—or maybe he's letting himself Taste again. jesse starts cooking more and more, using those supermarket recipes and eventually recipes that he prints off from the public library computers, and even once it becomes a part of his daily routine, he never loses that weird excitement for it. there's the satisfaction of successfully executing a task even with his memory issues and adhd, but also the excitement of realizing over and over that he can do what he wants.

jesse thinks he's "done" with drugs when he gets to alaska purely because he hasn't been able to use and doesnt have immediate access to anything stronger than alcohol or tobacco, but he quickly realizes that he does not have any other kind of coping mechanism ready to deploy or way to sufficiently distract himself once he's physically and mentally well enough to Be Aware. alcohol doesnt seem to "work" fast enough. he thinks over and over about hiring a sex worker or finding a bar somewhere so he can have sex with and fall asleep next to a warm, living body. he drives for hours and sometimes hits the brakes hard on the icy road when theres no one else out there, letting himself skid uncontrollably and hoping he crashes. he wants to start a fight with a stranger. he wants to hug a stranger. and he does end up using drugs again, several times. i mean he's a severely traumatized addict arriving in a new location with zero support. it's not a failure, it's not irreversible backsliding: it's just the reality of what being in this terrifying, vulnerable situation would be like for jesse. for a long time, he sees these relapses as signs of weakness and that Certain People were right about him being a pathetic junkie with no will or value, but as he starts meeting people and finding new ways to be happy and getting the right treatment for his various issues and sometimes even sitting in NA church basement meetings because he just needs to be Understood, jesse comes around to the idea that addiction is not a moral failing and sees his life as worthy enough to safely and healthily preserve.

lightning round!! jesse decides once he arrives to grow his hair and facial hair out some to look less like his old mugshot, but also because as soon as the cold winter air touches his shaved head, he basically reverts to spongebob and patrick duct-taping fur off of sandy to survive in her dome during winter. he stops to stare in awe at eagles and whales and moose even after years and years of living in alaska. his sense of smell is nearly totally destroyed from cooking without protection, but he still always buys lemon scented soap and cleaning stuff because lemon was his aunt ginny's favorite scent. he reads up on a lot of first-aid on the public library computers, sometimes out of a sense of frantic compulsion or guilt, sometimes out of legitimate curiosity. when he drives home from doctors appointments or NA meetings, he plays the music in his car so loud that his seat shakes. the people of haines know that mr driscoll can be a little cagey and will flinch at the sound of his own laugh, but they also know that he brakes for animals and carves beautiful gadrooning and buys ten of whatever the kids are selling to raise money for the band or their scout troop. and they like him quite a bit :)

[tears-grow-gardens]

TW- ed rant

This is my first ever tumblr post. Normally I'm just a wall flower, sitting quietly in the tumblr corner reading other peoples posts and thoughts hoping to feel less alone in my own mind. I'm not even sure what I want to say but for the past 4 years I have struggled with my eating, some days are really bad and other days it's just like an itch, like I know all the rules, fear and guilt that has stained me but I feel stronger not to let it win. 2-3 years ago I was at my worst, I was in my 3rd year of University, I had lost all hope and drive in my life and I let everything crumble through my fingers, I was failing classes, isolating from everyone, loosing sight of my dreams and what mattered to me. I don't know who was holding the wheel to my life but I felt I had lost control with all of it. I didn't know how to change or help myself, I was so tired of always feeling like a failure to myself and everyone around me. I had been dealing with depression and anxiety for so long and serious case of undiagnosed ADHD and all these feeling felt so permanent, like they would never go away, so I turned to something I felt I could control, which was food. There was nothing I hated more in the world than myself, my body, my face, the way that I believed people saw me. I hated every inch of who I was. I thought that if i could control what went in i would get the results I've always wanted and maybe even get to like the way I look. And the results came, it felt so good to be able to get something right, like for the first time in my life I didn't feel like a complete failure. The feeling of hunger gave me power, how I didn't have to say words to people that I was hurting inside because they could see it from the outside. Wake up, look in the mirror, walk, workout, coffee, walk, coffee, porridge, starve, walk, mirror, bed. This was my life but fortunately or unfortunately I was sniffed out like a rat from one of my house mates who confronted me, it felt like I was standing there naked and exposed with all my secrets written on my skin. After that I felt I had to change, I felt watched and analysed with every move I made. My weight goals put into a box, I tried to make amends with my body and mind but from the years to follow the voices never left my head. Sometimes the voices are merely a whisper and other days the voices are so loud it feels like everyone else can hear them too. Now here I am on tumblr 4 years later writing to say I have relapsed, not that I think I ever recovered but more I was idle with temptation to destroy myself and now I'm back, born again to hack my body to pieces. Ive found myself almost everyday purging in the bathroom, even if its been a normal, healthy meal. I just want to crawl out of my skin and shrink into nothing. I don't want to die and I don't want to live like this but i feel years of rage within me of unnoticed pain that I want to scream to the world and let them know. I have dreams and I want them to exist one day as true but I don't know how I'll ever rid myself of these dark paralysing thoughts. I'm so tired of feeling unloved and lonely, in my 22 years of life I have never known what it is or what it feels like when someone choses to love you. Im so convinced by my own hatred for myself that I believe everyone else sees me the way I do. The toxic thing is, is that I want this for myself, I want the hunger in sanctuary of starving, I want to feel small and fragile and i want people to worry, i want them to say "she's lost weight", while they ponder on how hurt I must be to have lost myself this far.

Anyway enough for one day. idk if anyone reads these long word vomit tumblr posts but thank you if you've read this far and welcome to my fkd up mind.

[rainbowpui]

"SJ abused many talented disciples"

But it wasn't mentioned anywhere other than SY's chapters and I dont trust SY's pov on SJ especially not when he thought that SJ SA-ed NYY,SJ was in love with QHT, killed LQG and helped LBH to kill YQY.

LITERALLY SY is an unreliable narrator. he THINKS he knows everything about PIDW but most of what he thought at the beginning of the novel gets disproved. its... literally an important plot point that SY makes problems for himself bc hes too hung up on what he THINKS he knows about the characters. But like..... 99% of this is shown to be wrong....

in fact... realizing that almost everything he thought about sj is wrong.... is part of what makes him realize that what he has been thinking about LBH has been wrong too. why would we have to take his word from the START OF THE NOVEL about that when he discover he was wrong about everything else?

when sy wakes up all of sj's disciples were crowded around him worried and wanting for their shizun to wake up (except lbh). that.. doesnt exactly make me feel like they all hate him.

sy claims that sj was a lecher who lusted after his students..... but when we actually see sj's pov it turns out he isnt going to the brothels for sex but because thats the only place he can feel comfortable away from men bc of his trauma. we know its canon that he cares for nyy bc sy literally uses sj's care for her as a way to get around ooc and help lbh, but theres literally nothing to imply his affection is sexual in nature. sj saves qht and drags her away from the fire bc he feels indebted to her for being his only escape from the abuse by the other members of her household, not bc hes in love with her. even when saving her puts him in danger bc thats a loose end that can and does come back to bite him. tbh i cant say its canon that hes gay.... but he certainly doesnt seem to show any interest in women and gives "all of his loyalty" to another man and waits for him like a maiden waiting for her lover to return lol

we learn in the sqh extras that not only did sj not kill lqg in the caves but he tried to save him and just failed that time. we literally SEE sj save lqg on the mission with sqh and then get embarrassed and not even ask for credit for it.

sy blames sj for "killing yqy" but when we see the 79 extras.... he literally tries to push him away and tells him to leave when hes captured so that yqy stays safe and literally mentions that when he was FORCED BY LBH to write the letter he tried to make it obvious that its a trap. why is sj being blamed for lbh killing yqy just to hurt him???? sy CLAIMS to know everything about PIDW but literally the point mxtx is making by showing that sy is wrong about everything about sj.... is that maybe he doesnt know as much as he thinks... he thinks that lbh was the cause of the jinlani city plague as well and THAT is wrong too. (it was actually..... sy's fault. for releasing zzl.. OOPS.)

I dont care if he THOUGHT sj was like that at the start of the novel. hes not actually a reliable source!! esp at the start sj definitely DID abuse lbh. i dont think most sj stans will deny that or pretend that what he did was right. but.... we dont actually see him treat any other disciples poorly. if anything sy is the one making everyone else run laps and teaching them nothing to the point that sqh mentions that the disciples turn from "scholars" into "adhd children".... sy HIMSELF admits that its a good thing sj taught his students enough that they can basically run the sect on their own so that he can be lazy and do nothing and delegate to everyone else. i imagine that he might have been a bit strict as a teacher to the other students but thats not the same as abusing all of them. its literally just lbh he had an issue with

sometimes i feel like ppl didnt even read the same book when they take everything sy says at face value. hes a flawed character who is forced to rethink all the things he thought about BOTH sj AND lbh after witnessing sj's backstory makes him realize..... he cant actually assume he knows everything about these characters just bc he read PIDW. SQH himself admits that the sv universe is based on his rough draft, NOT on the dumbed down version that he was forced to write for the $$$ that sy ended up reading

somehow ppl can admit that sy was wrong about other characters but not about sj even when we see him proven wrong on screen??? its really strange... sj did SOME things wrong but not 99% of the shit ppl accuse him of

[iveneverseenthesebowlsbefore]

Oh boy have some ep6 and 7 rewatch thoughts!

First off, please enjoy these lines I didn't appreciate enough the first time around:

and also

I feel better about our fellas after a rewatch too. Cuz they were doing pretty ok actually?

Like look at Ed here, even after the torture bits he's having such a nice time right up until the moment Stede goes to kill Ned

Lookit that lil face. He's so proud of his bb. Stede did the pirate thing without hurting anyone. Win win.

Then this shot of Ned is so telling:

The yellow and blue is obvs reminiscent of Ed's vision and mermaid Stede- but this time something's sinking. Makes sense, this is the catalyst that leads to them starting to fissure.

Loved this over the shoulder shot of Ed throwing away his leathers

Reminds me very much of him embracing Blackbeard from last season:

He's throwing it all away again, starting new, just this time it's Blackbeard he's tossing out the side of the ship.

And then the fact that Stede's new 'crew' is all in leathers just like Blackbeard's isn't an accident.

But they were still doing so well! The fact that they tell each other things - the mermaid and the letters - they're starting to let their guards down, show more of themselves...

They both have these moments of vulnerability during ep 7, where they say something kinda silly, where they could have been hurt... and then show each other right away that their trust wasn't misplaced:

It was all going so well dammit!

Another thing I noticed is that Ed completely makes his decision to leave without talking to Stede once more. He gets so in his head about it. And i think here, it was him reaching out:

He doesn't want to leave. But fisherman and pirates can't work out. Its so simple if he puts it like that. But it felt like he wanted Stede to say something, convince him he's wrong, say that he'll be a fisherman too if that's what Ed wants, say he doesn't just like him cuz he's a pirate, say that he loves Ed more than he loves pirating.

But instead poor Stede does the worst possible thing he can, challenges Ed's already shaky sense of self. Which is why it's so easy for Ed to then lean hard into the idea.

Black and white thinking. I get it my poor adhd riddled darling.

And just one more thing, this moment between Stede and Izzy was really nice :)

[polycraftory]

Dragon Falls (How to Tame a Husband) by Davis Lavender

Reviewed by Meghan 💜

⭐⭐⭐⭐ 4.5/5 | 🌶️🌶️ 2/5

GENRE: Cozy Portal Fantasy REP: mlm, achillean demi male mc, gay male mc, queer scs CW: mentions of cheating, manipulation, minor injuries LENGTH: 357 pgs

If you are looking for a sweet and funny gay romcom in a fantasy setting, I highly recommend this book! It manages to deliver an interesting isekai / transmigration narrative with a cast of incredibly lovable characters. This is exactly the sort of novel I had wanted when I was growing up looking for queer romance in a fantasy setting. Added to that just a little bit of spice and a whole lot of humor. It's technically an adult novel, but it's a lighthearted one that is also light on the smut. Also, I desperately want this to be a new au setting so fanfic writers please read this. Overall, this is a delightful indie book that I am very glad I got. I really love this Rainbow Crate @rainbowcrate edition from their Cozy Fantasy box.

Below the cut you can find my full review! You can find more reviews like this on my Storygraph or in our "meghan reviews" tag. Check out our pinned post for links!

If you want to avoid spoilers skip the section labeled "The End".

The Main Characters / Core Romance Feliks is an incredibly relatable and very sweet ADHD hot mess. He isn't explicitly neurodivergent, but the way he describes his "brain squirrels" and the everything else about him was deeply relatable to me (my whole household is some flavor of neurodivergent). He is an absolute ray of sunshine, and he gets isekai-ed into a dragon riding warlord with the Ruthless as his moniker. It is incredibly funny to watch him try to do damage control on all the awful things that the old Ryszard did. To differentiate them both in the narrative and for the reader, Feliks has people start to call him Rys. I found him absolutely charming, even though he so often speaks before thinking and puts his foot in his mouth. I thoroughly enjoyed watching him win over everyone, including his husband. Also! He's demisexual and demiromantic! I have literally never read a book before where I saw myself represented like that! It was honestly so wonderful and validating even though its inclusion is very subtle.

Marek is a classic and wonderful example of the grumpy half of the grumpy/sunshine dynamic. He has incredibly good reasons not to trust his husband, who reappeared after being presumed dead for two years. Yet, he can't resist Rys' charm no matter how much he doesn't trust his husband's new polar opposite personality. From his best friend Kasia to the denhands he teaches, I enjoyed how much he cares for everyone despite being so very grumpy. I feel like that personality type tends to be portrayed as a loner, but Marek is at the heart of his community and they all adore him. The relationship between him and his dragon is also incredible, and there is quite a lot of humor in how infuriated he is that his dragon suddenly adores his husband who used to treat them both horribly. Rys calls their dragon Honey Bunny despite there being a Whole Thing (TM) about Dragons not being owned and therefore not being named. It does not at all infuriate Marek that his dragon now only responds to Bunny! Don't be ridiculous!

Their dynamic is everything you'd expect from this sort of grumpy/sunshine pair up, especially with the added component of Rys often saying exactly the wrong thing to Marek since he doesn't know their theoretically "shared" history from before he transmigrated into the story. Rys has absolutely no knowledge of the plot or world he gets thrown into at all, so it leads to quite a lot of unintentional hurt. Still, they have an incredibly sweet romance and both work hard for their happily ever after. For me, this was a very low spice book but I didn't come here for that.

The Worldbuilding I had to give this it's own section because the worldbuilding is so fun and I want people to immediately adopt this as a new fun AU setting for fanfiction. Only nobility can become Dragon Riders. In order to be a Rider, you have to court and marry yourself a Dragon Tamer. Each Tamer has one Dragon that they tame and train. Tamers can be anyone who earns the position, and they often start out as Denhands (basically, like, squires; they help with upkeep around the Den and help care for your dragon). Denhands get adopted by a Tamer and a Rider, so their entire family structure is based around the dragon riding system and I just think that's such a fun build! Once a Tamer and Rider get married, the Rider starts to bond with their dragon and learns how to ride. Once you are done training as a Rider, you have your final test which is the Claiming Ceremony. You take a leap of faith off the cliff and if your dragon catches you, you are a fully fledged Rider. If they don't, well, you fall to your death. Womp womp. Until their Claiming Ceremony, Tamers must protect their Riders from all harm so you get an extra layer of bodyguard romance. Seriously, I need this as an AU setting for every ship I've ever seen immediately. The Plot Very straightforward! Rys thinks his only way back to his world is to survive till his claiming ceremony so he can reuse the whistle at the top of the Falls to reopen the portal. Most of the narrative is a combo of the training leading up to the ceremony, the building romance, and Rys figuring out how to be a good husband (and father lol they adopt a kid. Damon/Demon I adore you). You also see Rys unravel all the harm the character he took over did to all the people of this training camp and home city. It has plenty of found family vibes, and honestly I loved the whole main cast. Overall, this was a very lighthearted plot even though murder / being trapped in another world / falling to his death were all theoretically on the table. The humorous tone keeps the plot from getting dark or serious. It has a good pace and was exactly the right amount of plot based on what I was expecting, which is basically a romcom in a fantasy setting.

The End Spoilers time! It almost goes without saying, but this is a nice, easy, unequivocal happily ever after. I was pleased that there was still plenty of book left after the climax. We got a really nice falling action with the main characters getting together and figuring out how to stay together. Also, this nicely side-stepped any of the usual portal fantasy or transmigration angst from having to choose between returning to their world and staying with their love interest. Feliks/Rys gets to have the best of both worlds since he has a portal he can open and close with the whistle reforged. I do wish we got to see Marek meet his brother and mother, I am dying to know how that went. Also, my edition had a nice little bonus story, The Trouble With Tybald, about two of the side characters getting together as well as a closer peek at the side romance between Demon (Rys and Marek's son) and the son of the bartender. It was a fun little surprise snack at the end, even though the bonus content wasn't for the main couple!

[imqueerandadeer]

Okay it's time again for rants and personal stories no one fucking asked for. Todays topic: How fucking rampant and normalized ableism is, with comments from @pansgoobernonsense as usual.

Really long post ahead guys you've been warned.

The reason it has been featured in the last post and now this one is because it's also ND and Asian and I wanted to get other peoples experiences with ableism.

It also said that I can interview it for practice because journalism sounds cool to me and I might want to be a journalist.

Anyways obligatory disclaimer/reminder. I don't speak for all mentally disabled people because we are not a monolith!! For example I am great at masking my ADHD and Autism (I'll get into that with more context later) and it's somthing I've picked up subconsciously. Other people with my same conditions may not be good at masking.

Also this post will mostly center around mental disabilities, specifically ADHD and autism because thats what we have and know most about. Neither me nor my friend are physically disabled (to my knowledge) so I won't speak much on it because It's not my place.

Alright with that out of the way lets add some context.

Hi, if you don't know me or haven't seen my blog before (most of you probably have though in some shape or form) I'm Ollie or Cupid. I have ADHD, self diagnosed (and peer diagnosed) autism, and possible dyscalculia. Theres also a millon other things I'm suspicious about having but I won't get into those.

Lets start with this, imagine (or don't idc) that your back in *gasp* middle school. Terrifying. Now since this is tumblr I'm gonna assume most of you have autism and/or ADHD so y'all most likely know what it's like to be in middle school and be ND. But still I wanted to talk about my experiences with ableism in school.

Okay I've noticed that the difference of how I get treated because I mask and those that can't mask for whatever reason is wildly different. I have instructional support which is technically special ed and no one has ever called me "Sped" or the R-slur. Versus the the kids who visibly have support needs and their disabilities are present. They get called those things all the fucking time.

The hypocrisy of it all is what really gets me. Kids at my school will really stand there and call these other kids dehumanizing things while I stand there as a person with ADHD and autism having to akwardly laugh it off and pretend it doesn't effect me. Yes of course I tell them off but it doesn't work, because they have been taught that what they're saying is fine and people who have higher support needs are not human, which is wrong and ablesist.

Thats not even their fault really it's what they were taught. Although if they weren't taught it and they know It's wrong but still do it then it's their fault

It genuinely got so bad that me and my friends wrote a letter to the office telling them about the ablesist language at our school, I don't think the letters ever got sent but yeah it was that bad.

On another note I don't think my schools very wheelchair accessible at all, although I wouldn't know really because I don't use a wheelchair.

Now heres @pansgoobernonsense experiences woth ableism as a whole, while mine were mostly about school its are more personal

"My personal experiences with ableism are mostly from my parents, and since I have not one but two neurodevelopmental disorders I’ve experienced it a lot. The most notable of these experiences come from my parents reaction to my autism.

A notable example was the time I was crying because I didn’t want to go to a party (I had had a panic attack at another similar party at the same place with similar people) and my dad had said I didn’t need to go but my mom made me.

I tried to explain (through tears) that I didn’t want to go and my dad angrily called me “autistic”. I’ve also been told to just “act normal” in social situations (despite the textbook definition of autism being essentially “I can’t act normal in social situations”). My parents have also neglected to tell me about my diagnosis for basically my entire life.

I was diagnosed when I was 2-3 and only found out this year. The reason behind this decision was “if I knew I’d tell everyone and use it as a get out of jail free card”.

They seem to treat my diagnosis as a label rather than an actual disability. It makes sense, since historically mental disabilities haven’t been treated the same as physical disabilities, but it’s still an awful experience."

While my experiences with things like this haven't been as severe as Nicks experiences I do have some of my own.

One time I was talking to my mother and she said that they suspected I had ADHD but didn't get me tested until I was 12 because she didn't want me on meds that early, which yes is a semi fair point but still why would you keep your suspicions a secret until I startes to notice and suspect it myself. That seems so weird to me and it could have saved me a lot if trouble if she had just told me.

Anyways thats it, sorry if it's not cohesive or coherent it's 1:00 am for me, I need to sleep

[chuplayswithfire]

Whatre people saying now

anon i was so confused for a second but what had me grumbling last night was someone saying even if ed can read well we all know he can't write

and truly.

people need to examine why they are so determined in the face of all other odds to say that ed is illiterate. like. we actually DON'T know that ed can't write. we know that he once refused to sign his name for the british, that is the Limit.

but also ngl i also meant it about when people use the headcanon that ed has adhd as fact to explain things about him, or any other diagnoses they want to give him. it's fine to headcanon, but when people are stating that kind of thing as though it's demonstrable fact its like that's not it folks? that's Your Interpretation.

[do-angels-dream-of-starry-seas]

I just have to wax poetic about the beauty of gentlebeard, particularly why I, as an autistic person, love them so much and project onto them so badly

This might get a little long, so a read more will do

But first off, some fun brief history lesson on autistic relationships in media :). Which sucks most of the time :)))

Ok I'm really not gonna get too much into it cause most of its the same; white autistic man/white allistic woman (The Good Doctor, Adam, etc). There have been steps in more diversity when it comes to this (Jane Wants a Boyfriend and Extraordinary Attorney Woo, a flip on this trope, and Heartbreak High has an actually autistic actress as a main lesbian character) but some of these media aren't being continued anymore (Everything's Gonna Be Okay you will always be missed)

As of right now, the themes of these stories are usually about the disability, teaching allistics and just overall centers around autism itself, which considering how many of these projects aren't led by autistic people, it's shitty repetitive portrayals (The Good Doctor, Atypical, Extraordinary Attorney Woo, As They See Us, blah blah blah blah blah)

But then you got these two pirates.

And let me explain how they pressed all the right buttons for me:

1. Both neurodivergent coded

Stede Bonnet my autistic icon. Just, the way he goes about social interactions and his knowledge about things is so reminiscent of trying to understand social rules and masking and special interests. There's even the little things like his love of books and needing things spelled out to him and when he commented on the textures of the privateer clothing.

And there's definitely a reason loads of people love to read Ed as adhd: his brain thinking of plans ahead in the future, feeling stuck in life, collection of items in a "messy" room, and that fancy French party man. His reading is less overt and more nuanced to me, but I still feel connected to him like I do with Stede, like how I would feel when watching a show about autistic people.

2. Their neurodivergent relationship

I've said before that most relationships we see are with an autistic/allistic. It falls under the "teaching" category and makes me feel like its trying to make a point, like yes, autistic people can have relationships like anyone else and they are lovable enough to neurotypicals!!!1!!1!

So imagine my absolute glee at how when Stede and Ed have their first proper conversation, it goes like

Ed seemingly seeking a sensory touch from the softness of a fabric

Stede instead of judging him on doing something "weird" asks if he enjoys it

And because they find they both enjoy this certain thing

Stede shows him his safe space to Ed full of this same kind of thing Ed liked

Ed then expresses his personal feelings to Stede

And gets no judgment, in fact a show of agreement and sympathy

And then they do something that's like an inside joke that's really only funny to them

And then Ed encourages Stede to be confident by supporting him

This is thee meet-cute, nothing can ever top this cute and honest beginning of a medium-burn relationship, change my mind

Most of what autistics want more than anything, romantic or otherwise, is to feel listened to and accepted. And we get this almost immediately, with BOTH Stede and Ed feeling appreciated!!!!

3. No neurodivergent preaching

When autistic love is shown in media, it's usually never the focal point. The main thing is about the person having the disability - even shows I love and praise for its relationship representation like Extraordinary Attorney Woo and Everything's Gonna Be Okay do the same thing

Ofmd acknowledges issues existing like colonialism, racism and homophobia, yet this show is not about that. The characters are allowed to exist and be themselves and happy without having this fact shoved down their throat every waking second and the villains who keep up the systemic issues get their comeuppance, usually by that person they were hurting.

And I here what you're saying: that neurodivergency is not canon and so doesn't have the direct acknowledgement like the other issues I mentioned... well.

We don't see sexism in ofmd, yet we all understand how Mary wouldn't be able to make the same choices Stede could on leaving their family. We know that the French party were entertained by Ed, not just cause of his stories as Jeff The Accountant.

Stede was bullied in his childhood by his father and classmates for not fitting in, for standing out - yes this obviously reads as homophobia, but many neurodivergents can relate to feeling exactly like this, some i bet almost being in the same situation as Stede is when it comes to things like crying easily and liking to pick flowers

So a moment like Stede playing Stark Revelations, where he gets to make fun of people that were like those in his old life AND being able to defend his one and only friend? That felt pretty damn good to watch myself.

Even without the romance, you still have a show where the two main characters are encouraged to be themselves in every way. This is a far cry from other media where even though they aren't explicitly stated to be neurodivergent, they are generally unlikeable and/or characters around them scold and pressure them to change into something "better" (Sherlock, Big Bang Theory, etc etc). Doesn't change the fact they are read as neurodivergent and thus seen as harmful representation for people who are "similar" to them irl

Meanwhile, Ed and Stede love each other because of who the other is, no narrative about them having to fall in love with the other despite their differences... but because they found something in each other they always wanted to find, and to feel loved in return

And the narrative doesn't preach to you or tries to fix them. Instead it says "this is our main character who happens to be white and middle aged, and this is his love interest who happens to be middle-aged and a Māori man, and this is their love story". And it is so goddamn neurodivergent

[naranjapetrificada]

Director's Cut: Cornerstone? (in particular, what broke the seal on writing fic at all after a decade?)

Apologies for not getting this out sooner but the bastard app ate my first draft of this post. There are two answers to this question, one of them quite straightforward and the other less so.

The straightforward answer: one day I wrote some meta, and the next morning my brain was still turning it all over enough that I started thinking about the details. Specifically what Ed would be thinking about, and about the ADHD experience of sex which can be frustrating, especially in emotionally fraught times.

I may or may not have been reading a lot of canon divergent first time fics at the time, and while Ed certainly experiences powerful emotions in those scenarios, things are understandably much thornier in post season 1 pre season two fics where there's so much more broken between the two of them. So I was thinking about being in that headspace and how Ed might be worrying about missing stuff while it was happening and trying to be present in a way that's an ADHD struggle.

The less straightforward answer: I guess if all of the above was like, what was fueling it all, the question of why now after a decade is because the stars aligned in such a specific way. Naturally there's just the source material itself, which is so inherently compelling to so many people that lives are literally changed by it. In fact, for folks reading along, some of the earliest conversations I had with question asker here were about all the grief stuff the show was dredging up (enough to have its own dedicated tag). I actually think the breaking point that got me to write this fic goes all the way back to my very first posts on here.

This show and its fanworks began to pull emotions out of me that I hadn't experienced in a long, long time, and got me thinking in ways and about stuff I never had before. Even with a lot of personal baggage around writing (which is too big to get into here), reading and writing and metaphor are how I understand the world. I'd been reading loads of fic and meta in the weeks before I created this account (initially succumbing to tumblr's sign-in wall) and after realizing I needed somewhere to put all these feelings I was having, I started making actual posts.

So lots of meta. And I love writing meta! But it wasn't scratching every itch, not with the kind of minute detail that I wanted, or not from the perspectives I felt like I needed to. There were always going to be things I couldn't explore through meta, and despite my personal history with trying to write fiction it was really inevitable that I'd end up writing something, since I couldn't let go of all the topics I was turning over in my head.

So all that, plus I got lucky with images. I've talked before about how all my one-shots feel like they were written with the part of my brain that writes poetry instead of prose, by which I mean they're born of an emotion and an image hitting me with a finite kind of urgency. The image, which I later remembered encountering in (among other places) an Assassin's Creed fic I'd read a few years back, was about the inherent collective nature of cathedrals. How they require enormous coordination to build in the first place and constant maintenance afterwards.

Which like, small digression but remember the Notre Dame fire from a million years ago? Intellectually I knew it would be fine, especially because no one was hurt, and since it was in western Europe they'd have funds for the repairs in no time. And also fuck the Catholic Church and basically everything they've done since oh, the First Crusade? The Great Schism? When Paul decided to go preaching to the gentiles? But like, at some point during all of it I cried, and at first I couldn't figure out why, but then I remembered stuff I'd read about workers putting bits of themselves into cathedrals. Like stone masons chiseling stuff onto the inner-facing parts of stones that no one else would see almost like individual offerings, which is such a goddamn human thing to do that it overwhelms me. Anything that extremely human, that connects us across time and space and even reminds me of time as an extant concept gets the existential tears flowing.

So yeah, all of that coupled with the cathedral-as-their-relationship image and it was truly inevitable. And at the time I had complete faith that if it happened again (which it did), nothing I wrote would ever be longer than 3000 words. We see how well that that worked out.

Ask me for director's commentary on my fics!