#its fun and im tired of pretending its not
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me vs my need to make a ship name out of everything
#admin talks#its fun and im tired of pretending its not#calling ona and salma salmona#ona and aitana are aitona
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killer being like "yeah i know every single little thing about horror and dust" (because he watches them as a part time hobby (freak) (find something better to do)) and then he acts surprised when they do something that he wouldnt expect them to do in his little predetermined absolutely perfect concept of them
like what do you MEAN horror licks spoons clean when he's using them so he doesn't have to get a completely different one for the main course and the dessert. what do you MEAN dust has a lisp even though he speaks fluently and uses even more complex words than killer himself. horror knows how to sew and he often patches up their things without either of them noticing?? dust always wears oversized and clothes that cover him up just because he finds it comfy?? what??? out ra geous???? these guys have small little quirks to them that killer doesn't already know about???? killer immediately wants to know more. so he can expand his internal profile of them of course. not for any other more endearing and sweet reason. not at all,,,,,,,, (:3)
#AASHSHAHHHHH this one is so cute....... this thought. thank you brain for making this thought#it's like killer's experiencing sonder (except he's not aware of his own complexity of life because of his own derealization/personalizatio#actually i dont think this deserves to be a side blog post. this is too damn CUTE#at first the 2 were probably weirded out by killer watching them and now they probably dgaf...... killer comments less than youd expect#but now theyre used to his shit so they do all these tiny things that killer gets to pick up on and learn more about them#its so interesting...... killer can do as much reasoning as he can to try and find a logical reason for why they do these little things#but in the end if the real reason is just because they wanted to or they felt like it then how can killer comprehend that?#how can they just do that so easily and choose to do things based off a whim instead of having a calculated precise reason for personal gai#he wouldnt realize it on his own but noticing those little things coming fron horror and dust who used to be like him could help with the#everything is just a game and i am simply an avatar and the ultimate goal is the win aka be the most powerful#for dust and horror theyve already turned their consoles off. theyre out of their games theyve finished. their goal was just to beat it#(like if horrortale finally got the good ending it deserves because of aliza horror would have finished#if dust beat the player and due to extreme boredom (ITS GOTTA BE EXTREME EXTREME) decides to leave to explore the multiverse)#in killer's eyes theyve achieved their goals. but killer's still playing his game. maybe he IS the game. but eitherway he's not done#like they r. so taking into consideration how other versions of himself act when theyre finished with the game could he act like that 2??#did HE also finish his game and he never realized it? should he be basing these ideas off dust and horror when theyre kinda not the same gu#killer would find so many hoops to jump through to justify getting rid of the everything is a competitive game idea but there would be smth#IDK im just rambling. i gawt this idea from me imagining them fight. ya you wouldnt believe this sweet thing came from trio abuse :3#killer psychoanalyzing dust and horror is one of my favorite things eva. horror would HATE IT (if he were aware#and dust would totally be freaked out and keep to himself incase killer's planning anything against him#but uaaaghhh pretend this isnt canon this is triglycercule's ideal little world where they explore the mv and have fun#killer watching dust and horror sleep because he doesnt feel tired while theyre all in bed#and he's just picking up on how theyre positioned. how they breathe. the little things.......... djdjshahahaaahsushdjwbdsn ssosooooo cuuut#tricule hc#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#dare i say mtt poly. ok i dare say it. but like lowkey he'd do this whether theyre together or not...... killers just weird like that......
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they put some shit in that new space marine game that had me like "ok fine i'll start actually reading about 40k lore after yrs of putting it off" and now im sitting here making ocs. as usual
#wh40k#tarivan#i cant rlly pretend i have much planned for him Or for other half formed ideas i have for 40k ocs BUT!#i had fun drawing him :) which was sorely needed tbqh#idk if ill finish the colored illustration . i might just get bored. who knows. im kinda tired of rendering rn#im getting that itch of anxiety that someones gonna get mad at me for not being lore compliant enough but#->redirecting you to the established “i had fun” part of these tags#i dont think i found a single img of a librarian with a helmet that Wasn't like. the primaris librarian mini.#which i kinda copied for this. BUT ITS OK! its my toys
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gonna vent for a sec but im so tired of this "don't wanna be an inconvenience", people pleasing shit ngl.....do people who do this know that they just come off as really rude and like... it just feels insulting each time
#idk it's so upsetting and discouraging im really tired of it#like bro.... everyone can see what you're doing and#you doing it just communicates that you think im a fucking awful person#if im going to be fine with like someone... putting themselves down for the sake of others#or denying help because thay dont want to be an inconvenience#it just feels rude#if you don't think that i genuinely want to help you#if you think that I'm just fucking pretending or whatever then why are you even here I don't want#a friend who thinks these thoughts about me xd#like#how many times do i have to assure someone#i just feel like shit#it really just feels so shittyyyyyyy#comeonnnnn#people can SEE you people pleasing and doing all that shit#and everybody fucking hates it#it just makes me super uncomfortable and i know it also makes other ppl i know very uncomfortable also#on one hand I don't wanna mention anything to this person because trauma is trauma what the fuck am i#supposed to do about that its just a trauma response but god i have feelings too#i want that person to also consider me because it feels so awful it just taints every single interaction#because it makes me feel like they think im some awful person who's going to be fine#with them carrying all their stuff even though i offered like 5 times and them just pushing themselves aside so i have space#even though im offering to share#AURGHH#it feels so bad#i feel like this every time i spend time with this person or any other person who does this that i know enough to like#recognize the behavior#idk im just tired I can't be putting all my effort#into reassuring every single step it's just sucking all fun out of everything we do together it just feels like shit whatever
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i think ppl who are super online or into fandom should watch/read/etc something without ever touching fandom discourse or making aus or shipping characters just like every once in a while
#this isn’t a diss at shipping or aus#i participate in that sometimes#and its fun#im mostly saying like#sometimes people seem to get way too engrossed in the idea of fandom to the point its not even about enjoying the source material atp#and it also seems to result in fans acting like the creators of things have some obligation#to keep in mind a fandom or how a fandom would feel ab their thing#and i think that’s a stupid mindset#a writer should not be like i better specify this specific thing so there’s not meaningless discourse about it on tumblr!#☀️🌈🔥#i just think it’s not particularly good to get really into a fandom of anything and everything you consume#mostly bc of the way fandoms are nowadays#also maybe i’m a bit tired of seeing really good series/whatever turned into au/shipping fodder and nothing else#if you’re going to do that at least pretend you like the source material outside of the character designs#idk im rambling i might make this a more cohesive post later lawl
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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More familial posting. He's like a squeaky toy to me
(also the reference in the first doodle) ↓↓↓
#self insert#homestuck#dave strider#davesprite#my art#yomiel (sona)#thatse my favorite bird :] specialest guy in my heart#specialist bird who is neon orange fuck everyones eyes forever#this familial f/o shit is awesome now i understand my s/i mutuals i should do this more often /lh SDKLFMDKLS#indulgin a bit with some hcs(?) of mine related to the lil man. like the cut eyebrow and tired eyes (im very original)#i am not immune to funnie trope of character that has their eyes covered/hidden actually had pretty eyes all along#if you get the cinnamon thing i'll love you forever btw#character development or whatever the fuck 💥#im not gonna even pretend i can do the homestuck coloring ÑSDLKFJKLDS#that said coloring like this fun. gotta thank brogatory/turnstechgodhead for the inspo. watchin zir streams was nice#as well as bdhs blogs in general. i've known about them for ages but its cool to see there are still a thing to this day#also HS in spanish always felt different to me while reading it. it's a different fun vibe imo i wish i could make yall feel it how i do
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this picrew was so cute for bb io
#i do picrews when im too tired to draw#also its just a fun one in general people make ur ocs#kiwi.txt#theyre an elf but pretend theyre a bug
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i could have haters stone me in the streets for this but some of the new spock/tos crew show content is good and im tired of people dismissing it as bad when they never engaged with it genuinely.
#like am i completely pleased? of COURSE not#and i havent watched more than a bit of snw yet i will admit GDSLFHSD this is mostly about disco#and the actors in general. bc is that guy leonard nimoy? no!!! does he bring something unique and fun to spock? yes!#yes it would be better if he had eyeshadow. no i dont think hes disrespecting the pure and angelic vision of spock.#anyway michael and spock disco revolutionized the world. siblings of ALLL TIMEEEEE. and im tired of pretending they arent.#personal /#do u know what it meant to me to see spock the smartest character of all time be represented with learning disabilities and psychosis.#did you even watch the scene where he and michael say goodbye. the ones where they struggle under the weight of their father's desires.#where they sacrifice little bits of themselves for each other and still feel awful. and its not even their fault.#some of it was cheesy and dumb or weird but. all star trek is. come the fuck on.
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i wish more ppl should be willing to approach viktor/jayce through league w/t arcanes influences... its such a different form of love and history that gets scrubbed away by forcing league n arcane into the same timeline (also does the same back to arcanes setup!) when the two should be getting equal care and effort put in not just bc like leagueverse is just older meaner one note versions of more fleshed out characters n arcanes 'fixing them' or whatever i see a lot... let them be different. increase the vkjc biodiversity in the process.
#bc i do get tags like this way too often n its kindve disheartening. my league fanart isnt only worthwhile if you can pretend its arcane#jayce giopara isnt only worthwhile if you think hes jayce talis etc etc#does a disservice to the writing in arcane too bc they went to a lot of effort to change the story#n regardless of thoughts on it changing it to fit into a framework that will not exist ever for it just is making everything soooo boring#also i just need more league only viktor n jayce i love seeing ppls interpretations! have fun!!#im v tired so i could def word this more coherently later but eh
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#ngl. im really tired of being brave#of having to be clever and witty in the face of people who want to hurt me#and other people thinking its funny or cool#its not fun. im not having fun. im anxious all the time#i cant eat solids much anymore because im so anxious all the fuckin time#and its just about wearing a fucking mask#but people take it so personal#and to be honest i have thin skin. i just pretend to have thick skin#but i come home and fall apart and sit staring for hours unable to process anything because im not safe anywhere#but i just have to ignore it. because there's consequences for trying to stand up for yourself in the hellscape i live in#like getting fucking shot#so i get to be quiet and clever and pretend like nothing's wrong#i dont get a sense of superiority about wearing a mask. im just fucking tired and i dont want my sister to die#i dont know if i would care if i died to be honest. i think it might bum out some friends#and i would like to do some things before then#but my coworkers already think im dying so
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the good thing about asperger's no longer being a diagnosis is that it's just called level 1 autism spectrum disorder now. i know i probably shouldn't be poking around in the mental health of strangers online, but as an autistic person myself, your struggles resonated with me. ever since i've been able to accept, understand, and begin to provide myself accommodations for my autism, my mental health has improved tremendously. autism is also co-morbid with oodles of other conditions, so it is definitely possible to have autism and other conditions that may have overlapping symptoms
It's funny, I was diagnosed, accepted it, over analyzed and rejected it, subsequently forgot about it entirely, then when the only helpful counselor I ever had brought up the idea I was like: Oh yeah! That makes sense. And went through the same process over again. I will say, having someone point out that something might be inhibiting my ability to interact with people was extremely helpful. Because I just thought I was really bad at it and processed it as a point of failure (which was intolerable). At one point she said "You don't have to do things you don't want to just because you feel like you should" and I think about that a lot. That should have been obvious but it was like she slapped me with a fish
#i used to pretend to be a person a lot more. now im just like im too fucking tired to not be anything but myself#ill wear whatever weird patterns i want. ill avoid all eye contact and say whatevers in my head. bc usually its nothing#harmful. perhaps a bit blunt but usually in a way thst makes ppl laugh. with me or at me idk but whatever#ill be as weird as i want. i wear fucking white moon boots around everywhere lol. ay now im just being defensive bc#these r the things my sister would make fun of me for lol. point is im probably autistic and overthinking it#but in the past few yeas when the obsessive compulsive behavior started to become a more and more obvious problem i was like hm maybe its#something else and my brain restricts even the words i use in the context i use them so i became no longer allowed to say oh yea im#autistic. which is annoying. thr malignant force that is my obsessive compulsive tendencies. which again im not allowed to name bc its not#allowed without an official diagnosis bc thats how my brain work 👍#level 1 autism sounds Hilarious tho. the teired heavens of autism. ive only ascended to level 1. allegedly.#god. my brain. y do i have to plausible deniability myself. its like im waiting for someone to collect evidance and make an arrest bc of#messy liguistics. ay ay ay. there r 2 wolfs inside me. one is trying to drown the other lol#unrelated#me when i have to b around ppl: actually im an insect person. an alien studying humans. watch them go#but no no im not one of them. im simply an observer
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the fact ingesting information can be so exhausting. 0/10
#beef trimmings#FIRST DAY DONE#I wrote down so many notes my hand hurts and im so fucking exhausted lol#😭 this yr fr tho academic weapon over here im gonna stay on top of this#i have 2 roommates to keep me accountable!!#and also its big part of the grade so I HAVE TO KEEP ON TOP OF ITTTT#RESEARCH AND WRITING BABEY LETS GO THIS IS MY YEAR#THIS IS MY COMEBACK#12 YEARS OF SCHOOL DIDNT MANAGE TO INSTILL THE ABILITY TO TAKE NOTES AND STUDY#BUT 3RD YEAR OF UNIVERSITY THIS IS IT WE GOT THIS ITS COMING TOGETHER#< i am hyping myself up i am so tired rn but if I pretend like its fun and engaging maybe I can make it through this
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happy one year anniversary of My Mum Saying The Worst Part Of My Grandma's Funeral Was Not Burying Her But The Fact That I Was There And She Wished I Hadn't Gone To The Funeral At All to me
#(my mum forgot/moved on from this in like a month and has since pretended it never happened - so thats also fun)#personal#vent#so i guess it's kind fitting that this year im sat alone#crying#trying to work out whether my sister is gonna feel worse if i go to her bday thing or if i dont#and its all my fault because i dont drive#but theres no winning#i didnt look at trains bc my mum told my sister she would pick me up#then mum called and said she cant pick me up (i said this would happen last week)#so i tried looking up trains but theres a fucktonne of engineering works this weekend#and my sister is out this evening so i couldnt call them so i tried messaging to meet at theirs tmr morning to get a lift#and they just said they want tomorrow to be a nice chill day and that we can do something another time if im going to be stressed or grumpy#and now i cant tell if they dont want me there and just dont want to say or what#im just so tired of being unloveable and having to pretend like i dont notice or care that i am#(i guess at least this is happening now and not next week when i have a 2 day heart monitor#bc this would be fucking with those results)
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Well now I absolutely have to know what character you were wrong about
the good old days of almost 6 months ago when this was still kind of a joke <333
#honestly i could probably point to several characters in multiple games#i did not spend 2 years with destiny brainrot just to not come out of it with Helmet Disease#i have said things i am not proud of. i have thought things i am even less proud of. but im sick of pretending#decided 'thats a problem for another time' forgot about it and then he showed up again and i.#irreversibly changed by watching mads mikkelsen hannibal.#lost it. a little bit. just a little.#but the real brainrot didnt happen until i was done with catching up on msq and i could finally put the intense zenos fixation to resg#which didnt help because now i am back to being insufferable about old men. anyway#fun fact to find this i searched 'kinda' in the gc#and. um. the message before this one. from a day earlier. was 'why does he kinda look like sexy colonel sanders'. about cid#pov i didnt start taking the story seriously until heavensward#AND its only gotten worse now that brainrot is the only thing dragging me through daily msq roulettes#ALL THAT SAID. shaxx destiny is still my wife and the only character with an iconic helmet ever. goodnight#also ignore the username its matching with someone and it was a joke except they havent been online in ages and i miss them#sick and tired of pretending like he isnt one of my favorite characters#do i still have my post sb reaction. i dont know. im gonna go look for it <3
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and you will listen to my halfway unmixed vocal synth covers. you will. my final message (dies in your arms)
all the virvox guys in voicevox humming! yume no tobira piano ver vsqx by leah ocarina and the instrumental is by 友紀!
#wip#vocal synth#voicevox humming#i will never stop posting unfinished covers!!!! never!!!!!#hfkjdjgskfdsd in my defense its because i get like 90% done a cover pretty fast#and then that last 10% takes me MONTHS HDJFKSJFS#and i have a feeling im gonna be messing around with these dynamics for. a while LOL#so listen to how it is now~ its not bad for someone who doesnt know what they're doing <3#i think some love live songs might be particularly good for voicevox humming like specifically the more 00s idol-y sounding ones#like some earlyish u's ones and such. because like theyre great and fun songs but theyre also#like less focused on super fancy voicework and more focused on like. charm. probably because they werent sure if it the#franchise was even gonna take off that much at the time and they were working with limited budgets and just kinda#figuring it all out? obvs there was so much talent front the get go. but in different areas#dance comedy acting singing pr etc. some vocalists had a lot of experience and some didnt have as much#so theres like this like. charmingly clumsy edge to some of the songs. less worry about pure vocal talent#and more focus on sounding like ur a cute anime character having the time of ur life LOL#in general thats been a big focus of the sound of the franchise -> sounding like ur having fun and#filled with passion above all else. which is why i think these songs might work for these guys pretty well!#(although u can definitely hear the noise. and how much these guys HATE su zu and tsu HJKSHJDS they're doing their best)#my beloved off-key makeshift boyband LOL you have to be nice to them. they're speaking synths pretending to be singing synths <3#dont ask how the lyrics about youth (seishun) pertain to the 50 year old man. its okay. dont bother him#also no tuning credits cuz. u cant tune in voicevox. so its all just the program LOL i thought about doing pitch correction#in fruity loops or smthng but i am le tired so i didnt <3 its part of the charm i say now. its the charm#i did go in and mess with the vsqx to change the timing and lengths of different syllables five separate times tho LOL#but thats because there are 5 dudes and i did Not want them to sound TOO much like theyre playing back the same midi 5 whole times#even tho thats what they are doing. you know how it is with this stuff HJKSHJKFDS
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