#its blurry af i know

[kuvvydraws]

Oo? What's this about Vernid Ocs?

Indeed! I got three of them Beliazal, Jiri and Maelum (who is some sort of semi-sona)

And I just realized out of them Maelum is the only one I posted, with the other two being only half referenced in that huge sheet of ocs I was making weeks ago - and which will be posted on April 30th

Regardless, they exist!!

[technicalgator]

WHY IS TUMBLR SUDDENLY EATING UP THE QUALITY OF ME AN MY MUTUAL’S ART THAT IVE SEEN RAAAAAAA

they’re literally so blurry and/or pixilated what the shit-

[the-mechanisms-system]

oh my god it feels so good to know who i am after a few weeks of blurriness

i feel solid in my Self again everything is great

[amywritesthings]

silver underground. | chapter 21

( Read on AO3 )

Pairing: levi ackerman x f!reader (attack on titan / shingeki no kyojin) Word Count: 3.8k Summary: day 163 - also know as the day your world changed Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI - mentions of violence, death, bloodshed; miscommunications; amnesia trope; angst af

Previous Chapter. / Next Chapter. | Masterlist.

CHAPTER 21

Bergamot. 

He smells like fresh dirt and home and bergamot.

A pair of arms cocoon around you, holding you in place. Cradling the back of your head, lifting it from touching the ground, is a strong palm. 

Sounds of the outside world are muffled; distant.

Here all you can hear is the wild thumping of your heart, your blood strongly coursing through your veins.

I am alive.

I am alive.

I am alive.

The crash happened so fast—

Falling from the sky. Sliding across the forest floor. Rolling over and over and over—

Until your body stopped abruptly against a cushion of muscle.

When the dust cloud settles, when the fog fades into vapor, you open your eyes.

Shades of deep, vertical brown overtake your vision. It's so vibrant, familiar yet new. For what feels like hours you stare at a small bug, a speckled ladybug, crawling in circles until it decides to head north.

With each passing exhale your attention travels with it �� up, up, up — when causation connects:

One of the mighty tree trunks of the forest broke this violent fall.

(But not just for you — he was the one to take the brunt of the damage.)

He...

When your lips part, your mouth is dry.

Constricted, confused lungs try for their very first breath.

Inhale.

Breathe.

Stay with me.

But that isn't your voice; not in your mind's eye.

Blurry images flash along your vision, sprinkling red, black, and silver against the brush and trees of the forest.

No matter how many times you blink, squeeze, tear up, the visuals scatter like materialized pins and needles.

They won't go away. They clip to your peripheral, forcing you to confront what's ahead.

Nothing is linear. Nothing is clear.

Nausea, relief, uncertainty, rage — these emotions assault your senses. Emotions. Mind.

It’s like waking up after a horrible dream.

One you’ve been kicking and screaming to leave the minute it started.

Let me out.

The freefall plays over and over, a never-ending loop of sickening weightlessness, without a means to jolt yourself awake.

Let me out, let me out, let me— 

Something mirrors your heart beat and fractures in its own rhythm, pounding erratically against your chest.

Your heart still beats, but not as panicked — not as heavy — as this.

As... his.

Him — the one who broke your fall.

(Levi.)

Without thinking, your trembling hand rises past his ribcage, up his arm, to his fingers resting on your trembling shoulder.

Then you realize it isn't your body that's shaking.

It's Levi's.

Quivering like a leaf, gasping for breath as if he’s run a marathon. 

He doesn’t move. He’s frozen in time, right where you left him.

(I’m sorry.)

Over and over, you replay precious seconds in the back of your mind — fractured memories you’ve only just begun to uncover.

Falling.

Darkness. 

(James? James, shit, wake up—)

A voice crack.

Hopelessness.

Instinctively your arms surround him, as if dissolving him into your very pores will somehow help with the confusion in your gut. 

Even when your fingers raise hire on your shoulder to glide along his, he doesn’t relax. 

If anything, his ivory muscles forge into steel.

Prepared, like you’re the enemy.

They do not soften when your fingers curl, timid and experimental, around his hand for reassurance.

(Wake up.)

They do not yield when you exhale, slow and steady.

They do not rest when you squeeze, as if to offer a sign of life.

(Please, James, don’t do this to—)

“Levi.”

Two syllables — you murmur his very name, realizing the severity of all that you’ve missed.

The dampness of the Underground City right above your heads;

The heat of the sun on a riverbank of the surface;

The light of the morning, just outside an open window, glittering over a bare shoulder;

All puzzle pieces, scattered across a large table.

They fit together in a way — you just need to figure out where.

When you inch your face away from his body, you see it: those blue-gray eyes, pupils dilated and whites wide, staring straight through you.

(As though lost in another time, in the same nothingness you’d lost yourself in for months.)

His chest heaves in and out, trying to catch a breath that just won’t come.

Wretched, heavy gasps contain the fear.

The panic.

All while reliving, too.

“Levi?” you ask once more, softer this time.

A sharp battle cry sounds above your heads. You glance high to witness the silhouette of Petra flying through the canopy of trees with a trail of steam behind her, swords extended.

The titan has been defeated. 

The forest floor quakes and shivers with its demise.

Except that isn’t how the mission happened last time.

The realization is a chilling thought creeping, infecting, the back of your mind as you return your attention to the captain in front of you.

“Levi.” 

You urge firmer this time, but it’s no use.

Levi Ackerman continues to stare ahead, but he blinks. Rapid fire, as if trying to return to his body.

This face.

You gravitate towards this face that consumes every waking dream you’ve ever had.

Caging his face between your palms, you finally snap with a command.

“Levi, look at me.”

His gray eyes shoot down, catching yours, and your entire world feels warm again.

The light in a never-ending darkness.

Your past is your present and your present tumbles into your past.

An undiscovered constellation of points in your memory that haven’t quite lined up yet, but him…

All you know is that you have missed him, this incorrigible man, lying beside you.

And all this time, it is Levi Ackerman that holds the frame of the puzzle you have been trying to solve.

Instinctively your thumbs run along his cheekbones, causing his eyes to grow impossibly wider.

Unwise, perhaps, but the softened motion brings you comfort unlike anything else, tethering bits and pieces together in the mind by touch alone.

Bits and pieces, to bigger pictures —

You — a nobody from the Underground City, meant to die by the hands of greed and saved by ones of promise.

You — a formidable fighter, a friend, a colleague, a lover.

You — Lieutenant James, member of the Special Operations squad in the Survey Corps.

Maybe you don’t have the whole story yet, but whoever she is… whoever you are…

She’s supposed to be right here.

Levi’s eyes flutter over your face as if to search for injury or damage, but he doesn’t remove his arms from your body. The captain continues to cradle you as if you'll disappear, dissolve, into the mist that swallows your very waking daydreams.

So you lean closer, murmuring just under your breath with pure wonder.

Recognition.

“I know you.”

‘You know me.’

You recall standing right in front of him months ago, begging in a stable.

Those fateful few months before you really knew how close you were to the truth.

'You know me, but you won’t help me. Why?’

That doubt on his face, deeply ingrained in curbed expectations.

It's a memory you haven’t been able to shake, not since you awoke from the hospital.

Now it twists into something much darker.

‘Because you finally have an out.’

Profound sadness infects your stomach when one jagged edge aligns with another.

The memory, fresh as morning dew on a weed, sprouts before your very eyes.

Yes, you do know him.

Yes, he wouldn’t help you.

Because you’ve been down this road before.

But not like this.

Not wrapped up like two star crossed lovers.

(That’s why you hate me.)

— suddenly your back meets the ground.

A pair of hands abruptly push you, knocking you down to the forest floor with a whoosh of a small oof from your lungs.

Your eyes connect with the bright blue sky, the twinkling of green leaves, the expanse of a bird's wing flying high above.

I know this place.

Why can't you say it out loud?

In a hasty cloud of dust, Levi's boots keep up dirt as he scrambles off of you.

To steady himself, his pale palm presses to the tree trunk. He heaves once, twice, before exhaling fully.

Breath finally returns to his body. What once was pale now has color.

When you eventually turn your gaze to him, he glares directly at you, but it isn’t cruel.

Feral, maybe, and diluted in his own confusion, but not cruel.

(You’d never witnessed someone so beautiful in your life.)

In a new light, you finally see him — a mirror image of two worlds, old and new. Of what your body misses to its very core. Of what your mind wants to remember, to know as intimately as it once did.

Slowly you roll to your belly and push up with your arms. You draw up on one knee, your hand instinctively raising to graze your neck.

There.

The silver pendant, tiny and profound, remains intact. 

The fall didn’t destroy it.

Immense relief floods your system, and your fingers cradle it like a lifeline.

'You don’t own anything. Now you do.'

That melodic baritone guides your ghost of a hand, adhering one more piece to the puzzle.

A fuller frame.

All you want to do is run to him, speak to him, hear his voice, but all you can do is watch as he cycles through the motions of getting his shit together.

Struggling through stages of anger, betrayal, relief, and longing — 

Before addressing you as Captain Levi would.

Because he doesn’t know.

He didn’t hear.

(You didn't say.)

“Are you out of your mind?”

An ironic question, all things considered. 

Your lips part to answer, but his finger raises to warn against that judgment.

A curtain of dark fringe hangs over his eyes, shoulders heaving.

“Direct insubordination against your superior,” he spits, but the edge to his voice is frayed.

He’s barely hanging on by mere threads. You want to knit them back together so badly.

“And endangering the entire squad–”

“Levi—"

“Oluo would have been fine, but you? You weren’t ready.”

Standing on both feet now, you ignore the dirt and debris on your white uniform and take a step forward in earnest. 

“Levi, if you would just—”

“I didn’t ask you to speak, James.”

His bark is as cold as ice, causing you to stop your pleas right in their tracks.

Your own wide eyes stare at him as he reprimands you, seemingly unhinged by what has transpired.

Your mouth shuts into a thin line, willing yourself to hear him out.

To hear him.

Piece by piece, the image fills—

“Commander Erwin was wrong to put you back in the Scouts," Levi growls. It’s spoken as if to convince himself of that very truth. “Abandoning your horse, defying my orders, acting without any regard for your fellow squad mates—”

He seethes, a flicker of rage fluttering across his face.

“—the recklessness of your actions could have cost not only your life, but the lives of my squad.”

“Our squad,” you correct boldly without realizing you’ve said the words out loud.

Wrong answer. His anger only grows.

“My,” he corrects viciously, “squad. You are a—”

“—Lieutenant, which is practically the same rank as you,” you blurt with your own anger, the adrenaline flushed through your veins as newfound familiarity seeps into your veins. "The titles don't mean anything. It's just shit made up for people like us."

“Excuse me?” he growls, and you don’t let up.

“And I know Commander Erwin has always favored you more, but you only pull ahead of me by two goddamn months in the Scout Regiment,” you desperately rasp, the excitement too great, “so shut the hell up and listen to me, Levi Ackerman, because I know you.”

Exhaling your frustrations in heavy heaps, you refuse to cower.

There is no reason to fear this man. There never was.

"I know you," you repeat, defeated.

As if you've confessed at the foot of his altar.

Levi, despite all of his anger, turns his chin sideways with a growing bewilderment. 

Now that you speak, you can see the dots connecting behind his very eyes. 

All you can do is hope — all you have is hope.

When he doesn't say anything, you step forward and continue.

"This whole time. This entire time you've tried... you tried to shut me out because you knew that if you did, I'd walk away."

"What?" Finally, he speaks, but his voice drops with caution.

"You said you wouldn't shut me out."

"And I didn't."

"But you wanted to give me an out, right?" you remind. "That's what you told me the day in the stables at the cadet camp."

His teeth grit. "I told you—"

"That day, you agreed to give me a second chance, but you hoped I'd get too scared in the forest and run the other way. Except I've seen things and—"

That grit dies instantly. "Wait, seen things?"

"Yes, I've seen pieces, Levi," you admit. "Pieces."

"Of—?"

"Us. Of my life." Your fire dies. "Of our life."

His jaw clenches so hard that his teeth could shatter.

Your shoulders drop, defenseless. Your hand touches the back of your head, trying to feel for where you might have hit it on the ground back then.

"You ran from me in that hospital in Trost when I woke up. You saw I couldn't remember you right away, so you thought..."

A small laugh of relief exits your mouth before you can stop it.

There are so many black spots in your mind's eye, but…

His face paves the way.

Four hearts, staring up at a skyless night; now only two remain.

"Damn it, you really thought I would never remember you when you were my entire life."

Falling.

All you’ve ever done is fall.

On your back, as a child in those fighting rings in the Underground City.

On your side, struggling to learn the inner workings of stolen ODM gear while a rambunctious boy with ash-blonde hair laughs to the sky.

On your front, when two strong arms pulled you on top of him, lips crashed to yours.

Yet Levi always held out his hand and picked you up.

Now his fists are translucent, tight at his sides, as your eyes meet.

“And so you pushed me around in hopes that I'd leave you here," you conclude sadly, "all while you blamed yourself for the rest of your days for my mistake — right?”

It’s as if you’ve confessed you’re a titan in the flesh.

Levi staggers back, the clink of his ODM gear rattling as he moves.

His eyes flutter all over your face, studying, searching—

“What the hell are you saying?” the captain croaks, unlike himself.

He stares, clearly waiting for the final blow, like you hold his entire life in the palm of your hand.

Oluo and Petra are somewhere.

And wherever they are means Gunther and Eld are likely not far behind.

They’ll approach at any moment to regroup with the Captain.

But you need him to understand—

Levi's jaws clenches again; an overwhelming flurry of emotion settling on his tongue.

He looks two seconds away from detonating.

"What did you remember?" his voice cracks, the facade shattering. "Just say it, damn it, what the fuck did you remem—"

“James!”

The panicked voice of Oluo shouts from the sky.

Petra follows not long after, attaching to the base of the tree trunks to softly find a landing on her feet.

The rest of the squad follow suit, eyes wide.

“Whoa, are you alright?” Oluo repeats, rushing forward. “The hell just happened out there?”

“Her gear got caught,” Petra replies with equal urgency. “I saw it when Captain Levi took off after you two.”

“Her gear?!” Oluo yelps.

The two of them rush over while their hands reach out, swiping your emerald cloak up and away.

They duck their attention to the gear to assess the damage.

The ODM canisters don’t look particularly busted, but the wire dangles helplessly without its spike.

You note just how nervous everyone looks.

Because everyone knows the story, you realize deep in your belly.

The story where a member of the Levi Squad fought titans and got her gear stuck, resulting in a catastrophic head injury where her memories were no more.

The one where they nearly lost one of their elite, only to result in that woman becoming a completely blank slate.

Someone that they'll never get back.

Except she's screaming in your head, slamming against your skull.

I'm here! I'm here, don't you see? I'm still here!

Eld and Gunther quickly descend next, their feet pattering with the quickness towards where you stand.

The squad surrounds you with a million questions, checking your head should there be damage.

Petra even places a gentle hand on your heart, but it’s hammering.

Alive.

Levi says nothing, does nothing; his chin ducks to his emerald collar, allowing his squad to have their time.

“You scared the shit out of us,” Gunther admits with a sigh.

“The hell were you thinking?�� Eld adds.

You sheepishly shake your head, eyes still attached to Levi. “I-I wasn’t—”

“I had it, James,” Oluo counters, cutting you off. “I had that titan. You didn’t need to go back for me and almost risk your damn life.”

“Hate to say it, but I agree with Oluo,” Petra replies with a soft sigh, before pulling you in for a small hug. Your arms remain lamely at your sides. “You didn't need to prove you were badass to us, alright? We know." She lets go. "How did you cut yourself loose?”

“She didn’t.”

Levi’s voice breaks through, stopping everyone in their tracks.

He turns on a heel away from the squad, head remaining in a bow, and walks in the direction they'd arrived from.

“I caught her.”

You note the changes in expressions on the rest of the squad's faces.

Recognition smooths over their tired lines, like the significance isn’t lost on them.

Suddenly they duck their chins, too, as if ashamed for gossiping.

Only you remain with your head up, eyes square on the captain.

He does not look your way.

“Outing’s over. We’ll just have to break Four Eyes’ heart and tell them we didn’t capture any of those bastards today.”

“But we didn’t even make it halfway through,” Eld starts, turning his boot towards the captain with surprise. “We can go further.”

"Wait, we managed to clear the forest?" you ask without thinking, causing Eld and Oluo to glance your way.

Oluo’s eyebrows slide high to his hairline.

Eld’s narrow to a point.

“It… was,” Eld slowly, carefully, explains, “but the mission you — the one that you — Wait.”

"People still made it to the other side after I fell?" you exhale.

They made it.

The Scouts managed to push to the end of the forest.

The mission wasn't all for nothing.

A flurry of confused relief floods your system, yet the squad looks at you with pure confusion.

“...none of us told her about the forest debrief from last year yet, did we?” Oluo inquires, pointing to Petra. “Hey, did you snitch?”

“Huh? Snitch?!” Petra yelps. “What the hell would I snitch about? It’s not like it's a secret to anyone here what went down.”

“Yeah, but she didn’t make it long enough to see the end of it,” Gunther replies, rubbing his chin between his thumb and index finger. “And we all agreed not to bring up said mission when she woke up until she was cleared by that doctor guy she saved.”

“Doctor?” you blurt under your breath, blinking. "That I...?"

That you saved…

Albeit foggy, you remember the other team that fateful day.

Miro squad. 

There were so many names, so much chaos…

You struggle to remember the finer details, but there was someone named Rini.

An older man — or did he just look weatherworn from war?

Was it the same man from Trost?

“Wait. James.” Petra rounds you, searching your face with budding excitement. “Do you remember the last mission you were on? Is that why you’re—”

“I said the outing’s over.”

Levi's command bites off her question, and Petra falters.

“I already have one shithead disobeying instructions. Is this going to become a trend?”

The squad goes silent, turning to their captain.

“Get the damn horses back,” the captain growls. “We’ll reconvene as a group back at headquarters. That’s an order.”

“Yes, sir,” they all respond in unison.

One after the other, they offer a look of condolences to you before ascending to the skies.

Leaving Levi and yourself to remain.

In the back of your mind, you remember the odds.

Forty to eighty.

The screams of terror.

The urgency to fly through the trees.

A formation of horses…

A corner of the puzzle is complete.

Help me.

Why won’t you help me?

“Levi?” you start, and you see his face flinch at your tone. “Can we talk?”

“Not here,” he replies curtly.

“But—”

“I said not here,” he grunts, turning his chin to regard you over his shoulder. “I’m not doing this here.”

When his eyes meet yours, they soften.

Apologetic.

As if he’s teetering on the brink of giving up completely.

“Go back to your quarters,” he urges. “Clear your head. Figure out if…”

Did his voice just crack again?

You can’t help but gravitate towards his orbit, boots gently stepping closer.

“...figure out if you mean it,” he finishes, stronger now. “If you really do remember — any of this. We'll reconvene and debrief back at headquarters, but I told you: I'm not feeding you our memories. If you think you know me, then say it with your whole damn chest and hold nothing back."

His chin drops, his black fringe falling over his eyes.

You can't see what he's thinking, how he's feeling, but the way his voice turns to a whisper breaks your heart.

"I can’t keep up with these false hopes anymore.”

The necklace on your sternum burns.

Although you have a million questions, a thousand apologies, a dozen pleas, and very few certainties, you say one thing in return.

"Yes, sir."

You both stand in silence, awaiting the horses.

He stares at the ground.

You continue staring at him.

I know you.

You're the only certainty I have.

Once the rest of the squad arrives, you mount your horse and keep formation.

The sun bursts free.

There are no more trees clouding your vision.

Ahead there is an expanse of grass, reclaimed by time.

(A new start.)

Levi Squad returns to headquarters without a casualty in tow.

.

[littleplantfreak]

Hobby headcanons

Not particularly hobbies they definitely have but one's I can see them enjoying

Nirei - I said it before but he's crafty. He'd like to make things for his friends and seems like he'd originally learned this stuff from either his grandparents or an elderly neighbor he was fond of. Sakura's Furin jacket button pops off? Give it to Nirei, he's re-stitched it on in minutes and it's stronger than before. One of Kotoha's new earrings broke a loop? He's got a set of jewelry pliers at home somewhere he can dig out for that. It calms him when he's at his most frazzled to work his hands on something for a bit so he has like 15 WIPs at once going on that he cycles through.

Sakura - Hiking! Not like the walking on a path hiking, but the full-body, climbing over and onto rocks, hiking up a mountain or across rivers hiking. It's physical, but not something he has to worry about learning, and it's not an activity he has to converse with someone during. The first time he makes it to the top of a mountain and just...sits and takes it in? A breath of fresh air doesn't begin to cover it. Takes blurry pictures of the animals he sees and sends it to his groupchat later with no explanation, leaving the rest of his friends baffled because he didn't even tell anyone he went hiking.

Kiryu - hummm I'm tied between nail care, and making cute crafts somewhat similar to Nirei. Like those cute marbley drink tumblers or those phone cases that look like a decorated cake that will absolutely not fit in a pocket but why would you wanna hide it anyways its cute af. He definitely knows how to give a good manicure and takes great care of his hands in general. I imagine whatever girl's nails he's working on, she's flustered unless she's got nerves of steel because the gentle, but firm way he works on each nail? The little hand massage he does to rub in the cuticle oil ( ˶ˆ꒳ˆ˵ ) how relaxing too.

Choji - Legos or origami or both! He'd leave little origami animals everywhere. Total cutie giving them to little kids he sees on the streets or at festivals. Really quick with it both in the time it takes to learn them and the time it takes to fold them. Also does one of those star jars that have an activity or something nice/motivational written on it.  His gang will make some to sneak into the jar, though you can tell right away from the unpracticed folding that Choji didn't make it. That just makes him happier though and he'll try and guess who wrote what. Loves to do legos on rainy days or when he's stuck inside when he gets a cold. Otherwise, he tends to do a bunch all at once and then leaves it unfinished for like 3 months.

[lalal-99]

of timeless love {h.j.} | track 1

©March 2023, February 2024 by lalal-99

Han Jisung x afab!reader | trope: slice of life, coming of age | word count: 2.6k

Synopsis: You and your annoyingly adorable boyfriend Jisung move off to university, to make new friends, find a calling and learn how to live on your own for the very first time in your lives.

Check Chapter Overview for complete list of warnings

Note: I first thought of this story about a year and a half ago. I didn't feel ready at the time, but as I got better over the years, I picked this story up again. Updates might be slow, so bear with me please

Tumblr works on a reblog system. Please consider reblogging this post so that it can reach more people. Thank you :)

Please don't flag as mature or repost this story - Thank You!

You, 6 years ago, wouldn’t have bought this romantic af, straight out of a fairy-tale storyline.

You going to University? With the love of your life? Like the picture-perfect couple, smiles glued to your face? Nuh-uh. Not you. Not in this lifetime and most likely not in the next dozen—if you ever were so unlucky.

Family, love, college. All of it was bullshit. Temporary.

Nothing good ever lasted. If anything, a dark twist was already lurking around the next corner at any given moment. You couldn’t imagine a dimension in which you were ever happy. Let alone content.

Your 14-year-old emo self would never grow out of the jet-black hair. Or the countless piercings decorating your face. Or those cole-coloured ripped skinny jeans you wore like a second skin. So much you knew. Past-you only ever wanted to gloom through life in a hazy blur. Depressed about My Chemical Romance breaking up and all the other hardships life had already put you through.

That girl would have despised who you had become. Hair grown back to its natural colour. Wearing shirts without some underground metal band’s logo printed on the front. That girl would have likely made fun of you for even thinking about grades. And your future? If you ever had one, your 14-year-old self knew it would include nothing but darkness and despair.

Every teenager around you went through that phase, though you were sure it was more than that. A phase. A short and survivable part of your story. You fully and whole-heartedly believed nothing would ever change about your attitude towards life. It couldn’t, not after everything that had happened.

Overcoming that horrible chapter of your life seemed unimaginable. That you even got the chance to reach out and grab your future by its horns only had one reason. One person who was to become the most meaningful part of your life. Of the same future, he was the reason you even considered having.

Han Jisung.

A boy of innocence and noisy introversion. A boy who, despite having lived through similar trauma as yourself, had a will for life toxic enough to capture you. A boy who you became sure was the closest thing to a soulmate you would ever find.

No one could have prepared you for how hard you’d fall for Jisung. You loved him at his best, worst, and everything between. And you had fallen in love with him despite his lousy sense of humour and silly persona. Or maybe, you had fallen for him because of it. Because he had a similar story to yours but an opposite look at it.

Your 14-year-old, always-depressed, doom-certain-self could have never imagined being with someone like him. Let alone being head-over.heels. All while doing what? Watching him do something so mediocre and none-life changing as buying toothbrushes?

“I don’t know. Which ones do you think?”

Jisung presented you two indistinguishable packs of toothbrushes, waking you from your daydream. Thus, the blurriness faded and your eyes focused on the tiny words on each cover.

“These,” you decided on the left option. “Those bristles are too hard for your gums.”

“Oh, we definitely can’t have that.” With a dramatically disgusted expression, he returned the wrong set to its place on the shelf. “I want to keep at least some of my teeth.”

“Thankfully,” you agreed with a snicker. His words cracked you up more than they should have.

No doubt, your 14-year-old self would have hated yourself six years later.

“Okay. What else is on that magic list of yours?”

“Microwave popcorn and some instant ramen. And we should get some notebooks and highlighters for tomorrow. That’s it.” You listed the remaining articles off the slip of paper while crossing out the products you had retrieved from the hygiene section. “Should we split up?”

“Nah. That’s how they die in horror movies. And I’m not going out in the food court of a 7/11.”

“Fair. How about the Back-to-School aisle then?”

Jisung pondered his reply as he wandered past toothpaste and mouthwash. “Too many pens for people to draw penises on my face. The cleaning section, however? That’s a whole other conversation.”

“How come?”

“Well, there’s bleach and mops already. Also, buckets. So they can simply wheel my corpse away.”

As you walked by the pasta and other canned foods, you picked up a tray of ramen each. For convenience, if anything. Had it not been for the thinness of your wallet, you would have gone for fresher produce. So much for independent living.

With an intensive focus on your absurd conversation—Jisung listing places he would most likely die in if he were a character in a horror movie—you didn’t notice a tray of stacked goods blocking the path. It wasn’t until you bumped your shin on the square-edged tower that you finally took notice.

As a wave of pain swallowed your leg, you left out a shriek. “Gosh freakin’ dang it!”

“You good, baby?” His concern was genuine, though he couldn’t help smiling at your desperate attempt not to swear. “Let me see.”

Jisung kneeled in front of you, noticing a reddening wound once he had dragged the jean fabric up your leg.

“Just a bruise.”

“Easy for you to say. You’re not the one feeling like your skin is being dragged off your flesh.”

“No. But I can make it better.”

He rose to his feet, arms hugging your frame as he picked you up without any effort. You giggled as he heaved you into the cart, careful not to squish the food.

“What are you doing?”

“No girlfriend of mine should have to walk when she’s in pain,” Jisung explained, helping you get settled. Pushing the crushable goods out of the way, you sat on the cans. Not the most comfortable seating, but it worked, nevertheless.

“Damn, those other girls are lu-cky.”

Jisung was pleased at how casually you had joined in on his joke. A smile formed on his lips as he pushed you along the shelves of seasonal produce.

You soon reached the Back-to-School aisle. There you took your sweet time deciding on notebook formats and highlighter colours. It kept surprising you how much fun it was to go grocery shopping when done with the right people. Everything was about 50 percent less boring because of Jisung. Jisung and his ability to find something ridiculous in anything and everything.

After you had made some other critical decisions—like which folders would make organising the year easiest, the ones with dogs or flowers in front—you finished up your school-supply-run.

When you reached the cash register, you noticed the strange looks the other customers gave you. Two young adults strolling through a supermarket, pushing each other in grocery carts? Definitely side-eye-worthy.

Maybe you would have cared more had you not been so enticed by Jisung’s mindless humming of Can’t Take My Eyes Off You.

“What?” Jisung questioned your glances as he started unloading the items from the cart.

“Nothing.” You joined him, unloading all the trays of food you had picked minutes earlier. “This feels weird. Going grocery shopping together. Feels grown-up somehow.”

“We go grocery shopping once a week,” he declared with a thoughtful pout.

“But that’s different.”

After you had emptied out your purchase, he wheeled you further down the band. The woman behind the cash register seemed equally interested in you as all the customers. Soon enough, she continued doing her job.

“You mean because we didn’t have to pay for it ourselves?” He held his hand to his heart as if heartbroken. “I miss your dad, too. Always so kind, paying for all our stuff.”

You chuckled at his playful sincerity.

“No, idiot.” As Jisung reloaded the cart, you payed for this week’s necessities. “Because we’re grocery shopping on our own, living off at uni. We have officially moved out of our home, living in the big city. It’s— new. That’s it.”

As soon as you had reached the exit, you picked reached for the strawberries, unable to abstain any longer. Strolling towards his car, you handed one over to your boyfriend while sucking on your own. Like the gentleman he was, Jisung helped you jump from the car and you packed everything into the trunk.

Once you had placed the cart back by the others, you finally headed home. Or rather, the dorm room you would be living in for the next four years.

You weren’t at that point of calling it your home yet.

A comfortable silence surrounded you throughout your drive. It remained while you stacked away your half of the food back at your place and lasted until you finished. This sort of silence wasn’t uncommon these many years into your relationship—you hardly noticed it anymore.

“Man, all this talk about horror movies makes me want to watch one.” That you hadn’t mentioned this topic for over 30 minutes seemed irrelevant.

“But you’re horrible with horror movies,” you pointed out.

“Not when you’re there to protect me.”

An hour later you were sprawled out on your bed, the last sweet strawberry long gone.

With your legs entangled, Jisung’s face rested on your chest as you massaged his scalp. After minutes of fruitless discussion, Spiderman was now webbing his way through your laptop screen. In the end, it really didn’t matter what movie was playing. It never did as long as you were with each other.

Not even 20 minutes into the movie, Jisung had fallen asleep on top of you. His faint snoring was now mere background noise as you followed the plot, ehich wasn’t as simple as it sounded. Your energy was more than drained from running around all day.

Only three days ago, you had still been back home. Packing for your upcoming move to a new city, two hours from every place you had grown up in. The one thing keeping you calm throughout the stress was your sweetheart-boyfriend. To no one’s surprise. He was the only person able to keep you sane when all you wanted was to scream and cry. Had you not had him by your side, you would have drowned in all the noise your brain usually produced.

His ability to calm your nerves when you needed him to—know when to make you laugh or when to distract you from your everyday stresses—surprised you to this day. You couldn’t begin to explain how you had been lucky enough to find someone like him. Someone you loved as much as you had seen your parents do when you were younger. Let alone how he loved you the same way, almost self-destructively so.

Your 14-year-old self would have called bs. But that girl was someone else—you, but in another lifetime. You but pre-Jisung.

When the door to your room rushed open, it pulled you from your quiet slumber. You had turned off the lights earlier to set the mood but still knew the intruder was your roommate. Besides you two, only Jisung knew the code to your dorm—a decision you had previously discussed with your new roomie, of course. Seeing as he was knocked out on top of you, you could cross him off your list of possible visitors at 8 pm on a Monday.

Adapting her eyes to the darkness, she checked her surroundings before tiptoeing into the room. The light remained off as she expected you to be asleep.

“Hey,” you greeted the dark-haired beauty, making her jump in surprise at the sudden noise.

“Fu—God! You scared me.” With one hand over her heart, your roomie calmed herself from your unexpected jump-scare. Once her heart rate had settled, she slipped out of her heels and left them by the end of her bed. “Is he asleep?”

“Yeah,” you confirmed, letting your finger run along his jaw to check. He didn’t move, so you knew he was most likely out for the night. “Long night?”

She gagged with an eye roll, pulling her jeans off her legs and exchanging them for grey sweatpants. “Don’t get me started. I haven’t even started writing my thesis, and it’s already kicking my ass.”

You watched her as she also changed out of her dress shirt and into an off-the-shoulder crop top. She slipped into a pair of sneakers while making her way to her dresser where she sprayed herself in a cloud of perfume.

“You’re leaving again?”

“Yup. I spent so much time at the library today, I apparently neglected,” she air-quoted with an eye roll, “my girlfriend. At least that’s what she said.”

“The things we do to keep our loved ones happy.”

“Exactly.” Unleashing her long curls from a tight ponytail, she ran her fingers through them for a few seconds. Her beach-waves veiled her face, so she pushed them behind her ears to instead frame her near-perfect features. “Anyway, I’m staying at hers tonight, so don’t wait up for me.”

“Okay,” you agreed with a yawn, your roommate replying with a deep chuckle.

The past few days, you had mainly spent in your new room, settling in and getting ready for the start of the semester. You liked planning ahead, knowing your life was organised to a T, so you could focus on the important stuff. Your studies, and your boyfriend.

Your roommate seemed to have most of the same priorities. She had gone out every night since you moved in, be it to study at the library or spend some time with her better half. However she managed to squeeze in all the partying? You had no clue. You could only hope some of her togetherness rubbed off on you. But then again, never judge a book.

“I’m going to take you out one of these days. You are not going to be sitting inside all year. Not on my watch.”

Spending the first two days inside, you must have looked like the biggest couch potato ever.

“Sounds good.”

As she waltzed towards the door, you grabbed her attention one last time. The hallway lights blinded you with their brightness, framing her curves in a halo.

“Oh, and Hwasa?” She turned to face you, looking like she had jumped straight off a Vogue cover. How she did that without trying was a mystery to you. “Can you not tell Wheein he’s sleeping over? I wouldn’t want my first warning on the third day already.”

“Babe, as long as you’re my roommate, my dorm-supervisor-girlfriend won’t dare write you up. Just don’t set anything on fire, and you’re solid.”

With that, she waved goodbye, leaving you and your boyfriend alone. Well, apart from the ever-so-handsome Tom Holland, who somehow made full-body suits look like a reasonable choice of clothing.

Not soon after, your eyes fell close, sending you off into a deep rest.

Next Chapter >>>

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[lizardaggro]

the pulse of death, prologue 1

alrighty guys, here it is! vampire!twst au!!! please don't make fun of the title i'm sensitive about it... in any case, you'll notice from the title that this is just part one of the prologue. that's because this sucker is gonna be long af, and you're just gonna have to deal.

genre: gn!reader, will include romance, fluff, and angst down the line tw: none so far. yay! wc:3133

Twas an ordinary day, much like any other. After arriving home from your daily responsibilities, more than ready to mindlessly read fanfiction on your phone. You collapsed onto bed, looking for something to occupy the time until you were ready to fall asleep. Insomnia was something that had plagued you off and on for years; it became much less of an issue once you became an adult and were able to set your own schedule, but still. It wasn’t like it was predictable when you’d be able to embrace the night at last, either, but you managed somehow.

If asked what time it was when you were finally graced with a deep slumber, you couldn’t say. Perhaps it gradually crept up on you, so that you didn’t have the chance to notice. You didn’t remember your dreams, you never did. At some wee hour of the morning, you were awoken by who knows what, a haze still clouding your mind. You couldn’t recall if you’d brushed your teeth or not before you knocked out, so you made your way to the bathroom. Neglecting to flip the light switch due to the soft glow of the nightlight you couldn’t sleep without, you glanced at your reflection in the mirror.

Much to your surprise, instead of your own reflection, you saw a rather odd face staring back at you. It didn’t have much color to it, quite literally, but there was a bright green mist floating around it. Okay. This was fine. You must still be dreaming. It was then that the mirror-face-thing began to speak. Its voice was deep and ominous, but for some odd reason, you didn’t feel frightened. This was only a dream after all, wasn’t it?

“Oh, lovely and noble flower of evil. Magic mirror, tell me, who is the fairest of them all?” it? intoned. “O, one who has been guided by the Mirror of Darkness. Take the hand reflected in the mirror, and never, ever let go.”

As if right on cue, a ghastly hand appeared in the mirror. But it didn’t stop there, reaching beyond the mirror’s bounds and extending toward your form. You shivered as you felt its cold touch. You faintly heard the sound of horses braying in the distance, and perhaps hooves on pavement. There wasn’t much of a chance to register what that could mean, though, as your consciousness began to fade.

When you awoke again, your memories of what had happened were blurry at best. Everything was dark, and the surface you were lying on was hard. Were you going insane, or were you stood upright somehow? Wanting to better understand your predicament, you lifted your arms to feel around you. You were quickly able to determine that you were in a box of some kind. Now that certainly wasn’t ominous at all.

You didn’t have to ponder your fate for long, though, as you heard a voice from somewhere outside. “Hngh, gotta find some clothes so I can fit in,” they mumbled, as if they didn’t expect anyone to hear. It was a slightly nasally sort of voice, almost inhuman in a way. “Stupid coffins won’t open.” Wait, coffins? “Fnyaa, take that! The Great Grim’s special fire blast!” the voice shouted.

The gears in your brain began to turn, processing what that could mean. You had your answer sooner than you would’ve liked, as your little box began to become uncomfortably hot. Too hot. The lid blew off with a little ‘pop,’ and you were able to see at last.

You were in a grand room, with a medieval sort of theme to its décor, and rather dim lighting. There were floating coffins all along the walls, and you quickly surmised that you must’ve been in one as well. Then you turned your attention to the person in front of you. At least, you had assumed it was a person, but it appeared you were mistaken.

“…a cat?” you let out without quite realizing. The creature who’d freed you from that box was indeed a cat, with gray fur, and rather curiously, blue flames licking at its ears. It had a pitchfork-shaped tip for a tail, and a gray-and-white striped scrap of cloth around its neck, reminiscent of a collar.

“Hnngh, the Great Grim is not a cat!” it said. Because of course, the cat could talk. Why not, you supposed, when you had no idea how you’d gotten here and there were objects blatantly defying gravity in the background. “Now, give me your clothes!” it? demanded. You weren’t sure of the cat’s gender; the voice sounded vaguely male-inclined, but one could never be sure.

“I beg your pardon?” you asked, stunned. What use would a not-cat have for human clothes? It was plain to see they wouldn’t fit, and you didn’t think your fashion sense was that revolutionary. Though the fabric did feel a bit different than you were used to, smoother and softer, as if it were made of silk or the like.

You took the opportunity to give yourself a once-over and gasped in shock. You were most certainly not wearing what you had fallen asleep in. You donned a black hooded robe, with golden embroidery and royal purple detailing. You patted yourself down; it seemed you still had your old clothes on underneath, but your pockets were empty, no phone to be found.

“You won’t hand them over? Then I’ll just have to take them from you!” Grim, you assumed that was its name, shouted as it began chasing you, spitting fire from its mouth. Of course, you did what any individual of sound mind would do, and ran for your life. You still didn’t know how you’d ended up here, and there was no way you were going to keel over and die without finding out.

You dashed through corridor after corridor, until you found yourself in a room that resembled a library. Except, naturally, a number of books were hovering in the air, as well as the lanterns that lit the room. In awe at the silent beauty of the ambience, you momentarily forgot your life-threatening situation and gazed around.

You were interrupted soon enough, because Grim was on a mission and had no manners. “You can’t escape the Great Grim! Now hand them over!” Your eyes widened; you had no plan to save yourself in this moment, nowhere to run to. You shut your eyes tight, expecting the pain of being burned to death. But it never came.

When you opened an eye to survey the situation, you saw something rather… questionable. Grim had been bound by a whip of some sort, and was squirming against their restraints. Sure, they’d inadvertently tried to kill you, and allegedly weren’t a cat, but wasn’t this some sort of animal cruelty? Were they even an animal if they breathed fire?

“Fnyaa, what is this?! Let me go!!” Grim demanded. You weren’t expecting it, but a reply came from who knows where. “Ah, ‘tis my Lash of Love!” a voice exclaimed rather flamboyantly. Soon the speaker stepped into view. They were a rather tall individual, adorned with a mask with a beak shape on it. Their voice did indeed match their appearance, which you could only describe as some sort of obnoxiously accessorized medieval cosplay. It went with the building, you supposed.

The person then turned to you. It felt like their piercing yellow eyes saw right through you. “You there, you really must learn to keep your familiar in check- hmm? How peculiar. Pray tell, just what is a human doing here?” they inquired, which only served to confuse you further. What was a familiar? Why would you being a human be odd?

“Um, sir? I don’t want to assume anything though… Well, I’m not sure what you mean exactly,” you began hesitantly, fidgeting with your hands behind your back. “I just woke up inside a coffin in this big room, and then Grim came and blew the lid off and started demanding I give them my clothes. Was I kidnapped. Is this a cult? Where is this? I’m so confused…”

“A cult?” The individual snorted, puffing out their chest. “Certainly not. You may address me as Sir Dire Crowley, and I am the headmaster of this prestigious institution, Night Raven College. I would assume that the ride from the Ebony Carriage had addled your brain, but I do not recall allowing the admission of a human. How odd… Perhaps it was the will of the Dark Mirror?” He mused to himself. You had no idea what any of that meant, other than that this place was a school that Crowley ran.

The man stared off into space, thinking, for a while. Then he seemed to have a little ‘aha!’ moment and began speaking again. You could only listen intently, hoping to glean any sort of information that might be relevant to your situation. “Well then. Since the Dark Mirror has willed it, we have no choice but to oblige. You will remain here at Night Raven College. Only time will tell what secrets your mortal form may be hiding. Ahh, aren’t I so generous?” he preened. You’d begun to have a rather positive impression of Crowley, aside from the whole ‘lash of love’ comment, but that was crashing and burning now.

You had so many questions, but Crowley clearly had his own agenda, and you doubted he’d answer any of them. He spun dramatically on his heel and gestured toward the exit, still dragging Grim behind him. “Come along now, the entrance ceremony has already begun. We wouldn’t want to miss your debut into vampire society, now would we?” The fuck? Did he just say vampire? As in the supernatural creatures people on the internet simped for like no other? This was turning out to be quite the adventure.

You got the impression he really didn’t care what you thought though, so you just shuffled along behind him, doing your best to calm your nerves. First order of business: make sure you weren’t actually dreaming. You slapped your hands to your cheeks, shoujo-anime style, and to your surprise as much as your disappointment, it hurt. You weren’t dreaming. Probably. Second, uh, what came second? Not dying, probably. Yes, that was important.

Sooner rather than later, as much as you dragged your feet, you arrived at your destination: the room you’d initially awoken in. Only this time, the floating coffins were empty, and the room was jam-packed with people. You took a moment to consider if this was some sort of elaborate prank, but then you remembered the terror you’d felt when running from Grim. The fire they’d spat out had been very much real.

Scanning over the crowd, several hooded figures, all wearing the same robes they were, stood out to them the most. It was a varied group in every way, and you could almost swear one of them had cat ears, like those cosplay accessories some people wore. Whatever, you weren’t judging. Crowley looked weirder, in your not-so-humble opinion. They were all on an elevated platform of some sort, likely indicating a position of authority. If this was really a school and not a cult, maybe they were the student council?

“Headmaster Crowley, where were you?” the shortest one of the bunch inquired. “We had to start the ceremony without you.” Oops. That was your fault, you supposed. It wasn’t like you could help it though, and technically Grim was to blame more than anyone. You just hoped no one would be too mad.

“Ah, yes, I had to take a bit of a detour. One of the new students had managed to escape their coffin, and their familiar went on a bit of a rampage,” Crowley explained, not looking the least bit apologetic. You could feel all the eyes in the room turn to you, and you pulled your hood down lower in response. You didn’t know how much of that vampire nonsense was true, but you really didn’t care to be sussed out as a human or an outsider.

“Very well,” the diminutive person replied. “As long as we can wrap things up now.” “Yes, of course, Mr. Riddle. Now then,” he turned to you, “Step in front of the Dark Mirror and say your name.” You weren’t too sure what this ‘dark mirror’ was, but quickly figured it to be the giant mirror in the middle of the room. Who would’ve guessed? Following instructions, you took your place in front of it and stared straight ahead.

There was a face in the mirror, surrounded by an eerie mist. It seemed vaguely familiar somehow, but you couldn’t quite place it. Even more so than Mr. Crow Man, it felt as if it knew something about yourself lost even to you. You stated your name, not wanting to be the center of all this attention any longer. What that was supposed to do you didn’t know, but the face hummed, as if it were thinking about something.

“This one is suited for no dormitory,” it stated at last. Ah, so the purpose of this strange ritual was to be some sort of rip-off Sorting Hat. Go figure. But what did it mean that you were rejected? “Their soul is clear and polished, not like the rest. And they possess no magic, not a drop.”

Well no fucking duh! Of course you weren’t going to suddenly develop magical powers just because you’d been kidnapped straight out of your bed! But you could hardly say that now. If these people really did have some sort of inhuman abilities, pissing them off was the last thing you wanted to do. It was better to keep your mouth shut and play along for now.

One could hear a pin drop in the room after the mirror’s declaration. It seems no one knew how to respond. Even Crowley appeared to be stumped; you’d assumed he expected you to have more to you than meets the eye, but you were one-hundred percent certain you were just an ordinary, human, college student.

“Ahaha,” Crowley’s nervous laughter cut through the silence like a knife. “Come now, child, we’ll discuss this matter further in my office.” With that, he grabbed you by the arm and began to unceremoniously drag you out of the room. Now you knew how Grim felt.

Speaking of Grim, it appeared they were finally tired of being dragged along. With a burst of bright blue flame, they broke through their restraints and began shouting fervently. “If that human doesn’t have any magic, then make me a student instead! The Great Grim will show you just how powerful he is!” he exclaimed, spitting fire all around the room.

Everything quickly devolved into chaos after that. You weren’t there to bear witness to it though, as someone gently took you by the arm and escorted you straight out of that mess. You were grateful, sure, but also very confused. You knew it wasn’t Crowley; that man likely couldn’t care less about your safety. Was it one of the students then?

Once safely in the outside corridor, you turned to verify the identity of your rescuer. He was a personable individual, that much was true. You were pretty sure he was too old to still be in school, but then again, people could start college whenever they chose. His hair was quite fascinating all on its own. It was mostly white, but where it parted off to one side, it was black, making for quite the contrast. That couldn’t be natural. He wasn’t wearing the same robes as everyone else either. That left you utterly confused as to who you were dealing with.

The man eyed you up and down, likely judging. “Hmm. I thought I’d caught the scent of a human on campus, but I didn’t think I’d be correct. Come with me, pup, and I’ll get you all straightened out.” That was it. No introduction, no explanation, nothing. But you went with him anyway. What choice did you have? At least he didn’t yank you like Crowley had.

The mystery man led you into what appeared to be an office of sorts, though there was some sort of giant metal pot in the center of the room. Because nothing could be normal here. He motioned for you to have a seat in one of the plush armchairs opposite the spacious desk. You obliged, more than happy to give your legs a rest after all that running.

Your savior took a seat at the desk, which you assumed was his. Perhaps he was a teacher here. That would make sense. He gazed at you for a moment, likely contemplating something. You returned his stare, not wanting to let your nerves show. You were well aware of your position here, and you were not about to make yourself any more vulnerable than you already were.

Finally, after a few tense moments, he began to speak. “I believe an introduction is in order. I am Divus Crewel, professor of alchemy here at Night Raven College. Since our dear headmaster has declined to do so, I will see to it that your needs are met while you remain here,” he explained. “I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, but Crowley is utterly unreliable. As such, you should come to me whenever you have a problem, pup.”

You nodded along, shocked that someone was actually willing to help you instead of dragging you along or outright attacking you. You could get used to this. It would be good to have an ally here in this unfamiliar place. You wouldn’t completely bare your heart to the man, of course, but this was a start.

“Thank you, Professor Crewel. I was wondering if you’d be willing to answer a few questions for me, actually.” A few was a bit of an understatement, but you’d try to keep it to the essentials out of respect for his time. He gave the impression that he was a busy man.

“Go on, pup. I’m sure you have plenty of things to be curious about,” Crewel offered with a wave of his hand. You were grateful for his understanding. Crowley hadn’t exactly done a great job of explaining. That is to say, all you knew was that this was a school. “Um, first of all, what’s this about vampires?” Wow, way to get straight to the point. It had been your intention to ask more general questions about what was going to happen to you and if you could go home, but it just slipped out somehow. But as Crewel narrowed his eyes, you got a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that curiosity may have just killed the cat.

[moodymisty]

Author’s note: I really enjoyed writing that Lorgar fic, so here’s a little thing in the same timeline. It's very rough and not very good, but I figured I would just dump it here since I had no plans for it anywhere else.

Relationships: Lorgar/Fem!Reader

Warnings: The word 'whore' as an insult, Lorgar being mercurial as usual, This relationship is toxic af but I love it, Implication of sex

Word Count: 1514

“Lorgar?” 

Your blurry eyes see him a short distance away, at the large desk he keeps in his private quarters. You wondered why when he has his own personal study, but the need to write or draft the endless letters, notes, and vox communications that need sending seems to strike him at the oddest of times. Multiple instances have you seen him leave one desk, simply to end up at the other not long after.

When the Primarch hears his name, you see his golden eyes glance up towards you and widen just the slightest. Finishing the word he’d been writing before the ink dries on his quill or drips onto the parchment, he places it in the ink well before getting up. His chair scrapes against the stone floor as it slides backward before he rounds the desk to approach you.

Lorgar takes a moment to look at the sight ahead of him; You lay nearly swallowed by the massive bed, draped in the thin blankets that adorn it. Your body was his canvas not long ago, showing little smatterings of purple on your neck, and surely all around your body in places he cannot see. 

Just like he had imagined. 

“I am sorry,” He kneels at the bedside, and takes your head in his hands as you lay on your side supported by an elbow. His massive palms swallow your jawline, pushing your cheeks just enough so that your lips part.

Lorgar always placates you; Treats you with a goddesshood you don’t feel entirely deserving of.

“I had to finish something before I simply lost all desire to. I will join you again in a moment.” He leans in to steal a gentle kiss just as your eyes glance away, and he feels the most minute turn of your face. He pulls away and his eyes flicker all over your expression, examining for the reason.

“What? Is something wrong?” 

His tone changes so abruptly that it in and of itself almost gives you whiplash. But you don’t answer him right away, which only serves to make his mercurial change in attitude all the more drastic. 

“It’s nothing. I shouldn’t be thinking about it in the first place.”

You don't even know what it was that made you remember this; Perhaps it was the way his voice seemed slightly more hushed than usual. The tone of it brought back an unpleasant memory. One you shouldn't have.

His face loses more of its previous gentle happiness as you think. You know it will fade completely when you admit this, and part of you wishes to have been able to keep your mouth shut. Though you doubt Lorgar will let you go until you say, his hands still gentle around your jaw but now lacking that sort of loving caress from earlier. Lorgar changes emotion so quickly; He could go from the most tender of love, to fury, to the deepest of sorrow.

You always have to tread so, so carefully with him. You know he doesn’t mean it; But it’s incredible how a man so strong, who treads on a line between man and something more- can be so, fragile.

“I doubt such a thing. Please, tell me what is on your mind.”

Your eyes look towards the array of bookshelves across the massive room, collections of tomes from planets both close and far, while your body is swallowed by the thin bedding. His fingers nudge your face to look back towards him. Your lips part in the preparation of speech, but it takes a few moments more before you finally manage to call forth the actual words.

“I, overheard your conversation with your father.”

The words have barely left your mouth when Lorgar bites the inside of his cheek so hard he tastes iron on his tongue. 

He’d been wishing to forget his father's ridicule, and it angers him to know you had overheard even just a moment of it.

It wasn’t meant for you to hear. His father’s feelings should mean nothing to you, yet now they make you worry. Over nothing. He’s made you feel like you don’t belong with him, and that alone makes Lorgar furious. The same fury he’d felt at his father’s references to you, not aware you had been listening in.

He should have denied even entertaining his father's words. That day he had given him far too much lenience. If anyone else had spoken to him in that way, they would've been nothing but blood splattered across the marble floor- pooling in the grout between the tiles.

“I do not appreciate you speaking to me as if I am still a boy.” 

Lorgar turns to his father, the corners of his mouth twitching in want for fouler words to spill from his mouth. His fingers rub against his palm as he resists balling them into fists.

Kor Phaeron acquiesces, if only to give Lorgar the dominance he thinks he can take. He grows furious when he feels he isn't respected, but yet he still seeks guidance from everyone around him; And now, letting himself distracted like a hound. There are cities relying on him, and the whining irritant he calls a son is more concerned with keeping his bed warm.

“You are my son. I worry for you.” A rare sentiment to leave his father’s lips; Lorgar wonders what scalding, seething hatred will leave his mouth soon after.

“You have worlds to conquer, gospel, a legion of men looking to you for orders; Guidance,”  Kor Phaeron's breath comes out as a wheeze, his body strained. The weight of his enhanced body often makes the man sickly, unable to take a strain that a normal Astartes easily could, given their far younger age.

He regains himself quickly. He gives his son a worried look, overshadowed by the want to correct the young Primarch's path.

“You should not be so consumed by a-” He hesitates for a moment.

Kor Phaeron knows Lorgar’s personality; How deeply attached he becomes to even the most seemingly minute of things. He needs to choose his words carefully. Even more so now.

“Do not let yourself become distracted.”

Lorgar loves his pater. But in that moment, he had wanted nothing more than to strangle him. To wring his neck and string him up on the scaffolding.

Distracted. He wants to laugh. How could he be distracted- He’s found his love, the other half of his soul. You give him peace, a rest from the darker reaches of his mind and are a soundboard for his ideas. Your gentle touch and soft voice give him a peace he's never felt before.

No one, not even the man who raised him, will speak of you as if you are just some common whore.

You are not a momentary distraction. You are not some temptress; Something temporary to whet his appetite.

“Do not worry about him.” His frown changes to a smile within moments, his thumb brushing back and forth across your cheek bone. “It is a father’s duty to worry. Even if he encroaches on territory where he ought not be.”

He has been lenient with that worry, but no longer. He is not going to entertain anyone doubting his judgement, or his decisions.

“Now, enough with that. Forget it all.”

Lorgar rises back to his feet, his robes shifting and adjusting as he changes position. You watch him walk around the bed, coming to join you in it. 

It is still the middle of the night, afterall. The lack of him had woken you up, but you still have a bit of precious evening left to sleep. Once he slips back in, his hand brushes over and swallows your shoulder, as he pushes up the strap of your chemise. A gift. One of many, he’s decorated you with so many until you feel about to drown in them. To have something so useless and fragile is such a luxury, but it also feels odd to wear.

“What was it you were writing?” You ask as Lorgar settles back down and watches you lay on your side.

You’re not a stranger to Lorgar having fits of inspiration, but the way he had described it seemed as if it wasn’t the usual sort of thing he works on. His golden eyes look on yours, hooded in a gentle, peaceful expression. Rare, on him.

“A letter. I plan to introduce you to my brothers.” He watches the color drain from your face. He laughs at it, a hand raising up to once again brush over your cheek.

“You worry. Don’t, I am sure they will love you.” His thumb and index finger hold your chin. You see the look in his eyes change, even though his smile remains.

“And if they don’t, they can swallow it.” 

He watches your eyes flicker over his face, your much smaller hand on his arm. He loves the feeling of your gentle touch on his sun-kissed skin, until he pulls away.

“Now sleep. I won’t wake you again, I promise.” 

[catindabag]

TBOSAS on Crack short take (74)

*How to avoid getting bitten by a rainbow snakey snake*

Prof.Demigloss: Mr. Anderson, please tell me one interesting fact about District 9.

Androcles: Ok! District 9 is known for its illegal rice cults!😀

Prof.Demigloss: Correct! Another point for Mr. Anderson.

Androcles: Yey!

Lysistrata: That’s not fair. That’s too easy, Professor.

Prof.Demigloss: Fine. I’m deducting 10 points from everyone but me.☺️

Lysistrata: Sir!

Livia: That doesn’t make sense.

Festus: 10 points?! But I only accumulated 8 points this year!

Gaius: I only have 4.

Apollo: I have 2.😀

Prof.Demigloss: Yey! A negative!

Lysistrata: Professor, you can’t do that! That’s not fair!

Prof.Demigloss: Do what?

Lysistrata: Deduct our points!

Prof.Demigloss: I can do whatever I want. I’m a dinosaur.😊

Lysistrata: I’m telling mother!

Prof.Demigloss: Yey! Demerits for everyone!

Domitia: Lizzie!

Livia: Thanks a lot, Vickers.

Lysistrata: I did nothing wrong!

Clemensia: I’m telling the Dean!

Diana: Really?

Clemensia: No. I’m telling Lepidus Malmsey and Capitol News.

Felix: Is that even allowed?

Prof.Demigloss: I’m going back to sleep now. Wake me up before my next break.

Coryo: Professor, please! I need my points back! I need to land on top!

Prof.Demigloss: Good for you, Crassus Snow. Goodnight.

Coryo: Professor!

Sejanus: I can always land on top of you, my love!😍

Coryo: Not now, Babe!

Sejanus: Kiss!😘

Prof.Demigloss: Mr. Plinth!

Sejanus: Yes?

Prof.Demigloss: If you and your sugar baby want to “make love” in front of the class-

Coryo: I’m his fiancé!

Prof.Demigloss: Sugar baby.

Sejanus: What should I do? Should I get a camera? 5 cameras?

Lysistrata: I have a camera!

Domitia: Take mine too!

Prof.Demigloss: Then please return my beloved Mr. Fluffy Feet-

Sejanus: I can’t.

Prof.Demigloss: Why not?! I need him! He’s my spy cam teddy bear!

Sejanus: Not anymore.

Prof.Demigloss: Return my expensive teddy bear! He belongs to me!

Androcles: No! Mr. Fluffy Feet belongs to me now! I’m his new best friend and partner in crime!

Prof.Demigloss: I bought him with my own paycheck, you thief!

Androcles: I found him, I keep him!

Prof.Demigloss: How could you?! You stole my poor teddy bear from me!😭

Sejanus: But Mr. Fluffy Feet is currently hiding in Dr. Gaul’s lab.

Prof.Demigloss: That’s why you have to return him to me. I’m scared.😞

Sejanus: Can’t. Sorry.

Prof.Demigloss: You’re not sorry.

Androcles: Sorry not sorry.

Prof.Demigloss: Is this because I illegally sold all of your pretty feet pics without the government’s permission?

Felix: You sold our feet pics?!

Prof.Demigloss: Online.😊

Gaius: You have my feet pics?!

Prof.Demigloss: Professor Sickle gave them to me for free.😊

Vipsania: My auntie gave what?!

Prof.Demigloss: She collects them. It’s her new secret hobby.

Livia: Ew. Were they ugly?

Prof.Demigloss: Half of them were either pretty or blurry.

Livia: Was mine the prettiest?

Prof.Demigloss: No. Snow’s, Creed’s, Ring’s, and Ravinstill’s were the prettiest of the bunch.

Livia: Of course they were.🙄

Diana: Which Ring?

Prof.Demigloss: Apollo Ring.

Diana: Figures.😔

Apollo: Yey! I’m pretty!

Hilarius: How about mine?😀

Prof.Demigloss: Ugly AF.

Vipsania: I don’t want to know!

Hilarius: How much?

Prof.Demigloss: How much what?

Hilarius: How much money did you make?

Prof.Demigloss: A million bucks.

Hilarius: One million bucks?!

Prof.Demigloss: I even auctioned off some of them last week.

Felix: You can legally auction off our feet pics without President Gran Gran’s permission?!

Prof.Demigloss: My dearest Felix, your granduncle was even one of my top buyers.

Felix: Nevermind. I don’t want to know.

Prof.Demigloss: I even auctioned off some of your old red skirts last month. It was fun.

Apollo: Is that even allowed?

Diana: I bought the skirts.

Lysistrata: Diana, how could you?!

Diana: I’m a skirt collector.

Lysistrata: Give them back!

Diana: No.

Festus: I want my shares!

Gaius: Mine too!

Coryo: But who the heck bought our pretty feet pics online?!

Prof.Demigloss: Mr. Heavensbee Sr.

Coryo: Of course he did.😑

Peacekeeper Joe: *runs in and salutes* Professor!

Prof.Demigloss: Hello, Officer Jovilius! How are you? How’s life?

Peacekeeper Joe: Stressed and underpaid as always, Professor.

Prof.Demigloss: Good for you.☺️

Peacekeeper Joe: Dr. Gaul wants to see Mr. Snow and Ms. Dovecote in her “totally legal” laboratory right now.

Prof.Demigloss: What for?

Peacekeeper Joe: I don’t know.

Festus: Is she going to buy our feet pics too?

Felix: I hope not.

Peacekeeper Joe: Are they still available?

Everyone: No.

Peacekeeper Joe: I’m sad now.

Felix: Thank Panem.

Peacekeeper Joe: Well, I still need Mr. Snow and Ms. Dovecote to come with me.

Sejanus: Can I come too? My beloved darling Snow Bae needs me.🥰

Peacekeeper Joe: No.

Coryo: I need my rich sugar daddy. I’m scared.

Festus: Me too!

Felix: And me!

Lysistrata: Let me join the fun!

Peacekeeper Joe: You can’t.

Clemensia: Officer, they’re my idiots. Please let them join us.

Peacekeeper Joe: I said no.

Coryo: Hilarius will give you his pretty feet pics for free.

Hilarius: I will?

Coryo: Yes, you will.

Peacekeeper Joe: Fine! All of you may join us!

Everyone: Yey!

Peacekeeper Joe: But be careful, be quiet, and behave!

Gaius: No promises.

Prof.Demigloss: Can I-

Peacekeeper Joe: No. You’re old. Dr. Gaul hates old people.

Prof.Demigloss: But she’s old too!

Peacekeeper Joe: And you’re a crusty dinosaur who needs to retire.

Prof.Demigloss: Crispus is sad now.

Apollo: Bye, Professor! See you later!☺️

Prof.Demigloss: Goodbye, children. Bring me 3 blueberry waffles and a cup of expensive coffee on your way back.

Gaius: Sure! Livia will buy you 10!

Livia: Ew. No.

*2 hours later, inside Dr. Gaul’s creepy “totally legal” laboratory*

Apollo: Yo, guys, look at that!

Coryo: Look at what?

Apollo: That! *points at a random glass jar* It has an ugly lobster monster mutt inside!

Festus: Cool! Let’s touch it!

Apollo: Maybe it can even slow dance and sing a song for us!😀

Felix: I hope not.

Livia: I’m telling mother.

Androcles: I’m going to steal that lobster monster later.☺️

Felix: Good for you.

Diana: Guys, look at that! It’s a big ass glass with a lot of wiggly candy worms inside!

Lysistrata: Those things aren’t wiggly candy worms!

Diana: Yes, they are.

Lysistrata: Those are baby snakes!

Coryo: Rainbow snakes.

Livia: Obviously.🙄

Festus: Let’s talk to them!

Androcles: Let’s steal one!

Felix: Where’s Dr. Gaul?

Peacekeeper Joe: She’s still in her private break room sipping hot tea.

Festus: Good! Let’s feed those rainbow snakey snakes before that crazy doctor kicks us out!

Coryo: With what?

Festus: What what?

Coryo: What are we going to feed them? Our limbs?

Sejanus: *pulls a body bag out of nowhere* I have a large sack of gumdrops and bread crumbs with me.

Coryo: Ok. Let’s feed them- Scratch that. Let’s feed me first.

Festus: And me! I’m hungry.

Coryo: Babe, feed me.

Sejanus: Anything for you, my love!

Gaius: *takes out his lunchbox* But can I feed them these tiny cheese cubes?

Festus: Do snakes even like cheese?

Gaius: Everyone likes cheese.

Coryo: Where did you get those cheese cubes anyway? Did my crazy cousin and her annoying cheese fairies gave them to you?

Gaius: No. A drunk Professor Click gave them to me for free!

Coryo: Well, that’s unfortunate.

Gaius: Why?

Coryo: I’m pretty sure that “Miss Alcoholic Click” laced those cheese cubes of yours with either posca, whiskey, or both.

Festus: At least it’s not cyanide.

Sejanus: Or rat poison.😀

Gaius: But can a baby snake even become a proud alcoholic like Professor Click?

Coryo: I don’t know.

Festus: Let’s test it out!

Gaius: Yeah! Alcoholic baby snakes! Let’s go! *throws the cheese cubes inside the snakes’ enclosure*

Hilarius: I have a question!

Clemensia: No.

Hilarius: Do rainbow snakes like to eat apple tarts or banana bread?

Lysistrata: I have an apple tart!

Diana: Can they eat oranges?

Apollo: How about grapes?

Hilarius: I’ll throw a banana just to be sure.

Clemensia: Sure of what?

Hilarius: I don’t know. I just want to throw a banana.

Coryo: Just throw everything in.

Diana: Ok. Whatever you say, Snowy!

Everyone: *throws every snack available inside the glass cage*

Gaius: Look! They’re all eating my tiny cheese cubes!

Hilarius: And my banana.

Clemensia: Shouldn’t we be worried about our own safety?

Gaius: What safety? We’re just feeding Dr. Gaul’s baby snakes.

Coryo: Clemmie, do you want to feed the rainbow snakes too?

Clemensia: No.

Coryo: You can feed them a gumdrop.

Clemensia: Fine. One gumdrop and we’re done. *throws a red gumdrop inside the glass cage* Happy?

Coryo: Look at that, Clemmie! They ate your red gumdrop.

Clemensia: Really?

Coryo: They’re now happy!

Sejanus: Have another one, Clem.

Clemensia: Give me the whole sack.

Sejanus: Yey!

Androcles: I’m still stealing one.

Peacekeeper Joe: Well, you do you. Goodbye. I’m going outside. Peace!

Lysistrata: Bye, Officer Jovilius!

Peacekeeper Joe: Just call me Joe.

Coryo: Bye, Joe.

Peacekeeper Joe: Bye, losers.

Dr.Gaul: *walks in* Ah! Mr. Snow! Ms. Dovecote- Why the f*ck are you all here?!

Gaius: We’re feeding your rainbow snakey snakes for free!

Apollo: You’re welcome.☺️

Dr.Gaul: Get away from my babies!

Felix: That’s rude. We’re still feeding and they’re still eating.

Dr.Gaul: Stop feeding my snakes!

Festus: Why? They’re happy!

Dr.Gaul: You’re ruining my project!

Hilarius: They ate my banana.

Dr.Gaul: F*ck your banana!

Androcles: Guys! *grabs a snake* I can hold and hug them now!

Dr.Gaul: Don’t touch-

Diana: Andie, get another one! I wanna hold a baby snake too!

Apollo: Me too!

Androcles: Here you go. *gives Diana a snake* A yellow and blue baby snakey just for you.

Diana: Yey! He’s mine now!

Apollo: Let’s name him Scamander!

Diana: Our pretty baby Scamander!

Felix: Can I have one too?🥺

Androcles: Sure! Here’s a pretty pink one just for you, Class Pres! *gives a cute snake to Felix*

Felix: Thanks. I’ll name this one ✨Little Saturninus✨.

Coryo: That’s a cool name.

Sejanus: Let’s name our firstborn son ✨Saturninus✨, Coryo!

Coryo: Sure. I approve.

Sejanus: And let’s name our firstborn daughter ✨Cassiopeia✨!

Coryo: I like Cassandra better.

Sejanus: Cassiopeia’s better.

Lysistrata: Cassandra Cassiopeia Lysistrata Plinth!😀

Sejanus: No. Your name is too long and too complicated, Lizzie. Sorry.

Lysistrata: Really?

Coryo: It’s also connected to an old but infamous viral disease.

Lysistrata: Which one?

Coryo: Rabies.

Lysistrata: I knew it.😔

Sejanus: Cassiopeia Plinth it is!

Coryo: Babe, my love, you can name our firstborn son ✨Saturninus Xanthos Plinth✨. How about that?

Sejanus: Saturninus Sejanus Xanthos Plinth?!🥹

Coryo: Sure. Whatever you want.

Sejanus: Whatever I want?😍

Coryo: As long as I name our firstborn daughter ✨Cassandra Coriolana Xanthe Plinth✨.

Sejanus: Deal!

Dr.Gaul: What the actual f*ck.

Androcles: Yo, I got my rainbow snake! Let’s go! *runs away*

Dr.Gaul: F*ck this. I’m going home.

[burningsolarsystem]

Some people might get mad at me for saying this, but I wish I could make my headmates more distinct.

I say this for many reasons. One, it gets very difficult to function when I'm in this constant blurry form. To add onto that, my personality fluxes so much that doing anything is a coin flip and I'm unsure of anything at any given time. And sometimes the change gives me whiplash. Cause I can go from happy and loving life to ready to tear someone's head off. Or from doing something to completely over it. Not to mention the amount of times I catch myself off guard with the way I talk or text because it is completely different than normal.

It is also difficult to do things when its a struggle to communicate with them or to even know who is influencing me.

Not to mention, everyone, from what I can tell, agrees that Leo becoming host would be much better for us. But we can't because they aren't distinct enough to front, let alone switch hosts.

-Sorry if this was hard to read or doesn't make sense, I'm currently blurry af.

[alpinloch]

Update 2023/12/31: All links should be accessible now! I also added a readmore to avoid dashboard spam.

Lets pretend im in a contest to make the worst preview images imaginable.

The maxis ballet outfits have always driven me crazy, and I've never been able to find a default that I like. Until today! I've used textures from Freezer Bunny to save your ballerina's ankles and added ribbons to the ballet shoes. I made a default replacement for the Freetime ballet leotards that uses these ribbon textures, with a pinker toned shoe and a less pink-toned tight. The pink leotard has also had its colour adjusted a little bit. This default is for TF and AF, and has two separate files so it will work if you just want one or the other.

Sorry for the shitty bodyshop previews 😅. Someday I might take better pictures and update the ones here. I just wanted to be able to share this incase there's anyone else like me who's desperate for smth like this.

DOWNLOAD UFBODYLEOTARDSIMPLE DEFAULTS | SFS | GDRIVE

I also recommend you grab this mesh default by angelapleasent to improve the ribbon mapping.

I also made recolours! I made a collection of nude tone recolours in three human colours, mannequin white, and alien green. The nude colours have no tights. I also tried to make the texture a little more matte for the nude shoes (the idea being that they're made from leather instead of silk). You can't really tell on my blurry-ass pictures.

The nudes come in two flavours, one is nude shoes + black body suit, and the other is nude shoes + nude bodysuit. You can have both or either in your game!

There's a link at the very bottom of this post to download all the recolours in one .rar. All the colours are available for AF and TF and its all separated files so you can easily pick and choose which ones you want.

DOWNLOAD NUDES (BLACK BODYSUIT)

DOWNLOAD NUDES (NUDE BODYSUIT)

DOWNLOAD NUDES (ALL)

Last, I also made some fun recolours. These recolours all include tights.

I always wanted to do a pointe dance with black pointe shoes but never got a chance to do it. Now I can live vicariously through my sims :)

DOWNLOAD FUN COLOURS

Nothing is compressed or repositoried because I don't know how to do that. The texture resolution is pretty big. If someone knows how to make the files smaller feel free to do that.

Here's a .rar with all the above recolours (but not the default replacements):

DOWNLOAD ALL RECOLOURS | SFS | GDRIVE

If there's any colours you'd like, feel free to send me a request at my downloads simblr @k-athleen :) Thanks again to Freezer Bunny for the ribbon texture :)

[fuck-i-like-too-much-stuff]

Kriti watches Not Me and makes it everyone's problem

Pt 1

I've just finished the first episode and I have Thoughts (Are we surprised?).

Can we just stop and appreciate how absolutely gorgeous White is. Like the minute he comes on screen, im a deer and he's the headlights.

Yes, White. Stop thinking about your twin brother and mom. Its been long enough.

What factory manufactures bl parents and why haven't they closed down after this amount faulty pieces?

So is Todd the good guy on the bad side? And why does he look like he's in love with White?

I dont even know what part of this shot drove me nuts but it did. He's so cool, i wanna be him.

Blurry af screenshot but MY LOVE IS HERE. HEY YOK. HOW ARE YOU YOK? I LOVE YOU YOK.

Look at the gorgeous man enter. Look at him enter with the confidence only gorgeousness can bring. Look.

Now that is how you keep your word *side eyes Jane furiously.*

Also hi papang!!!!!

Overall, I'd say I'm fairly curious about them. What role does Todd play in all of this? Who is the G from Black's side table? Why does Yok talk like he wants to kill Black?

Part 2, incoming whenever I have time next.

Part 2.1 | Part 2.2 | Part 2.3

[magicicephoenix]

So you know how there’s the thing with phones (might just be apple i dunno) where they can scan pictures for words? and then you can copy-paste them?

I wrote a thing at like midnight in a notebook with the most horrendous handwriting, and this is what the scanner picked up on:

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[noxiatoxia]

I hope u know i make it a near daily task to check ur tumblr its the only thing keeping me alive

this is so fuckijg sweet thank you. ive been dead af rn bc im at the hospital. at least they give me opioids. i keep thinking abt the twinsbbut vision is always too blurry to post shit like "oughh what if they FUCKED ? revolutionary" i also cant stop thinking abt the carriage as usual.

[magpierrecanarie]

I feel like the original sketch was much more expressive compared to the lined versions... You lose some, you win some, I guess.

Old Note (March of 2023): stupid cookie game has CONSUMED MY LIFE anyways this is supposed to be white chess choco cookie you just cant really see it cause 1) i cant mimick artstyles for shit 2) there is no colour and the only definite parts you can see are... very blurry its a costume design i made up today during physics paper 2 when i was busy drawing rather than answering based off of earl gray cookie's recent costume cause if he gets one, then 照理来说 [naturally] chess choco cookie should also get one for themselves theres actually 4 designs ive already come up with just that i havent had time to actually draw them properly

New Note from Magpierre: Yeah, if you can't tell at this point, I'm Malaysian Chinese so sometimes I burst into Chinese halfway through typing a text To talk about these designs for a bit, I mentioned that there were four (4) designs in one of the msgs but I still haven't gotten around to drawing Black Chess Choco's design, hence why there's only 2 of them here. Personal headcannon (which ties into why there's a dress design and a pants design for WCC & BCC < concerning af shortform), I like to think that they're always the opposite gender of each other at all times. So for example, if WCC is presenting as a female, BCC would be presenting as a male, so on and so forth. Of course I know that gender is a social construct so wearing either pants or a skirt isn't a definite "they're a boy" or "they're a girl", but they're cookies and I love my twin cookies to be wearing matching costumes.

See you tomorrow! B) Maybe one day I draw the BCC version of these costumes.

[magnoliamyrrh]

It really sucks bc I’ve had this sneaking suspicion since my early adolescence that I was molested by a preschool teacher. I have no actual memory but just a combination of UTIs + sadomasochistic behavior + nightmares + hypersexuality later made me suspect. But like. It could have been from everyone and their mom in my Balkan family constantly groping me :/ like it’s already blurry in my head this is just confusing me even more but at the same time I’m not sure I wanna know

thank u for sending this, i know its hard to even write this shit out sometimes. im sorry you went through any of this. yea, i went through a long period of not being sure what the hell happened if anything at all too. i still do at times. all the same symptoms + i also thought for a long time that maybe it was from all of,, the other stuff instead of anything else. its rly hard to try to make sense of it all, especially at those ages, and tbh yea, all those symptoms could v well just appear from the general family shit, especially depending on the severity of what was allowed and starting/ending when

... i think its fair to not want to know. i think its rly fair and normal to b either entirely opposed to knowing or just anxious and adverse sbt it. missing as well as blurry memories at those ages can v well be just normal, theres plenty of things ppl start to usually forget, but,, they can also be a sign of your brain trying to protect you from shit it deemed too hard/too much/too distressing to handle.. and that's,.. fair. thats a survival adaptation.

when you go knocking on the locked doors in your mind its often far from a pleasant time.. and tbh shit tends to get worse before it gets any better. On the other hand this is just. personal philosophy/conclusion; i think... the only .. way to Really truly deal things - the issues themselves not just the symptoms caused by the issues - is to face them. must go through the eye of the needle sort of thing. this is how ive dealt w recovering from bpd, ana&mia, and ptsd shit and generally got myself to b a lot more sane, after a period of time in which it drove me more insane. this is what psychedelics reinforced in me anyway.... i dont recommend going poking around in your brain too much if youre not in a remotely stable and safe environment,,, i did that, not the best time

poking around and trying to figure this sort of shit out can often turn into a whole spiral. be gentle with yourself, dont try to rush yourself into wanting answers, and take care of yourself. sometimes it is best to let your brain let you know about things when it deems the time is right, rather than trying to tear down every door

but,.. . something that my ex whose also been through some pretty severe shit said to me when i was falling down a "is this real?" hole: you kinda just.. you feel it. somewhere if youre being real serious with yourself, deep deep down inside you know if you know. we never really forget things. somewhere, they are ingrained in us, our bodies remember even if we dont.... and, tbh, the other thing is. people see it on you. like, recognition of the self through the other sort of thing. something that always got to me before i actually rly idk accepted a lot of things is how much i related to ppl who have also gone through that sort of stuff. could just b the family shit but also 🤷‍♀️ . even if it isnt i guess the question would be, what is the drive behind your suspicion. why there. why that teacher or why a teacher. why that time and place. does it remind you of something else or another time?. and on the flip side.. something else that ive learned is that. predators see it on you? they truly do. i remember when i was questioning shit id tell myself, well, both of these things cant be true right??? thats ridiculous, who has that sort of luck to not only deal with this weird af normalized family shit + other stuff?? i must just b exaggerating things.... except in reality, most predators can tell which victims are vulnerable and they can most often tell which kids have some sort of history of sexual trauma. once it happenes, its actually statistically more likely that it will happen again...... which really fucking sucks

idk, i hope any of this made sense i probably went on for too long but. im rly sorry again u went through any of this im v much sending u a virtual hug. i rly do get the frustration and confusion and... all of it. im sorry but also, thank you for sending me this bc its... both horrible and comforting at the same time to know someone else has felt this same mess. i hope youre going to find some consolation and peace and healing soon <3 <3