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cashmoneyyysstuff · 4 months

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Can you do a scenario of Bakugou aftermath of the manga war right now, cause sense he had so much character development I think he have changed majorly big. And was wondering a bakugou x reader, aftermath after battle. I hope your up to date with the manga rn cause it’s super sad :(

But Mabye a scene of reader x bakugou, he wakes up in hospital and sees her waiting next to him in a chair waiting for him to wake up. And when he does he’s glad to see her alive and asking so many questions ☹️ maybe even a lil romantic vibe at the end ??!??😌

That would be so sweet thank you’!!

this is such a cute request ! i've been thinkin of writing a post war fic lately so thank you for the ask ! i tried to honour your request as best i could, hope you'll like it ! <3

BNHA MANGA SPOILERS !!, fem reader, injuries n blood n stuff, reader cries easily sorry im projecting, katsuki n reader have been together for a while (since before the first internship arc !)(..does this technically qualify as childhood friends to…anyways !), worried reader, worried katsu so its a lil angsty but it's pure fluff no worries !, kissing, katsuki is touchy and cannot pass up skin contact, katsuki is a biter cus i say he is so biting, best jeanist is here!! (and maybe kinda ooc cus idk him like that😭🫶🏾), afo is mentioned and called a ballsack lmfao i hate him, everyone is fine and dandy and healthy(?) cus im a major optimist, lemme know if i missed sum else<3!

it's been three weeks since katsuki's been asleep.

you'd woken up a week and a few days after the war had ended. you don't remember much besides fighting for your life, that of your friends and of the people of japan. you were greeted with the worried, relieved and snotty faces of your classmates. denki and kirishima had basically tackle hugged you and were immediately strictly reprimanded by iida and momo. your limbs hurt like hell but you could ignore it and focus on squeezing your friends for now.

except not everyone was here. you immediately realised katsuki was one of them.

you were horrified to find out from your friends, who were sure this would be your reaction and were refraining from telling you, that katsuki had once again suffered major injuries and had been asleep for a good week now.

your classmates had tried to reassure you, "bakugou's always doin' the impossible, he'll probably be awake and he'll go back to cussin' up a storm before we know it." sero said, trying his best to comfort you. you send him a smile that doesn't fully reach your eyes, but you still appreciate him nonetheless.

since that day you'd gone to visit him everyday. sometimes you'd just stare at his pretty lashes fluttering, wondering when he'd wake up. other times you'd talk to him about your day. it was boring, since you were still healing and still stuck in the hospital, but it was something.

your classmates came to visit too. kirishima comes to visit the most but you assume he’s just here to check up on you and make sure you’re okay. he stays for around an hour, sneaks you some actually edible food then always leaves you with a “don’t push yourself too much, okay !”

you go to visit your other classmates, like izuku who had also taken a major beating, but was just as stubborn as your katsuki when it came to durability. you’re amazed to see how quickly he goes back to his old self, anxiously waving his arms around and telling you he’s completely okay, before promptly wincing and yelping out an “ouch !” when he moves his arm the wrong way. you jokingly warn him not to push himself too much too quickly or you’d mess him up even more than he already was every time you leave.

“i’ll try !” he chuckles, giving you a thumbs up.

you’d also met best jeanist recently, who had come to visit your boyfriend one day while you were also there. he told you that katsuki had talked about you once and that, in best jeanist’s words he seemed to be very enamored with you. you couldn’t help the way you shyly looked down at the ground, letting out a flustered chuckle and you thought you heard best jeanist laugh underneath his long, long turtleneck.

you’re currently sitting by katsuki’s bedside for the fourth monday in a row, smiling to yourself as you watch him sleep. you wonder if he’s dreaming about anything. despite the fact you looked it up and people can’t exactly dream while they’re in a coma, but you like to think he’s just asleep and having a very nice dream. the thought makes you happy, but it also makes a knot grow in your throat.

“i do hope you're having nice dreams, but i also hope you wake up soon." you whisper lovingly, brushing some hair out of his face. you run your finger along his nose bridge and cheek, usually he wouldn't be able to take soft touches like this for more than 10 seconds before getting embarrassed and pushing your hands away, trying to distract you from his beet red cheeks. you let out a watery giggle at the memory.

your throat starts feeling a little dry and as much as you don't want to leave katsuki, you figured you wouldn't miss much if you were only gone for a few minutes. you press a quick kiss to his forehead and before you get up to leave the room you look back at him once more time. only to see something strange, his eyelashes flutter more than usual, then his eyebrows furrow,

and then his eyes open.

he blinks groggily once, then twice. he tries to reach up and rub at his eye but the bandage on his arm won't allow him to and he winces. he realizes someone is in his room after a second, slowly looking up as if in slow motion. but then his movements fast forward when he realizes it's you in his room.

his eyes widen and he practically jumps up. hastily sitting up and leaning against the railing of his bed towards you

"yn—fuck !" but he seems to have underestimated how serious his injuries were in the moment. he doubles over and hisses in pain. the noise kickstarts you and immediatly you're in motion. you rush over to him, softly but urgently grabbing his shoulders you softly push him back against his pillows, he groans as you do. "don't sit up so quickly !" you fret "just lay down—"

he grabs your arm with his somewhat okay one tightly as soon as you make contact, "are you—fuck—are you okay ?" he asks breathlessly, his eyes urgently search around on your face and he frowns slightly as he scans over your light scratches. " fuck, i passed out before i could get to check up on you.." his eyebrows furrow even harder, mad at himself for not being able to watch over you.

he lifts his not so injured hand up just slightly and you lower your head so he can place it against your cheek. he rubs over it slowly "yer not hurt, are ya ? i mean—fuck, you are, but—"

"katsu.." you smile, already shushing him.

"nothing broken ?" he starts up again, prodding at every body part he can reach. you giggle lightly. "yer all bandaged up. swear i'll find the bastards who did this shit to you."

"i already dealt with them, so you don't need to worry about that." you chuckle. he copies you, his movements slow down the slightest bit and he chuckes slightly and you've missed that sound so much your heart squeezes.

“yeah, course you did..” he sighs, eyes shining brighter than usual and you suspect he’s tearing up a little when he swiftly looks away from you to wipe at his face, you don’t comment on it cus you could feel tears welling up in your eyes as well.

he tsks at the mostly okay, but still injured, arm against his face before pulling it back glaring at it, “this shit’s a real pain.” he mutters angrily, sucking his teeth.

you spring into action again, like a toy starting up when you wind it “don’t move it so much, you messed it up really badly during the fight !” you both notice how you flinch back when you instinctively go to grab his hand, then reach forward once more and barely grab his hand to guide it towards his lap, and then his body towards the pillows behind him again. katsuki’s eyebrows furrow at your ghost like touch.

he doesn’t say a word as you ramble and simply stares at you. you’d noticed he hadn’t even put up a fight when you’d pushed him back down onto his bed, but you were more worried about his well being rather than his behavior. but now you start to get a little bit worried at his lack of reaction, you place your hand on his chest softly, afraid to hurt him "wait just a sec, i'll go get a nur—"

"no." you let out a surprised sound when he grabs your hand. he stares straight into your eyes, and the bright red shine in them is such a huge contrast to them being closed for so long it almost knocks the wind out of you.

he vehemently shakes his head "i don't need none of that."

"katsuki, you need—"

"no i don't." he says stubbornly, you don't know if you're happy or not that he seems to be just as stubborn as before everything happened. it's a relief, sure, but it's starting to annoy you a bit. you want to fire back but he cuts you off "i don't need a nurse. need you." he mutters into your hand he had brung up to his lips to speak his last sentence against.

it’s only a light press of his lips against your skin but it sends chills down your spine. he does it again, red eyes fixed onto you to bring his point across. you suck in a harsh breath, then sigh in defeat.

"okay.." you sigh. "but we still have to get a nurse later." he grunts into your hand in begrudged agreement, "later." he mutters.

once he's gotten his feel of you, he slowly lifts his head up to look at you. he shuffles around in bed until he's sitting up a little straighter, waving you off when you sit up to help when he winces slightly.

he reaches for you and tugs at your arm lightly, as if he wanted you to sit closer to him. you happily oblige, scooting a little closer until you're leaning infront of him. he grumbles, obviously unhappy about something.

"come over here." he whines petutalanty.

you giggle at his childish demand "katsuki, no. you're very hurt and i don't wanna make you feel worse if i accidently push at something too hard. we can cuddle all you want when you get checked up." you explain. he’s obviously unhappy about that, rolling his eyes accompanied by a huff.

just like he usually would. you feel your eyes burn but your chest feels lighter and lighter the more you realize he’s here. your holding his hand and he’s holding it back, you’re looking at him and he at you.

it’s your katsuki.

“that’s bullshit, m’perfectly fine.” he scoffs.

you give him a once over, raising a brow for good measure “right.” you laugh when he scoffs again, but he can’t hide the smirk growing on his face at the sound.

it’s your katsuki, alright.

it’s quiet while you’re just indulging in each other’s company, the worry in your stomach gnawing at you every day he wouldn’t open his eyes these past few weeks finally washing away as you look at him lovingly when he closes his eyes and sighs against your skin.

“stop starin’.” he complains against your hand he still had in a tight grip, cheeks turning red. it seems like he doesn’t want to let go of it any time soon and doesn’t have any plans to as he bring it up to his mouth to bite you. you struggle and squeezes at his nose with a grin.

“hey, is it so bad to wanna look at my boyfriend that he’d been sleeping every day up until now ?” you make it sound like a joke, but your smile falters slightly and katsuki realizes. his eyes widen slightly.

"how..how long was i out for ?" his voice is still clouded with sleep even now. you plop back down onto your chair, dragged closer to him now “about three weeks.” you mutter, sad smile on your face and eyes downcast.

neither of you say anything for a moment and you’re quickly reminded of the quiet you’d gotten used to when he was still asleep. you don't like it and you want to fill the silence but you don't know what to say. katsuki doesn't respond and keeps looking at your expression, blinking slowly, like he does when he's trying to discern how you feel. he's annoyingly perceptive and you feel yourself get flustered by his gaze.

"now who's the one staring.." you mutter shyly, eyes drifting towards the floor to close him off of your mind with those all seeing eyes of his. you can tell he's seen through you, but it's worth a try anyway.

he reaches and tugs at your chair leg for you to scoot closer somehow. once, then twice harder when you don't make any move to listen to him. he grunts and you worry he'll hurt himself like he always end up doing when he’s not being careful, so you lean your face closer to him. you'd stare at him at all day like this if you could but your eyes won't look in his properly before they're shooting back towards the floor, katsuki huffs a breath of laughter onto your cheek.

"m'not allowed to look at my girlfriend after bein' passed the fuck out for three weeks ?" he smirks his eyes are soft even when he gruffs a mean laugh when he reaches up to pinch your nose back and you grumble at him, softly patting at his hand to shoo him away with a smile you try to hold back. he pokes at your cheek, you go to shoo and scold him but he surprises you by softly placing his hand against your cheek.

“was worried about you, you know.”

your eyes widen and your mouth drops open slightly at his sincerity. your heart warms and you can't stop the tears blurring your vision anymore. you clamp your mouth shut so as not to sob, but your bottom lip wobbles and katsuki huffs again.

"was thinkin 'bout you the whole time. hate that creepy ballsack head,” he grumbles bitterly “kept me from seein' my girl." he smiles when you let out a watery snort. you grab ahold of the hand on your face, running your thumb across the rough skin.

"i heard you really did a number on him."

"course i did. fuckin' decimated the fucker." he boasts and you laugh loudly. "made him cry like a baby. literally." he adds, you raise a brow in question but he simply shakes his again, as if telling you not to worry about it.

you don't question it and simply sigh against his hand happily, it feels nice to feel him again. "the others are gonna be happy to see you up. kiri's been coming to visit you every day. and i've forbidden izuku from getting out of bed, but he asks about you all the time."

katsuki scoffs, thumb slowling down in its movements "damn deku.. he better not think he's hot shit cus he woke up before me." you snort loudly at that, shaking your head at his childish antics.

"good he's not runnin' around. he'd probably end up breaking more of his bones by himself."

"that's what i said !" you giggle, and katsuki snorts. you missed hearing him. you missed him so much, you reach a hand up and wipe at your still wet eyes, katsuki grabs at that hand to wipe at your tears for you.

"was worried about you too, katsu." you sniffle "when i heard you got yourself hurt bad again i just—i got really scared.”

your boyfriend's eyebrows furrow sorrowfully and he wishes his body wasn't so weak so he could wrap you up in his arm and feel you close, never let you go. but his hand against your wet cheek will have to do for now.

but katsuki is a creature of habit, so he speaks "come over here." he whispers.

you lean in a small distance at first, not really sure of what he wanted you to do. katsuki grunts but when you get close enough he reaches for the back of your head and pulls you in, pressing his lips to yours.

and it's everything. soft yet his grip on you is firm, slow yet urgent when you grab the front of his hospital clothes and he huffs against you when he shoves his tongue into your mouth with a soft groan. eyebrows furrowing in focus to handle his breathing because he doesn't want to pull away.

not yet.

you're first to pull away but he doesn't let you go far, immediately swooping in for another kiss, this one just as- if not more urgent-than the first. you softly run your hands through his soft locks and try to memorize the feeling like you hadn't been touching it everyday for the past three weeks. it feels different now.

not yet.

finally, you pull away even after katsuki chases your lips with a pout. you giggle and tug at his hair and he huffs at you, and leans forward to bite at the tip of your nose.

"katsuki !" you squeal flying back to wipe at your nose.

“don’t katsuki me” he chuckles, cheeks dusted pink. from the lack of oxygen just a moment ago or from embarrassment you don’t know, “ ‘ts your own fault, dumbass.”

you scrunch your nose and stick your tongue out at him and he snickers again. you’d missed that sound. you’d missed his laugh, and his stupid nicknames and his voice, the way he says your name and his eyes and his smile.

“i missed you.” you breathe, smiling at him with what you know can only be called heart eyes. katsuki blinks at you, turning red to the tips of his ears. he looks away but reaches for your hand, you give it to him and he presses his lips to the back of your hand.

“missed you too. really did.” he mutters.

this is the most embarrassed you’ve seen him and the sincerest at the same time, you commit the image to memory as your stomach flutters and your heart beats for him. and his for you. you can feel it in the way his hand steadily gets warmer, the way he closes his eyes and breathes you. in the way he kisses each of your fingertips and finishes it off with a bite to each to make you laugh.

you both know a lot of things still need to happen but they can wait for now. for now, his heart is here, beating with yours. your katsuki is awake and back where he’s supposed to be.

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e-m-ma-lmfao · 10 months

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I have a request for Astarion ! What if reader is usually the one being seduced by Astarion (because that's how he is) but reader one day does the very chivalrous hand kissing to Astarion after maybe protecting him from an enemy?

Rizz if you will.

It's Called Chivalry, Darling

pairing : astarion x (gn) reader

summary : astarion makes a point to be chivalrous so you return the favour to distract him from being worried.

warnings :talk about weapons and fighting, reader gets hurt.

a/n: thanks sm for your request :). i tried my hardest to execute this idea, i hope you like it anon :0 (i have not played baldurs gate)

“I think we could stock up there. ” You point to a row of buildings, signs practically unreadable, grabbing the attention of the others in your group. They all hum in agreement before heading off in their own directions. The only store you assume you’ll be needing is a general store, so you head in that direction.

You reach for the handle but someone else's hand beats you to it, pulling it open for you. Turning to look, you make eye contact with the ever handsome Astarion, smirk tugging at his lips.

“Why’re you opening the door for me? What do you want?” You point an accusatory finger in his face, causing him to chuckle. His laugh is so soft it almost makes you drop your finger.

“It’s called chivalry, my dear. You aren’t familiar?” He follows behind you as you enter the store, rolling your eyes at him. The store is mostly empty, besides a few men looking through the wares available. But even with all the open space for him to walk, Astarion seems to tail you as if the store is crowded.

“Ooh get some more of that stuff, remember you used it on me? It made that cut on my arm feel like nothing.” He points from behind you at a healing balm in a small, glass jar. You stop in your tracks to grab it, causing Astarion to push into your back, and you look back at him with a confused stare.

“Why’d you stop? ” His brows are furrowed, face close to yours.

“Why are you walking so close to me?”

“I just can’t stand to be far from you, my love,” He places his hand on his chest dramatically, voice incredibly theatrical as if he wasn’t already dramatic enough. You're sure that people in the store are shooting glances your way but, unusually, you can't bring yourself to care.

Not when Astarion is looking down at you with playful eyes and a giddy smile on his face. He looks so sweet like this, so free of worry and attitude, his guard is down. But you can't let him realize your thoughts, so before he could even notice your staring you force your face to remain as stoic as before.

You once again roll your eyes then continue your search for anything the group may need. Once you finish you head towards the door, making a point to open the door for yourself which causes Astarion to grunt in disapproval.

The group finds each other once more and you head out of town, fully prepared for what might be ahead. At least that's what you think, maybe a stupid thought considering you're never truly safe on this perilous journey.

As you travel along the trail, your group seems to split off into its own smaller groups. Whispering and laughing with eachother, making far too much noise in your opinion. And Astarion, slowly trickling from the front all the way to the back where you're walking, finds his place beside you.

“Why do you always walk so far towards the back? That’s a dangerous position for someone as small as you, no one to keep you safe from behind.” He chuckles to himself as he notices your brows furrow.

“There’s nobody to annoy me either.” His hand flys to his chest, pretending to be hurt once more, his pace faltering ever so slightly then catching up with you again.

“Ouch. How you wound me so with your cold words darling.”

“Astarion, if you wish to accompany me in the back I’d appreciate if..” Your sentence is cut off with a yelp of surprise as you trip over a dip in the road, stumbling forwards. But you don’t fall very far, Astarion’s hand gripping onto your wrist and pulling you towards him. Your chest hits his, and you take a moment to regain your bearings before taking a step away from him.

He raises your hand, still in his grip, up to his lips and places a gentle kiss on the top of your knuckles, “You must be more careful, darling. Don’t want you getting hurt.”

You know your face is pink, you can feel it, and the smirk on his face solidifies your worry, but you remain composed and give him a simple nod as you pull your hand away.

“Shall I hold your hand to ensure you don’t trip again?”

“In your dreams, fangs.” He smiles, it's always so soft during these moments, and the sight alone almost causes you to take back your words and give in to his offer, but you stand your ground and keep your hands close to your hips. Astarion lets out a small laugh at this.

You continue to walk in peaceful silence, Astarion making small quips so the air is never truly silent around you. You've come to realize that Astarion can't stand silence whenever he's around you, and he makes a point to keep the noise level up. But when his tone shifts, and he becomes quieter, you take a peak around. You notice that the group is much closer than before but you don’t mind. Safety in numbers and what not.

But something feels off. It’s eerily quiet. Not even the whistle of a bird and you swear the wind has stopped entirely. And you think the rest of your group notices as well, perhaps the reason that they had moved closer was so they wouldn’t be caught off guard. Their hands stay on their weapons ready to take them out.

And then it happens. A group of goblins jump from the surrounding forest and circle around your party. Usually something as small a threat as a goblin would be no problem but in such large numbers they might prove to be a problem. When they initiate a fight, thrusting their blades towards you, you draw your blade.

Slowly, you pick off goblins, one by one. They’re stronger than you expected and their weapons are much nicer than the ones you had encountered in the past. But you keep your guard up and they’re unable to land a blow on you. It’s when the amount of goblins in front of you is reduced that your guard is let down even the slightest. And your focus shifts. Not the smartest move.

You look around you, realizing that Astarion is no longer by your side.

In your state of distraction, a goblin is able to strike you, leaving a relatively large cut on your arms and cutting the arm of your shirt into a tattered piece. The pain causes you to refocus for a moment, just enough to kill the goblin before you look back towards Astarion.

When your eyes reach his position, your heart drops to your stomach. He is completely surrounded and you're certain that he is unaware just how shitty his situation is. So without a second thought, you leave the goblins in front of you behind, and rush over to him.

Swinging your blade with as much force as you can muster, you kill the goblins behind him and grab his wrist to pull him out of his unfortunate position. You kill another, after ensuring he is no longer in the way. The two of you pick the goblins off together, standing back to back. And when the fight is over you finally allow yourself a moment to breathe.

But it doesn’t last long.

Astarion pushes at your shoulder, causing you to stumble forward, you hardly catch yourself but you do. When you’ve found your footing you straighten up, turning to him with furrowed brows, “What was that for?”

“Why would you do that?” His tone is so aggressive it catches you off guard, “You could’ve gotten hurt! How could you be so irresponsible? Look at your arm, Gods!"

He holds your arm in his hands, hesitating for a moment before ripping off a piece of his own shirt. Gently, he pushes the arm of your shirt up to uncover your wound and begins to wrap the piece of cloth around the wound with shaky fingers, muttering curse words under his breath.

“You could’ve been killed Astarion! I would’ve gladly gotten hurt in order to prevent that.” You try to keep your cool. The pain is hardly noticeable with the amount of adrenaline pumping through your body. And you honestly find yourself more worried about him being angry with you Obviously, he’s yelling in your face, but it might just be shock getting to him.

“Why would you do that for me? That is absolutely ridiculous.” He huffs, throwing his hands in the air, then allows them to fall back down to his sides. And an idea suddenly enters you brain.

Slowly, with caution to not annoy him further, you reach for his still shaky hand. He stares at you, brows furrowed, but he doesn’t pull away. Gently, you place your lips against his bloodied knuckles, making an effort not to hurt his already irritated skin.

“It’s called chivalry, Astarion. You aren’t familiar?” You notice the smallest change in his eyes as they soften, even a small smile tugs at the corner of his lips. He isn’t mad, just worried. And you know that all the annoyance has fled his body at your attempt to make fun of him and his flirtatious remarks. Honestly, he's a little flattered you remember what he said, and flustered from you playing his own game against him.

You take a step closer, placing a hand on the side of his face to pull him in closer, to plant a soft kiss to his cheekbone. His curls touch your fingertips, and you take the opportunity to play with his soft hair for a moment. When you pull away, a pink tint lingers on his skin, allowing color to flow on his beautiful face. “You know I don’t want you getting hurt.”

This time he lets out a soft laugh, “That’s enough, darling. I understand what you’re doing, you can stop mocking me.” He turns away from you, but you rush to his side, wrapping your hands around his arms. You lean into him, resting your head near his shoulder as you look up at him.

“Shall I hold onto you so you don’t trip, my dear?” You mock his usual flirty tone, and he pushes your head away gently in an attempt to hide the color rushing to his face, ruffling your hair up.

“What, I'm not allowed to flirt with you but you can do it to me?”

"That's exactly right, my dear."

#astarion x reader #astarion #baldurs gate astarion #bg3 #bdg3 #x reader #oneshot #drabble #gn reader #baldur's gate 3

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lilacstro · 29 days

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Astro Observation Pt 4

I hope you all are doing awesome and the last few posts resonated with you! Also, thank you so much for 250 followers <33 means so much to me

here we go :)

1.Taurus placements really like food, cooking. I mean, we all do, but its a little extra with them.

2.Taurus moons really have a soothing presence and voice, however, they may come as highly opinionated sometimes. They are usually very kind and polite while talking and may like things like art, music, poetry or, reading/ enjoying such things and actively talking about it.

3.I read somewhere that 8th house is temporary death while 12th house is what happens after death, maybe that is why it is the last house. Example, 12th house Capricorns may come back to give/receive karma, 12th house Scorpios may learn and complete the soul lessons or karmic contracts.

4.I dont know how many people does it resonates with since I only know a few capricorn risings but more these natives like structure and order, they sometimes secretly wanna run away from all and everything, probably just disappear or move to the countryside lol...may even struggle with maldaptive daydreaming. Also, they definitely don't wanna/can't be tamed AT ALL...you can't tell them what to do lol ..I wonder if it has something to do with the Sag 12th house. They do accept opinions and suggestions, but very selectively

5. The birth of a capricorn sun/rising/stellium child can be karmic. In the sense that, they are here to dispose karma to other people, while learn their own. Maybe because the ruler is Saturn. One of the things that can follow is a change/shift in the circumstances of the family.

6. This makes me think, 12th house indeed can show our hidden thoughts or desires. People with Sag risings have scorpio in 12th house, and this can secretly make them wanna have some kind of command, control and authority. I am a Sag rising, and this holds true for me.

7. Speaking of NN in solar return, I read someone reblogging my post saying they believe NN can also represent the lessons you learn and grow from, I instead believe its more of a karmic/soul lesson/fated thing, that rather tranforms/grows your soul and you may go through a huge shift in your perspective and some life-changing experiences concerning that area of life. Something that we are moving into, and will affect us from that point onwards, like a new theme unlocking.

Chiron, on the other hand, is different. No one wonder chiron is actually call the wounded healer, something that hurts and then heals.

example, nn in 1st house can mean you will go through major themes and experiences that will make you focus more on yourself and finding your identity and purpose and this should affect your further years. more of a spiritual growth

chiron in the 1st house can instead mean you will go through experiences that will make you question yourself, some kind of identity crisis, that will further lead to you believing and finding your true self. more of a personal growth.

i hope i made sense. moreover, astrology interpretations are very personal :) and you dont have to agree with anything i said if it doesnt feel right.

8. libra moon imo is one of the best moon placement to have. they are able to present their emotions pretty nicely and in order and that makes sense somehow. This is also a placement for a hopeless romantic tho lmao.

9. Libra MC people may always look confused. Somehow even struggling to chose between a pastry and a cake lmao.

10. I think women with Virgo+ Scorpio placements are the ones that can make the best lie detectors/detectives/real baddies. They may also enjoy dark psychology/ true crime stories/thriller.

11. Men with Venus in Saggitarius may like spiritual/religious women.

12. I think people with Venus-Asc aspects may always/eventually find beauty and confidence in their appearance and themselves, and that is very amazing imo.

13. Women with Pluto-Asc aspects may like dominance in some shape or form and may have a really good self control and hold of themselves.

14. I will want to ask, do people who have Uranus Retrogade in their chart somehow struggle with breaking electrical appliances/gadgets often? Like it will just break somehow?

15. Having asteroid industria at 28 degrees can show you have a potential to earn huge money through your career.

16. Wherever Jupiter lies in your chart, is where you can expect divine protection. Jupiter in 10th house? Protection from people with malicious intents/a bad public image. Jupiter in 6th house? Protection from accidents and diseases. Jupiter in 12th house? protection from hidden enemies/backstabbing. Jupiter in 11th house? Protection from fake friends/people.

17. I have often seen people say you should marry your 7th house sign but i would disagree again. The 7th house/DC is more about the qualities we admire in other people, and what do we look for while forming ANY relationship with others and this does not always have to mean that you would get along with them romantically.

thats all for this post<33 i love you all. Please leave post recommendations, if you have any in the ask, messages or comments :)

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onlyjaeyun · 3 months

Text

𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐒 – 𝟒𝟒

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐓𝐘𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑: 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞

⤥ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐒��𝐧𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐱 𝐅𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

⤥ 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬!𝐀𝐔

⤥ 𝐰𝐜: 𝟔.𝟖𝐤

⤥ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: 𝐀 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐚𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐯𝐞, 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐞𝐬. 𝐀 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐧 𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐲'𝐬 𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐤.

“No fucking way!”

The exclamation of excitement reaches your ears before your brain can process the feeling of Jungwon’s weight basically falling onto your body as he wraps his arms around your shoulders and starts laughing in response to his birthday gift.

All you can do is join in on his laughter, tightening the hug and embracing the comfort it comes with.

“Thank you so fucking much”, Jungwon says and pulls away, the plane tickets firmly in his hands as he looks at you with big, excited eyes and his cheeks covered in the sweetest shade of pink.

“Don’t expect anything like this for the next five years, though”, you joke and embrace your adopted sibling into another tight hug, making sure to keep your eyes closed because the mere thought of meeting Sunghoon’s gaze makes your heartbeat double its pace.

There’s been this very significant yet subtle shift in the way he’s looking at you and although the two of you have been spending quite a bit of time around each other, you have yet to get used to it all. However, you’re in no way complaining about it because for the first time in almost a decade, you don’t feel this specific heaviness weighing on your chest whenever he’s around.

The past few weeks have definitely not been easy for you. No matter how healing and relieving the conversation with your brother about your past life choices was, you have yet to find the courage to face the one person you’ve been avoiding as much as possible lately, only for life to challenge you with his constant presence around you.

You still feel as attracted to Sunghoon as you did before the friendsmas dinner almost two months ago, maybe even more now that you’ve finally accepted the fact that you want him in many more ways than just sexually.

It definitely wasn’t easy for you to admit this to yourself and took you about three different and very lengthy conversations with your closest people but the longer you’ve thought about it, the more you’ve realized that there’s not really a point in denying your feelings any longer.

You want Park Sunghoon.

In the deepest bits of your heart you know no guy who’s entered and left your life has ever managed to even come close to him, but these are thoughts you’ve been a little more hesitant to explore. The thought of him becoming the one in your heart after years of hating him scares you, so much you’ve only ever said it out loud once to yourself in the darkness of your room after crying for hours over all the time you both won’t ever get back.

Park Sunghoon was the first boy to break your heart, yet even after all these years you’ve remained deeply in love with him. Some people might question your sanity, your mental and emotional wellbeing as well as your rational thinking, but to you it’s him. It’s always been him.

You have yet to figure out why exactly, but one thing you’ve always been subconsciously aware of is that your deep, vile hatred has always had its root in the pure, innocent love you’ve been carrying in your heart ever since he entered your life all those years ago.

There’s just something so special about him, which might be the reason why his lack of communication, his betrayal and the way he’s been treating you all these years hurts as much as it does.

You know there’s no point in wondering, guessing and imagining things when all you have to do is just talk to him, something all of your mutual friends have been very adamant about for the past few weeks (probably even years if you’re being fully honest to yourself).

But how come the only right way to finally receive all the answers and explanations to the question marks in your mind feels like the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do in your life? Why is it this scary?

Maybe it’s because you’ve never felt this strongly about all the other men in your life, not even the ones you had convinced yourself to be in love with and maybe it’s because the possibility of things not working out in the end has already broken your poor heart into thousands of pieces.

Every time your eyes find their way to the ring on your finger, one of the most meaningful and sentimental gifts you’ve ever received, you remember that after everything, Sunghoon knows a part of you which you’ve been keeping locked away and protected for way too long. To him, you’re not just a friend, you never have been. To him, you’re you. You’re an individual, your own person. In moments where the whole world was expecting something from you, to be a certain way or do and say certain things, Sunghoon was the one to just sit back and watch, cheer you on from the sidelines because his trust in you was endless. He always knew you’d find your way through it all.

When you first started to have thoughts like these, it felt wrong because you thought you’d discredit your friends and their places in your life, their undying support and love, only to realize that of everyone you’ve ever known, Sunghoon was the first one to believe in you.

He was there when Riki was too young to even understand what was going on, he was there when you had nobody. He was the first one to stay.

The more your eyes meet, the deeper the desire to just be close to him, feel his touch on your skin and lose yourself in the comfort it comes with, runs and you can’t help but allow yourself to catch a tiny glimpse of him from the corner of your eye.

“Stop staring, you’re being so obvious”, Jaeyun suddenly whispers into your ear, the sheer shock of hearing his usually so soothing voice in the midst of your daydreams is enough to pull you back into reality, “he’s not being subtle either, I can’t believe y’all had us fooled for so long. No wonder you guys got to fuck next door, I would have never noticed if I was drunk right now.”

With your eyes widened in absolute disbelief you slowly turn your head to the side to look at your best friend only to realize just how close he is.

“That’s a little too close”, Jaeyun jokes smiles charmingly, knowing that there’s one person in the room whose sole attention has been on you for the past five hours, “I really really don’t want him to beat me up again so, meet me in the kitchen.”

“Again? What does that mean? Jaeyun, where are you–”, but you don’t get to finish your whisper shouted questions as he casually jumps onto his feet and suddenly disappears in the hallway, leaving you no choice but to do as you’re told.

With everyone’s focus remaining on each other, except for Sunghoon’s (of course), you slowly get up and make your way to the kitchen, your heart brutally hammering against your chest as you try to think of possible scenarios for the upcoming few minutes.

As soon as you close the door behind you, Jake’s lips stretch into a big smile, his eyes turning into little half moons as the excitement becomes evident in every single one of his facial muscles.

“What–”, “For the love of whatever or whoever you believe in, please just talk to him”, your best friend is quick to throw the reason for his request into your face and all you can do is look at him with raised brows and widened eyes.

“Don’t you dare look ag me like I’m the crazy one when you two have been eyefucking each other for hours and I had to witness it all because I promised not to drink and it’s actually awful”, Jaeyun rambles, his usually so relaxed expressions are drenched in confusion, his whole body language lets you know just how much this has been weighing on him and if it wasn’t for the things he just said, you would have actually felt bad for him.

It takes you a few moments to process everything he just dropped onto you, but as soon as your brain has managed to catch up, you can’t stop the huge mixture of emotions from hitting you in all the right places.

“Jaeyun, I don’t know if I’m ready”, you whisper and feel the tears announcing their arrival as they burn in between your eyes.

“That’s what you think”, Jake sighs and rolls his eyes, behavior you’re actually not used to receiving from your usually so soft spoken best friend, “you’re more than just ready for this, my dearest friend. You’ve actually been waiting for this conversation for over nine years. Please, stop running away from this, from him.”

Usually Sim Jaeyun leaves you speechless with the rather out of pocket things he tends to say in the most inappropriate moments, yet this time he’s managed to leave you absolutely shocked with his honesty.

You don’t know what to say, nor do you have any idea how to react or what to do, but in the deepest pits of your gut you feel genuinely relieved to hear your hidden wishes to be confirmed.

Knowing that Sunghoon’s behavior towards you isn’t just a fabrication of your wishful thinking has taken a huge weight off of your shoulders and for the first time in weeks, the fog in your head clears up and you allow yourself to push all those doubts, worries and worst case scenarios into the darkest corner of your mind and focus on what your heart actually wants.

“Okay”, you whisper and take a deep breath, “you’re fucking right.”

“Fuck yeah, I am! Let’s fucking go!”

Jaeyun is quick to burst into loud cheers and words of enthusiasm in response to your agreement and with a soft sigh you wrap your arms around his neck and quietly thank him for his support.

You’re very well aware that the past two months have been quite difficult for your best friends too, especially the boys. Navigating your as well as Sunghoon’s emotional state couldn’t have been easy for three of the biggest empaths you know and knowing that they’ve spent all this time looking for solutions and the right ways to approach these sorts of things is something you feel incredibly grateful for.

“I’m gonna send him to our place now”, Jake explains once you get yourself to let go of him, “give me fifteen minutes to distract these fuckers, send the love birds to Seung’s place and give you guys all the space and time you need..and deserve.”

With those words your best friend quickly rushes out of the kitchen, leaving you behind with nothing but hope and excitement in your chest.

“Hoo–”, “Stop yelling, I’m here”, Sunghoon quickly interrupts his best friend as he randomly appears on the other side of the hallway, not brave and shameless enough to eavesdrop, yet anxious enough to wait in close proximity.

“Batshit”, is the only thing Jake responds with as the shock of Hoon’s sudden presence sends shivers down his spine.

“What did she say? She hates me, doesn't she? She never wants to spend another day talking to me or even in my presence, does she? Tell me the fucking truth, Jaeyun”, Sunghoon nervously rambles and subconsciously wraps his hand around his friend’s arm, pulling him closer as the feeling of his lungs hyperventilating becomes too overwhelming.

The past two months have been something close to hell.

When Sunoo reminded him of Jungwon’s birthday a few days earlier, Sunghoon was shocked since he’s been mentally stuck on mid December, his brain constantly replaying the events of the friendsmas dinner to make sure he doesn’t actually forget about it.

Of course he’s spent most nights talking to his best friends to figure something out, yet even after all this time he has no actual plan on what to say, do or even think.

He’s already accepted the fact that he’s never actually stopped loving you. The realisation that behind his deep hatred for you was simply because of how much he’s loved you all this time was one of the hardest pills he’s ever had to swallow. Almost a decade of genuine denial later he’s found himself in a headspace he has never, ever experienced before and if it wasn’t for the boys trying their very best to keep him distracted, he would have lost his mind already.

Most of his days were spent at the gym and work, places he knew he wasn’t going to be in agonizing pain because of your presence and yet he’s always caught himself looking forward to practice day because it meant he’d finally get to be close to you again, even if you guys never talked about anything but the most necessary things.

Maybe it’s because of how ashamed he is for all the things he’s done and said to you in the past and maybe it’s because his heart actually can’t handle the constant pain pumping through his veins whenever he’s near you.

Never in his life has he wanted anyone as bad as you

At first, Sunghoon was convinced it’s because you’ve all he’s ever known but the more time passed, the more he realized that it’s because you’re his person.

He’s already accepted the possibility of not being yours and he knows he could never be angry with you if that was the case.

Sunghoon’s just…tired. Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted of the constant pretending, the hate and anger, all the pent up frustration and not knowing where he stands with you. You guys used to be best friends only for life and that god awful human being of a stepmother to tear you apart and turn you into actual enemies.

The mere thought of what might have been if he had only received that letter and never had to force himself to hate you makes his heart ache.

All these years could have been spent making life decisions together, being there for the other when they needed it the most and all those hurtful words could have been avoided.

But Sunghoon has no choice but to accept that this is how things went and there’s absolutely no way to undo and unsay everything and if it wasn’t for his acceptance of the whole situation, he would have spent even more nights laying awake wondering why life had to make him go through all of this.

Why life had to make you go through all of this.

If there’s one thing Sunghoon’s gonna struggle the most to accept, it’s the fact that he didn’t get to be by your side to comfort and hold you during your darkest times. All the times where Riki knocked on his door to cry himself to sleep in his arms because he didn’t want to burden you were the times where Sunghoon was silently praying that one of the boys had thought of you as the mental image of you going through all of that pain by yourself was enough to torture him mercilessly.

You’re strong; stronger than anyone he’s ever met. You always find a way to survive and make the best of everything life throws your way, that’s just how you are. that’s how you’ve programmed yourself to be. No matter what or who, you always know what to do, say and how to make everyone happy, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness for it.

Nobody has ever loved him the way you do simply because there’s nobody who loves as deeply, as genuinely and purely as you do. It definitely took him a while to understand this, but after watching the way everyone in your closest circle treats you Sunghoon has realised that they simply mirror your behavior towards them and it was that moment where he started genuinely missing you. Not just the way you used to love and care for him, but you as a person.

Your energy, so calm and comforting, something he’s never experienced with anyone before.

Maybe that’s why he’s so scared of losing you – again. It’s not like he’s actually got you back in his life yet but the mere thought of you avoiding him at all cost once you all graduate and live your new lives as adults makes his whole body go into panic mode.

He’d rather be close to you from this distance than risk it, but he knows he has to talk to you about all of this.

Sunghoon knows he owes you this, not only your current self but that twelve year old girl who cried herself to sleep because she didn’t understand why her best friend suddenly turned his back on her after she’s just given up her biggest dream.

And first and foremost: he owes this conversation to his own inner child.

Everyone involved in this situation deserves their own version of closure and no matter how much he hates verbal confrontation, Sunghoon is more than just willing to put his own comfort last to give you what you deserve.

With a soft sigh and a thin veil of tears blurring his vision, Sunghoon stares at his best friend and patiently waits for him to respond, not quite sure what he wants to hear.

“Go to our place”, Jaeyun suddenly says, his big hands gently grabbing Sunghoon’s face as he looks at his closest friend with a genuine, encouraging smile, “she’s agreed to talk to you tonight. I’m gonna send her up there and distract everyone else. Just go, I’ve got this covered.”

Hoonie doesn’t even get the opportunity to thank Jake as he turns around and disappears in the living room, hyping the remaining members of your group up and doing exactly what he’s just reassured him of.

Exhaling deeply, Sunghoon finally manages to find enough courage to make his way to the floor above yours, into his own home.

The following ten minutes feel like the longest ten minutes he’s ever experienced and as the silence of his apartment and late february night slowly become his nightmare, his breath hitches in his throat the second his ears catch up on your footsteps on the other side of the door.

You don’t know how long it takes you to find enough courage to knock on the door of Jaeyun’s and Sunghoon’s shared apartment, but after what feels like an eternity to both you and your former skating partner, you finally get yourself to let go of all the worries and take a deep breath.

However, you feel yourself choking on that exact breath as the door slowly opens and you’re met with the sight of none other than Park Sunghoon. Your first love, your first best friend, the first person who’s ever made you feel worthy of love and affection at the age of six.

Different than you had expected of yourself, you physically can’t stop yourself from looking straight into his face.

Maybe it’s because after all these years of hating his features, you finally see nothing but the young, innocent little boy who didn’t know any better than pushing the ones who hurt him as far away as possible to protect his tiny heart.

Your eyes nervously roam his breathtakingly beautiful features, the usually so stoic and cold expression in his eyes replaced by nothing but softness. It’s not necessarily something you haven’t seen before, since it’s how he looks at his boys and the people he cares about, it’s the fact that after all this time, it’s aimed at you and nobody else.

Sunghoon doesn’t say anything. All he does is take a step to the side with his eyes firmly focused on the floor as he waits for you to walk into the familiar living room and hopefully are the initiator of the whole conversation.

But he knows you won’t be.

There’s something gleaming in the soft colour of your eyes which tells him what exactly your expectations are of this and for some reason a sense of pride washes over him.

No words are spoken as you sit down on the armchair you had gifted them at their housewarming party, the feeling of being all alone in this apartment with just him feeling weirdly comforting to you.

But then again, you’re not very surprised because one thing about Park Sunghoon is that he’s always going to make you feel at ease, no matter where you are.

For a moment it feels like his heart is going to break its way through his rib cage as the pace of his heartbeats increase by the minute, but as soon as Sunghoon finds enough courage to lift his head and look into your eyes, he realises that this is the moment he’s been waiting for all this time.

“I’m sorry.”

The first thing to fall past his lips is an apology, something neither one of you has expected, yet he knows there’s no other way to start this conversation.

“You don’t have to–”, “Don’t – please, don’t trivialize me or my behavior”, Sunghoon is quick to stop you from doing the one thing he’s always scolded you for back when you two used to be close, something you’ve always struggled with as the wish to be loved and appreciated by the people you care for always overshadowed the feelings you’re entitled to.

“I’m sorry, Y/N”, he begins again, the usage of your name sending chills down your whole body as you attentively wait for him to continue at his own pace, “for everything.”

You don’t respond.

Sunghoon knows it’s not because you don’t have anything to say but because you know him well enough to give him the time he needs to process the mess in his head.

“The day of the competition, the one we’ve practiced so long and hard for, I was so excited”, Sunghoon can’t help the smile forming on his lips as all the memories from the favorite time of his life come flooding back, “I knew we were going to kill and make it to the nationals, everyone knew this. But it wasn’t what everyone else was expecting of us, you know I never gave a fuck about any of them.”

All you can do is nod, your body tense as the blood starts thrumming in your ears.

“I was already surprised that we didn’t pick you up on our way to the competition but my mother just said that your siblings would tag along, which is why you guys had to take your car instead of ours, so I didn’t think much of it, until I was already changed and ready, waiting for you to join me on the ice rink during the warm up.”

A deep sigh follows his little story and you can tell from the way he’s rubbing his knuckles just how much patience and willpower it’s taking him to maintain his calm demeanor.

“When I finally saw that fucking monster, I actually felt relieved because I thought she was going to tell me that you’re getting ready and not to worry, but boy was I fucking wrong”, it’s then that his anger finally makes itself visible as the tips of his ears start turning red, his hands now nervously playing with his rings and you actually appreciate how hard he’s trying to keep his composure a lot more than he probably thinks, “I can’t actually believe how naive I was because deep down I knew you would have never done this to me. You were my best friend, the only person I’ve ever let close to my heart.”

It’s his affirmation of your feelings being reciprocated which becomes the trigger for your tears and before you can actually comprehend what’s happening, you feel a single tear leaving a hot trail on your cheek as it makes its way down to your chin, but all you can do is remain as silent as before.

“I guess the anxiety and excitement from the competition clouded my brain because when that bitch told me about how you had decided to quit partner skating because you never actually wanted to do it with me, I didn’t even think that she might be lying. Which is kind of ironic because I never actually believed her anything before that because I always knew what kind of person she is.”

You can tell how much he’s been thinking about his decisions from that day, how much it’s been getting to him and just how much he’s been struggling to accept his mistakes.

Sunghoon has always been his biggest critic, heÄs always been the hardest on himself and while back then you never understood why he chose to be like this to himself, you now know it’s because of the constant state of competition he’s been put under ever since his very first day on this earth.

If there’s one thing his parents have never even tried to hide, it’s their favoritism towards Sunghoon’s older brother, their golden child. You still remember all those times you could barely stand on your feet after a long day of practice, where Hoon would beg you to stay a little longer because he hadn’t perfected a move, his father’s hawk like eyes constantly spotting a new mistake, running the young boy’s self worth and perception. No matter how hard he tried, it was never good enough for his father and even if Sunghoon had accepted this back in his teens, you can still tell how much it’s still affecting him, breaking your heart into millions of pieces.

“So, they started announcing our names and everyone was looking at me”, another deep sigh falls past his lips, his eyes nervously roaming your face, yet skillfully skipping yours as the shame and guilt suddenly becomes more overwhelming than before, “that was the moment I knew I wasn’t gonna listen to whatever you had to say. I was so heartbroken, so angry, I just…didn’t know what to do, so I decided to distance myself from you. To be really honest with you, I never even realized how much I started hating until a lot later but at that point it was too late, the feeling of being betrayed by you, my dearest friend, was simply too much and every single thing I had felt before turned into anger and hatred.”

Sunghoon takes a deep breath and finally lifts his head, his longing eyes meeting yours as you watch the tip of his nose redden, a sight you’re definitely not used to and yet find some kind of comfort in. The fact he’s not holding anything back, not even his tears, calms you down because as the tears are streaming down your cheeks, you know you’re finally being listened to and understood.

“I hated you, so fucking much”, he breathes and runs both of his hands through his thick hair, “you used to be the only person I’ve trusted and seeing you live your life like you didn’t stab me in the back made me so furious, so mad all I wanted was to hurt you. I wanted you to be in just as much pain as me because I thought – I never could have imagined what you had gone through and by the time I was actually mature enough, my ego took over and your presence brought out the worst version of me.”

To hear everything from his perspective feels like he’s ripping up all of your old wounds, yet also healing the ones hidden underneath as he finally gives you the closure you had longed for, for so long.

“Everything I’ve said about you and in your face, everything I’ve done these past few years were because I was too hurt to even think about listening to your version of the whole story and I – don’t know how to even ask for your forgiveness, Y/N. All these years I spent badmouthing and belittling, borderline harassing and humiliating you are in no way excusable and I take full accountability for it. Even if I regret it all right now, I can’t take back all the pain I’ve caused you, no matter how guilty I feel.”

Sunghoon, as usual, chooses his words wisely, every single one of them well thought through as he tries to think of all the things he’s wanted to tell you.

“You know, deep down I always knew that I never actually hated you because no matter how hard I fucking tried, I always found myself wondering if you need anything, if you’re being taken care of, listened to. And I don’t think you have any idea how badly I wanted to be in the boys’ place and just hold you in my arms, tell you that everything’s going to be okay because you always make it through whatever life throws your way.”

His sudden confession definitely takes you aback and it’s then that you realize just how hard you’ve been crying. Usually you’d push yourself into survival mode and suppress all your tears for later, the urge to hide your emotions and especially your vulnerability, something you’ve perfected over the years, only for all of your hard work to be gone in front of Park Sunghoon, of all people.

“The night of Seung’s birthday”, Sunghoon gulps harshly as the memories from that particular moment hit him at full force, “I felt like a fucking monster. Nothing I say or do can justify, excuse or make up for the fact that I treated you the way I did and I guess that’s why I’m still struggling to find the right words to apologize.”

At first, you don’t hear the shaking in his voice as you try to focus on regulating your own breathing all while listening to him, yet as soon as his voice breaks off at the of his sentence, you snap back into reality and feel your heart aching at the sight of Sunghoon’s tears.

“I’ve caused so much damage, so much pain, I don’t – I don’t know how to – what to do or say, Y/N. But no matter what you choose to do after tonight, I’m gonna spend my whole life trying whatever it takes to be worthy of your forgiveness.”

You carefully watch the way he almost aggressively wipes away his tears, a desperate attempt to control his emotions and the longer you look at him, the calmer you become.

“There’s so much more I want to say but I just – I can’t find the right words because no words will ever do justice for the apology you deserve, Y/N”, Sunghoon takes another deep breath, “so please, just…say something, anything.”

The physical distance between the two of you isn’t bigger than a single step, yet you still find yourself getting up on your feet to sit down right next to him, your whole body shaking as all the things you wanna say to him rush through your mind before you look up to meet the eyes you’ve been running away for longer than you can remember, the comfort they come with so familiar, you can’t believe it’s actually been that long since you’ve last allowed yourself to get lost in the sweetest shade of brown you’ve ever seen.

“You know”, you begin quietly, too scared your voice might break if you speak up, “the first few days after that fuck up of a dinner party, I thought I could never forgive you, but the more I thought about you, the more I realised how badly I wanted you back in my life.”

Your words send jolts of warmth straight in Sunghoon’s chest, his heart feeling heavy as you crush all of his worries with just a single sentence, the way you’ve always done.

“I can’t lie and deny just how much you’ve hurt me, Sunghoon”, the urge to reach for his pretty face and pull him close to you feels overwhelming and you still manage to suppress it all as you focus on the things you know you have to get off of your chest first.

“I’m not even referring to the constant bickering and bad mouthing because everyone we both know, knows I did it just as much and bad as you, so I guess we’re even when it comes to that”, you can’t help but chuckle, the sound easily eliciting a soft giggle from the usually so stoic young man, taking even more weight off of your chest.

“That night of Seung’s birthday, I did what I did because I thought I deserved it and the first few times afterwards I craved the pain you caused because it was the only thing keeping me alive after the breakup with Jaemin”, you feel the tears pricking at the corners of your eyes and just as you’re about to swallow them, you watch Sunghoon throw his head back with a soft sob, tears streaming down his temples as he tries to comprehend the fact that his biggest fear had become reality.

Because deep down, he always knew you had used him to punish yourself, because nothing was as disgusting and humiliating as sleeping with someone who had spent so much time treating you like actual shit. Sunghoon never wanted to admit this to himself, simply to save and protect his own heart, so to hear you admit it like this has managed to shatter his world all over again.

“But then…you started kissing me, holding my face and my hands, you even once told me how pretty I looked and I got so confused because you weren’t supposed to make me feel worthy of it all but you did. And the best thing about it all was, you barely ever said anything. It was your actions which showed me how much you regretted leaving me like that after the whole shit show in the lockers room.”

You feel heat creeping up in your neck as all the memories from your moments of intimacy come rushing back but with a soft sigh you look up and realize how much Sunghoon’s been crying, so without overthinking it too much, you reach for his face, gently caressing his damp cheek only for him to quickly place a bunch of soft kisses into your palm as your touch manages to calm down his hitched breathing.

It’s like the world has gone to sleep to give you both all the time and space you need to process lal these weird, never experienced feelings and for the first time in your life, your brain has managed to quiet down.

“It took me a while to understand why I felt the way I did but that night in Tokyo, where you let me fall asleep in your arms, I finally knew”, you never once avert your gaze from his as you try to take deep breaths in hopes of him imitating you, a soft smile creeping up on your face when Sunghoon does just that and before another set of tears can find their way down his cheeks, you take his face into your hands.

“It’s because after all these years, you still feel like home, Sunghoon”, you whisper as your vision gets blurry and the lump in your throat doubles in its size, “you’ve always been my home and you know that.”

And with those words, you manage to not only break his heart into thousands of pieces but actually heal every single open wound in the deepest bits of his cold heart, something he’s been longing for all his life.

“I’m so, so sorry”, he suddenly sobs and tries to move out of your hands, only for you to gently tighten your grip enough to stop his movements, knowing you need him to look at you for all the things you’ve still got to say to be valid.

You’ve waited for this moment for so long, you weren’t gonna let this opportunity go, no matter how much more heartbreaking and gut wrenching it’s bound to become.

“You hurt me”, you say confidently, nto ready to give in just yet, not even to torture him but because you promised yourself to never, ever let yourself down like you’ve always done, “you broke my heart, over and over again. Every time you said something to or about me, you reminded me why my heart had gone so cold and I also wanted you to be in pain. You deserved to be humbled and put in your place for all the things you’ve said to me so I won’t apologize for any of it because even if it wasn’t right, I felt justified in my behavior and so did you, Hoonie.”

At the sound of his favorite nickname in your voice after almost a whole decade of deprivation, Sunghoon’s ears perk up and despite the agonizing pain in his chest, he feels a sense of comfort embrace him in a way only you’ve ever been able to provide him with.

“I haven’t forgiven you”, you quickly clarify, more to yourself than him since the little voice in the back of your head is still filled with rage and the bitter feeling of betrayal and humiliation, whereas your heart has finally started to bloom with nothing but love and adoration for the one and only man you’ve ever felt connected to.

“You don’t have to–”, “Yet. I haven’t forgiven you yet, Hoonie. It’s gonna take a bit for me to get over the whole lockers room part and also some of the things you’ve said because no matter how much you feel like home, the wounds are fresh and they burn. And I know yours do too, which is okay. I know we’re going to make it through this.”

Sunghoon looks at you with genuine shock and surprise fleming in his eyes, followed by a gentle layer of deep sadness the longer he looks at you.

“It’s gonna take a while but we’ve also grown a lot since then, we have a lot of catching up to do, right?”

The enthusiasm and confidence in your voice manage to ease his heart completely now and before Sunghoon can overthink any of it, the one question he’s been suppressing for God knows how long finally makes its way to your ears.

“Can I – hug you?”

For a moment Hoon’s genuinely worried about your reaction, only for you to nod and almost overwhelmingly quickly wrap your arms around his shoulders.

As you bury your face in his neck, you can feel his whole body losing every bit of tension, his strong arms finding their way around your waist, pulling you even closer and a row of soft sighs from the both of you filing the empty space of the quiet living room.

Neither one of you dares to say anything, not a single word. For a moment, you’re afraid that all of this might have been a dream as all the exhaustion and tiredness overwhelms your brain, pushing you into a headspace you’ve never been in before.

Maybe this is what it means to be held by the one you love.

After what feels like an eternity, Sunghoon gently pulls away just enough to keep you as close to his body as possible, his hands carefully holding your face as if he feared to break you like a fragile piece of glass when handled too harshly.

You lose track of time as your former best friend lets his eyes roam your face, memorizing the features he’s had to admire from afar, finally up close,his soft breaths fanning against your warm skin and if it wasn’t for the adrenaline rushing through your veins, you would have fallen asleep right then and there.

“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever had the privilege to lay my eyes on”, Sunghoon whispers and nudges the tip of his nose against yours, “and I hope that I get the honor of loving you not just in this lifetime, but every single one, Y/N. You know I never did, yet I will spend the rest of my life praying that destiny has written my name next to yours in every single universe because just thinking about loving someone who’s not you hurts my heart. My soul’s been longing to come home, snowflake, thank you for taking my hand and showing me the way back to where I belong.”

“H-Hoonie, I–”, “You don’t have to say it back, not now and not ever. Just keep looking at me with those eyes, will you, my love?”

All you can do is nod as Sunghoon pulls you into another tight hug, this time laying down on the couch, emotional and mental exhaustion overcoming the both of you and even if there’s still so much to say, you know that after tonight, everything’s going to happen when time’s right and as you slowly drift into the most peaceful sleep you’ve ever had, Hoonie’s gentle confession echoes in your head like the sweetest lullaby you’ve ever heard.

← 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 — 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 — 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 →

(A/N: i can't believe i'm finally back after exactly two weeks. this might not be what some of you guys expected but i'm very, very happy with how this turned out and i genui hope you guys love it just as much. i can't even thank you guys enough for all your love, support and patience, as well as all the reassurance and encouragement you've been sending my way. i love and appreciate you all so, so much and i can't even explain how full of love my heart is for you all. thank you thank you thank you thank you 🤍💐☁️✨)

TAGLIST: @soonigiri @en-happiness @lhsvibez @dammit-jjk @heerinnie @primroselover @jungwon-xo @szkstay @lostwonderwall @hoonieluv @certifiedmoa @doodlelibrary @ikeuizm @kpoprhia @sleeping-demons @imtoanonymousforyou @lalalovejay @ineedsomezzz @xrr-s4sha @viagumi @electrobutterfly @mimikittysblog @blurryriki @heelcvr @wonkifangirl @joonzseoulmate @kwiwin @hoondiors @seuomo @zerasari @love-you-twice @aloverga @marz-mars @velvtcherie @niniissus @abrazosolorcereza @ddazed-lhs @acphengene @skz-streamer @kshoshi @tya0 @yizhoutv @jebetwo @myheelody @seokgyuu @blockbusterhee @luvkpopp @heeslut4life

#enhypen smau #enhypen sm au #enhypen social media au #enhypen x reader #enhypen x female reader #sunghoon x reader #sunghoon smau #enhypen angst #enhypen smut #park sunghoon x female reader #park sunghoon smau #park sunghoon social media au #sunghoon smut #sunghoon angst #park sunghoon angst

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missmeinyourbones · 9 months

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we NEED "i'm just too soft for all of it." IWHT MEGUMI PLS IM BEGGING

I'M JUST TOO SOFT FOR ALL OF IT (m. fushiguro)

a/n: me making up medical shit LMFAO, repressed and emotionally constipated megumi, deadbeat dad t*ji, slight mentions and undertones of toxic masculinity

L’s MIDNIGHTS EVENT!

Since he was four years old and still growing into his long-sleeved sweaters, Megumi has learned to heal his own wounds or almost die trying.

A routine that he now knows like the back of his hand, he'd returned from his latest mission with weeping cuts and exhaustion clear beneath his eyes, making a point to stop at the medical closet before returning to his dorm. With Shoko's workday over, he makes a mental note to visit her first thing in the morning when he wakes.

He can make it through the night, he always does. Because Megumi is a thinker. He plans until he can't and covers all bases for when they're stolen. He gets by.

What he didn't take into account was potentially running into you, of all people. Dormitory halls barren and almost eerie, he nearly curses himself for brushing shoulders as you turn the corner on the way back to your own room.

Your timing has always been wrong, or maybe it's right and Megumi can't differentiate between the two.

And now he's here, on the creaky wooden floor of the medicinal closet, with you kneeling beside him and prodding at his injuries with tender wrists.

Never one to be good with idle hands, Megumi fidgets and tries to brush at the dried blood on his shoulder. The action has both of you hissing—him in a jolt of pain and you in reaction to his hurt.

"Don't touch it," your voice falters to be stern, still coming out so gently. Megumi thinks about the irony of that—of how you can't even be sharp if you tried. You're too gentle, too soft to even sound hard momentarily.

Humiliated at the mere idea of doing nothing, at needing help, he shakily exhales and returns his attention to the floor.

When the damp cotton pad in your hand touches a bit too deep in one of his cuts, Megumi does his best to save face but can't help the grunt of breath that gets sucked into his lungs.

Immediately, he feels you retract from his skin and coo your apologies. Carefully returning your attention to the burning wound, you do your best to soothe him.

"Sorry, it's deeper than it looks. Almost over."

Megumi's response is quick and curt, like a cut of its own, "It's fine."

You nod hesitantly before grabbing the bottle of antiseptic and another clean cotton round. The cleaning of his wounds continues in silence, though your thoughts are louder than anything.

His injuries vary in size. Some deeper, fresher, than others. Some looking like one-hit victims and others a repeated attack. You do your best to take note of where he's sensitive, where he's hurting the most.

When you reach a certain scratch on his bicep, you're able to catch a glimpse of his face. Sweat beading on his forehead and damp hair sticking to his skin, Megumi bites the collar of his uniform to suppress any kind of noise (weakness) from you.

When he slips up and lets out a guttural muffled groan, you think you might audibly whimper yourself.

"You can yell if you want to," you try to help him in any way you can, "or squeeze my hand or—"

"I'm fine," Megumi attempts to bark again, but this time is different. It's not cold or sharp like it was last time. You can hear how it shakes against the echos of the closet, how it sounds like the burn of tears building in a sore throat.

And between the pain everywhere he still has feeling and the intimacy of you carefully caressing him, Megumi finds himself tearing up.

"Hey," he feels you whisper, attempting to caress his jaw and prompt him to look at you, "hey, you okay?"

He can't find it in himself to answer nor lift his head, so he sniffles like a kicked child and crinkles his nose in disgust at his own pathetic actions.

Megumi is tough, one of the toughest people you know. You've seen him more beat up than this and barely break a sweat. Your head feels light at the realization that something's wrong. He shouldn't be in this much pain from the familiar burning of antiseptic he's felt a dozen times over. Maybe it's from a cursed weapon, or a technique where—

A stifled sob cuts you off.

Like a glass cracking beneath pressure, you feel something inside you break. No longer caring about cleaning his cuts or avoiding sensitive areas, you can't stop yourself from wrapping around his hunched frame.

Megumi's breath hitches as you hold him, feels your hair tickling his neck when you rub his back and whisper.

"I'm sorry, I know, but you're doing so good, okay? And I'm almost done—"

"Don't do that," he bites.

Assuming he's referring to prodding at a specific wound, you flinch and loosen your grip, "Do what?"

"Talk to me like that," he snarls with a crack, "in that—voice."

He feels your head remove its weight from his shoulder slowly, "Why?"

"Because I can't—" Megumi's voice almost breaks before he whines, gritting his teeth when he whimpers, "I can't handle it."

And just like that, Megumi is four years old again. He's scraping his knee on the concrete of his front lawn, and a blurry father-shaped figure with dark hair and legs far too tall tells him to be a man. Not being old enough to use the stove without supervision, but still knowing enough to save his cries for his pillow when Tsumiki is snoring and can't overthink his tears. He thinks of Gojo—of the first time he broke down in front of him and was met with whispers of good intent and love that registered in his brain as pity. Humiliation.

He doesn't realize he's crying until he feels your fingertips on his wet cheeks, replacing the stinging of antiseptic with a fluttering and velvety touch.

Between sniffled strings of apologies and a few hiccups of words that don't quite make sense, you piece together that Megumi isn't crying because he's in pain. He's crying because he can, because you're helping him in a way he never asked for, let alone known.

"I've never...been allowed to, like, feel—"

"Hey," you're soft again, as if you ever weren't. "I know," fingers delicately brush his sticky eyelashes when you remind him, "but you are now."

"Are what?"

"Allowed," you whisper against his cheek, "to feel however you want when you're around me."

And Megumi doesn't know how you do it. How you remain a light in a world that's constantly doing all it can to kick you while you're down. Maybe you're just naive, so stupidly optimistic that it'll eventually be your own demise. Maybe.

But, Megumi can't find himself to care, because he knows that for as long as he's on this earth, he'll be damned if he lets anything happen to that light of yours.

Back to reality and rubbing at his stinging eyes, Megumi softly scoffs. "Y'know, sometimes you look at me with those stupid eyes and I don't know what happens, but I almost feel sick."

Your laughter tastes like water, "I know what you mean. But in a good way though, right?"

"Yeah," he nods, "in a good way."

When Megumi's back finally hits his mattress at an ungodly hour of the morning—something he's been dreaming of since he'd left it hours ago—he's sickeningly sore and his eyes burn with hypersensitivity. He lets himself close his eyes thinking of your hands, the ones that soaked his now scabbing wounds and wiped his watery eyes.

Megumi plans, sure, but he never could have prepared for you.

#L’s MIDNIGHTS EVENT!#megumi x reader #megumi fushiguro x reader #megumi x you #megumi fushiguro x you #megumi angst #megumi fushiguro angst #megumi fluff #megumi fushiguro fluff #megumi fic #megumi fushiguro fic

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ghostlyferrettarot · 4 months

Text

•Pick an image: 🪐🖤Who has a message for you right now?🖤🪐

•Pile 1 •Pile 2 •Pile 3

❗️This is a collective reading, take what resonates and leave the rest❗️

✨️Paid services ✨️ (Natal charts and tarot readings)Open.

🖤If you like my work you can support me through Ko-fi. Thank you!🖤

🖤Masterlist🖤

•Pile 1: The hierophant, the empress, the two of wands.

Hi pile 1! I feel a lot of mature energy from this person, this a mentor/spiritual teacher for you. This person can be older than you, it has a lot of love for you as well, i get grand-parents vibes. There could be an important decision that you have to make right now, you can be torn between two paths; they are coming to tell you not to worry, you will know the right desicion when the time comes and in case you feel overwhelmed you can ask for guidance and they will help. You may be worry about you financial situation as well; don't worry about it, whatever seeds you plant will flurish succesfully. I sense a lot of love from this person, it feels like an strict mentor that has a soft spot for you and want to see you at your fullest potential, they want to see you step into your empress/emperor energy.

★Signs: the color green, golden jewerly, earth signs, hummingbirds.

★Song:

•Pile 2: Nine of swords, nine of wands, wheel of furtune.

Hi pile 2! I feel like you may be going through or has gone through a rough time, things have not been working out for you and you feel lost and discouraged.

This person is coming thrugh to reassure you that everything will be fine, after every storm, the rainbow comes. I sense masculine energy, it feels like a best friend/significant other who is gonna help you get through this. Whatever it is that happened you can have the safety that things will start to go on your favor, it may have even started for some of you. This phase was a significant one for you and although it was hard it has helped you heal and better up. This person energy it so encouraging, i feel a really platonic connection between the two of you, i see a lot of holding hands haha so maybe this could be important, it's so sweet; what a beautiful energy to have around pile 2!

★Signs: doves, light blue colors, i see a man with a beard, butterflys ✨️

★Song:

•Pile 3: The lovers, five of swords, three of swords.

Hi pile 3! I see that you have been prioritazing yourself lately, cutting people off and making important changes in order to keep you mental health in check, so proud of all your growth pile 3! This person it's someone who loves you really deeply, it feels more romantic than the other piles. I feel like this is a reward, this person will come into your life as a reward for all you hard work and improvent that you made. That are really excited to meet you, i see puppy eyes, full adoration from this person towards you.

The main massage that they want to tell you it's that they know its hasn't been easy for you, others probably hurt you, maybe it was "friends" or family members. They want to tell you that they are proud of you and that they cannot wait to meet you, for some of you maybe you have already met! This person energy its so caring and wholesome, so beautiful pile 3!

★Signs: oranges,summer, color orange and yellow, dogs, honey, i see tea for some reason, maybe they are more of a tea person reather than coffee.

★Song:

🖤Thanks for reading! Tell me if it resonated and i hope you have a great day!🖤

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satoruhour · 9 months

Text

a/n: i need college / uni bf!geto rn bc my hands hurt :( newly established relationship <3 0.9k, rich kid!suguru i guess? / tagging @crysugu @na-t0 @papersirens @hydrovillette

“didn’t i tell you not to go so hard on your essay?” geto gives you a small smile, countered by your cute pout in the dark room of your dorm. the way he lectures is gentle, having no bite to it because how would he ever dare to sink his teeth into something as sweet as you? he knows if he does, however, he just might become addicted to you. it’s clear already how the teeth is breaking skin and drawing blood just by the items in the room:

both your faces are illuminated by the fairy lights you begged suguru to buy — he gives in and buys it for you as always. it’s shown in the starbucks mug that cost ¥3300, the sanrio themed bed sheets that you’re now sitting on, the convenience store onigiris for you to store in your fridge.

“was rushin’ it before 2359, su, you know that…” you mumble more to yourself than your boyfriend, who’s staring at you as your eyes droop sheepishly to your connected hands. it’s not wrong that you could’ve started writing this essay a little earlier, cited your sources a little earlier, but you still managed to do it; at the expense of your hands. they ached and throbbed from the position they were in for the past few hours — at least you still had managed to submit it with two minutes to spare.

“but not to the point where your hands turn sore, my darling.” geto brings your hands to his lips to kiss, like the little gesture of love could magically heal you. it feels like it does. the tenderness of his touch, the roughness of his finger pads against your smoother skin, the thoughtfulness itself. you grunt a little in pain when suguru starts to massage the palm, digging his thumb in and dragging it up and down. he squeezes your hands, giving each finger its attention, wiggling the hands to loosen your muscles.

“you know,” you hum in response and look up from your flustered state to find him already staring at you, “my mom used to do this for me.”

“yeah?” you whisper, heart pounding in your ears. two and a half months in and geto suguru was already treating you like treasure, not at all what they say he is: conceited of his intelligence, rude, a know-it-all rich kid. sure, he was smart, he was rich, but he made it clear he had no interest in the industrial, business side of the family. geto was generally open about his past, his parents leaving the toxic world and giving their son an upbringing filled with unconditional love and openness. but people usually liked the juicier gossip; none of them had bothered to know geto for who he was.

“yeah.” geto brings you in via your hands, lips colliding clumsily against yours from the force and you both laugh softly, “said its been passed down in her family for the longest time.”

“it’s helping… a little,” you giggle, eyes memorising his eyes shone under fluorescent.

“is it now?” the warmth of his hand leave yours for a moment to tilt your head up, catching your lips properly this time as he moves slow. suguru takes his time with you, moving against you as his other hand still continues to massage. that was one thing he was good at too, multitasking; he plays with your hand, travelling over your fingers and stroking over each section and its nail bed and then pulling away teasingly while he continues to hypnotise you into a dance. you hear him hum into the kiss, exhaling through his nose as he now interlocks both hands.

“focus on the squeezes, baby,” geto suguru drives you insane, in that little silky voice of his and the slight lilt in his voice. you let him lead you, feeling the soft pressure of his hand as he brings them above your heads and leans forward. you make a small surprised sound as he brings you right down to lay flat on the bed, hovering over you whilst still giving those periodic squeezes, entirely at his mercy as his lips never stop. they come off to breathe for some air and you’re the same, flushed cheeks and swollen lips and geto lets out a shaky breath.

it’s only then when he lets go, caught in your trance. easily, he tugs you into his lap as he lays down, not sure if he could uphold his obsession if he was on top.

“is this really part of the massage process?” you ask, legs naturally going to either side of his hips as you lay on his chest. you smile to yourself when you realise how fast his heart’s beating. off to the side, geto finds your hand again: him with his left and you with your right and you tangle into each other with the choreography of a million sprouts in the wind. finger into finger and palm against palm.

“hmm…” geto feigns confusion, prompting you to turn your head towards him. you grin seeing his red cheeks, “nah, just deviating a little from the family recipe… is it working?”

“it was earlier but now? oh, no, not really.” geto’s eyes flutter close when you move forward just a bit to peck his lips. you twine your fingers with his; you’re getting good at this multitasking thing. “but wherever you are, i will always feel much better than i was.”

“good.” suguru mumbles with a lovesick smile, and he gives your connected hands a squeeze and a grin threatens to spread across his face when you squeeze back just as hard, “that’s… really good.”

#jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk x reader #jjk fluff #jjk geto x reader #jjk scenarios #jjk drabbles #suguru geto #geto suguru x reader #jujutsu kaisen geto #geto x reader #jjk geto #suguru geto x reader #geto smut #jujutsu kaisen fluff #jujutsu kaisen #getou x reader #geto x you #geto suguru

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lcvclywon · 1 month

Text

hurt people, hurt people.

back to masterlist

synopsis ᯓ You thought you and Heeseung would last forever, well it seemed so as your 3 year relationship was smooth sailing. But that all changed one night when he abruptly ended things between you two. Now it's been a year and you could successfully say you've healed from the breakup, but when you get a call from him the night before he leaves for uni, that statement might not be so set in stone.

now playing > •၊၊||၊|။||||| 0:10 the grudge - olivia rodrigo

warnings ˎˊ˗ cursing, crying, fighting, toxic relationship, heavy heavy HEAVY angst, err no comfort soz i feel evil

genre ⭑.ᐟ angst

pairings: non-idol ex!heeseung x female reader

wc ᵎᵎ 1.21k

thoughts frm yuya 💭 this is me projecting lolz sorry

Oh for fucks sake.

You let out a frustrated sigh seeing the caller ID that popped up on your phone. It had been 1 year since you and Heeseung had broken up and quite honestly you were doing great. You had finally healed from ending your 3 year long relationship, you were loving your life, meeting new people, you felt better. But that all came crumbling down when you saw that dreadful notification pop up on your screen.

In all honesty you really should’ve blocked his number, you had done so on every other social media platform, but for some reason you couldn’t really bring yourself to block his number. Whenever you try something simmered in the guts of your stomach stopping you. It was the same sensation you felt whenever you tried to throw away the last letter he had given you for your 3 year anniversary. You had tossed all the other letters, gifts, and sentiments out the second you ended things with him; but you could never bring yourself to throw out that last letter. Perhaps because that would mean Lee Heeseung would truly, permanently, and irrevocably be out of your life for good. But that’s what you wanted…wasn’t it?

Don’t pick up, a small voice in your head whispered. “Hello?”

“I thought you blocked my number” he replied, you could hear him laughing from his nose. Fuck you hated it, you hated it but you wanted to ingrave his laugh into your ribcage. Maybe then you wouldn’t feel so absolutely hollow whenever you forced out a laugh on multiple cafe dates with numerous other men.

“Well, I obviously didn’t” your voice was still shaky as you let out quivering exhales. Great YN, not even a full 5 minutes into the conversation and you already want to cry. “Why are you calling?” you manage to force out, tone still hesitant.

“Um-” he started “It’s my last day today, I’m flying out to uni soon…”

You didn’t realise his departure had already arrived. “I know.”

“I just uh-” you could hear from the other end of the line how he cleared his throat, before continuing with a voice mirroring the apprehensiveness of your own “I wanted to apologise, one last time before I leave”

“Oh…” you mumbled out

“I’m sorry for ending things like that” the moment he said that it all flashed back to you. That night you tried to lock away in the back of your mind suddenly unleashed itself from its cage. To describe your breakup in one word it would be: abrupt.

“We should end things” Heeseung uttered, leaving you standing there notebooks in hand, mouth agape, and heart absolutely shattered.

“What are you talking about” you managed to reply with, words choked out and shaking.

“I leave for university next year, I just-” he paused to look down before continuing “I don’t think we could ever be long distance, it’s too much for you and me. You’d still be in highschool and I’d be busy adjusting in uni, it just- I don’t think it’ll work. You were never even really attentive to me when we’re just a few mere minutes away from each other, how could we ever do that long distance?”

Coward couldn’t even look you in the eyes before breaking your heart.

“I was, really just an ass-” heeseung continued, snapping you back to the present “you didn’t deserve that and we both know it. I was just- really scared I think, of course that’s not an excuse…but yeah I’m sorry”

“It’s okay…” it wasn’t

A beat passes.

Now two.

You remain in an awkward limbo of deciding between ending the call or continuing the conversation. All the words you had pent up for the past year were on the tip of your tongue just itching to be said, but some part of you just wouldn’t let them.

“Do you-” he finally says between sniffles, oh great so he’s crying now “did you ever see a future with us?”

Of course you did, hell you didn’t even expect him to end things and he has the audacity to ask this? What was his issue? “Kinda I guess” you mutter out, barely eligible

“I did” A lie. That’s nothing but a lie. How could he even see a future with you when he walked out so easily? “I saw a future with us YN, I saw it and- I got scared to be honest. It was a future but it was built upon uncertainty, and I wasn’t ready for that. I shouldn’t have done that though.”

“Heeseung it’s fi-”

“Did you ever think about breaking no contact?” he interrupts “I did.”

“Heeseung.” his name is bitter as it leaves your tongue “Stop it. You’re being selfish.”

“Wh-what how am I being selfish” absolutely unbelievable.

“You’re saying this the night before you leave to uni, the night before you change your phone number, the night before you fly off to a completely new country not giving me any chance to ever see you again. That’s selfish. You were selfish when you broke up with me and you’re being selfish now.” you’re fully crying at this point

“YN I-” but you don’t let him finish that sentence

“You know you really aren’t allowed to make my life a living hell for 6 months and then waltz back in like you did no damage-” you choke out between sobs, you’re not even sad now, it’s just pure unrivalled rage and disbelief “You’re not allowed to do that, it’s not fair. None of this was ever fair. How come you can tell me over and over again how I’m never doing enough and beg for me to be more attentive to you then leave and cut me off so easily?”

The other end of the line remains silent.

“You’re not allowed to be the one to walk out, I wanted to be the one to do that. I was meant to be the one to cut things off, to leave, to walk out. I wanted to be the one to finish things, how could you do that?” you’re clutching onto your heart with a pain you could only remember experiencing once in your life: the night he walked out.

“YN I’m sorry I really am, I don’t know why I even called you tonight,” he stuttered out before pausing to curse under his breath “I just, I couldn’t just leave without apologising.”

“So what, you wanted to hurt me one more time before leaving?” you spat back, words plagued with anger and remorse

“I wanted to say that I loved you for fucks sake!” oh.

You loved Heeseung too, you knew that the moment you laid eyes on him across the basketball court when he shot that three pointer. You knew the moment he flashed that toothy grin. You knew the moment he traced his fingers across your waist as you laid together in the quiet of the night. And you still knew you loved him when he spat out those words that changed your life forever.

“Bye Heeseung, I really can’t fucking do this right now”

“I love you YN, I don’t think I ever stopped.”

You don’t return that sentiment before ending the call

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lieslab · 1 month

Text

Daddy issues

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Chan X gn reader

Summary: A simple phone call from your father and Chan's added anger makes you mentally crumble.

Genre: Angst & comfort/hurt

Word Count: 7.3K

Trigger warning: Parental issues, (specifically daddy issues) emotional abuse and neglect, physical abuse, a bit of an unhealthy romantic relationship, anger, self-hatred, blood, self-harm, mentions and attempt of suicide via razor blade, and a panic attack.

A/N: Even without the request, I feel like this has been a long time coming. Please heed the trigger warnings. Please. Shout out to all the baddies out there with parental issues. Shout out to all the Chan stans with daddy issues. You're so strong, keep going, I believe in all of you <3

Requestee, I hope this leaves you satisfied. I don't think you ever said you were struggling, but just by this, it seems you are. I hope this helps you cope with whatever struggles you either have had or currently are facing in life.

I did change a few things around to fit the story more, but most of it's the same. I think I got everything you wanted in there, besides those few minor changes. I also experimented with time jumps which is new, but I think they were needed for this one. This is a long one, so buckle up and please enjoy!! <3

_ _ _

The words are thrown around without much thought. Daddy issues this and mommy issues that. People wear them like a badge of honor. Always seeking out other people that can fill the gaps that their parents left behind. Searching for temporary band-aids to cover wounds that need stitches to heal.

Everyone wants to be perfect. Nobody wants to admit that the people who were supposed to love them the most fucked them up the worst. Nobody ever wants to admit that their nurture was ripped away before they ever got it. Cruelty swaddled them instead of sweetness. Neglect and despair instead of encouragement and understanding. Some people were doomed from the start.

At twenty-two years old, you understood that your daddy issues were a noose around your neck, they were always there. A poking twine that pressed against your windpipe and jugular. All it took was a few words and the noose tightened. It was suffocating, it was restricting, and it was paralyzing.

There was a devil and an angel on each shoulder. One was angry and smoldering. Smoke bellowed out of its ears and it was always ready to snap. The other was an angel, sweet and soft-spoken, constantly reassuring you that you had it better than most. Of course you did because, at least, you had a dad, right?

Any dysfunctional relationship could cause a rocky conscience. You swore you were doomed from the start. You’d never fall in love. Nobody would be able to care about you in the way you wanted them to. At least, it was like that until Bang Chan.

When Chan came into your life, you fell hard. You didn’t get a chance to stand before your knees were jerked out beneath you. He was strong, he was charming, he was dominating, and he was everything you wanted him to be.

Being older meant he had more wisdom and more life experience. He was soaked with the knowledge that you craved. He understood you, he got you, and heading towards his later twenties, he was hesitant when you showed up. While you turned twenty-five, he’d be thirty.

You didn’t let that stop you from wowing him. From caring about him with every fiber of your being, you would have given up everything to appease him and more. Hell, if he experienced organ failure, you’d cut yourself open without a second thought and rip it from your insides with a smile on your face. You were down bad, but your issues were still there.

You were aware of them when you seeked out his validation. When you kept asking if he was sure he still loved you. You couldn’t shake everything that your father had ingrained in you, but you were still so desperate to fill that void.

Some would say it’s weird, but you would say that you needed him to survive. You needed him. He was the air in your lungs and the familiar thump of your heart. You needed him as much as plants needed the sun. Like the Earth needed the moon and like bees needed pollen. You called it destiny whereas a few of your family members called it desperation, but they didn’t understand it. They just…didn’t get it. They had no idea what you had been through. They didn’t understand the gaping wounds that had yet to be stapled, but Chan got it instantly.

He realized it after you swayed the conversation in another direction at the mention of your family. He knew it when fathers were brought up and the hurt flashed across your eyes. He knew it when you clung to him like a koala with fear and asked for clarification on his thoughts about you.

You were damaged and he knew that. He didn’t mind because everyone had their issues and besides, at the end of the day, he still loved you as you were. He was thrilled to wrap his arms around you when you curled around him and point out everything he loves about you.

From the squish of your soft cheeks, the curve of your nose, the shade of your eyes, and the way you dress, he loved it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly, he gave the relationship his all; you both did. No matter how much the guys joked that he was a silver fox, he always rolled his eyes and shook off their comments. They were just joking and he knew that deep down, the guys cared about you too.

He knew a lot about you, but he didn’t realize just how much these issues bothered you. He didn’t realize that you were nearly suffocating yourself. Out of all the things he knew, he had no idea how much you silently suffered until you snapped.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

The day started a lot like any other day. You went to work and by the time you finished, you found a text message from Chan announcing that he’d be at the studio later tonight. It was one of those days where the creative juices were overflowing and he wanted to get everything worked out before he forgot.

You didn’t mind it and started to head home, but then you thought about the dimpled smile and sparkly eyes of Chan. God, you were utterly smitten. With a quick change of direction, you found yourself heading towards the JYP studio instead of your apartment.

Give or take twenty minutes and you were walking into your second home. The JYP building truly has become your home away from home. You came here a lot to support Chan and the guys. It was strange having an extra person along, but eventually, they grew used to your antics.

The guys accepted you with open arms and when you came around, they got excited. Sometimes you brought presents, like cookies. Other times, just your brief distraction sidetracked them from their ongoing issues. That temporary change of direction helped them sort out their issues quicker.

You checked in at the front desk and pulled on your guest badge. It was a new system that the company had been doing after a sasaeng had managed to gain access to the building. If you were found roaming the halls without a pass or a security badge, you were instantly booted unless you could properly explain yourself.

You tugged the lanyard over your head and practically skipped to the studio room. Upon knocking, the door opened to reveal Changbin. A grin pressed his cheeks up into points. “Hi!”

“Hey,” you returned the smile, “is Ch-”

He jerked the door open wider to reveal Chan in the background. Chan was directing whoever was in the booth. You picked up Felix’s deep voice in the background. Chan was sitting in a hoodie and a pair of navy blue basketball shorts. He bobbed his head along to the voice.

“You can come in, just try to keep it down because we’re rec-”

“You’ve got it.”

He opened the wooden door wider and you stepped inside. In the booth, headphones were over Felix’s ears. His messy blonde hair had been pushed around by the band connecting the ear covers.

His eyes focused on the lyrics as he sang. You slung your bag to the side and smiled as you saw Jeongin sitting on the opposite side of the couch. The two of you exchanged a wave and you quietly came to sit beside him on the opposite side.

Changbin snuck back into the chair beside Chan and Felix continued to sing. After a few more seconds, Felix’s voice cracked and he stopped singing. “Fuck!” He cried out.

“I don’t ever recall that being part of the song,” Jeongin mumbled.

“Yeah, what Innie said,” Changbin agreed.

Chan stopped the recording with a sigh. He pressed a button, so Felix could hear him in the booth. “Felix, is something wrong today? This is the fourth time your voice has cracked. Do you need us to change the lyrics or-”

“No! No! No! Of course, I don’t need you to change the lyrics! It’s just the pitch of the song. It’s so high and I’m really trying my best here, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get it or not and oh-” His eyes brightened when he saw you. “When did you get here?”

Chan shifted in his seat and blinked when he saw you behind him. You smiled softly at him. “Hi, baby.”

“What are you doing here? I told you that I’d be home late.”

“I know, but I just wanted to see you.”

“I’m busy.”

“I’m fully aware. I have no intention of stopping you from working. I’ll sit here silently without a peep. You won’t even know I’m here.”

“Yeah, right,” he mumbled beneath his breath.

Felix and Changbin both shot him a glare. Changbin’s fingers jabbed into Chan’s side. Chan was worked up and stressed because Felix wasn’t getting this part of the song. It wasn’t just Felix that had struggled, everyone was struggling.

Chan had created the instrumentals of this song and thought it’d be a home run, but he hadn’t considered how much the pitch would be a struggle for some of the guys. He was frustrated because if they couldn’t reach the right note, the song would have to be scrapped and he was distracted by other songs he wanted to work on.

Seungmin’s silky and strong vocals weren’t the same as Felix’s deeper tone. Han’s wide range of vocals wasn’t the exact same as what Minho was comfortable with. Songs could be challenging and this seemed to be the biggest challenge yet.

Luckily for you, you hadn’t heard Chan’s mumble because your phone vibrated in your hands. You swiped the screen before thinking and held the phone up to your ear. “Hello?”

When Chan rolled his eyes, Changbin slapped him in the back of the head. “What is your issue today?” He whispered. “Knock it off and stop being an asshole.”

“We’re busy and-”

“So tell them to leave and don’t be an asshole about it.”

“Easy for you to say, you don’t have a significant other always up your ass.”

“You're the world’s biggest asshole right now and unless you want to lose them, I’d drop the attitude. Just because you’re frustrated, it doesn’t give you the right to be a jerk. Use your words, you’re supposed to be the oldest in the room, so act like it.”

“Oh, so you’re finally picking up the phone this time?”

Your father’s voice in your ear caused your heart to sink to your stomach. The blood in your veins turned to ice. You shut your eyes before responding. “I’m sorry, but I’ve been busy recently and I-”

“Busy my ass. You can text your mother, but not me? I was the one who created you and you still can’t be grateful for that. Without me, you’d be nothing.”

“I’ve been texting the family group chat and I-”

“You know damn well that I don’t give a shit about no family group chat!”

You winced and pushed yourself up. Jeongin stared at you with a raised eyebrow. When you noticed, you flashed him a smile and held up a finger to let him know that you’d only be a minute. Before anyone could say anything, you disappeared outside the room and into the empty hallway.

“What do you want?”

“Is it a crime to want to know how my child is doing?”

Your stomach twisted into thoughts as your father scoffed. A frown appeared on your face and, even though he couldn’t see you, you shook your head.

“I’m sorry, but it’s difficult to find time to talk when we’re on different time zones and-”

“Bullshit! You’re an ungrateful piece of shit! I gave you this goddamn life and you can’t even come visit! I have to find out from Google that you’re dating an idol! What have you told him? Why won’t he come visit?”

“Nothing!” Your voice squeaked in shock. “I haven’t told him anything, he’s just so busy. He’s in a band and we-”

“Then bring him down here, so your mother and I can meet him! What happened to respecting your parents? I didn’t even give you permission to date him!”

As his voice raised louder, you tugged the phone away from your ear. A lump began to form in your throat as curse words were thrown your way. You shut your eyes and waited for him to calm down. Your hands were shaking as you mumbled into the phone.

“I think I’m losing reception, I’ll call you back in a while.”

“Don’t you fucking hang up on m-”

The click ended his words before he got out the sentence. All at once, the weight of everything fell on top of you. Insult after insult wormed deeper and deeper into your brain. You wanted, you needed, to speak to Chan. You weren’t strong enough to deal with this on your own yet.

You shoved your phone into the back pocket of your jeans and pushed the door open. Felix was singing again and your fingers curled into your palms. “Chan?” Your voice came out hoarse. “Can we talk for a moment?”

The sound of your voice caused Jeongin to look up with a face full of worry. Even Changbin glanced behind his shoulder to check on you. When Felix caught Changbin’s head turning, he looked up to find you rapidly blinking back tears. His singing stopped and Chan’s fist flew into the desk.

The rattling of the desk shook your soul. It started everyone, but you the most. Suddenly, you were five years old again in the back of your father’s van. You were weak and vulnerable. Defenseless, there was nothing you could do as your father’s wrath expanded along the four locked doors.

You sucked it in and you couldn’t breathe. Your heart hammered in your chest, but there was nothing, absolutely nothing you could do. You were five and yet the anger of a thousand angry men was cast at you.

It vibrated the marrow in your bones. The strands of your heart strings curled inward. Your childlike curiosity shattered in the backseat. Stay quiet, don’t utter a word, just take the yelling. Like a deer in headlights, you were trapped.

It funneled down your throat and created a lump. Crocodile tears appeared in your eyes. You sniffled and your bottom lip shook, you were alone once more. Alone in the thunder and anguish; the swirl of one man’s anger.

A flower in the middle of a tornado. Thrown, chucked, depetaled. Ripped from the stem and crushed between the winds. At the end, you were ripped to shreds and utterly defeated. Not even the thorns of your own stem could save you.

“Goddammit! Why can’t you just go home? I’m trying to work here and you’re ruining it! I don’t have time for you right now! Go home and I’ll deal with your bullshit later. This is my career we’re talking about!”

The song’s soft instrumentals faded in the background as the song ended. You couldn’t stop the tears from slipping down your cheeks. It stung more than you ever would have imagined. The words were a sharp sting to your cheek. The noose of daddy issues choked you again and you couldn’t breathe.

“See you later,” you mumbled as you tipped your head down and rushed towards the door. You pawed at your tears and rushed into the hall and down the corridor to head home.

“What the fuck was that for?” Changbin snapped.

“We’re working!”

“And they were crying! If you would have taken five seconds to look behind you, you would have-”

“Don’t try to guilt trip me! It’s bullshit! I probably hurt their feelings. Whatever. We have work to do. I’ll apologize later.”

While the two bickered, Jeongin stepped up and disappeared out the door to try and find you. Whatever you were struggling with, it hadn’t been good. Chan’s outburst had only made it worse and he knew that. He saw the terror in your eyes when the other person responded on the opposite end of the phone.

Felix looked from Chan’s angry face to Changbin’s scowl. When he caught Jeongin rushing out the door after you, his confusion only grew. “What’s happening?” He asked into the microphone.

Chan slammed his hand down on the button, so Felix could hear him. “Don’t worry about it. Get out of the booth, we’re going to take five.”

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

As you walked home in the whipping wind, your hair tangled around your head. It blocked your vision and the gray skies added to your warped reality. It felt like everyone and everything was against you.

That was the one fatal flaw with humans. When we enter a dark mindset, it’s the only thing we think about. The only thing we feel is the harsh and back-breaking weight of the world on our shoulders. The clouds close in and all feels lost as the rain pours down.

You walked quickly with your head down. Keeping to the sidewalks, you were nearly running. You were moving so fast that by the time Jeongin made his way outside the studio, you were already halfway down the road. He wanted to talk to you, but he didn’t want to frighten you. He kept his pace brisk, but he didn’t run.

He loved Chan for a wide variety of reasons, but he couldn’t believe he had just snapped at you like that. Of course, Chan was angry when he was mad, but this wasn’t okay. None of this was okay.

You sniffled and kept rushing as the wind cupped your ears. You were hollow on the inside. That faint flicker of light inside you had been kept going by Chan. It wasn’t the best idea to depend on one person to make you happy, but you didn’t know what else to do.

Your biggest fear has finally come true, everyone hates you. Maybe not to your face, but you can feel it. The bitter hatred that’s so vitriol, it’s rancid. A hatred that’s thicker than oil and stickier than jam.

You were looking at assumptions, not facts, but your brain was set in stone. No one would be able to save you now. You had fallen far from grace. Your issues had poisoned you from the start. Maybe, just maybe, you weren’t meant for any of this life.

Perhaps, you would take a chance and try again in the next.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

When Jeongin knocked, you didn’t respond. He shoved the hair out of his face and tried again. When you didn’t respond to the softer knocks, he knocked harder. When you didn’t respond to that, he held his breath and turned the knob to your apartment.

Breaking and entering wasn’t something he would have liked to go to jail for, but could you blame him? He knew you were hurting and he couldn’t stand the thought of you being alone and sobbing.

Chan’s words to you had been far too cruel. Sure he was angry, but anyone in the right state of mind would have realized that something was terribly wrong with you. It was a gut feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t shake.

His brain was screaming at him to leave as he silently ventured further into the apartment. One step into the hall and then another. He didn’t bother with the common courtesy of kicking off his shoes.

The place smelled like sweet citrus. It was a familiar scent that had belonged to you since he had known you. Once upon a time, Chan marveled at how much you adored citrus. If only he would have been here now.

The carpeted hall felt too silent. The living room was too empty as he stepped out into it. Bookshelves filled with books, a coffee table with the TV remote, photographs of Chan and the rest of the band on the back wall. Your friends were your everything and so was Chan.

Where were the photos of your family, he wondered. It was such a simple thought, but it flew by just as quick. Your presence was here, but yet you weren’t. Where were you at?

He softly called your name and stepped by the coffee table. The bar table in the kitchen had been left abandoned. The hum of the fridge caused his heart to strum faster. There was an eeriness that he just couldn’t shake.

Every fiber of his being was wound up. Loose floorboards creaked beneath his feet. He was sure that he had seen you enter your apartment. From a distance, he watched your figure fumble for house keys and stumble inside. Your hands brushed past your face and he was positive you were wiping away the tears that kept blurring your vision.

He called your name a little louder, but there was no response. His mouth dipped into a frown and he uttered your name again when a faint whimper caught him off guard. His spine stood erected as he waited for another sound, but it never came.

As he approached the room it came from, he was prepared for sobs. He was prepared for tears. He was prepared for the anguish that came with it, but he wasn’t expecting the bright red that began to seep beneath the bathroom door.

His heart stopped and for a brief moment, he couldn’t breathe. Nothing made sense. The circuit of his brain had stumbled across a trip. Something cut out and his brain whirled trying to reboot.

A scream ripped from his lungs as he rushed towards the bathroom and there you were. You didn’t stop. You didn’t even care or notice that he was there.

Full of self-hatred, you were cutting, no. You were sawing it out of you bit by bit. They don’t tell you that when you hate yourself, there is no pain in self-harm. It’s a dangerous sweet release. The stinging and burning sensation fills you with a sense of euphoric triumph. Self-mutilation feels like bliss and the cold blade in your hand feels like a friend. In some twisted way, it can be the best thing you ever feel.

There was blood everywhere. It dripped from the slices in your wrist. It saturated your clothes and it was all over the bathroom floor. Maybe you tripped and fell. Maybe you were set on killing yourself. Maybe you just snapped.

Human skin is so thin that it can easily be penetrated by a single piece of paper. So small, so little, and yet the fiery ache of pain is felt everywhere all at once. You couldn’t feel the fire in your arm. Gone into shock, your body had blocked you from feeling anything.

You weren’t even aware of Jeongin’s presence until he grabbed your arm. Your bloodshot eyes were watery as they met his concerned russet ones. “Please, stop,” he whispered.

With a snarl, you jerked your arm away from him. You started to scream and lash out. He grabbed your hand and pinned you down again.

“Get the fuck off of me!” You yelled.

“Please, please, please stop.” His voice wavered. He was terrified for you and he didn’t want to make it worse. He knew how much Chan’s yelling earlier upset you. He didn’t want to trigger you further.

“Leave me alone!” Your shrill voice cracked from desperation. “Get off! Let go!”

“No!”

You swiped the blade down with your hand, nearly cutting him in the process. Your head bucked as you tried to free yourself. He ducked his head with a yelp.

He shoved your bleeding body back onto the floor. Your free hand flew up, in an attempt to stop yourself, but it didn’t work. Your brain rattled around your skull as you were blinded by the sudden pain of it all.

Jeongin panicked as he desperately used the code word to activate the voice command on his phone. When you heard “call Bang Chan,” you lost it even more.

“Stop it!” He begged as you squirmed again. Your hands flailed and you yelled back.

Back and forth back and forth, you refused to let go of the blade. You gripped it so hard that you didn’t care that the sharpened blade cut into your opposite palm. You were fighting tooth and nail to keep a tight grip on it. You weren’t going to let go. Not even Jeongin, one of your closest friends, could save you from the demons in your head.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

In the studio, Chan was ready to slam his head into the wall himself. Changbin was non-stop lecturing him and once Felix found out, Felix was also up his ass. Nobody seemed to understand that they had a job to do.

When his phone rang, he used it as an excuse to leave the pair angrily grumbling to themselves. He stepped out the studio door, just as you had. He let out a sigh before he swiped and answered the call. “What do you want, Innie?”

A thump responded along with a yell. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “I.N? What are you-”

“Put it down! Put the blade down! Stop it!”

His heart suddenly turned to ice. “I.N?” He whispered. “What is hap-” The response that you gave nearly dropped him to his knees.

“No one cares! Just let me die!”

He suddenly felt like he was about to projectile vomit. His stomach churned and twisted and the world felt a little blurry. “What is happening?” He raised his voice and began to yell at the phone. “Jeongin?”

“Alexa, speaker phone!” Jeongin cried out. “Chan, I can’t stop them! Please! I need you! I don’t know what to do! They won’t stop hurting themselves!”

The world stopped tilting on its axis. The seconds froze in time. His breath caught in the echo-chamber of his lungs. “No,” he whispered. Tears pricked in his eyes and he suddenly rushed down the hall.

“Don’t let them die! Do you hear me, Innie? Don’t let them die!”

He flew out of the JYP building like a bat out of hell. He clutched his phone, now on its own speaker phone. This path that he used to practically skip after work because he was so excited to see you. Now it could potentially be the path to your corpse.

“Fuck!” He cried out as the struggle continued on the other end of the phone.

“C-Chan?” You croaked weakly. “I don’t wanna do it anymore. I-I can’t.”

Guilt swallowed him whole. He could barely breathe as he ran. “Baby? Baby, can you hear me? It’s okay. I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?”

“You hate me.”

“I could never hate you. I took it out on you earlier and I’m sorry.” His head jerked as he made sure he was pursuing the correct street. His footsteps thudded on the pavement.

“Listen to me, I need you to drop the blade. Can you do that to me? Listen to Innie and drop the blade. I’m coming, okay? I’m nearly there, just listen to my voice.”

To Jeongin’s relief and Chan’s surprise, there was a soft clatter as you released the blade from your hand. You were exhausted after fighting with Jeongin and the blood was starting to become tacky against your skin.

You hated the murky feeling that it left behind. Every movement of your wounded palm oozed more blood. Jeongin panted over your body. Your arms were pinned to your sides as he straddled you.

His own body was painted in your blood. Bright red handprints smeared across his white shirt. His light pair of blue jeans seeped it up like a sponge. There were even fingerprints staining his cheek from where you had swiped your hand at him.

“I’m almost there, I’m coming to the house right now. Where are you? What room?”

“Bathroom!”

Chan burst through the door and into the bathroom. His heart dropped when he found you pinned and nearly half unconscious. Blood was all over the floor. It was smeared against the bathroom cabinets and the tub.

Jeongin never took his eyes off you. He was too afraid that you’d find the blade again and do something worse. Chan ended the call and stepped over the puddle of blood leading into the bathroom.

He softly called your name and stepped beside you. Your eyes weakly met his. He felt like he was going to burst into tears. His knees buckled and he sank down beside you. He didn’t waste time grabbing a wet rag and shifting beside Jeongin.

“Innie, I’ve got it from here, go call an ambulance.”

Jeongin hesitated, but finally nodded and stepped out of the bathroom. Before he left, he kicked off his shoes, so he didn’t trample blood into the rest of the house.

The realization of your situation sent shocks of electricity buzzing through your skull. “Fuck,” you muttered. Tears began to build up in your eyes and they trickled down your face. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I-”

“Shhh. It’s okay, it’s okay. Just try to save your strength, okay?”

“I didn’t mean to,” your voice came out shrill.

“I know, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.”

The lining of your lungs seemed to thicken as you struggled to breathe in. You squeezed your eyes shut, but it felt like breathing through a straw. Your brain had expanded with every wrong thought and now you were suffering.

“Baby?” Chan whispered. He leaned forward closer to you and placed his hand over the razor blade, so you couldn’t see it. “What happened? What’s going on?”

“Can’t breathe.”

“Panic attack?”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay.”

“M-my dad,” your voice wavered. “I can’t-”

“You don’t have to talk.”

“Not a good relationship.”

“Is that who called you earlier?” His eyebrows furrowed with worry. “I assumed, but I didn’t know for sure.” He reached down and pushed a bit of hair from your face.

“He’s not good. H-he yells a-and-” You hiccuped, “abusive.”

“Oh, honey…I didn’t know. I-I was just so frustrated earlier, I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I didn’t mean to upset you and I-”

“I don’t feel good,” your eyes drooped further.

“Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Baby? Baby, listen to me!” Not caring about the blood, Chan cupped your face. “Don’t you dare give up! Stay with me!”

The last thing you heard were his desperate pleas as your eyes rolled back into your head.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

When you finally came back home from the hospital, Chan forbade you from going to your apartment alone. Instead, he was nice enough to open up his dorm for you to use temporarily. It wasn’t a permanent fix, but it was a manageable one for now.

Ever since you regained consciousness, everything had been so foggy, but you remembered bits and pieces. You remembered the wine colored blood and the fear on Jeongin’s face. You remember being unable to breathe and the desperation of Chan’s voice.

Maybe some part of you was glad that you couldn’t remember the entire thing. You weren’t sure that you wanted to remember traumatizing your boyfriend and your friend, at least, not the specific details.

Your hospital stay had ended up turning into a week-long stay. It turns out the hospitals don’t play when it comes to suicide attempts. You didn’t even try to deny it. There was a tender hurt inside of you that you had no clue how to fix.

It was a surprise when things that the mandated therapists were saying made sense. Sure, you knew things were wrong, but to hear validation from people, it made you feel a tiny bit better.

When you left, you promised to come back. There were parts of you that really did want to heal from all of this. You never wanted to put anyone through this ever again. When clarity came through at the hospital, you realized you didn’t really want to die, you just wanted the self-hatred festered inside your being to stop.

You wanted the negative energy to cease and you wanted to be loved. You wanted to be healed in ways you didn’t know how to heal. You wanted a lot of things and the therapists had promised that if you came back, they could start to help you turn things around, but you had to consciously make that decision.

You yourself had to focus on your own healing. It was hard and it was difficult. Healing is one of the hardest things a person can do for themselves, but it can be so rewarding. You don’t have to let your demons win.

“Fight back. Raise hell. Don’t let them win.” It was something another patient had said during a mandated group therapy. “I’m tired of letting the negative thoughts in my brain win. I want to live. I don’t want to just survive, I want to live.”

The more the people talked, the more you realized that you had some of what they were missing. Sure, your parents weren’t the best, but you had friends. You had a significant other. You had little things that some people craved.

For most of your time spent at the hospital, you were lost in your thoughts. You had barely uttered a few words to Chan. When Jeongin came in, you nearly collapsed into tears apologizing over and over again for scaring him.

He insisted it was fine, but you knew it wasn’t. Nothing you could do could ever take back the damage that you had given him. The nightmares, the trauma, it’d be something he might have to live with forever. Sure, it’d fade, but for now, it stuck to the back of his head like glue.

“So…” Chan’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts. The two of you were standing in the dorm living room. He had sent the rest of the guys over to the other dorm, so you could settle in. “Welcome to your new temporary home.”

This place really was your home. You had been here time after time again. These walls just might have known you better than your own apartment did. You glanced around and nodded. “Thank you.”

“I cleared out my room, so you can have it.”

“We’re not sharing?”

“I didn’t think you’d want to.”

Your hands tugged at the sleeves of your long sleeve shirt. Your fingers curled into them. The damage to your arm was so bad that doctors had a hard time fixing all the damage. They had also been concerned about infection since the wounds were so deep and there were multiple of them.

You played with the hems trying to find words to say. “I’m sorry,” you finally got out, “for everything.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“It is entirely my fault. I don’t know how to deal with things in a healthy way. I’ve been handling a lot on my own and I broke down. I snapped in the worst way possible. The doctors called it a nervous breakdown.”

“You know I’m not mad at you, right?”

“Maybe you should be.”

He shook his head, “I could never be mad at you.”

You lowered yourself to the faux leather couch behind you and slowly took in a deep breath. “I have a lot of issues and I’ve always known they were there. I just…” You shrugged, “I didn’t think something like this would happen. I’ve struggled with self-harm before, but I snapped.”

He sat across from you and shifted his body to face you. “I’m really sorry I yelled at you that day. I shouldn’t have ye-”

“You were stressed and upset, it happens sometimes.”

“That doesn’t make it right.”

“The therapist says I have parental issues from my father and it has affected me in a variety of ways. In fact, she said it’s why I’m probably dating you.”

“What’s wrong with our relationship?”

“She said I need to stop leaning on you to fill the void that my dad left behind and I hate that she’s right.”

“Oh…” His face fell. “So does that mean we’re breaking up?”

“Do you want to?”

He shook his head. “I don’t, but what about you? What do you want to do?”

“I don’t wanna break up either.”

“So…”

“So I’ll attend therapy and work on my issues. I’ll attempt to stop relying on you to make me happy because it’s not healthy.”

“Yeah…”

There was an awkwardness between you. Neither knew what to say and nobody wanted to harm the other. Chan finally broke the silence. “Can I hold you?”

You shifted and crawled over towards him. He was careful of the stitches in your palm and in your opposite arm. You curled into his lap and he pulled you to his chest. Your head leaned against the familiar thump of his heartbeat. “I missed you,” you mumbled.

“I miss you too.” His lips kissed the top of your head. Your sweet scent engulfed him. He leaned his chin on your head and shut his eyes. The warmth of your body was enough to set his soul ablaze.

“My dad wasn’t a good man,” you finally mustered the courage to talk about it. “He called me at the studio and I didn’t read the caller ID. I just wanted to see you after a long day. When I left and went outside, he just started yelling and getting upset.”

“He’s verbally abusive and a hothead. Ever since I was a kid, he gets angry easily and he can’t control it. He throws things, he swings, and he’d destroy my things. I lived my life in so much fear because he’d threaten to disown me. My family never did anything about it, they just let it happen.”

Chan’s hand went to your back. He soothingly rubbed it while you spoke. “I had no idea.”

“I felt like I shouldn’t talk about it because some people don’t have fathers. I should be grateful that I even have a father and I-”

“You don’t have to be grateful to someone who frightens you and makes you hate yourself. That’s not what a father should be. I probably enhanced your fight or flight instinct when I yelled at you, I’m so sorry.”

“Every time I talk to him, I feel miserable. All of them, I’m so angry at all of them.”

“You don’t have to continue putting yourself through any of that. You don’t have to talk to the people that make you miserable. Please don’t keep putting yourself through all this distress, baby.”

“I just want to be happy.”

“And I have no doubt that you’ll get there soon, sweetheart. When you’re feeling at your worst, you don’t have to turn to self-harm. You can come find me, yeah? I’ll always be here for you. Now that I know what’s wrong, I’ll be sure to never act like I did that day. I don’t want to lose you.”

His arms tightened around your body and his lips found the top of your head again. “You mean so much to me. I can’t imagine a life without you. I’d be devastated if you weren’t here. If you ever feel like that, come find me and I’ll distract you.”

“But that’s such a burden for you to carry.”

“It’s not a burden if I love you.”

You finally picked your head up and looked at him with teary eyes. His own eyes were similar as they looked at you. Without asking, you leaned forward and your lips connected.

It was pure bliss…until it wasn’t. The front door to the dorm slammed open. The crack of it into the wall sent both of you pulling away from each other.

Hwang Hyunjin sashayed into the room with a pair of sunglasses, a towel around his neck, and a blue pool noodle over his shoulders. “Surprise, bitches!”

“Hyung, you have no manners,” Jeongin grumbled as he stepped in behind him. When his eyes found you, he beamed. “Hi!” He waved excitedly and rushed towards the two of you.

Minho stepped inside, grabbed the pool noodle from Hyunjin, and bonked him on the head with it. “You insensitive fuck! I told you they couldn’t swim due to stitches!”

“Ow!”

Minho bonked him again. “You’re lucky you’re getting a pool noodle to the head and not a fist to your pretty face.” He glanced over at you and grinned. “Sup?”

Chan sighed and kept his arms clamped around your back. “I’m so sorry about them. I didn’t have time to tell you that I invited all of them over to hang out for a game night and maybe some movies. We can order your favorite foods and w-”

“Hyung, look at all my snacks!”

“Mine too!”

Han and Felix walked inside with grocery bags full of snacks. They wasted zero time going to the coffee table and dumping them out. The pair beamed happily as they waited for your approval and you managed a soft smile.

“You two waste zero time making messes, don’t you? Hey,” Seungmin called out and he nodded towards you. “Glad you’re not dead. I can’t wait to-”

The sound of Changbin screaming your name at the top of his lungs caused your eyes to widen in shock. Thunderous footsteps sounded from the porch and rushed inside. Changbin rushed in grinning with his arms outstretched. He was getting closer and closer until a pool noodle slammed into his face.

He stumbled back dazed and Minho rolled his eyes. He handed the pool noodle back to Hyunjin and shook his head. “You are all unbelievable. You have zero manners.”

“Strike,” Seungmin mumbled beneath his breath.

You snorted which caused him to glance over and grin.

“This is okay with you, right?” Chan glanced down at you. “If it’s too much, I can ask them to go back and I-”

You shook your head, “it’s fine. I’m not sure about participating in games, because uh…” You gently shifted your bandaged arm hidden beneath your long sleeves. “Movie night and food sounds wonderful.”

“Ya-hoo!” Changbin cheered. “Let’s get this party started.” He grinned and rubbed his hands together. “Oh, snacks!”

“Ah, ah, ah!” Minho ripped the pool noodle from Hyunjin’s hand and bonked him on the head again. A scowl filled Changbin’s face. “Let the guest pick first.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Hit him one more time and he’s going to lose the last brain cell he has,” Seungmin complained.

“Yeah!” Hyunjin agreed as he crossed his arms over his chest. Minho bonked Hyunjin over the head. He groaned and slumped into the recliner behind him. “Channie, hyung, he’s beating me up! He’s killing my brain cells too!”

“You idiot,” I.N huffed, “you don’t even have any to lose!”

“Hey!”

“So how have you been?” Felix asked as he got on his knees beside the couch. “Do you want a snack? Do you want to play Animal Crossing?”

“Or we could watch an anime?” Han offered with a cheeky smile. “Whatever you’re up for, we’re down with.”

“Exactly, whatever you want, babe.” Chan rubbed your back with some reassurance. “The guys and I got you.”

“Can I just observe you interacting with each other? There’s plenty of humor in that and I-”

“Oh, sure!” Minho beamed. He lifted up the pool noodle with a smirk. “Sit back and watch me play whack-a-mole.”

“Wait a minute!”

“Hey!”

“Don’t you dare!”

Without another word, Minho grinned as he started to take turns whacking the guys’ heads.

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