#it's fitting that this has been collaborative from the beginning to this part

[magusculpa]

Drunken Revelry makeover + reprint!!

(reposting bc i realised I hid my acct from showing up in tags aksldjfd)

I gotta share the new photos @stygiusfic took of Drunken Revelry because theyre SO GOOD

Anyway, the obligatory pitches:

Ease Off, my graphic-novel length ThanZag+Zagchilles+Patrochilles fancomic, is available for preorder until JUNE 3RD along with Drunken Revelry and others older comics!

✨Preorder + free comic links in pinned✨

[cilil]

Headcanons, re: Melkor's and Manwë's origins and relation

So when it comes to Melkor and Manwë I find myself in a bit of a "headcanon dilemma". On one hand, I really like the idea of them being twins, but on the other hand, a lot of stuff that I personally hc regarding their interpersonal dynamic and conflict rests on the basic assumption that Melkor is older than Manwë - not too much, as in not on the same level as I hc for the Fëanturi (with Námo practically raising Irmo), but a noticeable, significant amount. Enough for Melkor to have spent some time alone with Eru, let's say.

(Side note: I am aware of that one line stating they were coeval. What I'm going to say next will address how I'm trying to solve that conflict and afterwards I'll cycle back to it to explain why I felt like deviating from it/not taking it as literally.)

I've been rotating this back and forth in my head for a while, trying to figure out how I can fit these two ideas together, and what occurred to me now are two things:

The Timeless Halls. Timeless. Time doesn't exist as we know it there ("Then those of the Ainur who desired it arose and entered into the World at the beginning of Time" - Valaquenta)

Ainur are made from Eru's thoughts ("and Eru made first the Ainur, the Holy Ones, that were the offspring of his thought" - Ainulindalë)

With this in mind, as well as the fact that Ainur are spirit beings in general and exist outside of most "biological realities" (for lack of a better term) that inform the relations and interactions between incarnate beings, I think that Ainur twins don't have to be the same age. While coeval is defined as "of the same or equal age, antiquity, or duration" (source: Merriam-Webster), therefore having a clear temporal dimension to it, I would say that, under the above mentioned circumstances, such a notion would be more vague, have less clear boundaries.

(Personally, I see all of the Aratar as more or less "coeval", with the non-Arata Valar being a sort of "second generation" or "later additions" if you will, and the Maiar being made some time after them. My headcanon is that Eru had no plans to raise every single Ainu individually and only did so for the oldest Aratar, later relying on them and subsequently the other Valar and older generation of Maiar to raise and teach the young Ainur (and yes, parentification is a thing and yes, in real life it's a problem).)

Now cycling back to my original "issue" with the coeval line (not really, but just the reason why I wanted to read it a little differently), I felt like it was a bit... strange? thematically. Again, the part of Melkor and Manwë being essentially the evil and good twin is a dynamic I really like, but they're "made" from rather different "blueprints".

While Manwë has a special position as the Elder King, the other Aratar are his peers ("Though Manwë is their King and holds their allegiance under Eru, in majesty they are peers" - Valaquenta) and he's very much like any other Vala in the sense that he has one particular domain that informs his nature and where his talents lie and outside of that he relies on cooperation with his fellow Valar.

Melkor on the other hand (though don't get me wrong, he wasn't supposed to never go without any sort of collaboration or support) is special in the sense that he has a share in the other Valar's domains ("To Melkor among the Ainur had been given the greatest gifts of power and knowledge, and he had a share in all the gifts of his brethren." - Ainulindalë) and he's so vastly more powerful that he was able to hold his own against everyone else for a long time:

"Melkor must be made far more powerful in original nature (cf. 'Finrod and Andreth'). The greatest power under Eru (sc. the greatest created power).(1) (He was to make I devise I begin; Manwe (a little less great) was to improve, carry out, complete.) Later, he must not be able to be controlled or 'chained' by all the Valar combined. Note that in the early age of Arda he was alone able to drive the Valar out of Middle-earth into retreat." (Melkor Morgoth, Morgoth's Ring)

In my mind, it doesn't really "fit" for Eru to make this twin pair of Valar, born at the same time and presumably first, before all the other Ainur, and have one be this super powerful, not domain-bound Vala and the other being significantly less strong and very much domain-bound, as well as further restricted by not comprehending evil ("For Manwë was free from evil and could not comprehend it" - Of Fëanor and the Unchaining of Melkor).

What it does fit into is this idea prevalent in a lot of medieval narratives (broadly speaking) that the eldest son is special and usually the "greatest" and "most powerful", according to whichever metric is important in any given context. This idea can be found in Tolkien's works as well, one notable example being Fëanor.

Therefore I like to hc that Eru made Melkor first and, dare I say, made him in his own image as well. But then he quickly realized Melkor's potential for evil/his shortcomings/wasn't fully content with how he turned out/wanted to course-correct and "continued the thought" Melkor had come from, adding Manwë as his twin brother to balance him out; not in power, but in nature and purpose.

And the reason why Manwë knew that Melkor was like him originally, but at first failed to see what he turned himself into ("and he knew that in the beginning, in the thought of Ilúvatar, Melkor had been even as he; and he saw not to the depths of Melkor’s heart, and did not perceive that all love had departed from him for ever" - same source as last quote, sentence continued) is because Manwë came from that same thought.

~

So yeah, just my two cents and I want to stress again that these are my headcanons and my currently preferred reading and understanding of the above lines; the goal is never to say "you can't have your headcanons and here's why".

[grey-and-green]

Ineffable (pre-2000's) Timeline

Before the Beginning 

We don’t know how long before The Beginning this was, or how long they may have known each other in ‘heaven’ before Eden. We don’t know if one (or both) of them had their memory of the other erased (I think there's quite a lot of speculation about this, so I can't link just one example).  

Angel!Crowley is the most adorable thing in all creation, but he asks some very innocent and appropriate questions and Aziraphale is scared for him (and maybe scared of him?) 

Crowley shelters Aziraphale with their wing. Adorable. Love it. 

4004 BC: Eden 

Aziraphale gives away his flaming sword in his first official act of doing-good-against-God’s-wishes and Crowley immediately fucking eats it up.

"You're an angel, I don't think you can do the wrong thing" is well-intentioned but probably sets up a less-than-helpful anchoring point for Aziraphale's morality (see various points below about Aziraphale's moral evolution trajectory and rationalising Heaven's actions).

Aziraphale shelters Crowley from the rain (and the best part is that Crowley moves in, closer to Aziraphale, BEFORE Aziraphale puts his wing up. Fucking lovebirds. Ridiculous) 

3004 BC: The Flood 

Crowley seeks out Aziraphale at the flood. Essentially just shows up to flirt.

Aziraphale clearly doesn’t like the flood-and-death plan but he also isn’t ready to speak negatively about God. He defends the flood as “not that bad” and goes all “no comment” about killing kids (because he can’t actually defend that bit). Not a huge fan of heaven already by this point, but either too brainwashed or too scared (or both) to actively say anything non-conforming out loud.

Crowley is appalled by the idea of killing children, has always been a rebellious little cinnamon roll.

“You still have one [unicorn]” implies that Crowley either doesn’t know the point of the Ark (unlikely, he didn’t show up here by chance) or he doesn’t know about the birds and the bees. (Is it at all possible that Bildad The Professional Cobbler/Midwife still didn’t know what sex and childbirth were? No solid evidence that he had any plan other than pulling the ribs out. He’s so stupid)

(Theory: Others have considered that this meeting was more involved than what we’ve been shown so far because 1- by the Job incident Aziraphale is real damn convinced that Crowley won’t hurt the kids and 2- “sudden rainstorm forces them together under a canopy” doesn’t actually fit with either of the times our lovebirds sheltered the other under their respective wings, because neither time was sheltering “together”. So maybe this sudden rainstorm is what Crowley is actually referencing and there’s more here we haven’t seen). (Theory 2.0 is this wildly long meta that basically is a dissertation on why the kissed during the Flood and I’m here for it).

2500 BC: The Job Incident 

Ugh, I love this episode. Nothing but endless love for our baby Bildad.  

Appears to be a chance meeting between them.

They BOTH DEFY ORDERS to save the children.  

When the bird-goats make a noise, Crowley turns around before Aziraphale says anything. He was HOPING that Aziraphale would catch on, he was baiting his Angel to see that he was going to save the kids. Which, I mean, we all already know Crowley is a softie and he’s not really tried that hard to hide it from Aziraphale in the history we’ve seen so far, so…tone down the evil demon cosplay, babe. We’re past that.

Crowley saving the kids isn’t surprising. But we actually have a big jump for Aziraphale here. When we originally only had the Flood and the Crucifixion in S1, the evolution of Aziraphale’s “defence” of Heaven seems subtle and slow between those two short scenes. But throwing this epic story in the middle? Genuinely a MASSIVE shift from rationalising Heaven’s plans for the flood to assuming he knows what God is thinking + actively collaborating with a demon and trusting a demon more than his fellow angels + willing to be literally damned to save three random kids. (Could easily argue that this seeming anachronism in Aziraphale’s arc [along with Bildad’s stupid hair] makes it all the more plausible that there is a magic trick happening here).

Aziraphale says that Crowley is “technically” a demon. (I see what you’re getting at there. I see you, Aziraphale) 

Aziraphale tries human food for the first time. Odd sexual tension. I won’t elaborate.

When Aziraphale is sitting by the ocean, he’s waiting to be punished and thinks that’s why Crowley came over. But Crowley doesn’t know this. He was just coming over to spend more time with Aziraphale for totally platonic reasons.

Crowley has the chance to take Aziraphale to hell as a demon, and declines (hmmm, foreshadowing us all getting our hearts ripped out a few short episodes later???) 

Crowley’s appearance: people have speculated on why they look so different here compared to the Flood and the Crucifixion. My theory is that the other to flashbacks (seen in S1) are Crowley going about her life and just popping in to flirt with Aziraphale, whereas with Job, Crowley is showing up to work. The Bildad getup is a work outfit, demon cosplay. Long hair and no sunglasses is Crowley being himself, and silly hair silly glasses is creating a character to play while hiding his eyes because humans are around AND he’s vulnerable when hell is watching.

Bonus happy thought: when they get the kids in the cellar they start bickering like an old married couple/BLATANTLY flirting and the kids are just...so confused. Fucking delightful.  

33 AD: Crucifixion 

Crowley seeks out Aziraphale.  

Crowley has changed their name.  

By this time, when Crowley says “Heaven’s being a bit shitty” Aziraphale doesn’t actually defend Heaven? “I’m not consulted on policy decisions” is much closer to “I know they’re awful but I can’t change anything” as opposed to trying to rationalise that heaven must, by default, be good. (See note above about Aziraphale’s non-linear moral evolution).

Not much else here except Crowley looking their absolute most gorgeous in all of history.  

41 AD: Rome 

Crowley having a bad day. A lot of people have written about how after the Crucifixion and everything else that has happened so far, baby bean is fucking disillusioned as all hell.  

Crowley makes obvious ploy to get Aziraphale to ask him on a date, and it works. Delightful.  

Bonus happy thought: the little pins each of them is wearing on their togas? The fucking angel wings and the snake? Nothing but love for the Good Omens costume department.

537 AD: Wessex knights

No idea if they’ve met between Rome and now, but I’m pretty sure they have? Aziraphale recognizes Crowley’s voice immediately, I feel like they’ve talked sometime (oodles of times?) in the previous 500 years.  

Proposed Arrangement. Aziraphale very dramatically declines for corporate reasons. Not so much “working together is wrong” but that “working together is against the rules”.  

Could possibly argue that this feels like a step backwards for Aziraphale since the Job incident. But I think, no? With Job, the stakes were high and they were literally saving innocent lives. Here, The Arrangement is presented more like cheating on homework. Like, this is just a report for work, I’m not going to risk being reprimanded for something trivial like faking a sick day. Because Aziraphale still wants Heaven’s (God’s) approval quite badly: he’ll risk his life to save human lives, but not to save himself a trek to a castle.

1601: Globe Theatre 

By the now The Arrangement is well established. Aziraphale puts up a very lazy fight against it, but caves almost immediately.  

We can see already that Aziraphale is concerned that Crowley could get in trouble over their relationship, but I don’t think he has really realized how much danger Crowley is in? Like, if he genuinely thought destruction was on the line, he might have protested more. But it’s still important here that Aziraphale is concerned with Crowley’s safety above his own.  

I believe Aziraphale asked Crowley to meet up at the theatre from what Crowley says about “you said we would blend in with the crowds”.  

Bonus happy thought: I’ve seen people speculate about whether the coin toss was rigged. I choose to believe they BOTH rigged it so that Aziraphale would go to Scotland bc Crowley didn’t want to go, and Aziraphale knows that Crowley can’t ride a horse so was totally keen to save him from that ordeal.  

1650: not shown

Something happens and Aziraphale does the “I was wrong” dance 

I wrote elsewhere that this could be a promise of something we will be shown in Season 3 -OR- it could be a Clue that memories are missing (see The Magic Trick You Didn’t See)

Also, despite all the wonderful suggestions people have from actual history about what these two might have gotten mixed up in in 1650, my personal prediction is that if we see this in Season 3, the actual Thing that led to the dance will be extremely trivial, like Aziraphale knocks over Crowley's drink or something.

1793: The Bastille 

Aziraphale gets himself in a damsel-in-distress situation and Crowley “has to” save him. Obvious ploy to go on a date. Flawless.

Crowley is clearly following Aziraphale around, since he showed up at exactly the right time. Zero coincidence detected.

Aziraphale has absolutely no issue with the executioner being beheaded in his place. Bit ruthless to sacrifice a random stranger for the cause of taking your crush out to lunch.

At some point, Aziraphale does the “I was wrong” dance here. Hopefully over crepes.  

1827: Scotland 

Crowley essentially just takes Aziraphale on a date to a graveyard. Such a mood.  

Some obvious moral struggles for Aziraphale starting to realize that good and bad are not black and white and that extenuating circumstances exist.  

Whether or not you believe that this memory was tampered with, when Morag is dying, Aziraphale essentially asks for Crowley’s moral guidance. He could have just healed Morag, but he defers to Crowley for ?permission...I don’t know for sure, but it feels significant that he wants Crowley’s approval here before doing ‘good’. That has to mean something.  

“Last I saw of him for some time” is, at most, 35 years between here and St James Park, which means they are meeting up a lot more frequently now. We’re not regularly going decades/centuries between dates anymore. 

Edit: As others have noted, the wording in this diary entry is actually odd because when Aziraphale is writing this, he MUST have already seen Crowley again for that last bit to make sense. Which means we actually probably have quite a lot of “us time” between the Elsbeth flashback and St James park.

1862: St James Park 

Likely Definitely not the first time they have met up since the Scotland flashback (see edit above).

I THINK this is the first time we see Aziraphale’s personal tartan show up? He’s now officially created his own clan on Earth and is NOT wearing the official tartan of heaven. He later gives this tartan to Crowley which is Significant. 

Since our last meeting, Crowley has been dragged back to Hell and, presumably, punished, for what he did with Elsbeth/Morag. (The time spent in Hell was likely not necessarily a LONG time but still seems like it was a sobering event for Crowley where he seems to catch up with Aziraphale about how much danger they might be in).

Crowley asks for the holy water because he now realizes that he may need to protect himself (and Aziraphale?) from Hell if and when they figure out the scope of his ‘breach of the infernal code’ and retaliate.

1941: London Blitz 

Accepted by fans as likely the first time they have met up since the breakup in St James Park. As with the Bastille scene, it’s very clear that Crowley has been keeping track of Aziraphale (if not actively just following him around).

Obviously, canonically, the moment when Aziraphale realizes he is in love with Crowley.

Immediately after this realization, Aziraphale also realises how much Crowley is at risk from Hell by continuing to associate with him. This does not stop them from having a romantic glass of wine back at the bookshop.

Photograph of Crowley and Aziraphale exists, no clues as to what happens to it/who keeps it after the events of this night. I hope it’s in the photo album that I assume Aziraphale keeps with his diaries and little drawings of Crowley he’s made over the millennia.

At some point, presumably on this same night, Aziraphale does the “I was wrong” dance, but we don’t get to see that. Yet.

(Side note: I feel like by this point in their relationship, it’s really got to sting when Aziraphale assumes Crowley is the cause of whatever horrific thing humans are doing. I mean, what in the past 6,000 years would point to Crowley wanting to actually help nazis? It’s not funny anymore, Aziraphale, stop re-traumatising your boyfriend with baseless accusations.)

1967: Soho Heist 

Crowley plans the heist in the pub that is literally across the road from Aziraphale’s book shop 

Aziraphale finally gives Crowley holy water – whether this is because he’s actually worried about the danger of the heist, or if he has just come to his senses about the fact that Crowley is in mortal danger from Hell and may actually need a way to escape them if things go pear-shaped, or whether he’s just acts-of-love reaching out....could speculate for days on that.

He gives Crowley the holy water in a thermos with his personal tartan on it. 100% on their own side. Adorable.

Aziraphale isn’t wearing his bow tie in this scene. He still has his tartan, but he’s wearing it as a cravat instead, with his shirt unbuttoned at the top. I genuinely don’t know what this is supposed to mean, but the costume department is too good for it to be random. (It supposed to be flirty? Like, ooh, top button undone, basically naked? And that just necessitated losing the bow tie? Is there sartorial symbolism here about a cravat vs bow tie that I’m missing? Tell me what’s going on!?!)

“You go too fast for me” (ugh, gutted every time) 

Additional event: year unknown

In their earlier flashbacks, we see them travelling the world for their jobs.

At some point they both end up permanently stationed in London.

My assumption is - that originally it was just the two of them on earth, possibly for thousands of years. Then their territory was limited to the British Isles, and eventually, when there were too many “oodles” of humans, they both ended up just looking after London.

So, who was assigned to London first? Because it’s not a blind coincidence they’re both specifically in London - one got assigned to the London first and the other one deliberately FOLLOWED.

I am still updating this as I re-watch and read other folks’ posts.

These are mostly my observations with a few additional things thrown in that I’ve seen people discuss already here on Tumblr. I will try to link to them best I can, but my Good Omens saved posts are massive and I’m not sure I can find all the original posts who's theories I’ve mentioned here

[fanfic-obsessed]

Not quite a fall

Here is an idea that takes the horrifying absurdity of the Clone Wars and magnifies it.  Please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times…unless you wish to become part of the ride itself. Then grab onto these characters and you too can try to wrangle them. 

I do want to make it clear from the start that the Jedi Council and Dooku are making the best of some fairly shitty options, at this point and in the future. The Jedi do not know/cannot prove Palpatine is Sidious and the reality is that without absolute proof they risk being wrong and if they are then the real Sith master will go to ground and they will be left with nothing.  In addition Palpatine has contingencies for every aspect of his plan (and likely did in canon as well, if he had a contingency clones for himself), including if clones were found early, the chips did not work as intended, and the Jedi found out too early. It may not be obvious, or seem counterintuitive for the Jedi to keep walking forward, even knowing of the trap, knowing that so many would likely die in this fabricated war. But this is not meant to be criticizing the Jedi for the shitty options they had. 

Now we start with Yan Dooku, prior to his Fall. This is also before the Naboo crisis , in fact this is in the beginning when Palpatine is still manipulating him. 

*-As a side note, have you ever tried to look into the timeline for the clones and try to fit it into the greater timeline. That shit is wild. Jango Fett is recruited for Operation Knightfall-Order 66 and the clone project- in 32 BBY. This is the same year of the Naboo crisis and, according to Wookiepeidia, it is also the year that Cody was born. Based on what we know of the Kaminoan numbering system for the clones, there were at least 2 batches before Cody’s-The Nulls and the Alphas. Jango Fett was recruited by Dooku after his Fall, and he is said to have fallen after Qui Gonn’s death. I get that Palpatine had already been building towards this but man for this timeline to work Dooku had a quicker Fall time than Anakin-who went from ‘stop him’ to ‘time to murder children’ in a distressingly short period of time-  All this adds up to 32 BBY being, like, 2020 COVID  levels of crazy. Because we had Qui Gon’s death, Dooku’s fall, the recruitment of Jango Fett-I understand there was a bounty hunt as an audition-, and all of this happened in enough time for at least 3 batches of clones- possibly more- to be born in 32BBY. How long is the gestation period for the clones? How is gestation and decanting set up so this timeline works. The Galactic Standard year is a 12 month/368 day model. Even if we presume that the double aging is also present in gestation, thus instead of 9 months it takes 4.5 months, that is still 13.5 months for 3 batches. Even with a staggered start cycles-batch 1 is the start point, batch 2 starts a week later, batch 3 starts a week after that and we can get everything down to a minimum 5 months, there still so much shit that has to happen in 7 months-*

In this Dooku, as a Jedi Master, does recognize that he is being manipulated and goes to the Jedi Council. He has just enough proof to prove that the Sith were back but does now know who (He knows that Palptine is involved but does not know if he is a Sith, a willing collaborator, or a patsy). The council decides that Dooku would go undercover as it were, to pretend that he is falling for Palpatine’s manipulation and to let it go to its natural conclusion, which they all presume will end with Dooku pretending to fall.  Outside of the Council, there are only three other Jedi that are told of this assignment. Shadows Tholme and Quinlan Vos (though a senior Padawan at the time) were his contacts. The only other person told was Senior Padawan Obi Wan Kenobi, at the insistence of Mace Windu (Now this was not through some belief in Obi Wan as a person, or his value to such a mission. It was purely so that he could keep Qui Gon Jinn from flipping his lid when and if Dooku needed to pretend to be a Sith. Jinn was not told because no one thought that he could keep from endangering everyone through some ‘Will of the Force’ reasoning or trying to be ‘helpful’).  Neither Obi Wan or the Shadows are told who else knows (though Vos and Thome do know the other is aware), and Obi Wan still has no contact with Dooku, so this knowledge does not change much at first. To be exceedingly clear, Obi Wan is only told that Master Yan Dooku is taking a long term mission where he might have to appear to Fall, in which case Obi Wan is going to need to keep Qui Gon from interfering; he is given no other information about to mission or what is being found.  As it turns out Qui Gon dies just before Dooku ‘falls’. 

The clones are still commissioned, but they are not chipped; save for a single clone whose name later becomes Chip, this is the clone that Dooku shows to Palpatine as proof the plan was going as it should. This Dooku is more involved with the Clones. Though the trainers do not know it (having entirely bought into project Knightfall), Dooku carefully teaches the clones th truth of their existence (that the war they are being commissioned for is BS, purely a trap for the Jedi and that they would have been designed to both love and be forced kill the Jedi). In essence he trains them to be spies in the guise of soldiers.  He has reported the existence of the clones to the council, but like Dooku they are stuck by what they can visibly do with the information. There is some limited secret contact between the leaders of the clones (The Alpha’s as the Nulls had been adopted by Kal Skirata) and the Jedi Council, in which the Jedi Council apologizes for what is being asked of the clones and plans are made to help those that need an escape wherever they are able (Dooku ‘claims’ as many clones that were due to be decommissioned for his own ‘experiments’ as he is able, most of the time that meant that clones who were to be decommissioned were sent to live on a small, unpopulated moon in Serrano’s system-the exceptions to this were clones born with fatal, untreatable congenital defects, for example being without enough of their major organs that there would be no way to grow more before the child died in agony-those few who were truly not viable were given a painless death. It becomes a practice amongst the clones that anyone who truly did not want to fight would drop their scores into Decommission range). 

To this end the Coruscant Guard were specifically chosen because they were the best at that kind of subterfuge, the clone equivalent of the Jedi Shadows and the ones who could keep themselves hidden/shielded against mind control 24/7. Fox is the only non Force sensitive, near human in the galaxy who is entirely impervious to Jedi mind tricks and Sith Mind control, the reason he was given the command that would have given him the most contact with Palpatine. They find out, much later, that some strange mutation makes him entirely impervious to any Force based power that will cause him harm.

When the time comes to enact the plans to start the war, Dooku still sends Jango Fett to lure Obi Wan to Geonosis.  But Obi Wan goes to Kamino knowing that he was going to find the Clones (having been briefed by the Council, who had been informed by Dooku). Anakin is not aware of the second layer to their mission to protect Padme, having never been brought into the loop regarding Dooku.  Obi Wan and Dooku have a pleasant conversation about both Qui Gon (and how he was likely watching from the Force), and there is a plan in place for Obi Wan to escape before the gladiatorial arena in a way that still would spark the war, but not cost lives.  That plan had to be abruptly scrapped when Anakin and Padem showed up on Geonosis to ‘rescue’ Obi Wan, after they sent a message to the council.  One of the major changes to Geonosis is how Anakin lost his hand; it was not chopped off by Dooku but lost in an explosion caused by the droids. 

Here is where we start to get into the horror and the humor. Because this war is fabricated, a thing of smoke and mirrors whose sole purpose is to collect power for a few individuals. More importantly this is a Bullshit created war for the purpose of trapping the Jedi. The upper command on both sides (Jedi High council, Dooku and later Ventress, Palpatine, Grievous) know that the entire war is bullshit, though Palpatine does not know that the JHC are aware. The troopers, from the youngest to the oldest clones, are all utterly aware that the war is bullshit. They grew knowing they would be fighting in a war that was utter bullshit.  The reason that the Droids could not be programmed for critical thinking was that it took them a maximum one battle to realize the war was bullshit, and they were not pleased about being cannon fodder. 

In fact there were only two groups who were actually affected by the war that were not aware that the entire thing was contrived bullshit. 

Every office not part of the high command (non clone officers, Jedi Generals, the entire command structure between fielded droids and CIS Generals on Grievous's level-I have no idea how the command structure of the CIS army works and barely any more about the GAR structure but work with me here), which I tend to think of as the middle management is the first group. 

The other is the innocents being attacked by CIS forces.  To them the war is very real.

Until they know for sure who the Sith Master is Dooku, the Jedi High Command(now including a fully read-in Obi Wan), or the Clones cannot let on that they know the war is ultimately bullshit. And there are too many innocents at stake to completely blow off or fake fighting. Yes when Dooku, and Ventress after she is brought into the fold, are in command they tend to try and take worlds with resources but little to no populations and they disengage as soon as they possibly can,  but there are too many who buy into ‘The War’ or the power that they are getting to fake battles and in battles someone is bound to die. 

Imagine being one of the Jedi Councilors and high generals, knowing (instead of just suspecting) that every battle they go into is unnecessary bullshit to trap the Jedi. Knowing that their troopers know that they are being sent into battle for unnecessary bullshit, but everyone having to pretend that they buy into the bullshit, that they have to pretend ignorance of things so gallingly obvious.

-In this world the Jedi council has created a secret process for allowing the defection of troopers that do not want to fight. Pong Krell (who never got to the point of Falling, as he never got used to thinking the clones were non sentient) and a handful of other Jedi spread throughout the system's armies, maintained a deliberately high ‘casualty’ rate to go with their high success rate. Clones that wanted to defect were transferred to these specific battalions where they were ‘killed in action’ and transported to a way point that relays them to the planet the decommissioned clones went to. None of these Jedi know that Dooku is actually on their side, or that the whole war is bullshit, but they are able to hang onto their sanity a bit better for this process. -

Picture Dooku, and later Ventress, staring across the battlefield as horrified at the lives being taken as the Jedi. Still having to pretend to buy in, saying all the right things (Ventress does still take Wolffe’s eye, but it is Wolffe’s idea to help sell that Ventress is not ‘too soft’ on the clones she is fighting). Imagine having to calculate the exact point they can withdraw, when they have to press their victory for appearances. Knowing that they (as Ventress was completing her Jedi training under Dooku, who does not want her to be lost to the darkside) have to reconcile killing for the sake of appearances.  Having to bury their own horror when they work with other CIS high command, who very much know that the entire war is bullshit but don’t care, or are actively enjoying, the lives lost. 

It changes some details, both major and minor, on who dies when, but in the grand scheme of things this knowledge does not change the overall trajectory of the war (though Dooku is not killed). It is still three years in that Palpatine tells Anakin (who, at no point, is brought into the loop about Dooku, the defection of clones, or any of it-mostly because no one not in a very strict ‘need to know’ was told and partly because the Jedi Council allowed the clones themselves to decide who would know about the defection battalions; they could not quite convince themselves that he would not share that information where he should not) that he is the Sith Master. Anakin runs to tell Windu. 

But in this, instead of gathering the council to fight Sidious, Windu’s first action is to comm Fox. All he says to the head of the CG is, ‘Palpatine has just confirmed that he is the Sith Master’. 

Fox responds with, ‘I will comm you when it is done’.

Anakin is standing there, breathing heavily from running all the way from the Senate, very unsure what was going on but certain the announcement that Palpatine was a Sith should be taken with some more urgency than Windu was showing. 

Ponds enters and when he is told who the Sith is he sighs, deeply. “I was so sure it was that odious aide of Palpatine’s” (Whom Pond refers to only by the name of Bastard, if at all).

Just as Anakin is starting to become antsy (very much in the mindset of ‘shouldn’t we do something about the professed Sith in the same building as my secret wife?) Fox comms back. His hair is sticking straight away from his head (he found out that Palpatine’s Lighting did not hurt him the old fashioned way) and reports that Palpatine is very dead (each Guard wanted to make sure…and shooting is a good way to make sure), the Senate is in lockdown, to tell Skywalker that his wife is on a medical transport for the Temple’s Healing Halls (using those exact words),and that Fox will be filing a formal complaint against the Naboo education system for poor sex ed.  

After the call is done, the next call Windu puts in is to Dooku. Windu tells Dooku that it is time to come home.  Anakin watches horrified fascination as Dooku visibly sags with relief, saying that he and Ventress just need to tie up some loose ends here and to have a therapist ready. 

[marvelmusing]

In Another Life

Part Eight

Pairing: Aleksander Morozova x Alternate Universe!Reader

Summary: The Winter Fete goes smoothly, a perfect evening followed by a foiled assassination. A few days later, you and Aleksander journey into the Fold.

Warnings: canon level violence, minor character death (not graphic).

My Masterlist • Series Masterlist • Next Part

Music and conversation fills the ballroom of the Little Palace, as noble men and women mingle amongst the Grisha, all decked out in their finery for the Winter Fete.

The people are still buzzing with excitement after Alina’s performance. The power of the stag has given her a new burst of confidence, and you’re glad to see her step into her power.

Aleksander appears behind you, his head tilted down to speak directly into your ear.

“The matter has been dealt with.”

When you had warned Aleksander of an assassination attempt on Alina within the walls of the Little Palace, you know he had been upset. The thought of any of his Grisha not being safe here must be distressing for him. As a result, you had left the issue with Aleksander.

You nod, raising your drink to your lips as you murmur your response.

“Genya and Marie?”

“Both safe and unharmed.”

“Alina?”

“With Fedoyr. He will not leave her side unless she is with either of us.”

“And the perpetrator?”

At one point, you might have thought all your questions would annoy Aleksander, but now you know that he would never look down at you for being prepared.

“In custody. I will see to him later this evening.”

“I’ll join you.” His lips part, as if he’s about to protest. “Please. I want to know if I’m right about his motive.”

Aleksander nods slowly, though you can see the reluctance in his eyes. You wouldn’t be in any danger, but perhaps he doesn’t want you to see him while he interrogates someone. As if that would ever drive you away.

“You look incredible, might I add.” He says in a low voice that has a shiver running down your spine.

Warmth spreads over your cheeks, and you look down at your outfit. You and Genya had collaborated on the design, and you are very pleased with the result. The material is wonderful, and it fits you perfectly.

“I see you’ve brought your summer colours out early for occasion. A bold move.” You tease, referring to his black kefta. The same kefta that he wears every day. He narrows his eyes at you, and you take another drink.

“Your fiancé is approaching.” You nearly choke on your drink in alarm.

“What? Why?”

Once your gaze lands on Vasily, you see that he is indeed heading in your direction, and you turn to Aleksander with wide eyes. The corner of his mouth quirks in amusement as he answers.

“I believe he wants to dance with you.”

You place your glass down on a nearby tray, and begin to fidget with the chunky emerald ring on your finger.

“Oh no.”

Genya had helped to teach you the basics of all the dances that would be held at the Fete, but you’re far from confident. Certainly not confident enough to dance with a Prince - let alone the Crown Prince that you’re engaged to.

“Your Highness.” Aleksander greets him with a bow, and you do the same. Vasily smiles politely at you both.

“Might I steal your assistant from you, General Kirigan?”

“I’m off duty tonight.” You remark, and Aleksander sends a look at you, no doubt reminding you to pretend that you’re enjoying your engagement.

“Then I am most lucky.” Vasily says with a smile that looks incredibly forced. You mirror his smile, and decide to show Aleksander exactly how good you are at pretending.

“I believe I’m the lucky one, Your Highness.” He inclines his head.

“Vasily, please.” He insists. “Would you care to join me for the next dance?”

First name basis already. You are engaged after all, but the two of you have only exchanged a handful of conversations over the last month, which has been quite a relief.

You have the distinct impression that he’s only asking you to dance because of his mother’s insistences. Looking down for a brief moment, you smile and offer him your hand.

“I would love to dance with you, Vasily.”

He takes your hand, leading you through the crowd, and you cast one final look at Aleksander before he disappears from your view.

Vasily leads the dance, and you misstep on a number of occasions, your face burning with embarrassment every time. The conversation isn’t too awkward, despite several pauses as you go through the motions of the dance.

He asks you a few questions about yourself, and your answers don’t require too much thought. Remembering his interest in horse racing, you decide to mention the subject. For the first time, his face lights up, and he explains about his most recent purchase.

You know very little of horses, only what Aleksander has taught you, but you try to follow his explanations as best as possible.

Once you finally get into the flow of it, you think you could enjoy dancing. Only as soon as you start to think that, the music draws to a close.

When you step off the dance floor, the two of you linger beside one another for a long moment. You wonder whether he wants you to stay by his side now. Then someone calls out his name, and he turns in their direction.

Looking back at you for a brief moment, he gestures towards them.

“Please excuse me.” He says. You nod, bowing your head politely.

“Thank you for the dance.”

A slightly apologetic smile tugs at your lips as you remember the small wince on his face when you had accidentally kicked his shin. He takes your hand in his own.

“Have a wonderful evening.” He tells you, rather distractedly, pressing a chaste kiss to your knuckles. Then he steps away, melting back into the crowd.

The eyes on you soon find something more interesting to look at, though you still feel the weight of them as you weave through the crowd back to Aleksander.

He smiles softly when he sees you, finishing the last of whatever drink he had secured while you were away.

“How was it?” He asks, and you breathe out a small laugh.

“I’m sure Zoya found it very funny. She’s usually the one I’m tripping over during combat practice.” He frowns slightly as he places his empty glass down.

“Fedoyr told me you were doing well.” Now it’s your turn to frown.

“He must have been exaggerating.”

“Very well then.” He holds his hand out to you, and your brows lift in questioning. “Show me these atrocious skills of yours.”

With a small sigh, you take his hand in yours. There’s no arguing with Aleksander, though if you weren’t in public you might have tried to. But he has a reputation to maintain, and people would question your relationship if you openly defied him in such a manner.

“I can understand why you might have some difficulty dancing with His Royal Highness.” Aleksander muses quietly as he leads you through the crowd.

“Because I’m a poor dancer?” He shakes his head.

“On the contrary.”

Raising a brow at him, you wait for him to elaborate as you take your position on the dance floor. Nerves fill you once again, at the thought of making a fool of yourself two dances in a row.

Aleksander’s hand settles on your waist, pulling you flush against his chest, and you look down quickly to check your feet. He hooks a finger under your chin, raising your eyes to meet his, and the pad of his thumb grazes delicately over your cheekbone. His next words are a low murmur that sends a thrill through you.

“You need to trust your partner.”

Then the music begins.

Aleksander leads, and every step you take is synchronised with his own. Not once do you tread on his toes as you spin around the ballroom in his arms.

With every turn and dip, you find yourself unable to look away from him, or to fight the smile growing on your face as the music sweeps you up.

“Is the Fete living up to your expectations?” He asks you. Your smile widens and you nod.

“It’s more than I ever dreamed of.”

Something softens in his eyes as he spins you around fully. You’re glad Aleksander had asked you to plan the Fete. It had been nice to think about more trivial things, like having the chandeliers polished or commissioning an ice sculpture, rather than tracking down a mythical creature or fighting a war.

There’s a moment of silence, before you decide to bring up what’s been lingering in the back of your mind all day. This is the first time you and Aleksander have truly had the chance to speak with one another today.

“Are you certain Baghra won’t try anything tonight?” Aleksander’s brows crease together for a moment.

“She shouldn’t. But I have my men keeping an eye on her, as a precaution.” You nod.

“I meant to ask you about it before, but with all the preparations going on, it slipped my mind.” He nods in understanding, and you smile almost sheepishly as you add, “I may have created my own contingency plan, just in case.”

The corner of his mouth quirks with the edge of a smirk.

“I’m hardly surprised to hear such a thing.” He spins you, pressing your back flush against his chest for the next few steps. His lips graze your ear as he asks, “What is it?”

Turning your head, your gaze settles on his lips before they drift up to his eyes, and you remember that he had asked you a question.

“Alina will be spending the night with Nadia and Marie. A Winter Fete sleepover. That way Baghra won’t be able to find her, or get her alone, and Alina remains unaware.”

“An excellent idea.” He praises, and your cheeks flush as he spins you back around to face him.

“Thank you.”

There’s a small smile on his lips as he observes your reaction.

“I believe I should also be thanking you.” At that, your brows draw together in a small frown.

“What for?”

“Tonight. You’ve made everything… quite perfect.”

A comfortable warmth settles in your chest, like the glow of the summer sun over your skin, and you watch his expression carefully as you speak your next words.

“I know you don’t particularly enjoy the Fete.” His lips part, as if he’s about to make some sort of excuse. “I can understand why. Grisha are people, not party tricks. You shouldn’t have to prove your value to anyone.”

There’s a moment of silence between you both, where the sounds of the ballroom fill the lack of conversation. Aleksander’s eyes move away from yours as he assures you in a small voice,

“I can’t tell you what that means to me.”

Once his eyes meet yours again, you see the emotion in them, and you’re surprised you don’t stumble over your feet. A soft smile touches your lips, as you respond in an equally low tone.

“I already know.”

Aleksander smiles.

“Of course you do.”

»»---------------------►

Zoya leads you and Aleksander down the rough stone stairs, your footsteps echoing.

“Has he talked?” Aleksander asks her.

“A lot of lies. Ivan’s with him.”

The iron gate swings open with a screech, and you follow the two of them down into the catacombs underneath the Little Palace.

Stone walls encase you, the small space illuminated by a plentiful number of torches, flickering their amber light over the shadows.

Ivan stands straight with his hands folded together, and beside him a man sits tied to a chair. The man has a shimmer of sweat glossing over his features, some bruises already forming on the side of his face, and his clothes are crumpled, evidently from a struggle.

“I’ve been swindled. Hoodwinked.” The man says, his wide eyes looking at each of you as you approach him.

“My guards tell me that they caught you at the scene of an attempted crime.” Aleksander states calmly, his hands resting unclasped on either side of him.

The man opens his mouth, gaping for a moment, his eyes frantic.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He shakes his head, stumbling over his words. “I’m an entertainer. Oskar. Oskar Krepkov.”

Aleksander raises a brow at you.

“My assistant here organised every aspect of the Winter Fete. Including the entertainers. Does Mr Krepkov’s name ring a bell?”

Keeping your eyes on the man in front of you, a crease of feigned concentration crosses your face before you respond casually.

“Funnily enough, it doesn’t.”

“How peculiar.” He muses, walking slowly towards the bound man.

Grasping hard onto his forearm, Aleksander pushes the man’s sleeve up to reveal a series of black tally marks tattooed onto his inner arm. Each mark represents a successful trip across the Fold. There’s a startling number of them.

“Well that certainly is entertaining.” Aleksander says, his fingers pressing hard into the man’s skin. “You are the Conductor, Arken Visser, are you not?”

Visser swallows hard, trembling under Aleksander’s gaze. Once Aleksander releases him, he steps away, his jaw tense and his eyes dark with anger.

“You smuggle Grisha out of my palace.” Aleksander snarls furiously.

His frustration is tangible in the air, prickling over your skin. When Visser looks hopefully back at you, whimpering a quiet plea, your resentment rises to the surface and you snap.

“You profit off frightened children and desperate families. Don’t look to me for sympathy.”

If Aleksander is surprised by your outburst, he doesn’t show it.

“Would you like to hear my theory?” You ask lightly, but don’t wait for a response before you continue. “I think, a certain West Ravkan General has ambitions to rule his own country. To do so, the Fold would need to remain intact, which is where you come in, Mr Visser.”

The facade of frightened innocence slowly falls from his face with every word of your accusation. When you finish, Aleksander continues, circling Visser with a dangerous look in his eyes.

“You made a deal with him.” As Aleksander passes Ivan, the heartrender wisely moves out of the way. “You put on a disguise. And you played at being assassin.”

Visser straightens, staring back at you both with a resolute expression as Aleksander returns to his place beside you.

“That’s right.” He says. “Zlatan offered me a million to kill the sun summoner. So, give me half that. I can get close to Zlatan.”

Aleksander turns his head aside, and Zoya unfolds her arms, turning to leave. Ivan pauses for a moment, before he follows her.

For a moment, Aleksander’s eyes meet yours, a mixture of questioning and acceptance lingering there. He’s expecting you to turn away. You remain at his side. As their footsteps recede, Aleksander says quietly,

“No. I think I’ll handle that myself.”

With that, he steps back, turning on his heel, and you do the same. Aleksander brings his hand up, curling his fingers lightly as he calls forth the shadows.

“But I can help.” Visser calls out as the two of you walk away. “Tell me how I can help.”

Aleksander pulls his hands together, cupping his fist for a moment before he releases his right hand. With two fingers pointing upwards, he flicks them back in a tossing motion as he remarks in a low voice.

“You already have.”

Even without looking, you can sense the shadows swarming from the depths of the catacombs, creeping towards Visser. You hear him struggling to break free, panic in his movements, as the shadows lengthen around him.

Aleksander holds the door open for you, as Visser chokes out his final breath in the shadows.

»»---------------------►

“You should rest.” Aleksander insists from where he’s sitting at the head of the makeshift bed in his tent. “We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”

You shake your head, continuing to pace beside the foot of the bed. Tomorrow, you journey into the Fold. Hopefully, Alina will be able to fend off any volcra that come for you, but you’re still worried.

“Too much to think about.” You argue, but you still decide to lie down on the bed beside him regardless. Together you stare up at the ceiling for a long moment.

“Are you certain our plan for Zlatan will work?” He asks you. Mulling it over in your mind once again, you nod.

“If he’s coward enough to not risk crossing the Fold himself, a scare tactic like this will be enough to startle him and his followers. It’ll give us a time advantage to gain the upper hand. A show of strength, with limited casualties.”

Aleksander nods along with your reasoning, but you can’t suppress a small sigh as you run a hand over your face.

“I just hope I’m right.”

That isn’t the only thing weighing on your mind, and Aleksander seems to know this. His thumb rubs a slow circle against your bare forearm, that you’ve cast up over your head.

“Are you afraid of the Fold?” He asks softly.

There’s a pause before you admit,

“A little.”

He breathes out a small laugh.

“You don’t have to say only a little to spare my feelings.”

“Are you afraid of it?”

He goes silent at your question, but his thumb doesn’t stop its comforting motion. You wait patiently for whatever response he is considering.

“Did I ever tell Alina about Luda?”

There’s a softness in his voice, making his words feel fragile, and you study his face as you shake your head.

“She was a healer. The only healer we had at the time. There were less than twenty of us, in hiding, together.”

“When was this?” You ask in a near whisper.

“During Anastas’ rule.”

He nods grimly when he sees your expression sadden knowingly. Anastas was the King who placed a bounty on Aleksander’s head, dubbing him the Black Heretic, which eventually led to the creation of the Fold.

“She opened up a clinic, it was only a small cottage in the woods, but she wanted to help people.”

Looking up at Aleksander, you can see how distant his gaze is, lost in his memories.

“Ravka was growing worse for Grisha, day by day. I begged her to join us in hiding and she agreed, albeit reluctantly.”

His eyes darken, and you know the story is about to take a painful turn.

“The King’s guards found us before we could leave. Together, we tried to hold them off but Luda was wounded.” His jaw tenses. “I killed them all. But I couldn’t save her.”

Turning your body over to lie on your stomach and face Aleksander, you take his hand in your own. There’s a small smile on the edge of his lips, but he looks down sadly.

“She died because of me.”

You shake your head, and immediately try to comfort him.

“All you did was try to protect her.”

“And I failed.” There’s a sharpness in his eyes as he lifts his gaze up to meet yours. “I couldn’t stand it any longer. Watching my people die. Seeing them frightened and helpless. My grandfather thought merzost could be used to control people.”

The mention of merzost has your stomach plummeting. You hope that Aleksander will never have to resort to such measures again.

A different version of Aleksander, scarred and pale, exhausted by the creation of shadow monsters, fills your mind. An Aleksander you hope you will never see.

“I faced the King’s army alone, buying the few Grisha left enough time to get away. I tried to bend his army to my will.”

“Instead you created the volcra.” You say in a low voice. “Merzost always comes with a price.”

He nods slowly.

“My price was the Fold. Though I’m not the one who continues to pay for it.”

You can’t imagine how he must feel. Accidentally creating a blight that scars your country for centuries, claiming hundreds of lives. How heavily those losses must weigh on Aleksander’s shoulders.

“Alina never finds out how the Fold was created.” You tell him quietly, your thumb tracing over his knuckles delicately. Aleksander’s eyes are on you, as you watch the movement of your digit. “I think she just believes what Baghra tells her. That you created it in a mad ploy for power.”

“Did you ever believe that?” You shake your head.

“I always thought there was some sort of explanation for it.” Your eyes lift up to meet his. “Thank you for telling me the truth.”

“Thank you for staying to hear it.”

Neither of you speak after that, simply lying beside one another until you both fall asleep.

»»---------------------►

The next morning is bright and cold, despite the first signs of spring arriving. Pulling your cloak tighter around your body, you follow Aleksander and Alina as they walk through the camp at Kribirsk.

All around you, First Army soldiers stop and stare. Some kiss their saint tokens, while others pray openly for your safe passage. You don’t believe in the saints, but a small part of you hopes that prayers still carry some weight.

The rest of the passengers have already boarded the skiff, so the moment you set foot onto the deck, the final preparations are made. Alina stands at the head of the bow, staring the Fold head on with Mal at her side.

“Are you ready?” Aleksander asks you, coming to a stop at your side.

“I think so.”

He turns his head, looking up at Zoya. With a simple nod, he orders her to move the skiff. A breeze ruffles your hair as she calls forth the wind to fill the sails. The skiff moves forward, plowing resolutely towards the Fold.

No turning back now.

The darkness engulfs your vision, and without thinking you reach blindly for Aleksander. Even in the pitch black, you find him. His hand is warm, and he provides you with a comforting squeeze as his fingers curl tightly around yours.

Your eyes adjust slowly to the darkness, and the light of the blue lantern at the centre of the skiff provides you with some assistance.

As each second passes by, you grow more and more nervous. Alina’s hands remain at her sides, and the volcra cry out in the distance. Sickening screeches, that you’ve only ever heard in your nightmares.

“What are we waiting for?” You ask in a whisper.

Aleksander turns his head to look at the ambassadors and dignitaries assembled behind you. They shift nervously, looking around for any sign of movement lurking in the darkness.

“Building the anticipation.”

“As well as my stress levels.” You mutter, and Aleksander dips his head down to respond with amusement in his voice.

“Don’t worry, Ivan will keep an eye on your heart.”

How can he be joking at a time like this? Then he nods at Alina, and she casts her arms out.

Light blossoms out from within her, illuminating the deck of the skiff, and you breathe a sigh of relief. She channels her power into a long pathway, lighting the way for Zoya to guide the skiff onwards through the Fold.

In the distance you can see a bright dot of sunlight - Novokribirsk.

The sight of it brings some of your nerves back, as you remember what is to come - the rest of your plan.

Volcra continue to scream from within the Fold, and at one point a crooked talon reaches through the barrier of light, though it retreats with a whimper as the sun scorches its rotten skin.

The passengers seem much more at ease, and some even move to the side of the skiff to stare into the Fold.

Before you know it, you’ve reached the edge of the Fold, and the port at Novokribirsk is visible over the stretch of sand that covers the distance between you and Zlatan’s men waiting to ambush you. As Aleksander had ordered her previously, Zoya brings the skiff to a stop.

At your request, Aleksander had informed the Grisha about your plan. If things went awry, you wanted everyone to be on the same page - knowing that Zlatan is the enemy not Aleksander.

“One more demonstration.” Aleksander calls out, and the people behind you stare with a mixture of curiosity and confusion.

In the book, Aleksander uses Alina’s power to push the Fold outwards. Because of you, he doesn’t have access to Alina’s power. But you still have hope.

In theory, Alina’s light has carved out a space within the Fold. That darkness still exists, her light has only moved it, and you’re hoping that Aleksander has the strength to redirect the darkness towards Novokribirsk.

There’s a small familiar rumble, as Aleksander begins to summon the shadows.

“You’ve all seen what the sun summoner can do. Now bear witness to what I can do, now that the Fold is ours to control.”

He brings his hands together.

A frightening storm of darkness surges forward, heading towards the town. Even from this distance, you can see people running away in terror. With any luck, Zlatan will be one of them.

Aleksander’s brows are furrowed in concentration, and for a brief moment you worry that he might not stop. Then he drops his hands. The darkness halts in its wake, skirting the edge of the docks.

Silence falls.

The Grisha and soldiers surrounding you grin wildly, shock and delight filling their faces. Ravka is no longer a deadbeat country, fighting wars it can never hope of winning. For the first time, in a long time, the people have hope.

Aleksander turns to the ambassadors.

“Take what you have seen back to your own countries. Tell the Shu Han. Tell the Fjerdans. The Fold is no longer the burden it once was for Ravka. We are entering a new age.”

You’re reminded of something Aleksander should have said to Alina, when they had journeyed to Os Alta at the beginning of the book. The age of Grisha power is coming to an end.

Aleksander looks back at you with triumph shining in his eyes.

The age of Grisha power has only just begun.

»»---------------------►

marvelmusing Tag List: @dreamlandcreations @blanchedelioncourt @idaofinfinity @slytherheign @ellooo0ooo @vixenofcourse

In Another Life Tag List: @parabatai-winchester @dangerousbluebirdpoetry @jambolska-grozdova @mxacegrey @budugu @cynthianokamaria @scarlettqueen190 @eloquentree @sharp-cheekbones-locked @sorrow-and-bliss @biblophilefox82 @tartiflvtte @rainbowgoblinfan

Aleksander M Tag List: @nyctophiliiiiaaa @jazmin2211

BB Characters Tag List: @rachlovesactors @noortsshift @aikeia

[yannaryartside]

SYDNEY, PASTA, CARMY, AND FAILURE

When Sydney was trying to create items for the menu and failing at it, I kept asking myself why, why is he self-sabotaging now, even when she may have been waiting for a change like this her whole life.

There were some events related to her fear of failure, to pasta, and to Carmy, that created a unique avalanche of her own.

She tells Carmy the story of the incident that broke her business, about a mean lady who demanded fresh pasta that she couldn't deliver despite her best efforts. The failure was caused by improvisation on her part, trying to compensate for biting more than she could chew to begin with. 

In that same scene, she fucks up Carmy's recipe to ferment the pasta. Too much acid, when he had suggested her to add acid to another of her original dishes before. This was a subconscious response to how badly she fears to disappoint him, yet she does. Simple instructions, something she has done before, fucked up (remember the stock incident, even if it wasn't her fault, she felt humiliated). Pros to Carmy for actually reacting as a friend this time and the next scenario, even if that didn't help Sydney's self-critic too much.

Next time they cook together, Sydney fucks up another recipe, one of her own. Too much salt. Again, something she has done before.

And then, Carmy ditches her.

She has to go for inspiration alone, and what does she imagine as a possible signature dish? A pasta dish. It makes sense; it is an Italian restaurant, after all. 

When she imagines this dish, she imagines it plated on the circular black plate Carmy liked, the only one he wanted.

Later, after fighting with Carmy, she tries to make that pasta dish she imagined but fails at it. 

She cannot improvise or be creative because the last time she did that, she was punished by losing her business. And then made a recipe of her own, or tried to collaborate on another one, fucked up in front of her partner and idol. All these cases, in her mind, it connected to a pasta dish. 

images by @heardchef

She has failed in the same area (pasta) in different scenarios (Carmy and his standards, that is the same as saying the industry standard, her business, fucking a recipe) doubting herself to the point she has locked herself in an art block.

About Carmy ditching her on the food tour, for what we know, she may think that was something Carmy did on purpose as a way of saying, "You are a CDC now. This is your problem." She spoke to everyone all day, saying she had a partner, only to realize there is no such thing as a partnership at the top of this industry; you can pull your weight, or you sit your ass down. Nobody wants to feel like death weight in a partnership, and now she may feel she is lacking in the things that made Carmy choose her; that is why, in 2x09, under the table, she goes, "You could do this without me." The reassurance coming from Carmy completes her arc. 

Now, these some other thoughts on this:

Sydney may still only be able to define her own culinary success by the things that had made Carmy successful. Let's remember she is working for his family restaurant. Most recipes are his family recipes (filled with trauma, but we are not going to touch that today). He is the mold she cannot fit in, the plat in which she doesn't provide anything yet, to her eyes. This is a very common problem for artistic people, success is only defined by the people before you, if your own creative voice doesn't fit that mold, you may think you are not good, or ready.

She considers his experience more valuable than her own instincts, so I really hope she gets to resolve that. 

The inspirations he decides on would be pretty interesting since now she was only trying to fit the mold of her previous failures. Something is to be said about a woman of color, with a culture of her own, trying to fit in a Western-oriented industry, fighting to be taken seriously in what is considered "high-end cuisine." Someone made a post of a female black chef who won a chef competition combining her Italian and African heritage, something like that (at least until she gets her own spot), would be pretty neat.

Finally, and to aggravate everything, SHE IS RUNNING FULL SPEED. The sense of urgency that was very evident in s1. we don't know what makes her this way (it may be "working twice as hard to get the same recognition" or a different type of trauma). “Growing too much too fast" on her business, gambling on a shot on a kinda disgraced star chef in a chaotic environment, pressuring Carmy to change the restaurant on s1, pushing her dish to the food critic, all that collapsing on her all at once. Then she took care of her own and Carmy’s responsibilities on s2, because she tough that was expected of her. Too much, too fast. If she ever wants to make a path of her own, she needs to heal this.

[onlycosmere]

Not a writer at all: What's it like handing over keys to parts of the Cosmere to Dan and others? How do you see this collaboration working in the future once stories begin overlapping more?

Brandon Sanderson: It's very interesting. It's been, in some ways, a little bit easier than some of the other things.

One of the things I realized in doing some of my collaborations that I did in the past was that handing over a story that I had been working on was actually kind of hard. Like, I didn't get to write the story. And once someone else wrote it, then it was written, and there was a part of me that was kind of a little bit sad.

(Though some of those stories turned out fantastically, like The Original, which I wrote with Mary Robinette. She wrote it in a way I couldn't have.)

But with the Cosmere stories, we decided we're not doing that. What's happening with both Isaac and Dan (who are working on Cosmere stories) is, we sat down and we brainstormed stories in the Cosmere using some of my worldbuilding and things, but stories they wanted to tell that match who they are and their voices.

So these are not books that I was planning to write, that I had outlined. These are books we're, like, "You know what? It'll work better if someone else doesn't just try to do a Brandon story that Brandon was planning to write, and instead we let them take the worldbuilding, the basis, and extrapolate from it."

So Dan and Isaac and I have a brainstorming session every week, and we are working on just, right now, the worldbuilding and the plotting for Dan's story. And we've been spending a lot of time on it. It'll probably be another six months or a year before he even starts writing it, because we want to get it absolutely right. And it's a story that's doing the themes and what-not that Dan is really interested in.

We're just (Isaac and I) making sure to help out and make sure it fits in the Cosmere. So I think it's gonna be a different kind of collaboration that I think is gonna work really well.

And I'm excited by it. There's nothing for this one that I'm like, "Oh, I wish I could write that." It is absolutely a Dan story built for Dan. It's gonna be a lot of fun. I won't say anything about it. I want Dan to come on and be able to talk about what's exciting, why he's made the decisions he has.

But I'll say this: one of the nice things, we're in a spot where we can do something I never got to do when I was younger. Which is: have an art team do concept art. So Dan can say "I need this," and then the concept art team goes and comes back with twenty different versions of a worldbuilding thing done by three different artists, that he can be like "Oh, this is the one; extrapolate on this." It's actually a lot of fun.

Having a concept art team is something that most writers never get to have, and I am really excited to be able to have it.

[inthesirensandthesilences]

the long-awaited infinite jest review:

(at the request of @candytwist)

the tail end of my last real relapse, at least the last one that felt "significant" at all, my former partner-in-crime found herself incapacitated, so I, still wired beyond reason, sort of just slinked out into the night. with nothing else to occupy myself I watched the sun rise and the clouds move and picked at my face till it bled for the 2 hours it took for the next morning's bus to arrive. I got home, laid down, tried to close my eyes, pupils still buzzing, and I vividly felt my body begin to transform into a car.

I tried to "kick it" for the first time off a whim, just some sudden fit of remorse. the day before this whim struck, a friend, in fact a friend with whom i had Indulged before, invited me on a trip up to Canada to collaborate with a (to quote the venerable Carles) prominent "buzzband". but the next morning I went to pawn off my stash on a friend, and it was maybe at some point during that commute that I contracted some terrible disease that'd stack with my WD pains-to-come. and so for the better part of a week I laid in bed alone in my apartment sweating catpiss suffering a fever of Conner O'Malley proportions. again constant nightmares I was being transformed. they bled into waking delusions. I didn't really eat anything at all for 2 or 3 days. I was obviously in no condition to make it up to Quebec to claim the promised buzzband clout so of course that didn't work out for me.

that friend though, she ended up becoming a member of said band, and has since found lots of success, plentiful bookings, so I can only assume this has also brought her many more grams of assorted white powders. but I no longer really figure any part in her life so who knows. i very dramatically Made Amends with her a while back over something else but we don't talk beyond terse courtesies anymore. but whenever i see her, some part of me is constantly screaming, "it should've been me! it COULD'VE been me!", and that line of thought, if i trace it all the way back, leads to "ezra, if you never kicked meth, you could've been someone glamorous and important, but now you're not". but that's not true probably. it's just something out of my hands now.

DFW doesn't seem to have a particularly kind view of addicts, which i guess makes sense knowing he killed himself 16 years ago. he in IJ took the stance of Bill W. - that addiction is a mark on the soul you just can't ever shake off, you're fundamentally set apart from the rest of the world, and the only thing that could possibly help you is to offer yourself up penitent to your chosen higher power as however you may understand that phrase. of course no addict really wants to cop to that. i don't really want to cop to that! even DFW didn't really seem to want to either! and i say this because, even when his characters DO successfully grasp sobriety, they just remain stuck on the obverse face of the world. it's not something that's ever really rewarded:

Don Gately spends so many years Going Straight, but one fateful night he takes a bullet for Randy Lenz (an unrepentant coke addict! a man who kills animals with shovels for fun! who just escapes into the night afterwards!) and suddenly he's paralyzed in a hospital bed, facing jail time, unable to speak. his ability to influence the world around him has ended - he's become a FIGURANT!

Hal Incandenza kicks the Bob Hope habit, starts hitting up meetings, but a few weeks into sobriety, just as he realizes he's starting to feel emotions again, he too suddenly finds himself completely incapable of forming speech. poor Hallie's become a FIGURANT too!!

Hal's father, J.O. Incandenza a.k.a. "Himself", the most central character in the entire book - sober for months, but one day someone gives him that bottle of Wild Turkey, he takes one sip and promptly blows his brains out in a microwave oven. but, dead to the rest of the world, years later he appears to Gately in his hospital bed as a wraith to deliver to him his speech about the FIGURANT!! "No way for a figurant to win.", he says, "No possible voice or focus for the encaged figurant"!!!

and it's the wraith scene, that quote in particular, that seems like the key to all of it to me. it's about losing your ability to influence the world, to not be able to express yourself, to fade into the background. it's a quality totally independent of sobriety. you might just fade away. it's just totally out of your hands. it's Himself's greatest fear, it's DFW's greatest fear, and really it's MINE TOO.

i can't recommend this book more.

[flanaganfilm]

Hi Mike! Just wondering about the wonderful Katie Parker. Since she’s been a part of the Flanaverse for a pretty long time, I was wondering how she joined Absentia and which of her roles in your work is YOUR favourite? Personally I can’t get over how good she was as Poppy.

Also just want to quickly say I’m so excited to see T’Nia again in Usher. Thank you and have a lovely day!!

I first met Katie back in - I want to say 2008? Somewhere in there. She was friends with my girlfriend at the time and soon we were friends too. She was an actor struggling to find footing in LA and used to come over for movie nights and crash on our couch, and as time went by I started to think of her as a sister. I was working full-time as an editor on reality TV shows and trying to get something started. I wrote Absentia as a project for my friends to star in, so Katie's role was custom tailored just for her. Same with Courtney, Dave, Morgan and Justin. We were all living in LA and had similar dreams, but were all struggling to pay the rent and this was a chance to make something together that might get noticed.

(Above: The first table read of ABSENTIA, sometime in 2010)

We had a blast making that little movie, and it actually did what we all hoped it would do - it kicked open some doors, and led to Oculus being picked up by Trevor Macy at Intrepid Pictures (who has produced everything I've made since).

Katie had a small cameo in Oculus, playing the phone store clerk who sells Brenton Thwaites his first cell phone after being released from a lifetime in a mental institution. The scene was sweet and Katie was great, but it wasn't in the final cut of the film. I think it may be available on the blu-ray but I'm not sure to be honest. Katie remained a great friend, but there weren't really roles in the following movies that were a perfect fit. When I got my first shot at making TV, though, I really wanted her to be in The Haunting of Hill House. She auditioned to play Joey, the recovering addict who befriends Luke. The studio wanted to go another way with the part, and so I decided to write the new character of Poppy Hill for Katie instead, and she absolutely crushed it. It was meant to be.

(Katie as Poppy Hill on the set of The Haunting of Hill House)

After that, she was kind enough to take a smaller role in a much bigger film, portraying Silent Sarey in Doctor Sleep.

(Katie signs autographs at the premiere of Doctor Sleep)

When it came time to make The Haunting of Bly Manor, I had a fun idea for Katie and my wife Kate to play the doomed sisters in one of our coolest episodes. It was exciting for Hill House fans to see them together, but it was really terrific for me to have so much trust in two actors who could make such a huge impact in one episode.

After Bly, Katie joined us for The Midnight Club, and has a wonderful role (and does some of her absolute best work) in the upcoming The Fall of the House of Usher. Just before those, though, she joined us at the Saturn Awards in LA, where we had an impromptu Absentia reunion with my sibling Jamie Flanagan and my dear friend Doug Jones, both of whom acted in that little movie all those years ago. It was really neat to see everyone in the same place again, and think back about how far we've come since those days filming in that pee-covered tunnel.

Katie is a phenomenal actor, and I was lucky enough to work with her at the very beginning of my career, and now five more time since. She's unique among the family of actors that I've accumulated over the years, in that she was there from the very beginning. We sat in a tiny apartment in Glendale dreaming of making movies, worrying about paying our rent, and trying to figure out how the hell to get where we wanted to go. I'm proud to know her, proud to collaborate her, and proud to call her family. I expect you'll see her in many, many more Intrepid productions for years to come.

[turigirl]

Could you tell us either abt ur ocs or your f/os? :-)

hi anon i love you

my ocs that ive been thinking about most lately have been those under the tag "fine & mellow" :o) theyre a 60s girl band! ive read a lot about the dynamics of popular bands, specifically in this time period, and i think the love-hate relationship that usually results is really interesting.

i think if i ever illustrated it in some way (art or writing or etc) id want it to be a comic. maybe a webcomic, maybe a physical comic. im not super sure on that.

id want to include things like interviews, magazine covers, album covers, photos of them, etc, played as from a real band (as real as a picture of furries can be). i have a list of album names and song ideas for each one (some being existing songs to pretend are theirs, some being "original" songs. meaning i made it up)

the band is founded in 1959 by dominique dalmatian, who is the main character. she's reserved- not shy necessarily but cautious of every new person she meets. she has bpd (projectionn of my symptomsss) and depression that creeps in slowly and immobilizes her. and she plays bass! she has a strong work ethic and will push her feelings (and others') aside to finish her work, in this case being f&m's albums.

fine & mellow is the name of the band, by the way, to be clear. it's named after a jazz standard and slowly becomes more and more ironic.

there are other guitarists before, of course, but the most important one is laura labradoodle. she's peppy and brings a lighter tone to their music as well as a more romantic light. shes a brilliant songwriter, despite it being really just a hobby. shes a full time photographer when they recruit her. when she joins in 1962, the band as a whole changes. she and dom write songs together, becoming closer and closer. that relationship and how it bends and breaks is especially what i would focus on. there's something so heartbreaking about getting so close, hearing a part of the others soul, only for something to backfire and send the band into a downward spiral.

clears my throat. so anyway, the drummer is named lolly lamb, and she stays from the beginning (until she's pushed out by jackie, who you'll hear about in a sec). she adores 40s and 50s fashion and has a seemingly instinctual sense of beat. drumming for f&m started out as a favor for her friend and ended up becoming so much more for her, and the rest of them.

in early 1964, after a couple months of no creative breaks, laura brings in... a hairdresser. her name is jackie jackrabbit, and she stares at the other two like they've grown new heads. but she's laura's friend, and they know the moment she sings with them that they've got something special. jackie is a little snobby and a little blunt, but manages to fit in fairly well. she can't play an instrument, but her singing ability more than makes up for it, and laura hands her a tambourine a few months later.

they release an album in july, and it seems to be the domino piece slowly falling into place. after months of arguing with jackie, lolly leaves the band.

they hire a session drummer, LAYLA, but she quickly becomes their permanent drummer for their next albums. layla (stylized in all caps) is the stage name of susie sloth-bear, a drummer who first got famous as a model. but she was good, playing as a session drummer across the states.

but the making of their next album with layla is FULL of arguments, and they go on a 5 month hiatus. the hiatus gave them the new material they were looking for, but they struggled to work together in making them. most of the songs on the next album would be mainly played by one individual member. only layla collaborated with the other three. the damage was done, and their 1967 album, fittingly titled "kill the lights," would be their last.

so that was kinda long, huh? i still don't have everything set in stone, but here's a summary probably way longer than you expected. they also all have refs! which are on my toyhouse (link). i would upload them here, and someday i might get around to it, but i dont have the energy to write ids for all of em. so. ill leave it at all this. if anyone has any questions, though, id be happy to answer :o) im still workin out the kinks!

[boundinparchment]

Dream a Little Dream of Me - XXXVII

Celestia has a cruel sense of humor. He’s always known this, ever since his days as a student. But a soulmate? Really? Dottore/Female Reader Soulmate AU. Lore speculation, interpretations, etc. AO3

He hated how your hand felt in his.  Your fingers seemed to fit so well together and your bare hand against his covered palm was no different than it had been in any dream except for the heated reality of it all.  

Talking to you was one thing.  Touching you to make a point was another.

Touching you for no reason at all other than emotional support or to reassure himself that he was awake were concepts he never put any thought to.  

It was as if once he’d pushed your hair back, removed your Akasha and made you tangible, he couldn’t imagine not being drawn to you.  Like the first time he saw the Ruin Golems and discovered the Schwanenritter who piloted them, you, too, were another part of the universe that he could not pull his attention away from.  Just when everything was beginning to make sense, when he was finally understanding how to fit this bond to suit his purposes, his body reacted as if you were the strongest substance and he could never get enough of it.

Curiosity jolted through his mind as the two of you stood there on the beach; any other time he might have considered this to be a dream if not for the pressure from your fingers, as though he were your anchor to keep you grounded.  The only steady thing about him was the insatiable need to tear down the sky and false stars with it.  

You were a liability to that goal, an embodiment of everything that ever…

And yet, too, you were the perfect opportunity to get a first-hand account of what it meant to know someone as well as one knew themselves.  Better yet, Omega had presented a challenge that he couldn’t ignore: putting a new concept into practice and a need to help fix the otherwise impossible.

Your instrument, now nothing more than splinters of wood, was a better place to start than your psyche.

Every direction his mind turned, there you were.

He’d read account after account of soulmates finally coming across one another and he’d studied magnetism thoroughly to the point of absolute boredom.  From a conceptual standpoint, the analogy some used made sense; drawn to each other like two magnets, always pulled back to one another regardless of circumstance.

You were, still, a stranger to him in the waking world, he reminded himself.  Words were one thing: actions were another.  Speaking of you coming with him to Snezhnaya and all that it entailed was easy.  Any speculation was always easy.  He should have been more plain with you.  Perhaps then, you would be scared, or at least hesitant in what embracing this, even in part, would mean for someone so emotionally in-tune.

Emotionally…ah, perhaps that was the key for you.  After all, it had only been after you’d awoken that you manifested your weapon and actually attempted to fight back.  

Without an outlet, perhaps this would be a little easier.

In the back of his mind, deep within the Segment network, he could hear the constant whispering amongst his other selves.  He had grown used to it over the centuries.  It was filtered out just like the inane droning from his useless professors as a student and the ridiculous whining from the nobility who positioned themselves against the better interest of the people they served.  The hive mind was, at times, louder than usual, but it was always manageable.

“I know what needs to be done, Prime.  Do you?”

The words echoed in his mind, through his body; if one were not in tune with the other occupants as he was, such words could have passed for his own thoughts.

“My plan requires both of us.  And her.”

“Oh, collaborative efforts, Omega?  That’s a first.”

“You cannot return to Snezhnaya.  Not yet.  Not until I have the Gnoses in hand.”

“You make demands of me, do you?  After everything you’ve done?”

“It is beneficial for her to see the work you do.  The level at which you, all of us, operate.  This does not impact the larger plan.  In fact, it fits quite well.”

Not unlike your hand in his, he briefly considered, before shoving the thought to the far reaches of his mind, away from the network.

“You will have everything you require, Prime.  I am nothing if not efficient.”

Omega’s voice died down, became part of the chatter again, and Dottore shifted his focus, this time to the wood in your other hand.  He’d examined it thoroughly and his mind was already filled with ideas that made his fingers itch even more.  

These were thoughts best suited to paper and pen; he only hoped he retained these sensations long enough to get them down.

For he could not bear the idea of never feeling your notes pour over him again, eliciting sensations he had long forgotten.

You could not stay on the beach forever, not with patrolling guards and not when you were unlikely to return to the hotel.  Zandik shattered the silence as he let go of your hand and returned his mask to his face.

“If you are done here, I still have other matters to attend to in Sumeru before we can properly leave for Snezhnaya.  In fact, I wish to observe something with you.”

He had seen the look you wore a thousand times before, when grief and hopelessness sat and curled onto itself and made a home in one’s heart.  Despite your bravado, your willingness to put thoughts into words, your mind was heavier than you let on.  Cellos were hardly rare, although he conceded that yours, perhaps, was of a quality no longer in circulation.  Nonetheless, instruments were merely tools.  They could be replaced, enhanced, their new counterpart better than the original.  He could understand the sense of violation but truly, it was just wood, metal, and other resources.

Perhaps your grief might be useful after all, he mused as you replaced your footwear and muttered to yourself about the pervasiveness of sand.  If he never felt the grains against his skin again, it would be too soon.  He hated this place, be it the jungle or the desert, and a tiny part of him yearned for the vast wasteland of snow and ice.  At least ice melted.

“Where—?” you asked, tucking the remnant of your instrument into your pack before standing.

“You’ll see.  Clear your mind and come here, in front of me.”

Zandik held out his hand, palm up, revealing the blue fabric of his gloves, and once again tried to rid his mind of how he wished he didn’t enjoy the sensation.  The gloves helped but only just.  

When you didn’t step closer, either out of respect or fear (not that he cared), he pulled a little and held you against him, disgusted that his own heart continued to fail him as it skipped as he inhaled your shampoo.  Leyline travel didn’t work with a mere clasping of hands.  It would be easy to lose you in the veins of the world and as amusing as that could be, it was not the purpose he sought.  You were warm against him, in his arms, and he found himself wishing he had not abandoned his coat and endured the awful humidity.  One more layer between you both wouldn’t have gone amiss; your palm against his chest burned like nothing he ever felt before.

“Close your eyes.  Don’t open them again until I say,” he commanded.

You inhaled, closed your eyes, and then exhaled.

He reached for the closest pulsing vein and dove, keeping you tight against him, into the tide of the world.

________________________________

You were falling, falling, somehow heavy and light all at once.

But you never met the ground.

The only tangible thing you could sense were the arms around you, stronger, firmer than his form gave him the appearance of.  None of the dreams, even the ones where you pushed what boundaries you could and the ones with Omega, made your pulse jump and your mouth go dry.�� You’d never been this close to someone in a long time, not in a way that didn’t demand something from you, and certainly not with the one fated to be yours.  Through the tang of sweat (unavoidable, given the weather), you could make out notes of sandalwood and mint, and the unique smell of something a little more singed.

Notes danced in your head and you tried to keep them at bay: whatever was happening, he’d asked you to clear your head for a reason.  It could be muddled later, you urged, pushing away the urge to tap your fingers against his chest in rhythm.

Warmth left you as soon as the falling sensation stopped and you felt the sticky air replace his arms, embracing you in the humidity again.

You opened your eyes to find a hulking metal structure, larger even than anything you saw back home.  The hand alone was the size of a decent townhouse and the arm was easily the length of an entire factory.  It looked exactly like the Ruin Golem from one of the last dreams you had, one of the remaining ones with startling clarity that was never touched.  

Briefly, your thumb and pointer finger rubbed together, remembering Zandik’s hair beneath your fingertips.  You’d never actually felt it, of course, but it looked soft.

Moonlight kissed its frame and bathed the machine in a cool glow; you swore, for a moment, that the central focal point (an eye?) glowed for the briefest of seconds.  

Your fingers tapped a rhythm that pulsed inside of you as easily as your own heart against the strap of your bag, slung over one shoulder.  The mere act ripped open the wound as you immediately recalled that there was no way to expand on it, not easily.  And certainly not in a productive fashion.  Some used their voice but you were better with your hands, weaving notes rather than breathing life into them.

“What’s so important about this mountain?” you asked.  “Why couldn’t you observe what you wanted to at the beach?” 

“There’s another Geo user I know who would typically kill the ones responsible for breaking his belongings,” Zandik replied, a few steps ahead of you already, gesturing as he went as if he were in a lecture hall.  “Granted, Delusions are quite different in how they draw power, but regardless, your current emotional state would be a good place to start in this endeavor.”

You exhaled softly and followed him up the path, further into the mountain and the valley it housed.  When he was on a tangent like this, his calm and calculated demeanor fell to the side and it was impossible to get him to stop, you well knew.  You’d slept in one morning precisely because he’d been so excited to share a new development that the entire dream was spent with the explanation of the concept itself and a summary of the experiments (although you wish he’d spared you some of the more gruesome details).

He had an idea.

Ideas were pervasive.

And it wasn’t as though you had anything better to do.

Zandik stopped abruptly and you caught up to him, stepping over to his right to get a glimpse of what he was looking at.  A cluster of what appeared to be mushrooms of different colors and shapes mulled about.  You saw a few of them in passing on your way through Sumeru but had never encountered them up-close.  Elemental beings, you guessed, similar to slimes but with a more defined shape?

“Let us try something.  The Fungi here are mostly harmless, save some elemental reactions.  Pretend they’re the ones who destroyed your cello.  Much like you mistook me for Omega.”

“I’m sorry?”

He wanted you to harm them?  You looked at him, incredulous.  You weren’t exactly proud at having lunged at him, claymore first, when you awoke and realized everything you dreamed had been a lie.  

Zandik only crossed his arms and cocked his head as he lifted a hand and waved it, as though dismissing you.

“Humor me.  The catharsis might prove more helpful than you’d expect.”

Exhaustion gnawed at your bones.  The last two days had been packed and now you were left feeling hollow, numb, with nothing but a plan in word only.  Sleep, however, had yet to desire to sink its claws into you; even if you were remotely close to a bed, you doubted you would even rest.

What else was there?

“Alright,” you said, dropping your bag at your feet.  “But don’t be surprised if nothing comes of it.”

“We’ll see.”

Your stomach lurched at the sound of your name and you hated how well your name sounded across his tongue.  Now wasn’t the time to think about that.

The grip of your claymore came easily, as simple as thinking about it, and you felt  the weight of your weapon almost immediately.  It was your second-oldest friend, its edges maintained to sharp points and devoid of any nicks.  Ideally, you would have warmed up a little and gotten your arm muscles used to the weight distribution, but doing so would, no doubt, alert the Fungi almost immediately.  

You focused on a single Fungi, a purple one that spun in place and seemed to charge its own Electro, and swung.  The strike was unbalanced and awkward as you stumbled forward with the weight rather than distributing it properly.  You missed the second time and landed a blow with a third swing, forcing yourself to follow through as your felt the blade meet the spongy flesh.  Adjusting your grip, both hands tight, you delivered a heavy strike and the mushroom fell limp, sparks fizzling.  

Muscles ached for a reprieve and your lungs burned, your body unused to such strenuous blows.  You’d never really had to fight before, not properly, and you certainly never figured out how to preserve your stamina.  

A flash of blue and something squishy slammed into you and staggered, falling backwards.  A mushroom that resembled a bubble bounced around in satisfaction and waved to its comrades.  You pulled yourself to your feet.  No, you wouldn’t let yourself be knocked on your ass by a mushroom, of all things.  Bad enough you’d left your homeland to find something worthwhile; worse still to have your instrument—your one true companion—destroyed and left with no recourse but to resign; nevermind the fact that your mind was muddled and your memories played with as though it were a ball of yarn beneath a cat’s paw.

Nothing has gone your way and you were sick of it.

You promised yourself things would be better.  They had to be.  Because if they weren’t, then—

Golden energy engulfed you and your claymore, changing the blade into what, at first, appeared to be glass.  It was accompanied by a floating blade that appeared much the same, clear and shimmering, orbiting you as though you were a sun, blade pointed to the ground.  Your eyes glossed over the claymore in your hand and noticed that it refracted light as much as it let light through; the blade was not smooth but made up of a thousand little facets.  It looked almost crystalline…

You swung the blade and expected it to shatter but it retained its appearance, your attack full of Geo energy.  Another strike, this time one-handed, your body making the choice rather than your mind.  It killed your wrist but you waved your other arm, now free, and the floating blade crashed down, breaking as it went, and scattering tiny crystals everywhere, knocking the Fungi back.

The smallest laugh escaped you as you delivered blow after blow, your claymore soon returning to normal.  Here, too, there was a rhythm to be found, your claymore slicing the air no different than any other note you pulled from your strings.  Rather than your strength, you could feel the pulsing of something else far beneath your feet, urging you forward and lending you power.  By the end, some Fungi defeated and others having retreated, you stabbed your claymore into the moist ground and leaned on the crossguard, panting.

Polishing it and sharpening it were going to be a pain later but you couldn’t stand on your own any longer.  And you weren’t about to collapse again.  Especially in front of him.

Muted applause, the sound of leather slapping against leather, cracked through the chorus of frogs and evening birds.  You looked up as Zandik approached, shoulders back and a pleased grin across his lips.

“Satisfied, Zandik?” you asked, pushing hair out of your face.

“We’ll start another trial after you’ve rested.  I would very much like to know what substance encases your blade.  It must be durable enough to withstand several strikes and there are only a few materials that could do so.  The clarity was quite brilliant, almost as though it were made of diamond.  Not to mention it appears as though you can control and direct the construct you summon…have you ever summoned Geo power before?” he asked.

“No.  My Vision has always been a bit more of an accessory than a tool.  I…never really bothered to understand it.  People didn’t necessarily respect my craft but they respected my Vision.  I didn’t need it beyond that…”

Zandik clicked his tongue in disapproval.

“Such complacency.  You would never stop rehearsing and practicing your instrument and yet you never longed to figure out what power resided with you.”

As if you had the time, you wanted to counter.  It wasn’t as if you had the ability to spread out everything you wished to do among different branches of yourself.  Besides, your interests and yearning laid with the intangible, not the weapon you leaned against.

“I am, however, thrilled that your power is much closer to the surface; it should be easier to summon from now on.  Celestia’s prying eyes are a nuisance but we might as well make them useful,” Zandik amended.  “Gather your things.  I think that’s enough for one night.  Or morning, rather.”

You hadn’t noticed, and although you knew you hadn’t been fighting all that long, it was closer to dawn than you originally expected.  The once inky sky was beginning to fade into a warm orange-pink, cresting over the distant landscape to push away the moon.  As you waved your claymore away and retrieved your bag, the light glinted off of the glass eye of the Ruin Golem and began to reveal its rusted exterior, worn by elements and time.

In the dream you recalled, it didn’t look so worn.  Here and there, in the joints, you had spotted signs of aging, but the massive construct was, upon further inspection and better lighting, far older than you originally expected.

Such thoughts vanished as soon as you took his outstretched hand and let yourself be pulled close before sinking into the void again.

[melliotwrites]

Hi! My brain has been going on and on and on about this musical and I’d love to know some lore about what happened to the Adamandi characters in freshman year! It’s hinted at and talked about a couple of times and I’m really curious.

Hi!! I'm really glad you're enjoying Adamandi! Thanks for the great question as well :)

Disclaimer that this is from a writing perspective, and also a snapshot of how we thought about the characters at the very beginning of the production process (when we wrote this draft of the script). Our actors, director, and designers for the Princeton production all came up with ideas about what happened to the characters, so if you're interpreting the choreography or costumes or acting choices or something, you might get a different takeaway (which is part of the magic of a collaborative art form like theater!)

(Stage directions and info about the characters is under the read more!)

The primary source of information in the script for what the characters are doing freshman year is A Word to the Wise; the characters enter as freshmen and then age up to seniors throughout the course of the song. This is the stage direction we wrote for the beginning:

The costume descriptions are meant to signify that when each of the characters begin their education at Address, they don't quite fit in. Quincy comes from an affluent family but is expecting to be met with prejudice by the rest of the student body, so they overcompensate by overdressing. Vincent is an international student from China, and they doesn't have the money or the knowledge of cultural norms in the United States to dress exactly like the other students yet, but they're trying their hardest. Ambrose hasn't found his niche with the sports extracurriculars and spends his time doing pottery instead; Beatrix doesn't care about fitting in yet, so she isn't consciously branding herself as a journalist (and hasn't yet changed her name to an Anglicized version). Portia isn't there because she is a Sophomore in the current day so she hasn't arrived at Ardess yet!

As the song progresses, their costumes change to signify their transformations into the jaded Seniors we know and love: Quincy dresses down to fit in, Vincent gets his long coat to show that he *isn't* trying to fit in, Ambrose and Beatrix get the signature clothing of their school clubs which are also their primary social groups, etc.

The first verse of A Word to the Wise (in theory) encompasses their freshman year, so the stage directions during the song show their social situations and relationships to other characters:

Vincent and Ambrose gravitate together, as roommates and fellow visual arts enjoyers (I also have adopted Tobias' headcanon that this is because Ambrose is trying to "teach" Vincent about being a guy and wants to bond with him over gender things, since he's never met another trans person before). Quincy and Vincent haven't met yet- Quincy, excluded by their year for both their intellectual airs and their race, hangs out mostly with older students who indoctrinate them into Ardess' toxic achievement culture.

Student 5 was played by the same actor as Adrian in the Princeton production, which fit this moment well; initially, Ambrose is trying to use his privilege to protect Vincent from the Marmorei's bullying, but it just means both of them are excluded. Beatrix gets invited but not socially accepted into the Newspaper club.

At the end of their freshman year, Ambrose gets drawn in by the Marmorius Society and slowly stops hanging out with Vincent, leaving Vincent alone.

The second verse of A Word to the Wise loosely covers their second year at Ardess. Beatrix joins the Ardess Daily, and Ambrose officially gets tapped for the Marmorius Society (they're specified here because of the lyric about secret societies- the Marmorius Society is intended to be one of those secret-but-not-secret societies at Ivy League universities that people join by invitation.)

At the end of their sophomore year and the start of their Junior year, Vincent is officially alone, as is Quincy, since both of their friends have more or less abandoned them. Beatrix is fighting for recognition in the Ardess daily, but she remains a Ghost Writer- unrecognized officially but used for her journalistic talent. Ambrose has decided to imitate the Marmorei as much as possible, and is carefully crafting his appearance to that aim- a harbinger of things to come.

The rest of the song covers Quincent meeting, the arrival of Portia, and Ambrose becoming the leader of the Marmorei, but I'll leave it there since you just asked about freshman year! The most significant things that happened Freshman year are Vincent and Ambrose being roommates and Beatrix getting headhunted for the Ardess Daily. Thanks for the question and I'm glad you're enjoying the show!

~Mel

[galacticsand]

Movelang #000 - Introduction to the Language and Noun Class System

Nophhurra, my friends! Today I begin a series of posts showcasing an experimental conlang that I've been working on now and tinkering with for just over a year. At the moment, this language does not have a name in-conlang, and so I'll be referring to it for the time being by the language's project name "Movelang". Originally this language came about as the result of an idea that I wanted to experiment with in a conlang, and the language has since solidified and expanded in more ways than one. In this post, I'll be introducing you all to Movelang, along with the goals that I have since codified for it. As it stands, this language currently holds no connection to my Personal Conworld Project, as it is currently only an experiment, and I don't see it being adapted in any way for it, at least for the time being, but who knows, that could change one day!

The origins of Movelang lay in a discord server that I was and still am actively a part of. At the time, a group of us were discussing neat and nontrivial noun class systems that could potentially be used in a conlang, and one of us (I can't remember exactly who right now, but I do know it wasn't me), suggested an idea for a noun class system that is based on the mode by which nouns in question would be transported or moved around. We all loved this idea right away, and we set originally to put together a server collaborative conlang to implement this idea. After some time passed though, the project fell into obscurity, but I still found this idea to be super cool, and wanted to experiment with it further, and so I ended up stealing the idea, and building it into my own personal experimental piece!

The resulting noun class system shown above is what I ended up with after reconsidering the original class system that we had come up with together. The system I devised consists of 8 noun classes, a slight upgrade from what had originally been 6 more broad classes, which are distinguished by a mode of moving, carrying, or transport used for associated nouns in the appropriate class. I also gave each class a cool name that reflects the mode of movement associated with it as well! The class definitions are of course broad as well, as is the case with all languages that make use of noun classes, and not all nouns that fit into one of these classes will follow the category specified for each one.

In terms of goals, my primary goal was of course to implement the cool noun class concept that the group I was in had originally devised: to set up noun classes based on mode of movement for prospective nouns. Aside from this, my intention is also to experiment with a couple of other aspects of conlanging that I had been wanting to use hitherto. One of the big ones is being able to create a lot from a little in terms of derivations, which I've been able to do for the most part already, in addition to a loose adherence to naturalism, which hasn't been as big of a goal for me with this being an experiment, as already mentioned, but has helped me to keep the language looking plausibly realistic for the most part.

As I continue sharing more bits and pieces with you all about Movelang, I hope to show you how I've been able to adhere to these goals as its development has moved forward, slowly but surely, and I can't want to show you all what I've made very soon!

=-=-=-=

This is my first big post to the blog, and my thoughts can sometimes be all over the place, especially if I'm super excited, so do let me know if you'd like me to clarify anything mentioned here. Feel free to drop me an ask and I'll answer it whenever I find the time if it adds to the post! Who knows, maybe I'll even give a sneak peak of what I have to come later, if it's particularly relevant... Until then, hope you all are as excited as I am! :D

[capturethechaos]

In collaboration with - @earthlysorrows

Masterlist

Josh Kiszka x Reader

Words - 21k

Warnings - 18+ONLY, death of a family member, explicit sexual content, NSFW, smut, oral (f!receiving), fingering, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it!), overstimulation, breeding kink!!! (If theres anything we missed let me know!)

a/n - This is it folks, the final part of shake my faith. But with every ending there is a new beginning! Not only are we writing something new 👀 With the posting of this epilogue, requests for the Shake my Faith blurbs will be open! Madi and I love you all so much, and thank you for all the love that has been given to our series ♡

You had been craving it, the taste of the savory butter that coated the little popped bits of corn you threw into your mouth. One by one you crunched down on the snack and swatted Josh’s hand away from the bowl as he reached around you in an attempt to grab some for himself. 

“One mouthful of popcorn per kiss. Those are the rules.” You tease, holding the bowl just out of his arms reach. 

“Well maybe if you turn your head I can smooch ya!” He laughed, so you did as instructed. Just as promised he gave you a delicate kiss, followed with his mouth opened wide and a soft ahhhh. 

You grabbed a fist full of popcorn and reached behind your shoulder to stuff it between his teeth. “Can we focus on the movie now? I didn’t hear a word they just said.” You grunted, adjusting yourself back into comfort on Josh’s lap. 

You loved it there, the warmth it brought alongside the contentment it provided. You leaned back so your back was directly against his torso, your head resting just upon his shoulder. 

“You know. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why he’s a bunny.” You whisper, earning a chuckle from Josh that vibrated your back. 

“Most of this movie is an enigma.” He retaliated, and though he meant to say more the jiggle of the front door knob caught you both off guard. Simultaneously, the two of you looked over at the noise and watched as the handle slowly turned, opening slowly to reveal Jake. He was blissfully unaware of the two of you as he tossed his keys into the bowl, kicking off his shoes and slipping his coat from his shoulders.

You could see the blush still lingering on his skin as he smiled to himself, wandering into the kitchen as he stared down at his phone. You turned just enough to share a look with Josh, mischievous smirks adorning both of your faces as you watched Jake pull open the refrigerator door. “So, how was your date with this mystery woman you’ve been hiding from us?”

Using the fridge door as a shield, he slowed his movements as if that would make him disappear. “What date?” He grabbed at a soda can and cracked it open. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

When he finally popped his head out of hiding, his face was as red as a ripened cherry. Almost as red as a fresh sunburn after a day of swimming. “Awe!! Joshy look. He’s blushing! Look at how flustered he is!” 

Jake shot you a look as Josh chuckled, shifting slightly to get a better look at his twin. “She must be something really special then, the only other time I’ve seen him get that flustered is because of you, angel.”

You smiled at the comment as you slid out of Josh’s lap, opting instead to curl up against his side and lift the blanket, patting the empty spot beside you on the couch. “Why don’t you come finish this movie with us and tell us all about this girl.”

Jake's sharp glare quickly melted away, and he shuffled out of the kitchen, making his way over and sinking into the spot next to you. You leaned over, nudging your shoulder against his as he made himself comfortable. “So, what’s she like? Gotta make sure she’s a good fit for my best friend.”

A fresh start wasn’t always for everyone. Most people enjoyed the comfort of their own living space enough to stay there forever. You thought you were one of those people, someone who would sit in the same living room for eternity looking out the same window. That was your truth, until a new shiny key was presented before you from Josh’s hand. “Would you like to do the honors?”

You took it between your fingers and lined it up with the knob. As you unlocked the door you couldn’t help but to reflect on what got you to this point in your life. How such a turn of events in a youth room had led you down the path to holding a key to your shared apartment with Joshua. A key you wouldn’t trade for the world. 

Though you had seen the apartment a few times, it felt different now. Felt like home. Though the lack of furniture had every noise echoing between the walls, it still felt cozy. It could have all boiled down to the fact that Josh was by your side, and in all honesty, he was all you needed. 

The two of you stepped further into the apartment, stopping in the kitchen and leaning on the island as you looked over the space that would soon be full of furniture that you had chosen together. Josh slid behind you, his hands resting on your hips as he turned you around so that you were facing him. He had you lifted onto the countertop before you had the chance to argue. 

“Now, angel.” One of his hands lifted until his palm was brushing your cheek, and his eyes locked on his thumb as he slid it along your bottom lip. “Imagine just how nice it would sound with your sweet moans and whimpers echoing through all this empty space.”

He quickly closed the distance between his face and your own, his breath fanning across your lips. The serene moment between the two of you was interrupted when Jake and Danny came crashing through the front door of the apartment with the couch from your old apartment. “Dammit Sam! I told you to tell me when I was about to run into the fucking wall!”

Sam’s laugh echoed through the apartment as he stumbled into the main room. “Sorry, Jake, just be thankful you didn’t have to listen to the happy couple getting ready to fuck on the kitchen counter.”

He sat the singular plant he had tucked in his arm down on the kitchen counter and simply watched as the two men attempted to maneuver around the entryway. The whole time Jake was murmuring every cuss word in the book towards the inanimate object in his arms. 

“Do you want it to go there?” Jake finally directed his words to you. “Because once this thing hits the ground I’m not picking it back up.” Though he was serious he made sure to soften his tone so as to not sound upset with you, just upset with the heavy ass couch. 

“Two more steps to your left and I think that’s perfect!” As you directed his brother, Josh managed to land his hand upon your ass to give it the softest squeeze before leaving to grab a round of boxes. A few hours passed, and the five of you managed to get almost everything in the apartment.

Piles of boxes had been separated by the room they belong in, meaning the two of you had built up an extraordinarily large, seemingly never ending pile of boxes that started in the living room, and ended at the closet in the hallway to the bedroom.

Sam, Danny, and Jake left not long after lunch, having eaten an excessive amount of pizza between the trips from the moving van and the apartment. There was no energy left between you and Josh as you sat on the couch together and enjoyed the takeout he had ordered after the two of you had showered.

“I think I’m going to go pick up some groceries for the next few days, do you want to come with me or stay and unpack boxes?” Josh had just finished the last piece of orange chicken from his little white box and walked it over to the trash can. 

Finishing your last few bites you answered. “I’ll stay and unpack a bit, get a head start on the inevitable.” 

With priorities in line, the first box you opened had ‘RECORD PLAYER’ written in thick sharpie. Cautiously, you pulled out the pieces one by one and sat them down upon the floor. Once the speakers and turntable were plugged in, you made your way through the pile of boxes to find one labeled as ‘JOSH’S RECORDS’. 

The entire box was moved next to the player for convenience but also just to get it out of the way. You picked up your favorite album from Josh’s collection, Back Home Again, and pressed the needle into the first groove so you could enjoy the sound while setting up what you could of the living room. 

It seemed only fitting to put on another John Denver record when the first came to an end, so you walked back to the record player and carefully placed Back Home Again back in its sleeve, placing it in the shelving you had managed to put together before pulling out Poems, Prayers and Promises.

Josh made his way through the door about half way through Gospel Changes, with what looked like five or six grocery bags in hand. You had settled back onto the couch after unloading a couple boxes worth of blankets and pillows, so you simply turned to watch as he made his way into the kitchen and placed the bags on the counter. “Care for some help unloading those, my love?”

He looked at you with the softest of smiles spread across his lips as he worked to pull the groceries from the bags. “No no you go relax, get comfy. I will get everything all organized.” 

You obliged, only moving enough to light the candles you had placed on the coffee table. Josh walked over to the couch holding a container of ice cream, and two spoons. Though he was still as happy as he was earlier, Josh seemed to be carrying something else, a sense of nervousness that he hadn’t had with you in a long time. In response, you simply smiled at him as he sat across the couch from you. “Is that what I think it is?”

“If you’re thinking of chocolate fudge ice cream, then yes. Yes it is.” He handed it to you with shaking hands, and once the container met with your fingers the spoon he held in the same hand dropped to the ground. 

Josh immediately went to the floor to pick it up, and as you giggled at his clumsiness you lifted the lid. 

“Oh. My. God.” You whispered, almost dropping the pint. When you looked up from the glistening metal lodged in the cream you saw Josh, one knee planted firm on the ground in a kneeling position. 

“Now… bear with me. I had this whole thing planned but I knew as soon as I saw your reaction I’d forget everything… because you do that to me, make me forget about the world. Make me want to be better. You completely turned my world around when I saw you and I was too young then to know why, but it’s because you're my soul mate.” 

Tears welled up in the corner of his eyes, yours mimicking his reaction as he continued. “I can’t even fathom the idea of finishing this lifetime without you next to me, and I don’t think I’d be able to do it without you, my angel.” 

As he spoke he plucked the ring from out of the ice cream and wiped off the band until it was clean. “I could honestly go on and on about why I love you… why I need you. But angel, would you care to keep me by your side through this journey? To have someone so devoted to you as your husband?” 

And just like that, your whole vocabulary dissipated leaving you speechless. “Y/n?” He quizzed, leaning forward to get a gauge on how you were feeling.

Your first instinct was to lean forward, your hand looping around to grab the back of his neck, and press your lips against his with enough force that your hand had to keep his head steady. Your freehand tapped at the ring in his hand, begging for him to slip the jewelry upon your finger. 

It was cold, but was quick to warm up around you as it managed to slide across your ring finger flawlessly. You didn’t even glance at it, instead you pulled Josh in towards you and leaned back against the sofa. 

“Put the ice cream back in the freezer. I won’t be needing it right now.” You whisper against his lips, only to get a groan of disapproval in response from Josh. “I don’t want it to melt, it ruins the texture when it has to refreeze.” You giggled as your lips pressed small kisses down his chin. 

“Only because I love you.” He protested, but pulled himself away and snatched up the ice cream in a rather tantrum-esque display. You bit your bottom lip to hide your laughter as he stomped over to the freezer.

Josh delicately placed the pint back in its spot, and when he finally composed himself enough to turn towards you his jaw landed on the floor. You had somehow managed to silently strip yourself of every article of clothing aside from your panties. You knew how much he loved taking them off of you himself. 

“What’s the hold up, fiancé?” You purred, raising your hands above your head as you pretended to yawn. He watched as your breasts rose with the motion and waltzed back over to you. You let out a yelp as he pounced, pushing you back upon the couch with his lips sucking and nipping at your neck. 

“I like the sound of that coming from your lips, angel. Say it again.” The brushing of his lips against your skin as he spoke sent a shiver down your spine. 

You lifted a hand to his face, moving it so that he was looking you in the eye. “Fiancé.” 

You weren’t planning on answering your phone as it buzzed against your nightstand. You and Josh were actively sorting through different designs for wedding invitations. Somehow, you had managed to narrow it down to a forest green paper with gold font, or a cream colored paper with forest green font. 

When your phone stopped ringing, only to start back up again it was Josh who looked over your shoulder to see who was calling. “You might want to answer it this time angel, it’s your mom.” 

Frantically, you grabbed the phone off the stand and pressed it to your ear. “Mom, hi. Are you alright?”

“Yeah… yeah, I’m alright. I just… I miss him.” At her words, your shoulders dropped forward. 

“I miss him too mom… Do you want Josh and I to come over for dinner?” The mention of his name had Josh peering sympathetically in your direction. 

“No no, that’s alright sweetheart… ” There was a deafening pause, only broken by the sound of her sniffle. “I just hope you know how much I love you… how much he loved you.” 

You could feel Josh's hand brushing gently along your shoulder blades as you took a deep breath. “I love you too, mom. And remember, Josh and I can come over whenever you need.” 

While you placed the phone back down on the nightstand, you turned your head away from Josh. You tried so hard to hold back the tears, but it was no use. As soon as the first droplet slipped past your eyelids the rest came cascading down your cheeks. Between that, your sniffles and the way your chest began to vibrate, your cover was blown. 

“Come here, angel” Josh pulled you in desperately, wanting nothing more than to just hold you until the tears stopped. He himself was holding back tears as he watched you mourn. This past month you tried your best to be strong with your fathers passing, knowing he wouldn’t want you to be stuck in the sorrow you had been feeling. 

Josh’s embrace left you sobbing against his chest, and in return Josh pushed the invitations off of the bed to make space for you to lay against him. As he sat and ran his hands through your hair, one of his tears dripped down upon your scalp. 

“I-It kills me he can’t be there. For us. For this.” You managed to whisper out between sobs. “He was so fucking excited. He already had ou-our father daughter dance song picked out.” 

“Yeah, he uh- showed me some of his… groovy dance moves one night while you were out for dinner with our mothers.” His lips had turned to a small smile at the memory, and the comfort that came with it slowed the tears until all that was left was the streaks they left upon your cheeks.

He held you in silence for a while, simply listening to the steadying of your breathing.

Part of you wished you could say that you had woken up with the sunlight streaming in through the window. In truth, you had been awake since before the sun peeked over the horizon. Sitting wrapped in the comforter as you waited for the sun to make its grand entrance through the window of the bed and breakfast you had rented for the wedding. Through the silence, a small knock echoed around your room. You kept the comforter wrapped tightly around you as you slid from the bed, padded over to the door, and cracked it open only slightly, peaking through to see who was on the other side.

Josh stood on the other side, a sleepy smile on his face as his eyes locked with yours. He looked pretty much the same as how you imagined yourself at that moment, his curls were an untamed mess, you could see the little goop in the corners of his eyes, and the creases across his cheeks from the pillowcase he was sleeping on. When he finally broke the silence, your brain tingled because of the drowsy rasp in his tone. “I know we’re not supposed to see each other, but I had a dream about you… and when I woke up and reached for you, I got sad cause you weren’t there. So I uh, thought I’d see if you were awake too.”

You stepped away from the door, pulling it open further so that he could enter your room. You pulled the blanket open, extending your arms towards him. He immediately wrapped himself around you, lifting you from the floor and closing the door as quietly as he could with his foot. It only took a few steps for Josh to reach your bed, and he gently placed you down on the mattress. You rolled over as he crawled onto the bed, lifting the comforter for him to lay under with you as you went back to watching the sunrise.

Josh shimmied himself to be as close as possible with you, turning his head to nuzzle against the warmth of your skin. “I love you.”

You hummed, leaning your head against his. “I’d hope so, or else it sure would be an awkward marriage.” You gently repositioned the two of you so that you were laying on your sides, facing each other. “I love you too, Josh.”

The two of you laid like that for a while, slowly sinking until Josh’s head was laying on your chest, your fingers gently brushing through his curls as you were warmed by the early morning sun. The peaceful quiet felt like an eternity before you were eventually interrupted by another soft knock on the door. You kept your eyes on the ceiling as you quietly called out. “Who is it?”

From the other side of the door, a quiet voice called back. “It’s Jake.”

Your smile grew, and you could feel Josh’s do the same as his lips softly grazed your skin. “Come in.”

The door opened slowly, and Jake stuck his head in just enough to see the two of you lying peacefully in each other's arms. “I hate to break up the two of you, but people are starting to wake up. So Josh should probably get back to his room before one of our mothers sees you two together.”

Josh groaned, the sound muffled as he kept his head pressed in the crease of your neck, but he knew his twin was right. He lifted himself off of you and slid out from beneath the blanket. You lifted yourself onto your elbows, watching as he trudged toward the door. He turned as he reached the doorway, turning to you and blowing you a kiss before turning back and passing Jake.

Jake watched his brother cross the hall and enter his room before turning back to you. “I’ll see you later, Y/n.”

You smiled at him before dropping back against the mattress. “I better, I’m sure as hell not about to walk myself down that aisle.”

“I’d never leave you alone out there.”

You got another forty-five minutes or so before another knock came from your bedroom door, your mother opened it and leaned against the doorframe for a bit, just watching as you stared up at the ceiling.

“You know, I couldn’t sleep either when I was about to marry your father.” She whispered, startling you slightly from your silent trance. “I almost ran away from the church. I was so nervous. I’m glad I didn’t, because then I wouldn’t have you.” 

A smile spread on your face at the mention of your father, and when you felt the end of the bed dip down you sat up, crossing your legs as you did so. “I’m glad you didn’t either. I’m lucky to have you as my mom.” You crawled down the bed to wrap your arms around her from the back. 

“I will request we do makeup last though, so I have a chance for a nap.” You admitted, feeling her laughter against your stomach. 

“You’re going to be too nervous for napping. Don’t worry, I’ll get you a mimosa and you’ll perk right on up.” 

Just the mention of it made you smile, squeezing your mom a little tighter as you rested your cheek against her back. “Is there food? I’m starving.”

Her hands landed over your own and she chuckled. “I’ll grab you a plate, hopefully the boys haven't eaten it all already.”

You took your time lowering your feet from the bed onto the floor, stretching as much as you could. All the nervous energy that had been building up inside of you having left you tensed up. You couldn’t help the joyous hum that came from you as your muscles relaxed and your back cracked. 

Your mother returned not long after she had left, a tray held across her arms as her, Ronnie, your cousin Jamie, and two of your closest friends, who until recently had been travelling Europe. The four of them walked in and immediately wrapped you in a warm group hug. 

You were the one who released the hug, not because you wanted it to end, but because the smell of the sweet pancakes intertwined with the savory bacon and had your mouth watering. You plucked crunchy bacon directly from the plate and hung  it over your mouth to take a dramatic first bite. “This… is delicious.” 

The food managed to help relax your anxiety ridden stomach, and once everyone was picking at the last few berries left in the bowl, you heard a knock at the door. Jake stood there, a pint of orange juice in one hand and an unopened bottle of Prosecco in the other. “Delivery for the ladies.” Rather dramatically, he made a show of popping the top off, earning a few shy screams as the cork bounced around the room. 

With a couple good chuckles he reached past the door to hand each of you a glass, bowed, and headed back to Josh’s room.

Ronnie picked up the first glass, holding it up in the air as the rest of you picked one for yourselves. “Here’s to a smooth, easy, love filled day. Nothing is going to go wrong. Today will be perfect, because you’re perfect and it’s what you and my brother deserve.” There was a glaze of tears already coating her eyes as she spoke. “Now. Let’s get you even more jaw droppingly gorgeous than you already are.” 

You quickly finished what remained of your mimosa before shuffling toward the vanity. You sat to apply your skincare, the same way you had for years yet this time you were nervous. Your hands shook as you gently pressed the moisturizer into your skin. Hands pressed a tad too hard as you massaged your jawline upwards. 

Ronnie came up behind you, her hands running through your hair to fluff it up a bit. You had already told her and shown her what you wanted your hair to look like. It wasn’t anything extraordinary, just fancy enough to fit the occasion, and keep it out of your face for the duration of the day's activities. 

Everyone sat and conversed as they all joined you in wedding preparations. By the time Ronnie had made it to the last strand of hair, it was already almost noon. You took a break, sitting around to talk some more about how the day would pan out as Ronnie placed her makeup across the counter so it would be ready after you ate lunch. 

There was a ruckus  in the hall as a stampede of men made their way down it. Through the footsteps you could hear Joshua's voice and the sound had your anxieties melting away. They also had ideas of lunch on their minds. 

You bolted over to the door to press your ear against the wood, some of the bridesmaids followed behind you, giggling. “I can’t hear him anymore!” You complained to Ronnie, her head right beside yours. 

“Why are you being so nosey, angel?” Josh’s voice flowed through the barrier as if it wasn’t even there. 

Your nose crinkled upwards as you smiled. “I guess I could ask the same of you.” 

“May I just say you sound like you look absolutely stunning.” Jake's ear was planted right beside Josh’s, his head on the opposite side of the door from Ronnie’s. 

The next thing you could hear was violent faux gagging from Jake, which was soon paired with a rather guttural grunt as Josh so kindly punched his stomach to get him to stop.

Everyone erupted in laughter, including yourself. “Did I hear you guys are grabbing lunch?” You spoke up.

“Say the word and it’s yours.” Josh hummed, ignoring as Jake mocked him from the sidelines with his hand over his heart in a rather dramatic display. 

“I think we’d all appreciate some pizza.” 

“Well then you shall have it.”

Ronnie smiled at you as you continued to rest your head against the door, listening to the rest of the boys talk on the other side. “Thank you, my love.” 

“Anything for you, my angel. We’ll be back soon, I love you.” You could hear not only one, but multiple men on the other end copying Jake by dramatically fake gagging at the two of you. 

“I love you too, Josh.” You pushed away from the wood of the door, turning to walk back to your chair. 

From the hallway, you could hear the boys as they made their way down the hallway, echoes of them saying, ‘I love you Joshy.’ amongst some other phrases, which were quickly shut down as Josh told them to shut up before he pushed them down the stairs. 

Ronnie stepped back into her spot behind you, beginning to pull back what she needed to finish your hair, and a peaceful quiet settled in the room, the only sound coming from the speaker as it quietly played music. 

Almost an hour passed before a soft knock came from the bedroom door. Jamie walked to the door and pulled it open, finding Jake on the other side holding two pizza boxes. “I come bearing lunch, and a letter for the bride from her fiancé.”

You slid from the bed faster than you thought you could, making a b-line for the bedroom door. As Jamie opened the door further for Jake to enter, you plucked the letter from the top of the boxes. You turned to scurry back to the bed, but Jake managed to pass off the pizza boxes and catch you before you had the chance. 

You followed curiously as he pulled you onto the small balcony, sitting you down on one of the chairs and lowering himself into the other. The gentle breeze was soothing for your ever growing nerves, and Jake's gaze was locked on your face as you stared at the small envelope in your hand. “He can’t sit still.”

Your eyes lifted to look at him, an inquisitive expression on your face, spurring him for further explanation. He chuckled and leaned back in his seat. “We keep trying to tell him that he needs to get ready, but he just keeps insisting on going on little nature walks to calm his nerves.”

You smiled, wishing you could be walking the grounds with him, your fingers intertwined. “Sounds like something he’d do, has he eaten lunch yet?”

Jake nodded, “Yeah, he took a couple slices of pizza and dragged Sam out for another walk while they ate.” 

You turned away from Jake, looking over the railing of the balcony and catching sight of Josh and Sam as they wandered around the backyard. You glanced back at Jake with a raised eyebrow. “Did you plan this Jacob?” 

He smiled, holding his finger to his lips. “It wasn't just my idea.” 

He turned his phone to show you the screen, his messages with Sam open with a message already typed out. He turned the phone back to himself and hit send. The two of you watched as Sam pulled his phone from his pocket and tapped Josh on the shoulder, pointing up to you and Jake on the balcony. 

Jake felt his phone buzz, and looked down, reading the message with a chuckle. “Sam said that Josh has started rambling about how beautiful you look.” 

Your cheeks flushed pink, and you watched as Josh turned to Sam, pointing at his phone as he spoke. You turned to Jake, waiting to hear what it was that Josh had Sam typing out. “Josh said that he loves you, that you should read the letter alone, and that you should probably read it before you get your makeup done so that no one tries to kill him for making you cry and ruining it.”

You glanced down one last time to blow a kiss in their direction, when you looked up Jake was already sliding the glass door shut to leave you alone with the letter. Cautiously, and with trembling fingers you opened it. 

My angel, 

No word in this universe could describe the admiration I have for you. Have had for you. No song has been sung that can perfectly encapsulate the way you make me feel. No poem has been written that has selected rhymes well enough to encompass your essence.

 I pace back and forth today not out of anxiety or remorse, but out of anticipation. Anticipation of having you be my wife until our journey in this world ends. Hopefulness that our lives will be as perfect as you deserve them to be. That you will forever feel the love I have for you, and that I never once fail to show you that love. 

You’ve always been it, angel. With no questions in my heart you’ve always been the one I wanted to say my vows to. Share a home with. Have children with. You’ve taught me so much in life, but above all else you’ve taught me how to love. 

So. To fill the void in academia that refuses to put into words how I feel about you, I decided to give it a go myself. Be warned, I’m not a poet. 

I’d start with roses and violets that are so blue,

But not even that poem is as enchanting as you. 

Sunflowers touch the clouds and kiss the sky

But will never be as marvelous as the gleam in your eyes. 

I have loved you in this lifetime, and I’ll love you in my next,

My beautiful flower who is more pulchritudinous than the rest. 

With all my love,

Within the next couple hours, your makeup was done, and you watched as guests began making their way through the backyard towards the aisle you would soon be walking down. Karen had occasionally been popping in throughout the day to check in when she wasn’t attempting to keep all of the boys in one room, but she was sure to be there when it was time for you to put on your dress. 

It slipped on effortlessly, and it was then that the tears began well up in the corner of your eyes. For everyone. Your mom walked over to your side and you watched as her reflection placed its hand upon your shoulder. 

You saw a small box peeking out from behind her back, and she pulled it forward to be seen fully. It was hard for her to speak with the tears cascading down her cheeks but she managed to begin.  “Something old.” She murmured, pulling your dad's cross necklace and latching it around your neck.

“Mom…” 

You held the cross between your fingers and pressed it against your lips. Remembering all the days you saw your father wearing that very piece of jewelry .

Jamie, Ronnie, Leslie, and Tara made their way to you, and Ronnie lifted a small black box towards you. “Something new.” You took it from her hand, pulling the lid off the box. Inside was a charm bracelet with four small charms. 

You looked up at the girls, a smile on your face as you tried to fight back the tears that threatened to spill. “Thank you, seriously,  it’s beautiful.”

Ronnie helped you put it on, watching as you looked over each of the small charms before stepping away to make room for her mom. Karen stepped forward, giving you a kiss on the cheek “Kelly and I will give you and Josh your something borrowed after the ceremony.”

She stepped back to let your mom come back to you. “Lastly, your something blue.” Your mothers fingers fumbled a bit as she pulled out a small pair of earrings. A light blue stone sat in the center of each. “It’s Angelite… I found it fitting since I hear Josh call you angel so much… And you’ll always be my angel too.” 

She helped you place the earrings in your ears, and everyone choked back tears as you took in your final appearance. The room was silent, apart from the sniffling from yourself and those around you, until a knock sounded from the door. Before anyone could answer it, Jake cracked open the door, shuffling in as fast as he could and shutting it behind him. 

All of you turned at the sound of the door opening, seeing Jake leaned against the dark wood, his mouth stuck open like he was going to say something, but he simply stood there staring at you until his mother broke him from his trance. “Is it time, dear?”

He blinked a few times before nodding his head and taking a few steps towards the group. “Yeah, dad is looking for all of you, it’s time.”

You had rehearsed this. The exact way it was all about to happen, yet your hands clammed up and your throat went dry at Jakes beckoning. “So. Josh will be out there soon?” You bite your lip at the thought of him waiting for you. 

“Yes, after our mothers find their seats of course.” Jake motioned to them to make their way out, and you watched as your mother and Karen squeezed each other's hands and walked out of the door, each of them turning to blow you one last kiss. 

All of your bridesmaids left soon after them, scrambling around the room to do quick touch ups before being practically chased out of the room by Jake. Once everyone was finally gone, Jake turned to you slowly, his gaze travelling along the length of your body. ��Wow.”

He motioned for you to do a twirl, and you followed his instruction, spinning in a slow circle. “Josh is definitely going to cry.” 

A small chuckle accompanied his words, but as you locked your eyes with his, you could see the tears forming in his eyes. You took steps forward, your heels clicking upon the floor as you approached him. Your hands landed upon his cheeks, your thumbs moving to wipe the tear from the corner of his eye.

“Don’t you dare start getting emotional on me now. Because you’ll make me cry.” 

He smiled at your words, taking a dramatically deep breath to compose himself. “Sorry, I’ll keep it together I swear.”

In the distance you could hear the music that cued your bridesmaids to begin their walk down the aisle alongside the groomsman. 

You reached out to grab ahold of Jake's forearm. “It’s happening.” 

Jake reassured you by placing his hand upon yours “It’s happening.” He guided you into position, his arm looped around yours as the two of you waited for your song to begin. 

You couldn’t help but to giggle as Danny and Sam walked down the aisle, tossing white flower petals haphazardly. 

The autumn leaves gently brushed upon the ground, creating a marvelous orange and red walkway for you and Jake to stride through. Josh couldn’t keep his eyes off of you. His cheeks began to grow red, his hand raised to cover his mouth with fist as you walked slowly alongside his twin. 

Josh couldn’t hold back his tears of admiration as they cascaded down his cheeks. His chest began to rapidly rise and fall as he tried to wrangle in his breathing. You couldn’t hear it over the piano, but he was whispering about just how gorgeous you looked. How lucky he was. 

He stood beneath a large tree at the end of the aisle, his skin illuminated by the slowly setting sun as it peaked through the curtain that had been hung to create a soft backdrop for the position the two of you would stand as you shared your vows. 

Jake’s arm slid out from around yours, keeping your hand gently in his as he eased you forward towards Josh. The moment your hand was placed over his, it really hit you. You were at the altar with the love of your life, about to start the rest of your life together. Jake gave you one last kiss on the cheek before letting his hand clap against his twin's shoulder. “She’s still out of your league… in case you forgot.”

Josh nudged Jake as he moved to stand next to Sam and Danny, and when he finally turned back to you got to see his beautiful smile in all its glory. You looked out to the crowd of people to see one empty chair in the front row. A photo of your father rested against the back of the chair, adorned with the tie he had spent hours picking out for this day. 

Your hand lifted to your mouth and you stared into your moms eyes in admiration of her efforts. The squeeze of Josh's hand around your own pulled your attention back to him, and he whispered a quick ‘I love you’ as Kelly opened his notes to begin the ceremony.

“We are gathered here today before friends, family, and above all else, God, to witness the holy matrimony of Joshua and Y/N. We thank the Lord for all the blessings that brought us here today and those that brought our lovebirds together to make this day possible.” 

You stared directly into Josh’s glossy eyes, aware that yours more than likely looked the same, and you gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

“Love and marriage are truly one of God’s greatest gifts and accomplishments. Yes, the heavens and the Earth are pretty impressive, but the Lord has filled all of us with love and allows us to grow that love exponentially by sharing it with someone else. And so, by giving selflessly to another, we make ourselves stronger and our lives that much richer. It’s truly one of the greatest miracles we’ve been given.”

Just hearing Kelly speak in such a manner had emotions swirling that you thought you were prepared to deal with. 

“I remember watching these two as children. I watched their love grow from a childhood best friend to a romantic partner. I am so blessed to say that I wouldn’t want my son to be standing here with anyone other than Y/N. If you don’t mind I would love to read a verse that expresses my view on this couple you see standing before you.” 

Kelly flipped to a bookmarked page of his Bible. “Corinthians 13. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”

Both of you were a mess at this point, and both of your honorable members were placing their hands upon your shoulder to act as an anchor. 

“At this time, the couple would like to join together to unify their love physically by placing their two different colors of sand in the hourglass. The colors of the sand may be different, but over time the grains of sand will continue to combine until to the naked eye it looks to be a brand new color. However when you look closer, the sand is still yellow and red. Just how in marriage your bond only grows stronger, though your individualism remains true.”

While Kelly spoke you and Josh alternated putting little pours of sand into the glass. Giggling when Josh poured more than his fair share. Laughing when you accidently dropped a little on the floor. The two small tubes were emptied and you stepped back to admire the layers of sand before you. 

You both found your original positions and grasped upon each other's hands tightly once more. 

“Joshua, do you promise to love, honor, cherish and respect Y/N above all others, from this day forward until your very last day on earth?” 

“Forever.” He murmured, just loud enough that everyone could hear it. 

Kelly asked you the exact same question. “I promise, Josh.” You responded, earning a hand squeeze from him. 

“Now I believe the couple have written their own vows they would like to share with each other before the ring ceremony.” Kelly stepped back, handing the small microphone over to you so you could begin.

You turned to Jamie, reaching for the cards she had held out for you before turning back to Josh and clearing your throat.

“Josh. You have always given me a sense of purpose. From teaching me how to ice skate to being by my side through the passing of my father.”

Your voice began to quiver so you took a moment to breathe. The sun was lower and the glow of the horizon line left a streak of an orange hue directly crossing over Josh's eyes. You anchored yourself within those golden eyes.

“There are so many reasons that you have always been the one. From your dedication with the children at youth group, your love and admiration towards me, the never ending back rubs I receive after briefly mentioning I had a bad day.” 

You tossed the card behind you, deciding that you were too in the moment to read from a cue. 

“As I look at you now, with the last drops of sunshine across your face I’m reminded of the sunlight you bring to this relationship; the nonstop smiles, the goofy jokes. You are the reason my days remain bright. You are the reason that storm clouds that may try to take over my mood are washed away. You are my everything, Josh. So I promise. I promise to stay by your side and I promise that whatever storm life throws at us, we will tackle together. As long as I get to see the sun on the other side of the cloud, it’s all worth it.”

Kelly had to clear his throat after your words as he choked back his tears. “And Josh, now is the time for your vows.” He watched as his son anchored himself with a deep breath.

“Y/n, my love. I can’t believe we’re finally here. When we were younger, our parents used to joke about us getting married… and we would both just freak out and insist that the other has cooties and we would never get married-” a small chuckle came not only from you and Josh, but from everyone that knew how the two of you were when you were younger. “-but I think even then, some part of me knew that something about you was different to me than any other girl I knew. So I guess our parents were right, and though it took us sixteen years to finally do something about those feelings we both seemed to be hiding from each other, I wouldn’t trade a second of our time together.”

He stopped for a second, taking a deep breath and smiling at you as he wiped a tear from his cheek. “We have watched each other grow and mature, and we have loved each other for so long. I cannot wait to live the rest of this life by your side, through whatever may happen. I love you, angel. Forever.”

Kelly wiped the tear from his eyelashes and gave a soft sniffle while readjusting the microphone.  “From the earliest times, the circle has been a symbol of completeness, a symbol of committed love. An unbroken and never-ending circle symbolizes a commitment of love that is also never-ending. This ring should be a reminder of the commitment to love each other that you have made today. Repeat after me. I, Y/N , give you Josh, this ring as a symbol of my commitment to love, honor, and respect you.” You did as he was asked, taking the ring into your fingers with shaky hands to cautiously slide it upon Josh’s finger. Josh repeated your actions, sliding your ring onto your finger and you couldn’t stop staring at the way it glistened under the last few rays of sunlight. 

“And now. After all this time and anticipation… I now pronounce you man and wife. Son, you may now kiss your bride.” 

Time stopped as you and Josh looked at each other. Finally, after all the years pining for each other, after all of the good times, and the bad. You were standing across from the love of your love, your husband. 

Just as quickly as times seemed to halt, it came rushing back, the feeling of Josh’s hands holding either side of your face pulled you back to reality as his lips brushed against your own. Your eyes were locked on his, wide smiles plastered on both of your faces. “I love you, angel.”

“I love you, Josh.” Your lips met, for the first time as husband and wife, and everyone erupted in cheers. 

Suddenly everything felt like it was in fast forward as you and Josh were whisked off to sign the marriage license, followed closely by Kelly and Jake to sign as your officiant and witness. 

The night was off to a great start as the guests found their place at the reception. After many photos were taken of the wedding party, one by one you walked out to find your spot at the table. Food was served and everyone began chatting, though your thoughts remained mesmerized by the wedding band wrapped around your finger. 

At your silence, Josh’s hand found a place upon your thigh, and he gave it a soft squeeze, as if asking if you were okay. You were better than okay. It was when he looked up at the cheesy grin stamped to your face, that he realized you were in awe of this moment in time. 

You weren’t entirely sure how much time had passed by when your mother stood with her glass in hand, tapping it softly to try and get everyone’s attention, her eyes locked onto Jake’s and she shook her head no when he brought his fingers up towards his lips. When the second clink of the glass still didn’t harbor the attention she desired, Jake took it upon himself to rip out a long whistle that cut through the noise. 

“Thank you, Jacob.” Your mom began, earning a playful wink in return. “I have never been one for standing up in crowds or giving speeches so bear with me. Although we all knew that eventually we would be in this moment, Josh wanted to make it special.” You looked over to him, but his eyes were growing teary and you weren’t quite sure as to why.

“Before Josh had even asked you to marry him, he texted me. Asking if it was okay if he came over to talk. I should have known right then and there why he would want to come over by himself but I was oblivious. Your Dad was just as confused. Now, I don’t normally invade privacy but I have something I think all of you will enjoy…”

Your mother reached over to grab a small black remote and fumbled around with the buttons for a while until a white screen slowly dropped down on the wall just across from you. She fumbled with the buttons some more and eventually the screen lit up with the image of a door slightly ajar. She hit play.

“Now Josh, I can only think of a few good reasons as to why you would drag me into my own office to speak with me. You’re the pastor's son, so I hope you’re not asking me to bail you out of anything.” There was a familiar and warm laugh that followed his playful words.

Your dad’s voice slipped its way through the crack in the door and your mother inched the phone forward to face the camera on them. Your father was leaning up against his desk. Josh stood with his back turned to the door, his hands anxiously fumbling behind his back. “No, no. Nothing bad.” 

“Then you have me stumped.” There was a pause and your father raised his hand to gently place it upon Josh’s shoulder. “Whatever you have to say, just say it without hesitation.”

You watched Josh take in a deep breath, his whole spine stretching to accommodate his expanding lungs. “Well… Would you- I was wondering if I could-” Josh was clearly struggling to form a coherent sentence, earning a hearty chuckle from your father.

“Did I not say without hesitation?”

“No sir, you did.”

“Since when was I sir, that seems so formal.”

“Sorry , Mr. Y/l/n.”

“I’m Mr. Y/l/n now, this must be one hell of a question you’re about to ask.”

“Well I-” Josh took one more deep breath before finally blurting out his question, only to be interrupted halfway through it.

“Yes, Josh. You have my blessing to marry my daughter.” The smile on your fathers face brought equal parts joy and sorrow as you watched him beaming at Josh, laughing at his clearly amusing expression as he pieced together that your father had known the entire time what he was going to ask.

Even from the crack in the door, you could see the crimson blush on the back of his neck, and when you turned to look at him beside you, his cheeks were flushed in that same warm color. Your hand found a place upon his thigh as you focused back upon the screen. 

“Are you sure?” Josh questioned in utter disbelief, expecting some sort of push back from him. He had rehearsed his long speech for hours in the mirror before he had even asked to come over to your childhood home. 

“Am I sure?” Your dad laughed before a wave of seriousness overcame him. “I couldn’t be more sure, son. If any man came in here asking for my daughter's hand in marriage that wasn’t you, I would not have the same answer I gave you. You have all the qualities that she deserves, and you’re one hell of a lucky man if she says yes.” 

“I am the luckiest man alive just to have her as my friend.” Josh replied, tucking his head downwards to hide the blush spreading across his cheeks from your father. 

From behind the phone you could hear your mother’s soft sniffle as she readjusted the camera to get a better view of them. 

“And that… That right there is why I wouldn’t want anyone else to be with her.” Your father gripped Josh’s shoulder and tugged him into an embrace. Your dad locked eyes with the camera and simply lifted up his thumb in approval of the snooping. 

You were certain that there wasn’t a dry eye in the building as the screen cut to black and you turned to Josh. You opened your mouth to say something, but you must’ve looked like a beached fish, gulping for air as tears streamed down your cheeks and words failed to arrive. Josh smiled, placing a hand on one of your cheeks to wipe the tears as his lips pressed against the other. 

When his lips parted from your tear soaked skin, you stood from your seat and walked over to where your mother was sitting. She looked back at you as you leaned down to wrap your arms around her. “I love you, mom.”

Her hands found your own, squeezing them gently as she leaned into your embrace. “I love you so much, sweetheart.”

After much conversation dinner had been served and devoured before you knew it. Once the plates were cleared from the table, Sam, the DJ for the night, leaned into the microphone to introduce the beginning of the dances. “Hope you two don’t mind having all eyes on you again, the first dance tonight is for the new Mr and Mrs Kiszka.” 

Josh pushed his chair out, standing and offering a hand for you to take. You placed your hand in his, lifting yourself from your chair and following as he led you towards the dance floor. The doors of the barn had been opened when everyone finished eating, revealing the beautifully lit outdoor area. Lanterns hung from the branches of surrounding trees, bathing the area in a soft light as Josh came to a halt and spun around to face you. 

His hands quickly found their spots, one twisting its hold on your own as the other gently wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer. “Well, hello my dazzling bride.”

You swooned, losing your footing a bit as he began to lead your movements, earning a chuckle from him as he held you tighter to counter your little slip up. “Not quite used to that yet?”

You smiled, shaking your head. “I don’t think I will for a while… but I sure do love the sound of it coming from your lips.”

He leaned in, close enough that no one would be able to see his lips as they brushed the shell of your ear. “I’ll be sure to use it all the time now.”

Your smile turned up a bit more to one side. “All the time?”

His smirked matched your own as his head returned to its previous position and his eyes met your own. “Any chance I get.”

The song came to an end as the two of you swayed, and Sam’s voice came through the mic once again. “Sorry Josh, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to hand off Y/n, it’s time for the parents to have a dance with the lovely couple.”

The two of you stepped apart, watching as Kelly led Karen towards the two of you. He handed her to Josh before stepping towards you, holding a hand out for you, which you gladly took. 

You could tell that Josh had learned how to dance from his father, Kelly easily picking up a soft swaying motion with you as Sam began playing the next song. 

All he could talk about was how proud he was of you, and the person you had become. He talked of how proud your own father was of you. 

When the song came to an end, he placed a kiss upon your forehead and walked you back to your table. Josh and Karen were up next, Karen’s eyes already red with tears. They swayed and laughed together, Josh playfully dipped his mother half way through the song. 

Karen walked Josh back to his seat, sitting beside the two of you with a grin upon her face. Sam began the playlist he crafted, leaving everyone distracted amongst themselves. 

“I know with the apartment and the wedding, you guys have been tight on money.” Karen began, glancing over at Kelly. “And I firmly believe that everyone deserves a honeymoon.” 

Quizzically you turned towards Josh, surprised to see the same confusion on his face. “So. We have decided to let the two of you have the keys to the cabin for the week.” Kelly presented you with the single key, a small brown bear charm hung off of the key ring. 

“I… Thank you so much.” Josh placed the key within his suit pocket and nodded at his parents with a fat grin on his expression. 

You, Josh and his parents continued to talk amongst yourselves about what there was to do at the cabin, until the music grew slower and you could see Josh staring at you from the corner of your eye. “Care to have our second dance, my beautiful wife?” He smiled, standing from the chair to take your hand in his. 

He whisked you away to the floor, everyone making room for the two of you. Your head found a place against his warm chest and you focused on how his heart beat so steadily. Your whole left let you up to this exact moment, and you wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. 

Half way through the song there was a gentle tap on your shoulder, lazily you pulled yourself from Josh’s chest to be greeted with Jake. “Care if I steal her away?”

“Only if you promise to give her back.” Josh handed you off to his brother, his eyes scanning the room for who he would enjoy to finish his dance with. He landed upon your mother, lonely and longing at the table next to an empty reserved seat. 

“You look remarkable…” Jake began, his eyes resting upon the top of your head as you placed it right where it once rested on Josh. 

“I guess you clean up nice too.” You laughed, feeling his hand squeeze your side ever so softly. From a distance you watched as Josh crafted a smile upon your mothers face that you hadn’t seen since your father passed. 

“Can you promise me something?” Jake ran his hand through one of the soft curls in your hair, using his fingers to gently spread apart a small tangle. 

To feel his gentle touch relaxed you more than the alcohol had. “Hmm. Anything.” 

“If at any point, he doesn’t treat you with every ounce of respect you deserve. Tell me so I can kick his ass.” Jake's voice was so gentle, so delicately spoken that it made you feel safe.

 You leaned against his chest further. “You’ll be the first person I tell.” 

“I better be.” His lips delicately placed a kiss to the top of your head, his arms wrapping around you to pull you into a tighter embrace. The two of you swayed side to side just like that as the song slowly transitioned to a more upbeat one. 

He didn’t want to let you go, if anything he wanted that song to go on for forever. Though as the music changed he knew it was only time to release you from his arms. One single tear ran down his cheek as he kissed the top of your head one last time. “I love you, angel.” 

“I love you too, Jakey.” 

“I HAVE SHOTS!” Danny hollered, nearly kicking you and Jake over towards where the rest of the wedding party was dancing, his hands too full to politely escort you. Jake left your side to be by his girlfriends, planting a firm kiss on her cheek with the biggest shit eating grin on his face. 

“To love.” Danny began, as he passed around the shots he had accumulated on his tiny platter. “To friendship.” He held up his small glass and waited for everyone to follow. “And most importantly, to the honeymoon.” 

The teasing left you flustered, though you laughed alongside everyone else. Though you grimaced, the shot ran down smooth and in just a few seconds you gained some extra confidence. 

As the night moved along, more and more people migrated between the dance floor and the table. A short break was taken to cut the cake, and the drinks were flowing. 

Sam briefly let Danny take control of the booth so that he could have a dance with you. You weren’t sure you could really describe it as a dance, it was mostly just the two of you swaying back and forth while he told you stupid jokes. Only once he could see the tears in your eyes from laughter did he break off… and end up in a tipsy dance battle with Jake's girlfriend, Stevie 

You excused yourself to the side for a breather, finally taking a moment to people watch your own wedding. Jake and his girlfriend were making good use of the cameras that had been left for the guests to take pictures with. He had his arm slung across her shoulder, wide grins on each of their faces as they took candids of each guest they walked past. Jake seemed focused on getting the intimate details on film, as Stevie took polaroids of people in the midst of a joyful exchange. 

You hadn’t realized that someone had approached you until the subtle click of a camera broke you from your trance. Josh had his camera held to his face, watching for the realization to dawn on you, and only when you finally broke into a heart stopping, earth-shattering smile, the smile reserved specifically for him, did he press the shutter button again. He lowered the camera and closed the distance between you two. “Hello, my love. Taking a little break?”

You reached forward, wrapping your hands around his and drawing him even closer. “Yeah, after Sam and Stevie had their dance battle I needed a little breather.”

“I’m sure you did, I could hear you laughing all the way from outside the barn. I was a little offended to be honest.”

“Oh yeah?” You chuckled as your eyes traced the features of his face, the curl of his plump lips as he pouted just a little. “Why’s that?”

“I’ll tell ya, someone was playing music over the most wondrous sound in existence.” His faux pout lasted only milliseconds into his sentence, and by the time he had stopped talking, his lips were spread in a grin that was as cheesy as it was cocky.

You rolled your eyes, but your smile never faltered. “I’m fairly certain I snorted a few times.”

He leaned forward, pressing a chaste kiss to your lips. “Exactly, it’s my favorite sound.”

“My snort?”

He lifted your hands, placing them over his shoulders before dropping his own to your waist. “And all the marvelous laughter that comes before and after it.”

Through everything his touch still allowed the butterflies to swarm your stomach. How lucky you were to get to live life in love with your best friend. “I hope you’re prepared to hear that laughter for a long time.” 

Josh flashed a smile, dipping down to  press his forehead on yours. “I would want nothing more than to hear that happiness for forever. Till death do us part.” 

Inside the barn, everyone began to retreat back to the Airbnb in order to get a safe night's rest with the alcohol running through their system. Though intoxicated, Sam had taken notice of the two of you alone outside and ensured that one last slow song would play before the end of the night. 

In the distance the intro to Sam’s song played delicately. Just loud enough where you could hear the lyrics. “I could stay awake, just to hear you breathin’. Watch you smile while you are sleeping…” 

“I love this song.” Your voice was just as soft against Josh’s chest as the two of you swayed side by side, the last crickets of the season chirped alongside you. There was a silence of comfort that washed over the two of you, no words were spoken as you both listened to the lyrics closely. 

“And then I kiss your eyes, and thank God we’re together. And I just want to stay with you in this moment forever.”

Though he meant for it to be playful, the way he softly kissed your eyelids while humming the song against them had you melting.

Overcome with emotions Josh couldn’t stop the first thought that came to his mind. “Let's leave tonight.” 

“Wait what? To the cabin?” You pulled away from him only slightly to get a good view of his face. The song faded out, leaving you and him alone with just the soft chirping of insects. “It’s only a few hours from here, we could get there before morning if we leave now. I just, I want nothing more than to be completely alone with you, right now.”

“Okay, but let's at least leave a note.” A subtle squeal ended your sentence and you jumped a few times at how spontaneous all of this was. Josh got lost in admiring your excitement, a dorky grin overtaking his cheeks as he stared at you with glazed over eyes. 

The two of you quietly snuck through the side door to find a pen and paper before tiptoeing to your room to pack. Josh paced around the room, collecting all of your belongings as you wrote a note for your family and friends to read in the morning. “You don’t think anyone will be mad about this do you?”

You jumped a bit when a pair of hands suddenly landed on your shoulders and Josh’s breath tickled the side of your neck. “No one will care, it’s our wedding, angel. It’s our honeymoon.”

Once your bags were all packed and ready to go, the two of you decided to pack some snacks for the road. The two of you made your way to the kitchen, coming to a startled stop when your eyes landed on Jake as he leaned up against the fridge with Stevie sitting on the counter next to him, handing him a cupcake. “Well fuck.” She groaned, pulling a five dollar bill from her pocket to hand to Jake. “How did you know?”

“It’s just a twin thing.” Jake smirked as he looked at Stevie, a look that was quickly soiled as she smushed another cupcake into his face, smearing the icing over his nose and mouth.

Jake groaned, reaching for a paper towel to wipe the icing off of his face. He threw out the paper towel once he felt his face was clean enough, catching his twin's eyes with his own and nodding to a bag on the island. “I packed your favorites. Text me when you get there.”

Hugs were passed along between all of you as you said your goodbyes before sneaking back out of the house to pile everything into your vehicle. 

You felt one of his warm arms sliding underneath your thighs, the other reaching behind your back. You were still mildly distracted with the view until you felt your ass lift from the seat about an inch before it fell back towards the cushion. “Wrap your arms around my neck, angel.” He insisted. 

Doing as he asked made it easier for him to lift you up and out of the car with only a few grunts as he rearranged you in his arms. The keys, still in his suit pocket, were soon being fumbled around in his hand as he tried his best to hold you up and steady his hand by the lock. 

“Give it to me.” You reached your hand out to grab the little bear charm between your fingers before effortlessly unlocking the door. “You know, you could have just picked me up after you unlocked the door.” 

“Hey. I think I’m doing a damn good job, thank you very much.” He spoke through a shit eating smirk as he kicked the door open. Josh tried to take the first steps through the doorway as a married couple, but didn’t quite calculate the size of the entrance. There was a soft thunk of your head hitting the door frame that grabbed his attention. “Oh shit, are you okay?”

It was your belly roll of a laugh that answered his question, and he couldn’t stop his own chuckles from erupting as he just stood and observed you radiate happiness in his arms. “God, I should have packed a helmet apparently.” 

He let you slide from his grasp, giving a light smack to your ass as he turned to walk back out to the car to grab your luggage. You turned and watched as he scurried off, giggling to himself. 

With luggage in both hands he stopped in his tracks at the entryway to the bedroom to admire you as you reached behind to carefully slip from your dress. It was the subtle creek of Josh shifting his weight that had you looking up at him through your eyelashes. 

“I'm going to go unpack my things in the bathroom.” Your voice was smooth and lacked the playful ambiance that Josh had left you with. “Don’t wait up.” 

The dress slipped down your body and onto the floor. Cautiously, you stepped out of the circle of fabric and took your bag in the bathroom with you. The oak door clicked shut behind you, and you frantically sat your belongings on the sink to rummage through the multitude of items. 

On the opposite side of the door, Josh was excitedly looking for all of the candles to place them upon every inch of the room. Striving for perfection he took his time on the placement, scooting some candles closer to others to get a romantic glow of light upon the bed. It illuminated a vase of roses, a tiny white card with his mothers handwriting stuck out above the flowers. 

He pulled the card from the bouquet, reading it over as he plucked a rose from the vase. 

A symbol of the beautiful love the two of you share. We hope your honeymoon is as special as the two of you deserve, we love you so much.

Mom and Dad

Josh placed the card on the dresser, leaving it tucked beside the vase as he pulled a couple more roses from the bouquet. He could hear the sound of the shower running from the other side of the bathroom door, and he took a moment to simply stand in his spot, listening as you softly began to hum a song to yourself as you cleansed your skin of the day. 

It didn’t feel like you had been in the shower long when you counted yourself as sufficiently cleansed and reached down to shut the water off. You took your time to dry and moisturize your body before wrapping your hair in a towel and opening your makeup bag to collect your skincare items. You could hear what sounded like Josh pacing around the bedroom as you rinsed your face of cleanser, and you continued to listen to the soft pitter patter of his socks on the hardwood as you massaged the serums and moisturizer into your skin, step by step. 

He had stopped a few times, once in front of his open suitcase to shed his suit jacket and tie. The second time was when he stepped outside for a breather, and the third was when he stopped at the side of the king size bed, welcoming the mental images his brain was conjuring up of everything he was planning on doing with you when he finally had you in his arms.

Josh was lost in his own little world, making it exceptionally easy for you to sneak out of the bathroom and tiptoe your way toward him. You felt his muscles tense up momentarily as your arms slid around him, but he quickly relaxed. Your fingers travelled the length of his torso, running along the buttons of his dress shirt until you reached the first open button.

His hands were quickly over your own, pulling them only far enough away for him to turn around, his eyes immediately taking note of your new attire. You raised your eyebrows at him as you placed your hands against his shirt once again, silently awaiting his approval. His lips curled into a smirk as he nodded at you, looking down as you began slowly undoing each button. 

Now that his hands were free they were tracing down your silk robe as white as snow. They fumbled a bit unknotting the tie, but as soon as the loose ends were dangling downwards he was left mesmerized by your set hiding beneath the silk. Your bra was sheer white, as a fresh layer of snow would allow the ground to peek through from below, it allowed your breasts to shine through. His fingers danced upon the embroidered thread as delicately as he could. 

His eyes explored lower and once he arrived at your navel his fingers traced the edge of your matching garter belt. He was oblivious that his whole chest was now exposed as you popped open the last button. “All of this…” His fingers softly dug into your hips as he got lost in admiration. “For me?” 

Your fingers dipped beneath the band of his slacks, pushing him back as you stepped forward, leading him closer to the bed until the backs of his knees hit the mattress. “All for you, Josh, always.”

His eyes lifted to your own, and the two of you stood in a comfortable silence, simply breathing in the moment as the candles all around you bathed the two of you in a soft glow. One of his hands trailed from its spot on your hip to your face, gently running his thumb across your cheek. “I love you.”

He felt the weight of your head resting into his palm as a soft sigh fell from your lips. “I love you too, Josh.”

Josh leaned forward, brushing his lips against yours for only a moment before closing the distance. It was slow, patient even, as he slotted his lips with your own. You could feel his fingers twitch slightly before the grip of his hand tightened a bit, pulling you impossibly closer as he moved to sit on the bed. There was no part of you that wanted to part from him, your bodies moving in harmony as he drew you in to sit on his lap.  

The hand he had on your jaw kept your face close to his as your hands explored his bare chest, travelling once again to the waistband of his pants, pulling his shirt from its tucked position in his slacks. The feeling of his fingers pressing into your thigh, veiled only by the thin mesh of your stockings, was fogging up your brain already.

His hands traveled down your bare thigh and used the curve of your knee to pull your legs further apart and lower you down upon his lap, just enough for there to be a touch of that heavenly friction he craved. There was a delightful hum of approval that snuck past your parted, glistening lips that only egged Josh on further. So cautiously, he slid his hand back up your thigh to hold your hips in place as he pulled your body down to grind slowly against the cloth separating you from his erection. 

He knew you could feel the embroidery pressing against your core, his eyes locked onto every single movement he made. So with that in mind, he pulled you down once more for another slow and drawn out ride upon his lap. Your once regulated breath turned into soft huffs of air as the warmth encapsulated your core. Every part of your body was burning for him, your husband, the man that you would forever have the pleasure of pleasuring. 

Unable to stop yourself, your hand upon his chest laid him back against the smooth comforter, and you left his lap only to slowly shimmy his pants and boxers down and off of his legs. With the barrier gone, you repositioned yourself upon his lap, feeling as his erection landed flawlessly between his stomach and your lace covered, glistening cunt. 

Leaning forward you took your time leaving a trail of kisses up his goose bumped chest until you found the heartbeat along the curve of his neck. Your lips lingered there for a while to appreciate the rhythm of his rapid pulse. You pulled your hips forward to drag up against his erection, earning a firm whimper of approval from Joshua.

You savored the hitching of his breath as you dragged your hips over him for a while, a silent challenge to see which one of you would make a move for more first. It seemed as though you had held out just long enough, feeling Josh’s hands reach for you to slow your movements to a stop. You lifted your head from where it was resting, giving him a curious look as he laid beneath you, staring up at you in lust filled bliss already. 

His fingers gently tapped the back of your thighs, and you raised an eyebrow at him. “Words, Josh. I wanna hear your beautiful voice, baby.”

His lips curled into a smirk as he gently swatted your thigh. “That’s my line, angel.”

You appeased him, shuffling forward just the slightest bit before stopping again. He playfully rolled his eyes, digging the tops of his fingers into your thighs a little harder, dragging you forward. “Let me taste you, baby. No need to tease.”

You melted into his grasp, allowing him to pull you higher and higher until your knees were on either side of his face. His arms remained wrapped around your thighs as he lifted his head just enough to press a chaste kiss against the arousal soaked mesh of your panties.

You could feel his tongue playfully licking at your panties but you wanted to see it. You wanted to watch every second that he pleasured you. So, you took it upon yourself to press your arms backwards, hands holding his thighs to keep you in place. Now, as you looked down the slope of your stomach you just saw his golden brown eyes, illuminated by candlelight, staring directly back into yours. 

Maintaining eye contact, Josh brought his fingers up to gently pull the fabric barrier to the side and though he had seen you like this before he took a moment to truly appreciate you. Craving more, you interrupted his admiration by pushing your hips downward ever so slightly just to snap him back into reality. 

“Desperate are we?” Josh hummed out, only millimeters away from where you needed his lips to be. 

You squirmed in anticipation. “Please, Josh.” The whine was so needy, so pitiful that Josh sympathized with you and let his tongue glide upwards upon your slit, all the while maintaining eye contact. 

Watching you, with your fucked out expression as he lapped against your core only encouraged him more. He looped an arm under and around your thighs to pull you in closer, nearly suffocating himself in the process as he sucked and licked every inch of your throbbing clit. He felt each and every time your thighs twitched against his cheeks. Every now and then he’d let his head fall to the side to catch a quick breath, but it didn’t last for long before he was back to devouring you. His wife. 

He didn’t stop when he felt your stomach tense. He didn’t stop when he watched your head fall backwards. Instead he continued at a rhythmic pace. A string of melodic moans echoed around the dimly lit room, and as you clenched your legs against his cheeks you could feel the moisture cascading from your cunt and against his face. Breathy, spaced out huffs slowly regulated your heartbeat and brought you back to earth. 

“You’re so damn delicious, angel.” Josh licked his lips, gently releasing his grip upon you to scoot you back down enough where he could lean up and wipe away the reflective liquids from his nose and chin. 

It took you a few minutes to fully catch your breath, but it was worth it when you slid from your spot on his lap, and continued down until your knees landed on the soft rug. You watched as he lifted himself to lean forward, his lips parted as he stared down at you on your knees for him, your hands slowly inching up his thighs. 

He sat, mesmerized as he watched the way your fingers danced along his skin, getting closer and closer to where he desperately needed you. The sound of a soft hum coming from you broke his trance, and his eyes lifted to see your own looked back at him as you leaned forward, ghosting your lips over the length of his cock. “You’re so pretty, Josh.”

His chuckle was breathy as he reached down to take your chin between his fingers. “My sweet girl, you’re on your knees for me, and you’re calling me pretty?”

You took advantage of his focus on your face as you nodded softly. “Mhm.” Your hand inched forward, wrapping your fingers around the base of his cock. “Prettiest man in existence I think.”

His head fell back as you gently tightened your grip on him, running your hand up his length, followed closely by a pleased hum as your lips followed in close behind, peppering kissing until your hand reached the tip of his cock. Your thumb rolled over the head, collecting the beads of precum that had been leaking out as you teased him. 

“Fuck, Y/n- need your mouth, angel- please.”

You rolled your hand back down to the base, giving it a light squeeze as you stuck your tongue out and dragged it along the length of his cock. The sound of a shuddered groan slipping between his lips only fed your desire, and you responded by wrapping your lips around him and sucking. The action made him gasp, followed closely by a collection of profanities. “Fuck, Y/n- I’m not gonna last long if you keep teasing me like this, babe.”

You pulled your mouth off of him, leaning your head against his thigh as you began lazily stroking his cock with your hand. “We’ve been waiting weeks for this, Josh. You think we’re going to stop after we’ve had a taste?”

His head fell forward, his curls bouncing as he shook his head. “God no.”

You hummed before returning your mouth to his cock. You could feel every small twitch, every jolt of his hips as he tried to chase the pleasure you were inflicting. You knew he was close, you watched as his head lulled back, his eyes closed as he panted. 

The smile on your face was inevitable as you listened to the disapproving groan that came from Josh when you released his cock from between your lips. You continued to use your hand on him as his head rolled back to face you, his eyes remaining closed. “Joshua, baby. Look at me.”

His eyes opened slowly, fluttering closed briefly when he saw the way you were looking up at him through your eyelashes, a much too innocent look on your face for the situation. “Open your eyes, baby. Don’t you wanna see how pretty your wife looks with your cum on her tits.”

You chuckled at how quickly Josh’s eyes shot open, his lips parted as he looked at you in mild disbelief at your vulgar words. He didn’t last long after that, succumbing to the pleasure, and watching as hot ropes of cum painted the skin of your chest. Your gaze followed his, landing on the small trails of his semen as they rolled down your chest. It was a mindless action as Josh reached forward, running his thumb over your skin to collect his own arousal before lifting it to tap over your bottom lip, a silent instruction. Your lips parted with no resistance, welcoming the weight of his thumb on your tongue. 

Watching you, with his thumb in your mouth your lips wrapped around the base of it to ensure no drop went to waste, had him needing your more. He may have just came but his cock was pleading to feel more of you, all of you. Impatiently he pulled you up and over, laying you beside himself on your back. 

Stunned, you sat still and watched as he stood and positioned himself between your legs. “You don’t need a moment?” You teased, impressed with his stamina. 

“Fuck waiting.” The head of his cock slipped effortlessly between your soaked folds, pushing deeper into you without warning. Your widened eyes encouraged him further, he slowly pushed deeper until he couldn’t physically go any further. “Just wanna feel you.” 

Josh arched his back upwards ever so slightly to angle his pelvis deliciously against your clit. Instead of pulling out to get a thrust in, he simply rocked his hips in a way that shifted his pelvis, rolling it against your sensitive nub. It was intimate and slow, and while you were desperate for him the intimacy was fulfilling. 

His hands were beside your breasts, arms straight up to hold his body above yours. With his hips continuing to rock against you, you could already feel that familiar sensation building up in your stomach. Your eyes caught the way his arms quivered, elbows locked as he fought to keep himself composed. With a gentle touch, you ran a hand along his arm, the other lifting to brush over his cheek. “Take a breath, Josh, come back to me.”

You watched as he visibly relaxed, pushing the position of his arms and lowering himself so that his chest was just millimeters from your own, his face coming to rest in the curve of your neck. “Love you so much, Y/n- fuck, you’re perfect.”

You wrapped a leg around his, fully embracing the moment in its entirety. Josh’s warm yet minty breath huffed directly against your neck between his lazy kisses. “I love you too Josh. Always.” Your words were reciprocated with one strong thrust from Josh before he returned back to his original pace. 

He was lost in the moment, huffing and panting against your neck. Lost in the love he had for you. God, you’re my wife. You’re mine. He would say between breaths. I fucking love you, I love you so much angel. The pure admiration and lust swirling in his words was inching you closer to your release, so you leaned downwards to place your ear almost directly against his lips. 

“Keep going.” You murmured, though it was quiet he heard you loud and clear. 

“I love you. Everything about you. I love how good your pussy feels, and the fact it’s all mine. Fuck, you’re all mine, forever.” He was lost in his own train of words, but the grumping against your lips had your thighs clenching around Josh’s hips. Every thrust combined with the vibrations of his voice brought you closer until you could finally feel it snap in your stomach. Your head flew backwards, neck outstretched for his viewing pleasure. 

You let out a string of moans as your back arched against him, pushing him off the bed slightly as you squirmed from the consistent rounds of lighting coursing through your veins. When you came to, your body relaxed completely underneath him. “Fuck.” You huffed out, still trying to steady your breath. 

“My wife is so sexy.”

His lips found the sweat dampened skin of your chest as your breathing slowly regulated, and your fingers quickly found their way into his hair, winding themselves into the shaggy curls. “I could say the same about my husband.”

Your pussy fluttered at the overstimulation as you felt him rock against you again, lifting himself until his lips were hovering over your own, a cocky smile plastered on his face. “Oh yeah?”

You tried to close the distance, but he pulled back, clicking his tongue at you. “Tell me about it, angel. Let me hear that pretty voice of yours.”

You couldn’t stop yourself from letting out a whine that sounded a touch more desperate than you were intending as you arched your back to press yourself against him. He chuckled and pressed a soft kiss to your lips. “You still want more, angel? If you want it, all you have to do is ask.”

Your leg tightened around his hip, providing even the slightest friction of his cock, still buried inside of you. “I want it all, Josh. Need you to fill me up, baby.”

You groaned in disappointment as he slowly pulled out of you, standing up straight and taking a moment to simply take in the vision of you laid out on the bed for him. He got back onto the bed, leaning against the headboard and turning to see you watching his every move. “Come here, angel.”

You had no desire to argue, crawling your way into his lap. One of his hands quickly found your hip, holding you above him just enough for the other hand to tease the head of his cock through your folds. Your head fell to his shoulder when it brushed over your overstimulated clit, earning a low hum from deep within Josh’s chest. “Is my girl feeling sensitive?”

You nodded against the skin of his shoulder, too overwhelmed for words. He ran the tip across your clit again, smirking at the way your hips flinched away from the contact. “Do we need to take a little break?” 

When your response was to simply shake your head, his fingers wound into the hair at the base of your skull, drawing you gently away from his shoulder to look him in the eye. “Words, Y/n. Need you to tell me if we need to stop.”

Your lips parted, and though it took a few deep breaths before you could, you eventually managed to croak out, “Don’t stop. Need you inside me, Josh.”

The fingers he had in your hair traced along your jawline, his thumb eventually resting against your lip. “I want to hear all those pretty little noises you make, angel. No one else is here, there's no need to be quiet.”

Your lips parted in a breathless moan as he lined himself up and slowly lowered you onto his cock. Though he was the one teasing and inching his way inside of you, you watched as his jaw dropped at the way you perfectly encapsulated his dick. He cussed out through clench teeth as you teasingly clenched around his length. 

Leaning forward, you pressed your head into the crook of his neck and lifted your hips away from him, slowly arching your back downwards to lower yourself slowly back down the length of his cock. You repeated this motion, fueled by the grunts and whimpers that slipped from Josh’s swollen lips. 

He rested his hands upon your hips, aiding in your rocking motion to push you down and roll his hips inside of you in a way that allowed for every single inch of his length to feel the inside of your warmth. A steady rhythm was introduced, and eventually the overstimulation grew uncontrollable and it took every ounce of concentration to keep your motions steady.

Josh wasn’t ignorant to this, if anything he wanted to help you more. The hold on your hips got a bit firmer as he now lifted you a few inches upwards, and from below began to fuck you. The sounds alone were delightfully sinful. Your whimpers grew sporadic and you desperately reached down to grab hold of his shoulder to help steady yourself. The sensitivity was overbearing but in a way that left you craving more. 

“Want you to cum again…” Josh breathed out, focused on not skipping a beat. “Want to spoil you…” You could tell by the short, cut up, sentences that he himself was on the edge of his release once more. His fucked out gravely voice left your neck stretching backwards.

“Josh, together? Please?” He asked you to use your words and that was exactly what you did. He seemed to appreciate it though, as his jaw hung open to allow a groan to slip past his tongue. 

“I’m almost there, baby.” His thighs tensed up below you, and you took back control of the situation. The two of you got lost in the sensation. Eventually your foreheads were pressed against one another, a few lazy kisses were shared. It was the warmth of his release inside of you that had you spiraling above him. The two of you whimpered and moaned in unison crafting a wonderful harmony. Solidifying your relationship more than it already had the day before. You wanted nothing more to live in this balance of love and lust for just a while longer, but your body grew weak. 

Josh pushed through one last thrust and the motion of his hips sent you falling forwards against his chest.

“Josh… There’s a washing machine here…” You turned your head to the side to try and make eye contact. “Right?”

“I think at the rate we’re going… We’re just going to have to buy new sheets.”

“Are you serious? Like, actually, one hundred percent serious?”

You giggled at the shocked look on Josh’s face as you looked at him from beneath the blankets. He was on the way to the bathroom, still groggy from his slumber as he trudged into the en-suite when you casually made a suggestion that stopped him in his tracks. “Yes, Josh. I am one hundred percent serious.”

The speed in which he spun around and ran into the bathroom. He left the door open for you to watch as he riffled through your drawers. You could see the way he lit up when he found it, turning to you with a triumphant grin before stepping on the little pedal of the trashcan and dropping your last package of birth control into the bin.

Josh spent the next couple weeks collecting as much information as he could on pregnancy, and everything you could possibly need to assist with conception. You were just enjoying the baby making process. Every possible moment he could be between your legs, he took, clearly eager and excited about the prospect of getting his wife pregnant.

The arrival of your last period slowed the two of you down a bit. When you woke up alone, you were undoubtedly disappointed, you slid from beneath the covers to go find him, pulling on your slippers and shuffling out of your bedroom. You had no luck, instead finding a note on the kitchen counter to inform you that he had gone to get groceries, and would be back soon. 

You huffed, turning and opening the fridge to look for something to eat, staring into it for a few minutes before the sound of the door unlocking captured your attention. You moved to meet him at the door as it swung open, a wide grin on your face as your eyes landed on Josh with an armful of grocery bags. You reached forward, taking a couple of the bags from him as he entered the apartment. The two of you made your way to the kitchen, comfortably quiet as you unloaded the groceries. 

Josh placed the bags in his arms onto the counter before turning to watch as you stood across the kitchen from him, wearing one of his old tee shirts and a pair of panties as you pulled items from one of the bags and separated them so that you could put them away quickly. He abandoned his own bags after getting any frozen or refrigerated item stored away, opting instead to wrap his arms around your waist and press a kiss to your temple. “So my app says that today is your most fertile day.”

You spun within his grasp, turning to him with a mildly confused painted on your features. “You have an app?”

His grip on you tightened, pulling you close enough for his lips to brush against your own. “Of course I do, I just wanna make my angel a momma.”

Your lips broke into a smile, and you pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. “I know you do, my love. You’ve been showing up to my work with special juice everyday.”

Josh threw his head back with a hearty chuckle. “Well, yeah. They have vitamins in them to help your body get ready to grow a human.”

You leaned forward, littering a few kisses over the expanse of his throat. “You know what I really need right now?”

Josh’s head lifted to look at you, his eyes quickly catching the way yours had darkened. “What is it baby? I’ll get you anything you want, just give me a list.”

Your smile dropped to a smirk as you brushed your lips against his once again. “You.”

You were swept off of your feet within seconds, being speed walked towards your bedroom. His enthusiasm had you giggling the entire way to the bedroom, but quickly stopped when he tossed you onto the bed and tore his shirt over his head. He watched as you readjusted to lay against your pillows, and you watched with bated breath as he untied the drawstring of his sweatpants and pushed them and his boxers down his legs. He kicked the clothing to the side before crawling onto the bed. 

“I think instead of making me drink those juices… I should just call off work for the week and do this the entire time…” Josh moved to be on top of you, his knees pushing your legs to the side though he didn’t have to do much work. 

“Oh? Is that so?” He hummed, leaning down to delicately nip at your collarbone, ensuring that the soft pink blood spots rose to the surface. “You don’t think you’d get tired of it?” His kisses lowered until his teeth were grazing across your nipple. 

You sucked in a deep breath at the sensation before retaliating. “Joshua. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of your cock.” 

The vulgarity of your language had Josh glancing upwards at you, his jaw dropped into a smirk. “Is that so? You want my dick inside that pretty pussy of yours?” He gently bit down on your nipple, but with enough force to produce a gasp of surprise from you.

You reached down to grab hold of the back of his head and pulled him up so his face was aligned with yours. “I want you to follow through with your words and put a baby in me, Joshua.” 

There was no rebuttal, no protest, as Josh slammed his lips upon yours as if he were touch starved. As if he had gone years without a meal and you were offering him a buffet. There was a quiet, yet noticeable, grunt that echoed in his throat as you gently dug your nails into the skin of his neck. 

His hand snaked up your side and approached your throat, grasping the sides of it firmly to grab your attention and control of the situation. “If you want me to make you a mother, a mother is what you’ll be.” Typically, he would be an advocate for foreplay, but he could already see how glistening your core was as it anticipated him. 

So instead, he lined up his throbbing cock with your entrance, playfully using his free hand to glide the head up and down your slit to help spread around your arousal. It wasn’t a difficult task as there was plenty to go around. You squirmed below him, desperate to feel every single inch pushing against your walls. 

“Josh… Come on.” You whined, earning a shit eating grin from Josh as he softly tapped your clit with the head. 

“Beg for it. I want to hear that pretty mouth of yours begging for it.” The grip he had on your throat tightened ever so softly and his attention once again landed upon clit as he teased it so mercilessly. 

“Fuck Josh, please. I need you. I need you so bad, baby. Please just fill me up.” You bucked your hips upwards at an attempt for him to accidentally slide inside of you, and to your surprise it actually worked this time.

“So impatient. So fucking spoiled. I’ve treated you so damn good you think you can just take what you want?” He laughed softly as he leaned down to press his nose against yours. “You can have anything you want, baby, but on my terms.”

Though he wanted to continue the teasing, he knew you were all too needy for him and in return he succumbed to your begging and gave you exactly what you desired. Without warning, he let every single inch slip its way inside of you, smirking as you gasped. “Is that not what you’ve wanted this whole time?” He teased.

“Fuck Josh. It is. Keep going, please.” Again, he did as you wished and began a flawless rhythm as his dick repeatedly slammed inside of you. He was desperate for what he wanted and let that desperation fuel him. He wanted nothing more than to be a father. To be the person that stood alongside you as you brought another human into this world. Fuck, he was going to get to that point one way or another.

He released the grip upon your throat to fall forward and place his elbows alongside your head. His lips brushed against the shell of your ear. “I’m going to fill up every single bit of that gorgeous cunt until you’re the mother of my child, do you understand that?” 

Just hearing the rasp in his voice as he talked you through his plans for the night had you squirming below him in sensory overload. “I understand. That’s exactly what I want Josh. Please.”

“God you’re such a good girl. How did I get so lucky?” A few good thrusts later and he was pulling away from you. He pulled out, and with a tap of your hip you knew exactly what he wanted and willingly rolled over to be on your hands and knees, or more so your face and knees. Your ass was up in the air and ready for him and he couldn’t control himself when his hand came down to smack upon it. The pain rippled through your body, but it was desirable. 

You felt him ease into you this time, knowing that he was just staring down to admire the way it slipped inside. His pace picked back up and before you knew it his nails were digging crescent moon shaped indents within your hips. 

The repetitive sound of his hips slapping against your ass was music to your ears, while the constant flow of your moans was the music to his. His hands ran up your spine until he was able to grab a fist full of hair and use it as a set of reins to crank your head backwards. “I don’t wanna hear you muffled, angel. I want to hear those moans as loud as they come.” 

The tension on your head, the pain that was just now dying down from his smack to your ass, all of it added to the stimulation you felt from his mesmerizing motions. Quicker than you anticipated that all too familiar edge of your orgasm came to light. 

“Hmm I can tell you’re gonna cum for me.” Josh groaned. “I can always feel you clenching against my cock when it’s about to make you cum.” 

He was right, and soon your head was being pushed into the mattress as your body lurched forward with the rounds of sensation that amplified with every single motion of Josh’s hips. The near scream of your pleasure had Josh struggling to hold himself together, and nearly alongside you, the warmth of his finish filled you just as he promised. 

With heavy breaths, he remained stationary, pressing his hand firm upon your back to instruct you to hold still. “Now you’re going to sit just like that for five minutes. Got it?” 

You nodded your head in understanding. “Got it.” If anything you arched your back more, ensuring that after Josh slipped out of you none of it would spill outwards until it was time. 

“Actually, wait.” Your voice was a bit strained after your activities, but Josh stopped moving and raised an eyebrow at you. “Can I lay on my back with a pillow or something? This is gonna make my neck sore.”

Josh chuckled, his hands reaching for your hips to flip you onto your back, tucking a pillow beneath your hips and crossing your legs at the ankle before reaching for your phone and handing it to you. “Better?”

You beamed at him, taking your phone from between his fingers and letting your head fall back against the pillow. “Better. Thank you, my love.”

The next morning differed drastically. You woke up on your back, the feeling of Josh’s lips peppering kisses up the length of your throat rousing you from your slumber. “Good morning, my love.” Your voice was  laced with sleep as you began gently running your fingers through his curls.

He hummed, detaching from the spot on your neck that he had been kissing and nipping at for a while. “Good morning, angel.”

You could feel the slow roll of his hips against yours, the weight of his cock remaining as his hips stopped moving. You added a bit more pressure to your fingers as they ran along his scalp, earning a low groan, and another, more purposeful roll of his hips against your own. “What’s got you so worked up this morning, Josh?”

His head settled against the curve of your neck, and he pressed a long, warm kiss to the skin before responding. “I had a dream last night.”

“Oh yeah?” You hummed, letting your legs slowly pull apart, letting Josh's hips settle further against yours as he went back to kissing the spot on your neck. “Tell me about it.”

“You were pregnant. We had uh- we had just found out.” You hummed in response as he began to tell you about it, trailing a hand along the sheets next to you until you reached your hip, slipping it between your bodies. “And we got to do an ultrasound-”

His words trailed off to a groan as you wrapped your fingers around his cock. “How did I look pregnant?”

He chuckled a bit, strain evident in his voice as you slowly began to run your hand along his length. “Fucking beautiful.”

You smiled, moving to run the head of his cock through your folds, revealing to him just how wet you were. “Are you gonna put a baby in me, Josh?”

He nodded against your skin, jutting his hips into your hand as you continued to tease it through your arousal. “Wanna put a baby in you so bad, angel.”

You lined up the tip of his cock with your entrance and loosened your grasp on him. The moment your fingers left his skin he rocked forward, inching into you slowly. You readjusted beneath him, helping him to find a comfortable position for the two of you as he drew his hips back, and sinking back into you with a bit more enthusiasm. “So what was it like? Your dream.”

He giggled as he rocked his hips into yours. “Unreal, Y/n. If the real thing is anything like that dream, I can’t wait.” 

His hips fought to keep a steady rhythm, but you knew how Josh could get in the morning. Days where he was so needy and eager left him struggling to last long, but you loved them. His moans and whimpers were muffled as he kept his lips attached to your skin, but you heard them all, you loved every miniscule noise that left his lips in the haze of such pleasure. You ran your fingernails along the expanse of his back, clenching yourself around him. His hips stuttered as he finished, a deep groan falling from between his lips. You helped him through the come down, gently rubbing his back as he caught his breath. “I’m sorry, angel.”

You chuckled and tilted your head to press a kiss to his temple. “Why are you sorry, my love.”

“You didn’t finish.”

“It’s okay, Josh”

He looked up at you, offended by your words. “It absolutely is not okay.”

You giggled, an idea popping into your head as you spotted his hand on your waist. “You know.” You wrapped your hand around his, dragging it over your stomach to your navel. “There’s always something else you can use to get me there.”

His eyebrow lifted, and he quickly clued into what you were talking about. Both of you groaned at the loss of contact as Josh pulled out of you, but he got the satisfaction of watching your eyes flutter shut when he slid his fingers through the mixture of your arousal and his own. “You want my fingers, angel?”

You nodded, hoping it would be enough, and for once it was. Josh slid two of his fingers into you, curling them in just the way he knew you liked, watching in satisfaction as you arched into him, and listening as you repeated his name like a mantra.

The pace he set had you teetering on the edge of an orgasm faster than you expected. “Josh, I’m so close.”

His lips found the curve of your jaw, pressing a few lingering kisses there as he kept the pace, matching it as he rubbed small patterns over your clit. “Cum for me, angel. Look so pretty when you cum all over my fingers.”

Your orgasm flowed through you like a rolling tide, every muscle relaxing into the mattress below you. Josh slowed his fingers as he worked you through your release, pulling out once your breathing became more even. The two of you stayed laying like that for a while, tipping in and out of slumber in the comfort of each other's embrace. “Can we sleep for a bit longer?”

Josh’s arms tightened around you, and you could feel the rumble of his chest as he spoke. “Yes.”

You smiled, nuzzling a bit closer to him. “Good… but we need to remember to wash these sheets when we get out of bed.”

“I know that look, Josh, if you know why your brother was just as insistent about this dinner as we are, why won’t you just tell me?” Your legs were dangling off the counter as you watched Josh scramble around the kitchen, collecting all the ingredients he needed to start making dinner. 

“It’s just a feeling, babe. And if I told you, not only would it not be a surprise, if it’s not what I think it is, we’re both just going to be disappointed.” He added one last ingredient to his pile before turning to you and placing his hands against the counter, boxing you in. “Just be patient, angel. They’ll be here before you know it.”

To his credit, Josh was right about time going by quickly as the two of you prepared dinner, eventually realizing the time and shuffling away from the kitchen to get ready. You were applying makeup at the bathroom mirror when Josh came up from behind you, his hands looping around your stomach to pull you in closer. “You look absolutely stunning, angel.” He moved your hair away from your neck to softly kiss the exposed skin. 

“Is that so?” You leaned your head downwards, allowing him more room to kiss a line down your spine. 

“Radiant, even.” He stopped kissing you once his lips reached the edge of your shirt, and instead he removed his hands from your stomach and brought them up to dig his thumbs into your shoulders. Though you enjoyed the massage, a portion of you was prepared for his kisses to continue further, so you let out a huff of disappointment. “I can’t distract you for too long, they’ll be here in about half an hour.” 

“That’s plenty of time.” You protest, turning around to face him now, your hands reaching for his belt buckle. 

Josh’s smirk expanded across his cheeks as he reached down to grab your hand in his. “After dinner. I promise.” He admired the small pout that formed on your mouth because of his words, and pressed his thumb against your bottom lip. “I haven’t broken a promise yet, have I?”

“No.” Your tone was a tad desperate, wallowing in the loss of contact as he turned to put on deodorant. 

You walked up behind him, taking advantage of his raised arms to wrap your own around his waist. “I love you.”

You could feel the tumblr of his chest as he chuckled, lowering his arms to rest over yours. “I love you too.” 

The two of you managed to finish getting dressed as soon as Jake knocked on your front door. You almost jogged out to the living room to welcome them in, Josh following closely behind. Stevie greeted you first with a warm and welcoming embrace, Jake following behind for his bear hug that you had missed so much. 

The bottle of wine clinked against your back, and you curiously pulled away from the hug to take a look at what brand it was. “Hey you remembered!” You exclaimed, grabbing the Arrington Firefly Rosé from his hands.

“How could I forget? You and Josh drank the full bottle in one night.”  

You smiled at the memory, taking the wine with you to the kitchen as Josh led the two of them toward the dining table. When you walked back with three wine glasses in hand, Jake sent a curious glance in your direction. You placed the wine on the table as Josh went to gather the food, placing glasses in front of the others spots at the table, the glass of water you had been sipping on when they arrived still sitting in your spot. “No wine for you, Y/n?”

You lifted your glass, taking a sip before responding. “Maybe later. My stomach has not been a friend to me today, so I’ll have to see how dinner makes me feel.”

Jake lowered his suspicion but the squint in his eye was very much still apparent as he pulled the chair out for Stevie to sit. Josh happily brought over the stuffed shells, garlic bread and side salad that the two of you managed to make entirely from scratch.  

There was a roar of chatter as everyone took their first serving of food, the steam rolling off the ceramic plates carrying with it the most delightful scent of basil and tomato sauce. You were uncharacteristically silent, forking small bites into your mouth as you insisted on being more observant for once. 

As everyone joined you in eating, an awkward silence washed upon the table. You could tell that both Josh and Jake were biting their tongues as hard as physically possible to keep both of their secrets under locks.

That was, until they simply couldn’t hold it back anymore.

“We’re pregnant!”

“We’re engaged!”

The two of them spoke over one another in unison, almost so perfectly they couldn’t quite pick up every word that was said. You were positive it was simply due to them being twins that they both managed to understand one another perfectly.

Jake stood from the table, a finger pointed directly at you with the largest, toothy grin you’d ever see him wear. “I KNEW it” He slapped his hand down on the table with excitement. “I knew something was up when you said no to wine! You’ve forced me to get you wine between your drunk vomit sessions before. I should have been harder on you.”

You remained quiet, but your smile was as wide as physically possible as you watched Jake look between you and Josh with one of the most excited expressions you’ve ever seen on him. He ran around the table and pulled you from your chair, wrapping his arms around you in a tight hug and swaying the two of you side to side. “Go easy there Jake, I wasn’t lying when I said my stomach has not been kind to me.”

His movement stopped as quickly as they had started, and he gently placed you back on the floor, his hands remaining on you as he pulled back, his smile so wide that you were convinced his cheeks were going to start to cramp up. 

Jake knelt down, his hands moving to the front of your stomach. His face was blocked by his hair in such a way you couldn’t see the tears welling up in the corner of his eyes. “Hey little one.” He whispered, rubbing his thumb back and forth slowly against your stomach. “I’m your uncle. You’re going to be hearing my voice a lot, so just know. Never listen to Uncle Sammy.” 

“Already teaching our child the important life lessons.” Josh laughed along, looking over towards Stevie who was also tearing up. “And if I heard right, congratulations on you two! I don’t want us to have all the attention, you guys deserve a celebration.” 

Jake stood up and walked back over to Stevie, carefully pulling her hand up from the table to show off the ring he had purchased for her. “Look at this bad boy.”  

You walked over, taking her hand out of his and inspecting the ring on her finger. “It’s beautiful, really suits you I think. So how’d he do it? I mean, I know how much he had to prep just to ask you to move in with him so I can only imagine how nervous he must have been.”

Her face just lit up at the question, as you were the first person she officially got to tell the story to. “So… We all know Jake plays guitar. So one night he told me he wrote a song for me and of course I sat down to listen.” She reached over to grab his arm. “He began the song and half way through it he accidently dropped his pick on the ground, when he came back up from looking for it he was on one knee and he had magically found a ring instead of his guitar pick.”

Jake was blushed, fully reddened in the cheeks as she described the events in detail. “I was shaking horribly. I’m surprised I even got the ring on her finger when she said yes.”

The four of you chin chatted a bit more as you spoke about their engagement, finally settling enough to finish eating your dinner with the news out in the open. Stevie took a sip of her wine before turning to you. “So how far along are you?” 

You smiled, placing your fork on your plate and looking over to Stevie. “Doctor said around seven weeks, we just found out a few days ago.”

She smiled, everyone at the table clearly buzzing with more excitement than usual. “So you’re early days still, first trimester?”

You nodded, taking a sip of your water. “Yup. We’re keeping it kinda under wraps until the second trimester just to be safe, but Josh and I both knew he would explode if he wasn’t able to tell someone, especially Jake.”

Every single one of you stuffed your stomachs full of the homemade meal while conversing about the major life events that just got shared amongst yourselves. Jake and Josh were both leaning back in their chairs, giving their stomachs more room to expand. 

“I think it’s time we head out.” Jake stood from his seat, stretching upwards rather dramatically. Once again you felt his hand brush against your stomach. “Don’t get into too much trouble little one, but if you do Uncle Jakey will always bail you out of it.”

The sound of your front door opening alerted you to the arrival of Jake and Stevie as you prepped veggies in the kitchen. Josh was in the backyard getting the barbeque ready, and you weren’t sure where exactly your daughter was. You had left her on the couch, but she had taken after her father with her tendency to wander. The front door was closed, and you could hear the sound of them making their way to the kitchen when their footsteps came to a sudden stop and a shrill scream echoed through the halls. “UNCLE JAKEY!”

“CECE!” 

You smiled as Stevie walked into the kitchen. “That kid has one hell of a set of lungs.”

You chuckled and turned to face her. “Believe me, I know.”

The two of you stood across from each other chatting for a few minutes, waiting for one of your husbands to walk into the kitchen. Jake had gotten sucked into a conversation with Celeste in the hallway, and he wouldn’t dare cut it any shorter than she would go. Another trait she definitely got from Josh, she was very long winded, impressively so for a small human with such a limited vocabulary. “Why is aunty Stevie acting icky?”

Jake squatted down to be more level with her. “What do you mean, Cece?”

She looked back toward the kitchen before returning her gaze to her uncle. “Aunty Stevie looks like she’s gonna be sick.”

He chuckled as her nose crinkled up and she lightly shook her head. “Oh, she’ll be alright Cece, she’s just not feeling too good today.”

“Why?”

“It’s a secret, but she’ll be alright, I promise.”

He knew he was going to cave when her bottom lip jutted out, and her honey brown eyes widened. “But Uncle Jakey, you said you’d never keep secrets from me.”

He sighed, and pulled her closer.

You watched as Stevie fought to keep a straight face, the muscles in her jaw clenching. You knew the look, and as Jake and Celeste ran through the kitchen and out onto the patio. “Daddy daddy. Uncle Jakey told me I’m going to have a cousin.” She stopped in her tracks and tilted her head to the side a bit. “What’s a cousin?”

You were shocked by the words, whipping your head around to watch as your toddler pulled on Josh’s hand. The sound of Stevie gagging next to you quickly captured your attention, and you shuffled as fast as you could to the pantry to grab her a sleeve of saltines. 

In the midst of the chase Jake was taken to the ground by a small barbie doll dressed up for the ball. He rolled onto his back, looking up with innocent eyes at his twin brother. “Surprise!” He winced weakly, immediately looking over towards Celeste. 

She looked back at him with a straight face, still awaiting an answer to her question. “So- uh… what’s a cousin uncle Jakey?”

Jake looked up to his twin for assistance, and Josh offered a hand to help him off of the floor. Once he was standing, Jake stepped to the side, and Josh kneeled to look your daughter in the eye. “Aunty Stevie is going to have a baby.”

Her eyes lit up, the excitement flowing through her in an instant. “Like how mommy is gonna have a baby?”

Both of the twins chuckled at her enthusiasm, and Josh nodded. “Yes, sweetheart. Just like how mommy is gonna have a baby.”

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[blueepink07]

I've seen the collaboration with Milgram drinks and considering that they are specially personalised for each character I decided to find some symbolism in the drink's contents.

Because my last posts had been with Muu, I decided to begin with her. ~🐝

(mentions of suicide, murder! )

Translation: (It was done with some apps so I'm not very sure how good is this translation, but let's hope for the best!)

~Yuzumitsu syrup~🥤(I think it should've been yuzu and honey?)

~Lemon~🍋

~Whipped cream~🍨(the second one looks a little bit like in the photo)

~Honey~🍯

Now let's start!

~Yuzu fruit~

"Yuzu is a citrus fruit that is native to East Asia, specifically China and Japan. It is a cross between a mandarin orange and a pomelo, and is known for its unique flavor and aroma. The fruit is typically small and round, with a thin, bumpy skin that is bright yellow when ripe."

-> "Yuzu has been an important part of East Asian culture for many centuries. In Japan, the fruit has been associated with the aristocracy and the imperial court, and was often presented as a gift to the emperor."

To sum it up, Yuzu is a symbol of wealth and luxury.

This easily links to Muu as she admits that she comes from a rich family and she is often provided with everything she needs in the interrogation questions, but also in voice dramas. Even her second MV in where she is portraited as the queen bee is a good example of her higher status. Funnily enough, to fit the bee theme she is given honey in shape of larvae, which has another similarity with the description below where the emperors received Yuzu as a gift.

->"In Chinese art, yuzu has been depicted in traditional Chinese paintings, particularly those related to nature. Yuzu is depicted as a symbol of longevity and auspiciousness(promising success) ."

Again, because of Muu's higher status, she was meant to have a very successful life, if her murder never happened. She admits having received many model scouting offers due to her natural beauty and her mother's career. Also, a lot of money means that she can pay for her medical needs so, if not for some accidents or some sort, she would probably have lived a long life.

->"People heralded yuzu as a powerful fruit for more than its medicinal properties and its ability to leave your skin silky smooth after a soak. It was also regarded as auspicious due to its bright, sunny color and strong, fresh fragrance. Many believed soaking in a yuzu bath on the Winter Solstice invited health and fortune for the new year. Some even believed the powerful aroma could ward off bad luck and exorcise evil spirits!"

Okay, here a many things that I want to cover up, so I'll make it short.

Medical properties and smooth silky skin can again link to Muu being very healthy and very beautiful. But what I want to point out is the yuzu bath, which is said to ward off bad luck and exorcise evil spirits. Muu often says in her first VD that Rei was a bad person and was the actual cause of her misfortune. This fruit could be a metaphor of her crime, because Muu by murdering Rei (in her pov)she got rid of the source of her bad luck and suffering.

Even the Winter Solstice itself points this out. By the standard definition winter Solstice is marked as "the symbol of death and rebirth of the Sun". Muu is often portraited in yellow colours, so by thinking of her as the sun we can interpret this way: Muu's old bullied self died as soon as she killed Rei and was rebirthed as a more confident person freed of pain.

If Muu were a fruit, I would say that Yuzu will definitely be a perfect choice, so no wonder Milgram chose this fruit for her drink.

~Lemon~

->"The lemon has come to symbolize many — sometimes opposing — ideas, depending on the cultural reference point. Sometimes it is considered a symbol of longevity, purification, love, and friendship, and other times it is seen to be symbolic of bitterness and disappointment. Catholic tradition linked the fruit to fidelity. Because it was imported at great expense to some countries it became a symbol of wealth."

I will not explain again the longevity, purification and wealth part as it will be just me repeating myself. Instead, I will talk about friendship which is an important theme to Muu's character.

I will begin with Muu's views about it, because I think it will be a better introduction.

"Friends aren't like that you know. Rather than using each other for something, we just get along because we're comfortable around each other. That's all."

Muu thinks that friendship means to be yourself without the fear of being judged. To talk happy about silly topics, to express yourself in a comfortable atmosphere, to get along with people that understand you. At the surface, Muu's idea of friendship it's the standard definition. However, if we dig just a little bit, we easily see that Muu doesn't truly respect her ideals or rather she is using this definition to the extreme. When confronted by Es about Haruka's intention to keep her safe, Muu admits that she already knows about it. She is happy, because Haruka wants to protect her from a possible guilty verdict. After that, she explains that she will not stop him from killing himself if that's what he wishes, because according to her "Isn't friendship about letting your friends do the things they want?". Again, just by definition, it is a correct affirmation. Friendship means to help your peers achieving what they want and supporting them on their journey. But Muu takes this definition to the extreme. Friendship doesn't always imply that you should let the person you care about to do whatever they want. This is just negligence. Sometimes they need a reality check or words to convince them that what they want to do at the moment it's not the best choice and should find another solution or simply to abandon that idea.

Muu then ends her friendship talk with an interesting sentence. "Then what is friendship? You're together because it's beneficial for everyone involved, aren't you?"

By theory, what she says is true. Friendship is needed in humans life, because we can't properly live without other persons to interact with. Even if we talk about a connection that it was made simply because you share a class with and you don't want to be lonely or a relationship that actually lasts for a lifetime, they are important for our development.

In Muu's case both her and Haruka are benefiting from their friendship, not only as a way to pass time and keep sane in a magical prison, but also for their own desires. For example, Muu thinks that the most important thing that a friend should do is to listen to what she has to say, something that Haruka is actively seen doing.

(from the interrogation questions)

What's a friend in your opinion?

"People who listen carefully to what Muu has to say."

So Muu seeks people that listen to her and with whom she's comfortable in a friendship. In the second MV the scene where the "bees" are around her could be a metaphor for her wanting to be listened(after all, what a queen says never gets unnoticed), but also in this specific scene she looks the most comfortable around her friend group.

Okay, but what her friends are benefiting from this relationship? Considering how easily they betrayed her trust means that it was never a very deep connection to begin with. That's because what they gained were objects, expensive things. Muu's love language and appreciation is giving things to others. Being rich means that she can afford many items so for her it's not a big struggle. In after pain the text from her phone suggests that she gave her lipstick to one of her friends.

Also, to who she gave something to as a sign of friendship? To Haruka! The hairpin.

Her friendship at school was most likely superficial, based more on materialism, and was never a deep connection like Muu wanted. Despite that her views of friendship seem like the standard definition, because they were taken to the extreme, she didn't realized until too late that her friends were superficial and didn't care much about her.

And even after all this she still wants to see her friends again, meaning that Muu still cares somewhat about them.

"At the moment is there anyone you want to meet?"

"I want to meet my friends, but in the first place there's daddy and mom I think~"

At the same time though, she is disappointed with how everything turned out to play and how easy her friends started to bully her.

"Do you regret it?"

"Mhm, I should've chosen my friends better."

What did lemons symbolise again? Disappointment, bitterness and fidelity. What Muu feels now about her past friendship and the loyalty that she never had truly gotten, but wants to.

Lemon is a fruit that represents very well Muu's desires and it's sad that such a simple wish (friendship) was too hard to be granted.

~Whipped cream~🍨

I will not talk much about this, since there is not much to say.

Whipped cream is used a lot in desserts, sugary things. Usually, it symbolises a carefree attitude and a joyous mood. This could make a reference to Muu's actual state of mind in Milgram, her being one of the only prisoner who is still fine, both mentally and physically.

~Honey~🍯

"Honey symbolises positive things, such as abundance, wisdom, and even the word of God."

I think it is no wonder that honey is an important part in Muu's character considering the second MV.

Her second MV adds information about Muu's murder and uncovers us the revelation that she was once part of the bullying group. So based on the symbolism, we can say that honey represents truth.

But what does honey represents in her MV? Muu associates it with devotion in the lyrics, which makes sense considering the visuals. The first bee scene that we have is Muu being surrounded by other classmates. Almost all of them have a plate with honey waiting for her to delight with the food. Just one of the bees has an empty plate that doesn't get unnoticed by Muu, who with just a slight push, breaks her into pieces.

And not just the visuals and the lyrics are showing that honey means devotion and loyalty.

"She will stop from time to time in the hive, to be groomed and fed by the worker bees called her 'attendants.' They form a circle around her, and will also spread her pheromone through the hive. This queen pheromone tells the bees that she is alive and well."

The scenes from the MV are mimicking the bees in real life. Her friends, the worker bees, by giving her honey, are showing how much they value their friendship. So it's only naturally that the girl who doesn't give her honey (in Muu's point of view) it's like she's wishing for her downfall.

Another thing... (feel free to ignore, because it's just me being annoyed at the bullies) Honey symbolises sweetness in life. I can't shake the feeling that by giving Muu this sweet honey, they are flattering her so they can receive more expensive things. Even the text on the phone seems like the friends are complimenting her too much?

Anyway, back to the analysis!

Also I want to point out the shape of the honey, which are bee larvae. Normally, the queen bee is the one that makes them to assure that the colony is prosperous. Instead, Muu eats them, indicating how her friends circle is slowly diminishing and, in the world of bees, the colony is slowly wiped out.

It doesn't help that Muu's actively destroying the colony by breaking the worker bees into pieces. If Muu and her friend group believe that the respective classmate is treating them badly or "betraying from jealousy", they are cutting ties with that person removing them from the friend circle and target them as the new victim of bullying. A good example is the short haired girl from the thumbnail, which resembles a lot the first bee with the empty plate.

Basically, Muu believes that if a classmate is treating her badly she is being bullied by them, so her deciding to bully them back is a sign of revenge. Her voice drama also implies this assumption.

"You see, if you think that me bullying someone back after being bullied is the natural course of events, then wouldn't it be bad to bully me back again in return?"

To sum it up:

classmate (doesn't value the friendship/does something that Muu and the friend group dislikes) is a bully in their Pov -> they bully back as an act of revenge

Rei is interfering(wants to stop the bullying)-> Muu is the new victim of bullying and is betrayed by her closest friends

Muu thinks the only way to escape is by killing herself -> ends up killing Rei (revenge)

Muu implies that by giving her a guilty verdict we basically are telling her that it was wrong for her to seek revenge. However, it also means that Rei was wrong to instigate the bullying, again, as an act of revenge.

"But if you were like, "I won't forgive you, Muu! Revenge is bad!," then wouldn't that imply that it's also bad for me to bully someone back after they bullied me? Since we've all done something bad anyway, doesn't that mean that I've not done anything wrong in the end?"

And she ends her argument with the fact that she and her victim are even, meaning that she didn't do anything wrong.

Now that we have the bullying part cleared up, let's end this with the last scene from the MV were honey appears.

Throughout the MV, we see that the queen cell above Muu is glowing when she is eating honey. That is the place were all the honey is deposited and is spilled out when the fully developed Muu with wings escapes.

In the first MV the hourglass was used to represent how much Muu could endure the pain until she would've suffocated(literally). That queen cell could symbolise the same thing. When Muu escapes, the honey that was once a sign of friendship and loyalty was now suffocating her due to the fakeness and the betrayal of her friends. She is no longer looking at the spilled honey, and is happy that she can finally break free since there is nothing left in the broken hourglass(not even her three closest friends).

Honey is a good representation of trust and devotion. It showed the truth of the situation, how too much sweetness in one's life could cause someone to "suffocate" in the lies hidden in it (in this case, the false friendship that Muu believed she had).

Thank you for reading! ~🐝

Credits

[iseesound]

𝐈 𝐒𝐄𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃! 𝐑𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐨, “҉T҉r҉a҉n҉s҉c҉e҉n҉d҉“҉

Aired 01.26.23

Featuring music from Lauren Auder, Alice Coltrane, FKA Twigs, and more. Listen on Spotify and Apple Music.

I first made this set as a test run for the Listening Party events I wanted to do at UIC’s School of Design. With the intention to play it right after students got out of class, I chose to begin with “in god’s childlike hands” by Lauren Auder. Which I first heard play in Virgil Abloh’s last show for LV. This song builds up perfectly, the instruments slowly building up, mimicking an almost alien like forest coming into view, (reminds me of Bjork’s Utopia), I found it fitting that the ‘siren’ that starts around the 2:30 mark almost resembles a police siren, seeing how UIC is in the city.

The next three songs, are a part of what I like to call a ‘run’, where I let the songs play without introduction. “Hyperballad” by Bjork, “Cicada,” by Sega Bodega, and “How Does It Feel,” by Pharrel Williams. These three songs have very similar beats, where it almost sounds as if its reverbing in on itself. (In my head I picture it as the sound bounces off the walls of a narrow hallway.) They transition into each other pretty well despite the difference in genre and overall sounds.

Originally White Willow Bark” by MF DOOM was meant to be an interlude to allow me to explain the set’s overall theme, I did in fact forget when it came to the actual show. However, this interlude does serve to help cut into a different sound. While choosing the music for the set, I kept in mind, what “transcend” meant to me in terms of music. It could mean synths, psychadelia, techno, jazz, hypnotic or grandiose. Listening to “Windowlicker”, specifically A.G Cook’s cover I was immediately impressed at the level of complexity its made with. (Hypnotic techno, smells like sangria). I knew I had to incorporate it somehow. From 4:50, the song is so chaotic its amazing how it doesn’t get muddy, A.G Cook is. a. genius.

The next run in this set is quiet long, “home with you,” by FKA Twigs, “Love’s the Only Way,” by Cage The Elephant, and “Journey into Satchidanada,” by Alice Coltrane and Pharoah Sanders. The perfect example of the beauty that is the Spotify Crossfade. There is no way I would have ever come across this if it hadn’t been for my friend’s suggestion of Cage The Elephant, it was almost by mere coincidence that the two were together in the early draft of the set. “home with you” has these beautiful flutes playing at the end that call back to “in god’s child like hands”. The way it ends, and transitions to “Love’s the Only Way” almost makes it sound as if it were the same song for a moment. If it hadn’t been for the collaboration between Online Ceramics and Alice Coltrane I would have never been introduced to the world of psychedelic jazz that she had created. Her music is incredibly immersive and has a world-building quality to it.

The final run, is made up of “Lucy in The Sky With Diamonds,” by The Beatles, “For Sale?,” by Kendrick Lamar, and “Frosti,” by Bjork (again, yes). Transitioning from Alice Coltrane into The Beatles seemed incredibly fitting, both songs are gorgeous examples of immersive psychadelia, (and both have long titles, jeez). I remember sitting in my 7th grade health class and hearing “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” for the first time, reading the lyrics, and having a discussion on LSD right after and its effects. I don’t remember much of the discussion, I do however remember going home and listening to the song over and over again. “For Sale,” being placed right after “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” the groovy synths and the reverb in the song, along with the references of Lucy over and over, it sounds as if Kendrick is talking about the same Lucy The Beatles sing about. The chime that plays at the end perfectly transitions into the music box that plays in “Frosti,” which comes from Bjork’s album “Vespertine,” which serves as an interlude. Two interludes placed right after the other, who would have thought they would work so well.

The final two songs, I feel, serve as a conclusion, restating the sonic themes from the set. “Bliss,” by Yung Lean and FKA Twigs, (yep, again) and “Falaise,” by Floating Points. With the repeating guitar, the chime, layered with Twigs’s ethereal vocals, along with the lyrics “and I’m seeing sounds.” “Bliss” was the perfect song to close the show. However, there was still time left for me to play one more song. I discovered “Falaise,” on a random spotify playlist one day. It became one of my favorite songs. (It wasn’t until later I would learn the Virgil also used this song in his FW 22 show in Bangkok.) With its hypnotic rhythms, filled with flutes resembling Auder’s “in god’s childlike hands,” the song ends the set with a grandiose transcendental finale.