#it's a world full of struggles this one
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I'm crying so hard at this video but most of all at the comments. Needed to share it.
youtube
#bless all the angels who help people in need even when they're not swimming in a pool full of money themselves you know?#i pray everyday for that whenever there's a person needing help in any way i'll be aware enough to notice and do something if i can#sometimes we're so inside our own little worlds we just don't see it how the most humble help can be a life saver to somebody else#not only financial help but also a shoulder to cry on or a hug or supportive words... even a compliment can make someone's day you know...#I feel really really grateful to god when i can help people in any way#and i've felt the help coming back my way when i needed... many times#gratitude is a positive vicious circle i think#it's about to feel it and to provide those feelings to others too <3#but the thing is... i feel sad knowing there are moms out there literally needing to steal baby formula and food#it's a world full of struggles this one#but there's still hope#i still have faith in humanity#may the people in need always find the people willingly to be the helping hand they pray for#Youtube
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“He knows Timmy will come around eventually. It's only a matter of waiting for his clock to run out. And HP is very patient.” Hey uh.. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN HIS CLOCK TO RUN OUT is he waiting for Timmy to become a full fairy (Pixie?) and when that happens Timmy forgets about being a human entirely?
Sometimes Timmy wonders why he has grudges against certain fairies. Some of them, he can understand- like his dislike of Dr. Rip Studwell. But other ones, like with Cupid, it's a bit of a blur.
He must've been a very very vindictive 10 year old! Ah, well! Timmy's learned that he has to pick and choose his own battles wisely.
And uh. Fighting with the man who decides his paycheck and vacation days is not a battle worth choosing. Talk about a hostile work environment!!
Bitties Series: [Start] > [Previous] > [Next]
#fairly oddparents#fop#fop a new wish#fop timmy turner#fop timmy#timmy turner#fop sanderson#sanderson#asks#itty bitties fop au#ough i had a massive fight with timmy's finger in the 3rd panel#it is 430 in the morning and i pushed thru to get this one out so that the story didnt end on a sadder note#so i will wake up tomorrow and figure out whatever errors and mistakes ive made in the morning#sanderson asks timmy bcs as far as sanderson is concerned#timmy really.. shouldnt?? have any grudges against them#yeah yeah they tried taking over fairy world yeah yeah tried taking timmy's fairies#but that was just business babeyyy#and timmy involved HIMSELF into their schemes!!! which is. yknow. not their problem.#(he involved himself with very very good reason of course. they literally tried taking over earth and fairyworld)#but they're pixies and they dont understand the righteous fury of a 10 year old boy full of human compassion#funnily enough. as more time passes even timmy's struggling to understand the righteous fury of a 10 year old full of human compassion#hazel wells is VERY confusing for timmy turner#he doesnt really get it#nearly as much as sanderson doesnt really get timmy's grudges against HP!
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got him off-balance!
#my art#ds9#star trek deep space nine#julian bashir#elim garak#garashir#watercolor#image desc in alt text#i normally post on mondays but. today im breaking my pattern! getting a little silly. getting a little wild. garashir jumpscare#“tumblr user chitinleg garak would neot easily let himself be swooped off his feet into a hug like that” yes i know BUT!#look at his expression. look at how his arms r pinned. he didnt let this happen LMAO julian just surprised him. grabby huggy human behavior#if you look really closely you can see the tiniest frown in the world on Garak's face. because he's like “EEP !”#cant see bashirs face at all in this only his body but i think we can all imagine that whatevers going thru his head. he needs this hug bad#ALSO. for anyone wondering what the fucked up shadow is that starts at the juncture of the teal sleeve-cap where its set into the armhole#the jumpsuits have a bit of a fold of extra fabric (called an Action Pleat) there which allows for a little more maneuverability of the bod#AND creates a really sleek and flat back panel#because you can see the fabric twists along the side arent grabbing the flat back fabric theyre grabbing the fabric folded beneath it#often times i think about drawing out a dissection of kiras first uniform and this voy era one for other artists to use. bc god knows#i struggled at first to find full body references#they like to shoot ds9 very close to peoples heads. and the camera is so blurry. they smeared butter on that thing. god bless
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IAN GALLAGHER + his journey with bipolar disorder
╰┈➤ “At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of." - Carrie Fisher
#happy world bipolar day to all my bp babies#(more thoughts at the end of the tags)#shameless#shamelessnet#shamelessedit#ian gallagher#cameron monaghan#*macygifs#bipolar disorder#hello pals how are we doin#i made this gif set in july of 2023 and never posted it because 1) i was terrified to share it and potentially see Bad Takes in the tags#and 2) because my hyperfixation was waning. and while both of those things are still mostly true (the fixation comes and goes)#i feel like it's really important to share as ian's bipolar storyline was not only so vital to his character it was a bit of representation#that isn't often given to the disorder and those (like myself) who live with it every single day#world bipolar day is a day where we can both celebrate ourselves and our resilience and also raise awareness of the reality of the disorder#which is both terrifying and beautiful at its core. this disease is not a death sentence or a sentence to an unfulfilled and miserable life#while there are challenges galore when it comes to balancing life with this disorder it IS possible to live a full and productive life#and i think it's really important to have representation of that in media - and while shameless dropped the ball on a LOT of storylines#over the years THIS is the one they really fucking nailed and i am incredibly grateful#i first started watching shameless while in the midst of a major depressive episode and i was later (finally) diagnosed during an extended#hypo/manic episode - this show and ian's storyline got me through so much and made me feel so seen and validated in my struggles#world bipolar day is also vincent van gogh's birthday (happy birthday buddy) who was posthumously diagnosed with bipolar disorder#and who experienced both depressive and hypo/manic episodes during his lifetime (and was regularly institutionalized)#it takes a lot of help and support to keep us going. it takes the support of our family and friends and *most* of all#it takes patience and kindness and understanding - which is so so so easy to give if you are willing to love and listen#so please. be willing. listen to our stories. be patient with us. show us love without conditions. support us in any way you can.#we are worth it#i promise#anyway. that's really all i wanted to say. happy world bipolar day to those who celebrate (me) and may all of us living with this disorder#go on to live happy fulfilling beautiful magical lives
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Kinda obsessed with the historical context of Rise of the Guardians. Pitch wanting the Dark Ages to come back, which historically was the decline of culture and records. The Guardians rose at the same time as the Renaissance with the rise of culture, knowledge, and science. (Tooth in particular mentions that she hasn’t been out in the field for 440 years, give or take, which would put that smack dab in the middle of the Renaissance)
The way Pitch doesn’t want the world to change, the way the Guardians change in tune with the world. The way Jack, who lived in has a human in the 17th or 18th century, who lived in the time after the Renaissance and lived witnessing the world all the way to the modern era, is there to show the Guardians how much they missed and how they can further change and improve for the more modern world. These characters are immortal beings who have so much power over the world, it makes so much sense that when they fall and rise in power it impacts the world that they want to influence, for better or for worse.
#In the official comic where pitch is chosen as a guardian but refuses#he says that the guardians would rather put their destiny in the hands of children#instead of being the ones who influence their fates#he views it as ‘stepping back’ rather than protecting and guiding#it gives such good insight to how he views the world and his place in it#especially how he functions in history as ‘the dark ages’#And in Joanne Matte’s unofficial comics there’s an implication that the magical world has disappeared/died out because of colonization#I’m partial to that particular idea because this whole theme is very Eurocentric and the books are worse with it#it’s a contrast to the idea of the renaissance#and the ‘rebirth’ of culture#and the Guardians aren’t ‘in the field’ at that point and get caught up with their work so much#that they lost the point of why they do the work they do#to the point that Pitch can tip the scales and effect them so much#even though he cannot fight them at their full power#I really do like how they connected these characters and themes with history#it makes so much sense for immortal characters#even power struggles and scrimmages can change the world#rise of the guardians#rotg#jack frost#pitch black#sanderson mansnoozie#e. aster bunnymund#toothiana#nicholas st. north
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People don’t talk about MC needing to wear a magical ring to not accidentally yk cause NATURAL DISASTERS with their powers??? Not only accidentally but without realising???
Diavolo or smthn is asking too much of MC or being a bit too annoying and their other hand slowly drifts towards the ring and they hold onto it while maintaining dead eye contact. Like continue to piss me off hoe I’ll blink and blow a hole in your castle idk
Obv they never do it (or do they?) but the threat is there and it’s a risk dia (or whoever but I’m using dia) can’t take
#‘MC it’s your turn to take the trash out!’#*slowly reaches for the ring*#‘on second thought-‘#type beat#no cause why have I not seen ANYONE talk about how MCs magic is so strong they were GETTING RID OF PONDS in the celestial realm#and CREATING SINK HOLES in the devildom#I’ve also heard they were causing Natural disasters in the human world but I don’t remember if that was canon or not#imagine an MC that has sensory issues that means they struggle to wear rings to sleep#or just the DENT MC would get on their fingers from it😭#uf it was lucifers ring then it might not even fit on most fingers if your MC is small. like#new toe ring just dropped ig? gotta go on the thumb dude#obey me#obey me solmare#obey me!#obey me shall we date#btw if ur seeing this#are you guys getting tired of these low effort posts that just revise the canon in joke form#because I’m just being lazy and I can try putting in more effort and writing more full five if u want💔#I have a fic and some ideas in my drafts but i can never seem to put my motivation towards writing#always art#which I don’t even post 99%#and when I do it’s basically never on this acc it’s my art/oc one#so this acc gets neglected#these tags are too long peace out chat
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// oc deep dive.
tagged by; @aztarion and @devilbrakers, thank you so much!!
tagging; @mojaves, @deadrlngers, @ordinarymaine, @claudiawolf, @adelaidedrubman and YOU!
What common/uncommon fear do they have?
Nathan has a lot of fears stemming from his paranoia. Tangible ones such as getting captured or killed by MOBIUS, his friends walking away from him, or someone following him home; as well as more unrealistic ones, such as somehow ending up back in STEM, or getting stuck in a time loop, or a giant sinkhole all the way to the core of the earth opening up right at his feet.
It also happens often enough that certain actions don’t necessarily scare him, but make him uncomfortable or highly on edge (often with good reason); think of someone locking the door of the room he’s in– especially when it’s just them two– or getting too close without warning. He often fears people he gets too close to will end up treating him like the Administrator did, which is why it takes a while for him to let Sebastian get any closer physically, despite warming up to him relatively fast.
A more uncommon fear he has is waking up one morning and having lost one of his senses or his ability to speak. Aside from the mental erosion that had become a growing issue among Union citizens, MOBIUS observed a similar kind of process in its agents who regularly jumped in and out of STEM for general maintenance and the like– presumably caused by the constant changes in brain activity, which more than often led to exactly what Nathan’s fear mentioned above describes. While he was among the agents who worked both in and outside of STEM on the Union environment, he was lucky enough to never suffer the consequences.
Lastly, he is deadly afraid of Anima. Despite not having shown any other symptom of succumbing to the STEM domination process, Nathan would have started seeing her around sometime before Lily vanished– presumably got her attention after some of his escapades in the secret labs in the Marrow– and he has not been able to sleep soundly in STEM ever since. While his fear of her mostly acts up when he’s in a STEM environment, it definitely translates over to the real world as well; during bad mental health episodes he has auditory hallucinations of her, and she makes regular appearances in his nightmares too.
Do they have any pet peeves?
When people are too passive. Nathan can’t stand it when he’s expected to initiate everything, from conversations to taking action, both in a work context (scheduling meetings, deploying new code) as well as personal context (scheduling to hang out, doing household chores). He also doesn’t like having to constantly ask people to do what they’re supposed to do– though this irritation more than often extends a little too far, to things he is expecting of people but never told them about.
Loud and unexpected noises, especially when done on purpose. Fireworks would be a great example of this, and they piss Nathan off no end. He gets snippy when people raise their voice at him for no reason, or when they keep banging their fist on a surface to get others’ attention.
Getting cut off in traffic. Nathan’s road rage is easily awakened and he can get a little drastic with it. His reflexes are fast enough to brake on time to avoid ending up in someone’s trunk, but will in that same breath speed right back up to crash into them on purpose as revenge for pissing him off.
What are three items you can find in their bedroom?
A large ring binder full of old code snippets, notes from various projects he worked on back at MOBIUS, and all his research ranging from neuroscience all the way to electrical engineering. Nathan is a little old-school in that regard– he’d much rather have all his research physically with him than save it all to some online storage platform and risk losing it like that.
A jigsaw puzzle, made entirely out of different pieces that he’s collected over the years (stolen from others’ puzzles, found in various locations, stolen directly from the store, etc). The full piece would total up to nearly 2000 pieces, though it is still missing a large chunk in the center; the result is an abstract piece containing mostly darker colors, though with various bursts of color scattered around like flowers in a field. Nathan isn’t the artistic type, but the project keeps him busy and he considers it a type of self-expression.
The knife he killed his parents with when he was sixteen years old. He’s not entirely sure why he kept it all those years– perhaps to remind himself what got him to where he is now, or because it’s the only thing he still has from that time of his life. Either way, it’s kept safe in the top drawer of his nightstand, easy enough to reach in case someone breaks into his apartment.
What do they notice first in a person?
First: State of mind, overall mood. How approachable do they look; can he afford to lower his guard or does he need to tread with caution, can he get close without worrying about a knife to the stomach or should he keep his distance? Nathan rarely shows immediate interest in someone’s overall personality, he would rather want to know which of their emotions he’s gonna have to deal with during their interaction(s).
Second: Body language. Ties in with the first thing mentioned– cautiously watching for threats, waiting to see if they make a move to touch (or harm) him so he can step out of their range. But it also extends a little further; Nathan tends to mimic others’ body language in conversation to make himself appear more approachable. If someone gestures a lot, he will do the same.
Third: Their smile, if relevant. Smiling is an eye-catching action to him, since he’s not one to quickly do so himself. It’s attractive to him; if someone smiles at him, you’ll be able to catch him staring.
Fourth: Scars, and other (skin) details. Nathan isn’t one to ask about them, of course– but they’ll catch his attention anyway, for a brief moment, since some of them already tell a story on their own even without words.
Fifth: Nervous tics, if relevant. By this point he’s been in conversation long enough to pick up on the little details– a slight thrill or shakiness to their voice, a thumb running over the side of their index finger, a nose twitch. In some cases it eases his mind, knowing the other person isn’t confident in their conversation either; in other cases it sets off alarms in his mind, and makes him wonder if there’s more going on than what they’re showing or telling him.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how high is their pain tolerance?
Physically: 7. While he doesn’t quite look like it, Nathan can take a hit or two. Most of his injuries happen in STEM– though with the way the technology works, the pain is very much real, and in some cases the scars are lasting even in the real world despite the damage having been sustained in STEM. To an extent, Nathan even enjoys the pain; it’s grounding for him, and keeps him from dissociating. When it gets too much to handle he simply drinks it away.
Mentally: 10. Nathan’s life has been a constant downward spiral; sent to a youth detention center after being wrongfully accused of killing his younger sister, and he was bullied relentlessly there, which continued until long after his release both at school and at home. At MOBIUS, he was required to work shifts in their HQ as well as in the Marrow, in the Union STEM environment– he was required to be mentally strong, or he would have already started suffering from mental erosion by long-term STEM exposure after his first few trips in. It takes a lot to break him (or so he likes to believe).
Emotionally: 4. Once you get past all the barriers, Nathan is pretty sensitive. He doesn’t deal well with rejection or misunderstanding, and is prone to assuming things are all his fault the second something goes wrong. It’s easy to upset him, though he won’t easily show; but the damage often takes a while to repair.
Do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure? (Or freeze or fawn?)
Fight, more than often; though it may appear as flight at first, since Nathan’s favored combat approach is stealth and he will always find cover before doing anything rash. In certain cases, however, he would be more likely to freeze; especially anything related to Anima or an enemy type like her, where fighting is out of the question, and he knows that a single wrong move can mean his demise.
It translates to non-combat situations too– often willing to talk to people but his initial response is to get defensive and close himself off, and if not given a moment to regain himself it can lead to either fighting or freezing; biting back with similar ferocity or shutting down altogether, unable to pick up his rational train of thought in the heat of the moment.
It really depends on the type of confrontation, though; taking his own state of mind and who else is involved into consideration. He’s known to fawn when a situation starts feeling a little too familiar– generally surrounding the abuse he suffered from partially his parents, but mostly the Administrator.
What animal represents them best?
Wolf; bordering on dog motif, but cautiously so, requiring infinite patience and understanding to win his trust. Nathan is loyal and guarding to those he cares about, but he values his freedom– his choices and decisions are his and his alone, and anyone who tries to take that away from him will suffer the necessary consequences.
How would a stranger likely describe them?
Curious, above anything else. Distant, reserved; surprisingly well-spoken, almost technical in his interactions with others as if the whole conversation is pre-programmed in his mind. Nathan isn’t necessarily cold towards others, but people would also not be quick to describe him as kind; though there is a certain warmth to the way he speaks and looks at people, despite the fact he very rarely smiles and isn’t one to quickly compliment someone else.
Appearance-wise, people tend to notice the white strands in his black hair first. They’re clustered at the front of his head, and match with the white hairs in his left eyebrow and the white eyelashes in the outer corner of his left eye. Nathan has very pale and rough skin, patchy but dark facial hair covering up most of his acne (/scarring); and part of the skin around his left eyebrow is lacking pigment, though it’s a little hard to see. He has very pale and bright blue eyes, which can be a little unnerving when staring at them for too long. Many people cannot maintain eye contact with him for very long.
Do they have any hobbies?
Nathan’s career is directly intertwined with his hobbies, and he enjoys working on code even long after cutting ties with MOBIUS. Software development, application optimization– his laptop runs on an operating system that he coded entirely himself, and whenever he has some time to spare he can be found tweaking and optimizing it and adding new features.
To no one’s surprise, he’s a gamer. Shooters, roguelikes, survival horror– he does not play all too often as his schedule often doesn’t allow for it, but he generally doesn’t have a hard time playing on higher difficulties and enjoys the challenge. Nathan has tried his hand at game design and development too, but stopped quickly when he found it too similar to developing the Union environment in STEM.
And last, surprisingly, would be writing. Journaling, some sort of attempt at poetry, or articles he would want to send in to some website or appropriate magazine but never does– a lot of Nathan’s writing is for his eyes alone, but it helps as an outlet, it keeps him grounded. For a while after leaving MOBIUS, he worked on writing tech manuals for various employers to earn some extra cash, which also ties directly into his interests.
#tag games#ask:nathan#using his full name in the banner to fill up all the empty space but it feels so funny like no one calls him that. no one calls him that#idk who's already done this i'm very out of the loop but hi =] until tumblr fixes itself my brain will only let me tag 5 people#in stuff like this so if you see this and i haven't tagged you. you are tagged now. i am tagging you in my mind palace#anyway hi =] i love nathan he is a little bit of a freak a little bit of a weirdo but that's part of his charm#possibly autistic but he's got a job so he doesn't really care about that right now#to me nathan is the same sort of oc flavor as vitali is but it's hard to explain. they both carry this energy around that makes them#fit very well in one specific environment if that makes sense?? vitali being a corpo boy nathan being lead STEM developer#and to then see them outside of that environment kind of makes them feel out of place in a very similar way as#how they themselves feel a little alienated from the rest of the world#taught to do what they do and when expected to function outside of that reality and mingle with the crowds#they don't really know what to do with themselves etc etc. does that make sense. i hope it does#either way. for nathan it really shows in how he struggles connecting with his friends and why he ends up#latching on to ruben so much once he allows him to move in with him. there's SO many parallels between them#and ruben is also a guy who grew up dedicating his life to one thing only and now he doesn't know what else there is for him#that's why they work so well together... both struggling to find purpose and connection. you know what i mean#ok i've said enough now but just know i could easily write an essay or two about this guy
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TW // Food , EDs
Something about Usopp getting sent to an island where delicious food is used as bait and he has to actively fight to eat (thus probably ending up just straight-up not eating some days and relating food to negative experiences) and Sanji constantly using food to serve and make others enjoy but barely eating himself because it isn't as rewarding and he doesn't really care about his well-being because he is used to starving (both physically and emotionally).
Like-- Usopp not really refusing to eat but kind of having a defense mechanism/odd quirks around it (eating too fast, keeping food for later, feeling safer if he straight up doesn't eat, or directly not being hungry at all) and Sanji actively just forgetting to feed himself and when he tries to do so he isn't... Full? At all? or satisfied? It just leaves him emptier. He likes giving food to others, that's what completes him. Eating just because just feels wrong for him.
So you have this guy with strong defense mechanisms against food who treats it as a necessity to live instead of enjoyment and another who treats food as an enjoyment but ONLY for other people and never himself.
And I like to think Usopp, after spending so much time getting used to storing food just in case he can't go hunting for more, still does the same when he's back with the crew. But he doesn't even know why he does it exactly. He is eating. He doesn't need to do this. But then he realizes he always thinks about Sanji whenever he keeps food. Usopp notices Sanji barely eats if the food is something he gives to himself, but gladly enjoys it when it's somebody else's doing. So Usopp just waits until everybody is out of the kitchen to approach Sanji and go "Hey, um, would you like to share the leftovers with me?" and something like that. And Sanji does end up eating more than usual which is, you know, an average meal.
On the other hand, Sanji stays with Usopp while he eats and speaks to him. Makes him feel safe so he doesn't have to make everything quick and running. Make him see that he is alright and he can take his time to enjoy the food without any worries. At the end of the day, they end up eating together after the whole crew has gone away, but that's more than fine with them.
#they mean the world to me okay#as somebody who struggles with food these two characters are my beloveds i would do anything to see them happy and full and eating#usopp getting sent to an island full of food that probably will end up killing you is something that can be so sanuso coded and also#so fucked up. my boy :( we don't talk enough about this#i mean. we do talk a lot about this i've seen people doing it but we need to talk MORE#one day i'll talk about how sanji goes to an island where he finds himself running away from himself and he's afraid and anxious 24/7#it's like they swapped places and i find that perfect#anyway the food thing-- i think they get better with time being together#after wci it gets... worse. but it's alright they work on it together#one piece#black leg sanji#usopp#sanuso#tw food#tw eating issues
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The funny thing is that I do kind of agree that if alien civilizations do exist and have to manage resources like us, they would also have class conflicts and a version of dialectics and communism. Though this is wholly speculative of course.
Hmm. Maybe I SHOULD read Posadas.
#cosas mias#Star Maker by Olaf Stapledon does say something like this... lots of different alien civilizations but the earth-like ones at least#have class struggle and only reach interestellar stages after achieving a world state which is basically communism#then again that book is full of telepathy and such
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it’s like. i love being trans. and also if there was a loving god he wouldn’t do this to me
#usually my mental illness is emotional Nothingness. when i take wellbutrin i can feel again!#and when the wellbutrin loses efficacy i keep the feeling but lose the good ones so i just unlock Regular Depression. which fucking Sucks#and a couple weeks ago i ran out of t gel and it is a controlled substance so they wouldn’t give me my refill until the full 60 days were up#which meant i had to be off t for like a week. and i was so so hopeful that it wouldn’t do anything to me.#but it restarted my cycle so i’m bleeding rn. and it is so fucking awful#it Hurts and it feels Humiliating and Wrong#cramps and stomach issues And dysphoria and bleeding. nothing more evil to do to me right now#and it’s worse cause i was done with that. i literally GOT RID OF IT. I PUT THE WORK IN. I WAS FREE.#but i couldn’t have my medicine and now i no longer control my own body. horrifying. so horrifying#wore a kind of ill fitting binder today too and it kickstarted Other dysphoria on the drive home so. messed up rn.#i just want to be able to live my life man. i want to have a body that looks and functions like me#and can feel things and do things#and doesn’t subject me to hurt in multiple multiple ways. that would be really cool.#genuinely it does not fucking matter if god loves me. cause if this is what i go through when he loves me#then i don’t want his fucking love.#i hope god kills himself actually#i want to wake up and just be able to put a shirt on and leave the house. can you imagine a fucking world#gonna try nd sleep for like five minutes and then go to dinner with my mom. i can be okay. i can be stronger than my struggles#i just need to be really fucking angry with god.#great time to be reading paradise lost#valentine notes
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i hate how entitled I end up feeling bc this is my sentiment but . Really really resenting that my parents aren’t going to help me with school or rent or anything while they super can
#230k income and they say they can’t afford to help. bull fucking shit#I work full time and make 30k a year and my mom said#and I quote#‘that’s it?’#YES THATS FUCKING IT HOLY SHIT?#I had to beg her to help with medical expenses for the cat she LEFT US WITH#and she says her and my dad can barely afford their house but she has never had access to their financials#so how would she know all of a sudden#I don’t know I’m struggling and I’m making a budget spreadsheet and I don’t have time for hobbies trying to do both work and school#and it makes me so angry because all my friends get help from their parents and mine just. I don’t know#I feel abandoned and hurt because it was like my mom and us against the world but she chose my dad in the end and that meant shutting us out#like whatever it is what it is. but it’s also not and I have so much hurt and anger pent up because I feel fed to the fucking wolves#btw out of their 3 kids I’m the only one they would have to pay ANY tuition for#and I’m going to a state school in the state which I was born and currently live. it would not be financially devastating.#(for them.)#fafsa is going to give me nothing unless I get married to my boyfriend so I can be an independent#bc fafsa is so fucking awful and is like mmmmm your parents will pay :) but they WONT THATS THE FUCKING POINT
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2024 reads / storygraph
This World Is Not Yours
scifi novella
a newly married couple and their childhood friend join a colonisation project on a new planet
as the settlement’s population doesn’t growing fast enough, they’re required to split up and pair with men, to reproduce so the settlement reaches its population goals
but as they try to get used to the new life, jealousy and old betrayals grow
while the biological defense system of the planet that destroys invasive organisms, starts to change and become a threat..
sapphic & ace man MCs
#This World Is Not Yours#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#this is okay!#it’s definitely mostly interpersonal issues. i personally was more interested in the scifi situation and wanted more of that#I struggled a bit with the timeline of things happening#I thought the character dynamics were interesting in theory#I just think I would have cared more with a full books’ worth of development rather than just the brief novella?#ace character is one of those ambiguous probably-aroace-but-never-clarifies and it's just vaguely referenced a couple times#whatever was going on with his narrative was the most interesting part tho. just wish it were more fleshed out
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So, I, Um.... Yeah.
Perchance To Dream
Chapter One: First, The Storm
"There, there, you're all right now," I gently lied, as I lay him down to rest. And then, I told the truth, with all my heart. "And it will be all right. The room is dry, Sherlock. The waters are far, far from you, and they will not enter as long as I am here. Now rest. I will only be a moment." "Promise, John?" he asked, voice still high, faint, brittle. It was my name he'd said, I insisted to myself, most firmly. Mine.
(A fanfiction for Sherlock Holmes: The Awakened; Frogwares videogame series)
#Sherlock Holmes The Awakened#Sherlock Holmes Chapter One#Frogwares Sherlock Holmes#Frogwares Jon#Sherry and Jon#i did this ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY i simply have so mANY TANGLED feelings about Jon in general#and how watson would inevitably FEEL ABOUT HIM.#this GUY from sherlock's past who HAS HIS NAME and sherlock CRIES OUT TO#...no he doesn't know the Truth About Jon yet but he uh. will.#it'll be okay i promise but OH GOD i am ALL OVER the SERIOUSLY MESSY PTSD and Unhealthy but Ultimately Loving Struggles#they're both trying SO HARD.#all three of them are TRYING SO HARD.#and yeah we're going fULL SHAKESPEARE LEVEL DRAMA. nothing else seemed remotely DRAMA ENOUGH.#and that quote isnt flowery it's METAL when you know what it's about#'what dreams may come' = EVEN IN DEATH WILL YOU BE FREE OF NIGHTMARES?#and that's sherlock's world rn! lolol
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Contemplating the concept of "potential" when it comes to intelligence and realizing how heartbreaking Logan's "Dreams come true, that's news to me" line in the Crofters Musical.
#screaming into the void#definitely not okay today lads#i'm finding myself grieving my intelligence and contemplating if it was ever there to begin with#when i was younger i excelled in science so everyone assumed that i was a gifted kid despite my very obvious struggles in math and spelling#i was told over and over if i could just apply myself to other subjects the way i did with science#then i would do better in those subjects and reach my full potential#my identity was hung on my intelligence for me by the adults in my life none of them even considering a learning disability#now as an adult it all feels meaningless#especially having been forced into going to college where it was made very quickly and abundantly clear that I wasn't actually gifted#i was just average#that was absolutely devastating to me and it's a thing i struggle with and i want to be angry about it but i dont know how to be#i was told over and over in childhood that i could be anything when i grew up that i could do anything if i just put my mind to it#then recieved little to no actual educational support for any of it especially when i discovered writing#and i dont know if i was never as smart as i was told i was or never even had the potential i was told i had#or if i just didnt have enough support#i dont believe in myself anymore and i dont think i was ever actually believed in by the adults in my life either#i think they would have supported me better if they had#or maybe they just didnt know how to#my dad has wondered and questioned me about where my drive ans passion went and i dont have the heart to tell him that#it evaporated when he told me i wouldn't be successful as a writer when he told me that i would only be successful by going to college#when he constantly questioned everything i did and made me doubt myself over and over again#i dont know how to combat this feeling of worthlessness that comes from feeling lied to about my intelligence as a kid#i dont know how to comfort myself in the face of realizing i probably didnt have all then potential i was promised i had#and even if i did at one point have it i lacked the support necessary to nuture and grow it#how does one grieve being promised the world only to find out that was never truly an option?#how does one become comfortable with learning and growing again when it's been made to feel unsafe#and a threat to their frail sense of identity?#how does one find peace and contentment in an ordinary life when they were promised so much more?#not just promised so much more but expected to be so much more and now feel the weight of expectation on them?#i feel like i was promised the world and told that it would be easy to conquer and when it wasnt it was due to my own fault and failings
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No but like. Men could be the lowest of the low, not be knowing the most basic shit, inept at wit or anything else pertaining to the brain or mind or conscious, and yet the audacity be there. Like. How.
#legit listening to my brother tall of how many qualities he has which mainly just includes having a nice face and using his voice#like this is the dude who is in his last year of high school and absolutely refuses to look at a book for more than half an hour a day#you can imagine the amount of basic knowledgeable he would have with that time period dedicated to studies (not even dedicated hes forcedto)#he knows nothing of the most basic thing needed in class#knows nothing of even the language subjects#and yet thinks just because he can talk he can land a job#theres delusional and then theres this piece of shit#like this family is on the verge of struggling financially and this dude decides to use the lakhs of the rupees worth of tution to eat out#with friends and learn NOTHING#like#im legit so. like i wish he would succeed in life by the sheer power of luck and wishes bc god knows hes a degenerate#yet we care enough to not have him roam around like how it looks like he might bc lets be real if not that he'll end up being a worse pain#but seriously tho how does one be SO behind the very fundamental of human experience and still think their gaming skills and music taste#can save them in this world?#this dude is more or less addicted to his phone and literally like im not exaggerating hes so dumb you have one conversation with him and it#becomes glaringly obvious bc hes so delusional about it that he talks with full confidence but you realise hes not really talking hes just#spitting bs that hes heard on youtube 😭#not to drag him or anything but im seriously so sympathetic. how much of an idiot do you have to be?#to think HIGH SCHOOL education is worthless? hIGH SCHOOL. Tgats like. the very bottom of it.#worst part is he refuses to acknowledge he should get better 🗿#so theres no point in helping bc its one steo forward ten steps back with him#and also feels shitty as fuck to be guiding a fucking 18 yo thru SCHOOL#its fucking SCHOOL FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
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so um. very glad that throughout all this time i never had the end poem spoiled to me
#i uh. i thought that beating the game would feel cheap bc i cheated and got tired of it and sped to the end#but uh. no. that. poem. it makes it all worth it. kinda feels like a culmination of all my time playing minecraft yknow#not gonna stop now ofc i have some worlds i might mess around in but. i did beat the game#i did beat minecraft finally. i did fight the dragon in easy mode i decided to allow it be some kinda fight#its whatever tbh. but the end poem is. uhm. god#yeah adding minecraft to the list of things (media ig?) that got me close to crying#shame i struggle to cry in general but fucking god man. thats a good end poem#yknow id been wondering abt that minecraft song (alpha) and wondering just what it’d be used for in game#finally found out. holy shit. there was smth i wanted to say hang on#its wrong to say exactly that i never had it spoiled to me- more that i didnt actually know what it was#zeemyth used parts of it in his farlands vid and i’d worried that he’d used most of it#but no. no no no i have never ever seen the full thing before#ooooooh boy. its a good end poem for dismissing any guilt i wouldve felt for cheating#salty talks#minecraft#i still. have mixed feelings abt the game. i still need to find out a way that i like playing it#i play on hypixel every so often. i think i enjoy that? its been a bit i do like it with friends#i remember running a warrior rp house in there it got briefly popular (idk ~20 ppl at one point i think it was years ago)#its moon landing day but also salty finally beats minecraft day#didnt even beat it on my computer (same acct tho) bc it does not run well on my computer a lot of the time#oh fuck no these credits are like an hour long? how do i skip this shit i got what i came here for
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