#it's 1 am. I have surgery to worry about. i don't even know why I'm thinking about this😅

[thedreadvampy]

sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'

[awoart114253]

one thing I wanted to do was use Evil x fanart for an edit but I'm very concerned about using other people's art without their explicit permission and posting it publicy, but I'm too shy to ask 👉👈

[fruity-fruition]

My thoughts on Tenma Parents!

I am the Tenma parents' number #1 defender in a way. I still think they fucked up Tsukasa, but not intentionally.

(fyi, Tsukasa is definitely a mama's boy and I don't accept criticism. Saki's on the contrary)

I think Tsukasa's parents loved both him and Saki equally, unlimitedly, and wholeheartedly. The sad reality is that life handed the entire family a shitty deck of cards. And while love is unlimited, time and attention isn't.

They try their best, they genuinely do, but it's difficult juggling their job AND an ill child AND another child.

Due to Saki's (uncontrollable!! Remember!!) condition, one of the parents has to be with her nearly at all times and the other one has to work for the additional hospital bills (since the government can't cover some surgeries or procedures. Idk how it works in Japan but)

They try to be there for Saki and Tsukasa a lot but they do notice growing concerns abt both of them.

Saki's getting quiet, nearly bursting into tears every time Tsukasa or any of them leaves the hospital room. She clings on to people a lot to the point of where it hurts.

Tsukasa's getting quiet too. He thinks they don't notice, since he's trying to act upbeat and cheery in front of Saki to cheer her up, but they can't ignore... that. Whatever is happening to him.

They both don't know what to do.

Despite their best efforts, Tsukasa was still left home alone most of his late childhood and early teens.

They don't have favourites, but after a while, they can't say they know their son anymore. They saw him grow up without them, and it's the most heartbreaking thing to not be there.

--

They had to miss his middle school graduation. They tried to take time off work, but neither of them got off fast enough to reach the ceremony. Both only saw him that day at the hospital.

But Tsukasa lied. Lied to Saki's face, because he didn't want to upset her.

Tsukasa's mom: "Sweetheart, we're so sorry-"

Tsukasa: "-that you had to leave the ceremony early? It's okay!"

Their parents look at him confused because the issue is that they weren't even there. But Tsukasa gave them eyes, begging them to play along.

Tsukasa's mom: "...yeah. y-yeah, work called in and we really couldn't avoid it much longer"

Tsukasa lets out a sigh of relief before nodding and smiling "really! It's okay!"

When leaving Saki's ward, his mom asked him why he lied, and he just looked at her and shook his head.

Tsukasa: "...Saki does this thing, where she blames herself for stuff she can't control. I-I don't know how I know it, but I'm sure she'll do the same if she found out you weren't there. I don't want to see her doing that."

Outside, his mom pulls him into a hug, whispering apology after apology as she holds him. He kept insisting, it's fine! Really! He's a future star, with loads of celebration to come! Who cares if they missed one?

His mom looks at him, with genuine sadness, and asks him to be honest with her. Is he upset?

She noticed him froze, before shaking his head.

Tsukasa: "Not at all, mom! I understand why you both couldn't make it"

Tsukasa's mom: "...You can understand and still be upset. You're allowed to be"

But despite her best efforts to make her son open up, he still shakes his head and tells her it's alright.

She thinks he doesn't know that she knows. She knows that he wants them to worry less about him, which made them worry more.

--

She learned from Saki that Tsukasa doesn't have a lot of friends. He never mentions it a lot to Saki, but every time Saki asks him if he'd be hanging out with people, he just looks at her confused.

Tsukasa: "Why would I hang out with other people when I have the most incredible sister in the world!"

When he started to open up to her again, later in the future, when everything had settled down and life was beginning to move steady, she'll learn that his classmates think he's overbearing.

He wasn't getting bullied, nor was he actually disliked. But in terms of friends? They think he's a bit too loud, too tiring to deal with. Some even think he's a bit too selfish.

She would argue about that final point with her life. Because if anything, she wishes Tsukasa thought of himself more.

--

They learned more about him when he was 17. They learned about his friends, his troupe, his work, and how close he's gotten towards achieving his dreams. They're so unbelievably proud of him. He's grown into such an incredible person.

They just wished they could've taken the credit.

--

They loved their children equally. Even when Toya was pulled into the frame and they unknowingly gained a third, they loved him all the same.

But there's a difference in loving and knowing, because their son felt far more distant to them than their daughter. And they're trying their absolute best to fix that rift before it's too late

--

Both Tsukasa and Saki suffered majorly in their life, both in vastly different ways. But in terms of parents, I think Tsukasa got the short end. But not intentionally, y'know? It's like. Accidental child neglect.

[pinkthrone445]

Would you consider writing a part 2 for “The most wonderful time of year?” where maybe reader got pregnant by a one night stand or donor ands has a happy ending? Pretty, pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top?

-The most wonderful time of the year?- Part 2

Part 1

Pairing:Melissa Schemmenti x Reader

Gender: hurt, fluff

Warnings : (+18) strong words, fights.

Summary:Melissa makes the worst mistake of her life by letting you go when things don't go the way you wanted them to. Years later, fate pulls you together again, Melissa just hopes it's not too late to fix things.

I'm officially on vacation, so I hope I can write some more! Thank you for continuing to send requests, little by little I am answering all of them. I hope you have a beautiful year!

Melissa was stunned to see the hall where you had gone, it was as if the ghost of the past had visited her, all her bad decisions were coming back to her head, even things she had avoided thinking about for years had come back to haunt her. Why had she left you? Why did you look so happy since you left her? Why had you come back and no one told her anything? Were you avoiding her or was it a coincidence that she didn't cross paths with you before? Was she right to leave you to get on with your life and dreams? If it had been the right thing to do, why was she hesitating so much?

Why hadn't anyone told her that you had come back and that your son was going to the same school where she worked, if almost everyone knew that you had been her girlfriend? Why Barbara, her best friend, didn't say nothing, anything? Melissa looked at her friend who started packing her bag faster as she felt the redhead watching her

-"Why?..."-Mel asked in a very weak tone and her friend didn't dare to look at her

-"Why what?"-the older one played dumb

-"Why you didn't tell me she was back?..."-Her voice sounded pained, as if her friend had committed the worst betrayal, Barbara had never seen Mel so hurt by her fault and she was not liking it.

-"Mel... I'm so sorry, she asked me to... She told me she would bring her son here because it was close to work and because she had no one else to leave him with. She begged me not to tell you because she wanted to be calm without going through the pain of seeing you again... You know we promise parents confidentiality with some things and even though I wanted to tell you I couldn't... I am sorry..."-Barbara spoke in a calm tone, and her friend sighed in pain

-"It is ok Barb, I understand... How long has it been since she came back?"-Mel needed to know

-"About 3 months?... She told me they came back because of a job offer she had...I promise you that's all I know"-Her friend responded by trying to redeem herself

-"Thanks Barb... Let's go home"-Mel talked before going with her friend to the car.

For the next few weeks, Melissa watched you from afar every time you dropped off your son in the mornings and picked him up in the afternoons. Also in the recesses or lunches that she had to supervise, she observed your little one very carefully, seeing all the similarities that you and he had, you both had the same eyes that shone when you smiled and that laughter that animated any person every time you let you show it. The two of you frowned in the same way when something displeased you and your little one loved pasta just like you. It made Melissa happy to see how much the two of you looked alike, it made her feel like you were close and that she already knew your son because of how much you looked alike with him.

More than once, Mel saw how you were late to pick him up because your work took longer than expected due to some emergency, your son was used to waiting for you and was well-behaved, but she was worried that you had no one to give you a hand when unexpected things came up.

One day in particular, the hospital where you worked had called the school saying that it would take a while to get there because you were doing a big surgery, but Barbara hadn't come to work that day, so Mel offered to take care of your little one until you arrived. Your son had no problem staying with the redhead because he had already gotten used to seeing her at school, although at first he had stayed with her playing on the carpet and listening to the book that Mel read to him, soon he fell asleep curled close of the teacher, since he had had gymnastics that day and had exhausted his energy.

When you arrived at school you were surprised to see how the two of them were snuggled together while Melissa stroked his hair and your son slept soundly, at first the scene gave you tenderness, it allowed you to imagine how things would have been if you and Mel had started a family, but that same thought made you angry because you remembered everything that had happened with her. In order to get the redhead's attention and not scare them, you cleared your throat. Mel stood up carefully with your son in her arms, who settled on her chest with his thumb in his mouth, there were times when you forgot how small he was and that he was only three years old because of how well he behaved and understood everything. The redhead handed you your son carefully, you laid him on your chest thanking the heavens that he didn't wake up and murmured a soft thank you to her before turning to leave, but she grabbed your arm making you stop and you sighed

-"If you ever need it, I can take care of him if you want from time to time... You're not alone, you know"-Melissa whispered and you looked into her eyes

-"Look Melissa, I appreciate you taking care of him because Barbara wasn't here today, but I don't want you to get involved in our life, got it?"-Your tone was soft because your son was asleep, but your words were harsh

-"Hon, I'm sorry about what happened between us, but it's not wrong to ask for help, you don't need to do it all if someone it's offering to help you..."- she repeated and you sighed, you were too tired for this

-"I'll ask for help if I need it or I'll manage on my own, I just don't want your help, I don't want you near him"-You responded by looking seriously how her face transformed as she listened to you

-"Please I'm not a bad influence on him, you know I'm good with kids, I'm just offering you help, you don't have to be that mean..."- she responded with annoyance

-"I'll refresh your memory in case you don't remember, you left me, at Christmas, because you didn't want to have children or have a future with me, so don't come to pretend to be a good person to me or to him, because you were the one who let go of the opportunity to have a family, you let go of the opportunity to continue relating to me or my son. If you were so repulsed by the idea of having children or getting married, I don't want you around pretending that you want to take care of him or get to know him, because you don't deserve to know what a beautiful person MY son is... I didn't come back to rub this in your face, I just came back because I needed a better paying job so I could take care of him... "-Your tone of voice rose, but you tried not to scream so you wouldn't wake your child

-"I came back from you! You were the one that disappeared, I realize pretty soon what a big mistake I made and try to get back to you... I visited your family and they didn't wanna tell me where you were... I tried to call you and you changed your number, I went to see your sisters and I put up with their screams and insults just to see you, but no one wanted to tell me anything about you... I went every year, three times a year every dam year... I'm sorry okay? I was so stupid when I let you go... I just didn't wanted to hold you back on the things that you dreamed of..."-Melissa was someone with a lot of strength, but right now she looked so weak and fragile, so hurt and needy, she looked so remorseful

-"I wanted all that, I wanted marriage, pets, and children with all my heart, but I wanted to do it with you... And you let me go so easily..."-Your voice sounded hurt, too

-"And I regret it every day, every second that pass...As soon as you left, I realized that my life wasn't worth living if I couldn't share it with you, I would have given everything to have you by my side again, my stupid pride, my stupid ideas and everything I am, I would have left it for you to come back to me. It's been 5 years and there's not a moment where I don't think about you, how much I miss you and how stupid I was to let you go. How stupid I was to reject the things you wanted, that you wished you had, how stupid I was to have missed a life with you and him. Because now that I know him and see how happy he makes you, I realize what a big mistake I made by not joining you in this, you're an amazing mother and I would be lucky to be with you taking care of him..."-Mel whispered looking into your eyes and you sighed not knowing what to say or do. You didn't know what would have happened if Mr. Johnson hadn't come in to tell you he needed to close the school. You and Mel left school quietly, and after a simple goodbye, you each went to your cars and home.

The days began to pass, and though you hadn't spoken any more after that night, you noticed how something had changed between you two but you didn't know that. Melissa also noticed how now you recognized her presence with at least a small smile when you left your son at school and saw her, that little smile was enough to make her happy all week, seeing that you didn't despise her anymore made her the happiest woman in the world.

For your part, you wanted to talk to Melissa again but you were scared and didn't know if it would be the right thing to do or what excuse to use to do it.

It wasn't until a work conference coincided with you not being able to get a good babysitter that you had a good excuse to talk to her, but still, you consulted with your son before

-"Theo, mama has a work conference for a few hours, do you want to stay with the neighbor and her children?"-You asked your son but he shook his head, looking at you a little sadly

-"I want to stay at home... The neighbo's childen ade noisy and won't let me do what I like"...-He muttered, trying to cross his arms angrily, but it gave you tenderness when you saw that they were a little crooked and he couldn't cross it properly

-"It's fine, but I can't get the babysitter who always comes... Would it be okay if you stay with Melissa? The teacher at your school who stayed with you when I couldn't get there quickly, do you remember her?" - You consulted and he smiled a lot, nodding excitedly and jumping up and down

-"Yes, please, she does the best voices when deading and takes cade of me when the olde kids tease me, I like hed, mama!"-Your little one spoke excitedly and you sighed with relief when you saw that he agreed, you didn't know who else to call if he didn't want to stay with her. Praying to the heavens, you called the redhead and explained the situation, she agreed and in less than 15 minutes the eldest was already at your home. As soon as she arrived, you took the opportunity to get ready to go to the hospital and quickly explained some things to her

-"If you see that he wants to cry and you can't find an obvious reason, it is likely that something is overwhelming him, it may be loud noises or that the texture of his clothes are making him uncomfortable, in that case turn down the volume of things and offer him his pajamas, those clothes always calm him down... If you or him are hungry, there's food in the fridge, if he's sleepy, a bottle of milk before bed helps him sleep better... He knows how to go to the bathroom on his own... Let me think if I remember anything else"-You spoke quickly, and the redhead laughed, putting her hands on your shoulders and guiding you to the door so you wouldn't be late. Her hands felt firm but loving, as they did years ago when you started to get distracted from doing what you needed to do and she gently guided you.

-"Remember that I'm with kids almost all day, I know how to take care of them and if not, I'll send you a message, okay?"-She spoke and you nodded going to open the car, your son ran next to the redhead hugging her leg and waved at you with his little hand

-"Goodbye baby! Behave yourself and listen to Melissa, I love you my boy!" - You screamed smiling when you saw how comfortable he felt around Melissa, something that wasn't normal with other people. Then you looked up at the redhead smiling kindly-"Really thank you... I didn't know who else to call, I'll be back as fast as I can"-You smiled nervously

-"It's the least I can do... Go or you'll be late!"-The eldest spoke and you got in the car to go to the hospital.

A few minutes later, Melissa watched as your little son entertained himself without causing her any troubles, he painted and played with blocks while soft music played in the background.

She took time to observe a little, there was still a lot boxes on the house, but she could already tell that you two were turning it into a home. There were many pictures on the wall, mostly yours and your son and some with your family, she smiled when she saw one with all your friends in which she was included. There were many books on the shelf too, the top ones were yours and the ones at the bottom were your son's. The Christmas tree was the same, although Melissa knew that you loved to keep order even in the decorations, you had let your little one decorate as well, making most of the balls and stars be at the bottom of the tree where the little boy could reach, Mel laughed tenderly at this.

There were toy boxes in various places and the lights were soft, accompanying the fireplace light, giving a warm atmosphere to the house.

When she turned around, your son was looking at her with his eyes wide open

-"Miss Melissa... My mom said you wed a teached too like Ms. Howad, can you help me do my homewodk so my mom can sleep when she adives? Pweease?"-Your son begged her with big puppy eyes and the redhead nodded excited.

A couple of hours later, after doing homework, eating together, and playing some more, your son brushed his teeth, and after Melissa gave him a bottle of milk and read him a story, he fell asleep smiling and hugging a stuffed animal that she recognized, it was yours when you were a kid.

When you got home, everything was neat, clean and quiet, the redhead was sitting on the couch grading some of her students' papers. Seeing you enter, Melissa took off her glasses and smiled softly at you as she saw your tired face

-"Theo is sleeping, he did his homework, played, ate, brushed his teeth, and put on his pajamas before bed... We also sorted the toys together and after he fell asleep I arranged the rest, made pasta in case you are hungry" - Melissa spoke in a whisper to avoid waking your son, she also put her cell phone and papers in her purse before getting up to leave

-"I don't know how to thank you... It's rare that he stays with just anyone, he sees you as someone special"-You confessed and she smiled

-"He's special, I could spend hours playing with him and listening to all the things he knows about animals... Thank you for letting me help you and for trusting me to be with him... I'll go so you can rest, good night..."-The redhead gently caressed your arm giving you a small smile before leaving.

Weeks began to pass and the distant greetings turned into small chatter that was then followed by messages late into the night. You didn't know it was going on, you were just letting it flow.

A month after Christmas came your son's birthday, he gave his invitations at schools to whomever he wanted, and you were really surprised to see when Barbara, Mr. Johnson and Melissa arrived at the party you had organized for him. Your son was through the roof when he saw them and spent the whole party laughing and playing a lot with the other children. Your family was there too, and your sisters were looking at Melissa badly but you told them to control themselves.

When it came to opening presents, Melissa had given your son clothes with the same fabric as his pajamas to make him feel comfortable, that made you smile as you realized how much attention she had paid to him. Also she brought you a small puppy, to fulfill your dream of having a pet. Even though you knew your child would say it was for him, you almost burst into tears when you saw the little puppy.

A couple of hours passed at the party, your son, your new puppy and his friends were playing and singing with Barbara and Mr. Johnson, Melissa was sitting on the couch that was in the courtyard where the party was, you carefully sat down next to her and rested your head on her shoulder letting out a tired sigh and closing your eyes. Mel just looked at you and smiled, putting her arm behind your shoulders, bringing you closer to her, begging you not to walk away

-"You know... The first year you showed up looking for me, I saw you, but I didn't come out because I was mad at you... The following year I started to miss you and wanted to see you, but days before you went, I found out that the treatment had worked and that I was already pregnant and I thought that if I saw you, you would be scared and reject me again... Then the baby was born and I was even more afraid to see you... That's why I stayed away, it wasn't out of anger at you anymore, it was fear of rejection again... But I'm happy to see you again and to see that Theo is happy being with you too..."-You whispered and the redhead hugged you closer to her body

-"(Y/N)... I know how much I messed up and I want to see if I can fix this, because I don't want to miss another second away from you two, would you like to go on a date with me and your son?... If you don't want to, I understand, but if I didn't ask you I know I'll regret it"-She spoke sincerely, expecting you would reject her and push her away, but you just hugged her tighter taking advantage of her scent and the heat that her body radiated

-"We'd love to..."-You whispered, hiding more in her neck, watching your son's happiness and listening as the redhead's heart almost came out of her chest.

-"By the way, your sisters have been looking at me like they want to kill me since I arrived, but since you sat next to me, it seems like they're shooting lightning at me" - She whispered and you laughed

-"I know, so be careful what you do this time because if you don't, I'll let them do it"-You responded jokingly

[mustfindcreativeusername]

(maybe scroll past if you love love bbc sherlock)

Me: honestly i fucking hate bbc sherlock by this point i mean yeah i loved the first two seasons loved loved loved them but then it haaad to get so complicated but still i could live with season 3 but wtf was s4??? And why did they have to... Do. That. Why make me hate even one John Watson i love my Watsons why did you make him a piece of shit in the last season, texting another woman to the point he considers it cheating is one thing i mean depends on the texts but that's forgivable it was just texting after all, anyway that's one thing but he blamed Sherlock so much for Mary's death when she!! She!! Jumped in front of the bullet to save him. It was her decision (why did she have to be a mega spy? Why did she have to surgery-shoot Sherlock. It wasn't as safe as she thought he literally died and came back and if the ambulance had come a couple minutes later he would 100% be dead wtf and he forgave her too) it was Mary's decision to sacrifice herself for Sherlock and he blamed him to the point where he basically internalises that Sherlock killed her. And i understand needing time alone or whatever but mrs hudson said he's sick, john, pls come see him and he was like yeah whatever sure if you insist ig.

Oh and . Yeah. He fucking. Beat. Him .Up??? Not punch him -haha funny- not hit him once, or even twice. No. He fucking beat him up. With punches and kicks and stuff. While he was looking at him like. Not quite believing. That his friend, "best friend" would do that to him. And yeah him being on drugs would have contributed but he ended up in the hospital?? After john beat him up. I didn't watch that episode in a while but i don't remember john being extremely remorseful or worried afterwards. He saw that cd from mary and only then he was like, "oh no my friend". Your friend. Your friend who would do literally anything for you. Your friend who a couple days later hugged you while you were crying. Did you even hug back? Did you ever apologize? I don't remember. He might've. But i dont remember it. And sherlock forgave him. Just like that. Worse even. I don't really think that he was that mad at him in the first place. Heartbroken, yes. Did you see his face? When john was beating him up? He wasn't even in his right mind, mega on drugs and stuff, and he'd just had a 'that is not the person i met' moment, tma fans wink wink, he was not well and you beat him up. You're a doctor too. Ha. Your best friend, the one who would do anything for you, die, kill, make himself sick to save your mental health or whatever was going on in that episode. In the following episode, days later really, he's made to choose to kill either his brother, HIS BROTHER, or John, and both Sherlock and Mycroft immediately, instinctively know that he's not gonna kill John. He loves him too much. I never really got it the first time around, the first time i watched. It's insane - Sherlock's devotion to John. He literally loves him above anything else, including himself. And I'm not a shipper. Oh i am usually a johnlock shipper but not them. I do still think they belong together but man oh man i hope john groveled. Why did they have to do that. Make us, make me hate john watson. I loved him. In the first two seasons, i really really loved him, he was my blorbo, well, the word blorbo didn't exist yet but he was. And i have a list somewhere titled 'heartbreakingly raw lines' and it's honestly mostly about the delivery of those lines and  "no, he's my friend, he's my friend, please" is right there, nr 1. Nr 2 is close, it's from good omens, bookshop fire, also about a friend, you get it, and after these two there's a biig big big gap before the third. Those two are supreme, nr 2 is so so so heartbreaking but it did not even compete with nr 1. To this day if i recall that scene, those lines, "let me come through please, no, he's my friend, he's my friend, please " i feel sick. My stomach is twisting right now, as i write. I loved john. I loved their relationship. Friendship, whatever, autocorrect asked me if thats what i wanna say. Why ruin his character? Just to be edgy? Why would you make him beat up his best friend, that!! friend. Oh and then, once they did make him do that,  just gloss over the fact. I'm not even saying make Sherlock be mad at him. That bitch loves him to the point it's almost pathetic. But there are other ways. How can you just gloss over that. He punched him several times, he kicked him while he was down. I'm sitting here thinking "what a piece of shit, punch a wall if you're that angry, i get being heartbroken about your wife, and feeling guilty, and overwhelmed, but that is no excuse". Why do i have to call any John Watson a piece of shit. Hell, why do i have to call this one a piece of shit, i fucking loved him. 

That's the one thing i do really really hate about that show. They did a lot of other stuff, all the characters were edgy-ified and made a little worse, as opposed to the ones from the books (lestrade is fine actually) but it doesn't upset me too much, i just see it as its own show instead of an adaptation adaptation and yeah, really not that upset. And i didn't really notice at first but there was queerbaiting wasn't it. I mean there were just a little too many jokes. I guess. I did see it when i rewatched it. Still. I never really saw them together, yk? Like yeah, together forever, but not as a couple. Needless to say i was very happy when like two years after i first watched it i learned about QPRs. Like yeah yeah that's what i meant. So it had a lot of flaws i guess but stuff you could get past, yk. And the first two seasons really were amazing, i wanted to snort them. But i am glad i was only vaguely familiar with the stories when i watched it, i think i would've liked it a lot less. I mean acd Sherlock Holmes is such a nice man, he's a sweetie honestly, he giggles and rubs his hands together when there's a clue, and yeah he's got some 'get to the point' moments but he's not an asshole. He monologues about flowers at some point. I love bbc Sherlock (the character) too, i really do, but he can be a bit of a prick. Intentionally, not bc he doesn't realise it. Did he just decide one day he was a sociopath and leaned into it or what. That high functioning sociopath thing was just him being dramatic, we're not actually supposed to believe he was, right? God i haven't thought- really thought - about this show in a while. And i can't believe i thought for so long we were getting a s5. After how s4 ended? That was a "soo they had many more adventures but this is where we part ways with them, byyeeee" ending. Did you know, tv time had it listed as "to be continued"/ a running show for so long after s4 ended. So so long. After like 4 years i made my peace and I'm pretty sure even then it was listed as running. I checked on it again some time ago, a year or two ago and it was finally listed as finished and i felt both disappointed and relieved. Like if your loved one has been missing for years and years and you finally find out they're dead. You kinda knew that but.. deep down... But still, you're relieved to know. Well maybe not exactly like that. Tv time isn't the ultimate authority, but. No, you know what it felt like? Passing a corpse every now and then and one day seeing that they've been layed to rest in a grave. And maybe it's for the best. S4 did so much damage, I'm not taking good, owie my heart, damage, i mean ruining John, and... making the dog a boy??? I'm not gonna talk about the whole Eurus thing bc i did like one aspect of it (horrible labirinth with really fucked up decisions to be made. I never saw any saw movies [lol. Saw saw] but that's what they're like right?) but yeah just make her an actual supernatural force at this point. The fuck. So maybe it's for the best. Not getting a s5. I've made my peace a long time ago and as i said, I'm starting to feel like i harbour some sort of hate for this show. Not the "i wish I'd never watched it" kind, not the "tf what did i ever see in it" kind either (s1 and 2 my loves) but it is a hate nonetheless. I'm glad I've moved on from it.

People on the internet: omg they're talking about making bbc Sherlock season 5!

Still me: omg omg no wayyy yess pleaseee maybe everything will be fixed and nice and cute yesss gimme gimme 

[tonybicyclestark]

why Earth- 2010? The idea sounds interesting but just curious about it?

I'm unimaginative and i picked 2010 because in this world, Stephen and Tony married in 2010, right after the events of Iron Man 2. Tony proposed after Iron Man 1, right before he went to do the 'I am Iron Man' speech, (it was a whole thing with Stephen not answering for a bit), but they married after the palladium issue and the Vanko debacle.

[If you'd like to know more about my Earth-2010 MCU AU with Ironstrange + Avengers Family + BAMF Stephen Strange send me asks on anything]

Here's a little snippet of what I envision for IM2 regarding the wedding + tony dying but not telling anyone thing. You get the bonus of seeing Rhodey in this too.

"He's not letting me in James. If I didn't know any better, I would say he's rethinking the whole wedding." Stephen sighs into his hands as he hunches in on himself. He can't help it, it's been a tiring week with multiple trips back and forth from Malibu and New York in between surgeries and Tony's... antics. "You don't seriously think that Steph, this is Tony we're talking about. He's crazy about you." Rhodey reassures the doctor. "Then what the fuck is he doing? Did you know that this is the THIRD time he's rescheduled our meeting with the wedding planner for the venue visits?" Stephen almost shouts. Luckily, they're both alone right now in Stephen's penthouse - Rhodey having come see him while in New York for business.

"He's barely making any effort at all in discussing the wedding with me, keeps telling me he's too busy to make the trip to New York when previously it's never been a problem and now it's-" Stephen hesitates, he doesn't know if this is too intimate of a detail to share with the other man. "It's what Stephen? You know you can tell me anything man. I love Tony like a brother but I'm your best friend too. And you know I worry about him too." Rhodey reminded Stephen. They'd grown closer during the three months Tony had been kidnapped and Stephen knew he could trust the man with Tony. "It's been weeks since we've had sex and normally, I'd chalk it up to exhaustion, but he's been cagey and distant every time we're in bed together even if just to sleep." Stephen finally sighed. "I don't know what's going on with him James but ... without any other explanation ..." "Do you think he regrets asking me to marry him?"

[alaydabug2]

I freaking HATE being the "Good smart kid"

I used to love it and be proud

But I HATE it now

Context:

I'm the youngest (and only girl) of four siblings

All my brothers are significantly older than me

Like 5, 10 and 13 years

The thing is they're very booksmart

Key word

BOOKsmart

But they don't apply themselves and even try

2 of them were in gifted and beta but they dropped out and didn't care

1 (who has a genius IQ) ended up doing drugs and stealing and ended up in prison

One knocked 2 girls up (one baby mama being legit cray cray) and is a dead beat to both kids

1 nearly dropped out of highschool and us 19 married to a 28 year old with 3 kids (who only really seems to be there for his paycheck)

Well (minus when I was younger) I am the "good child"

I behave do well and apply myself in school

Just got into gifted and starting out freshman year with all honors classes and in beta

I LOVE learning and stuff

But the pressure is getting to be a LOT

Im known by my classmates for being the smart kid and they only really talk to me and include me for awnsers on stuff

They get mad when I try to just help and guide them instead of flat out giving the awnsers

With my parents I'm their "last hope" cause the other three screwed up

I've always been known as the happy little girl and so I don't like crying in front of them because I don't want to worry them

Especially about stupid like this

And I've always done well in school

SO MUCH SO that when I get any sort of grade below a 90 they ask me "are you ok do you need help"

And it makes me feel like I'm not doing good enough (even though they are objectively GOOD GRADES)

Even if they don't say anything when I see anything below a 90 I feel really dissappin in myself

Yeah those jokes about "Oh I did so bad on a test I got a 88"

Yeah that's me

Then furthermore

I just had to miss 2 weeks of the first weeks of school from surgery

And when I got all my makeup work I just had a breakdown because it was SO MUCH to do

First week of high-school EVER in honors

That's a lot

I had a full on BREAKDOWN cause I was stressed out and I didn't want to miss that much school

My mama got upset with me because I was having a freak out (cause I don't usually act like that)

It's not my parents are bad

Not at all whatsoever and love them so so so much

But I feel like I'm not allowed to mess up or get a bad grade now and again because I've always been known for the smart good happy girl

I feel like I can't stray from that in being afraid of dissappinting them and myself

The bar I set myself is so high cause I want to do something with my life because my brothers just dont

I feel like I need to make up for what they didn't do with the potential they had

I don't want them to be sad when I'm lonely at school cause I have friends (I guess)

But I'm not really included in the planning they do (like homecoming) and I don't want to ask to join cause I don't want to be needy and annoying

I'm sure they'd be fine if I did ask but I don't feel like I know them enough to do thay and I don't want to be weird

And when my mama asked me today if they did include me unlike my other school where I just sat and watched I just told her they dud cause I didn't want her to be sad

I literally don't know what's wrong with me

Ik they don't HAVE to be my friend and include me in everything

Thats why I don't ask

Cause they literally DONT have to

I don't want them to feel obligated to either

Cause I've been on that and of the aisle too

And being stuck around someone you don't like but pretend to tk not hurt their feelings sucks

But at the same time.... I just really miss my best friend

I just want to know why I can never get good friends who include me in things and listen

They're either toxic or I'm the pitty friend

Am I really that annoying

But then when I act "normal" and I'm more quiet I just still....

I feel like they don't like me

I've HEARS some of these girls talk about saying others are annoying thay I thought were friends and didn't want to hurt the others feelings

I always get scared I'm that friend

I'd stay by myself but

I CRAVE companionship

Ik some of you are happy to be on your own

But I'm not that

But I'm starting to think feeling lonely is just my best option at this point

I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about it

I don't want tk worry my parents

I'm not gonna go around asking my friends "am I annoying"

By bsf lives an hour away

I just... don't know what to do about anything anymore

[rorywritesjunk]

There's no race, no ending in sight

r rating. title comes from "two of us on the run" by lucius

(enjoy. since i'm so invested in this now i wanted to do a ✨flashback✨ part and i love emporio ivankov and been hyping myself up on trans croc lately too so... this happened. mentions surgery but nothing graphic, threats to others safety. also mentions of someone's first time)

taglist: @hey-august @thoraeth

pt 1 + pt 2 + p3 + p4 + pt 5 + p6 + pt 7 +Pt 8 + Pt 9 + Pt 10 + Pt 11 + Pt 12 + Pt 13 + Pt 14 + Pt 15 + pt 16 + Pt 17 (End)

Pt 9

twenty years ago

"I'm sorry, what?" The nineteen year old looked confused by the demand. Sunny had only been at the job for five years, she still had so much to learn, but this customer came in, one she had seen frequently in the last year, making adjustments to their clothes when it didn't feel right in the arms, the chest, hips, and length.

"I said marry me, shop girl." The cigar smoke was awful, lingering in the air as it dissipated. He was grinning at her.

"M-Mister Crocodile, I can't. I'm only half way through my apprenticeship and... and we don't know each other very well." Sunny tried to reason with him. Why would he want to marry her? "Besides, um, I'm not... ready for marriage."

He chuckled, reaching across the counter to touch her cheek gently; she shuddered, his touch was dry and coarse, like sandpaper against her skin. "It's not in your best interest to say no to me, girl, not when I can show you everything in the world, all the riches you could ever want, the prettiest clothes you could ever wear."

"I don't-"

"Saying no to me means you care little for your friends and family, you know. It won't be hard to destroy their livelihoods in an instant." He continued, tilting her head to look up at him. He was so much taller than her, larger even, that she was scared. Was he threatening Miss Pins and her parents? Why? Why did he want her out of countless others?

"But-"

"Just say yes."

Sunny's eyes widened. She didn't know or understand what this man could be capable of but she feared him. She couldn't risk her family being hurt or her boss. She didn't want to die either, not yet.

"Promise?" She asked as he studied her face, raising an eyebrow at her question. "Promise... you won't hurt me o-or my family. And... and I'll marry you."

His face split into a grin. "Good girl. I'll make sure you're happy."

~

Sunny didn't understand where they were. A man taller than her husband greeted them as they arrived on a new island, calling him "Croc-boy" which Sunny found kind of funny. They'd been married three months now and while he would call her darling, she hadn't thought of a pet name for him yet. Nothing seemed to work for him.

"Who's this sweet young thing?" The man asked Crocodile, giving Sunny a look over. She stood beside her husband, trying not to stare up at either of them. She felt so small beside them even without the height difference.

"My wife." Crocodile said as the three started walking along. "I decided to get married before coming to you."

"Hello! I'm Sunny." She said, not wanting to be rude. "I, um, like your outfit."

The outfit being a one piece leotard with very little front, showing off his chest and stomach. Despite working with clothing, Sunny wasn't quite used to seeing someone that exposed but she shook it off. Her parents and boss always taught her not to judge someone's clothes or how they presented themselves.

"She's cute." He chuckled. "My dear, I am Emporio Ivankov, but you can call me Iva if you please." He didn't hesitate in pulling Sunny away from her husband, having her walk beside her with Crocodile behind. "So, he's finally settling down. I hope he's treating you well."

"He... is." She said, glancing back at him. "Um, he's kind to me. I appreciate it." She looked back up at Iva. "Why are we here?"

"Oh, he didn't tell you?" Iva hummed softly. "Figures he wouldn't, but won't worry about it. You'll only be here a few weeks and then you can continue on your way."

~

A few weeks of Sunny staying by Crocodile, making sure he ate while checking his bandages with Iva. The marks on the side of his body looked fine, they healed quickly, but the ones on his chest would take longer, according to Iva. He couldn't use his abilities to take care of that.

Sunny didn't ask questions at first. Her husband wouldn't answer them anyway, but when she was making lunch for him, she finally had to ask Iva.

"I don't understand what you did or what happened."

"Oh, honey, your husband just wanted to be himself, that's all." Iva told her as Sunny put the bowl of soup on a tray. He looked her over again, a grin on his large face. "You really don't know your husband, do you?"

"No, not really." Sunny sighed. "I don't know if I even want to."

~

Sunny only saw her husband naked once before his visit with Iva. It was the only time he seemed uncomfortable around her, his unwanted body exposed to her. She was kind, not saying anything as she kissed him, unsure of what to do, but she told him she thought he looked so handsome, that his body was beautiful, being mindful where she touched him. She meant it. Sunny never wanted someone to feel uncomfortable around her.

After the surgery, however, he didn't have any problems with nudity around her. He seemed happier, more relaxed when he undressed around her, smirking at the way she stared at him as her cheeks reddened.

He was gentle with her the first time, knowing he was much larger than her, not wanting to hurt her or make it a horrible experience. It was a uncomfortable for Sunny but only because she didn't now what she needed to do for him. He insisted she just needed to let him do everything and that she just needed to enjoy herself.

~

She was allowed to visit her parents a few times. It was awkward introducing her husband to them. He really didn't care to meet them but he put up a front of loving husband, gifting them jewels, spices, and other things from around the world.

Her parents weren't stupid but Sunny insisted she was fine and that she was happy with him. He took good care of her and loved her, never raised his voice at her or threatened to hurt her. Everything was fine.

~

She didn't like Alabasta. It was too hot, dry, and she hated spending most of her time at home. Sometimes her husband would bring her to his casino, and sometimes she'd put on different clothes and sneak out to walk around the town but it wasn't often.

When that boy in the straw hat showed up and defeated her husband, allowing him to be arrested by the Marines, she finally felt free, even after interrogation after interrogation, she insisted she knew nothing, that she thought her husband just ran a casino and everything, she had no understanding of what he had been up to or what Baroque Works even was.

Which was a lie, Sunny knew more than others thought. She had listened in on some of his conversations when she'd bring him lunch and he'd hold her in his lap, giving her a kiss on the cheek while having a meeting over a transponder snail or in front of others. They didn't make any comments about his wife. They knew better.

~

Her freedom didn't last long. He managed to track her down in a little village far from Impel Down. She wasn't sure how he did, but seeing him again after time apart was heartbreaking. She didn't want to return to him but he maintained his original threat when they got married: he would never hurt her but the same couldn't be said for her family.

~

"I'm sorry, a clown owns you money?" Sunny thought that was the funniest sounding sentence to her and she snorted. "Why did you loan him money in the first place?"

"There was promise of repayment." Her husband replied, stubbing out his cigar on his plate. She had made him breakfast, one of the few things she enjoyed doing for him. She took a sip of her coffee and frowned.

"Huh." She grinned. "Good luck getting it back. Maybe he spent it all on peanuts for an elephant or something."

"I don't see how this is amusing, darling."

"It's not, really, but the idea of a clown owing you money is funny to me." She shrugged. "Have you talked to him about getting it back?"

"Not yet." He sighed. Sunny nodded and set her coffee cup down, sitting up in her seat.

"Can I go talk to him?"

Crocodile looked at her, raising an eyebrow. "Why would you want to?"

"Something to do." She shrugged again. "I'll talk to him and see if we can come up with an agreement about paying you back in a timely fashion, how does that sound?"

"We'll talk about after lunch." He said as he got up. "I have things to tend to."

[hughungrybear]

Me while watching Last Twilight Ep. 12 (Final Ep.):

Okay, we'll finally see if we should take P'Aof's offer and storm GMMTV if the finale for this episode is unsatisfactory 😂

1. Hmmm, so Day was never able to get a successful surgery to restore his sight? I guess I could understand since endings that are *remotely* happy does not need to mean that he will be able to see again.

2. So after three years, Mhok is now a sous chef? Also, is this episode going the Bad Buddy route??? Cause if it is, I need to get ready 😂😂😂

3. Oof. They are trying to fool us with Porjai saying the "groom will be here" right after they show Mhok trying to call Porjai's phone <after 5 seconds> There it is! Seriously, I would like Night to be loved and happy for the rest of his life as he truly deserves it 🥹🥹🥹

4. At least, they weren't fooling us with the location. They have indeed met accidentally on the escalators of a hotel, not an airport. <after 5 seconds> P'Aof!!!!! I almost thought you'll never appear in this series 😂😂😂

5. Didn't Day got sus with the "usher"? I mean, Mhok still smells the same, right? RIGHT???? <after a few irritating scenes of Mhok in denial> I knew that perfume will make an appearance eventually. I mean, pretty sure at this point it is an official GMMTV merch 😂

6. Aaaaaaargh. Day wrote a book entitled "Begin with same person"??? With him and Mhok at the top of that mountain as a book cover??? It even has Day's voice for the audiobook??? 😱😱😱 No wonder Mhok's smile is from ear to ear.

7. I'm beginning to hate (affectionate) Mhok and Day 😅😅😅 What kind of flirting is this??? 😂😂😂

8. Night saying out loud that he is not paying for Mhok's "excellent care service" sends me 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I kennat 🤣🤣🤣

9. If looks could kill, Porjai would be dead on the spot 🤣🤣🤣 Night and Porjai playing cupids is the dream tag team lol

10. Mhok is freaking relentless 😂😂😂 Also, Day, you can go with Mhok to the US. I mean, you're rich enough to hire an assistant for your book shop. 😂

11. Don't worry Mhok. I also did not get why Day broke up with you lol (not until I read the series' writer's thoughts about Ep 11). <after 5 seconds> Ngl, that's a good conversation between the two. 🥹🥹🥹

12. Glad that Mum have accepted Porjai without difficulties 🥹🥹🥹 Their scene did managed to activate my tearducts 😭😭😭

13. Oh? Dad is also here. Will Mum and Dad have a fresh start too? I mean, Mum looks a bit shook and concerned at the same time. Also, why is Night just calling people to give improptu speeches? 😅

14. Oh, boy. NightPorjai's wedding is just full of happy tears and I have feelings 😭😭😭

15. Ugh. I hate it when the self-reflection is so late, it ends up with them rushing to the airport (or a bus terminal) to catch their romantic partner before they go away for good. But then again, Night and Porjai running in their wedding attire to look for Mhok is effing epic (even Porjai lying to the airport's information counter get Mhok is just 🤌🤌🤌) 😂😂😂

16. Wait, if Night knew that Mhok returned to the hotel, why the fvck did they all run in their wedding gear all throughout the airport looking for Mhok??? Does Porjai know about this? 😂😂😂

17. At least, it looks like we are going to get a happy ending. I really thought we are going to get an open ending based on previous events and the end credit song lyrics. Although, I am still not sure if this a good thing for the series as a whole.

18. Day can finally see (although again, it would have been more acceptable if he had stayed blind since a happy ending should not hinged on his ability to see). Also, Night hitting Day for being more excited to see Mhok rather than their mum (or him, for that matter) is 🤣🤣🤣

19. Oh? Is that Gee and August? Are they a thing now or just badminton partners???

20. Looks like they repainted Rung's car. I guess, it also symbolises a fresh start for it.

21. Two chefs in the family? I'm envious (and also hungry. I haven't eaten breakfast yet 😅). Also, Porjai's preggy again!

22. And they are back to the mountain top again. I hope it's much easier hiking this time around 😅. Also, Day, why are you lying? What d'you mean Mhok (Jimmy) is not handsome??? Lol

And it's ended. And it's happy (though a tad fairy tale-ish) 😭😭😭 Now, it was rumoured that 23.5 degrees will take the Friday time slot. I wonder if it's true. Can't hardly wait for it 😭😭😭

[feuqueerfire]

Love Sea + Special Live Blogging

I was pretty invested in Prapai/Sky in Love In The Air even when I was frustrated by their storyline, so I'm really curious to see how this show is for them. I know bits and pieces of this show (writer with a writer's block, puppy Fort..., a side GL that everybody was annoyed with and that apparently didn't get resolution?) and I'm curious to see how it goes, I think I've seen generally good reception even if people think the story's a bit of a mess.

I'm watching this right now because I have a week of iQiyi free VIP, though I'm sure that I'll have to just note the timestamps of NC scenes and watch those later, not trying to watch it all on the subway lol

Ep 1 (Aug 22) - Chapter 1: Love Begins with the Flick of a Pen

watching their inital interaction like :D ^-^

oh, Ja! I didn't know he was in this, is it a cameo or a recurring side character?

lmao crying at the nong trying to relay his P'Mut's coolness to Tongrak

but also I hope so badly that Mut is younger than Rak by a couple years plsssss I know in LITA Prapai was older than Sky but I feel like their dynamic would be even more delicious if the age gap is like their irl one

Mut is known and beloved across the island

ahh they're really leaning into the cat Rak thing. and we've got dog Mut coming up hehe

oh yeah, I also heard something about the skin tone comments, especially in the earlier episodes. (though it seems like it's meant to be funny/satire and not actually serious here)

The Vi and Mook beginning shenanigans are kinda cute, sad to know that they apparently don't get resolved and aren't well-liked

ah, Rak's gotta have sex to write about sex lol

a dramatic reaction to Mut going into the water early on in the series to hint at trauma but also to get the couple close even though they're not in their relationship journey to do it on their own yet. but yknow what? it worked on me. they're cute

After watching this episode, I must say... how tragic to me that Peat's surgery changed some key features of his face that make him look quite different (to me at least) because I really like Peat's face and look here. At least we'll always have his face in LITA and here (glad he didn't get it done before this show). but maybe that's just me because I've seen other people talk about how it was money well spent lol

the cinematography is so pretty, gorgeous island and beach, I wish I could go to Thailand bruh. and I'm giddy watching FortPeat-MutRak, they're so good as a pair fr.

Ep 2 (Aug 23) - Chapter 2: Echoes Across the Endless Blue

I watched the sex scene before going to sleep last night because I was like I'm gonna have to skip this when watching the episode on my commute to work, might as well watch it now. However, I only watched a few minutes of this on my commute, so I didn't even get to the NC scene to skip it.

I stopped around the time Rak started sucking on Mut's finger lol

As usual, I'm kinda disgusted by all this licking and tongue but somehow I can handle a lot more with this pair than in general

Fort looks sooo cute at Mut being all confused and annoyed about sitting on Rak's bed instead of having sex while Rak writes

Unfortunately I am nothing if not an enjoyer of someone making their crush run around and do errands and chores for them so I like VieMook for now, even though Vee is rude and entitled and thoughtless - that kinda comes with this trope territory. I'm more worried about them apparently not getting resolved by the end

The money and buying Mut think is a repeating theme

Woof!

the forehead kiss from Vie didn't actually do anything for me hm

not this lmfao. and Mut being dense like "what hurts?"

ah, Mut's estranged from his father, disowned since he was 15 years old. His dad has a boat but it looks like a regular-looking boat, not a rich ppl one

Palm calls Mut Phi just in a general familiar way right? Not actual familial way.

Why did Rak jump off to do diving without informing Mut when just a day or two ago he got scared when Mut jumped off the boat without telling him... smh

oh, in this trauma flashback where he's consoling his crying pregnant friend, Rak/Peats looks like Sky a lot

I think Fort reminds me a little tiny bit of Park Gunwook

[Linguistics] Mut -> Rak: Khun. Rak about himself with Mut: Chan. Rak -> Mut: Nai

Ep 3 (Aug 24)

I like learning more about the rumours Vie faces as a female lead and how she’s faking being unaware of them + how she was doing the “oh don’t you know I’m a fragile female lead” schtick with Mook

Oh, Rak has an older sister

and his dad is hanging around presumably for money

rude as fuck Rak omg though I get he doesn't wanna do whatever Mut's planning

not the paid boyfriendship while on the island

fake dating girlfriends? well not right now it seems but maybe in the future

"Possessive of my owner too. In case you didn't know" is so akldsfjlkasdfjlk;ajdsf l;kjasdf

a little coral education

ah, Vie's forcing the fake gf thing on Mook. rip. "rumoured to be boobing my way to the top" is so funny though

Vie saying "I'm not bi" and Mook probably thinking she's straight but just has fake gf but Vie likely means she's a lesbian

environmentalist Mut

"If I'm a good boy, could you use your mouth on me next time?" i'm sooaklsdfjalksdjf

omg why is the "stay on the island" convo so good and like emotional considering we're on ep 3. it reveals so much about the characters though, the way Rak's desperate to be asked and Mut's so afraid of asking

not Mut crying omg

aw, Rak has to go even though he said he'd stay

I'm nervous about them going back to the city because people said they liked the island episodes but not the city ones. hmm

Ep 4 (Aug 24) - Ch 4: From Seaside to Skyline

"If you can't bear to say goodbye, just buy and take the guy with you" lol

they really are doing the money and sex thing hmm

poor Mook lmfao they can't stop talking about fucking, these menaces. i'm torn between she's too naive/prudish vs you actually shouldn't have to hear about your boss's sex life at work

a whole contract goddamn and the clause of it ending whenever Rak wants which like yknow obviously it should end when either party wants but there should be like a "but you still get living expenses for 1 more month afterward to sort yourself out/figure out new income" or whatever

I can't read Mut right now. is he annoyed? frustrated? feels disrespected? still into it?

sugar daddy sugar baby i would actually be cringing so hard usually but yknow what... here it's somehow ok even though it's (purposefully?) a little uncomfortable

I don't fully understand their relationship because the asking to stay and island stuff was so full of emotion but now it's like contracts and money and also apparently Only Sex No Feelings (from Rak at least)

Vie/Mook are cute here

Ep 5 (Aug 25)

the thing with the making your crush run around doing errands thing is that there’s supposed to be a breaking point where the person actually listens to their crush’s complaints and hurts or whatever. whereas it's ep 5 and Vie is still ordering Mook around

damn, so much drama with Prin. and apparently everybody in their family is obsessed with men lol. it was actually an interesting argument because Prin was clearly getting to Rak and somehow... Rak and Prin are similar?

ah, the changing room talk is good

Ep 6 (Aug 25/26)

more of Ram’s backstory and Mut’s understanding

I like it when the supposed “top” and “bottom” in different ships are friends (Kom and Mut) bc it sometimes feels like only the semes can be friends with each other and the ukes with each other lol

aw pouty jealous babies lol

childish fight lolll

Rak going to Vie after the fight is so cute. he knows that Mut caring about him feels fucking fantastic and that he’s also got too much of an ego to say sorry

Vie needs to just grow a backbone and decide to confess to Mook or smth because there’s gotta be a limit to the manipulation smh

Meena is so funny lol

damn, is Mut supposed to tell little child Meena that Rak paid for Mut's company?

finally the blowjob that Mut's been asking for for like 3? eps already. also Rak putting Mut's hand on his head multiple times was killing me omg

oh that's crazy, face fucking in my thai bl

oh, Vie speaks French?

Ep 7 (Aug 27)

I have no patience for the Prin drama

oh Boss and Noeul cameo

can’t they see that Rak’s glass is full while the glass in front of Prin is empty and it’d be difficult for Rak to reach for it?

The Boy Next World is a novel within Love Sea? ah, so Boss Noeul are also actors within this show who will be adapting TBNW as well as in real life (they’re filming right now i think?)

9-10 years age diff? lol i thought like 4-5

Ep 8 (Aug 27)

“That’s fiction. This is real life. Don’t mix them up.” Mame @ us lol

Prin and Rak’s dad teaming up how annoying

So Meena’s 13 (she really gives like 9/10), Mut is 20-21, Rak is ~30

we literally have “practicing lines” + kiss for acting trope for the lesbians oh my god. and you’re telling me they don’t get resolved after this kiss? are you kidding. also i feel like people were doing too much with the “they’re so annoying i skip the gl side plot” bc we’ve def had worse/more boring/more annoying side BL couples but alsoooo I don't understand this couple and why Vie hasn't already come clean/confessed/apologized for making Mook do all the things.

yeah Mut going along to have a chat with the dad was indeed a waste of your time and you shouldn’t have done it

the dad killed some Uncle Doctor???

Ep 9 (Aug 28)

oh my iQiyi VIP is over (~12 hours ago) but my downloaded episodes are still here? I should’ve downloaded more stuff if I’d known.

I was finding typing out Uncle Doctor a bit funny but once I heard them say Na Maw, it reminded me that in Bangla too I might call somebody Daktar-Auntie/Dentist-Uncle etc lol

nooo Rak begging on his knees in front of his dad for Mut

Kwon doesn’t seem to think that he dad actually killed Doctor Uncle but rather just took credit of an accident the doctor was in

oh yes I’ve seen multiple gifsets of Mut beating the shit of the dad after the contract is torn. “You took off my collar, are you ready to face me?”

it’s November now and apparently Mut’s been here for a couple months

Ep 10 (Aug 28)

I can watch my downloaded thing even after ~20 hours later.

bit over 1h20 minutes

Ah, they’ve gotta deal with this being a whole contract thing and Rak not being ready to face his feelings

It’s a little satisfying to see Mut be harsh with Rak at the beach after he’s just taken so many insults from Rak

I took a break and have ~25 minutes left and I think it's been a day since my VIP expired and I can't access the downloads anymore.

cute enough ending

Overall:

Mahasamut and Park Gunwook are not the same, they don't have the same personalities, but some of Mut's puppy behaviours and general mannerisms... also his age gap relationship with an older person... cute round face with built body... oh man.

Anyway.

A fine enough show, I think the dynamic and characters were interesting and the show/relationships threads were good for the main couple, especially the class difference rich/poor conversations and how their dynamic evolved. I think my SkyPrapai might still be my preferred FortPeat roles, which again makes no sense, but this one was a welcome addition, especially because during LITA I kept thinking Sky should've been the older one while Pai was supposed to be a younger puppy. On that note, thank you forever for all the puppy/dog Mut.

Unlike most people who were so over the side-GL, I was actually quite into Vie/Mook (esp because they have some tropes I enjoy, such as celeb/non-celeb and one person makes their crush do chores/errands) and kept hoping for... something to happen, for their dynamic to progress. Was there a scene of them making up cut in the last episode or something?? They didn't get a proper ending, which is sad. Vie was also such a good friend to Rak, I don't know why she was such a terror with Mook and then never progressed past it.

Loved Meena, what a cutie.

The drama of it was... okay, I guess. I get why Rak's father was such a menace (greedy bastard) but why was Prin doing all that beyond just jealousy? I do agree with the general consensus that the island episodes were better.

I keep debating 6 or 6.5 but I'll go with 6 for now because the show's writing was wobbly at some places + I didn't really get brainworms.

Rating: 6/10

Special (Aug 29)

So are Vie and Mook just supposedly dating now? Or like what?

wait, it's so fun that Rak's the one trying to do the "ooh can I get a little kiss" thing because in BL dynamics, I'd expect Mut to be the one pulling that while Rak's like noooo as if they don't fuck on the regular

It's cute to see Rak try hard with the speaking his feelings + doing things for Mut like making breakfast. a reciprocal relationship

Vie and Mook are so cute when they're clear about this being flirting or whatever

gorgeous, gorgeous girls of the world

more dog references

I'm gonna ignore Vie saying that about Mook drinking. their kiss is good though, their ep 10 kiss was also good

I love whiny4whiny when Rak's whining about wanting AC when camping vs Mut's whining that it'll ruin the experience

A cute special overall. It's about Rak and Mut's progress and lives together in the future and how they've met each other in the middle rather than random drama. Vie and Mook are cute too, it makes me sad that their story wasn't given a proper conclusion in the original series. Also, I wanna go on vacation so bad.

Rating: 6/10

[dollarbin]

Dollar Bin #45:

Woody Guthrie's Lindbergh

I clearly don't aim to do anything too serious around here but I have periodically ensured that Trump supporters feel thoroughly uninvited to the Dollar Bin.

After all, Donald Trump does not understand the Dollar Bin. Our very own Neil Young is one of dozens of dollar bin artists whose music has been featured at Trump rallies against their explicit wishes and whose sentiments about that fact are well summarized by one of the guys behind Panic at the Disco: "Dear Trump Campaign, F--- you... Stop playing my song."

Plus, Trump wouldn't even know there was such a thing as the dollar bin. To him, there's no such thing as art, let alone art - or anything - that can be purchased for a buck. The shoes with his name on them cost a few hundred bucks; same with his bibles. Sure, he'd pretend to thumb through some old records if those records were in a swing state and there were a few dozen television cameras around recording his pithy and racist nonsense while a wave of nutjobs surged about outside, hoping to see him at it. But, thankfully, that photo op is one of the few he's passed by.

The truth is that my own life won't change too much if he gets reelected. I'm white, male, American by birth and heterosexual so I probably won't lose too many of my rights. But I'd rush home and burn every one my records; hell, I'd even root for the Yankees, Giants, Padres and everyone else to forever trounce my Dodgers - I'm that earnest about this - if I thought any of that would help keep Trump out of the White House for good. I just hate everything he stands for. For my daughters, my students, my neighbors, for everyone. He is evil. And we are better than him.

Why am I telling you all this instead of recommending a Randy Newman record or something? Well, it's my worry that too many of us will leave stones unturned in the next two weeks when it comes to stopping Trump's return to power. I don't want to look back and think "I shoulda..." And so, for this moment only, I'm turning this blog into a political plea.

So, let's listen to some Woody Guthrie!

If you don't teach high school history or haven't read The Plot Against America, here's some context for Guthrie's attack on an American legend:

Throughout the 1920's and 30's Charles Lindbergh was our country's Tom Hanks meets Michael Jordan: he was our biggest celebrity and our most celebrated retired athlete all wrapped up in one handsome package.

The basis for that fame was his record breaking flight across the Atlantic, but he wasn't just a pilot. Get this: the guy also invented some of the foundational technology behind modern surgery and artificial hearts.

What's more, he was a famously tragic figure: his infant daughter was kidnapped and died in what white media at the time described as the "Crime of the Century."

Meanwhile he was a racist, anti-Semitic fascist. There's no hyperbole in that statement.

And in 1940, the Republican party begged him to run for president. Lindbergh, who was shy and paranoid, ultimately declined to run but he made his views clear all the same: the best thing for our country to do was to side with Hitler in the coming war. After all, he reasoned, Jews ran the world and they needed to be stopped.

And here's the crazy part: if Lindbergh had accepted that nomination and appeared on the 1940 ballot he almost certainly would have won and been our President. Really. And then where the hell would we all be?

I see a lot of exasperated headlines at this point: why, given Trump's blatant criminal behavior, his increasing senility and his rampant megalomania, is this year's election so close? Why isn't Kamala "running away with this thing?"

The answer seems fairly obvious to me: 1/2 of our country is either too apathetic or disadvantaged to vote, and just a 1/4 of us plan to vote against Trump because we are neither disadvantaged nor apathetic and we have a healthy moral compass. But that means a full quarter of our country's ethical compass directs them to sexism, xenophobia and a preference for "I alone can fix it" fascism over democracy. And that means Trump may very well win.

It somehow doesn't matter that even Trump's longest serving Chief of Staff calls him a fascist. Our election will be a toss up.

Which brings us back to good old Woody. His song about Lindbergh, the Donald Trump of his day, is tons of fun, I think, plus you gotta dig that hook: in Washington; in Wash-ing-ton.

But Guthrie, though a genius, didn't record Lindbergh until 1944 - a full four years after the American people needed to hear the song and act on it. And Shakey, also a genius, didn't record Ohio until after those bodies were lying dead on the ground.

There are just two weeks to go folks. I'm no Woody Guthrie nor Neil Young, that's for sure. But this post is me singing my own paltry version of Ohio and Lindbergh. My song may suck but I'm earnest about it: I'm trying to sing while there's still time to correct our course.

I should be doing way, way more than this - I know it. But thanks for reading this all the same, and thanks for considering. I think our country, like the dollar bin, is full of wonder and beauty.

So let's save it.

[idabbleincrazy]

Never a Wish Better Than This (1/?)

Fandom: Smallville

Rating: E

Pairing: Clex

Characters: Clark, Lex, others mentioned

Word Count: 3005

Warnings: fix-it fic, season 4, first person pov, switching pov, feelings

Summary: Clark turns 18, Lex takes one last chance at making things right between them.

A/N: so, yeah...I never write in first person for fic, but it just felt right for this one. set between Blank and Ageless, with references to s1-4 throughout. hope you like my first attempt at a Clex fic!

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"I owe you my life, Clark. I'll never forget that."

"I guess adrenaline is really a powerful thing, Clark. Good thing, too, or all three of us would be dead now."*

"Yes, I was looking into the accident, but I'm done with that. There's nothing under the surface I need to know."

"I had to kill him, Clark, you understand that right? He hurt you, he was going to kill your father. I had to."

"I put too much trust in a pair of pretty green eyes, and nearly lost everything. I let her too close and almost paid for that mistake with my life, and your father's freedom. And, once again you saved me."

"You know, my father told me, every Arthur needs his Merlin. But even Merlin couldn't save Arthur from falling in the end. Luckily, I have you, Clark. Let's just hope you can keep me from a one way trip to Avalon."

"I wish you could trust me, Clark, really trust me. I just can't stop feeling like there's something important you've kept hidden from me, since the day we met. And, every time I think you're close to finally telling me, you veer off course."

"I'm glad you're back to normal, repressed, farmboy. Rebellion isn't really your color, Clark. But, if you ever need to borrow the Ferrari again, make sure it stays within the town limits."

"I'm not sure if I'm more relieved or disappointed, knowing for sure you're not my brother, Clark. It would have been nice, growing up with you, but at least you aren't tainted by Luthor blood." 

"I'm sorry about Ryan, Clark. Guess I was wrong, you really would make a great brother."

"Naman and Sageeth, Warrior Angel and Devilicus…I hate when stories don't give the details on how two people go from being best friends to sworn enemies."

"I'm sorry about how often your family gets drawn into the Luthor chaos, Clark. I hope you don't regret our friendship."

"I truly am sorry about my part in Eric Marsh coming after you and your parents, Clark. I wouldn't have bailed him out if I had known. The last thing I would ever want is for your family to be hurt."

"My memory of my actions shortly before I was admitted to Belle Reve are hazy at best, but if the pain I'm told I caused you and Lana really happened, I'm sorry, Clark. I only hope I didn't do anything too…untoward, with you, beyond nearly shooting you. Only, I keep getting a fuzzy picture in my head, when I try to remember. You, and me, in the loft. I was singing a lullaby. Suddenly, I was right next to you, and then there was this warmth, your warmth, surrounding me. Whenever I think of that moment, my lips ache."

"Why won't you let me help you, Clark? I could protect you from my father, if you would just open up to me. What is so damned important about those caves that we just keep circling back to them? What are those drawings to you?"

"I appreciate your worry, Clark, but isn't it a bit hypocritical to keep pushing me to reveal my most tumultuous secrets, while denying me your own?"

"You chose right with Pete, Clark. I envy his strength. I'm sorry he had to move. But it's probably safer this way, for both of you."

"I'm glad I can call you my friend again, Clark. I'm sorry I messed it up the first time around. These have been the loneliest five months of my life. I've grown too used to you showing up on my doorstep when I least expect it."

"What is it that you're hiding from me, Clark? What did I learn in those seven weeks that just keeps eluding me? All these secrets and lies…I don't know how much more I can take."

"There's a darkness inside me, Clark, and it scares me. One small lapse in judgment, and I could hurt everyone I care about."

May 3rd, 2005

Lex's POV: 

So many starts to conversations that ended before they really went anywhere. So many opportunities to get closer, to rid ourselves of the distance between us, to bring to light the secrets that stained and strained our friendship. But then, that was why I was usually the one ending them, wasn't it? Even when I was the one who started it. Pulled away, put the walls back up, slipped that mask of cool indifference back on, before he could get too close. Because if he did, how could I resist?

How would I be able to walk away, sane and whole, if he closed that gap? If he bared his soul, spilled all his secrets, how could I keep him pure? That beautiful, innocent, pristine farmboy, would only be tainted if he got that close. Too young, too naive…I would have ruined him. I still might.

I could count the number of people I have ever cared about almost as much as I care about Clark on one hand, with three digits left to spare. I would call it love, if I thought I still had the ability to feel that particular emotion. I've tried for nearly four years to keep him at arm's length. Tried for four years to let myself have the one thing I wanted even more than my father's approval. Four years of yearning, dreaming of thick, black hair, and piercing green eyes. Haunted by pouting lips that could drive angels to sin, and hands big and strong enough to catch them when they fell. 

Will I ruin this perfect, flawed, creature once I have him in my arms? After he has saved me countless times since that first life-changing, life-ending…life-starting…day on the bridge, could I take the chance that I won't destroy him? Can I really resist the chance to find out? Even a saint's patience has its limits. 

How many trips to Suicide Slums have I made, finding just the right shade of green eyes, the right pair of plump lips, shoulders just broad enough, to make the endless need go away, just for a little bit? Just long enough to pretend I didn't ache every time Clark walked through my door. That I didn't want anything more than to push him down onto the leather couch in my office and despoil that paragon of perfection. Tan, dark haired men aren't too hard to find, if you know where to look, if you have the right connections, and the wallet big enough to back it up. So eager to please, to kneel, to worship the Luthor cock. But none of them, not one, close enough to his perfection to sate my hunger for his presence. 

This past year has been the hardest, months spent trying to salvage the wreckage of our friendship. The mysterious and creepy misadventure of my father somehow switching bodies with Clark. Chloe's wild and out birthday party, that I'm sure I still don't have all the details on. Being framed for the murder of an innocent woman by a scorned one-night-stand, both of whom I only even glanced twice at because of features that made me think of Clark. Almost killing the entire Kent family with one of my ill-thought experiments. Watching Jason and Lana, envious of what they had, wanting that with Clark. Their age gap had been the least of their problems, and seeing them together had given me hope, even if they had ultimately parted ways. I know it's a small town with even smaller world views, but still…

There I go, getting ahead of myself again. Thinking like I know for a fact that Clark feels the same way I do, that the attraction is mutual. But, I've seen the looks he's given me over the years. The deer-in-the-headlights look I see when we're playing pool and I've just turned around from taking my shot, his gaze quickly flitting up to mine, and away, his next move fumbled. Felt the lingering touches, like he didn't want to have to pull away. He's the only one I let touch me so casually, you know? The only one I willingly hug, even if the embrace is painfully shorter than I care for. Even lovers aren't allowed to touch more than necessary to bring me off. I flinch from my father's hand whenever possible, my skin crawling with unease when he manages to act out his parody of paternal love. 

But, how many times have I greased the way into Lana's heart for Clark? Sure, they were mostly misguided attempts to rid myself of the temptation he posed. And still, through all their back and forth, they just couldn't make it work. It gave me hope that I tried to ignore, Clark's inability to settle for either Lana or even Chloe. …Or Alicia, who seemed to be both girls wrapped in one, beautiful and brilliant, but so very troubled; though, given how long he'd mourned her, she may have come the closest to keeping his heart. 

How many times, during our talks, have I seen those cow eyes darken, ever so slightly, before the faintest flush of color rose on his cheeks, making him turn away, his speech suddenly stumbling? How many of my loaded comments have left him speechless, the untrippable boy now awkward as a fawn taking its first steps. Is it such a stretch to really believe there's a possibility of him returning my affection? 

The Grandfather clock in the corner strikes the hour, and I stand from my chair. Time to bring some kind of resolution to the circles we seem to run around each other. One way or the other. But first, one more look at Clark's gift. I hope it's one he'll accept without all the hemming and hawing that's followed every other token of my appreciation and affection.

Clark's POV: 

I had almost given up hope of him accepting my invitation. What excitement can a small gathering of friends at a farm in Kansas hold to draw the attention of a world-savvy billionaire? Fried chicken and homemade cake could hardly compare to caviar and creme brulee. But still, I could hope. Hope that he'll show up, even for a minute, hope that he'll help give this regrowing friendship a fighting chance. 

It's hard to keep that hope for friendship from spreading into hope for something more. 

Since that day on the bridge, I’ve tried wrapping my mind around so many feelings, so many confusing urges. It was worse in the beginning, my body going through so many changes, both human and alien. Learning bits and pieces of the truth of who I am. Still so much left unknown. 

As my mind wanders, I look over at my friends. Pete showed up this afternoon, a surprise. Said he couldn't miss the only birthday party I've ever thrown. He'll probably have to leave soon if he wants to make it back to Wichita before curfew. Chloe, with her bright, bubblegum smile and knowing eyes, doing her best to keep Lois from annoying me too much. Lana, demure smile in place, eyes flitting over to me every so often. My heart twinges with a good dose of guilt every time she does. 

I still hold a place for her in my heart, but it's not the same. Hasn't been since he moved in, really. Lana was the girl next door, the one I thought I would always see as the love of my life. But, since that day on the bridge, slowly, but surely, things have changed.

Saving Lex was the catalyst for so much change. That not-really-a-kiss threw a wrench into everything I thought I knew about myself. It was only CPR, but from the first press of my lips against Lex's, it was like the whole world had shifted. And not just mentally. It was as if bringing Lex back to life had been a jumpstart on a molecular level. Before, I'd always been strong and fast and practically indestructible, but within a few weeks of meeting Lex, up popped the x-ray vision. God, that was an embarrassing couple of weeks while I got it under control. The vague dreams I'd been having got slightly more focused after I caught a flash of Lex in his boxers before I could close my eyes. It wasn't the first time I'd woken up sticky, but before that, it had always been Lana haunting my erotic dreams, like when I'd first started waking up floating above my bed. 

I had managed to push aside the confusing feelings that were blooming since meeting Lex, mostly, until the start of my sophomore year and the height of the heat wave. How many fires did I almost start, thinking of Lex? Those were the worst few months. Especially while Desiree was around. Talk about confusing. Didn't help that Chloe had to chime in with her observation that Desiree looked like a female version of me. Suddenly all I could think of was Lex giving me the sultry, sloe-eyed stares he'd been giving her. 

After that, my imaginings decided they were no longer happy secluding themselves to my sleeping hours. The first time I touched myself to thoughts of Lex happened shortly after Desiree's spell over him was broken. None of my jerk-off sessions had ever led to that powerful an orgasm. Thank God my parents weren't home; I don't think I'd have had the higher brain function required to explain the scream that accompanied my explosive release.

After my mini freak out over the careening change in direction of my fantasies, I did some…research. Let's just say, I really hope my parents don't do any in-depth searching into my internet history any time soon. My dad really doesn't need another heart attack. 

Through the wonders of the internet, I discovered that, yeah, maybe I did have some attraction to guys. None of the porn I stumbled across made me feel quite as aroused as my Lex-based daydreams, but I couldn't deny that there had been some definite tightening of my jeans as I watched. I also discovered that my attraction to girls may have lessened, but not entirely disappeared. Lana still entered my dreams from time to time; and there was that one really haunting visit where she showed up while Lex and I were tangled together, and instead of the freak-out dream-me had expected, she eagerly joined in. That had led me down a whole other rabbit hole. 

But, still, life continued on, with just another secret about myself to hide beneath my naive, bumbling exterior. I think I've managed to keep my growing attraction to Lex a secret from nearly everyone. Except maybe from Chloe. She's altogether too good at ferreting out the truth, and I've seen some of the looks she's given me when the conversation turns to Lex, or when he shows up with yet another extravagant gift I can't keep. If anyone knows, it would be her. Has she seen it there, on my face? The longing? The need? Are they the same looks I never managed to recognize her casting my way…the same looks I sometimes still see her give me when she thinks I'm not looking? 

Things only got harder after tenth grade. After I ran away in a haze of red Kryptonite, guilt-ridden over the aftermath of my decision to destroy the ship and bitter over Lex's latest marriage. Metropolis opened my eyes to a world of new experiences. While Clark was busy hiding from the pain he'd caused and the struggle of figuring out whether he still loved Lana the same way he always had or if Lex had slowly but surely replaced her atop that lonely pedestal, Kal was having the time of his life. 

No rules, no chores, no curfew, and just legal enough. Oh yeah, Kal had no qualms about living it up in the big city. And now I've got a brain full of memories, memories of experiences I'd rather have explored with people I'd known for more than an hour. I mean, I'm still a…virgin…in all the ways that count the most, but there were plenty of firsts that got checked off the list during those months of self-imposed exile. But, I confirmed without a doubt that I am definitely, undeniably, bisexual.

I knew Lex had supplanted himself ahead of Lana in my romantic leanings when the sight of her with Jason didn't hurt the way seeing her with Whitney had. The love I felt for her had shifted. Lex is who I see now, when I close my eyes and let my hand wander beneath my boxers, smooth, pale skin and stormy eyes fill my head as I bite back my cries of pleasure. No matter how complicated and strained our friendship has become, he's the one I want. The one I need. 

The sound of a sturdy raprap against the door shakes me from my tangled thoughts. Mom goes to answer it and the slow tightening in my jeans quickly threatens to cut off all circulation of blood flow as Lex steps through into the kitchen where we're all gathered. God, why do we have to celebrate my birthday in May? Why couldn't it have been in the dead of winter, when layers and thick, form-obscuring fabrics are a necessity? 

He's wearing one of my favorite outfits of his. The sleeves of the lilac shirt strain around the deceptive muscles of his upper arms as he walks closer, his gray slacks a mix between casual and business, perfect creases shifting with each step. What skin there is that's bared to my sight is slightly reddened by the wind I knew he created on the drive over. Almost dying in an accident hasn't tempered his need for speed. I'm so lost in my ogling that it takes a nudge from Chloe to realize Lex has been speaking to me. Yeah, she definitely knows.

*******

@leatafandom (big hug and thanx for your cheerleading!)

[shmowder]

I had my suspicions... the eyes emoji may have given it away 😁 I appreciate you writing out all those tips! They'll be super helpful, especially when I get confused and am like Why isn't this working like P2?? Which I have no doubt will happen often. And the maps, yay, I love maps and have printed out the one for P2 with all the cache locations and I'll probably print these too.

Save anywhere at any time? I definitely won't abuse that at all... but still I'm glad there's no penalty for dying in P1. Even on baby mode I was about to bleed out from being knifed by 1 guy in a burned district today. Glad to have the combat tips. I've actually never bought any kind of gun in any of my P2 playthroughs and have tried to engage in minimal combat and looting so I wonder how feasible that will be in P1. I guess not very, if I don't want to starve to death. That reminds me, I'm going to have to fight the worms in the Abattoir soon 💀

No worries on the dialogue front, I'm well versed in making sure everyone in my video game party likes me at the expense of having any kind of moral fiber 😇😅

Oh, Yulia ♡ We would be so bad for each other. Give it a month and that house would be unfit for human habitation. #girlrotting

I can't tell how it was intended, but Artemy having the option of saying "Do you know who I am?" to her in that screenshot... it reads as hilariously aggressive to me. Confrontational! The way you describe all the character interactions is so funny though. It made me smile.

I know you probably didn't need this kind of response to that post but I want to acknowledge the work you put into it :) It's pretty likely that I'll move on to P1 after finishing P2 + Marble Nest. Hope you have a good night, or morning, or whatever 🫶

🐿️ anon

I LOVE MAPS TOO. It's extra fun opening my phone to show the map while playing pathologic. Also, the mental image of Artemy who grew up in this town, unfurling a large paper and staring at the map for a solid 5 minutes like a lost tourist, is extremely silly.

girlrotting indeed. Not to mention how harder cleaning would be for her with her mobility issues and the limp in her leg. She mentions in her dialogue that she can't walk around much because of it. I'm taking liberaties and assuming the injury is located in her ankle joints because that's the body part she is symbolic of. No wonder she has a roommate in P2, she's probably a lot of help to her when moving is too difficult.

I did have an idea about a new pathologic healer (maybe reader insert?) who's a medical engineer and ends up convincing Yulia to amputate her leg in order to give her a prosthetic At that time period, this is considered experimental cutting-edge technology with a lot of risks. Even the prosthetic the healer offers is still a prototype and prone to failing but Yulia takes the risk.

The tricky thing was figuring out how to cut her leg since this healer isn't a menkhu and can't open bodies. Two options came to mind. One, Yulia herself has to cut her own leg after taking a shit ton of morphine. Two, the haruspex is called in for a favour to do it for them.

But watch out! Artemy would only help with the amputation, thinking Yulia just wants to get rid of it. If you blabber too much and tell him about the prosthetic, then he immediately refuses to do the surgery or help. The whole "flesh vs machine" thing and menkhu practices forbidding mixing the two.

Either way, the surgery ends up being a success! and Yulia can be seen in more places throughout the town during that playthrough. You find her walking to the cape and alongside the river, admiring the steppe and spending more time outside in general. Man, I just want her to be happy again :(

Also, the scene I pictured of how the reader convinces her to perform the surgery is very hilarious. You just waltz in while she is at the broken heart pub, yell from the top of the stairs. "Hey Yulia, are you free? Wanna come and saw off your leg? I'm very positive I can make you a better one!'

She just stares up at you from below with dull eyes, snuffing out her cigarette against the ashtray and getting up. "Why not. Do kindly lead the way."

There is a third option, but it's more of a ship of Theseus situations? How much can the reader be involved in the surgery before they cross the line of taboo? What if they just hold the equipment for Yulia? what if they only wipe the blood away? What if it's her hand holding the scalpel, but the reader's hand holds the top of Yulia's and carefully moves it, guiding her fingers slowly to separate the skin.

If the two of you held hand and moved as one through all of the surgery, then who really is the one responsible for it?

At the least, it will give the kin a moment of pause before coming after Reader with pitchforks.

And hey, I am thankful for this kind of response. I did need it, actually. I put in effort and time into my replies and seeinh them returned like this always makes me happy. It feels like someone is truly listening and replying back, that it isn't just my own voice echoing through the blog with the occasional. Thank you <3

[sleepy-shutin]

happy new year, it's my 6 month anniversary on T and it's great. i did my T-shot at 1 am because i spent most of the day extremely viscerally and hopelessly dissociated and have barely done anything, at least until it turned around 10 pm and i suddenly became functional. and i think i also had a flashback at some point but that's neither here nor there.

i should probably start an hrt log of some kind maybe, i think that'd be helpful to see the changes happening, and if people want to block that discussion they can.

below is somewhat NSFW, but it's in regards to HRT, bottom dysphoria, bottom growth, bottom surgery and my thoughts on my options, etc. nothing directly sexual. minors may not want to read below the readmore for those reasons.

so far the only thing that's happened was mild voice dropping and some new hairs popping up here and there on my stomach, the backs of my legs, etc. i fully expect to be pretty hairy since my brother on my father's side is very hairy with a full beard before he hit 30, and even before hrt, i see way more of my biological father in my face than i do my mom.

bottom growth has been there. however, while i'm on intramuscular injections and that is the fastest available route for most people, don't expect results like this so soon if you're on T. my bottom growth is definitely accelerated by the fact that i specifically requested a cream to use to accelerate it, since that would alleviate some of my massive bottom dysphoria and get me closer to my personal transition goals. my bottom dysphoria is perhaps even more distressing than my vocal dysphoria. but not as much as a whole vaginectomy/metoidioplasty might.

right now, some of my biggest transition goals would be to drop my voice, get good bottom growth, and to get the gaping wound between my legs closed up for good. that's all i see it as, personally. maybe that'll change in the future but that's how i feel about it now.

i've thought a lot about bottom surgery over the past 10 years since i discovered i was trans, and i think out of everything else i'd probably go for metoidioplasty instead of phallo, for several reasons. 1) the devices they have come up with to give phallo dicks an erection are utterly terrifying to me in so many ways. that is scary, that there could be a device in me that would give me an insta-boner. 2) on myself, i don't know if i would find a phallo dick aesthetically pleasing. i don't judge other people's genitals and their bottom surgery choices, but i wish there was a way to include things like foreskin and glans and other things like that into a phallo penis. that's why i've come to find the t-dick more aesthetically pleasing for myself. it doesn't exactly look the same as the dick someone might be born with, but it does have its own ways of looking strikingly similar in its own right, because in the clinical sense, it's essentially a micropenis.

my girlfriend was surprised earlier when i told her that my tits don't bother me at all. i'm an a-cup, they're very small and what i consider to be a perfect size on me. if they were much bigger, i'd start to consider a breast reduction, but maybe not a full top surgery. for a long time i've found the chest of a non-op transmasc person who's been on T for a year+ to be aesthetically pleasing. something about the masculine body shape and hairy chest coupled with breasts is something that suits my personal gender non-conformity. and if i ever had a problem with the chest hair, i still have options to remove it.

my girlfriend thought i was more dysphoric about the tits than the lack of a dick, but no, it's the bottom dysphoria that really kills me inside.

i'm excited to see what other changes HRT brings to my body. i wonder if i'll look more like my father than i feel i do now. the only change i'm actually worried about is potential hair loss. my biological father isn't necessarily bald, but he doesn't really have as much hair as he used to. however, he's about 70 now, and considering my older brother on my father's side is in his mid thirties and still has a great full head of hair, i think i've got a bit of time before that becomes a serious concern, and i've still got options in regards to treatment for hair loss caused by testosterone.

all in all, i can't wait for what it's going to be like 6 months from now. hopefully i'll be ready to change my legal name and gender marker at that point.

[orbitalsockets]

Ten Things I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me Sooner About Reproductive Health As A Person With PCOS and Endometriosis

Periods should not hurt. You read that right - I was shocked beyond belief when my doctor told me for the first time. Periods are, for normal people, uncomfortable and slightly unpleasant. However, normal period pain is often treatable with Tylenol, Ibuprofen or Midol. If your period is causing you pain to the point that none of these things help or it debilitates your ability to do everyday tasks, THAT IS NOT NORMAL. I believed from the age of 11 (I'm 23 now) that periods were just a horrible, painful, nauseating experience for everyone and many male doctors AGREED with me. It wasn't until I met my current gynecologist that I was informed that having to miss school, wear two pads to bed and cramping so hard that I threw up were all NOT normal period experiences. This ended up being my most ignored symptom, and it took twelve years to find out that - for me - it's a combination of PCOS and Endometriosis.

Penetrarion also shouldn't hurt. Since the first time I had sex, I have had pain with penetration. Even situations like a standard gynecological visit with tons of lubricant or using tampons often leave me crampy, in pain and sometimes bleeding. This is not normal, and for me was an indicator of endometriosis that went unnoticed for four years.

Your period skipping for several months at a time is not normal. When you first start your period it can be normal to experience some abnormality with your cycle timing, but it shouldn't be a chronic issue. If you find yourself missing your period more than having it and you're not on any medication that can impact it, THAT IS NOT NORMAL. This for me wound up being a symptom of severe PCOS that went unnoticed for six years.

If you are plus size, you have to advocate twice as hard for half the result when it comes to reproductive disorders. I am plus size and a large reason why I was dismissed by doctors was because of my size. Never mind the fact that my blood work indicated nothing about my weight being a factor and rather leaned into showing that my weight was a direct result of my PCOS - doctors saw fat and immediately assumed that my fatness was the problem instead of an underlying syndrome. This is one of the most gut wrenching parts of advocating for yourself, but you HAVE to keep fighting for an answer if you know something is wrong. Getting discouraged can be the path to chronic pain and worsening disorders.

Don't trust what hospitals have to say about your symptoms - If possible, go to a specialist as fast as possible. I spent months in and out of the hospital because the pain I was experiencing felt emergent (talking like an 11 on a scale of 1-10) and I was repeatedly told I was fine. I had over 20 ultrasounds in this hospital, and they claimed they didn't even see my PCOS that had been diagnosed years prior. They made me feel crazy, passive aggressively accused me of seeking out pain meds, and called me names outside of my door - It took my doctor ONE ultrasound to reconfirm that I indeed have severe PCOS. If the hospital tells you that you're fine, or even a doctor who you don't feel is taking you seriously, get a second/third/fourth/etc opinion until someone listens and checks.

If you and a doctor find that you're showing symptoms and need to move towards surgery, it's really easy to lose yourself in the limbo of finding out if something is there or not. I spent the last year in debilitating pain and for most of it didn't even know the cause - I just had my first endo surgery, and I spent the entire lead up wondering if I actually was crazy. I drowned in my own head with worry that I was actually faking it like so many people claimed. I woke up in the post op recovery room to news that I had been right, and I have endometriosis. Trust your instincts, no matter how deep the gaslighting around you tries to seep into your brain. You know your body better than anyone else.

If you have POTS or any other disorder that impacts your temperature regulation, be VERY careful if you decide to take Orilissa for endometriosis. The medication essentially puts you into medically induced menopause, which causes heat flashes. I have POTS and the heat flashes were too severe and disorienting for me to be able to continue the medication, which is why we moved onto surgery.

If you're diagnosed with insulin resistant PCOS and are given Metformin, you will most likely be asked by every medical professional you meet if you're diabetic, regardless of specifically stating that you take it for insulin resistant PCOS. This will happen even more frequently if you're plus size - it's annoying as fuck and you will have to repeat yourself, and even sometimes explain to the medical professional what PCOS is. The lack of knowkedge with medical professionals happens less with endometriosis in my experience, but you will most likely end up explaining what that is a few times as well.

Having a designated area for helpful items in whatever room you spend the most time in is legitimately one of the most helpful tools I've had through this experience. Many days prior to surgery (hoping it gets better, only four days post op so here's to hoping) I'd be in so much pain that I was exhausted and perpetually low on spoons. I made a drawer in my living room that holds snacks, drinks, medication, my heating pad, extra pads, underwear and comfort items, and it has been a legitimate godsend on my really bad days.

Even if you DON'T have symptoms, get checked anyway. Many people have endometriosis and don't find out until they're trying to conceive because they didn't have any symptoms. Endo is super weird in that regard - one strand of endometriosis can debilitate a person, but someone else can have their organs cemented together and experience no issues outside of difficulty conceiving. Even if you think there's nothing bad going on in there, checking in and making sure never hurts.

[ourceliumnetwork]

So. My tire exploded this morning on the highway. Scared the bejesus out of me. I'm fine, I had a fullsize in the trunk and my meta came and saved me and followed me home before we went to go pick up our partner from the airport.

this happened at like. 5 in the morning. it's currently winging in on 2am. (don't worry, i had about 6 hours of sleep in the interim)

I have done my level best to not apologize for "breaking my car".

It occurs to me that there are some traumas that are going to be harder to shake the after affects of because of the (thankful) rarity of the trigger point coming up.

I was in a car accident when I was 18-19 (I think i'd just turned 19, it was spring semester finals so it was like May probably). Just me, just my car. And some trees. I've talked about it in more detail a few times. It was scary, the minivan was totaled, the airbags went off and my jaw got jammed about 2 months before my wisdom teeth surgery was scheduled. it was a lot.

I wore the shadows of those bruises for half a year. I wear the terror of the incident as it was happening every time i drive on rough roads (fuck you google maps - yes it's faster but also *what the fuck*).

I wear the devastation of my parents being more upset that I totaled the minivan than relieved that I was alive every fucking day. And moreso when I have messed something up.

I'd gotten in trouble for breaking things before - i'm unlearning the label of "destructive" and the designation of "unobservant" and "careless" very slowly. This was the first time it was made absolutely clear to me that my life was worth less to my parents than a 1998 dodge grand caravan with no working a/c in 2011 (which, by the way, was less than the tow fee to get it off the road and to a junkyard, let alone the cost of fixing what had been damaged in the wreck).

I was then accused of lying about how the accident happened for 10 years. Apparently 1 decade is the length of time i need to keep my story straight in order to be believed about things.

I still sometimes get shit about it from my family, by the way. Not as often anymore, not since they decided to believe that I really did just glance down to make sure the bug that had flown in through the window and landed in my lap wasn't going to sting me. One of the absolute most terrifying days of my life is a joke. Because I am worth less to them than a 12 year old minivan. The only reason a bug came through the window, by the way, is because of the lack of a/c. If my parents had forked over the cash to get that fixed properly, they wouldn't have been down a minivan.

(a minivan my *sister* is upset with me for totaling because she claims it was meant to be *hers*, according to her and backed up by my parents. why i was the only one who ever drove it at that point, i don't know. Make it make sense. You can't.)

it's been....it's been 12 years damn. it's been 12 years and they still get mad at me for the fact that the van is gone. None of them ever, in the times this is brought up, ever mentions that they're glad I wasn't more injured, that I didn't die.

because i'm not worth more than whatever a 1998 dodge grand caravan with no a/c was in 2011 to them.

And now I apologize for the fact that things completely outside of my control happen and items break from overuse because clearly it's my fault and i'm terrified i'll learn i was worth even less than that.

God I hate my family....