#it was inevitable but it's still painful
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watching Succession is like seeing all of my family's problems performed in front of me like it's a stage play
#like I hate what the sibs are becoming#it was inevitable but it's still painful#none of them are really willing to self reflect#Sarah watches succession
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a new star
#i been thinkin about the asteroid again#i think about the asteroid a lot more than i think is normal#like just the complete randomness of it and how everything changed in literally the blink of an eye#like the dinoss rules the fucking earth and probably still would if space had just been a little bit different#how long did it take the asteroid to reach us#at what point was the impact inevitable#like these sound like scientific answers but i need you to know these are questions that my soul wants answered in poetry#yes the math is cool but can i talk about what tragedy looks like melted into the earth#how power and pain and mourning but also change and new life and a future were embedded in a layer of iridum that spread around the planet#can we talk about how looking at the layers of the earth is the most physical type of time travel there is#can i please talk about that layer of pain#can i mourn when i see it#or am i just a weird kid crying when i look at rocks#ALSO. was parasaurolophus alive when the asteroid hit? i dont think so#but it's too late#yall get to suffer with me#dinosaurs
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boat boys coded
#....does this make sense#it does in my head#lovers lane. dead end.#aka double life#they know it won't lead anywhere#in the long run it will only end in pain#whether it ends in a screaming match or just one too many empty promises — it doesn't matter. it still ends either way#and that's the part that really counts#but they don't do anything about it because what is there to do? your only option is to live the story#even if you know how it ends#so they go along with it#what other choice do they have?#they fall in love and they kiss and they kill and they do it all together. they follow lovers lane all the way until the end of the road#until they can't deny it anymore#their time is up#double life is over#they're running on borrowed time - delaying the inevitable#it's a dead end#and it was always going to be#and somewhere in between they may have convinced themselves that it might be different#(it's not)#(it never is)#IS THIS ANYTHING GUYS...#maybe i'm just insane#nya talks#hermitblr#trafficblr#joel smallishbeans#boat boys#smalletho
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oihguiuhj omg. bee going back to the comet is givng me like last unicorn vibes like idk. like she used to be a immortal otherworldly being that was then forced to experience life and the bad and good things that come with it. but now she's back at her home with her sister mother thing but since she's gone through the experience of being with guto and hunter and stuff she could never be the way she was before she was taken from her home. would she even feel like she fits in with the rest of the comet anymore. she already didnt feel like she belonged on whatever planet fusionsprunt takes place in but what if now she feels like she belongs nowhere??? sorry for rambling, my brain is infected with bees.
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#exactly!!!!!!!!!! god this sums it up perfectly#being human and living as one is an incredible and often painful experience which inevitably shapes an individual‚#but she's not human‚ or robot‚ nor anything anyone can comprehend‚ and that makes her feel so detached and frustrated.#These things don't matter as much when you're loved unconditionally by the people around you.#HOME is just a word she learned‚ a human concept she was taught as a robot. It has nothing to do with whatever she had as a comet.#Because her existence was an elliptical line‚ a single orbit she followed endlessly. There was no pain‚ no love‚ no despair.#And in the end‚ she becomes a fossil of what she used to be‚ like a mindless statue of her robot self.#It's still unclear if she feels anything in that state...#inbox#fusionsprunt b2#fusionsprunt beatrix#fusionsprunt
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I say a lot that Wash isn't empathetic when talking about people giving him Carolina's personality, but I don't think that really explains my thinking. Empathy is too vague of a concept in discussion of character.
Wash cares a lot about people. Wash cares so much it hurts. He trains the Chorusans without being asked, on his own initiative. He doesn't leave the reds and blues at the first sign of trouble. He's traumatized by violence by his own hand that he still agrees with the logic of, he remembers what he's done to people and while he doesn't regret it, it still haunts him. He doesn't want to care so bad but he does, he cares so much that violence against relative strangers hurts. Even if it was his best choice. Even if it was his only choice.
Carolina doesn't want people to know violence like she does. Carolina wants to tackle the whole world to keep it away from the ones she loves. Carolina wants to be the one to handle everything, to keep war off the doorstep.
Washington knows violence, and well. He thinks it is something that sometimes is the best option. He knows how to make the people he loves capable of protecting themselves. So he does.
Carolina is someone who wants to protect. Washington is someone who wants to teach people to protect themselves. Carolina wants to be the one to offer shelter in the rain. Washington wants to burn the fire so hot and so bright the rain evaporates before it can ever touch them, so hot it never even comes down, so bright no one could ever get lost. And he wants to teach everyone he cares for just how to do it, too.
Just in case it ever rains.
#it may seem like i went off topic immediately. but trust me. it's a hard concept to communicate.#logical 'empathy' where you care but you don't understand. you don't share it. it's hard to articulate.#it feels stupid. why do people care so much about this temporary problem? it's so obvious to you how trivial it is.#but they still care. even if you can't understand. and you care about them. so you show them how to approach it.#maybe your answer is callous. maybe it doesn't quite grasp the complexity of the situation#but it's what you know. it's what you can offer. maybe it's just inevitable that you will cause pain no matter what you do.#very autistic of him!#rvb#rvb washington#rvb carolina#nonsense thoughts
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i think i'm like. really in denial sometimes about how much pain i'm just Casually In...
OH NO WAIT HANG ON WAIT ACTUALLY MY MEDICINE WORE OFF AND I DID LIKE A LOT OF UNANTICIPATED ACTIVITY NEVER MIND I'M DUMB I'M HURTING FOR ACTUAL REASONS THIS TIME
#i mean i'm not but like also i am#this post brought to you by#apparently my meds wearing off and my absolutely insane menty b where i tore my crafting supply caches apart looking for my sewing needles#(i did not find them - i found *one* but not all of them they're supposed to be in a little blue circle jewel case#you know it's just a cheap needle set from joanns or michaels i don't remember which)#i am still distraught i never found the whole case of them but at least i know where One is and it's with my current Embroidery Project#which means it's where it needs to be and so long as it doesn't go missing when i inevitably drop it we're gucci#but since that's a silly thing to hope for indefinitely i will be intending to purchase more of them and try very hard not to misplace them#i also helped put away the groceries which was one of the first ways i realized actually the POTS dx might be on to something#so it's always a little taxing to do as it is#but that on top of the tantrum i threw about not being able to find my needles and the spiral inherent in the system#may have aggravated some parts of me that are already unhappy about the weather and pressure situation over this part of MI#i'll deal with the worn off meds until bedtime#TECHNICALLY i should still have about 4 hours of mild pain relief from them#it's not as good as it is around the 5-6 hour mark but it's not y'know. rawdogging the pain so that's nice#and it's not like any of it really does anything as it is everything just always hurts and it sucks but like we stay silly#it's just worse right now cause i did a lot and the weather's been nasty
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* (It's a coffin.)
#doatk#diary of a tourney kid#THE KNOWLEDGE#Whom's Diary Scribbles#// eyestrain#// scopophobia#im still not over him SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY#imagine your death being planned. wholly inevitable.#imagine your losses being so planned youre not even considered a contestant after your death#imagine being important but only as a piece of an unbreakable cycle of pain#youre only here as a vessel for the power of knowledge.#a vessel planned to be destroyed and its contents emptied#a piece of glass to be broken in case of emergency#or just when your captor gets bored of playing with the mouse in his domain#bored of giving you false hope#anyways. so normal guys
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#just thinking about that day a couple years ago when i and a bunch of organizers interrupted a dem party event#they were out there celebrating their ticket the day after abortion got banned in ohio#they were dragging out ANTI CHOICE DEMOCRATS onto the stage#so we interrupted the fucking bullshit#and i just remember the VITRIOL. that we got for that.#i remember the shit people said to us. and to me individually later#wonder how some of them feel now as the dem party continues to ignore large swaths of those it claims to represent#the dem party is a machine and it is immoral and unjust.#voting a dem to fight a dem is one thing. voting a dem for them to 'save us' ???? nah.#and hey i used to think that politics could be a force for good i used to really believe that shit#but it isnt. elected office in this system is never a force for good.#it is either a force for evil or a force of inevitable neutrality when they cant push their agendas and just stand still#anyways idk#it's just interesting reflecting.#and im glad that ive left that behind atp. done w dem party anything. done w direct electoral politics#that shit isnt worth our time or effort or pain or tears or sweat
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I kinda really hate how I've been treated throughout my life
#Entire life of abuse and neglect and mistreatment only to always be told none of it happened. To the point where I really struggle with#thinking that I made it all up or that I'm overreacting or faking or playing the victim constantly#I honestly try my best to move forward and I want to be happy. I see absolutely zero point in wallowing. Others can if they wish‚ but I want#to enjoy my life at some point. I think I've gotten better the past year- In great part of my dearly beloved- but it's still so#deeply difficult. Interactions so commonly feel like a trap and there is the perpetual sense of being watched and monitored#I often feel like a prey animal that is cornered and my only options are to take it in fear and die or to lash out and hurt the other party#I think I'm not as mean as others in this system though LMFAO. I'm not like Roxas who once compared a friend of ours to our parents during#an argument.#<- Not to say Roxas is a bad person. He's a severely hurt and traumatized kid who kinda only knows how to lash out to protect himself#Sighs. It's complicated. I do not wish to be someone angry like Roxas or Lexi. But they actually talk back and stand up for themselves. And#the system as a whole. Whereas I fawn and take it and then wonder why I always want to kill myself 24/7#I don't really know how to speak up for myself because it really feels like every single time I do (Or just voice an opinion confidently in#a group) it goes horribly wrong and people get upset and angry with me#And then people being angry at me causes major fucking spirals because it reminds me of my mother and then I start feeling like I'm going to#be fucking berated and have a metal crate thrown at me again 😭😭😭 Or get kicked out of the car or given the silent treatment etc etc etc#Which is a me problem I need to get over my fear of people being mad at me because it's an inevitable fact of life but. Hashtag severely#traumatized and still actively being traumatized by multiple parties#And also being in my own head and existing is very fucking harmful! Being in a mind that is so aggressive and destructive... It's difficult#to just 'get over' my issues‚ you know? So whenever they come up I try to just isolate so I don't cause any issues#<- Unless it's my histrionic stuff acting up. Then I'm complaining like hell because it feels actually fucking painful to not be receiving#attention during those breakdowns#Anyways! I kinda fucking suck and hate myself right now and want to kms. But that's how I am 24/7 so whatever#tw suicide#⛪️
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i only got my nails done ONCE and it was by a male nail artist and he cut my cuticle so roughly he made my cuticle bleed for so long and moving my finger hurt and i never got my nails done ever again
noooooooooo 😭😭 and that was your first time omggg im so sick for you. but the men really be beating the cuticles up. ive been getting my nails done for years and i felt bad being wary when i would show up to the shop and it was a man bc yes my nails would end up looking beautiful but at what cost??????? last time i had a guy do my nails i told him i had a nail that was super loose and he still went at it with the drill thing at too high of a speed so the fake nail flipped up yanked at my real nail and he was like omg im so sorry and i didn't understand why until a minute later i looked down and i was BLEEDING 😭😭😭😭😭 the set he did was gorg but like WHY DOES IT HAVE TO COME AT THIS COST
#guy today made my cuticles bleed and was somehow rushing but still took 2 whole hrs 😭#and i feel so bad bc i really work so hard to not see men as like bad beings that will inevitably do harm#but they gonna have to do the work first 😭#i can tolerate cuticle pain but no man is gonna come at me with that fucking pussy cone#asks
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sometimes it really is just like. is this all there is. feeling oversensitive & undersocialized—too sensitive to socialize—forever, bc you never got enough ~affirmation~ growing up (poor, pathetic baby; how long will you persist in singing the same self-pitying song…), & so never developed the proper emotional cushioning against the heartache & the thousand natural shocks, &c, &c, &c, &c, &c…
#like—you can't get close to people if you're too raw to bear the inevitable grit of misunderstandings and small incompatibilities#we all fail one another. sometimes in a myriad of small ways‚ sometimes in big ones—#sometimes you and people you care about are simultaneously failing each other on separate but parallel tracks#and ultimately you have to be able to bear that and keep reaching out to people anyway‚ as you hope they will to you#and i just. i need so badly for something—someone—to be new and good and an easy fit‚ because i haven't got trying in me#but also frankly i wouldn't trust anything like that if it appeared to me‚ at this point#molly grue voice how dare you come to me now &c#i'm a fussy person whose capacity for delight has drained away#and i think it's SO important to be kind and yet still so often i don't manage it#despite biting my tongue SO often that it hurts‚ which has taught me to feel there's nothing acceptable abt my own reactions#and i never MEAN to be pompous or dickish or whatever but caring about precision and conscientiousness and whatnot isn't in fashion#so i'm pretty sure that's how i come off to most people#and there's no prospect of anything changing and it's just like. sometimes in the night i think. well. i'm basically already dead then.#like. the last‚ i don't know‚ almost-decade at this point has been a slow painful process of sinking ever deeper into exile#stripping away various social positionalities and connections in trade for—nothing.#alien nation.#all the norms are shit but outside them—what is there.#anyway.#feelingsblogging
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im very glad that im at a point in my life that when a friend cuts contact with me i can look back and say im glad they were in my life even just for a while… yes im sad but im glad we were in each others lives for even a brief moment and ill always cherish the time that we did have ^_^
#im not even sure if ive been cut off but its looking that way… theres grief but more than anything im glad for the time we had#this way i can look back fondly and not only remember the pain from the end. you know?#that applies more to an old friendship i had that i ruined and although the guilt from that still eats me away im trying to make peace with#myself for it… its been almost four years since then and although i still struggle with that one im glad to know ive gotten better for#it will inevitably happen multiple times throughout my life
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#I mean I know that physical disability is the more or less inevitable result of living long enough#and of course obligatory mention that there are plenty of people who are much more disabled from a much younger age#but god. it feels so unfair.#I’m still crossing my fingers that this is a temporary thing that will pass with time and rest#but it’s been a MONTH!!!! and I still can’t walk without pain#you trip down three (3) stairs#just a random thing that could happen on any day#and then maybe that’s the last day you can run without it hurting.#again. I’m hoping it will pass and I will be back to ‘normal’ in another few weeks.#but god. god. I miss being able to just Leave My House without it being a whole big thing.#mine
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I know
I know nobody wants to hear about my returning hyperfixation with a silly starz show from fuckin 15 years ago
I GET IT
But I unfortunately cannot help but want to share with people I care about
#I promise it is more painful for me#bc then when it inevitably gets waved off WHOS THE ONE STILL LEFT WITH ALL THE STUFF IN THE BRAIN#ME
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oh my god. 🫨 just got vivid flashbacks to when i was like 17 and one of my mom's friends pressured me into accepting a job opportunity to transcribe one of her friend's 500 page sprawling autobiographical manuscript from handwriting to typeset for $1,000. and my mom encouraged it. meanwhile i was a severely mentally ill dropout who literally could not read cursive handwriting. no history of transcription. what in god's name were they thinking.
#the pressure of that inevitable failure hung over me like an axe for like 6 months and i think i still subconsciously carry the pain of it#i'm now 28 and i'm sooo much more capable of all sorts of things than i could've ever imagined at that age#but i gotta tell ya! i still could not POSSIBLY transcribe someone's autobiography that was half cursive half print#i don't think i could transcribe MY OWN manuscript if i had one#god and i remember the pages were out of order#jesus. in what fucking world.....#for $1000?? by the end of it i was willing to pay $1000 to make the situation disappear#adam yaps#my mom tried really hard but i look back at certain situations & go 'oh i was being taught learned helplessness. for some reason.'
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...
At least Mad are playing C9?
God this is a tough first round for EU huh
#g2 vs dk is inevitable it seems#this first round is gonna be painful but im still high on hopium (copium)
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