#im not even sure if ive been cut off but its looking that way… theres grief but more than anything im glad for the time we had

[plasticmutations]

im very glad that im at a point in my life that when a friend cuts contact with me i can look back and say im glad they were in my life even just for a while… yes im sad but im glad we were in each others lives for even a brief moment and ill always cherish the time that we did have ^_^

[funlovinzara]

“Speechless” Turbo!ken and Okarun x reader

I didn’t know id cause so much trouble, but in the end i met someone who touched my heart…i don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love him.

Warnings: none really

A/n: im back divas 💜 IM SICK AGAIN

______

Okay, lets not start off with “im just a normal person, who attends a totally normal school.” Because its stupid and dumb and i really really just want to explain this whole situation. This school is weird. Ive been experiencing some supernatural things happening to me and i dont feel safe wherever i go and i think something bad might hurt me. I walk home after school one day and i notice the air getting thicker and thicker and i just feel the tense pressure of something following me

I rush home and all i can do is ponder about whats going on with me, am i mental?? Is this some of condition?? Im having nightmares and i cant take it anymore. I cant even talk to anyone about this because i hardly talk to people at this stubborn school…

Besides all the crazy things happening to me, theres this guy I’ve had my eye on, not romantically or anything i just keep seeing him wherever i go and he just sticks out like a sore thumb. I think his name was Ken….im going to talk to him, he seems like the only person who wouldn’t judge me.

I walk up to him and before i could even mutter a “hey” a girl comes first and speaks to him, it seems like they’re close. Suddenly everyone must have a friend besides me, thats so annoying. I’ll speak to him at lunch then. And as i expected, that girl was there again. So i guess i’ll just speak to him afterschool.

“Hey..” i tap his shoulder while walking out the gate of the school. He swiftly turns around looking at me in surprise and quickly blushing. “O..oh hello!”

“I wanted to know if you’d like to be friends…you look really cool and i thought it would be nice.” His face flushes even more “Cool..? Me? Oh- yeah s-sure we can be friends thats totally awesome! Yup! Cool!” He was geeking out, and it was really cute

“Can w-“ before i could speak again he cuts me off. “How about we talk together at lunch tomorrow or if we have the same class..? Its s-super nice to meet you. Im Ken takakura!”

“Oh im y/n l/n, sure we can talk tomorrow” he bows and runs off home, i mean at least i’ll be able to actually talk to him. I start to walk home and the sun starts to set, i really don’t want that feeling to come back again. But it’s not my choice is it..

While i walk home i start to feel it again, the feeling that im being watched. But no it’s way worse this time. My ears start to ring, and i hear footsteps slowly pick up behind me. I start to run home, it wasn’t far anyway, i could make it! I run into a neighborhood I’ve never seen before, but I’ll do anything just to get away.

A blue light appears above my head and i turn around to see 3 large men with a horrifying smile standing behind me. I turn again to sprint for it until they catch me in a millisecond. “What a fine specimen!!! We shall take your banana for inspection.”

“What the heck does that even mean??? Let me go!!” I hear another pair of footsteps and i see..Ken? And that other girl..

“Get em okarun!!” The girl exclaims, and before my own eyes i see okarun leap forward to one of the men holding me, transforming into something so unknown. The aliens are caught off guard and unhand me while i see that other running behind us, a big set of translucent blue arms emerge from her back and grabs on hold on one of the men and slams him.

“Okarun!! Take the girl somewhere else!! I’ll be safe i promise!” This new…person that is ‘okarun’ sighs in laziness “such a drag..” he picks me up bridal style and starts to speed away into a secluded area where the strange men were sure not to search. He lays me down on the concrete floor and i think i recognize this area, this is a part of my neighborhood thankfully!!

I look up at him in disbelief, “your…ken..?” He was prepping to sprint back to where the other girl was but he looks at me instead “in the flesh.” What was up with his lingo..

“..how are you able to do that?” It’s absolutely incredible, i was totally mesmerized, he’s beautiful! “Dunno, i gotta go. Stay safe babe.” He pats my head and then gets into a crouching start position to run, he sprints off and into the night he goes. What just happened, and he called me babe? How am i going to even talk to him tomorrow??

It takes me a minute to get back up and into shape, i make my way back home and i was later than usual. I make myself comfy, shower and change, and hop right into bed. I shut my eyes and start to recap.

‘Alright, what the hell was going on today. Ken is some secret transforming boy, and i guess his nickname is okarun? This other girl has magical powers and i almost got kidnapped by some disgustingly terrifying ‘men’. Based on what I’ve seen today, were those even men?? Im speechless..’ I continue to yap on in my head until i drift off into slumber.

—

I wake up the next morning trying to figure out if i should just stay home today, but then again i need answers. I quickly hop out of bed and get myself ready while having something small to eat for breakfast. I make my way to campus and i see Ken and that girl again, i really need to get her name..

“Hey Takakura.” While he was speaking to that girl he turns around to look at me, she gives me a glance and her face brightens, it seems like she recognizes me. “Hey y/n, is everything alright?”

“Um yeah no, what even happened last night?? That was totally insane! Do you guys know what was going on it freaked me out, and you turned into some creature and that girl had big arms coming out of her back-“

The girl giggles and cuts me off “okay i know it’s crazy, and I’m momo! What you saw yesterday wasn’t normal i know, it’s a long story. But those men you saw were aliens, thats why they looked so weird. Okarun here has this new ability to transform into something completely new, i have psychic powers.”

My face must have been absolutely confuzzled because they both started to giggle “Don’t worry, we’ll talk more about it at lunch! By the way whats your name?”

“It’s y/n l/n, nice to meet you.” She smiles and rests her arm on my shoulder “Sweet! Cmon okarun, let’s head to class!”

He follows right behind us and my smile fades a bit, that person okarun was…i can feel my heart start to strain. This isn’t good, i think i might like him but every-time i see Okarun and Momo together, they just seem like an unbreakable bond that stays together forever and i might be tinkering and getting in the way of that. I want to go home already.

“Hey y/n, matter of fact how about you come to my place after school? Then we can totally go over everything you’re confused about.”

“Oh, yeah sure! I don’t mind.” They day goes on as it fades into the mist of night. Her house is more larger than i thought, i enter and it has this calming feel to it. I spot Ken taking off his shoes and my hear starts to race a bit, this is making me insane. “Alright Okarun, show em!” I watch him transform again and i see that boy…wow he is so alluring. His droopy sleep eyes and tall slim frame would have anyone at campus falling head over heels

“So this is what you saw yesterday, this form is when he blah blah blah blah…”

I really should have payed attention but i was lost in his thoughtless eyes, and he was staring right back at me. I wonder does this form have the same mind as Okarun or is it someone else? While momo continues to talk, without her noticing he nods his head up at me in a “sup” motion, with his hands in his pockets. He was trying so hard to be cool and he really was. I feel my brain melt to my toes as i nod my head back at him.

“So do you understand?”

I snap back into reality, “Yeah..so what can he really do?”

“Well he can only run really fast, he has no good fighting skills yet.” “Wow, harsh.” He said while leaning back on the wall. Momo takes out her phone and looks at the time, she jumps and shrieks “its really late! Hey how about this, you can come over again tomorrow and we can go over how you’re able to see things like this. Okarun since it’s dark outside and you’re a fast runner, take em home!”

“whatevs, I’m the fastest yo.”

We head out the door and he lets me get on his back. “later y/n!”

Ken gets into the crouching start position again and speeds to my neighborhood “quick, where do ya live” I whisper my home into his ear and he quickens the pace all the way until the destination. He slows and gets down, allowing me to step off his back. I was hesitant to walk into my home and i turn around right before he was going to speed back to momos place.

“Cya on the flip side babe.” Seriously does he call everyone babe…but then i realized he was leaving and as he took off i managed to shout “See you tomorrow!!” I see him wave his hand in the air while he ran, this wasn’t so bad. I lay back in my bed ready to disclose for the night, this is crazy.

Will he be someone i can love or am i just going to be a nuisance..?

—

GUYS I JUST finished watching dandadan please i had to write something y’all idk it set something off in me for real!! bye DIVAS 💜

[mirkomos]

Coming home ~

vigilante deku x A!fab reader

tags⋆𐙚₊˚ a bit angst, fluff, strained relationship, comfort, hurt, vigilante!deku x fem reader, wc:1.1k

story summary⋆𐙚₊˚ your vigilante hero that has been gone for month suddenly knocks on your window on a stormy night, hoping to mend your strained relationship.

Its been months since he left and you still cant wrap your head around it, sometimes you go into his room expecting to see im sitting at his desk—writing in his notebook as usual. But all that theres been is a chilly breeze that meets you when you open the door to his cold room and the letters he left for you.

Foolishly waiting for him to come back..

Its the weekend you’d gone home just to be met with the same cold breeze, same thing as always, parents out on business. Doing your same routine as usual, taking a shower, eating dinner, and turing on the news to see the green flashes of lighting across the city of a certain vigilante. Texts, calls go unanswered— hopelessly expecting an answer every time it shows hes in your area but to no avail. 

Its late—you turn off the tv and decide to start on homework till you hear thuds on your back porch 'probably just someone doing some construction’ you thought going back to your work.

Three knocks on the window..

They took you by surprise—you slowly walk up to the back window, it was to dark to see anything but hints of red.

“Hello...hello who is it?” nothing but a knock on the window again, slowly creeping up to the window to see the shiny reflection of metal and hints on green…it cant be?

You open the window—and there he was, you just paused to process this ‘no way this cant be real’ you reach your hand to bring him inside. Soaked in rain, dirt, blood and his eyes covered by his hood. 

“Hi y/n”

His voice had gotten deeper—almost as if you would hear the hurt he had gone through, “h-hi izuku” your voice was almost shaken ” may i?” you point to his hood, he noods. His hood which was once a green color had now turned dark, with cuts and stains all over it. Gently lifting his hood only to reveal new scars that had taken you aback—your thumb grazing one below his eye.

“Ive missed you…so much”

“I missed you too”

Your eyes getting teary

His arms snaking around you for a hug—he's gotten so much strong in such a short time.

His hero suit covered in thing thats you didn't even know and a certain..odor coming from it “ um do you mind if i..yk” looking at his soiled hero costume. “Yea just..be careful.” so piece by piece you took them off till you got to suit. He groaned as you unzip the suit you see the reason why he told you to be careful—his back was scattered with wounds and scars old and new. Your hand lightly grazing them.

“ what happened?” you ask with a concerning tone 

He laugh in response “ some villains got me pretty good right.”

You furrow your eyebrows in response, he always been one to wipe things off with laughter

“ Let me show you the bathroom” you take his hand and guide him upstairs to the bathroom and turn on the shower “ let me get you some clothes, call me if you need anything.” as you walk out the door 

“ wait ”

You turn back to see his cheeks a blush red color and raise an eyebrow

“ well um…yk im kinda sore and i was wonding if you could help me?”

What?

You can feel you face turn red, did he really just say that? Like get in the shower with him. Sure you guys have been close before like making out, but you've never taken off your clothes in front of each other…you nod in response and slowly creep up to him. Both of you are so tense—your hands slightly shake as you go to help him take off his shirt and pants—you do the same, helping him in the show.

He starts on the things that he can do on his own like his front side, the on trickling off him, a mix of the blood and dirt color running off his body. Groaning every time he reached to his side brushing against his sensitive wounds. “Here let me get that for you.” you stop him and take over yourself.

Washing his greasy hair, soothing his tense muscles and down to his sides

“ why did you come back to me?”

….

“What” he spoke in a soft tone as he turned around to you 

“After all this time, after dozens of unanswered calls and messages…izu why now?” you sniffled, looking up to his with tears in your eyes. Why are you getting so emotional—was it just the presence of him after all this time of not seeing him

He hangs his head down in defeat—bringing his hands up, rubbing his forehead.

“ i-i couldn't be away from you anymore, ive been fighting myself day and day not to go back to UA just to keep you safe. I watch over everyday i see how you are—you go in my room sit o my bed and reread the letter over and over and i wanna just..go in and hold you so tight but i cant…and then today i was passing by the neighborhood and then i saw you…i just couldn't take it anymore so i—” you cut his off with a swift kiss on the lips pulling him by the back of his neck.

He waste no time by pulling you by your back into him, you've been yearning for this for so long that the kiss felt like a lifetime before you pull away—catching your breath 

You look up to him to see his eyes—an iridescent green color, his pupils so dilated.

“ we should get out of here before we get pruney fingers.” you giggle

He nods in response—you get out and wrap in your towel and hand him his, he picks you up and sets you down on the bathroom counter and nuzzles his head in your neck “ ive missed you so much.” he mumbles into your neck—leaving a kiss on your neck. “We should get changed before i freeze to death.” you both change into the pjs you brang and then head downstairs. 

He brings you bridal style to the couch—forcing you into a cuddle, taking in your scent enjoying these few moments that he had with you

“Ive missed this…i've missed you.” he places a soft kiss on your lips.

“Me too, im happy your finally home.”

[opal-owl-flight]

No sign of Rain.

Not easy living with the fact that you hurt someone you just wanted to protect, isnt it.

More context under the cut!

Tldr: 3 realizes that forcing 4 away from the Platoon after Sploon2 the way they did wasnt the best choice. That forcing her to ignore what had happened had most likely contributed to her unable to cope with life beyond war.

(The comic above is from after Sploon3/SO! Situation described below is post Sploon2/OE.)

3 and 4 have been doing missions together awhile. 4s been able to handle herself well, but theres a moment where she trips up and gets hurt a lil more than usual. Like, its to the point where she needs to be taken off the field awhile.

3...

"|Im sorry.|"

"Heh? Three, if it wasnt for you, Id be dead. What are you saying sorry for?"

"|...if it werent for me going away when Octavio stole the Zapfish again...youd never have been dragged into this mess.|"

"Thats not your fault, Three. Cap'n called you away."

3 sighs... "|Still...you couldve been living a life where you never have to worry about your life being put in this much danger.

Or anyone else's life, for that matter.|"

4s the one whos quiet now, as she glances away. 3 does have a point... "...I guess so, yeah. But that wouldve meant that Id never have met you."

Silence sits between them awhile, until 3 grunts softly, to get 4 to look at them again. "|I want you to promise me something.|"

"What is it?"

"|When things settle down again, I want you to leave.|"

"....What?"

"|Live your life away from this. This danger, this war, this...everything.|"

"And leave YOU? Three, you cant do things alone anymore, you KNOW it!"

A clack of their beak. "|Im more capable than you think, Four. Dont think less of me.|"

"Im not- Im not thinking less of you!! Im just stating the facts!"

3s making a low gurgling noise. Its a similar sound an inkfish makes before spitting ink. A sound that says "dont test me."

"Three, Im not leaving. Its already happened... everything -- Octaria, the zapfish, the metro -- its all happened, and I cant just...go back after all of that."

"|Yes, you can. You still can. Youve a life outside this. Why else are you late enough that Marie has given up reprimanding you?|"

4 backs down...3s right. Again.

"...and what about you? Why dont you leave, too? Once...everything is stable."

3s ears droop. "|...theres nothing left for me. Ive thrown my lot with the NSS for as long as I remember. My team barely even recognizes me these days.|"

A silent beat goes by between them again.

"|So promise me. Promise me.| Rain." They rasp her name, making sure she gets the point. "|Promise me you'll live. Promise me you'll go back up there. You said you wanted to go to college -- go. Dont look back. Dont become like me.

I dont want you to become like...this.|"

They gesture to their scar. Their tentacles, forever stained marbled cyan.

4 can see in the gesture the pain they hid in their hearts. The regret. The guilt.

"...Tanara..."

"Live." they rasp, So quietly."Live. Promise me."

"I dont want to leave you alone."

"|Ive been in this war since Ive hatched, and Ive done things on my own before you were dragged into this. You deserve none of this bullshit.|"

"You dont deserve it either!"

3 grips her shoulders. pleading with her. "Promise me. Please promise me. That youll leave."

4 shakes her head. Resolute.

"Im sorry...I cant promise that to you. Youre my friend, Tanara. Im not letting you do this alone."

3... leans against her, defeated. Burying their face into her shoulder. Theyre shaking their head, clutching on her tight.

"...I-Im sorry, I...Ill be more careful next time. Okay? I can...I can promise you that much."

3 remains silent. Thats not what they want. They want her to be safe forever.

"...this really means a lot to you, huh?

Okay.

Ill...Ill think about it."

------------------------

She does eventually decide to leave. Things were looking up for awhile, and missions are much lighter. She can dare to dream bigger now. That and...she cant stand seeing 3 looking so guilty whenever she says something abt her life on the surface.

None of it is their fault. Any of this. But they still feel that theyre taking her away from her "real life".

When she said that shes leaving the platoon, 3s look of jubilation both relieved and pained her. Then a thought hit her, right there.

"...Wait...all this time- did you just want to get rid of me? D-did you not want to be friends anymore?"

3 shakes their head. "|Rain, I asked you to live your dreams as a friend.

Your safety would be guaranteed. Youd be able to happily live your dreams without worry.|"

"...Will I ever see you again?"

3 sighs. "|...hopefully not.|"

4 gasps.

"|No- no-! Not because I dont want to see you-|"

"Tanara, youre making it hard for me to believe that youre doing this for me. What kind of life would I have if youre not there? Not a happy one, Im telling you!!!"

3s shaking as they sign. Trying so hard to keep their breaking mask tight.

"|Im a soldier, Rain. And Ill likely be one til the day I die.

I dont want to drag you back into this mess. I dont want you to get hurt, because of me.|"

Why is it that they always have a point? 4 despairs at the fact.

"So this means goodbye..?"

"|Weve got some days left. Lets make them count.|"

A smile. A bittersweet one.

------------------------

These teenagers goddamn. 3 doesnt understand fully that shit still happened and one cant just leave and pretend nothing had transpired. Or maybe they felt they didnt deserve to have someone as good as 4.

Theyre ruthless in a sense that they know what their goals are. Their goal was to keep the world safe for everyone else to live. And if it means sacrificing their friendship with 4, so be it. If shes safe, their goal is met. Doesnt matter what either of them feel about it. (I suppose 4 getting injured really pushed them to make that choice.)

And 4... yeah, leaving was the smart choice for her personal growth, but agreeing with 3 to sacrifice their friendship wasnt the best choice to agree to. She felt like she cant argue 3 out of that decision they made for the both of them...so she just followed it.

"|Look alive, Rain. Your brand new life awaits you.|"

------------------------

Thats why theyre so flabbergasted and upset that she came back. It felt like that time they spent alone, that sacrifice they made, was all in vain...

"Im sorry, Three. It sucked being away from you. It really did. I failed to live there...maybe my life is really meant to be lived here. On duty.

With you."

Are they disappointed that she failed her brand new life? No, never. They gave her the chance to run away from it all, but she came crawling back after doing so. If she felt that her life is here, after trying something else, so be it.

Thats what convinced them enough to allow 4 to return to duty. Theyll keep her safe another way. They also cant hide from themself the fact that theyre happy to see her again after so long.

[4pfsukuna]

Prof. Nanami puts his two smartest students together for a research project and you just can’t help teasing him…until he teases back.

Black coded reader, cause black af.mdni.

Tapping my long red french tips on the library table i let out another long sigh irritated with my (not chosen by me) partner.

We had been sitting here in silence a dimly lit corner in the back of the library our only exchange was “hey” so what could he possibly be typing.

“So i was thinking we could do our project on—“ i begin to speak taking my hand out of my leather jacket pocket only to be cut off by the dark eyed assailant. 

“No. I’ve already decided” he mutters out not moving his attention from the screen. Resting my chair forward so im no longer leaning i scrunch my nose.

“Theres no way you decided because i didn’t agree” and from the slight view i have of his face i can tell hes rolling his eyes.

This was exactly why i didn’t want to work with him… or anyone. He was quiet, closed off, known as a loner and had these deep dark eyes that felt like he was stairing into the pits of your soul.

“Are you going to do all the work?” I ask with a raised brow before noticing not once has he even looked at me. Pushing even more forward to see what he was typing im unaware of our proximity until i notice the slight red blush covering his cheeks right under the mark on his nose.

Ive completely invaded his space my boobs nearly pouring out of the top of my black crop top and im pressed completely onto his arm.

“Am i making you uncomfortable” i tease and i couldn't help it when you grow up with step brothers like Sukuna and Yuji (our dad wanting to step out of his marriage and explore with an american woman actually explore his kink for black women which in all actuality he had a poor taste in women their mothers who decided it was time for her to live her dreams so she just up and left and mine who shipped me off as soon as she had the birds and bees talk which is all irrelevant since choso is storming out of the library laptop in tow and the last thing i need is to fail this final paper.

Grabbing my oversized purse and slinging it over my shoulder i chase after him and catch him in the hall.

“Wait wait wait” i huff out of breath because these heels were not made for running and he turns around facing me with a bored expression, you wouldn’t even think i offended him.

“Alright that was completely inappropriate and i shouldn’t have joked like that, but i also don’t want to fail or push all the work on you. I want to work on this project together” i breathe out standing infront of him blocking his path but as large as he was compared to me im sure he could step over me if he seen fit.

“What makes you think i want to work with you” he bites out and i let out the arrogant smile that solidified i was Sakunas half sister.

“Do you actually think professor Namami would place  the smartest person in the class with a idiot and have them do all the work? Come on now its Nanami he would put his two smartest pupils together to challenge another and write a final paper hes actually happy to read” i say as if its common sense cause it is. 

Its NANAMI.

I watch the debate in his eyes as he thinks over what i just said before his shoulders drop in defeat. I grin widely sticking my hand out as a form of truce which he painfully takes.

I force myself to bite back the smirk at his clamy hands knowing it was all my doing and use the grip to yank him closer.

“And i would love if you could send me what you have so far so i can begin doing research” i utter lowly licking my lips watching his glare never falter almost as if he's painfully keeping his eyes avoiding my mouth before bidding him goodbye a devious plan forming in my head.

The next afternoon when we meet in the library i offer sweets from a local bakery as an official truce which i can hardly read his expression at.

“Im sorry now that i think about it you dont seem much of a sweets guy” i feel foolish of course he didnt like sweets— my train of thought is interupted by him picking up a creme filled chocolate pastry.

“Shouldnt judge a book by a cover, every smart person knows that” he quipps quickly and my lips twitch in a smile. Ah so he does bite back. 

“Did you call me dumb?” I scoff playfully dropping bait which he quickly takes.

“Does the shoe fit?” He bites back and when i dont respond only send a playful glare i watch as the corners of his lips twitch up feeling proud i could get a smile. “Come on show me your work” 

And we spend the next two hours talking theories and sharing ideas conspiring every concept as his long fingers type away my thoughts later to be put into essay format.

Its not long before he lets out a yawn breaking our silence and i look up at him noticing the bags forming under his eyes slowly being covered by his bangs.

He was actually begining to look disheveled. Two signature buns drooping from running his hands through them bangs more full from the pueces of his buns and the bored expression— actually that was very on brand for him.

“Come on let’s wrap up your tired” i say softly twirling a stand off his bangs around my finger and i knew it was when he was too tired to cover his blush he was exhausted. 

Yup, still got it.

He swats at my hand sending me a pointed look to which i innocently bat my eyes up at him from the seat next to him.

And thats how it goes for the next few weeks smart remarks met by his even more quick witted remarks sometimes followed by a half smirk, my harmless flirting/ teasing which i may have taken too far the day i rested my palm on his inner thigh and he flew out of his seat claiming he needed to use the bathroom only returning 10 minutes later saying he had to leave.

Or the day he asked me to proof read a page leaning away from his computer so i could take it instead i lean forward hand resting on his shoulder unaware just how close his face was to my—

Both occasions i had to bring apology pastries.

And the more time we spent together the more i learned about Choso. How smart he is, what makes him tick, his favorite foods, what makes him blush the way i thought he was a boob man but ive caught his gaze on my thighs several times and i may purpousely wear shorter skirts on days i know were going to be together.

Today was no exception.

The only thing i hadn’t planned on was the air conditioner being on full blast. Probably my karma from the universe wearing the tiniest of clothes to tease him.

“Oh no were going to have to finish another day its freezing in here” i shiver crossing my arms over another trying to huddle into myself for warmth. The black (extreme)  mini skirt with short sleeve white shirt that had bows tying the back together with Sukunas red varsity jacket was such a cute look until he realized i was wearing his jacket and took it . He was now my least favorite brother and yuuji was in the lead, which he typically always was given his competition.

“What?!” Choso nearly begins to foam at the mouth. “Its our last day and were so close to being done we can actually submit it now and im sure we would get an A still” he quickly rambles out dropping our stuff on the table we usually took up. The library was nearly empty so him being loud was no bother at all to anyone probably because most students didnt know where the library was.

“So submit it, I dont do the cold” i shrug ready to grab my bag when he begins taking off his jacket placing it on my shoulders pulling my hair from put under the collar and going to his work.

“Probelm solved, now sit” he bites put and id never seen this side of him but it was kind of a turn on and probably karma rearing her head into me again because through all the teasing i developed a tiny crush on Choso. Like tiny though.

Super tiny.

Extremely tiny.

So tiny i couldnt help but flirt with him every chance i had and notice all his favorite things and Damn did his jacket smell good.

So tiny i knew every detail of the scar on his face and how it swerves slight over the bridge of his nose not just cause it curves but—

Damn his jacket smelled… good wasnt a strong enough word. I was feeling intoxicated from how sensational his jacket smelled.

My crush was so tiny i made sure to bring his favorite pastries every tuesday and thursday because the way he smiled could brighten up my whole day.

My crush was so tiny i wasnt thinking about using my rose tonight to the smell of his jacket and the way he demanded me to sit down.

Imagine hearing that in the be—

Feeling a tight grip on my thigh my head snaps over to him and his eyes give me that bored yet slightly annoyed expression. 

“Stop fidgeting, its driving me insane and just let me finish typing the rest of what you wrote” he says like he cant wait to be done and i pout knowing this would be the last time we’d get to spend together. My crush would stay just that.

My eyes trail down noticing his buff arms veins sticking out something id never notice before. Has he always worked out. Going down even further i notice the silver rings spread across his fingers and almost choke.

I was going to need 10 minutes in the bathroom if he didnt move his iron grip. I just had one question.

“Have you ever fingered a girl with all your rings on?” I blurt… and this time it was a genuine mistake. Of all the shit ive said this was the one i completely wish i didnt.  I was actually okay with us never speaking again, Sukuna says we should never have shame but i bet he would never do something like that.

Ok yes he would.

“Do you want to be the first?” I hear and nearly fall off the table if it wasnt for his iron grip on my thigh. I thank God for my brown complexion because my cheeks feel hot and I’m lost for words completely. Its when he begins to chuckle that i realize he was just giving me a taste of my own medicine. The weeks of comments and sexual innuendos id thrown at him and couldn’t handle one.

I feel the proud smile grow on my face and unknowingly squeeze my thighs together slightly squirming the idea still playing in my mind. 

“What if i said yes” i retort watching as he becomes flustered and that adorable blush comes back to his cheeks.

“Would it make you stop… moving your thighs so much” he struggles his hand moving to my other thigh squeezing  and i grin knowing he had a thing for them and he can no longer hold back. His eyes meet mine until i lean forward placing a few soft kisses on his lips.

“Promise”

Ok that was a lie. It was all a lie.

Sitting on his right leg, my back pressed up against his chest and 2 of his fingers buried inside me the squirming absolutely hasn't stopped but it doesn't seem to affect him one bit as he edits the last bits of parts i wrote for our project.

“This is so good sweetheart, how about a third finger?” He ask rhetorically lips brushing against my ear and i'm so close to cumming at Dom!Choso cause whewwwww what a turn on. He curls his two fingers up as if he’s trying to pull the orgasm from inside of me and my legs clench together trying not to make too much of a mess.

He chuckles right against my ear and I'm losing myself at the stimulation, Biting my lip as he uses a third finger on my clit. My vision begins to blur and I feel myself about to cum for a second time.

“Look at you trying so hard to hold back those gorgeous moans after you spent the past month teasing me, fucking with me… mmm so wet” he groans in my ear spreading my lips causing the squelching sound to be louder. His fingers brush a particular spot deep in my core making me fall apart as I bite my lip harder cherry lip gloss mixing with the iron taste of blood.

“I love every little sound you make Why try and hide it from me, would you really deny me?” He kisses up my neck using his other hand to pull my bottom lip from my mouth releasing a string of curses, his fingers never stopping their exploration of my walls.

He did show mercy, slowing down other hand snaking up my shirt cupping a boob until his fingers found my nipple. 

“You're so wet for me… just me” he groans his teeth leaving marks down my neck to my shoulder and the idea of him being slightly possessive wanting to mark me so everyone knew i was his? My insides clench and he hums at the feeling.

His fingers pick up the pace once more and I have to close my eyes to hold on to every drop of restraint I have left between the way his fingers are moving expertly inside of me, the contrast of his warm hands to the cold rings on his fingers. I could stay here forever, one hand clutching his bicep the other on his thigh.

“Ch-choso i—mmmmm” i try to get out feeling my hips have a mind of their own grinding down on his fingers needily unaware of how he had me completely wrapped around them. He bites onto my neck and my release follows earning a groan from him as im left panting in his lap. What i dont expect to hear is the wet sound of him licking each of his fingers and the sight has me wet all over again my heart racing.

He chuckles pulling my chin toward him as he places his lips on mine i instantly kiss back gently sucking on his bottom lip earning a groan from him. He doesnt hesitate as his hands rub my thighs gripping and squeezing our tongues dancing together until he slowly pulls away lips and cheeks both red. 

“Lets go” i murmur placing another soft kiss on his lips only to receive a confused look.

“Yuji and Sukuna both are going to a party so they wont be back until 7am… i have a free house where i dont have to worry about being quiet”

[the-bonfires-ember]

ive been thinking about that thing people say about mental illness. yknow, 'its not a part of your personality' 'dont make it your identity' etc

but when you have a personality disorder, that doesnt really make sense anymore.

which makes my feelings on cluster b pride flags a little conflicted. coz, sure, it is fundamentally a part of your personality and certainly shapes your identity, but something about pride flags has always been off to me. perhaps especially as a person with aspd.

now, sure, on the one hand i get it. theres something appealing about having that kind of validation that you arent alone, especially when you are constantly masking and shifting who you are to fit the situation best.

we might have antisocial personality disorder but we are still, at our core, social creatures. we still desire community, we're just also afraid of it.

so yeah, a banner of community and others 'like us' seems fair enough, right?

BUT

theres still something... off to me about it. what it was, exactly, only came to me after a discussion with my partner about DID and PluralKit - yeah i know, im diving into plural drama now, lfg i guess

they showed me an infographic about the process of DID recovery which showed the progression from very disconnected and separated identities to a more blended 'final fusion' (a term they take issue with but thats a different story). i said that PluralKit must be confusing for people on the later ends of the spectrum they were showing me because, at that point, how do you tell who is blending with who? when the lines are blurry, how do you know who to tag yourself as? it seemed like an inhibitor to recovery if you were constantly cutting yourselves off from each other. (this is not me saying anything one way or the other about plurals and recovery in DID or whatever the fuck else, im just using this as an example. stfu i dont care about your opinions on any of this so dont waste your breath)

i think my feelings on aspd flags is somewhat similar. coz i mean, they are pride flags, right? and i think if you are taking pride in being aspd then you are far more likely to lean into your symptoms, and i think thats a slippery slope to go down and has just a very 'anti-recovery' vibe, if you know what i mean.

with that all said, i also very much think that if you dont want to recover, you dont have to. i dont think you can force anyone to recover and i dont think you should even try to. recovery is fucking shit and its hard and if you arent ready for it, you are just going to hurt whoever you are trying to make recover.

but i also think that you can have that opinion, whilst also being a voice for recovery, and be against 'anti-recovery' thinking.

because look, like it or not aspd is a fucking disorder. and at some point that becomes unhelpful or it wouldnt be a disorder. symptoms of aspd are debilitating and pretending otherwise that helps nobody. especially with all the 'all pwASPD are evil' scum out there.

so yes, i think the pride flags are... unhelpful at best and harmful at worst. but what about the other stuff? the creatures alla tbh creature and the plushiedreadful rabbit? (i think both of those designs suck btw but thats not the point)

idk those feel like they are in a different category. theres not really a sense of pride in those, more a sense of comfort. again, community, but also a sort of softness(??) that the pride flag things seem to miss - especially when they are like 'vampire aspd' or 'evil aspd' or any of the other bullshit things ive seen out there. i guess they are also just way more 'mental illness' coded than pride flags are.

pride flags have always been a 'we're here and theres nothing wrong with us' kind of thing. but the creatures and the bears are more lighthearted and sort of making fun of the conditions a little bit. highlighting symptoms and coping mechanisms. just look at the imocreature - specifically the worm one which is my favourite - and the way its able to be so pathetic looking and cute. its not meant to be cool or badass or whatever else, its just a lil guy that gets sad without supply.

which, yknow, relatable.

[cherrylite17]

Perfect 10 liners ep 3 (spoilers)

I swear to god i thought i made this post like 3 days ago wtf.

first note, even though i have not posted anything re: the first two episodes, I will say that i currently like the show. I am fully treating this show as three shows packed up in one show. (I'm thinking skam where the seasons were following the same people but different main characters each season except this show does not have seasons)

I originally was not sure if i wanted to watch this show, aside from force and book I dont really know much about the other two ships and even still i havent really watched many force book shows fully so i was fully convinced i wouldnt like the show

Theres still a chance i wont like the show but right now the first two episodes have been funny. yeah I know, im a sucker for silly goofy sound effects and cuts and this show is doing it. its also (i think) the same director as we are and I LOVED we are so we'll see!

I think it is interesting that Arc likes Arm and is actually going for it, unlike most shows where theyll beat around the bush around this, I cant wait for Arc to "find out" that Arm was the one who posted that photo of him because i am fully convinced he already knows and is so ready to mess with Arm when he "finds out" (though i hope hes not too mean about this)

ANYWAY, ONTO THE THIRD EPISODE!

not me saying that i was interested in the arm arc storyline only for the show to IMMEDIATELY switch off of their story line sigh

nvm i spoke too soon, back to arrmarc! NOT PUN AND JET KNOWING LOL THATS SO CUTE

also not the new car being a product placement

i also find it lowkey INSANE that this man got you into an accident, said he would never hurt you again, and then all of a sudden youre so fine with it. Like not even a little bit of "you know what, give me like a week before i get into your car" i know this is probably for us to see and assume that Arm already likes Arc even though he won't admit it but like… girl this man is being lowkey (highkey) rude af and mean to you and i get that youre idk,,, pushing it off because hes your senior but like i do not CARE how senior someone is to me and how much i like someone, if they got me into an accident, im probably not going in their car for a while.

NOT THE AGGRSSIVE TYPING "dont forget to apply the medicine :p"

I also found this restaurant part so out of the blue? I know hes all like "well you said youre getting to know me now" but like bro you are in a sweaty ass jersey right now like go to either home or a street stall where there isnt an expectation on being dressed fancy.

fish on the balcony? 😭

poor po being stuck between two lovesick boys (bro is literally me)

if Arc thinks that this heart rate is "racing" bro would probably think i was dying if he heard my resting heart rate.

oh 😃 thats one way to end an episode. bro really said, yeah im gonna give my gear to you (because we will be dating) Im lowkey getting sotus vibes from their relationship at least right now. Like one mean guy who is the older senior and also has the explicit (kinda) role of taking care of the junior in terms of academics and school life and then a stubborn junior and also the giving of the gear (which ive heard is like a cultural think kinda so i cant really see that and be like OMG

ITS SOTUS!!!) but uh (cultural may not be the word im looking for but i feel like in canadian eng programs (dont wanna be to general and say all canadian university programs) we dont really have something like this, where you get something from the school and give it to the person you are dating as like a cute thing, maybe a canadian can correct me if im wrong tho) the confidence on this man i wish i had even half of that

FINAL THOUGHTS

once again another engineering show making me (an engineering student) feel lonely and sad about my own life 💀

i feel like i dont have any insight on this episode (not that i ever have) but maybe as the show goes on and i get used to making these posts again i will

that being said, I am sick and gosh darn tired of this fucking trope (?) where you can be mean to someone as a way of "flirting" with the other person. I mean even po and sand were all like "if I didnt know any better i'd think hes flirting with you" like maybe its just difference in cultures but if a friend came up to me and talked about someone in the way that Arm was talking about Arc in the first two episodes i would stongly encourage that friend to stay the fuck away from that person, like why are we making it okay again to bully people as a way of flirting with them (i guess you could argue that in this case its less bullying and more like teasing (which whatever) but my point still stands, i wish that shows would do this trope less or at the very least have some genuine consequences to this bad behaviour. and NO getting Arm hurt in the car accident is not a consequence to Arc for his bad behaviour, like sure he felt guilty about it but obviously Arm had no grudges held against him for that (i'm talking i want genuine serious like… idk how to put it. and this show may not be the best example ( again, maybe this is more teasing than it is bullying) but if someone treated me as bad as some main characters treat their love interest they would not be getting a chance from me (to which you might argue, "well if you like that person before then even if theyre mean to you they would get a chance" but thats often not the case in these shows, like main character 1 is mean for no fucking reason and main character 2 is like i hate you…. wait a minute I LOVE YOU!!! and there is no real consequence to main character 1s actions, they have no real reason to change)) but anyway thats neither here nor their as i am currently liking this show but given the time that the show is taking place (2 main couples are already established) i am wondering i… idk i forgot what i was gonna say

[gamblersdoll]

ITS THE MATTER OF IT … chapter 4

tw: mentions of busts, nasty things.

for a better reading experience, please listen to the following songs “i will possess your heart” by chained to the bottom of the ocean and “kaizoku” by ibaraki on spotify, apple music, or youtube. enjoy!

your heart was racing, but not out of fear.

not by anxiety, but by defense.

“its been a while, y/n.” sukuna said, how could he say that when you havent even met him before? “its been a while since ive seen that face.”

so this is what he kind of looked like. tattoos on his face made yuuji look rugged. but if you had to ruin it, then oh well be it. you should arm yourself, you had thought to yourself. it seemed like sukuna already understood it.

“theres no need to defend yourself, i already said you wouldnt be harmed unless you provoke me.” he chuckled, getting closer and examining you. his eyes felt like he would’ve devoured you, like a damn maniac. he more than likely would have if it was his thing or not.

“the only thing thats changed is your tits.” he said amused. he eyed them, licking his teeth as if wanted to bite them. you wouldve felt your face get hot from the king of curses talking about it….

but you didnt.

“what is it.” you meant to sound like a question was being asked, but because of your tone and demeanor it sounded like you were talking at sukuna, not to. luckily for you, he didnt catch onto that, instead he looked happy that you were at least speaking.

“you know what,” sukuna paused, lowering his gaze. “you surely dont think that i was just making an appearance to say hi, do you? or do you not believe you are the reinca-“

“–i am not some reincarnation!” you growled out, cutting him off. that shouldve been a mistake on your end, but for some reason he didnt care. “im just … me.” you trailed off.

“you look the same way you did a thousand years ago, little one.” he chuckled, practically in your face. you bet he only smelled decent since yuuji was decent with hygiene. “whether you like it or not, you are. eventually, youll grow happy that you are— or maybe just comfortable with the fact that you and i…” he took his finger and pointed back and forth between himself and you.

“we have history. whether the memories or knowledge comes to you, we do. and there isnt anything you can do.” he laughed, his pearly whites on display and he put his hands on your shoulders. “now that you are here though…”

“why didnt you say anything back then.” he asked, when the fuck did he have you cornered? this was bad, real bad.

“yes, because i completely remember what exactly happened during a thousand years ago.” you sarcastically said, rolling your eyes. “remind me of what happened with–“ you made air quotation marks with your fingers, “me and you?”

“we were close, you had feelings i guess yaddy yadda yadda.. you developed hanahaki disease, you died.” sukuna recalled, growing sarcastic as well. “why didnt you say anything to me?” he asked, growing serious again.

“realistically speaking, if i were to admit my feelings to you, you either wouldnt care, youd laugh in my face while laying down with another woman, or would just kill me and move on with your life.” you said in a matter of factly tone, he was a cursed spirit after all.

could he even experience love like emotions at all?

“you could be wrong, considering how strong you were before.” he said, which made your ears ring.

did this motherfucker call you weak?

“are you saying im weak?” you asked, planning to make a move, which could result in sudden death or a missing limb if he felt forgiving.

“not exactly, but since you are reincarnated, we never know if youre rusty or your strength depleted.” he said, taking several steps back. “if you land a blow on me, ill take back what i said, and ill settle with any conditions you may have for me.”

“and if not, then you have to accept that you are what people say you are, and youll have to work under me.” he said—

a challenge.

and a challenge that granted you authority in some areas.

…

…..

……

a challenge that seemed unrealistic!

you had been working your ass off to land a blow, not even bothering to use your domain. you were simply out of breath, your hair a mess from the constant movement.

“this isnt the beginning of you, y/n.” sukuna had said with his hands in his pockets. he was certainly worried you had lost your abilities over a thousand years, but he also thought you were always a teasing woman.

come on, y/n, think.

think, goddamnit, think!

would it.. work on him?

you ran towards him knowing he would throw his hit first—

until black particles floated in the air, forming in the shape of the human skeleton. sukuna’s eyes widen, focusing on the black matter in-front of him, bringing its fist back to throw a punch—

until he realized that you were also landing a blow into his abdomen, now having to deal with a blow in the face but also in his beloved stomach.

a reversed curse technique, is what made you, you. you could separate your soul from your body into black matter, allowing the soul to fight with you, along side of your original body. making you somewhat immortal, only in certain circumstances would it kill you.

only one knew of this technique… only one had done it successfully a thousand years ago, against sukuna, and won.

sukuna had looked away and spat, laughing at nothing. you had landed a blow– two matter of fact. he then looked at you, and smiled.

“what do you feel?” he asked, he knew you had to have felt it, too.

deja vu.

“ive… been here before.” you admitted, watching him smile the wicked grin he carried.

———

“so… what did you tell him?”yuuji asked, eating his burger on your bed that you specifically told him not to do. he had laid down plastic wrap around him though to not ruin your satin silk bedding, which you’d appreciated.

“he doesn’t cause mass destruction, him not killing anyone unless necessary, and how hed teach me some things since i had won.” you said, eating a chicken philly. yuuji had since learned you loved them, occasionally eating steak philly but preferring chicken. so, the boy had brought you one. what a sweetie.

“oh! well.. thats good— hey i think we should sleep, since nobara had planned for us to hang out tomorrow all day.” he reminded, getting up and leaning down to hug you.

when did you both decide to start hugs, was beyond you.

“goodnight!” yuuji said, waving at you and you only replying with a “night.” made him smile. only when he reached his bed was when it went down hill for him…

or uphill?

“can you please stop talking about it?” yuuji asked sukuna, sukuna had decided to breakdown what had happened with you and him. but sukuna was infact a perv— of course he was, hes a curse!

“you dont look at y/n and think about how deep you could go in that–“ yuuji had cut sukuna off,

“stop it!” yuuji had growled out at him, only causing sukuna to laugh uncontrollably at his little outburst. “shes more than that!”

“well of course she is, but you gunna sit here and tell me you wouldnt tap that?” sukuna had asked, growing curious. yuuji had stayed quiet, ignoring the question until he thought about you.

the way you said his name, the way you walk, how you didnt take anything, the way you eat…

the way your shirt would tighten around certain areas of your body, the length of your legs. he had let out a frustrated sigh. he would feel bad if he did anything like that to the thought of you, like he was the biggest perv in the world…

but did you think like that about him, too?

honorable tags: @lisaaannna @coldbreadbouquetworld all reposts and shares are appreciated to see more of my work!

…

…..

(chapter 2 of “THE WARM THE COLD THE SIX coming soon!)

[highoncatfood]

cna i hear more of ur thots on suns violent arc? :3

ok so keep in mind tht this is wholly jst my personal interpretation of the song and also ive been in a very similar situation so i might be projecting a bit sometimes . also i might be mixing in some of my already existing interpretaions of laughingfish with it cuz its all one big tangled mess in my mind so srry if it feels like im pulling stuff out of my ass lol . but like whetevr ok here click read more

keywords for my interpretation of this song: sentimentality, loneliness, understanding, comfort, attachment, moving on, hope

the narrator is a deeply broken person. shes been hurt in the past, many times, by many people. she always tried and longed to find a place where she could feel like she belongs, but bcuz of her nature something always seemed to be missing in her, sth that would make it possible for her to fit in. shes been lonely her whole life, keeping all these feelings and the desire to love and be loved inside her, thinking that she wont ever be able to share it with anyone. until one day she met someone, someone maybe jst as broken and lost as her, who finally understood. and theyve been together for years, they grew so close they understood each other like no one else ever could. they became inseparable, so attached and sharing in their struggle of existence. and so even once she realized that what they had wasnt healthy, that it was codependent and unsafe, it was jst simply too hard to let it all go. all ur life u were broken, had no place u belonged. u finally found it and now ur supposed to completely cut off the only person who u felt like finally 'gets u'? u know how much they hurt u, u know how hard uve tried to help them, to fix things between u two and how futile it was, and u know u have to get out of there to feel safe again. and yet it still hurts. bcuz u also know that there were moments of joy and comfort, u know that despite everything they made u feel understood, and it felt good to have had someone who cares and someone to care for, someone u could make smile. uve become so used to their company uve been willing to forgive or look past all their flaws and damaging behaviors for the sake of trying to maintain that comfort of having someone who understands. and even tho u realize how badly they hurt u, u get sentimental abt all the time u two spent together. and so even when u finally leave, there is that feeling of sadness, u might even feel like its a shame that it had to end this way. bcuz even tho ur finally free, u now wonder if there ever will be anyone else who will understand u jst as well as they did, bcuz no one else ever has before. uve gone thru so much conflict during all those years that u cant be sure what it even was that brought the two of u together. all u know is that there is no way to make it work. and so all u can and have to do is leave and have hope for a better life from now on. and even tho u feel all this anger and resentment and pain abt what they did to u, u believe that they can find that better future for themselves as well

(ALSO on a more meta level- its worth mentioning that suns violent arc is one of the songs written in 2022, as rooks bandcamp page says, and in LOSE YOURSELF there is the line 'and the sun comes up in a violent arc / no matter where i go'. LOSE YOURSELF was written and rewritten in between 2022 and 2024. all this to say that i assume theres been alot of change in rooks approach to the whole situation over time and so whtever semi-positive outlook thts present in suns violent arc might be kinda 'outdated' so to speak. since LOSE YOURSELF is very straightforward and seems to hav way more bitter feelings abt the whole thing in it. esp when comparing lyrics such as 'but when youre there / i am someone better' and 'i thought i was becoming a better person'. overall i think the 2 songs r very connected blah blah blah)

HOWEVER there is also another way to interpret it that ive been thinking abt, which is to look at it as current rook talking to the 'other her'. (altho admittedly i have way less coherent thoughts abt that one so bear with me)

in which case it wouldve been more like her finding herself again, realizing that she doesnt have to find anyone else to be able to 'share' all the love inside her. she can channel it into her own self and that can make her feel jst as free and safe. its like realizing that yeah, maybe there isnt anywhere i belong and no one who can understand me, but maybe i dont need that as long as i can learn to love and know myself. to connect with my inner child and live for her and thus be able to live for myself. yeah ive been hurt, and the past cant be changed and the impact of the ppl who hurt me has left its marks on me, but as long as i focus on taking care of myself and letting myself be the real me, all the pain ive been subjected to becomes nothing more than mere background noise. protecting and taking care of ur inner self is what makes u believe u can have a brighter future

….. anndddd ok thats everything i know how to articulate and put into words . THANK U for the ask i have so many thoughts and mixed feelings abt this album but it is. so. so good

edit: btw this is not me at all trying to speculate wht happened to rook etc. jst interpreting the lyrics solely in the context of the rest of the album and occasionally connecting it to laughingfish lyrics. not my business whtever personal irl stuff happened

[eeyes]

I dont have any friends or support near where i live and havent since i moved here 2017….. I guess it should be obvoous but ifeel alone more and more because my family completely does not care about me.

I dont leave the house at all bc i cant drive, i have medicare covered transportation for medical appointments, but ive given up on those bc they add up to 4 hours extra for waiting and if the weathers bad and its outside office hours after the appointment im waiting outside, or if im sick waiting in the lobby chairs takes so much out of me. Im depending on my dad who works full time for transportation and i always feel guilty because hes missing work.

The other person in my house who can drive is my sisters gf and at this point my relationship with her is the reason i need to leave this house immediately and i dont know how to make that possible. She used to drive me to appointments when i was fully wheelchair bound and she would sleep through appointments and cancel without notice or get mad at me bc i told her on short notice when i had appointments, bc i had memory issues/brain fog and could barely remember where i was at any given point.

When i starteyd regaining mobility i took charge of my humanity and told her she was evil for guilt tripping me for the missed appointments, when it was her fault. Sometimes it was my fault too but she couldnt own up to her missing appointments~2months of appointmwnts that made my case manager drop me from her file. Bc every morning i came in and the excuse was the same, my sisters gf had “insomnia” last night, when i saw that all last night she had been playing on the computer laughing it up getting drunk. And when SHE had therapy appointments she magically took responsibility and whent to bed on time. No one wants to hear how bad of a person they are so she does not want to hear the truth of her actions.

Because i did not let her gett away with gaslighting me on my missed appontments being her fault when i literally couldnt walk & had no other transportation options, she refuses to help me with transportation anymore, regardless of emergencies. I dont ask anymore but recently i scheduled a blood test concurrently with my sister (the one who is dating her) cuz i needed tested for diabetes, immune system, baselines for antibiotics. Brought up that i still badly needed the blood tests done to sisters gf, she told me the 2 of them already got it done without me, and literally laughed in my face and said “i dont owe you anything”. Shes laughed in my face and gaslit me and dehumanized me for my disability constantly. P much everyone in the house just looks the other way or tells me to put up with it.

My dad said he was going to start looking for a different job several months ago and hasnt been able to because hes constantly strecthed thin helping me with transportation and i feel completely useless. i cant drive, i cant get a job, i cant physically help anymore because my body is a piece of shit. We’re always paying for broken ass stupid shit in the house and theres always 10 other broken things.

I gave my dad an ultimatum like fully last month to cut off my sisters gf from his credit card and he still hasnt done it. Hes shown me she spent $500 in a month without reason, and she uses his card for gas for every outing. Her and my sister get takeout/fast food every day or multiple times a day and get their own separate groceries. They can buy their owm gas. My dad agrees but hes too scared to confiscate the credit card bexause that means an argument.

My sisters gf is financially leeching off my dad and it beyond bothers me. She brags about how she makes more than a full time minimum wage job here, p sure she makes more than that now tho . Cuz i criticized her when they were complaining about getting cut off from food stamps cuz they legally do not qualify and were lying about their income levels🕴️🕴️🕴️ Shes impulse buying all the time physical items, and most of it id dont even see bc its digital.

Meanwhile her and my sister do not share any of their food and criticize us for eating “gross greasy unhealthy food”. Dont help us by buying/sharing groceries… Yeah i wonder why we are eating poor people food. I literally keep eating actual expired food and they had a full blown argument the other day bc i ate a 70¢ package of ramen that was apparently my sisters gfs even tho i got permission.

Every time i talk to my therapists/case managers its just the same back and forth. “We literally cant help you as long as youre living there all we can do is focus on ~mindfulness~…” And there is no government assisted option for me. Im well aware. I think id rather be homeless at this point.

So there is a group home that im supposed to have an intake session with, i think this was before christmas. Christmas is the worst time of the year. I live in a hoarder house and the pile is so bad im tripping over shit in my own bedroom now. When i need to use my cane i just stay in bed all day because theres no clear path and no one gives a fuck about cleaning to help me. But i just keep crying because i dont know why its taking so long to even get to this fucking intake appontment.

The water heaters broken and takes like 3 hrs to warm up so i keep struggling to take showers. I have 2 exposed nerves in my teeth i was supposed to gwt treated and everyone got covid, i just hope we’re not still contagious but at this point i can barely eat anymore. I need to see a gynecologist (not psyched and it probably wont go anywhere bc of trauma) bc my period cramps are so bad every month painkillers dont do anything anymore and im missing several days every month having to cancel everything…

I keep rhinking about trying to make friends near me and then im like. Dude you are retarded and poor and have nothing to offer you are less than a dog. Theres nothing challenging that bc thats what my family members tell me to my face daily. I know i need to gain community but i cant overcome the fact that i am seriously worthless. And i dont live in the city proper, that makes it worse, so to any prospective friends (ft wayne btw…❤️‍🩹) you have to go out of your way to pick me up.

Realistically ill be way better mentally when im not here, right now. exactly where everything in my house and physical health is but when its this bad dude i wanna die. And its not gotten any better it jjst gets worse and i have NO CONTROL over it. I want out of indiana. I dont want to live in ft wayne/my town. I dont want to live in this house… I cant imagine liking the place you live in even vaguely… I hate everything about where i live…

So i need to do the group housing intake… But im really worried it wont pan out bc in general every single government asisstnace gets denied for me bc i live with family and we have enough income just have a dysfunctional home, dont need food stamps etc. Like if i needed a caregiver they would point at one of my family members and not rly care that none of them are going to do it or even the ones that care, dont have time/energy… The government doesmt care about disabled people and im slipping through the cracks… I just want out and i think if i gamble everythinf on this im gonna lose it

Nothing… thats all… I just need somethinf anything literally anything positive in my life i keep crying my eyes out before bed because im always ruminating on how my family treats me. Its not even the broken house shit its the fact that i dont feel safe in the kitchen or downstairs (sister/her gf’s bedroom are downstairs) anymore, little things like my laundry got taken out of the wash and left to mold and my face washrags thrown behind the toilet and its clear who did it, and ppl are like, well, maybe it was an accident? Maybe youre reading into it too much? The fact that i could ask for a ride to the ER and she’d be like. No. Let me go ask your dad who works full time paying for everything whos currently in a work meeting to drive you instead or otherwise i can make your medicaid payments use 1/4th their yearly max by calling an ambulance

[subjectivemortality]

Letter 8. January. Winter.

To the Light shining through my window illuminating my coffee, (I'd send you a picture youd like it. But the printer.... you know how they are in offices.)

Today has been one of those days in which the world feels both so very loud and way too silent. Those days when stress or fear or anger or maybe even panic slowly puts their hands around your throat making it hard to breathe. So I write once more to you. I knew I had to when I saw the skies open up letting some light in. It had been snowing for so long that it felt significant that the light finally broke through. So I sat down and grabbed this paper and write these words. Unsure of what to say. I feel like theres always so much unsaid. I wish we were having coffee instead of this piece of paper. Id ask you how your day had been. How the quails are doing. What your plans are. Id ask to see any new work you mightve made or any book that has caught your intrest. Id love to simply hear you talk. You speak with such... joy. Its infectious. For a moment it all feels so normal. As if we're really friends.

But alas. You are not here. You cannot be here. And I cannot be there. I dont think I could look you in the eye. I couldnt even send these other letters. I wonder if that was the last time ill see you. Wouldn't that be bitter sweet yet so fitting? I am what I am and as proven to myself Im better off alone. If only I wasnt so weak for your kindness and hospitality.

I wish I could give you that kindness back. But these hands were not made to hold you. These hands are rough and would drop you if we were to dance. These hands only shed blood. And apperantly write depressing letters. Christ.

I dont know how to tell you that I miss you in a way that wouldn't hurt you. I miss you but I shouldn't speak to you. Itd be cruel of me to tell you, to find contact only to cut it off right after. But god. Maybe I want you to not listen to me. Maybe I want you to call me coward. Maybe I want you to dance with me anyways. That these hands may hold you even if you may fall. I wish you could tell me that itd be okay either way. But I know it doesnt work like that.

This is just wishful thinking. Its as close to prayer I know how to get.

Im sorry belle. For everything. For ever continuing to chat. For all ive said. And for all Ive done. I hope you may have forgiveness for me. I hope that you dont.

[The letter was quickly discarded to the never send pile with the others. The coffee already forgotten for a regular beer.]

@inbetween-beast-and-man

She's in the garden when it reaches her. It does reach her - of course it does. You can't pray to a goddess, even in letter form, and not expect her to feel it. Belle doesn't get very many prayers that are actually directed at her, but even if she had a cacophony of them to contend with she suspects that she'd still be able to pluck his voice out of the mix.

She's in the garden with a book, and the prayer-letter-apology-plea reaches out and settles into her bones, weighs them down with the aching heaviness of his regret before the words even form inside her. If she were better she'd respect his privacy (surely he doesn't Know he's doing this, right? He could just text her. Why would he be doing this? Why would he do this?) and look away. But she's not better, so she looks, and she lets herself ache alongside him, lets herself grieve...something. She's always grieving, there's no escape from it. So that grief gets tucked in alongside all the others. Roots pull up from the earth to brush against her skin, wrap around her where she lays against the ground, soothing a melancholy she doesn't know how to explain. She tangles her fingers in them (the fingers of her good hand- the other just twitches, lets the roots envelope it like the rotting core of a cocoon) and she breathes deep until the connection passes and the ache subsides.

When she went through her apotheosis again, she swore up and down that she wouldn't be the type to ignore anyone who reached out to her through prayer. Even just an acknolwedgement. Even still. It's the only prayer she knows she won't answer.

[odysseys-blood]

ive been having fun looking through the cards on the intimacy page and seeing what all i can understand/intepret from them and i just wanna ramble a bit about each so thats going under the cut (currently i have owyn, delos, xiel, mishe and heigl so just them until i get the others. also a little bit spoilery ofc)

no particular order so starting w/ mishe

his has the most obvious pieces i think. cityscape with a clock tower when he was raised in one after being taken in by his grandfather. books on shelves surrounding him because thats how he preferred to live etc etc. i think the stars in the inner circle could represent the sky that he loved to watch at the top of the tower during the evenings dotted with stars with everything still and calm. * i think what im most interested in is the outer ring (w/ the zodiac symbols) bc it looks a little like a magic circle and might be a nod to where he was originally from also hes got a very calm and neutral pose but i dont think theres much to glean from that

even with how much time has passed and heigl knowing his wife is dead and gone it still looks like hes waiting for her. which is funny considering her name which i have been ao sad about for days. If you didnt know, her name was Laica (which im sure is supposed to be said like laika. yknow the dog that was sent to space on a one way trip) and she left one day (on their anniversary no less) and didnt come home. but hes still there and he looks like hes thinking hard, probably about all the time he missed spending with her in favor of work. theres ofc also the gravestones at the bottom and the candles for a vigil. also did a quick look because i noticed the roses in his hand and scattered around the edges, and 3 (in his hand) can mean "i love you" and 8 (around the borders) can be a symbol of appreciation. also the roses in the border look like theyre on textile and from his backstory laica seemed to enjoy sewing and knitting.

ok from here i have a bit less to say/its a lot less concrete continuing:

owyn's looks the most peaceful to me tbh. out of all of the ones ive seen hes the only one thats smiling and seemingly content. what i will point out though are two things: one being the eagle, which im wondering is just a bird he might know or if its the one that was the messenger between helsinf and whoever it was that was warning him about people pursuing beastmen like owyn, and the other being the flowers in the border. unlike with heigl's theyre kind og hidden behind the border designs which feels to me like it represents his past with experimentation (and from what i can tell it was probably experiments eith the vialis curse). i wonder if he still thinks about it at all

i think the first thing i noticed is just how. empty delos' feels. like its still just as elaborate as the others so i dont mean that it LOOKS empty..but it FEELS like it is. despite how confidently he appears for the most part in the actual story here it looks like hes trying to hide. he doesn't want to be seen and i think its a mix of not wanting to take on his father's duty as the zarketh yet (mix of not feeling worthy of the role as well as feeling that if he takes it then its the same as writing off his father as dead which u see in the current event) plus feeling shame for not being the protector he swore he would be even if nothing that happened to his family is his fault. because at the end of the day he was supposed to be there for them no ifs ands or buts. and while the ocean is an important part of zarcove and a symbol of it i think you could also take it for the feeling of him drowning in his own insecurities and grief and lonliness

i forgot who i saw point it out or if it was on here or twit ill look late but i really didnt notice at first that he isnt smiling. i guess bc it looks so close to his actual sprite and he has a small smile there but it rly is a blink-and-you-miss-it detail i like. honestly to me his feels a bit empty like delos' just instead that "emptiness" is filled w/ a pretty background that screams opulence but like. it means little to him because thats just what he was expected to inherit. honestly while it has a church look to it (which i wouldnt understand much rn how that would fit in anyways i havent unlocked his last room) it does also remind me of a bird cage a little and i wonder if the floating pages have anything to do with all of the books and general entertainment he just couldn't have while growing up

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas!!

im gonna rant at you for a bit if you dont mind :)

Im a minor that lives in a super tight night, close minded community. Super religious, super homophobic transphobic ect. Seeing as im a teenage girl whose questioning their gender and is definitely attracted to women thats kinda problematic lols. Honestly idek how to explain the situation without a bunch of details, but basically, theres a fifty-fifty chance of me being sent to conversion therapy or just cut off from any internet access (and i mean ANY. i have a flip phone for fucks sake.)if my fam finds out im queer, i have no support system outside of some internet friends who know nothing about my situation, and within the next few years(so like once i turn 20ish, thats in like 4 years but whatever) my family is going to expect me to get married to a man and start popping out babies asap. Btw thats whats expected of me in this community, marriage under the age of 25, have like as many kids as physically possible and god forbid higher education. And im not okay with that . Ffs i want to go to college, major in fine arts, meet a person i like and fall desperately in love or maybe not just have a bunch of close platonic relationships i want cats and a dog and a cute studio in a big city where i can dye my hair whatever color i want aand get an obsene amount of piercings, i want to wear pants!! I just want to live. Without expectations or limits or people who love me hating everything they dont know about me. Is that truly so much to ask for?

And im incredibly dramatic cuz i literally have the dream life. My family loves me, my parents are upper middle class, theyve never hurt me before(besides for all the anti everything rants haha) i literally have a full sized bed, which for some reason i see as the peak of being spoiled idk why. I go to school, not even public, a private religious school that prob costs thousands of dollars, i have friends(who are all part of this community btw and id bet my entire savings that most of them think gay is only a word that ppl use to mean happy lol) close ones even!! I have adorable neices and nephews(my 3 sisters all were married by the age of 20, so i have 11 niecesand nephews while my oldest sister is 31) im living the dream life. But i hate it and i have no way out. No hope of college to get on my feet and find someway out, no people that'll help me fucking run away or some bullshit like that, hell ive considered it and then felt like shit, cuz what am i even running from? Im probably attracted to men it wont kill me to marry one. And i like kids, i wouldnt mind having any either. But.... i dont want to be trapped anymore. Cuz ill be honest thats what i am.if some one asked me to run away with them rn i would, no hesitation.

God im a mess😭😭 anyway this was me ranting in my notes app, im just apologizing for dumping this on a complete stranger(we're moots actually!!) albeit a very kind one :) i dont know what im looking for, but ill take whatever your comfortable giving ig.

I love and appreciate you<333

And hey this has been oddly cathartic so lmk if its okay for me to do this again sometime :))

"im living the dream life. But i hate it and i have no way out."

Hon, you're not living the dream life...there's a difference between financial privilege and being happy, you know? It's pretty clear that this isn't what you want.

I'm not sure if you're asking for my advice here, or if you just want to vent. But I care about you, and if you want me to research some things to try to help you, I'm more than willing to (that way it's not on your search history.) Just say the word!

Until then, you are ALWAYS allowed to vent to me.

I'm naming you venting anon in case you write again!

[bambidoll96]

Writing out a fantasy, it might prove embarrassing or off putting to some but inneed to at least get it out:

Im just gonna say it plainly. I want to be a pornstar... but i want to do it my way. Im not here to fuck; suck? maybe occasionally but thats not the point.

I want to do long and intimate scenes: elaborate ropings with a focus on each individual wrap or knot, as well as highlighting any banter between me and my rigger; Impact scenes that could double for toy infomercials that cary into at least the first round of aftercare and maybe more. Sensation scenes blending the tickling and overstim with soft teddybear cuddling, and as much dialogue as i can reply to in such a state; bob ross esque body art paintings; recorded hypno sessions, even if im mostly asleep and not moving much im sure there is a real appeal somewhere (Heck pull bambi out and let her do her own scenes... i am honestly curious how much interest there might be in letting my wider plurality come into play?)

everything ive actually tried with another person outside of Sex sex has been heavenly (yes even the really really dumb "coffee" date) and there is a growing desire/need to be seen (or especially to be shown off) rising within me.

Sure cut the it down for pornhub or wherever so it can make the money but also do the long cuts that actually show off the art of the scene for those who actually appreciate it.

I want to work with a variety of tops and maybe with time get comfortable acting as a top myself(maybe, not sure if ill enjoy it in the long run) i want to explore as many kinks as i can find and experience them as much as my body/mind/spirit can handle. Maybe "owned" collectively by a small group, maybe with a single main partner who ensures i always make it home in one piece. Definitely in some way in which i am truely safe and secure, and done as sanely as possibe; with partners who genuinely care about my consent and wellbeing

For now i know damn well im still inexperienced enough and uneducated enough that that level of commitment wont really be possible any time soon even if there is any slim hope that it might be in the future. I also know that building the kind of social/support network to actually get anywhere near even the city that the ballpark is in is going to be a persuit that will likely span the rest of my life.

Yes right now i am no where near stable enough to even look for a real foothold and i know the entire wall is at an acute angle (especiallyconsideringi really dont want to work the camera, editing booth, or goddess forbid the distro/business side. But i have gotten a taste and i know it really is something i think i want to seriously persue once i am able; even as so many of my existing connections tell me its just a fantasy and seem to indicate that its just not possible.

Theres just something in my soul that calls out for it, even if we dont really know how "it" might happen or how "it" might pan out in the long, long run (maybe growing into a mentor as my body becomes less able to do the scenes myself) but we genuinely do want to make an earnest attempt.

[77ngiez-archive]

i don't know shit about the mormon religion but tbh ur posts about it have me thinking about looking into it since ive been on and off looking for a religion that fits me. do you have recommendations on where to start?

anon this made me so happy and excited u have no idea. i will answer the ask under the cut cos its gonna get. long

alright! so! quick (2 paragraph lol sorry) crash course! the mormon church is more formally known as The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. this is noted bcs i think its important to know that the church Is a branch of christianity!

the main difference between the church and other branches of christianity is that we believe that we have the restored gospel! to elaborate, we believe that during the years christ was gone, his church and doctrine began falling apart - misinterpretation, mistranslation, etc, all playing a role. the power of both the aaronic priesthood and the melchezidic priesthood was lost. sure, we also have the book of mormon (+ the doctrine&covenants and the pearl of great price), but the reason we have those in the first place is because the priesthood was restored to us.

the subtitle of the book of mormon is "another testemant of jesus christ". basically, you know all those times that jerusalem got destroyed in the old testemant? well, one of those times, this guy lehi takes his family and his pals and goes to the american continent! and then the book of mormon chronicles what happened to him and his many descendants, ending when they all... destroyed each other in war. the doctrine&covenants and the pearl of great price are both stuff from the prophets and apostles in the early days of the church! also, joseph smith (the "founder" of the church) did a retranslation of some parts of the bible. pretty neat!

now that thats out of the way, ur question - where to learn more! if there's a mormon church anywhere in your area (which is pretty likely, esp if u live in the usa) then you can reach out to that church and/or any missionaries on the area! u can attend church at a mormon church without being a member, and plenty of ppl do! ppl r very welcoming there! the missionaries can always teach u more! also, if u download the lds gospel library app (or use the library), u have access to all the lds materials! this is the bible, book of mormon, etc, but other stuff too. for example, theres the 3-volume book "saints" which is all about church history! its very detailed but not hard to listen to or read at all, and it focuses on individuals to help paint the story of how the church formed and was built (i love saints if u cant tell)

i love being mormon and wouldnt trade it for anything. however i feel like warning u that at the moment, the church has a bit of a toxic culture regarding queer stuff, and it can be rlly hard to deal with esp as a queer person who genuinely believes in all the true concepts that the church upholds. but! its absolutely not impossible! #queerstake right here on tumblr is a shining example <3

anyway im only one mormon teenager on the internet, so id suggest checking out the gosepl library, talking to missionaries, and even attending a session on sunday to see what its like if u feel like it. also go ahead and look thru the #queerstake and #tumblrstake tags, bcs theres a lot of both rlly good insight and rlly good community there! feel free to reach out to other posters in that tag for more info if this wasn't sufficient ^^ and good luck, anon!!

[sunnynoki]

We don’t talk a lot - We haven’t talked in probably about a year or so now, since I left the fandom space we met in. I’ve changed usernames since then - I went by Wheat on discord. Sorry I’ve been so distant. I never knew how to talk to you since it’s been a while.

Even still, I want to tell you that you were important to me, and still are. I wish we could talk more. I want to talk about your new interests. What are you into these days? I’ve been getting into some older games these days, but I’ve been missing pokemon a bit. I want to get back into it. Do you still draw Sky? I never asked you about them with as much detail as I wanted to. I was always worried about being too intrusive, but I regret that now. Your OCs are really imaginative. I know you’re into tensura now, right? Season 3 is coming out soon. I’m excited for that.

I want to get to know you again. I don’t know what happened with whatever you left behind, and I don’t know if this is a weird message to send, but you’re important to me and I want to let you know that you are. I wouldn’t be who I am if you weren’t there in the beginning. Thank you for being you.

i dont know how to talk either. every sentence i say either feels fake or self centered, selfish. and dont worry about being distant; it happens, especially when interests change. i dont blame you.

youre important to me too. i wish we could talk more. im not into much right now. i just feel empty. i gave up su/bmas, after everything. it was too much, not knowing who i could trust not to fucking ship them, or think its ok in any circumstance. yet sometimes i still crawl back to the tag, despite blocking it a while ago. i dont touch anything though, just look. it doesnt bring me joy anymore. i think im finally letting it go. i dont know how i feel about po/kemon yet. its kinda just. there. maybe im just feeling particularly apathetic right now.

i don't really draw anything right now. i dont know if i can go back. it was my only hobby, yet my therapist said that it wasnt enough, even when i was at my lowest. well, at the time. ive set a new low score at this point. i dont want to draw. i don't know what id draw. i dont think i can. my computer is kinda a no mans land at this point. i don't really touch it anymore. im glad you liked sky though. i never understood why she garnered so much attention. i could never write a good enough character for her. she was a mary sue in that way, with no real character flaws, let alone the... everything else. either way, like i said, im glad you liked her regardless. it means a lot. the attention i got because of her made me really happy.

like i said, im not really into anything right now, but i guess tensura would be regarded as an "interest." im... looking forward to season 3. i read one of the light novels thats going to be adapted a month or two back though, so i guess its gonna be a moment before i get to "new" content.

i dont know if theres anyone to get to know anymore. i was already in a depressive episode before this disaster, now i dont know if theres any going back, if theres any way to recover. it isnt a weird message to send, and its appreciated that you care for me but. im not sure if i can trust anyone again. im not sure if i can even trust myself. even in the aftermath, the people i thought i could trust either no longer talk to me or still interact with those who hurt me. i guess its selfish to ask them to cut off those friends too. but ive always been selfish. self centered. egotistical.

regardless, im glad i had some positive impact despite my mess of a personality. thank you for your words