#it took me until middle school
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I took me until middle school to realize that having a lot of nose bleeds wasn’t normal
#the one time#it took me until middle school#I start coughing up blood randomly like later year or the year before that#that fine tho#I thought something like that would hurt but it doesn’t#my mom want me to stop drink red drinks#mainly gatorade because I’m in band#she want others to be able to tell the difference between blood and juice#idk why people would want to have nose bleeds#nose bleeds are annoying
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i want to know your anna thoughts so bad hi.
Hullo! Sure I can provide some Anna thoughts! I have so god damn many. Some other characters are also going to work their way in here too, if you don’t mind. And buckle up, this is gonna be a long one. I got a whole short story for y’all here.
Without further ado, I present to you: The Commander Anna Post
Let’s have some fun, shall we?
So in the age discussion of the feh main cast from a while back, I mentioned how I accounted for Anna’s bizarre position in Askr’s military by making her a child soldier. She has been fighting since she was a young teenager and has logged a decade of combat experience at this point.
I want there to be some fun consequences for this. For example, Anna is rocking some very serious injuries that will likely be with her for the rest of her life. Most notable being her left shoulder. Just by looking at her in full commander regalia, it’s not obvious that there’s any kind of issue. But Anna can’t lift her left arm all the way anymore. Her armor does an excellent job covering up the inconsistency, as it doesn’t allow for that level of mobility anyway. But take the armor off and you can see her shoulder is an absolute mess. It is, and I quote, “the worst healing job I’ve ever seen” according to Veronica.
It’s a bizarre sight for the kid. It’s not the type of thing she expected to learn about an enemy commander. Perhaps THE enemy commander. But in this situation that hardly matters, as she is the group healer as they all trek deeper into the realm of the dead. And Veronica is tending to her wounds only to find the pitiful scarred skin, warped and uneven from a hastily rushed healing process. It’s from a long time ago, she explains. From when she was still just a foot solider. But that… doesn’t make sense does it? Was Bruno not her ally? He has the capacity to heal— he was the one who taught Veronica the little she knows. Even his worst attempts were leagues better than the work done here.
Anna can only shrug, a motion made mostly with her right shoulder. He didn’t reveal that he was a mage of any kind while he was with them. So, even if he wanted to, there’s a chance he could not afford to. Veronica doesn’t know what to say to that. There’s this… uncomfortable knowing between the two of them. They know now, in retrospect, that swallowing down the truth like that must have ate Bruno alive. Just another reason for his sorry state that they didn’t catch until it was nearly too late. Add that to the pile of tiny behaviors that now make sense, right? The intensity of his expression as he insisted Veronica learn how to heal despite her protests and the daggers he’d stare into the intricate scaring on Anna’s shoulder. Throw them all in. Every last piece.
Commander Anna looks at the princess and unexpectedly breaks the tension with a laugh. You see, it’s funny, because this is exactly how she started to figure out Zacharias was Bruno. Very few know about her shoulder. She’s not exactly brazen about it, nor do the people she interacts with have the medical knowledge to glean how serious it is. She doubts even Kiran knows, to be honest. The only person who knows without a shadow of a doubt is Zacharias, because he was there when it happened. He’s probably the reason why she survived that day at all. So, you must imagine her surprise, when a masked stranger targeted this weakness and forced her to fight left handed. It was the most bizarre fight of her life! Fighting someone who clearly knew her, but she herself could not place!
Veronica was not there, but she can picture the lunacy of it. Bruno fighting his comrade as the commander attempted to fight a stranger. She hasn’t really seen Anna entirely thrown off before, but knowing that her brother managed it brings her satisfaction. She deserves it after all the times her and the rest of these fools have done it to Veronica. Feels like comeuppance. She chuckles. They both do. Gods she’s having a moment with the enemy commander. What has the world come to?
Fjorm has a far less positive reaction to piecing it together. After the events of book 2, she knows her time is short. She… cannot face the remains of her family in this state. It would be a slow painful death to rot away behind castle walls and wheeze into soft silks. No, she would much rather die on her feet. Put her body to good use while it’s still able.
So she trains. She trains until she feels her bones threaten to snap. She must have been at it for hours before the commander offers to spar her. With how busy Anna normally is, it’s a rather rare opportunity to spar one on one. Fjorm instantly leaps for the chance.
So they fight, and Fjorm can see it. The way her left arm lags and the scarring that curls out from beneath her sleeve. Burns maybe? Possible electricity? Clearly an old injury from a mage. A weakness in her defenses that she can exploit, surely.
Anna makes no such thing possible. Maybe she learned since her fight with Bruno or maybe Fjorm isn’t fast enough to take advantage of it, but Anna easily evades any attempt to use this against her. Focusing her left just seems to earn Fjorm a swift jab in return. From there, the fight might already be over. Anna’s left arm might be lacking but her legs and mobility sure aren’t. She takes the opportunity to effortlessly bully her way into Fjorm’s space and renders her lance useless. It’s infuriating, but Fjorm is learning. She can do this— she has to. Ten losses deep is when Anna calls it. They put good work in and it’s time for lunch!
Fjorm is ready to throw her lance into the sun.
She insists she can keep going, but the commander is not budging. Still, she tries to push her luck. But once a look of annoyance makes a home on her features, Fjorm knows that’s it. Another disappointing loss. Damnit. She turns to find someone else to spar, but is very surprised to find Anna will not allow such a thing. They are both going to take a break, or Fjorm might find herself barred from the training grounds. She states that if Fjorm cannot be trusted to keep her own wellbeing in mind, then she cannot be trusted out here at all.
However, Anna provides her with a singular counter offer. This can all be avoided if Fjorm tells her what’s wrong. Because she isn’t stupid, something is clearly amiss. And Fjorm— at wits end and most definitely exhausted, dehydrated, and starving—flips her lid a bit. Begins to go off. She’s angry at Anna, and her stupid backswing with her axe, and her own inability to deal with it despite her inherent disadvantage with a lance, and how she keeps failing in front of the people here, and how weak she must appear, and how even the commander of an army in Askr is outclassing her as a warrior and leader, and how she can’t even hate her for it because Anna is just doing her job, and how that all means that the problem must lie within herself!!!
That’s, uh, wow. That’s more than Anna bargained for. She briefly internally wishes that Kiran or Sharena was here right now, as they’re far better at this type of thing. Maybe… she should just go for the most obvious one, yeah? Yeah! Anna isn’t a leader. Commanding people and leading them are vastly different skills. Complimentary! But different.
Look, on ledger, the order entirely under her name, but in practice it is run by four people. Alfonse, Sharena, Kiran, and herself. And it very much HAS to be. The order operates at such a large scale now that the division of labor was necessary. Anna is not so egotistical to think she could run this whole operation by herself, either.
This includes the actual leadership position of the order. Anna is very good at telling people what to do and when to do it, but actually rallying people to a cause? That’s wayyy above her pay grade. Hardly has the force of personality to pull that off. But the others do, and so does Fjorm. Hell, Fjorm has that is SPADES. Despite having lost just about everything, she managed to rally her broken beaten homeland against Surtr and Muspel through sheer force of will. That’s kind of insane, and it’s a little bizarre to the commander that the savior of Nifil can’t see that.
Besides, she’s not a better fighter than Fjorm either. She quite physically can’t be! Fjorm is angry that she couldn’t defeat her in less than ideal circumstances, but let’s be real, all she needs is a little practice. And maybe a full eight hours of sleep. And some food. And water. Can you see what she’s putting down here? The only real leg up Anna has on Fjorm is that she’s going to ask for help, despite the heavy hit to her ego. It’s why the order exists as it does, after all.
That conversation leaves Fjorm with a lot to think about. Both as a person and of her view of Anna. She apologizes for behavior and swears to do better. As proof of her determination, she takes her up on the offer of lunch, much to Anna’s amusement.
Much later down the line, Sharena learns— PROPERLY learns, within the realm of dreams. She’s not blind though. Over the years she has noticed the scaring and the favoring of her right hand. Soooo, Sharena makes an effort to cover her! Stick by her left! Her massive shield is more than capable of protecting her too! And that’s the routine they fall seamlessly into as they follow Peony through Freyr’s dream land and Freya’s nightmare.
Anna generally deals with the challenges of that place better than the rest, for the aforementioned reasons. She knows her limits, she asks for help, and she talks her problems through. The vulnerability may be uncomfortable for her at times, but it is not enough to prevent her from doing so in order to progress smoothly. It might hurt her pride a little as commander, but Sharena and Alfonse are her friends, no? She can say that now, after walking through literal hell and back with them. So she doesn’t mind if they are the ones to see the child she grew around to protect.
Rather angry kid, if you can believe it! Stubborn too. Getting split and copied throughout time and space as a result of Askr and Embla’s never ending war had that effect. And Sharena gets to see that little girl, stubbornly clinging to her axe, bleeding from a wound on her leg that she knows one day will scar over.
It’s from one of the first battles she was ever in, Anna explains. As a merchant, her dad saw it fit to train her in order to defend herself from bandits. And she had put those skills to use before— but not like this. Never like this. It was the first true fight for her life. Not very pleasant, as you can imagine! She still gets nightmares sometimes, as you can see. Happened a few times in the realm of the dead actually. But, luckily, it no longer haunts her as much as it once did. It’s just a scar on her leg now!
The sentiment doesn’t comfort Sharena much. This is, frankly, awful! She hates how scared she looks! A-and how large the wound on her leg is! She hates how… unaware of it she personally was! Why didn’t Anna tell her about this sooner? To which Anna can only shrug. Nobody asked, and if she’s being honest, she probably wouldn’t have told. Not the whole truth anyway. She can admit when she needs help but… she’s still human. It’s a lot easier to admit she had a nightmare than admit that she finds the very thought of bleeding out a worse death than drowning. Still gets her the help she needs, without being more vulnerable than necessary. Sharena rests her head on her shoulder.
“Are all of your scars like this?”
Anna… blinks. No. They’re not. Not even the one on her leg is all bad. She was saved by this elderly couple and their son, who saw the fighting and began dragging injured soldiers off the battlefield. They made awful puns the whole time they stitched up her leg and gave her the best tea she ever had. Anna has bought a lot of different teas trying to find it, but to this day, she has no clue what it was. Makes it better, to be honest. Sharena looks at her expectantly, waiting for her to continue.
Ah, story time then? Okay. Well. Uh, this line on the inside of her elbow is from a bandit. Rather nasty encounter, but she returned the favor by shoving an entire container of expensive makeup powder into his eyes. Her dad was so mad but god it was so worth it. And this scar on her thumb is from one of her first times cooking in the road. She was pealing a potato but one of her sisters slammed into her and nearly took off her finger. This nick on her clavicle is from the first battle she ever won. When the enemy finally retreated she screamed so loud that her voice was raw for a week. Then there’s this scar underneath her chin, which has to be the most embarrassing ones she has. Zacharias and her had some leftover money one week and decided to treat themselves to a drink or two or five. In trying to make it back to the barracks, they both fell. Hard. She walked away with this, but Zacharias fully fractured his wrist. Explaining what happened to the healers the next morning was dreadful. And… and then there’s the one on her shoulder. Anna was actually recovering from it when she met Alfonse and Sharena.
The princess sits up for that one. Really? Gods she didn’t show it. And it’s because, on some level, she couldn’t. It was from the last battle before the shaky truce was called between Askr and Embla. The one Veronica will inevitably break. And the truce was called for good reason. The battle was hell on earth. Anna… nearly died there. She should have died there, frankly. A point blank strike from a lightning mage with metal armor in the rain should have been the last mistake she ever made. But by some miracle, it wasn’t.
… In retrospect, she thinks it’s because of Zacharias. Things got hazy after she went down, but knowing what they do now, he must have used his own magic to kill the mage and heal her. She didn’t walk out unscathed, but it was enough.
Haha, gods, she will never stop feeling guilty about him, will she?
Anyway, the injury was pretty bad. Her shoulder never moved the same again. But seeing as they were both recently hired to be Sharena and Alfonse’s retainers, they couldn’t exactly let Gustav know how serious it was. Might cost them the job. So a truly comical level of shenanigans went into ensuring it was kept secret. Including this game she created where every time Zacharias accidentally touched her injured shoulder, he would pay up 10 gold. He was not a very touchy guy, but even Sharena knew that this was something he just did. A tiny reassuring shoulder pat to convey that he was listening. So this was, perhaps, the best money making scheme Anna ever came up with. His apologetic look would shift so quickly into one of so much instant regret. And Sharena, upon reflection, remembers this.
WAIT WAIT WAIT SHE REMEMBERS THIS. THATS WHAT THE NOTE PASSING THING WAS!!!! Alfonse had pointed out in one meeting that the new retainers were passing something between each other and Sharena insisted it must have been notes because of how boringgggg it was. BUT NO IT WAS GOLD. ZACHARIAS TOUCHED HER SHOULDER EARLIER IN THAT MEETING AND SHE WINCED. HE THEN WAITED A WHILE BEFORE PAYING UP TO NOT MAKE IT OBVIOUS. THATS HILARIOUS!!!
Anna starts cackling as Sharena begins to line up all the pieces. The nightmare fully dissipating as she shares in this silly secret. There’s a chance she would have died with it. Hell, we know of a world where she probably did. This is not a story she’d even give to her family of merchants, who despite being direct reflections of her, do not share the scars she’s littered with. Never had to be, and thus don’t quite understand. But, Sharena does. All her friends do. And it feels weird to say that because real friends have always been in short supply. But gods this is too good. How absolutely absurd it is, that they are in the realm of dreams trying to find their missing friend and defeat the goddess who took them, and Commander Anna of the Order of Heroes is about to pop a lung laughing as she tells Princess Sharena of Askr about the fallout from the time she nearly died.
It’s dumb! This is dumb! And it’s possibly the happiest she’s ever been.
#WHOOOOO CREATIVE WRITING TIME LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOO#Wow this was in me and I need to get it OUT. Free fanfic for your reading pleasure god damn.#ah heck wait should I put this in a place to read fanfic? Is that allowed?#Problem for future Dani to solve because right now ITS ANNA TIME BABEYYYYYYYYYYY#So here’s some fun facts. I have some of these scenes already written as dialogue. Mainly the Fjorm bit and time Anna got one hit K.O.ed.#The later being part of a collection of scenes showcasing Bruno and Anna’s friendship before the events of the game#Wanna make a comic out of that real bad. I got pages sketched out and everything.#I will make it…. one day…. BUT UNTIL THEN ANNA SCAR TIME LETS GOOOOOOOOOO#Taking the ‘Anna and Kiran are the characters I have the most fun writing’ Chekhov’s gun off the wall#If you took the time to read all of this: thank you. genuinely.#Art is something I came around to during some time in middle school. Writing is the thing I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember.#And I like that Tumblr lets me to do both. Get to show them off in equal measure.#feh#fire emblem heroes#fire emblem#fe anna#feh anna#fe veronica#feh veronica#fe fjorm#feh fjorm#fe sharena#feh sharena#fe bruno#feh bruno#feh zacharias#fe zacharias#fe alfonse#ask answered#FEH Ted talk
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@sharkfinn i bring your child :))
this is the non gore version, that’s below cut w progress video
#rottmnt#birdboys art#the fact that this and pezheads ctiys are next to each other in procreate is never not be funny to me#also only took me two hours#but i was working on the other one at the same time so like… 4 hours for both#the gore art from middle school rose up and took me by the throat and would not let go until i did this#i’m only half sorry#the other half of me is impressed i remembered the colors and settings for the skull and teeth
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the 14 year old edgelord in me keeps trying to compose deep poetry about coming to after dissociating. calm down babes. we’re all good here.
#blue chatter#just. the experience of blinking into existence becoming associated with ice in my mouth#and how it’s becoming a pattern that the first visual thing I process is a hand in front of my face#At least that I remember. I’m sure other stuff happens but my memory is unsurprisingly v blurry after#I feel bad for making my roommate take care of me so often#but I super cannot control when I dissociate#and I do genuinely need the help#bc today I was home alone and it took a loooooot longer to break out of the blurry stage#I somehow didn’t think to get ice about it until I was in the middle of the grocery store an hour after the episode had ended#I want to be more independent about this so people don’t have to take care of me all the time#it is relieving to know that I can live with friends after grad school#so *someone* can be around usually if something goes wrong and I’m not cognizant enough to help myself#but I don’t wanna make them feel like they have to help me or put that on them#or like. freak out their kids. their kids are not raised remotely like I was and they’re rly young so they don’t rly understand this.#how do you explain trauma to a three year old whose parents are incredibly good at gentle parenting#idk. I’ll figure it out. hopefully with time and therapy I’ll be able to process my trauma enough that I won’t be like this forever.#I don’t wanna be like this forever.#I want to go to grad school and start practicing in clinical psychology and help people#and be independent and be able to support my friends instead of the other way around
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love when this is referred to as the gifted kid website. shockingly my mental disorders made me mentally disordered and school never really vibed with that so. couldn’t be me
#ppl always talking about their whatever grade reading level and how many books they’d read as kids and im just over here like🧍🏽#I’ve never been actually bad at english or reading but I couldn’t focus on reading books to save my fucking life#I hated those sheets where you had to read like a certain number of books or whatever over the course of a semester or the year or whatever#my GATE test scores for english were super high but my math was bad enough that I never qualified#and adhd made me not even perform well in English half the time because I couldn’t pay attention I couldn’t read long books I couldn’t turn#in my assignments or if I did they were late and etc etc etc#don’t get me started with math#I was the worst in my class in third grade at minute math and never made it to the levels of minute math my classmates did#(they posted results on the wall for everyone to see)#and in 6th grade I was put into an additional remedial math class#throughout middle-high school I was at the level of most classmates in terms of the classes I took but that’s only because I was not allowe#to fail and was put through absolute fucking hell with a billion tutors and grueling hours of extra work from them and blah blah blah#like I remember how I felt in those tutoring sessions and half the time I actually wanted to cry.#I didn’t start doing solidly genuinely Good in school until senior year of high school.#not coincidentally around the same time I started taking adderall I think#I had accommodations by 9th grade but they didn’t do that much except for the function that let me turn in assignments up to 2 days late#without penalty. which i had teachers question sometimes and i had to pull the Yeah it’s Literally Against The Law to not allow me this car#anyway. point is. i was never in the gate program and most of my friends were and it was mostly adhd related#adhd is considered such a quirky nothing disorder nowadays that I don’t even like mentioning I have it really. because what people think of#when I say the term is Not what i actually dealt with and made school torturous and made my parents lash out at me for things and etc etc#depression and dysphoria did not help either. but I digress#I’m not sure why im making this post#kibumblabs
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my head is full of fountain pen thoughts
#exoticbutterstxt#i cant fucking believe it took until middle school for me to get diagnosed with the 'tism
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ok iwas brave and answered like 3 asks i’m going back 2 reading ^__^
#FOUND SUCH A COOK BOOK SERIES BUT IVE BEEN PUTTIJG OFF RESDING THE SECOJD BOOK#CAUSE THIS IS A REALLY EASY READ AND IF I FINISH THIS BOOK 2NITE I CANT CHECK OUT TJE NEXT FEW BOOKS UNTIL MONDAY. OUUUAGHH#vixen rambles#book series is the pheonix files btw. generic young adult mystery thriller and it was published in like. 2009#so it’s got a few odd Moments. but the characters r SOOOOO <333333#main 3 are a nightmare polycule. to me.#idk it’s written very much from the teenagers eye of ‘adults never listen or care’ but i love ittt peter is so meeee#they’re Just Kids and it makes the story that much more AUUGH#granted i tjink theyre all 16-17 so theyre Slightly Older Kids but they’re STILL KIDS#godd im projecting onto all of them so hard…. they’re all just like me fr….#vixen bizlybebo when relatable characters witj absent parents#but yeag if you want a read that will have ur middle school self screaming. absoljtelt read it.#only took me like 2-3 hours to read the first book ^__^
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5 AM
Just me and my overactive mind facing the nighttime again 🙃
#hopefully the meds work but while waiting for them to kick in I get so damn nervous#and sometimes I do get nights where even on my full dose my anxiety is too overpowering and I just. Do Not Sleep#I mean I do eventually but not without spiraling first :')#way before I was prescribed sleep meds my longest was 3 nights without sleep while on a VERY stressful trip#I felt like I was gonna die and I did not sleep until I got off the plane and was back at home#(this was like 15 years ago already but it still haunts me fhfgsgdh)#my best friend and I were having a conversation today#and she was like 'not sleeping can make you hallucinate right?'#and I was like :') I get the hallucinations in other scenarios too#BUT I also get what she meant#not sleeping is really bad for me mentally which is why I can't do 'sleep restriction therapy'#and fun fact#a lot of my OCD obsessions revolve around sleep!!!#which is 'awesome' because laying in bed with insomnia makes my OCD flare up so like#the two get to feed off each other and make my life a living hell!!!#and don't even get me started on my sleep paralysis episodes#(which I like to think of as just my brain misfiring but that my aunt tells me is saints or demons trying to talk to me)#'cause she hallucinates too but hers are like 'spiritual' or whatever#same with my mom's hallucinations as well#and to add fuel to the dumpster fire of my mind and body is the fact I've been overcaffeinating again#which I've known not to do ever since I was in middle school and saw the pediatric cardiologist who specifically said 'hey don't do that'#fast-forward to adulthood and I still haven't learned how to handle anything#like. I have heart meds and sleep meds and migraine meds and IBS meds#and yes meds are good but like. I know you need to incorporate lifestyle changes as well#which I do for like 2 weeks until the next time I fuck up#I've been so irresponsible lately but like. ESPECIALLY today#didn't eat#took some meds on an empty stomach and forgot to take my other ones at all#had too much caffeine#stressed out over some stupid situations thanks to overthinking
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This winter (the season not the me) has been unseasonably and terrifyingly warm, like it's 10 degrees (Celsius sorry Americans) out today and I'm reminded of an article I read in the news a couple years ago about how Canada was baking at twice the rate as the rest of the world and go 👁️👄👁️. In my youth snow where I live would be probably a foot high in the lowest snow areas of snow drifts and up to my waist (in adult height) in the high parts, and every year I see less and less snow ☠️☠️☠️
On one hand despite my namesake I actually loathe the season winter, I'm extremely sensitive to the cold and getting brain freeze because the wind is blowing against the direction you're walking in sucks booty hole. But like NO snow is extremely bad. VERY bad. Do not like living out the consequences of climate change because uh. Canada just does not seem to have winters like it used to and hasn't in years. It's like watching all the corn crops stop growing like they used to because the summers are so much dryer and hotter with the exception of last summer, which was almost wet enough to kill the corn with that. But they survived and grew bushy like they used to and it was kind of terrifying to acknowledge I hadn't seen a crop that good in years.
#winters ramblings#on one hand it genuinely is SO NICE to not deal with snow seriously it is SO inconvenient#beautiful to look at for sure REALLY stunning when its not literally blinding you but omG snow on roads#in the cities where i live leave HUGE slush puddles and the snow is so MUSHY and WET from cars#pulverizing it to a fine icy slush ready to SOAK your feet in freezing water. shit is inconvenience powder#but the environment is in NEED of the snow that is how this country works environmentally NORMALLY#but no now we have consistently spring weather and ever less snowy winters#although we did have a shitty winter a couple years ago but thats not exacy indicive of much when it goes against prior patterns#and also that shitty winter STILL wasnt the winters of my childhood. the snow was ABSURD then#and yes its because drifts were the size of ME but even the massive piles of snow plowed from side walks are so much smaller#IF theres snow pules at all weve BARELY got snow this year and none of it stuck!!#like damn its been gone long enough ill miss it exactly until i have to walk to a bus stop in it#when i was 13 ill never forget my parents making me return a movie in a snow storm and it took me FORTY MINUTES#to complete this task because the snow NO JOKE was up to my wasit the whole way and i was my full 5'6 then#the snow was HORRIBLE. and for reference how long it USUALLY takes me to walk uptown and back?#roughly 15 minutes round trip so it took longer to walk ONE WAY than it took me to do a round trip no snow#and thats the last time i remember having a REALLY bad winter on account of walking to school was ALSO hell if the sidewalk#wasnt already plowed and usually only the main streets got that and i was Middle Street so id be done when id be going HOME#but not when i was going TO school. that winter blew ASS butlike it was normal bring them back 😭😭
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Y'know...i think wearing earbuds like 24/7 and playing my music and shows super loud probably isn't the best for my hearing..
#it seems I've made my tinnitus worse#i usually don't play my music super loud#but the last few days have been really weird brain-wise#like i have a pretty good relationship with my body and food#but recently I'll get hungry and some little part of my brain is like “don't eat just yet. wait until /this/ time and you'll get skinny”#but i don't WANT to get skinny. like brain we've been over this#it's weird and bad and i don't like it#i think it's my mom again. and her mom#my grandma is very “cut out as many carbs as possible” but it's whatever bc she's super old and sugar makes her bones hurt or something#but my mom has always been super insecure and has tried every diet on the books and always tried to rope ME into it too#which gave me horrible dysmorphia and body image issues that took me like 10 years to get over#and now i am and i love my body and how I'm built in all the ways that made me upset in middle school#and NOW my subconscious decides to get an ED?#fuck outta here#tw ed#anyways.#I'm tired and my ears are ringing
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do you ever find yourself desperately longing for a friendship you used to have that you KNOW was super toxic, hence why you aren't friends anymore...
#long story short in middle school i had one friend who was super quirky and cool#lots of shared interests and she was super fun#until we got to high school and she decided she hated me bc we went to an EXTREMELY competitive high school#where her mom was a teacher. and would compare us.#she was understandably upset but took it out on me#and that was the beginning of me developing really antisocial habits bc actually interacting with her went from being fun to being awful#but still... i remember what it was like when it was good. i loved it.#i hope she's doing better now
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I'm taking the first steps to going back to school in the fall and trying to get into a new program. The day I met with my advisor was good. After that the whole week was terrible and I felt worse and worse, culminating in sleeping about 14 hours in a 24 hour period, with a very long dream about a mysterious illness I was trying to get diagnosed and a very attentive doctor who gave me ideas and referrals for what to do next. It took me a few hours to shake the dream, but then I felt a lot better and no longer sleepy.
#Going off the 'every person in your dream is you' theory#The doctor aka me was being very kind and understanding to me#Could I be learning some self compassion?#My subconscious wasn't entirely kind it did all take place in my middle school's building#But it wouldn't be much of a dream without a middle school/high school reference now would it#It took me a while to equate the dream illness with depression which I know is soo obvious#But I was still in a bit of a dream fog and did some googling about things that could be wrong with my right kidney#Until I remembered that those symptoms weren't from real life
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I haven’t drawn any trigun art since hs
#sjsjsjsjs#I think???????#oh my god I want to draw vash… I don’t want to draw the new designs until I watch the new series tbh#and before that it was probably back in middle school skksskkssksk#i remember drawing vash for this girl in my class back in 4th grade and she looked it at like it was ugly but took it anyway and didn’t even#say thank you or pretended like she appreciated it even tho she asked me to draw him for her#🗿#very rude#rambling
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i wonder when the last time was that i went more than 24 hours without taking any form of medication
#i take at least three a day usually now#i mean even when i was a kid i had to take medicine all the time I've always been sick from something#but i don't know if i ever had a time where i DIDN'T#probably during middle or high school when i lied to myself about being healthy#but when i was a kid i mostly just had to take allergy medications and stuff a lot#and there was one thing i had to take all the time that was a gross goop idk what it was for tho#but it was grape flavoured which is probably why I hate grape so much also i despise liquid medication textures#i hate when liquids or gels are gritty at the same time it's the worst thing#i am also now realising how much pepto i took as a kid ive had stomach issues for a damn long time#i just never registered pepto as medicine bc it was bubblegum flavoured and actually tasted GOOD compared to all other medicines#which it's important that medicines DON'T taste too good to keep kids from trying to eat it like candy#which i definitely tried to do with pepto sometimes#i never actually succeeded coz my parents were good at keeping it away from me#at least until i figured out how to climb on top of the kitchen counters but by then i was smart enough not to (i think)#and anyways why grab the pepto when i can climb on top of the refrigerator to find my halloween candy#yeah i regularly climbed on top of the fridge as a kid i was fuckin nuts
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little me watched grug from the croods hit his head in order to remember important shit that slipped his mind and said "oh wait i could use this method actually!! i'm so forgetful!!" and my fucking god did it work
#it took me until middle school to realize that smacking yourself in the head in order to remember things is not. normal#and i realized this when i did it in front of my friend at the time and he looked at me like. what the fuck???#anyway . memory issues !! i don't do this as much anymore but sometimes if i really need to remember something then i do#also does anyone else get that feeling in their brain that they need to ration their memories or else stuff will start to slip??#like. regularly?#does that make sense?????#bc i do that daily#bee.txt
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Steve was always being brushed off when he asked people to read things aloud for him,
In middle school his assigned partner for their ‘Frankenstein’ project gave him a scornful glare and ignored him when he had asked them to read the passages aloud.
In his sophomore year, he’d turned to ask Robin Buckley to read a old newspaper article about the ‘Wild West’ to him, because he couldn’t make it out through the fonts and weird words. She had fixed him with a cold look but before she could respond, Tammy was tapping his shoulder offering her help.
Then, while studying with Nancy and Barb at lunch, Steve had asked for help reading study cards. His own study cards. The paper was too bright and the squiggles too squiggly. Both of them had looked at him, them each other, clearly trying to decide if it was a joke.
Barb had scoffed under Nancys pointed look and gone back to her own notes. And while Nancy hadn’t read them out for him, she had handed him her own notes on some nice blue and yellow cards. It took him a while, but he could read them. Maybe she thought he hadn’t wrote any.
After that, he went a long time without asking anyone to read him things. Turns out that once you graduate, reading isn’t much of an issue. He’d gotten by just fine by looking at his Archie comics and ignoring the swirling lines of articles surrounding them.
He didn’t need to ask again until Scoops Ahoy. For a cheap, overly themed ice cream parlour there sure was a whole lot of memorising and reading to be done. He couldn’t see the charts properly, couldn’t really make out the dates on the tubs in the freezer. But every time he asked Robin for help, her frown would deepen and deepen until she just snapped. It hadn’t been that mean, really. Just an annoyed yell followed by accusations of being lazy, her not understanding how he managed to graduate, one last comment of him being a ‘bumbling idiot’.
After the Russians, she never said anything like that to him again. And she always did the inventory and lists for him.
It takes until summer, 1987, for anyone to read aloud to Steve. They were laying across Eddie’s new bed in comfortable silence.
Steve had his legs dangling off the edges as Eddie leant back against him, legs pointing up against the wall in a way he swore was actually comfortable. He had been reading a new book called “Spellfire” and he couldn’t seem to put it down.
“Eddie?”
“Hm?”
“What’s your book about?”
“This? Well I…Not sure it’s really your thing, man.”
“Maybe.” He goes back to reading. “I could see if it’s my thing?”
Eddie twists his head sideways to look up at Steve with a slightly confused face. “You wanna borrow it?”
“Was thinking you could read it.” He fiddled with the pocket of his jeans in a hopefully casual and not freaking out way. He didn’t look at Eddie as he waited, but after a few moments he responded.
“Sure. That’s fine, yeah. Want me to start over or go from here?”
“From there is good.”
And it was good, it was really really good. Steve hadn’t been able to read a book since middle school, hadn’t really tried again after that. But as he lay back and let Eddie’s voice wash over him he couldn’t help feeling that he’d been missing out.
Sure, it actually wasn’t really his thing, but the way Eddie read aloud painted such a clear picture that Steve enjoyed it anyway. The other would change his voice slightly for different characters and added emotions into his speaking. If it was a tense moment, he’d go slow and add gaps in just the right places. If it was fast paced he’d speed up and get more and more manic until the action cut off. He felt like he was reading along. Felt like he could see the pages in the book, but also the characters and the dungeon they were combining through.
So, for the first time Steve hadn’t been brushed off. He had probably found the only person he knew who could turn reading a book into a performance. One he would happily be seated for every night.
From then on, new books turned up at the trailer every week, Steve not far behind.
#stranger things#steve harrington#eddie munson#steddie#robin buckley#stobin#dyslexia#dyslexic steve harrington#fic#mini fic#writing#hcs#my writing
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