#idk. I’ll figure it out. hopefully with time and therapy I’ll be able to process my trauma enough that I won’t be like this forever.

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

the 14 year old edgelord in me keeps trying to compose deep poetry about coming to after dissociating. calm down babes. we’re all good here.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

[sleepy-kiddo]

Just responding to the tags on your vent because reblogging vents makes me feel bad, but I have to remind myself that these goals aren't set to harm me, and if I can't reach all of them that's okay. I remind myself that this is an "eventually" and not a "right now". I don't know anything about your experiences, but I know looking at some of your goals I kind of went "Oh no way I could do that" and if you're feeling like one or multiple are unachievable it's important to communicate that. Make it clear that this isn't just insecurity, you genuinely don't believe you'll be able to do that. If your therapist is pressuring you to get this all done as a "right now" and not an "eventually" it may be time to take a step back and consider if they are a good fit, and truly have your best interests at heart-not just an agenda to make you come off as nuerotypical. Again, it depends on your goals personally and your experiences with them. They may not be doing that at all! They may be a great fit! But, no one on here can tell you that. If you aren't sure, talk to someone you trust about it. Find your limits and boundaries, and communicate them as openly as you can. If they're met with abrasion and callous responses, it may be time to find a new therapist who will work with you. I know this sounds like me hating on your therapist-but that's 100% because of personal bias' and negative personal experiences. I'm predisposed to read certain things as red flags, but I don't know your situation and I've done my best to keep this unbiased for you. Hopefully something in here is helpful, and you don't have to answer this at all. But you can if you want to. Just deleting it is totally valid though.

I really appreciate this message, thank you! Its hard reminding myself of anything positive when I'm so burnt out. Its all self frustrations really: I'm frustrated that I'm this way, that I need therapy and medication, and need to take baby steps to function on basic adult levels when I'm already almost 25 yrs old. I keep reminding myself that its okay to need extra help and to take extra time, but any time I have an issue I get really discouraged and feel like that no matter how hard I try to change and remind myself, I keep messing up just the same. Like I've been in and out of therapy since I was in 5th grade and I've been on so many medications that barely worked...

My therapist, thankfully, isn't saying my homework has to all be done by the next time we meet in a few weeks - but she wants me to start thinking of applying my homework, maybe trying it and sticking to it so see if I notice a change. But really she wants me to get into seeing a psychiatrist first so I can go back on medication, since medications usually take at least a month to begin seeing any changes.

I'm just more overwhelmed by the fact that I know I have to eventually do these things otherwise I'll end up with worse agoraphobia than I currently have and I'll lose bubby too cause he's burn out completely along with me.

I like my therapist more than any other I've ever had tbh. She really listens to me, remembers what we last talked about, suggests books and activities to help me, and tries to figure out the best route of action with my current situations, but the only option is really just to go through what makes me uncomfortable and to keep doing it until maybe its less uncomfortable.

I expected therapy to be difficult as she is a cbt/dbt therapist and I knew what I would be getting into, but gosh I just don't know how one copes with the anxiety and frustrations during the process of it all.

I feel selfish on top of it all too. Like I'm so uncomfortable and anxious that I don't want to try, but if I don't try that would not only affect me, but also bubby cause he has to deal with all of this too on top of his own issues. So I owe it to him at least to try my best, its just a terrifying process and I'm mad at myself for being terrified and for not being better by now..

I mainly needed to vent cause idk I feel like my feelings about everything aren't valid, I keep questioning myself: "Why do I still let these things bother me?" "Why don't I just try harder?" "Why does this make me so anxious?" "Why can't I just do this thing?" "Am I selfish?" "Am I toxic?" "Am I a lost cause?" "Am I being over dramatic?" "Am I a burden?" "Should I bother?" "What if I don't change?" "If so many others can do this so easily, why is it so hard for me?"

But yeah sorry for the big message myself, I do really appreciate you messaging me. I gotta stick to reminding myself that all I can do is try and if something doesn't work there may be other ways to try things.

[skittlesandlemonade]

12/31/20

12:28am

and the tradition continues. i just finished reading my post from last year and lmfao all the goals i set for myself were pretty much unaccomplished. and you know what?? it’s ok!!! because just making it to this fucking DAY was a struggle - AND HEALTHY. and i can proudly say i never got COVID either (even though it felt like i fucking had it last year before we knew it was a thing). and i can say my biggest goal this year was just surviving in one healthy, functioning piece.

although i didn’t explicitly meet my goals, there are some things i’m proud of myself for doing. 

starting therapy is the biggest accomplishment. i’ve been actively trying to work on myself little by little and this will not only help my relationships but also how i am as a clinician.

i’ve gotten straight A’s this entire year, all three semesters.

i started seeing clients.

i’m currently applying for internship - terrifying but very exciting to know that the end is near.

i went through a breakup during the toughest, most stress & anxiety-inducing period of the semester and survived, pulled through, and finished my work even though i slacked off soooooooo much HEY I STILL DID IT LMAO. and not to mention just fucking doing school/work/practicum online all fucking year.

and just recently, i’ve put myself out there and have officially begun my hoe phase. so far i’ve seen two people and i’m enjoying it. i’m mostly proud that i was able to recognize what i wanted, get over the breakup, and just dive in. and most of all i know that a relationship is the last thing i want, so i won’t be inclined to jump into anything new, which is good for my emotions/head.

i’ve noticed that every other year tends to be a good year for me (particularly odd numbered years) so hopefully the trend continues on into next year. i know everyone is waiting for the date to change hoping that it marks the change to this nightmare of a year, but even though that won’t happen right away, i’m also hoping for the best.

here’s to looking forward to a vaccine very soon so everything can go back to normal.

i want to be able to treat myself better & spoil myself by buying things. this will require me to work more lol but since i don’t have anyone to do it for me, might as well.

i want to feel comfortable in a group of friends and have a steady circle i can rely on because i honestly do not feel like i have that right now. and i’m not sure if the problem lies with me or them, but i will work to figure that out.

i wanna continue dating and exploring options and reminding myself not to fucking settle.

ideally i would like to continue dancing when and where i can, and that may or may not allow me to train in shereal like i wanted to. but that does mean heels classes, video projects, small teams, whatever i can fit in.

i want to keep doing well in school because i’m almost fucking done and get through internship - I WANT TWO DEGREES TO MY NAME IN LESS THAN A YEARS TIME. and this is probably the most exciting part because i know i’ll truly be independent by this point and have my own apartment and a salary job. then i’ll finally be free. this is what i’ve been working towards since high school and it’s almost here. as much as i don’t envision my future and as exhausting as the present typically is, this is the one thing pushing me to keep working.

i feel at peace with where i am right now. i’m satisfied with myself. and happy. the breakup was not something i saw happening this year at all, but i’m glad i was able to process that and move on. i’m ok. i truly feel ok. i’m surprisingly happy. and i can say this because my anxiety and frustration and depression and feelings of being overwhelmed and not taking care of myself - alllllllllllll of that subsided when the semester finished and also after the breakup. so i guess it signified that a change needed to happen. i’m not mad at it, it’s something to learn from.

lol hopefully this time next year, imma have my feet kicked back in my new apartment, be vaccinated, have a job offer lined up, and maybe even a pet lmfao idk. or if i’m really lucky, maybe i’ll be at a party for the first time in my life like i’ve always wanted to. new york, times square? who knows haha. but for the first time, i’m fucking optimistic.

[u-r--lovely]

Quarantine Recovery Update:

I’ve been in my house for ten days now and damn idk how I’m gonna be able to keep this up. Things are extremely toxic with my family members. I don’t deserve to be surrounded by screaming and violence and blood and broken glass. I just don’t. I miss school, and internship, and taking the train everyday and seeing friends. I just want stability and right when I felt like I was kind of getting it—all this shit happens. All I wanna do is numb my pain through selfharm and starving but I know that it won’t help me either. My plan rn is to move out June first into a nearby apartment. I have enough saved up for the rent and all but I’m just not 100% sure I’ll be able to pay for food/transportation/therapy/meds. Hopefully I can get food stamps and my mom could help me pay for the rest of the stuff but I’m not fully sure. So I plan to calculate how much those things are gonna cost, see what my mom can pay, snd figure out how many extra hours I’ll have to work. I have been doing my best with food though like even if Ive been having bad days I still pick myself back up and do eat lots of snacks if I can’t get myself to have a meal. Body image flows a lot, some days I love every inch of my body and other days I just wanna hide. I knowwww in my heart that this shit takes time but damn I never thought I’d be isolated in my room for an extended amount of time either. Just praying that I can keep moving forward with a daily schedule and try to use this process as a way to practice a lot of boundary making and self soothing.