#it isn't a competition obviously
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Anyone else just casually collecting trauma from their family members
Like at this point I can't even be upset about it because it's given me bragging rights and fun stories to tell at parties
You've got mommy and daddy issues? I’ve got issues with the whole family tree, name a relative and I've probably got some tragic backstory to share about them
#all jokes of course#all trauma is valid#it isn't a competition obviously#it's great for personality development#and I love sharing tragic backstories back and forth#any reason to bring up the time my uncle broke into my house and refused to leave for months#or when my other uncle tried to frame my mom for almost two hundred thousand dollars of theft#or when my mom left me to live alone in her house while she partied in a different province#or when my dads family decided I wasnt biologically related for skme reason so they actively hated me from birth to the present day#okay I’m done#trauma dumping#but honestly#I think its funny#these tags are getting out of hand#they’re a novel#if you made it this far I’m sorry#but also congratulations#you win some insight to my tragic backstory
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What did/do you like about Pharah?
Uh, gameplay-wise, I really love characters in shooters who rely on three-dimensional movement techs. Chaining together hover and jump to stay in the air for as long as possible and keep momentum is so satisfying, and picking enemies off from the sky made me feel like a bird of prey. I was a good Pharah main.
Story-wise, there unfortunately isn't much to canonically go off because Pharah is so underutilized and neglected. Her personality's pretty boilerplate "heroic hero" (she's literally inspired by Captain America).
But it's the crumbs/bits and pieces that I really latched onto. Pharah's a confirmed lesbian; her short story with Baptiste implies she harbors a crush on Mercy (fucking thank you.). She's biracial Egyptian/First Nations. She has major mommy issues, having grown up both admiring and resenting Ana. She's the bridge between Old Overwatch, inspired by the idealized heroes who surrounded her childhood, and New Overwatch. She's one of the only inter-generational characters in the cast; someone whose experiences span the gap, which is why I seriously believe Pharah would make a great main character.
There isn't much to go off of, though; she's a very uncomplicated character (she's a soldier for a private military corporation, lol.). But that just means she's a blank slate character, so I've seen fanfic writers run wild and create some really interesting takes on her. My favorite interpretation of her's a dense, herbo gym-bro type (a lot of her liens are about work outs, exercising, and playing sports) who's easily excitable under her seemingly self-serious, armored visage. We see how she tends to gloat and hype herself up when she's on a streak too, so Pharah definitely has a competitive and boastful side under her more professional and militant performance.
Now Mercy? Mercy is a real complex character.
#i was a diehard pharmercy shipper back then btw#the inherent homoerotic experience of pharmercy gameplay.#the homoerotic experience of looking to the skies to fly to safety under the protection of your knight in shining armor#the homoerotic experience of feeling white hot murderous rage at an enemy trying to pick off your pocket mercy#i still kinda despise gency lmao. you cannot convince me mercy would be in love with genji. at all.#he'd make her feel so uncomfortable and guilty. in my head. the canon is obviously different#gency is sexless. absolutely zero bite or tension.#i could go on about mercy and how her character has so much missed potential#i'm no longer in my overwatch fandom phase but#i still think about that new flirty line they added in ow2 where mercy goes “ahh you're like my knight in shining armor!”#and pharah goes “that's what i'm goin for ;)” and i sigh dreamily#really happy that pharah outright says she's a lesbian too but it's hard to feel good about rep when you know blizzard uses it for pr#to be honest i'm willing to bet cash that blizzard's keeping pharmercy in their back pocket as ammo for the next controversy#last year we already saw logs about pharah fretting and taking care of mercy and the two talking about how good it is to see each other#tbh pharah has the same energy/demeanor as applejack. cheerful and competitive in a can of whoopass#but yeah overall pharah's a pretty shallow character. i have IDEAS on how i'd go about deepening her but. whatever#that's sorta what happens when you have to juggle a cast of 40 characters. a lot get left with the bare minimum#ok so i wrote this entire post up saying that pharah isn't in ow2's storymode when she is. she's in the story i just. forgot#because she doesn't do or contribute anything interesting#ok i'm stopping here. overwatch's story is such an interesting narrative mess i could go on for hours#i dunno how you come up with such incredible character designs and give them such an unincredible story#it's also so so so interesting seeing the conflicting takes on characters the writers have#mercy in gameplay and voicelines is peppy and cheerful and optimistic#but mercy in the storymode journal logs is tired. jaded. a total shut in who forgets to leave her room and social#and YES! THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!! THAT'S MERCY TO ME!!! THE DOCTOR WHO FORGETS TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF#ask me#anon
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WE WON FUCKING THIRD PLACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, WE'RE FUCKING AMAZING
#the context is that we had a dance competition in school while dressing up like a movie#and w my class we went as MIB😻 and danced to the official choreo (yes they have a song and a choreo)#AND WE WON THIRD PLACEEEEEEEEEE#yes i am this excited for third place#IMAGINE IF WE WON FIRST#not gonna happen w cloud's class there#i literally hate all of them too much#excepting obviously cloud and butterfly#and other two of their classmates#but the rest are mfs and i hate them#not related- this isn't cuz they won#cuz they won :3#they did great#their choreo was great#the outfits were incredible#i personally liked 8thB one's more than that one#but they both did great#anyway#THIRD PLACEEEEEEEEEEEEE#lee#just a lee talking
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You started with 25 points more than the most dangerous opponent... «Yes, we really can't ask for more. The start has been fantastic, but we must not lose sight of the fact that the season is long.» And Lorenzo? “There has been little talk about him this weekend, but he had a great race. He wasn’t 100% fit, he fought and in the end he got 20 points. Stoner was good… but let’s not forget Lorenzo.” How do you explain Stoner's mistake? "Well... let's hope he decides to go a bit slower now, so we can all go more calmly (laughs). He was pushing really hard..."
Qatar 2010 (x)
#okay let's ignore for a second how obviously everything here ages extremely poorly. let's pretend this isn't moments before disaster#pretend that it's early 2010. the universe is full of hope and promise. anything could happen#maybe ducati isn't ass. maybe valentino isn't about to fuck his shoulder. maybe a competitive title fight is possible. who knows#anyways. valentino just had a title fight against jorge but still agrees that his most dangerous opponent is casey........... noticing#please slow down casey :)) he's just going so so fast :))#it is genuinely criminal we didn't get another proper title fight between them after 2008. they were both clearly gagging for it#//#brr brr#heretic tag#wall tag
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So I'm cross posting the link to the My Dress Up Darling fic I finished. It's here on Tumblr as well, but I seem to get more traction if I cross post anyway.
And since I didn't just want to leave it at that, I want to talk about a headcanon idea I've had in mind for Wakana Gojo for a while now.
Basically, he makes street wear, but with his own take on it. He makes his samues and jinbeis, but now they're anime themed. And I'm not saying they looked like they were bought from Shein or Temu. You know, those cheap looking shirts and jackets that look like Goku's top or Deku's hero uniform that you sometimes see in shitty ads. I'm talking well thought out, genuine effort went into this, top quality design.
design description under the cut.
For example, I'm using the in-universe game "Coffin" and I'm gonna assume that it's their version of our Doki Doki Literature Club.
Could you absolutely take a samue, make it black and white, and just slather it in blood stains and nun imagery? Sure, but that's not what the game is. It was implied to be a subtle and unnerving build up to the bigger picture. So here's my idea on how to go about this.
First off, the base of the top would be made out of two different fabrics, but made to be the same color. For example, cotton and velour. While the same color, they catch and reflect light differently. The way I'm seeing it is since they're the same color, you could make a subtler pattern that might not be noticeable in low light, but more pronounced in brighter or more direct light. Looks like a black top, but wait! There appears to be a picture of severed hands praying.
There is red in the outfit, but it's all on the inside. You could only see it if you bent the right way or lifted your arms up enough to look down them.
There is nun imagery, but it's not blatant. Stitching on the cuffs looks like little white crosses and instead of the small bow tie that holds the top's panels together, it's a belt made out of wooden beads to represent a rosary. Maybe some of the little crosses have a red X on them to represent the dead sisters that get murdered in the game.
It's meant to come across as gothic and simple in inspiration and entices you in closer to look at its details, but once you do, you can't help but see that it's actually disturbing. That's what the game was and that's how Gojo represents it through clothing design. ( or a possible example at least)
I could totally see him coming up with a design for Flower Princess Blaze or Mandate of Heaven. (Mayyybe not Slippery Girls. (*・~・*).
Just something he could come up with to wear to conventions without feeling out of place or left out. He gets wears something he's comfortable in and its nerdy/ high quality so that's bound to make friends/meet people that could share interests with him.
#he makes cosplay and Hina doll outfits.#you can't tell me there isn't a bucket of scraps in the back of a closet somewhere.#I just think it would be a productive use of them#Gojo obviously doesn't need more shit to worry about on his plate#but making an outfit for himself just once couldn't hurt#I think it would be a massive confidence boost for him.#He wouldn't last on Project Runway though.#the anxiety and the other people would kill him.#I feel like he would get unintentionally adopted by some members on PR too. They just see him as a precious bean#and maybe protect him against the other assholes during the competition.#just imagine a line of comfy/casual line of tasteful anime inspired wear.#gojo wakana#marin kitagawa#my dress up darling#headcanon#ao3#ao3 link#fanfic writing#sono bisque doll wa koi wo suru
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hi kay!! i keep telling myself i need to watch mp100 since it’s supposed to be so good, but i watched the first couple of episodes a while back and didn’t love them. does that mean i won’t like the whole show, or does it sort of grow into itself?
Hii Astrid!! 💜💜 I'm actually thrilled to get this question because I usually field it while reccing the show!! (Prepare for, just, so much text.) I promise it isn't (just) my bias talking when it say yes, it absolutely does grow into itself! I think to an uncertain viewer, the first episodes, especially the first one, are best viewed while keeping in mind that they're setting up the characters and world (not to mention showing off their animation chops) in them. I know I certainly wasn't super interested by them either when I first started watching the show, which is why I'm so excited to defend it!!
Personally, I was truly hooked onto the show by episode five! I'm not sure where you left off at, but if you didn't get to five, I think it's the first one which felt so visceral that it was upsetting AND which showcased the real ethos and struggles mob has in the show to me. After there, things start snowballing quickly, so if you haven't hit five, I'd really really urge you to watch it! In my opinion, the action and character stakes pick up right around there too, so it is 100% (hehe) worth sticking around for.
Not to mention: I think the one sad thing about mp100 getting supremely popular (plus, uh, reigensweep) is that people go into the show knowing that reigen is the most character of all time, but part of the fun is starting off FUCKING HATING HIM. I was genuinely convinced the reigen love was an elaborate joke when I started the show, and being proved wrong felt RAPTUROUS. That is not an exaggeration. There's a reason that I've rewatched the s1 finale more times than I care to count. And, just so I can make a sales pitch one more time: mob psycho 100, with no exaggeration, might be the story which has caused me to cry more consistently than any other media, which is HIGH praise coming from me. I've never met a narrative of its kind which handles its themes with more love or care. I mean it
Tl;dr: yes, the first episodes are slow, but that makes the payoff of going through with the show a thousandfold more potent!!! The pacing in the beginning is much slower, and you could say that the characters are still feeling themselves out. I am sure you'll like the show if you give it a chance, and I really really hope you'll grow to love it as much as I do!!!! Happy watching!!!!!!!
#HIIIII BESTIE :DDDD omg omg i hope you've been well!!!!#i'm SO glad you asked me this#because a) you've activated my trap card#and b) i genuinely do warn people the first episode or so might not be to their taste when reccing the show!#again i wasn't very into it until five--but upon rewatching i really enjoy all of s1! and obviously i adore the entire show!!!#also speaking of; i misspoke: it isn't THE media to make me cry most consistently#but it's second only to NIGHT VALE. and together those two make up the shows i would tell people explain my personality and beliefs best.#so it's not a competition :)#alright again sorry a lotta lotta text but this truly isn't meant to con you into watching a show you won't enjoy!#mp100 sits at the top of my anime faves list for a DAMN good reason and i really hope it can join yours too 💜💜💜#asks#emp4#kay talks#friend tag
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These two would have the weirdest friendship, of course they would make their dance snake cult-themed
#it's supposed to be a paso doble#obviously the snake cult move isn't recognised in competition standards but do they care? no#ofmd scd au#archie ofmd#archie#roach ofmd#my art#our flag means death#ofmd
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Some people... really should not be running these poll competitions.
#i don't give a shit about bracket seeding and how good/bad it is#(outside of when joke options are added that are obviously gonna kick ass until they get to the popular characters#because then you have loved but somewhat niche characters not even making it past round one for the sake of a joke#not the end of the world but it bothers me on the competitions not doing redemption rounds)#bracket seeding with a variety of fictional characters you may or may not know is difficult and a lot of people#are just using it as an excuse to get upset that their small-fandom character didn't make it very far#but some of the behaviour of certain mods has shown that they really should not have stepped up to hosting these#obviously these are silly little internet competitions so no one is obligated to do this that or the other#but when you have people shocked that X didn't get in and then publicly state that they got a lot of nominations#but you didn't add them because you 'didn't feel like it/didn’t want to' then... why are you running a competition where a lot of people#would obviously want to see them compete? and not bother putting in the rules that you wouldn't add certain people or some shit?#(if they/their source/etc make you uncomfortable sure but not letting them compete because... you don't want to? really?)#or if you get so worked up by certain jokes common to this website that you have to make multiple posts IN ALL CAPS#and threaten to block anyone making harmless jokes not aimed at anyone specific that are - again - extremely common on here#maybe you shouldn't be running a public competition on a website known for that kind of humour#'it's a silly internet competition this behaviour is unacceptable and you all shouldn't be taking it so seriously'#I'm sorry but YOU are the only one upset here#you are the only one taking those jokes seriously#blocking people for having fun in a way you don't like so they can't participate in a public-facing lighthearted tournament isn't cool#maybe just don't run a public event next time if you can't handle it#it's one thing to start something for fun and get stressed because people are being rude to you or threatening each other#or accusing you of seeding things so that Their Specific Guy would lose early or any manner of having to put up with bullshit#you shouldn't have to just for running what should be a fun event#but if you can't run it honestly/be open about why certain things are how they are/who is and isn't allowed#or if you hand-pick all of the nominees and have a tantrum when people ask about certain characters#or if you can't see people having fun in a certain way without throwing an accusatory screaming public tantrum#literally WHY did you sign up to run one of these competitions in the first place?#you CLEARLY are not having fun and seem averse to the idea of anyone else having fun either#there's nothing wrong with acknowledging you're too high-strung too controlling or too uncomfortable with certain popular characters#to be able to run one of these tournaments. i sure as hell know i couldn't and I'm not stupid enough to run one about animatronics either
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So, me and Henry are 2 parts of the extended friend-iverse. We also have several other creatives and one happens to be a really fucking good musician. I hadn't listened to much of his work and it's BRILLIANT. I'd only been to a couple live shows.
Oh my god I might actually be able to bring him onto the project.
Check him out
#I'm gonna make Cauterized fucking SLAM with music because there are some nice soundtracks on others but none of them THUMP their base#Obviously this isn't the thumping music but I wanted a lot of different genres#So like my friend group is an ex-robotics team. We all used to compete in high school. I did the costume design for the competitions :')#So now we all do really unusual things#When Henry randomly decided to be an influencer the whole group shifted and I think we all became a little weirder#Spotify#I'm planning on bringing in another one of the guys and using his poetry as a prop#It's gonna be so interconnected#Cauterized
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I've been trying to buy a kalimba these past few days but i haven't found the right one yet
BUT
it made me think, what if sokka had bought a kalimba on one of his shopping trips? and the gaang would sometimes play tunes on it while flying on appa to pass the time and somehow they end up composing "Avatar's Love" and it ends up as their goodnight song that always gets played by whoever is on nightwatch
also toph sometimes bends it out of tune just to be annoying (it always ends up perfectly in tune around bedtime though. wouldn't want to miss sokka bangin out the tunes)
#atla#avatar#avatar the last airbender#gaang#sokka#toph#aang would obviously have a great influence on the invention of Avatar's Love for obvious reasons#katara as well for equally obvious reasons#but it's still a group project in the end#sokka writes down the notation for the song so they don't accidentally forget parts of it#the paper never really gets used though since he taught toph how to play it until they both had it memorized#and now whenever someone is a little lost they just ask one of them#sokka and toph also try to play tons of energetic songs#they have kalimba playing sessions like rap battles#if i had a copper piece for every time katara had to heal someone's thumbs because of a kalimba related accident I'd have two copper pieces#which isn't much#but it's weird that it happened twice#ok nah it actually isn't that weird considering the competitiveness that overcomes them when they kalimbattle#also. it's still sokka's kalimba in the end#which means it has a golden tassel and blue markings on the tines#and hooks to attach a chain!! he wanted to be fancy and spent a little extra money just for that feature#zuko joins the gaang and buys his own kalimba at some point#it has a lotus carving around the resonance hole#zuko#aang#katara#ALSO#imagine sokka trying to impress yue and suki with his at that point still mediocre playing skills#it's terrible from an outsider's perspective but it seems to be working?? somehow???#they find it endearing
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my most fatal flaw is that I love to build little model kits/legos/miniature dollhouses and stuff of that caliber but they 1. are expensive and 2. take up a lot of space I don't have but I just can't stop myself
I've been looking wistfully at those cute diy book nooks for years and honestly I'm very lucky that a lack of book space has been a sisyphean problem in my life because that means it's much easier to convince myself not to get them, therefore saving me money. on the other hand it's really depressing that I can never get one of those book nooks because every bookshelf in the house is too full, especially since I love books, like, in general and as an aesthetic, and a lot of them are book or wizard related. hell world
#me post#side note it's really funny looking at the wizard stuff cutebee has#they have 4 common room kits#there's flame common room: the red and gold one with a lot of emphasis on competition and honor#fantastic animal common room: the yellow and black one that's really into animals#nebula common room: the blue and white one with an emphasis on seeking knowledge#and then darkness common room is the least subtle lmao#it's green and silver and focuses on power and secrets and is in a dark stone area#it's all obviously based on hp but they made sure to change things just enough that it *isn't*#like all the animals representing the 4 different groups are slightly different#dragon instead of lion; rhino instead of badger; owl instead of raven; lizard instead of snake (this one's so funny what were they cooking)#and that all makes this so much funnier. this is BOOTLEG hp
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i'm thinking too hard abt jjk after rewatching that fookin movy smh
#i already had the Realization that teen gojo geto shoko are just yuji megumi nobara like. immediately. almost brought me to tears#but. i also just had the realization that toge yuta maki in jjk0 Also are a bit yuji megumi nobara#this might be Nothing but i was thinking it. they have their hair styled differently than s1. it hit me#oh nay#and then obviously also thinking very much abt geto & gojo. hard not to. they steal the show#i was thinking that. like. they're just kids who got along in high school. how did all of this happen to them#like other duos take vash&nico or dazai&chuuya they are somewhat bound by circumstances#vash & nico maybe would have never met If. dazai & chuuya BARELY get along as it is they're BARELY friends they're more just#Tied together. fate and powers and this and that. and gojo & geto COULD have been that they're strong they're#bound in complicity and competition but it's Not that. they were just classmates. first and foremost. isn't that horrid#and then also just gojo reinforcing his main goal of Making Sure Kids Get To Be Kids bc that's what he wanted to do for riko and that's what#he didn't get to do himself and then i was thinking nanami sorta does the same but like. the way an Adult would think abt it#like he wants the kids to be kids by protecting them from things that are just too rough to see#but the way gojo does it is like. childish. he doesn't want to Protect them he wants them to have the chance to. fuck around & find out LMAO#etc etc. many thots. only few discussed w gioele
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is anybody else upset that instead of authors' unions and the development of labor power, every ounce of discourse and effort towards writers making a living wage is geared towards digital intellectual property rights and digital theft protection. like i don't know about anybody else but I am actually not excited for major publishing companies to be algorithmically searching for and DMCA striking books that are "similar enough" to their copyright. I don't trust AI to be able to tell when something is adulterated metadata vs when something is just very similar. I fucking hate DRM already. I hate buying a book and either being restricted in use of my property or taking it through multiple complicated steps to remove it for an epub file compatible with calibre, where I can file and tag it appropriately.
and i don't think we're going to find any kind of salvation for writers and writing this way. I think we're going to launch another digital arms race (like with removing DRM) while continuously empowering the already wealthy to consolidate power and crush meaningful change through slap suits and the like.
and this is because digital theft is the only problem that the publishing industry is willing to address. because strengthening intellectual property protections doesn't protect art or artists, it allows the big players to better control the playing field and force it to benefit themselves.
Okay, this may prove useful.
#i love writing. i love reading. i love authors. i want them to live well and i want to thank them for the gift of their story#i do not think that the solution proposed solves any of the actual problems here. at best it's a bandaid. at worst its muddy cloth shoved#into an open wound to staunch the bleeding.#i don't think that better anti-theft software is going to improve the wider cost of living crisis causing this behavior OR the remarkably#exploitive nature of the publishing industry which was difficult to make a living in when people COULD actually pay for books.#i think it's just going to give massive corporations another way to disincentivize competition and punish poor people.#also truly sick to death of how willing some artists are to see their poor fans and readers as the primary barrier standing between them an#financial solvency. like 'if the poors would JUST PAY everything would be fine. if we could just STOP ALL THE THEFT everything will be fine#i don't think that's correct! i think that's trying to squeeze blood from a stone#constant reminder that criminalized theft is overwhelmingly a desperation crime and when people HAVE money they pay for their shit.#this isn't a defense of the scam companies ripping off books and selling them. obviously i do not think that's a desperation crime.#what i AM saying is that they're catering to a market publishing companies wrote off by making damn near every book $25+ when overhead on#producing more digital files is literally $0. maybe the greed is a big problem. maybe an inflated price point increases theft.#+ pretending Art and Writers are a special case where the dynamics of class and access we're SO comfortable applying everywhere else#somehow do not count. like because it's Art it's More Wrong to steal than food or whatever. 'you don't have a right to their art! you can g#without!' right after posts explaining that yes having fun is medically necessary. if you cant pay for food you cant pay for fun.#you still need both.#i think poor readers and fans are going for cheap or free stuff because we're in a recession/depression/cost of living crisis and they#can't pay for ANYTHING.#what did we expect to happen when we decided to lock every facet of human life behind a paywall. that they'd just politely disappear?#i hate living in the gilded age 2.0. hate the crabs in a bucket effect. hate that the richest are getting away with it while we scratch eac#other's eyes out and blame the vulnerable for failing to perfect cultural abstinence in order to mitigate the impacts of elite greed#rich people made this mess. go after the rich people. they've got literally all the money anyway.
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Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................
Well, it's only half related.
We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.
I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...
I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.
Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?
Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.
November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?
There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.
I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.
...push it back down.
Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.
It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.
I don't know you.
I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?
Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.
It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.
I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.
... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.
I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.
...
I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.
I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.
Will someone just let me say that?
Will someone just fucking help for once?
#sh tw#(implied - i know i didnt actually say it in the post but yes i did c** myself sunday)#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#im cursed with being a bit too self aware so#i think its compounded by my nepotism hire ... not letting me do my nepotism hire things#(for legal reasons i cannot say)#and then to add to that not letting me do anything I probably COULD actually do given slightly more instruction (at guard)#its just ... im a very angry person actually . except right now thats because im not EATING RIGHT EITHER#BECAUSE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ARE COMBINING INTO ONE BIG INTERCONNECTED PROBLEM#back to my point.#guard instructors decided that for my first year i will not do anything cool because i'm not able to learn in about 2 seconds flat#[read: get very upset very quickly when i get things wrong and then . cant do them because im trying not to have a breakdown over]#[something REALLY STUPID like NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SIMPLE TURN WHILE MOVING WITH THE FLAG]#so like okay. i get it okay. i'm not good at this. could you at least TELL ME i suck so i can feel justified about feeling bad about it.#could you just fucking tell me this isn't a guard where you can show up with no experience. could you do me a real solid and tell me that.#i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition'#really i just hate how much he yells at us. not even at ME because i do so little there is no room to fuck it up. just at everyone else .#it doesn't motivate me to come back but i NEED 'friends' so bad and i love performing so now i just get anxious enough that i cant eat ..#.. before going to rehearsal. which is stupid. because i've done it a million times before.#......#i'm just.... everyone says he isn't actually that bad. & he used to be worse. so it really is just me.#it's just me being oversensitive. because i've never had any REAL experience in ... just about anything#so; yes. it IS on me how I feel and obviously how I react. and I keep pushing it down because it's stupid; really; to still feel this way.#anyways. our last weekend without a competition is this very weekend#so you'll never guess who's having a REALLY FUCKING HARD TIME trying to practice#i'm like this close to going to bed early and without having done the dance warmup for the third day in a row.#лёва there is no TIME why are you STILL NOT PRACTICING for the love of god get it together#(oh also when i say 'friends' in quotes it is because i desparately want to believe we're friends but they dont even talk to me really)#(and because im not even IN most of the show theres not much to bond over. literally like i have everything down Decent enough (apparently)#so theres not even any 'i will help u with this toss' team bonding. no shared moment of we are all out of breath because i DONT DO ANYTHING
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the weirdest thing to me is that the highschool swimming competition/aoi beating jun beinf portrayed to like traumatic extents to jun is like a surprisingly recurrent, consistent and relevant thing relative to the yk, Going To Dante's Inferno and Saving The World From Pandaemonium scales of stakes, but kurosaki herself is very sidelined lol
#txt#aoi is fr the only character jun is consistently and obviously uncomfortable with like no other#like okay even if it was a demon posession against her will aoi still technically tried to kill/SA jun so shes is in her place to not be#very sociable to her even if she isn't holding too deep a grudge abt that. but you can tell a lot of#that a lot of it it's still abt the hs competition thing even so long into the story.#like on a grander scale it's a little silly to get PTSD over a hs swimming competition but considering#it that was a passion for her and a very possible career choice that she had to abandon so like im not#gonna taunt that a lot. so like yeah i get that it's very relevant to jun.#but oddly enough as i said aoi herself doesn't directly have so much of a presence or relationship of any kind on#foot with jun. even though on her side jun not only as rivals but through admiration etc is v important to her#but they don't really interact much so that's very weird? it doesn't get closure either#yes many other things in the ending dont do either but im biased there was potential here tsk
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no one can convince me brucie wayne isn't the type of celebrity to have released his own songs and so he appears as a guest judge on singing shows and it's always incredibly funny
and everyone thinks he's songs are going to be terrible but they're actually really fucking good
when he's pre-children it's just his vocals and piano playing, sometimes alfred makes a cameo with an instrument or two
then he starts adopting and slowly his songs start to gain new instruments and voices, they start branching into different genres
and some of the songs are really silly and obviously written as jokes by his children, some are heartfelt and heartbreaking
and anytime anyone in his family brings him lyrics he produces and releases the songs no matter what (this includes any of his close friends)
of course any profits gained from the songs are funded to different charities, all specifically chosen by whoever created the song - or if bruce created the song they all chose a different charity and let a spinny wheel pick
oliver queen often challenges bruce to music competitions, knowing he'll lose, just so they can compete and see who can raise more money
#bruce wayne#brucie wayne#dc bruce wayne#dc#batman#dc batman#dc comics#dick grayson#jason todd#cassandra cain#cass cain#tim drake#timothy drake#duke thomas#damian wayne#alfred pennyworth#oliver queen#green arrow#nightwing#red hood#red robin#black bat#the signal#robin#batfam#batfamily#dc batfam
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