#it happens so much that i KNOW it has something im doing but I cant seem to stop doing whatever it is 😭
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Coming back to you with another request cuz I loved your previous work
Boothill, Welt, Ratio, Jing Yuan and Gallagher with the same platonic teen reader premise but reader calls them ,,Dad" on accident and they themselves don't even notice it because it comes so naturally to them
🌑so glad you liked it🥺🥺also the dad's of all time yes yes!! Also my internet has been fucked lately that's why uploads are slow sowy 🥺
✦ 𝐁𝐨𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐥 ✦
If you look at his lore, he was actually a dad (😭 my Shayla) so yeah big chance he won't notice at all
Because of the trauma associated with his family in general, he'll notice it eventually and be a bit conflicted
On one hand, he's absolutely delighted at the fact that despite being almost entirely made of metal, you are still able to find such fundamentally human comfort within him
And on the other hand, he has a hard time accepting that the man he was before didn't actually die along with most of his body
He won't ever correct you tho, at the end of the day he's just grateful that he's still able to make young folk feel safe around him
Reminds him that he's still human🥺
✦ 𝐖𝐞𝐥𝐭 ✦
Did you see the way he basically adopted Sunday the moment he stepped on the express?? Yeah, that's dad right there
He basically adopts every kid (as in, anyone younger than him) that steps aboard the express, so i feel like someone else might've already called him before and he just brushed it off
Same with you, though in his heart he's over the moon
All he wants in life is to make everyone around him feel safe and loved, so to know that you of all people seem to think of him in such a way really warms his heart
Though he'll never point it out in fear of making you embarrassed
He's overjoyed!! But internally :)
✦ 𝐃𝐫. 𝐑𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨 ✦
Truly baffled, at first
He's aware of his reputation and he doesn't mind it but he never expected someone to him that way
Though he's (not so) secretly very pleased
At his core, he's a teacher and that's what he loves to do - spread knowledge to all who seek it
And I'm sorry for reminding you of this but most of us have called our teacher mom/dad before so...
There's a slight chance it's happened before... also a slight chance he very dryly corrected them - "last time i checked i have no children" 🙄
Might do the same to you unless he's in one of his moods, writing down information or just lost in thought - then he'll probably just wave you away wordlessly
I feel like he understands on a behavioral level why you did it and because of it, wont comment on it or bring it up again. It's just something people do sometimes, nothing weird about it
The most neutral out of all of them but will make a mental note about how it probably means you trust him at least a little
When he lets himself be selfish and overthink it, it does warm his heart but you'll never know
✦ 𝐉𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐘𝐮𝐚𝐧 ✦
Actual father to Yanqing YOU CANT CHANGE MY MIND!!
Ooooh he's tearing his hair out trying not to tease you about it
He knows that if he does you'll crawl back in your shell again and thats tHEEE last thing he wants in life, really
It's easy to feel comfortable around him, i feel. He's just a big lazy cat - pretty independent and chill
He's good at just being there when you need him there as well as talking your ear off as a distraction - peak comfort
Definately called Jingliu 'mom' as a kid, come on
And Yanqing did the same with him
So it doesnt surprise him much since he understands its a pretty normal thing but GOOOOD he wants to acknowledge it so BAAADD
HE WANTS TO MAKE IT SILLY BUT NOOOOO 😭
He's an adult now (a very old one at that) so he understands that now is NOT the time
Will keep thinking back on it fondly tho :))
✦ 𝐆𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐠𝐡𝐞𝐫 ✦
Oh oh my... he gives so much deadbeat dad I'm getting nostalgic IM KIDDING
Anyway, as a bartender, i feel like thats happened to him before
People say weird shit when they're drunk so it's very likely someone's called him dad before
Though that feels very different to him
When people do that when drunk it doesn't usually mean anything - he must just remind them of their father (for good or bad) so he doesn't take it too seriously
But you? Oh he's taking it seriously
Ego? Inflated to hell and back
He's being extra sweet and caring with you
Making sure you eat and rest, etc
Gotta live up to his reputation 😉
The dad who stepped up fr
Might tease you about it, but if you have an adverse reaction he'll stop immediately
Very touched that you think of him that way even subconsciously and will try to make sure he doesn't disappoint :)
#hsr#hsr x reader#hsr x gender neutral reader#hsr x you#hsr x y/n#star rail#honkai star rail#honkai sr#honkai star rail x reader#honkai star rail x you#honkai star rail x gender neutral reader#boothill#hsr platonic#welt yang#dr ratio#jing yuan#gallagher hsr#veritas ratio#hsr veritas#boothill x reader#hsr welt#welt x reader#jing yuan x reader#dr ratio x reader#gallagher x reader#hsr boothil#boothill x you#boothill x y/n#jing yuan x you#jing yuan x y/n
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Poor CC Mikey really had a rougher time of unlocking his ninpo huh. Little bro becomes an adult by [checks notes] stopping his brother from a suicide attempt and then violently murdering a goddess in cold blood.
Like there IS something to say about the darkly hilarious duality of the brothers going through so much character growth in CC while also CONTINUOUSLY catching Ls
i guess there is one benefit to having all of your usual coping mechanisms under stress (leo through joking his way around it and trying to lighten the load, raph through fretting and consoling others and/or you know. smashing, mikey through brute forcing his way through it via relentless optimism) COMPLETELY gutted by such a hyper-specific circumstance built to deconstruct everything about you, and its that you literally cant do that anymore and you have to actually be honest about yourself
i think leo was the only one who really kept any act up but it stripped away the layer of facade that actually made it CONVINCING, and that was his laidback attitude. when he's wildly lashing out and bristling and attempting to start fights at the beginning, its pretty easy to determine its just out of stress. he cant hide it at all and its flimsy and it breaks down fast, and it does make him a much more honest person in the end. lying was the start of everything bad that ended up happening, and its the beginning of almost every problem even after the curse is over-- he learns the hard way that lying to spare someone's feelings isnt much different, sometimes.
all of this also teaches raph patience and mikey responsibility, both things they were capable of but didnt really have in spades. trauma doesnt always make you stronger, and i tend to find that kind of talk condescending, but in this case it did strengthen a lot of weak points for them. although unfortunately i also think it caused a LOT more issues for the future, probably more weaknesses than strengths.
they'll definitely have a lot more synergy as a team, this has ultimately brought them MUCH closer together. they're more communicative and they're actually looking back at the way things were unhealthy before all of this. although they also struggle to trust themselves, cant really handle their own anger (killing will just get easier and easier if theyre pushed to do it again), can be way too single-minded, are codependent and dealing with some pretty serious separation anxiety, and will struggle to make outside connections with other people. paranoia is a problem all of them will struggle with to an extent, and overall theyve come out of this a lot more jaded and hostile. and im not even gonna START with how many issues donnie has, you already know lol
i think a lot of the time maturity comes at a cost ,,, within itself the act of growing up is a little traumatizing, because it means losing something you'll always yearn for. and after a while it's more like looping around, giving the inner child a voice again after it's spent so long stifled. they're just not at that point yet, donnie especially.
#ask#canary continuity#some of the things kitsune said were right and it makes me mad. but thats the point#the little grains of truth to some of the things said by her and through them under the curse ....#it makes it hurt all the more#i always liked her line ''with the tides you may weather the stone but you cant ignite a flame''. just slaps!#her dialogue in ch14 was fun to write even though i didnt like ch14 much and refuse to reread it LOL
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GGGGGAAHHHH I SAW THIS BUT I HAD TO WORK
NOW IM HERE AND IM GOING INSANE
Anyways-
MAD TOOK CARE OF HIS WOUNDS. MAD TOOK CARE OF HIS WOUNDS. SOMEONE HOLD ME FOWN IM GOING FERAL (did I mention I love brother dynamics in media?/J)
Always been fascinated with the Bystander Effect myself. It’s bittersweet that no one really does anything when one bad things happens until ONE person steps up to intervene. My theater friends has a running joke about it, as when we see one of us jokingly getting scolded by tech crew, we would run in and shout: “I will NOT be a bystander!!” Good times.
Ugh, Casey doesn’t even believe that someone like mad, a psychopathic child murderer, would actually tend to the bullets wounds and keep him alive if not wanting something from him. Mad just wants to have his baby brother back (he still believes that he can have a relationship with Casey as if the things he did doesn’t matter)
FNAF LORE MENTIONED!! Actually insane that the goofy puppet hand animatronics are possessed by the ghosts of children, the FNAF:TM lore is just as crazy as the game version cuz it’s doing too much 😭
OOOO POCKET WATCH COMIC MOMENT MENTIONED TOO!! Also, I can’t wait to put more dept into them as kids and their relationship with Father Time (the man under the clock for those wondering) and yes, he will be based on a YouTuber >:)
Ugh, love the way you described Mad’s robot hands, gives me chills legit. I also feel that despite the hatred, the small inner child of Casey who adored Mad is the reason he asked about his hands.
Now THIS is why he’s a detective/private investigator, he knows so much from just the evidence he gains and caught Mad off guard, that’s my man! (Proud creator moment)
Get him Casey, rip on him and his flaws and insecurities! Tear down his pride and make him feel insignificant against all those other criminals!! >:)
GOD the way Mad’s anger issues is written I was scared for my boy Casey 😔 I like the thought of him storming out to try and calm down to not and accidentally hurt him reminds me whenever I annoy my brother too much he’ll proceed to walk away into his room in order to not drop kick me.
Poor Azalea, having to be the one able to fit through the doggy door, but I guess that’s an upside to being the shortest ig. Cal will definitely make fun of her in the future lmao.
Casey is completely done with these people lol, my man just revealed himself from the shadows and only then actually gave those two a scare. Bro does NOT want to deal with Mad, nevertheless the Pentas members.
He doesn’t even believe that they willingly went out of their way to rescue him 😭 he needs to know there’s people who care about him (even if in a weird way of caring)
Poor guy, he’s having a ptsd moment. Would give him a big old hug if I wasn’t scared to go near him. (Also logically you don’t hug someone who is in a mental state while experiencing ptsd anyways-)
Mad stalking around looking Casey while he trying to coax him into coming out is giving when your siblings hits you too hard and they’re trying to make you not cry to your parents 🥲 that was me on both ends fr
Since Ethan is 5’8, I give his props for carrying Casey’s 6’3 ass away while Azalea helps her brother.
GIRLBOSS MOMENT FROM AZALEA YOU GO GIRL!! INJECT VENOM INTO HIS BLOOD STREAM AND MAKE HIM WRITHE IN AGONY!!
It’s giving that one blooper moment FNAF:TM where Matt accidentally threw the chair into the wall so hard it got stuck and they just stood there like 🧍🧍
Audibly chuckled on the Tuna melt comment, never fail to make me laugh Caliban.
RRAHHHG I CANT WAIT FOR MORE!! Waiting for more Phoenix lol. Bet Scout is excited to see Casey again, cuz I am excited to see more snippets!
You changed,
You haven’t
A follow up to our lovely collab with @wouldntyou-liketoknow, this is more of a flashback to kinda get into the relationship between Casey and Mad through Mad’s eyes. It may never erase what he’s done, but it may show a glimpse as to why he can’t seem to let Casey go.
Has always been, and always will be known as a monster, yet one soul decided to take a chance, to hold his hand and make him feel something more than just a monster. He was more in that person’s eyes, and he never wanted to let go of that feeling. The simple single touch of another who never views him as nothing more than a…
Shame he no longer can feel the touch.
@crazy-obsessed-enby @iswmperson @lexusinsannus @sammys-magical-au @wouldntyou-liketoknow @the-matpat-ever
He can only dream.
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also i think if roleswap laios and canon laios met theyd immediately start fighting.
#canon laios would blurt out 'why do you look like our dad' and fisticuffs ensue.#shuro........ is a little more complicated#if canon shuro doesnt think too hard about it and just treats the other him like a stranger then theres no problem#on the other hand i imagine he holds himself to high standards and if he sees his other self doing things he considers improper or uncouth.#i imagine hed only speak up if he saw it happen A Lot like hed pull him aside like hey... what the fuck#thered be a bit of 'holy shit i woulda turned out like THAT??' on both sides#roleswap shuro would often get frustrated but i think hed understand that like. thats how the culture is like he lived it too#but i think similarly hed watch laios steamroll og shuro and eventually be like. DUDE. just say something#shorter fuse lmao. anyways still turning this AU over in my head#how much more forward can shuro be before hes unbelievably out of character...#and what if they switched universes!!!!#if laios switched. it would be immediately obvious something is up in the og universe but it may be chalked up to like#a weird mood..... though maybe the party starts to wonder 'hey... is it not possible this is a shapeshifter' 😭#but og laios in the roleswap universe...#tbh havent thought too hard on what the party dynamics in that universe might be like assuming all else is the same save for the roleswap#i imagine chilchuck would still get on alright as long as hes being paid upfront and laios is still attentive/ recognises his abilities#and limitations also. marcille................................... hmm#she might treat him more formally and be less close.... may perceive him as more threatening at first meeting#(in terms of like. 'taking falin away' i mean if that makes sense)#but well. u kno how in canon laios Does notice a lot of things about his companions and has a very pragmatic view that surprises them#and they dont tend to notice until he says it aloud because its often overlooked cos of his. everything else.#well. id imagine roleswap laios still notices things but simply would not say it aloud.#the party would also be like .. dude... did he hit his head#if SHURO swapped...................... well it depends when exactly it happened#i imagine it could be a bigger issue with the retainers#im losing steam cos my lower back hurt so bad adgfsdfg i cant get a good position on this chair#but for shuro himself i imagine it would be nightmarish lmao.#roleswap (henceforth RS) shuro would wake up as an adult with the retainers like. ??? was that all a dream?? did i never make it out#meanwhile og shuro ending up god knows where..........#if he ended up with the retainers again he might not immediately realise somethings amiss and try to act normally
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#hi im j here 2 talk . saw this cow yday so i drew her and now u get 2 say hi#but omffgg my gd i dont know if any of u relate but i feel like my ability to socialize w others#specifically online and speciifically in interest-circles has gotten so much harder for no reason whatsoever#like im just becoming more self conscious ab how i portray myself and its so weird bc like . LIKEE I DONT KNOW like . ok#people r super njce . always super nice and reach out to me and talk w me or i reach out first and they respond and r soo sweet#and something happens in my brain where like . i feel like im suddenly like . inserting myself where i dont belong (not true) but why am i#the bus driver all of a sudden . in all of these situations . me when i just show up like hey#i think i j feel annoying >__< . and i dont want to bother other people but said people r literally never bothered ykwim like Will Reach Out#and im the one that pulls back but 4 no reason . i cant even think ab why i do that .why am i doing this 🧨#so many ppl i want to genuinely befriend in all of these spaces but im self sabotaging soo frwaking bad#literally rn thinking of some dms i left on read bc i panicked or mutuals ive talked w before who im nervous 2 be familiar w . hrmm#anyways . i kind of wish i had the ability 2 just talk to new people and not actually gaf ab the outcome#HELPP .. early tmblr or wcf or devart where u have thirty million friends 2 now where u r too scared 2 say hi to an almost friend .#me problem though . if not alr clear HEJAHHAAHA i think part of my reluctance also stems from the fact that i know i get this way#and so i dont want 2 rope someone else into that insecurity so i try to keep it at an arms length until i fix it#but i think i also know its a longer & more introspective thing to work on so i do need to just try anyways
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Understandably So no one mentions charles when talking about the Logan movie and again Understandably So This Aint Bout Him however i do confess that as someone who had never seen Logan until like. a month ago when i was binging all the movies and without knowing a single thing about it aside from laura i cant lie i was in fact jumpscared by him being there. especially for at least like 3/4s of the movie
#xmen#logan movie#snap chats#i be ramblin today hello ...#it was a pleasant jumpscare. yk until he died. after realizing he committed atrocities by accident 😭😭💀 OLD MAN NOOO#but no please LIKE I READ THE DESCRIPTION WHEN GOING TO WATCH RIGHT#AND I WAS JUST THINKING 'oh he'll probably be here for like twenty minutes. wdym he's here for way longer than that'#i THINK years ago i REMEMBER seeing a screenshot of the hotel bit with laura and charles but again that was years ago#and i might be tricking myself maybe its a false memory jealvvelka either way i just know they were cute :(#point is he was here for. i cant even say So Little cause again He Was Here For An Hour And Thirty Minutes Out Of Two Hours#and lets be clear 'snap has your brain molded that much you know exactly how much screen time charles gets in the movies'#girl no not yet i only know exactly when he punches his clock cause i had to keep restarting the movie cause it kept pausing vjAELKAJE#and it just so happened to struggle literally like. ten minutes after he dies- like when logan was dealing with x24 THAT part#so rude for that.. anyway I Repeat i miss charles and laura bein cute :(#it wasnt a lot but it was just sweet.. i always like how charles always got that Professor in his soul with these movies#like in dofp when logan's losing it after. getting future ptsd jvALKVLAJ??K charles is there to ground him#despite being. Like That vjeaLKj like sir please ily. i will accept the Youre On Acid answer youre trying your best#and then with THIS movie evidently charles is having. the worst time upstairs#but he's still super sweet with laura like oh stop you grandpa im gonna throw up#and to STRESS. they were EVIL about that wholesome dinner bit like :((( oh to see the fam happy and safe again :(((#like im throwing up frankly. people were right this movie IS sad i underestimated their assessment 😭#to lighten the mood in my heart. charles really do be an old man in this movie hes such a menace to logan JELKAK#god. Most Normal X-Men Movie Watcher Focuses On Professor X During The Movie About Logan VEJLKJA#ok im done. sorry i just keep replayin that bit in my head where theyre in the car and logans just 'Did You Take Your Meds SHOW'#like pelase. jaeRLKEaj ok im gonna try drawing i looked at my wall long enough and i think i can draw something
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wyll (as a warrior cat)
#my art#bg3#baldurs gate 3#baldurs gate fanart#wyll ravengard#DO U GUYS KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKE WYLL. do u know how normal i am about him.#i wish he had as much content as the other characters in game. bc if you think about it he should have the *most* amount of content#he has direct ties to the gate so therefore hed be the most compelled to help save it#hes already a hero by the time u meet him. hes got the coolest character introduction and hes genuinely a good person#and by more content i dont want a single bit of it to be revolving around mizora. im so serious.#if that cant happen. if she HAS to be around. then let him make his own choices in act 3 and thats all ill say to avoid spoilers#what i wouldnt do for more wyll content </3#but yeah rant over i love wyll so much hes one of my most favorite characters Ever#OH YEAH REGARDING HIM AS A WARRIOR CAT LMFAO idk how his sending stone eye would work so ummmmm. pretend the cats know how to source#really smooth rocks for prosthetic eyes. i also didnt know what to do for his horns so i just. drew him Before the horns bc i genuinely don#know what to do LOL but yeah i love wyll a normal amount i think about him a normal amount#OH YEAH I FORGOT TO MENTION THIS i was so torn between having him be a burmese and a ticked tabby so i kiiiiinda went for something in the#middle but i opted more for ticked tabby
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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post ankle-twisting clarity
#i slipped in the mudddddd the other day LOL i twisted my one ankle and scraped up my other knee#so the past few days ive just been kind of needing to waddle around.....#LUCKILY its healing well and fast <3 but yknow i was like#so stressed out over shit that doesnt matter in school. and like this is an awful unintentional habit i have but i will get like#overly stressed over shit and then i'll start getting SUPER careless with everything. and then i'll injure myself foolishly and Calm Down#happened last year with my foolish midnight woodcarving incident LOL its always november....#BUT yeah luckily this years foolish injury is a quick one at least!!#but yeah like genuinely i was so stressed out about all my fine arts major shit. teachers have been really getting on my case recently#my main professor said that it was a good thing people get so riled up with my work because it means its impactful#tbh i didnt believe her at all i thought she was just trying to placate me but then i listened closely to the things faculty say when#they look at my fucking. cartoon wolf drawing or something and i think. she might be right actually. people keep getting frustrated with me#because i think they see a lot of potential in me but i basically only have to drive to draw cartoon wolves etc HFKJSDHJVKRFEds#which is great for my ego. maybe too good for my ego. that my mark making and colour use etc is so evocative to these industry and#instutition people. but on the other hand i was told like thrice now that my work has no place in a gallery. which is fine although im not#totally sure how true that is. but also afterwards one time i was suggested to go into animation instead which is. um.#so its not out of nowhere i mean i did want to be an animator when i was like 10 but if you know anything about the current state of the#animation industry its like genuinely wild to tell someone who you've only seen 2 dimensional watercolour and acrylic painted#sketchy lined drawings from and who has said they cant do digital art anymore that they should get an animation degree?#brother they would kill me. i would be killed. i had an inkling but it really made me notice so clearly how limited the experiences my#faculty kind of have with certain industries. which is fine. or maybe not. for a professor LOL but yknow. but i was like huh. i guess i can#just kind of chill lol if i just keep doing things maybe something will come of it. i may not get as much help in my artistic development#rn as i would like. but its chill i think i'll figure it out if i just keep doing stuff <3#doesnt really matter that my teachers dont know what to do with me. my kneeeee has a booboo so i am CHILLING out :)
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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#vent#tw suicide#tw sh#kinda#i hate hate hate having bad days#for no reason nothing happened nothings wrong i just suck#i just want to ruin everything with everyone i know and then kill myself#i wish i could stab myself to death#i Should be studying and i want to watch voltron but i cant stop just wasting my time on my phone#i want to rip myself open and bleed to death violently#actually remembered to cut my nails this morning so i cant even do anythign. they dont even cut into my palm at this length.#and anything else is too much effort im a low-effort self harmer💀#ugh i would actually love to die lowkey kinda idk but i live by this one thing i read#‘if my depression wants be dead its gonna have to kill me itself’#im not doing noones dirtywork#me when healing isnt linear#i should be over all of these things i have been over all of these things why am i so bothered again#chronic cant move on-er#i wish i could disappear#i think i took a hit i cant come back from#like mentally/emotionally#well several hits#i wish someone liked me#like really liked me. the way i like people. more thsn they like anyone else#im not good enough on my own i meed somelne to hang onto#human parasite#something something everything ive ever let go of has claw marks on it#ive never not ruined something
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i just have to write through my feelings about predathos rn cause WOW i was truly leaning heavily in oryms direction of we dont know what that shit do youd have to be stupid to even try. like i was feeling okay with the prospect of them releasing predathos cause it is objectivly the most interesting choice you could make, narratively, from a doylist perspective etc etc, but i wasnt feeling it yknow. and i gotta be honest a big part of that was because i do sympathise with the gods some more than others like on a fundamental level i feel theyve got just as much a right to exist as every other living being in the world, theyre people to me and i simply dont like the idea of them dying/having to flee. and yes okay melora is my blorbo out of them and i hate thinking about her being forced to leave exandria leave nature leave everything she loves and has become and is. i was way more hoping for the resolution of bh not releasing predathos and instead remembering RQs hint that they could strike a deal with the gods as a reward for saving their asses.
and then 114 happened. and i fear it changed me irrevokably. matt did something horrible. he gave me hope. like i already had a sliver of hope that if the gods left maybe vax would be free and alive but also maybe hed just be dead or just gone and anyway he wouldnt want to be saved in exchange for such a sacrifice (not that the people making the choice would be anyone he knew...) but but BUT then matt rq gave him a night. vox machina was given a night. and all of a sudden i cant imagine going back to the way things were. if the gods are saved the world may still be changed forever, but not for vax. he only has a night. then he goes back to her. but. if the gods leave, it can't stay the same, not even for him. im not even sure, despite the hope that matt/rq gave me, that he would be freed if rq left. maybe he is kept by her divine power. maybe he would die, or disappear forever (who knows what happens after death when there are no gods?). or maybe he, given a night of life, would simply feel her grip on his string loosen and fade away, leaving him as he is right now, where he is right now, as the raven queen's last parting gift. either way, death or life, it would be change. either he would get a chance to keep living, or keyleth would get a better chance to move on. and that spark of hope for change killed whatever part of me that still could tolerate him being in her service in perpetuum. i cant stand it anymore. i dont accept it.
despite my deep and complicated feelings regarding this rn i am also remembering that it is all a work of fiction and i am fascinated by the way my opinion on the predathos conundrum could be swayed so quickly and, dare i say, decidedly, by new emotions being stirred in me. and i am examining how even tho i was backing up my opinion with (what i see as) logical and objective arguments, i was still being affected by my sympathies for different fictional characters the whole time - from melora (and the pcs i associate her with) to vax and vm. going though it has taught me something about how people can be swayed on much more serious, real life matters. i truely dont know if ive ever changed my mind so dramatically (regarding both strenght and character of the opinion as well as swiftness of the change) in my life before. before i watched c3e114 i was hesitant at best to the releasing predathos idea, now im rooting for it to happen. and dont get me wrong, i still think orym's argument is the most sane and safe one and if i myself had to live in exandria i would most surely be on his side of the debate. but i dont, im the audience of a fictional story and right now i would love to know just what the fuck that shit do.
#travis's 'i love the red button even if it means delete' keeps playing in my mind#im def feeling it rn#fuuuuuuck i am LOVING the story cr has woven#i feel so much sympathy for so many different sides#except for ludinus he can die in a ditch#truly my strongest hesitation rn is based on just not wanting ludinus to get a kind of win at all lol#he could have made SO many more allies if he wasnt such a dick?????#instead he tries to convince bh in the most condesending way possible and fucking kill kiki#of course noones gonna want to be on his side after that smh#i am also trying to still my mind and prepare for them NOT releasing predathos#i dont want to build up too much hope for something i dont know will happen#at the very least i hope for some sort of change for vax/kiki cause i Simply Cant Take It anymore :')#like shit just TALK guys. set some boundaries. stop sending ravens 24/7#suffice to say i am EXCITED to see where the end of the campaign is going aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#page#do i main tag it#fuck it we ball#cr3#critical role#c3e114
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yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out
#zymart#zymtalk#rant in the tags ->#okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st#the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL#i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board#bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route#and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week#then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway'#and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened'#'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly#in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized#after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??'#but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure.#horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly#SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible.#im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it#oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]:#that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi#i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie#[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim]#but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long.#but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now#idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim#but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it#anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty.#side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶#you are not safe#edit: this is karma for saying 'thank god'. might be demiace too. this is the worst month of my life /j
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re: "good girl" i think they say it once randomly as a joke and its just one of those things that gets him wayyy more than they expected it would. so now its their secret weapon and they use it very sparingly and every single time he gets super embarrassed about it but it works ill tell you what.
#HES MY PRINCESS IDEK.#i dont think it happens naturally all that much because theyre usually in the business of calling each other names and being mean#so i think this would just be a random night where theyre on top and just think it would be really funny. to yank on his leash and call him#a good girl after bullying him into doing something. and well i just think it would get him is all i dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwww#i havr a lot of thoughts on the matter but i will stop for now#but the tldr is that with each other they tend to switch frequently and are always fighting#so i think itd take someone else being in the picture for hog to even realize how much he likes being a good boy :3#and i also dont think fish would be good at straightforward domming in the way he would want and they both know that#so its something he keeps between him and rat mostly. please dont ask me questions abt jrs sex life i have too many opinions on it#anyways. i think even tho fish knows theyd be bad at that they still feel left out so sometimes they go watch. they dont get anything out of#doing that theyre just sort of taking mental notes#all of this circles back to i think fish has always been the more sexually experienced of the two. and romantically.#i dont rlly think hog is a guy who dates i dont think hes ever been that and i dont think he made much time for hookups#(i think its cute if hes a virgin when they meet but 🤷 im not solid on it)#but i think for him hes just only ever fucked this one person and they do a LOT of stuff and it gets the job done so hes just never really#tried anything else. but. and again i have too many opinions on this but i think rat wouldnt be into their usual shteeze#i think hes a bit of a freak in his own way but the blood and weird anger issues is just not doing it for him most of the time#but i do think if given the opportunity he would LOVE to be The Boss for a little bit so i think he and hog can explore that together and it#will work out beautifully for them. this is great because i am not into strict d/s dynamics like that but i know in my heart that hoggy#would be. and i cant do that for him#again i think fish would be butthurt about this. mostly in a 'why didnt u tell me so we could try this :(' and he would go#'because you would suck at it and wouldnt like it' and they go oh. right. well im still mad#ANYWAYS. circling back. i think the good girl thing would be something fish knows that rat doesnt. and idk if theyd tell him or not#because i do think if they tell him he is using that for evil hog is going to be a good girl forever and ever. rat doesnt have the patience#to space it out the way fish does. which idk maybe thatd be good for hog he could work through some stuff...#but on the other hand i think its fun if they DONT tell him and just bust it out sometime when all 3 of them are doing the deed. or whatever#because again they mostly like how embarrassed he gets about it and i think he would be reallyyyy flustered by it#^ this is essentially part of my fantasy about spitroasting my beautiful wife until he cries just so everyone knows#idk i just think when he lets go of himself hed be a very cute and kind of needy subby bottom and i think hed be really easy to fluster#about it and i want it so bad
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#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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oihhhhh the horrorsq
#geem speaks#hi hi im venting in my tags once again lol#ive been having trouble sleeping lately :(#i actually skipped out on class today because i slept so shit. i know why im sleeping bad too and I personally think it's embarrassing#its probably cause im like totally touch starved. like my friends hug me and stuff but my brain will process that differently#than if i was being hugged by a lover. i guess the feeling is getting worse because valentines day is soon and like three years ago around#vday was like the last time i was i guess held by a romantic partner physically. the ex sucked i hate what she did to me but like. i miss#being held by someone i loved.#And another thing that bothers me thats not related to that. Im ao scared that I will be physically incapable of continuing tttoo go to my#college. if i cant keep going ill see my friends less :((. but its a private school and my family doesnt know how much longer we can pay.#also the latest like. thing. if you see the shit thats happened to loans you know. i dont know what im gonna do with my life tbh.#its so sad to me that many things i want or enjoy are just not in my reach or get taken from me. at least il always have music#i think i was meant to just listen to music and do acid or something<- has never done drugs
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