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youremyheaven · 8 months ago

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Rahu & Ketu: Abuse & Addiction

TW: drug overdose, death, suicide, abuse, childhood abuse

Nodal influence can be very destabilising and intoxicating. They're opposites but as they say the extremes of anything is a meeting point for it's opposite, so Rahu & Ketu share many similarities.

Rahu & Ketu are both shadow planets, Rahu is the head whereas Ketu is the tail. This in itself reveals much about the nature of the two. Rahu is over immersed in the world whereas Ketu is completely cut off from it.

When I say Rahu is over immersed/over stimulated, I don't mean they're profoundly connected to reality, I mean the opposite, they're deeply immersed in Maya/illusion that they often have no sense of reality. Rahu is the head, imagine if you lived in your head all the time? You'd be in your own la la land, disconnected from what is actually happening around you. This is Rahu energy. Without your body, you cannot use your senses, you cannot fully feel alive or experience reality. Rahu being the head means you're cut off from what is "real". You only live in your head and what happens in your head is very subjective and completely illusory.

They are so deeply immersed in an illusory world. This can manifest as substance addiction, video gaming, fame, material success, internet addiction, overly obsessed with "binging" content, maladaptive daydreaming etc, any experience that disconnects you from what is "real" and immerses you in something that feels very real but isn't real. Both Rahu and Ketu people suffer from addiction, Claire had mentioned that Nodal influence can make someone prone to addiction but why Rahu and Ketu are addicted tend to be very different. Rahu is overstimulated, they always need more of everything. There are people who spend 10 hours a day just watching YouTube videos or IG reels or whatever, that's because they need that much stimulation, since they live in their heads. Their minds need that kind of fodder to thrive off of. Once you start using any kind of substance, your brain builds a tolerance for it and you have to start using higher and higher doses to get the same high. When a Rahu native accumulates wealth, they start indulging in it but nothing is ever enough. They never feel "full", they don't have that fuse in their brain that flares up and says "this is enough". Basically they never know when to stop, they just keep going and going and going with anything they immerse themselves in. People play video games for 3-4 days straight without leaving their game set up. They don't ever feel satisfied. This is scary because "feeling full" is our brain's way of asking us to stop. Without that mechanism, we would overindulge and overdo everything which is what these natives do.

This is also why relationships are so tricky for Nodal people. They give too much and immerse themselves to the point where it's detrimental to the relationship. You either feel like you're losing part of yourself to it or the other person feels like you're consuming their energy too much (which makes them feel drained). Moderation does not exist for Nodal people either they're completely detached or they're completely obsessed.

Its similar to Jupiter energy in the sense that Jupiter is also very expansive and has the ability to immerse itself in everything and give so much but Jupiter has other principles that firmly ground it in reality as it is not a shadow planet like Rahu. It is not suspended in an illusion, Jupiter natives give so much or do so much because they have the internal space to do so, not out of a tendency to immerse themselves in Maya/illusion. Jupiter is the opposite, they see through Maya and find it hard to consciously part take in it.

Taylor Swift- Ardra Moon

She works harder than anybody in the biz. Her concerts are like 3 hours long and she does like 40-50 shows on average. She's ALWAYS doing THE most. She releases a new album every 2 years or so, has other projects etc this is a positive manifestation of Rahu energy because it allows you to be deeply immersed in your craft and your world but it also means you live in a bubble and you are cut off from "real life".

Ketu is the tail, it is cut off from reality and feels profoundly disconnected to reality. It is hard for these natives to feel like they relate to anything. This is why Ketuvians struggle with addiction. They use substances because they want to feel something, want to feel tethered, want to feel connected. They have to use higher doses because it helps them feel heightened emotions when they usually don't feel anything at all.

Ketu is connected to spirituality because natives who feel disconnected from the real world to this extent find it easier to immerse themselves in the occult and in esoterica. It is more abstract and requires you to think non-logically, i.e, experientially, but this is something Ketuvians have a hard time with, they themselves feel very "abstract" or like they aren't real or don't exist, so while they're intrinsically drawn to the esoteric, they feel untethered/ungrounded by immersing themselves in it too much. They need something they can cling to, they need something solid that they can attach themselves to.

All Rahuvian nakshatras belong to the Shudra caste, specifically the Butcher caste, this is very interesting because Shudra is the lowest caste (Mleccha is "outcaste" which means it exists outside the system entirely), to be Rahuvian means to operate on the lowest level. Butchers have to slaughter meat to make a living, that is unpleasant and brutal work, and only if they are disconnected from it can they keep doing it. They cannot be too focused on what they actually do because then it will be hard for them to do their tasks. They're not repulsed by it because they're disconnected from it.

2/3 Ketuvian naks are also Shudra caste whereas Ashwini is the only Ketu nak that is upper caste as it is a Vaishya nak.

(table by me hehe)

Rahuvian naks are found in all 3 ganas (Swati is deva gana, Ardra is manushya gana, Shatabhisha is rakshasa gana)

2/3 Ketuvian naks are Rakshasa gana (Mula, Magha) with only Ashwini being a Deva gana nak

I feel like Ketuvians are always made to feel like the bad guy / people villainize them a lot. They're the "ugly ducklings" who have to "win" approval as they're never accepted for who they are.

Rahu needs to immerse itself in something because its sensory perception is limited and they need to really indulge to grasp what is "real". Its very common for people with heavy Rahuvian or Rahu in a malefic placement to experience hallucinations or feel like their grip on reality is very thin.

Ketu has nothing perceive with at all. Its like being completely lost in the shadows or the dark. There's no perception taking place at all, it makes the natives inwardly drawn because its truly hard for them to absorb from their surroundings unlike Rahu which absorbs easily and fully. Rahu is over immersed whereas Ketu lacks immersion at all.

Lets look at the yoni animals of Rahu & Ketu naks respectively

Rahu: Ardra -dog yoni, Shatabhisha- horse yoni, Swati-buffalo yoni

Ketu: Magha-rat yoni, Mula- dog yoni, Ashwini-horse yoni

one common theme is that all these animals are abused, mistreated and exploited

(rats are the go to animal for lab testing, dogs are valued for their loyalty and are at the mercy of their owners, horses are made to endure so much labour, buffalos are farm animals)

all of these animals are also associated with dirt/filth in some way or another which is perhaps why people with Nodal influence often have a dishevelled appearance. They're bad at taking care of themselves.

Both horse yoni & dog yoni are divided among Rahu & Ketu naks whereas the yoni consort for Swati is Hasta (Moon ruled) and Magha is Purvaphalguni (Venus ruled).

Horses are very strong but very fragile animals. They start walking almost immediately after birth, they sleep standing up but they require a lot of attention and care as their health tends to be very fragile. Even though horses are associated with working hard, its not exactly innately part of their nature, it's just that they've been domesticated into being that way. It represents a very powerful active energy, as horses can be highly temperamental and unpredictable.

Dog yoni on the other hand, makes a person very needy and eager to please others. Dogs depend on the affection of their owners and without it they feel unhappy. Both these nakshatras have obsessive tendencies and a people pleasing nature. They're also two nakshatras who endure abuse the most.

I've noticed that a lot of people tend to have both nodes in their chart and I wonder what its like to house such contradictions. On one hand you're extremely involved, on the other, you're supremely detached.

The entertainment industry is one where people with Nodal influence really thrive but also often, self-destruct themselves. Its immensely hard to balance these energies since Rahu heightens whatever is in it, the way Jupiter expands whatever it touches. Both planets make you feel manic but in different ways.

Addiction is the result of an overactive nervous system and a coping mechanism. Ketu feels cut off from society/life/the world so in order to feel connected, it over indulges. Rahu needs something that will help them fully lose themselves, idk if I'm explaining it properly but you know how the best movies you've watched are the ones where you feel like you were in them experiencing those things with the characters? Its like that

There is an unhappy pattern of Rahu & Ketu influenced people being abused, I have especially noted this among child actors but also others.

Taylor Momsen- Swati Moon

Her parents signed her up with Ford Modeling when she was just 2 years old. "No 2-year-old wants to be working, but I had no choice. My whole life, I was in and out of school. I didn't have friends. I was working constantly and I didn't have a real life."

This theme of not experiencing "real life" or reality is very prominent in the lives of Rahuvian and Ketuvian people. It can be interpreted in many ways according to the context but there is always a sense of being deprived of what was "normal" or "real" as a result of which these natives had to live in their imagination or indulge in other things.

Like the child star who worked their whole life playing other people (acting is very Rahuvian) or the loner kid who spends all their time immersed in movies or video games because that feels more "real" to them.

Fame is also an inherently Rahuvian experience bc it's an illusion & a prison.

Judy Garland- Ardra Rising, Mula Moon

She was emotionally abused and controlled by her mother who got her addicted to drugs by the time she was a teenager. She was also sexually abused by the studio executives she worked with. Judy had a very tough life.

Aaron Carter, Ardra Moon, Mula Rising

Aaron Carter claimed that as a teen musician, his family spent $500 million of his money on 15 houses and 30 cars. He claimed that when his parents sold the houses, he didn't get a cut of the profits. He also alleged that his dad shot a .44 magnum near his ear — which resulted in him going 70% deaf in one ear — to force him into signing a $256,000 check.

Being heavily tattooed (more examples at the end of this post) is also a very Nodal thing to do.

He unfortunately passed away in 2022 from an accidental drug overdose. This is also a very unfortunate pattern among Nodal celebrities.

Macaulay Culkin- Shatabhisha Moon, Magha Sun & Mercury

Macaulay Culkin's father Kit managed him during his childhood career. Macaulay has shared that his father was controlling and had him on a very busy filming schedule in the early '90s. He added his father made him stay up every night to study the lines he would have to say the next day. Macaulay asserted that his father was "such a crazy person" that he forced him to do SNL without cue cards when he hosted the show at 11 years old. Macaulay has explained that he felt his father was jealous of him because “everything he tried to do in his life I excelled at before I was 10 years old.”When Macaulay stopped acting after his 1994 movie Richie Rich, he told his parents, “I’m done, guys — hope you all made your money because there is no more coming from me.”His parents were never married and after he stopped acting, his mother filed for custody. Macaulay ended up taking his parents to court to stop them from controlling his $17 million in earnings. Since then, he and his father have been estranged.

I feel like the "child star gone wild" is a trope meant specifically for Nodal people

Keke Palmer, Magha Sun & Mercury, Mula Moon

Palmer shared on IG:

"Due to traveling and scheduling both of my parents had to stop working to support my career and be present for my three siblings, leaving me with the financial responsibility around age 12. Which I took great pride in because I knew what it would do for generations to come and a huge blessing that I could even help out. However it caused me a lot of pain because I essentially had to abandon my childhood feelings and desires, becoming like a parentalized child, which is something some of you can probably relate to in your own way. This was something that I have had to continuously work through because I am grateful but often feel like.. I missed “IT”. Life can be such a tragic comedy because how funny is it.. that now becoming an actual parent, and the responsibility I’ve always carried being more valid now than ever, has in fact given me the chance to feel what it’s like to be a kid again, I get a chance to explore a lot of the things I missed out on with my son, His freedom is like, the most priceless gift to me. He is already teaching me so much, it’s like he awakened the little me inside that I thought was long gone."

Ketu dominance = being your own parent, being neglected by your family or having to be your parent's parent.

Michael Jackson, Magha Sun & Mercury, Shatabhisha Rising

From a young age Jackson was physically and mentally abused by his father, enduring incessant rehearsals, whippings and name-calling. Jackson's abuse as a child affected him throughout his grown life. reading about the lives of the Jackson siblings and how severely they were all abused is very perspective altering and sad

Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen, Magha Moon, Ashlesha Rising (inc the ashlesha placement bc its another nak often subject to control and abuse)

“With what we were doing in business when we were younger, I don’t think it ever felt like we were actresses,” Mary-Kate “Because we spend so much more of our time not in front of the cameras, building a brand. Ashley agreed, saying: “I always looked at myself, even as a kid, as a business woman.” Mary-Kate said she wouldn't wish her childhood on anyone, and said she felt like a "monkey performer."

they quit acting in the mid 2000s and rarely make public appearances and god only knows what they endured in the business bc neither of them will talk about it.

Sarah Michelle Geller, Ashwini Sun conjunct Ketu, Shatabhisha Moon

Sarah herself enjoyed the path she'd ended up on, she has rules in place for her own daughter. Recalling the "industry abuses" she experienced as a teenager in Hollywood, she said she hoped she'd "set up a safety net for these actors that I didn't have," but that she and husband Freddie Prinze Jr. have "rules in place" that mean daughter Charlotte "can't be in front of a camera until she graduates high school."

Kylie Jenner, Swati Moon

Kylie started appearing on her family's reality show when she was 10

In 2016, she told her sister Kim in an episode of the show: "I feel like I've had anxiety for too long. I feel too much, I care too much, I read too much. Some people are born for this life and some people aren’t. I just know I’m not supposed to be famous.” in an old IG post she said: "I’m proud of myself, my heart, and my strength. Growing up in the light with a million eyes on you just isn’t normal. I’ve lost friends along the way and I’ve lost myself too sometimes. My first tattoo was 'sanity' to remind myself everyday to keep it. I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole young adult life." "I know I don't want to be famous forever. There's gonna be a time where I feel comfortable, I'm at a good place in my life, and I just stop."

Natalie Wood, Ashwini Moon

The late Natalie Wood was forced into acting by her mother, Maria, who missed her chance to become a performer and instead focussed her efforts on pushing her daughters to stardom.

While young Natalie had a natural talent for performing, it seemed that her reason for going to movie sets was more to please her mother than to quench any desire of her own.

Bella Thorne, Mula Moon

"I was sexually abused and physically growing up from the day I can remember till I was 14. When I finally had the courage to lock my door at night and sit by it. All damn night." She has also stated that she only started acting as a child to support her family.

Drew Barrymore, Shatabhisha Sun

Drew's mother took her to clubs and allowed her access to drugs and alcohol, ultimately leading to her institutionalization at the age of 13, and emancipating herself at 14. Drew described fame at such a young age as "a recipe for disaster."

Edith Piaf, Mula Sun & Mercury, Magha Mars

Born in Paris practically on the streets, she struggled from day one, the daughter of street performers. The mother, a singer, eventually abandoned both Edith and her father for a solo career. Piaf spent her youth entertaining passers-by, receiving little formal education in the process. She often accompanied her father's acrobat street act with her singing and at various times was forced to live with various relatives, in alleys or in cheap hotels. An aborted love affair left her with a baby girl at age 17, but little Marcelle died of meningitis at 2 years old. Devastated, Piaf returned to the streets she knew, now performing solo. Her fortunes finally changed when an impresario, Louis Leplee, mesmerized by what he heard, offered the starving but talented urchin a contract. He alone was responsible for taking her off the streets at age 20 and changing her name from Edith Gassion to "La Mome Piaf" (or "Kid Sparrow"). Piaf grew in status entertaining in elegant cafés and cabarets and became a singing sensation amid the chic French society with her throbbing vocals and raw, emotional power. From 1936, Piaf recorded many albums and eventually became one of the highest paid stars in the world.

Later in life she became an addict and died in poverty at the age of 47.

Brittany Murphy, Swati Moon & Venus

she was a child star who was managed by her controlling mom. she battled with eating disorders and drug addiction. rip britt.

Justin Bieber, Shatabhisha Sun conjunct Saturn

Justin shot to fame at a very young age and was severely exploited by his management/everybody around him

Now here are some heavily tatted celebs and their placements

L to R

Rihanna- Shatabhisha Sun

Paris Jackson- Ardra Moon

Cheryl Cole- Ardra Sun & Mars, Shatabhisha Moon

Demi Lovato- Magha Sun

Jungkook- Magha Moon, Mula Rising

Ruby Rose- Swati Rising

Machine Gun Kelly- Ashwini Sun

The 27 club refers to a phenomenon where several musicians have died by age 27, many from an overdose. Unfortunately many of them have Nodal influence.

Brian Jones- Shatabhisha Sun

Jimi Hendrix- Mula Rising

Amy Winehouse- Mula Moon

Kurt Cobain- Shatabhisha Sun, Ardra Moon,

Janis Joplin- Ardra Moon, Mula Mars, Asc conjunct Ketu (in Dhanishta)

Jim Morrison- Ketu conjunct Rising (in Shravana)

several other celebrities who have died from overdoses also tend to have prominent Nodal influence

John Belushi- Mula Rising

Phillip Seymour Hoffman- Mercury in Ardra 2h, Mars conjunct Ketu in Swati

Prince- Shatabhisha Moon, Ketu in Ashwini

Whitney Houston- Shatabhisha Rising

River Phoenix- Magha Sun conjunct Ketu, Swati Ascendant conjunct Jupiter

Elvis Presley- Shatabhisha Moon

Margaux Hemingway- Ashwini Rising

Nodal planets are shadow planets and it can be very difficult for these natives to manage this energy as it is energy without a source, Rahu & Ketu don't have physical form or existence, that is a lot of uncontrolled energy to possess within yourself. Many people turn to spirituality and other esoteric sources and good Rahu & Ketu influence is vital and necessary to study or gain access to gnosis, study astrology or other occult matters but when this energy is imbalanced in their chart, these natives are more prone to self-destruction than any other planetary dominance simply because the unbridled energy is impossible to contain and requires some kind of coping mechanism. I have dated several Nodal men and they all dealt with varying degrees of addiction to varying substances and they all spoke about "wanting to feel more real" or how "nothing feels solid". I will try to focus on the positive manifestations of the Nodes on a future post.

thanks for reading<333

#astrology notes #astrology observations #vedic astro notes #nakshatras #astrology #astroblr #astro notes #astro observations #vedic astrology #sidereal astrology #jyotish #rahu #ketu #ashwini #shatabhisha #mula #magha #swati #ardra

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faerygrant · 8 months ago

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Ultraviolence - Carmy x Reader

Summary : An interaction between Claire and Carmen leaves you questioning his loyalty to your relationship.

Carmy was a complicated man, that went without saying. He was a man riddled with untreated trauma that stemmed from an absent father and an alcoholic and unstable mother. Not to mention the complicated and for a very long time, codependent relationship between he and his brother. The only constant and non-toxic person Carmen Berzatto had in his life was his sister Natalie, well that was before he met you at-least.

While he had become a changed man and confronted his demons from the past, there was no denying that Carmen still had lots of issues he still hadn’t addressed in therapy. The sleep walking had stopped almost a year ago, which you were thankful for, especially after a night in which he accidentally woke up and nearly lit the house aflame. The anger issues however still persisted, as well as the avoidant personality and constant feelings of angst.

You could tell Carmen was happier, he now kissed you goodbye in the mornings and goodnight before bed, he smiled more, he cooled off on the self deprecating remarks and most of all, he let you in. The old Carmen was hard as rock, made of brick wall, refusing to allowing anyone into those walls he’d spent all those years building up in self defence. Yet now he was willing to talk things through, slowly but surely.

Like most winter nights when the city got dark by 5, you’d walk over to the bear from work so Carmy could drive the two of you back to your place. It made the both of you feel safer and you weren’t opposed to any extra time you could spend with you partner. It also didn’t hurt to see his coworkers, who you’d come to see as friends of your own.

Tonight however when you’d come into the restaurant it seemed the only people here were Natalie and Sydney who were out back doing stock count. They both greeted you, however their odd attitudes weren’t lost on you. The two of them were usually so happy to see you, friendly. Yet upon your entry into the restaurant they had both gone frigid.

“Where’s Carm?” You’d asked, pulling the slipping straps of your tote back onto your shoulder.

“T-the office.” Sydney motions awkwardly to the office and your brows furrow. Why were they both acting so off?

“You probably should wait-“ Natalie tries to say but you’re already bursting into the office, curious as to why they were being strange.

“You know I just missed you Bear.”

You’re not prepared for the site of what you walk into, Carmy’s “ex” who’s not his “ex” but is his “ex” stood with her arms wrapped around his neck trying to kiss him. Your heart all but sinks into your ass as you watch her lips meet his.

“What the fuck” you scream, and immediately the brunette is clambering away from your man. She innocently tucks a piece of hair behind her ears and then looks at Carmen before she pushed past you. Not even an ounce of guilt on her face.

“It’s not what it looked like, I promise.” Carmen says walking over to you, trying to grab hold of your hand.

“Then what the fuck was that, she kissed you Carmen!” You yell at him and both Sydney and Natalie are now stood in the doorway watching everything go down.

“It was nothing, she just…” He holds his hands in his hair as he paces back and forth between the office. Refusing to complete his sentence.

“Are you going to finish the sentence Carmen, man up and tell me why the fuck your ex girlfriend was in here just now, kissing you” Your shouting has Carmen exasperated, he wants to tell you but can’t even figure out how to start the conversation.

“Carmy just talk to her.” Natalie tries intervening but is met with Carmen throwing a staple gun against the wall.

“Sugar get the fuck out of here and give us some privacy”

“Carm!” You yell at him all at once Sydney screams “Carmy what the fuck” Both of you appalled at his childish display of violence.

“Can I have five fuckin minutes alone with my girl now?” They both roll their eyes and walk out of the office. “Asshole” Natalie mumbles before slamming the office door shut.

“So she calls you Bear, is there something you’re hiding?” You question as you walk closer to him, tears falling from your eyes.

“No baby, she just came here trynna sweet talk me about all this fuckin shut but I didn’t wanna hear it.” He tries taking you into his arms but you push him away, not fully ready to give into him.

“Don’t fuckin pull away from me baby, you know it drives me insane” he sighs defeatedly, pressing his forehead against yours.

“Carmen just tell me why that girl was here, why she was kissing you.” The head from his head against yours somewhat calms you down, so does his smell and gentle touch.

“I told you, she wanted to talk and because of all that shit Dr. Murphy said in therapy about confronting your past not running from it, I thought I’d give her a chance to say her piece but she just took it as a chance to make a move.” He looks into your eyes, searching, no- hoping you’d believe him, he hated the feeling of losing your trust especially when he’d never lie to you.

“I just hated seeing that, her hands all over you and her mouth on yours, it hurt me Carm.” You finally allow yourself to fully give into his touch and he pressed a kiss to your lips, your manicured hand cupping his face, relishing in it.

“I know and I’m sorry, I only want you okay, you’re the only girl for me.” He whispers, causing you to whimper.

“Promise?”

“Hand on the fucking bible, I promise”

#carmen berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto x you #carmy x reader #the bear fic #reader x carmen berzatto #carmen berzatto fic

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oizysian · 3 months ago

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XII. THEN WE’LL TALK

Word count: 1.3k

All Eyes on Me masterlist

•

Y/N, Lizzie called me crying. You need to talk to her.

It's been two weeks. You haven't streamed, you haven't gone out. What have you been doing?

I let out a deep sigh, rolling the blunt between my fingers, Brie's voice echoing in my head. Lizzie missed me. She needed me, but I was a coward and only knew how to run from people when things got complicated.

I sniffled, swallowing roughly as I thought about the woman I had walked away from completely for her own good. Without me in her life she could be happy with her husband without the fear and doubt of an affair hanging over their heads. Maybe she hadn't done anything wrong, but she could've. I definitely would've given the chance, but I would have regretted it. Just like I regretted everything I did.

I slammed my hand down on the cold tile in frustration and leaned my head against the sink, my mind racing as it had been for two whole weeks. The weed helped silence it for a while, but the more I replayed Brie's messages in my head, the louder my thoughts got about Lizzie.

Had I been wrong to walk away? We didn't do anything wrong. Not really.

I picked my phone up off the floor and unlocked it, browsing Twitter to get my mind off of literally everything.

CELEBRITY SIGHTING:

Elizabeth Olsen and Robbie Arnett were seen out and about in LA this week.

She looked good in the picture; happy, healthy, but then again, she was a good actress. They probably went out together on purpose considering it had been a while since they had been out in public with each other. Her last two sets of paparazzi photos were with me.

I licked my dry lips, quickly tweeting out that I was sorry for disappearing, but I was fine and streams would start up again soon. Almost instantly, comments flooded in wishing me well and hoping that everything was okay. I couldn't reply to everyone, so I just liked the kind comments and ignored the ones that were rude or mentioned Lizzie. Nobody needed to know my fucking business. I was still a person, I deserved my privacy despite what the world thought. And so did she.

The last two weeks had been hell between ignoring Lizzie's calls and texts and dealing with Brie and Claire trying to talk some sense into me. I knew they were right, that it was just gossip and Robbie would get over it, but the risk of her marriage ending because I had feelings for her was too much for me to ignore. Maybe she liked me too, or maybe she was just a flirty person - who knew, but what I did know was that I wasn't going to be the reason her marriage ended.

But, their marriage hadn't ended. According to Twitter, they were a happy couple and nothing was wrong between them. Which was good! So, why wasn't I happy about it?

At the moment, I wasn't happy about fucking anything. The only thing that could make me happy was Lizzie, and I let her go.

I brought the blunt up to my lips and inhaled deeply, wanting nothing more than to just forget for a little while. I kept the smoke in my mouth for a moment before exhaling.

Why was I making such a big deal about this? She barely knew me. I barely knew her. It was for the best that I ended our friendship before it became something more.

My phone rang, nearly making me jump out of my skin, and I peeked to check who it was. Brie. I took another toke and answered.

"Hello?" I said, my voice straining from holding in the smoke.

"Y/N? What the hell are you doing?"

"Smoking. Why?"

"Why aren't you speaking to Lizzie? Ignoring her like this isn't going to help the situation any."

"I'm making it go away."

"No, you're making yourself look like a child."

"Whatever, Brie." I released the smoke from my mouth. "What do you care anyway?"

"Oh, so on top of being a child, you're also gonna act like a bitch?"

"Oh, fuck you, man."

"Fuck me? After everything I've gone through trying to help you get the girl, you're gonna say 'fuck me'?"

"I didn't ask for any of this!"

"No, you didn't, but it all happened and you're in it now, so put on your big girl panties and deal with it."

"I don't want to. I don't want Elizabeth."

I lied.

"Then what do you want Y/N?" She asked with frustration in her voice.

"You."

She was quiet on the line and I knew I fucked up. I grimaced, leaning my face against my propped up knees. Why did I have to open my mouth and say stupid shit?

"You don't mean that." She sounded sad. "You're just hurting."

"I can be friends with Lizzie again if I'm with you." Why was I still speaking? "If Robbie sees I'm with someone, he'll leave her alone about her having an affair."

"Are you trying to use me to get back in Lizzie's good graces?"

"No! I-I'm just trying to fix this and make everyone happy."

"You being with me out of pity or ... whatever this is, will not make anyone happy."

"It's not pity, Brie. I like you."

"You like me. You love her."

"I love the idea of her! I don't know her and she doesn't know me! I know you. I know we can make each other happy. Please, Brie."

"We'll talk about this when you're sober."

"No, I want to talk about it now."

"Talk to Lizzie. Make up with her."

"If I do that, then will you be my girlfriend?"

"No."

"No?" Tears welled up in my eyes. First Lizzie, now Brie.

"You don't mean it. Prove that you mean it and I might change my mind. Until then, no."

It was wrong for me to use Brie to get over Lizzie, but it was true, I did like her ... just not the same way I liked Lizzie. I knew this was the only way I would be able to get close to Lizzie again. I had to be with someone, prove that I'm not a threat, stop acting the way I've been acting towards her. I needed someone.

"Go on a date with me. Let me give you a kiss goodnight. Let's watch the stars and pick one as ours. Let me treat you the way you deserve to be treated."

She didn't speak for a while and I thought for a moment that she had hung up on me.

"I'm not her."

I sighed.

"I know. I know who you are."

"I'll let you kiss me, but forget all that romantic shit."

"Okay, fine, no romance. Just us."

"So, you want to be friends with benefits?"

"No! No. I just ..." I rubbed my hand over my face. "I don't know what I want."

"That's the problem, Y/N. Make up with Lizzie. Then we'll talk."

"Brie -"

She hung up on me. I kicked the hamper in next to me in pure rage, knowing that I just fucked up another friendship. Either that, or Brie and I would be a different type of friend after this.

I put the joint out on my floor, smashing it into the tile and leaning my head into my hands, frustration seeping from every inch of my body.

Hot tears spilled from my eyes as I thought about Lizzie, as I thought about Brie, as I thought about the hole I kept digging for myself. Did I like Brie enough to be with her despite possibly having a connection with Lizzie?

The answer was ... yeah. I could be with Brie. Would I do it, though? Could I do it for Lizzie?

Was it fair to Brie? No, but we'd both get what we wanted. Wasn't that all that mattered?

•

@oh-thats-cute @marvelwomen-simp @dorabledewdroop @scarlie-johalsen-blog @annie-ahmelia

#oizysian writes #elizabeth olsen x yn #elizabeth olsen story #elizabeth olsen x you #elizabeth olsen x fem!reader #elizabeth olsen x reader #elizabeth olsen x female reader #elizabeth olsen fanfic #brie larson x y/n #brie larson x female reader #brie larson x you #brie larson x reader

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undead-moth · 4 months ago

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I do think it's funny seeing Carmy /x reader prompts and fics with like, a very dominant sexually-competent Carmy lololol because to me Carmy is nothing if not someone who has visibly had very little sex in his life, with very few people, and has no idea why it's been so unfulfilling every time or why it makes him so uncomfortable -

Like, Something about the worst of his trauma being because one person hovered over his shoulder giving orders expecting an impossible standard, and insulting him incessantly for not being able to do the impossible and not being able to be perfect...Him saying in AI anon that he didn't have any girlfriends in high school which was then followed by years of extensive life-consuming culinary training...His awkwardness and uncertainty with Claire, and whether or not she was his girlfriend....Him having his panic attack as flashes of his intimate scene with Claire go through his head - and then it's thoughts of Sydney praising him that calms him down...not being able to handle the pressure of running the whole restaurant and giving everyone orders...him taking complete control of everything, even the menu this season, and him trying to control everything being a symptom of his trauma, and it being the most unhealthy coping mechanism for him...and even seeing him almost have another panic attack again until Sydney looks at him and says very firmly, "I need you to calm down. I'm not your fucking babysitter," and immediately, he's fine, lmao.

He is submissive and he has no idea because he's had so few opportunities to explore his sexuality or even find someone he's comfortable being vulnerable like that with.

Sydney could fix him with easy, immediately achievable directions, punishments of his choosing, and praise, is all I'm saying, lmao.

#the bear fx #carmy berzatto #sydcarmy #I'm not hating on x reader fans btw people can headcanon whatever they like

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scoobydoodean · 2 months ago

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i gotta wonder why castiel, in claire's body, seemed to be hesitating to heal jimmy in "the rapture" episode. like he was saying "time to go to your real home in heaven" when jimmy was bleeding to death from a bullet wound. at this point castiel was like. freshly lobotomized so he might've just been being more ruthless in an attempt to manipulate jimmy into allowing castiel back in. but i always am a bit confused and was wondering if you had any thoughts

I think this very much has to do with "heaven's persuasion" as Cas calls it at the time. 4.20 "The Rapture" starts with Cas having learned that heaven will intentionally start the apocalypse and kill millions of humans in the process. He is so horrified by this that he decides to rebel. He enters Dean's dreams, but says even Dean's dreams aren't a safe enough place for him to reveal the secrets he's harboring, so he sends Dean to meet him at another location, and when Sam and Dean arrive there, the whole place is torn to bits. Cas fought multiple angels tooth and nail to avoid capture so he could tell Dean the truth—that the angels were going to start the apocalypse and let them all die. However, he was captured before he could pass on his knowledge and then he was brainwashed back into compliance with heaven's orders.

One of the things I think it's clear the higher ups told Castiel as part of the brainwashing process is that humans dying just means they go to heaven and live forever in peace where they are better off than on earth, so why even fight the apocalypse? Silly Castiel! There's no reason to fret! Humans dying is a good thing! It's a mercy killing! So when Cas returns at the end of 4.20, he is operating under this new worldview and the results are chilling.

CASTIEL Of course we keep our promises. Of course you have our gratitude. You served us well. Your work is done. It's time to go home now. Your real home. You'll rest forever in the fields of the Lord. Rest now, Jimmy. JIMMY No. Claire? CASTIEL She's with me now. She's chosen. It's in her blood, as it was in yours. JIMMY Please, Castiel. Me, just take me. Take me, please. CASTIEL I wanna make sure you understand. You won't die or age. If this last year was painful for you, picture a hundred, a thousand more like it. JIMMY It doesn't matter. You take me. Just take me. CASTIEL As you wish.

Cas acknowledges the suffering he's put Jimmy through and in his own way, is trying to show compassion in this moment, but his thought process is absolutely alien. He sees the compassionate choice toward his vessel as 1) letting him die instead of healing him (drink the Kool-Aid type shit) 2) possessing his little girl to "spare" him the suffering of possession. He doesn't really seem to understand why Jimmy would beg to be possessed again instead Claire. He's completely lost perspective on human connection to the point he can't grasp a parent putting their own child's well-being above their own no matter the personal cost. This is another function of heavenly brainwashing/the cult mentality. The angels have a hierarchy in which everything is (allegedly) for their father and they sacrifice for him, not the other way around. They, in turn, intend to slaughter humans in droves for their own peace because they see humans as beneath them in the hierarchy. Cas has been re-programmed to believe this is how things should be, so he absolutely cannot understand in that moment why possessing Claire instead of Jimmy is an absolutely horrifying proposition to her father and not a form of mercy in Jimmy's eyes at all. It doesn't compute with brainwashed!Cas's understanding of hierarchy.

We see Cas's brainwashing in regards to death and ascension into heaven as the ultimate mercy again—two episodes later in 4.22:

DEAN You know what's real? People, families -- that's real. And you're gonna watch them all burn? CASTIEL What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam.

Note that Cas clearly didn't feel this way before he got "sent back to Bible camp". He fought violently to reach Dean and tell him the truth before he was captured.

#mail #castiels motivations #heaven as a cult #jimmy #claire #castiels moral compass #4.20 #4.22

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marianasue · 3 months ago

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for sydcarmy truthers , a similar situation I shared with carmy .

Before , I discover this beautiful fandom , I watched the bear as someone who knows nothing about its plot , and I had no idea about what´s going on in the show , but when I finished watching it , first thing I said at that time : ´´something too deep is going on between syd and carm ´´

and carmen story with claire , reminds me of myself and a boy who is a friend to me , and maybe if you know my story , you can have a real exemple about how carmy is feeling . I hope you all understand it :

I´m the yougest girl in my family , and all the focus was on me , so my parents protectiviness and awarness grew more complicated trough time , and it becomes a real probleme and because of it , I was a shy kid , and I was bullied in school , I didn´´t have any interest in the education , I was and I still fond of art and I spent my time is school , just drawing .I really wanted to have friends , many friends , but I pretended to be someone else , just to attract people and I never liked it . so during high school , everybody loved a boy , he was handsome , nice , intelligent , he was really every girl´s dream and of course he was our neighbour and my family know him . he was alway there for me , he was very nice to me , he was always sitting behind me , his over protectiviness and social personnality always reminded me of my dad and mom , I felt like he was controlling me , even everybody was trying to convince me that he was more than a friend

and this is really annoying because he was the opposite of me and he was good to everyone .

so time passed , and everybody are still believing that he is my boyfriend , he is now a doctor , and I´m still studying art because I stopped my education after high school and I have returned just last year .

we still seeing each other , he was the same person I knew but this is what happened : he confessed , that he loved since we were at high school and he wants to be with me , so I just said to myself : it´s ok mary , just try , he is your first crush , ´´ and oneday we went to a dinner with his friends , and I had a panic attack , they were asking me how we met , and how he is popular and loved in the hospital , and they were saying that I´m lucky and he didn´t say anything about me to them , he was just watching me panicking and he knew that I have problemes in communication and social events and I find myself pretending to be out of my personnality again . after that , the feelings that I had were very bad , you feel like you´re just stupid person , and you don´t deserve a good thing . He is and was a pressure to me , I didn´t feel peace with him , we didn´t have the same dreams , he was always seeing me as the little shy mary , he still has that picture of me .

so , I decided to end everything and confortting him about how I feel and I discovered that he is not the right person because during the argument , he wanted to convince me that I´m the wrong person , like nobody made me feel shitty , it was all myself , and we just end up like we are just friends .

I moved on from my family house , and I´m studying the thing I love , I´m working in a coffe shop and I have good friends toward me , and I´m acceptting a new love now , someone I´m really greatful to have him , someone understands me .

that´s why I was really attached to the bear and carmy , I know what does it mean to live in a complicated family and have someone like claire in your life .

carmy just need to move on and forgive his past and all the people around him and of course accepts a new love to his life , like I did and many people must do .

I just wanted to share my story and say : not every perfect person is perfect to you . he may be loved by everybody but not by you .

@thoughtfulchaos773 @gingergofastboatsmojito @bootlegramdomneess

#sydcarmy #the bear #sydxcarm

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etherealising · 8 months ago

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idk how request, I hope you understand ^^

could you do one about michael and baby having their cute moments but carmy misunderstanding everything?

english is not my first language, sorry 😭😭

in the arms of another

a/n: bestie i promise your english is just fine please don’t apologize. also i’m sending you all the internet kisses for this request because i’ve missed writing baby x mikey content so much!!! maybe not as cute as you may have wanted but i still hope you enjoy! 🫶🏽

wc: 4.3k (what can i say, i missed them)

You lost Carmy in the crowd mere moments after collecting your diploma, part of you couldn’t seem to care considering how rocky things became between the two of you but you were also a bit overwhelmed with the amount of your classmates who kept stopping to share in the success that was graduating high school.

Most of the people you stopped to take pictures with had rarely ever spoken to you during the 4 years you shared, considering the occasion you hadn’t minded the first couple of pictures you stopped for, but now you were ready to find your mom and the Berzattos and leave.

It was a few moments more before you heard the familiar drawl of Richie’s voice, he was always loud and you never appreciated that more than in this moment. You spun around a few times to try and spot him, finding the whole group of people standing a few ways off, Carmy had better luck than you did seeing as he was already standing there getting congratulations from every which way.

Smiling you began making your way through the other families apologizing along the way as accidentally bumped into people. Mikey was the first person to spot your approach, his eyes finding yours over Carmy’s head as he spoke to him. The wide smile took over your face instantaneously his own seeming to match yours, you picked up the pace trying to reach him as soon as possible.

Your hand raised in an excited wave, Mikey’s returning wave caused Carmy to turn as well a small smile growing on his face the closer you got to them, his hand raising in a shy wave as you approached. You hadn’t given Carmy a second glance as you brushed past him to leap into Mikey’s awaiting arms.

Carmy tried not to let the hurt show on his face as you ignored his presence, Mikey spun you around in his arms the sounds of your melodic laugh mixed with Mikey’s rough one felt like the only thing he could hear. He did his best to keep the smile on his face, ignoring the apologetic look Nat sent his way by bending down to pick up your cap that fell to the ground from all the excitement.

He hated to admit it but he understood the cold shoulder you were adamant on giving him. After that day at The Beef things were never the same, upon returning to Claire he’d tried his best to shut down whatever was transpiring between them but couldn’t allow himself to break two hearts in one day. And while he was doing his best to spare Claire’s feelings all it did was push you into the arms of his brother.

The more you distanced yourself from Carmy, the more time you spent with Mikey. Carmy tried to convince himself there was nothing untoward going on between the two of you but between the quiet laughter and the shared jokes he was beginning to feel paranoid. And now he stood there like a loser watching his best friend, the only person he ever wanted to share his joy with again, cling to his older brother like a lifeline.

You squealed as Mikey roughly set you back on the ground, hands falling to his biceps as you smiled at him. “Don’t tell me you shaved for a little graduation ceremony.” One of your hands settling against the slight stubble on his cheek.

Mikey’s response was mute to your ears as rough hands gripped your head, the smell of Richie’s cologne invaded your senses as he began plastering chaste kisses all over your face, one hand removing its grip as he raised a disposable camera to snap a picture of the two of you,

The sound of Nat’s annoyed sigh reached your ears as she shoved her way between you and Richie a look of disgust on her face at Richie’s overdramatic display of affection. “You grew up so fast Baby,” Her arms pulled you into a gentle hug against her chest the two of you rocking back and forth in each other’s arms before she pulled back the proud smile on her face telling you all you needed to know. “We need pictures though.” She gave a soft pat to your backside as you walked away to find your mom and aunt.

You gathered with your small family for pictures, wiping your mom's tears of joy as the three of you posed together. You did your best to hold your tears at bay, thankful your mom was still around to enjoy this moment with you. You felt a bit resigned as your aunt stepped out of frame after a few shots, watching silently as she motioned good-naturedly for Carmen to take her place.

Things between the two of you were the weirdest they’d ever been, with the whole prom debacle a few weeks ago you made it your mission to be alone with him as little as possible. He stepped towards you eyes everywhere but your face, the tension between the two of you was obvious but thankfully everyone ignored it in the same way you did.

It was hard to feel any resentment towards him as he tentatively reached up, his hands delicately fixing your dropped cap atop your head. You sent him a small smile before turning to face the camera, a genuine smile coming to your face.

Rounds of photos later, each with a different participant and you were almost begging to leave, but the sound of Donna’s voice rang through your ears. “Just Bear and Baby now! Our two high-school graduates where’d the fucking time go.”

You couldn’t say no to Donna, and even if you did it's not like you had a believable reason as to why you didn’t want to be pictured alone with Carmy. The two of you got in position next to each other, neither of you moving to bridge the space between the two of you, both deciding to don awkward poses holding up your diplomas.

“Oh c’mon act like you love each other!” The words were mumbled through a cigarette but you knew Donna expected more from the two of you.

A reluctant sigh left you as you stepped closer to Carmy arm brushing his. You looked in his direction for a moment rolling your eyes at the blush on his cheeks. You reached out forcefully handing him your diploma as you fixed his uneven stole. You locked eyes, your heart speeding up just by staring at him, of course, you were still hurt by his actions but you couldn’t deny the soft spot you’d always have for him.

The urge to caress his cheek surged through you, but instead, you carefully took your diploma from his grip. Your hand fell to wrap around his as a small sincere smile rose to your lips, “I’m proud of you Carm.” The words were softly spoken between the two of you, you sent him one last smile before turning back for the last few pictures.

The backyard of the Berzatto family household was overrun with disposable cups and plates scattered around the various folding tables. A surprise graduation party for you and Carmy took place there after the ceremony, though most everybody had cleared out by now the backyard relatively empty.

You stumbled your way to the backyard after seeing Hayden off, soft giggles escaping you every few minutes or so. You’d spent the party socializing mostly with The Beef family and friends, a few of Carmy’s family members, and neighbors who’d joined the celebration, Claire and Hayden joined the party after some time with their own families. The night was mostly spent explaining your plans for college a hundred times over to all the curious adults who’d offered various forms of unsolicited advice.

Richie had been your saving grace though as he’d offered you drinks sporadically throughout the night he reasons that you deserved to celebrate. He’d cut you off before things got too far lecturing you about how Mikey and your mom would kill him if he got you drunk. So you spent the remainder of your night slightly tipsy enjoying yourself more than you probably would have.

The poisonous liquid even opened you up to spending time around Carmy. You knew he’d had a drink of his own but you weren’t sure if he continued like you had. But what sent you over the edge was the joint Hayden brought that the two of you snuck away to smoke. You’d had your fair share of drinks but you’d never been high before, and while all it seemed to do at first was make you a giggly mess, you found that you now had trouble getting your limbs to work properly.

You made your way safely to the backyard by placing your hand on the gate and following its path, eyes glued to the dirt beneath your sandals incessant giggles leaving you. The path illuminated as you stepped through the garden gate. You spotted Mikey and Richie moving around the backyard trash bags in hand as they cleaned up.

“You guysss.” Even to your ears, your voice didn’t sound like your own, your words drawn out the tone more high pitched.

More giggles escaped you as you began trying to skip over to the older men, whatever control over your equilibrium completely gone as your legs gave out knees connecting with the dirt, hands doing little to stop your fall as your body met the ground.

You didn’t even bother lifting yourself, instead rolling over as full belly laughs wracked your body, the lack of oxygen to your brain extending your high. You could feel someone tugging at your arms trying to pull you off the ground, laughs worsening tenfold as you felt like a rag doll gravity keeping your dead weight on the ground as hands fought to pull you up.

“Hey c’mon get up.” At the sound of Mikey’s voice, you let out an excited squeal finally helping him.

Mikey stumbled as you energetically rose arms tightly wrapping around his neck, head leaning into his chest as you divulged into another spell of giggles. You allowed him to gently remove your arms from around his neck taking a step back to check you a whispered curse leaving him as he motioned for Richie.

You tuned their voices out hands moving to try and play with Mikey’s hair, the inky tendrils were mesmerizing under the fairy lights, and you pouted as Mikey kept dodging your assault.

“Why the fuck do you smell like weed?” Mikey’s question stole your attention, your eyes darting between him and Richie a sly smile gracing your face as you raised your index finger to your lips in a shushing motion before you began to lose your balance once more but the firm almost harsh grip on your bicep steadied you. “Are you fucking high right now? Was it that fuckin’ loser who’s always on your ass?”

You scoffed at Mikey a sneer taking over your features, “Are you?” The backyard was silent, Richie stood watching the scene play out uncomfortably before your laughter started up once again. You weren’t privy to the hurt that flashed across Mikey’s face before he led you to sit down, kneeling in front of you to check out your scrapped-up knees. You watched on in silence gently swaying back and forth as you hummed.

Carmy walked into the kitchen to find Richie rummaging around as he quietly cursed to himself, the sound of Carmy’s footsteps alerted him to his presence, “Yo where the fuck is the first aid kit?” The anger in Richie’s voice confused Carmy as he shrugged deciding to help him look.

“Dunno, what’d ya need it for?” Carmy couldn’t pretend to know how Donna organized everything in the house, the only thing he had free reign over was his bedroom.

Richie slammed a cabinet in frustration, “Baby’s fucking high, probably drunk too. I don’t know why she hangs around that stupid fucking kid he’s bad news.”

Carmy frowned, he remembered watching you wander off somewhere with Hayden but he couldn’t remember you coming back and maybe he got you high, but Richie was the one who allowed you to drink in the first place so the blame was equally his. “Is she okay, why do we need the first-aid kit? And why the fuck did you even let her drink in the first place.” Carmy’s head swam with negative thoughts.

Richie stopped his search hand coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose the last thing he needed was Carmy and his fucking teenage angst being misguided towards him. Richie knew he shouldn’t have allowed you to drink as much as you did, but he didn’t see a problem with it considering it was supervised, how the fuck was he supposed to know you’d run off and get high. Before Richie could give the youngest Berzatto a piece of his mind his phone began to ring, the chime he designated for Tiff rang through his ears. He let out a quiet sigh as he dug his phone out of his pocket.

“Find the fuckin’ first aid kit and take it outside to Mikey.” Carmy’s eyes followed the direction Richie pointed his hand in before walking off. Eyes landing on you and Mikey, the older man settled in front of you on bended knee hand carefully massaging into your calf as he looked over your knee, your head raised to the night sky a smile of bliss on your lips.

You gazed up at the sky wondering what it must feel like to be a star, a feeling of contentment washing over you the longer you stared up at them. After a while, your head lulled to the side before your eyes found Mikey body still kneeling in the dirt before you.

“Mikey,” you waited as he let out a soft hum, his fingers carefully digging the pebble out of the skin of your knee. “Will you dance with me?”

Mikey let out a sigh, his earlier annoyance washed away the longer he realized you were safe, that even though you were crossfaded you still had the mind to return to him. He rose, knees thankful to be out of the kneeling position as he held his hand out to you to indulge your desire.

You stood on shaky legs allowing the older man to guide you to the center of the backyard, the only thing you could do in your inebriated state was sway back and forth, the weightlessness of your body forcing Mikey to guide the both of you. All was quiet, your cheek found purchase on Mikey’s chest at some point, and the sound of his heartbeat lulled you into a sense of calmness.

The night air was warm as the two of you swayed for what felt like an eternity, your hands moved from their place around Mikey’s waist to tightly wrap around his neck, eyes finding his. “Why doesn’t Carmy love me the way I love him?”

Mikey frowned unsure of what to say, you still looked gone out of your mind. A smile still playing on your lips, but the question you asked him was the direct opposite of every feeling present on your face. “Baby,” a tired sigh left him. “You’re kids, you’ve got your whole life to figure this shit out.”

You laughed, nothing Mikey said was funny you just couldn’t stop the urge to laugh at every little thing. Your fingers began unconsciously playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, for as long as you’d known Mikey you hadn’t realized just how handsome he was. You knew he attracted plenty of people but you’d never given much thought to it until now, seeing his face glow under the fairy lights.

Mikey’s side profile lit up showing off his chiseled jaw, his eyes roaming the back door trying to figure out what the fuck was taking Richie so long to find the first-aid kit.

After minutes of searching, Carmy finally decided to grab the first-aid kit from the guest bathroom before returning to the kitchen. He stopped in his tracks just as he made it to the back door fingers tightly gripping the plastic in his hand as he watched you and Mikey in the center of the backyard, eyes wide heart beating rapidly in his chest.

Carmy’s eyes moved from Mikey’s hands on your waist, to your hands wrapped around his neck fingers in his freshly trimmed hair before his eyes landed on the way your lips seemed to find solace against the oldest Berzatto’s.

He couldn’t stand to look at the two of you any longer, his feet leading him back into the kitchen carelessly dropping the first-aid kit to the counter as his hands gripped the marble. His mind raced with all the ways he might have imagined what he had just seen. He did his best to ignore the sound of Richie’s voice as he finally returned, his grating Chicago accent asking about the stupid fucking first-aid kit before snatching it off the counter himself and moving to exit the house.

“Oh…shit.” Carmy had never thought in all his years of knowing Richie that the man was capable of whispering, but as he stood there trying to convince himself he’d made the whole scene up he knew it was null and void from Richie’s reaction alone.

Carmy moved back into the shadow of the kitchen as the back door opened, your quiet giggles filtering through his ears as you entered the house, a soft ‘goodnight Richie’ followed as you walked past him to head wherever you were going. Carmy watched you make your way to the stairs, his hands shaking as he tried to get a hold of his anger, the sight of you tripping up the stairs a catalyst for the damn that held his emotions back.

Without a second thought, he pushed past Richie making his way outside to find Mikey sitting down, head in his hands. “You robbing the fucking cradle now huh?” He ignored Richie’s plea to calm down not even wanting to be around either of these two fucking losers.

Mikey raised his head exhaustion clear on his face, “Go to bed Carmy.” His tone was dismissive as he stood from his position to continue his cleaning.

The casual way Mikey ignored him pissed Carmy off even more, “Why the fuck would you kiss her Mikey? What the fuck is your problem man!”

Carmy did his best to shrug off Richie’s touch as the man tried and failed to lead the riled-up teenager back inside, sure this was all some big misunderstanding. “I don’t have time for this, just get the fuck outta here.” Carmy could hear the growing frustration in his brother’s voice but the anger surging through him was fighting any logic his brain was pushing forth.

“You’re a piece of fucking shit Mikey, what the fuck you say to her huh? Sh-she wouldn’t just fucking kiss you, Mikey. Don’t pretend you fucking deserve her…I-I see the way you look at her don’t fucking lie to me.”

Carmy’s words had their intended effect whichever ones he wasn’t sure but he’d struck a cord in Mikey, that much was evident in the way he threw an empty beer bottle to the ground the loud shattering echoing through the quiet neighborhood. “And you do Carm?” A sardonic laugh left the vicious sneer on Mikey’s lips, “Give her a couple years Carm, who knows maybe she’ll decide I’m the better brother.”

Mikey knew the words were wrong the second they left his mouth and he didn’t need to hear Richie’s admonishing call of his name to realize it. Mikey didn’t see you as anything more than a little sister and he made sure you knew that as he gently pushed you away from him, breaking the kiss you initiated as soon as it started, he couldn’t be sure your inebriated mind understood at the moment, but he needed to make the boundaries between the two of you clear. Talking about you in the way he just did made him feel like the piece of shit Carmy was making him out to be, he was old enough to know not to disrespect you in the way he just did, but his younger brother's misdirected anger was the last thing he needed to hear, so Mikey hit him where it hurt a low moment of his he was sure to regret.

It all happened so fast the way Carmy took several quick steps forward, fist swinging out just as Richie wrapped his arms around him stopping his momentum before his fist could connect with Mikey’s face. Carmy struggled against Richie for a few moments before slumping against him defeat clear on his face. He shoved Richie away from him as he let him go, angry eyes blazing through Mikey’s figure.

“Fuck you, Mikey,” The quiet angry quip was punctuated by the glob of spit flying out of Carmy’s mouth and landing by Mikey’s shoe.

The last thing Carmy wanted to see as he stormed into his room was your figure in the middle of his floor, sundress pushed far too high up your legs displaying your panties as you sorted through the first-aid supplies scattered around you that you’d most likely found in his bathroom.

You looked like a fucking idiot sitting there focusing way too hard trying to read the ointment you’d picked up. Carmy’s irritated huff reached your ears a wide grin gracing your lips as you looked up to see him standing in the doorway. He rolled his eyes slamming the door behind him as he made his way fully into the room.

The loud noise had you stifling your giggles, “Someone’s mad.” The words were drawn out in a sing-song voice.

Carmy was doing his damndest to not blow up on you as he made his way to his dresser before pulling out a pair of your sweats you kept over for emergencies. He pulled the sweats out balling them up in his hand before harshly slamming the drawer and turning around and tossing them at your head, the bundle of cotton hitting you in the face and sending you into a fit of hysterics.

“Fucking cover yourself up.” The harsh tone of his voice caused you to roll your eyes quiet giggles still slipping past your lips as you reached for the sweats before putting on a deep voice and mocking him.

You stood up struggling to step into your sweats without losing your balance. You’d thought you had it this time but you were mistaken as the feeling of being on one leg sent you toppling over onto Carmy’s bed.

Carmy’s anger ebbed away into annoyance at the state you were in as he moved to help you stand before leading you to sit on his bed eyes dropping to your scraped-up knees only to realize that you’d done fuck all to clean them.

He ignored you as he gathered the necessary supplies and began to work on the scrapes on your right knee, doing his best to finish quickly so the both of you could get some sleep and pretend this night never happened.

“Carmy, you’re still my best friend…right?” You still sounded out of it as you asked the question, Carmy was resigned to ignoring you but then your soft voice began whispering his name incessantly.

“Sure Baby.” The irritation was obvious in his voice, and even more obvious in the way he harshly rubbed the alcohol pad against your wound, the movement causing you to wince. “Sorry.”

You sat still for a moment before your hands made their way to his grown-out hair, fingers wrapping around the curls that began to form at the ends. “I have a secret to tell you but you have to promise you won’t get mad.”

He gave a noncommittal hum hoping to finish patching you up before you spoke another word. The silence in the room gave Carmy hope that you’d fallen asleep but he was sorely mistaken as your quiet voice reached his ears. “I kissed Mikey. But…he didn’t like it.”

Carmy was surprised to hear the words leave your mouth, sure that the drugs and alcohol in your system would lead you to crack some stupid joke. He let go of your leg before leaning back on his haunches his eyebrows furrowed at your admission. “Why?” If this was true, if you kissed Mikey of your own volition he needed to understand why. And it also meant he probably owed his older brother some form of an apology.

He watched as your shoulders moved up and down in a lazy shrug that goofy smile still pulling at your lips, but the sheen in your eyes contradicted it, “I wanted to forget about you.” Your voice was hoarse with emotion as you answered hands moving from the curls of Carmy’s hair to gently grip his face in your scratched-up hands.

The two of you stared at each other, minutes ticking by as you drank each other in, Carmy’s confusion only growing as you began to giggle again, the noise juxtaposed by the new tears streaming down your cheeks.

“But I think I’ll remember you forever.”

a/n: please don’t take this as your sign to get experimental with drugs and alcohol, in no way am i endorsing that any of you go out and do this. please remember you are responsible for your own media consumption!!!

my first edible made me think i was the yellow power ranger, so please if you do, use recreational drugs safely and correctly!!!

#etherealising’s 1k celebration #carmen berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto x you #carmy berzatto x reader #carmy the bear x reader #carmy berzatto x you #the bear fic #the bear x reader #the bear x you #fem reader #all i ever knew only you ₊‧°𐐪♡𐑂°‧₊#[aiekoy] universe

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farfromstrange · 1 year ago

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Do No Harm

CHAPTER ONE: Night Shift

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

Pairing: Matt Murdock x F!Reader

Summary: Matt has to accompany Foggy to the ER in the middle of the night because he dislocated his shoulder. In need for some peace and quiet, Matt wanders the halls of Metro General and instead finds you crying in one of the abandoned hallways. A conversation ensues.

Warnings for this chapter: Slight angst, mention of injury.

Word Count: 4.3k

A/n: My brain gets the strangest ideas for fics and then I have to write them or else I will go crazy. This is how this baby was born. Keep in mind, I’m not a doctor. I simply watch a lot of medical dramas and I like to research medical terms for the fun of it. Heed the warnings for the entire series (see Series Masterlist) but also chapter-specific warnings that apply, as seen above. I hope you enjoy!

Read Chapter 1: Night Shift here on AO3

Ever since he can remember, Matt has hated hospitals. The antiseptic scent that lingers in the air, the sterile white walls that seem to close in around him—it all brings back memories of days spent in agony, tied to an uncomfortable bed, and seeing nothing but an endless void of black.

He can only tune out so much. The stench, the sirens, and the overlapping voices in an emergency room—they could easily kill him.

Hospitals remind him of what he lost. He lost his vision, he lost his father and in the process, he lost his innocence. Matt lost everything, and even though he is well aware that it isn’t the hospital’s fault that he decided to save a man or that his father made a deal with the devil and got himself killed, he still hates the same empty walls that made him feel so small to begin with.

Matt doesn’t want to be a liability, he doesn’t want to be the reason the people he loves get hurt, and yet it continues to happen time and time again.

Maybe he’s cursed. It’s the only explanation for how things are going for him now. Maybe God has a grudge and finally decided to exercise his right to make his life a living hell. There is an infinite number of possibilities, but none of them make sense.

He’s the anti-hero of his own story and that of everyone else who has ever dared to let him into their lives. He’s his own worst enemy, his personal saboteur. His unwavering pride has a tendency to get in the way of his happiness, which often leads to more bad than good, but admitting that would leave him vulnerable and exposed—and he can’t let himself get hurt again.

It’s better to push the people he loves away before he can hurt them and force them to walk out on him the same way everyone else in his life has walked out on him ever since he can remember. At least in his twisted mind, that’s true.

He never thought he would find himself in Metro General again, not since Claire came into his life. Claire, the caring nurse who saved him when he was on death’s door and continued doing so until she realized that falling for the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen comes with its own set of risks.

Foggy dislocated his shoulder.

It’s almost laughable. Out of everyone, he chose Matt to come to the hospital with him. Not Karen, Matt. He had the choice between the most empathetic person either of them have ever met, and Matt, someone so far out of touch with his own feelings, living in denial has become the standard for him. Foggy chose the latter, for whatever reason he doesn’t even seem to know himself. It just felt like the most natural thing to do, he told Matt when he asked his best friend, “Why me?”

He should feel honored that he trusts him that much, but being trapped in the sterile four walls of the hospital he only connects bad memories to while Foggy is stuck in the queue for an X-ray feels more like torture than an honorable act.

The loud, demanding voices of the nurses, the painful groans and soft cries coming from the patients in the waiting area of the emergency room a few doors down, and the obnoxious beeping of the machines lining the walls in every room are like a swarm of bees in Matt’s inner ear. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t get them out. He’s allergic to them.

The room smells of disinfectant, blood, and other bodily fluids. He tries to focus on his cologne and the scentless laundry detergent he has grown so accustomed to over the years, but the balm only lasts for a few seconds before the wound reopens and his senses are flooded.

Matt keeps rhythmically tapping his fingers on his thigh. How much longer he can sit on this uncomfortable plastic chair in front of the radiology area and wait for Foggy to return, he doesn’t know. It won’t be long now until he loses his mind. He is about to drown in his own misery.

He feels the desperate urge to land his fist in the wall next to him. He wants to scream, cry, maybe even both—this night is not going well. He hasn’t had a good night in weeks. Tonight though, he’s stuck in the hospital rather than outside, doing something against the injustice he is forced to listen to every day.

The hits he took the previous night were pretty severe, and his ribs still hurt. The numb ache that tears through him whenever he moves is a temporary relief from the pain induced by the noise around him. Whatever bits of sanity he tries holding onto eventually slip through his fingers.

Eventually, he can’t take it anymore. He gets up, his head tilting toward Foggy’s elevated heartbeat. He’s still in line. Fifth, probably.

Matt taps his cane against the floor, making his way down the hallway. He’s not quite sure where he’s going or where he will land, he just knows that he needs to get out of there as fast as possible.

Rounding the hundredth corner of the evening, the sound of clattering metal trays and medical supplies disappears behind layers of drywall and automatic doors. Matt takes a moment, and he realizes that right here—right where he is now—he can finally breathe again.

The sound travels more easily. The air wafting through the vents and over the cotton sheets on a row of empty beds is the only sound that meets his ears. They’re lined against one side of the wall. The rooms are empty, the doors locked. It seems as if in a moment of desperation, he found his way to one of the abandoned parts of the hospital.

A lack of funding caused Metro General to cut their losses. It certainly wasn’t an easy decision, but with capitalism on the rise, public hospitals are barely holding on.

Even though the truth is depressing, Matt still can’t believe his luck when he realizes how quiet it is. That may be a selfish thought, but he can't help it. The world is always so loud and uncomfortable. Finding someplace quiet after torturing himself in the waiting room for hours feels like heaven on earth on such a busy night.

The fog dulling his senses finally dissipates. He takes a deep breath. The air is cleaner here. No disinfectant, only the faint scent of plastic and dust; he wouldn't have thought it possible that he would ever consider that combination a blessing.

That’s when he hears it—a slightly elevated heartbeat followed by a series of muffled sobs. He got so caught up in the fact that he finally found what he was looking for amidst the chaos that he forgot to fan out his hearing.

Despite what he originally believed, he isn’t alone.

The air smells of the salty essence of human tears. Matt stops dead in his tracks, not sure whether to continue his journey or to turn around and return to the uncomfortable plastic chair in front of the radiology department.

“This nervous breakdown space is occupied,” your soft voice bounces off the high walls. It’s thick with exhaustion. Pain. Loss. He almost recoils at the all-too-familiar feeling it elicits in him.

Matt keeps his cane hugged tight to his chest, his knuckles whitening with how hard he is gripping the base. “Oh, I...I’m sorry,” he says, careful to keep his voice light. “I didn’t catch you there.”

You’re essentially a stranger to him. A troubled one, at that. You must have your share of problems or you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be crying your eyes out. He doesn’t want to intrude, but he also can’t turn around. Not now, not anymore. You’ve already noticed him.

You sniffle, your hands wiping against the soft skin of your reddened cheeks. For a moment, your heartbeat picks up in speed before returning to its normal rhythm. “It’s alright,” you assure him.

Matt picks up on the faintest hint of disinfectant and the scent of antibacterial soap on you now, maybe a little blood, and definitely antiseptic laundry detergent—you’re wearing medical scrubs.

Your shampoo smells of vanilla and some herbal element he can’t quite identify just yet. Your perfume isn’t expensive, just enough to last through a long shift and filter the sweat that is seeping out of your pores. It’s not unpleasant. You smell like someone who’s been working hard and far past your limits, too.

“Do you need something?” you ask him.

He pauses for a moment, rethinking his answer. His lips purse. He’s not sure how to answer that without completely giving himself away.

Your eyebrows raise slightly.

“Oh, just…some peace and quiet,” Matt says, finally finding his voice again. It sounds a bit more nervous than he would like to admit.

The chuckle you exhale is one of surprise and possibly even a bit of genuine amusement. “Yeah,” you sniffle, “I know that feeling.”

“Well, I’ll, uh, leave you to it. Sorry again.”

“No. Don’t.”

Matt stops in his tracks when the words pass your lips.

You pat the space beside you. Your perfume becomes a little clearer. It’s so natural, so… you. He could get high off of it. Or maybe it’s just the sleep deprivation catching up to him.

“This is the only quiet corner in this hospital,” you tell him. “Trust me. Underfunding has its perks for introverts. Rest in peace to about thirty internal medicine beds, but lucky me.”

Your chuckle echoes bitterly off the walls. You use humor to cope, apparently, but you’ve run out of strength to pretend.

His cane begins to gently pave the way as he makes his way forward. “Do you mind?” Matt nods toward the bed you’re sitting on.

You pat the mattress again with a shake of your head. “Not at all.”

Gentle seems to be the one word that is consistent with everything you do. He can’t get this picture he has painted of you based on the sound of your voice out of his head. Maybe you’re an angel and he has officially gone insane, or maybe there are just a lot more good people left in this world than he originally thought.

Matt folds his cane and skillfully sits down on the edge of the mattress. You smell even better up close. Your heartbeat reminds him of a beautiful symphony, no longer as erratic as when he first picked up on your presence.

“I’m Matthew, by the way,” he says.

He can hear a sudden uptick in your heartbeat. He may have just imagined it. You suck in a sharp breath, and he’s sure he didn’t imagine that, but then you lift your hand to take his.

“Olivia,” you say.

Matt listens closely. You have no reason to lie about your name. Your heartbeat may be faster, but it isn’t a lie. You just seem a lot more nervous and unsure than before. It doesn’t quite make sense why you would be unsure about your own name.

“Nice to meet you, Olivia.” His lips curl into a soft smile.

You smile back, he can hear it, but it lacks an essence of truth. You’re trying hard to seem like you’re okay. It’s not your fault that his senses are sensitive to all changes in the human body, even in that of a stranger he just met.

You’ve been crying, so of course, you wouldn’t be alright. The question is, why?

“I take it you’re not part of the staff,” you say into the silence.

“No.” Matt chuckles. “I, uh, have a friend with a dislocated shoulder,” he says.

“Ah! Let me guess, his doctor in the ER reduced the dislocation but insisted on doing an X-ray just in case, so now you have to wait because radiology has a hold-up longer than the Nile?”

A laugh rumbles through his chest. “Yeah, that… that’s pretty accurate.”

“It’s always like this,” you say. “A dislocated shoulder doesn’t have priority. We have bigger fish to fry.”

“You work here?” he dares to ask.

You pull at the bottom of your scrub top. “Guilty as charged. Trauma surgery. I’ve been an attending here for a little over two years now.”

“Oh, wow! That’s…that’s incredible.”

Matt has encountered his fair share of doctors in the past, but no one has ever been quite like you. You’re unique. Mysterious. An enigma. You have piqued his curiosity, to say the least, and your profession only adds to the pile of interesting things he can ponder about.

You smile at him again, but it’s still not a genuine one. “Thanks,” you drag the last syllable out, the air deflating your lungs.

He swallows. “Or it isn’t. I didn’t mean to–”

“No, that’s not… some days just aren’t that rewarding,” you say. “That’s all.”

“And today has been one of those days?” Matt asks.

“Yeah, something like that.”

Your eyes roam over him once again.

He reaches for his hair, running his hand through it. He ruffles the brown strands until they’re covering his left temple. Matt’s not sure if you saw; there is a high chance that you did, but he can't anticipate your behavior. Not yet.

You let out a longer breath. “Not a fan of hospitals, I take it?” you ask.

He shakes his head. “It gets… loud,” he says.

“Sensitivity to sound.” You nod. “Noted.”

He hears the fabric of your scrubs brushing against your skin and the cotton sheets on the bed. You cross your legs, opening yourself up to him just slightly, and he wonders if you really are comfortable around him or if you’re just being kind.

“Probably to smell as well? Feeling? Taste?” There is a soft smile laced in your voice. This time, it’s real.

Matt chuckles. You hit the nail right on the head. You’re simply not aware of how sensitive he is to these things. “Pretty sensitive, yeah,” he says.

That about sums it up. You nod, but you don’t push him any further.

“Well,” you say, “The ER is pretty disgusting. And loud. And to be forced to wait in front of radiology is probably a scenario they offer as a torture device in one of the seven circles of hell.”

He can’t help himself, “It’s nine, actually.”

“Sorry?”

“Nine circles,” Matt clarifies, his lips twitching in a faint grin. “Dante’s Inferno. A good Catholic boy’s guilty pleasure.”

You let out a genuine laugh this time, and it warms his senses. It’s a rare sound in a place filled with so much pain. He can almost hear the weight from your shoulders hit the floor. The tension in the air seems to ease, if only for a moment. You allow to let yourself go.

Your grin turns into a smirk. “Catholic, huh?” you retort.

“Since the day I was born,” he says. “Are you religious?”

That seems to steal your breath away. You have no words. For a full minute, silence settles in between the two of you. It’s almost uncomfortable, and Matt fears he must have crossed a line. He just doesn’t know how to apologize for something he is truly curious about.

The topic of God and religion seems to hit a nerve when it’s not used in a humorous context. There are many reasons why that could be. He spends every day battling his own religious trauma and the demons that he feels he’s harboring deep inside, but he still holds on tight to his faith. If he doesn’t have an excuse—if he doesn’t have anything to hold onto other than what broken self-respect he has left—where would he be?

You finally clear your throat after what feels like an eternity. “No,” it’s a simple answer. “I don’t believe that there is a God.”

Your mouth stays open. You want to say something else, but your lips close within seconds after the thought has passed by you, and you swallow it. He wonders what he could have learned about you if you had allowed yourself to say what you were truly thinking when the words first left your mouth. You’re holding back, and it is audible. It might even be visible. Your cheeks are running hot.

Matt nods. He doesn’t question you. Your beliefs are yours. Most of the time, he doesn’t even believe that there is a God himself.

“It’s hard to keep the faith in this world, especially when you work so hard every day trying to save people’s lives. When you are forced to see what the system does to those who can’t defend themselves over and over again, but you can’t do anything about it. Or when you see what people do to each other. I mean, the cruelty of human beings is unmatched, and it makes you wonder if God is just a sadist, or if maybe he isn’t even real because a gracious God wouldn’t let innocent children die,” you cut yourself off in an instant, and he tilts his head toward you in surprise.

Your breath shudders. “I… I’ve seen too much bad to believe that there is an all-merciful God,” you say. “So I simply don’t.”

You try to meet his eyes, but all you see is your reflection in the red of his rounded glasses. Your heart breaks a little, he can hear it. Your shoulders slump. You’re defeated.

He isn’t sure how to react to that. How to help. How to be a decent human being. Matt just doesn’t have the answers you need, and it makes him question his own faith for a minute. Not that he has ever not questioned it; his relationship with God is as complicated as it gets.

You catch yourself after a moment of staring into the void of his glasses. “But… that’s my opinion. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“I’m not offended,” Matt says.

You were smiling, and now you’re not anymore. He doesn’t like that. He liked it more when you were more open with him. Your legs have moved back to your chest, your arms clinging to them. You’ve retreated.

“Sorry,” you whisper. The edge in your voice breaks his heart.

He shakes his head. “Don’t apologize. I get it. Injustice…it’s a parasite. I’ve encountered my fair share of good people who deserved better than what they got. You try and you fail over and over again because the world isn't fair. I’d be the last person to judge you for not sharing my beliefs.” He breaks off in a chuckle. “I'm not that kind of guy.”

Your eyebrows shoot up to your hairline. “What is that you do again?” You didn’t ask that question before.

“I’m a lawyer,” he states. “Defense attorney.”

“Wow,” you let out a soft puff of air, “And you chose to go to Metro General instead of jumping on the big money train to the Upper East Side?”

Although your tone is joking, Matt can tell that there is an ounce of truth in your words.

He hides his laugh behind a cough. He’s not sure if he’s surprised or if he actually finds that assumption hilarious. Maybe a bit of both.

“Oh, no.” He shakes his head. “I have never even been in the same station as the big money train.”

“Oh?”

“No. We, my partner and I, do pro-bono work. We don't get paid for our services. Well, other than baked goods and overdue bills in the mail, of course.”

You chuckle. “That’s a relief. Not so much for your bank account, but ethically.”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry for assuming. That was prejudiced of me,” you say. “I’m not trying to judge you. I’m sorry. Rich or not, it’s none of my business.”

Matt shrugs. “It's okay. Lawyers and doctors are the two professions so many think make millions of Dollars a year, and while that may be the case for a few, a lot of us just… don’t,” he says.

“Amen! If I had a drink, I’d toast to that.”

“Yeah, well, an intoxicated doctor would not fare well in the legal sense.”

“You think that would end my career?”

“I can’t even give you good legal advice other than, don’t.”

Your giggle turns into a laugh. “Thank you for the advice, counselor.”

He joins in. “Anytime.”

For a moment, only the two of you exist. Matt adjusts his position, but he doesn’t take his bruised ribs into account. His wince is barely audible, yet you notice it in an instant. And when his hair slips, you can see the gash on his forehead. The one he tried to stitch up himself but probably did an awful job at concealing.

Your eyes narrow in concern. “What happened to you?” your voice barely breeches the sound barrier.

“Oh, nothing,” he tries to shrug it off. “Just an accident.”

“An accident?”

“I am blind, you know. I tripped, hit my head. It happens.”

“Hm.” Much to his surprise, you don’t press him further. Instead, you gently reach out to brush the sweaty strand of hair from his face that he used to cover up the aftermath of his latest endeavor.

Now that he thinks about it, his ribs really do hurt. He’s sure nothing is broken, but they are severely bruised. Even he can feel the blood pooling under the skin.

You bite your lip, not wanting to pry. The urge is obvious to him, but only to him. You’re good at your job. You focus on the task at hand. That is probably why you became a doctor in the first place; to help people, not to pry.

But Matt Murdock doesn’t need help.

“It’s fine,” he assures you.

You nod. “I believe you.”

You don’t. You’re lying. He appreciates the effort though. You try your best at making him feel comfortable and welcome. Asking questions would only drive him away; you wouldn’t be able to satiate your pathological need to help. It’s who you are.

“Whoever patched this up did a terrible job,” you say, “and I don’t want to know who did it because if you tell me it was you, I will lose my mind, so, I choose to believe you for the sake of my own sanity.”

His lips part in a soft laugh. “Yeah, you don't wanna know,” he says.

“Can I fix it?"

He opens his mouth to decline, “You don’t have to, I–”

“Please.”

There is no arguing with you, it seems.

Your footsteps echo in the empty hallway. One of the drawers in the cart across from the bed slides open at your touch. Matt can hear the distinct crinkle of packaging and the clanking of metal. When you return to his side, your steps are a little heavier.

“I’m going to clean the wound and then apply a butterfly bandage to help the skin grow back together,” you explain. “The cut isn't that deep, but you must’ve hit your head pretty hard when you fell. I can’t force you to get a head CT, so… If you experience any nausea or neurological deficits in the next few days, you should come back to run some tests. But—and that is not my expert medical opinion because I don’t have the tests to back it up—I think it should be fine to heal on its own.”

“Any other advice, Doc?” he jokes.

“Well, I can’t give the same good news about your bruised ribs.” You only have to place your hand on his side and his lips come to press tightly together. “I’m guessing third and fourth,” you say. “If one of them is fractured, it makes you run at risk for internal bleeding, but to see the extent of your injuries, we’d have to get an MRI. That is not my call to make. I can’t force you to get your battle scars checked out, I can just advise you to think about it. Really think about it.”

Matt sighs. His laughter has long died. “I know.”

He doesn’t want to repeat himself. He’s fine. He has to pretend that he’s fine because he doesn’t have time for doctors or questions. Neither you nor the law can protect him from the damage that the truth would do.

You’re disappointed, but you swallow your pride. With delicate precision, you start cleaning the wound on his forehead, the cotton swab dabbing at the dried blood. He winces at the sting of antiseptic, a subtle twitch in response to the pain.

“Sorry,” you murmur.

Matt manages a half-smile. “It’s alright. I’ve had worse.”

That doesn’t make you feel better, but you accept it. You’ve learned to respect your patients’ wishes, even if that means swallowing a lie.

As you work, your fingers graze over his skin with a careful tenderness. It’s a stark contrast to the harshness of the world he navigates outside—a double-edged sword. If he doesn’t go out there, more people die or get hurt. He would sustain the same injuries over and over again and almost die rather than pretend that evil isn’t lurking right outside his window every night. And there is a bigger storm brewing in the distance, one he isn’t fully prepared for.

Yet.

You finish cleaning the wound and proceed to carefully apply a fresh bandage. Matt can feel the cool adhesive against his skin. Your touch is soothing, almost comforting, and he allows himself to relax.

“There,” you announce softly. “All patched up.”

Matt lifts his hand to touch the bandage, a habit he developed over the years to reassure himself that someone cared enough to tend to his wounds. “Thank you,” he answers.

“No biggie.” You shrug with a tiny smile, and that makes him smile, too. It shows him that while you are displeased with his lack of respect for himself and his health, you aren’t mad at him. You just care.

The shrill beeping of your pager tears a headache through his skull.

You curse under your breath. “I’m so sorry,” you say as you skim over the text that has been sent to you. “The, uh—the ER needs me.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he quickly responds.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Go. Save a life!”

You’re reluctant at first, but then your lips curl into a broader, more genuine smile, and in the heat of the moment, you grab his hand. “It was nice meeting you, Matthew,” you say. “Take care of yourself.”

Your footsteps retreat and your heartbeat gets fainter as you walk down the hallway. He’s speechless. He doesn’t even remember how to say goodbye.

“Oh, and do me a favor?” You stop momentarily just to ask him, “Get those ribs checked out?”

His mouth opens and closes like that of a fish on dry land. “Sure,” he says.

“Thank you,” these are your last words to him before you take off running.

Both of you know though that once he is out of Metro General and on his way home, he won’t come back. Not for himself, at least. And it is something you have to accept as much as he has to accept the fact that you are long gone, off to save a life in the very four walls that seemed so scary to him all alone only fifteen minutes ago.

Tag List: @shiorimakibawrites @allllium @siampie @auroraslibrary @roseallisonparker @abucketofweird @thatonegamefish @capylore @kniselle @sumo-b98 @peachstarliight @littlehappyperson @danzer8705

#matt murdock #daredevil #matt murdock x reader #matt murdock x f!reader #daredevil x reader #matt murdock x you #doctor!reader #medical drama #matt murdock angst #matt murdock fluff #matt murdock imagines #charlie cox #do no harm

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magiturge · 2 years ago

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an analysis of gabriel - ultrakill

there's a lot of things about this guy i just want to talk about. let's start in an almost consecutive order of information we learn about him.

ACT I. - INFINITE HYPERDEATH 1-4 clair de lune - mansion owner's diary and stained glass art

these are the first references / appearances of gabriel in game.

the mansion owner's diary refers to him as a friend, showing that despite being an angel, gabriel had the time and the forgiveness to grant sinners / husks some form of kindness. while it can be interpreted as this particular husks devotion to being faithful to angels in general with how they hold back from plunging deeper into hell, they constantly and mainly refer to gabriel.

the other interpretation could be that when the husk is referring to gabriel, they could be using the stained glass art of him as worship and there is the possibility that gabriel has not actually interacted with them in person, however later bits of information lean more on gabriel having actually met them in person. the lust renaissance and minos

as we come up on lust, the next bit of lore that we are met with is the story of the death of king minos.

from here, we learn that gabriel has killed minos and is the reason why there is a gigantic shambling corpse looking for sinners in the lust layer. we also learn that gabriel is not just any angel but the one that embodies or represents the will of god. in the name of god's will, he is willing to kill what we later learn is a beloved ruler who granted the sinners in lust a more forgiving place to spend eternity. in p-1, we are met with the flesh prison that ensnares minos' soul, created in an effort to prevent it from forming into a prime soul. a segment of his monologue from when he is released from the flesh prison : "O Gabriel... now dawns thy reckoning, and thy gore shall glisten before the temples of man!" it's quite clear from that that minos no longer remains a pacifist when it comes to taking revenge on the angel who pulled everything out from under him. now, to minos prime's terminal entry. it gives more context onto the overall lore of ultrakill itself but does contain information that is important later on. pictures of the terminal entries will come from the wiki page due to the in game terminal entries not fitting into one screen.

we learn that god has disappeared and due to this has thrown heaven into a panicked frenzy. this is important given that gabriel is an angel and how the disappearance of what would be described as his leader or figurehead to follow would do to him.

in the disappearance of god, a council has taken control of heaven and in the event of this, they have seen that minos has freed sinners from the punishment they were meant to serve. gabriel is sent to strike down minos and murdered him without listening to what minos had to say. we see just how deep rooted gabriel's faith in god is and how he answers to the council. he has killed a beloved ruler without mercy and from the text written from the perspective of a lust resident, he believes what he is doing is just.

3-2 in the flesh we now actually meet gabriel in the flesh after everything we have learned so far. as v1 leaves the first room, gabriel speaks. "Machine... turn back, now. The layers of this palace are not for your kind. Turn back, or you will be crossing the will of God." while he sounds as prideful as an angel would be, with a holier than thou tone of voice, the context of what he is saying is important combined with how he actually views v1 at this point. gabriel is warning v1 to go no further and to turn back while it still has the chance which is quite odd in the grand scheme of his actions. "a mere object." "an imperfection to be cleansed." not. even. mortal." "you are less than nothing." these are a portion of taunts that quite clearly display how he feels about v1, a machine. v1 is simply an object to him, plunging deeper into hell. in addition to this, hakita in the developer commentary stream states : "Gabriel is like, as soon as a machine gets too far downwards, he will like interrupt them and kill them. So to him, you are just one of like a hundred or thousand of whatever machines that he's encountered and tried to stop." despite this, gabriel grants the mercy of warning v1, giving them a chance to go back as they shouldn't be down here. it's a curious thing about gabriel, isn't it? up to this point, we know of gabriel striking down a beloved king but here he is merciful enough to warn what he sees as something that is not even mortal, a mere object. and seeing that v1 at this moment is nothing more than another machine to him, would it be odd to assume he had warned other like this as well? while not immediately important to this analysis, the eye in the arena focuses on gabriel. hakita in the developer commentary stream states that : "The eyes normally follow you, like they look at you when you're walking around but in this arena it's actually looking at Gabriel because he's the real point of interest."

this is more something that will be important to the lore regarding hell itself rather than gabriel himself, given it would be reasonable for hell to be more interested in a supreme angel than you, another machine.

moving on, we have gabriel's overall presentation and impression on us. he presents himself as holy, righteous, better than you. he at this point is unlikeable, we only know the sour side of him. when he loses to v1, he is bewildered by his loss, unable to believe he had just lost to what he sees as just an object. he's clearly angry with v1 and possibly, himself. before we go over the end of ACT I's story segment, we will go over what else we have learned from gabriel provided by the first terminal entry we recieve of him.

from here we learn his proper status up in heaven, a respected and feared archangel. he has a reputation of completing tasks quickly and that he is beloved among other angels moreso than the council.

it's also put that he has popular for his "radiant personality and active nature" which depending one what you prefer, could either be how he presents himself to you in 3-2 or different demeanor we have yet to see.

i’m inclined to believe the latter and we will get to that later, so keep that in mind.

we also learn that gabriel is a hardworker, a devoted angel to god that completes what is asked of him. this can be used as reference to how he has slain king minos prior as it seemed to be more of a task to complete rather than a personal attack fueled by his own emotions.

he’s a hard worker that did not question what was asked of himas long as he had it in his mind that his actions were to benefit someone he cared about, be it the people of heaven or god.

the strategy tips that the terminal tells us that gabriel is an angel with a great deal of pride stating that his pride is what “stops him from attacking while taunting his opponent”. on top of this, his pride not only prevented him from attacking during taunts but from also using splendor is justice and justice is splendor in this fight as well. this is, again, important for later since how his behavior in 3-2 differs vastly from his behavior in ACT II. closing in on this segment, we end with gabriel's disbelief at his loss. "What? How can this be? Bested by this.. this thing? You insignificant FUCK! This is not over!" with the use of profanity, gabriel's front as a divine angel falls apart. his composure is lost and he is utterly confused, perfectly portrayed by his voice actor gianni matragano. everything that he has believed has been shattered here, as hakita explains in the developer commentary stream that a machine besting an angel is something that should be impossible. an angel being beaten by a human is absurd but for a child of mankind to best an angel is like that of an ant beating a human in a fight. it just does not make sense to gabriel and unfortunately, his account of his loss does not serve a stable argument to the holy council. ACT I. - INTERMISSION ( the ending cutscene is linked here as it is incredibly long. ) remember that gabriel is on of the brightest angels in heaven if not the brightest angel who works quickly, efficiently and is a beloved angel among the others? that status does not protect him here. we open in on gabriel being looked at with resentment by the council, speaking amongst one another on what to do with him. gabriel is listening to their bitter words, that sting being something that would cause more pain to ones not as strong as him. it continues in describing how gabriel believes that it is also impossible for a mere object to best him, he believes that he knows this as true. and it is not. so he rises to make an argument for himself, stating that he would never stray from the will of the father but a machine has bested him in battle. in this moment, i believe it is gabriel's attempt to warn the council that these "mere objects" are something not to take lightly. but they don't listen to him. now there is a very important line here that is often overlooked and in the video i have linked referring to this line is different which is most likely why it is overlooked or misinterpreted. "your failure will not be tolerated" was changed to "your treachery will not be tolerated." as seen here :

the council cannot grasp that an angel could have lost to a machine. so instead, they have concluded that gabriel has betrayed them and purposefully let it go further down. throughout this interaction between gabriel and the council, he is spoken over, not given a chance to properly explain himself or the situation at hand. his pleas were not heard and he is seen as a traitor, now to die within 24 hours with the time quickly dissolving. what could the severing of his holy light, the title of a traitor hanging over his head and the potential fear that the machines that were supposed to be beneath him do to his mental state at this point of the story? well, that is where this comes in.. ACT II. - IMPERFECT HATRED to recap what i've run through, we know that : • gabriel is one of heaven's brightest angels, a hard worker that is well loved and also feared by many as well as being quite skilled in combat. • he has killed the former judge of hell, a beloved king who believed that eternal torment for loving one another was too cruel a punishment, as ordered by the council. • at the moment, he's on a clock, the holy light having been severed from his body and he is seething with a supposed hatred to rid of you and to prove himself faithful to god.

4-1 slaves to power now this part comes from the terminal entry of the virtue that is first introduced in this level.

we learn about how lesser angels form as well as more information on how heaven itself works with a social hierarchy. we also learn how they relate in terms of being another angelic being in hell, next to gabriel. their role is to put the sinners who are not acting out their punishment in their place "in order to not waste gabriel's time with minor offences and fluctuations." so gabriel's role in hell generally does not include small offences like this, he works on a grander scale which we will see a bit later. 4-2 god damn the sun another terminal entry from a mini-boss introduced in this level, the sisyphean insurrectionist.

another act of pushing against heaven's control is met with death, a contrast to minos's pacifist approach. gabriel has killed another king in hell, king sisyphus as well as a fleet of other angels to aid him in this war. the details of gabriel and the angels actions show the brutality in their force, the response that rebellion is met with. it seems that gabriel was made responsible for these two deaths which implies that prior to being judge of hell, he had some role that was somewhat related to it since he's the one higher angel that is sent down for these tasks. i also have a creeping feeling that gabriel has had a larger presence in hell as well given there are murals of him seen in.. 4-3 a shot in the dark and 4-4 clair de soleil

these murals are a bit of a curious thing to explain since we don't have an exact time frame of when they were created or who created them. the first instance of them is seen in 4-3 a shot in the dark where it is smeared with blood painted in the word "traitor". it implies that at some point in the past, gabriel was much more tolerant or even a friendlier figure that had turned on them, be it during the war or sometime prior.

the next instance would be in 4-4 clair de soleil in which the two other murals are hidden within the tomb of sisyphus's corpse. perhaps they were erected as a show of power by the angels given their placement here next to his body. or it could simply be a curious room for the sawblade update, however i don't believe that that is all it is. some time in hell's history, gabriel was a friend yet he soon became a traitor. 5-2 waves of the starless sea now here is where we see what exactly gabriel values and is often where people's opinions on gabriel change a bit as we see more of his nature outside of bloodshed and arrogant behavior. the ferrymen we find the ferryman's cabin, empty save for the filth that spawns in alongside the idol present on the second floor. the ferryman's diary is found on the desk.

here is an excerpt from the ferryman's diary, the full passage found here as it is too long to be fit into a single picture. the diary details a time in which one of the ferrymen was going to sink deep under the waves of the now ocean styx as mankinds ultimate death led to the river overflowing.

yet instead of falling victim to the waves, this particular ferryman is saved by gabriel, who comforts them as they are ushered to safety. "Be not afraid, sinner. Your devotion to God shows goodness in you; plentiful indeed. The heart is willing but the body must rest, lest you squander one of the Lord's creations."

gabriel tells the ferryman that he recognizes their faith and devotion to god, seeing that despite their forms as husks in hell they are good people. he cares about the ferrymen's efforts to gain passage into heaven and does not let them sink deep into the ocean where that goodness will be wasted. he does not want for them to work themselves to death, to allow the hopelessness of hell to consume them. he doesn't want that. gabriel became a symbol of hope and light to the ferrymen. a statue of him can be found within the level as well. he continues to be their light as evident by the ending words of the ferryman's diary. in addition to this is the ferryman's theme, he is the light in my darkness which is coupled with artwork of gabriel and the ferryman drawn by francisxie.

another bit of information that pertains to gabriel is a segment from the ferryman's terminal data, where it is stated that gabriel is the only one who cares about their efforts.

what gabriel values is seen very clearly : he seeks those who truly care about god and those who are working to improve themselves to be granted passage into heaven. more evidence supports this with the introduction of.. the idols idols are actually demons that were carved into a form that can be mistaken as divine by those who don't know any better. their terminal entry states that having been in close proximity to the ferryman's holy cloth has allowed for the holy power within it to seep into them, allowing the chain of compassion to continue.

an important bit of information introduced here is that the only angel of heaven's higher order that watches over hell is gabriel. if the council were to find out about the existence of idols and what the ferrymen have done to them, they would be ordered to be destroyed. it implies that gabriel can see that the idols are not actually peversions of the divine form but can see that they are actually tributes to him and the angels that the ferrymen are devoted to. there is a stark difference in the way gabriel behaves when ordered by the council and when acting on his own judgement and accord. he really cares about the intentions of those he gives the time of day to pay attention to when it is his choice. in the instances of most of gabriel's crimes, it is an order from the council that he acts on. 5-3 ship of fools there isn't quite a lot of lore pertaining to gabriel here other than showing just how important gabriel is to the ferrymen with a statue of him seen inside of the ship, a hologram of him warm words playing on loop and a portrait of him seen in one of the first rooms of this level.

he is clearly incredibly important to them with these tributes to him found across the ferry.

5-4 leviathan here we find an instance of gabriel striking down the heart of the leviathan as the souls attempt to escape its body.

this is an act he chooses to do or an act ordered by the council where i feel it is one where gabriel is doing what he believes his role as the judge of hell asks of him.

we don't know what would have resulted in the souls being let free but judging based on what we know of him now, i assume that this act was done as a means to prevent the souls from being let free and so that they serve their punishment accordingly.

6-1 cry for the weeper we are met again with gabriel speaking to us.

"Machine, I know you're here. I can smell the insolent stench of your bloodstained hands. I await you down below. . . COME TO ME"

it doesn't take me explaining for it to be apparent that gabriel is furious.

he fully expects for v1 to plunge down deeper and to cross paths with him once again. he is waiting and he is livid. 6-2 aesthetics of hate

i'm pulling out all the stops and you're about to see why. the final level in ACT II in which we finally fight gabriel once again, but before that, we are met with gabriel speaking to both himself and to you. "Limbo. Lust. All gone. . . With Gluttony soon to follow. Your kind know nothing but hunger. Purged all life on the upper layers. And yet they remain unsatiated. . . As do you. You've taken everything from me, machine. And now all that remains is PERFECT, HATRED." we learn of what has been happening to hell itself as both v1 and other machines devastate what of it remains. gabriel tells us that we have taken everything from him, that the only thing he has left is the boiling anger and hate that he holds for us. to watch everything he's worked for crumble at the loss against a machine has left him in such a tense, angry and anguished state.

the presentation for this fight is beautifully done, perfectly encompassing the atmosphere needed to capture the tidal wave of emotions that are about to break through. this is gabriel's only attempt at redeeming himself in the eyes of the council, to prove himself not a traitor and that he has always been faithful to the father's will. "Machine, I will cut you down. Break you apart. Splay the gore of your profane form across the stars. I will grind you down until the very sparks cry for mercy. My hands shall RELISH ending you. HERE. AND. NOW." and so the dam breaks. gabriel has said what he swears to do to you, the venom in his words clear as day. an immediate difference in this fight is the use of his twin swords splendor is justice and justice is splendor as well as an immediate enraged state.

something of note is the use of those swords as it's stated here that pride stopped him from using them in the previous fight but things have become more personal. this is not the only time he has unsheathed his swords as he has used them in the war against sisyphus. an excerpt from sisyphus prime's terminal entry states : "He unsheathed his swords for the first time since time immemorial and beheaded Sisyphus, displaying his head for all to see." keep that in mind for later, it's important.

his movements are quicker and he hits much harder, the track the death of god's will playing as the fight continues.

in the first phase where he's enraged, his anger is palpable in his taunts : • you need. more. power! • is this what i lost to? • you're getting rusty machine! • i'll show you divine justice!

just to name a few. he's egging you on, to fight him. perhaps, in a way he doesn't want you to go easy on him, to purposefully let him win as it would be more than insulting. the arena is like that of the rest of heresy, dark murky and bathed in a red fog with water (or blood) filling the main part of it. that changes upon his phase change along with his behavior as well. "IS THAT THE BEST YOU'VE GOT!?"

this is something that is sometimes passed over since people are mostly focused on either dealing damage to gabriel, focused on where he is or staying away from him as they're unsure what to do. the lights of the arena are influenced by his phase change and his emotions. no longer is it bathed in red but in the beautiful blue and gold that represent his ecstasy and joy of struggle. his own brilliant light illuminating the arena. it could be said that gabriel's rage is the reason why heresy is a crimson red however i don't believe that's the case. i believe that gabriel's own light in this moment is so bright, so radiant that it's enough to light up the fight and overpower the dense crimson fog of heresy. his wings also change to match the gold and blue, as shown here to be labeled as ecstasy. in phase 2, gabriel is having fun, he's enjoying the struggle of a fight in which victory does not come to him so easily and it can be heard in the taunts that he switches to in this fight : • show me what you were made for! • come on machine, fight me like an animal! • come get some blood! • i'll show you true splendor! again, just to name a few. alongside some of these taunts, gabriel laughs. curiously, there is an unused taunt in which gabriel states "So this is what you see in bloodshed." you'll notice i boldened "i'll show you divine justice!" and "i'll show you true splendor!" call it a stretch but i feel like the specification on justice and splendor with each one being used for the phase 1 and phase 2 respectively is like the duality of his emotions and who he is, much like his twin swords. at first he seeks justice for himself and what he has lost to v1 but further in the fight, he relishes in the struggle of meeting someone that is equal to him if not better. the behavioral differences in his fighting are like that of his fight in 3-2 in the flesh in which he will mix up his attacks with a teleport in between. i interpret gabriel becoming more difficult in phase 2 is due to him truly enjoying himself, with a more clear mind that isn't filled to the brim with anger that has boiled over. he's having fun, he's struggling and he loves it. finally, we come to the end of the fight in which gabriel exclaims to himself ..

"Twice? Beaten by an object.. twice! I've only known the taste of victory, but this taste... Is- Is this my blood? Haha- I've never known such... such... relief? I-I need some time to think.. . We will meet again, machine." it's an interesting bit of dialogue, subverting most people's expectations. instead of gabriel descending into further madness, a spiral of emotions consuming him, this defeat gives him pause.

he's relieved at the sight of his own blood. why is that? there's a multitude of answers to this but i believe the reason why he's relieved at the sight of his own blood is that it's like a weight off of his shoulders, his conscious. angels bleed. the righteous hand of the father bleeds. his status as a supreme angel does not prevent him from being put in harms way and his blood is just about the same as any other being. whatever he is does not make him special. he bleeds just like anyone else and no status could ever protect him from that, only himself. his words here are also curious. while his previous defeat speech is filled with anger and confusion vowing that this battle is not over, in this speech gabriel states that they will meet again. it's less of a threat, a vow for revenge and more like coming back to v1 to speak with them further despite how one-sided this conversation may be. there's also a very apparent difference in the way that gabriel says "May your woes be many and your days few." the first one is threatening much like his defeat speech but this one? it's lighter, lower, less angry. he even chuckles slightly as he says it, possibly finding that the phrase is ridiculous to say when looking at the position that he's in. afterall, he doesn't even have a day left and perhaps even less than that should v1 finish him off before the holy light vanishes. just like that, he vanishes in a pillar of light.

his terminal data that comes with this encounter explains all of this clearly, he found something he wanted to do for himself. free will for an angel. ACT II. - INTERMISSION.

we're almost at the end. the ending cutscene opens to gabriel having teleported away to what we can assume is the first layer of heaven, the moon, as he gazes into a fire alone with his thoughts and revelations. the text that fills the screen describing gabriel's thoughts are filled with confusion, introspection and guilt. he realizes that his actions were not something that was always just, always right, finding that he not only embodied a holy figure to follow but also the cruelty that his actions left in his wake. his two defeats has turned his world view upside down, leaving him to try and piece together everything he believed he knew only to find that it never made sense to begin with.

gabriel realizes that the council he answers to masquerades god's name, intentionally or not, having their supposed fellow angels in a vice grip of fear. the angels still do what they believe is what god wants of them but they have not accepted that he has long since gone. believing is not enough, and he knows this now. this is a choice he makes with his own new found free will and he chose to do something drastic.

slaughtering the council, the group of angels that have brought a facade of stability to heaven. "The last councilor, now backed up to a wall, scrambles for words between panicked breaths as death approaches with measured steps." gabriel is calm, confident in his decision with contrasts with the behavior of the councilor that writhes in fear of his fate. he knows what he is doing as its a decision he made his own.

he speaks clearly, shutting down the argument that the last councilor has to offer. ". ..Our status forbids it! . .. We are the supreme authority, our law commands you!" interesting is it? that the council pleads with their status, their only "protection" of their life when gabriel's place as the will of god did not protect him at all, only his supposed prior betrayal representing who he was. and so he tells it to them, that their words hold no power over him. he has realized that the council dances around the father's name as a means to keep power and control over the other angels, their only defense in the face of danger is their fragile words. and so gabriel states that he will show his fellow angels that there is nothing to be afraid of for the council's reign will no longer hang over them. he says it flatly, that god is dead. the last thing that this councilor has to say to plead for his life is that he is the only way for gabriel to reconnect with the holy light, ultimately preventing him from dying. and all gabriel has to say, is that "i know." it's an interesting choice he's made since he ultimately could have forced the councilor to reconnect him, saving his life and then kill him. he could have taken that chance to rebuild heaven into a more peaceful place for the angels, afterall he is loved more than the council and it seems other angels would find more joy and peace in him as their leader. but he doesn't do that. he accepts his fate. he made that choice. the weight of his sins, his atrocities committed in the name of god and the guilt that comes with it. do you think he could have lived to bare those anymore, knowing that he was the cause for so much suffering? there was no going back from that, he had already done so much harm.

what could he have done to fix that? minos is dead and even if his prime soul lives on, there is nothing left as his failure to stop v1 has led to the disappearances of the upper layers of hell.

sisyphus is dead and just like minos, even if his prime soul lives on, the damage has been done. the sisyphean insurrectionists left with only the essential body parts to carry out their punishment, they will never know the peace that they had worked so hard for. what would gabriel remaining alive do to benefit anyone? to him, perhaps nothing. he failed to see through the wool pulled over his eyes and because of it, so much was lost. there is one thing left that he can do.

and that is to show the angels of heaven that there is nothing to be afraid of. you'll probably notice that his wings are like that of his phase 2 in 6-2 aesthetics of hate. i believe this is gabriel relishing in knowing that the people of heaven will see his last message, the wordless proclamation of their freedom. and even if death approaches him, he has done something that he has wanted for himself and for the rest of heaven. SO WHAT DOES ALL OF THIS MEAN? gabriel is a character whom we see the various sides to, the various faces that he shows to people in this story. you pick up the pieces to who he is, having experienced who he is face to face twice now and seeing him unravel. this story is about him and you, v1, the catalyst. he's someone often watered down an angel too in over his head that has the sense knocked into him, which isn't too far off when there is absolutely so much more to him. he's a kind, patient angel who is capable of committing atrocities and has done so under the belief that his actions benefit something, somebody he values or follows. gabriel believes in righting his wrongs, bringing justice in which things are even, balance, proper and when he finds that he was part of the problem, he willingly gives his life as it is trickling away to fix it. of course, he is still an angel, a prideful one that isn't innocent. he's guilty of so much but he ultimately seeks to make things better for those he believes are worthy of happiness, peace. he himself has numbed to the joys of struggle as reward comes easy to him, realizing that being met with a force that matches his own is exhilirating. that the ability to choose his own fate, make his own decisions instead of blindly following the council just as any other angel has made much more of a positive change than anything he's ever done. he's going to fade soon and he knows it. in other words, i think gabriel is pretty cool guys. EXTRA okay now here comes my little crazy shpeal when it comes to gabriel's motif of beheading. in the war against sisyphus, gabriel beheaded him as a means to break the morale of his army and in the end of ACT II he beheads the council member and presents the head to the crowd of angels to dissuade fear. alongside that is imagery of gabriel himself being beheaded which are found in 5-3 ship of fools.

both of these can be found when the ferry is flipped upside down and filled with water. it's just something interesting i noticed :] next, there's this little thought i had in which gabriel has become more "human" as the story progresses. in the testaments presented at the end of each secret level, we find that what we can assume is god refers to humans as a failure, their free will consuming them and causing things to grow closer to entropy. now what exactly does that mean for gabriel? well : his time is limited. he is mortal. he will die. he has gained his own free will, even in his dying moments, he chose to make a difference. even as the councilor scrambles for words, stating that their law commands him, it mirrors the first testament presented to us in the game in which it states : "mankind is a failure. free will is a flaw. let the evil of their lips consume them. then i shall begin again with my word as law." with each push, each struggle, gabriel grows more human than angel. now, finally. there is his motif of radiance and light and somebody else has written it more perfectly than i ever could and you can find it right here! please give it a read, it is what inspired me to go on this little analysis of gabriel.

anyway, that's all. just a little something. feel free to add your thoughts, i would love to read them and do correct me if there's something wrong.

#ultrakill #ultrakill spoilers #gabriel ultrakill #v1 ultrakill #minos prime #king minos #ultrakill analysis #ferryman ultrakill #character analysis #character deconstruction #spoilers #new blood #gabriel #v1 #please enjoy.

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ghostdice · 4 months ago

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CHREON WEEK 2024 - Day 2: Post-Vendetta (+ Friends to Lovers)

SYNOPSIS: Leon's psychologist officially diagnosed him with loneliness, and miraculously, it’s curable. (A Redfield remedy of the Chris variety. Currently not FDA-approved!)

✧ fluffy, fun, with some light suggestive flirting & emotions sprinkled in! lots of parentheses, a handful of claire mentions, and- hey. is that a field mouse? ✧ 3.4k words!

A/N: hi. i've never written a full-length fic before, and to be 100% honest with you, this was written out of sheer indulgence, mostly between 12-6am. sorry if anything seems ooc/inconsistent, i promise i tried!! hope you enjoy <3

now on ao3!

✧˖*࿐

Leon tapped his foot against the carpeted floor, knee bouncing up and down- restless regardless of having nowhere else to be. He felt a little like an animal in a cage, despite the fact that he chose to be here. Sitting on the (admittedly comfortable) chair of his therapist’s office wasn’t how he’d ideally spend his rare free time, but after everything had blown over with Arias and the A-virus, he’d decided he needed to do something good for himself.

Over the past few months it had become something like a routine; Leon met her weekly, more or less (emphasis on less). He tried not to freeze up when she asked questions, and she brought out the space heater when he needed a defrosting.

“Listen, Leon,” she sighed, adjusting her glasses. The mannerism paired with her tone almost reminded him of Hunnigan. Almost.

“From what I have to go on- which is not a lot, by the way, but we’ll get there- it sounds like you’re on your own. Often.”

For a split-second her eyebrows knit together, lip twitching. Too often.

“I think,” she said slowly, glossy lips turning up into an encouraging smile, “you should try to socialize more. Connect with someone, whoever would be most comfortable for you. It would be a good reminder that you’re not alone- and you don’t have to be.”

Leon may not have been a doctor, but he was pretty sure it didn’t take a psychology degree to diagnose a guy like him with loneliness. Nonetheless, he swallowed his pride, scrolling through his phone contacts to the one person he could imagine humoring him. After a handful of scheduling hiccups and a good word in from Dr. Chambers- he managed to squeeze some time in with Chris, who had agreed with surprising ease.

(When Leon had mentioned it was his therapist’s suggestion, Chris hummed a note of thought, the low rumble just barely caught by his phone’s mic. “Sounds like she knows what she’s doing then,” he responded, chuckling lightly. A pause. “I’m glad you called me.” He mentioned something about working out their schedules and a quick goodbye before hanging up. Leon pulled his phone away from where it had been tucked against his ear, thumb tapping his calendar app. He’d never heard Chris’ voice so soft.)

The day arrived sooner than Leon had realized, and the moment he registered it, he considered cancelling. Between the constant waves of withdrawal as he tried to drink less and the sleepless nights that grew longer without the amber aid, he honestly felt like shit. Not to mention that his next mission debrief, if the target continued flying just below the radar, was supposed to be the day after his rendezvous with Chris. Doing nothing all day sounded much more promising.

He started typing and re-typing a few painfully pathetic excuses before giving up altogether, abandoning his phone somewhere in his sheets. Chris had specifically made time for this; he was coming all the way to Leon’s place for this. He would feel a little guilty, trying to cancel after everything he’d put him (and Rebecca) through at the BSAA.

6PM snuck up on him- as did a car, pulling into his driveway. Upon stepping out the front door, Leon was surprised. Not a car. A truck. Leon sidled up to the driver’s side, hands on his hips as he stared at Chris through the window. On cue, the pane of glass began to roll down.

“Didn’t realize you were All-American.”

Chris shook his head, grinning down at him.

“Gonna get in or what?”

The first thing that Leon noticed as he clambered into the passenger seat was how everything smelled like Chris- woody, musky, slightly spicy, with lingering cigarette smoke. The second was the button-up Chris wore over his plain t-shirt, patterned with blooming flowers and what appeared to be mice hidden in some of the petals. The third was that Chris was watching him expectantly, brown eyes warm with an emotion he couldn’t quite pinpoint. Intrigue? Amusement, maybe.

“What, do I need to tell you to buckle up?”

Leon blinked back at him for a moment, still processing, before rolling his eyes. Unable to stop the smugness setting into his expression as he opened his mouth to respond.

“If I don’t, are you going to do it for me?”

“Do it for you? Yeah, sure. How old are you again?”

“Memory’s already goin’, huh. That’s too bad. You might want to try sudoku or something, get that brain working again.”

Chris huffed; it was his turn to roll his eyes. He leaned across the center console, reaching for the passenger’s seat belt. A fresh wave of cologne passed over Leon; his eyebrows furrowed, gaze flicking between Chris’ hands, one pulling the belt across him and the other waiting to guide the latch into the buckle. There was a hint of sweetness he hadn’t noticed before. (Or maybe, he thought, it was a different cologne. It was similar to the scent the car still carried, sure, but there was a distinct note of something else. Whatever it was, it smelled nice. Suited him.)

Then there was the telltale click. “Shouldn’t you be thanking me?” Chris teased as he switched the truck into reverse. Just as Leon thought he’d pull away, back into his own seat, Chris’s arm hooked around, palm spread over the back of the passenger seat. As he tilted his head to peer out the back window, his eye caught Leon’s before breaking away again. The vehicle rolled back down the pavement smoothly.

It was a different cologne.

Leon scoffed, trying to regain his footing in the conversation. “…For buckling my seat belt? Oh, no, you’re right. I’m in your debt. Don’t worry, I’ll find a way to thank you later.”

Chris just shook his head again, unable to hide the smile on his face as he cranked up the volume of the car stereo.

They grabbed dinner together, and Leon learned a surprising amount about Chris. Way back when he had just joined STARS, he had gotten a used pick-up truck. It was mostly for when he’d visit Claire and she inevitably dragged him along to look for “spare parts” (”junk,” as Chris preferred to call it- though the fondness in his expression was hard to miss) to scrap while working on her motorcycle. The fact that he still drove one was mostly out of nostalgia, if not familiarity.

“Well, I know who I’m calling if my bike breaks down,” Leon joked.

Chris chuckled at that, wrinkling his nose a little. “I’m warning you now, she won’t fix it for free.”

“No, not Claire. You.”

A pause.

“Ohh, right. Because of my-”

“You know, since you have the-”

“-truck.”

A bout of silence washed over the two. They both busied themselves with their food until Leon reached over, taking one of Chris’ french fries.

“So,” he started, popping the fry into his mouth. “What’s with the shirt?”

“What,” Chris cast a glance down at his button-up, “you don’t like it?”

Leon hummed, tilting his head from one side to the other. Non-committal. It was a nice look, admittedly. He just hadn’t expected it after years of seeing him in tactical gear, dirtied by blood and grime and god-knows-what. Chris took a sip of his drink before setting the glass back down, and Leon swore he saw the faintest pout before his lips quirked back up.

“Guess."

Leon chewed, considering his options. Chris might have just enjoyed dressing like a more fashionable version of an Old Navy mannequin. Or maybe he liked flowers, or mice- or both? Leon reached for another fry, sifting for one that appeared more enticing than the rest. There was an obvious answer.

“Claire.”

Chris swiped a fry through some ketchup, grinning.

“Bingo.”

It was a birthday gift, to be exact. The field mice were meant to reference an inside joke between Chris and Claire; something that, upon remembering, made him burst with laughter. Leon had never seen Chris laugh like that- never really seen him laugh much at all. The sound was brighter than anything he’d heard before. He couldn’t help but smile back. (Maybe Redfield joy was just contagious. He’d seen it in Claire once or twice too.)

“Oh, come on. You have to tell me-”

Even as Chris tried to protest, he bubbled with laughter again, and Leon had to stave off a laugh of his own. (When was the last time he had to keep himself from genuinely giggling like this? He waved the thought away, enraptured by the flash of Chris’ teeth, the smile lines of his face. The gloom and doom could wait.)

“No- no, Claire will kill me.”

“Who would I tell? C’mon, Chris. It’s not like I’m gonna tell Claire if you say anything. You know I wouldn’t do that.”

Chris was looking anywhere but at Leon, whose playful desperation paired with his pretty blue puppy eyes proved to be a worthy opponent for his sworn oath, as an older brother, to keep it Redfield-exclusive (and to protect Claire’s pride).

“It can be our little secret.”

Chris risked a glimpse at Leon- a rookie mistake. His resolve wavered. He took a deep breath, to no avail. “Alright. Fine.” Chris leaned across the table, voice low, fighting off giggling fits as he tried to explain.

Leon learned two things from the mouse bit. One, apparently Redfields could find humor in anything. Or Chris was just bad at explaining whatever the hell he was trying to tell him. (In Chris’ defense, the joke originated when he and Claire were kids. Sometimes jokes become more about something you share with a person than the actual substance of the experience itself.) Two, Chris could be remarkably cute. Sure, Leon had always found him attractive, but there was something so endearing about this side of him.

…Huh.

One of Chris’ hands went up to fiddle with the collar of his patterned shirt. “It’s fun and all, but I’m more of a leather guy.” Leon nearly spat his water out, instead swiftly swallowing the mouthful he’d been trying to drink.

“Jackets, Leon. Leather jackets. You saw Claire’s, right? ‘Made in Heaven,’ across the back. I had one just like it.”

Leon nodded. Of course. Yeah, jackets. Now that he mentioned it, he did somewhat recall stumbling upon a leather jacket by Chris’ desk while rustling through the STARS office. (He’d found a first aid spray tucked in a bag by what he could have only assumed used to be Rebecca’s desk. Funny how she’d helped him then without even knowing.) That made sense. Chris would look good in a leather jacket.

“Although, I do have some gear. Haven’t broken it out in forever.”

He choked that time. Chris laughed again, breathless, delighted by his reaction. If Leon had been looking up, he’d have seen the way Chris’ brown eyes glittered.

As the server passed them the check, Chris swiftly took the bill. “My treat,” he said simply.

The drive back was livelier than the first time around. Chris sang more as they listened to one of the old CD’s he had burned over the years. Leon hadn’t realized how much Chris enjoyed music- hadn’t realized a lot about him until it was laid out just within his reach today. He listened, humming along here and there, glad that he was too busy watching the road to notice the way Leon tilted his head just enough to watch him.

“I used to play guitar,” Chris mentioned. “Back in Raccoon. Before everything.” Leon looked at him sideways, feeling his own fingertips. Imagining Chris in the late 90’s: rowdy, boy-ish, trying to figure out the frets for a chord with his pick between his lips. If they’d met then, he’d have been doomed. Chris was everything he couldn’t have had then- not that it would have stopped him from chasing him like a stray anyways.

He parked in his driveway again- where they started, barely a few hours ago.

“I’m really proud of you, Leon.”

Chris’ voice was soft. He was looking somewhere far away, past the driver’s side window. There it was again- that feeling that had been trailing them all evening.

“When Rebecca and I “interrupted your vacation,” you… I-” he hesitated, head bowing a little.

“I won’t lie, it scared the hell out of me.” Leon watched his jaw clench, scarred fingers flexing around the steering wheel. “I saw the worst of myself in you. It hurt me to see you like that, especially because I know you’re better than that.” His voice trembled a little on that last phrase. Better than I am.

Chris’ shoulders tensed, gaze finally flickering back to meet Leon’s. His lips were pressed tight, holding back all the words he’d been trying to string together before they tumbled out as clumsily as the last. He sighed heavily; he liked to think he was usually a little more put together than this. Leon, on the other hand, was quieter than Chris had expected him to be. He gave the slightest of nods- go on.

“What I’m trying to say is: I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I’m sorry, Leon.”

Chris let go of the wheel, laying his hands in his lap.

“I’m so glad you’re taking the steps to get the help you need right now. I just wish I could’ve helped you sooner.”

Slowly, Leon reached out a hand, gently clasping Chris’ shoulder. The ghost of a flinch flashed across his face, and Leon’s hand hovered, tentatively finding a different place. Watching carefully, he lowered the hand experimentally, rubbing a soothing circle into the spot when it seemed safe. Chris closed his eyes, humming with appreciation.

(Leon made a mental note of it. He wanted to learn these things too- so that when Chris needed a comforting touch, he knew precisely how to give it to him. He’d map the constellations of scars, and with time he’d be able to navigate him as if second nature. Chris would come around again, call Leon when he needed him. Just like he had called Chris.)

“You’re helping me now. That means something, doesn’t it?”

Chris chuckled wearily. “I guess. But-”

Leon frowned at that, opting to interrupt him before he spiraled further. “Nuh-uh. No but’s. It’s about time you give yourself some damn credit, Chris.”

He was quick to unbuckle his seat belt, shoving the center console so that it folded backwards, granting him space in the middle seat. Without missing a beat, Chris leaned back, allowing Leon to crowd him into the corner of the car, between the driver’s seat and the window.

“Okay, Leon, I get it-”

“No, I don’t think you do. Not until you acknowledge it.”

“Acknowledge what?”

“That you’re helping me.”

“But-”

Leon shot him a pointed glare: no more excuses. “Chris.”

“Okay, fine. I’m helping you.”

“Doing a great job at it too. We had a nice dinner, and then you had to go and get sappy on me.”

Chris raised an eyebrow, incredulous. “Weren’t you trying to comfort me?”

Leon just shrugged, feigning something like nonchalance. “I was, but then I remembered that you ruined our date.”

“I didn’t ruin our-”

The word registered late for both of them. Leon was first to flush pink, silently hoping that it was subdued by the sunset. Awash with its dreamy hues, the brown of Chris’ eyes were honey-like, and for a moment he thought he caught his pupils grow just a tiny bit wider. He settled in the middle seat dumbly, ears alight.

“I mean. You ruined our night.” A pause. “That my therapist specifically prescribed.” A wince. A well-timed call from Hunnigan would’ve been nice. A sudden BOW attack didn’t sound too shabby either- something, anything that could get Leon out of the grave he had dug himself into.

But then Chris’ hand grasped Leon’s chin, turning his face so they were looking at one another.

“Sorry, Leon. I didn’t mean to ruin our night. Think your therapist will forgive me?”

“That, uh. Depends.”

“On…?”

“Whether or not this was a date.”

(“You kinda gave me the whole boyfriend experience tonight: you got all dressed up for me, paid for my meal, turned on the waterworks.” Leon paused, catching the double entendre. His cheeks puffed slightly as he exhaled, a gleam in his eye. “Okay. Maybe not the full boyfriend experience, but the night’s still young. Hell of a lot younger than us.” Chris laughed at that, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “We’re not actually that old, you know.”)

Chris couldn’t stop himself from smiling. His thumb caressed along the apple of Leon’s cheek. “Hmm. Well, I guess that’ll depend.”

Leon rolled his eyes, affection softening the action. “On?”

“Whether or not your therapist prescribes all your dates. ‘Cause if she does, I’ve got a few ideas I’d need to run by her.”

Before Leon could even formulate a response, his phone buzzed. Annoyed to be interrupted, he pulled it out of his pocket, sparing a glance at the notification. He regretted checking it instantly. New info on the target gave HQ just enough of a lead to move his mission debrief- they needed him in the office ASAP. He groaned, frustrated. Chris’ hand trailed upward, running his fingers through his hair. It soothed him surprisingly easily, placating him just enough to not totally sour his mood.

“I gotta go,” Leon sighed. Chris nodded- he knew the demand (the sacrifice) of their line of work better than anyone else. Leon pulled away, out of the warmth of Chris’ palm. The short walk up to his doorstep had never felt longer- not even when he’d limped home after he’d screwed his knee way back in Spain. As he slotted the key into the door lock, big hands found his waist, twirling him around.

Chris leaned in, pressing a kiss to Leon’s cheek- surprisingly gentleman-like. Chaste. Shy, even. His heart almost ached at the feeling: a taste of domesticity, of normalcy. Of the life neither of them could truly have. But if they could find it in moments like this- the smallest ember of hope glowed in Leon’s chest, and seeing how Chris smiled at him, he knew that he must have felt it too.

✧˖

Later, after the meeting was over, Leon checked his phone, and to his surprise, he had a few texts waiting for him- from Chris.

‘It wasn’t originally a date, by the way. I did have high hopes, but I wasn’t going to let that get in the way of being here for you. You’re my friend first, Leon.

But if you still want to go on that date with me, I’ll make it up to you- for ruining our night.

I was being serious; I have a few ideas already.

Had them for a while.

Next time, let’s leave your therapist out of it, though, okay? Kinda kills the mood, don’t you think?

And don’t think I forgot about you being “indebted” to me. Yeah, I’m talking about the seat belt thing again- y’know, for an ex-cop, you sure as hell could learn a thing or two about car safety. I could teach you, if you want; I was STARS, after all.

Hey, speaking of ideas, I’ve got a few for how you can thank me- after our first non-therapy date. Although, I’m starting to think this helped me a whole lot more than it helped you. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to give you a real helping hand next time.

See you again soon.’

Leon chuckled to himself. Whenever he got back, he would have to buy his therapist flowers or something- and a bouquet for Chris, too. (Who knows. Maybe he’d toss a plush mouse in there, make it special. Anything to see that signature Chris smile.)

#chreonweek2024 #chreon week 2024 #chris redfield #leon kennedy #chreon #chris x leon #leon s kennedy #leon scott kennedy #resident evil #thanks 4 reading!! i know this one's a little long and sometimes doesn't seem to go anywhere but! i hope it was. something!#i obviously follow my train of thought a little too much BUT IT'S OKAY!!#im gonna press the funny post button before i lose the courage #typewriter.txt #fic.exe

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