#it feels like all i do lately is vent

[wis-art]

I argued with some random asshole on the internet a while ago and I noticed I made them feel really bad with my anger, I decided to at least get them some groceries as a apology gift because I know they struggling too, few days ago I went over to talk about the situation while calm and to properly apologize, made sure to let the person know that they don't gotta talk to me that it's ok if they don't want anything to do with me, they agreed and added me to a group chat with their girlfriend and then proceeded to berate me for the next 4 hours straight taking turns to call me names 😭 and I'll tell you what. To be called creepy and obsessed for sending the money and get berated for that too??? Like I know $50 isn't like a huge amount nowadays but it was half of all the money in my bank account at the time. And it was a tough decision to make because I am already struggling to pay rent and because I'm too disabled to work. I snapped out of it immediately, like wow no wonder I got mad at them in the first place.

The moral of the story is, don't try to fix things with the worst people you have ever met, your gut feeling was right, there's a reason why you got angry. It will only harm you and make you harm them, too, when you eventually get emotional and pissed off over how they treated you and then use it against you. Whatever you do won't be enough and taken as the worst possible thing to do. Simply fuck off. That's the best outcome for everyone that will hurt the least amount of people.

[angelpuns]

Deep deep fear that one day all my friends are gonna decide they just don't wanna talk to me anymore for whatever reason and unfortunately, I won't get the memo and will keep trying and that'll just make them hate me more :(

[manasurge]

Just a bit of lore relevant vent art (with terrible proportions bc apparently I mess that up horribly when I'm tired ugh. Watch me regret posting this tomorrow. The head size is already driving me mad bc it's too big, and I can feel myself wanting to abort this mission already) of Mourynn just, lying down on top of one of those large elevated Pale Tree roots far above the Grove (and far away from everyone else), and during the time between the early years and before the Personal story. Caithe is gone (Destiny's Edge), Wynne is gone (bc well, y'know...), even Faolain is gone (bc of Caithe in DE), and she's just feeling miserable, lost, and alone. (Her hair is in between her sapling hair and the Zhaitan hair, so it's grown out a bit bc she's depressed, and she's meant to be in the new outfit she designed, but I'm in the process of redesigning it a bit, so I've made a few tentative changes for now. Her collar is now just an extension of her clavicle leaves which can be put up like a collar, or can be draped down over her shoulders or back)

[professionalchaoticdumbass]

in the past week or so ive seen a lot of people posting about how there's this oversexualization of trans girls on the site, and I gotta agree, there are way too many people (including other trans women!) who act like we're all dtf 24/7 or always super kinky and horny. I've been tired of that stereotype for ages and i am saying this as a rather sexual trans girl myself...

...but I think people are overcorrecting a bit now, and are starting to veer into "trans women shouldnt be talked about sexually / need to be shielded from it" territory. and, to me, that's really dangerous, because outside of some queer spaces - and even within them- the sexuality of trans girls is heavily scrutinized, as is attraction to us. as much as I dislike certain aspects of the memes and jokes that kickstarted the stereotypes, I'm kinda grateful for them as well. girldick jokes helped with my bottom dysphoria, voice kink shit helped me like my voice, and the whole "tgirl tummy tuesday" thing gave me a lot of confidence in my body where I hated it before. I think this open appreciation of trans sexiness has done a lot for both me and others on tumblr.

again, obviously its got its problems - people end up assuming every trans girl is horny, or only spread positivity if its related to sex with us, and of course the people who do have dysphoria from the things that are being sexualized are left out (like those the "girls without dicks are like angels without wings" memes, ugh, feels icky every time). and on the note of comparing tgirls to angels, we also started getting treated like we're ethereal fertility goddesses and that t4t sex was some inherently sacred ritual. spoiler alert, trans girls are normal-ass people and t4t sex can be holy for the participants but its generally a pretty normal thing to do as well

coming back to the "don't sexualize trans girls" posts now, I think they were initially going in the right direction, but at this point I'm starting to raise an eyebrow at more than a few of them. I'm not gonna whip out the "youre a sex hating puritan if you post about it" accusation because that is obviously wrong but again, I think people are definitely overcorrecting and starting to turn this into a (false) dichotomy when it's not. its a complex topic and each individual trans woman will feel differently about it.

(I feel like the internet just erases any nuance in favor of a two-sided, highly polarized flamewar with unrealistic views on both sides. actually i wouldn't even say this is a super-nuanced discussion because its really not that hard to say "fetishization is bad, but so is suppression of sexuality". will this post just end up being a void scream and people will continue drawing lines between one side and the other? probably. but I am a stubborn bitch and I have hope that we can be reasonable.)

anyways I'll close this off by saying that I wrote this between around 1:30 and 2 AM on terrible sleep the night before, that I hope what I said is coherent enough, and that I will keep being a trans girl who is openly sexual, gets horny over other trans women, and is proud to be transsexy as fuck. I will keep being critical of jokes and trends and memes that stereotype us, even from our own community. I will keep being angry at how poorly us trans folks are treated with regards to our sex lives, bodies, and relationships between the two. I will keep loving and lusting over trans women without fetishizing them. And I will keep doing all of these til the day I die.

[rosekasa]

there is something so. intensely frustrating about feeling incapable of showing up for people the way that they want you to

[teawizard]

Fangirling over a fictional man is so hard. Wish he would appreciate it

(initial sketches under the cut)

[stellewriites]

really fucking grinds my gears how my dad knows just how to make me feel fucking guilty for putting up boundaries and saying no

[hella1975]

hiiii haha. hello. exceptionally awkward introduction bc idrk how to start something like this so let's just jump right in. im taking a break from this account for a bit. i know i said i wanted taob out before halloween and currently im fine sticking with that deadline, but if i decide i need longer away then i will take longer away. every time ive reassured people that id never abandon a fic and updates will always come eventually i never once considered that my writing and ability to feel safe and comfortable on this site would be actively taken from me, so im not even going to apologise. i dont want this either and more importantly i dont fucking deserve it. i dont know what it is in the past year, if ive hit a certain amount of followers or 'popularity' that's made it so the natural ratio of positive to negative interactions must in turn go up, but there's been a serious uptick in weird asks for me. the annoying part is that a very small amount of them are actually objectively mean and hateful, the rest are just weird and invasive from people who seemingly dont realise that's what they're being. ive reached a point where i dont care if the intentions are good. it's not my job as a 20 year old tumblr user of all things to defend the morality of someone who couldnt even bother to come off anon. unfortunately, after blocking only one or two anons, the weird asks have decreased substantially, which says all you need to know about the fascinating and exhilarating lives led by these people, but ive also gone on to turn anon asks off entirely. this is something i actively fought against doing and had to be pushed into by my mutuals (who have been the coolest people on planet earth during this entire thing). turning off anon was a big deal to me even if it sounds silly. i felt betrayed and like id been backed into a corner because it was so vehmently something i DIDNT WANT that to feel like i had to do it anyway for my own mental health??? that sucks. so even though ive 'fixed' the problem, im still kind of reeling and uncomfortable every time i come on tumblr. i hope it's just something i need time to ease because i'll truly be devastated if this becomes 'ruined' for me. tumblr exists as the only place in the world where i am honestly every facet of myself without shame or hesitation; losing that would be insanely harmful to me. and to the people who cant appeal to the actual human behind the post, let me put that in words you can understand: we wouldn't get any more writing 😦😦😦 riots and fires and sirens, i know. so yeah. to anyone who has sent me an anon ask and you're now wondering if you were part of the problem, im firmly of the belief that you'll know if you are. when i say 'weird asks' i dont mean 'you sent me a para about your personal life just to vent or ask for advice' or 'you sent me a really deep emotional compliment about the impact me and/or my writing has had on you' - i love asks like that, so much that i put off taking a break and turning off anon solely for the joy they bring me. im sorry that it might feel like you're being punished too bc of the actions of what in reality is a HANDFUL of weird people, but this is what i feel like i have to do to feel safe and not go insane every time i log in. love you guys, hopefully ill see you soon x

[fyodior]

.

[kaiserkisser]

can someone nice (!!) please please please adopt me im begging you im requesting you (huge word vomit and vent in tags, pls dont read if u dont want to!! and if you don't want this stuff on this blog PLS lmk!! i dont wanna make anyone uncomfy! )

[capricioussun]

I was really thinking about if I would ever be comfortable merging my art accounts and I don't think I will. At least not unless I did a full rebrand which I'd really rather not since I'm very happy with how things are situated now.

But I think it boils down to acceptance seeking. I've been socially isolated for a very long time and it's difficult. Even back when I first started drawing au stuff years ago, I contemplated making a separate blog for it because I knew how many ut fans didn't really like the aus. I didn't want to alienate any of the "audience" I'd already built but I also knew there would be a turning point I would just wind up barely posting on one account or the other and it would feel like trying to limp half the time on one leg and then limp the rest on the other, which would be pointless.

But with mirrorshipping (selfcest) being a much more universally contentious topic, I got worried it would only deter people even more. I certainly didn't want to lie about it, especially bc I don't associate it with prshipping the way some others do, so it's not really that im "ashamed" of it, or want to hide it, just that I know it's the kind of thing that's very likely to make some who just walked in turn right back around.

To some degree, as someone who hopes to one day make a career out of being an independent artist, it makes sense to prioritize "growth" over personal satisfaction, but on the other, I've always struggled to care about that sort of thing. Any time I've cared about "alienating" a potential "audience", it's always been more about personal acceptance. I don't want people to see one little aspect of myself or interests and judge me entirely based off of that, even though that's all anyone really can do on the internet. I don't take blocking personally, despite how the prior sentiment seems to contradict that, I get it, I block all the time too, for a variety of reasons. But if there's a chance there're others who don't really mind that I mirrorship, they just don't want to see it or have to block the tag, I don't want them to feel turned away or annoyed, and so I kept it all to a separate account.

There are a few other reasons I won't really get into, too, like how people often do associate it with prship, and how I don't really want to draw that type of a crowd to my main blog, either, but I know in my heart it's the acceptance/approval seeking that was the biggest motivator.

I really honestly wish I knew how to connect with others beyond just trying to "do things right" and hoping that earns me positive attention. I really wish I didn't always feel like my only chance at affection is to improve what I can offer in return.

[devildom-moss]

I'm alive (light-heartedly). Thank y'all for being so patient with me. I have been having some trouble writing requests for a bit, and I've been a little worn out.

I'm going to just focus on the poll fic for this weekend and try to get other stuff done next month. It's been hard for me to actually get started, but I'm enjoying the process with this one, so hopefully you all will like the NSFW Beel x Diavolo x MC content I'll have for you, some time on the 31st (I hope).

[bare1ythere]

GOD University makes me so depressed

[bsideheart]

ben affleck smoking dot jpeg

[bogkeep]

look i just need to write a big venty post about petty problems it's fine

i COULD write this in a private journal but in the interest of saving my wrists im just gonna yell at my public blog aggretsuko style!!!!! like i'm. a little worried that i'm extra angry and irritated at everything since i started on T, but i also feel like i'm just currently wading through a curse of a thousand cuts and i'm just reaching maximum capacity okay. like these are all small petty things, nothing is going to ruin my life, people experience far worse things all the time everywhere i'm just so SICK of trying to do so much and ending up wasting my time and money and energy all the time constantly!!!!!!!!!!!

i already complained about how much stress having legally moved to sweden has caused me and how i can't get my travels to the evil gender clinic reimbursed and a bunch of other annoying problems, and how i had to do so many stupid annoying phone calls - phone calls are FINE but they're only available within very specific working hours and it's so fucking annoying if you're at school or work and like!!!!!!!! i need to take time off to make a private phone call!!!!!!!!! and then all the times i had to follow up on goddamn fucking gender clinic just to get ANY help with the thing they PROMISED ME, and just today i sent them ANOTHER message just to make sure that thing is GOING ANYWHERE AT ALL............. and then calling my phone provider AGAIN and being told to send them ANOTHER EMAIL!!!!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED LAST I SENT THEM AN EMAIL (because that's what they told me to do when i called them the first time). I GOT TOLD TO CALL THEM!!!! FUCKING HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WON'T YOU LET ME OUT OF THE TORMENT NEXUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm almost out of mobile data and i can't top up on it because ONLY THE OWNER OF THE SUBSCRIPTION CAN DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW WHO THE OWNER IS???? MY DEADNAME!!!!!!!! IT'S ME EXCEPT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!! FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

and do you know why i'm almost out of data!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! because the room i'm staying in has such garbage wifi connectivity i need to turn off the wifi to do anything on my phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's like the shitty tall bed is a no-wifi zone!!!!!!!!! i can't believe this is happening. i haven't run out of mobile data in YEARS like what the FUCK is going on. what kind of data drain goblin is drinking all the internets in my phone!!!! and YES i checked the data spending stats and it makes no sense WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. im hoping that if my email to the phone provider is sad wet and pathetic enough they'll gift me some free data for being sent back and forth like a goddamn ping pong ball.

do you know who i want to give a call though. the norwegian post. if their phone queue wasn't like 23583249843298 people i would like to ask them very kindly WHY THE FUCK DID THEY BILL ME 80 FUCKING KRONER FOR SENDING A POST CARD. IT WAS 3 PITIFUL GRAMS OVER THE STAMP LIMIT. LIKE I KNOW I'M TECHNICALLY IN THE WRONG BUT IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE I FORGOT THAT NORWAY HAS A LOWER LIMIT THAN SWEDEN AND I JUST. AUGUHGHHG I WANTED TO SEND MY FRIENDS A **POST CARD** AND A CUTE STICKER!!!!!!!! but i decided on not calling them because i don't want to spend 1.5 hours waiting to speak to someone just to complain about a fine that was earned even if unfair. but then. AND THEN. the holy grail of spiteful petty frustrations.

i decided to purchase an Item. but in the attempt of not getting a thing tied to Bad Monopoly Corporation i purchased a different thing from Another Bad Monopoly Corporation. WHICH WAS MY FIRST MISTAKE. NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN!!! then the Item is sent to the post office super far away and it's such a hassle getting there and it kinda sucked but okay. normal day for me i guess! but then it turns out the Item doesn't even WORK because it's FUCKING REGION LOCKED. AND IT WASN'T GONNA DO THE THING I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DO ANYWAY. BECAUSE BAD MONOPOLY CORPORATION HAS A MONOPOLY ON THE FUNCTION I DESIRED!! HAHA!! OKAY COOL fine i get to return the item and get my money back right??? right. right!!!! so when i finally have access to a printer i print out all the custom slips and return slips and just all the things!!!! okay!!!!!! and i send it off!!!!!! okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT THEN IT GETS RETURNED TO ME!!!! BUT TO SWEDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS STUPID AND WROTE MY SWEDISH ADDRESS AS THE RETURN ADDRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEY RETURNED IT BECAUSE THE CUSTOMS SLIP WAS WRONG?????? was it because i put it on the back of the envelope??? the post office people said it was fine :(((((( post office people stop getting me in trouble 2k24!!!!!!!!!!! i intended to call the post customer service about it because im so tired of everything being a money drain and i want to know why they did this and im just so frustrated with everything going fucking wrong but. what do i even say. i don't think i have it in me to wait in an hour long queue when i can only call during the hours i'm at my watchmaker placement :(((((( the strength has left my body and i'd like to cry instead thanks

anyway i contact customer service for Bad Monopoly Corporation like hey i sent it off but it got returned and im out of town can you pretty pretty please extend the return deadline. but because Bad Monopoly Corporation probably only gives their customer service workers negative two seconds to read emails they didn't even respond to my email they were like "follow these steps to return your item :)" three times before they actually replied to me and told me they can't extend the deadline. fucking fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i get my landlord to do it!!!!!!!!!!! VERY COOL NOT HUMILIATING AT ALL. HOPEFULLY IT GOES THROUGH THIS TIME OR IM GOING TO EXPLODE INTO A MILLION BILLION PIECES FOREVER

also i purchased a can of sparkling water at a bar the other day and it cost 60 kroner :((((((((((((( that's like 6 americadollars. i think that's evil actually

[eddiethehunted]

i. want to disappear for a while. i feel like something is wrong with me and nothing i do makes it better. no matter how hard i try. everything feels so hopeless. apparently i’m just a fucking cold unfeeling bitch who only cares about herself. apparently all i do is hurt people by just existing and being who i am. i know i joke about my autism a lot but i feel like a fucking horrible alien sometimes. i try really hard to be normal and palatable and acceptable and good but it’s like i’m existing outside of everyone else’s reality and no one will ever accept me as i am and i wish i could stop existing and nothing ever changes and no one ever understands and i will never be good enough for anyone because im wrong and bad and broken and traumatized and nothing i do will ever be good enough i will never be good enough nothing i do or say ever will matter it’ll never be enough. so why do i even try anymore. nothing even matters