#I wish I was not like this cause it causes so much fucking stress
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Deep deep fear that one day all my friends are gonna decide they just don't wanna talk to me anymore for whatever reason and unfortunately, I won't get the memo and will keep trying and that'll just make them hate me more :(
#Logically in my LOGICAL brain I know that's silly#I wish I was not like this cause it causes so much fucking stress#for no reason#for imaginary reasons that don't exist#I also shouldn't be this anxious cause my friends aren't like that#they are all very good to me#and they probably don't have reasons to do that but I could give them several#I have very good friends that I really don't deserve but I'm too afraid to push people away so :)#vent tw#urghh sorry it's gettin so bleak on main#just having a rough night after a nice weekend#I think the combo of nightmares + feeling good lately has destroyed me lmao#anyway Kid Leo Update tomorrow#yayyy#don't respond to this it's just me yeling at the void#if you see this and we're friends uhhh no I will not elaborate actually I am just gonna sleep it off
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i think my coworkers and friends think its a little excessive that Im so militant about my sleep schedule but its hard to describe the extent to which the terrors fucking get me if my circadian rhythm is even a little fucked up
#see. if i fall asleep by 10:45 or so usually the RLS doesnt start up#but if i drink a coffee too late. or im out late. or stressed. or dont get much sleep the night before#it puts me at precipitous risk of getting fucking got#and then its genuinely some of the worst suffering i ever experience... crying pacing self medicating panicking etc etc etc#would take food poisoning over a bad RLS night easy. at least inbetween the vomiting you can sometimes get some rest#rn trialing a med that totally zonks me during the day but its worth it as a PRN cause otherwise ill be zonked ND a bitch if i dont sleep#to delete#resident good#my coworker like.... you wont even go out to dinner before a work day? not if its after 9PM bro otherwise theres a chance i Will Not Sleep#and not only that I WILL suffer the whole time#man Im frustrated too! I wish I wasnt like this but thats the bitch of living with a poorly understood movement disorder!
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thinking (and rewatching..) inside job again and i dont think rand is that bad of a father? i mean, he made a lot of mistakes and he doesn’t even feel bad ab it, even tho he traumatized reagan and a lot, but he was never absent. he acts like he cared ab reagan’s career just bc it could help his career, but that’s not true. he pushes her to be the best all the time and it’s bad, but he genuinely cares ab her so much. and the whole ‘creating crises to force her to hang out w him’ thing is fucked up, but it’s cute that he just wants to hang out w her that bad. most fathers literally don’t care enough ab their kids to do any of that. most fathers don’t even know their kids as much as he knows her. maybe my standards are just insanely low, probably, but he’s a better parent than 90% of the parents i know
#not just fathers. my standards aren’t lower for fathers than they are for mothers yk. they’re both low#he’s a better parent than my mom#he raised her being completely emotionally neglecting and putting so much pressure on her to be the genius she is#but i mean#my mom was just as emotionally neglecting as he was. i like telling the story ab how she had me stitch up my own wound when i was 8#and always mocked me for being ‘weak’. exactly like toxic masculinity except that we’re both girls. i couldn’t have feelings yk#rand isn’t as toxic as her when it comes to that. he neglects her feelings and even mocks them too but she still seemed allowed to Have them#if my mom thought i was being ‘weak’ she would scream at me ab how much she wished i had never been born. he doesn’t do that!!!!#like when she didn’t wanna skip 4th grade. if that were me my mom would have made me feel so guilty for being born#like i had to skip grades and actively pretend (i’m talking real acting here) to not be upset or she’d go on her rants#ab how life is difficult and depressing for everyone and i gotta swallow it and like it cause she sacrificed her happiness and health for me#cause my being born made her life so hard etc etc#i don’t think rand make reagan feel like her continuing existence kept him from being happy or healthy#my mom started blaming her diabetes on me when i was 10.#like im not fucking kidding#cause my expensive private school (that she forced me to go to all my life cause it was semi boarding so i had someplace to stay all day and#so she didn’t need to leave me home alone) made her work too much which made her stressed which made her eat more so being diabetic was a#sacrifice she made for my future#that’s just how it was#inside job#text
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its me and my inability to compromise against the world
#i hate it when plans are changed i fucking hate it so much#i desperately need to rant about this im having an awful time ..Augh#my dad lost his job and is selling his house. we have at MOST 3 weeks to get out of here#so wrre moving to the house next to my moms. my grandpa owned b4 he died. HOWEVER#i hate that house its dirty as hell. i cant live with my mom theres barely 2 rooms there and i currently sleep on a couch in the living roo#there are 3(?) bedrooms where my dad is moving and they are SIGNIFICANTLY smaller than. literally everything#so well have. not a lot of space. not to mention that all the rooms are shaped so fucking weird. shitty old house bonus#literally everything has the fucking landlord special cause my mom used to rent it except all of the tennants were jerks#so the house has A Vibe. /neg. and its a weird combo of dustu and sticky#Im getting off topic.#i was allowed to choose my room a while back and we all agreed on everything and made plans and thought everything was set in stone#the room i was supposed to get is small asf and has slanted walls. (attic room ig) but it was fine#but my mom was like noo! actually! your older brother is getting that room! we never agreed on anything!!#whicj is AWFUL#i HATE CHANGE#AND. i wish you could see the room im supposed to have now but im at My dad's rn#its so fucking small. the water heater is in there. there's a low hanging fucking duct pipe or whatever right by the door#its pink#it smells like shit#ots right next to the washer and dryer.#there is no light. i hate it so much#ITS SMALL. AND JUST FUCKING SUCKS#i might sound like a dick but everything is so stressful rn i dont want to move school starts in 2 weeks i dont know my schedule i don't#have anyone to talk to. we're all fucking broke as hell and my mom refuses to help my dad because. i dont even know why#sorry. btw#i need someone to talk to so bad#they won't get me a therapist because 1 its not covered by insurance and 2 my dad lost his job and said insurance#i can't get a job because i can't drive and am so mentally fucked up and its so hard for me to do literally anything#i cry at the most insignificant situations and im always on the verge of tears#i get overstimulated so easy i can't fucking do this
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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yk when you can feel yourself starting to stop caring about stuff you love and you are White Knuckling through it because no I Will still love this so fucking help me
#could be a vent but really i’m just kinda vibing#oh also turns out I do Not have adhd#which is kinda good and kinda bad#kinda good because like. well at least we've checked off one of the 'well what if it's this' list#kinda bad because it means that my problems will probably have to be solved individually which. mmm I cbaa#i’m gonna cause like what else am i gonna do#but like man I just wish I had One Big Problem that was causing all these stupid little problems#and if adhd was that One Big Problem then I could just have medication and stuff and I could get better#but nope HFKDH I gotta sort through each stupid little problem individually#i’m also kinda stumped cause I don't think it's depression and I now know it's not adhd so like. well now what#it'd better not fucking be autism or stress or burnout or whatever#I want an easily medicated problem thank you very much#we (family) think that I should probably try antidepressants#specifically because both my dad and his mum and my mum are all on antidepressants#my dad and me have like. fundamentally identical symptoms#and apparently antidepressants really help with those symptoms#so yk i’m holding onto that hope lmao#I will now tag this as vent maybe cause I am yapping#i’m not upset though so like. idk ill tag it just in case#but i’m more annoyed than anything else LHFKD#like mannn#why can’t mental health be easy for like. one time#cmon#wren wrambles#vent#rant#it's both tbh
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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
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it would be cool if talking to my mom could help me feel better for once instead of. making everything worse
#sometimes i get so violently jealous of people who have good relationships with their moms#and who can go to their mom with any problem and just get a hug and some good advice#or even just reassurance that it will be okay#like my mom came over for a couple hours and i literally told her yesterday about how depressed i am#and that it's really bad and that i need to go on antidepressants#so why tf did she think i was in any frame of mind to be nagged for two hours straight about logistics and plans for the future#like. i don't have any bandwidth right now!!! for anything!!! take the fucking hint!!!#i ended up bursting into tears and telling her to either knock it off or get out of my house and. well. she left! so#my dad is usually my supportive parent but he's dealing with such bad depression and burnout of his own rn#that i can't really go to him with anything cause he's at capacity and i don't want to stress him out#just. im tired I'm so fucking tired im exhausted there's too much to worry about and she came over and put like twenty more things#on my plate#and tried to pick fights#and i just. idk. i wish i could rely on her. but i can't and i know that and IDK why i keep trying#delete later
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I do wish I'd realized I'm an aromantic poly lesbian much earlier in life because I would have saved myself a lot of trouble but also it would have been nice to have known from the start what was up with me and A Specific Type Of Man because truly I've done it at least four times now and this is the first time I'm like fully fucking aware of what I'm doing and not trying to squash it into a societally acceptable heterosexual box like I'm not attracted to men but I like specific ones in the way a lot of aroace people have partners like human sexuality is so weird and fluid and I'm seven kinds of crazy, so when I find someone who clicks with my brain, I'm like, interested in that regardless of gender. and idk I have an easier time clicking with guys in that way because of both my gender and my prodigious daddy issues and also society because of the way mend tend to be socialized, especially if they're queer or ND in some way
all this to say that like it's not a bad thing for me to both be a lesbian and also to have a male partner or partners like sure it would be nice to have a partner I was actually attracted to but I also don't necessarily feel like I'm missing out that I don't? comphet is crazy, but I feel like rather than making me feel attraction I didn't really feel, it made me reclassify actual feelings as romantic and sexual like it's why I stayed with my partner after I came out cauae I still loved him it just wasn't the way I thought I did
#I've been seeing someone like yknow Professionally and I'm just like. really incredibly fond of this dude#like we have a lot of similar trauma and stuff#and like yeah I probably wouldn't suck his dick if he didn't pay me but like idk the lack of pressure to enjoy it does make me like it#and I feel a little guilty because my coming out caused SO much stress between us and here I am enjoying fucking another man#but like it's also not my fault that I didn't understand what I wantes until I started smoking so much weed#idk I wish I had learned these lessons earlier because that would have been much fairer for Joe#brinn's marble run
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#i <3 wanna fucking die <3 all the time#all the god damn time i wish i could just kill myself im so sick of it#but noo bc that's like not good in theological terms nooo my best friend would be fucked up noo i cant cause even#more stress to my family but im so fucking tired and done#lifes been exhausting as shit and im sick of it#and on top of all the fucking health issues this useless piece of shit body is going to hell too#like great!! great! abled ppl can often barely manage to make it by in this country and economy or they#get so fucked by work they become disabled lmaoo i already fucking am#i dont want to even fucking try. i dont even wanna try. most of this life has been pain and mystery and wanting to die!#and feeling like im fucking suffocating#and i can go on and on abt how oh u know u live for the little things life is pain inherently it is what it is and whatever but i just#wanna god damn fucking dir#the years of my life when i was the least physically sick were spend being abused and being fucking exhausted to hell and back#now im almost 24 and ive what. barely managed to finish a univerity with a useless degree which in my parents eyes means basically#nothing compared to what i was supposed to do#its too fucking late for anything im too fucking old my health is too bad and i dont have the fucking energy to#do this shit enough to even just get bt much fucking less have it be anything that id even 5% wanna live for
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when do i get to meet another asian dyke when is it my turn
#i have to be with someone not white like just once in my life like i have but like. in a serious way.#bc i need someone who can recognize how my race plays a role in things important to both my personal comfort but also like.#the literal safety and respect of my existence as a person i dont want to be with someone who will like. tolerate it.#and understand why it is an extremely legitimate concern and cause for discomfort and even upset. and not just. stay quiet about it.#even if they r against it it still often feels like. accidental complicity. and acceptance of it. instead of actively being against it#and working against it#have had too many white ppl friends my life be too comfortable with the possibility of racist stuff happening to me#or actually just being racist around me. ive had to reflect on this a lot in the questions ive been asked for therapy stuff the last day#and i kind of realized how even if i have only had a few direct experiences of it. being exposed to it SO much and being around it#and being like. in the threat of it. to the point of recognizing how small things could lead to that point#like where it hasnt gotten there yet but with certain ideas how it can eventually get there#has been. really stressful. and has actuallg affected my life. a lot. like a lot.#and i guess i just wish both white friends and partners i've had. would actually give more of a fuck about it. and think about it. truly.#static.soundz
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#personal#these past six months have been causing me so much stress and anxiety and I hate how I’m so easily affected by it#It feels like the only things I’ve done are be miserable about my job search#and go on shitty dates to distract myself#which honestly ends up making me feel worse#I just wish I could deal with life in healthier ways like have a hobby#I wish I had friends too. I feel like when I go on dates I’m expecting to find a best friend/soulmate and I’m inevitably disappointed#so that’s not super healthy and I feel like I’d be less idk desperate if I had like an actual friend group#I’m so sick of talking about this. I’ve been talking about the job search stuff endlessly with my parents#I’m also so nervous about the job offer I received#i applied to it back in September#and the start date just keeps getting delayed#it’s only a three month temporary position too so it’s like fucking ridiculous that I’ll be spending an equivalent amount of time in the#application process of this job and actually working there#hopefully it leads to more permanent opportunities but fuck. I’m not looking forward to having to go through the job search process again#I’m just worried that theyre going to rescind the offer or the position is going to get cancelled or some bullshit
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I'd feel less sorry for myself if someone else could feel sorry for me.
#things i can't talk about are causing me high levels of stress like i cried#paperwork situation#it's really cold and the heating bill is too high#i have a busted knee and a busted ankle so everything is uncomfortable#to be specific everything hurts#beyond my usual aches pains and exhaustion#i'm getting ready to work two six day weeks to make up for the holidays#and as of tonight i started getting intense stomach cramps#which i told myself are probably just stress but again i just started crying#is it me? am i just incompetent so this stuff keeps happening?#oh and i've fucked up socially so much this week#so so much#i think i'm gonna clicker train myself to talk less it's the only solution i can think of#anyway i'm telling myself it's just stress and chewing some ginger#i'm in bed but i wish i could have a hug
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some neighbor is having some sort of a get-together, I can just hear people laughing and some occasional louder voices and my god if the joy radiating from that apartment isn't amplifying the misery I'm wallowing in
#noopa rambles#I wish I was in high spirits and had a good time#instead I'm unraveling and have no idea what to do about this#I feel bad and I feel like a burden and like I'm simply just too much I talk too much I whine too much#yet what am I doing in this post? talking and whining and wallowing in misery#I had a minor medical scare caused by my shitty eating habits yesterday#as in I full on fainted when I was out shopping and hit my head on the stone floor - twice (apparently)#bc I hadn't eaten anything all morning#I was gonna go grab some lunch after I got out of that specific store too but meatsack went fuck you#so now I'm extra stressing out about my shitty ass eating habits caused by being a human disaster#and idk how the hell I'm gonna fix the disaster that I am#I just. idk. even where to start#and I don't even know where I could possibly even ask for help let alone how to ask for it#(didn't even end up getting a concussion but the back of my head still sure is sore)
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Guess which bitch now has room on its phone for instagram for the first time in like 3 years. This is only good bc now we can post art there again.
Not that instagram is nice to artists or anything. Just that our art tumblr is so very tiny and unused. Gonna probably have to clear it out somewhat when I finally get around to posting art.
#thank fuck for our silm special interest tho#we can finally get like traction on posts#which'll mean that when our fibro flare-up finally dies down (lmao it'll be ages bc our dad is Stressing The Fuck Outta Us)#we can get commissions done again#and through those. well.#money both for clothes to make us comfortable#(which will also last for years & be the right kinda clothing for when we move overseas)#and also for savings for WHEN we move overseas#like our grandma is nice & all &'ll probably help pay for us getting housing or whatever#but i dont want to have to Rely on her inheritance from her aunt(?)#and disability benifits are dodgy at best. and we'll have to survive somehow *before* we get them through#and i kinda dont want to have to rely on the generosity of an old school friend's mum. or a 10th cousin 4 times removed (or whatever)#who might well be dead before we move to ireland#bc he's like 95 rn#and idk if he'd even let us stay at his (scarily enormous) house At All#also. idk if we'd have the money without some kinda work to get HRT when we move out. dont wanna have to be reliant on parents or the gov.#for our HRT. i doubt we could get public healthcare to cover it. not immediately at least.#and i kinda dont want to have to go back on birth control. cause progesterone or w/ever its called has feminising effects iirc#and we're not sure if we want a hysterectomy yet. so.#it'd be a choice between periods (hell) and HRT (expensive)#fuck i hate being disabled sometimes#like actually if anyone calls chronically fatigued ppl “lazy”. i fucking WISH i was lazy.#like bitch please this flare-up is making it so that NONE of my meds get rid of the pain anywhere NEAR fully#and im low-key on the Good Shit™#also so annoyed that ireland hasnt legalised weed. bc. we're almost certainly gonna be doing it for pain#and getting an *illegal* product is so much more difficult#lmao i worked out commas#—Roquén#my fingies hurt so much rn lmao#anyway gonna go draw my source drowning in blood & despair. then im gonna work out what the fuck kinda pigments caranthir would use
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#i'm fucking tired and just need to rant#this fucking month has been the fucking worst and i'm done#i'm so fucking tired#not the metion the stress#I fucking hate this#this blog was inactive for like 9 years yet here I am cause I can't talk about this with other people#no one's gonna read this anyway#shit was off to a bumpy start but eventually I got there#everything was going great#I was actually happy with my results#was also super confident I was going to well#but life had to remind me that I don't deserve to be happy#so fuck me I guess#now I need to deal with fucking everyone on my ass telling me it's not a big deal#phone keeps correcting fucking to funding#I am going to scream#but yeah anyway#how do I politely tell everyone to fuck off and that I'm so fucking stressed the only way out I see is offing myself??#I'm so fucking useless lmao#I can't do this anymore#I've got no one who actually cares lmao#there's so much shit going on and can't fucking do this anymore#I WANT OUT#being an adult is the fucking worst thing I've ever done so yeah#should have just fucking ended it at 12#I've not only wasted my own time#wasted someone's else's precious time#and a shit-ton of money#so yeah#really wish my family could understand this situation
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