#it didnt even take that long. somehow
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Tanguish with his cloak :]
[closeups under the cut]
#tanguish#redstone and skulk#mcytblr#art#myart#holy fuck. this drawing#i have no idea why it tired me out so much#it didnt even take that long. somehow#i feel like ive just run a marathon#experimenting with some different art style thingys#and the background OH MY GOG#its not that complicated but it took me SO LONG TO DECIDE ON WHAT TO DO YOU HAVE NO IDEA#IM NOT EVEN SURE IF I LIKE YHE BACKGROUND I ENDED UP WITH#BUT ITS DONE NOW!! AND I'M NOT TOUCHING IT!!!#audio_feedback#anyway read redstone and skulk! please#edited because i hated the background colour and now i am nit touching it anymore
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i am glad drake is being called out and i’m glad kendrick is doing exactly that but i can’t help but notice that men are only quick to label other men they hate as predators and not their very own friends.
its a valid way to feel but when trying to analyze peoples actions possible political results i find its better off to try to lock away ones own feelings about the entire system. its unfair.
like ive seen many people upset along the lines of "so kendricks just coming out with these serious allegations just cuz theyre beefing. men only care about womens violence to dunk on other men" and while thats a valid way to feel about the culture, about the general, the majority, about men, cuz we literally see this happen around us, etc etc we literally cant apply it to individuals baselessly.
i have 0 idea what the circumstances were and what kendrick was thinking through this whole thing, WHAT I DO KNOW is that its literally historic someone with this kind of platform is so ruthlessly coming after someone else from the industry with very clearly stated accusations. its so ugly but in Hollywood, you have actors and directors revealed as sex offenders or in lawsuits of sexual violence OR EVEN COMPLETELY OFF THE GRID unacceptable behavior and no one breathes out a word on it. its tradition directors take advantage of women to give them roles. tradtion to write naked scenes for women they want naked. but everyones tail is caught in everyones mouth, so people whose brands are wholesome or "progressive" stay silent to stay employed. its all very hushed.
ive never seen a man this popular and widely respected openly call another man a misogynist. like i said before, its not that Kendrick Lamar is some Feminist Scholar King, its that the action, the angle is surprisingly pro-woman. in times feminist sentiment gets so much backlash and is so unpopular with general audiences i was pleasantly surprised by the way he spoke of women. thats it.
#mypost#kendrick lamar#drake#k.#like i HAVE to approach peoples behaviors with as much neutral grace as i can because...#i find when one let their anger about ''men'' ''patriarchy'' ''misogyny'' seep into judging any individiual man they sound like a terf...#cuz im so mad and so hurt and need everyone to ACTUALLY Be feminist scholars and ACT in womens sake#that i lose grasp of the common person. that we all grow up In A Society. with sexist coding. that it takrs so long to unlearn#thats if you are even somehow driven to do so by circumstances partially out of your control#so yeah. sadly if i judge men on having read at least one 1 single feminist book and understood it.....and i killed those who didnt?#id have to kill all men i know#so yeah! lets take our small dub. kendrick lamar killed that predator lol
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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"In-depth information of the Warframe mandate is forbidden to all but the Seven."
Despite this, Albrecht Entrati:
-got a hold of the Helminth virus, which is the specific strain of infestation used to make Warframes.
-made his own Warframe (Qorvex).
-time travelled to 1999 to Warframe-ify people who believed he was saving them from a plague.
Albrecht Entrati does not give a single solitary fuck, I am amazed he somehow avoided the Jade Light.
#wf tag#he practiced alchemy which was forbidden#he got a hold of warframe technology SOMEHOW#like this man should have been vaporized long ago#not to mention the orokin didnt even take his void research seriously#he should be happy they didnt give him the Javi treatment and didnt lock him up#i guess Albrecht learned from the alchemist and thats why the underground secret lab system existed#im surprised Loid didnt go grey from keeping up with all the secrets#and also smuggling shit for Albrecht#MAYBE Albrecht being a proper Orokin saved him from any repercussions but like#its not like Orokin were known for their upstanding morals LMFAO
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i am actually so tired of the way westerners treat eastern europeans
#fair warning for. a very very long ramble and rant in the tags. apologies#westerner or russian. no other option#westerner because the only thought they ever have is 'but they had universal housing so if you oppose ussr you oppose that'#(which is stupid becuse you can believe in that WITHOUT WANTING LIKE 6 COUNTRIES TO BE FORCED TO BE RULED OVER BY RUSSIA)#(SORRY FOR WANTING TO LIVE IN MY COUNTRY WITH MY HISTORY AND MY CULTURE AND NOT RUSSIA!!) (poland was a sattelite state but GOD)#or russian because they have a victim complex and are convinced that they deserve to rule over the entire damn world#'well you had universal housing so you had it easy' right yeah. okay. forget about like. everything else that happened#to eastern europeans during that time#forget about the things that are STILL issues all these years later not only in poland but like the more eastern countries too#its not about. the fact that the houses 'didnt have 3 bedrooms and a jacuzzi' in them. you DUMB SACK OF SHIT#god sorry. sorry. i also know so very little but like god damn i fucking live here. i didnt sit thru all that modern history#for some dumbfuck to say that 'ohhh only rich and american middle class people are happy the ussr was dissolved'#'oooh the dissolving of the ussr was illegal and the countries within it actually liked being there'#im just so fucking tired man i need to. i need to start killing people#and this is all not to mention that theyll say this stupid shit and then deny eastern europeans the things they actually did that were good#FUCK french people for trying to claim maria skłodowska. fuck americans for trying to claim the witcher as their own fantasy world#fuck the way the west is allowed to claim and destroy eastern european culture without any consequence because we dont matter enough#vaguely related but ill throw this in here since anyone finding it is unlikely and im scared of having this opinion#i think one underappreciated aspect of DE (which might be underappreciated because its not actually there and im stupid)#is that its pro-communist while still also giving some criticism to how it was handled and acknowledging that its still not perfect#which makes the writers much better communists than any self-proclaimed one ive ever met in my life who just worships the idea#perhaps its because the writers of the game were not white upper middle-class americans living in the suburbs. among other things#idk de is a game for people far smarter than me and i only played it once and im sure anyone who played it well can clock me as a bad perso#horrible horrible person even which is why im scared of mentioning it. but its an interesting thing. to me#the main thing is that im just not. im not far left enough i suppose. i agree communism in theory is a great idea. as far as i know it#(which isnt very far)#but chances of implementing it correctly in a way that doesnt take away from peoples happiness in other areas is. low. very low#i wrote a short essay about how utopias are inherently contradictory ideas once it wasnt very deep or good but like#you cant have universal happiness without restricting certain freedoms. and when those freedoms are resticted not everyone#will be happy. and then theyre unhappy they will have to be somehow removed or ignored
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it is with a heavy heart that i must announce. the five nights at freddy's movie was really good
sorry for how much of a behemoth this post is im fnaf autism just bear with me also i can't keep my thoughts straight for the life of me so this will be a bumpy ride. as an additional note i got very lucky and had literally 0 spoilers whatsoever for this movie, i haven't even seen the trailer
so first of all: i thought all the changes they made to the plot to make it work for a movie were good decisions, altho some of them did take a minute to actually feel like good changes lmao. once i thought about em a bit more though they made sense.
one of the things i really liked was that they also did include a lot of the things i wanted them to, or more specifically things that you're like "you literally can't have a fnaf movie without these, it just wouldn't be right", like we got mike schmidt, we got fucking VANESSA??? altho she might be in the trailer so that might not be the same reveal for yall as it was for me but still. they heavily alluded to vanny? (altho that's a part i'm kinda sad abt is they didn't /actually/ include vanny, vanessa just makes an offhand comment about how she "wouldn't be much help" if she was around afton and then. comes to help anyways and doesnt have any issues? lame they shouldve had him hypnotise her and then she fought her way out to help mike and abby. or alternatively they couldve used the family restructuring to make vanny be a result of afton giving vanessa osdd-2, like thats kinda functionally what he does with the mask anyways but this would make it more obvious).
also swinging back to changes they made that i liked!! VANESSA AFTON?? like this is the one that took me a while to get used to bc it feels like such a cliche from an outside perspective but it also kind of Super Isn't considering what the original plot is? like all the family restructuring they did makes pretty good sense to me, i do think it loses a bit of the weight having michael be Just Some Guy Whose Brother Happened To Be Kidnapped By Afton Forever Ago and now coincidentally has this weird guy offering him a job as a night guard, but also the og lore. absolutely would not fit into a movie lmao. so i like that they kept the characters everyone wanted around while also rearranging it to keep the spirit of "learning about all of this for the first time through the eyes of a security guard" you get from playing the games. it's fun for people who don't know the lore because it's easy to follow and it's fun for people who /do/ know the lore because they can pull apart all the differences.
oh right back to things they included that i wanted them to. we gotttt chica's cupcake murdering people, we got FUCKING MATPAT? SAYING THE ITS JUST A THEORY LINE? SOUNDING THRILLED OFF HIS ASS TO BE THERE??? i dont like the man and his opinions vis a vis addressing nonbinary characters but. goddamn was that a funny cameo. why couldnt you include markiplier too you fucking cowards. who said that. anyways. oh we kind of tangentially have a canon name for crying child? aka garrett? like idk this one could go either way because like. yeah he's mike's younger brother that died tragically and scarred him for life, makes sense that theyd be the same character in function but also it is technically a different family so who knows.
umm what else. oh this doesnt rlly fall into either category i just really liked it, the intro sequence for all the animatronics? showing what they can /really/ do with the breaking and entering dudes?? that was such a cool sequence i really liked the whole thing honestly. chica being introduced in the kitchen and the dude finding the cupcake then looking back and it's gone? bonnie in the supply closet? foxysprint??? AND FREDDY!! THE BITE!!! in case anyones reading this before watching the movie so they know what to expect: youll know when this moment is coming and if youre watching it at home with friends i HIGHLY recommend having the "was that the bite of 87" clip ready to play right after, they WILL lose their shit. i had it queued up from the very beginning of the movie cause i was like. they can't not include it /somehow/, it's the fnaf movie there has to be A Bite. and sure enough. oh also it's not at the same time but the golden freddy reveal is really good too, they did a good job of setting it up so even if youre already aware of golden freddy conceptually you still go "oh freddy's here? i mean i guess that makes sense he's the leader and all. or wait what happened to his eye why's he only got one? oh. oh i see. ohohohohohohohoho" 100/10. also very funny that they just straight up. MURDER THE AUNT? AND SHE NEVER GETS MENTIONED AGAIN SHE JUST IS DEAD??? the kid isnt like. hey what happened to aunt jane?? i get none of them liked her and with good reason but youd think at least one of em would be like "damn she sucked but she didnt deserve that, rip jane"
oh and the springlocks of course the springlocks. like as soon as we saw aftons name in the cast list we all knew he was gonna get springlocked, it's such a cherished memory for so many of us and there's no way in hell The Fnaf Movie™ wouldnt include afton getting springlocked, they just legally can't leave that out. and they do it pretty well too like yeah if you know what's gonna happen you can see it coming way ahead of time and it's kind of a slow crawl to get there but like. idk i think it still works pretty well. i don't personally like how long the actual springlocking itself took, i think they couldve milked that a little bit less cause i was under the impression that if one springlock failed they All Would Instantaneously And Your Flesh Body Will Become Occupied By A Full Endoskeleton. but no we just get very slow rib beartrap. w/e though still cool and again the leadup to it was really good even knowing exactly how it would end, like just the really slow shuffling of the animatronics towards him? like yeah it's slow and kinda tedious but its also like. theres literally nothing you can do, youre surrounded and defenseless and theyre infinitely faster and stronger than you and now they remember that you killed them. and you just have to sit there and watch them slowly slowly get closer all while trying to talk your way out of it knowing youre fucked. 10/10 they did that part well
oh and that also falls under changes i liked, i liked that instead of "afton tries to escape intangible ghosts by getting into old decrepit suit which then fails and kills him" it was "afton was already in the suit to do murders in and has brainwashed the bots to follow him" wait omg point postponed i just realized that part is from security breach. i thought vanessa was the only thing they brought over from that i didnt even notice that they werent doing the theyre-attacking-all-adults-indiscriminately thing goddamn. omg wait and the fact that the restaurants already closed in this one, it really is just a blend of all the games huh. scott do you see how much more coherent your plot couldve been if there wasnt So much going on. anyways. back to what i was saying. instead of "afton tries to escape intangible ghosts by getting into old decrepit suit which then fails and kills him" it was "afton was already in the suit to do murders in and brainwashed the ghosts into thinking he was their friend so they would help him do murders while possessing the robots. then they get their memories back and the robots turn on him and.. i think deliberately? set off the springlocks, or were just aiming to regular kill him and the springlocks failing was a happy accident? then the robots drag him away as they keep slowly one by one collapsing into him", like the first one made a lot of sense for the game and the timeline and the second one just feels right for this too. it's still his hubris that kills him, still his springlocks, it's just in one version the hubris is "trusting his springlock design to still work after however many years" and in the other its "thinking he has conplete control over the ghosts he killed", plus the ghosts finally get a bit more direct participation in his death than in the other version lol.
one change i did not like. forced het romance. like i dunno i guess im happy for them, both of those characters have certainly earned happy endings by this point so its nice they can get something cutesy. but also. like cmon man it's vanessa and mike do we have to do this she just got stabbed stop holding her hand
oh also this change wasnt really good or bad i just thought it was funny, vanessas a full on cop now? like i get they prolly just dont wanna have two security guards or something but i mean. it wouldve been really easy to just say she was the day shift guard? thatd explain why she had more information on the bots and the place's history than him, why she's always Around, it wouldve even flowed into the vanessa afton reveal pretty well too because like. yeah obviously a guy doing murders would want his main security guard to be someone he trusts and who better than his theoretically brainwashed daughter yknow? as it was she just kinda Showed Up Knowing Stuff And Ignoring Questions and later afton's like "you were supposed to be keeping an eye on him" but like of course Mike was getting dodgy about the weirdo cop loitering nearby for no reason, thats sus as hell lmao. vs "experienced security guard here to show you the ropes" he would have a much easier time trusting that she actually did have his best interests at heart. idk it just seemed like a weird change to me lmao
ummm oh my roommate pointed out the fact that when they tried to springlock abby the suit they were aiming for looked suspiciously like circus baby and abby and baby are anagrams so thats fun. it's hard to tell though if shes intended to be a rework of elizabeth or if vanessa's filling that role now. cause like on the one hand, michael's younger sister whose name is v close to baby, on the other hand, vanessa is afton's daughter. so idk i feel like it could go either way. if abby's elizabeth i guess that negates the thing about garret maybe being crying child's name bc then theyd prolly just be keeping mike's name the same. w/e
oh my god i completely forgot when i was talking about changes to the afton springlock thing, they had him deliberately put his mask on after the other springlocks started releasing and say the "i always come back" line, i thought that was an excellent touch. like he's actively dying a horrific death and is like. no no. im not leaving this bot. this shit is going to suck ass no matter what so i might as well do all i can to ENSURE my soul gets locked in this fuckin thing, go on stab me in the brain lets do this. i will however also say that having him say "i always come back"... before he's even come back the first time? is a little bit weird, i know thats another one of the "we have to include this in the fnaf movie" things so im not mad but just in the moment it def flows a bit weird. like mf you don't even have one example of that yet much less several to be saying "always" about
OH AND THE BIGGEST ONE. THE ANIMATRONICS. theyre so good. like im so glad they went all in on that, i think they probably knew that if there was one single thing they had to get absolutely 100% right to avoid a fan uprising it was those and by god did they deliver, theyre so big and so unsettling and so fun. chica's wink at abby was the best part of the movie no questions asked. or alternatively bonnie falling over after they built the fort. like theyre all just so good. OH MY GOD OR IN CHICA'S INTRODUCTION SEQUENCE WHERE YOU CAN SEE HER JUST. SCOOTING BY THROUGH THE VENT?? THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING OF ALL TIME HELLO???
god. but yeah i was honestly expecting it to be a lot worse than it was. also this mike is a bad brother/dad figure. but i guess in the games he also kind of is the pinnacle of bad brother so i mean it couldve been a lot worse. theres definitely some rough parts, i mightve mentioned this already but i felt like a few of the dramatic pause things were a bit too drawn out, like i said the springlocks locking is one good example of that but another that i REALLY found slow was like. in the opening we watch a guy get turbomurdered by the swirly blade mask and it takes. way longer than i feel like was necessary. also unnecessary: a jumpcut a second from scared eyes to swirly blades to hands fumbling and repeating during that. oh another thing that was weird to me, why was mike so insistent on sleeping specifically at night? to the point of deliberately sleeping on the job? like i get he wanted to revisit the kidnapping dream but like. presumably he could dream just as well during the day, no? done his night shift then once it was up rolled out a sleeping bag for a quick powernap before heading home? idk that just felt. forced to me
more random things, i am sad we didnt get a whiff of henry emily (my fringe theory was that their twist to change it from the games was they were gonna make henry be evil, rip to that idea) or the puppet/charlie, and kinda sad they changed the kid possessing golden freddy to be a boy like. we love cassidy and her Undying Rage Towards Afton's Soul smh why would you get rid of her. also loved balloon boy, kinda wish mangle had gotten like a similar level appearance but thats w/e. oh also while i did appreciate the low gore level there were also a few times where it was a bit weird how minor the injuries the dead people had were. like this man just had his face put in a blender mask and he just has like. some forehead gashes or whatever? he should look like someone stirred up jello
anyways with that gross thought i think i am out of things to say about the movie for now. if anyone else watched it already and somehow read all of this blease tell me your thoughts
#the stuff under the cut contains major spoilers so reader beweader#this post is also gonna be rambley as hell so like. strap in#update after finishing it: it is indeed very rambley and also long as hell so see again: reader beweader#fnaf movie spoilers#five nights at freddy's movie spoilers#fnaf spoilers#five nights at freddy's spoilers#fnaf#fnaf movie#my roommate said they heard they were aiming to make 3 moves total and if i had to guess#i would say the other movies will probably hit fnaf 3 and then pizzaria simulator#obviously with some massive changes to the plot regarding timelines and just resolving general world changes#but i do feel like those encapsulate the main big points of afton's arc#aka 1) getting springlocked‚ 2) being springtrap (potentially in fazbear frights and i think that would be a really cool movie#but really the location doesnt really matter so much as the He's Been Woken Up And Is Hunting Someone#and then 3) getting his ass sent to ghost hell by henry. frankly i would be happy if they just ripped his final monologue#straight from the game and didnt even rerecord it it's just so iconic#like id want them to include security breach too somehow but. the timelines gonna get real condensed real fast then#it already would be if they include 3 isnt there like 30 years between aftons death and that one? so the part thats#originally set in 2050????? yeah thatd take some serious rearranging#hmm although i am now in my head thinking of something. abt the location not mattering as long as#springtrap wakes up and hunts someone. what if they did that /in the pizzaplex/ instead of in a horror attraction#or maybe for a horror installation there#idk im just rambling more now but i think thatd be a cool way to combine those parts#oh sorry technically that thing abt afton getting springlocked is technically a spoiler#but i mean come on we all knew that was gonna happen
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i really love kick scooters i've been using one to get around instead of walking whenever possible since i was like 10 and i'd like to say i'm fairly good at it but sometimes when i'm hurtling downhill at landscape blurring speeds it does occur to me that i'm gambling my life on 2 metal pipes and 2 wheels small enough to be tripped up by a pebble
#I've only fallen like 3 times i think which imo is pretty impressive with how often i use it. BUT one of#the times was coz i didnt notice a PEACH SEED on the sidewalk and the wheel couldn't get over it and i ate shit#it made me way more cautious about avoiding junk on the road like what the fuck man...#post inspired bc i was going downhill on a sidewalk and had to cross a road so i lifted the#front wheel as per usual when the terrain switches (so the wheel doesn't get caught and trip me) but#somehow i managed to shift my gravity just the right way that I glided across the road just on#the back wheel and the front only touched down once i reached the opposite sidewalk#now I'm sure this is smtg one could do on purpose and I'm also sure it looked cool as hell but DAMN. felt really weird#and im deathly afraid of tripping plus i dont have a trick scooter i always get the#ones w the slightly bigger wheels and wider deck coz i use them to get around not for tricks#i do take them to the skatepark dgmw but im not meant to. no wonder im on like the 4th one by now#it's still like lightweight enough for tricks it's the perfect balance of light enough to jump with but#big enough to be comfortable for long term shit so it's ideal... but like oh my god if this#tiny ass machine snaps im a smear on the pavement#not even machine it's powered by pure leg. device? wikipedia says human powered street vehicle. sure yeah that#barking
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it is painful to learn the "normal" ways that people reasonably around my age were motivated to do things their parents wanted, ie chores or getting good grades in school. this is a pain that has built over time because, seeing it around me as a kid, i could reason that maybe every single one of my friends were just spoiled. but, eerily, every time it seems the topic of motivating children comes up in whatever conversation is bringing it up, it seems like. and it still feels presumptuous to say. but most people as children were rewarded for good behavior. the one i was most envious of as a child was that multiple of my friends got paid money for getting As, and it was actually very shocking to me to find out that that is at least kind of a little more universal than i really really was sure it was not, but that's not the big thing that causes me pause now. generally, it seems, children are rewarded in some way for doing things their parents ask of them. writing and then stepping back and reading such a sentence makes me feel like an alien trying to puzzle out the function of the human pancreas lmfao but i dont know. in the wider conversations where this happens to come up, describing these motivators is never the point, which is maybe part of the difficulty for me. it's really hard to process that not everyone was doing what their parents said to do out of cold pure fear for their life. there's so many things it turns out other kids were getting. stickers and movie tickets and candy and praise and love. i am so sad.
#abuse tw#its hard to evensay because in a way somehow im still sure every single person is going to turn on me#despite this having been a long growing revelation based on things other people have said without it even being possible for me to have#influenced what they were saying i am like#deeply sure somehow that everyone will Know i really am just the entitled spoiled ungrateful one#idiot dont you know everyone gets screamed at and hit and chased down until theyre cowering with their back to the wall begging for mercy#all possible exits blocked because you didnt want to go out to eat with the rest of your family after church service? why would you even sa#something stupid like what you just did. you know it was right after all. just like when you got a B in that class you remember and you kno#you KNOW what happened was right#you only whine to other people because youre such a fucking bitch trying to smear the good name of your poor parents. they suffer to the da#<- in my mind i write this and immediately every person i know comes out of the shadows to say this to me because its what theyve believed#and known all along and then they all leave me and i die here#i probably need to go back to therapy but ive spent 5 years doing weekly sessions + months in an institute and i dont know if at this point#anything is going to help#5 years of my life 5 years#ive heard what feels like fucking everything#i crack open a work book or jusgt a like a normal book on the topic of (insert mental disorder) and i have already read it a billion fuckin#times and i keep up with the meditation and the journaling until it drives me freaking bonkers and i have to take a break from the frustrat#-on like WHAT do i do. at this point fuck it we ball + just make sure to stay on alert for snake oil salesmen bc i know im vulnerable#in this sort of position
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... My parents really for real are leaving the uncleaned, rotten potato juice and other misc unknown juice infested, LITERALLY FRUIT FLY LARVAE INFESTED, cupboards, in the bathroom,
For like the 4th day starting today if I am counting right
Sure just don't let me shower sure just let me get paranoid over the larvae sure make me not trust the bathtub for like a week sure let the place get more infested sure let it stink up the whole place SURE LEAVE THE FUCKING BATHROOM UNUSABLE
#I was the one who found the cupboard btw#They fr left shit there for months#Never checked it#Bc I don't cook or stay in the kitchen a long time unless I'm actively seeking Being Alone and Not Food#I never checked#Whole place infested with fruit flies#Thousands so many#'haha guess it's summer gotta be the trash' mom says#Then I try finding the source myself on an already extremely low appetite#....... Yea let's just say I just had to comfort food it out again after my discovery. So bad.#I know they've had work but. Uhm. Today home all day. Are they seriously not gonna clean it unless I say#I'M NOT DOING IT I'LL THROW UP + IDK HOW TO DO IT DO I LOOK LIKE I'VE BEEN TAUGHT#TO CLEAN ANYTHING#We don't even have basic cleaning supplies.#They always leave gross buckets of gross?? UNKNOWN LIQUIDS#In there for DAYS#And I CANT TAKE A BATH JNLESS I ASK SOMEONE#FOR#DAYS#LEAST HYGIENIC FUCKING HOUSE JESUS CHRIST I GET TOLD MY ROOM IS GROSS AND DIRTY#BUT ITS THE CLEANEST PLACE IN THE HOUSEEEEEE#Would be better if WE DIDNT LOSE THE WHOLE VACUUM SOMEHOW#Where IS IT.#I can't with this house#Vent#Sorry I'm talking abt this situation a lot (@my friends)#Like Uhm I wanna shower. I haven't since my Transgender Werewolf Period began#No since BEFORE IT. I'm DISGUSTING. PLEASE. GET THE LARVAE INFESTED THING OUT OF HERE#AAHHHHHHHH#I'M WRITING THIS BC KM AVOIDING BRUSHING MY TEETH NEAR THIS THING.
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I had yet another long, strenuous day yesterday and didn't finish work until super late and then I couldn't fall asleep until well past 2am cuz I was in so much pain from standing literally all day
#what made it worse was the client I spent most of my day with was a brand new client. and she booked super last minute#so I wasnt mentally prepared for doing a 5 hour color. and her natural hair was already pretty light so I had to foil foil foil. go back.#pull out first couple foils. foil foil foil. go back. pull out the next few.#over and over and over.#and her hair was so fucking long. and so fucking thick.#and after the first hour she wouldn't talk. like I like my silence so I don't fight it much#but every now and then I would try to engage with her. I'd say something and she would straight up ignore me. no acknowledgment.#which makes me feel anxious cuz it's like jesus... does she hate me?? did I piss her off somehow?#even when I finished her hair (it looked fucking amazing no lie. one of my best highlights yet.) she had next to no reaction to it#she was like 'it looks fine. I mean good. it's good.' completely deadpan#I laughed it off and was like yeah it's been a long day girl! but it looks amazinggg on you!!#no response. deep inhale. alright.#whatever tho.#when I did finally get off work I stopped @ bojangles cuz I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten since morning#and when I tell you I almost broke down into tears cuz there were so many people crowding the goddamn pickup area.#and so many bizarre conversations going on. genuinely felt like I was in some form of hell#like my feet hurt. my back hurts. I'm tired. I didn't get the validation I like to have over a 5 hour transformative color.#I'm hungry and there are two elderly women blocking the pickup counter. one is hard of hearing so she keeps yelling HUH???#and the other only speaks in soft baby whispers. that goes as well as you can imagine.#there's a man behind me grilling an employee abt whether or not he goes to church. he starts witnessing to him#and the employee says 'I've never thought about it like that before' no less than 4 times.#there's a child in front of me playing tiktoks @ full volume. and this is all happening simultaneously.#I really considered just leaving without my food but I knew I needed to eat and didnt have anything at home so I stuck it out#was it worth it? no. bojangles honestly sucks these days but what's a girl gonna do.#got home and tried to pass out but nope. tossed and turned all night.#put on hot n cold patches to try to soothe the pain a little. didn't work cuz one pain would be eased a bit and another pain would take over#blahhhhhh#and now. I get to do it all over again! yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
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If you see the final word count for my completed fic gently increasing over months and months no you dont
#i have realised that the ‘fast n loose’ method for churning out a fic doesnt work for me actually#i am so sad that so much of that fic was skipped- or told and not shown- or brushed over in favour of me forcing it out quickly#i know i did it for a good reason- that if i took my time with it and it grew bigger and bigger that there was a risk i would have exhausted#myself and not finished it at all which would have been way worse#i think actually taking 3 months to craft 15k chapters with many drafts makes me happier than churning out 4k in a week#that being said im so glad its finished and that- somehow- it did so much better than i would have ever dreamed <33#now i can go back and make it what i want it to be without the pressure of racing against my own stamina#and. if im really honest. i didnt think i would still be into avatar for this long lmao#i thought id lose the brainrot at around month three so i had to finish the fic before then#and yet. month 7 and i draw spider in my sketchbook every day. i think about him every spare minute.#the brainrot is still kicking and im happy#anyway here i go to dive back into that fic and add even more angst and whump and maybe another hug. if spider is lucky#i also want to write a little one shot about Ngaire properly taking care of spider after something bad happens#but idk if people wanna read OC stuff and its certainly not my comfort zone so i might keep it to myself#N E WAY this was the biggest and dumbest ramble to myself about my own fics lmao i should really shut up and just go write :’)
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#need to say this somewhere but i CANT STAND ****** GODDDDDDDDDDD#me seeing the new kiss animation like i dont care that something good happened to you it shpuldve happened to me.jpg#is it bad im itching to kill him in my evil run.#i don't even know where this hatred comes from its completely unfounded i admit#but his presence fills me with an indescribable rage.#ill say in my last run i was quite thankful he was the one who got abducted#i was like okay....anyways......let me do every other side quest first now#anyways i need to take a break bc of course i installed.mods and then they patched the game the next day#and i dont wanna fuck around too much until they get fixed saur...#ive done like 2 hours on evildurge and i managed to somehow trigger astarion bite on the first long rest. gurl what!#well technically it was the 3rd but the first 2 i just did partial rests to get the durge scenes and i didnt have any companions so..#but yeah like. i didnt even leave the grove. so wtf#meanwhile on my goodurge it took forever to trigger???#so weird. idk wtf happened.#okay goodnight.#h.txt
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context for today’s rant is that i got the feedback on my jury’s written feedback in the ‘general’ section (meaning it comes from more than one person) that i’m disrespectful towards my teachers and fellow students (i got it phrased in 2 different ways for flavour) & when i asked around today who said this so i could see how i could change my behaviour (btw none of my fellow students think this which i know bc i asked and everyone was shocked that i got this feedback) all of them were ‘i dont think this but it was discussed that’ which is funny bc it means the school’s computer system has a ghost or no one wants to fucking apologise to me for a very personal and hurtful comment that they can’t back up, but anyway, i was asking for clarification & my most diplomatic teacher (who i dont for a second believe to have written this feedback bc she’d have said so to my face no doubt) was like “well some teachers are worried about you and [best friend]’s clique & think it might turn into an Intellectuals Vs Others thing” (i don’t need to tell you this is so fucking out there i nearly fell from my seat like i have never said this in my life and when this very teacher saying this made a comment about one of my less-well read fellow students i was one of the ones who ‘‘rallied’‘ or whatever in her favour) and anyway then she continued “some ppl feel like u make condescending comments & you just need to remember not everyone has had your trajectory in life” WHICH IS FUNNY because she says this bc my bestie’s got a whole philosophy degree but i’m a highschool dropout with a lower than average iq in certain subjects. which obviously isnt even close to being the point and i do know that but i’m clearly feeling very upset and mad about this whole situation.
#my mom says i shouldnt let this embitter me but i think they should either find an example of when ive been disrespectful#or apologise to me and take it off the written feedback#i had to sit there and listen to everyone say that they dont think im disrespectful which is so fucking humiliating#because i KNOW that. but i still spent all weekend long worried out of my mind & i sat there trembling like a leaf and fucking crying#because i feel so betrayed by all these people im ngl. like im supposed to open myself up to these people and i DO#and be vulnerable with them and i AM#and yet when something like this comment is thrown around in a feedback discussion no one stands up for me?#& i know that they dont like. know all of us individually THAT well like i know that im vulnerable and open with them and they dont like#remember specifics#but theres only 14 ppl in my class which granted is a lot but its not enough to just forget that ive never done anything disrespectful#to any one of my fellow students#in the words of my favourite wrestler: This Has Hurt Me.#and in the words of my best friend who is mentioned in the post: kinda sus the only two people who got this type of feedback#(she didnt get it QUITE so harshly but she got the feedback that she should be a little more considerate towards other students#which is still nonsense because literally like everyone else said she's the one we'd all come to if we ever had a problem)#but kinda sus that the only ppl getting this feedback are the two neurodivergents in the class#whatever. whatever whatever ive been crying im upset im somehow even more upset by one of my teachers being like#'this isnt ok esp this phrasing & i'm gonna look into this' like she's super nice and sweet and it does make me feel better#but its also like. confirmation that i SHOULD feel upset somehow? idk. oh it sucks so fucking bad#& i told one of the other ones about this in terms of like 'listen i have autism i dont always know how to interact w ppl#so when i do this or that this is what i mean' and she was like 'wow ive learned so much this discussion has enriched me'#werent the point bestie. the point was for you to please stop making assumptions when i am not the only person to react in this way#very unhappy right now. this has hurt me dot tweet
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I cannot sleep at all ;w;
#it has not fully settled in but i think it will just take a long long time#i keep expecting something bad even though i am so comfortable here#it isnt even a present time feeling i dont think#i am afraid even though there is now distance.. the little one does not feel the distance maybe#does not realize. it has not fully sank in because not every part is aware of#the present. and then on top of that this is just so much#after everything i am okay only because other people made it so. and somehow it feels as if it could reach back#and touch the past. i am okay because other people made it so. a loop has finally been closed#that i didnt even realize was left open. i cant say i dont understand why i was so avoidant of asking#for help or needing help because 'if i need what i cant have im doomed either way why bother it hurts' was understandable#coming from that kind of nightmareish perfect storm. it feels like a nightmare now#that i have just woken up from. it doesnt feel real even though i am trying to hold onto at least#that i still need to go to therapy even if 'well *I* am not [part] so that never happened to me go away' is taking hold again#with more denial being even easier because now nothing bad is happening currently to me#what a trip. there was always fear and now its absence causes it somehow#there was always fear. and i was so obsessed with death because it was a comfort to at least get to know what i felt so close to me always#and now its breath is off my neck and only because people have been kind. it was not for any of my struggling on my own#all of that aside from what kept me alive was really fruitless. i have always needed others. it feels really strange#to say that now looking back at how i managed despite having no-one but it was not like the need was not there#it was even worse for being so totally unfulfilled. this is all so strange#some part of me feels afraid that the only way something this good could happen is if we are about to die#but i think that is a little silly. and it is so lovely to be able to say to the younger selves that it has gotten better#and they can be here with me where it is better. and nobody will hurt us anymore and it is safe and they are loved and every single wish#has been granted. it sounds so corny to say it that way but it really feels like it is so miraculous as to be impossible - if not for#experiencing it id have never believed this possible. that we can be safe at least from those harms#that time was all nothing.. it was nothing. 22 years full of barely anything worth living up til a few months that changed every single#thing. every single thing. how did i even live? it feels like breathing air for the first time#i have gone my whole life without feeling this and now i think i dont know how i ever made it through#but oh my god i am so glad i did#i am so glad i did.
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#hey all u lil babies#u lil post 2000 babies all on this site#everything is bad sure but also trust me on this being in ur 30s is rad#this isnt a bit being older is truly amazing#as long as you dont have kids ur golden i promise#take it from me an old drunk who didnt graudatr hs and somehow works at a global conglomerate#the future is wack and who even know have fun kids#happy ny
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and i know i sound pissed and i AM but im not pissed at them for leaving. im pissed at them for not, oh, idk, maybe fucking telling me even ONCE that they were seriously worried before deciding to force me into moving in with my parents when i was in the middle of fucking studying with someone?? and then im literally not allowed to talk to either of them for a week??? despite the fact that theyve literally created my worst fucking nightmare and they KNOW i dont want to live with my fucking parents??? and then they expect me to still want to meet up when the week is up???? like, the last time i saw yall you literally fucking strategized against me lmao. idk how they want me to trust them when i now know for a fact that they spend time planning how to handle me.
#im still gonna go when they tell me to#but it's gonna be fucking awful for all of us#unless they somehow have some magic phrase that's gonna make me trust them again#which they wont#bc there isnt anything to say#the fact of the matter is i fucked up#and i get that#im not trying to pretend i didnt#but i dont know how or why or if they think im gonna move past this#like it's one thing to say “oh u had a fucky dysregulated week let's just pretend that never happened as long as you get more stable”#or even “it turns out we're not equipped to handle you and it's not your fault but we shouldnt spend time together anymore”#i literally fucking suggested that#why the fuck would you take this route#literally any other fucking option would be better
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