#it almost made me cry on the bus once while on my way home from work | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mirkwoodshewolf · 7 months ago

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No following; Planet of the apes fanfic Chap. 9

*Author's note*

Now here is where the story plot truly takes a shine as Lin and Caesar finally stand before each other and Lin tries to get the dam up and running along with Malcolm and his team, all the while trying to hide her past from the rest of the surviving people of San Francisco.

Taglist:

@plethora-of-things

@waddles03

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels

@gay-and-ready-to-cry

@queen-paladin

@psychosupernatural

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I woke up like clockwork at the butt-crack of dawn. Jesus even with these pills I still can’t escape military protocol. For once I’d like to sleep eternally without waking up. I stretched myself out like a cat before getting up and walked over to the kitchen to see Malcolm and his family eating breakfast.

“Morning Lin.” Malcolm greeted me.

“Morning everyone.”

“How did you sleep?” asked Ellie.

“As fine as anyone can these days.” I responded. Malcolm stood up from the table and handed me a plate filled with food rations. “No.”

“Come on, even someone as hardcore as you needs to eat.” He told me.

“I eat breakfast, I just eat my own. I’m not taking parts of your family’s rations.”

“Everyone in the colony looks after each other. It’s how we’ve managed to survive this long. And like it or not you are a part of the colony now. Please Lin.” I looked between Malcolm and his family before hesitantly reaching out for the plate.

When suddenly the alarms started blaring throughout the entire colony. Already we could hear people from outside people starting to race down the stairs in a panic.

“Get dressed.” I ordered as I grabbed my rifle and was the first to leave their little home.

By the main gate, the crowd was in a panicked uproar as I tried to make my way up towards the catwalk where Dreyfus stood. Once I got to the stairway, I ran over to him and was shocked at what I saw just over the wall.

Caesar stood there riding a black stallion wearing what appeared to be war paint covering his entire body, and behind him was a whole army of apes bearing the same style of war paint as he did. Some riding on horses, but every single one of them held a spear in hand to let all of us know they meant business.

“That’s a hell of a lot more than 80!” Dreyfus said over the alarm. I turned to see that Malcolm had now joined up with us.

“It’s a scare tactic!” I proclaimed over the sound of the alarm.

“A what?!”

“They’re trying to intimidate us! Show us their numbers and size! If they wanted us dead they wouldn’t just be standing there! But you idiots start firing your guns and there will be bloodshed!” I then went down just as the alarms were cut off and the doors began to open.

There I was the first to walk out and keep my focus solely on Caesar. I still can’t believe that he’s really alive, I can’t believe I had given up on him surviving the forest fires, he is after all a very special chimp.

“Lin!” I heard Dreyfus call out to me. But I ignored him as I slowly walked closer to Caesar before I briefly paused. Caesar kept his eyes on me before urging his horse forward and I resumed my walking until finally the two of us stood before the other. Time and the world almost seemed to fade away as it was just the two of us.

The brief softness in his eyes as he looked at me quickly hardened as he turned his attention towards the colony and he proclaimed.

“APES!” hearing him speak made chills go up my body but it filled everyone else (besides Malcolm and the others who heard him speak yesterday) with fear. Caesar continued, “DO NOT…WANT. WAR! BUT WILL…FIGHT! IF. WE MUST!” he then turned to a younger male chimp and gave him a nod.

The younger male got off his horse and in his hand he held Alexander’s bag that he had left behind after we got startled by Caesar and the apes. The young male chimp had the exact same war paint as Caesar did and he did resemble Caesar a bit from when he was that age, could this be his son?

He held out the bag but as I went to grab it, he dropped it at my feet before turning around and headed back to his horse. I reached down and grabbed Alexander’s bag before turning back to Caesar. His eyes glaring at the colony as he proclaimed while pointing behind him.

“APE HOME!” he then pointed at the colony’s building, “HUMAN. HOME!” His eyes then turned to me, his face still stern but his eyes glaring at me not as threatening but he still wanted me to know. “Do not come back.”

I gulped harshly as I tried to keep my emotions at bay as Caesar then urged his horse and his people away. As all the apes soon left, there was one ape that lingered behind. From his war paint I could see the scarred side of his face and his eyes were blazing with nothing but hatred.

He remained glaring down at me growling lowly as he stayed there until almost every single ape had left before he too finally left to join the others. I let out an exhale but I knew that this was only the calm before the storm.

And boy was I right. The second the apes had left the city, the colony was in a panicked uproar. Everyone crowding each other as they clamored and try to outvoice the other’s panic.

I stuck to the far back as I could so that I wouldn’t be caught up in the panicked crowd. Now this is exactly how I remembered this building to be. Hundreds of thousands of people in a state of mindless panic, too afraid and too stupid to allow anyone to speak to them, and now I’m just waiting for the accusations to start happening.

“EVERYBODY! PLEASE! WE ARE ALL IMMUNE!” Dreyfus called out using a megaphone. “WE ARE ALL IMMUNE OR WE STILL WOULDN’T BE HERE!”

“HOW DID THEY FIND US!?” proclaimed one man as the crowd then roared in agreement.

“WE FOUND THEM!” Dreyfus answered.

“YOU KNEW THEY WERE OUT THERE!” proclaimed another man.

“WHAT IF THEY COME BACK!?” screamed out a woman. The crowd all cried out agreeing with the woman, to which Dreyfus told them.

“IF THEY COME BACK—IF THEY COME BACK, THEY’LL BE SORRY THEY EVER DID!” The crowd slowly began to die down but I could still feel the paranoia in the air. “NOW, THIS CITY MAY NOT HAVE THE MANPOWER IT ONCE DID, BUT IT HAS THE FIREPOWER. THOSE STOCKPILES LEFT BEHIND BY FEMA, THE NATIONAL GUARD, WE HAVE IT ALL. LOOK…”

Dreyfus paused for a moment to compose himself as he spoke his next speech into the megaphone.

“I KNOW WHY YOU’RE SCARED. I’M SCARED TOO, BELIEVE ME. BUT I RECOGNIZE THE TRUST YOU’VE ALL PLACED IN ME. WE’VE BEEN THROUGH HELL TOGETHER!” Trust me Dreyfus, you don’t know the first thing about hell.

Yeah San Fransisco began ground zero from when the outbreak hit, then the riots and civil unrest but that’s only a taste of what I’ve seen in the rest of the world. They’ve been through hell, but I have seen it with my own two eyes.

“BUT YOU ALL KNOW WHAT WE’RE UP AGAINST. WE’RE ALMOST OUT OF FUEL. WHICH MEANS NO MORE POWER, WHICH MEANS WE COULD SLIP BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE THAT DAM UP THERE WAS THE ANSWER. NOW WE JUST HAD NO IDEA THEY WERE UP THERE TOO.”

“SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW!?” exclaimed another woman as the crowd went into another uproar.

“WE FIND ANOTHER WAY…” the crowd slowly quietened down as Dreyfus continued, “BECAUSE THAT POWER….IS NOT JUST ABOUT KEEPING THE LIGHTS ON. IT’S ABOUT GIVING US THE TOOLS TO RECONNECT TO THE REST OF THE WORLD. TO FIND OUT WHO ELSE IS OUT THERE!” some people started nodding and doing hail Mary’s. “SO THAT WE CAN START TO REBUILD…..AND RECLAIM….THE WORLD WE LOST.” With that being said, the crowd dispersed and everyone went on trying to get back to their normal routine.

Both Malcolm and I waited for Dreyfus in the hallway near his sleeping quarters. As Dreyfus came up Malcolm said.

“That was a great speech.”

“Yeah, did you write it down first or did it just pop into your head?” I asked snidely.

“Lin not now.” Malcolm warned me. He stood up and told Dreyfus, “There is no alternative power source. That dam is the only option.” Dreyfus slowly walked towards us before saying.

“Well, then we fight them.” I chuckled madly. “What you think that’s funny Lin?” Dreyfus demanded.

“I think it’s hilarious. Cause this just proves why humanity lost more lives than the Simian Flu. Humans are always so quick to violence. Intelligent thinking, that’s just a bunch of egotistical bullshit. Just because someone has bigger balls than you, you think it’s alright to start a war.”

“They’re animals Lin. They may have the numbers but we have the fire power, just as I said.”

“Yeah but you underestimate your opponents and they’ll find your weakness. Apes were already smarter than humans before given the drug, now they’re beyond intelligent. If you want a war, you’ll fight without my help.”

“Then what else would you suggest? We’re two weeks from running out of fuel, maybe three tops. And once that happens, I won’t be able to go out there with a bullhorn and calm everybody down.” He said as he walked up to me, the two of us standing almost chest to chest with each other. But I held my stance as I had my arms crossed.

He then turned to Malcolm and walked over to him and stood across from him saying.

“We need that power to get the radio transmitter working. It’s our only chance of reaching the outside world. We have to find other survivors.”

“Yeah, there’s not that many of us left. We can’t afford any more casualties.” Malcolm agreed. Hate to tell yah boys but you won’t find much luck in the outside world. The places I have seen, they’ve been wiped out completely of any chance of human contact.

As the two of them went on about how they founded the colony together, I stepped aside and took some deep breaths. This whole world created because my uncle wanted to save my grandpa’s life. To give him a second chance…..sometimes I wonder if it’s a blessing or a curse. And if any of these guys find out that I’m directly related to the man who caused all this…..God help me.

“Let me go back up there.” I then stated. The two men stopped and looked at me. I turned back to them and I continued, “I can go up there and talk to him. Just give me a few days and….”

“And what if it backfires? What if he gets violent? I mean, how do you know that he’ll even understand you?”

“War is the last thing he wants, or don’t you remember what he just said? The apes don’t want war, but if you give them a reason to, they will. They could’ve ambushed us and slaughtered us all in the dead of night, they didn’t. They could’ve started the war right there at our doorstep, but they didn’t. Shall I go on?” Dreyfus was beyond words then Malcolm said.

“I’ll go too.” I gave him a harsh glare but he said, “I don’t doubt you Lin but you’ll need a team of workers and one in particular who knows how the dam works.” I let out a groan at the mention of Carver’s name. He turned to Dreyfus and said, “Give us three days, if we don’t get the dam working in three days, we’ll do it your way.” Dreyfus took a long pause to ponder and gather his thoughts.

“I’m gonna take some men up to Fort Point, I’m gonna go through the armor, I’m gonna see what’s still working. Three days. You’re not back here in three days, we’re going up there and we’re gonna kill every last one of them.”

My heart clenched and my blood boiled but I kept my emotions down. I couldn’t risk exposing the truth now.

“Deal.” Malcolm said as the two men turned to me.

“Agreed. I’ll tell Kemp and Foster, you can talk to trigger-happy douchebag.” I said heading back down the stairs to find Foster and Kemp to let them know what was going on.

I managed to the two lug heads and I informed them of what Dreyfus and Malcolm had decided to do. I helped them load the trucks and soon the rest of the team came along, including Ellie and Alexander. Normally I’d try to convince Malcolm to leave his kid behind cause I can’t guarantee his safety, but truthfully he’s better at his dad’s side with the apes than staying here with a bunch of triggered, paranoid humans.

Once we got the trucks all packed up once again with the supplies we needed, as well as camping gear Carver took the driver’s seat and he led us on the drive back to the Redwoods.

As we drove along, the weather suddenly shifted from cloudy to rainy once again. The rain was hard and heavy and without human interference to keep Mother Nature at bay, it practically made it impossible to navigate the winding roads but somehow Carver actually managed to get us back to the main entrance of the red woods.

“No one gets out of the trucks. No one.” I said after Carver cut off the engine. “If I’m not back in two hours….”

“I’m coming in after you.” Malcolm interrupted me.

“No. You all will head back to the city.”

“Lin.”

“I mean it Malcolm. I’m not letting anyone else get hurt. No one back at the colony would care if I got lost. But if any of you get hurt, Dreyfus wouldn’t hesitate to go back on his word. You all go back to the city and not say a word to anyone. Promise?” Malcolm and I had a hard staring contest at each other before he relented.

“Alright.” I pulled up my poncho hood and opened the car door before leaving and headed up the trail.

The mud was extra slippery and the rain felt like being pelted by paintballs. But I pushed on and followed the same road path until I came to the trail where we first came across the apes yesterday. I heard a rustle of a bush and I quickly turned before slowly taking out my sniper rifle.

I heard the rustle again and I slowly raised my gun up, my eye resting over the scope but soon a familiar white figure came out from the bushes.

“Kiba.” I said setting the gun down. His piercing yellow eyes stared at me and he let out a huff. “Are the others alright? The apes didn’t find you did they?” his ear twitched as he continued to stare at me. “All these years of talking to Caesar make me forget that you can’t sign, let alone talk. Now I don’t know if you can really understand me, but I understand. It was the apes that got to you and Tsume that day, wasn’t it? Do you remember where their home was?”

Kiba’s eyes remained fixated on me before he hopped off the boulder and walked ahead. He stopped and turned to look back at me and he let out a grunt. I picked up my gun and followed behind the large white wolf.

He took me further up steep hills and sharp down drops and when I began to see all the animal skulls decorated above the trees, I had a feeling in my stomach that I was close. Kiba then stopped and growled anxiously, his head down as his eyes stared straight ahead. His body stiff and his fur began riling up on end even through the rain.

“Okay, I won’t let you walk any further, I’ll take it from here. Go rejoin the others.” Kiba looked up at me and I gave him a head gesture to go back. He let out a huffed bark before heading off back into the woods. I looked back at the animal skulls. Some hanging off of tree branches or trunks, other tied by string almost as if they were decorations. “While we’ve done reefs, flags, and banners for decorations, apparently apes prefer the elephant graveyard look as part of their exterior design.”

I followed the animal skulls until I came up to a small pathway, and the second I turned into it, I was greeted by desolate fortress. When the military had burned the Redwoods all those years ago, they didn’t start at the very entrance of the forest, no they went for the heart of it in hopes that it would cut off any escape routes the apes could take.

But through this desolation they survived and now they’ve turned it into a fortress of wood and mud with a large gateway entry up ahead of the muddy pathway. Some of the wood had been sharpened like spears and were pointed outward as a warning to any and all that may enter.

“I would make a King Kong joke right about now but A) it’s not the time, and B) the fact I’m literally about to walk into the World of apes, isn’t something to joke about.” I said to myself as I pushed onward and walked towards the gateway.

As I walked under the bridge, my heart was racing and a hundred thoughts were going through my head. There’s no way this place is just left here unguarded. There had to be something waiting for me, a boobytrap, a guard, or an ambush. Something. There’s no way Caesar would just leave this place unguarded, especially now.

The sound of soft clanking suddenly caught my attention and I slowly closed my eyes as I felt my body tighten up. Ever so slowly I turned around and opened my eyes to reveal a large, silverback gorilla coming out from the side of the fortress wall.

He growled lowly as he stood over me, showing me his dominance and size over me. I raised my hands in surrender as I said.

“Please, I need to speak with Caesar.” I said while remembering to not make direct eye contact. Caroline taught me that unlike chimps, direct eye contact to gorillas is a sign of a challenge, so it’s always best to not make direct eye contact with them. The silverback continued to stare me down until it let out a loud roar.

I let out a yelp as I crouched down trying to make myself as small as possible but I looked up and soon saw more gorillas coming out from each side of the fortress. I soon found myself surrounded by about 5 maybe seven silverbacks and the one who let out the call huffed at the others.

I bit my lip trying to suppress any sound as I buried myself into the mud and tried to stay as still as I could (even though my body was shaking with absolute fear). I heard some of them sniffing at me, huffing and grunting as they spoke to each other before I felt a tug at my ankles. I was at first dragged aways before two more gorillas grabbed me by the arms and they began to carry me further into the Ape Fortress.

I could only look above me as chimps and bonobos swung and leapt over the roof over me, chattering and shrieking frantically. Letting everyone in the troop know that a human had entered their home. Maybe this was a mistake, any of these apes could easily kill me, hell I could’ve been ripped apart by the silverbacks just earlier but being beaten to death by thousands of apes did not sound like a way I’d want to go out.

After what felt like an eternity, I was soon dropped to the ground before being pulled up by my poncho. I kept my hands above my head as I now stood before an army of chimps and bonobos.

A moment ago it had been an uproar of apes sounding out the alarm of my arrival, but the second I was forced to stand up an eerie silence now hung in the air. All the apes glared at me, especially a scarred bonobo that looked vaguely familiar but I couldn’t remember.

He slowly came up to me as he stood on the opposite side of me where the silverback who first saw me stood at my left side. Cautiously I walked forward, keeping my arms raised in surrender as the apes all crowded around me but allowed me passage.

I tried to put my focus onto the various nests and buildings that had been built within the fortress. Caesar had built such a home for these apes, that I couldn’t be any prouder, and I know the rest of the family would’ve been proud too, especially uncle Will. And speaking of which, at the top of a large stone platform, Caesar soon stood on top of it, his posture tall and firm as he looked down at me.

When I was now at the stone’s platform, the scarred bonobo and the silverback pushed me into the mud by my shoulders as I let out a grunt.

“Please, please.” I spoke up. I looked up at Caesar and he looked down at me, a hint of disappointment in his green eyes. “I know Caesar, I know. No following. But I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t important.” I made sure to stay on my knees, not to make any sudden movements and kept my hands on behind my head now. “Just hear me out.” I asked him. “They’re scared Caesar, the people at the colony are scared and almost losing hope. But there’s something here, something in your part of the woods that the colony needs.”

“HUMAN LIES!!” the bonobo to my right exclaimed which caused the apes to uproar.

“NO! NO! I’m not lying!” I tried to tell them. I turned back to Caesar and pleaded, “You know I would never lie to you, when have I ever lied to you? Please believe me!” the apes continued to cry out but Caesar remained stoic on top of his rock as he looked down at all of us.

From the corner of my eye, I saw the spear that the bonobo had, he now flipped over and had the spear part of it pointed directly at me ready to skewer me if Caesar gave the command. Tears filled my eyes as I mouthed out another please to Caesar, desperate for him to see reason.

He held up his hand and all went silent once again. I couldn’t hear anything but the sound of my heart racing in my ears. But soon Caesar spoke.

“Show….me.” a strong wave of relief came over me after he had said that. But my relief soon turned to fear was I heard a growl from behind me and from my peripheral vision I saw the spear ready to skewer my like a wild boar. “NO!!!!” Caesar cried in an uproar.

He jumped from the platform and took the spear away from the bonobo. The two of them staring each other down before the bonobo relented. Caesar turned back to face me, he slowly extended his hand out and gently grabbed my arm and helped me stand up.

“Show. Me.” He said again. I nodded then Caesar signed out. ‘Ape Council, follow her.’ Caesar then turned to me and gave me a nod. I then walked out and the selected few apes followed behind Caesar and I.

Following Carver’s directions, I took them deeper into the woods until we came to the river where a small beach-like area rested along the mountains and just across the river was the dam. Of course I would’ve preferred if he had told me that we had to walk across a wet, narrowed log path to get to the dam but that’s Carver for yah.

I took a deep breath and slowly took a step onto the logs. Already my foot started to slip as the log also began wobbling beneath my foot. I got lower and tried to climb on top like an ape but all that did was make me fall off and land on the other logs.

“Goddamn that hurts.” I groaned. I got up and saw as all the apes were now just staring at me. I got up brushing off the pain and said, “It’s right across the lake. It’s the only safe way to cross.” I tried again but my muddy hand once again forced me to slip and I landed this time face first into the logs. “Oh Carver I’m going to kick your ass.” I groaned softly.

I got up again but before I could try again, Caesar stopped me and I turned to him saying.

“No, no I can do this. I swear this time I’ll get it.” I glared at the logs and proceeded to walk up them once again, I got a bit further but just when I thought I could safely stand up, the log shifted and I went rolling down the logs and into the river.

I breached with a gasp as I rubbed my face of the runny mud. Is this my karma? Cause if it is, this is beyond embarrassing. It’d be bad enough if Malcolm or any of the others saw me but I’m humiliating myself in front of Caesar and his people. I swam back to shore before walking along the pebbled shore and I let out a sharp sigh and extended my arms out in surrender.

“I got wet.” I heard what sounded like a mixture of a chuff and a laugh from the scarred bonobo as Caesar came up to me. “Once again you beat me in the art of balance. I never did get better at it. But I swear to you there’s no other way to get to the dam other than this way. However I wasn’t told just how’d we cross it, I thought there’d be like a more modern bridge to get us there but nooo.” Caesar looked at me pitifully before grunting out.

“Luca.” The silverback gorilla who I met at the entrance of the gate came forward and Caesar signed to him. ‘Carry her.’ Luca grunted in annoyance but one look from Caesar and Luca trudged up to me. He let out a few grunts before picking me up and placing me on his back.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he now climbed up the logs and successfully walked across them, followed by the others. I buried my face into Luca’s fur ashamed and said to him.

“I’m so sorry.” Luca didn’t respond as he continued to walk across the bridge. Finally we reached the end of the bridge and arrived at the entrance to the dam. Luca set me down and I went up to the metal door and muttered. “Alright, military strength don’t fail me now.” I grabbed a hold of the metal handle and pushed it downward before forcing the door open.

Letting out a few grunts as I pushed the door with all my might until finally it cracked open with a loud screech. I smirked and pushed the door further inward until the door was fully opened.

“Holy shit. The cowardly bastard was right.” I muttered. I turned to Caesar and said, “Follow me.” I entered inside and walked down the staircase where the main controls were as I explained, “This is what we used to call a ‘small hydro.’ It was built to service areas to the north of here, but we’ve been working to reroute the power lines to the city. The city used to run on nuclear power but that all burned out years ago, so we’ve been using diesel generators and gasifiers. But if we can just get this dam working, then we have a shot at restoring limited power.”

Caesar and the rest of the apes merely looked at me. I came down from the main control panels and stood before Caesar.

“I made a fool of myself out there trying to walk the bridge, please tell me I made at least some sense in explaining all that.”

“The….lights.” Caesar said to me. I smiled a true genuine smile for what felt like—an eternity as I nodded to him.

“Yes. Yes the city lights.” I looked back at all the apes before diverting my attention back to Caesar. “This is your home, I know that. And we don’t want to take any of it away from you. And I know it’s been a decade since we last saw one another, but I swear to you, on my life, that if you allow us to work here—”

“You…brought others?” the scarred bonobo sneered as he walked over to me. But Caesar kept both him and the other two apes that stood behind the bonobo at bay.

“Only a few.” I said looking at him, trying to show him that I wasn’t afraid of his intimidation tactics anymore. I turned back to Caesar and continued my statement, “If you allow us to work here, we’ll leave. Good or bad outcome we’ll leave your home and never come back. No following.” I then did something that surprised the apes.

I got down to my knees and extended my right hand into the supplicating gesture that Caesar used to do for us. I heard the apes all gibbering and hooting in awe. I didn’t look up at Caesar, I wanted him to know that he was in control of the decision and that I wouldn’t try to suade him with a look in my eyes.

“No…guns.” I heard him say. I looked up at him and repeated.

“No guns?”

“No….guns.” he said in a more firmer tone. I nodded and repeated this time in understandment.

“No guns.” I bowed my head again and this time I felt his fingers brush across my palm, accepting my gesture and the deal.

I stood up and with one arm raised up, but with my free hand I remove my rifle strap from my chest. Ever so slowly I took it off my shoulders and made sure to not grab it with my other hand. I then held out the rifle to him and he looked at me.

“You said no guns.” He then took my rifle out of my hand and handed it to a balding chimpanzee who let out a few grunts of anger as he stared at my sniper rifle. “Thank you.”

#planet of the apes #planet of the apes fanfic #planet of the apes fanfiction #planet of the apes x reader #planet of the apes imagine #planet of the apes imagines #dawn of the planet of the apes #caesar #caesar x oc #caesar x reader #caesar imagine #caesar imagines #caesar fanfic #caesar fanfiction

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gladosluver · 3 months ago

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storytime/lore: i was followed home

IMPORTANT INFO: my region has no sidewalks, so to get home everyday i cross the roadway (legally) and 100% do not trespass at all. if i had a car to drive, i would, and if i could take the bus, i would, but public transport doesnt pass through this part. IF YOU HAVE A CAR, YOU ARE USING IT. THERE IS NO REASON YOU SHOULD BE WALKING AROUND WHERE I LIVE.

okay onto the story now... my school is in another region so a bus brings me from there to another school, and i walk from that school to my house (about 10 min walk). today while going home i was waiting to cross the VERY BUSY street, and i see an all black LARGE VAN stop 40-50m away from where i was and this guy, also dressed in all black, steps out. and he started walking MY direction

(artist rendition below. thats my ugly persona btw i dont look that nice. those are also my beautiful eyes <3 sorry for staring into them without permission.........)

now like.. thats so weird. SO WEIRD. theres no reason you should be walking when YOU HAVE A CAR. ive lived here for at least 7 years and i have only seen someone walk on this road ONCE.

since i wait right next to the road im 1-2m away from oncoming traffic. its dangerous. now im waiting for all the cars to pass so i can (legally) cross the street, and at this point this random guy is like 20m away. luckily all the cars passed and i (legally) ran fast as hell across. i walked about 3 blocks before turning around and HES STILL FUCKING THERE. WALKING ON THE OTHER SIDE. PICKING UP THE PACE AND LOOKING AT ME.

this was in BROAD DAYLIGHT. additionally there was an event going on IN FRONT OF THE SCHOOL where LAW ENFORCEMENT came over to educate the kids and was showing them different police cars, fire trucks, etc. WHY ATTEMPT TO FOLLOW ME WHEN THE POLICE ARE RIGHT THERE??

so i texted my friends. i have 2 irl friends i talk to outside of school. ive got like 5 irl friends in total so there wasnt really anyone else i could cry for help to, since my parents are at work for most of the day and night, and i have almost no living relatives here

about 4 blocks from my house i pass an intersection that goes into another neighbourhood where there was a someone in a car waiting for their kid to be dropped off. i speed-walked 3 blocks down and when i turned around there was ANOTHER RANDOM ASS GUY at the intersection looking in my direction. he looked like he was being yelled at by the guy in the car (i guess he suspected he was following me). the intersection is also at the top of a hill with some trees in the way, so when he looked away I RAN FAST AS HELL ACROSS THE ROAD.

i didnt even care that there were 6 cars coming from either side. i just thought "if i get hit, i get hit. if its my time to go then so be it" but halfway through i remembered something. you wanna know what i fucking remembered? what made me break out into a SPRINT? i have undiagnosed health problems that make walking up STAIRS a challenge, and i you wanna know why i started SPRINTING AS FAST AS I COULD? i remembered that stupid danganronpa dub. i thought of how disappointed everyone would be if i literally got kidnapped and never got to finish it. so i ran. i ran home. i got inside, shaking and panting heavily, which didnt stop for hours, but at least i was safe. at least i could finish it. my true purpose....... dubganronpa...

the reason i took to tumblr was because i literally had nobody else to tell. again, i know like. 5 people. i worded this post so cryptically because i didnt want anyone to be concerned if i just blurted out "SOMEONES FOLLOWING ME I THINK THEY MIGHT KIDNAP ME" so i said it discreetly and kinda goofy so yall would KNOW something was up, but in a half-serious half-joking way cuz thats how i cope with awful strange events in my life

it left me with so many questions.. why would you stop next to a busy road to walk somewhere when you have a car CLEARLY available? theres people who like <1 minute away from the school who use cars because walking is so dangerous. the only reason i walk is because I LITERALLY HAVE NO OTHER OPTION. walking anywhere in my region is BEYOND a last resort. hell, ive contemplated driving illegally before i decided on walking home.

i cant even think of anything i did wrong to get followed by some strangers. to my knowledge, i havent done anything to piss anyone off since first year. why me? what do I have that YOU want.. i just dub danganronpa anime and give it more homoerotic undertones.. is that really a crime?

now that im thinking back on the incident i realize i did have a few certain long sharp objects in my bag that i cannot name here (for self defense and also art supplies) AND MY BAG WEIGHTS ALMOST 3 KILOS?? IF I WHIPPED THAT AROUND AND HIT SOMEONE I THINK IT WOULD DO SOME DAMAGE

anyways im safe. for now. this weekend is going to be spent emailing my school asking them to make a bus stop at my house since the bus literally PASSES my house on the way to the school. i dont live in a neighbourhood, i live on the side of the road. its right there. why cant they drop me off man

GLADOSLUVER OUT

#gladosluver a scary bitch behind you #fuck my stupid baka life #BIG LORE DROP #lore #storytime #tw kidnap mention #for those who need it

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lunar-soldier · 2 years ago

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O Sol E A Lua (a moonknight x reader fanfic)

(The future chapters for this fanfic shall be posted via wattpad and AO3, but I wanted to give the tumblr people a taste of the first chapter on here!)

(Also, two things:

>I write very spaced out, mainly because it’s easier for me to process while reading. if you don’t enjoy reading fanfics in that style, this will NOT be for you

>this fanfic will include ALL alters, not just one, so keep that in mind!

Other than that, enjoy! :-) )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You fiddled with the ring on your finger while looking out the window. The sound of chattering kids on the bus had caused you to space out, so you we're occupying yourself with your own thoughts once again. If past you had seen current you, they would be laughing at how silly your whole situation was at this moment. You, a previous military soldier, now watching over a bunch of kids on a field trip to the museum? You were definitely too overqualified for this job. However, your mother had insisted you volunteer for this to watch over your youngest sibling. You don't know if she had noticed you distancing yourself from everyone again, or if she saw this as a prime opportunity to have you and your little brother bond, but both were completely in the realm of possibility. After all, she knew how this month was hard for you.

It was the month he died.

A loud hiss snapped you out of your trance-like thoughts as you realized you had made it to your destination. Once the last kid had walked out, you quickly followed behind as you helped guide the kids up the stairs to the looming building ahead. It was huge, you had never seen a museum as expansive up close before. Hell, you hadn't seen the inside of a museum at ALL, save for watching the Night at the Museum franchise, but you highly doubted you would see any little cowboys or Roman soldiers in here. As far as you knew, this place specialized in some ancient civilization or another, but you forgot which one they-

Towering pillars with various drawings and a few ancient sarcophagus remnants hinted at the theme of the whole place. Ancient Egypt. You knew that you were going to some art museum, but it seems they currently had some Egyptian exhibit going on. Fate had some sick sense of humor, considering how his last mission was related to such ruins. And of all the months too, it had to be this one.

A sheet of ice coated over your heart as you continued through the tour with the rest of the children. It's just for an hour, you could survive this!! Adjusting your blue jean button up, you walk past a brightly lit gift shop, noticing a couple of people in your peripheral.

"...looks like another school is comin' in today! Aww, don't they look cute Donna?"

"Steve, if I wanted to spend my time at work watching some kids, I'd be a stay at home mom. Just keep tagging those plushies, please!"

You paid no mind to the conversation from the gift shop, maybe once you cleared your head you could stop by, but your main goal was to stop yourself from crying in front of everyone.

"...it is said that Hathor was not only the goddess of love, but also music!"

Ok yeah, this was getting very boring

After about 45 minutes of chatter about things that you had almost no interest about, you decided to actually take a peak at the gift shop. With no one in sight as you walked in, you wondered if everyone from earlier had went to lunch? Never the less, you gazed at all of the cheap Knick Knacks and plushies. God, these were all way too cheaply made for WAY too high a price.

Fossil digging kits, gem stone creation kits...slime kits? How is any of this actually history related?

However, one little thing did catch your eye.

It was a small pair of earrings, that had a circle with a line along the bottom, and both shapes being wrapped together with another small piece of metal. You assumed it had to be some type of god's symbol, or even some symbol of death or whatever, but again, Egyptian mythos was NEVER one of your strong suits. You were more of a Norse and Roman mythology person yourself.

But no matter, it was cute, way too expensive, and would mark the day you actually braved through an entire exhibit that reminded you of nothing but your previous heartbreak. If that was something to even commemorate.

As you walked up to the counter, still not a soul in sight, you began fiddling with the other toys around the check out stand. One thing in particular was this wooden popping rifle, which reminded you of your old military days. you pretended to fight off swarms of enemies, popping the gun every now and again, when some footsteps from behind caused you to swing your whole body around.

Including the toy gun.

"He-OW!"

As the victim of your swing covered their now injured face, you dropped the toy to tend to their wound

"OHMYGOD I am SO sorry!-"

"Nonono! It's ok I shouldn't have scared you-"

"No I shouldn't have been playing with that stupid toy-"

"I-it's fine, really! It's just my nose, no biggie!!"

As the male figure revealed his face, you had to take a second to realize who was standing in front of you.

It was a man, who wore clothing that almost seemed too big for him, maybe hand-me-downs? He had black curly hair, much too ruffled for it to even seem slightly professional-

And the exact face of your old friend.

Too stunned to speak, you stared at the man as he awkwardly cleaned himself up as best as possible, before giving you a smile, a bandaid now covering his nose

"See? All better! Just a wee little mark, ill get by!"

This man sounded nothing like the man you knew, but had, seemingly, the same exact face? What kind of shit day is this?

"N-names Steven by the way! Friends call me Steve. Or, well, more like my boss does. Everyone else just calls me ol' Steven!"

This man was also WAY too dorky to be him too

"Hey, a-are you ok? I didn't mean to scare you, honest!"

Shaking you out of your thoughts, you give a polite smile anyway.

"Nono, your ok!! You just...look so familiar? But it's probably just my bad memory gettin' to me."

"Oh!" Steven remarked, a sigh of relief escaping him. Had he really been anxious about upsetting you, even though YOU hit HIM in the face?

"I actually get that a lot. Many people say I got the strikin' resemblance to a celebrity or two! Mainly my mum, but I still get it every now and again!"

Looking down, the man's face lit up at seeing the little trinket you had in your hands.

"OH!! You're gettin' some Shen Ring earrings?? That's actually a very fascinating symbol! In many cases it was used as a symbol of protection, so it's very fitting to wear it on some jewelry!"

This caused you to raise an eyebrow

"You actually know about this kind of stuff?"

"W-well ya! I love Ancient Egypt. I actually originally applied to be a guide through the museum's Egyptian section, However they told me the only space open was in the gift shop."

"Sooo they thought you weren't qualified?"

"I'mean, I doubt it was because of that," he clarified, clearing his throat a little. "but I wouldn't give it up for the world though! Being close to what I love makes me so happy, and I love the people who come through here!"

Seeing someone gush about something the way he was was almost adorable. Most people you've met absolutely HATE their jobs, so seeing someone so invested was almost...refreshing? Even if it wasn't something you were passionate about, It made you happy seeing someone so invested.

Running his thumb over the earrings, he then snapped himself out of his own trance

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hold you up so long! Here, I'll check you out over here!"

Walking over to the counter, a familiar beep summoned the total onto the screen.

"You know, I'd actually be interested in learning about Egyptian facts."

This response from you made Steven's face beam

"Really?"

"I mean yeah. I've never met someone so invested about this stuff in person. Plus I want to go to Egypt one day-" a lie. "So maybe, you could...teach me?"

Growing a grin from ear to ear, he excitedly shook his head in agreement.

"Yeahyeah!! I-I would love that actually! I've never met someone ACTUALLY interested in learning about it, it would be such an honor!"

"Sweet! When are you usually here?"

"Oh, all the time!"

"You work...every day?"

"Oh-well-not really! I have one day usually, but it goes by so fast I can barely remember those days, so it feels like I'm here every day, haha!"

That was a really weird response, but you decide to push that worry to the side. Fuck, maybe he was just scared that his boss was around and didn't want to get fired for "gossiping" about his job.

"Well ok then! I'll come by tomorrow then. Oh, what kinda coffee do you like?"

The response took Steven back as he furiously shook his head

"Ohnono, you don't have to! I really don't need a coffee-"

"Nonsense! You're here all the time! There has to be something you like!"

He pondered the question hard.

"Well...I really enjoy a good chai latte?"

"Perfect, a Chai latte will greet you first thing tomorrow then!"

As soon as you said that, the group of kids you had walked in with began walking to the busses

"Oh shit. I gotta bounce. But hey! I'm free tomorrow, so I'll see you then!"

Steven nodded as you put the earrings in your pocket, waving you goodbye before he got startled from being yelled by his boss from the back room.

What made you think this was a good idea?! You DON'T like Egypt, why would you agree to that! This was stupid, YOU are stupid!

Deep down, you knew the reason why you even decided to interact with the man. But you felt...guilty? Did he look like your old crush? Yes. Did he bring back all those old memories you thought you buried in the depths of your brain? Also yes.

But he was 100% different, you were certain. He was timid, shy, but also would not stop talking about something he was passionate about. He was never like that, for as long as you knew him.

Walking back to your apartment, you clicked on the old vintage lamp in the corner of your room, sighing before flopping onto your couch. On the coffee table, a small picture lay upside down, the back reading:

Spector and(L/N). Circa 2010

Always together, never apart

Maybe in distance, but never in heart.

"Ugh, forgot to put that cheesy shit away..."

Shoving the old picture into the side table drawer, you turned on the tv and poured yourself a strong drink.

"Things have to change, and me along with it. I can't keep being stuck like this."

You glanced at the earrings you had placed down.

"...maybe this will be for the better?"

#moon knight #fanfic #moon knight x reader #marc spector #marc spector x gender neutral reader #steven grant #steven grant x reader #Steven grant x gender neutral reader #marc spector x reader #jake lockley #jake lockley x reader #jake lockley x gender neutral reader #jake/marc/steven/reader #polyamorous? technically?#they all love each other in the end so I’m counting it #fluff #angst

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slutforsfender · 2 years ago

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𝐟𝐢𝐯𝐞 - 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭, 𝐬𝐚𝐦 𝐟𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐒𝐚𝐦

I was currently sitting at our dining table, replying to some emails on my laptop with one of my mam's famous brews. Since I found out Arabella is back yesterday, I spent the whole day dwelling on our teen years but decided it was best to distract myself instead with work.

Her beauty however hadn't left my mind. As well as the memory of her voice, laughter, sarcasm and just everything. I wonder if it had all changed over the ten years.

"Sam pet you wouldn't mind popping to the co-op for a few bits for us, would ya?" My mam asks, walking into the kitchen.

"Of course not mam," I say, finishing off my last email.

"Oh great dear, I've already written a list. It's on the cupboard in the hall so don't forget to pick it up before you leave" She says.

"I'll go get ready now," I say, standing up from the table and leaving the room but not without placing a kiss on her cheek.

I run upstairs to my childhood bedroom, not even daring to think about the memories to do with her in here. I grab my black jeans swapping them for the joggers I was already wearing before attempting to fix my messy hair.

Once I was ready, I go back downstairs to grab my keys, wallet and pull on my adidas. My mam obviously had to remind me of the list and to put it in my pocket.

The drive there was the same as usual, music playing in the background as the rain pounds against the glass windows. I pull into the car park and make sure I have everything before running into the shop.

I grab a basket and pull the list out, glancing at the items. I make my way around the shop slowly, making sure I had the right things to avoid getting a slap around the head from my mam. I checked the list once again before heading toward the scanning area. I look up and look away and repeat my actions once again. My eyes weren't tricking me. She was there, scanning her shopping, and sure enough, the only other scanning area available was the one next to her.

As I approach the scanning area, she notices me and makes sure to look away as fast as she saw me. We both lift our heads up and glance at each other as I scan my first item.

Those green eyes definitely had not changed. The brown flecks mixed with the green emerald background being enough to make my heart flutter and my stomach do a million backflips.

Suddenly I was that sixteen-year-old boy again that saw the colour drift away from them as I spoke my poison.

We both awkwardly looked away and sped up our scanning, no longer feeling like taking our time. She finishes a moment or two before me and leaves as fast as she possibly can out of the small shop.

I walk outside with my shopping to see her in the car. Her head against the headrest as she exhales before turning the keys and making her way home. I sigh at the sudden aching feeling in my heart. It was all real. She was here, it hadn't all been a stupid dream.

And god did her beauty always leave me breathless.

I get home and help my mam put the shopping away without saying a word, being too scared it would all spill out my mouth and the guilt would consume me even more. She didn't even try to get me to talk, knowing almost instantly I had seen her.

I get back into my room and fall onto the bed while exhaling. I stare up at the ceiling, remembering the way I layed here that night.

My phone buzzed away with texts from my mates saying well done or that they had seen her crying on Phoebe's shoulder at the bus stop. I went along with all the texts as if I hadn't just made the biggest, stupidest mistake of my whole teenage life and potentially my whole life.

Dean, however, was different from the rest of my friends.

I don't understand why you did it. I am your best friend so obviously, I support you and I'm here for you but I'm also so pissed at you. That girl loved you, you dragged her along. She put up with your mates' stupid comments, the bullying getting worse for her and you just left her in the middle of a math class. Fender, you messed up lad.

This guilt had laid on my heart for far too long, I couldn't even imagine how she felt if the hurt had stayed. Who am I kidding that breakup was twelve years ago, she's over it.

𝐀𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚

I just ranted my heart out to poor Phoebe over facetime while pacing around my room. It suddenly hit me while I lay on my bed, this is why I didn't come back. It wasn't home anymore, it was a reminder of the hurt I carried every day. The foolishness I carried for so many years around this town. The words everyone said but I ignored them. Now being back I just felt like that teenager again who just needed to leave.

I had seen him. Him. The boy who left me heartbroken, embarrassed, and stupid. The boy had left me with trauma that still comes back like a devil and bites me every once in a while. And those stupid blue eyes that for a year were so pure, my safety. I could look into his eyes and know exactly whether I could trust him until that day when I realised they had been lying for the past year.

Soon as I got off the bus, I walked so fast to my home. People stared as I walked around them without a small smile like usual. Soon as I got in, I muttered a hi to my grandparents and made a b-line for my room. I threw my things down, peeling off my jacket and blazer. I couldn't even make it to my bed without falling to the floor, against the bed frame.

My hand clutched my mouth to stop the noise from escaping. Tears streaming faster than any river or ocean possible. My other hand was placed on my heart at the physical severe aching pain like a heart attack in my chest. My body shaking like a child that has fallen because of a seizure. All of this over a boy.

A boy who never loved me. A boy who lied. A boy who was secretly laughing and smirking when his friends encouraged the insecurities in my mind. A boy who didn't even want to hold my hand in public. A boy who didn't listen to my words. A boy who never should have said I was pretty.

That pain had never left my heart. It was always there like a ghost on my heart, faint. But when I saw his blonde messy hair and those blue orbs, it was back louder than ever.

----

hi! a lil return from me. normal people fans may recognise a similarity in this chapter a little bit. i love you all, thank you for your messages over the past month - ash x

#sam fender concert #sam fender x reader #sam fender #sam fender smut #sam fender imagines #fanfic #wattapad #i love you #indiemusic #indie #willwetalk #oneshot #one shot

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wildfoxes-spirit · 2 years ago

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I'm going through some shit and just need to rant

Some history about everything: I have been in three different states and gone through twice as many schools. I started reading in preschool, I was in the younger class so around 3 years old. At first the teachers thought that I had just memorized the book but my mom got me a book from the library and I read it to her. Because of this I got to go and spend time with the 4 year olds for half of the day. I think this was when the troubles really started. I could have skipped kindergarten but that required doing all of the work in half of the year. My parents didn't want me to have to do that so we just kept me we're I was. I'm almost about to finish 8th grade and this is going to be really long. I had a speech delay when I was learning. I knew that my mom knew what I wanted so I didn't even try to learn and had to go to speech therapy for a year or two I think. And then I had a really bad British accent despite being from the United States.

The trouble with school started back in first grade when I was doing hybrid school. 3 days online and 2 days in person. My mom and I would get into fights over one subject in particular. Writing. It would take a good two hours to do 30 minutes of writing. This was when I was still practicing letters. Well we had switched schools so I wasn't in the same school that I was. This was a traditional school five days a week in person. Well this was when I got my first glasses. We had gone to the eye doctor before school started and I had no issues. But one day my teacher had a page up on the screen that we had to copy down and I couldn't read it. She zoomed in quite a bit and I even moved closer but still couldn't see. Yeah, my prescription is pretty thick now. Anyways the lines were redrawn in the middle of the year so I moved schools. The first year wasn't to bad but the third is when things escalated. I HATED school in third grade. Absolutely HATED it. I didn't ride the bus anymore because it was to crowded and I didn't like it. Also this was around the time fortnight came out and little me was very against it because, and I quote, "people are going to try to replicate it in real life and eventually they will use real guns instead" I had a good family, lived in a good area, I don't know where I got the idea. But that's always how I've been, even now I'm critical but I'll get to that later. I had really bad migraines had a child and had to learn how to swallow pills earlier because that was the only form the medication came in. But the migraines were so bad that I missed a lot of school because I would throw up halfway through the day because the lights were making it worse.

I had to get dragged out of my mom's car most of the time and I was left kicking and screaming. It was bad. I was also a biter during this time so my mom would have large bruises on her art from where I bit her. I sat in the principals more then once just so that I was in the building. What's stupid is that I was right by the door. I would reach for it from the chair but I probably could have made it if I just bolted. I knew how to get home to, the school wasn't that far. Eventually we developed a system: if I came in without a fuss I could spend some time building a Lego set, but if I gave mom a hard time I had to go straight to class. I think it was the special ed room and teachers that did that but I don't remember. I could also go there if there was an assembly of any kind in the gym. I was REALLY sensitive to crowds and loud noises back then, still am but way less. So it worked for a while but it ended up a struggle again. I didn't participate in one of the biggest assignments and just kinda... slumped. I'm actually crying as I'm writing this while laying in bed at 10:06 EST.

I got tested at the end of third grade before we left Indiana for Texas. They thought that I might have autism but further testing would be required. I don't remember when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. So we move to Texas and I start fourth grade. It's a great start. Some days were rougher then others but there was one time when my mom came for lunch and I was begging her to take me home with her. Like lunch ended and I had to be pried off her and was placed in an isolated room with an adult to watch me. My teachers had never seen me like this before so they were shocked and disappointed. Everyone was disappointed. The next year I moved schools again. A school had been built on the hill behind our house. Things were mostly okay. There were two subs that I didn't like tho. It was a married couple and they did jack shit. I'm reading class one day we were supposed to be working on something in groups but the sub was telling a story of his time in the military. I was 10 at this point and I raised my hand and pointed out that we had shit to work on and his story was incredibly distracting and unnecessary. I don't remember what he said but when I got home I was in tears. There was one other time we're his wife was subbing for our math class while our teacher was in a meeting and I straight up left the classroom without notifying anyone. I took my work and I did it out in the common area. When the teacher came back, and only then, did I re-enter the classroom. Oh and before we moved autism was ruled out and I was diagnosed with ADHD instead (I have the mix version)

That brings us up to 6th,7th and 8th. 6th grade was covid, there's not much. I hated the program of the school I was at because I was doing virtual. Did I mention we moved states again? The program was reviewing stuff that I already knew so when I switched schools to be at the one that I'm currently at they were reviewing for the end of the year test. 7th was a rollercoaster but not to important. I dated for the first time (and last), got in official detention... Fun. What I really want to talk about is 8th.

How many of you remember your 8th grade year. Was it as shit as mine currently is? I find myself critical of everything. I hate when there's a sub, not only does it thow me off but it means that I'm most likely to sit out in the hallway to I don't murder someone. A lot of the subs are incompetent. They don't keep the brats in like and have even made it worse. If someone could meet the brats from doing shit they shouldn't be the maybe, MAYBE, my sanity wouldn't buy dropping. I find that I'm a lot more mature then most of the brats. It's like putting an adult with toddlers. I'm also a bit of a control freak sometimes. But more often then not I have wanted to disappear from the face of the earth because I can't put up with the . I would be a horrible parent. Good thing I'm not having kids. And I can't tell what sent me into depressive episode 54, I don't think ADHD, depression, and being on my period was a good combo and yet here I am.

I would roast some of them but apparently arson is illegal

Why am I still here? Is it really worth crying at 10:40EST about life? I mean does anyone truly believe in me? i don't. Why did I have to be such a fuck up. I was a pain in the ass from the moment I was supposed to be born. I didn't want to come into this world and I still don't want to be here. Do my friends ever notice when I'm there? Would they even care if I stopped talking? Why am I always an outsider no matter who I'm with. Am I even going to be able to survive out there? All I can do is draw and hide.

#mental health #personal vent #adhd #depression #period pain #tw depressing stuff #tw depressing thoughts

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youraverageauthor · 2 years ago

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Repeat

Going to school ain't the best of the things that I can aim for yet it's mandatory on my list. I always despised it and no matter how hard I tried I always failed, I never understood why. Was I not trying enough? Whatever the reason might be, the option of giving up didn't exist. My parents would kill me if I ever stopped trying and I couldn't die yet I had a long list to fulfill but first came studies. I almost lost my life the other day; thank god I noticed the truck in time. I had to be more careful from now on.

Waiting for the bus once again, just the same old day, I wish it'd come. I've been waiting twenty minutes. I barely managed to leave the bed this morning, I had the worst program for today too.. Just as I started dozing off, the bus came by, thankfully I managed to get it. I put on my headphones, ignoring my surroundings and started blasting music. The day was hard to pass, it felt as if the time had frozen and on top of that the teacher made us do a quiz. I had studied the things that were on the quiz!

Before we could leave the professor announced the results. I was eagerly waiting for mine, I knew it'd finally be a good grade! I got 5/20, how? That's such a devastating result. . The professor couldn't even let me see my mistakes. The bell finally rang and I fast-paced to the bus station, I couldn't afford something worse happening today. The bus arrived and as I was walking in someone tapped my shoulder, I turned around to look who it was but no one was there, strange. .

After arriving home I immediately started studying. After completing my homework I went to eat yesterday's leftovers 'Annoying'. Hm, who said that? I was home alone. I decided to shrug it off, nothing good could happen by stressing out about some little things. I questioned once again why I always failed even though I was such a hardworking student, I guess I'm not trying enough. . It's just unfair, why do I always fail? I could feel the tears spilling on my notes. I wiped them away, it didn't matter, crying wouldn't solve this.

As I finished doing extra exercises I cracked my knuckles. I'm glad that I'm finally done, I even gave kudos to myself for finishing faster than yesterday. Am I hungry? Positive. I ignored the fact that I had an exam soon, food was the first priority. I went to the kitchen and cooked an omelet. I sat down in the living room and watched the news to have something distract me while I ate. The television suddenly started to glitch and a reporter was talking about how it was the end of the world. I rubbed my eyes and it turned back to normal. Were my eyes fooling me? As I was trying to understand if what I just saw was real or not I remembered about the exam. There's no way it was real, my brain was playing tricks on me.

I decided to write down the event either way because it could appear useful in the future. I then started to revise for the exam, a couple of hours had passed before I was finally done. I could feel my eyelids getting heavy so I brushed my teeth before heading to bed.

Going to school was exhausting, the day barely started and I wanted to go back home already. As I headed inside I ignored the people which was relatively easy and I sat on a bench. I felt as if something was wrong though. . Was it the exam? I was ready for it.

While I was minding my own business, a classmate of mine, Evelyn greeted me "Hi Mary, how're you doing?" Someone started a small talk with me? That's so sweet. "Honestly I could be better but I guess I'm good. How's your day?" I asked her. "Ya know, the usual stuff." she responded, I in fact didn't know the usual stuff. Before I could ask her something else I noticed something strange, she started to melt. Oh god her skin was oozing to the floor, her flesh was visible! Was I the only one who could see that?! "Please help. ." She muttered while grasping my arm.

I didn't know what to do, is this a nightmare?! "How, how am I supposed to help you?" I asked, by then her face had fallen off. I began to panic, I looked around to see if anyone could help Evelyn but everyone had the same issue. It made my stomach drop. I looked at Evelyn's hand, it was now just bones and it hurt. "Please help me. ." she said before grabbing my hand, I flinched, I could feel my flesh being torn. I couldn't even push her away, it was about time and all that remained from her were just her bones. I couldn't hold my tears back. A loud sound was heard throughout the place. A warning, an alarm for this situation?

I woke up, that was one heavy sleep. What did I dream of? It seemed like a long dream, I hate forgetting them. After eating something for breakfast I went to school. There, a student from the same school started a small conversation with me. I didn't remember his name nor did I wanna seem rude for not knowing so I referred to him as Blondie. This was a good day starter! As we were discussing the lessons we hate he asked me about a wound on my arm. I looked at my arm and there was a visible injury. The strange thing is that I didn't get hit by something to cause such a wound. "I'm not sure, it's not the first time something like this happens, it frequently happens when I'm sleeping." I stated.

We continued talking until the bell rang and we parted ways. It was the exam day today and I knew everything. I was more than ready and when I received the copy of the test I started writing. I knew everything, I continued to write down the answers to the questions until I was done. The professor looked kinda surprised. Once I finished, everything that I had studied was deleted from my memory. That was very weird. . At Least I was done! I gave the professor my sheet of paper before leaving school.

I ran to the bus station and the bus was about to pass by, I was lucky! Just as the bus stopped it disappeared. Do I want to go home so badly that I am hallucinating? Some passers-by threw strange looks at me, they must think that I'm crazy. I went to sit down on a bench and then the blond boy came. "Hello again, how'd the exam go?" he asked me. I don't remember telling him that I had an exam, maybe a friend of his is in the same class with me. "It was surprisingly good, it was pretty easy. How was your day?" I asked to continue the conversation. "It was fine." He responded. "Which class are you at?" I questioned, before he could reply the bus came . I went inside and that's when the conversation ended. Could I consider him a friend? It'd be good.

After I arrived home, I ate dinner, it was quite nice. I put the dishes in the dishwasher and focused on my homework. It was simpler than usual, maybe I finally became smarter! I finished earlier than usual so I decided to reward myself. I grabbed a bag of popcorn from the cabinet and put on a good series to watch. I really loved this show. Suddenly the phone started ringing, the moment I went to pick it up the power fell out, yet the phone kept ringing. This situation felt off, it gave off creepy vibes too. I answered the phone "Hello, who is it?" I asked, no one had my phone number. . "Wake up" a robotic-like voice said that in repeat until I closed the call. This just felt like a plot for a horror movie. . I hated pranks like these, I knew it was a prank because no one had my number. Once I closed the call the power returned.

I decided to go to bed, I didn't understand how fast the time passed by. . After a while I fell asleep. I woke up, I felt as if I just blinked and the night went by… I went to brush my teeth, after that I went to put on my uniform. As I stepped inside my room I noticed myself, I was still asleep? What the hell; was I dead?! I tried to wake myself up but it wasn't working. An eerie sound could be heard so I decided to investigate. I looked outside the window and what I saw was horrifying. The world looked as if a war happened, a bizarre creature was standing out there, collecting dead bodies. . I couldn't describe how it looked but I'm certain that I've seen it before.

It was changing the world to its original state, one of the bodies that were collected was Blondie's. He died..? This felt very familiar but I just couldn't remember. Wait.. it has happened before. . the dreams that I kept forgetting.. it has truly happened, they weren't just dreams. I remember them now, that's why I had that wound on my arm, it was because of Evelyn. Why was I alive though? I'm pretty sure I died in some of them. That must be the reason why my life is so difficult! As if it sensed me the creature looked over my window, I realized how dark the sky was when I saw it staring at me. Next thing I remember is waking up, that was terrifying.

I dressed up, I had to go to school, I was possibly being watched. I had to act normal, how was I supposed to act as if I witnessed none of that stuff? One of the only people that I talked with was now dead. I arrived at school, it was a bit early so I started writing down my theories in my diary. "Good Morning Mary" Blondie said before I could open my diary. Wait, Blondie? Silence filled the air while I was trying to realize how he was alive. I was about to question him, since I saw him dead but what if people come back? What if that monster brings them back and removes their memories? "Are you okay Mary?" he questioned. "Yeah I'm fine.. my day just didn't start off well."

I didn't know if I should tell him about everything that happened. I needed someone to help me, didn't I? That's what people usually do.. If something were to happen to me someone else would know which could help spread the message. I took out a notebook of mine because it'd be better to write it down rather than tell him. I began to write everything that I knew and my theories and then I asked if he wanted to see some drawings of mine. He agreed and sat next to me. He started reading it and kept quiet. "Wow, how did you find out?" he asked "Well you could say that life inspired me to find this." I stated. When I told him that I'd spread the message to the world he smiled, the smile was almost angelic . .

The bell rang, Blond boy went inside the school and I was stuck in a dilemma. I wasn't sure if I should leave school but staring at it made me feel like staying was the wrong option so I began to run to the bus station. I heard a horn, I looked to my left and I noticed a truck, god I could have died if I didn't run faster. I was alive and I needed to warn the people. The only way that I could think of was social media. I managed to get on the bus and after I got out I immediately ran to my home. I opened my laptop and I began to write a warning about what lurks within this world. Once I hit send the message got deleted, I tried more websites, other social media but nothing worked. Of course it wouldn't, if it were that easy then someone else would have done it! I took my diary out of my bag and then I heard the doorbell ring. I locked the door, I couldn't afford anyone to come inside.

I opened my diary and there I found warnings addressed to me. Written in the diary was a note about how I shouldn't trust the blondie, he was the one behind all of this, he was the mastermind. I now realized why he kept talking to me, he didn't want me to see these notes. Blondie barged in the house, I was dumbfounded. "You finally read it, you made me wonder how long it'd take you" he said. I tried to shut the door but he held it open. "I, I can stop you!" I stated, I was filled with fear, I had no idea what to do. He didn't respond, he was just smiling, that uncanny smile was so petrifying. "You aren't a chosen one, you're not meant to save the world. You are just a student, how can you save the world? The fun is over, you stepped right into the trap like a foolish little mouse." he said with a grin. I tried to attack him with my diary but he just caught it and he burnt it to crisp, nothing was left, just ash. . "Think of this world as your personalized hell. You cannot escape this place nor save it." I was awestruck, he looked like the devil with that smile. He wasn't the angel he looked like nor a student from my school. He was a demon and behind that angelic face of his hid the devil himself. .

I woke up once again, I felt very tired though. . It was dark outside, what time is it? I grabbed my phone, it was 3am, I could get more sleep! I laid back on my comfy bed and slept once again before starting the day. The day went on pretty well yet I felt that I was missing something.

#writer #newwriterscommunity #writing prompt #writing #continuous loop #death involved #original work

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princessstarryahri · 11 months ago

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Starting Over

Life is hard. I'm sure that surprises no one and elicits an eye roll from some. I need to get things out to hopefully process and let go.

TW: mentions of Drugs, Abuse, Narcissism, Addiction

I've always done things my own way. I am weirdly different from my family. Not in a "not like other girls way", but as in I am emotional and all they can express comfortably is anger. I feel things deeply (just a nice way of saying I'm sensitive), cry a lot, and willingly take on the battle of my mental health. Feeling like a mismatched puzzle piece has made me really have no one to align with or fully connect with. Which then leads me to get into bad situations. I'm not blaming anyone for my actions, those are my choices of course I'm just trying to give a bit of context.

I have been with awful people who take advantage of me and my overlooking of red flags, I have been SA'd, fought addiction, and been through abusive relationships. Now it's over and living without the chaos is uncomfortable, sometimes almost unbearable. It's so quiet now, I don't have to worry about waking up to hearing dishes breaking, yelling, or bracing myself to see what kind of absolute mess I'll open the door to.

For the past three years I was dating a guy, we will call him Blue, and he was not a nice guy. At first Blue was amazing, it was a long distance relationship at first. We live in the same state but he lived in a city that was not near me. We met online and hooked up once before but then he disappeared for a bit only to come back with a sob story that I wanted to believe and ignored the first red flag. He said he ended up in a mental hospital after a drunken night and saying he wanted to end his life. Looking back, I don't fully believe that is what happened but I can't say for sure on what may have happened. At the time I didn't want to invalidate him or press him because that is a big thing to deal with. So I gave him a second chance. He began taking the hour and a half (maybe more) long bus ride to see me on his days off and he made me feel so special. I hadn't had successful relationships before and this effort meant the world to me. He was kind, helped with cleaning and watched movies with me. He played the part so well. Eventually he told me that he was getting kicked out of his place because he wasn't cleaning since he spent so much time with me and I agreed to let him stay. I think? When he came to live with me it happened so fast and I don't really remember what happened. But I couldn't just throw him out, I mean it was partly my fault right? Red flag number 2 also went ignored. He was okay at first but then he started having trouble at work, he had transferred to a location closer when he moved in and eventually he quit. He was unemployed for a while before getting another job. I think it was around this time when he started using meth again. He had told me before that he used to but was clean. It bothered me but I didn't know how to approach it. I told him I didn't like it and he kept his use to a minimum I think but it progressively got worse. Soon enough he stopped working and things got tight. I wasn't working during the time since this all started when the pandemic was in full swing and I was able to get benefits. we coasted off those for a while until we couldn't. I'm sorry if the timeline is messy, my memory of this relationship sucks and you will see why later.

We started fighting and he stopped contributing. Some of this is a blur but I think for a time I was getting monetary help from a family member in exchange for cleaning their home and letting her see my dog. But Blue stayed home and tried thinking of alternative ways for bringing in money. He liked electrical work and began acquiring speakers and stereo equipment to "fix" he was successful a couple of times but most of that stuff littered the apartment. He also sold some medication he was prescribed but again not much came from it. I began to start declining in my mental health and isolating, but I had struggled with depression and had gotten a diagnosis of PTSD so I thought it was just that but this was different. Blue was letting the mask slip. He would put down my feelings and basically tell me that it was all in my head and I was the problem. When he got real upset he would throw things at the wall, break my dishes, and yell. He would never let me walk away from him as he would follow me and just yell. He would put me down, call me a bitch, tell me to fuck off and probably other things I have blocked out. It would terrify me and each of these arguments made me think, "is this the time he hits me?"

Blue never hit me thankfully but I think if he had not been thrown out it would have eventually happen.

The one time I told him he was abusive he lost it even more and said some awful things without a second thought. He attacked my appearance and belittled me saying "That would be abusing you". Anytime Blue lost his temper and did this stuff he never apologized and I was too afraid to bring it up. It was like he saw nothing wrong with what he did. The apartment ended up a horrible mess. Blue would constantly make food and let whatever was left rot and rarely clean. I had a hard time getting out of bed and kept letting the depression win. Anytime I would try to clean it became overwhelming, or I would get so angry, or it would never last and would be somehow worse. I didn't understand how he could live like that and not see anything wrong with it since it disgusted me but I was declining. I felt so low and defeated in our relationship. When Blue wanted to sleep with me he would be extra nice and once he got what he wanted he would retreat back to the living room leaving me feeling used. He rarely slept in the bed since I kept stuffed animals on it and the dog sleeps with me so he claimed he couldn't get comfortable. We were more like roommates with "benefits" more than a couple.

Blue had his own personal issues but never got any help for it. He felt like he was fine and didn't need help. But the truth is, he just let his addiction drown out the pain. It got so bad that Blue would do things to get his fix. I don't feel comfortable going into detail but it is a low point for addicts. I didn't know how to help and maybe a part of me didn't want to. That might make me a bad person but all I wanted was for the abuse to end. I wanted him out of my life.

Once Blue even got his hands on my drug of choice. Years before I struggled with my own addiction to a certain powdery substance. I had been at least 5 years sober from it and he knew about that. Yes there were times when I may have let it slip that I was craving but I always tried to find a better way to deal with whatever was going on. Blue didn't force me or anything but he had it and even cut it up into nice fat lines and I couldn't resist anymore. I had taking on the bread winner role with no help from him and I hated my job. So with everything going on I decided to indulge. I don't have a normal reaction to that substance instead of gaining energy I zone out and stop thinking, everything becomes quiet. I know it sounds strange but it's why I became so addicted to it all those years ago. And it's why I slipped. I was in desperate need to make everything stop.

I haven't done it since but I felt stupid and awful for flushing so many years of being clean down the drain and the day after I was so sick.

The last bit of our relationship went from the worst to oddly good. He got sick and he is insufferable when he's sick. He is very much a hypochondriac and blows everything way out of proportion. I didn't like taking care of him anymore because he would never go to the doctor and I think the drugs were taking a toll on him. He began being distrustful of medical professionals. He also went down some conspiracy rabbit holes that I ignored. Blue got covid from someone he went to see for reasons and got very angry. Then he got even more angry because someone was going to give him money but something came up (not sure exactly it was hard to get the full story out of him), but he started destroying the apartment again. I didn't want him to break the last dishes we had so I asked him to not throw things and he screamed at me. Blue had that habit of taking his anger out on me even when I didn't cause it. He called me a bitch and told me to fuck off and that I should die or something to that affect. Every time I would leave and go into the bedroom he would open the door to yell at me and then leave. I would close it and he would open it to yell some more. At this point I recognized he would say things to bait me into arguing with him and I didn't engage which also pissed him off. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Blue took a hammer and hit the wall which scared me and I went to see what happened. I was terrified if I said the wrong thing he'd grab it and hit me. That fear I felt was real and sent me into a panic attack. Luckily Blue was done with me and I retreated to my room. My dog was under the bed terrified to come out and I had to take some medication to come down but I knew that I couldn't let this go on any longer. I am a spiritual person and in that moment the only thing I could do was pray to the Goddess Lilith. Call it stupid or whatever but she had been reaching out and I was too blinded to understand. I begged her for help no matter what had to happen and I sobbed, fully letting out the pain. In a matter of weeks my prayers were answered. It was after this argument and a period of me avoiding him that Blue decided to act nice to me.

My mother called me and all the things I had been hiding were finally let out. She said she would help me get him out. So the week before Christmas she and some male family members came to my rescue and told him to get out and never come back except for an agreed upon day to get whatever was his. He was upset and slowly gathered what he could. he caused everyone to get upset with his disrespectful attitude. I just stood in the corner and tried to keep from having a panic attack. I truly didn't know what he would do and didn't want him to start yelling. After he left my mom helped me start the clean up process. She came over several times to help and it looks the way it should now. I packed up as much of his stuff as I could find and even gave him some food I know he liked, it wasn't much and I didn't have to be as generous but I felt kinda bad, I think my mind was so tangled at the time. I waited for the day he was to get his stuff.

I don't know how much detail I can go into about this day since it was traumatic and I am still sensitive to it but I will give highlights.

Blue and 3 other people arrived a couple hours earlier than agreed on catching me off guard. They continuously knocked loudly on my door saying I needed to let them in but we had agreed on having someone from my family here for my well-being and that was why we agreed on a specific time. I called my mom panicking telling her that Blue was here with other people and I didn't want to open the door. Luckily my step-dad jumped in the car and sped over. My mom told me to call 911 and get officers out here just in case so I did. Blue's friends would not stop even after I told them they needed to wait until my step dad got here. I was caught off guard and went into panicking because I woke up minutes before they got there with broken sleep and I wasn't fully awake so I got scared.

When my step dad arrived I felt better but was not relieved fully since I knew Blue would show up early to get in and probably bully me I just didn't expect him to be so early. He also knew I don't sleep well and I don't like getting up early which is what he tried to use to his advantage. Blue tried to accuse me of hiding a stupid chair he had worked on but I think my step dad had thrown it away when we were cleaning. I just let Blue talk and stayed out of the way. The officer who came just acted as a mediator and eventually they all left. I know some detail is missing but for my own sanity this is all I can stand to recount about that day.

Finally Blue was out of my life for good and I could move on. It has been 2 months since then and there have been ups and downs. As hard as it may seem there have been days where I miss the good Blue. I miss the way he made me laugh, the very few compliments he gave me, the feeling of his arms around me when I asked for a hug. Yes I did have to ask for physical and non sexual contact because he would never give it otherwise. He only did it when he wanted something. I also get mad at him. Hell the day after he got his stuff I wished I would have thrown it out and set it on fire: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iiTxcuMkqk4

That rage she feels that comes from giving your life to someone, putting yourself last, and being what they want or need only for them to turn around and screw you over, that's how I felt. I let this piece of shit, pathetic excuse of a man ruin me for three years. It may not seem long to you but for me, it felt like forever and it was like it would never get better. I lost what little sense of self I had, I lost all the money I was making because I was providing for us, I dropped out of cosmetology school because I lost motivation from dealing with him. Blue gaslit me, put me down, abused me, twisted narratives to make me the bad guy when he talked to his friends even when I was right there. Then would act all nice and make so many promises and would even clean just to make me believe he would change. I know I wasn't my best when I was with him and I made mistakes but I did everything I could to make Blue feel loved, accepted, appreciated, and safe. But I wasn't worth the effort to him. Did he love me? Maybe but only in the limited way someone like that can love. He also treated me like a meal ticket.

Looking back and knowing what I know now, Blue is a narcissist. I'm not being hyperbolic, I truly believe he is a narcissist. Looking at how narcissists act and think, it fits Blue, it's scary accurate. But I can only hope he gets help and turns his life around but I doubt he will. In truth I am worried about one day getting the news that he is no longer on this Earth. I know I shouldn't care at all what happens to him but when I love someone, I love them fiercely with all my heart and yes I did love Blue. I loved the good Blue but he died a long time ago or maybe he wasn't real but I like to think he was and I could catch glimpses of him in those nice fleeting moments. Blue is no good and I would never take him back, I know that but I hope he gets help.

Now I have to learn to navigate life. I'm alone for the first time in my life and for the most part it's okay. Sometimes its's uncomfortable and it hurts but I know I need to be alone to heal. Starting over is hard. But I know I'll be okay. I just had to get this out.

#tw abuse #emotional abuse #addiction #tw drugs #starting over #narcissistic abuse #narcissism #vent post #real life

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adivebelow · 1 year ago

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my body

Everyday, I look at myself in the mirror–everyday, my self image changes. Too fat, too skinny, too boxy, too long, too flat–too imperfect. I’ve only ever been focused on how I looked, not how I felt. I hurt my own feelings with my own opinions and judgment.

This morning, I looked in the mirror as I changed my clothes. Why do I look so fat? I haven’t even eaten anything I thought to myself. It was like this almost everyday, except for the days when I was too tired to care about anything. I continued on with my day like normal, riding the bus to school and making my way to my classes. I liked riding the bus, I got to talk to my close friends–they made me feel okay; they helped me forget about my struggles.

I always go to breakfast at school, solely to see my friends, but I usually don’t eat. Not recently, at least. Even though I regret it later into my day, it’s no big deal. Water fills me up enough. As long as I just drink some water, I’ll be fine. I don’t want to gain any more weight. Regardless of what people tell me, I still think I’m fat. I can deal with a couple of hunger pains, it’s not like it’ll kill me.

Halfway through 5th period, the pains started to feel unbearable, but I still had 2 periods until lunch. I didn’t want to eat, but I felt like I had to at that point. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was.

Once I got to lunch, I sat down and talked to my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. He makes me feel like it’ll be okay. He tries to make sure that I eat, but I don’t always tell him the truth. I wish I could, but I don’t want to disappoint him–so why don’t you just eat? Well, I don’t want to disappoint myself either. However, I did end up disappointing myself. For lunch, I had a lot. Guiltily, I ate, and I’ll admit it felt good, but I knew it wasn’t going to help me look at myself differently. If anything, it was probably going to make me judge myself even more later that day.

When I got home, after a day full of socialization and laughs and happiness, it all started to hit me again. The dark feeling of self-hatred and critique. I lifted my shirt as I stared at my reflection, nitpicking every part of myself. I pulled at the more fatty parts of my stomach, I hated it. I traced the outline of my body, even though I had a couple of curves, it meant nothing compared to all of the things I didn’t have. I looked at my chest, wishing it would grow. I picked and pulled at my thighs, they were so oddly shaped. I stared at the gap between them, wishing it would just close–I always felt like it made me look awkward no matter how I stood. I turned to the side, analyzing how my figure looked from that angle. I looked wide and disproportionate. My rib cage looked like it was too big for the rest of my body, and I looked bloated. I hated my body so much, every part of it. No matter how much I tried to appreciate it, I found myself wishing to look like other people.

I haven’t had any kind of ‘liking’ for my body since I was 8 years old. When I was 8, I attended a day camp for most of the summer. I was almost always in a swimsuit–everyday, if it wasn’t raining, we went to the pool at least twice. One day while I was waiting for my parents to pick me up, I was on the swings next to a boy named Paul. I was still in my swimsuit because the last thing my group had done that day was go to the pool. Paul looked over at me,

“Please don’t wear that again,” he said.

“Why not?” I questioned him, I saw nothing wrong with my swimsuit; it was a 2 piece–the top was pink, purple, and blue, tye dye while the bottoms were just purple.

“Your belly is out.” he pointed.

“Yeah, what about it?” he continued to perplex me.

“It’s big.” he explained.

I looked down at my stomach, my lip beginning to quiver as hot tears filled my eyes. When I got home, I buried my face in my pillow and sobbed. My dad asked me what was wrong, but I never told him; I just kept crying.

I never saw myself the same after that. As I got older, the kids I was surrounded by only got meaner.

When I was in 6th grade, I had a crush on a boy named Nathan. He was your classic, blue-eyed, blondie. Many girls had a crush on him, he was funny. I was a lot skinnier than I was when I was 8, and I saw that as progress. However, Nathan had set me back a while.

“You’re so short!” I teased, playfully joking around with him.

“Shut up, you’re flat!” he exclaimed–he wasn’t joking around with me anymore, he was serious. I went silent after that, but he didn’t take it into account. As the day progressed, I looked around the room, analyzing the other girls in my class–more specifically, the ones Nathan would talk to. I noticed that they all had bigger chests than I did. After that day, I gained a new insecurity.

Nathan moved away after Christmas break that year, but it didn’t get any easier after he left.

Shortly after he had moved away, a new boy joined our class. I didn’t have a crush on him, but he spoke similarly to the way Nathan did. His name was Jonothan. Not even a month after he had joined our class, he was constantly annoying me. Occasionally, he would say things about my body and how I was flat. Even though I didn’t say anything to him about it, it deeply affected me. Eventually, I ended up writing about it for a project–then I had to talk to the principal about what was going on. I’m unsure of the discipline he was given, or if he was given any at all, but he never said anything to me about it.

. . .

Years later, I still don’t completely love my body. It’s a work in progress, I guess you could say. I try not to be so judgmental towards myself, but there’s moments when I can’t control it. Regardless, I’m on a journey, trying to learn how to love myself. Some days it’s merely impossible, but some days I feel okay with embracing myself and my body. I know it will get easier for me eventually, it just takes time.

**To anyone who is experiencing an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, struggles with self esteem, confidence, or self image, I encourage you to reach out to someone for help. Your body is a temple, please care for it properly. You are worth more than you think–you withhold more beauty than you could ever know. Please, take care of yourself; that goes for everyone. No matter where you are on your journey and how hard it may get, just keep your head held high and remind yourself of your end goal. I love you.**

#self worth #growth #mental health #art #new blog #thoughts #beautiful body #beauty #self love #love yourself #writing #creative writing #personal post #meh

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lady-ashfade · 3 years ago

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Double sided worry.

Eddie Munson x female reader. (She/her)

Plot: Eddie has been distant to his girlfriend and she notices. She starts to worry about why he wouldn’t even look at her or act like he used to. Eddie is worried but for different reason.

Warning: Non.

Length: Short.

Eddie’s been acting weird all day since the moment he picked u put, from the moment school ended.

He acted nervous and he was more spacey then normal. He is usually all over you like hands around your waist, kissing you, pretty much anything he could do.

But today he just wouldn’t and the most he’s giving you was a pat on the back and a kiss on the cheek. This caused your insecure mind run with ideas.

Like what if he didn’t care for you anymore. Or what if he found someone else. Did you do something to upset him? Maybe you looked horrible today.

Your knees bounced with anxiety as you waited for him to come out the club door. You always wait for him since he was your ride, not liking to take the bus. But it gave you time to do your homework so you could have more free time at night.

The doors swung open and cheering and chatting could be heard from all the way do the hallway. You looked up from your book and saw your group of friends and boyfriend step out.

“Did you see that shit? A perfect twenty and I sang the dragon to sleep” the other group members rolled their eyes at Dustin’s bragging.

“It was so easy. I would have cut its head off and that would have been way cooler” Mike groaned. He clearly wasn’t happy about dustin having his moment.

You started to collect your things and put the back in your bag. “I think what you did was cool dustin” Eddie smiled at him and wrapped a arm around his shoulder.

“Thank you” Dustin cried out. You picked your bag up and stood up. “Hello guys” You called out and they all turned to you.

“Y/n, you’ll never believe what happened” He ran up to you and started to tell the entire story. Eddie only looked at you for a slit second and walked away while the rest of you guys followed.

You guys all road home in Eddie’s car. The guys telling you about the whole section while Eddie only popped in from time to time.

Once you finally said goodbye to the kid you nervously started to pick at your nails. It was dead silent in the car and you couldn’t take it.

“Have I done something” You asked so soft and worried. Eddie quickly jumped and looked at you.

“What? No, of course not. Why would you think that” He was so quick to deny, it almost made you feel better.

“You’ve been distant today. I haven’t even gotten a real kiss or hand holding. It’s like you don’t want me around” You averted your eyes back out the window trying not to cry.

“Baby.., it’s not like that. It’s just-” he put his other hand on the steering wheel and the other one through his hair while he was trying to find what to say.

“If you can wait until we get to my place I’ll explain everything” He sounds so nervous and serious. Like he was asking you to trust him.

“Yeah, I can wait Eddie” You looked back at him to see him staring back at you. He placed his hand over to yours and held onto it. You smiled softly at the feeling and waited till you got to his house. And it seemed like forever to get to the trailer park, more then it usually did.

“Wait there” He said while getting out his door. You watch him walk around to your car side confused but then he opens your door.

“My lady” You giggled. He hasn’t said that in a while. “Thank you, my king” you also haven’t used that nickname in a long time.

He smirked and took ahold of your hand and pulled you into the trailer. You stood in the middle of the room while he closed the door.

He stepped away from the locked door and up to you. Your breath hitched as he pulled you into a kiss like he hasn’t kissed you in days. His hands grabbed ahold of your chin and waist pulling you closer with force.

You hummed in delight while kissing him but also Confusion on why he kissed you all of a sudden.

“What’s that for?” You asked while he pulled away. And as you looked at him with those a sweet eyes of yours, he melted.

“Just wanted to do that before I probably do something stupid” you frown your brows at him. Do something stupid? What’s he talking about.

And before you could asked he puts his fingers to your lips and shh’s you. “Let me go get something, okay” and with that he leaves you alone.

You watch him walk away and disappear and your heart starts to beat. This whole situation was very confusing and it still had you convinced he was going to break up with you.

You play with your fingers while waiting for him and you could hear him talking to himself and throwing things around. You couldn’t make out what he was saying but you wished you could.

“Got it” he yelled as he can out of his room. You watch him run towards you with a hand behind his back.

“Got what?” You eyes run up and down but mostly at his arm behind his back. He just took a deep breath and swallowed.

“You’re probably going to hate it and realize you don’t want to be with me anymore. I have to say that i-” He started to stutter and the words just came out as blanks.

“Here” He pushed something into your chest. You looked down to see a cute red box, you grabbed ahold of it and looked up at him to ask permission to open it and he nodded.

You opened it and what you saw your heart turned into a million butterflies. You felt like crying. Looking back up at him but the look on your face made him worry.

“I know we’ve never said it before and now you just have it onto a necklaces. It’s probably to soon for you and you probably don’t love me back and that’s okay. But I love you with everything I have and I know it’s lot a lot but-” His sentence stops as soon as you throw yourself at him and wrap him in a hug.

“I love you too, Edie.” You said while into his shoulder holding him close. He smiled and wrapped his arm around you. His heart now filled with happiness and not worry.

“I can’t believe you thought I didn’t love you.” You pulled away. He just shrugged. “I was scared to tell you because I didn’t know where you stood” Eddie looked ashamed for a minute but you reached to pat his cheek.

“Well I guess I have to step up my game” You turned around and moved your hair out of the way. “Put it one me” He took the box from your hands and pulled the necklace out.

It was a golden heart with “I love you” written on it, and it was beautiful and simple. But you would never take it off.

“Of course my love” He put it around your neck carefully and clipped it together. He put a few kisses on your neck, sweetly. You couldn’t think of anywhere else you’d rather be.

You only wanted to be with him at the moment. And that’s where you stayed.

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