#is this show worth all my time and effort????
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Fandom Problem #7260:
I hate how people get so upset when authors remove their fics rather than orphaning them and acting like the author was soooo selfish and that orphaning is the only right and justice choice for them to make, especially when the fic in question had a handful or even no comments.
Like, people share their fics for community and connection. I share my fics for community and connection. I will always write for myself, but I share them for the human connection. If there's no connection? Well, I'm not going to share then, and I sure as hell am not going to orphan because that's MY fic, MY hard work, why would I want to remove myself from it, to not be able to show it to others and say "hey look at this thing I made, what do you think?" just because a stranger who doesn't even have the guts to tell me they like it, likes it? And there's no such thing as an individual, so many other fic authors likely do/think the same.
"Oh, but you aren't entitled to comments!" You're right, but you also aren't entitled to millions of stories at the wonderful cost of $0.00 either. It isn't selfish for people to choose to not comment, but it also isn't selfish for authors to delete and/or abandon their fics when they get no comments.
"But what if that fic helped someone through a hard time? Saved their life?" Should've told the author that, can't blame the author for prioritizing their own mental health when they weren't even aware they were carrying the burden of a stranger's mental health too.
Writing is already so hard even if you're doing it for yourself. Sharing it is terrifying. Letting people, strangers even, know the things you like, your traumas, your mistakes? The only thing that makes sharing worth it is knowing that there are other people out there who like the same things, share your traumas, and won't judge you by your mistakes and that by sharing your stories, you can find them and even if it's just for a moment, just a single small interaction.
But if you can't find them? They don't let you know that—yes, we're alike! I like this too! I understand this character! I don't mind that you're imperfect, we're human!—Why keep sharing? Why leave all these painful pieces of yourself scattered about if you gain NOTHING from it? Why leave something that was meant to be a bridge of connection up, when it goes unwalked? It's an abandoned house, an unused lot, a corpse. Community interaction is the lifeblood of fic, and if the blood doesn't flow, it will be buried.
Yes, fandom may not cost money, but there needs to be an exchange if you want it to continue because fandom is and always will be a community, not just fics and art.
"But I'm scared to comment!" "I just want to lurk!" etc.
That's valid, but you can't complain when authors delete their fics, stop posting, and fandom begins to dwindle because all they received for their efforts and nakedness is silence. Kudos and likes will always be appreciated, but that's not connected, that is not community, and that's not what authors share and bare their hearts for. Of course, you can be upset when fics disappear and authors leave, but don't bitch if you know the reason why and could have helped prevent it. If you don't play your part in the community keep your mouth shut when it dies. Don't cry at the funeral a fandom you did nothing more but look at.
Let authors delete their fics and disappear in peace. They were shown how little the community valued them when they were left in silence, and no amount of complaints and cutesy positive posts are going to change that.
Deleting fic isn't evil. It's the acceptance that no matter how much you share, how much effort you give, the community doesn't care enough to even give you a single thumbs up and it's the action of parting ways with that community.
And asking those people who just want to leave and be left alone because the community was neglectful to keep sharing AND walk away if they don't like the silence by orphaning their fics instead of deleting them is so selfish. It's cruel to pressure them to keep their work up when they're ready to leave because YOU want to just take, take, take, and give not even a thanks in return.
I'm so sick of being treated like a monster when I post a fic, work it for months upon months, see the hit could rise higher and higher, and get not even a single person interacting but being treated like a selfish monster for deleting it when continuing to share it eventually became too painful.
"Oh, but write for yourself! You shouldn't write for the comments!" I write for myself, my Google Docs are full of dozens upon dozens of fics that I read and reread, laugh and cry at. But I only share for the comments/community, and well, the community decided that it doesn't want me and so I'm done sharing. I'm never sharing again when I'll just be fucking ignored. I'm done letting people call me and anyone else who has also decided they're done sharing selfish entitled pricks for just wanting to connect with others when they didn't give a damn dollar or even just a fucking smile emoji in return
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1. 2003 and Rise.
2003 was the first time I experienced tmnt as it own thing and not just something my older sisters and cousins liked. As such 2003 Mikey holds a special place in my heart because he was the turtle I latched onto. I remember even as a kid wishing that they let him be angsty( a preluded to my angst loving side.) Him beating Raph in the BN simply by annoying him is a core memory for me.
Rise Mikey is literally every side of Mikey I’ve ever wanted to see given the spotlight . His artistic side, his adhd side, his silly side,his emphatic side, his role as the glue that holds the family together, his cook side, the side that wants to prove himself, the side that wants to befriend and accept everyone, and his hidden potential.
2. Not as much as I’d like. Just some comics.
3. 2012. I wish the fact that he has untreated adhd was handled better. I had untreated mental illnesses until I was an adult and that shit messes with you as a kid. We see it’s a huge deal and even given blatant examples how it affects him. What’s the point of putting in all those hints AND having April’s dad be a whole psychologist but never actually addressing it? Plus I wish he wasn’t so disregarded by his brothers at times. Like I’m the youngest, I have older siblings, I know how it is but like listen to him at least sometimes guys.
4. I like to think he gets headaches and migraines. No special reason. I get them so he must too.
5. He’s more than the fun, happy turtle. I think one of the reasons I clicked with him is because i know there’s so much more beneath the surface. No offense to the other turtles( who I also love) but they’re kinda easy to figure out. Mikey has layers upon layers that lie beneath that happy smile. So it hurts when people typecast him as ‘the fun one’ or ‘the unserious one’ or even worse ‘the dumb one’.
6. Best Laid Plans(To rest). 12!Mikey commits suicide but his brothers come back in time to save him. Absolutely heartwrenching. I have read it 5 times and I cry every time. It does such a good job of addressing a lot of issues I had with how Miney is treated. AND it does this without once demonizing his brothers. A+ read.
I get knocked down (but I get up again) Mikey keeps dying. This…..affects him a bit. Another amazing showcase of Mikey’s mind.
7. I’m an absolute sucker for any and all Leo and Mikey interactions. I love how Mikey looks up to Leo and in turn how Leo looks out for Mikey and is usually the one who tries to adapt to Mikey’s pace. 2012 is my favorite showcase of their bond.
8. 12!Mikey and Leatherhead AND Rise! Mikey and Draxum. Both instances show that kind, caring,empathetic side of Mikey who tries to understand and help those who others have deemed as not worth the effort.
9. Having one and drawing one are two very different things.
10. Savage Mikey. I like to think it was his way of coping with being alone in Dimension X. And Dr. Delicate Touch because he feels nothing.
11. It may have clashed with his headband but he still rocked it.
12. Mikey is a K-pop Stan and I’m tired of pretending that he’s not. He knows all the dances to Everything.
13. The effects that masking has on him. When it comes to family dynamics Mikey is literally ‘The Mascot’. He knows his place as the tension breaker and goes out of his way to keep that persona up. But keeping up that mask and always acting as the jokester has to weigh heavily on his psyche and we don’t talk about that enough.
mikey ask game!!
1. which mikey is your favorite version?
2. do you have any mikey merch?
3. is there an iteration you think could have handled him better? what would you have changed?
4. what headcanons do you have?
5. something the fandom gets wrong about him that only you truly get /lh
6. do you have any mikey-centric fic recommendations? (including any your wrote!)
7. what’s your favorite dynamic of him and his brothers? what makes it your favorite?
8. what’s your favorite dynamic of him and any other character? what makes it your favorite?
9. do you have your own design/version of mikey? show ‘em off!
10. favorite alter ego of mikey’s? (turtle titan, turflytle, dr delicate touch, etc)
11. favorite outfits of his?
12. what kind of music do you think mikey would listen to?
13. what’s something about mikey that nobody seems to talk about that should be talked about more?
#teenage mutant ninja turtles#tmnt michelangelo#tmnt mikey#Mikey ask game#sorry if I got carried away#I like Mikey a normal amount#I swear
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Fellas can you take this somewhere else. Maybe. Just not in the fucking halls. Thanks 🫡
I couldn't resist drawing out these tags I wrote on a dif post LMFAO
Moe just has...... SO many problems.......
Close-ups of my fave shots!
The elusive Líf...
#fire emblem#feh#i'm like. split between feeling proud of this and feeling So Over It LMFAOOOOOOO#which is why. lighting could be better. but i don't care enough to put in more work than i already have LMFAOO#LIKE... ONE COOL PART is this could be my first fully colored comic piece w completely original dialogue???#where like. i didn't quit at any point of it. EXCEPT. skimping on the backgrounds. but again. more effort than i'm willing to put in#but i think it still counts bc my only real plan was to have the askr pillars/walls as framing/backdrops#ALSO the characterization... in the panel where lif walks into frame. it's SO fun to me#they both look at lif. but moe is Not subtle about it. looking directly at him. while alfonse side-eyes him.#and the most IMPORTANT detail. is that alfonse and lif are making the same kind of face. like 🤨#there is SO MUCH POTENTIAL. in alfonse and lif sharing facial expressions. in having the same knee-jerk reactions to things.#and it's espppp fun to figure out bc you're only working w half of lif's face. it's all in the eyes/brows and SOMETIMES!#SOMETIMES!!!! it's in the nose! in this illust he is more relaxed/resting so you don't see it here#but i'm TELLING you. adding some scrunch to the nose can add soooo much expression-wise#this took longer than i expected it to. also. which is why i'm so over it LMFAOO#but i do think the extra time was worth it... first run of the last panel was too lighthearted/jokey#capturing some conflict between moe/alfonse was the right choice. in how intensely this starts off (tonally)#AND! in showing how they do butt heads at times. in fact sometimes they clash REALLY badly!!!!#which is actually so huge bc i've wanted to capture this since the beginning. how they're so similar but also so opposite#that a lot of times! they understand each other deeply and cover each other's basis. HOWEVER.....#other times. it's just catastrophic. like it isn't That intense here but you can probably see how it goes horribly wrong.#i am... always thinking about it.... and only occasionally stressing myself out about it LMFAOOO#fe alfonse#fe lif#moe tag#summoner oc#my art#my comics
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.
#personal#thinking about how the phrase treat others how you want to be treated is actually incredibly one way#unless damn near every person ive ever met wants to be treated like shit which i cant imagine is true#like idk i spent a lot of my time giving my energy to people. and ill never feel bad for putting love and kindness out into the world#but i gave some of these people everything i had. or not everything that would diminish me but everything i could spare for them at the time#i treated them attentively and considerately and tenderly and lovingly#and that kindness has not been extended back to me by most of these people#some of them have surely in their own 'love language' and im grateful for these people in my life#but most of the people ive treated with intentional care have actively and on purpose caused me a lot of emotional harm#which again. im working through and like karma will get them without me needing to be there or whatever while i do my own healing#but regardless i still think some of that shit should not have happened like it did#i dont understand how everyone can say to me treat others how youd like to be treated but not tell me the caveat#that they will not treat me the way i want to be treated even if i put in that effort for them/for our friendship or relationship or whatevr#like idk im a bitch for asking you to leave me alone when ive been vomiting for two days straight but you can straightup sexually misconduct#with my body and then when i write poetry about it and share my feelings instead of leaving and taking that information anywhere helpful#you get to decode youre traumatized actually and im still a bitch for bringing it up?#make it make sense#'treat others the way you want to be treated' so youd like it if i starved you and verbally insulted and gaslight and manipulated you? no?#then what the fuck is the point of you saying that to me???#idk im just fucking pissed rn that. idk what im pissed at. cause again i know im no contact with all of these people now and their#shitty justice will find its way to them. and i cant be mad at myself for saddling with the wrong people cause some of that was my choices#and some of it was blood i couldnt escape for a long time. and i said i dont want to regret or resent#putting love out to the world#but i am still angry that so much of me was given to the wrong people. that these people just chose to completely ignore#the level of respect and patience and kindness i showed them#idk dudes im just angry. 'treat others the way you want to be treated' fuck off thats some quiet manipulation bullshit to get me to be#nicer to you even as you abuse the self-worth outta me fuck off fuck you#i found it again. you cant bury it im too full of love to not love myself too but it hurts how hard they tried for so long#'treat others the way you want to be treated' how bout no. how bout i treat everyone with a base level of kindness#and when youve shown me that you will treat me the way i deserve to be treated then ill fucking play niceys back
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(re-ish)watching ncis in 2023 is like came for the murder and crime solving, stayed for the absolutely unhinged tiva plotline
#zanna talks#ncis you beautiful mess of a show#like yeah it's blatantly nationalistic and Very post9/11 and us military propaganda#it likes to be misogynistic and xenophobic and try to play it as a joke#sometimes gibbs will do things that make me feel ill#and also it looooves praising cops and idolizing the maverick mentality and villifying defense lawyers#um point being it's got a lot of flaws and if i hadn't associated it with childhood nostalgia i'm not sure i could have made it far enough#in my rewatch to hit the point where it actually feels worth it past being a good distraction when i feel bad#like the point where you watch tony really start to grow and the plotlines get better and the relationships deepen etc#but man when it hits it hits#wild to watch it as an adult and realize actually the tiva stuff was there all along with effort put in and it wasnt just me making it up#75% of the time theyre just sniping at each other and being annoying coworkers but sometimes they give u a glimpse#not just of how good thye are as a dynamic but just the mcrt in general?#tony burning the letter from jeanne and trying to let go after realizing his team is like his family??#them being the ones to get ziva out of somalia and not her shitty bio dad and sticking up for her when she wants out???#them always believing in each other when they get framed ?? thanksgiving together??#coworkers as family is highly unrealistic in this day and age and maybe just in general but im willing to allow it bc man. they care.#sorry this got. away from me. what was i even talking about#ncis
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(copy/pasting this last paragraph bc i literally hit the mobile image limit tumblr when i get you:)
also. i think chiaki wants in one day after seeing them. nagito is Immensly upset about this but keeps his composure . because now hajime is his knees and that's fine too.. i hink chiaki's trying to be careful to not dirty but hajimes like "u cant garden right if ure too scared of getting kinda dirty! god made dirt and dirt dont hurt ^o^" (this is also how he justifies eating slightly dirted from dropping food. i mean he is a farmboy i dont doubt he wouldnt od that.) LOLL toodles ^w^
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OKAY. so tumblr hates fun and glitched this ask out so i couldn’t answer it but i do not care i Will Answer It.
@spinecurlingmice (@ing you so u get the notif) i could kiss you on the mouth MWWWAH this is gorgeous and lines up so well with things i already have in mind for priest au. literally everything here fits into the canon i have in mind it’s perfect. i’ve been wanting to do more worldbuilding and such but i get really tired (lots of research…. lots and lots of googling) and you’ve done such an important thing for me by finding incredible plant symbolism. mwwah mwah mwah thank youuuu <333 obsessed with a lot of this but this post is long as hell already so it’s tags time
#ask#mice#priest au#i really really love how hajime being there gets nagito to put more effort into the church#through hajime’s sacrifice of his own self worth and determination he betters his community#GOD that’s such good metaphors. also keeping up appearances yumyum#obsessed with your plant choices. dahlias have so much fun symbolism it is SO clever to include them… aren’t they toxic too..#the kmda checking out hnta while he gardens… i actually think hnta would be kind of oblivious to this at first#he always feels like he’s being watched at church. like there’s eyes boring into him at all times#…he must finally be feeling the presence of God!#OH and the cash thing… ur so real#without sharing too much. when kmda inherited the church from his parents he also inherited a fair amount of. tithings.#he likes to keep the church humble so he doesn’t spend too much at first. just keeps the place clean and maintained and pretty#but not like. opulent. fanciest thing in there is the stained glass#but then hajime shows up. and all these little purchases start to appear— and; well; they better the church so it’s justified#hajime being proud of having His Watering Can like a dog boasting about its tags… so good#naming the lily ‘shelby.’ he’s so cute i love him#ALSO HNTA ESSENTIALLY WORKING TWO JOBS…. ‘i’m devoting myself to the lord this is good this is good’ (he is exhausted)#also ‘god made dirt and dirt don’t hurt’ that’s soooo cute. no u don’t understand how cute that is#ohhhhh my little farm boy…. :((( into torment realm you go hurry along now#i need to get some architecture sketches of the town down…. general city plan + some of the important buildings#that’ll be kinda fun to figure out actually
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I've noticed I have more joint pain recently but like 90% of the time it's a ten second burst at most and isn't even all that intense so idk if it's worth bothering about or not
#bambi's rambling#vent#tw vent#<- not really moreso in case people dont feel like looking at this kinda thing lol#i did tell my mom about it a while back because i wanted to know if it lined up at all with what she experiences#(she's got several conditions that are genetic so it would be good to know if i'm showing symptoms of what she has)#but all she did was tell me i need to exercise more#to be fair i probably do#i did try keeping track of the pain at one point but as it turns out. i am Bad at remembering to keep track of stuff#especially when it's stuff like getting a mild pain in my hand for like five seconds when i'm busy working on something#it happens a couple of times a week now at least i know that much#but at the same time its not that often. it doesnt last long. it doesnt majorly impact how i do stuff#so i feel like its probably not worth the effort to look into it
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😮💨
[sorry for the hardcore tag rants, y'all]
#more than a little exhausted by certain things#no stability anywhere in life#not in work or family or even friends#would settle for literally just one single shred of continuity and reliance#one single piece of my life I can count on to be there for me and reliable and safe#just a shred of something or someone being there for me in the long run#work has proven garbage#family is so fucking volatile it might as well be an unhandled explosive#and the very few threads of friendship I've found and thought were worth the time and effort to strengthen have just#left me abandoned or floundering doing either all the work to be left behind or what I can to be uncounted for#either nothing or not enough and not counted for in the long run#because apparently my friendship is just as forgettable or easily disregarded as every other part of me#or at least that's how it definitely fuckin feels#and I'm So Spooked when it comes to making friends!#I'm scared to connect with people who actually seem genuinely interested in getting to know me and talk to me!#and that sucks bc I want to get to know them but everyone else seemed interested at first too and then a few months later!#they're just as hard to get in touch with as everyone else who turns away!#I don't want to annoy anyone or be too much anymore#I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt like a big giant fucking baby!#i know it's mostly on me and managing shit but it still just. sucks ASS.#I don't wanr to be scared to make friends because people abandon me#I don't want to run people off#I want to be better and have better because I know I deserve it#sorry for ranting I'm just. incredibly jacked up about some more recent stuff bc it brought up long term stuff#i am not immune to hating myself bc of bad friends#anyway yeah sorry i am done grambling#grant grumbles#grambling is my new grant grumbles extra#also to you amazing guys who are so full of love (myccc and hack!!!!!) ily tons and you bring me life#i am trying to be just as cool and worthy as you both!!!! please don't ever leave me! you keep me going even if I don't show it well!!!
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so much of "my roommate is a cat" hinges on the fact that subaru is autistic i forget that's not an actual canon thing. like genuinely i don't know how someone can understand the show if they don't understand subaru.
#i love my roommate is a cat it's the ultimate soft cozy comfort show#and one of the best autism-''representation'' shows#yeah subaru is autistic (and likely socially anxious) and the series is about him breaking out of his shell and making friends#but the narrative is so enormously empathetic towards him#it's not about ''needing to make friends so you can fit into society better and not be a loner outcast''#it's ''making friends is so hard (esp. if you're autistic) and it might be more appealing to just Not but human connection is so worth it''#''people will care about you. people do care about you as you already are.''#''yes it's on you to put in the effort and you will stumble but the benefits far outweigh them''#''cats are so cool''#astra rambles#personal#subaru mikazuki top five characters of all time.#everyone watch my roommate is a cat this is an order /hj
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"haney why you don't like watching movies you're missing out sm" you see, first, my brain is actually held together by a few loose screws and a string. second, I am scared of the moving image. hope this explains
#patxt#watching a movie or a show always ends up with me being more or less unwell and I am a big fan of actually being grounded so.#just not worth the effort okay. I am aware I am missing out on so so so much good stuff tho 😭#watching am action movie and seeing people die is like frying my brain on a heated pan omlette style fml#and then i also have autism and movies are so fucking over stimulating there's just like. too much. of everyhring#I watch a movie from time to time tho >:) when I feel like I'll be able to hsndla all that
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..
#all you wanna do is cook dinner for people and it has to be a goddamn ordeal#tbd it has been a long chronically ill day with poor communication from the household and friends#and now i wish i hadn't spent the money on lamb chops for tonight and gumbo ingredients for tomorrow#because god forbid it not all perfectly align with the schedules of the household and god forbid people not be clear in their communication#id have made something else entirely if I'd known I'd have been the only one eating tonight i wouldn't have gone to the shops#id have made pantry pasta and bought some cheap wine at most and reconsidered how much i wanted to invest in Mardi gras#but now ive spent the money and tentatively invited people half of whom likely wont show and based on tonight#im not even sure its worth the effort because with my luck by the time its all made no one will be interested or show up
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"if only i can prove enough y through my efforts at x then z will be guaranteed" so true that But It Won't Be Guaranteed Actually. so true that accepting as much means x can be appreciated in its own right
#it's just like bloodsong of love says a couple of particularly crystal clear ways....so true bloodsong of love....#guaranteed i guess that like: one exists in the first place. anything else not so much#beyond that like not sure i'd talk about Gratitude personally lol but appreciation? sure. recognizing value but like grateful? that's okay#or we can all fall back on ''buuut basically good things Will happen to good people & bad things Will happen to bad people'' 5ever#someone in more vulnerable circumstances like wellll probablyyyy they're a bad person to warrant that anywayyyy....#forget the Maybe They're Born With It like if we all like them we all think they're Hot; dislike them? we all think they're Ugly#& Of Course it's this way. thanks to god i guess#anyway just like via note to self like uh oh you weren't straightup appreciating X In Its Own Right....don't put any ideas upon it like#& surely if these efforts are Y enough it will yield Z....hand on shoulder no it won't. aw you're right & it's not a Disappointment#speaking of bloodsong saying that; joe iconis like the most fun time to be on stage at bmc bway being on closing night#b/c there wasn't a sense of anything Hanging In The Balance about it like but if only Y enough then Show Won't Close / As Soon#and then rick moranis was there??? complete coincidence apparently & like i for one don't file that one under divine reward#what with that's not how i think of things & if that is how things are going that's not my business thus far....#but like flipside is how good things happen Outside of an idea they're all always merited through your efforts#& the coincidental good things happened in all the circumstances & contexts around it but nobody Orchestrated that#not to say all effort is a waste & act as though it's all chaos. pointing back to the It Just Doesn't Truly Guarantee Anything#and to the Appreciate The Efforts / Events In Their Own Right Without Thinking That If They Really Have Worth They'll Guarantee Z#so totally unrelated: batman cartoon Beatemup written out sound effects brawling with [the normativity narrative behind Romance]#which is also fascinating to hold up to bsol. You Know Me (rising tone across that) & sure doesn't say romance(tm) is guaranteed#but if People Don't Just Love You probably a bad person then....& if People Do Love You probably guaranteed all the good things then#brawling with Love now like what is being conflated with / subsumed into Other People's Feelings / Other People Wanting Something From You#/ Other People Wanting To Stake A Degree Of Claim Of Ownership Defined By Maximal Exclusivity & you're welcome for all of these
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and so it happens once more
#i love my work. dont get me wrong#but they have the same problem as any other nonprofit ever. and even some for profits actually#they cant turn away ppl that pay them big money to keep running their business#it happened at the last shelter it happens here#board members and big donors are god i get it#but we cant sacrifice what this place means for that <- would be what they say in movies#because you can. you do.#all the time!#you have your morals and mission statements but in the end you cant do any of it without donations#and good public reputation#and when you make an enemy of someone who is a donor or board member or prolific person in the community#you lose everything#you lose your reputation your funding your ability to do what it is youre doing#im just so pissed#i knew it wouldnt be different but i wanted it to be#this time its a board member / donor / landlord for our fucking outreach program#they took in a stray kitten (which is fine-ish not great but its okay since theyre practically an employee)#they scheduled an appt for preventatives and intake which is what we always do to make sure theyre not dying#then they never showed up for it#then they complained about diarrhea but still didnt make any effort to make it here#then the week. the 7 day long period that we are moving. they finally can bring the kitten in#she is in the worst shape ive seen in a while#raw butt from diarrhea. URI and third eyelids swollen. cant hardly walk bc her ass hurts too bad. leaking shit. covered in fleas#she is in more pain than cats we've gotten that were hit by cars#and she was with a FOSTER. a BOARD MEMBER FOSTER.#im so pissed off#all of us are and we dont know what to say#she looks like she was found stuck in a sewer full of her own shit for a week she looks like death#im torn between euth with her because i dont know if the recovery she'll need will be worth the pain#shelter posting
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genuinely it is difficult having cultivated the like. taste in fiction that i have now that i am in a place where i'm trying to talk to people more and make friends and so on and so forth and this is the field i'm having to play on with them. i don't think anyone has to be critic-brained (i do think its good to recognize that media is Authored and to look at things with both eyes open but some people simply enjoy things in other ways and i may get irritated by that but i don't suppose its Wrong) and i have in fact met people who Will meet me in that field but it doesnt change that the field i like to play in is much different and no one is expected to meet me there in the same way i am expected to play ball with marvel fans
#i find criticism and critique allows me a way into that field actually because i do not care for marvel#but if i try to pick it apart and see what its doing i can at least Converse with people about something#but its like. idk. thats an effort i make to talk to people and i dont find people do the same thing for me#and i dont really feel like its fair for me to ask either. in some ways that is me being silly and embarrassed and shy and all that#but in other ways its like well im not going to tell the most normal people i know to read flower that bloomed nowhere with me.#it gives people the impression that i live under a rock! i dont think i live under a rock i know about lots of stuff#its just different stuff and i dont usually talk without prompting and i find it hard to talk about something#if i think the other person wont know about it and ill have to explain it to them and hope maybe they look into it#i have looked into things for other people. i don't find people usually do that for me#there are even situations USUALLY with my mother if im being honest where she will take recommendations seriously#from genuinely everyone BUT me even watching things she'd normally never touch and its like Okay .#...#ive been having a hard week. its probably going to get harder as well (i go back to work tomorrow and i wasted my time off#being in pain and miserable and not being a presence in my own life)#and there is something about showing up to work with worse sh scars than usual and belt bruises on my neck#keeping my head down and not saying anything and having no one say anything to me at all that makes me feel. i dont know#how to word it. had a little breakdown alone in my* room yesterday and found myself sobbing 'help me' a lot#and maybe thats the root of it. i dont feel like people try for me the way i have been trying and it makes me feel like i am not worth#making the effort for. and i also dont know how to express this or ask for help without looking like a brat </3 so#anyway. ignore all that please thats embarrassing.
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Sometimes you have something that you could say, that you think about saying, that you more or less know how you'd phrase it... but it's just not fucking worth it cause you know for a fact that people don't fucking listen
I don't know, I try to stay... if not optimistic then at least with a mind set of "doesn't matter, we've got no choice but to try and make things better"
Truthfully though I think I'm extremely pessimistic when it comes to the chances of anyone actually listening to what I say
I'm not sure if I'm just bad with words but... it seems impossible to convey even simple thoughts to people so... truthfully I've more or less given up and have just stopped trying. Especially if I don't at least know people well
So there it is
#like I could have said this; and I could have said that; and... hmm... I just don't think I would have succeeded in conveying that like...#I'm actually on your side man; I'm in your corner on this#I think you might be tilting at windmills here#but it's not fucking worth it anymore cause history shows me I'd either get no response or one that missed every word I said#and... I just give up... with everything#I don't want to say no one listens because that goes too far; but even with people I like very few people feel like they listen#people I adore where it's like... I'm not sure how you don't get that I can't 'move out' of my house cause... it's my house; like I own it#it's a question of telling someone else they have to leave; but like... I ain't leaving my home... this is mine#and... I don't understand how... this is like the 3rd or 4th time I've had to explain this; and it doesn't add up to me#cause this is someone that's brilliant that I know cares about me#...so I'm mostly confused... and a bit sad and hurt... but mostly I just don't get what I'm doing wrong in communicating#but if that's how I feel about someone I'm close to; how do you think I feel about strangers?#I don't understand what it takes to get people to listen#and like... there's a chance they would have; there's a chance they would have been super receptive#it's just... it's no longer worth the effort to me#it's not worth the effort on a chance; and perhaps I do them a real disservice; and perhaps I do the next person one too#but... there's too many people I run into these days where I'm right and so... I don't know; kinda am closed off at this point#or something; fuck it; doesn't matter#also you people worry too much about me just saying what's on my mind#whatever the fuck I may say here... ain't I cleaning and shit; whatever... hmm...#you'd fucking hate Eeyore; you say you'd like him; but I'm telling you that people can't fucking accept someone being a bit morose#you'd bother him to cheer up; you say you'd accept him; but I'm saying you wouldn't#and I'm saying you wouldn't cause no one can just let me say shit that's on my mind without making a big deal out of it#like at what point do I earn the right to not have to fix myself on top of all the other shit I'm trying to fix?#at what point does taking practical actions to try and improve my situation make up for me saying gloomy shit sometimes?#whatever... doesn't matter#if there's one thing I've learned in life it's that people care very much; and they're fucking horrible at actually supporting people#most people want to very much and suck very badly at it; in part cause they can't just sit with someone; they're always trying to fix thing#mm tag so i can find things later
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Someone asked me if I take constructive criticism on one of my posts, so I told them I do if they reblog my post and say within the it the reasons why I am wrong. It's been about two days and they haven't replied yet. :/
#rambles#the main reason why is primarily because debates within the replies is extremely annoying#there's not enough characters to get a decent answer out addressing all points#that and like....#the fact that they're going to confine their reasonings as to why i'm wrong to the replies shows that like.....#they dont see the point in fully explaining why i'm wrong. they're not going to back it up with logic and evidence#it's really easy to point fault#it takes way more time and effort to defend yourself than to point fault#it's really lazy thinking#and it's done more to paint someone as the fool#don't ever argue with these kinds of people. they're not worth your time#but i also gave them that response because like...#i don't believe people have the right to debate if they don't put their name behind it#if they're just gonna hide in the replies that shows they're not confident enough to stand behind what they say#why waste my time with that?#it's insulting and demeaning to me to put up with such lazy and weak arguments#i wish people realized tho that me telling them to put their name behind what they say like...#puts me in the same level of precarious situation as them#i give them the ability to prove me wrong on my blog... one that has a decent amount of followers#technically i have more to lose#also i am not mean... as long as you dont give me attitude it's not like i'm going to humiliate or mock you#why cant we just have a debate and discuss to our heart's content?
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