When you lose a mother's tenderness, you lose everything
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itsuguru’s tireless quest for meaning. this is quite possibly the most relatable aspect of his character and also⎯and hear me out, okay, i will explain⎯the greatest foreshadowing of his mental state.
far be it from me to praise gege for character depth in the most recent arc, i have to give credit where credit is due, even if it’s accidental.
in the depths of my depression, the only thing i’ve held on to is that there must be meaning. if i were to end my life, there would have to be a meaning to it. a meaning to all the pain i caused. to inflict that violence. to all the pain it caused me. in the depths of academic and social and various other strains of burnout, all i could hold onto was that my suffering had meaning. because otherwise, it wouldn’t be fair.
there’s a quote floating around on instagram (and tiktok, i would assume) from a show i do not recognize but i think it sums everything up nicely: “because if i don’t, that means that all the damage i got isn’t good damage. it’s just damage.”
suguru’s eyes tremble when he considers killing the star plasma cult. satoru gives him an out⎯he wouldn’t feel anything in that moment if he did. but suguru would, and that’s why he says no. and this is where it becomes abundantly clear; riko’s death isn’t necessarily the moment that sends suguru spiraling.
it’s that her death had no meaning.
she had already turned down destiny and walked away from fate. tengen survives without her, so clearly, she didn’t have to die. she could walk away too, tengen wasn’t calling to her. so conversely, she didn’t have to merge.
what other meaning could her death have had?
riko’s meaningless death sets off a chain reaction where all suguru can see is the lack of meaning. no matter what he does, it has no meaning. no matter how hard he tries to be good, there is no meaning left. all he can do is create his own⎯and with how cracked and warped his mental state is, he absolutely shatters.
and, in a cruel, ironic, bittersweet twist of fate, it’s only fair (if you believe in that sort of thing) that his atonement is that his death has no meaning either.
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Love a self-inflicted time loop. The main character isn’t trapped. They can stop whenever they want. But how can they when things aren’t perfect yet? They can do better than this. They need to try again. They can get it right this time. They just need to try again. They can stop anytime they want. Just one more time. They can fix this. They just need to try again. There are still things to fix. They just need to try again.
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Tbh? I don't like Paul. I don't want Paul. I understand that Paul serves an important narrative function and that Paul is the best possible ending for Camilla and Palamedes given their situation, personalities, and relationship. However what I really want is for Camilla and Palamedes to attend the ATN wedding as two individual humans and for Pal to be a lightweight who loses his tie in the garden fountain after three drinks and for Camilla to do exactly one shot with the group, keep Gideon from ripping the sleeves off her dress shirt, and absolutely kill it at lawn games during cocktail hour. Since this scenario is a wild tonal mismatch for the series and also Palamedes was already dead, this was unlikely to ever happen. However Paul is the final nail in the coffin for the theoretical existence of this scene and I can't help but resent them for that
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Qifrey as a character is so deeply rooted in anger and desperation and obsession and yet he's so incredibly patient and kind with his students. He guides them, he lets them heal, he gives them the words he desperately wanted as a child. He doesn't use his pain as an excuse to take it out on his students. He's not perfect, he absolutely gets blinded by his desperation at times, but his priority will always be to protect the futures of those he cares for (even as his own falls apart). He doesn't want anyone acting as recklessly as he does but he won't ever stop being reckless for their sakes. His gentleness and kindness are not things he started out with, but things he learned and fought to grasp and keep and pass on to the ones he loves. Qifreyyyy
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