#interactive personal diary time
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Like, ive been in fandom spaces for almost a decade but i didnt really interact much with other people. And i still dont, i post my opinions, sometimes talk in dms, rarely do i send asks etc. Idk. Im a bit averse to Big Fandom Discussions i guess? I like to live in my own little world but even here i dont like diverging much from canon, even if i have the freedom. Anyway ive been watching sarah z's videos on bbc sherlock recently and was reminded that i did write theories about the show when i was 14 too, like everyone else in the fandom, naturally. But i dont think i ever posted them? They're all in a sketchbook at my parents' house, like journal entries almost. I had no idea about all the drama in the johnlock conspiracy greater fandom until i watched these videos. And i was always confused by the mormor fandom cuz i couldnt really understand the appeal of fanon. I think ive gotten better though, not at participating in it necessarily, it's part of why i dont really read fanfics much, and when i find one i like it's a very precious thing to me, but at least at understanding. This too is a journal entry btw but on tumblr cuz i use it as an interactive personal diary these days.
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What is mihai trying to say with this post, if there even is a point? Do you think this is relevant for her personal lore? Is this perhaps something others can relate to, and that is why he is posting it? Has something like this happened to you?
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The feed ID doesn’t need to say anything other than what everyone else’s says, just name, gender, and…” She trailed off. She was looking at me and I was looking at her. - Martha Wells, Fugitive Telemetry (The Murderbot art I used is the official cover art from the French edition of ASR)
#murderbot#the murderbot diaries#yeah i'm playing around with the murderbot cover art again :)#this murderbot is from the french edition of ASR! i think it's one of my favorite cover armor designs! i love that spine#i only wanted to make a cute pink aesthetically pleasing edit with murderbot's feed id but then i was thinking#about how murderbot's feed ID is super minimalistic and doesn't tell people anything about it really#(and how it actually would have preferred a null feed ID???#remember?? 'here on preservation it meant 'please don’t interact with me.' it was perfect' sgdhhjsgdjhsd ily murderbot)#vs. what i can only imagine is going in murderbot's private feed gsdhjgsdhfg#idk. i might be projecting but mb seems like a 254 tabs open at all times kinda person to me#also idk this seems kinda analogous to#mb opaquing its helmet in ASR vs. all the emotions and expressions that are happening underneath the helmet :)#(oh and this is not really how i envision the feed it's more of a visualization of how i imagine the feed works)#(and stylized in a way that was easiest for me to edit together sdhfgjhfg)#(also i KNOW that they don't have ao3 and youtube and spotify and wikihow etc etc but. i was having fun with this okay)#(and this already took an embarrassingly long time to put together as it is without me trying to design new forms of media welp)#ANYWAYS#more pink murderbot aesthetics from me because i'm a simple creature and pink is fun#𓄿
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The more comfortable I get with the inpatient workflow (knowing how to order things, how certain things work and are done, how to navigate the EMR, etc), the more happy I am to realize that inpatient rotations aren't actually all that bad in terms of the work of them. They suck specifically because they are exhausting 12-13 hour days, 6 days a week and you simply do not get to have a life while you're on this rotation but while I'm at the hospital, it's pretty much fine.
I wish I had the time and energy to work out and also not eat two out of my three meals every day of hospital food, and more time to rest, but I'm also relieved that I definitely do not actively dread or fear going to work every day like I was worried I might. Like, it sucks, but it's not active misery, yfm? My spirits are high. Definitely not super tenable, though.
Also, I have ED next and honestly fuck the emergency department. So glad there are people out there that enjoy emergency medicine, but I am simply not ADHD enough for that shit. I didn't have any bad shifts on my first ED rotation but I still disliked the whole workflow and baseline stress levels.
Anyway, things that did stress me out this week (CW dire hospital shit):
lady who kept threatening to leave the hospital against medical advice because she hated being there that much, even though she had an infection for which she needed an IV-only antibiotic or else she would almost certainly die. everything kept going wrong. she could go home with a central or midline cath; her line was peripheral; picc team couldn't put in a picc line because of her surgical history, so we had to go to interventional radiology and put in a Hickman line; we found this out on Friday and so she wasn't scheduled until Monday; on Monday she almost got moved to the next day because there was an emergency bleed during her time that IR was needed for and she said if we didn't get her scheduled in 45 minutes she was leaving the hospital. ended up discharging her at like 6pm on Monday and I ended up crying at work on Friday (the 13th! yay,,) in the resident library which surprised even me but apparently I'm not immune to "so WHAT if I die?? what do I have to live for? cancer and pain?" after three days of doing my best to juggle "doctor" with "therapist" every time I saw her. she likes me a lot which I think means I did a decent job but that really ran out my emotional energy.
the dude whose nurse called me three times in 45 minutes while I was trying to juggle discharging the above lady and doing my first admit. he was throwing things at the walls in his room because he wanted a cough drop and simply could NOT wait. what the fuck ever.
#personal#residency#dear diary#a patient asked me “do you even get days off here?!” today#and I was like “I get one! :)”#and she was like “DANG SORRY I ASKED”#very funny interaction she's a great lady#no offense to her but I hope I never see AMA lady again#also I will say my attending and seniors have been incredibly supportive#my attending went with me to talk to AMA lady after that and it was like magic#and one of my seniors on ED stayed past his shift end time with me to have the#“your first time crying at work because you work in medicine don't worry we have all done it” talk with me haha
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Can’t a bitch have a mental health day without someone immediately trying to make it theirs instead!
#the shitty thing about suddenly having all of these followers that interact with me now#is that I used to use this blog to scream into the void#like a little diary or something#but now I have an audience and it’s weird#anyway THATS WEIRD HUH GUYS#I’m like#hey idk im feeling really upset by these things going on in my life right now and I think I need some time#and THEYRE like#oh no yeah for sure#anyway suddenly I am also so sad and I cried myself to sleep and I really need your support right now#WHAT LOL#whatever whatever whatever#I guess I get to continue playing mom to my friend group#personal#I know I always play support#for you guys#and I know I’m always the DM#and I always listen to your problems and help fix them#and I’m always making you presents and packages and whatnot#but please#sometimes#just sometimes#I want to be able to be taken care of too
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I hate “love at first sight” or like instant infatuation in most cases but I think it’s a trope that CAN be done super well it just rarely is. there’s nothing exciting or interesting about two hot people who see each other & instantly fall in love all by itself nonsensically like idk I just don’t believe in that & find it dull. but there’s a way to do it where it’s like “YEAH that makes perfect sense” like two people who suffered something brief but absolutely insane together & can never let go of the thought of one another or someone who saw someone else do something crazy or really fucking cool or stupid & can’t let it go or someone totally isolated who’s decided to make the first person they’ve interacted with or who helped free them into this total savior who walks on water like it CAN be such a neat trope you just gotta sell it right.
#romance#I like to think I did it well with azula & katara in scream au#I mean they had seen each other before they went to the same school they just didn’t think about each other before That Night#it’s probably the only time I’ll write that instant infatuation for them#instant obsession sure but the romance should typically be slowburn for Azutara imo#anyway what this is actually about is my original WIP#I think Alice’s instant obsession with Nick makes perfect sense#given she’s a hopeless romantic & he’s a hot guy & the first person who’s not her sibling that she’s interacts with in 30 years#& he’s a journalist who’s parents just died of course he’s instantly obsessed with the beautiful ghost girl who proves#theres life beyond death & also introduces him to an intricate mystery that gets his investigative blood flowing#stairway#I need to post about this project even if only like 2 of you are reading it#it keeps me myself invested ok#this blog is really just a diary
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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(rant in the tags, might be triggering or something)
#not to be a bitch and rant on tumblr but WHERE ELSE this is my diary since 2011 etc.#soooo i've been very alone for the last two weeks because my fiance is in germany at work and i am at home also working#and oir flatmate is spending the last weeks before uni at home so i've been absolutely alone for weeks now#the only time i talk to people is at work and it's starting to have some weird effect on me because.... i miss work lol#because i miss talking to people and just some interaction.... i am generally a loner and i like spending time in my own company!!!!#but#..... thats just too long. i feel bad and alone and unhealthy. and above all sad.#and today i talked to my friend from work like yeah so it's saturday maybe wine in the late evening?? and she said maybe#and then after a few hours it was no soery i can't i am too tired which. VALID girl i understand#but i let myself hope that i won't be alone tonight and idk maybe have some fun some karaoke whatever#and then#well it won't happen#i feel horrible#i shouldn't but i do#i feel like i will start talking to the walls because i've been talking to myself for too long#also i have the massive urge to just get drunk alone but also like what's the point. of anything#personal#alcohol tw#depression tw#uhh
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I've been keeping a video diary for the past two years to help with my ruined 🌟 mental health 🌟 and I officially stopped on new years day this year, as it served its purpose perfectly and Oh My God I am loving not having to capture something everyday, it's been a big relief to just exist and let time flow without reminding myself to document anything. It was exactly what I needed in 2022 to help me reconnect with my physical body and recognise my face and see myself in my own life the way I needed it, and in 2023 it was perfect for capturing my joys and loved ones and everything I was grateful or proud of, and now I'm ready to just live organically and I am Loving not having to take a video everyday!! Ugh its so good.
#honestly it was one of the best practical things I started doing to help myself back in 2022#in total 2022 had a total of 23 minutes of edited memories#and 2023 (so far as I'm still working on editing December) has about 37 minutes#it's brought me so much joy and happiness watching it back#i did journals for certain events like my birthday and concerts which used a lot of footage and longer clipa#and then cherrypicked from those to add to the yearlong journal#i also compared my summers to my winters#it was super interesting seeing how my priorities shifted and my self consciousness slipped away over time#it sounds odd but i became very fond of seeing myself in videos talking about things i was passionate about or making jokes#i got used to hearing my own laughter and accent#i grew affectionate of my own weird little facial expressions and the way I grin like a maniac when i got excited#it was like falling in love with the idea of myself alongside stitching back together my own image of mself as an interactive reallife self#with the physical body i could observe interacting in my life and see in the mirror#probably the healthiest thing i did for myself in 2022 was committing to that diary#and the healthiest thing for me now is taking the training wheels off and flying#so yeah#absolutely loving not remembering to have my phone 24/7#personal#rambles
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your fave mcd character is autistic
#sorry. except im not. they’re all autistic#let me break this down for u#katelyn vylad travis all duh. like obviously. are u insane#garroth has a hard time interacting with ppl and is always masking and has ten million sensory issues. is a completely different person in—#—the comfort of the guard tower. he has a list of rules for interacting w other ppl bc he was trained in this as a kid literally#zenix also duh. like hello.#kc DUH. canonically a catgirl. cute stuff is her spIn#lucinda actually has adhd tho. the only non autistic character#mcd#minecraft diaries#q dicit#anyways. whatever
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#I gave my mommy a bartskull for her car and she hung it up right away :3#my student cancelled so I didn’t go hang out so I just went right to my moms and we went to Starbucks and to a couple stores#and then we went home and planned costume stuff#and I wanted a hair cut so bad and the only appointment they had was like IMMEDIATELY so we left and then me and my mom both got one#we look so good I love her#and then we went and got lunch w her husband my buddy and then I hung out w Andy and we watched law and order I love barba I love making#like ytp sounds when he comes on screen and andy repeats them I love goofer to goofer interactions#and my mom was tired so she went to sleep while we watched and then when she got up we started costume stuff for real#we have like 3 of the pieces half done but we need to go get a special foot for the sewing machine or something#idk she’s the genius I’m just there#me and Lydia are gonna look so so so insane at the Boston concert I’m so excited#I need to make a bunch more bracelets I want to just give them away again#and it stormed super bad on the way home I was worried my car was going to get struck by lighting and I was scared I was going to crash#and I was crying so then I was more worried I was going to crash but I was fine and also I got gas I hate pouring gas they need ppl that#like pump it for you bc I don’t want to anymore#ough tk mom is waking up so early and I told her to call me so I will also get up early bc I need to most time possible to costume work#bc I have to be on a plane in like 6 days lol WITH THAT COSTUME in my suitcase#ough okay I love personal diary posting my apologies#my posts#byeeee byebye :-)
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i need to meet another schizo and see if our neurodivergency clicks the way the other ones click with each other . im Failing at being nd bro
#sometimes i’ll use the term autism because it’s way easier than saying ‘my neurodivergent symptoms resulting from schizoaffective disorder#that align with symptoms of autism’ but im not actually autistic#my brain doesn’t click the way i thought it would with other people#like it does a little but it’s. off#i wonder if that’s because of the wiring or if i’m still just bad at interacting with people#contemplating the human brain and how interconnection works between different divergencies#it’s cool watching the way people interact and learning about their deeper personalities in ways you wouldnt expect#people are fascinating. like legit#the expansiveness in the ways which we can evolve and the ways in which we are preprogrammed#what aspects of ourselves we prioritize and how that allows us to connect with others who prioritize similar things#recreating the behaviors you see around you to try and blend in and understand how that social aspect works is so fun sometimes#that makes me sound insane but blending into different groups requires absorbing different humor and styles of expression and communication#it’s vastly different between some groups#i’d love to study people all the time . maybe i should actually go into psychology#but i dont care about the brain itself rather the person#dear diary
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[October/1 of ?] Nightmares fuck reality!
I don't hate Aaron Sorkin anymore. Shocker, I know! Especially to those who've come to know me from the past few years in online spaces, how one of my seasonal bosses in the writing trade shat on the guy's libness for years at this point and so on and so forth. ---- But yeah, I don't hate him anymore. I just don't have it in me to hate a sixty-something guy who very clearly is still stuck in permanent adolescence and, in spite of all the brainrot/brainworms his shit has brought forth, I'm just like... who gives a fuck. ---- Whenever I'm forced to interact with his BS, I honestly just pity him because again: 63 years in this planet and the dude is still obviously getting high off his own (brain)farts. Having interacted with both him and Bret Easton Ellis relatively recently and it astounded me how anybody still gives these old farts the time of day. ---- I don't know: Retire. Or go take writing classes, or try to make friends/fuck-buddies or something, because it was the saddest thing to interact with two men in their early 60's and realize how little of anything they really had to say. ---- But yeah: In his obsession with writing about the "great man", I guess he forgot to live his own life and it's kinda pitiable, so moral of the story: Try to live your best life? Anyway, talk to you laters!
#diary#journals of an old bastard#ptw#poison the well#poison the well reference#you come before you still absolutely rips 20 years later#speaking of being stuck in 'perpetual adolescence'#lol. lmao even#aaron sorkin#on pity#the west wing i feel gets actively worse every time I've tried to rewatch it. like sure it has a decent cast but come on#also most actors in it were just OK: Like outside of Martin Sheen it's basically Allison Janney as the press secretary#Dulé HIll as the POTUS' personal aide and Stockard Channing as FLOTUS. Everyone else's performances are painfully mid#which is hilarious given how much of a starfucker Sorkin is#there's plenty to whine about wrt TWW because it has aged terribly but everyone keeps acting like it was The Sopranos#but also who gives a shit. Having interacted with the guy via an online meeting it's hilarious just how truly out of touch he is
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So, just had the weirdest social interaction of my life. I'm at the station and this lady comes towards me. She looks pretty casual, just a youngish (20s-30s) woman wearing a t-shirt and jeans, but she's obviously approaching me. I figure she's going to ask for money or try to spread the word of Jesus or something.
"Hey," she says with a small smile "You look really nice!"
"Thanks?"
"I love your hair."
I smile and nod. I figure she'll tell me what she's after next.
"Do you sing at all?"
This was not what I was expecting at all. "No?"
"Have you tried?" She's still looking at me with the same smile.
At this point I was pretty freaked out and overwhelmed with the unfamiliar social situation. I didn't know what to make of this so I started to walk of saying "I can't, I'm sorry." as I go. She stays where she was, watching me leave, looking mildly disappointed.
I'm almost sorry I left now. It was just so baffling. I can't figure out what she wanted. Was she trying to recruit me for a cult that involved singing? Was she trying to cast me in an upcoming musical? Was she trying to distract me as her assassin friend snuck up behind me? Was she secretly a wizard from another realm and I match the exact description of their musical chosen one? I'm at a loss.
#story#personal#diary#blah#social interaction#autism#<- to explain the context of my reaction#help me out tumblr I have no idea what was happening here#if this is some code or something please tell me#I think maybe the religion angle is the most likely still#there can be quite a preamble sometimes#but at a station? At that time of night?#so weird
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Spending time in the gallery, doing interactive shit ✨
I love going to see any type of art because it’s very therapeutic to me.
Plus my partner is an artist so he enjoys it too ✨
#love#vibes#personal#earth#personal diary#my post#fantasy#art gallery#paintings#still life#interactive gallery experience#my day#November#quality time
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parkour was fun btw even if my hands are ripped to shreds now..... also one of the community leaders (who I admittedly have a baby crush on.... any pronoun dykes unite!!!!!) said he'd get me a free pair of lesbian flag laces for my trainers by the next jam <3 😭😭
#it was only 4 of us this time.... theyre planning the next sesh for the weekend tho so hopefully more ppl can join#i need to dig some vegan baking recipes back up cuz I keep forgetting how many of them dont/cant eat dairy#and i like baking things to take w me hehehe#at least it means i have a lot of brownies leftover so i can take them to the climbing social on thurs >:)#pray for my muscles to recover by then.... today was abt explosive movements so it was INTENSE#I keep forgetting that im a bit of an extrovert like I always feel SOOO energised and upbeat after hanging out w them#who knew isolating myself and barely leaving the house or talking to anyone would make my depression Worse.#I hope I can like. keep reminding myself of that and keep pushing myself to go to social things like this bc I do rly rly need it#and itll become even more crucial over the next few months with the seasonal shit kicking in too.....#I love calling w friends online too but im a very physical person I need to interact irl w a lot of ppl regularly to stay sane yknow#anyway water tank should be hot by now im gonna go shower and then watch smth peace out ✌️#.diaries
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Honestly the things I'd DO if I knew how to work neocities... y'all would FALL FLAT ON YOUR ASSESS Except no you wouldn't bc my big project is just S/S centric and I don't think 98% of the ppl who follow me care about my intricate mind palace lore but the page would fuck so hard anyway...
#luly talks#like i went from It can be like a little diary haha to This Should Be Interactive And All The Pages Personalized.#bc im yet unable to code all i do is write the text that'll be inside the page ^_^ one step at a time 😁
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