#instead of treating me like im weird
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
anyways!
i think i am very mental ill and emotionally damaged from just wanting someone to really want to be seen with
to act like they really like and love me in public
but i would have to show them instead of being surprised and thought of and put more actionable work into
i am not worth that much work to you
you are already too tired for this relationship
you already put in too much of whatever of yourself is here
and yet when we are together in front of people, it feels like me vs everyone including you in the room
you sink into everyone else in the room, you are less mine and more of just whatever the room feels like to you
#and then some cute shit happens with another couple#and you start to act weird around me#as if i started acting weird#when you know i just think about us#and how we just aren't them#we don't compliment each other in front of anyone#we aren't close to each other when in front of other people#we don't hold hands or look into each others eyes to make sure that we are okay#we are just there#two separate bumps on the same log#and i am just really fucking tired of it#because you could just ask what i be thinking about in those moments#instead of treating me like im weird#or i have to say something first and feel unheard the entire time because you never want to talk in depth or say enough words to comfort me#but i better not say anything because then you'll just start doing it because i said#meh
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I truly wish I had any artistic talent just so I could lowkey redo all dramione fanart with Astoria because oh my god the ratio of dramione to drastoria fan content is so heartwrenchingly depressing
#if youre a dramione fan plz dont come for me#i just want this poor woman to be acknolwdged as a human being#AND THEY PRACTICALLY ALL INCLUDE SCORPIUS IN THEM SO 🤷🏻♂️SHOULD BE ASTORIA ANYWAYZ🤷🏻♂️🤷🏻♂️#astoria greengrass for president plz#stop making her some weird surrogate i beg of you#i miss her can she come back to life actually#actually guys uhh im god so i get to change canon and also ressurect people so i say shes alive hashtag facts#im yet again in a drastoria mood and feel like an orphaned victorian child begging for food and being stepped on instead#because there is NO CONTENT BECAUSE SHE IS SO UNDERRATED IN HER OWN MARRIAGE 😭😭#i hope all the dramione fans who are suck ups to draco know he would be appaled at how yall treat his WHOLE WIFE#LIKE THAT IS HIS WIFE PLEASE#anyway astoria supremacy bye#i also obviosuly dont condone art theft but some of yall dramione fans are getting far too big for your boots#if youre a drastoria fan dont go anywhere near dramione twitter they are all fucking insane#astoria greengrass#drastoria#im too scared to tag draco malfoy the dramione fans are more likely to find me 🧍🏻♂️#if this is incoherent i blame the fact its half 3 in the morning rn and im finshing a uni assignment so im practically delerious
68 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm on an OC kick and also super indecisive so I spun a wheel (thank you for choosing for me, RNG).
Ricardo is a body guard and is bffs with Marlo. Ricardo's current job is watching after a celebrity's daughter who the public doesn't know even exists. She's just a teenage girl vibing with her mom and getting texts and calls from her dad (who loves her a whole lot and keeps her out of the spotlight very purposefully) and has this bodyguard and his weird friend. Marlo is just vibing with his best friend.
(Also Marlo would absolutely laugh if he heard Ricardo say "someone called me eye candy and it wasn't you and now I think you should call me that")
#my characters#i have an ask in my inbox that has me obsessively thinking about drawing fanart#but i just dont have the energy for what i want to draw for it#its been a rough day guys im dying (allergies and lacking sleep)#(why are allergies so bad today i ask after shoving my face into a cat while knowing im allergic to cats)#there are some prices i will always suffer and pay in life and the cat allergy is one of them you cant keep me away from a cat#im shoving my face in their fur and you CANT STOP ME FROM IT and also they kept bothering me#anyway i got to bed at like 6am after a lot of zoomies and restless legs and then#woke up with both cats in the guest bed with me and man i will not know peace for a few days#worth it tho bc i love them and i will take suffering if it means cattention#i dont really have much to say about the ocs tbh theyre just buddies being guys and then theres a teenage girl sometimes#and people suspect ricardo is her dad and she cant really say no my dads (celebrity) since thats the entire point of rico#so she makes sure its not troublesome for him to have people assume things like that and hes just#idc im in love with my best friend and hes not giving me any kids so not like anyone will start drama if im not with your mom#but he is also ! friends with the celebrity and his wife so he does just go on Family Outings with the wife and daughter#and sometimes marlo because the wife knows of him and invites him sometimes but she treats#rico and marlo like sons instead which is a bit weird to the daughter but she likes her weird fake brothers slash dad and question mark#marlo dyes his hair pink if that matters and has been doing so for a v long time
29 notes
·
View notes
Text
awawawawawawa
#bunny rambles#i was “cleared” to go back to work yesterday but she told me i could use the rest of the time also if i wanted/needed#and im using it. but the little corporateanxietybot who lives in my head and tries to make me be a Good Worker[tm] is SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF#cause she thinks my boss/Dad is gonna scream at and hit her for being Lazy#this is a trauma post also um. didnt expect to name her rn but she's screaming and i cant scream back cause she sounds like alarms and those#scare crustywhitedog so i have to calm that one so i don't meltdown#my wife submitted the RTW date for me so like. its okay im actually taking the time and ik this is necessary also bc. it is clearly unwell#that its freaking out because it's gotten a more than a 2 day break for the first time in a year#ik corporateanxietybot has protected me in some ways but. i gotta kill her so bad. maybe H can help me reformat her somehow .....#i also hate her is the thing. she cant hear me rn bc she's just looping in circles alarming but anyway. i hate her. like Me. she's so#capitalismcorebootlicker and i hate that about her and i hate that she exists and i hate that she exists bc my dad raised me to be an#Employee instead of a person 🙃🙃🙃🙃#im not elaborating or explaining any of this. this is a diary entry now#i wish i could click her to kill her like the drones in hardcoded lmao it'd be so much easier. ik she like. lives in the work mode mask as#well which is also HARD bc if im not actively thinking Of work or At work she's nonexistent#but shes so LOUD 🙃🙃 like shut up. we're not gonna explode n die from taking an extra week off you're being dramatic our boss isnt Dad#like he LITERALLY isn't Dad. not even close. he's like the most docile man in the world come on ik they're around the same age and both hve#held authority over u but boss checking in wasnt a trap ur not ab to get caught doing wrong ur fiiiiIIIIIIINE#(also corporateanxietybot is not an adult. she's 15 and terrified but she integrated to my work mask which is the problem cause she makes me#a “phenomenal employee” and also makes me work myself sick when she is given the reigns. little devil on my shoulder except the capitalist#system we live under treats her as a positive thing so she gets positive reinforcement at work which only makes her more anxious 😭 i gotta#talk to H about this next Friday huh. also wow. parts work has made it a lot easier for me to acknowledge these behaviors so i can confront#them easier. weird. strange even. so many parts have gotten names this past month n im realizing also why its been so hard to process stuff#but it also has made me kinder to myself. anyway she turned off (her batteries are low since she's been home for a month too) so im gonna#clean myself up and get some food in me and then get some cleaning done
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
On one hand, I want a final fantasy 6 remake, because the game is criminally underrated and the amount of fan content (which is all absolutely fantastic btw) is Not Enough for my neurodivergent, hyperfixating brain.
On the other hand, that would inevitably encourage more people to join the fandom, which would be great, except it seems these days the bigger a fandom gets the more toxic it becomes, and I really like what we have going on over here in our little corner. We all just love the game and its characters and nobody fights about who should and shouldn't date who or who you shouldn't like because they're ~problematique~. Nobody's trying to make one ship morally better than another, nobody's calling anyone names or threatening to doxx people who don't agree with their opinions. It's so peaceful and I love that for us. We're just vibing. Moisturized. Unbothered. In our lane. Flourishing.
#as someone who was in an extremely toxic and chaotic fandom and lowkey still traumatized#to the point where I'm afraid to mention which fandom it was/what my ship was#i have to say#i genuinely love it here#i was nervous at first sharing my ships and headcanons but everyone is so chill i was worried for nothing#thank you to everyone I've interacted with who has made this fandom a healing experience for me#i shudder to think about what some of the people i interacted with in a previous fandom would do with ff6#probably would take edgar's flirting at face value and call him problematic for objectifying women#instead of considering the narrative and what we know about him and the way he actually treats women#my man drinks loving and respecting women juice he's not a creep#or that weird moment with relm that admittedly made me double take before i realized what he meant#theyd have a whole campaign against him lmfao#bc those people boil characters alive until they're just a formless pile of tropes and stereotypes#and seem to disregard all positive aspects of a character they don't like which is fine#but then they go and try to force other people to think like they do and ugh#theres a lot of silly moments in the game and aspects of these characters that make them well rounded and realistically flawed at times#and i fear that would get lost in the chaos if the floodgates opened after a remake#maybe im just jaded lmao#im jaded and i have anxiety so im always thinking about The Worst Case Scenario#the collective positive spirit of the dwellers in this fandom might actually foster a positive space if more people were to come in#ff6#my post#i was gonna say maybe this is bc we're mostly adults#but that falls flat when i remember how some of the most toxic and immature people in some fandoms are grown ass adults#who bully each other and younger fans#and some of the most mature and cool people were actually younger#maybe ff6 fans are just built different lmao#also idk how old anyone else actually is there might be teenagers here i just don't think about it a lot
27 notes
·
View notes
Text
i love being autistic cause sometimes i get a glimpse into how regular people perceive things and its like. what the fuck. what the fuck is that? you live like this? and its normal?? i think YOURE the weird one actually. im fine. thanks though.
#THERES SO MANY WEIRD RULES#LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO HOW SOMEONE WALKS LIKE HUH????? WHY????????????#can someone fucking explain the dude head nod thing to me why do we do that. whats that about. ive never seen anyone do that irl before#is that an american thing or do i just hang around too many afab people#i am learning the intricacies of cis people gender rules and i am. what fucking planet have i been on the last 17 years like what is this#was there some like. rulebook they handed out at somepoint they forgot to give to me or something#“best way to learn is to observe the men around you” OBSERVE WHAT. YOU PEOPLE PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO EVERY LITTLE MOVEMENT????#bruh i can barely make eye contact w people...#my ass has never intentionally copied someones mannerisms ever.#i do it subconsciously. but doing it actively feels weird and wrong and like im breaking someones boundaries#“men dont smile at people.” well they should.#ive decided cishet men are the most boring people on the planet#“dont move with your hands” YOURE BREAKING MY POOR THEATER KID HEART#i need to meet more gay men irl to absorb the vibe of cause i only know like two. not counting myself#i want people to look at me and go. ah yes. fruit.#at this point im just going to accept being misgendered for the rest of eternity. id rather die than be boring in the way cishet men are#my flavor of being trans is so influenced by my autism cause my perception of genders is completely off from what everyone else is doing#im like. yeah i want to be a man. and then i look at what the majority of men are actually like and its like. wait no. not like that#shoutout to flamboyant gay men where would i be without them#i think the thing that bothers me the most is that like#in my mind peoples genders are just. the way they express themselves.#its not like. this super big complex deal like how everyone else treats it. if that makes sense? like.#regular people have so many rules for what counts as a man or what counts as a woman or what counts as neither and its like???#you can do what you want???? why do we care????#and ive been doing this since i was little. on account of the autism#i just. dont get why its such a big deal to people.#i cant wrap my head around it at all#not nonbinary not a girl not aegender not a man but a secret fourth thing#(man but i do it my way instead of everyone elses way)#unfortunately doing it my way just. leads to the misgendering dimension. for some reason
19 notes
·
View notes
Text
my least favorite phenomenon ever is "you can be disabled (the quirky steroetype that lives in my head) as long as youre not disabled (actually weird and atypical in nonsensical & non-conventionally palettable ways)"
#My number one fear as an autistic man is being 'too autistic' 'the wrong way' infront of friends who i genuinely hope#are adults that would ask me questions/be kind about what they dont understand#instead of the usual 'you were too weird now i wont treat you the same' we often go through#'creepy obsession' its a fucking fixation janet.#'what does that have to do with anything' well you see my brain works in ways different to yours and i can only mask so much.#i hear a specific word and my brain does FunFact Autism because i have an association with that word#i dont want this weeks 'R0T yells at clouds' to be fully negative so im biting Specific Mutuals with love in my heart 4 being insane and#cringe with me unapologetically or yknnow. ask questions to understand better what i meant#i havent done this in ages but i will phrase sentences so atypically they sound like insults#and i dont realize until after theyve left my mouth#If i could delete that specific symptom or whatever you call it. I would.#always choose compassion and attempting to understand or i will fight you in a parking lot and win#delete later#(probably)
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Bleh.
#idk. experiencing that fun dooming feeling of knowing im too weird and sensitive to engage in proper fandom.#so i just watch everyone else have a fucking blast and i sit here in my 'i feel way too much way too hard' corner#i want to be able to engage in stuff more. to talk to people more. to ENJOY things more#instead i live in fear every fucking day of what thing is gonna accidentally upset me#and ill have to deal with the mental torment nexus that follows for the next 8 hours#like this cannot be normal. this has to be a thing that can be treated#but i have no money or resources to look into that#i just wish i was normal.#im so tired of making friends while wearing a mask#and realizing i can never take it off because they'll leave as soon as i do#be nice be agreeable be kind you have to you HAVE to or you'll have no one#idk i wanna give up im so tired all the time.#my ideas all feel like shit. all being creative has done is make people drop me and hate me.#im loved until im not what they want they thought i was.#im always needed never wanted.#i keep! trying to find spaces i feel like me in. that i feel GOOD in#and its the same fucking story no matter what. i never do it *right*.#i don't do ships right i don't do trans right i don't do bi right i don't do aro right.#every community has made it clear that im not what they want.#im tired of floating and being lost. what would it matter if i was lost forever that seems to be what the universe wants for me anyway.#im tired of living based on what everyone else wants#I'd rather die finally doing something just for me.#vent
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i forgot. how much actual pain it instills in me that they rly decided to refer to my boy as 'arisu' instead of alice. 'arisu' is literally just the japanese pronunciation of 'alice'. the series is literally called alice in borderland. WHY are u not referring to him as alice in the subtitles so it's clear that HE is the alice the title is referring to. why would u translate so many things but deliberately choose to use the romaji spelling of alice. it's needlessly confusing & it makes like. looking up content around the show impossible bc everyone also refers to him as arisu instead of alice bc nobody fucking knows his name bc of that shit. i hate u netflix subtitles ur not SHIT
#mine#maybe it's so bothersome specifically bc ph taught me that arisu is just the jp pronunciation of alice when i was v young but like.#it also just pisses me off specifically bc i have watched content around the show.#the deliberate decision to use the romaji spelling instead of the english spelling for the english subtitles has made ppl rly genuinely#not know/understand that ryohei's last name is ALICE.#that HE. is the alice the title refers to.#& by extension the direct reference/allusion to alice from alice in wonderland#if u dont know shit then it's like lmao weird in this show named ALICE in borderland this dude is not named alice huh#HE FUCKING IS HIS NAME IS LITERALLY ALICE I HATE IT HERE WHY ARE NETFLIX SUBTITLES LIKE THIS BRUH#WHYYYYYYYYY#HIS NAME IS EVEN LISTED AS ARISU IN THE CAST LISTING ON GOOGLE LIKE. MOTHER FU C KER#WHY EVEN KEEP THE NAME ALICE IN BORDERLAND IF UR NOT GONNA LET ALICE BE CALLED ALICE IN THE SHOW#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#also yes. im sure. an argument could be made abt well all the names should be translate then#but actually NO. bc their names are actual jp names/words#arisu. is not. it is a jp pronunciation of an english word. & should be treated like that when translating#ESP WHEN THE NAME!!!!!!!! OF THE SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! REFERS TO HIM!!!!!!!! W THE PROPER TRANSLATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAA#it's not that serious ik but i forgot how much pain i have to be in to sit through this. i hate netflix subtitles bro#like even watching shit in english so much shit is left out from the subtitles.#just how much am i missing out watching kdramas from shitty translations/lazy captions ?????#ILL NEVER FUCKING KNOW THATS WHY KNOWING THIS ONE THIS MAKES ME WANNA THROW MY CHAIR
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
my back is curved 35° 💕💕
#post posting#at like 20 degrees they make you wear a brace#so it doesnt get worse#cause at 50° you need surgery#but im done growing so it not gonna get worse#so this whole appointment was literally just to tell me i have scoliosis which i already kne#w#and it was the childrens doctor too so these people dont typically treat anyone over the age of like 10#they did not know how to speak to me#it was awful#my dad insisted on going to the appointment (bad)#and the doctor talked to him instead of me??#and he like called him over to touch my back#with out asking me#weird as hell i dont need my fucking dad touching my bare back#freak#whatever im so excited to never do that again
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I baked a bit tonight for a beach picnic I'm having with my pals tomorrow and I forgot how nice it is to bake!! I haven't in a few years because work makes me think I have no energy when I actually do. could be making treats more often!!
#cat's rambles#it is nicer to bake when you can share the treats with your friends tho#i made some lemon drizzle cake and muffins bc i couldnt fit all the cake into one pan oops#smells p good already#i also cycled to the local park with john at like 9pm to sit and listen to the lumineers concert#theyre ok and ive no great love of their music but the vibes were so good!! we ate ice creams and the heat was lovely#summer literally cures my depression so hard i love life despite my job and the mean girls that inhabit it#but lately ive been shifting my thought processes#instead of thinking 'god im so weird everyone hates me'#im thinking 'how weird do other people have to be to be so rude and awkward to me'#radically changing my life for the better one baby step at a time#this is what it feels like to develop your brain#anyway this has been a really nice post so im actually gonna put it into#cat's positivity
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
🦋
#hmmmm.#so as a rule i say thank you when i go out. a lot. bc i was told once that saying thank you instead of im sorry#would make ppl feel less uncomfortable so i swapped the phrases out.#similarly i was told once that compliments make ppl happy&also if im specifically looking for Good Things#i will find them-- as opposed to letting my head do whatever it wants bc given the extremely violent intrusive+obsessive thoughts#directing it towards Good Things works out for everyone if ppl enjoy compliments.#im also like. extremely aware that these facts-- along w my fervent occasionally manic insistence on being Nice when interacting w ppl#(bc i thought we all were told as kids to treat others the way we wanted to be treated??? lmao.)#-- all add up to make me seem insincere at times or to some ppl. i. dont care. LMAO.#its too exhausting to care. like ppl find whatever they want to find&if ppl are so set on my being a certain way#so much so that my being a nice person can only be explained by nefarious intent (to acheive. what. kindness from others? lmao.)#how in the fuck can any of that be my fault or-- MUCH more importantly-- my problem???#however lately its like ppl have been getting like. Offended. by the impulses. which is becoming... boring. for me. lmao.#bc it isnt like i dont mean it when im extensively polite&complimentary-- i mean everything i say bc even when anxiously filling silence#i dont like wasting my time on like. lying for no reason lmao.#its more so that if it becomes a hinderance to be myself ill go the route that benefits me which is the one of least resistance#&i will ALSO mean it when i make someone cry w exactly the same amount of effort lmao#bc proving a point-- even if its proving someone elses point-- correct is extremely easy either way lmao.#its weird to me that ppl would think seeing good in something means that seeing bad in it isnt possible lmao#the same way its extremely confusing to me that ppl would think kindness&abject cruelty cant like. coexist lmao.#i feel accepting that on a micro level would help ppl accept it on a macro level.#either way i know it would save me some time in having to deal w ppl biting off more than they can chew#before realizing that i will rip chunks out of them&lick the tears up like a dog if they insist on tempting me like one LMAO.#at the very least it might help more ppl appreciate the fact that regardless of how vivid the fantasies#i have yet to hit anyone repeatedly w a baseball bat to relieve some stress.#... lmao.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
something i find really interesting about the tma fandom (genuinely) in terms of like fanon attitudes and character portrayals is how much you can tell most people binged it and at exactly what point they did
#babbles#i feel the fandom would look really different if it didnt get a big boom after s4 and grew in realtime instead#see the approach often taken with john of like. meowmeowification and treating his behavior in s1/2 as more#character setup or a weird phase rather than arcs and character traits in their own rite#biased as fuck s2 enjoyer i am but i always view john more as#a shitty guy with control issues and a disconnect mentally from other people who has compassion slowly forced on him#or pulled up from its place in his gross guarded heart#as opposed to like. usual fanon john who i see more painted as 'nice guy who used to be mean and unstable but is Doing His Best Now'#which isnt... wroooong i guess but understates the parts of him and arcs of his i find most interesting#like theyr the things that happen in the story at a point where most people dont sit and process them. because its episode 50 out of 200#poor little meow meow who did a bad but is nice now. Can we talk about the stalking im late to the party its on me but i wanna talk about#the stalking
0 notes
Text
chat some of the popular kids from my class are trying to call me on whatsapp☠️ i am NOT picking up the fucking phone theres no way im talking to them
#for context they make fun of me but in like a really weird way?#instead of either just treating me like shit or being a fake friend they try to do both?????#what#i genuinely cant understand their thought process#or why theyre even interested in me that much#probably the dyed hair or the autism#but still i do barely anything in class#im pretty sure theyre aware that im an mcr fan#maybe they found out about the prorev shenanigans?#idc i am NOT ruining my day because of some shitty ass teenagers#yaps & bats
0 notes
Text
the american(tm) consumerist mind cannot comprehend me because i wear the same like. ten outfits repeatedly and half my pajamas ive owned since i was 6 and still wear and also I would eat a plain steamed rice bun every morning if i could.
#i wear my pe shirts from middle school almost a decade later. like just out on the twon#town*#part of it might be because ive also not grown at all since i was 12 but yeah#my moms gotta beg me to go buy clothes#ive only ever bought more like. undergarments and socks. maybe jackets#seriously i only half the space in my dresser for the whole extent of my closet#i saved one (1) cookies and creme tiny pebble sized easter egg over like multiple weeks#eating bits off it like scraping it off as small treats instead of just. asking for more#that might just have been me being 10 and weird though#i am so close to just becoming a monk#if i had the willpower to be rid of my phone and comfy bed...id be unstoppable#all this is to say that im really fucking cheap and dont give a shit how i look#ive worn the same hairstyle for years. every day
0 notes
Text
I HATE DOCTORS WHYYYYY NO NO NO GUYS WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS YOU’RE QUITE LITERALLY PAID TO MAKE SURE IM OKAY WHYYY
#I MIGHT HAVE HIP DYSPLASIA#MY MOM WAS WORRIED I HAD IT BECAUSE I HAVE REALLY BAD AND CHRONIC HIP PAIN#HAVE SINCE I WAS LITTLE#AND SHE HAD IT AND I HAVE THE SAME BODY TYPE SO YEAH#AND WE TOOK ME TO GET TESTED WITH X-RAYS AND SHIT#JUST FOR LIKE A YEAR LATER FOR HER TO FIND OUT THEY DID THEM WRONG#SO I MIGHT HAVE HIP DYSPLASIA#FUCK DOCTORS#FUCK HOSPITALS#FUCKING HELPPPP#AND WHEN I GO BECUASE I HAVE THE WORST PAIN KNOWN TO MAN IN MY STOMACH#OR IM VERY SICK#THEY JUST BRUSH IT OFF AND TELL ME TO GO HOME????#eat a dick shitty doctors#I FOUND A DECENT ONE AND HE WANTED TO GET ME ULTRASOUNDS BECAUSE HE WAS AFRIAD I HAD WEIRD ORGANS#LIKE DUDE YOU CANT BRUSH THAT OFF????#IT OBVIOUSLY IS SERIOUS IF A DOCTOR WANTS ME TO GET CHECKED FOR WEIRD ORGANS???#props to the doctor who 1. actually helped treat me and made sure it wasn’t an emergency situation 2. was comedic so when I was stressing-#-to make me feel better 3. when he offered alternative medicine instead of pumping me full of meds and 4. on the topic of meds is trying to-#-help me get antidepressants#ALL MY OTHER DOCTORS HAVE BEEN SHIT#I HAD THE MEDICAL WORLD#btw I only hate shitty doctors as long as your a good doctor it’s alright!#keep working good
0 notes