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akumageist · 4 years ago

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I would die for Hitori Uzune. RIP to Kazuaki, but I’m different.

The Hatoful fandom consists of 13 people and a paperclip. It always has. Unfortunately, it probably always will. Where this is cause for some perks, it’s also some of its faults. In example, it’s still an anime game, made by a Japanese woman, and attracts weebs. Weebs tend to like to think of characters 2-Dimensionally, breaking the character down to what they think is their core personality traits. Hitori is no stranger to this, and is beaten down into this heartless, manipulative, selfish bastard. But I believe Moa is saying “anyone, even the best of us, is capable of becoming a monster if driven to it.” Let’s roll.

2162. Hitori was born into a world of war and hate, plopped into an orphanage at just 2 years old. This can be found in Moa’s canon spin-off manga, where Hitori at about ten years old is caring for the other war orphans along with the other older birds. Luckily for him, he was a genius. He was able to go out and get jobs tutoring birds and support his rag-tag family at his young age.

With that, we know Hitori was not originally cold and heartless, despite how the world may have birthed him. Especially when Nageki arrived frail and sickly. Hitori and the other birds were happy to put in overtime in an attempt to pay for the poor dove’s medications, even in his protest.

Then, 2180 happened. Imagine what sort of toll that would take on Hitori. he was absent. He was at work, unaware of the jeopardy that befell his family. What kind of horrible, mind-rattling survivors guilt must rack this bird’s brain, knowing he wasn’t there as his family was massacred one by one?

“What did we do? We had nothing. Our parents and homes had already been stolen by the humans. All we had left were each other.”

We can gather from this same scene Hitori blames himself for not being there. For not being able to protect his family, or even Nageki. Even though had he been there, he would have died alongside everybirdie else, and left Nageki to succumb to his illness alone. Something of this magnitude would create anxieties and trauma unfathomable to those who did not deal with it.

In Hitori, this manifested as full-blown helicopter mom. He can’t help but think of every little nit-pick detail over Nageki, terrified one feather out of place will kill him. The fandom is good about this side of his character! And of course, so is Moa. This may be the Summer Vacation Drama CD: Hitori The Worrywart (which takes place in MIRROR AU), but I love it’s portrayal of the anxious quail.

Hitori continued to care and ache over Nageki’s declining health. He was desperate. Begging doctors, even though deep in his little quail brain he knew Nageki was a lost cause, and that he was dying. But he couldn’t think of a life without Nageki, and did all in his power to try and keep the bird as well as he could. We can see a great example of this love in words you might not think of.

“How about this? From now on, ‘I’m fine’ is not allowed.”

I’ve always imagined Hitori getting mildly heated at Nageki in this conversation.The quail is on his last strands of stability, and the dove he cares endlessly for is trying to hide the very thing he ails himself over. The genuinity in his words shines through- telling Nageki he’d rather hear he’s bad and hurting.

So, in this desperation, Hitori carted Nageki off to some strange doctor in some strange prestigious school. And how couldn’t he? A doctor who claimed to know of the virus eating away at Nageki’s life, and how to cure it. Hitori’s beacon of hope in a sea of darkness. The only bird in the entire universe he had left to love, the one he had arguably always favored and adored, was dying. He would do anything in his power to keep the one thing he loved alive, no matter the irrationality or cost. No matter the very dying bird’s own lips saying “I… don’t want to go.”

Whether or not you ship these birds, I firmly believe Hitori is in love with Nageki in a romantic sense.

“I can no longer love another creature // I think we meant more to each other than anybirdie else in the world... // The love I felt soured into resentment // I should remember the beautiful face I knew, not… a photo covered in scribbles”

Not to mention admitting he can’t bear to live without the dove in BBL. And, in his route, Hiyoko goes as far as to refer to this bird as a female, which means he’s speaking so fondly she’s assuming it was a lover, and therefore a woman. Hitori’s stopped any sort of love at the idea he can only love Nageki post-mortem. That is canon. And well… that’s not very brotherly, no matter how good of a relationship you may have with your sibling (I speak from experience).

Okay, okay, this persuasive essay is NOT for convincing you of this ship, that is another essay for another time. I’ve only mentioned this opinion because I need you to understand his irrationality for the one thing he has left, and the fragility of it. And why it might drive anybirdie to… Hitori-level madness. Moving on.

2183. A mere 3 years after Hitori had lost the majority of his family to human terrorists. Nageki sends a coded letter, and… we can see Hitori’s anxieties outright.

“It’s happening again. Nageki needs me, and I’m not there.”

This is… a very powerful line in the game. We’re seeing just how vulnerable Hitori truly is. This is a traumatized individual in a panic attack- realizing the love of his goddamn life is once again faced with something horrible, and Hitori is once again absent from the scene.

And just like that, he’s gone.

The only thing. The only one Hitori had left in life to love. To live for. Taken from him without so much as a second chance. This is painful to write. This part of Hatoful is, without a doubt, the most agonizing. I know how it is to lose something so dear and feel as though maybe it’s not worth going on without them.

This is the peak of Moa’s tragedy writing ability (and yes, I’m including Holiday Star). But this is my point, is it not? Though his kanji may be “sun bird”, the actual word for his name “Hitori” quite literally means one, alone, solitary. He is now all alone in the universe, no family left. How can anybirdie even remotely remain in charge of their faculties (as Sakuya would put it) by now? You wouldn’t.

Hitori is now a husk of his former self. Anything he’s ever cared for is gone, he has nothing left to live for. He goes- my favorite coined term for him- absolutely batshit. He gets what we call “trauma-induced psychosis”, and begins to hallucinate very vividly, a form that he refers to as “Nageki”. We all know him of course, as Shadow. Shadow, from the little information we’re able to gather from BBL, is tormenting Hitori ruthlessly.

Shadow is easily misunderstood, because Moa made him fathomable, so the reader was able to understand exactly what was happening. What had become of Hitori Uzune. Shadow in all his simplicity- is Hitori. It is an introjection of Nageki, manifested to validate Hitori in his self-hatred. Don’t you get it? He hates himself just as much as you hate him!

Anything Hitori thinks of himself, Shadow is there to back up. He’s taunting him day in and day out, reminding him that he killed Nageki, and every ounce of Nageki’s suffering life was the fruit of Hitori’s inability to protect him. But again, it’s his own brain, telling him exactly what he wants to hear. What he truly believes. Telling himself what he’s done, and how he deserves this. ...And to seek revenge.

Hitori lost his mind. He had nothing else to lose, after all. He became obsessed with Nageki even moreso than he was in life, because there was no level-headed dove to calm him and tell him to stop worrying so much, or keep him at least reasonably held together by simply being there.

He listened to his psychosis, and when he made a friend (Moa gives evidence Hitori and Kazuaki were friends prior to Hitori’s ill-intentions), his psychosis got in the way of that, too. As he travelled down this relationship (which Moa herself says is pretty much romantic), we can assume he realized just how unable to love he was. He had Kazuaki around because, let’s face it. He wanted someone like Nageki who was incompetent so he could nurture and care for them. And for a while, it worked. But it didn’t. Hitori didn’t love Kazuaki. He couldn’t. He was too busy looking for Nageki.

So, you’re reading this in english. You speak english. At least a little, right? So maybe you played the english (and localized) version of the game. Well then you may not know the following. Please pay attention! This gets a bit rocky, and a bit more “Hitori...!”.

In the English version, Hitori disguised as Kazuaki is “tired”. In the Japanese version, he’s “sleepy” or “dreamy”. I’d describe him as ditsy, for sure. He kind of acts like an airhead who knows absolutely nothing, and his students don’t take him seriously. In the Hatomame Sweet Blend Drama CD, there is a track that follows Kazuaki on a little adventure of his narcolepsy, and going to Shuu for help.

In and out of comatose, Hitori, as himself, is there in his dreams as a separate bird.

“This bird with a face I had never seen spoke to me in a voice I had never heard, and this is what he said.”

“Nanaki-sensei” is clearly denying his own identity.

“I’ll sleep, just a little, and then leave… good… night…”

“But sleeping is my job… You still have a little longer. Tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that…”

This is dream Hitori telling himself that he has to continue his alias until his revenge is fulfilled. The quail that was once Hitori must remain dormant until he is reunited with Nageki again, and can be happy again. As a metaphor for depression… don’t you feel like you’re a shell of your former self?

So, going off this information… I believe Hitori has repressed himself. This is due to my own knowledge on psychology but-- Hitori doesn’t want to be Hitori anymore. It’s too hard. Hitori the war orphan. Hitori the lone survivor. Hitori the murderer and identity thief. It’s him not wanting to deal with his trauma in a healthy way, and instead locking it up and becoming somebirdie new and undamaged.

He killed Hitori.

This falls into the other delusion- that Nageki is somehow not completely dead and gone and ash- but still trapped, somehow, somewhere, and Hitori needs to find and get him. To kill Isa and the researchers who “killed” Nageki, and bring “Nageki” home. Whatever he believes Nageki is. In BBL, we see this quite literally varies! He tried to cut Ryouta open and steal his liver!

“Sir, Nageki would have never wanted this…!”

There is no difference between a serial killer and someone in a court room screaming for the serial killer to be murdered in turn. That mourning mother is then one in the same with that killer, is she not? She sees him, and wants him to die. She wants him to die and suffer. She believes that will bring her a sense of justice. Even though she knows it will not return her son to her. Hitori, is that mourning mother. He sees Isa, and all he can see is the man who murdered his dove.

I know the biggest aspect as to why the fandom hates Hitori is the sole factor that Kazuaki is #relatable. He’s a depressed college student who thinks he’s better off dead. Then, Hitori tricks him. But you’re not reading Kazuaki right. It’s okay, he’s easy to misread from Holiday Star’s plotline.

Holiday Star was written with Kazuaki as the villain, do you forget? A grey villain as well, but a villain nonetheless. He told his tragic sob story death in such a way, you can’t help but to cry. He’s the victim! I’m not saying he’s not. But he was written specifically to be pitied in Holiday Star, and as you continue on, you begin to see he’s actually just anti-self help. He doesn’t want to face his fears. He doesn’t want to leave his safe egg and take the risk he should have.

Kazuaki is meant to be pitied, yes, but just on the brink of annoying with his helplessness and self-deprecation. He’s, forgive me, a “sad sack of shit” who does nothing to help himself. Don’t come after me for being “ableist” or whatever- Moa literally wrote him this way.

This is also depicted in “Kazuaki-kun’s Book”. Now, this book takes place in the MIRROR AU, but it tells of how Kazuaki met Hitori. Moa starts the manga off by explaining Kazuaki had a great chickhood, a healthy life, and an easy, happy time. But then, he flunked his college exams and didn’t even get into his safety school. He lazed around, grew depressed, and let his apartment rot. He played video games until his online friends got jobs, and wasted any money he had on them as well. The only thing that scared him out of it is when his next door neighbor was found dead, having rotted into his own futon.

So imagine Hitori, who has worked so hard and lost everything he had done so for. Tirelessly, through his horrible, fucked up existence. Nageki, who had his short and miserable life robbed from him, had to die. Had to kill himself. And this random quail has the audacity to bitch and moan, thinking he’s got it bad? He’s a waste of space that could have been filled with Nageki. This is what Hitori’s brain is thinking. Hitori’s only ~20 years old when Nageki dies, after all.

I’m not saying this is cause for murder and identity theft. Don’t you dare misread me on this. But as I’ve stated prior- Hitori’s completely lost it. But you ship him with the chukar that literally ruined his life. Hitori’s a grey villain but holy fuck why would you want him to fuck the partridge that tortured and drove his only loved one to suicide?

It was wrong to trick Kazuaki. It was wrong to insult him as he died. It was wrong to steal his identity. That’s obvious and a given. But you all seem to look at that factoid alone, chalking it up to ‘preying on a poor mentally ill man” but not taking into consideration Hitori is mentally ill himself. ...Just not #relatable enough for you.

Hitori is suicidal as well. He’s been suicidal presumably since Nageki died. Don’t you dare say Hitori isn’t at least a little in the same boat. I don’t care if he’s not as soft and uwu and cuddly as Kazuaki. Mental illness is not rainbows and butterflies and emo hair (though Kazuaki is not portrayed this way).

Holiday star bears all the answers. I raise you important points, so pay close attention. The first key component is Hitori, found upside down in the pudding. He’s crying. Why is he crying? Because he’s lost his name? Oh, but think deeper.

“I’m Nemo”.

“Nemo” is latin for nothing, and his name translates to “nothing” in every language of HoliStar. The King has vomited him up in his kingdom, and robbed him back of what he stole from him. His identity.

But it goes even deeper than that.

“I’ve lost something, and so, I think I might cry.”

From this phrase alone, it’s painful to play this game. Nageki is right in front of his beak. But what did he do? He ate his own eyes. Hitori, in his refusal to identify with himself, has robbed himself of quite literally seeing the very bird he adores and sought after. Then, he is renamed his own identity by that bird (the only identity he accepts). How surreally real.

The second key component is when everybirdie is being rescued, but Leone warns Yuuya the quail is clearly falling more rapidly into a coma, and may not be able to awake. Why is this? Because Hitori wants to die. He’s fine with it, and Kazuaki is more than happy to keep him. When Yuuya finds him, Hitori is not at all alarmed as he should be. He seems passive, and simply wants to fall back to sleep. He’s to the point of trying to strangle Yuuya in attempt to let himself fall into eternal slumber (even if he thinks Yuuya is… Kazuaki..?).

Heed these next words carefully. When Yuuya asks if The King did something to him, Hitori replies-

“...No, all The King did was close the door.”

I am a firm believer this is Hitori indirectly saying “Kazuaki did nothing wrong, and I do not resent him for hating me.” Especially since Hitori shows signs of knowing it’s Kazuaki, and repenting.

“He said I need to be punished. Apparently I did something bad… and I think I know what it was.”

This is confirmed in my next point, so bear with me.

Hitori, in this same conversation, is admitting he wants to die. The only thing that stops him- as morbid as it may be, is remembering this takes place before the events of BBL. He hasn’t fulfilled what he believes is his “something I need to do”. Which is seek revenge, and bring Nageki home, as per Shadow’s orders.

Lastly, at the bitter end of Holiday Star when everybirdie is plummeting through the air from the false star, Hitori is still blind and confused. Suddenly, The King erupts from behind Hitori, and appears to be talking to him.

“Oh, is that right?”

“...I know, I know. ...but it’s still too soon. That’s right, I’ll be along soon. I’ll catch up with you. Someday…”

This is arguably my most prominent point in the entire essay. This is Hitori, admitting not only does he still plan to kill himself, but that he intends to keep his promise and reunite with Kazuaki in the afterlife. These are not the words of a heartless quail. These are the words of somebirdie who knows they’ve taken advantage of a friend, but is continuing to do their best to keep their promises and make amends. This is Hitori telling Kazuaki he still cares for him.

Hitori is the result of trauma and hardship beyond compare, and his inability to cope. He is not meant to be hated. He is meant to have shock value, yes. What he has done his disgusting, but you want to love him. Because he raised the sweetest bird in the entire game who would rather kill himself than hurt others.

Grey-villains are difficult, and because you can’t love them for being purely evil, you end up hating them for being a good person who’s done bad things. Hitori is a cracked window. Not quite shattered, but no longer whole, with a faulty image. Hitori is not just some heartless, manipulative, selfish bastard. He’s quite literally a bird with a broken wing (or entire ribcage more like), trying to… well, Live, and be happy.

#hitori uzune #uzune hitori #hatoful boyfriend #hatoful kareshi #hatoful #hatoful boyfriend bbl #kazuaki nanaki #nageki fujishiro #hatoful boyfriend holiday star

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goodlesson · 5 years ago

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got tagged by the ever wonderful @fortiesbucky to answer 73 (!!!!) questions. since i’m a lil wine drunk and waiting for my pokemon game to download i figured why not, let’s do it!!! here goes nothing. my answers are under the cut!

this is a ridiculous undertaking but i’ll tag some ppl i guess. if you have some time to kill....go for it! @dansmlth @mabelmcbae @mirandabeach @the-best-of-what-we-had-youknow @stormerforweekes @unseenpolarstars

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? like a 4?? we’re in the middle of a global pandemic (Yikes) but my big job interview is finally over with and it went really well so i guess that’s kind of exciting!

describe yourself in a hashtag? #DoItForDua

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? i’m ace let’s bake a cake together instead (looking @ u dan bastille)

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? this is not a musical despite the copious amounts of terrible singing

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? i WILL cry when ur least expecting it

what’s your wake up ritual? make coffee/breakfast, mess around on tumblr for a bit and catch up on messages from friends, then log on to start work at nine

what’s your go to bed ritual? i’ve been playing animal crossing for like an hour before bed every night. that’s about it

what’s your favorite time of day? morning after i’ve had my coffee and i have my one hour of motivation to do things sxkljsdf

your go to for having a good laugh? vines that cured my depression compilations on youtube

dream country to visit? oh this is a hard one!! would love to go to the UK someday

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? my 13th bday party when my mom got all of my friends together to surprise me 🥺

heels or flats/sneakers? converse baby

vintage or new? new. i’m not trendy or skinny enough to pull off vintage anything

who do you want to write your obituary? anyone except my mother

style icon? when dua lipa went through that phase of wearing sweatpants and bras onstage....yeah i vibe w/ that

what are three things you cannot live without? music, my hydroflask, and my electric blanket

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? GARLIC

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? listen...i really just wanna hang out with dan smith. also niall from 1d. and hm....maybe....ok this is a weird answer but marina keegan. she died at 22 after graduating from yale and her book literally changed my life

what’s your biggest fear in life? love & intimacy oop

window or aisle seat? window

what’s your current tv obsession? too hot to handle is the funniest thing i’ve ever seen

favorite app? rn i’m using discord a lot. also instagram

secret talent? i know every word to every cover the glee cast ever did

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? studying abroad in ecuador!

how would you define yourself in three words? positive, introverted, and....and.....maybe simple? (in the sense that i’m ok with just living a life without fancy things or huge ambitions)

favorite piece of clothing you own? my fuzzy north face fleece jacket!

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? buy yourself a good rain jacket pls just do it

a superpower you would want? being an empath would be cool

what’s inspiring you in life right now? my friends!!! i have so many ppl to talk to rn and staying connected with them is really keeping me going

best piece of advice you’ve received? everything works out in the end, don’t stress about what you can’t control

best advice you’d give your teenage self? just tell ppl you aren’t straight it really isn’t a big deal

a book everyone should read? out east by john glynn

what would you like to be remembered for? loving my friends and writing some stuff that maybe impacted a few ppl

how do you define beauty? kindness! openness!

what do you love most about your body? my smile i guess?

best way to take a rest/decompress? listening to music, wasting time on the internet

favorite place to view art? ....online?

if your life was a song, what would the title be? Avoiding Intimacy

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? guitar

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? i’ve been thinking about this lately. probably on the inside of my arm somewhere?

dolphins or koalas? DOLPHINS (are fish! no they aren’t. yeah they are. just cuz they live in water doesn’t mean they’re fish!)

what’s your spirit animal? penguin

best gift you’ve ever received? my boss surprising me with those brownies yesterday was pretty cool

best gift you’ve given? i made my best friend in college this little jar full of our inside jokes written on little slips of paper. i thought it was pretty cute

what’s your favorite board game? rummikub, life, cards against humanity

what’s your favorite color? yellow

least favorite color? brown

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore

blow-dry or air-dry? blowdry (with a diffuser of course)

pilates or yoga? neither wtf do i look like a flexible person to u

coffee or tea? coffee

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? my roommates and i were playing that avocado smash game a few nights ago and now the word ‘avocado’ will never sound correct ever again

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? dark chocolate

stairs or elevators? elevators (i’m lazy)

summer or winter? summer!

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? BAGELS

a dessert you don’t like? anything with a jelly or creamy/custardy filling

a skill you’re working on mastering? playing the guitar

best thing to happen to you today? my interview went really well!!!

worst thing to happen to you today? i had like three crazy stress dreams about said interview so i was exhausted all day lol

best compliment you’ve ever received? ‘your smile just lights up a room’ 🤧

favorite smell? vanilla

hugs or kisses? I WUV HUGZ

if you made a documentary, would it be about? how the portrayal of sex in modern pop culture affects our views of love and romance and intimacy in negative and unrealistic ways!!!!

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? bitch every livestream dan bastille does makes me tear up

lipstick or lipgloss? the only correct answer is CHAPSTICK

sweet or savory? sweet

girl crush? dua lipa and it’s not a girl crush i full on fuckin LOVE HER

how do you know you’re in love? don’t ask me this

a song you can listen to on repeat? anything by bastille

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? would love to be a cat just chillin on the ground someday

what are you most excited for about this time in your life? normally i’d say all the concerts i have coming up lmao screw you corona

#peyton speaks #tag memes #WHEW

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tiny-personal-university-thing · 7 years ago

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My {Formerly} Bad Student Story: Physical and Mental Health Almost Destroyed Me - But I’m Back and Better Than Ever

Please read if you have suffered from chronic illness/pain or with your mental health to the detriment of your education!

Where to begin?

To start, a little bit about me. I am 21 years old, and currently a junior in college at Texas Tech University. I was born and raised in Houston, Texas, but I currently go to school in Lubbock, Texas – 532 miles from where I grew up in Houston. I’m what my school calls a “University Studies” major, which means that my degree is comprised of three “disciplines.” Those include Women’s Studies, Legal Studies and Environmental Science. This is all in the hopes that I will make a well-rounded candidate for law school.

So this is where it gets interesting; this is the “{formerly}” bad student part. Basically, I didn’t do so hot my first two years at college. I suffer from chronic nerve pain due to 6 bulged discs because of a really bad car accident I had my senior year of high school - my truck was actually totaled. Additionally, I have this autoimmune disease called Hashimoto’s. It’s also called Chronic Lymphocytic Thyroiditis. It’s not fatal - it just sucks. In fact, it’s fairly common. My mom also has it. It’s just a major lifestyle change because my thyroid is either under-functioning or over-functioning. One of the most common symptoms across the board is debilitating fatigue. One may also experience copious hair loss (from it literally breaking off), hyperthyroidism/hypothyroidism, unexplained weight gain, depression/anxiety, joint stiffness, memory lapses, or complications such as heart disease. You can’t really be cured of Hashimoto’s, you just have to do your best to keep your life in a state of equilibrium. On top of all that, I was also officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (GAD), my freshman year of college; however, I have suffered from high-functioning anxiety since I was in the 2nd grade. I actually tested in the 98th percentile for anxiety. With my Hashimoto’s and chronic pain severely limiting my ability to even physically get out of bed, my grades really suffered. I was involved in a total of 8 organizations my first year of college, co-founder of two (one that focuses on raising awareness about sex trafficking that I am particularly proud of), and another that raises funds to establish legal aid clinics in less developed nations. I was also an officer in three of the aforementioned organizations, including the president of my dorm. But when I started to really get sick, participating in anything became so hard. I felt my peers judging me. I knew they didn’t believe me. My anxiety, which had been dormant for a couple years, came back with a vengeance. It almost destroyed me. I became isolated. I barely left my dorm - only to feed my horse each night or to buy food on campus. Every Friday, my mother would literally beg me to go out with friends, to reach out to literally anyone. I frequently considered the possibility of taking my own life - although I would describe it more along the lines of a general desire to cease existing, or to have never existed at all. I had never been so low in my entire life. My first semester, I did decently. I managed to go to the majority of my classes, and make decent grades that didn’t raise any red flags with my family or my school. While my social life did pick up my sophomore year and I began to form the close friendships we associate with college; unfortunately, I continued to regress academically in the semesters that followed.

But, enough about that. The fact that I was always in pain/tired to the point of delirium/constantly ill made it really hard for me to focus on school. Often, the pain or fatigue was so bad I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t participate in the organizations I was excited about, ride my horse, play violin, or go to classes despite being eager to learn. When I did feel okay enough to go to class, I was bombarded by pervasive, irrational thoughts like “I’ve missed class for weeks, the professor/students are going to judge me when I show back up again tomorrow.” I just didn’t get it. I didn’t understand how I went from the girl who begged her mother to let her go to school when she was violently ill with the flu in 7th grade because I loved it so much, to the girl who hadn’t gone to class in so many days she lost count. I ended up having to take a semester off from school. I remained in the city where my college is and bided my time by working - serving and eventually bartending full time. While working 40+ hours per week, I also tried to find a good pain management doctor and a decent endocrinologist. By remaining in the city I went to college, I was able to maintain a facade that I was still in school. When anyone asked me about school, I kept my answers terse, and general. School was “good,” I was taking “some classes.”

When my semester off came to an end, I actually elected to take another semester off. I was torn in my decision to do this. I felt like I was letting everyone down a second time, that I would be stigmatized as a “drop out,” and I felt like no one believed me when I said I was going back. However, in my heart I still knew that I wasn’t in that much better of a place than I was when I left school. I am so glad I made that decision.

My second semester off, I found a good pain management doctor not far from where my mom lives. My insurance covered spinal injections frequently used to treat bulged discs, where I underwent general anesthesia and essentially my doctor went into the epidural space in my spine to administer steroids to the bulged discs that he believed to be causing my nerve pain. While these injections are temporary and I’ll have to go back and get more injections whenever the pain returns - they have brought me great relief. I continued working my job at the restaurant and became much more financially independent. This helped me to feel like less of a burden, and much more productive, in turn helping me with my anxiety. It also felt good having money. I was able to take over paying my rent, utilities, groceries, and costs associated with my horse. I also learned about Hashimoto’s, the symptoms (intolerable fatigue, insomnia despite said fatigue, gluten intolerance, inability to lose weight, my hair literally breaking off at alarming quantities, unbearable intolerance to the cold, inflamed joints, etc.) and how to live with it.

After that semester, I was ready and determined not to fail. As the Spring 2018 semester neared, I made an appointment to see an advisor at my university, who became one of the two advisors I saw about every 3 weeks. They knew all aspects of my life; my mental health, my physical health, my struggles with my job, my aspirations, everything. It was in meeting them that I realized my first year at Tech I made a huge mistake by only meeting with the advisor assigned to me when I had some sort of hold on my account - which was once a semester at best. My advisors have fervently supported me. I am so grateful to them for the resources and affirmation they have provided me with this semester. Additionally, I learned to be more honest about my struggles with the rest of my support system, including my family and friends. I kept the secret of my two semesters off from everyone I was related to except for my mom. Even my dad was unaware until my second semester off. I did this mostly out of shame, but now that I’m back on track I actually want to tell everyone my story. I also learned to be honest with myself about my genuine short comings that are unrelated to my health - including my organizational skills and time management skills. Lastly, I learned to be proud of myself, even for little victories.

This is now (as I am writing this) my first semester back at school in two semesters (not including the summer sessions). Again, I am actually genuinely proud of the work that I have put forward. I’m aspiring to make my school’s Dean’s List or President’s List every semester from now until I graduate (which, by the way, is still in 2019 - the same as it was when I first came to college, which just goes to show you that it’s okay to take time off from school if that’s what you need). I’m aspiring to graduate at least cum laude. I’m aspiring to receive at least a 172/180 on the Law School Admission Test, and I will get into law school. I know that I am capable of these things because of the time I took away from school to better myself. Finally, my hope is that other college students facing similar adversities will be able to resonate with me, realize that college is not a race (you are under no obligation to be out in exactly four years or less), and see that they absolutely can overcome their obstacles.

Finally, I am certain that my struggle is not rare. I know that some of you may struggle with anxiety or depression. I know that some of you may suffer from chronic illness or pain that peers your age cannot truly relate to. I know that some of you may fear disappointing your family. I would like to add that I am here for you. I can promise you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If anyone - ANYONE - feels like they need someone to talk to, please feel free to reach out to me. I am up at all hours of the day and night usually. If you need just general advice, I got you. I hope that my story resonates with some of you.

My Story will be permanently linked to my blog via the “My Story” tab. As always, happy studying, fellow realistic students. And thank you again for 100+ followers. I am overwhelmed by your continued support.

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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A Definitive Ranking Of 2000s Rom Coms

Although people who peaked in high school like to act poetic about how great the 2000s were, they werent actually any better than the present day. I mean, it was a time when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake wore matching denim outfits in public and nobody carted them off to an insane asylum.

But Im prepared to make a concession on two points: 1) At least we werent under the administration of a sentient slime mold wearing a bad wig. 2) The 2000s were a golden age for romantic comedies, mostly thanks to Judy Greers tireless efforts to play every heroines best friend. Plus, only like half the jokes were sexist, and there was about an 80% chance pre-pretentious Matthew McConaughey would show up.

Obviously, a betch has to be picky about her rom-comssome are shitty in a good way, but others are best avoided in case someone catches you watching them. To guide your Netflix viewings, here’s a totally objective list of 00s rom coms. If you disagree, which Im sure everyone will, please note that Im not actually forcing you to watch these movies; Im just saying that if you regularly watch any of the bottom five, you have terrible taste.

14.

is considered a modern classic by two groups of people. 1) men in their late 20s with a crush on Natalie Portman and a thriving quarter-life crisis and 2) 8th graders in 2004 under the assumption that any movie that features a Shins track in its soundtrack is automatically deep. To everyone else, its a film about self-absorbed white people whining about their lives until theyre magically fixed by the power of mixtapes. There are approximately a zillion issues with this film, beginning with Zach Braffs complete lack of expression and ending with the fact that you cant cure real depression by listening to The Shins, no matter how clearly superior the soundtrack is to anything else in this film. Worst of all, though, is the fact that Natalie Portman played a manic pixie dream girl so obnoxious I still dream about strangling her character sometimes. Padme deserves so much better.

13.

Im not saying romantic comedies have to make much sense, but s plot is mystifying. Matthew McConaugheys parents are tired of him living at home, so they call in a lady high class escort (Sarah Jessica Parker) whose job is literally seducing men into moving out of their parents basements and unceremoniously dumping them. Because that’s plausible, and not at all fucked up to force your son to fall in love with someone you’re paying. Ridiculous premise aside, you know a movie is terrible when famed nicegirl Zooey Deschanel is the best thing about it.

12. Monster-in-Law

In case you missed this one, and for your sake I hope you did, is about Jane Fonda inexplicably being terrible to Jennifer Lopez, who walks a lot of dogs and is engaged to Fondas son. That right there should tell you all you need to knowI cannot think of one movie that JLo was in that was anything above mild torture, and we’re supposed to root for her character why, exactly? If my son was engaged to a full-time dog walker you can best believe I’d do everything short of actual murder to put a stop to that bullshit.

11.

Im told some people love this movie, but Jesus fucking Christ, is it possible for the two main characters to be any more appalling? Here you have two assholes manipulating the shit out of each other and just generally acting psychotic, all to win a stupid bet with their friends. They really should call it “How To Act Like A Psychopath And Lose Your Dignity.”

10.

Not gonna lie, I fucking adored when I was an impressionable preteen. It had time travel! Mark Ruffalo! A makeover scene! Years later, the movie is still fun to watch, even if it is way too obsessed with the 80s, but the jokes are more cute than funny. Also, why would anyone allow their 13-year-old child to go to a sleepover hosted by a 30-year-old? That is … questionable to say the least. Not to mention Jennifer Garner’s character does a reverse transformation from a betch into a nicegirl and dumps her hot pro bf in favor of her formerly fat friend. Blah blah, true love, I don’t give a fuck. Tenth.

is close to being wrapped in cutesy narration, but it’s far superior. For one thing, it reintroduced the world to Joseph Gordon-Levitts dimples. For another, it manages to be a fairly realistic depiction of a shitty millennial relationship without being super fucking depressing. But thats also kind of the problemrom coms arent supposed to be realistic, theyre supposed to be clich and feel-good, and I don’t care what you say, Summer is a thot. I have literally stayed up at night mapping how she could have possibly met someone worthy of engagement a mere 118 days after she broke up with Tom, and only six days after attending a wedding as his guest (yes I did the mathI told you; this movie keeps me up at night). No matter how you slice it, she had to have cheated on somebody.

Full disclosure: As a Southern betch, Im stoked that takes place right next door. (Dear Hollywood: An entire country exists between New York and LA.) But even though it features Patrick Dempsey as the other man, Josh Lucas with a dreamy Southern accent, and Reese Witherspoon, there are still some issues. Mainly, WTF WERE YOU THINKING, MELANIE? Did you really dump your future president fianc for your secret redneck husband just so “the first boy you kissed could also be your last”? I’ve heard of trying to keep your number down, but damn if this isn’t some delusional shit.

Everyone on planet Earth can relate to having a batshit crazy family, and thats exactly what makes appealing. The two leads are fine, considering they’re not Kate Hudson or Matthew McConaughey, but the extended family is everyones favorite part of the movie. Honestly the most memorable moment to come out of this movie is the “put some Windex on it”pretty good deal for Windex, not so much for the people who actually starred in the movie. However, it does get points for the memorable line: “The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she pleases.”

The plot is pretty flimsy (a Canadian businesswoman has to marry her assistant to avoid deportation) but everyone loves a story where the couple starts out hating each other and eventually falls in love. The cast is what makes this movie pure rom com gold: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, and Betty fucking White, who gifted us with the infamous Native American dance scene. Basically, it’s predictable but ridiculous, making it better than some of the other garbage movies on this list.

Admittedly, is probably to blame for some of the chubby man-child/beautiful, svelte woman couplings we see in the media that give men unrealistic beauty expectations (of the types of women they can expect to date), otherwise known as The Beyonc/Jay Z Phenomenon. But whatevs. Its a good movie. Seth Rogen has that whole dad bod thing going onapparently a thing some people are intoand Katherine Heigl was at the top of her rom com game before she pissed off the entire cast of .is actually hilarious, which is enough to make up for the fact that Katherine Heigl appears in it.

Even aside from my undeniable crush on youthful Sandra Bullock, is a quintessential early-2000s romantic comedy. Allow me to explain. 1) It stars an ambitious career woman who dont need no man. 2) But she kind of wants one anyway, and everyone realizes what a catch she is when she puts on lipstick and a dress. 3) Did I mention its plot is literally an extended makeover scene as Bullock goes from bad ass FBI agent to bad ass beauty pageant contestant? I rest my case. Add in some cute female friendships and a scene in which Bullock teaches us how to fend off an attacker, and its basically required viewing every year.

You had to know was going to make the list despite this amazing take-down article of why it’s actually terrible. With approximately a bajillion storylines going on, its hard not to find one you like and get invested, and it doesnt hurt that the film features every well-known British actor under the sun. Im not sure how the movie manages to juggle all the different plots without being confusing and/or boring, but Im not gonna question it. However, this shit is TOO FUCKING LONG. If I have to pop an Adderall just to make it through a damn movie (which I do), you need to send your editors back to the drawing board.

is the perfect example of a rom com thats super clich in theory, but in practice, its so fucking heartwarming it doesnt even matter (ugh). Katherine Heigl plays ultimate nicegirl Jane (in case the fact that her name is “Jane” wasn’t enough of a clue), whos been part of 27 weddings and miraculously hasnt gone broke from buying all the bridesmaid dresses. The dudes are pretty forgettable, but Janes psychotic sister and slutty best friend totally steal the spotlight, elevating the film to truly betchy heights.

P.S. For once, James Marsden plays the leading man, so his preternaturally perfect face gets more screen time, #bless.

Bridget Joness Diary is the ultimate feel-good movie, as in its literally impossible to watch it without feeling your icy soul thaw ever so slightly at the end. The titular character starts out fat, single, and past the age of 30, so basically our worst nightmare. By the end, though, she manages to bang Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, land a better job, and become a self-described wanton sex goddess. If those arent your life goals, you clearly need to start your own self-help journey.