#instead of the likely scenario of it giving him ptsd

[lonely-ey3s]

With All My Love : Chapter 12 | love letters - part one

Chapter 12 : Love Letters pt. 1

Pairings: joel miller x f!reader (no outbreak)

Word count: 12.6k

Chapter Summary: Joel prepares to ask you a very important question today that he's been preparing to ask you for the last few weeks. Will you pick up on what's going on with the shift of energy and routine or will you be utterly surprised?

Chapter warnings: Chapter warnings: SMUT (18+ MDNI), public-ish sex, unprotected piv, anxiety, flashbacks of traumatic memories (for both reader and joel), mentions of PTSD anxiety, FLUFF, joel being an absolute lover, soft!joel, use of Spanish but with translations, lying to partner (justified), use of y/n, parental abandonment, domestic abuse/assault, some angst?, if i missed any lmk

A/N: enjoy my loves ❣️

Dividers by: @saradika-graphics 

Main Masterlist

Saturday, October 23rd

Joel had tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep due to the amount of nerves and excitement he was feeling. Today was it. 

He had everything planned to the T, this wasn’t going to be some spontaneous “Will You Marry Me?” in the middle of nowhere. No, you deserved more than that. He put so much thought and effort into this that Maria teased him for the absolute attention to detail he had possessed in this process. 

Sarah had been involved with everything behind the scenes, the same with Maria and Tommy. Elena even helped by distracting you and asking if you’d go get your nails done with her and Maria, her treat. You had no idea it was deliberate, you didn’t even think to assume something was up, Joel told you she wanted to get to know you both more and that was her love language. 

You had no idea of the plan; everything had been kept so airtight that when Joel mentioned he had plans this weekend, you just thought after the week you had gone through with Reggie’s passing and your PTSD that Joel was just giving you extra attention. 

Your alarm went off around 6 am to just get up, however, you snoozed it and rolled over, falling back asleep. 

Joel turned on his side and watched you sleep, with eyes full of love and adoration. He watched how your lips would curl involuntarily into a small smile as you slept, how you’d hum when you were dreaming, and Levi was right, you did a cute little leg kick when you were deep in sleep. Joel laid there and thought of every possible scenario he wanted to have with you. 

How it would be to hear a baby cry in the morning to wake up instead of that god-awful alarm tone. 

How beautiful you’d be with his baby in your womb, how you’d glow. He wanted that more than anything, to give you a baby. 

He thought about what your wedding might be. Would you want something big or small and intimate? He couldn’t wait to become your husband and you would be his wife. His wife… that had a ring to it. 

He thought about how he wanted to give you everything you ever needed in this world, he thrived in taking care of you, but there was something about vowing to do it for the rest of his days that put a jolt of joy into him, vowing to you, swearing his life to you. 

Since you had come into his life, he looked at everything from a completely different angle. Things that used to feel like he was suffocating or drowning felt warm and refreshing. He was cold, reserved, and just moving through life before you, trying to get to the next day. He now experiences the day and is always conscious of being in the moment. He wants to remember everything from the way you laughed at something so simple to the smile you gave when you looked at a pretty flower on the sidewalk. 

You stirred in your sleep and crunched your nose sighing deeply as you adjusted to lay closer to Joel.

He smiled and softly traced his fingers up your arm and then back down, feeling your soft skin on his fingertips. 

He whispered as he kissed your temple, “Mi corazón late por ti…” (My heart beats for you…) 

You snuggled closer to him and smiled softly, taking in a deep breath, keeping your eyes closed, voice soft with sleep, “Say more things in Spanish…” you giggled. 

He chuckled, and looked at you, continuing to trace his hands up and down your skin, “Tienes una sonrisa hermosa...” (You have a beautiful smile.)

You blushed and hid your face for a moment in the pillow. 

Joel kissed your cheek, “¿Puedo ver tus ojos?” (May I see your eyes) 

You shyly looked up at him, smiling, “¿Cómo dices? Brown eyes?” 

He laid his head down on his pillow while keeping eyes on you, “Ojos marrones…” he smiled. 

You nodded, “Amo tus grandes ojos marrones…” (I love your big brown eyes)

Joel chuckled softly and blushed, “Gracias, mi vida…”

He moved his hand up to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear, studying the freckles on your cheeks, memorizing the constellations.

You blushed under his gaze. You looked at his features, gently putting your hand on his chest, then looking at his lips before looking up at his eyes, he was doing the same, and you blushed a little more. 

He wasted not a moment, putting your chin in his grasp and pulling you towards his lips, kissing you gently once before pulling back for a moment, “I’m so in love with you…” before crashing his lips onto yours, kissing you more deeply and passionately. 

He pulled you closer by taking you by your waist, pulling you against him. You put your leg over his waist and maneuvered yourself to straddle him, never leaving his lips. 

He sat up with you on his lap and wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you close to him, meeting it with the other hand that was gently kneading your other hip, grinding your hips slowly onto his cock, devouring your lips. 

You comb through his hair gently, pulling him closer gently, breathing heavily and heated as his lips move from your lips to your neck, chest, and shoulder, feverishly littering you with his kisses. 

You giggle when his stubble runs across a part of your neck more sensitive than the rest, making him grin against your skin, “Ticklish there?” 

You nodded, smiling, “Seems so…” you giggled and leaned back a little to look a him, “Don’t get any ideas…” you smiled and put your hand on his chest to hold him back, eyes narrowing. 

He grinned and grabbed the back of your knees and moved so now you were on your back, making you giggle as he went to kiss and tickle that spot, also moving his hands to tickle your sides, making you laugh and squirm as you tried to push him off, “Joel! Stop I’m gonna pee!” you giggled under him. 

He chuckled which turned into a laugh when you said that and he pulled away, smiling as he hovered over you. 

You slowly stopped giggling and looked up at him, smiling lovingly. He moved down to kiss you when Sarah knocked on the door, making him sigh and lean his head against your shoulder, groaning quietly. 

“I’m making breakfast! Wake up!” she shouted then ran downstairs to the kitchen.

You chuckled, “Wonder what the special occasion is…” you smiled and put your hand on his cheek, pulling him to your lips, kissing him gently, whispering against his lips, “Whatever it is, it can wait 5 minutes, yeah?” you gently kissed him again, biting his bottom lip and pulling on it softly. 

He groaned and nodded, settling between your legs, cock rock hard, leaking precum as he quickly pulled his boxers down and moved your panties to the side, “Oh baby 5 minutes is being generous… te he estado deseando toda la mañana…” (I’ve wanted you all morning…) he growled before sinking deep into you, growling as he leaned back in to kiss you deeply as you moaned against his lips. 

—

Ok, it was more like 10 minutes, but he couldn’t get enough of you this morning and you wondered what had gotten into him. 

You came downstairs to Sarah cooking a whole spread of breakfast items. She had pancakes, bacon, toast, and eggs ready to go on plates to serve yourself at the counter. 

You looked around and then came up and kissed her head as she was turning over pancakes, “This all looks amazing, what’s the occasion?” you chuckled. 

She smiled and looked back at you, “Does there need to be an occasion for me to cook you guys breakfast?” 

You held your hands up defensively and shook your head, “No ma’am…” 

Joel came down shortly after dressed in a cream-colored henley that was a quarter button-up, dark wash jeans, and his nice boots. “Smells great baby girl, thank you!” 

He came up and kissed Sarah’s cheek then came up and put his hand on the small of your back, kissing your shoulder softly. 

You blushed and loaded some food onto your plate before going to sit at the table, waiting for the others to join you before eating a bite. 

Joel got a cup of coffee for you and set it by your plate, kissing your head softly before grabbing his plate and cup of coffee and sitting at the table. Sarah came a moment after with her plate and glass of orange juice. 

The three of you ate together for the next hour. It became a routine every Saturday to at least eat one meal together, catch up on the week, and plan for the one following so that you all were on the same page, however, today’s felt different and you couldn’t put your finger on why. You felt like something was going on that you didn’t know about as you kept catching Joel wink at Sarah or Sarah make a statement that might mean one thing to you but to Joel, it meant something entirely different. 

You got up to clean your plate when the garage door opened and in walked Tommy and Maria, “Somethin’ smells good!” Tommy bellowed from the garage before walking up the steps into the kitchen. 

“I cooked breakfast! There’s some leftover on the counter, help yourselves.” Sarah looked back at the two of them smiling. 

It wasn’t unusual for Tommy and Maria to show up out of nowhere, they did surprise visits constantly, but they usually kept to themselves on Saturdays as they knew that was a day for you three to spend together after a crazy week. 

You rinsed off your plate, Maria came by you as she piled some pancakes on her plate, “Hey, you wanna go dress shopping with me for a few hours? I have that job interview on Monday and need something to wear…” she smiled and nudged you gently. 

You looked up at her “Uhm, I think Joel had plans for us today…” you smiled. 

Joel stood up and smiled, “My plans aren’t til later baby, you can go shoppin’ if you want…” he came over and kissed your cheek, putting his plate in the sink to wash it. 

You looked at him and then Maria, “Oh, ok. Yeah, sure, wanna go after this?” you smiled. 

She nodded, “Yeah, what time should I have her back here?” she looked at Joel and took a bite of some bacon. 

“4 pm at the latest?” he smiled and walked away drying his hands on a paper towel and then putting it into the trash. 

You smiled, “Do I need to change for these plans or is this dress ok to wear?” you had on a new floral sun dress you had found while thrifting last week. One that Joel mentioned he wanted to see you in as soon as possible. You thought today would be a good day to wear it considering you guys are going out. 

He smiled brightly, “You look breathtaking in anything, anything will do for where we are going…” he came over and pecked your lips. 

You blushed and nodded then cleared your throat, “I’ll be home by 4 then…” you looked away shyly and filled your mug up with some more coffee. 

Reader’s POV

Maria finished up her breakfast and then you two left.

You went to the mall first and she dragged you to a department store to pick out a few pencil skirts, dress shirts, formal dresses, and other things like cardigans, sweaters, and shoes.

You were sitting in the dressing room in the waiting area when she came out to show you the outfit she had put together. It was some corduroy brown pants with a white button-down and then a sweater over it, very comfy but yet professional in your opinion. She turned to look at herself in the mirror, “Thoughts?” she asked smiling and turning to look at the angles. 

You were lost in thought, messing with a loose thread on the chair you were sitting on. 

“Y/N?” Maria chuckled and turned towards you.  

You snapped out of your thought and looked up at her, “Hmm?” 

She smiled, “Where’s your mind?” 

You bit your lip and looked down at the thread, “Just in my head… don’t mind me.” you sighed softly then looked up and put on a smile, “I like that outfit, maybe you could add a cute belt? Wear those cute flats you got the other week?” you suggested trying to change the subject. 

Maria nodded, agreeing with your suggestions, “I like that idea, I’ll look for a belt.” she  turned back towards the mirror and then bit the inside of her cheek, “What’s goin’ on in that head?” 

You shook your head, “Nothin’ just… somethin’ feels odd about today, but I can’t put my finger on it – like I feel like I’m missin’ something or forgot somethin’...” your foot began to bounce, an anxiety tick you’d developed subconsciously. 

Maria looked back at you, you were starting to pick up on the energy that everyone was most likely exuding today from the excitement of what was going to happen. She shrugged, “Hmm, I’m sure it’s nothing, just an off day?” she smiled at you, trying to keep you at bay. 

You nodded and took a breath, smiling softly, “You’re right, it’s probably nothing.” you cleared your throat and sat up to focus more, “Have we tried on that pencil skirt yet?” 

She shook her head and started heading back to her changing room, “That’s next…” she closed the door. 

You cleared your throat, “How are things going with you and Tommy?” 

“Good! We had a conversation the other day about how we both feel about marriage, which was surprising.” she came out with the pencil skirt on, keeping the top the same. 

You chuckled lightly, “Why’s that surprising? Did you not think he was the marriage type of person?” you looked at her skirt, “I like that with maybe the button down you have on under, but the sweater is too much.” 

She nodded and took the sweater off, leaving the button down on, she began tucking it into the skirt, “I don’t know, he just seems so comfortable where we are, never thought he would talk about that so soon you know?” she looked at herself in the mirror after finishing the tucking, “You’re right, it was too much. Do you think heels would look good or flats?” she arched her foot up to give the illusion of wearing a heel. 

You adjusted in your seat, “I think heels help with the definition of the pencil skirt, flats would make it look too blah…” you smiled, “Wait, what do you mean so soon? You guys have been flirting longer than Joel and I have, hell, you guys are ahead in more ways than I think we are. Doesn’t shock me he’s brought it up.” 

She nodded and turned towards you, popping her hip out, “Yeah, I guess.” you bit her lip and grinned, “Have you and Joel had that talk yet?” 

You let out a small chuckle, “We’ve brushed over it a couple of times but I’ve always known Joel to eventually want to settle down, you know? It’s just something we’ve not needed to ‘talk’ about, you know?” you tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, looking down shyly, “It’s just something that I think he’ll ask one day and I’ll gladly say yes to.” you blushed and smiled down as you messed with the hem of your dress before clearing your throat and looking back at her, “But I don’t think that’s happening any time soon. I think he doesn’t want to ask too soon, he’s always worried about moving too fast, you know?” you softly chuckled, rolling your eyes jokingly.

Maria nodded and returned to the dressing room, smiling a little too widely to be around you, she spoke from behind the curtain, “Yeah. He does seem to worry about that.” she paused “But I think we can both agree, Joel seems a bit more domestic than Tommy.” she said, hearing you hum in agreement. 

She pulled her phone out and texted Joel: 

M: How’s it going so far? Still need her out til just after 4 pm?

J: Yes please, I’ll call when you can head here. 

She changed and came out in another skirt, this one lighter gray, and changed her blouse. 

“This color or the other one I tried?” she came to look in the mirror. 

You looked up from your phone and smiled softly, “I like this one with the other blouse and maybe a jacket?” 

She nodded, “Wanna go find me one while I try a few more things?” 

You stood and nodded, “Sure thing.” then walked to go find some jackets that would match. 

As you were browsing you couldn’t help but overhear a couple in the aisle over arguing, borderline fighting. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. You said that I could pick out an outfit, so I did. I didn’t know that it wasn’t on sale, it was in the sale rack, so I just assumed…” she pleaded. 

You heard a man lower his tone and then a small yelp as he grabbed onto her arm tightly, “Oh you assumed? I don’t fucking care, put it back or I’ll make you and it won’t be very fun...” he threatened through clenched teeth. 

She nodded fearfully and he shoved her towards the rack, making her stumble over her feet. 

He scoffed, “You’re so fucking clumsy.” he mocked her like he hadn’t just shoved her almost into the damn rack.  

You zoned out for a moment, thinking back to about a year ago when a similar scenario happened between you and Charlie. 

2 years ago

The waitress had just left with your orders and you knew the second she left and his fake smile dropped you had done something wrong. 

“Did I say that you could order fries with your burger?” he leaned forward as he growled at you from across a booth. 

You bit the inside of your cheek, thinking then quickly responding, voice meek and quiet, “I’m sorry, she asked and you didn’t say no so I assumed it was ok…” You looked down to avoid eye contact, beginning to pick at your cuticle nervously. 

“You assumed? So I guess you’ll just assume that I’ll be paying extra for the fries? You assumed that too, right?” he bit out through clenched teeth, gripping the edge of the table. 

You felt people’s eyes on the two of you, watching as he dragged you through the mud with his tongue, begging for someone to say something, offer a hand, or help, but no one said a word. 

They left you in that booth to be torn apart by that monster. 

You swallowed, “I… Charlie, I’m sorry. I’ll have her send them back when she gets here.” you didn’t dare look up, too afraid to say or do anything more than keep apologizing. 

“No. It’s fine, you’re fat ass can have the damn fries. Shouldn’t have expected anything less from a pig.” he scoffed and leaned back, tracking a swig of the beer he had. 

You kept your head down, continuing to pick at your cuticle, leg bouncing up and down anxiously, trying to focus on the soft sound of the music playing overhead. 

About 10 minutes went by before she returned with your food, you looked up and put on a fake smile, “Excuse me, I’m so sorry, I misunderstood you when you asked if I wanted fries, could you please remove them from our bill and my order? I’m going to barely be able to finish the burger… let alone fries too.” 

She smiled and nodded, “Of course hun, just give me a sec to fix that for you.” she took your plate and walked away, coming back less than a minute later with just your burger. 

Your stomach growled at the absence of the fries. You would have really loved them in addition, as he had you on a hunger strike for the last 3 days, but you didn’t want Charlie paying for something he didn’t permit you to add onto the bill. You smiled softly and thanked her. 

She walked away and he scoffed looking at you, “You’re pathetic.” 

You kept your head down and ate the burger as quickly as you could, not only due to the hunger you were experiencing but if he had to wait for you so you both could leave, you don’t know what else would happen on top of the punishment you were most likely going to get due to the first incident. 

Before you could make it back out to the car after you both had finished he had smacked you across the face in the parking lot and shoved you up against the door of his truck, grabbing you with his hand by your jaw, “You ever pull that shit again and I’ll fucking kill you, do you understand?” 

You looked at him with eyes filled with nothing but fear, nodding quickly, “Yes… I understand.” tears started to form in your eyes. 

He let you go but didn’t get into the car until he backhanded you across the face again, leaving your cheeks red and stinging. 

You snapped out of it when you heard a small sound of a slap landing on her skin, which could only mean one thing with how he was speaking to her. 

You peeked over and saw her touch her cheek, tears falling as she felt the sting. He crowded her space, his fist balled, muttering “You’re such a fucking bitch…”

You knew if he wasn’t in public this would be a lot worse. 

That was all you needed. 

In times like these, when this had happened to you, you prayed someone would say or do something, offer to help you, stand up to Charlie. It meant more for someone else to say something than the person being abused, bystanders meant something. 

You made your way to the front of the store and cleared your throat for the attendant’s attention at the counter, “Hi, could you please put in a call to the police? I just witnessed a man hitting his girlfriend, threatening her, and she has other indicators of further abuse…” you spoke softly and calmly. 

The attendant nodded and pulled the phone out quickly, calling. You leaned against the counter to face the exit and texted Maria:

Y/N: Something came up, they don’t have any jackets here that’ll match, we can go somewhere else. I’m at the front when you’re ready.”

Maria came out a few minutes later and came up to you, “Hey, what’s going on?” 

You kept your eye on the couple and explained what you witnessed. She nodded and paid for her things before coming to stand by you. 

The cops showed up less than 5 minutes after that and came up to the store attendant, “We got a call about a domestic abuse and assault allegation?” 

You cleared your throat and stuck out your hand for him to shake, “Hi, I had the store call. I witnessed the altercation and would love to give you my statement.” you smiled softly. 

He nodded and shook your hand, then pulled out his notepad to gather information. 

While he gathered your statement the other officer went over to talk to the couple, he pulled the man aside and began questioning him separately. Instantly, the man was on the defense, making stupid excuses and lies.

You explained that you had witnessed him hit her and threaten her. You mentioned you were a domestic abuse survivor yourself and know the signs. You also noted to him that she had bruises on her arm which you knew meant this had been happening for some time, indicating that this is a pattern of behavior. 

The store attendant cleared her throat and noted that they found the altercation on the security cameras, further supporting your statement. 

He nodded and had the attendant send the evidence to his office via email then looked at you, clearing his throat, “Mind if we take down your contact information in case we need you in any court proceedings?” 

You shook your head, “Not at all, I’m happy to help.” you gave him your information then looked at him, confused, “Wait, you’re arresting him, it’s that easy?” 

He looked at you sadly, understanding you hadn’t had the same treatment done for you, “Here in Texas we take any form of abuse seriously, I’m sorry if you didn’t get the same treatment where you were, ma’am.” 

You nodded and chuckled, “That’s refreshing to know.” you teared up and looked down, “You have no idea how much relief that brings me to know this woman has a chance to get out.” 

The cop nodded and held out his hand, “We’ll call you if we need anything else, but you’re free to go. We’ll handle it from here.”

You looked up and shook his hand, thanking him.

He walked away and you let out a shaky breath, watching them cuff the guy and the girl looked relieved as she spoke to the officer that took your statement. 

Maria touched your arm softly, “Hey, you ok?” 

You nodded, “Yeah… I just… I don’t know why but it just hit me, I’ll never deal with that with Joel.” you had a few tears fall, “That part of my life is over… thank god...” you let out a small laugh. 

Maria smiled and squeezed your arm, “He loves you so much and for the time you were with Charlie, I’m sure Joel will make up tenfold.” 

You looked at her and nodded, chuckling as you wiped tears coming down your cheeks. 

You cleared your throat after a few moments of composing yourself, “Let’s go find you a suit jacket, yeah?”

She nodded and took your arm, “How does the thrift store down the street sound?” 

You perked up, “Now you’re speakin’ my language…”

–

She knew that taking you to the thrift store would not only be for her but you’d find things for yourself as well. If you knew any better you’d pick up on how she knew this would keep you busy which was her goal today with you. Keep you out of the house and away from Joel while he puts everything together. You spent more than an hour there, you found some suit jackets for Maria, all looked amazing on her. 

She also found some really cute belts to go with some of the outfits and some really cute bags as well. 

You found yourself a few outfits as well in case you had some interviews coming up, there were some very business options, and some more business causal options, but you found things that brought you such joy. 

You also snuck over and found Joel some nice shirts and even found him some cowboy boots in his size that you couldn’t help but grab. You couldn’t wait to get home and show him. Maybe he could wear them out tonight as they’d go great with the outfit he had on today. 

You left and went to another mall plaza across town as Maria had said she wanted to find some more options plus you both loved shopping, and you had time to do whatever you wanted as you saw it was only 2 pm. 

After a few more stores and hours of shopping, she found a few options for the interview and then some more for if she got the job. You were at the checkout when you saw the time, it was 5 minutes to 4 pm. 

‘Shit, we lost track of time.’

You pulled out your phone and sent a text to Joel:

Y/N: Hey cowboy, I’m going to be a little late getting home, lost track of time. We are just checking out and then should be home within the next 20 minutes. I love you. <3

There were those three dots shortly after as he was typing a response then a message popped up from him: 

J: No worries, sweetheart. Just take your time and get here safely. I love you too. 

You helped her carry all the bags to her car, packing them into the trunk and packing the back seat with the remaining.  

You were driving out of the parking lot when Maria’s phone started to ring from her purse, you pulled it out and saw it was Joel, “Do you want me to answer for you since you’re driving?” you asked looking over at her. 

She nodded, “Yeah, could you?” she looked to the left and then right to pull out of the lot.

You answered the call, putting it on speaker, “Hey sweetheart, we are about 15 minutes away, we just left the mall.” 

Joel smiled at you answering, everything was going to plan, and he chuckled, “Uh, yeah, about that... I went and ran a few errands with Tommy… and the truck broke down, can you and Maria come and grab us? A tow truck is coming to get the truck to take it to the shop. You and I will just grab a ride home from them to our plans?” 

Maria nodded and looked at you, mouthing ‘Where are they?’ 

“Oh shoot, yeah, we can. Where are you guys?” you asked with slight concern in your voice. 

He tsked his tongue, acting confused, “Uhm, stuck somewhere rural, we took a back road trying to avoid traffic. I’ll send Maria a pin of our location so she can put it into her phone, yeah?” 

You nodded and looked at Maria, she nodded. “Yeah, that works. We will just see you soon.” 

He smiled, nodding, “I’ll see you soon, mi vida. Drive safe, take your time, no rush.” 

You smiled and nodded, “We will. I love you.” you said softly. 

He softly answered back, “I love you too.” 

You hung up the phone and then pushed the address he had texted Maria, “Damn, 26 minutes away, what the hell were they doing?” you chuckled and handed the phone to her to help navigate the way. 

She chuckled and bit her cheek to stop herself from grinning, “I have no idea, guess we’ll find out soon enough…” and then turned right at the next light to head that way. 

Joel’s POV 

After you and Maria left, it was like a green light went off. Tommy and Sarah dropped what they were doing and ran into the garage. They got the supplies he had gathered and hid over the last few weeks, pulling them out of hiding.

He had gathered fancy pillows, nicer blankets, and fairy lights, as well as small candles to create an ambiance. 

Sarah ran upstairs and grabbed a box of photos and the other supplies she had hidden in her room that she and Joel made together over the last few days when you weren’t around, these three had a game plan, they were eager to execute. 

There were a few errands they still needed to run and do before they were to set up at the location. Joel had to run to a florist to get some flowers he had ordered and then also needed to run to the local diner you both loved to eat at when you’d go out to run errands or just for some good comfort food as he was also going to set up a picnic. 

Tommy packed everything into the truck and then came in, “We have everything?” he said slightly out of breath. 

Joel pulled out his phone and looked through the list he had made, checking things off as he went down, then nodded his head, “Ring and gift, then that’s it. I’ll meet ya’ll in the truck.” he put his phone in his pocket then ran upstairs while Tommy and Sarah went out to get into the truck. 

He got into the closet and pulled out a big box hiding behind a pile of clothes that he had wrapped in some brown kraft paper that had ‘Mi Amor’ addressed in pen on it, and wrapped with a nice deep green bow that Sarah had helped him tie. 

He then knelt and pulled the lockbox out from under the bed, entering in the combo of 0720, pulling out the ring box, smiling brightly as he opened it up once more to look at it and teared up. For a moment he stopped and was thinking about how you’re going to react to all of this, he couldn’t wait to make you his fiance and then wife. 

He locked the lockbox up and slid it back under the bed, then grabbed the box on the bed, put the ring box in his pocket, and headed down to the truck to join Tommy and Sarah. As he walked down the stairs he thought about how in this house, that bedroom, not too many years ago, he never would have thought a ring would be in his pocket and he would be proposing to the love of his life today. 

—

14 years ago

Sarah was no more than 6 months old, Joel had come back home from work after getting a call from Rachelle that he needed home, and that it was an emergency. 

He rushed through the front door, panicking as he ran upstairs, “Rachelle, what’s wrong? Where’s Sara-” he stopped seeing her packing her bags in the bedroom, moving back and forth from the closet and dresser to the suitcases on the bed. 

“I’m leaving. I can’t do this anymore Joel,” she said as he shoved some clothes into the duffle bag she had opened on the bed. 

Joel came over, “What do you mean? I… I don’t understand.” he started to walk back and forth with her. 

She stayed quiet, continuing to gather her things. 

Joel sighed, frustrated, “Will you stop and talk to me?” he moved in front of her, trying to get her attention. 

She maneuvered her way around him, “There’s nothing to talk about. I just needed you home so Sarah wasn’t alone.” she grabbed a bag from inside the closet that contained her sentimental items. 

“Wait- what do you mean? You… you can’t leave. You can’t leave Sarah… she needs you. I… I need you.” he followed her as she walked back from the closet to the bed. 

She scoffed, “Joel, Sarah will be fine. She takes formula and is at the age where she doesn’t need a mother…” She shook her head as she put the back in the suitcase, “...and I… I never wanted this life Joel… you did.” she rolled her eyes and chuckled coldly, “I didn’t want this but you did and I was convinced that I could make it work, that if I tried, I could do it, but I… I don’t want this. I do not want to be a mother, I had dreams.” she looked at him, eyes numb, “...I’m leaving to pursue them.” 

Joel looked at her and searched her eyes, “Rachelle… Sarah will need you all her life. She… we are a family. I love you, I’m sure what’s going on is somethin’ like postpartum depression, like what the doctor suggested. Please don’t do this…” he tried to take her hand but she pulled away from him and turned to walk down the hall to get some other things. 

Joel stood there for a second, his heart racing, mind feeling like it was moving a million miles a minute, he snapped out of it hearing Sarah cry in her crib. 

Rachelle walked past her nursey and sighed, sounding annoyed by the crying, “I… I can’t. Joel?” 

Joel walked into the nursery and picked up Sarah, cradling her softly, “Shh it’s ok baby girl. Daddy’s got you.” he softly rubbed her back. 

He held her close to him and rocked back and forth, humming softly as he watched Rachelle walk in and out of the bedroom, his heart slowly breaking. 

He knew Rachelle was struggling and that she was having a hard time bonding with Sarah, but he didn’t think this would ever happen. He did everything he could to help her, to support her. He worked extra jobs so that they could afford child care every other day, but working longer hours meant he wasn’t there as much when she did have Sarah by herself. It felt like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

Sarah drifted back to sleep so he gently put her back in the crib and walked out, gently closing the door enough to leave a small crack. 

“What can I do or say to make you stay? I’ll do anything. Tell me, I’ll make it happen.” he said as he came into the bedroom. 

“Joel, you’re not hearing me. I’m not staying.” she closed her suitcase and started to zip it up. 

“Rachelle, you can’t leave…” he spoke softly, trying to stay calm, “Sarah needs a mom. She needs you. I thought we said we would figure this out, we would do this together… we made her that promise in that hospital bed, you remember?” he came up stood behind her, “Please…” he pleaded.

She took a breath and shook her head, tears falling, “Promises can be broken.” she turned around and looked at him, “Especially when it’s what’s best for everyone involved.” 

Joel shook his head and tears started to form, he went past frustrated to disbelief. Something snapped when she said that. 

He scoffed and jutted his jaw, “How is this best for everyone? You’re leavin’ us for your benefit!” he shouted, pointing at her. 

She nodded, “Yes. I am. I’ve made my peace with that.” she said emotionless. 

Joel took a breath and turned around, chuckling in anger, “I… is there someone else?”  

She remained quiet for a moment then sighed, “What if there is? It’s not like we are… married or anything… we are more like co-parents than partners since Sarah was born, Joel.” she said quietly, making any excuse she could come up with. 

Joel turned around and began chuckling coldly, blown away, feeling his anger brewing up, “Are you kidding me? How in your right mind do you figure that Rachelle?” he chuckled, “I… I’m sorry, but me fucking you almost every other night and us talking about potentially getting married the other week doesn’t say ‘co-parents’ to me!?” he began to raise his voice. 

She looked down, avoiding his eyes, “I… I’m sorry if you’re feeling confused.” 

Joel chuckled, “Confused? Confused doesn’t even begin to describe what I’m feelin’ right now!” he slapped his hands against the side of his legs in defeat and shook his head, “I… I don’t even know where all this is comin’ from. You never gave me any indication this wasn’t what you wanted! You said you were scared, but that’s what everyone says when they get pregnant by accident! Other than that, you’d never said anything, at least to me!?” he began processing things, concluding that no matter what he said or did, it was never good enough for her. Tears threatened to escape down his cheeks. 

She stood there, staring at the ground, feeling nothing about what he was saying, she was disconnected long before now. 

“What… what about your parents? Do they want anything to do with her if you leave because if you’re done, that’s it, you’re done, and they are too. I won’t subject Sarah to that life of half her family not loving her fully.” he said bluntly. “…you don’t get to show up one day and be the Disneyland mom that abandoned her kid and then comes to her senses years later and tries to be involved.” he pointed at her, narrowing his eyes, tears falling now, “You don’t get to abandon our daughter and then come back as nothing happened, that’s not fair to her.” he ground his teeth, anger festering.

Rachelle nodded and sighed like she was tired of the conversation, “That’s fair. I won’t come back.” she picked up her suitcase and duffle bag and began to walk out of the bedroom. 

Joel shook his head and began breathing heavily, then followed after her, “What do I tell her huh? One day, she’ll ask where her mom is, what do I tell her? Do I break her heart and tell her that mommy never wanted her? Tell her that mom packed her bags and left us?” he bit at her as she walked down the stairs in front of him. 

“You tell her whatever you think is best Joel, I really don’t care.” she shook her head, determined to get out of the door. 

Joel let out a breath, shocked by her response, and stopped walking, standing at the bottom of the stairs as she touched the front door knob, “So that’s it? Not even going to tell her goodbye?” 

She looked back at him and clenched her jaw, shaking her head, “Goodbyes are for when you’ll see the person again, goodbyes aren’t forever. This is forever. Like you said, if I walk out this door I’m done.” she looked back at the door and opened it, “I wish you nothing but the best Joel. For both you and Sarah.” she softly said before walking out the door and quietly closing it leaving Joel standing there, alone, confused and heartbroken. 

—

The house and his life had a warmth to it now, Rachelle left a coldness to it when she left, sucked all the life and joy out of him for a long time that night when she left. 

He barely recognized the person he was when she left them. Joel wished he could tell that young man at the bottom of the stairs, crying as he held his baby girl in his arms, feeling alone and abandoned, ‘Just wait, someone will come along to make you the happiest man alive.’ 

If there was one thing he would change about the relationship you two had, it would be that, for both of your sakes, you both met sooner. You wouldn’t have been with Charlie and he would have had more time with you. 

Maria had been sending him small updates over the next couple hours, letting him know how you were doing, what they were doing, just keeping him informed of the mood of the day as something everyone was concerned with was your mental health so close after Reggie’s funeral. To everyone’s surprise, you were doing better than expected, which is all they could ask for. 

They had run to the florist and got white roses and baby breath to decorate with and then ran to the diner about an hour before you were due to show up and got your meals from the restaurant, putting them in a cute wicker picnic basket Joel had found at a thrift store he went to with Sarah to gather things to decorate with knowing how much you loved the mall details and also loved little things that had character from the thrift stores. 

The three of them went to that lookout that Joel talked about in those messages when you were away at Delta 42. He told you that you’d look at the universe while he’d hold his. In his mind, there was no better place to propose to you. 

Joel parked by a tree that overlooked the city below and Tommy started to hang those fairy lights above. Sarah opened the tailgate and started helping Joel fix everything, laying out blankets and pillows to create a cozy space. 

Joel then hopped out of the truck's bed, and he and Sarah started lining up battery-operated tea lights and placing about a hundred around the truck on the ground. 

Sarah looked up at him, “How are you feeling?” she smiled softly. 

“I’m feeling a bit nervous, but like an excited nervous, you know?” he chuckled lightly. 

She nodded and chuckled with him, “I still can’t believe you’re asking her to marry you, it’s crazy that a year ago it was just you and me.” she looked down at the container she had and pulled out photos she had gathered of you and Joel, the three of you, and some of you and Sarah throughout the months, starting to wrap them around the tree as she had put them on a long string for this purpose. 

Joel nodded and clicked his tongue, “I never thought I’d ever get married, if I’m being honest. I don’t think Tommy or I ever thought we’d find anyone to take on our asses.” he softly laughed. 

Sarah chuckled, “I guess it took a special kind of girl for you both to find, right?” she anchored the photos and then stood up and looked back at her dad who was chuckling and nodding. 

She dusted her hands off and then looked around, the sun was starting to set and everything looked so beautiful. She could tell how much thought and effort Joel put into this and knew you’d feel so special by all of this, “It looks great Dad…” 

She came over and hugged him, “I’m so happy for you. I love you.” 

He hugged her back and kissed the top of her head, “I love you too baby girl. Thank you for all your help and support with this.” 

She smiled and then looked at the time, “Time to give Maria the call?” she winked. 

He chuckled and nodded, then pulled out his phone and dialed her number. 

You watched out the window as Maria drove, noticing that you had no idea where you were going. 

“Jeez, these two really went out to the middle of nowhere…” you chuckled. 

You began driving up a dirt path and became confused, looking around you, muttering under your breath, ‘What the hell…’ 

Maria continued to drive, keeping her eyes peeled out, and looked around as she drove. She approached the top of the hill and smiled as she saw Tommy and Sarah standing on the side of the road, they waved and smiled. 

She pulled off to the side and opened the door, getting out, you followed and looked around, “Hey… where’s Joel?” 

Sarah smiled and nodded up the road, “He’s just trying to fix something before the tow truck comes, he’s just up the path a little further.” 

You looked at them all and nodded, “I see. I’ll go check on him, and see if I can help.” you smiled softly and started making your way up the path. 

Tommy smiled and cleared his throat when you were far enough away not to hear, “Like a mouse falling for the cheese in a trap…” he chuckled. 

Maria and Sarah started to tear up as you kept walking. 

—

When you got the the top of the hill you saw the truck and Joel sitting on the edge of the bed, you giggled, “Joel?” you started to walk up to him, “What? What is all this?” 

He immediately jumped off the bed and started walking towards you, smiling brightly, “Surprise darlin’!” 

You chuckled and blushed, the amount of effort that went into all the details you could see was mind-blowing and made your heart race, butterflies erupting in your stomach. 

He met you a little more than halfway up the path, and pecked your lips lightly, taking your hand in his to lead you to the truck, “Come ‘ere…” 

You smiled as you followed him, wrapping your hand around his bicep as you walked with him, “I… I am so confused what’s the occasion?” 

He kept walking and when you two got to the truck and lifted you to sit on the edge of the bed by your waist, making you giggle softly, “Can’t I just surprise you with grand and elaborate things like this?” 

You looked down at him and gently took his face in your hands and leaned down, softly kissing him a few times before pulling back, “You can… it just… still knocks me out of orbit that you love me this much sometimes…” you blushed and gently caressed his cheek. 

He took a soft breath in and then hopped up to sit next to you, “Well, I do have one more surprise so get back into orbit…” he winked and chuckled. 

You smiled and looked at him, “What do you mean one more surprise?” 

He leaned back and pulled the box that was wrapped out from behind him, “This is for you, mi vida…” he looked at you lovingly. 

You gasped softly and bit your lip, trying to keep tears from falling, “Joel… what is this? What…” you shook your head, “Why?” 

He smiled softly, “The only ‘why’ there ever will be is because I love you…” he leaned over and gently kissed your cheek, “Now open it, baby…” 

You looked at him then at the box, then back up at him, “I… I just…” you chuckled, starting to tear the wrapping paper carefully, to reveal a box, you smiled, and opened the box which had a backpack in it and then a letter on top of it saying, “Open the backpack first then me <3…”

You set the letter to the side of you and looked at Joel, “What is this?” you pulled the backpack out of the box and gently put the box aside, then looked for the zipper. It looked like a backpack that opened somewhat like a suitcase so you laid it flat and opened it up to find a Nikon camera, multiple lenses, an SD card case, and a few other accessories, “Joel… I…” you shook your head, smiling widely, feeling overwhelmed by emotion, you teared up, “This cost a fortune baby… I…” 

He scooted closer to you and gently cupped your cheek, “Before you say anything else let me just say a few things…” he gently caressed your cheek, “You deserve this. I don’t want to hear how expensive it was or how you can’t repay me… this is me taking care and supporting you and your dreams.” he kissed your forehead then nose and chuckled and when you did, tears streaming down your face.

He continued, “I already booked you with Wendy, she’s contracted with you. She also has a few other friends who want to hire you.” he tucked a strand behind your ear, “I want you to do something that you love and you love taking photos, this…” he looked down at the bag, “This is the least I can do is help you get what you need to get started, my love.” 

You shook your head and chuckled, smiling widely, then leaned in and captured his lips in a deep and slow kiss, putting your hand on his chest softly. 

He kissed you a few times before gently pulling back and pecking your lips, you whispered, “Thank you…” you leaned your forehead against him, keeping your eyes closed. 

He leaned back in and kissed you once more, you could feel his heart pounding in his chest as your hand rested there. Yours was also pounding but for an entirely different reason, you smiled against his lips and then gasped excitedly, “Oh, the letter!” you giggled and turned around to grab the envelope, carefully opening it. 

You pulled out the letter and unfolded it, smiling softly at him and then at the paper as you began to read: 

Mi amor, 

I think that continuing to write each other letters is a great idea and would love to do it with you. I, too, miss the excitement and thrill of seeing an envelope from you. Sarah will tell you that on days that I didn’t hear from you for quite some time, and before we had Skype to talk to each other– I’d sit there every morning and watch for the mailman to come only just to run out to the mailbox the second he left to look for your letters. 

I was smitten with you so early on now that I look back on it. I think within the 2nd or 3rd letter, I had developed feelings for you. I wanted nothing more than to protect you, to take care of you. I couldn’t believe that you felt the same way when we finally admitted it– and here we are. 

I constantly think back to the first time I heard your voice when Tommy and Maria had Skyped each other that one time and you and Z came in giggling. I sat on that bed and fell head over fuckin’ heels in love with you the second I realized it was your voice. I have never felt so sure about someone in my life. After Rachelle– I kept my heart very guarded and under a lot of protection, never feeling that someone would come along and completely sweep me off my feet, I never believed in love after she left. 

But you swept me off my feet. You made me believe in love again. 

You instantly made everything brighter, made everything warmer, and feel more alive. I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve brought to our lives, and my heart. 

But–- I can try to make it up to you, make you as happy as you make me. I want to spend my life with you. I want to take care of you. I want to support you. I want to give you everything you’ve given me- peace, love, and happiness for the rest of our days. I've never known a peace like the one I have when I'm with you, mi vida. 

Not too long ago, I made you a promise that one day I’d marry you, and I’d like to make good on that promise today. 

With all my love,

(hopefully your fiance) Joel

You moved the letter down into your lap after reading the last sentence and found him on one knee in front of you. Instantly your eyes were misty with tears as they began to fall, softly letting out a chuckle. 

He smiled lovingly, his eyes clouded with tears and cheeks rosy, holding up a ring box, nervously letting out a shaky breath before softly speaking your name, “Will you marry me?” 

You put your fingers over your mouth as you begin to quietly giggle, met his eyes, nodding frantically, and let out a soft chuckle as tears continue to fall down your cheeks, speechless.

You put the letter to the side of you and quickly slid down and off the tailgate of the truck, meeting him on his knee, taking his face in yours gently, smiling and giggling, nodding again and whispering “Yes…” as you brought your lips to his in a searing passionate kiss. 

He chuckled against your lips and kissed you back, putting his hand on your cheek as well, pulling back after a few kisses, “Yes?” he smiled against your lips, clarifying. 

You chuckled, which turned into a giggle, “Yes! Yes, I’ll marry you.” you gently caressed his cheeks with your thumbs, looking into his eyes, you both smiling brightly. 

He gently took your left hand and pulled his gaze back, with shaking hands as he was so nervous and excited, took the ring out of the box and put it onto your ring finger, it fit perfectly. 

You looked down at your hand and saw the ring, “Joel this is… it’s beautiful.” you touched the ring with your other hand, fixing it to be straight. 

“It’s been in my family for a couple of generations… it only felt right to make you my wife with it.” he gently took your left and hand brought it to his lips, kissing it. 

Wife. His wife. That would be a thought and title you’d never tire of hearing him refer to you as. 

You blushed and looked at him as he held your hand against his lips, your smile growing, “I love you… I love you so much…” You touched his cheek gently with your left hand and brought your lips to his, slowly and deeply kissing him. 

He put his hands on your waist and slowly stood with you, wrapping his arm around you to pull you close, against him, continuing to kiss you deeply. 

After a few moments you pulled back to look at him but then looked past his shoulder, something catching your attention, seeing someone in the distance with what you think is a camera, you chuckled nervously, “Honey, who’s that?”

Joel looked behind him and smiled then waved his hand over, beckoning them to come to you guys, “I hired someone to capture this moment for you…” he looked at you then a young man came jogging up. 

“Congratulations!” he smiled brightly, shaking Joel’s hand. 

You looked at Joel and teared up, “You thought about that too?” you smiled softly.

He looked at you and then shyly to the ground, “I wanted this to be perfect… the smallest details mattered and I know how much you love having things like this documented.” he then looked up at you and kissed your temple. 

The young man smiled and cleared his throat softly, “My name is Eddie, it’s so lovely to meet you. I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you.” he took your hand and shook it, smiling softly. “I was just wondering if I could take a few close-ups of the ring. And then if you want, I can gather some of you both?” 

You nodded hearing some of what he said, feeling completely overwhelmed. You chuckled, “Sorry, I’m still in shock. You just tell me where to be and what to do.” 

He nodded and let out a light laugh, then captured some photos of the ring, some with Joel’s hand holding yours, some with your hand on his chest, and some back in the ring box. 

While he was taking some photos of the truck and scene, you stepped away somewhat with Joel, completely in your own little world, you looked up at him, still in his arms, “I can’t believe all of this, I… I don’t even think I’ve seen half of the details quite yet. How… how long have you been planning this?” you combed his hair back softly. 

He held you close by wrapping his arm around your waist and having his other hand splayed against your hip, rubbing it softly, “Officially… I got the ring at the beginning of the month but I’ve been putting the plan together since we got home from that dinner we went to.” he rubbed his nose against yours softly. 

You smiled and looked up into his eyes, blushing, biting your bottom lip, “You’re going to be my husband…” 

He chuckled softly and nodded before whispering, “And you’re going to be my wife…” then capturing your lips gently and kissing you deeply, beginning to tangle his tongue with yours. 

Eddie turned around and captured some photos of you two talking then a few of you kissing each other. He cleared his throat softly, making you and Joel shyly pull away. 

You hid your face by hiding in his shoulder. Joel chuckled and looked at Eddie, who chuckled as well and came closer. 

 “Alright you two love birds, I’m going to leave you to enjoy the moment, I’ll get you these photos within the week.” he put his lens cap on the camera. 

You turned around and smiled, “Thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me to have this captured. I’m so excited to see your work.” you moved forward and hugged him softly. 

He smiled and hugged you back, then pulled back and chuckled, “Congrats again. Can’t wait to see the wedding.” he winked.

You went back and settled against Joel as he pulled you in by wrapping his arms around you from behind and kissing your shoulder softly, you blushed, “We can’t either.” 

He smiled and nodded, “Ya’ll have a good night.” he began walking down the hill where you had come from. 

You smiled and looked at the truck then saw the photos wrapped around the tree and unwrapped yourself from his arms, walking up to take a closer look, studying each one, smiling at all the memories captured. 

Joel smiled watching you before he got into the bed of the truck, and opened up the picnic basket, “You hungry sweetheart?” 

You turned around and bit your lip, hiding your grin, “Starving!” you got up into the bed of the truck and sat next to him, putting the blanket he was under, over your lap as well. 

He pulled out the food he had ordered, “Thought the occasion called for something old fashioned and reliable.” he handed you a styrofoam box and then opened his as he opened yours, both had your favorite sandwiches and salads from the diner called ‘Franny’s’. 

You hummed and kissed his cheek, “Exactly what I was craving… thank you, cowboy.”

He nodded and leaned over, kissing your temple. 

You two began eating in silence for a few minutes, then you covered your mouth as you chewed, “You said this ring was in your family… how many generations does it go back?” you then leaned your head against his shoulder and looked at the ring sparkle as the fairy lights above you hit it. 

Joel ate the last bite of his sandwich before he nodded, “It goes back 3 generations, we will be the 4th.” 

You smiled, “Does this mean one of our kids gets it when they grow up? Sarah’s partner for her?”

He chuckled and shook his head, “No one gets it unless you want to give it up or I replace it.” he softly took your hand in his and tangled your fingers with his. 

You nodded and stayed silent for a moment, then giggled, “Oh shoot, this means you beat Tommy to it!” 

He joined you in chuckling and nodded, “Indeed I did…” 

You smiled softly and put your food aside then wrapped your around his bicep as he continued to eat, “You know, what’s funny is Maria and I just talked about the concept of marriage with you two today while she was trying outfits on.” you rubbed your thumb absentmindedly against his arm, looking at the view of the city slowly starting to light up as the sunset. 

“Yeah? Tommy’s talkin’ about marriage?” he hummed as he took a bite of his salad. 

You nodded and smiled, “Maybe we’ll have a double wedding…” you teased. 

Joel shook his head and chuckled, “We are not having a double wedding, my love. You’re havin’ your own damn day...” he leaned over and kissed your head. 

You smiled and blushed, nodding, “Understood.” 

“Big or small wedding?” Joel said after a few moments of silence. 

You hummed, “Define big?” 

He chuckled and leaned you both back, laying against the pillows as it started to get darker, “I think like everyone at the barbeque is big…” 

You nodded, “Big then. I want every one of those people there.” you smiled and let his arm wrap around you, moving your head to lay on his chest, hearing his heart beat at a steady rhythm. 

“What about you, what would you like?” you said softly. 

“I want a big one, everyone there that’s supported us.” he kissed the top of your head, “That or we elope with just the two of us, two witnesses and Sarah… no in-between.” he chuckled. 

You giggled, “Elope?” you moved your head to look up at him, “Goodness, you just put a ring on my finger, slow down Romeo…” you joked. 

He looked down at you and licked his lips as he looked at yours, then moved slightly, enough to move so he had access to your lips, “Can’t blame me for wanting you to be my wife sooner than later, can you?” he leaned in and captured your lips in a slow deep kiss. 

You blushed and cupped his cheek, kissing him back, gently pulling back, “No, I can’t.” you bit your lip, “I like being called your wife, has a nice ring to it.” 

He smirked and gently nudged your nose with his, “Yeah? Mrs. Miller, my wife, has a nice ring to it?” he hovered over your lips, teasing you. 

You blushed a deep shade of red and nodded, humming, “Just like calling you my husband has the same sweet ring to it.” you reached up for his lips, only for him to pull back and look down at you with eyes dark and full of lust. 

“Call me that again…” he looked at your lips, hungry. 

You grinned and took your hand that was cupping his cheek and ran it slowly down his chest, then pulled his belt loops gently, teasing him back in any way you could, you took your time and said sultry and slowly, “My husband…” 

He growled and leaned down, capturing your lips in his, kissing you deeply and slowly, both of you started to breathe heavily and excitedly. He trailed his hand down your body and brought your dress up your thighs, moving down to kiss your neck and shoulder, “Can you take this dress off for me baby?” he said against your skin, lightly biting the skin on your collarbone. 

You gasped and let out a soft moan before nodding and sitting up a little, pulling the bow that kept the top part tight and then sliding the straps off your shoulder, looking at Joel as you did this, biting your lip shyly, “Can I have my fiance help me with this part?” 

Joel sat up and kissed your shoulder as he gently put his fingers on the straps and pulled them down your body. You wore no bra so your nipples instantly perked from the chill in the air that surrounded you now. 

He continued to push it down your chest and torso, getting to your hips, he pulled his lips from your skin and looked up into your eyes, “Lay back, mi vida…” he said breathlessly.

You slowly lay down on your back and arched your back a little to accentuate your breasts when he had you lift your hips to take your dress off fully, blushing, leaning up onto your elbows, “Your turn…” 

Joel bit his lip and stared at yours as he unbuttoned his shirt and took it off, “God you’re so beautiful…” he couldn’t help but get in between your legs and connect his lips to yours in a hurried heated kiss, pushing you to lay flat on your back. 

Your hands moved to his belt as you kissed him, tangling your tongue with his as he brought his hand up to cup your cheek, to bring you closer.

He moved his lips to your jaw and then neck as your fingers pulled at his belt buckle, eventually working that to open and then unbuttoning and zipping his jeans and eagerly tugging his pants and boxers down his ass and midway down his thighs, gasping as you felt his length press up against your core, which he realized was bare, no panties, which he would have remembered if he took any off, he pulled back and kissed up your jaw, “Dime mi vida, ¿me estoy volviendo loca o no usaste bragas hoy?” (Tell me mi vida, am I going crazy or did you not wear any panties today?) he said with a strained, horse voice. 

You smirked and leaned up, kissing him once slowly and deeply then sucking on his bottom lip and pulling it as you disconnected and laid back down against the pillow and kissed his chest, trailing kisses up his neck, “No te estás volviendo loco, mi amor…” (You’re not going crazy)

He let out a deep groan and his eyes rolled back as he smirked, letting out a deep chuckle, “Mmm, you’ll be the death of me with how naughty you are, querida…” he began to grind himself through your folds, holding himself steady in between your bodies. 

You carded your fingers through the thick locks of his hair and held him against your skin as he began sucking love bites into your chest. 

After spending sufficient time marking what was his he pulled back and looked up at you, “Come ‘ere…” he leaned down and captured your lips with his, kissing you deeply and with much love and passion. He kicked his boots off of his feet and discarded his pants as well, before he lined himself at your entrance and went to push in when he pulled back, making you moan softly. 

He grinned against your lips, making you move your lips to kiss his jaw and neck, “Baby, please…” you begged, “I want you…” you gently started sucking love bites into his neck, near his pulse point, grinding your hips down to try and slip him into you with how he was perched at your entrance. 

He grunted once you started marking his neck, “Oh f-fuck…” his skin prickled with goosebumps at the sensation of your lips against his neck. 

He swallowed and gave in, slowly burying himself deep into you, making you inhale sharply, moaning, “Joel…” gripping onto his shoulder and hair, “Fuck you’re deep…” 

He stopped when he was fully in and cupped your cheek, “Eyes on me…” he panted, “Keep your eyes on me mi vida…” he put his forehead gently against yours and gripped hips gently, beginning to thrust himself in and out of you, slowly, softly grunting and groaning. 

You smiled and moaned, softly confessing, “The second you and I are married…” you gasped at a change of angle as he opened up your pelvis by putting his hand under your knee and pushing it up, cursing under your breath, lip quivering at the burst of pleasure you were feeling from this angle. 

He grinned, “Keep going, the second we’re married, what do you want my love?” he cooed as he started to slowly sped up his pace, grunting through clenched teeth. 

You panted and chuckled, “F-fuck… I…” your mind began to feel like mush as he was beating against that soft spot deep within, you began to talk in gibberish, feeling the warmth of your release starting to gather deep in your core. 

He leaned down and kissed your pulse point, “Tell me baby… talk to me…” he kissed your neck then softly nibbled on your earlobe before saying lowly, “What can I give you when I’m your husband?” 

You gripped his shoulder and held onto his hair, tugging gently as that built your climax up quickly, you arched your back and panted quickly, “Oh fuck, oh fuck… don’t stop…” you pleaded, biting your lip, whimpering. 

He gently nibbled your jawline and growled, “Mmm fuck… that’s a good girl, cum on my cock…” he felt you begin to tighten around him, he gripped onto your leg tighter to hold you there, and took his other hand, gliding it up your body to grip your nipple between his thumb and finger and gently pulling towards him. 

The coil deep within snapped and your head went back as your body arched off the bed of the truck, moaning loudly as you came around his cock, pussy pulsing and clenching as waves crashed down over you. 

Joel grinned and praised you, “That’s a good girl, you feel so good when you cum around my cock…” he kissed your chin and throat when your head was back, trailing his nose down your chest before taking one of your nipples between his lips and sucking it gently. 

You panted, chest heaving up and down as you came down from your high, combing your fingers through his hair, mumbling, “God you’re so good to me, taking care of me…” you closed your eyes and swallowed, feeling like you were floating as your orgasm settled down. 

Joel pulled away from your breast with a pop and came to meet your lips, kissing you deeply and slowly, keeping a slow but deep rhythm of his cock inside you, humming as he pulled back after a few moments of devouring your lips, “Can you tell me now what you want, mi amor?” he kissed your chin gently, panting as he started to speed up his movements. 

You looked at him and cupped his cheek, pulling him to kiss your lips in a searing passionate kiss before barely pulling back and whispering against his lips, “Quiero que me pongas un bebe…” (I want you to put a baby in me) you panted against his lips, moaning as he kissed your cervix with a deep thrust he did in response to your confession. 

He grinned against your lips, “No me tientes (Don’t tempt me), my love, I’ll do it tonight if you want it that bad.” he grunted and began to speed up his hips into your core, gripping onto your hip and leg tightly. 

You moaned as he continued to crash into you, continuing to kiss that spot and your cervix over and over, inhaling sharply, eyes rolling back in pleasure, “Don’t stop, god please… f-fuck!” you cried out in sweet pleasure, starting to grind your hips against his to create more friction in an attempt to break that coil that kept teasing you like it was going to snap. 

He grunted and he moved his hand to press against the back window of the truck to steady himself over you, “Fuck baby, fuck…” he panted, sweat lightly coating his skin as he groaned in pleasure feeling you suck him deep into your core, “God… fuck…” his eyebrows furrowed. He shut his eyes for a moment, feeling that deep pull behind his navel, before opening his eyes and smiling down at you, moving his hand off the truck and cupping your cheek, “Fuck I love you, I can’t wait to marry you… see you walkin’ down that aisle in a gorgeous dress…” he groaned feeling a warmth start to move up his spine, “I can’t wait to vow my life to you… to take care of you for the rest of our days…” he panted. His hips became erratic as he softly whispered weakly as he laid his forehead against yours, “No puedo esperar a ser tu marido y tú, mi esposa.” (I can't wait to be your husband and you, my wife.)

You leaned up and whispered, “Come for me, my love.” then reached up and kissed him deeply as he whimpered against your lips, cumming deep into you, hips stuttering, his knees giving out, chest heaving. 

He pulled back from your lips and cried out as you rocked your hips a little, milking him for everything he could give you, “F-fuck…” he leaned his head against your shoulder and chuckled softly, “God I love you…” he kissed your shoulder weakly and turned to kiss your neck. 

You softly giggled and traced your fingers on his back, tracing love letters into his skin with your fingertips as he lay against your body, humming softly. 

After a few moments, he slowly sat himself up and hissed as he took himself out of your warm core, and laid beside you, chest still heaving but slower, you leaned your head against his chest and looked up at the sky, the stars now visible and shining brightly. 

He looked up at the sky with you and after a few moments you both saw a shooting star shoot across the night sky, you gasped softly, giggling excitedly, “Quick- make a wish!” 

Joel pulled you closer in his arms and softly traced his thumb up and down your back, leaning his lips down to kiss your head, saying softly, “Don’t need a wish baby, I’ve got everything I could ever wish for right here…” 

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taglist:  @sarahhxx03, @blahkateisdone, @sunnytuliptime, @pedroscurls, @docharleythegeekqueen @pedritosgirl2000

[pisces-swirlix]

Okay DBD fandom. Bear with me, this is stupid as hell, but I’m laughing uncontrollably on the floor of my room and I have to share.

For context, there was this show I used to watch: Galavant. It only ran for like two seasons back in 2015, but it was awesome. It was like this fantasy/comedy/musical type thing. I was recently reminded of its existence when I randomly heard one of the songs.

It was a song that they did in the show sang by this evil witch. When the main character meets her, you find out she owns this tavern, and it’s full of all these muscly dudes, so you’re like “oh he’s about to get the shit beaten out of him.” Long story short, no. The witch owns a gay bar, and instead of beating him up, they proceed to do a musical number titled “Off with His Shirt.”

I don’t even know if I have to elaborate more on this, but I’m cracking up at Charles and Edwin meeting Desire and it being exactly like this.

[a-bit-too-critical]

Holy shit?!? I watched the newest ep thinking it would be crap that I wouldn’t care about at all (especially with stolASS in the thumbnail), BUT THAT WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF DECENT??? IM KINDA OBSESSED IN SOME WAYS (obviously minus the Stolitz crap but still 😭)

Spoilersss below ofc

STELLA IS BACK LETS FREAKING GOOOO!!!

I do think the fact she never even CONSIDERED reporting Stolas’ illegal grimore use is really stupid, it feels like Viv didn’t know what would cause the authorities to arrest Blitzø so she made some crap up 😭

Here’s a more fun idea: Stella saw Blitz fall out of a window that fateful day with the grimore, but always assumed Blitz stole it and Stolas got it back easily considering the whole hell hierarchy (IMPs are seen as useless and weak). During a recent visitation day with Octavia, she was plotting ways to get rid of Stolas, asked her, and Octavia spilled what’s ACTUALLY been going on, which she then passed onto Andrelphus. Not perfect but a bit better than what was shown here I’d say

…Also why does Andrelphus keep calling Stella hot?? That’s your sister bro?? Why not make him say “you’re lucky you’re powerful” or “you’re lucky you’ve got insight on Stolas’ current life” or even “you’re lucky you’re of use to me”?? But no, we got stuff that kinda sounds like incest 😭

Not bothering to add an image here but I love the interns, they’re probably there for a college requirement or something (assuming hell has an education system) and Blitz is just like “HELL YEAH FREE LABOR” (more proof that bro does not actually care about his workers, idc what the show wants you to believe lmao) (good to see they likely weren’t caught up in the arrest tho, probably let go after they explained their story thankfully)

Also Moxxie dear god I felt so bad for him, he was sobbing and looked genuinely distressed, especially after hearing “we are going to beat you”. He definitely has ptsd from his dad and he deserves so much better than Blitz as a boss /srs

I also felt pretty bad for Loona, she doesn’t even want to work at IMP and doesn’t give a crap about the Stolas drama yet is now being arrested over it. I’ll get into this more later but proof that hell doesn’t care about hellhounds and Imps!!

Back to Moxxie, Blitz stuffing paper in his mouth while he was clearly visibly distressed caused me to lose a piece of my soul (and we’re expected to laugh at it, as usual :/)

Haven’t mentioned Millie much here but that’s kinda because she knows what to do in this kind of situation? She’s a wrath imp, she’s not afraid to kill literally anybody to save her life. She knows how to hide evidence and fight as well. She is completely fine in this scenario and knows what to do (and is clearly shown to be staying mostly calm, unlike Moxxie or Loona).

SATAN!! THE DRAGON DESIGN FITS PERFECT FOR HIM!!! this is by far my 2nd favorite sin design (only behind Bee, unpopular opinion but I freaking love her design)!!! I also love how they gave him buff arms but skinny legs (as he’s likely punching, grabbing/choking, and stuff like that a lot, but is rarely kicking, jumping around (he can fly, no need), or even running that much)!

ALSO LEVIATHAN AND BELPHAGOR!!! Belphagor fits pretty dang well imo, though I with they’d made her a bit more “plush like” to represent a sort of laziness and preference of sleeping instead of waking. Not sure how to feel about Leviathan just yet, I like the 2 head approach but the left head is just a copy paste Glitz or Glam 😭

AND BEEEEEE MY GIRL IS BACK!!! SO NICE TO HEAR HER TALK AGAIN AND HER NEW OUTFIT LOOKS SO FREAKING GOOD ON HER!!!

Alsooo I love that Moxxie has finally had enough of his boss!! He fought against his crappy defense of “attempting a crime isn’t illegal” instead of blindly defending him. You go Moxxie!!!

Anddd Andrelphus once again says his sister is hot FOR NO GOD DAMN REASON, Bee and Ozzie look rightfully disgusted though so at least it’s being portrayed as a negative thing 💀

AND VASSAGO ACTUALLY SPEAKING FULL SPANISH SENTENCES ON SCREEN WITHOUT UNNECESSARY SUBTITLES TRANSLATING HIM??? HOLY CRAP?? ITS A SMALL VICTORY BUT IM TAKING IT!!

Hey so what the hell

THIS MAN GOT HIS EYE FREAKING EXPLODED AND HE COMES OUT OF IT WITH THAT??? THATS IT?!? THATS BARELY EVEN VISIBLE WHAT THE HELL??

HIS EYESIGHT IN THAT EYE SHOULD BE AT THE VERY LEAST WEAKENED IF NOT COMPLETELY BLINDED, AND AT LEAST SOME OF HIS FACE SHOULD BE FREAKING MELTED OR CLEARLY BURNED. VIV, MAYBE TAKE SOME NOTES FROM QUEEN SCARLET FROM WINGS OF FIRE, BECAUSE EVEN THAT KIDS BOOK SERIES SHOWED HER FACE MELTED AFTER INJURY

Ughhh sorry, that one just really infuriated me :(

Ok this one might get a bit headcanon-ish since I selfship with Bee, but they mischaracterized the living hell out of her 😭

No surprise she tries to defend Blitz of course, as far as she can see that’s the father of Loona. But here’s my thing: WHY DOES SHE NOT EVEN TRY TO DEFEND LOONA??? HER BOYFRIEND’S LIKELY BEST FRIEND AND HER SELF DESCRIBED “FAVORITE PERSON”?? UGHHHHH SHE WOULD NOT DO THAT. NUH UH, SHE’S FIESTY AND WOULDNT HESITATE TO DEFEND OR SAVE SOMEONE OF HER OWN, MARGINALIZED KIND. I MEAN SHE LITERALLY INSULTED AND THREW A PENIS-POPSICLE AT MAMMON IN FRONT OF ALL THE OTHER SINS, AND SHE CLEARLY DOESNT THINK TWICE ABOUT IT. DEAR FREAKING GOD SHE WOULD DO SOMETHING-

In short, Bee would not freaking do this. Continue.

We haven’t got to this part of the ep yet so I’ll talk about it more later, BUT THEY ACTUALLY HAVE GONE BACK TO THE WHOLE CLASSISM DISCUSSION!!! FINALLY!!! Satan calls Blitz an “Imp bastard” that they can just kill and not care about, and nearly everyone agrees. With Stolas later however, that is NOT the case. I hate the classism but I love the discussion of why is so screwed up. Beautiful.

Ozzie looking up from his phone was freaking heartbreaking as well. He clearly cares about Fizz to a straight up unhealthy degree and would do anything for him (Codependency), but he knows he can’t do anything here. I think the same goes for Bee at this point, earlier she could’ve stood up and fought but now any bite-back would get her head cut off, especially considering how she is likely viewed for dating a hellhound and how Ozzie is viewed for dating an Imp.

AND BLITZ’S SPEECH?!? IM SORRY BUT IVE GOTTA RECORD THIS ONE ITS JUST TOO PERFECT, THIS IS WHAG THE SHOW SHOULDVE BEEN ABOUT AND THE PATH IT FOLLOWED.

(Ignore my friend yapping about TADC in the discord group 😭)

THIS IS ACTUALLY BEAUTIFUL. AND YKNOW WHAT THIS SHOULDVE BEEN? THE FINALE. THE END. THERE SHOULDVE BEEN NO STOLAS TO SAVE HIM. WHY, JUST WHY COULDNT THIS SHOW HAVE BEEN ABOUT MISSIONS WITH SLOWLY MORE DRAMA AND EVENTUALLY THIS, AND SINCE BLITZ HAS NO RELATIONS WITH THE POWERFUL… he just dies. It would show that, in a society so royally screwed up by this level of classism, they wouldn’t have cared. Our main guy is just some random Imp to them. Blitz never supported the rich, and for that, he died. Now THAT would’ve been a dark yet amazing commentary. But this is Viv so that’ll never happen 😭

Also this is nitpicky but the ass joke with Stolas is just so tonally dissonant, like this is a very serious and celebratory moment that shouldn’t have a stupid joke in it…

ALSO GOD DAMN IT NO NO NO MORE STOLITZZZ 😭

I am never, ever getting over the fact the actually successfully made an “in the only way I know how to… SONG” joke, it’s freaking amazing

Anyway, not going super in depth in this song but STOLITZ DOES NOT DESERVE THIS BOP OMGGG GIVE THIS TO ANOTHER SHIP PLEASE 😭

and of course Stolas called Blitz a worm and a bunch of other derogatory stuff as per usual, sureee you don’t look down on him bucko :/

GANG. WE WON. I DONT CARE IF STELLA GAVE AN EVIL SMILE AFTER THIS, THIS IS THE SWEETEST MOMENT IN THE SHOW. I KNOW STELLA WILL BE A BETTER MOTHER THAN STOLAS, AND I HOPE THE SHOW PORTRAYS HER AS ONE. ALL I KNOW IS THAT STELLA DOES CARE FOR OCTAVIA, BUT LET HER HATRED OF STOLAS GET IN THE WAY OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. Now that there’s no Stolas… they can have an actually good life. Now Viv, you know you screwed up when your “bad ending” over here is actually the best possible outcome.

OK NOW UH

“You’re demon royalty!! Soooo your life has actual worth!”

THE CLASSISM HOLY HELL, I NEED MORE OF THIS. THIS!! THE THING THE SHOW WAS ACTUALLY MEANT TO COMMENTATE ON!!! HELL DOESNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE WHO IS NOT ROYAL, NO MATTER HOW SUCCESSFUL THEY ARE. THEY SEE THEM AS PAWNS FOR THE ROYALTY AND HIGHER UPS TO USE.

THIS PUNISHMENT FOR STOLAS WAS ACTUALLY THE BEST WE COULDVE EVER GOTTEN. BECAUSE HE FREAKING DESERVES IT. HE ABUSED THE LOWER CLASS (Blitz) FOR HIS OWN GAIN TO THE POINT OF CHEATING ON HIS OWN WIFE AND NEGLECTING HIS DAUGHTER, PLUS IGNORING EVERY ASPECT OF HIS LIFE EXCEPT HIS LITTLE PAWN TO ABUSE. AND NOW HIS IS THE PAWN, NOW HE HAS TO SEE THE CLASSISM IN ACTION. HELL. YES. Albeit I wish Blitz would throw him out on the street to freaking die but oh well, Viv needs her stupid Stolitz :/

AND THIS. YALL DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SATISFYING THIS WAS. Blitz managed to fight against classism in a court and show so much support for Impkind, something he should be celebrated for. And Stolas abused said impkind, so should be hated on. Simple as that. Finally the god dang tables have turned and I could not be more pleased.

And even though I’m not a fan of Loona still loving Blitz so deeply despite all the crap he puts her and the others through, I loved seeing Stolas look so horrified. It’s almost like he’s realizing his daughter never freaking says that. It’s almost like he’s realizing he was a god awful father. Took ya long enough.

ALSO I SAW A TEXT ON BLITZ’S PHONE ASKING IF HE ONLY HIRES IMPS??? I THINK HE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE CHALLENGING THE CLASS SYSTEM HERE AND BRINGING DOWN THE HIERARCHY A BIT!!! THE CLASSISM COMMENTARY MIGHT ACTUALLY BE PERMANENTLY BACK HOLY CRAP!!!

I’m not even gonna talk about the Stolitz at the end 💀

But Blitz deserves those fireworks!!! He’s not perfect by any means and his previous abusive actions toward his crew should NOT BE EXCUSED, but what he did here is amazing and should be celebrated. Love to see it

Overall rating: 9/10!!

Pros: Classism commentary, Stella gets custody of Octavia and Andrelphus gets Stolas’ position, Stolas gets what he deserves, Satan has an epic design. Also some higher quality animation!

Cons: Stolitz, Moxxie abuse played for laughs, mischaracterization of Bee

[waynewifey]

aftermath — b.w

part one - ‘dear mr. wayne’

part two - ‘aftermath’

part three. - ‘aporia’

summary: you escaped that warehouse, but part of you died in there. now, your husband helps you grief your own loss while trying to not murder your relationship.

pairing: bruce wayne/battinson x reader

genre: drama & angst romance

warnings: mentions of sex and alcohol; mentions of ptsd, anxiety and it’s symptoms; hospital setting; dubious science; dubious law enforcement

word count: 2.9k

A/N: thank you for all the positive feedback on part 1! there will be a part three because this post would get too long, so let me know if you’ll like to be tagged in that. my biggest challenge writing this was trying to give bruce the start of a redemption arc, please tell me if you think it worked. comments and constructive criticism is appreciated!

gotham, USA.

the continuous beeping sound wakes you up.

your eyes are still closed, blocking the intense light over your head. your senses are taken by the familiar scent: sandalwood, cinnamon and lemongrass soap. it almost feels like you're home.

but your feet are senseless from the cold and the bedsheets faintly smell like chlorine. there's a pinching ache in your arm and the scenario is complete. oh how you hate hospitals.

"how are you feeling?" back at home, bruce had learned the difference in your breathing as you woke up, which made pretending to sleep hard enough for you to give up. you open your eyes, finding yourself in a luxurious room. if it wasn't for the IV on your left side, it could easily be mistaken for a five star hotel.

bruce sat at a large light green armchair, about four feet from your left hand. you couldn't tell by his voice, but he looked exhausted. for once, he's wearing sweatpants. the puffy face and swollen eyes show he hasn't had much sleep. you, on the other hand, feel like you've slept for a thousand years.

"i have no idea. what's up with me?" his sigh has your heart racing and the fear of being a liability falls over you. a comforting hand lays on yours, his warms fingers grounding you to remember the last time you were awake. it felt like a nightmare and you desperately hoped it was. instead, the pain comes in flashes, the image of your husband being shot and the feeling of hitting ice cold water do too. it's all just so horrible you wish it wasn't real.

"they told me you were going to be fine, but i don't know." bruce feels as if a burden has come off his chest finally seeing you move. the last couple of days have been a torture of expectation and blame for him. "the doctor had you in an induced coma. you had a concussion on the river. your stomach was stitched up. he said..." he stops for a moment, this is obviously way too hard for him to go through again. bruce hasn't left the room ever since he was discharged. everyday, for two weeks, he kept overthinking the night before and the day during. if he had stayed up and talked about your relationship, you wouldn't be in that bed. if he looked for you in the morning, if he noticed your absence at work, if he hadn't put his phone on silent mode... there were a million of things that he could've done different so the most important person in his world wouldn't have gone through all of that. "he said the ptsd would worsen your recovery. this morning the nurses told me you were better, so i have to believe them. that's my only hope."

you need a moment to take in the words, finally deciding that you didn't want to discuss your health. there were way better people to pay attention to that in the building and it would only make you anxious. you can't help but stare at his eyes, your mind bringing up the image of your husband choking the man that kept you hostage.

"you almost killed him." the tone is of disapproval, bruce couldn't be any more confused. he frowns. bile arises from his stomach leaving a acid taste to his mouth.

"i would've, of course i would. y/n, you had no idea what i would do for you. i would fight the devil himself if it meant keeping you safe. that's why i do what i do. the batman, the politics, it's all for you. if i can make this world 1% better for you, for our children, to live on, it's worth it." his gulp is loud, adam's apple going up and down, showing how dry his throat was. the following words have his voice shaking, almost disappearing. "but fate keeps telling me that i'm not enough. no matter what i do, you keep getting hurt and i just-" bruce stares the floor. that's something he always did when saying harsh things, avoiding eye contact and not letting tears slip away. however, this time it doesn't work at all. he can hear his heart tearing up with every syllable, the physical pain striking his chest. he wants to beg you to forgive him, but there is a noble thing to do. his words are cut off by the creaking of the door and the doctor's footsteps. he's smiling, like this isn't hell. bruce shrinks into the couch, making himself ignorable.

"so... i have good news!" the blonde says, clipboard in hand. "we need to run some other tests and an x-ray, but you seem to be healing pretty well. we'll hold you in for a couple of days just to make sure there aren't any complications with your body and then you can go home. how are you feeling so far?"

you're surprised by the sudden change in the conversation and your brain needs a moment to think about something helpful. you do a body scan trying to identify any pain, but overall you feel good.

"hungry. like, starving." the doctor smiles, saying he'll get you a meal as soon as possible. he warns you that you may not be able to eat much just yet, something about your stomach shrinking. you nod, already feeling irritated by the recovery process. then he leaves and there's a loud silence until you get back on the previous topic.

"you just what?" you expect bruce to sit correctly again, but he doesn't. he looks so small in the shadows, so comfortable. you really don't want to talk about that anymore, but curiosity takes over. he doesn't respond immediately, so your heart pounds over the anxiety of hearing bad news. suddenly you feel so tired, you want him to take over all the decisions like he usually does. today, though, he seems open to suggestions, like his own ideas weren't suitable. how could you know someone so well but still have no idea what's on his mind?

"i think maybe you shouldn't be associated with me. any part of me." the world stops with your breathing. bruce wishes he could take it back. going over this conversation in his head made it seem easier to say out loud. you've been married for three years. you knew his ambitions for even longer. you chose this life and he has no right to take that from you. still, the ring on your finger weighs you down.

— DENIAL

you've learned to appreciate the winter winds. at the top of the wayne tower there were barely any, but tonight they caress your face with the gift of numbness. breathing in is both refreshing and painful. the scratched teacup warms your fingers, a small memoir from your childhood home, from times that won't ever come back. you used to be down there, frightened by dark alleys and gunshots. now you're on top of the world and nothing, not even that psychopath, can take that from you. you did relearn discomfort. ache. cold. it all made you appreciate life even more. in fact, the month that followed your hospital discharge was pure bliss. something about renewal, about rebirth.

bruce watched you from the living room, the wrinkled glass distorting your silhouette in the balcony. that was a good representation of how he currently saw you, slightly blurred and shaken. his cup would usually hold whiskey, neat, but it holds coffee instead. you keep saying you're fine and waking up screaming in the middle of the night. then he would hold you and you would be actually fine. so now he's staying awake through the night, sleeping three or four hours during the day while alfred takes care of you. of course they don't let you know, because you've denied every explicit help. as you get ready to sleep, bruce gets ready to stay in bed through the night, alone with his thoughts. part of him was scared to sleep. he was sleeping when you were taken, there's no way he would let that happen again.

it has been almost a year since he stopped patrolling the city. the news cover murders and robberies every day. alfred makes sure to come up with something for both bruce and you to do at those hours. he's taken a pause in promoting his candidacy, he couldn't handle the public eye for now. still, the marketing team insists that your kidnapping was good media, even though he never officially spoke on it. they publish notes about being away, about taking care of family. he can't see how that could be good in any way.

you open the glass doors, flashing your husband a sweet smile. you're in a red silk robe and your hair is still perfectly done. perfectionism was one of the side effects, as one may call it, of the trauma. you visited a psychiatrist about a month ago, since bruce insisted on it, and he marked all of the habits that made you happy as unhealthy. you never told bruce what was said in that appointment in hopes that he'll get over it. him treating you like a porcelain doll made you nauseous.

"ready for bed?" you ask, standing behind the couch and hugging his shoulders. you breathe in his scent, remembering the day you met. you were an executive in an overseas wayne enterprises headquarters that had just gotten transferred to gotham. they offered you six figures to take the second in command position, so you obviously got to know the first in command. in the beginning, you honestly thought he was an entitled brat that didn't work at all. overtime, you realised how much he cared about the company and how much he was pining over you. you gave him an opening and he asked you out. six months into the relationship, he told you about batman. he knew, somehow, that you would be forever.

he sets in bed while you're touching up in the bathroom. the night had to be perfect. you've hadn't made love ever since the fight and ovulation week had gotten you a little crazy. you check yourself in the mirror, thanking the hormones making you sexy. you crawl into his side, slower than needed, hair falling over the shoulder. "hi" you whisper, sitting diagonally from him and cuddling a bit. he says hi back, with a chuckle. you give him a little peck, which is all you've been doing for all of this time. he stays still, not pulling back but also not doing anything either. you try to take it as a good sign. your lips then reach his jawline and neck, leaving wet kisses all over his skin. your hands touch his shirt and go underneath it, tracing your fingers along his defined abdomen. a hand holds your arm, pushing you away. your smile fades and you frown your face to him.

"touch me, bruce" you not so much ask, it's more like a plead. he sighs, channelling all his will to stick with his decision. he puts a string of your hair behind your ear and you think he's going to properly kiss you.

"i don't think we should do this. you're not well enough yet." he doesn't sound so certain, but it hits you like a hard brick wall. this is harder for him than he lets it show, he's a man after all. even so, he can't see you like that for the moment. he sees you scattered and feels like it's his responsibility to assemble you again.

"i'm perfectly fine." you state like a grumpy proud child who's just lost a soccer tournament. he sees right through it.

"you're not, you're in denial." that simple word makes your mood swing: denial. it's the same thing the stupid psychiatrist told you. you can even hear his smoker's voice echoing in the office. it isn't true. you got over it, that's all. maybe some people take more time to do so, but you did just like that. you had a life to get back to.

you get off the bed and pull your robe tight again. "i'm sleeping in the guest room. good night." he doesn't follow and lets you be. in all honesty, he didn't know if he would have the strength to turn you down a second time.

bruce tries to fight the tiredness. even with caffeine running high in his blood system, he falls asleep for a while. the guest room is far enough that he doesn't hear the muffled sobbing. he wakes up not so long after with screaming. his heart races as he runs down the stairs, following the sound of your voice. his mind starts thinking the worst, but he finds you only having nightmares. he crawls in bed with you, without being kicked off. he lets you lay on his chest, one arm over your shoulder. his body warms yours up and you finally stop spasming. it doesn't take too long for both to fall asleep.

— ANGER

the penthouse is quiet. the winter is almost at it's end, so the pre-spring rays lighten the living room bringing warmness to your solitude. you sit uncomfortably, unknown to this feeling of absence. you don't feel him in the tower.

bruce said there was a non deniable meeting with his press team, because eventually he would have to go back to promoting his election, which would take place in the fall. you acted unbothered. yet, he's barely been gone for an hour and you can already feel the anxiety crippling. you only left the apartment for doctors appointment, still too scared to walk on the streets. and he was always there, too, holding your hand. so this is different.

alfred is downstairs upgrading the batman suit with a new technology he created. he invited you, but the darkness of the cave was definitely unrequited. that's how you end up lounging, in silence, staring at window. finally, you decide to try to watch something. you shouldn't really do that, because something could trigger a panic attack. but you're fine, you really are. enough with this nonsense.

shuffling through the channels, nothing gets your attention until there's a juridical show on. the judge is talking to the prosecutor, apparently, announcing the next witness to testify. the camera angle changes to the courtroom and expectant eyes turn to the wooden door. it opens slowly to reveal a knight in dark armour. you hold your breath. the jury buzzes and the room gets loud. heavy steps make his cape swing behind him, as he makes his way to the stand.

bruce had to make a tough decision. while you and him had been cleared from the trial, you with the psychiatrist report on PTSD and him with the marriage, the lawyers mentioned that the batman's testimony could be decisive for the accused to be found guilty by the jury. the public respected him. either they loved or feared him. so, even though he's never made such a public appearance, less even speaking, he had to go to that trial. he owed it to you. but you could never know. he didn't want to spark your interest in the case, you shouldn't have to go through it again. he lays his hand on the constitution and swears on it.

it doesn't feel real until you hear the judge.

"members of the jury, i present to you the batman."

it feels like a dagger has gone through your chest. there's a mix of feelings that have you almost throwing up. you feel like screaming and crying and blowing the fucking world up. how could he do that to you? that was your case, your life. you stand up only to find your legs trembling. you want to run there and testify. you want to tell the world the horrors you've been through and show them, including your husband, that you had overcome it. he was calling you weak right in you face and you couldn't bear the feeling of being chained up again. you're stuck in this hell of a tower like some futile damsel.

you stomp your way to the elevator, your mind set on leaving the building. but your heart stops you in your tracks pounding and almost vomiting itself out; you feel your toes numb and your legs can't stop shaking. the baritone voice still sounds in the apartment. you run to it and scream at the TV. you throw a pillow on it. that doesn't cool you down. your body is in motion while all you can see is red. you knock the coffee table down, shattering the glass and scattering like ashes the books that were on it on the floor. the noise still doesn't muffle his voice and you can't find the fucking remote control. you stumble across the room, throwing lamps and vases around. everything is falling down, in every sense. you grab a candle and let out a scream when you hit the TV with it, the screen going black and the noise finally ceasing.

alfred finds the room trashed, with you kneeling on the broken glass. there's blood on the floor. your body trembles with every sob. he cautiously steps towards you. you feel out of breath, tears burning your eyes. he holds you like a mother does.

"i'm sorry- i'm so sorry," he shakes his head, saying it doesn't matter. you wanna say it does, but there's simply nothing leaving your mouth apart from "i'm so sorry"

part three - aporia

[yellowhollyhock]

Instead if the typical arguing over leadership. Raph and Leo’s arguments consist of who sacrifices themselves while the others get away. Meanwhile the bad guys are like um you know we are still here right?

*nods violently*

like in 2012 Raph is so scared when Leo tries sacrificing himself (something Splinter encouraged whether he meant to or not), and like yeah there is canonically an element of jealousy which is addressed, but it's much less often addressed how much Raph pushing back against Leo's leadership is because of those experiences. Of course he's gonna have a hard time trusting Leo's leadership when he consistently gets reminders that to Leo, being a leader means throwing yourself into the fire first

And in the meantime Leo's so protective and wants Raph to 'stay put' and 'not be a hothead' for the same reasons but opposite. Like. hnnnnn

Then in 03, Raph really does trust Leo's leadership and most of the time Leo is careful and thoughtful, not overly cautious, but it's a much slower build to the perfectionism and self-incrimination mixing in unfortunate ways with an altruistic heart. And Raph is seeing it first, and fighting it loudest, and Leo's entire ptsd arc is about how much he hates himself for asking his family to sacrifice themselves to stop the Shredder. I think of the City at War arc where, when Raph breaks and leaves, his parting words to Leo are 'just don't get these guys killed.' Like, Fine, if you don't want me to protect you, I won't, but that means it's on you to protect our little brothers. If I can't stop you from putting yourself up on the altar, you just better not bring them with you. And what Raph's really upset about is that all the ways he usually tries to protect Leo aren't working, but later on what Leo's internalized is that he shouldn't ask that of him family; he'd ask it of himself every time (it's a whole other post about how much Leo has tied up his purpose in life with being the Shredder's enemy and if Shredder is defeated then who is he and what is he worth)

Meanwhile whenever Leo holds Raph back it's most often like this: Raph saw someone in trouble or something unfair, and immediately instinctively wanted to throw his body in front of the victim, the way he always does for his brothers during a fight. Leo knows Raph does this, he knows how deeply his brother cares about their city and how instinctively protective he is if anyone helpless (weaponless, back turned, kids, elderly, animals--Raph does not like to see an uneven fight). And he's always immediately ready with a hand on his shoulder and a succinct, gentle explanation of a safer plan because he doesn't want to see Raph give himself up and he knows he would, without even thinking about it

Anyways--

Yes I love this scenario it fits them. Also makes me think of sainw where their big fight was over Splinter doing this exact move, with Leo putting off the grief and guilt in order to focus on the mission Splinter left him with, keeping his brothers safe, while Raph felt it all full force and immediately and could only see Leo abandoning someone who needed them. They probably both wished over the years that it had been them instead

Also imagining that if these two are arguing and the bad guys are watching, then they are in fact distracted which would allow Donnie and Mikey to disappear and once they've disappeared they can create a diversion to rescue Leo and Raph without anyone being left behind. Which also leaves them continuing their argument with nothing resolved between them ajdhahavaj

[wordstome]

i’m here to encourage you to please elaborate on singledad!könig

also, do any of their kids have any scuffles with each other? how do the parents and children deal with it?

This ask was sent 10 minutes after the dream daddy post went up. Anon, I adore you.

I was going to put single dad König in this same post, but then it started to go on and on, and I want to take my time with the second half of your ask as well, so all my König thoughts will go in a separate post. Thank you for enabling me :3

(also this is the post I lost 3 paragraphs worth of writing on. It was literally all of Price and Ghost's sections, so forgive me if they're not up to par).

Price: With three kids, there are bound to be spats. Brianna taking something of Alice's without asking, Clara ruining one of the older girls' possessions, etc. etc. People see Price with all girls and remark how peaceful his house must be, but Price (and anybody who has a sister) knows that is NOT true. The Price home is chaos interrupted by periods of peace. Luckily, their dad is a literal military captain, so he's able to whip them into shape. All manner of crying, yelling, and shrieking can be silenced with one singular "GIRLS!" from the man himself. Then after that comes the soothing and the stern talking-tos.

Ghost: I think Simon was great with kids pre-Roba, he had Tommy and then his nephew Joseph. But post-Roba and his work in the special forces, he's much more rough around the edges. Like I said in the main post, Caden is a pretty quiet kid, so I can't see him starting or getting into any trouble. But he is still a 10 year old, so I can see him throwing a fit when he's frustrated or uncomfortable. If this happens in public, Simon will pull him aside and talk to him quite sternly, especially if Caden is making a ruckus as an emotional outlet. In private, he gives Caden space to let it all out, and then talks to him afterwards. However, if Caden can articulate what's upsetting him, he's very gentle and understanding. One way or another, I can see Simon getting help with his PTSD, so he uses a lot of techniques that his therapist taught him with Caden.

Soap: I imagine Elodie as about 6-7 years older than Thomas, who is a literal baby, so I can't see that they get into any fights. Mostly Elodie getting cranky about Thomas getting all the attention, at which point Johnny has to reassure his daughter and give her some love as well. When they're older, Elodie is a classic older sister who fucks with her little brother. She's never truly malicious, but there are definitely times when Johnny's standing in front of them sighing and pinching his nose because Elodie's played a nasty prank on her brother. Johnny's a very picks-his-misbehaving-kid-up-like-a-doll-and-gives-them-a-noogie kind of parent. He's never raised his voice at his kids, but instead has an "if what I think is happening is happening, it better not be" tone that instantly strikes fear into his kids' hearts. I can hear it in my head. I know you guys can hear it in your head too. 'Nuff said.

Gaz: It's hard to say what it's like when Kyle's kids fight: I can see Violet being the sort of girl who is quite close with her younger brother, so I can't really imagine a lot of scenarios in which they would fight. But Elliott is a younger brother and Violet is a growing teenage girl, so there have probably been a few times when Violet got mad at Elliott and screamed at him or said something that she regretted. Kyle and Emily will both scold the kids when they step out of line, and they both do their part when it comes to discipline. Kyle in particular is a very "I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed" sort of parent. He expects a lot of Violet, but sometimes that pressure can get to her.

König: This man is overwhelmingly soft for his daughter. The calmest, most gentle giant. I think out of all the dads he's most susceptible to spoiling her, which obviously could become a problem. He's incredibly lucky though, because Ava is an angel. She is spoiled, being an only child on her daddy's colonel salary, but she gives more "kind rich girl" vibes than "inconsiderate little brat". I'm going to elaborate more on this in the upcoming König post, but he's got this deep sadness to him because he lost his wife. Ava is a pretty perceptive child, so she doesn't act out unless she's having a really hard time, in which case König is nothing but soothing and reassuring.

Horangi: If Ryujin (Hong-jin's daughter) has beef with you, he's kicking your ass right alongside her. When she was young, she was fully capable of both starting and finishing fights, and Hong-jin was an incorrigible enabler who was more likely to double over laughing than scold his daughter. Her mother usually had to be the disciplinarian. Hong-jin and Ryujin have a complicated relationship, but in adulthood, they're pretty even keel, and have grown even closer since the death of Ryujin's mom.

Keegan: Jason and Cecelia have been through a lot together, so they don't really fight. When they do though, it's nasty, and Keegan serves as more of a go-between than a disciplinarian role. Both of them will seek advice from him, but he understands that they know each other better than he does. Not for lack of trying, of course, but it's inevitable with older adoptions. His role comes from having more life experience, and he's got a kind of impenetrable chill that makes everybody a lot calmer.

[ladyorigami]

How do you feel about season 4

Bad. I feel reeeeal bad about season 4. LOL I hate it, actually-hate what they did to my boy.

Yes I'm always focused most on Five as a character, but I will say as a whole, the season is just...just a mess. They took away a lot of particular traits from the characters in order to sort of give this...shock value? Not sure that's the word, but in order for us to see how differently bland and miserable everyone's life is this time around, and to do that, they also just, sucked a ton of their characters out right with it. We also have no catharsis, no proper conclusion to the relationships and events of s3, and even though they carry that over, they don't actually give resolution.

The plot also just-and the ENDING-I...okay I need to round back to Five for a second. I'm going to ramble rant about Five for a bit PASSIONATELY so SPOILER ALERT AHEAD, don't read below this if you don't want to see me lay down a quick wall of text about The Boy:

It's not like I don't understand the 'why' of it.

Imagine spending the majority of your life in an apocalypse, eating bugs and learning how to harden your heart and kill as a child, all for the CHANCE at getting back to your family.

Throwing him back into that scenario is like...the mere THOUGHT of that makes me insane with all of the character exploration we could have had and then DIDN'T GET ANY.

Like I can't even fathom the sheer trauma he was going through once they got lost in that subway for more than a couple weeks. He's essentially in his personal hell all over again and this time it's without that hope of his family he had before. Of course he's going to cling to the one person who is there, of course they both would, it's been years. Trauma bonding exists and they both have a lot of it and yes, they are like with their rough edges and independence. So sure, I can understand the 'why' and 'how' of this happening (even if I hate it and it lowkey gives me the ick)

But we didn't even GET the character parts of that. We didn't get any trauma, didn't get any PTSD, didn't get any look into Five's mind and heart there in the subway. This really would have been a perfect opportunity to finally crack all of that wide open, because it's always been brushed off before. But nope.

Instead, an affair with Lila. A rushed sloppy timelapse and then they're a thing now and that's...it? Like the whole point of that was just for them to have this weird relationship and then they came back??

There's a time that he even SEES a younger version of himself in the same apocalypse and he reacts like he isn't even there.

This character who becomes lost without a purpose and is still searching for it, whose flame is uncharacteristically dimmed of the usual fire? Yes. I would like to explore that.

Like I said it's not even necessarily the issue that it could have happened in the beginning but it's his attitude after that really got to me. The entitlement he had to square up to Diego?? The entitlement he had to continue to cling around her when her family is there and the way he's acting...it's like it's just terrible to me.

When Five loves he loves with his whole heart, he devotes everything he has to the people he cares for but once upon a time that used to be his family and like hell if I think he would fist fight Diego for LILA. Diego his brother...Diego whose eyes warmed with such love and relief in the second season when he saw Five at that hospital. Five who sacrificed himself numerous times over to keep them safe.

I get the point is that Five is lost. That his family clearly can't give him what he needs and he's just in some ways given up trying for it. He's-tired and he just wants to rest and have something or someone that he can call his own...but that's definitely not going to be the wife of his brother???? rihgqoirgoais

I just can't swallow this attitude by him in the after bits-and I definitely can't come to terms with the fact that they basically planted him back into his personal nightmare and all that came from that was a rushed love affair. It puts a bitter bitter taste in my mouth he deserved this character exploration, he deserved to actually have his family go try and save him for once-fight for him-show him that they care as much as he's cared for them.

(There is NO slander being thrown to people who like this ship before or after s4, you guys like what you like and that's fantastic. I just have issues with the way it was all handled and I must rant passionately.)

[shu-box-puns]

Hello there mate!

Hope you're doing good and I'm here to say I ADORE you're Dad!Tsu'tey works and they bring me my daily dose of serotonin.

But also, since I've read (and reread) the "Grumpy dad and his feral son" work I've been having some thoughts. Like, what if Tsu'Tey was just a second too late and they managed to take Spider away? How would he react (I mean obviously he would hunt the shit out of them down) ? When would he and Spider reunite again? In the forest while he was with the recoms? In the battle of the Sea Dragon? I mean he would most def come to his rescue if the letter is the case to come and get him (+ to aid the Sullies), but then I also wonder what would happen. Would the whole Neytiri holding him hostige infront of Quaritch so he would release Kiri thing happen? How would he react to that? Or what if he got shot instead on Neteyam (not dying tho cos I want both my faves to live a happy life) ? I bet Tsu'Tey would be fucking terrified cos it woul remind him of how he got shot and almost died.

Anywho I'm sorry for the long line of questions and suggestions I left but when my brain finds something to hyperfixate on it will not stop coming up with questions and possible scenarios for the said thing 😅

I love the way your brain thinks Anon. (The fact I literally had most of these scenarios either thought out or planned :D) This got long. All the questions just gave me so many ideas and I RAN with it. Enjoy the memes and I hope there's no obvious spelling mistakes.

>_<

If Tsu'tey were too late to grab Spider before Quaritch got to him:

I could definitely see him tearing off after the recoms. Maybe he springs from the bushes too late, and Quaritch has already hoisted the boy up over his shoulder. Naturally, Tsu'tey still tries to attack him with his bow, but Lyle opens fire too fast and he old instinct has him retreating. Man definitely has some PTSD from getting shot during the war, and although mentally he still wants Spider back, his body goes on auto-pilot and throws him out of the line of fire. Lyle keeps shooting in his direction as the recoms retreat, but Tsu'tey isn't gonna let something as silly as instinct keep him down for long.

That's his boy, they'll have to kill him to keep him from getting him back. Thankfully, Jake knows exactly where his brain went and literally had to throw himself at this man so he didn't end up getting himself shot (again). Jake likes Spider well enough, but he thinks regrouping is a better course of action than charging in guns blazing - shocker, he's actually matured since having his kids.

Tsu'tey definitely fights with all he has against Jake, cursing at him and trying to wrestle himself free. He can't focus on anything but the distant roar of the enemy ship as it soars in close to the canopy. He can see the lights, and through the trees, the vague outlines of the recoms strapping themselves in. Lo'ak definitely has to wrestle the hunter's knife out of its sheath before he remembers it is there. But no one can save Jake from Tsu'tey biting the shit out of him. Man does not give a shit at this point.

When he gets free. (Of course it's a when not an if.) The airship is already long gone. A distant hum in the distance, even to his superior hearing. The pure, unbridled rage on this man's face is terrifying. Instead of explosive, loud anger, he's cold, almost unnervingly calm. A whole new level of terrifying.

Jake is definitely too scared to try and coax him out of the clearing and instead focuses on reassuring his children. Neytiri has to approach him, she's known him the longest afterall. Had stuck with him through the loss of Sylwanin, the fall of HomeTree, the war, she knows how best to handle him when he is like this. That doesn't mean her words are effective however. Tsu'tey needs a moment of stillness to collect his thoughts and recollect himself after the adrenaline burst, but Neytiri is already grabbing him roughly by the bicep and trying and drag him to his ikran.

He's still seething. Barely seeing straight. Half baked plans of him attacking the demon airship before it could get to Bridgehead were sounding more tempting by the moment.

Somehow Neytiri drags him out of the clearing and into the branches of the trees. Hauling his weary body to safer ground. But in his musing, Tsu'tey recalls the figure of Neytiri in the trees when Spider fell. He remembers seeing her dragging Kiri away with half a nod of acknowledgement sent Tsu'tey's way. It sends a fresh wave of rage crashing over him.

"You left him." He suddenly snarled, ripping his arm from her and pointing an accusatory finger at her. "He was right there, and you abandoned him!"

Neytiri's ears droop and she doesn't deny it. She doesn't back down either. "My priority was Kiri. I assumed you could handle it." She doesn't apologise for her actions or inaction. Just holds his gaze and holds her ground. Her expression neutral.

Tsu'tey knew she'd never taken much of a liking to Spider, despite her relationship with Jake and his heritage. Despite Tsu'tey unofficial adoption of the boy. There had always been a sense of hostility between the two. With Neytiri acting colder to Spider and the boy refusing to call her out on it. Tsu'tey had never thought to address it or try and help them mend that gap, now look at them.

And that's the real kick to the teeth. Not that Neytiri didn't care enough to be sorry that it was his kid taken instead of her own. It was the truth in her words that had his anger faltering. He should've been able to handle it. Spider was his son. And he let him slip through his fingers. He should've fought harder, dirtier. Should have resorted to teeth and nails if he had to.

So what if he got shot? If he'd angled it right, he would've had enough time to get Spider to safety.

If it had been Neteyam or Lo'ak in Quartich's hold, Jake would've torn himself apart to ensure their safety. Neytiri would've fallen into a blind rage to keep her children safe. Would have used every resource at her disposal to protect her own. She would have stared death in the face and kept snarling. And what had Tsu'tey done? Allowed a past experience to still his movements. To make him hesitate, and now he might have to pay the price for the rest of his life.

His retort dies on his tongue as his heart clenches painfully. But Tsu'tey had never been one to give up easily. He kept a tight hold on his anger, allowed it to guide him as he shoved past Neytiri and called for his ikran. His face was set in his trademark scowl, but there was a predatory fluidity to him that only came out during the war. When what he loved was threatened.

As his ikran lands beside him and he makes the bond, Lo'ak sidles up to his side, offering him back his knife. There is a familiar fire burning in the depths of the boy's eyes. A desire for vengance, and a sea of guilt and pain. Tsu'tey allows his face to soften for a heartbeat, he bends over the side of his ikran and squeezes Lo'ak's shoulder tight. "I will get him back." He promises.

Lo'ak chews on his lower lip, his eyes flickering to Tsu'tey and holding his burning gaze. He must see Tsu'tey's determination, his drive, his stubbornness, because he cracks a small smile and nods.

The family prepares to return to High Camp. Jake warning Tsu'tey that any attempts to go after Spider now was a suicide mission. He didn't argue, but neither did Tsu'tey agree. He also chose to ignore Neytiri handing Tuk off to him. Just kept his gaze ahead, and his hand loosely wrapped around the little girl's stomach so she was secure in the saddle in front of him.

If they reunited in the forest:

Lets say by chance Tsu'tey gets word of the Demon ship in clan territory again, or he's just riding around the forest on a pa'li because it helps him clear his mind.

He hasn't slept since Spider was taken. He's worried for his boy and severely regretting not letting him know what he meant to him before this shit show got so out of hand. In typical Tsu'tey fashion, he's been spending his time gathering Spider's belongings for when he returns.

Norm had already handed over most of the boy’s prized possessions when Tsu’tey asked for them from his bedroom in the compound. He’d packed everything away neatly in preparation to wherever Jake was planning to flee, so his son would have what he needed the minute he was retrieved. Spare exo pack, rechargeable batteries, etc. 

He's in his head so deep, that he takes a double take when he spots Spider through the trees. His pa'li makes an abrupt stop, the large animal mirroring Tsu'tey's shock as he stares wide eyed at the image of his boy stood on a log, above a group of recoms. Even from a distance he can see the bruises. He can see the tense set of his shoulders, his swift glances to the forest, despite pretending to be at ease.

Tsu'tey's shock melts into a scowl as his bow groans under the tightening on his hands. He steels himself with a long, deep inhale, mentally calculating the space within the small clearing. The sight of the guns on the recoms have his heart pounding, and his scars tingling with phantom pain. He knows deep down that his bow will be useless in a one on six fight. His only advantage is surprise, and he only gets one chance.

Tsu'tey's mind is made up before he takes his next breath. He knows he needs to try. Even if it ends with a bullet between his shoulders and his pa'li throwing him off from the pain, he needs to die trying. Whether it kills him or not, he needs to return Spider to the clan, where he will be safe. Where Jake and Neytiri can take him to a fresh start, a safer alternative to the clan at war.

The recoms are distracted. Only one wearing sunglasses is actually taking stock of his surroundings. Spider is talking, commanding most of the group's attention.

Sucking in a deep breath, Tsu'tey lets out a sharp call that could easily be mistaken for some distant herd animal. None of the recoms react but he sees Spider visibly stiffens. Tsu’tey grins despite himself and readies his mount. 

He notches an arrow into his bow and urges his pa'li forward. He erupts from the undergrowth with a war cry, and skewers the closest unsuspecting recom. It scatters the group like startled yerik, who immediately scramble for their guns.

"TSU'TEY!" Spider yells, sounding shocked and elated to see him. The hunter spares only a moment killing a second recom before he's charging for that log. His pa'li races past faster than the enemy can load their weapons, and it gives Tsu'tey large enough of an opening to lean down and grab Spider's by his extended hands. The child immediately latches onto him, grabbing whatever he can as Tsu'tey swings him up into the saddle in front of him and together they disappear off into the undergrowth.

Shots were fired at their back but no one got hit, much to Tsu'tey's relief. But the adrenaline rush isn't over because Spider turns around and yells in a rush about a tracker in his mask.

Not to worry though, because Tsu'tey is very up to date on all the old compound location. Even as his triumph sours, he takes confidence in the distant yells of the recoms and the light pressure of Spider at his front. He snarls softly to himself as he makes his pa'li change course.

Yes they get the masks switched out without issue and toss the bugged one into a fast moving river to send Quaritch on a wild goose chase and buy the Sully's more time to run.

Side note: In this possibility, Tsu'tey was definitely convinced Spider wasn't safe enough with him and he had to go with the Sully's to the Metkayina clan. And Tsu'tey was NOT planning to go with him. HAVE ANGST!!

If they reunited on the Sea Dragon:

In this scenario, Tsu'tey ends up visiting the Sullys when the Sea Dragon turns up. He just wanted to check up on his friends and see if they've heard anything about Spider, and the next thing he knows, he's got nieces and nephews to save, and a score to settle.

Tsu'tey is definitely going straight for the ship.

It's during the stand-off where the Colonel has his gun to Lo'ak's temple and Jake isn't telling anyone over the comms what is happening - preparing to hand himself over like the idiot he is. Tsu'tey was circling above the clouds on his ikran with Neytiri, carefully listening to his ear piece as he tries to decipher what is going on. The minute he catches sight of Spider being escorted back into the ship, all rational thought leaves this man's head. Of course he has enough sense to remain undetected - he's not stupid - but he's also not on board with Jake's self-sacrificing bullshit. In Tsu'tey's books, failure is not an option this time around. He is getting Spider back if it kills him.

Tsu'tey and Payakan being on the same wavelength.

The tulkun YEETING himself onto the ship's deck and giving Tsu'tey big enough of an opening to land his ikran and send the beast back up into the sky undetected. He makes brief eye contact with Neteyam who's circling the shallows around the belly of the ship, getting ready to leap up and help out his siblings.

The oldest Sully boy points to the kids tied to the railing, Tsu'tey nods. He motions behind him, where the RDA sailors took Spider and Neteyam nods his understanding.

On the horizon, the Metkayina clan are inbound. Tearing through the waves and heading straight for the ship.

Tsu'tey decides that they've got this covered and finds the nearest doorway that will lead him into the belly of the metal ship. He's too tall for the corridors and either has to knuckle crawl or walk at a constant stoop. His bow is a pain to hold loaded in the tight space, so he opts solely for his knife.

He navigates the ship blindly. His ears pricked for Spider's voice, but otherwise killing anyone he comes across and moving swiftly. He knows the destruction caused by Payakan would've damaged something valuable and he needs to move fast.

I love the idea of Tsu'tey stumbling across the control room in time to find Spider steering the ship towards the rocks and then brutally killing the controls with a fire extinguisher. (Boy was eyeing that lever heavily whenever he was in the same room as it). Just Tsu'tey letting out a half formed growl as the crewmates try to tear Spider away and fix the lever, but his oncoming attack getting put on hold as the enormous ship speeds for the rocks and promptly takes off.

The minute that bitch lands back in the water, you can bet Tsu'tey is the first on his feet. He erupts into the room with a sound so unnerving that the crew forget that they are armed. It's an unfair fight. And despite the tight quarters and being outnumbered, Tsu'tey wipes the floor with everyone.

They find Spider an exopack and get the fuck off the sinking ship to meet back up with the Sullys out on the rock.

Just the crew out cold or dead at his feet, and Tsu'tey closing the distance between himself and Spider. He drops into a crouch, all hard scowl and sharp eyes, and gently tucks Spider's dread behind his ear. "Are you unharmed?"

Spider nods, dumbfounded and thrown off by the raw concern in Tsu'tey's voice. Tsu'tey grumbles. He can see spots of blood all over Spider, small grazes and nicks that shouldn't be there. His stripes are faded and his hair needs a retwist. But he's alive, and Tsu'tey isn't going to let anything else happen to him.

Bonus:

The standoff:

I feel like throwing Tsu'tey into the mix would throw so many scenes off course with his sheer presence that the stand off between Neytiri and Quaritch where they're holding the kids hostage wouldn't happen. There would be too many variables changing for it to occur the same way, but lets pretend it does.

(Neteyam is alive btw, just resting on his rock with Tsireya kindly mixing him up a poultice she learned from her Tsahik training. Lyle didn't kill him, but Neteyam definitely had to protect Lo'ak's dumbass in some way. That child is accident prone.)

Anyway, we've got Quaritch holding Kiri hostage. Jake is trying to keep Tuk out of harm's way. No one knows where the fuck Lo'ak is, but he's slippery enough to get himself out of anything. And then we've got Neytiri making a last ditch effort to protect her daughter by threatening to take away the last thing Quaritch loves; Spider.

In the background, we've got Tsu'tey. Breathing hard, slightly wounded from throwing himself around on a ship with broken equipment and guns getting fired at him from all directions.

Raised voices draw his attention. He's standing on the walkway overlooking the deck where the standoff is occurring. He spots Spider first, under Neytiri's blade, begging for Kiri's life instead of his own. Anger like he's never felt before curls hard in his stomach. The betrayal is worse than when Jake and Neytiri first mated. It was one thing to let his son get captured, it was another to murder him right in front of Tsu'tey.

Kiri's voice stops Tsu'tey from doing anything stupid in his blind rage. Every molecule of his body screams to defend his child, but common sense makes him take in the situation.

His head snaps to Quaritch holding Kiri hostage. To Jake within arms reach, but preoccupied with Tuk. To the knife drawing blood at Kiri's neck.

Tsu'tey also takes note of the clear shot he has from his vantage point. There is no conflict within him as he notches his bow. No concern for Spider's reaction, or the conflicted feelings he might have towards his birth father. Tsu'tey's mind is clear. His hands are steady. And his mind is made up.

He takes the shot, and nail's the recom through his right eye. The arrow - fired with all the strength he could muster - goes straight through bone and wedges in up to two thirds of its shaft.

Quaritch sways for a heartbeat, his knife clattering to the metal deck as Kiri tears away from him and throws herself at Jake. Then he collapses with a painful thump. Limps sprawling and his head lolling.

Slowly, Tsu'tey lowers his bow, his gaze narrowed and his tail whipping behind him. He catches Neytiri's eyes as the huntress and her family follow the direction the arrow had come from.

"Unhand. My. Son." Tsu'tey snarls, his voice ringing out over the soft crash of the waves and the pop of fire. His gaze is venomous, fingers twitching for another arrow if Neytiri doesn't back down. There's still a crazed edge to her gaze, a look Tsu'tey is sure he shares. He hasn't felt this shaken since Spider was taken.

Neytiri nods once. An acknowledgment. And lets Spider go.

His son stumbles away, furiously scrambling to put distance between himself and Neytiri. Kiri was quick to soothe him, check him for injuries as Jake carefully approached Neytiri to take the knife off of her.

Tsu'tey leaps down from the upper level. He can't be bothered to find the stairs and the height is nothing compared to what he has to deal with back in the forest. He keeps an eye on Neytiri, but knows that Jake has her now. Ears pricked in case of further enemies, Tsu'tey spares a few moments to kick Quaritch's corpse and make sure he fired a killing shot. The last thing he needed was to grow comfortable again and then in fifteen years have to deal with this bullshit all over again.

"Dad?" The quiet utterance has panic straightening his spine. It's not one of his nieces asking for Jake's attention. It's Spider's voice. Quiet and shaky and so vulnerable that Tsu'tey just wants to wrap himself up in his arms.

Instead, all he can think about is Quaritch's body at his feet. Tsu'tey's arrow protruding from his eye socket. His blood pooling at his feet.

Then it hits him all at once. Spider's birth dad is dead at his feet, and Tsu'tey put him there. Tsu'tey killed him. He didn't even ask. Spider spent months with this man - against his will - but not everything is black and white. They might have come to some understanding. He might of grown to know him outside of his video logs and the fleeting stories he overheard from the Omaticaya. Spider may have gotten to know Quaritch without the biased lense of hate everyone else talks about him with. And Tsu'tey murdered him. What's worse, he felt triumphant doing it.

Tsu'tey can feel his hands shaking, regardless of how tightly he grasped his bow. His ears were flat against his skull, his tail tucked in close to his legs. He prays he just looks like he's reflecting, in contrast to being crushed by the weight of his actions. And he keeps staring at Quaritch's corpse. The arrow. The blood.

"Dad?" Spider says again. A little louder. More confident. And it kills Tsu'tey as he cringes, eyes squeezing shut against the guilt.

A brush of a hand to his wrist. His eyes snap open, and there's Spider. Gazing up at him with wide, tearful eyes. His mask is slightly cracked and he's bleeding from his chest where Neytiri caught him with her blade. But there is no hatred in his expression. Only relief and exhaustion.

"Dad, are you okay?" Spider asks him, and he looks at Tsu'tey as he says it.

The realisation hits him like a sturmbeest stampede. That Spider was calling him Dad, not the corpse at his feet.

With a deep, shuddering breath, Tsu'tey pulls himself together. "I am." He reassures his son as he drops into a crouch. It is evident from Spider's expression that he doesn't believe him, but the boy doesn't push.

Instead, he throws his arms around Tsu'tey's neck and burries his face under his chin. Tsu'tey chuckles wetly, his arms wrapping around Spider and dragging him close. It soothes every raw instinct in him to finally have his boy back in his arms. Tired and injured, but safe.

Around him, he can hear the Sully family beginning to wade into the surf, so Tsu'tey tucks his arms under Spider's thighs and hoists him up onto his hip, like he used to when his son was still a toddler. Despite his age now, he's still the perfect size for Tsu'tey to carry unhindered out of the shipwreck.

BONUS:

[l-in-the-light]

Hey 😊 I read your answer about Law wanting to help people because of his trauma. I know about his fear of touch but wouldn't it help him to overcome this when he realizes that his touch can bring other people immense pleasure (when he's giving oral or bringing his partner to orgasm while sex)? 🤔 Besides sex is very good for the health 😎.

Okay, I admit I didn't really know what to do with your ask at first. Are you serious when you're suggesting he can just overcome his PTSD because he wants to make someone happy or because sex should help him feel better and recover faster? Because if you do, we need to talk. Like, seriously talk about this.

First of all, yeah, sex can be good for you. Physical affection in many ways is neccessary for good well-being (that's why touch starvation and stuff like that became a popular discussed topic after pandemic's outbreak). But you know what else is healthy besides sex and physical affection? Good food. Taking a walk. Enjoying the sea breeze. And do you know what those things have all in common? They can't heal or cure anyone out of literally anything. The only thing they can do is to boost your mood and give you physical exercise, which is good for the body, but it's not a therapy and it's not a medicine. In other words, it will not cure you from PTSD, depression, anxiety or anything else besides a foul mood, perhaps. PTSD is not a matter of having a foul mood. Even if your mood is great, you will still have PTSD and you can still experience triggers no matter how happy you might have felt a moment ago. And also sometimes not every food you eat is gonna be good for you. Bread is tasty, right? But it's bad for celiacs. Sex is good, right? Unless it triggers you or you're sex-repulsed. Not everything is good for everyone, period. And you can live without bread and you can live without sex.

Secondly, Law has two triggers we know of: feeling helpless (for example: when he's pinned down or when people are dying and he can't do anything about it) and touch. He overcomes first one by saving lives, not by "helping people" in general. If you're referencing some post I wrote, I'm pretty certain by him swearing to help people I meant "saving their lives", not doing sexual favours for them ;) also saving lives has nothing to do with Law's fear of touch.

Third of all, please don't say stuff like this about PTSD. It's spreading misinformation. You can't recover from it just by wishing for it or pushing forcefully through. If you put Law in the scenario you just described, he would be terrified and then try to force the closeness (because if he truly wants someone to be happy he needs to ignore his own discomfort, right?) and in the end he will just escape, feeling pathetic and blaming himself. He would end up thinking that his love for people isn't strong enough to overcome his own trauma (and the sad part is: it will never be, that's why it's a trauma after all). In other words, putting a person with PTSD in this scenario you described, would do them more harm than good.

And yeah, Law is just a fictional character, you can imagine him in any scenario you want and write fics in which he never develops PTSD and is touchy-feely, and that's fine. But PTSD happens to be a very real condition, so please never say things like that to real people. It's giving a very harmful message - they can end up believing they are broken, because they can't spontanously or by sheer will overcome their own triggers to make someone else happy. Always be respectful towards people suffering from past traumas. No matter how well you mean it, don't tell them to just "get over it", saying it will be helpful for them if they just change their way of thinking about it and do it for someone else's sake. The best result you will achieve is them selfblaming themselves when they inevitably fail.

What you can do for them instead, to show your support, is to assure them they're fine no matter what, that they're good people even if there are things they can't handle, that every step in their healing process is important even if "the final goal" (never getting triggered again) will never get achieved. And always, always remember about their triggers and by all means avoid forcing a person with PTSD to face them head on. What you can do for someone who suffers from a trigger, is to make sure not to make it worse. Is the trigger a loud noise? Take them immediately to a quiet place instead. Is the trigger a touch? Definitely don't try to hug them to make it better, give them some space instead. After they manage to calm down, you can give them something they like that they find soothing and comforting (listen to a favourite song, offer a drink they like etc.) and ask if both of you should just go back home or do something else. This is something you can do for someone suffering from a PTSD. But it's only one possible, hypothetical example, there are other ways to show support and not leave the suffering person on their own.

There is a study proving that adults who were traumatized as children may be more likely to keep a greater physical distance between themselves and strangers, and may also find touch stimuli less comforting than people without a history of trauma. Apparently trauma alters the brain so it's possible the body also gives a traumatized person less gratification from physical affection. If you want to read more about how trauma alters the brain, I reccommend checking out this article: Traumatized Adults Might Find Touch Less Appealing. I didn't know about that before, but it makes sense, because trauma is just a natural response on it's most extreme. That's why I think Law's touch starvation is probably not such a big deal that people want it to be, in comparison to his PTSD. His brain would adapt, and he has Bepo for comfort, which is a safe, not triggering closeness and touch for him. Traumatized people might have bigger issues on their plate than your typical post-pandemic touch starvation, just saying.

Now let's talk more about triggers, because I feel like this needs to be elaborated on. A trigger is involuntary reaction (can be body reaction, can be emotional) you definitely can't control, that is caused by some outside source of stimuli. Those reactions alert us to perceived threats in our environment. Triggers can be anything that reminds someone of the traumatic event, it can be more obvious like revisiting the location where the trauma occurred, being alone, seeing the same breed of dog that bit you, or hearing loud voices, small touch, a grab, even a certain smell. For example, if the trauma is related to being stuck in a locked place, it doesn't matter what place it is or that it's different from the very first place you got accidentally locked in. Any place in which you're locked up will trigger you, like bathroom stalls in which the latch doesn't budge, broken elevators stuck between floors etc. Triggers are also often associated with (but not limited to) the time of day, season, holiday, or anniversary of the event.

When touch has been associated with fear, pain, or violation in the past, it can naturally become a trigger. Childhood trauma, especially sexual, physical or emotional abuse, can imprint deep-seated associations between touch and danger. The fear of being touched is so strong that it is often paralyzing. It can cause physical symptoms like hives, hyperventilation or even fainting. The fear of being touched becomes a phobia when symptoms develop nearly every time you are touched. It becomes a disorder when it lasts six months or longer.

To reduce the emotions caused by a trigger people can become avoidant (of anything even remotely reminding them of the trauma, for example: any touch in general), self-medication (like alcohol abuse, to numb yourself and not feel anything anymore), compulsive eating, self-injury. Sometimes people can even become aggressive or repeat the events of the trauma (for example, hypersexuality as the result of sexual assault, or becoming the violent oppressor themselves; they just repeat the traumatic event over and over again, it's not a healthy way of dealing with trauma).

Most important in recovery is learning to manage triggers, memories, and emotions without avoidance (avoidance is the initial response in PTSD). You can think of it as becoming desensitized to traumatic memories. There isn't really a “cure” for triggers. All we can do is identify when we're upset, try to understand why, and manage our emotional reactions. With practice and proper treatment, the reaction to your emotional triggers could dimnish and become manageable, but the triggers themselves might never go away. Thankfully, even the most intense trauma triggers can be managed.

At first a traumatic response can be hyperventilation to the point you almost suffocate, shivering that don't want to stop for hours and very high level emotional distress that makes you detached from the present and trapped in the past in your head. After therapy and learning how to manage your responses, you can instead apply breathing techniques to reduce hyperventilation, know what to do so that shivering doesn't go for hours but instead fades in the span of half an hour, and you ground yourself in the present (there are many methods for it, for example doing a soothing motion). So, after "getting healed" it doesn't mean the triggers magically don't happen anymore, you just manage them more effectively. And perhaps some of them can be reduced so much that instead of triggering one of the physical symptoms it only makes you very distressed. Who knows, it's a very individual thing, after all.

How to know if someone is suffering from PTSD? The DSM-5 (the official criteria for PTSD classification) identifies four symptom clusters for PTSD: presence of intrusion symptoms (like frequent, vivid flashbacks: sudden intrusive thoughts about the past events), persistent avoidance of stimuli (like avoiding closeness and touch), negative alterations in cognitions and mood (low self-esteem, self-blame etc.), and marked alterations in arousal and reactivity (like lashing out). Which is exactly what I wrote about in detail when answering to this ask.

Let's take a look at Law's trauma symptoms again: we see Law having tremors and quickened breath (sometimes to the point of wheezing), and freezing up when he's triggered (at least in the manga). Whenever someone is trying to touch him or comes really close, his response is to move away. He's also emotionally distant and avoidant. What are his triggers? We saw Doflamingo grabbing his wrist forcefully which caused a freezing reaction (Law couldn't even move to free himself). We saw him also freeze up when Mingo set up his birdcage. When Law was trapped with Luffy and Mingo's clone in the well, he was wheezing and shivering. There are few situations in which Luffy touches Law or Law touches Luffy, but even if those situations don't seem to overwhelm him, he still struggles in each and every single one of them. Which means they're kinda managable for Law, as long as he puts some time and effort into it (that's a sign that he is working through his trauma and knows quite a lot about managing his triggers already).

But how would he react if Luffy forcefully grabbed Law's wrist, for example, which is his confirmed trigger? Probably not too well. I can't imagine sex being comfortable in such conditions. Can you? Sex would feel very unnatural if Law had to brace himself to that extent every time he tries to touch someone and there's no guarantee that none of the touch he receives doesn't trigger him. And no, cuddling him won't help him get over it. If touch is triggering to you, more touch is not gonna solve the problem. Also hugging or other forms of physical affection aren't a magical solution to every emotional problem in the world.

There's also something called resilient responses to trauma, which are basically healthy ways of coping that some people naturally adapt. And I think Law slightly shows signs of it too. It can be things like:

increased time and bonding with family and friends (Law's commitment to his Hearts Pirates and also bonding with Penguin, Shachi and Bepo right after losing Cora-san; he spends time with them almost exclusively)

strong or increased sense of purpose and meaning (Law is always very goal-oriented)

commitment to a personal mission, revised priorities (Law trying to save people's lives no matter what)

charity work and volunteering to help other people (Law taking care of the Strawhats lol)

If anyone wants to know even more about PTSD, I reccommend this link, it really gives a good and detailed guide to all the basics and even includes notes about treatment.

Now I feel inclined to say this to everyone: sex is fine and can be good, but not having sex is also fine! Sex isn't the best thing in the world and no one is missing out if they're not having any, there are so many other nice things. And just because someone is attractive or handsome doesn't mean they absolutely have to have sex, like to prove that they're not wasting their body (whatever that would even mean) and not sharing with the world. It's your body and your choice, no one has any obligation to give sex to others, never ever, for any possible reason you can name. You don't have to have sex just to prove something to others, no matter what it would be (to be cool, to be accepted, to prove others you're a good person and a good lover or not a loser etc.). You're a worthy human being even if you don't have sex, no matter what's the reason for not having it. You're a good person even if you don't want to give someone else a sexual service, give them a blowjob or bring them to orgasm, or even touch them at all. You can show your love in different ways than by having sex. Not having sex with someone also doesn't mean you don't love them. Sex is just one part of life and it's optional. People can have good lives, have fun and be healthy without it. You can even have PTSD but choose not to have sex just because you don't like it.

Now, do I think Law will never have sex? I don't know, that depends on his healing process. For now, I'm not seeing it and he's also perfectly fine even if he will never have sex in his entire life. If one day he manages his triggers so well that he can even have sex, great for him! I still think he will be taking a risk at being triggered every single time he makes his decision to pursue partnered sexual adventures. Simply because touch can't be completely avoided when having sex. It can be worked around in quite a number of ways, but sex basically is about touching various body parts together, prove me wrong if that's not the case* ;) also we don't have to fear or try to erase the PTSD from the characters who can't deal well with touch as the result. That's kinda not exactly considerate or nice to them, won't you agree?

*disclaimer: yeah, I am aware there are other sexual actitivities that don't involve touch. Two people can just voyeuristically look at each other when they masturbate, for example :P why is this word so ugly btw. The stigma around sex-related words needs to finally die and we need more judgement-free words for sexual activities.

I hope this post helped you understand PTSD and triggers a bit better, anon!

[theyanderespecialist]

Fearful Bunny (SCENARIO) Yandere William Afton X Survivor Reader (Five Nights At Freddy's)

[Hello, My Sexy Muffins! I am here with a new chapter! This chapter is a request from Tumblr. With a reader having Leporiphobia which is the phobia of rabbits. So I got the idea that Reader was supposed to be the 6th missing child. But instead, she got away. She had severe PTSD and repressed most of her memories. But it came with a deep-seated phobia of rabbits. Cause William Afton had worn his Spring Bonnie suit. 

(Disclaimer 1: READER IS AN ADULT IN THIS AT THE AGE OF 19

Disclaimer 2: William Afton is YANDERE ONLY WHEN HE MEETS YOU AGAIN WHEN YOU APPLY FOR A JOB!

Disclaimer 3: William Afton is not a good person, but he is NOT Yandere in canon. This is just for fun and not to be taken seriously at all. Simping for Fictional characters, fictional serial killers, and fictional yanderes is fine. Just do not simp for REAL LIFE ONES, and do NOT be gross or illegal! Yanderes and people like William Afton ARE NOT Okay to have in real life! Also, remember to separate fiction from reality and headcanon from canon!) 

(No One's POV) 

(Name) had a deep phobia of rabbits. A terrible Phobia of them. All she could remember was that horrid rabbit face as she screamed. Since then she had the biggest fear of them. She has been down on her luck. She needs a job. So she is looking at the want ads. When she comes across an ad for a security guard job. The pay was shit, and the hours were almost as bad. 

She is desperate so she calls the phone number. 

"Hello, William Afton." The voice says. 

"Hi, I am calling about the security guard job." She tells him. 

"Very good, come by the Pizzeria." He says and hangs up. 

This is either a way to get her out there so he can kill her. Or he needs a security guard, bad. (Name) decided to take the risk, grabbing her mace just in case. She then drove to the pizzeria. It for sure had seen better days. Real better days. She shakes her head and gets out of her car. She sees a man waiting for her. He is lanky and has his hair done nicely. 

"Mr. Afton?" (Name) asks him. 

"Ah, you must be the girl who called me, please come to my office." He says after staring at (Nanme) for a minute. 

The two of them walk in and (Name) is having a case of Deja Vu but she shakes it off. They make it to his office and he has her sit down. 

"So, I am in a tight pinch, I need a security guard. So I will most likely hire you, just need to do the paperwork, so I can pay you at the end of the week." He tells her. 

She nods her head. 

"Name?" He asks. 

"(Name) (Last Name)." She tells him and he almost drops her pin. He looks up and stares at her. 

That was a name from his past. The one kid he could not kill. She is all grown up and she is so stunning, it was a real good thing he did not kill her. Because he now wants her and he is not going to lose her. 

"Coffee?" He asks and goes to make her some. 

"Sure." She says and he slips something into her drink. Giving it to her. She drinks it out of nerves and they continue. 

"I will be right back," He tells her. "Do not run little bunny~" 

She tensed at that and he went getting into his Spring Bonnie suit. Then he cut the power. Well, most of it. He then went in. She was in the hall and when she saw him, she froze and looked like she was about to have a panic attack. Her body just froze up. So it was true, she did have a fear of rabbits. I chuckle and walk to her. She is still frozen. 

"Run little bunny, or the big bad rabbit will get you~," I tell her and she turns on her heel and runs. 

He was hot on her heels and he laughed at the chase. I did not take that long to catch her. The drug in her system kicking in. She went limp in his arms, either from the drug or fear it did not matter. She was his now. His fearful little bunny. 

[YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS another chapter done, I hope you all enjoyed this, and stay sexy, all of my sexy muffins!] 

[tornoleander]

Wow, you're the beta reader for bbnb? I didn't know that. (So you can confirm that Hat is infact not dead because I haven't seen any activity from them in a while and my brain always jumps to worst case scenarios)

Anyway, definitely didn't forget to respond for like a week, but here are some of my theories/scenarios:

-I still think Cole's the one who'll remember bits and pieces because A. He's a ghost B. Hat used he/him when talking about who will remember and C. It would be incredibly emotionaly impactful

-HOWEVER, I think Pixal could also remember some stuff. None of the emotional stuff but she did technically die when Nadakhan erased her. Besides, it could be fun to see her try to let Jay or Nya know she remembers while still stuck to Zane.

-also Zane's falcon died but he was never mentioned in this fic so 😔

-Jay DEFINITELY has c-ptsd. Like, 100%, I'm sure the nurse/psychologist whose name I forgor would agree with me

-I'm pretty sure Wu just died by some falling island or something like that. Or he could've died by the storm, that would be cool.

-I know he said that swearing is a sign of weak verbal skills but I feel like Jay would start swearing more for comfort. Like, Nadakhan hated it but never truly did anything horrible to him because of it :)

most of the scenarios in my head play out with the ninja being captured again

-for example, Jay using his internal electricity to shock someone when they all have vengestone

-or them getting tazed and Jay sending the current back like he did in the electric chair

-or they're all traped and saying shit like "there's no other option" or something and Jay replying with "suicide's still an option" like that's a normal thing to say which obviously worries the others

And then there's the non captured scenarios

-something something Jay falling into autopilot after being told/asked to clean to ship and ends up also cleaning the hull "Why are you cleaning the bottom? We're in the air and you're not even tied to anything???" ".... trauma response?"

-or just straight up Jay having a panic attack out of seemingly sowhere (Cole said he wished he could eat cake again)

Anyway, those are the things I could think of right now, there's more but it's 3:39am and I'm tired :3

Hope it's not too long lol

Yep! As of ch 15. Me and hat have been chatting for a while and I bug them for feedback on Art accuracy so I help them with some writing corrections too!

I have been working on beta reading earlier chapters as well currently half way through 4. It is certainly an experience but now I yell my feelings into comment instead of just the void

*reaches through horrific horror to correct spelling mistake.

Yup Hat is alive! They were just fixated on something else for a while but they are back.

Ok now for scenarios

-Cole remembering bits……. I will refrain from giving my thoughts.

-Pixal and Zane’s falcon died pretty early so I do think they may remember up till then but It probably wouldn’t help understand much.

-I don’t think Wu died? But it’s not impossible.

-CPTSD?

I will ask hat about this one but seeing as bbnb events qualify as at least 4/6 of these causes of it AND ptsd is a tag I’m going to give it a yeah. Cause non complex ptsd is typically less prolonged.

-the swearing I do think he might do more but not necessarily for comfort

-For your head scenarios I am not sure all the ways hat is planned show how the events of the fic messed him up. But I know they’re a big fan of consequences for events…

From what I’m guessing he is going to be trying his best to hide everything and it’ll be somewhat canon compliant? But to be fair He is pretty consistently the most mentally unstable ninja. Take This with a big grain of salt I’m saving the analysis for my skybound video, but his behavior does generally line up well with SA surivers. the first time that Jays a prisoner post Skybound is when he says “You don’t argue with a man who’s navel is that close”

Which

Drives me insane by the way

Side tangent, I’ve been doing a lot of Skybound digging for my eventual video essay. And my current best theory on why this is a line has to do with SA of men being played for laughs.

Like older audiences are supposed to hear that and find it fucking funny. It’s unfortunately not uncommon in kids programming. My quest to best explain why S6 is so uncomfortable has been… enlightening. Terrified of approaching a controversial topic so I have been learning a-lot about approach and how to not be awful. But my fixation is being channeled led into the eventual Skybound video.

Hope I answered what you wanted to know and It wasn’t purely my Adhd rambling

[icycoldninja]

hi! i hope ur taking care of yourself. may i plz get a fem!reader/5dante piece where the reader is 22 and dating him, plus sized but slightly bigger than chubby, and deals with pcos along with c-ptsd from emotional abuse and controlling parents.

specifically in a scenario where she’s getting ready for a date but notices her jeans flaunt and enhance her tummy and she starts to get panicked by the past and how her father would tell her to change or get new clothes when she would wear something that even just fit snug on her. dante sees her crying and panicking and tries to comfort her and show how worthy and lovable her and her tummy is.

its ok if its too much to write about please don’t stress on it! im happy either way with previous writing you’ve posted!-🌷

Oh thank you so much! Here you go and enjoy 💜

You're amazing (DMC5!Dante x Fem!Chubby!Reader)

You stood in front of your mirror, preparing for a date night with Dante. You had most of your outfit on already, from your cute top to your hairdo; all that was left was your jeans, which lay on the bed nearby. You reached over, grabbed said jeans, and began tugging them on when you noticed how snugly they seemed to fit around your waist. It wasn't that the jeans were tight, they just seemed to emphasize your waist a bit more than you would have liked. You felt your heart drop into your stomach as you realized this, a sudden, unwanted memory crashing into your mind, filling your ears with loud shouting you wished you could block out.

"Go and change out of those clothes, you fat pig!" You heard your father shout. Even though he was not in the room without, he sounded as though he were.

"You're disgusting!" Your mother yelled. "Go put on some looser pants, or don't go out at all. I don't want to be seen with such an ugly, fat young woman!"

"Worthless!" Your father roared. "You're never going to be worth anything, you won't even be able to give us grandchildren."

You clamped your hands over your ears, trying so very hard to mute the shouts, taunts, and derogatory words, not realizing you were crying until your vision clouded over. Attempting to see through the liquid fog obscuring your vision, you became vaguely aware of a red-clothed figure rushing into your room, and felt the soothing warmth of two strong arms wrapping around you and pulling you close.

"Hey, baby, baby, don't cry," He whispered, running a hand through your hair soothingly. "It's all in your head baby, none of it's real. Not anymore. You're safe. I'm here."

At the sound of Dante's voice, you relaxed considerably, your arms subconsciously coming up and wrapping around his waist as you clung to him, sobbing uncontrollably.

"I hate this," You wailed, into his shoulder. "I hate being fat, worthless and ugly. I hate it all!"

"Hey now, don't be like that," Dante said, shushing you with a kiss. "You're not worthless or ugly, you're perfect the way you are. Don't be upset over what they said to you. You're amazing and awesome, and I love ya, so damn much, I really do."

Sniffling, you looked up at your boyfriend and saw his warm, genuine smile, and couldn't help but grin as well.

"Thanks, Dante," You said, still hanging onto him like a tired koala to a tree. "I...I needed that."

"You're welcome," Dante chuckled, pressing a kiss to your head. "Now, come on, let's get on with our date."

Dante yanked you to your feet, grabbed onto your hand, and led you out of your bedroom, and as you passed by the mirror and caught sight of your emphasized waist once again, instead of panicking, feeling scared, or upset, you were able to look at your figure and smile. Dante loved you for who you were, and that was all the affirmation you'd ever need.

[whumble-beeee]

Let’s Have A Chat (You’re All Talk)

The (Un)Official Guide to Hero-Keeping | Cont'd from Part 4

Content: brief minor whump in flashbacks, disabled whumpee, trans whumpee, flashbacks (ptsd), gun mention, past captivity references, tied up, torture "threats", begging, tazer,

* * * * * * * *

Except from: The (Un)Official Guide to Hero-Keeping; a self-help guide for villains and bounty-hunters

[In terms of punishing and torturing your hero, 'fear of the unknown' is one of the most powerful tools available in your psychological torture toolkit; The anticipation of what might happen to them is often more torturous than whatever real tortures you have cooked up for them, and is a wonderful addition to any torture scenario!

It’s a very delicate skill, learning how to use a hero’s own fears against them (excluding villains with fear-based powers), but it is absolutely essential in almost all aspects of hero-keeping; whether you want to torture them for information, beat them into submission and servitude, force them to follow your rules or desires, or just have some good old fashioned fun messing with them!]

* * * * * * * *

“No,” Stan grunted. Enough was enough.

“No?” the mercenary’s voice broke into a small, disbelieving laugh, which just served to make Stan double down harder on what he hoped was the right choice.

“No. We’re not ‘chatting’. Not–” the world tilted on its axis, darkness creeping in his periphery again. Stan leaned his head back against the wall and squeezed his eyes shut. “N-not you and me, not now, not–... ever.”

Deeby just hummed another laugh at the display. “You should probably eat that protein bar, bud. Should help a bit with your head. And your mood, you're being such a little asshole right now.”

Stan rolled his eyes, but brought the protein bar up to his face to properly inspect. Though it was more of an accusation as he looked straight past it and narrowed his eyes at the bounty hunter instead.

The mercenary rolled his eyes in kind. “It’s not poisoned. Look, eat the protein bar and I’ll cut the ropes binding your legs, yeah? That good enough for his lordship?”

More than good enough for his lordship. A welcome trade, in fact. Especially since Stan was planning on eating the protein bar anyway. And especially because Deeby could probably just shove it down Stan’s throat if he wanted.

Stan nodded with a small ‘mhm’ before the bounty hunter could take it back. It took him a moment to maneuver the bar so he could open it with the metal of the handcuffs biting into his wrists every single time he pulled them too far apart, but he eventually found himself holding a successfully unwrapped protein bar with only slightly aching wrists.

“I'm eating this because I think I should,” Stan clarified as he brought the bar up to his mouth. It was cookie dough-flavored. Deeby had good taste in protein bars at least. “Not because you told me to, okay?”

“Uh huh, noted. Feeling less like a little shit now?”

Stan took a moment to make a full show of reluctantly nodding, irritated head tilt and all, before cramming the rest of the bar into his mouth. Before long, the ropes binding his feet were no more (after much restraint not to kick Deeby in the face when he got close with the knife again), and the protein bar was gone all too soon.

“Great!” The mercenary clapped his hands together. “Now we can talk! Ya like jazz?”

Stan grit his teeth. This Deeby guy just doesn't quit, does he? He wasn’t going to budge on this, even if he was slightly more fed and less dizzy now. He couldn’t just forget the total beatdown from earlier, the torturous soreness wracking every part of his body made sure of that.

“I'm not. Talking. With you.”

“Something’s gonna happen one way or another, runt. I’m just trying to give you the easy option considering you’re a little fucked in the head right now. Hard way’s not off the table, never will be.”

“We already talked!” Stan tried. “Remember? I asked you your name, you wouldn’t tell me. Then I asked you why you kidnapped me, you wouldn’t tell me! Who you work for, wouldn't tell me! Then you beat the crap out of me, and now I feel like I’m dying and leashed like a damn dog! That’s just gonna happen all over again! Let’s just skip over that so I can go back to dying on the floor, thanks.”

“Oh!” Deeby lit up like a lighthouse on a dark and stormy night, and Stan, for just a brief moment, almost let himself feel the same relief that a sailor might when they saw that spotlight on from the freezing, rain- and wind-swept deck of their lost ship. That he would actually leave Stan be. But then…

“You wanna hear about my gun?”

He pulled the revolver from his hip holster and held it up like a prized trophy. “It’s an original Smith and Wesson 1957 Model 19 revolver, it's pretty famous for being the first handgun to use magnum cartridges and making that a common thing. It was also standard issue for the border patrol in the ‘70s, which is where it came into my family,” he chuckled. Stan could only stare dumbfounded. He was really just going on a rant, huh? 

“One of mis tíos just fuckin’ swiped it from one of the officers and they were pissed, chased after him, nearly caught him too but he managed to wiggle away, slimy little guy. And then my mom was so mad with him, nearly beat him half to death before their mamá even had the chance to. So anyway, I got it when I was just a kid, it was all broken and kinda shitty when I first got it, but it was a family heirloom and I thought it was the coolest thing in the world, so I started to get into it more, started fixing it up a bit, replacing parts until it worked right and fiddling with it until it worked right, then started making upgrades to it, learned how to shoot it–”

”Holy shit!” Stan yelled, lurching to meet the mercenary’s eyes.  “Are you trying to Stockholm Syndrome me or something?! I don’t want to hear about your gun! I don’t want to talk to you, or hear about you! I don’t like you, I hate you, I don't want to have a nice little conversation with my fucking kidnapper! We aren't talking! Ever!”

A moment of silence. Stan realized he had gone too far again as the mercenary's eyes widened in disbelief. 

But he refused to back down this time. 

So he continued to glare into the mercenary’s dark brown eyes.

But then the bounty hunter let out a barking laugh. “Stock–... Sto-ockholm…?” he said, almost to himself, voice airy and high with disbelief. “Na-ah… Nah, no, no...”

His gaze suddenly shot to Stan, face unnervingly blank. Stan tensed up, instinctively pulling his extremities in to protect himself, to make himself smaller. This was… new. 

The mercenary took a few steps toward him. Then a few more. Until he was right in front of Stan, looking down on him like a god would from the heavens above.

“You ever been… tortured?... Stan?”

The soft, weightless lilt of his voice turned Stan’s blood to ice.

"Never stop fighting back."

"Let GO OF ME!" He hit at an uncaring, unyielding fist. "LET GO!!"

"Just tell us about your powers, it doesn't have to get ugly."

Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie.

“N-no-o,” he barely managed to squeak out. His vocal cords may as well have been dunked in ice water. Same as his entire body, with the way he was shaking. Why did he always have to press too far?

“All you gotta do is show us your powers, kid.”

He didn’t move, the light of his powers staying tucked deep in his core. They tazed him again. They'd done it so many times now, it barely even mattered now. He was used to it. He'd never break.

“There's no use fighting, we have ways to force it out of you. We just want to give you a chance to cooperate first.”

Deeby hummed, as if it were quaint to him, the thought that someone could have never possibly been acquainted with the hot, unyielding spindles of torture twisting and morphing them into something unrecognizable, something animalistic, something… altered. Someone to never be the same again.

“I've been tortured.” He chuckled, never breaking Stan’s gaze. “More than once, actually. Hazard of the job.”

He glared into his torturer's bright blue eyes, fires of defiance burning brighter in his own.

“Never.”

 He knew what all their eyes looked like. It was the only thing he could glare at, they always wore medical masks and scrubs and lab coats, so it was the only part of them he could see. So professional to do such visceral, horrendous things.

They tazed him again.

Stan didn’t move. Just stared. Then sputtered slightly. He didn’t know what to say to that. 

The bounty hunter didn’t seem to have such reservations, though. He moved forward wordlessly and crouched down in front of his captive. Stan’s breath hitched. He could hear his heartbeat, feel it pounding in his chest, slow, careful, thunderous. All consuming. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t move. Couldn’t escape. Were the bounty hunter’s eyes always such a dangerously dark scarlet? No escape at all.

Then Deeby grabbed either of Stan’s biceps, wholly wrapping his hands around Stan’s upper arms, and urged him upward to his feet. “Here, Stan, get up, I wanna show you something.”

The sky-blue eyes flashed to a colleague. “This isn't working. Let's just go with Plan A like I wanted to from the beginning.”

The colleague started to voice their protest but was cut quickly off.

“I don't care how old she is, I know! But being gentle doesn't work, it never does, and it never will! It’s time for the big guns.”

A grown-up hand grabbed his upper arm, drugged him up off the floor, and shoved him forward, iron-gripped no matter how much he kicked and screamed and cried out. Inescapable as he hit and tried to tug away. Unyielding.

“Wait–, wait, no, no, no, please! We–!” Stan cried, unsuccessfully trying to stay wrapped in his little ball of safety on the floor as the force pulled him upward, the dull roar of his beatings from earlier turning once more into a raging insistence of constant strain. “We can talk, we can talk! I just– I can’t– can’t– don’t–... please, please!”

Stan hissed as he put weight on his bad leg in his struggles, and had to practically fall into Deeby’s arm to relieve the agony. 

Deeby didn’t pay the struggling human in his clutches any mind and started to step backward, never once taking his eyes off Stan as he dragged him slowly but surely toward the middle of the room, ankle chain jingling as it dragged across the hard cement floor. “Cálmate, chiquito, te estás poniendo tan alterado. Just do as I say and you’ll be fine.”

Tears burned at his eyes as he tried to grasp at Deeby’s arms, the pressure building up in his sinuses making it so he could barely breathe. It was so much harder to struggle to get away when he had to physically lean on his captor. Torturer.

“I don’t–” his voice cracked as it shot up his register, and he grasped in another breath as tears started to fall. “I do-on’t speak S-s-spani-ish… plea-ease–”

They abruptly reached the end of the ankle chain-leash, and Stan pitched forward with a screech, practically into Deeby’s chest before Deeby stiffened his arms and righted him again. Stan tried to make himself so tremendously small, tried to hide even though he was already captured and chained and physically being held by a man who had shown he wasn’t afraid to, and even enjoyed, hurting him.

And now in the center of the torture room, on the very end of his literal chain.

Nowhere to go.

“Of course you don’t, white boy.” Deeby sighed, a hint of that humorous light shining back in his eyes. He gently grabbed his jaw and tipped his gaze upward. Those bits of red in Deeby’s irises seemed to bleed out into the rest of the world, infecting everything with crimson and scarlet and fire and flames.

The world burned around them. Stan tried to pull away, but the bounty hunter’s grasp held firm.

“It means calm down, chiquito,” he said from somewhere miles away. “You’re getting so worked up, making everything worse for yourself. I won’t hurt–”

Stan seized up and grabbed at Deeby’s arms even as they held him in place, clawed at them, pleading, shaking as tears rolled off his chin, down his neck, and soaked into his shirt.

“PLE-E-EASE!” He cried. “I don’t– I don’t want– I can’t be tortured!” He prayed that wouldn’t be taken as a challenge. “Please don’t… torture me. I can’t… Please.” Not again. Not again.

Deeby looked down upon him, carefully peeling Stan’s trembling fingers off his arms. A small, unnerving smile tugged at the sides of his eyes, like a father looking on as his toddler struggled to produce a finger painting that wasn’t just a staining hideous mess for the hundredth time in a row.

“Who said anything about torturing you, bud? Wait here a moment.”

Deeby shoved away from the quivering mess and made his way over to the wall opposite where Stan’s leash-chain was anchored to the floor, and jumped up to grab the end of a previously unseen chain that, when when the bounty hunter grabbed it off the hook and let the length of it fall free, swung down and hung from the ceiling right next to Stan. 

Stan took a single unconscious step backward from the thing in terror, and immediately his buckled buckled in a flurry of strained agony, sending Stan straight down to a kneel. He clutched at the offending knee joint, cursing the mercenary for making him overwork and twist his knee in that failure of an escape attempt and hurting it so much worse in the first place. At least before he could kind of hobble along without a cane or a crutch. It wasn't pretty, or fun, but he could do it. Now he was practically immobile.

And he just had to hope it would heal correctly.

“Didn’t I just tell you not to move?”

Stan whipped around and nearly toppled over again in the process. “I– I jus–!” 

Two hands grabbed under either of his armpits and hoisted him back up to standing before Stan could even stutter out another terrified plea. He was so dizzy that he was almost thankful that the man grabbed him under the arms to keep him from falling again. Even with how the action in itself made him want to scream.

“Deeby, Deeby, we can talk, we can talk, you don’t–! You don’t have to–”

“Did you just call me ‘Deeby’?” He stopped in his maneuvering Stan, a petrified hush falling over the hero as he forced eye contact once again. “Like the name ‘Deeby’, not the letters ‘D’ and B’?”

“Uh--... No, no…” Stan squeaked.

Deeby’s amused smile faltered just slightly. 

“Don’t lie to me runt, that shit’s funny... Deeby, huh?…” he mused, rolling the name around in his mouth. “Not very creative, but you gotta give points for simplicity… Pft, Deeby… ”

Then his attention shot right back to Stan. “Anyway, stop whining and squirming, I’m about 5 seconds away from actually getting pissed. Are you gonna listen to the story, or we gonna do plan B and actually give you something worth screaming about?”

Stan wanted to keep struggling. Yelling, being defiant, begging, pleading, fighting, something. Those thoughts fueled him as he held the bounty hunter’s gaze; he didn’t want to just roll over and let him do as he pleased with him. But the way the hunter held him now, and the way he physically overpowered Stan time and time again just made him feel like a small, hissing cat uselessly fighting against his owner as they held him high into the air as some sort of punishment. And the fear of something worse happening finally managed to overpower the blind panic that fueled his previous fight. The tiredness continually crept through his bones now, the ache of his injuries starting to once again overpower all other senses.

So when the stare of Deeby became unbearable, Stan pursed his lips and squeezed shut, bowing his head in concession with a small, shaky nod.

He just hoped this lost battle wouldn’t become just one in a never-ending sea of them.

The mercenary let out an infuriatingly triumphant huff. “Great. Don't move. I mean it.” 

Then Deeby let Stan go almost too fast, and he had to readjust to fully supporting his entire battered body again.

He had to shift to support his entire weight on his 'good' leg instead of agitating the bad leg further, or god forbid using his cane or a crutch. Or his powers. The good leg would get painfully sore very quick if he had to just keep standing here. Especially since he was already feeling the bruises from earlier starting to bloom.

But this was better than literally all of the alternatives. He just had to let Deeby talk and hopefully, he wouldn’t torture Stan.

Simple.

He was looking forward to it already.

* * * * * * * *

Next

Taglist: @flowersarefreetherapy | @pirefyrelight | @cakeinthevoid

[krak3n23]

Diagnosing Andrew Minyard

An hour long research adventure ft akums razor 

A serious note before we begin. I did this fun, I have no medical background besides also having been on a cocktail of medications for similar symptoms. If a medication is causing you to get worse instead of better: tell your doctor, don't quit cold turkey you might get brain damage, and medications are not a cure all. Thank you and lets begin.

Originally I went into this thinking that Andrew being on an antipsychotic was simply an oversight, or an under researched plot point. However, thinking about the fact that Nora has had this series in her mind for over ten years by the time of publication, I have decided to actually look into the idea. 

I have narrowed down Andrews diagnostic history and medications to two primary options. Either Andrew is on a fictional representation of real life antipsychotic medications or Neil is an unreliable narrator. (or of course… this is an oversight, but I’m not pursuing english to not give authors a benefit of the doubt.) 

There are a few antipsychotics that Andrew’s may be based on, one is ARIPIPRAZOLE. This medication, (like some other generation 2, or atypical antipsychotics), has the adverse side effect of causing an increase in irritation, being overly excited, and having a decrease in risk assessment. Aka, drug induced mania. It can also cause an inability to sleep, a symptom that Andrew experiences. 

The poor research, I think, comes in with another symptom: tardive dyskinesia. This condition is not uncommon in the list of side effects for antipsychotics and is the uncontrolled movement of muscles, like Andrew’s smile, however that is an uncommon form of the symptom. This side effect would also explain why Wymack is okay with Andrew not being on his medications for games. 

Personally I think if Andrew is on an antipsychotic, it would be this one. 

This medication implies Andrew having the diagnosis of Bipolar 1. This is due to Andrew not fitting the criteria of Schizophrenia. These are the two main disorders treated by antipsychotics, which means he likely has one of the two, if he is in fact on antipsychotics. Andrew, to our knowledge doesn’t experience hallucinations off of his medications, therefore he does not have Schizophrenia. 

Now for the second theory, Neil is an unreliable narrator, or the media was just villainizing Andrew further after the incident. There are cases of other medications causing mania, the only set that would make sense for Andrew to be on is antidepressants to treat either OCD, or PTSD. 

Andrew does have PTSD, and it would make sense for him to have become violent when triggered, as he is literally a metaphor for the fight response. Antidepressants are often used to treat the depression and anxiety of PTSD, therefore if this scenario is the correct one, the psychiatrist on Andrew’s case believed the incident to be a fight response due to his PTSD. 

Antidepressants however, rarely cause mania for anyone who doesn’t already have that symptom. This is part of the reason why people with Bipolar disorder often get their diagnosis after going through several combinations of drugs, their brains can have “unpredictable” responses to medications that treat depressive symptoms, and anxiety symptoms, of their disorder. This is why I think Andrew, at the start of the series, has undiagnosed Bipolar disorder. If he had been given a cocktail of medication I would argue he had it diagnosed, however we only hear of one medication. 

Andrew does mention hallucinations due to his medications, not in great detail, but he does seem to believe that during his time on them he had them, and delusions as well. These are both symptoms of severe mania episodes, and are why I think Andrew specifically has Bipolar 1. Drug induced mania is itself a classification under Bipolar, however I think Andrew had that already and the medication simply triggered prolonged manic episodes. Bipolar 2 I would like to rule out because Andrew lacks defining symptoms of Major Depressive disorder, while yes he is depressed, it appears more like Persistent depressive disorder, which according to the DSM-5 is less debilitating and is part of Bipolar 1. In addition to this, Bipolar 2 causes hypomania, which is less severe manic episodes, and quite frankly I think Andrew does have full on manic episodes even off of his medications, such as the incident that got him on the medication in the first place.

Either way, Andrew was not on a good medication for his brain chemistry. Especially since he would miss days and the external manic symptoms would go away, I do actually think he was on an antipsychotic. Some generation 2 antipsychotics do cause manic symptoms, but this is typically noticed during early usage. Andrew’s frequent misuse of the drug, smoking, drinking and usage of a stimulant while medicated, could have prolonged this side effect. Generation 2 antipsychotics are also, as their name suggests, relatively new, especially for when the series is set. All of the side effects may not have been fully understood at this time, and honestly the court probably wanted the situation to go away as soon as possible and therefore didn’t do the routine check-ins with due diligence. If a patient experiences those symptoms for a prolonged time they are supposed to switch over to a new medication. 

So Andrew’s diagnosis, he has PTSD and Bipolar 1 disorder in either scenario and I do think he was on a generation 2 antipsychotic.

[softrozene]

Arthur Comforts Reader with Past Assault

Anon asked: Uh I saw your "comfort fem reader who has experienced an assault" request and Im wondering if I could get a scenario instead but with Arthur and a male reader ? like I'f you know /that/ one encounter Arthur has with a creepo arther could be comforting and helpful to m!r since no one helped him thank you ro

rdr2 masterlist

Unfortunately, I do know the encounter you are talking about. I ran into him on my first playthrough and was in shock that it was a thing. I thought I was getting robbed but no I honestly think it is a “good” (honestly traumatizing though) encounter to bring awareness that this kind of thing happens to males too but sad that Arthur does end up bottling it in or gets all grumpy when Bill brings it up.

Either way, I did enjoy writing this for comfort and I love that Arthur would want to help in this situation. The relationship here can be taken as platonic or romantic and there will be solid and dumb advice.

Once again let me remind you all, that you are all so worthy, so loved, and valuable.

Originally published on March 9, 2020

Arthur Morgan x Male Reader

Warnings: Angst, PTSD, mentions of past sexual assault, fluff/comfort

Words: ~900

-

The first thing you notice when you jolt awake is how uncomfortably sweaty you are. The slightly cold air brings some relief as you realize it is still nighttime. That you are under a tent and can hear the snores of the fellow gang members.

Sitting up, you wince upon remembering the nightmare you just had. The disgust and anger become strong as you stand up and go look for a bottle of alcohol. Anything to not remember that terrible hellish nightmare.

The campfire flames illuminate the drunk passed out faces near it.

You huff and go for one of their long-forgotten bottles. However, you freeze upon seeing a tired-looking Arthur watching. He offers an exhausted smile.

“What are you doing up (Name)?” His weary voice reaches your ears.

The phantom touches you feel from your nightmare make you sick to your stomach. You hunch over ready for any sort of sickness to come out but instead, you just remain that way. Arthur comes up and gently pats your back to try and help.

“You good?” He questions after a minute.

You shake your head and stand up straight. It is obvious you weren’t from the immediate latch your mouth has on the bottle. You take a few gulps before you look at the tired man. The scowl on his face grows as does the worry in his eyes.

“Y’know if you need to talk, I’m all ears.”

You grumble, “It’s stupid.”

“If it’s making you cry it ain’t stupid.”

You’re crying? The thought makes your cheeks warm-up in embarrassment and the anger for your past assailant grow. Arthur sighs as he starts to walk off. He pauses slightly to look back at you.

“C’mon. Let’s go for a walk.”

He heads for a small trail that leads just a bit away from camp. You follow desperate to ignore these stupid thoughts and feelings. Once only the moon illuminates the surrounding areas, Arthur stops walking.

He turns to you but is patient in letting you gather your thoughts.

“Stupid nightmare,” You murmur.

He says nothing as he waits for you to continue. Upon not seeing any kind of judgment come from him, you do continue, your voice shaking with anger and slight fear. The hesitance was the first thing he heard until you continued and your confidence in him grew.

“I woke up from a goddamn nightmare. Something happened to me quite a while ago. It’s stupid because I’m a grown-ass man who got hurt. I got hurt real bad. It’s stupid because I should’ve prevented it or something. I should be over it, but I’m not. I just want these feelings to go away, this goddamn fear I feel-“

You choke up and stop talking. The tears are coming out strong now and Arthur heaves out a sigh. He was confused for a moment before he recognized those feelings.

“Someone hurt you?” It comes out more like a question but it is the answer.

The nod you give makes him sigh again. No one was there for him when it happened. In fact, he got made fun of at the suggestion of thanks to Bill. The least he can do is provide the much-needed comfort no one showed him.

“Those feelings don’t go away… Or they haven’t for me,” He starts.

Once you realize that he’s admitting something similar happened to him, you are all ears. You are desperate for the feeling of not being alone.

He continues. “I got taken advantage of too. Was stupid of me. Could’ve prevented it too I bet but I didn’t. A guy from a swamp knocked me out and did some pretty vulgar stuff. He’s dead now. I went back and fed him to the alligators. It should make me feel better but it doesn’t.”

Arthur stops talking for a second and looks at you. You are in shock that even Arthur went through something like this. You ask, “How do you feel better ‘bout it? How do you get the nightmares to stop?”

“Time. It may seem stupid but time heals wounds. It could take a lifetime or a week but it will happen. Everyone is different. For me, I try to ignore it.  It doesn’t stop the nightmares. Knowing that I could be that vulnerable ‘course hurts but it happened… And I’m rambling. Listen, you gotta find what works for you. You ended up venting to me. I haven’t done that because it ain’t my style. Venting may work for you and I will always be ears. We can get drunk if you want. Or go and feed the alligators the person who hurt you. Maybe get Hosea’s input. We can try a few things, see what works best,” Arthur finally states.

You nod and fall silent. He groans a little bit before adding in, “What happened to us, it doesn’t make us any less of a man. We ain’t like those cowards who did that shit. You ain’t alone in this.”

You are still angry and hurt but that’s too be expected. Right now you feel a lot better after talking to Arthur. You feel confident in confiding in him.

Arthur puts his hand on your shoulder and states with a smile, “I am proud of you for at least talking to someone ‘bout this.

[dootznbootz]

I wanted to ask you a deep question about a what if scenario, what do you think would've happened if the suitors successfully killed Telemachus and how would it affect the overall plot, most importantly, Odysseus and Penelope?

Thank you for the ask! Oh, no... :')

Ofc, I'm not Homer so I don't know everything but holy shit. I DO think Athena may have possibly stepped in, or if he was still killed, she would have helped Penelope. (all of them being her faves) If I were to use as an AU in my writing, I'll have to explain somethings :'D

If I were to do this as an AU in my works, I'd probably have her seek refuge with the Naiads, as that already happens in my fics. Odysseus has a shitton of canals in the castle as the reason WHY he partially went to Sparta during Helen's suitors is to get supplies as I plan to have Ithaca and some of the islands he rules over get hit by a minor quake the fucked up the castle. (he already had plans in motion, just needed supplies.) When he met Penelope and learned how she basically needed access to Water always, he sent NEW blueprints/plans back as he wanted to make her happy and give her what she needed. His thoughtfulness eases Icarius and Periboea's worries about him and her going to live on a "rock".

More to it but yeah. It's built in a way where it'd be impossible to go through if you're not a naiad or naiad born as you'd drown...Penelope and Telemachus HAVE found some suitor's bodies in these areas, as the islands don't have MANY Naiad born (especially not at marriageable age. Some naiads, seeing how happy Penelope is and having watched her and Odysseus act, thought "...That sounds nice. Wonder if I could get that." so there are SOME young naiads born eventually on Ithaca)

The pool/canal that's basically in their chamber, needs a special puzzle solved so therefore not even naiad born could get through. (She wasn't completely cooped up. She snuck out through this way to the caves.)

Even then, I plan for her to mention to the beggar that once Telemachus can inherit the throne safely, she'll probably be a Naiad full time as to not get married again. So if Telemachus was killed, she'd do that.

Possibly try to get control over the island in some ways as the suitors will obviously be pissed as "where's the queen?"

When Odysseus comes it's obviously a very...hard moment for them. Odysseus obviously never got to truly meet what his son grew up to be even for that short while... :'D And they'd probably kind of do the same as the Odyssey.

Afterward though? I might rewrite some things and make it so that they're 46-47 instead of 45 when they reunite but idk for sure. An heir is needed though (and even then I do kind of plan to have them have a child afterward as holy shit, the drama??? The mixture of joy and pain each family member has???ksdl SO MUCH FUN TO THINK ABOUT. :'D )

Odysseus and Penelope, being aspec and just straight up not wanting others won't hear anything about concubines just like they did before. He does what he said before Telemachus was born: "I'm ripped up from that Boar, I am to blame. Even if I had others it's not likely. Leave us alone."

ANYWAYS!

If they can't have an heir they'd probably talk about stealing a child... Like they talked about before Telemachus happened. :P

Look, they're basically obsessed with each other and also fucked up as hell sometimes. Odysseus killed Astyanax, I think he'd steal a baby so he wouldn't have to be with any other.

Also with Odysseus' trauma from the rapes? He has PTSD and Penelope is really the only one he feels safe around with it. War PTSD is something else entirely but Penelope, the only person he's ever wanted, makes him feel safe. Her reassuring him that she loves him and doesn't blame him, is what helps him alongside time :')

They eventually have an heir but also... Telemachus is constantly on both of their minds. Especially Penelope's as she raised him. :')