#inner crisis for week 1 and now this | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

royalsweetteaa · 2 years ago

Text

Good intent

Pairing: Dark!Ransom Drysdale x Homeless!reader

Chapter 3

18+ ONLY | MINORS DNI

WARNING - This story contains the following: dark themes such as kidnapping, non-con/rape, brief mention of suicide, mutual masturbation, oral sex, obsessive behavior/possessive behavior/delusional behavior on Ransom’s part, cheating, Ransom being a creep in general, toxic relationship dynamic, Stockholm syndrome on reader’s part, abuse of power, classism, size kink, manipulation, angst, a bit of sad!Ransom, eventual fluff.

Summary: Ransom is going through a life crisis where he’s miserable and he wants to change things up to make his daily life more interesting. The change involves taking the freedom of someone who he deems is beneath societal suitability.

Ch. | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |

2nd person POV

The following weeks were pretty much the same for you. Ransom would be at home with you through most of the day, excluding the hours when he had to buy groceries and necessities. You would stay at your room for a good fraction of time, but when you felt lonely you would leave and see what Ransom was up to from afar.

When you were too close to him, his eyes would wander down to your body and you knew he had lustful thoughts through the look of his eyes. He would take you at the most unexpected times and would have you pressed against the wall or on a counter to grind himself against you. It came apparent to you that he liked grabbing your breasts, squeezing them and twisting your nipples while hovering above you.

If he was really in the mood, he would make you slide your panties down so he could cum on them, - to then demand you to wear those for the rest of the day. The feeling of his sticky cum between your pussy and inner thighs made you cringe. You had more of a reason to look forward taking a shower when the evening came.

You did cry during a lot of his pouncing molestations, but you had recently gotten used to the routine. What Ransom was doing wasn’t the worst thing out there. You had heard of stories and cases of abductors keeping their victims in awful living conditions, having them tied up so that the abductor could do inhumane and violating acts against them. While it didn’t excuse Ransom’s way of manhandling you, it certainly made you feel a little bit better to think of worst case scenarios.

He had gifted you clothes, but you quickly learned his real intentions when you discovered they were rather suggestive. Your new underwear and bras were lacy and covered little. They were all of the colour white, and when Ransom first saw you in them, he had said the colour made you look pure and clean. You used to think he referred you as clean because of how you were able to shower now, and it was a way of him being derogatory over you being homeless, but you grew less sure of the meaning.

Ransom had also bought you oversized sweaters and sweatpants of his size. You didn’t know if he simply got off to you wearing something that was meant for someone like him or if it was because of easier access to take your clothes off. Maybe he was just being cheap and bought something he could easily take and wear himself. You didn’t know.

Nonetheless, your sweatpants barely held up because of how big they were, which made it easier for Ransom to just pull them down and have his way with you.

How had your life taken this drastic turn?

Today would break the streak of a routine you and Ransom had followed for almost 3 weeks now. He was leaving early in the evening for a family gathering at Harlan’s for the first time in ages, - according to him anyway.

You had learned that Ransom didn’t have the best relationship with his family either. He had told you as such when he compared the two of you one time during an intense session of fingerfucking you. You surprised yourself that you had managed to remember anything Ransom had said during it.

He put his coat and scarf on and left without saying goodbye. You were thankful he didn’t do anything before leaving. He seemed nervous, even though he tried his best to hide it. But you could tell.

You saw the way he would shuffle to spaces around the house without having any reason to be there. You concluded he was in a train of thought and was trying to gather them. You felt….bad for him.

You knew you shouldn’t, but you saw something in him that reminded you of all the times you headed home from school, mentally preparing yourself to be yelled at by your parents for nothing other than them releasing their frustration onto you.

6 hours went by and it was soon closing to midnight. You were on the sofa in the living room, watching a late night show as you snacked on potato chips. There were full stocks of them in the shelves.

Ransom had stocked up on cookies and salted goodies for you to eat when he was out. There was also frozen and canned food in the fridge but nothing fresh.

Ransom always ordered take out or bought frozen food that could easily be put in the oven and be done within an hour. It was good food and you never complained about it, but as your boredom grew, you missed cooking. Cooking always brought joy when you visited a friend and you would make your spaghetti with meatballs from scratch.

You kept in mind to ask ransom if he could buy ingredients so that you could cook something homemade for the two of you.

For the two of you.

Your thoughts were abruptly interrupted by the sound of a door opening and closing downstairs. You heard irregular footsteps coming up the stairs, and you were met by Ransom. The smell of alcohol made its way through your nostrils, and you knew then that he was drunk. Shit.

“Hey, kitten…enjoying the night without me?” He asked with a lazy voice. He almost tripped when passing the armchair, but he slowly made his way to you with a smirk.

“I’m just….watching some TV. I’ll be going to bed soon. You should go to bed too…” you suggested carefully.

He scoffed. “Nah, I’d rather be here with you, sweetheart. Nothing better than being with you….” He said with no shame, before he placed himself on the couch. You scooted away - a big mistake on your part.

He frowned. “Stop fucking….- moving away from me. It hurts…when you do that.” He muttered, before he laid down and placed his head on your lap, snuggling into you.

You were in shock. You had never seen Ransom in a state like this. One could almost say he was being vulnerable, but maybe it was the alcohol messing with his mind.

“I had the worst fuckin’ time ever….had the whole family screaming at me, like they always do. Telling me I’m a worthless piece of shit and how I don’t do anything worthwhile…..as if they are any better. They hog up my grandfather’s money just as much….I’m no worse of a fool, yet I get all the blame when they made me this way….I hate them so much.” He said with a shaky voice. “Had to get drunk to not have a full mental breakdown. Wasn’t the easiest, and probably not the safest to drive home but I had to…*hic*…get back to you. Couldn’t stay any longer away from you…”

You felt your sweatpants were getting moisture from where Ransom laid his head. You were confused, and so you moved your head just a little to get a better angle, and that’s when you saw it.

He was crying….

“Everyone hates me. Even you. I know you do. No matter how much I try to sugarcoat it, I know you despise me, but honestly, I’d rather have you hate me than not have you at all. I’m fucking done for if I let you walk away from me…”

You almost couldn’t believe it. Ransom had never expressed any vulnerable emotions other than anger, frustration, jealousy, lust and sometimes happiness, if you could call it that. Sadness and fear were never on the table before. Until now.

You should leave him to cry out his frustrations alone. Make him understand that there’s no use in finding comfort from you. That’s how one should normally respond to someone who has repeatedly violated one’s body.

But you don’t.You don’t have the heart to do it.

You carefully place your hand on his head, which made him shudder in surprise. You started to stroke his hair when he seemed to maintain calmness. He further nuzzled into you, wiping his tears with your sweater.

“Ransom…..” you started, before taking a deep breath. “I don’t….hate you. I don’t hate anyone.” You quickly specify. “If anything, I hate myself more because I can’t seem to put up a fight when….” You shook your head, regretting on saying anything at all. He didn’t care anyway, you thought.

He looked up at you, half smiling despite having bloodshot eyes. “You’re everything I could want..so forgiving and submissive…then there’s me who doesn’t regret taking you. I don’t regret anything I’ve done to you.” He said, before rising away from your lap. He took your hand and kissed it before looking at you with caring eyes.

“Does that make you angry, sweetheart? That I don’t regret touching you? I haven’t hurt you…I’ve been nice enough to make you cum whenever I wanted to get off with you. I’ve been nothing but nice….you just can’t seem to see that yet….“

Your eyes were burning from trying to hold yourself together. You wanted to cry so bad, but you didn’t want to show weakness anymore.

“You’re so dear to me….I think….…*hic*…if anything were to happen to you, or if I ever came home and you were gone, I’d just kill myself…” he said before leaning away and looking up at the ceiling.

Your stomach dropped and you felt sick. So many mixed emotions were contemplating from head to heart.

“You…you don’t mean that….you’re drunk Ransom…you said it yourself, I’m a nobody.”

Ransom chuckled at your doubting. “I’m an honest drunk, sweetheart… and I’m sure as hell going to regret saying all these things but it’s true…you may be a no one outside this house but you’re my whole new world, no matter how fucking cheesy it might sound. I…always thought you were the one who needed me but it was always the other way around. I realize that now.”

Your heart was beating at a pace you didn’t know was possible. Ransom turned to look at you and smiled. He patted the sofa for you to come closer to him, and you complied.

“Ransom…” you were about to ask what he was going to do, but he beat you to it. “Kiss me..” he mumbled. Before you could coherent his request, he attached his lips to yours. It was probably the most gentle kiss you two have ever shared. He held your hand and caressed it while his other hand moved to your thigh. “I need you, Y/N…” he mumbled in the kiss. He wasn’t hinting on any sexual desire this time but just pure passion.

“…I….I need you to give me a blowjob.” He whispered bluntly while stroking your knee.

You spoke too soon.

You were taken aback by his demand but not surprised. You had thought that Ransom would eventually demand to experiment more sexual deeds with you as time went by. He had been ‘kind’ enough to not engage in penetrative sex with you yet, but you knew his end goal was to do just that when the ‘right time’ came, whenever that would be. It scared you, but what was even more scarier was how the thought also gave you thrill.

“But you’re drunk Ransom…we can’t just-“

“I don’t care…I need you to to touch me this time. Suck my cock, kitten.”

Because it was less of a request and more of an order, you knew you had no choice. You sighed with defeat and nodded. “Okay.”

Ransom beamed. It was as if his smile alone was out of an achievement. It was as if to tell you ‘I won’. You hated yourself immensely at that moment.

He straightened his posture and spread his legs before looking at you. You took it as a cue to remove yourself from the couch and place yourself on the floor, slotting between his legs. He towered you from this angle.

“Go on, darling. Take my cock out like a good girl.” He taunted and licked his lips.

You looked down at his crotch area where you could see his bulge growing, and with shaky hands you reached out to undo his fly. You unzipped him and saw a few wet patches on his boxers. His cock was twitching under the restraints, almost begging to be released. You peeled off his boxers and were met by his hard red tipping cock. Your face has never been this close to it, and you were distracted by how pretty it was.

You felt your heart sink when you felt a sense of tingling - your pussy responding out of arousal at the mere sight of a cock. His cock.

Your hand wrapped carefully around his shaft, and you slowly began to pump him. His head leaned against the headrest of the sofa, letting out a sigh of relief. “There you go….fuck, I’ve been dreaming of having you on your knees for the longest time. I’ll never get this image out of my head….” He rasped.

You weren’t nearly as experienced as him, - you had figured as much, but he didn’t seem to mind. His hand stroked your hair, much like you were doing earlier.

“C’mon baby, use that pretty mouth now and suck. Want you drooling and making a sloppy mess around me.” He groaned.

You did as he said, and moved yourself closer to his cock. You gave the tip a few kitten licks before swallowing him in your mouth. His precum tasted bitter, but it wasn’t that bad. You circled your tongue around his mushroom head and gathered more spit to make it easier to take him. Your small hands wrapped around beneath where your mouth was working and you started stroking. He let out obscene moans all the while his grip around your head became rougher.

“Mmm Good girl, fuck…such a good girl for me…fucking addicted to you, baby. You’re my little slut, aren’t you? Mine to do as I please with….”

Yours thighs rubbed together as it gave your throbbing pussy some relief. The way Ransom spoke to you ignited something within you. It always had, but this time you couldn’t help but get off from only his words. His praise of your actions made you feel powerful. You liked this.

You looked up at him while forcing your throat to accept him, and you found him staring right back at you. He looked at you with absolute adoration.

“Look at you,…so pretty…you’re nothing like those whores I used to fuck…you’re so much more…” he said completely dazed out before he gripped your head and started forcing you to swallow him full.

“I’m gonna fucking cum….ah shit, you better not let any of my cum go to waste. F-fuck!~” he closed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth. Spurts of cum made its way to your mouth. You swallowed his spend, letting each load into your throat and down your stomach. You savored the taste, and he let go of your head so you could remove yourself and breathe. You coughed a little bit as it had been a while since you gave someone a blowjob, but you recovered quickly.

“Open your mouth..” he demanded. You opened your mouth, presenting that you had indeed swallowed everything he gave you. He smiled pleasantly. “Amazing…came faster than I usually do because you treated my dick so well..” he praised. “Want me to return the favor?” He asked with a raised eye brow.

You shook your head. “I’m tired right now, but…thanks.”

He smirked and nodded understandingly. “Come here. Let’s cuddle.”

He took you into his arms, but what you didn’t expect was to be carried. Carefully, he stumbled his way with you to his bedroom and placed you on his bed. He took off his sweater and trousers but left his boxers on. You sighed in relief as it was a huge indicator that he wouldn’t start anything. You were too tired, and he was too.

Ransom tucked you under the sheets and put it over himself as well before reaching into your touch. Your hand landed on his chest as you made yourself comfortable. Somehow, after everything that had happened, this gave you the peace you had longed for. You had forgotten yourself completely, not scared anymore of what Ransom had made you become. Ransom gave you a kiss on your temple and stroked your shoulder where his arm held around you.

“Goodnight, kitten.” He mumbled, before falling into a deep slumber.

You muttered ‘goodnight’ back, and everything went black.

You woke up the morning after, still in Ransom’s bed. Ransom wasn’t beside you anymore though. You turned to look around to find no one but yourself in the huge bedroom. His side of the bed was cold, which meant he must have left much earlier on. You sighed.

Disappointment. That was all you felt. You had lost the little dignity you had left and accepted the fact that you had grown attached to your captor. He had said he didn’t regret what he had done to you, and while it did hurt you at the moment, it had seemed he was trying to tell you he did it out of adoration for you. He wasn’t mocking you over his non-existent guilt, but rather insinuating it was with a purpose. A purpose to connect the two of you in a way he only knew how to connect.

His vulnerability yesterday made you see Ransom from a different perspective. One of a lonely and unloved rich man who took you to fill his void. You being that person to a demanding and defensive man such as Ransom made you feel somewhat special.

You hated yourself for it. You truly did. But why resist it? The feeling you were slowly getting attracted to made you feel like you could stay here and not hate it. Why push away the man who seemed to care so much about you, to the point where he would place your pleasure first before his?

You recalled the times he would touch you and feel you without thinking of touching himself. He said he knew your body too well to know it craved him. The more you thought about it, the more you concluded he was right all along. Your mind and heart was slowly abiding to your body’s cravings.

You were becoming one with your body.

Leaving the bed, you walked over to your room and had a mission of your own to look presentable. You took a shower and used the vanilla fragranced soap.It reminded you of him, so you wanted to embrace it.

You put on a new lingerie Ransom had gifted you, and put on a comfy sweater. No sweatpants this time.

When you were done, you looked around the house. You assumed Ransom went to the store because he was nowhere to be found. You wrapped your arms around your shoulder, suddenly feeling very alone.

You were scared.

You have been alone for a long time ever since you had to move out and lay in the streets. You were getting used to it, and then he came along and showered you with attention. Showed you affection like none other. You hadn’t been in a serious relationship ever, and you didn’t know the implications of it. You wondered if that made it all the more easier for you to like Ransom since you couldn’t compare previous relationships. It made you feel pathetic the more you thought about it.

You returned to Ransom’s bed and decided to curl yourself in the sheets. They smelled like him, and it made you feel flushed. You inhaled the smell once more, instinctively bucking your hips. God, you wanted him so bad.

His face. His body. His words. His smell. His taste.

You had grown addicted, you had realized. He made you drown in lust, becoming like a dog in heat. You didn’t realize you were humping against his sheets, desperate to get off. You wanted him to touch you like he had done for weeks. To take control and satisfy your body and make your head go numb from thoughts. You longed for him to tell you that he would take care of you, like your parents never did. Like your life never has.

“Oh, Ransom…” you moaned. You put his pillow underneath you and started humping it. Your hips rolled against it as you sought after the friction only Ransom could provide. It didn’t feel the same, but it still felt good. You cried out his name over and over like a chant, and when you came, you collapsed onto his bed.

A few moments later and your head was cleared from the lustful bliss. You started to cry. You were so conflicted over your feelings, and the memories of the time when you were scared of Ransom reminded you how drastically your mentality has changed.

I’m not a victim anymore. I’m just his. You thought.

Ransom didn’t return for the entire day. You had cleaned up the house, watched some TV and finished an entire book. You also put on a frozen pizza, but you had to use a regular utensil knife to cut it which was hard. Ransom had a lock on the cabinet with all the sharp objects such as kitchen knives, and oddly enough the pizza cutter. You recalled he said something about ‘refraining you from purposefully hurting yourself’ when you asked about it.

You left a few pieces for him, trying to present it nicely on the plate by the kitchen table. You were a bit nervous about Ransom’s absence, but you figured there had to be a reason for it.

Maybe he had to turn up for a family emergency. It had to be important if he had to be gone for so long.

You were in his bedroom once again, and it was around 12:00 PM you heard the upstairs floor door open up. There was silence, until you heard Ransom curse. By his stern sounding steps, he must be upset, you assumed. You heard him undress and hang his jacket on the hanger before his steps closed in to where you were.

He was just about to take off his scarf until his eyes met upon yours. He looked stunned to see you there, your upper body resting against the headboard while your legs were draped in his sheets.

His face scrunched. “The fuck are you still doing here? Shouldn’t you be in your room?” Ransom snapped.

You were stiffened by his outburst. You didn’t expect that to be the first thing he would say after being gone for so long. “I-I just thought that…- I have been waiting for you.”

“Well I don’t want you around right now, so you can get the fuck out and go to your room where you always are. I don’t need you.”

Your heart shattered by his harsh words. How could you be so foolish?

You immediately put the book on his nightstand and rushed outside while hugging yourself.

He had sweet talked you while drunk all afternoon yesterday, and not even 24 hours later he treats you like shit. He used to play with your body and now he was playing with your feelings. What more could he want? Was he really expecting you to live like this?

Ransom’s POV

I regretted my words as soon as she left my room and ran into hers. I always had to fuck up the good things in my life, and she was no exception.

I had woken up early today to find her curled up into my chest. The morning hangover messed my head up so bad, I couldn’t appreciate the moment. Though I should have. I eventually remembered the night before, when I was heavily drunk and I let my mouth running. I talked about things I shouldn’t have said. Hell, I even remember admitting to myself that I would regret opening my mouth when I was sober again. I had fucked myself over by telling the truth I refuse to accept being fundamental.

I decided to leave and meet my grandfather - Harlan, who wanted to speak with me. We had a serious conversation where he shared his concerns about my future and place in this family. I grew angry when he mentioned he was thinking of cutting me off of the will for the sake of me getting a ‘wake up call’. I told him I had a lot to take care of at the moment which was none of his concern. He asked me if I have been gambling or was in debt, to which I said no - the rightful truth. I had no plans on telling him I had a woman at home who I was providing. She was my dirty little secret, and the word would spread some way or another if I told Harlan. The last thing I wanted was to have my family involved in my personal life.

I left Harlan, even more frustrated than before I met him. Deciding to not drive home just yet, I parked at the bar and let my temptations get the better of me. I took a shot of scotch, and eyed the drug dealer who always sat at the corner where he was barely noticed by other people. I payed him for 7 grams of marijuana, and consumed a fraction of it.

“Oh, hey Rannie!” A woman’s voice came from behind me. I turned to be met by a redhead I couldn’t remember the name of, but I remembered I had hooked up with her 2 months ago. “Long time no see! Have you missed me, daddy?”

The marijuana was taking effect on my body, the dopamine turning my mood into one that felt good. It also made me horny. Very horny.

“Let me fuck your cunt and I’ll give you an answer.”

I regret it. I regret it so bad. I thought I had bypassed my old habits but they were coming back. I felt so empty after the marijuana got out of my system, and now I was taking it over Y/N, who was finally giving me what I want. Herself.

I need her.

I need her. I need her. I need her.

I couldn’t deny it anymore. My yesterday’s drunken self was right.

An hour passed by since she left to her room. The door was unlocked because there were no locks there to begin with, but I wanted to give her space until I couldn’t stay away from her any longer.

I opened her door quietly, finding her on the floor, leaning against the bed. She sat in a fetal position with her legs close to her chest as her arms wrapped around them, her head laying low. I couldn’t see her face. I knew she knew I was in her presence, but she was refusing to look at me.

After a few moments of silence, I opened my mouth to speak, thinking cautiously of what I should say.

“Darling….I’m…” I wasn’t used to apologizing, and even now when I was desperate for her forgiveness, I couldn’t bring myself to say that one word. The word I wasn’t taught to ever use.

“Shut up!” She snapped. “Leave me the fuck alone.”

“Shhh, don’t shout-!” I tried to coo, but I was quickly interrupted. “Stop hushing me and telling me what to do! You’re terrible, Hugh! One day you’re being a decent person, and another day a cruel man. And I hate it! I hate what you have done to me! I hate myself for how I’m not able to fight back! I hate you!”

I stiffened. I had heard those words aimed at me by my own family so many times, yet I felt my heart sink when she said those very same words.

“No you don’t…you said it yourself, you could never hate me-!” “And you said I’m your whole new world, but I guess we just say things we don’t mean!” She interrupted once again.

“I have been feeling sick all day because I’m feeling things I shouldn’t feel! I haven’t tried to escape since I came here because I can’t fight you! You make me vulnerable and now I’m growing attached to you when a normal fucking person should never feel that way towards someone who has constantly violated them! A-And then you said all these wonderful things of how you need me yesterday - something a lover would say, and that stole my heart, but now you decide to say you don’t need me after all of this?! Why am I even here? W-What is even my purpose if I’m not supposed to be with you the whole time?!” Her voice cracked in the midst of her break down.

For once, I really did feel like a horrible person as she described it. She was pouring her feelings and admitting that she has grown attached to me, and it made me hate myself for ever opening my mouth.

“You were out somewhere doing stuff too, weren’t you? I can smell alcohol from your breath and cheap perfume coming from your sweater. Tell me, did you have a good time? Does it feel empowering knowing you can do and get about anything outside of your house and have your plaything waiting for you at home? I’m like the cherry on top of your sundae, am I right? That’s all I am. That’s what you’ve made me become. And I fucking hate you for it.”

My face turned from sorrow to anger at her accusations. “That’s not true! Don’t put words into my fucking mouth, kitten. I made a mistake, one I will regret for the rest of my life but that gives you no right to assume what you are to me! You belong here, with me. We were made for each other, Y/N, you just need to see it my way.” I defended.

You shook your head and ducked your head between your arms again. “There’s nothing to see. There’s no ‘your way’ that could possibly make this any less wrong… admit it, you’re just fucked up.”

Usually I wouldn’t let that kind of insult slip, but for once, it felt deserved. “That makes the two of us, doesn’t it? I may be messed up in my head but it’s because of you, and no one else. Just like I’ve been able to make you grow fond of me despite how ‘unethical’ my actions have been. We are both fucked up and that’s what makes us so compelling, along with our differences. You need me just as much as I need you. I’m admitting it while I’m sober.I wasn’t thinking earlier, alright?I’m truly done with life if you aren’t by my side.So please…forgive me.”

I carefully held her by the waist and pressed her against my chest, caressing her body into my own. She hit me on the chest with her fist which made me grunt, but I could easily take hits if it meant she would give into my touch.

Usually when she was in a similar state, I would respond with sex as my way of showing comfort. But this was different. I had broken her and I had to get out of my comfort zone by having to use my words to put the broken pieces back together. It seemed to work, and she even stopped crying.

Second person POV

Your closed fist loosened up soon after, and you placed it around his neck to move closer to him. You were so helpless at the moment, but Ransom made that feeling go away. He gave your back gentle strokes and kissed your shoulder.

You had seen a few movies to know this was just like how couples for life acted. Together so close in a time where it was most needed. In a time where everything hurt. He had caused you so much pain, and just like that, you were healing in his arms.

“I’m sick, Ransom…I think there’s something seriously wrong with me to be enjoying this. I should go to a therapist…and you should too.”

He chuckled at your last statement. “There’s nothing wrong, baby…nothing wrong with loving me.” He said. “I promise you, I’ll never say what I said earlier ever again. I’ll always be with you and give everything you desire. Tell me, kitten, what do you want?”

You sniffled and pondered for a moment before coming with the perfect idea. “I want to bake a pie.”

The next day would mark the second night in a row where you slept in one bed together, but this time, you found yourselves tangled to each other in your bed. It was smaller, but Ransom liked how it made him dependent on holding you so close to him, or else he would fall off the edge.

He woke up early that day, and after admiring your sleeping form for what felt like hours, he left the bed and dressed up to leave to the store. You requested the day prior on baking a pie for lunch, and you had made a list of the ingredients needed to make it. He was going to get all the things before you wake up.

Ransom eagerly drove downtown to the store, strolling through all the isles to find every single ingredient. He wasn’t used to buying ingredients as he has never bothered to cook his own meals from scratch, so it took a while for him to claim the items and check off the list.

When he drove out and cruised through the quiet streets, his eye caught a police car, where in the pavement stood two police officers talking to one of the rich old hags with their small demon dogs in their handbags. He turned his head to the road again, and that’s when he suddenly realized which street he was currently driving in.

It was the street of which he had taken you.

Fuck. His grip on the steering wheel tightened as he tried to maintain the same according speed. The least thing he would want to do now is to catch anyone’s attention. Let alone the police.

Maybe it’s a coincidence, but regardless, I can’t keep my guard low, Ransom thought.

When he stepped out of his car and made his way to the house, he couldn’t help but be shaken. It haunted him immensely to think he could be caught for taking you, and worst of all - have you taken away from him.

At this point, he was considering moving location to ensure the police would never find her. He was thinking of asking Y/N if she gave her location to the shelter before he took her, but he concluded it would be bad for her to know someone was looking for her at all. They were at a stage where they were only now going past being two strangers to lovers from both sides. At least Ransom liked to think you saw him as his lover by now, but it didn’t matter. They were to be whatever he wanted to label them as.

He entered the house with the groceries and walked over to your room to greet you. You were still sleeping and burying your face in Ransom’s sheets. He found it so endearing and he couldn’t help but take a picture.

Ransom then walked over to you and sat at the edge of the bed. The sudden dipping of the bed made your face scrunch in confusion and you squinted your eyes open.

“Morning, kitten.” Ransom greeted. You smiled and returned the greeting while stretching your body.

He held up the bag of groceries. “Bought the stuff you needed.”

“Oh, thank you.” You beamed. Ransom hummed in content. He wasn’t used to being thanked for doing simple things, but it was nice. So nice that each time you thanked him, he felt warm and fuzzy inside.

As he was standing up to move the groceries to the kitchen, his gaze caught up on your sudden nervous composure.

“Um, Ransom?”

“Yeah?”

“I uh, was wondering if you can-……nevermind.” Your head looked to the side bashfully.

Ransom frowned at your retorting of words, but when his eyes scanned to read your body language, he saw.

Your hands were resting on your thighs as you wriggled and rubbed your thighs together. You were biting your lip and looking rather suggestive.

Oh. He knew what you wanted. It was clear as day now. And he was going to give it regardless, but only if you told him first. He wanted to hear it.

“Oh no, no, no. Don’t shy away now. Tell me, darling. What do you want me to do?”

He could see the hesitation in your eyes, but he knew at any moment you wouldn’t hold back anymore. “I-I want you to….I need you to touch me..” you said, your last words of the sentence barely audible, but he heard it. He grinned with amusement.

“Good girl.”

Ransom joined you in bed, reached out and lifted up your sweater. He was revealed with the lingerie he had recently bought you. It made his mouth water at the sight of the garment hugging your body tight like this.

“You dressed up yesterday for me, didn’t you? And I was foolish enough to deny you when you look so fucking sexy. I’ll make it up to you, sweetheart. I promise…”

He hunched over and peppered you with kisses. First he kissed your forehead. Then your cheek. Then your nose. And finally, your mouth. You wrapped your arms around him, not wanting to have him inch any further away from you. His hands were all over you, making you melt. You have missed this so much.

“Let’s make the both of us feel real good, baby…I’ll touch you while you touch me, okay?” Ransom suggested seductively.

You nodded feverishly and watched him undress. His cock was already hard when it sprung out of his boxers, but he kept his blue sweater on which made you pout. Ransom picked up on that and snickered.

“I know, darling. I know how bad you want to see my built chest, but m’still kinda cold from being out. Don’t wanna catch a cold.” He cooed.

You sighed. “Okay…”

“Besides, you won’t be clinging onto my chest this time. We’re going to play with each other while we sit comfortably on this bed. Remove your underwear and come to me, kitten…” he said and patted on the free spot beside him.

You removed your underwear eagerly and crawled over to him. “Aww, look at you…crawling like a little kitten to me. I’ll buy you a couple of cat ears. Bet you’d look adorable with them.” Ransom teased.

You shook your head, hiding your grin as you felt excitement. He gestured you to spread your legs while you sat towards each other, and he reached out to touch your glistening heat.

“Pretty little pussy’s dripping….it’s been a while since I treated her good…poor little thing….”

You exhaled and shut your eyes as Ransom’s fingers rubbed your cunt gently as a warm up. “I-It’s only been two days..”

“Hmm, too long if you ask me…” He inserted a finger just then which made your legs tremble. You bit the inside of your cheek as you tried to hold in your moans.

“Hmm…does that feel good, kitten? You love it when I touch you, don’t you?”

You bobbed your head and whispered a ‘yes’.

“I love it when you touch me too…give my cock some attention, will you? I need your soft hands so bad…”

Your hand reached weakly around his cock, and Ransom let out a deep sigh as he was finally receiving the relief he so badly needed. He thought of how the two of you could have easily done this prior if he wasn’t an idiot yesterday.

You stroked him with weak hands but soon enough gripped him firmly to give him satisfying relief. His head dipped slightly upwards as he concentrated to maintain focus on pleasuring you.

“Good girl….fuck!…that’s it…” he moaned.

You pleasured each other, touching each other’s weak spots. Ransom was working on edging you by rubbing your clit before moving back to your folds right before you reached your climax.

“…stop teasing me, I wanna cum…” you whined.

“Hmm you’ll have to convince me a little more than that, darling.” Ransom challenged.

“…Please, I need it so bad… I-I’ll swallow your cum if you stop teasing me.” you bargained.

Ransom hummed in delight of your offer. “Oh, I like the idea of that, sweetheart. I’ve turned you into my little cumslut, haven’t I?” He started to rub your sensitive pearl harshly, making let go of his dick and reached your high of your orgasm.

“Mhm! Yes!! I’m your cumslut, Ransom! O-Only for you!“ you babbled as you became cross eyed from the overstimulation. You creamed just then, making Ransom’s fingers become coated with your juices.

“There you go, kitten. Cumming like the good girl you are. Atta girl.” Ransom cooed as you mewled.

“Mmm, thank yousir…”

His cock throbbed when he heard you calling him that. It was the first time you have ever uttered something of the sort, and he hadn’t ever suggested you to use that title. It made him grow lustful as he stroked his cock, wanting to cum so bad and make you swallow his load. You were now laying on thin ice in Ransom’s book.

“Ah, so I’m sir now, baby? Is that who I am? You better show how good that tongue is right now if you know what’s good for you. Come here.”

You complied right away, crawling over to his lap and before taking him in your mouth. The salty precum which coated his whole cock pleased you taste buds. You lewdly hummed around him, sending vibrations to his spine and quickly pushing him on the edge of his orgasm.

“Aaah! Fucking hell!…” Ransom moaned, closing his eyes so tight it almost hurt as he let himself release in your mouth. He could hear you gulping his spend down your throat. Once he opened them, he saw you holding your hand under your chin as trickles of cum dripped.

“S-Sorry, I….couldn’t swallow it all….”

He grinned, his hand reaching out to caress your cheek. “You did good, darling. You’re dirtier than I thought. I love it.”

Your cheeks flushed at his touch, and you were overjoyed with his praises. You pounced on him which made him grunt in surprise. For a millisecond he thought you were attacking him.

But no, you were nuzzling your head onto his soft sweater. If he wasn’t mistaken, he felt almost nervous from your sudden affectionate gesture, something he wasn’t used to getting. It made him think back on when you were stroking his hair as he laid on your lap. Something you had done without him demanding you to do.

His chest was pounding from the tight feeling and he gulped subconsciously.

Is this love?

Because if it was, he hated it. Okay, maybe hate was an exaggeration. It made him feel weak, but your comfort and touch made it all worth it. He returned the gesture of stroking your hair as he leaned to breathe in the smell of vanilla lotion that still lingered in you. He could get used to this.

What ruined the moment was when he panicked of thinking you were listening to his rapidly beating heart, and he immediately pulled away to look at you. You looked confused, but Ransom covered his panic with an assuring smile.

“How about we make that pie?”

Note from author: Stockholm syndrome took off in this chapter and I’m not sorry for that lmaoo.

Hearts & Reblogs are very much appreciated! <3

#ransom drysdale x reader #ransom drysdale #dark ransom drysdale #dark ransom drysdale x reader #ransom drysdale x y/n #chris evans #ransom drysdale x female reader #ransom drysdale fanfiction #ransom drysdale fic #dark fic

125 notes · View notes

therpistlr · 5 months ago

Text

The Quiet Dawn: A Journey Through Schizoid Shadows"

Chapter 1: The Island of Self

For as long as Liam could remember, he felt like an observer of life rather than a participant. Relationships felt like obligations, emotions were puzzles he couldn’t solve, and solitude was his sanctuary. His apartment was a fortress of books, music, and routines—safe, predictable, and utterly isolating.

At 32, Liam worked remotely as a data analyst, a job that required minimal human interaction. His coworkers knew him only as a name on Slack. His family had long stopped asking why he skipped holidays. "I’m just wired differently," he’d say. But when his older sister left a voicemail about their father’s cancer diagnosis, something shifted. The call went unanswered for days, but guilt—a rare, sharp emotion—pierced his detachment.

Chapter 2: The Crack in the Wall

Liam’s first therapy session was pragmatic, not emotional. "I need strategies to handle family obligations without feeling suffocated," he told Dr. Rivera, a therapist specializing in personality dynamics. She didn’t push him to "open up" but asked curious questions: "What does safety mean to you? What’s the cost of staying detached?"

Slowly, Liam began mapping his inner world. He journaled about his childhood—a strict, emotionally distant father, a mother lost to her own depression. He’d learned early that closeness led to disappointment, so he buried his needs. Therapy became a clinical experiment: What happens if I tolerate 10 minutes of small talk? If I say ‘no’ without guilt?

Chapter 3: The Bridge of Small Risks

Dr. Rivera suggested incremental challenges:

Week 1: Attend a silent meditation group (no pressure to socialize).

Week 4: Text his sister once: "How’s Dad’s treatment going?"

Week 8: Join an online forum for niche interests (astronomy, retro video games).

Liam hated the nausea before each task, but he noticed something odd: the world didn’t end when he interacted. The meditation group’s silence felt peaceful, not threatening. His sister’s grateful reply—"He’s stable. Thanks for asking"—left him with a flicker of warmth.

Chapter 4: The Awakening of Agency

The breakthrough wasn’t emotional—it was intellectual. Liam read about schizoid adaptation as a survival mechanism, not a life sentence. "Detachment protected you," Dr. Rivera said. "But what if it’s now limiting you?"

He began reframing his choices:

Solitude ➔ Intentional alone time (instead of default isolation).

Emotional neutrality ➔ Curiosity about feelings (not pressure to "feel more").

Relationships ➔ Selective connections (quality over quantity).

When his father died, Liam attended the funeral. He didn’t cry or hug anyone, but he stayed. His sister squeezed his shoulder—"I’m glad you’re here"—and for once, he didn’t flinch.

Chapter 5: The Mosaic of Meaning

Liam didn’t become outgoing. He still loved his routines, his books, the stars. But he carved tiny spaces for connection:

A monthly board game night with two astronomy forum friends.

Volunteering at an animal shelter (dogs didn’t demand emotional labor).

Writing匿名 sci-fi stories online, where readers praised his creativity.

He learned to say "I need space" without shame and "Tell me more" without fear. Emotions remained muted, but he noticed subtle shifts—a flicker of pride when his stories resonated, a twinge of loss when his shelter-favorite dog was adopted.

Epilogue: The Quiet Dawn

At 40, Liam sits on his balcony, a rescued greyhound at his feet. His sister texts him memes now. He still dislikes parties, but he hosts small dinners for his two closest friends. Therapy is occasional—a tune-up, not a crisis.

Recovery, for Liam, wasn’t about becoming someone else. It was about choice: building a life that honored his need for autonomy while gently stretching into the world. He’ll always be a quiet soul, but the silence now feels like peace, not prison.

"I’m not broken," he writes in his final journal entry. "I’m a universe contained. And sometimes, that’s enough."

________________________ A Recovery Tool

#schizoid #cluster a #actually schizophrenic #szpd #actually schizospec #psychosis #schizoid personality disorder #schizoposting

7 notes · View notes

studentbyday · 1 year ago

Text

catharsis: nearing the end

counting down the weeks to freedom (🏫🙅🏻‍♀️) and in need of stress relief (💆🏻‍♀️🕊️🧘🏻‍♀️)...

1. october (tchaikovsky): maybe one day i will record this song bc it's one of my favorites. also really befitting my underlying mood in this latter half of the semester. under all the stress and frustration, i am just tired. i want to see the world. i want to feel the joy of living again. making my life revolve around the confines of school does not feel like living.

2. apparition de giselle (adolphe adam): the music at the part where she's spinning in circles in the "initiation" scene. that's what today feels like. a flurry of movement, a little desperate, and despite the energy, unfulfilled. even soulless. i'm tired, that's all. stupid insomnia - you know that feeling where you're physically tired and when you lie down on the bed it feels like such a relief, yet you can't fall asleep? i don't know why that happens. am i worried about something? possibly? maybe? but during the day, i don't think i feel super worried.

3. mazurka op. 68 no. 3 (chopin): the first piece by chopin i ever played. the way i heard it in my head and the way i played it didn't have as stately a character as this interpretation, but this was the recording i drew most of my inspiration from. i really miss playing piano and the youthful glow i had felt in that era. it feels like ages ago. and with every passing year, it seems i have more pressing priorities like learning how to be an adult, the desire to forge new relationships and tend to them, and establishing my career, so piano consistently falls to the wayside. i don't regret my career choice tho... gladly, after a long-drawn existential crisis in high school, trying to come to a career path that had the best chance of balancing my needs and wants with the world's, i'm still satisfied with my decision. i want to learn how to use my potential to be of service to others, including those beyond my inner circle. i also want to practice piano after my dreaded winter exams. i will make time for both. 4. rainy day coffee shop ambience with piano music and distant thunder: that satisfaction at having stumbled upon the truth, the solidness of it finding a home in my chest. ☺️ i finally figured out what's wrong mentally and now i have something to work with rather than just floundering, feeling "some type of way", unable to get out of it because i don't even know what "it" is. i'm 99% sure that's what's causing my insomnia. i feel so much more hopeful and peaceful now with my feelings validated and all. 🥺 (update: i had the best sleep i've had in ages ☺️)

5. i dreamed a dream (claude-michel schönberg): i seem to always cycle through the same songs like i'm constantly circling the same drain. do i really always cycle through the same set of feelings every couple of weeks? 🤷🏻‍♀️ i have dreams i don't know i can reach. some of them feel more like fantasies than dreams... in my mind, dreams are super ambitious goals i don't know if i can reach but that are in theory possible to reach (more variables are in my control and have a good chance of affecting the future in the way i want), while fantasies are dreams that are closer to impossible to achieve (fewer variables are in my control and may not have a good chance of affecting the future in the way i want). i don't know, maybe they just feel like fantasies for now, and really, it's not impossible. idk, i don't have a crystal ball...

6. the sound of silence: i literally mean the sound of silence tho, not the song 😂 so underrated when the mind has been a noisy mess. ... and then in random mindless moments, like in the shower or when clearing away the dishes, all the music comes rushing back, begging to be heard and felt and loved.

7. arabesque no. 1 (debussy): learned about CBT in psych so i'm trying out using the situation -> thoughts -> feelings -> behavior template in my journal so hopefully i can figure out why i do or don't do the things i do 😅 and then maybe branch into some small "behavioral experiments"...not really sure yet but hopefully it brings me some clarity!

27 notes · View notes

kidspawn · 8 days ago

Note

my friend did you delete beneth the mask and can you please give it back thank you <3

(you obvi dont have to (no pressure, really) but like, i was interested and i am still interested. just btw)

First of all, I really want to say thank you for the interest. Genuinely. It's heartwarming. I did delete it, and it has very little to do with like... how do I explain this? I worry it'll sound silly because its literally just fanfiction. Mild oversharing rambles below.

I love this fic. I love this fic so much. And I also hate it? It's got years of different me's in it. It's got so many different stages and mentalities and writing styles in it. It is a product of a person who changed so much over the course of writing it that now editing and trying to bring it together is such a jarring emotional whiplash.

I started it when I was nineteen. I wrote the idea down the night I went to see The Batman with a group of coworkers, and I had drunk a max size slushy filled halfway with vodka my best friend and I snuck into the final row. I sat in the back seat of my best friends car after throwing it up in a swirl of artifical dyes, crying until my eyelids got heavy, and I wrote this idea on the back of my movie ticket with a ballpoint pen i stole from the office max next door (that ticket is still glued in one of my many journals somewhere, I believe.). Like all the Ronan chapters were written during one of the worst periods of time of my life, and tucked in a google doc folder i would not touch for another four years.

And I don't think its too obvious - like the fic is silly and tropey and fun! I had some giggles rereading dialogue! I got to dissect my writing choices and try and string it together with some newer writing techniques? But its 1) woven into a mentality I had during that period of my life, and I had a genuine crisis two weeks ago editing down some of the shit Ronan was thinking. And 2) my writing style has CHANGED. A lot. And trying to merge my writing now with my writing four years ago has been a nightmare.

(On the plus side all the Adam chapters are brand new, actually. And I am genuinely proud of them. Like... truly. It was my first time writing Adam ever and I had so much fun with it.)

Put more succinctly, I feel really weird about the fic? Writing it helped me fall in love with writing again. I hadn't written properly in a while and I'd given up on... well everything. And so picking at it, rereading TRC solely for the purpose of writing this fic (which sparked a lot of meta posts that introduced me to all my lovely wonderful beautiful mutuals), realizing as I was going through it that I would be okay, I could still feel joy and light and do something I adore? The process of writing this fic has been so incredibly healing for me. And it sprang from me randomly clicking open an old google drive folder and going, "oh fuck! I forgot about this! hmm I miss TRC. I should try this out again." And BOOM! Six months later and I'm still okay and alive and breathing and I can write again? Which is the biggest deal. Not writing felt like losing a limb. And seriously it feels so so damn ridiculous because I don't even think the fic is good enough to warrant that reaction from me, but it served as a catalyst to some of the writing I am able to do now. Like my weird attachment to it is that it opened doors for me because it was a creative outlet in a time when I was truly struggling to feel like myself. I felt like I was healing my inner teenager.

WHICH IS TO WRAP THIS UP and say that... I might finish it. But something about it, the way it is, feels so disjointed, like I'm trying to join two concepts that couldn't manage to sync. And it's got so much personal history woven into it. Which, once again, feels so fucking bizarre because it is the result of me going, "heh lol I wanna write a superhero balcony kiss" at 2am while my friend forced water down me and drove me home sobbing in her backseat. This fic has syncopated to the emotional beats of my life and I cannot tell how I feel about that. There are bits I would be genuinely disappointed not to share. Debating posting the original first kiss scene I had (which won't even make the final fic edit anyway because I had to change the fucking plot. it has grown so much.) because that is a product I am so proud of that I fear may never actually see the light of day. But yeah it is... I might finish it. I probably will. But I need to wrangle my voice and take my time and let it flow. And that required pulling it down to snip and trim and rewrite. I feel so conflicted on it, and I don't think I like it... all that much? Just pieces of it. So I'm incredibly conflicted on it. But I will keep picking at it, for me.

In the meantime, I'm still writing. I've got a lot of ideas kicking around. The problem is I write like its my diary and not like a story and that makes sharing my words so absolutely terrifying. I've had to work on intrinsic motivation (as a people pleaser to the extreme) and writing what I want to write and just knowing it'll be better for it.

Sorry for the massive massive rambling. But the moral of the story is, actually, that I can blame my getting back into TRC and improving my mental health on Robert Fucking Patterson I will never escape Twilight as long as I live and breathe.

#you're lovely and i appreciate you btw #ok this was a lot sorry to speak on myself so much but this fic has such a weird emotional turmoil in its conception #like ive reread chunks and jesus christtttt #but yeah i just need to pick at it #im working on my swimmer au and my kevaaron fic and some miscellaneous projects #but god i am just writing and falling in love with it again and it is so beautiful to read and write and love and cherish #c.ask #rambles #fieldsofred

2 notes · View notes

hotvinimon · 2 years ago

Text

The Match

Sawamura Daichi x Reader

Part 1

Plot : What's the best feeling you ever had ?? 4 times reader felt like having best feelings but one time, she was sure that this is the best feeling that she will cherish forever. A/N : Images are not mine. Credits to the owner. Likes, Comments and re-blogs are appreciated. Please don't steal my work. Enjoy ;) Warnings - English is my second language.

Master List

Swiping through a labyrinth of profiles on the latest trending dating app, the one that boasts finding the perfect partner like a genie fulfilling wishes, you finally struck gold. He was the needle in the haystack, a striking profile picture that made your heart race. A man of allure, with raven hair, piercing chocolate eyes, a muscular build, a charming smile, and a mature gaze. What's more, he was a public servant, a job title that would make your parents proud. Your best friend Aiko, who had been watching you scroll and swipe for what felt like an eternity, breathed a sigh of relief when your fingers came to a halt.

"7 pm, Sushitestsu, this weekend. Perfect," Aiko exclaimed, her voice filled with relief and a tinge of excitement. You, in turn, couldn't resist interjecting with a hint of sarcasm, "Are you finally happy, Aiko?"

Her response was quick, "Not entirely thrilled that you're going for someone I don't know, but at least you're giving it a shot. I'm going to find you the most incredible dress for your bachelorette, just in case."

You retorted, "I don't even know him, you know," a note of skepticism in your voice.

Aiko chimed in playfully, "Alright, fine. But do me a favor - bring out your inner Miss World that day, carry a pepper spray in your bag, and call me if anything happens."

"Okay, okay, Mom," you cut her off with a chuckle, and both of you shared a moment of laughter.

You and Aiko went way back, practically sharing the womb since kindergarten. From the sandbox to the high school locker rooms, you were inseparable. You'd walked side by side through the years. College may have scattered your paths, but it hadn't torn your friendship asunder. Now, both of you worked in different firms, yet lived under the same roof, sharing an apartment that had become a cherished space for both of you.

Weeks rolled into a weekend, and here you were, frantically trying to decide which dress to wear - an agonizing ordeal fueled by your remarkable procrastination skills. Everything that could go wrong seemed determined to do so. Eyeliner crisis, mascara mishap, foundation fiasco, and the dress dilemma. But for the sake of your long-suffering single status, you pushed through and, with an almost superhuman effort, arrived at the restaurant just 11 minutes and 36 seconds fashionably late. Yes, you were counting.

You began your search for the date who had, by now, occupied your thoughts, fearing he might have given up and left. Just when hope seemed to be dwindling, a tap on your shoulder startled you. There he was, the man you had right-swiped and matched with, his charming smile in full view, and his attire triggering déjà vu. "Is this Ms. L/N?" he asked. You stuttered out a feeble "Y-yes," inwardly cursing your own nervousness.

With a friendly smile, he extended his hand, "Hi, I'm Sawamura Daichi, and we have a date today." Your hand found its place in his, and after the whirlwind of anticipation and anxiety, a smile finally graced your lips.

Sawamura Daichi admitted with a touch of shyness, "I'm sorry, I had to come in my uniform as my shift just finished." You couldn't help but find his bashfulness utterly endearing, especially as he scratched the back of his neck.

"It's alright," you reassured him, "you look quite good in it." The puzzle pieces suddenly snapped into place - it was the Japanese police uniform. You couldn't help but feel a twinge of regret, mixed with intrigue, at the revelation that you were on a date with a police officer, and not just any officer, but the sub-head of the Community Safety Division.

The two of you found a seat and placed your orders, and the conversation flowed effortlessly. In many ways, Daichi was the polar opposite of you. He was reserved yet strong, youthful yet mature, fun-loving yet deeply respectful. It was a delicate balance that made him all the more captivating. His passion for his work was evident, and his deep voice had a comforting quality, like a familiar tune that you'd just discovered. As the evening progressed, you couldn't help but wonder if this was all too good to be true, if there was a hidden catch, like something out of a movie where handsome men lured innocent girls into elaborate scams.

For the first time in your life, you felt your focus shifting away from the tantalizing food in front of you, because maybe, just maybe, this was the best feeling you'd ever experienced. Your heart might have even skipped a beat, as you found yourself enthralled by something other than the sumptuous meal on your plate.

This enchanting meeting felt like the prologue to a story that had the potential to redefine the way you understood love and connections. It was a tale that was just beginning, a story that had all the makings of a captivating novel.

A bittersweet nostalgia filled the air as the evening sun dipped below the horizon, casting a warm glow on the two souls that had serendipitously found each other. In that moment, they were no longer just strangers, but two individuals at the cusp of a new adventure, ready to explore the uncharted territories of love and connection.

As you wrapped up your date with Sawamura Daichi and said your goodbyes, there was a palpable sense of anticipation in the air. It was a feeling that whispered promises of more laughter, shared moments, and perhaps, the kind of love that could last a lifetime. And so, with a heart that was now open to the infinite possibilities of romance, you embarked on this thrilling new chapter, knowing that the best feeling was just the beginning of a story waiting to be written.

Later that night :

Daichi <3 :

I hope you enjoyed the date and would love to join me next weekend again :)

With every passing moment, you realized that this could be the prelude to something magnificent, and that perhaps, the best feeling was yet to come.

V - Chan's Dilly Dally

You can skip this part

OMYGODOMYGODOMYGOD !!!

Here is the first part of the best feeling (reader x daichi). Im so happy that this came up finally.

Join the taglist by commenting "Taglist" for further updates and posts regarding this series.

Requests are open.

And also, for anyone who doesn't know, sushitetsu is actually a place in Miyagi, Japan. It even has a branch in London, England.

This one is japanese branch.

B-Bye

💗

#haikyuu #drabble #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu fic #haikyuu drabbles #haikyuu x reader #sawamura daichi #akaashi keji x reader #daichi x reader #karasuno #daichi sawamura #hq x reader #crack post #hq #hq drabbles #hq daichi #daichi x y/n #daichi x you

26 notes · View notes

fairyminnie444 · 4 months ago

Note

hello! i recently came across your blog and your posts have really helped me. sorry if my english is poorly written, first language is spanish. i had a question that came to me today during the morning. i personally have changed to my new state of all my desired self, just assuming that everything is done. the thing is that one of my manifestations apart from a complete change of physique and life, so is my SP, i don't like to call him like this we have been together 1 year and 5 months, we broke up"" a week and a half ago after going through a crisis of toxicity and fights, he told me he didn't love me and etc etc, i know it was a product of myself because before it had happened and i manifested back this relationship (really in love) but i fell in my old state where he told me that i was not loved that i was not like before. last night I did a SATS scene where I saw him and my new self reconciling, some physical changes for him only in height because I am manifesting a modeling career and being taller. after that I dreamt that it was all the same and I was just as bad as when it happened, that I could not eat I was terrible, I woke up super anxious and worried that it was not messed up, my question is, what is said about dreams in the law? I just assumed that it didn't affect anything and that maybe they are my fears or my old self reflecting me. I am so committed to embodying the woman I already am, that I assume that doubts and fears don't exist, plus I know that I have the power and it's all mine. i assume that doubts and fears do not exist, plus i know that i have the power and it is all mine. before i told myself that persisting was to do infinite techniques, do sats every night, etc. but now i simply affirm and care about my internal dialogue, i assume that knowing that it is mine and simply persisting in it is mine. thank you very much in advance if you read it :( i feel quite calm it is just my old self clinging sometimes and of course the doubt of my dream that was really a NIGHTMARE. i know i am destined to be that model, with that life, money, car and relationship. ilyy 🫶🏻

Regarding your dream and feelings, it’s important to remember that dreams and old fears are simply reflections of where your mind used to be. In the law of assumption, we know that everything is about the state you are embodying in the moment. When you shift your state, it’s normal for your old self to show up in dreams or fears as a kind of residual energy(I had this a lotttttttt), but it doesn’t mean it’s influencing your current reality. You’re doing the right thing by assuming that your fears and doubts don’t exist. Dreams are just like any thought or feeling—they don’t have power unless you give them power. So, it’s okay if you experience them; what matters is how you respond.

When it comes to persistence, you’re right: it’s not about constantly doing techniques. It’s about being secure in your assumption that it’s already done. The more you focus on your inner dialogue, as you’re doing, the more you reinforce your new state. Trust that the 3D will reflect your inner assumption, and don’t let any old fears or dreams shake you. The more you stay in the state of knowing it’s done, the less those doubts will even have space to grow.

As for your SP and your new self, it’s all about embodying the version of you that already has everything you desire. The shifts you’re making in your body and your life are yours already—stay in that knowing. The moment you fully embody that new self, the 3D will have no choice but to reflect that. Trust that your manifesting power is strong and the universe is aligning everything for you.

Stay calm, keep assuming what you want, and allow yourself to step fully into that reality you know is yours. You’ve got this. Sending lots of love and confidence your way!

#law of assumption #loassumption #loa tumblr #manifesting

4 notes · View notes

neondiamond · 2 years ago

Text

Because I Found You

1.2k | by neondiamond

Louis stumbles upon a poem Harry wrote about him.

A follow-up to Inner Crisis

Written for week 1 of the @wordplayfics challenge.

Read it now on Ao3!

#hlficlibrary #tracksintheam #hlsource #hltracks #ficsfor4am #thelarriefics #hljournal #fics #my fics #wordplay #because i found you

64 notes · View notes

setoangel01-fanfiction · 2 years ago

Text

When I First Saw You

Zerith Week 2023 - Day 1 - Love at First Sight

Fandom: FFVII FFVII: Crisis Core Final Fantasy VII / 7 Remake

Pairing: Zack Fair x Aerith Gainsborough (Zerith)

Rated: T

Story Summary: An AU in which Aerith meets Zack while selling flowers on Loveless Avenue. As terrified she is of the sky and this SOLDIER she knows she should steer clear of, it's all too easy to get lost in the stars glistening in his eyes.

>>>>><<<<<

Heart hammering against her sternum. Palms sweating and knuckles turning white as she held onto the brown whisker basket clutched in tight fists. Meadow green eyes darting to and fro amongst the crowd of people all acting like she wasn't even there.

It was the first time Aerith came topside and already she was regretting ever coming.

The words of her mother's disapproving voice and Aerith, being headstrong and now technically an adult at 18, refused to listen, but right now she desperately wishes she had.

Sector 5 was safe. Home. The people all there knew her and appreciated her. The kids at the Leaf House always clung to her skirts and looked at her like she was their big sister. The adults in the Sector always happy to have her help around their businesses or brightening up their lives with the flowers she'd been growing since she was a child and stumbled upon the fledgling garden in the church…

But not these Topside People.

Sector 8, The Loveless District was turning out to be absolutely terrifying. Yet it wasn't the fact that people didn't spare her or her flowers any attention or even look at her when she spoke. Even the rude man who bumped into her and made her drop her basket didn't even say sorry!

…Yet that wasn't what was bothering her…

It was the sky.

Even darkened by night and sprinkled with stars from the little she saw amidst the smog and clouds - she felt sick just by its sheer enormity…

Aerith's heart thumped painfully harder and she felt the beginnings of sweat lining her brow as she tried to keep her eyes away from it yet there was this pull, this tether that wouldn't let her be. Feet shifting, Aerith made sure the coast was clear before backing up closer to the building behind her. It didn't help like she hoped it would.

All the Flower Girl could do now was curse her own damned stubbornness.

Selling flowers to the much richer residents of Midgar to help her mother with bills now sounded like the dumbest idea on the Planet and yet if she left now, she'd just be proving her mother right… Maybe just a little longer. She'd sold a few flowers thus far and she told herself if she only made just a few more sales that would be enough to at least make the trip topside hopefully worth the effort.

It had to be.

That still didn't stop her hands from shaking…

"Woah! Are those flowers real?" a voice said from right beside her and Aerith had to clench every muscle to keep from screaming at the sudden interruption into her chaotic thoughts. She had half a mind to tell whoever it was off for scaring her yet when she turned to greet the owner of the voice, her tongue wouldn't move.

Peering at the man who interrupted her inner torment, the entire world froze around her.

Standing in front of her was a man a full head taller than her with broad shoulders, thick sinewy bare arms, sun-kissed skin and raven hair that looked a little ridiculous in the way it seemed to defy gravity with the black spikes falling down akin to quills.

Yet as nice as he already looked, it was his face that seized her heart like it was caught in a merciless vice grip.

Never in her life had she seen a more beautiful man. She never even thought she could call a man 'beautiful' until this moment - but he was. Strong cheekbones and a sharp chiseled jaw, he was clean shaven with thin well manicured brows and regal looking nose. All gorgeous features made more rugged and handsome when accompanied by the cross-shaped scar adorning his left cheek.

But nothing could compare to those eyes.

Dark blue suffused with an undertone of an array of violets even more vibrant than the flowers she grew in her garden, the beauty of a galaxy all encompassed by a ring of bright green. The glow from streetlights and the stars overhanging in the terrifying sky glittered in his iris.

Never had she seen more beautiful eyes…

Aerith heart galloped like a stampede of Chocobo in her chest.

Those fickle childhood dreams and admittedly sappy and quite ridiculous romance novels that spoke of this very feeling suffusing in her chest. The very idea of falling head over heels in love at first sight felt almost poignant as she found herself lost in his bewitching gaze. She'd never taken the idea of such a thing to heart especially when living in Midgar amidst the poverty and stricken populace suffering beneath the towering steel sky.

Yet as she fell into that cloudless blue skies of his eyes, she wondered if perhaps this was what it felt like…

But the lofty idea of love at first sight truly was only for fairy tales when she suddenly allowed herself to take in the harsh reality in front of her.

It was only now that her eyes left his own that she noticed the blatantly obvious SOLDIER garb. The very moment when Aerith plummeted down back into the Planet from her castle in the sky. For as devastatingly handsome as this man was, as breathtaking a sight as he was, it was all a cruel mirage. He was a SOLDIER, let alone one from First Class given the black turtleneck he wore, and any SOLDIER, no matter the rank, was a sign of nothing but trouble. Her entire life, she'd been warned relentlessly to stay away from anyone who worked for Shinra.

This man should be no different yet every single sense of wanting to run fled the second he smiled at her.

"...So… Are those real?" he asked again and Aerith's face burned like Ifrit's hellfire when she realized she'd never answered him and instead had been staring like an absolute idiot, basically ogling the man, for who knows how long.

Lowering her head and staring at the yellow and white lilies filling her basket in order to hide her reddened face she finally replied. "Yes! Yes… They're real." Not wanting to act like a petulant child in front of him and her own stubbornness, Aerith lifted her head (blushing cheeks be damned) and looked up at him. "I grow them myself actually." she stated proudly.

There was no way she was going to let a stupidly handsome SOLDIER make her cower.

Yet the man merely smiled wider showing off ridiculously white teeth that was only more evident against his tanned skin. "Really?" he asked excitedly. "That's amazing! I had no idea you could even grow flowers in Midgar. Or grow anything really given all the veg and stuff has to be imported." The man's head lifted up and against her will, her heart skipped a beat when he suddenly winked at her. "You must have quite the green thumb."

With little else to say without giving out the real reason for the plants growth, Aerith replied, "Yeah. I've been gardening since I was a kid." And instantly cursed herself for even saying that! He didn't need to know anything personal about her so Aerith bit her tongue.

"Well, it shows." the SOLDIER said with a nod before he reached into his pocket and Aerith instinctively wanted to immediately take a step back but forcefully kept her feet planted regardless of how much every instinct told her to run.

Shinra meant nothing but trouble.

Shinra meant nothing good.

And that included everyone who worked there… Yet she refused to be afraid. The mastered ice materia lingering in her pocket made her feel secure knowing whatever this guy was planning could be deterred at least long enough to give her time to escape regardless.

Aerith may be a bit naive but she was far from stupid or ill-prepared.

Yet nothing happened other than the man taking pulling out his wallet. Aerith bit back a smile knowing if the man was in Sector 5, leaving a wallet in his pocket was just asking to be stolen from by the many pick-pocketing kids in the sector.

"How much for a dozen?" he asked with genuine interest.

A dozen flowers and any ill-intentions she believed this SOLDIER had dissipated. The man probably just got off work and just wanted to buy flowers for a wife or girlfriend and now she just felt shitty for even thinking he'd kidnap some flower seller (because that's all she was, dammit, regardless of what the Turks believed) in the midst of the crowd going about their business around them.

It still didn't stop her from feeling a bit bitter that she found an obviously-taken man so attractive in the first place, Aerith stated "Fifty Gil," more than the typically 3 gil per flower she had been charging the rich residents who lived here.

The man flashed her a strange look, but before Aerith could lower the price in fear he'd think she was swindling him, he spoke up, "Wait. That's it? You need to be charging more than that. Before she could say anything, he'd placed 100 gil bill in her hand like you'd toss a crumbled piece of paper in the trash bin. "Here. Keep the change." he stated and Aerith didn't even have the heart to tell him she didn't even have enough money to make change for that amount.

Aerith stared down at the paper gil in her hand like she'd never saw such a thing. So many emotions bombarded her at once but it all faded when he merely continued smiling with his head tilted a bit to the side. Almost like a puppy.

The sight made Aerith smile beside her better judgement, a bit of a hysterical laugh at her lips as she carefully folded and hid the largest monetary bill she'd ever held safely in her small coin purse. Money safely sequestered away, Aerith than began gathering a dozen of the most fresh beautiful lilies, six of white and six of yellow with long stems and bright green leaves with no wilted petals.

"So…" Aerith said conversationally as she arranged them, "You and your wife have an anniversary or some other occasion to celebrate or something?"

The look on his face was comical. His cheeks flushed scarlet and his eyes grew huge. "No!" he stated quickly. "I'm single! I - I mean, I'm not married so no wife, or girlfriend currently. Actually. I. …Heh." he lifted his hand to rub at the back of his head in an adorably bashful motion.

"Oh. Then who are these for?" Aerith couldn't help the teasing lit to her voice and the smile pulling at her lips.

"The flowers are actually for my ma." he said with a smile that warmed her right down to her toes, "She's here visiting from Gongaga. Being in SOLDIER, we really don't get much time off so I didn't have time to go visit so her and my dad decided to stop by instead. So, when I saw those flowers, I knew I had to get her some. Me and her actually used to grow some that looked a lot like that when I was a kid but they didn't handle the jungle weather too well so they always died off." he finished with a shrug and all the trepidation at this man and his intentions, regardless of his profession and employer, faded away instantly.

"That's really very sweet," Aerith said genuinely, "I bet she'll love them."

The SOLDIER smiled bashfully at her compliment and let out a nervous chuckle as he rubbed the back of his head again. Damn, he was just too cute. Incredibly handsome and cute as hell - a deadly combination. And just like that, he'd became almost distracting as she forcefully pulled her eyes away from him.

Aerith gathered the prettiest flowers together, arranging them in a bunch before she finished by tying the beautiful bouquet together with a pink ribbon she cut from the spool located at the bottom of the basket.

"All finished! Here you go," Aerith presented the bouquet to him with a flourish.

The man smiled as he reached for the flowers and a tingle went from the top of her head to the bottom of her heels when the leather of his glove brushed her hand. To have such a visceral reaction without even skin to skin contact was nearly electrifying - who was this man and why was he making her feel this way? It was as if she was basking in a fire yet plunged into an icy bath at the same time. Such a dichotomy of emotions she could hardly articulate yet the feeling was already addicting.

"Thanks so much! I really appreciate it." he said with a beaming smile that put the sun to shame with its illumination and sheer warmth. "Hope you have a good night and maybe I'll see you around." With a lazy salute and other arm cradling the precious bouquet to his broad chest, the man turned around and began walking away with a confident stride.

The clamoring voices, sounds of cars and the life around her she hadn't even heard suddenly blared in her ears. How lost she had been in that man's orbit…and she never even got to know his name…

A sudden fear overtook her and it wasn't one of the sky threatening to swallow her whole. Like the Planet was screaming and pulling her tightly to this tether that he rested at the other end.

A deep rooted fear that if she let him leave, she may never see him again.

She couldn't let that happen…

Feeling brave and finally obeying the pull of her heart as it reached for him, she called out, "Wait!"

The man immediately halted in his tracks as Aerith stepped forward to close the distance between them. Heart pounding and palms sweating yet she refused to show anything but a smile and cool confidence even if all the things she'd been taught about Shinra and all who worked for it were ignored in that beautiful face and bright blue eyes looking at her with genuine intrigue.

"You forgot this. Here." Aerith's hands were trembling as she reached out and slipped a single yellow lily into the strap of his SOLDIER armor. The golden flower against the slate black of his First Class Turtleneck made a beautiful contrast much like his black hair and intense blue eyes. "On the house."

Aerith's heart pounded, her palms sweating yet she dared not look away from his eyes.

The varying emotions as he looked at the flower than back to her face filled her chest with a strange form of trepidation and excitement. The world grew quiet again - like they were the only two people on the Planet. The very Planet and its voice a gentle, satisfied hum echoing in her heart as she watched the SOLDIER's enchanting blue eyes light up and he flashed her a crooked smile. He didn't even appeared bothered or ashamed of the gentle hint of coral blush staining his cheeks knowing the apples of her own were probably painted cherry red.

"Thanks," his voice was like a melody she never wanted to hear the end of.

"You're welcome. It suits you," Aerith smiled softly, her heart leaping as she watched him suddenly reach out a hand to her.

The man smiled. "I'm Zack," he introduced himself and the name struck something in her. Like she'd heard it for the first time out of a million more. Like she'd already known it and it echoed on the cusp of her tongue.

"Hi, Zack. I'm Aerith," she replied, gently grasping at his warm hand. The world continued around them and yet it felt as if nothing yet everything had changed as he gently gripped her hand and shook it.

Zack smiled, his eyes sparkling as he looked at her as if seeing her for the first time yet there was a familiarity in that gaze he didn't bother hiding, "It's nice to meet you…" he said before chuckling when he realized he hadn't stopped shaking her hand. He gently let it go and Aerith reluctantly let him and grasped the handle of her flower basket instead of latching on to his hand never to let go.

What was happening to her?

"Hey, uh. I was wondering. I-If you're not busy some time next week - would you let me buy you a coffee?" he asked.

Aerith let a teasing smile lift the corners of her mouth, "No."

Shock filled Zack's face, his expression looked like a kicked puppy for only a second before Aerith chimed in again with a sunny smile.

"I actually don't drink coffee, but you could buy me a cup of hot cocoa or tea."

Zack's face lit up again like it was Yule morning. White teeth greeting her between tempting lips as he replied, "Really? Awesome! S-Sure. I could even get you both!" he said excitedly and Aerith didn't bother holding back a giggle at his eagerness. He was so damn adorable.

Aerith flashed him a coy smile. "I guess it's a date.

"I can't wait," Zack replied with a wink before pulling out his PHS and handing it to her. Aerith's palms tingled as he placed the phone in her hand so she could type in her number and leaving her name with a flower emoji after it.

"So you won't forget who I am," she said while handing it back.

Zack looked down at what she'd typed and flashed her a heart-stopping grin, "You don't ever have to worry about that."

"Oh stop it, you!" Aerith giggled, face flaming as she pushed at his shoulder and although it was akin to moving a house, he allowed her anyway. His laughter as beautiful as church bells ringing on a bright Sunday morning. Everything about him nearly took her breath straight out of her lungs in the best way possible.

Zack chuckled but his eyes caught the time on his PHS and his eyes grew wide, "Dammit, I gotta go! My parents are waiting at the restaurant. But um, I'll call you so we can plan out when to meet next week, 'kay?" Zack said.

"I can't wait," she rehashed his previous words back to him. Zack smiled, turning around and giving her a lazy salute, he took off faster than she'd expected, even from a SOLDIER. He soon disappeared into the bustling crowd and left her standing in the street feeling as if the world came back into focus.

It felt as if nothing yet everything changed with that single interaction. There was still a crowd of people milling about, the too loud conversations, the music blaring from nearby restaurants and shops, people still bumped into her occasionally yet it didn't bother her… not even the sky above did.

Looking up, Aerith glanced into the dark night now free of clouds and all she saw was the dark blue and violet of his eyes, the flecks of mako from the reactors leaving streaks of green like the ring around his iris.

No, that wasn't so scary anymore…

Aerith's PHS suddenly buzzed in her pocket with an unknown number on the screen. A smile overtaking her face as she read the message inside.

"Hey its Zack! Thanks again for the flowers! my ma did love them btw. Ill text you my schedule when I get it 2maro so we can set a date. Have a goodnight. ;-) " it read and Aerith couldn't help but smile.

It was strange. She'd just met him yet she felt as if she'd known him her whole life already or even every lifetime. A feeling of rightness settling deep in her chest as she put her flower basket on her arm before writing him back, "I knew she would! Moms always love flowers. They're a perfect gift! Have a nice time with your parents. Yes, please let me know when you're free. I'm looking forward to it, Zack. You have a good night too." before she could second guess herself, she pressed send.

Placing the PHS back in her pocket, Aerith glanced back up at the sky and instead of fear, she smiled instead.

There was a warmth in her chest. A warm fuzzy flickering fire resting comfortably underneath her sternum as she took in the sky that reminded her of his eyes.

It was way too soon to tell, and Aerith had never known what it was like to be in love, but she imagined it felt a lot like this…

#zack fair #aerith gainsbrough #zack x aerith #zerith #zerith week #zerith week 2023 #love at first sight #fanfiction #zerith fanfiction

3 notes · View notes

vaibhavsharma24 · 13 days ago

Text

Instant Insight, Ancient Wisdom: Why GenZ Trusts Online Astrology

For a generation raised on Wi-Fi, TikTok, and mental health awareness, it might seem surprising that Gen Z is turning to something as ancient as astrology. But dig a little deeper, and the connection makes perfect sense.

Today’s youth—often labeled restless or distracted—are actually more curious, spiritually aware, and emotionally intelligent than ever. In an age of information overload and social pressure, online astrology has emerged as a go-to guide for those seeking real answers in real time.

Platforms like AstroSevaTalk are bridging the gap between ancient Vedic wisdom and modern tech, allowing users to chat with astrologer live, generate detailed birth charts, and find personalized guidance—all with a few taps on a screen.

So why is Gen Z embracing astrology so wholeheartedly? Let’s explore.

🌟 1. Clarity in Chaos

Gen Z is navigating life in a world of constant change—economic uncertainty, career pivots, identity shifts, and a global mental health crisis. Amidst all this, astrology offers something powerful: clarity.

A quick birth chart reading can provide insight into:

Career direction and timing

Emotional patterns and anxiety triggers

Relationship compatibility

Life purpose and soul lessons

Instead of relying on generic advice, astrology gives personalized insight that feels accurate and empowering.

📱 2. Astrology is Digital Now

Gone are the days of dusty almanacs and waiting weeks for an appointment. Thanks to platforms like AstroSevaTalk, astrology is now:

Instant

Mobile-friendly

Available 24/7

Visually interactive (charts, reports, dashboards)

With options like free chat with astrologer, Gen Z can explore astrology without pressure or upfront payment. This makes it accessible, inclusive, and user-first—exactly what this generation values.

💬 3. Real Conversations, Not Just Horoscopes

Gen Z craves real-time connection, not vague predictions. That’s why live astrology consultations are booming. Instead of reading generic daily horoscopes, users now ask:

“Why do I feel stuck even when everything looks fine?”

“When will I find my soulmate?”

“Am I in the right career?”

“How do I navigate this anxiety?”

Through chat, voice, or video calls, astrologers interpret birth charts, explain planetary influences, and offer remedies like mantras, rituals, or gemstone suggestions. This creates a more interactive and healing experience—not just consumption.

🧘 4. Mental Health Meets Spiritual Insight

Gen Z is open about therapy, trauma healing, and inner work. But many also realize that psychology alone doesn’t answer everything. That’s where astrology steps in—not as a replacement, but as a complement.

A birth chart can reveal:

Emotional blockages tied to Moon or Rahu

Confidence issues rooted in Sun or Saturn placement

Past life karmic imprints influencing current fears

Astrology allows Gen Z to view their challenges without shame—as spiritual lessons rather than personal failures.

✨ 5. Custom, Not Cookie-Cutter

Gen Z is the generation of personalization. From playlists to career paths, they want everything to reflect who they are.

That’s exactly what astrology offers. Every chart is unique. No two people—even twins—have identical energy maps. This level of custom insight is deeply validating in a world of filters, comparisons, and pressure to conform.

📈 Why Gen Z Loves AstroSevaTalk

AstroSevaTalk stands out for Gen Z because:

✅ You can Talk with astrologer

✅ The platform is mobile-first and easy to use

✅ Verified astrologers are available 24/7

✅ Language and astrologer type filters add flexibility

✅ It’s safe, non-judgmental, and culturally inclusive

Whether you’re dealing with heartbreak, burnout, career crossroads, or existential confusion—AstroSevaTalk helps decode it all with your birth chart as the guide.

🧪 Real Users, Real Shifts

Ananya, 24, says: “I was questioning my life purpose constantly. After chatting with an astrologer on AstroSevaTalk, I realized my Dasha period was causing the confusion. With that awareness, I stopped doubting myself.”

Ishaan, 21, shares: “I had terrible anxiety before job interviews. My astrologer pointed out a Mercury affliction and gave me mantras. It honestly changed how I prepare mentally.”

These aren’t superstitions. They’re tools for emotional and energetic awareness—something Gen Z values more than any generation before.

#chat with astrologer #freechatwithastrologer #kundalimatching #talk to astrologer for free #love astrology

0 notes

youforgotmyname · 11 months ago

Text

21 has been a big year for me!! in honor of turning 22 tomorrow here are things I did/milestones I hit this last year that I’m incredibly proud of:

1. got through a hard breakup

2. flew by myself to California, had the trip go horribly wrong, and survived

3. bought a car, paid for it in full

4. started to dress/express myself in a way that felt more “me”

5. recognized that I have attachment issues and have been putting in the mental work to understand myself and to change my patterns

6. went through somewhat of an identity crisis about my attraction to other people and then realized it’s not that deep

7. got a poem published in both of my school’s literary journals, one of which accepts international submissions (!!)

8. have been reconnecting with my inner child and slowly healing my self esteem issues

9. picked up running again! I run 9 miles a week now and am hoping to bump that up to 12 or 15 soon.

10. wrote a short story for school that has gotten me lots of great feedback

11. got a tattoo!

12. got kinda indirectly rejected recently, but I’m fine with it? Which is a first :D

13. have decided to be weird and intense on main rather than worrying about random people’s opinions

14. my outlook on life has shifted. overall I am doing much better than I ever have been, I’m not the same person I was even 6 months ago.

This summer has been hard but I’m really proud of myself and the person I’m slowly becoming!

#digital diary

0 notes

antiporn-activist · 2 years ago

Text

The crisis in American girlhood

Stark findings on the pervasive sadness, suicidal thoughts and sexual violence endured by teen girls have jolted parents and the wider public

By Donna St. George, Katherine Reynolds Lewis and Lindsey Bever

February 17, 2023

When Sophie Nystuen created a website for teens who had experienced trauma, her idea was to give them space to write about the hurt they couldn’t share. The Brookline, Mass., 16-year-old received posts about drug use and suicide. But a majority wrote about sexual violence.

These expressions of inner crisis are just a glint of the startling data reported by federal researchers this week. Nearly 1 in 3 high school girls said they had considered suicide, a 60 percent rise in the past decade. Nearly 14 percent had been forced to have sex. About 6 in 10 girls were so persistently sad or hopeless they stopped regular activities.

The new report represents nothing short of a crisis in American girlhood. The findings have ramifications for a generation of young women who have endured an extraordinary level of sadness and sexual violence — and present uncharted territory for the health advocates, teachers, counselors and parents who are trying to help them.

The data comes from the Youth Risk Behavior Survey, conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention from a nationally representative sample of students in public and private high schools. “America’s teen girls are engulfed in a growing wave of sadness, violence and trauma,” the CDC said.

“It’s alarming,” Education Secretary Miguel Cardona said Thursday of the report. “But as a father of a 16-year-old and 19-year-old, I hear about it. It’s real. I think students know what’s going on. I think sometimes the adults are just now realizing how serious it is.”

But high school girls are speaking out, too, about stresses that started before the pandemic — growing up in a social media culture, with impossible beauty standards, online hate, academic pressure, economic difficulties, self doubt and sexual violence. The isolation and upheaval of covid made it tougher still.

‘Teens are really good at hiding it.’

When Caroline Zuba started cutting her arms in ninth grade, she felt trapped: by conflict at home, by the school work that felt increasingly meaningless, by the image her friends and teachers had of a bubbly, studious girl. Cutting replaced the emotional pain with a physical pain.

She confided in a trusted teacher, who brought in the school counselors and her mother. But Zuba’s depression worsened and, at age 15, she attempted suicide. That sparked the first of a series of hospitalizations over the summer and subsequent school.

Now a 17-year-old junior at a public high school in Potomac, Md., Zuba relies on therapy, medication, exercise and coping strategies. She started a mental health club at her high school to support classmates also struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts.

At the lowest point of her depression, she said, she kept many secrets from her friends, parents and teachers because she felt stuck in her role: a cheerful high achiever who had it all together.

“My mom’s like my best friend, and there’s no way she would have ever expected it,” Zuba said. “Teens are really good at hiding it, which is really sad.”

Internalizing conflict, stress and fear

While the teen mental health crisis was clear before the CDC report, the stark findings have jolted parents and the wider public.

“These are not normal numbers,” said Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy. “When you grow up with this, I think the risk is thinking, ‘Well, this is just how it is.’”

The reasons girls are in crisis are probably complex, and may vary by race, ethnicity, class and culture. Harvard psychologist Richard Weissbourd points out that “girls are more likely to respond to pain in the world by internalizing conflict and stress and fear, and boys are more likely to translate those feelings into anger and aggression,” masking their depression.

Weissbourd added that girls also are socialized not to be aggressive and that in a male-dominated culture girls can be gaslit into thinking there is something wrong with them when problems or conflicts arise. “They can be prone to blaming themselves,” he said.

Jean Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego State University and author of the book “iGen,” said that increases in most measures of poor mental health in the past decade were more pronounced for girls than boys.

She said part of the problem is that digital media has displaced the face-to-face time teens once had with friends, and that teens often don’t get enough sleep. Adding to those influences are the hours teens spend scrolling social media. For girls, she said, this often means “comparing your body and your life to others and feeling that you come up wanting.”

That’s not to say everything that people do on smartphones is problematic, Twenge said. “It’s just social media in general and internet use show the strongest correlations with depression,” she said.

Ben Handrich, a school counselor at South Salem High School in Salem, Ore., said teen girls often feel that “people are watching them — that no matter what they do, there’s this invisible audience judging their movements, their actions, the way they smile, the way they eat.”

Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and author of “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers,” said it’s important to note that the CDC data was collected in the fall of 2021, a time when many teens were anxious about returning to in-person school and wearing masks.

“Teenagers were miserable,” Damour said. “It absolutely confirms what we were looking at clinically at that time. We don’t know what the next wave of data will tell us.”

Damour noted that the CDC findings are distressing because today’s teens, in many ways, are in better physical health and more risk-averse than most previous generations.

“We’re raising the best-behaved generation of teenagers on record,” said Damour. “They drive with seat belts, they smoke less, they have less sex, they wear helmets. They do all these things that we did not do.”

And yet they are in crisis.

Whistles and ‘gross comments’

Many girls across the country describe teen cultures of casual slut-shaming, of peers greeting girls with sexist slurs such as “whore” or “ho,” based on what they wear or how they look.

In Los Angeles, Elida Mejia Elias says it’s a no-win situation. “If you’re skinny, they judge you for being skinny and if you’re fat, they judge you for being fat,” explains the 18-year-old, a senior.

In ninth grade, a friend of Mejia Elias’s sent a naked picture of herself to a boy she was dating, at his urging, and he spread it around to his friends. “Everyone was talking bad about her. They were calling her names, like ‘ho,’” said Mejia Elias. “That affected her mental health. She needed to get therapy.”

In Maryland, at her Bethesda public high school, 14-year-old Tulip Kaya said that girls in her friend group hear whistles or “gross comments” about their breasts and are texted unsolicited penis pictures by boys at school. “If there’s anything slightly unique about you, you’re not going to have a fun time, and you will be targeted,” she said.

Social media can be overwhelming. “On Snapchat and TikTok, you see all these pretty girls with tiny waists and a big bottom. I know I’m only 14, but it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with myself,” Kaya said. “When I start to feel like that, I will delete the app for a little while.”

Girls interviewed by The Post expressed uncertainty and self-doubt over everything from what to wear, what to post or comment on social media, what it meant if someone wasn’t following them back on a social platform, and even in daily interactions. When in-person school resumed, during the fall of 2021 for many, routine encounters and moments felt weird after a year or more of separation from peers.

“Sometimes I don’t want to wear shorts because I don’t have the body type I had in middle school,” said Leilah Villegas, of Eastvale, Calif., who ran track before the pandemic. Now in 10th grade, she’s started running again, but her changed body brings pangs of self-consciousness.

Aanika Arjumand, 16, from Gaithersburg, Md., who sits on her county’s Domestic Violence Coordinating Council, said she was not surprised by the increases in sexual violence.

“We deal with a lot of cases on like teen dating violence and kind of informing schools about teen dating violence because the health curriculum right now basically does not cover abuse or sexual violence as much as it should,” she said.

School itself can sometimes be physically unsafe, as happened with Harker, a 13-year-old in Savannah, Ga., who spoke on the condition that her full name not be used because of the sensitivity of the issue.

At school, she received unwanted attention from a boy in sixth grade. He would whisper in her ears and grab her shoulders. Once, he seized her across her chest and did not release her until she screamed. A teacher was nearby, but she said the boy went unpunished and remained in her classes. The teen has resorted to learning at home.

“They didn’t believe me even though there were witnesses,” she said. “A boy in school can get away with something, but if I do one mess-up, I get called out for it.

Unrealistic beauty standards and financial pressure

At the Bronx High School of Science in New York, 17-year-old Najiha Uddin talks about a White beauty standard perpetuated in mainstream and social media, which she says girls of color can’t possibly meet. She and others describe status-oriented peers and media messages about shoes, clothes, styles and experiences that outstrip their families’ means.

For Montanna Norman, 18, a senior at a private high school in Washington during the fall of 2021, the killing of unarmed Black men by police was foremost in her mind after the murder of George Floyd. At the time she was the co-leader of her school’s Black Student Union. “The toll that that took on my mental health was a lot,” she said.

Some of her friends have contemplated, or attempted, suicide, Norman said. “You wish you could do more to help,” she said.

Garvey Mortley, a 14-year-old in Bethesda, Md., who is Black, said she has been teased because of her hair and still feels microaggressions. “Racism can be a stressor for depression or a cause of depression because of the bullying that happens, not just Black kids but Asian kids and Hispanic kids who feel they are unwanted,” she said.

Students who are LGBTQ face some of the highest rates of depressive symptoms and sexual violence, including rape. In 2021, nearly 1 in 4 reported an attempt to take their life.

Rivka Vizcardo-Lichter, a student activist in Virginia, pointed out that high school is a time when many LGBTQ students are still figuring out who they are and solidifying their identity. “Even if you have an accepting environment around you, you are aware that there are millions of people who don’t want you to exist,” she said.

Waking up to a nightmare

Some of the most alarming data collected by the CDC involved the rise in suicidal thoughts among teen girls — 24 percent of teen girls have made a plan for suicide while 13 percent have attempted it, almost twice the rate for boys.

Rich and Trinna Walker, from New Albany, Ind., searched for a therapist for their 13-year-old daughter Ella but struggled to find one in the overloaded mental health-care system during the pandemic. Once Ella finally started treatment, however, her demeanor seemed to improve, they said.

“I really felt like she was doing so much better,” Trinna Walker said. Ella had been asking her dad how she could earn extra money to buy a birthday gift for her sister. She told her mom she wanted doughnuts for breakfast.

“Then we woke up to a nightmare the next morning,” Trinna said.

Ella died by suicide on Jan. 22, 2022. Her parents said they wish someone would have alerted them to the warning signs. Unknown to them, Ella was being bullied, and she was devastated by a breakup, they said.

Now the couple is urging teens to speak up when their peers are in trouble. “It was like a bomb going off,” Rich Walker said. “It’s like it mortally wounded my wife and me and Ella’s two older sisters, and then it reverberated outwardly to her friends.”

Listen to girls

Many of the girls interviewed for this story asked that adults listen to and believe girls, and stop dismissing their concerns as drama. “Adults don’t get all the pressure that teenage girls have to deal with, from appearance to the way they act to how smart they are, to the things they do,” said Villegas, the Eastvale 10th-grader. “It can be very overwhelming.”

Asma Tibta, a 10th-grader in Fairfax County, Va., said she is “close friends” with her mother but doesn’t talk about mental health at home. “I haven’t told her too much. And I don’t plan to.”

In Savannah, Harker took a break from playing “Roblox” with her friend to be interviewed. Before heading back to the game, she had one request: “I want adults to believe young girls.”

They covered every possible angle and factor, except one.

141 notes · View notes

celinolesunshine · 3 years ago

Text

Eyes Colored Sun, Mouth Like The Moon

A SUN/MOON X GN! READER FANFIC

CHAPTER FIVE: overheat

chap. 1 || chap. 2 || chap. 3 || chap. 4 || chap. 5

~~~~~~~~~~

‘Bright like the sun’, they said. That’s when they decided to call you 'sunflower’, because they couldn’t read your nametag. He called you 'starlight’, because of how you shone in his eyes.

It didn’t take long to warm up to the dual persona of the daycare attendant, and somehow you found yourself.. drawn to them? You weren’t sure, but you had the feeling you would be in it for the long haul.

It was only after months of working alongside them, however, you began to notice a change in Moon. he was… different. More distant, perhaps; and a shorter fuse to boot. They had you invested, and you were determined to figure out what was wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~

you've gotten sleep, but.. Thómas is having a bit of a crisis.

Oh yeah; Sunny is, too.

overheat

When you wake up, you immediately take note of the fact that you’re significantly better rested than you had been in weeks.

You look up to see a slightly disgruntled Moon, still cradling you in his arms. Once you realise this, you can feel every point of contact from where your body meets his. A hand on your knee, an ankle grazing your inner calf, a forearm buried against your hip and the cushion you’re laid upon.

He’s peering down at you and twitching in all of these weird ways beneath you, and when you met his eyes, you were startled to find them blazing bright red again. Had the rewire failed already?

“You okay, Moondrop? Buddy?” you exhale in relief as Moon’s eyes blink white, and then back to blue as he hears your voice.

As much as he can muster, he smiles.

“I.. wanted to watch you.. Wake, st-starlight. It’s too.. too bright– Sun’s awak-awake, wants to.. see you, but.. I had to.. gi-give you my regards.. first.”

He’s glitching out and spasming the entire time, his voice cutting out and warping around his words every couple of seconds, and it seems painful, but you felt your heart swell at how much he was sacrificing just to watch you open your eyes.

You grin softly and caress his cheek. It’s shockingly hot against your skin, likely from the effort of holding himself in front. “Thank you for helping me sleep. You can let Sunny come on out now.”

Whirring, Moon quits resisting the change letting himself fade away into his and Sun’s shared headspace, and his eyes close, his nightcap falling away as Sun’s rays slide out from beneath his faceplate. You had never watched them switch before, and you gasp softly as the black plate beside the carved portion of their face slots into the moon, revealing a silver under-skeleton for a moment before an orange one slips out and clicks into place, Sun’s eyes opening to reveal a bright yellow colour.

He’s melancholy for just a second, before beaming brightly down onto you. “Hellloooo, sunshine! Good morning!”

You sit up from Sun's lap, the planets from the previous night sloughing off of your body.

“Hey, Sunny.”

Rubbing the final bits of sleep from your eyes, you begin to stand, careful not to crush any part of his body as you make your way out of your little nest.

“Your vitals are much better after Moony helped put you to bed, sunflower! Are you feeling better?” He asks, picking up the blankets you had shed and folding them into neat little squares with an acute proficiency, which he sets in a little pile next to where you stand.

Gripping onto the ledge of one of the platforms, you nod. “Actually, yeah, I feel.. a lot better. I could use some food, though. That, and probably a hairbrush.”

Sun laughs, static crackling over his speakers. “Yes, your hair does look very silly! I think Roxy should have one somewhere! She was juuuuuust here visiting… I’ll look for you!”

And he darts off, in which you follow, not really having better to do anyways. You glance briefly at your watch, which reads 6:24 A.M. It was still fairly early. What time had you gone to sleep, anyways? It felt like you had slept a lot, despite the time being all out of whack for your normal bedtime.

Eventually, Sun scrambles back to you (you gave up running after him once he climbed up his tower below the ball pit. No way were you traversing that this time of day), a bright green brush in hand, which he hands to you triumphantly. You run it through your hair as Sun starts to run away again. He does a full 180, and then another, and then another. You set the brush down, finished with it now, and walk up to him.

“You okay?”

Sun squeaks and twists around to look at you. “Uhhhh.. yes, yes, I’m fine! I just.. I wanted to get you food, but.. I don’t like to leave the daycare.”

You laugh at his sheepish explanation. “It’s okay, Sun, I can just run out and get something to eat before I have to start helping you get ready for the day. I appreciate the sentiment, though.” You pat his upper arm, and he smiles radiantly.

“Sorry, sunlight..”

You shush him. “Sun, I don’t need– no, I don’t want you to go sacrificing your boundaries just because you want to help me. The thought itself is nice alone, so there’s no need to worry about it!”

Sun nods, and you can hear a happy whirring begin in his chest. “Now, go, go! Get the food you need– I’ll be here when you get back!”

With one last glance over your shoulder, you climb the stairs to exit the daycare.

*.·:·.☽✧ ✦ ✧☾.·:·.*

“Mx., Mx.!” Thómas cries. You snap around to catch the familiar glow of his face amongst all of the little children shuffling through the daycare lobby, checked in and ready to start playing for the day. As you catch sight of him, your chest tightens with pride.

It seems that Thómas has taken your advice, because today, he’s clad in a sparkly purple blouse and heart-printed leggings. A little bow adorns the collar of his shirt, and a large headband holds back his fluffy bangs from his face. When he meets your eyes, he glows.

“Look at me! I borrowed these pretty things from my sister! You said I could wear anything I wanted, right? So look!”

You crouched down to hold him in your arms as he jumps up to grasp onto your torso gleefully. “Does your sister come here, too? I haven’t seen her!” You crane your neck around in a show of perplexion.

Thómas shakes his head. “No, she.. she’s at home. She’s, uh.. she’s sick, so mommy stays at home to take good care of her.”

You rub his back comfortingly, a pang of guilt blossoming in your stomach. “Oh, Thómas, I'm sorry, honey; I didn’t mean to make you sad about it.”

He scrambles out of your arms, hands on his hips proudly. “No, I’m okay, see? No tears! Mommy says it’s okay to talk about her even if she’s not here forever, so I like to talk about her.”

With a smile, you take his hand as he leads you down the stairs to the main daycare floor. “Was there anything else pretty of your sister’s you saw that you want to wear tomorrow?” You said, trying to take his mind off of her illness, at the very least.

Faltering a moment, Thómas’ grip on your hand goes slack. “Well.. I saw this super pretty dress of Hannah’s that I want to try on really bad, but mommy says that those things are only for girls– kind of like makeup.”

His eyebrows knit together, and his fingers anxiously play with the hem of his blouse. You set a hand on his shoulder gently, coaxing him to look up and into your eyes.

“I can see why your mommy says that, Thómas. Those things were made for girls, originally, it’s true, but that doesn’t mean that boys can’t wear them, too.” With a sigh, Thómas plops down on one of the plastic picnic benches near the art area, and you follow, kneeling next to him.

“But why do people have to think that I can’t wear girl’s things? I.. I.. I want to wear girls' things– it makes me really happy!”

You were not qualified to have this conversation. Still, you refused to leave Thómas alone with his thoughts, and you truly wanted to help him figure out how to get past his anger.

“I know, Thómas, and I’m sorry that I can’t help yo-”

Slamming his fists on the table, Thómas finally shouts, “Why couldn’t I have just been born a girl?! Then everything would have been easier!” And he begins to cry.

Oh, goodness..

Panicking, you look around, hoping to find– oh, and there he was. Sun materialises beside you almost as if he knew you had subconsciously summoned him. Seeing Thómas breaking down on the table, he immediately goes into care mode.

“Oh, sunrays! My goodness, what’s happened here, huh? Is everything okay?!”

Thómas sniffles harshly through his sadness, eyes glazed over with wetness as large globs of tears streak down his cheeks.

“I.. I just wish mommy.. would have made me a girl, instead of a boy! I- I don’t want to be a boy anymore!” He sobs, and Sun’s surprised for a second, his torso doing a spin-around to glance at you, seemingly saying you broke the child, To which you shoot back a look that says I don't know what I did, but please.. help me.

“Goodness me, sunshine, it sounds like those are some pretty big feelings! Do you want a hug? Or we can just talk about it? Sometimes, that helps too!”

With a watery smile, Thómas extends his arms out to Sun, who scoops him up in his arms, squeezing him tightly and spinning him around until he begins to giggle, squirming underneath his grip.

“Okay, okay, put me down now, please! Please!” Thómas squeals, to which Sun obliges and sets Thómas back down. “Feeling better, friend?”

He nods. “Sorry, Mr. Sun. I didn’t mean to get all sad.”

“It’s okay, sunbeam! Being sad is okay; I can be okay with people feeling big things.” You grin at Sun’s unwavering support. It was amazing, the way that he managed to draw Thómas back down to earth with just his energy alone.

“So, are you mad because you don’t want to be a boy anymore?” He asks, crouching down to meet Thòmas at eye level. Honestly, that in of itself is a feat, given his height.

Thómas looks indecisive for a moment, but then he looks Sun in the eye and nods. “I don’t like being a boy, anyway. Daddy calls me ‘little prince' and it makes me feel all twisty in my belly.”

Sun looks to you, bewildered. “Well.. Does it feel better if I call you ‘princess’ instead?” And Thómas’ face lit up.

“W- that makes me feel twisty but in a good way! Uh, but I’m not a girl, though, I’m still a boy..” Sun laughs.

“Thómas, you don’t have to be born a girl to want to be one! You can be whoever you want to be, sunray.”

“MR. SUNNY, COULD YOU COME HERE FOR A SECOND?!” Another kid called, garnering Sun’s full attention. His head pricks up, and he whirls around like a cat, searching for the source of the noise.

And he’s gone.

“Thómas, I think it’s really cool how you’ve managed to find that out about yourself. I’m really proud of you.” You say, turning to him. He grins broadly at you, and wraps his chubby arms around your waist, cheeks flushed bright red.

“Thank you, Mx., for helping me. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad things, but sometimes I feel bad things, too and it makes me want to be really, really loud.”

Chuckling lightly, you pat Thómas’ back and stand up. “It’s alright, Thómas. I’ll be back later, okay? Just let me know if you need anything.”

*.·:·.☽✧ ✦ ✧☾.·:·.*

The rest of the day was rather uneventful, with Thómas seeming to have quieted down by snack time and finding a quiet, secluded corner to settle and do their art throughout the afternoon. They ran exuberantly to his dad once the day was over, so at least they were happy enough to be excited by pickup.

Then, after cleanup was over, you approached Sun with a smile. “Hey, Sun.”

Sun whirled around and grinned as he saw you standing below him. “Hello, sunflower! Are you okay?” You nod in response.

“Yeah, no, I’m okay; That whole thing with Thómas was pretty scary today, though. I had no idea what I was doing. I mean, he says he wants to be a girl now! Does– I mean, I said yesterday that he could wear anything that he wanted because He saw me in ‘quote, unquote’, “boy’s clothes”, but I didn’t mean for it to turn into.. well, into this!” You blurt.

Sun shakes his head carefully, setting down the box of miscellaneous coloured pencils and markers that he had been carrying. “No, sunlight, I don’t think that makes anything your fault.”

With a vague hand gesture, he continues, “Just because you told Thómas that they could be anything that they wanted to be or wear what they wanted to wear doesn't mean that you’re the one responsible for them coming to the realisation that they want to be a girl!”

You shrug. Maybe he was right. “Yeah, I get that, but..” you huff, crossing your arms together. “What if Thómas gets in trouble and his parents think that I told him he should be a girl! I mean, you didn’t hear what he said about how his mom wouldn’t let him wear the dress he wanted. He’s only five, Sun! I’m not questioning his ability to decide his own identity, but they’re gonna blame me if they find out!”

You’re panting now, and your face is flushed red out of embarrassment. Turning away from Sun angrily, you walk towards one of the play structures. “Sunshine, please, just calm down, we can– we can play a game! Or sit down, that works too!”

Tears sting at the corners of your eyes, and you continue to stomp away from him. “I don’t want to talk about it right now! Ca– can I just see Moon, please? Will he come out?”

The room goes silent.

Not even the sound of Sun’s internal mechanics can be heard over the weight of the silence that blankets you. Immediately you whirl around, but Sun’s eye’s have dilated, simulating little while pupils while he’s frozen in place, his breathing mechanisms seemingly having completely stopped altogether.

“You.. y-” He can’t even formulate a sentence, the static emulating over his internal speakers so thick that he kept choking on his words. And then he’s gone, slipping through the clearing hole and disappearing into the play structures.

Frantically, you follow him. “Sunny! Sun, please, I didn’t mean–” You discover that he’s covering his head with his hands on the other side of the clearing, and his breathing mechanics are back on, because he’s panting as hard as you had been a moment before.

“Sunny..” you breathed.

You laughed incredulously. “Sun, bug, are you.. jealous?”

His eyes widened as you stepped towards him. You could hear his internal fans working overtime now, buzzing loudly in his chest cavity as if a swarm of bees had taken refuge inside of him.

“I’m.. I’m obviously inputting an emotion that I wasn’t programmed to have, it’s.. I don’t know what’s happening to me, sunshine, but it’s best if you stay back!”

You stepped forward, and he stepped back. A crazed look glossed over his features, his eyes still blazing a glaring white colour, and his hands rose up to his chest defensively. You knew that he was unstable at this point, trying hard to understand what was happening to him, and you wanted to help, but.. He was afraid to hurt you.

“Sunny, calm down, it’s okay.”

His hands begin to shake, and his back bumps into the play structure behind him as you attempt to calm him, but he only gets more restless in response, his gaze darting back and forth between where he’s trapped against the wall and you. His fingers tangle and swirl together nervously, lowering just for a moment as he’s fixated on your determined gaze, rubbing his palms on his pants in a show of anxiety. He’s freaking out, and you can tell, and you keep trying to get closer, to help, to show him that it’s okay, but he’s still upset, and it’s overwhelming you, and–

Your hands break his guard and press against his chest, snapping Sun out of his panic momentarily. You feel your eyes begin to well up as his flicker back to yellow accordingly. You hurriedly blink the moisture away.

“Please, Sun. Please, just. Shh.. It’s alright.” You plead. You couldn’t stand to see him like this, confused and panicked and scared.

He begins to settle as his eyes lock onto yours, his focus not on his internal functions now but instead on you. He smiles apologetically.

“I’m sorry, sunlight; I just don’t understand what’s happening to me right now.” He whispers.

“”It’s okay, Sun. I.. I think you’re upset about Moon getting more of my time than you.” You purposely left out the part where you specifically asked for Moon in your dispute a few minutes prior.

You take your hands away from Sun’s chest and give him some breathing room, allowing him to unstick himself from the play structure wall. He begins to sit down a few feet from you, but then decides against it and springs back up to meet you face-to-face. Anxiously, he attempts to meet your gaze.

“I was mad about what you said, but I was also mad about how Moony wouldn’t let me out to see you when you woke up this morning– doesn that make me ‘jeloos’, like you said?” He speculates.

You nod. “In a way, yeah. Were you mad because you wanted to spend more time with me?”

Sun’s head bops up and down as he nods vigorously in agreement.

You can’t help but laugh. “Then yeah. I would say that’s jealousy.”

As minutes pass, the silence around the two of you grows gentle, draped over the both of you like a blanket that muffles out the sounds of the world.

Instinctively, you reach your hand up to meet Sun’s cheek. He smiles softly and nuzzles his face deeper into your palm, the metal frame becoming warm beneath your touch. After a moment, he moves closer, takes another step..

..and he’s enveloping you, arms snaking around your torso as he slots himself against you gently. You grin into his embrace, unable to help yourself. You hug him back.

Sun squeezes you tightly, little beeping noises coming from his insides. You let your arms rest along his back, letting yourself lean some of your weight onto his nimble metal frame.

This was nice; the way that the world seemed to become smaller in his arms, and how you could feel Sun’s anxiety disappear the longer he clung to you. It was therapeutic, in a way - the two of you could sit with the silence, hand-in-hand, in a way that didn’t really seem to require any work from either of you.

You let your hand trace patterns across his back, swirling and twisting in little shapes and lines. The world stood deathly silent all around you, but as of now, it was calming.

Then, somewhere deep inside of Sun’s chest, where you had never really heard before, began a rumbling. It was a steady, slow, contented sound, but it made you jump as it began to really pick up.

Sun flinched out of your arms, seemingly just as surprised as you. His eyes were frenzied once again, and the rumbling stopped, only to be replaced by the whir of his fans kicking back on.

“Sun, what was that?” You questioned.

He looks up towards the ceiling, eyes fluttering as he scrolls through his internal terminal functions, attempting to place the code calling for.. whatever that was.

He seems to find what he’s looking for, because he makes a pleased ‘ah’ noise and his eyes shift back to a softened yellow colour.

“I think it’s another thing I've developed. It’s a glitch, I believe!” He laughs.

You laugh in response to him, as well. “It kind of sounds like purring. Like, from a cat.”

When Sun gives you a quizzical expression, you provide, “..You do know what a cat is, right?”

He nods. “I was just trying to find out how the two matched, that’s all!”

You slink back into his arms, and happily, the rumbling noise starts again; Sun seems flustered by it, trying to get it to quiet down, but he’s not in control of it anymore, and the closer you nuzzle up to him, the louder the ‘purring’ gets.

“Sunbeam, I, uh–” The rumbling noise warbles his voice as he tries to push you away, but he can’t speak properly.

“It’s alright, Sunny; I think it’s nice.” It grows until it rattles your bones as you’re standing there, embracing him tightly, and Sun gives up trying to push you - or the sound - away. He sinks into you, deeper and deeper until his weight grows against you so much that you can hardly hold him up against you anymore.

You move your head up to find out whether he’s gone into sleep mode or not, and you end up bumping your lips up against his cheek, your tooth knocking against your upper lip. “Ow, shit!”

The purring noise stutters and ends up fizzing out like a steam engine cutting off, and Sun falls slack against you. “Ack, jesus christ, Sun, what the–”

You move out of his arms, but he just falls to the floor. “Sunny! What the hell, oh my god!”

Hastily, you roll him over, and you discover what the issue was– He overheated. You could understand it now, because as you touched him, he was blazing hot, and his eyes were open but completely blacked-out, static crackling gently over his speakers.

“Shit, I completely screwed you.. Man, Moon’s going to be pissed at me once I wake you guys up.” You grabbed an arm and began to tug Sun’s body towards an air conditioning vent. The air was cool there, so you left his limp form in front of the frosty area for a while. You leaned up against his splayed torso, and waited patiently for him to reboot.

Note to self? Don’t overstimulate Sun. He’ll pass out.

#sundrop #sundrop x reader #moondrop #moondrop x reader #fnaf #fnaf security breach #fnaf sb #fnaf sun #fnaf moon #fnaf daycare attendant #daycare attendant

66 notes · View notes