#incorrect coworker quotes

[klm-zoflorr]

Jon in S4 hospital bed coma:

Elias at his bedside, sobbing: How could you do this to me? We are so understaffed

[sapphicdiabetic]

grace: *texting* hey can you pick me up i’m drunk?

grace: oh you don’t have to anymore. i’m home now

welton: yes, i’m aware of that after dropping you off at home

[im-still-watching-anime]

trucy: hang on polly you have a hair on you—oh, it’s long and…blonde. again.

apollo, internally: oh my god they’re all going to think i’m STRAIGHT and that i’m sleeping with a WOMAN

trucy, athena, and wright all thinking: oh that’s for sure klavier’s :/

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

Vaggie: "Okay ha ha, very funny. Who stole me and Charlie's laundry out of the dryer again- Angel Dust!"

Angel Dust: "Wasn' me."

Vaggie: "Are you wearing my fucking skirt!?"

Angel Dust: "Ooooh~ it's a FUCKIN' skirt, huh? This one kept special for when Charlie jumps ya?"

Vaggie: "Que te la pique un pollo- NO."

Angel Dust: "Aw c'mon toots, we all know you have one~"

Vaggie: "Give me back. My skirt. You. Ass."

Angel Dust: "Speakin' of... is it really still YOUR skirt, Vagina, if MY ass is the one lookin' so utterly fine and fabulous in it?"

Vaggie: "YOU DONT HAVE AN ASS, ANGEL DUST."

Angel Dust: "Yeah? Then what's this beautiful thang here, hmm?"

Vaggie: "I don't know because there's nothing there for you to even POINT at, twig twink!"

Husk: "HA!"

Angel Dust: "Ugh fiiine. Since you're being nice an' usin' my preferred pronouns-"

Vaggie: "Twig???"

Husk: "Twink."

Angel Dust: "-I'll hand over the girlfriend-fucking skirt. The delicius heat from the dryer's mostly gone now anyway. Jus' lemme grab something to throw on over it first..."

Vaggie: "Seriously? THAT'S why you took it?? Dryer heat?"

Angel Dust: "Next best thing to hot bath at the end of a day's hard work, baby! A day's VERY hard, throbbing, aching work-"

Vaggie: "I will throw this spear at you. I WILL ruin your stupid hair."

Husk: "Fucking do it."

Vaggie: "YOU shut up too. You're the one who taught him this in the first place, aren't you?"

Husk: "WHAT? I don't put on your fucking skirts!"

Angel Dust: "Wha' about her non-fucking ones?"

Husk & Vaggie: "Shut up."

Angel Dust: "Touché~ Protestin' too much, me thinks~”

Vaggie: "Husk- we all know you're the one waiting for the dryer to finish so you can drag the laundry onto the floor and sleep on it!"

Husk: "That's bullshit- you've got no proof-"

Angel Dust: "Cat hair, Mr. Whiskers."

Husk: "The fucking hotel has a cat!"

Vaggie: "That smells like a bar and also sheds feathers?"

Husk: "FUCK."

Angel Dust: "Don't break yourself up over it, kitten daddy- If you hadn't shown me the joys of laundry shopping, I'd never have known how GOOD I look in this jacket."

Vaggie: "???? You- IS THAT CHARLIE'S!?!?"

Angel Dust: "Goes good with the skirt, huh? If you two had a kid, they'd fucking SLAY."

Vaggie: "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING HER JACKET"

Angel Dust: "Look- she's the only one in this fancy prancy hotel that's got the same measurements as me, at least in the shoulder, hips, and torso department! The only one who's clothes don't smell like dead deer and dusty old radios, anyway!! I'm kinda low on options here, okay?"

Vaggie: "WHAT ABOUT THE OPTION OF DON'T StEAL OUR STUFF?? THAT'S LIKE, THE EASIEST FUCKING OPTION YOU COULD HAVE!"

Angel Dust: "Orrrrr, you two could adopt me as you gay lovechild and give me some fuckin' hand me downs. Or money."

Vaggie: “OUR WHAT!?”

Angel Dust: “Fuck it, give me money an’ I’ll buy my own clothes, mom.”

Vaggie: “I. Am. NOT-”

Charlie: “-hey guys! Has anyone seen my….”

Charlie: “…uh, Vaggie? Why is Angel Dust dressed like our gay lovechild?”

Angel Dust: “HA!”

Charlie: “And did he just call you ‘mom??’”

Vaggie: “I give up. Anyone needs me, I’ll be in the laundry room, shoving myself in the dryer on the hellfire setting.”

Husk: “You’ll have to fucking drag Niffty out first.”

Vaggie: “What.”

Charlie: “What?”

Angel Dust: “WHAT”

Husk: “She was crawling in head first when I left after waking up- uhh- after getting something.”

Angel Dust: (shrieking) “AN’ YOU LEFT HER THERE???”

Vaggie: “Oh shit-”

Charlie: “Vaggie- go! Fly!! Go go go now Now NOW- EMPLOYEE IN THE INDUSTRIAL CLEANING EQUIPMENT THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!!”

- meanwhile, in the laundry room-

THUMP THUMP THUMP

THUMP…. Thump………… thump

Alastor: “…”

Alastor: (reaches over to knock on dryer door)  

Alastor: “Having fun, dear?”

Niffty: (flopping limply half out of dryer) (battered) (scorched) (GRINNING) “Ow pain!”

Alastor: “Quite.”

Niffty: “Heheheh… heHEHEHEH.”

Niffty: (sets the dryer to max again) “More…. PAIN!!!” (shuts door from the inside) (grins from other side with her face pressed against the glass)

Alastor: “Fascinating.”

Thump…Thump. Thump. THUMP THUMPTHUMP-

Cherri Bomb: “…”

Cherri Bomb: “…Know what? You kids have fun. I’m just gonna go, like, break into someone’s house and murder them so I can use their washer and dryer. That’ll be less fucked up than….. whatever this is.” (hefts basket of bloody laundry and bombs) (waves over her shoulder while leaving) “Bye~”

[sassypantsjaxon]

Somebody talking to Zoro after meeting Sanji: your husband is really pretty

Zoro: yeah, he's okay, I guess

[niiwa-angel]

Wally West: I'm going to the bathroom.

Barry Allen: Have fun.

Bart Allen: Don't fall in.

Jay Garrick: Let me know how it goes.

Ace West: Do you need directions?

Hal Jordan: Can you guys give, like, some normal fucking responses?

[arkangelo-7]

I absolutely love the idea of Bruce Wayne picking up slang from his kids, because all I can imagine is him in a Justice League meeting, listening to Wonder Woman recount her latest adventure, and totally deadpanning, “Yas Queen, slay”

[nixster627]

Nie Huaisang: Some of the things you say are so out of pocket.

Wei Wuxian: What do you mean?

Wei Wuxian: Doesn't everyone have the experience of having to fend against dogs for food in their childhood.

Nie Huaisang: See that's what I mean. No one else experienced that.

Wei Wuxian: That can't be true. There's no way I'm special.

[wavewavethoughtsonly]

Knock Out: Hey Shockwave~ Working hard or hardly working?

Shockwave: I’m hardly laughing.

[this-is-krikkit]

dazai: in twenty years, i guarantee you i'll be chuuya's 2nd husband atsushi: ... what happens to his first husband? dazai: nothing you can prove

[asl-bros-incorrect-quotes]

Sabo: Can we pick someone cooler than Justin Bieber

Ace: Careful, that was Dadan's idea

Sabo: Well even Dadan has her shortcomings

Ace: Oof, you gonna just take that Dadan?

Dadan: How dare you Sabo

Sabo: How? It's my audacity

Dadan: I'll lock you in the freezer

[poppy5991]

Pelican: *sitting on a rock in the water*

Hawks, drunk: *leaning out precipitously over the pier trying to grab it*

Enji: Stop!

Hawks: He’s stuck, I have to save him!

Enji: He can fly!

[sapphicdiabetic]

nathan: *wears dark grey*

kathleen: i see you’re breaking out the spring colors

[babygirl-diaz]

Buck: *kisses Eddie's forehead* Buck: *freezes* Hen: Did you just... kiss his forehead? Buck: *nervously* Yeah, it's a new thing I am trying where I kiss everyone's foreheads when they do a good job. Buck: *grabs Chim and plants a kiss on his forehead* Great job cleaning the engines, Chim! Buck: *grabs Hen's face before she can react and plants a kiss on her forehead* Great job organizing the supply closets, Hen! Hen: *Swats at him* Get away from me! Buck: *makes a move on Bobby* Bobby: You even try to kiss me and I will fire you! Buck: Noted

[bambinafangirls]

spencer: i have a headache

emily: it’s always something with you

[hammerhead-jpg]

Redacted comic ideas that I'm probably not going to make pt2