#including drawing so i can barely force myself to draw anything but drawing is the only way i can get people to like me

[munch-mumbles]

genuinely feel like ive been going crazy the last few nights

[bloop-bl00p]

In defense of Octavia

TW: Lots of Trauma Dumping, Mention of abuse

She’s been wronged way too many times in this fandom for some reason. Look at her vibing, how can you hate her?

I’m a fan of Helluva Boss, mainly because of its potential but the quality dropped dead in the second season. We’re gonna talk about a character I’ve seen other fans misinterpreting in favor of the so-great Prince Stolass.

I want to talk about her mainly because I do what I want and because after studying her character I just realized that she’s just like me. Especially regarding her relationship with her father, I see myself in my younger years.

All of that to say…

She has all the right to feel abandoned.

Octavia obliviously has a stronger bond with her father, it shows in her behavior and little background details

When she wants to draw her family, she draws her and Stolas, we mostly see her being happy with him which leads me to think that she’s emotionally neglected by Stella. To her, Octavia is just an ‘egg’ that fell off her and she doesn't care about the impact killing Stolas could have on her daughter.

Despite being emotionally absent, Stella has a much more physical presence than Stolas. Most of the time Stolas is alone in his castle which leads me to think that Octavia is somewhere else with Stella. They did mention the two went on a weekend somewhere. This leads us to this question…

How can Octavia feel more close to her father?

Here’s the thing, I see a lot of my family dynamic here. My mom doesn’t pay attention to me at all, she doesn't want me to bother her and she makes it clear. My dad, however, who’s absent like 90% of the time, always tried to spare time with me. He explained to me that he was working and why he was doing all of this (I was like barely ten) but it never prevented him from trying to play with me, sharing his hobbies, going on a walk, and else.

He was there emotionally and, as a kid who was bullied, had no friends at all, and a mother who didn't give a damn, I cherished this relationship.

I believe the exact same thing happened with Octavia, we never see her with friends or even outside the castle, she’s isolated. Stolas has Prince duties, we’ve seen him carry them in the shows, hence why he’s mostly absent leaving her with her mother. But, at least when she was a kid, he tried to do stuff bringing her to Loo-Loo Land or being the one to comfort her. That is why she clings to her father, he’s the only one who actually shows her love and she’s terrified of losing that.

Regarding her mother, Stella obliviously doesn't care about her so the feeling is reciprocated. From a narrative standpoint, Stella is an unpredictable force of nature getting angry for pretty much anything that doesn't go her way. So Octativa learned to not cross her mother's path.

I know this expression, this is the “Oh fuck… they’re at it again?” she’s used to her mother's constant screaming, she's used to her parents fighting.

She did say they were a time when a parent didn't hate each other, which to me refers to the time when Stolas tanked Stella’s abuse. But, that doesn’t mean that Stella wasn't abusing him in front of a younger Octavia, she’s erratic and they did imply that she can get physical in her toxic behavior. Since Stella was passive, it was probably mostly harmful comments.

Putting personal things here, my mom was also very abusive to my older sibling. Since I was extremely young I learned not to ‘be a burden’ to avoid being abused as well, which includes things like not talking to her unless she does it first. Whether Octavia is aware of the physical abuse or not, she must know enough to know that it’s a bad idea to annoy Stella.

This is the only picture where we see her seemingly having a good relationship with Stolas, which to me feels like she’s faking it considering all we know about the family.

She has a pretty shitty household but her relationship with her father make it bearable until Stolas did a 180°

He randomly started to prioritize Blitz and don’t spill me the bullshit of ‘he’s trying’ he stopped trying long ago.

Let’s analyze this episode by episode:

In Loo Loo Land, Stolas seemingly tries to rebuild a visibly strained relationship with his daughter by bringing her to a park she liked when she was a kid. To this, she immediately responds with an “I’m not 5 anymore.” and an “I rather kill myself.” There’s no room for miscommunication, she doesn't want to go there, and she won’t enjoy it as much as she did back then. Still, he decides to go there, showing that he doesn't listen, and, he brings the one the thing that is currently ruining his already horrible marriage because of his own actions. Blitzø.

He’s trying to spend time with his daughter after a long time (this is mentioned in the episode) and he decides to bring in that one guy he’s hooking up with to deliberately make sexual remarks about him in front of her.

She’s uncomfortable the whole time, not just because she allegedly doesn’t like listening to her father's comments but because she doesn't like the park. She said it, yet Stolas doesn't acknowledge it, he doesn't realize the faces she makes which are to me pretty communicative of her annoyance and discomfort.

This is not even subtle body language, yet he only notices it when she runs off. The worst part is that he still finds a way to think about Blitzø when his daughter leaves.

He looked upset that Blitzø didn't follow him! Did he expect that guy to pursue him constantly? He was in the middle of an argument with his daughter, I personally would have stepped away to give them space to talk and reconcile. But no, apparently Blitzø should be at his beck and call all the time.

But you know what, after all of this. He still apologized. That absolutely does not negate everything he did during the day but, at the end of it, he finally listened to her and even brought her to a place she actually wanted to be. Which is good, he acknowledged her discomfort and did something she liked.

Until Seeing Star.

Look I know Stolas was busy with Stella but he clearly doesn't care about her and her stuff.

Don’t tell me he couldn’t pinpoint Stella’s location with magic and teleport all of her belongings to her. Their discussion was barely about the furniture, he could have said that they were gonna be delivered and hung up the second he saw Octavia. Arguing with Stella is pointless, he’s the number one guy that should know that! Why does he continue to insult her, he’s just fuelling the fire!

Moving out her belongings would have been 10 times faster if he just hung up the phone, then he could have had a more mindful talk with Octavia without the constant bickering of his ex-wife.

But he didn't for some reason, fair enough, I guess. The writers do whatever they want. Anyway, Octavia got angry and ran to go see the stars on her own.

So, Stolas’ castle is in Pride but my point still stands, Octavia had the time to run from home and make the way all from her father's place to the city, find the specific building Blitzø held his organization in and Stolas didn't notice a thing.

You cannot tell me Stella managed to get his attention for that long AND you cannot tell me that his castle is close to the shitty disaffected building and the populace. His daughter ran off and he did not notice a thing.

Not only that but he has the nerve of blaming Blitzø for not watching the book. Like, dude! You should have watched your daughter instead!

Then he spills out more bullshit.

I don’t know Stolas, how could you possibly find her when you were shown to have countless abilities to do so?

Like bubbles projecting the image and locations of people.

Or that on time when you possessed corpses and one woman just to go full eldritch monstrosity just for one that one guy you’re cheating your wife with. And don’t whine about “They don’t love each other.” it’s still affecting his family, mainly his daughter so it’s still bad.

Of course, you do all of that without your grimoire without any problem, brushing it off with a…

I guess he forgot his ‘ways’ when it came to Octavia. But honestly, Loona literally found her easily just by looking at her Instagram account, couldn't he just call her or something? The girl had her phone the whole time and he didn't just think of calling her.

Me when I forget that I have teleportation power when I am in an enclosed space with nobody is looking.

You’re certainly not worrying right now. Via literally told him to his face that she was scared and he kept flirting with him even though he once again caused her to run away because of his neglect.

He’s not trying his best, THIS IS NOT TRYING!

No Loona, his daughter communicated very clearly issues related to their relationship, rather than reassuring her and being there for her as much as it’s realistically possible (he still has duties to carry), he gets in an avoidable petty fight with his ex and keeps an unhealthy dynamics with an imp he's been obsessing over. He doesn't focus, his priorities aren’t straight, and now Octavia feels abandoned.

I did mention that I had a good relationship with my father back then, but it stopped abruptly. His focus changed and he went out with friends after work and gradually stopped spending time with me. Until we never spent time together again, (to give you an idea the only moment where I could see him was in the morning for breakfast) now that can sound silly but I was a child, with no friends and a neglectful mom, losing the only good thing I had in life broke me. I knew his schedule, I knew he was spending time with work buddies and that just stung my self-esteem even more leaving me feeling like a burden when I was just a kid who wanted to feel love.

This is why I don’t like the “He’s trying.” I know what a trying struggling parent looks like and I know what happens when they stop. If you keep trying to do something and you’re constantly failing, either your technique isn’t the right one or you’re not and you’re convincing yourself you are.

And then there are people that’ll tell me that “He lived through the abuse of Stella for years for her.”

If you read all of this then I don’t feel like I need to explain how Octavia was at least partially exposed to Stella's toxic behavior and was affected by it.

For those who don’t know how it feels to live with an erratic mood-swinging person, it’s pure constant stress. You have to think constantly before you talk or move because you know that if you fuck up you’re gonna pay the price. And if you still eventually mess up you can never know with these types of people! You can’t defend yourself because the punishment will be far worse. You are ALWAYS in the wrong.

So he lived through the abuse of Stella just so his daughter could get neglected and abused in a less physical way?

The difference between my parents and Octavia is that they love each other. Stolas doesn't give a damn about Stella, he did say he was nice at first because he empathized with her they were in this shitty situation together, and fine, it's reasonable. But she never changed! Stella stayed the same! Why didn’t he leave her when he stopped carrying about her?! There’s no trauma bounding, Stella isn’t guilt-tripping or manipulating him, they got the child he could have divorced her easily without consequences! If anything, she’s the losing part of this divorce she’s lower in the hierarchy! “Andreaphul will get angry.” HE’S A MARQUIS! Hierarchically speaking Stolas is far more important and he mopes the floor with his peacock ass!

Am I supposed to be empathetic with that one dude who willingly let his daughter grow up in a hyper-toxic environment with an emotionally neglectful and unpredictable wife?! Am I supposed to believe he cares when he kept sleeping in his house in his bed with the same guy his daughter clearly is worried he’s going to leave her with?! Really?!

Don’t ever tell me that this is trying.

[anantaru]

— drunk genshin boys

including heizou, alhaitham, scaramouche, kaveh, pantalone, childe, diluc, cyno x gn! reader

꒰ genre ꒱ — fluff & crack, idk what this is but very cute

drunk! heizou who gets tremendously clingy with you— he doesn‘t have anything but embracing and snuggling up to you in mind. from the beginning, before anything else, you have to help him get to bed, he can barely walk in a straight line and you wonder who he was sharing his drinks with— might be kazuha for all you know. "you‘re so good to me." he slurrs his words, eyes lowered and almost closed but keeping them open, heizou tries to because he can’t keep his eyes off you— even when drunk out of his mind, then the sweet man reaches his arms out for you, "come here come here." it’s a combination of a pitchy whine and a pout displayed before you and archons, how can someone be this adorable without even trying hard? you wonder but ultimately smile at your boyfriend, drawing a fuzzy blanket over his body before leaning into his chest.

drunk! alhaitham who fights with himself, more or less— he can hardly stand. you see, your boyfriend knows he‘s drunk and now he‘s forcing himself to sober up with nothing but pure, strong willpower and a good spirit at hand, but beware, he knows it‘s not possible but he tries to tell himself to sober up regardless, even when aware that that‘s not how it works in the general rule of booze. "i have almost conquered myself." he announces proudly while leaning against your shoulder, his soft hair ruffled and ticking your cheek. "yeah yeah." you playfully roll your eyes, placing your hand on top of his thigh while petting the clothed skin. it‘s when he places his palm on top of your hand to catch you in his embrace before you can notice the faint, soundly snoring sounds of your boyfriend succumbing to a deep slumber against you.

drunk! scaramouche who, much to your own surprise, tends to indicate a few kisses, cuddles and silently thanks you for taking care of him— it‘s especially surprising since this never happens when he‘s not under the influence of alcohol. truthfully, he didn‘t think he was even capable to get drunk and tried a bunch of different beverages around sumeru city. what he didn‘t know was that, alcohol can become a little tricky, especially when it hits you somewhat delayed. you were quick to notice his cheeks changing their color until his entire face was covered in red— the small pants from his parted lips and his larger pupils only proving your point. "nuisance." kuni curses, planting his arm over your shoulder as he makes you stop for a second, keeping your movements to a stand still. "kiss." he leans closer, no words following, ultimately failing to hit your lips and bumping in your nose instead— at this point you’re dying of laughter, you had even attempted to fight your giggles but how could that even be an option when he‘s like that? yet to the best part, you show him how it‘s done and properly melt your lips on his.

drunk! kaveh who— and such fact is known throughout all of sumeru, was a lightweight on the inside, but sometimes had the need to pretend to actually be able to hold his drinks in. you on the other hand knew your boyfriend and his tendencies to drink a little bit too much whenever he‘s meeting up with his friends for a round of tcg or anything really— most of the time it does consist of gossiping. considering this, you always await him late at night, knowing full on well that he‘s going to have a hard time getting out of his shoes or, frankly, find the way to his bedroom. "i‘m not- not drunk!" he proclaims with a pitched, half broken tone, raising his pointer finger in the air, "drunk not i not!" and stammers before dropping into his bed face first. you welcome him with a smile, "you sure aren‘t." and amusingly shake your head but not before placing a bucket next to the bed for— well, who knows what you both will face this entire night.

drunk! pantalone who loves to drink a few glasses of red wine— reveling in the massive flavor of different nuances the beverage had in store after a long day of working himself to frenzied tiredness. believe it or not but he knows the limits of his body quite well, yet even he can overindulge in it from time to time. in which case would he make himself overly noticable the moment he stumbles home. it‘s louder than usual and you wonder if he actually tripped over and fell carelessly or ran against the door. but the man finds you at last as he always did, you long since ready for bed before dropping right next to you, still fully clothed in a perfectly fitted garment and his glasses messily shoved up, "i may have had too many drinks tonight." he admits against his own volition, rubbing his head and the tiny red spot emerging on his forehead— he really did hit the door, "and you may need to help me out of my clothes."

drunk! childe who doesn‘t consider a party being a real event without him in it— surprinsingly was the eleventh harbinger good with keeping his booze in, it‘s rarely for him to get real, drop dead drunk, but when he does— oh boy, you can be sure he won‘t stop talking to you the entire night. "have i told you about that time i dropped a whale on an entire army?" brazen words after arrogant notions, ajax cuddles himself against your back to try to turn you towards him, after all, he thinks you weren‘t listening with your body being turned away like that. after a deep-rooted yawn, you pull yourself to the left to face him, "you did." and cradle his cheek, "you did at last three times this past hour."

drunk! diluc who, much to his own embarrassment, needs to be taken care of. the man loathes alcohol to his very core, but even he needs to occasionally drink a couple glasses with important partners who he had been collaborating and working with. "i can‘t feel my legs." he almost whines at the loss of his senses, numb and tired as you repeatedly dapped a cold washcloth on his forehead while he was continuously pinching his biceps, "that‘s your arm baby." your expression softened slightly as you carried on to clean him up. as it was time to turn in for the night, you felt diluc‘s intense, warm presence closer than on any other day before, "please don‘t leave." his words find your ears with such ease, like a piece of his own soul, a bright, hopeful voice, full of hope but webbed in bristling fear, "i won‘t."

drunk! cyno who— and this really doesn‘t surprise you at this point in time, pompously shows off all his aquired and bundled up jokes, you had, in the beginning of your relationship, thought that what if he would genuinely turn out to be legitimately hilarious when in such wobbly state. "a tighnari and cyno walk into a bar." he pulls his mask off and places it on a drawer that, and don‘t ever tell him that, but there isn‘t a drawer there, he‘s just imagining things, "knock knock, *hiccup* who‘s there?" cyno quickly stops himself as you pick up the mask and put it on a real drawer, sliding into the warm bedsheets beside him afterwards, "wait, that‘s not how the joke goes." the man wrinkles his nose in thought, blinking rapidly while looking at you through puppy eyes, as if you had an actual idea on what he‘s talking about.

©2023 anantaru do not repost, copy, translate, modify

[mostlikelymortal]

House of Leaves by Mark Z Danielewski

Or: “What does it take to support someone with severe mental illness?”

(This post contains spoilers for the entirety of the novel - proceed at your own risk)

- -

I’ve just finished my first read through of House of Leaves, and I was so struck by the final section (Johnny’s mother’s letters) and how it redefined the entirety of the novel that preceded it that I spent the next several hours pouring through the entire story, and this post is the result.

I’ll first say that this book in and of itself is a masterclass of horror and ergodic literature. Taken at its bare state, it succeeds in drawing the reader into a lull of discomfort, taunting them into deeper and deeper senses of confusion, frustration, and (at least in my case) obsession. I myself couldn’t FIND damn near half of the cyphers, let alone SOLVE them, but just the knowledge that they existed meant that MZD was issuing a challenge to the reader to dive deeper, to think more laterally and “four dimensionally” in order to eek out one more ounce of actual truth from the story. The chapters where everything “falls apart” (Chapter IX, etc) are equal parts enticing and nauseating, matching the sense of navigating the house perfectly. This book is more of a wild ride than anything I’d previously picked up in my reading career.

However, once you read the letters, whatever opinion of Johnny Truant you had previously is “brought into the light”, as it were, and you’re forced to reckon with the truer nature of the pages you’d spent days, weeks, months, or even above a year navigating. Johnny was FAR from a perfect person (nor was he anything CLOSE to a reliable narrator, even going so far as to laugh at the reader for daring to believe his words), but to his mother, he was one of the only anchors into reality that she could rely on. You learn so much about Johnny’s character and skillset in those letters, including 1) the fact he was incredibly loving towards his mother and understanding of the issues that plagued her, sticking with her as best he could until the end and 2) she had spent many of his formative years drilling him in the study of language, the classics, and even taught him cyphers as a way of communicating when reality was a bit more difficult to believe. And that’s when you as a reader can put the final puzzle piece together and understand the novel as a singular argument, namely that in order to truly care for someone experiencing severe mental illness, you have to truly try and understand their fragmented reality, step into the darkness with them, and calmly yet compassionately and patiently love them in a way that their symptoms cannot misconstrue. And the three stories of Will Navidson, Zampano, and Johnny Truant exemplify the different approaches people take towards interacting with this group of people, and especially, how so many people perform that task WRONG.

Johnny’s descent into paranoia, mania, hallucinations, obsession, and compulsion is reacted to in half a dozen ways by more than half a dozen characters. Some of it is marginally helpful (consider; the shop manager giving him simple monotonous tasks to ground him and plenty of leniency in his ability to come to work on time; his many run-ins with women who appreciate his company and allow him not to be isolated, even if the content of those run-ins were nothing more than base sex; Thumper, who listened more intently and empathetically to Johnny’s predicament than anyone else, though eventually failing to truly get through to him; and Lude’s, however shallow, friendship). However, given that Johnny never once has a truly “good”support system in his life, he can never truly get a handle on his symptoms, and they end up eating him alive, at least for the better part of the story. Lude, being the selfish type who could never truly empathize with this kind of problem, decided to lambast Johnny with distractions and fun in the vain attempt to get as much entertainment as he can before the end (I’m sure we all have had friends like this). The tattoo shop did all they could and truly wished Johnny the best, though in the end they cut their losses and replaced him (not something we can totally blame them for but it was a limitation on their ability to truly get to him). His numerous sexual partners (outside of Kyrie) all were shown to have some kind of genuine empathy towards him, but their brief and base meetings ensured that no true intervention could take place. Kyrie and the Gdansk man, however, represented another type of intervention for those with severe mental illness, being the kind that actively ridicule and hunt them for entertainment, a force that to this day haunts folks. And Thumper, who gets the closest to being an actual intervention and positive social support for him, ultimately fails at doing so, though it could be argued it was not her failing but a failure of the circumstance. All of these characters have varied levels of true connection to Johnny, but because those connections are rife with ulterior motives, they cannot truly help him in a way that ultimately matters. I imagine that folks with severe mental illness most commonly experience these types of relationships.

Zampano, while we don’t have a TON to go on regarding his actual life outside the few attempts Johnny has to speak to people he knew, is reticent of the times, when confronted with severe mental illness, that people instead choose to enable the hallucinations, mania, obsessions, and compulsions instead of actively trying to dismiss them. The women who interact with him in life are paid to research and document his break in reality. Every single one does so without question, and in doing so, perpetuates his symptoms further until his timely, or rather untimely, death. And while we see the bulk of the novel focus on Zampano’s obsession, that only reinforces how far the rabbit hole will go if their support system will allow it to.

Finally, Will Navidson has perhaps the most healthy support system of the three, having a loving wife, two children, and a cadre of acquaintances who are skilled and capable in their own right. However, because they are unable to fully and properly step into his shoes, namely how they are unable to address (or even recognize) Will’s trauma surrounding the Delial photograph, they are unable to truly intervene on his mental descent in the house on ash tree lane. Karen, largely out of fear, refuses to step into the darkness embodying Will’s struggle to navigate reality, instead first distracting herself with friends and chores and later trying to intervene through faux-spiritual means (Feng Shui). Holloway represents the brute force approach to mental illness that pays no heed to the human being who is suffering, refusing to accept any detour on his pre-prescribed path towards a “solution” (no wonder his approach ended up being the most volatile). Tom, while assisting in SOME capacity during Exploration #4, and valiantly saving/caring for the children when things got too rough, was never able to truly get to the heart of Will’s issues, and therefore could not truly help him in the ways he needed. It is ONLY when Karen truly sees the man calling out for the things he loves, and the supports he needs, when the darkness allows her in, and upon embracing Will for the person he is, the issue (house) in itself disappears, allowing them both to walk forwards into the future.

This book is a thing of genius on so many levels, in a matter of composition, art, storytelling, and most importantly, as a plea to those who have people in their lives trapped in their own house of leaves due to severe mental illness. I absolutely will treasure it on my bookshelf for quite some time, I think.

(Also, just to be 100% on the level, I don’t think the book dismisses the VERY important support system that is medical/pharmaceutical intervention for severe mental illness, nor do I want folks to misconstrue my words as saying they are less than important. I am simply saying, and I think MZD would agree, that medical/pharmaceutical interventions can never be the ONLY thing that keeps people afloat, and that’s it’s EVERYONE’s responsibility in a social support group to help fight the fight with that person).

(Also, as another aside, I think the interpretation of the novel as being something Johnny either fully or in large part made up as a way to discuss the above themes is a valid one supported by the literature in some crucial ways. Way early in the novel, we learn he is incredibly apt at “making stories up”, after all, and we later learn that he worked, likely tirelessly, with the editors to publish the work. Just something else to put out into the discourse. And if it IS true, then that should elevate folks’ appreciation of the character that much more).

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for ditching a long-term friend?

I (35F) had a friend (S, 33F) for years. We bonded the first night we met. We had ups an downs, and went everywhere together. I helped her kick her bf out after he tried to hit her and helped her through two miscarriages. She helped me through a family member death and a career change. We would speak almost every day, for hours.

She was always slightly more conservative than me. When 2016 rolled around, she supported Trump. I didn't like that, but it wasn't my place to bitch about it to her, it was her decision.

By 2020, she'd changed. Idk how it happened but she went from slightly conservative Christian who loved school and being a nurse and had friends who were LGBT+ (myself included), to deadnaming trans patients, refusing to do a blood draw on a patient after she said it was a prerequisite for an abortion, forcing patients to pray with her, even when they and their families spoke out against it, and bugging her coworkers to pray with her. She got fired from the hospital and was completely unable to hold down a job after that, and went through about 6 jobs that year, getting fired from them all. She got with a guy (B, 32M) and he is a... Well, he is a damn nut. Flat earther, antivaxxer, anti- Department of Education, anti-cell phone, thought bluetooth was turning kids trans, and that covid is 100% a hoax. Absolutely bonkers. But she was smitten, so I supported her, barely.

It's important to note that I backed away from her a bit after she was fired from the hospital. We were only speaking once every few weeks at that point.

Shortly after she got with B, my nephew was born. My nephew is half Mexican, half white. She called him "cute for a half n*g" because she thought my SIL is black. This blew me away because she's half Mexican. I told her off and distanced myself even further.

In 2021, she was a huge supporter of Jan 6th. She LAUGHED when that one cop killed himself. I stopped talking to her completely after that. Deleted her contact info and forgot she existed for almost 2 years.

Cut to October of this year, and she calls me. I didn't recognize her #. She and B are getting married! And she wants me to be a bridesmaid!!! Yayy! (sarcasm). She told me a long-winded variation of "I know we haven't talked for a bit but I promise I'm not as bonkers as I was, I think I let Facebook suck me in, and I'm sorry."

So, I let her back in. Not emotionally, mind you. She's not the woman I once knew anymore. I don't tell her where our house is (my partner and I moved while S and I weren't speaking), and I didn't tell her what car I drove. I didn't tell her anything about our lives, and kept the conversation solely on her, to try and read her out a bit.

Sure enough, two conversations in she starts ranting about how black people are black because they received the mark of Cain (it's a Christian thing? I guess? Idk I'm not religious) and thus should be avoided because they are inherently "up to no good," and that systemic racism doesn't exist because the US has had a black president.

I roll my eyes, hang up the phone, block her number, and end it, permanently, right there. I received a few odd texts from a number I didn't recognize, probably B's phone, so I just blocked that number and deleted them without reading most of them.

Cue our mutual friends. 🙄

She misses you! People can have differing opinions and still be friends! Why are you being so closed minded? She told us you yelled at her! 😭😭😭

Lol. I didn't say a word, but whatever.

I'd rather adjust my life to her absence than adjust my morality to her ignorance.

My partner is on my side, they saw her change, too. But our mutual friends are still upset. I shared some the racist and sexist text convos between me and S, and it's like they hadn't even considered my side of the situation. One is on my side now, the other two are still questioning how I can throw away a 6 year friendship over "differing politics."

So, Tumblr, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[xcerizex]

"the long walk back home"

The things Cael would have left of her when she's finally gone; is everything.

So even if it seems impossible, he will protect it.

Even if she's not there to see it.

(reader x Cael, reader is little painter, angst, little painter married someone else, why do I keep doing this to him, idk what to call this brainrot????, it's like a continuation of that one post I made, 2.6k+ words)

It all starts with a simple game of cards meant to stave off boredom.

"It's my turn!"

You whisper this aloud as softly as possible, careful not to disturb the other passengers on the bus.

Having bought a card game named "100 questions to ask your friends" on a whim, you take the opportunity to take it out on the long bus ride back home with Cael.

Before, it was a game of mini chess. A little while later–after having lost 12 rounds consecutively–you abruptly decided to end a match halfway and rummaged through your pack in an attempt to save face; and what you pulled out was a worn out box of cards you bought from the souvenir shop because the granny insisted that you take it.

Picking up a card from the top of the deck, you ask;

"What's your favorite food?"

"Nothing in particular."

You frown at his answer. As per usual, he shows little signs of having any personal attachments to anything.

Without announcing his turn, he draws his own card from the pile.

"If you could save the whole world, would you be willing to do anything?"

The sudden appearance of a heavy question startles you, and slows down your thoughts.

It makes you think.

"I mean, the answer would be 'yes' obviously."

Saying nothing just yet, Cael reshuffles the card back into the pile with fluid ease, his movements as practiced as always until he pauses and asks;

"Would you really?"

His voice is so quiet you almost don't hear it, but you do.

"If I could save people, isn't that a good thing?"

"Even if that includes everyone?"

You answer yes in your head immediately, proof of your young age and naivety.

But realistically speaking, you know it's impossible.

"I could at least try," you answer him back with a small hint of defiance in your words, his serious demeanor putting you on edge.

"You'd have to give up a lot for that to happen."

Cael puts the deck back in the middle of the space between you, and when you feel his hands brush over yours ever so slightly, you can't help but shiver from the icy feel of his bare hands grazing over your knuckles.

"There's also the chance that your actions may cause more problems than they can help. When the time comes; are you ready to deal with the consequences?"

"...Yes."

The answer comes out of your mouth slower than you'd like, but Cael merely hums. Looking back up at you, he taps on the surface of the deck.

"It's your turn."

His words strike a feeling of irritation in you. Realizing he's trying to change the subject, you swipe a card off the deck with more force than you had intended.

"Look, if I don't at least try, won't I regret it?"

"The pain you may suffer in turn can make you regret everything else."

"It won't."

This answer comes out easier than the last. And it surprises him, eyes widening just a fraction before Cael forces back a facade of serenity.

"Saying you won't is one thing, but understanding your limits is another."

"I understand myself very well, Cael."

The maturity in which you speak with renders him silent, his stare betraying no emotion.

Just like a porcelain statue. Perfect for appearances, but useless in anything else real.

"I'm sure if there comes a future where I would have to suffer for the sake of the world; I would. It may sound crazy but I know I would at least try."

You flip the card you've pulled over, and the question you read in your mind seems to ask you back;

'What is the kind of person you would love the most?'

Love is too heavy a word for you to bear just yet.

"Sure, there's a chance I could give up at some point but..."

The kind of person you would "love" is...

"I would do anything to protect the people I care for. That's more than enough reason to drive me to even hell."

"..."

Cael remains silent.

Once you've realized how heavy the atmosphere, it's too late. You shift uneasily under his gaze but refuse to shy away, wanting to stay firm to your beliefs.

If you back away now, there's no way you'd ever get your true feelings across to him.

Finally–after what feels like a minute stretched thin into a century–he sighs, and closes his eyes with a sense of tiredness you rarely ever see with him. It makes him look human, only a little bit for a little while.

But you treasure that small moment nonetheless and remind yourself to keep it close to your heart, stringing these memories like seashells on a necklace.

"I think that... I understand you better now."

Endearment, affection, and a sense of loss; he keeps it all hidden within him as his eyes soften, eyelashes fluttering back at you.

"Take a different card from the deck."

He doesn't want to hear you ask him that question.

As time passes, the need to use his deduction grows less and less the more he understands you and spends time with you. He picks up your little habits like a child picking up small treasures by the beach, inspecting each and every one of them with a curiosity unique to him each time. It gives him a sense of novelty, and within it all, the feeling of being alive.

But sometimes–when he notices the too small twitch in your eyes, or the way your pupils dilate violently–it arises more questions than answers.

So he uses his deduction to answer a question unasked.

"What is the kind of person you would love the most?"

"You."

He didn't want to say that, or have to think about it at all.

So he pretends it doesn't exist.

But these kinds of questions linger on the back of his mind. Nagging him, spurring him on to entertain even more dangerous thoughts.

What sort of feelings did you have towards him?

What ifs of all sorts.

Human affection; something he could never understand.

But if there's anything he's sure of, he will keep every word you've spoken aloud close to his heart–the way you once did with his own words.

Always, even up until now...

Even beyond the day you died.

A mother from another world, and a father that gave up everything to be with her. They were all you had and now, you were ready to join them.

But that also meant that someone else had to come in their place, to the coffin you now rest in.

You didn't have many family members left, and less than a little of them have taken the time to visit you minus the children you've raised, and the children they've birthed. In contrast, the bonds you've formed with are many, and the funeral is packed with friends you've made from all walks of life.

Despite the crowd, it's quiet.

Cael hears your children softly sob over your coffin. But one of them–with posture astute–comes up to him holding a lily.

"Don't you want to see her one last time?"

His voice is tired, but firm. He keeps himself strong for the sake of his siblings, and inquires Cael. Having been mentored by him at some point, he was the only one with the courage to reach out to the man who refused to weep in this time of mourning.

"..."

"I'm sure she would have been more than happy that you came."

"...Thank you for the offer."

Without another word, Cael accepts the lily from his hands.

Approaching your coffin, his mind races with a multitude of thoughts.

'The hyacinths have bloomed beautifully in the garden you've left behind.'

Words he wanted to say.

'Did you know? That young man you befriended back in St.Shelter Academia came wobbling in just to pay a visit despite his old age.'

Things he wished to talk about and...

"....sigh."

Secrets he knows you won't hear anymore even if he were to scream it out to the world.

But when he sees your sleeping face–peacefully resting within death's arms–what surges through him is sadness, a pain that threatens to tear his being apart and...

An ignited sense of determination.

Wasn't there still something he could do?

"So you really are gone for good."

Every word he planned on saying beforehand is forgotten and forgone for something else more sincere.

'Without you, the Empire will probably find this place eventually.'

Not if he does something about it.

"It's okay now."

He places the white lily into your hands, tucks it between your fingers, making sure it stays firm within a grasp with no strength left.

"You can join him in peace, I'll take care of everything else."

The rest of the funeral continues on with a somber mood. Everyone who remains alive to remember you has come, all of them wishing to send you off with a farewell meant for someone precious to them.

The image of a girl smiling brightly in a painter's beret remains imprinted in their memories.

But in his, the strongest figure of you that remains in his mind is;

"So, no matter what we become, I need you to remember..."

"I'll never blame you."

He knows you won't.

'I hope you won't get angry at me for doing what I will later.'

The rest of the funeral passes by in a blur as a churn of thoughts suffocates his mind, and it's only when someone shouts out his name does he regain his bearings.

"Mr. Anselm!"

The boy from before comes up running up to him.

"What...do you plan on doing now?"

He hears the trepidation in his voice, but other than that, he hears you too. Hears the same tone you'd use whenever you tried to discern his true feelings through the highs and lows of the voice he spoke with.

You have never succeeded, and this boy most certainly will not either.

"I'll be moving on."

Cael smiles at him.

It is a very beautiful smile, perfectly done and it makes the young man raise his eyebrows at Cael questioningly.

"That sounded a lot more ominous than it should, you know that?"

He takes after you.

"I apologize. But you don't have to worry about me, just focus on taking care of the rest of the family."

"That's what I intend to, of course. But you were important to mom too."

"..."

'Don't say that, not right now.'

'I'll start thinking...:

Not when he's already made up his mind.

"Mom told me about the Infinite Empire."

'I'll start thinking she wouldn't want this.'

"You don't need to worry about that."

Cael cuts him off swiftly, leaving no room for argument. But all it does is leave the boy even more indignant.

"Just listen to me-!"

"Please."

"!"

Cael doesn't stop walking forward, moving away from the legacy she'd built but he knows that when he speaks out into the night sky, his words are heard.

"This is the only thing I can do for her."

It is the only thing keeping him going.

"In her place, be happy."

The boy watches as the man who loved his mother so much–the same man who watched him grow up–walk away into the depths of the city. Never to be found again.

A sad tune sounds across the universe. The eagle is singing its final mourning song, as the young chickling leaves the world for good.

This is goodbye.

If you told Cael to pick between the sun and moon, he would answer you with stars. Because they remind him of you, small and bright, twinkling in the night no matter how dark it is in the endless void of space.

They are gentle, unassuming. Just like you, and just like every single one of them, burning brightly only to burn itself out and snuff it's life away to nothingness. It is nature's will, the truth of reality.

And he will make all living beings realize this inevitability, even the Infinite Empire.

It is hard, even with all his efforts. The power that he had been subservient to all this time–the same power that rendered him a useless cog in a machine–opposes him with similar passion. It is only natural, no one likes it when those at the bottom rebel against the hand outstretched to them. Though perhaps that's not the most accurate analogy he could use for his situation.

It is long, tiring, but it keeps him going and living. For now.

He hasn't set foot on Earth in 618@√$π¥°¢~§ days.

Cael doesn't remember what the colour green looks like anymore.

'But it'll be worth it all. So until then...'

Let his existence thrive until the day he remains the last living destruction of this universe.

"I don't understand you."

His younger self reprimands him, questions him.

A young boy wearing a ponytail stares at him from afar as he seats himself on the steps of a ruin only he remembers.

"If you refuse to tell me anything, you should stop this nonsense, it's tiresome."

"..."

How does he answer him?

He doesn't. Turning his back on him, he puts distance between his youth and his present.

His endlessly, endlessly long present.

It's corroding him, it's eroding him. Because that's what happens when a statue believes it can withstand the force of time, carver unaware, a robot made naive for one purpose. He exists to destroy, and be destroyed.

If only he were human.

2&@$7 days have passed again.

He lives this existence in the form of long paragraphs travelling down his mind as if it were all just a story. He can't recognize anything anymore, he simply goes through the motions. And everything he sees or hears filters through his mind as static data, to be used, but never treasured. Except for the image of you in his mind.

"I would do anything to protect the people I care for. That's more than enough reason to drive me to even hell."

Back then, he admired that determination. Some part of him coveting that light–wishing for that same strength–while the rest of him tried to covet you.

Of course, that didn't work out well.

But if it is hell you would've followed, then it's fine if he goes there for your sake, right?

'WRONG!'

He winces, hearing your cry in his head. It's a hallucination, and at the same time it isn't.

But he tries to ignore it.

'I didn't want this for you! I...!"

He hears your phantom sob resound across the stage he thought cleared barren of colour.

'I just wanted you to be happy!'

Just a little longer...

"And then I'll grant you that wish."

It's been 5 days since he responded.

"Please wait for me. I'll keep our home safe as long as possible."

A home he won't return to. A home filled with warm and bittersweet memories of the times he's shared with her.

He has finally returned back to earth.

At the same beach he took you to when you were young, he stands by the shore listening to the crashing waves rocking against the rocks and sand. They glitter and glimmer, like little stars scattering across the waves in red and white as the sun set.

The sun still sets, no one knows how it still does except for him.

For the first time in a long time, he has granted himself some reprieve from the long war he rages against the Infinite Empire. He stands here–all alone–and sees the lanterns left by people float ashore.

Looking over the hillside, he sees a run-down wooden house you would visit in the summer as a getaway, and beyond it, the city lights mixing in with the reddish hue of dusk. He doesn't plan on visiting civilization at all; he's too afraid. Afraid that if he took a closer look at the world you once lived in, he'll start wanting again.

"She lived in this world."

He makes his way across the long stretch of the beach alone, all the way until the end of time.

This is enough for him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY @romance-rambles MY BIRTHDAY TWIN HOORAYYYYYYYYYYY

[moonpie016]

Moon goes on a whole talking session.

*Walks in and realizes that this is becoming a frequent thing to post on here. And I'm happy about that, because I get to show what I make all the time. :]*

But now onto the drawings, and will eventually make a list on things I want to do next because that'll help me stay on track.

---

Positive stuff below the drawing.

---

It's the dudes inside my head, yay. Though they're all asleep, well two of em are. I drew this for whatever purpose it would serve, that being that my insides, while still a confused state and overall over reactive response to anything that needs rephrasing. Or just anything that happens, good, bad, whatever, that it has a way of comforting itself. It tries.

It tries to do the bare minimum of existing, even if it is tricky with having to always remember and think of more to do.

How to react appropriately, how to understand things to its full capability. How to understand others and everything more.

It's difficult, not in the way that doing things is difficult, but however that goes. These conceptualized beings of emotion have existed for some time, don't remember when but they have. But they always hadn't looked like this, obviously/lh.

But they all serve the same purpose combined or separate.

---

And, to go completely off topic, to go ramble.

Songs have whatever emotional attachment they can hold, whether important or not, it's just something that sticks. Helps.

And as you can see how much art I make, how many times I've probably listened to most of all the songs on repeat by now, what random pieces of dialogue I'll spew to write.

Chonny's music is comfort. Now it isn't just his, other artists as well. But those aren't important rn. His music in general, not just CCCC. Through whatever emotional moment months ago that made me feel lost and confused on what to do, what do I do now. I needed to find something to latch onto, if not, I'd feel..off. like I wasn't doing anything, because I wasn't doing anything. I tried to get into stuff but it wasn't working, like it needed to naturally happen instead of force myself.

The music has related to my state of mind (no pun) at certain points. And I find that comforting. Concerning? Maybe, but comforting.

Like, getting into what's popular, what new game, but that didn't work. And I'm kinda happy my brain decided to be now fixated on this man's music. Sure every time I'd like to explain or show someone, I need to specify and always show specific songs. Cus. Yeah. But now, I see people's work and stuff, and it's all so cool. And though the inconsistency of this blog is very apparent. I've enjoyed my time on here, very much. Even if I don't always actually speak to someone, because I don't really know what to say or start a conversation. (Seeds/social anxiety). I'm still happy for whatever interaction I get. I'm happy to feel included in this bizarre/pos and silly household. Idk why I'm calling it a household. Just go with it.

Even if I linger around or just post a drawing, I'm enjoying it. Some artwork may be more serious than silly. But yeah.

And to also just say whatever without rethinking is great, now I'm not going to say anything out of word. But just being silly in general with my wording. Y'know? Make odd jokes or talk excessively. (Wow).

Sum it up, I appreciate you all. Though you don't know me or I know you, it means a lot. I didn't think a joke about Heart beating up Mind would be turned into anything else, or that people would actually say anything.

This is just a happy little appreciation thing. I don't know how to end it! I just felt to write this.

So, uh yeah. :3

*Runs back into the hills*

Thanks for reading my ramble/pos.

---

[mod-jazzy]

Probably the dumbest munday question across the land but do you have any advice for creating good oc reference sheets? In terms of stuff like canvas size, % of space given to the character and colors, how much information to include, and background colors.

It's definitely an ocd thing for me but I have a hard time making refs that are both informative and look nice without being too cluttered or bare. Your oc refs are always very helpful so aajhbdsjkbhsd

(( WEEPS THANK YOU FOR THE KIND WORDS?? I didn't answer it before because I.. forgot!

BUT I WILL TRY TO ANSWER TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY...

DISCLAIMER SONG This is how I personally make my OC references, based on tips I've been given over the years and what I find easiest for me! I make my OC references for ME and based on my own preferences, so they are heavily catered to what I want in a reference image. Also because I will forget how to draw my own character if I do not have it. That's not a joke either I am just that bad at what I do lmaO

Behold my totally professional labelled example of a basic reference, using... Basic!

THE ANATOMY OF A JAZZY REFERENCE

This is basically how I try to make my references look most of the time! Simple but it works for me!

I ELABORATE MORE BELOW THE CUT I just talk so much I am sorry

Number 1: A basic pose

For reference images, I always use a bare basic pose. I do not try to do anything dynamic or special. It is a reference image, it is meant to show the design clean and concise, not to impress anyone. I have a inside joke of "Stand straight, Hand Out" with myself because that is 99% of my reference images lmao The main image is always unshaded. I do not shade my refs. At most I will add effects to the eyes, but that is it. I avoid shading refs because a ref should be the basic plain colors. I know some shade but still add plain color dots.. but a lot of the time with complicated OC designs, adding shading can confuse some people. I know I certainly get confused! So I avoid it at all costs

Number 2: LARGE color dots

Having color dots / some form of palette is obviously extremely important... so people can like.. color pick. BUT I make them LARGE. Taking up around half the ref sometimes. I do this because if you make the dots too small, they will be JPEG crunched when shared across platforms. It creates a pixel crunch that makes the actual color harder to color pick. (Unless you are linking from a HD source, but also depends what device you are using. My phone will crunch images even if they are HD because.. It's a phone.) I have colored so many people's OCs wrong due to their color dots being itty bitty and forced under image crunch. I've had my own OCs colored wrong because of my refs having small color dots that were put in the ImageCrusher5000. Having large color dots doesn't entirely stop image crunch, but it makes it less egregious.

Number 3: Special eye and mouth color dots

Kind of lumped in with Number 2 but important for me to make separate from the normal color dots. For eyes, as I mentioned I sometimes add effects to character eyes in the ref image. So having a blank plain colors is needed for better color picking. It's a apology from me for adding effects from the reference image lmao

For the mouth, I just add that merely because I have a lot of OCs with odd colored mouths! I love making silly mouth colors!! Having a OC whose tongue is just blue for some reason! It's silly and it's fun! So I add a special "mouth" color dot to the image to show it! I also sometimes use it to show the OCs teeth style. (shark teeth.. flat teeth.. etc etc. It's not ALWAYS the case but still!)

Number 4: Bland/Themed color background

For backgrounds on reference images... I try to keep them plain! Because the focus should be on the character, not the background.

So I try to keep the backgrounds simple. I generally try to choose colors that are dull to draw more focus to the actual character. Nothing eye searing or painful, but I also don't want the background to "blend" with the character colors itself. Especially when it comes to color dots, if the background matches or blends too well with the color dots, they can be hard to see! Just easier to pick a dull, yet mildly ""clashing"" (lack of better word) color to make sure the character and the color dots are seen as best as possible. I will sometimes "Theme" a reference based on what blog/story they are from! All Ask-Eden refs are purple with a dark purple stripe! All Ask-Scrafty refs are this weird dull red color with stripes! Etc etc It's not needed for me to do that, I just do it because it's fun for me to have all the references for a specific story ""fit together"" if that makes sense!

Number 5: Name and Pronouns

Self explanatory really. I wouldn't say a ref NEEDS this information per say, depends on the context. But I generally add this information that way when I share the OC to others, the information is there and easy. That way nobody gotta question who they are or what pronouns they use, it's just already right there. Also avoids having your character misgendered and such. Which may not manner to some, but it does to me so I add it!

Number 6: Speech Colors

This only applies to my ask blog characters I do this because I have a lot of characters... who talk a lot! Often at the same time! So having each fella have their own special colors for their speech bubble, helps show who is talking easier. This is my own personal thing however, I know some people literally do not care but I like it.. so I do it! I add the color text there so that way the viewer knows "Black bubble with green text is This Character talking" and that way I myself, can color pick the bubble so the text remains consistent. Although sometimes depending on the lighting, I may tweak the speech colors a bit.... But they generally "stay true". I would rather tweak a speech bubble color slightly in a image than have it be unreadable, yknow?

Number 7: Important Design Tidbits

These are the tiny bits of text I'll add to a reference, ranges from basic info about the character to design info! I try to limit the amount of information on the ref to what is needed or what I deem is "important to know when drawing this character"

Stuff like this:

I try to keep the information short as I can to avoid cluttering text on the image. I also put things that someone might miss or "get wrong" when drawing the character or just mini text blurbs to describe what is happening in the image. If it is important to the characters design, I add it to the ref.

I cannot complain that someone "drew my OC wrong" if the reference image didn't clarify that aspect clearly. It never hurts to clarify even if it seems obvious

Also it is for me to remember! That way I'm not like "wait why does this guy have these weird spots again?" Because again I just.. I just forget constantly.

Number 8: Bonus Info

THIS can range honestly.

In the example doodle I showed a close up of a paw, to show paw pad details/colors

but this can range from showing another hairstyle.. some extra expressions... Or sometimes, if the character wears clothing, I'll include a another image of the character without the clothes on I do this to show body patterns or body types better. As clothing can hide/restrict what is shown. It's useful for me to have, that way when I draw the character again in a different outfit, I can have accurate info on how their body patterns work. Instead of just winging it every time. I try to not include too much of this stuff in the "main reference" I know some people do but I try to keep my refs as minimal as I can

IF A DESIGN WAS MADE BY ANOTHER PERSON, I will often give text credit within the reference image! I just want peeps to receive as much credit as they can for something they designed. So if it is already in the reference image, it just makes it easier! I usually do it in small text somewhere to the side.

I AM SO SORRY I TALKED FOR SO LONG ABOUT THIS

HONESTLY I just try to keep my reference's as simple as possible. Simple and Clean. I used to make REALLY cluttered references in the past and honestly I don't think my character's need a wall of text on a ref page I just draw a guy standing there with his hand out and slap on some color dots and call it a day.

I can't say I have anything on canvas size? Canvas size is something I literally never pay attention to. I'm a fake artist I know I just do not look at those numbers So my canvas sizes range a lot of the time I think. I only just recently started using the same canvas size for Ask Blog Posts, but that's only because I got really lazy and just copy and pasted some panels

ANYWAYS there is a horrifying insight on how I make reference images!! Could I have simplified this? Yeahg,.

but yeah again thANK YOU FOR THE KIND WORDS ANON!!! So sorry for yapping at you for so long !!!!!

[faeratil]

Because I have no one in person that I can rant to about my thoughts on Cinderella and the Four Knights (2016), you guys get to hear my thoughts.

First, I put this show on because I had just finished Tomorrow (2022), and I needed something sappy and full of cliché tropes to help distract me from the emotional trauma. I did my best from episode 1 to try and guess who was endgame for Eun Ha-Won based on all of the stereotypes and the way the interactions between her and the Kang cousins were written, and I feel like my original thoughts would’ve been a better ending.

Also with the way that the characters were written, they really should’ve called it Cinderella and the Three Knights because the fourth “knight” wasn’t even really written to be a Love Interest in spite of him being one of the best characters (until stuff happens with his mother and then it’s like being disappointed by your longtime crush and wanting to smack some sense into them).

My thoughts on the characters, though:

Eun Ha-Won

I love her. She deserves the world. She is an absolute ball of sunshine in spite of all the shit she’s had to deal with and continues to deal with straight through to the final meeting she has with Chairman Kang. I think she’s gorgeous, and I hate that she thinks she’s not pretty just because of how the Kang cousins treat her vs Park Hye-Ji. She honestly could’ve made it through the whole show without a Love Interest and I would’ve liked that more than the actual ending. She’s strong physically, mentally, and emotionally. She’s very smart and wants to use what she knows to teach others. She’s so very devoted to family in spite of how her stepmom and stepsister treat her, and even more so how her dad treated her. I would’ve tried to woo her myself if I had been in the show.

Kang Ji-Woon

The bad boy/bully type, the enemies-to-lovers trope, the stalker’s enabler. This man constantly looks like a crying wet puppy, but not in a cute way. He tries to look so sad and pitiful, and he’s an asshole from the get go. From the very start where he rolls his eyes and tries to give Ha-Won his watch when she asks him to apologize for not buying all the food he asked her to prepare at the convenience store, and then scoffs and immediately assumes she’d do anything for money (without considering the fact that she’s dead broke and needs money to survive). You think maybe there’s a redemption when he gives her a bouquet of white roses on the memorial day (I forget what the actual name of that day is called) of her mom’s death. And then you see him being a whiny puppy stuck to the second female lead, enabling her stalker tendencies and hating everyone who doesn’t immediately make Hye-Ji happy. He hates Hyun-Min so much that he also decides to pursue Ha-Won just to make him miserable when he thinks they’re engaged, not even caring about how it might make Ha-Won feel. He keeps doing sweet and caring things that make you think “oh she’s finally breaking down his tough exterior”, and then he just turns around and is an asshole again. He abandoned both Ha-Won AND Hye-Ji on the side of the road on separate occasions and then thought just saying “oh sorry” would fix it. I get that his backstory is sad, and I get that Chairman Kang fucked him over and basically forced him to accept the fact that he’s family, but it’s no excuse for the way he treats everyone else. Also, man needs to learn how to comb his hair and maybe take some allergy medication so his eyes stop watering and his nose isn’t always red.

Kang Seo-Woo

The unrequited love, the pop-star, the male best friend trope. I love him, and I hate that the writers barely gave him a chance. He tried so hard so many times to tell Ha-Won that he liked her. He did so many things to care for her, wrote love songs about her, used his status as a pop-star to help draw crowds away from Ha-Won when she was getting bullied by the girls who thought she was Chairman Kang’s mistress, was a genuinely kind person to everyone including Ha-Won’s best friend, and tried so many times to confess. I wish the writers would’ve taken just a couple more lines to have him say “no, Ha-Won, I’m not writing a love song right now, I’m telling you how I genuinely feel about you” and actually given her a chance to consider him. He saw how much Ha-Won hated the spotlight she got while everyone thought she was engaged to Hyun-Min, and he let pictures of himself in a girls uniform go viral just to stop more pictures of Ha-Won from leaking to the press. At any moment, he could’ve just done with Hyun-Min did and asked Ha-Won to play along with the rumors of them dating, but he actually considered Ha-Won’s feelings (glaring at you, Ji-Woon) and lied about his own feelings to protect her. If I had to choose between the Kang cousins, I would choose Seo-Woo.

Kang Hyun-Min

The spoiled rich kid, the playboy, the fake fiancé, the one afraid to actually love, the object of the stalker’s affection. I wish he had been endgame. They set it up so well in the beginning for him to be endgame. You could tell from the moment he saw Ha-Won beat up the assholes at the bar/party for not paying for the pizza delivery, he was developing feelings. He could’ve easily gone back on his bet with his friends and asked any other girl to go to Chairman Kang’s wedding with him, but he chose to go after Ha-Won, and even went all the way to the convenience store just to try and get her attention. His shock at hearing about BOGO deals with the ice cream was honestly cute, and he was kind enough to sit down with Ha-Won and enjoy the ice cream in spite of being raised directly under Chairman Kang (who makes it very clear what he thinks of anyone who isn’t rich), and he’s actually nice to her. At the beginning he still has that playboy attitude, but even after offering her money to be his date (and being turned down, good job Ha-Won for holding true to your values), he still tries. He picks her up for the wedding, opens the door for her, treats her the way a gentleman should treat a lady (win for chivalry!), and gives her a chance to feel as beautiful as she is. He also is very up front and adamant with Hye-Ji that he wants nothing to do with her, but she keeps showing up and trying to make him feel guilty for not still liking her after having a crush on her when they were NINE YEARS OLD, and it’s been 10 years (she bugs the hell out of me but we’ll get to her). Hyun-Min also is thinking of Ha-Won when he asks Chairman Kang and Secretary Lee to keep it secret from the other Kang cousins that Ha-Won isn’t his real fiancé, because he trusts that they wouldn’t try to pull anything on someone who was already in a relationship (fuck you Ji-Woon for taking that personally and making Ha-Won uncomfortable and confused). He keeps Ha-Won company so she won’t be alone, he goes along with her missions until his pride gets in the way, he buys her a whole wardrobe of clothes because she keeps wearing the same tracksuit for god knows how many episodes and just genuinely tries to make her feel comfortable and taken care of so she can focus on the things she actually needs to do instead of just surviving. I wish that he had seen Ha-Won when she got dolled up in that black and blue dress, he would’ve fallen for her all over again. Unfortunately, the writers decided that the “childhood lovers/first love” trope was more important for Hyun-Min and Hye-Ji, and they had him go back to her even though she was being a stalker after he repeatedly said no. Also hella power move that the heir to the Haneul group in his early 20s would go stand before a board of directors and his grandpa’s wife to save his grandpa’s company after being a slacker playboy up until he met Ha-Won. I love him. I wish he had ended up with Ha-Won. Fuck the writers for putting him with his stalker.

Lee Yoon-Sung

The “fourth knight”, the secretary to the chairman, the by the book character. They never even gave him a chance to be considered a Love Interest, so it kept bothering me that they called it “…Four Knights” and then only made 3 of them potential LIs. He is the most efficient and down to earth of all the guys, he does his job exceedingly well, he respects the absolute hell out of Ha-Won and tries his best to make the Kang cousins respect her as well, he’s a master of tae-kwon-do, he’s deeply loyal to the chairman until a bigger issue comes up, and he’s a very obvious fan favorite. I was very disappointed that the writers made him side with Madame Ji even for the time that he did because he had been so against treating her as his mother after she abandoned him with an abusive drunk father 12 years prior, but I am glad his loyalty to the chairman won out. Also very happy that they included him in their friend group at the end, my man needs to learn to relax (but not with alcohol… my emetophobia did not appreciate the end of the drunk dinner…).

Park Hye-Ji

The second female lead. I cannot stand her. I hate that the writers even included her past the first couple episodes, and I hate even more than they ended up letting her win with Hyun-Min. She’s a very “woe is me” character who acts like she’s entitled to everyone’s attention, especially Hyun-Min’s, just because he gave her a ring when they were 9 and her family got along with the Kang family before her brother died. This girl spends 10 years pining over Hyun-Min after she has not seen or heard from him AT ALL in those 10 years, shows up at his house unannounced when he returns to Korea from studying abroad, constantly shows up wherever he is in public and just looks at him all sad and pathetic like he belongs to her and is cheating on her, she’s been told by him numerous times in basically every episode that he does not want her around and that she should give up even to the point where Hyun-Min has to threaten to never acknowledge her again, she hates Ha-Won for being close to Hyun-Min and then later Ji-Woon, she jumps from guy to guy after Hyun-Min’s threat starting with Ji-Woon because she knows it’ll piss off Hyun-Min the most, she assumes anyone who is nice to her must be in love with her and feels personally attacked and betrayed when they’re like “no I’m just a nice person, I don’t have feelings for you”, blames Hyun-Min for her being so sad and depressed when she’s the one who can’t just fucking get over him from when THEY WERE CHILDREN, constantly tries to make moves and get close to Hyun-Min on the trip and after she moves into Haneul House, and then turns around and is like “I never want to see you again” when Hyun-Min tries to treat her more kindly and tries to explain why he was being such a dick to her. And yet they end up together. Because “childhood love/first love” was more important to the writers than the fact that they made the second female lead a self absorbed entitled stalker. The only thing that comes to mind that puts her in a good light was when she let Ha-Won spend the night, but even that was reluctant and she only started being nice after Ha-Won admitted that the engagement was fake. She should’ve just taken the fashion scholarship to Paris and finally gotten out of the Kang’s lives. If she was alone in a foreign country she might actually learn to rely on herself instead of always expecting Hyun-Min or Ji-Woon to come running.

Hong Ja-Yeoung

Seo-Woo’s biggest fan, Ha-Won’s best friend, an absolute cupcake of a character. I want her to be my best friend. It did annoy me that at the beginning of the trip, she left Ha-Won to do stuff alone just because Seo-Woo wasn’t joining them, but my girl has Ha-Won’s back in every other situation. She was even willing to support Ha-Won and Seo-Woo when the scandal article was published saying that they were engaged when they weren’t. She also was determined enough to get close to her favorite pop-star that she came up with a plan to help him escape his fan girls by wearing her school uniform, and she managed to sneak some photos of him crossdressing as well that he later used to help Ha-Won. She’s been there for Ha-Won through everything and did whatever she could to help even though she herself didn’t have much. I am so happy for her that she gets to be part of Seo-Woo’s management team in the end.

Chairman Kang

Classist asshole who values highly skilled and charismatic employees, but continues to treat them like trash if they stop acting like employees. For him, money buys everything including people, and he has almost completely forgotten what it’s like to actually care about someone until Ji-Woon is on his knees in tears begging him to give his blessings to him and Ha-Won, bringing up how the chairman made his mom leave his dad to remind him of the horrible mistake he made in the past. Chairman Kang talks all the time about wanting the Kang cousins to act as a family, but doesn’t even act like a grandpa to them. He acts like a dictator by threatening to cut them off from everyone and everything if they don’t do exactly what he says. He has good instinct not to trust Madame Ji towards the end, but you would think after 4 failed marriages he would have some way of blocking any future wives from trying to take over the company. I’m glad he finally gave Ha-Won his blessing, but just the wrong cousin.

That being said! In spite of the endgame love interest and the stalker, the interactions were pretty cute and it was entertaining. It was much needed after watching Tomorrow. I’m going to acknowledge that canon has Ha-Won with Ji-Woon, but in my mind I will always pair Ha-Won with Hyun-Min or Seo-Woo, and believe that Hye-Ji would actually go away (and STAY away) after Hyun-Min rejected her at the wedding.

[cow-legs]

What are some of your favorite videogames? ♡ ♡ ♡

(extremely long post incoming lol turns out i have a lot of things to say on this subject)

usually i have too hard of a time trying to remember anything i like to have answers for questions like these but thankfully for this one i have answers prepared since this is something i try to think about a lot

realistically if i had to pick one single "favorite videogame" above the rest itd probably just, like, ocarina of time & majora's mask (i'm considering them to be one videogame because i said so, it;s a package deal), just on account of how much of an impact they had on me from an early age combined with just how often i Still go back to revisit them in one way or another, but this is just about the most basic boring answer a person can have for this question unfortunately

thankfully you asked for some of my favorites instead of just one so i can unveil my Actual list of favorites instead of the one that only holds the top spot by technicality and not because i actually like it "the most". all of my favorite games have such a range in style and quality it's hard to really compare them in any meaningful way

anyway

crypt worlds, space funeral, and off-peak are all pretty different games made by very different people but i usually group them together when talking about stuff like this since collectively finding them all back in the day at roughly the same time kind of shaped my perception of indie games as a whole which probably gave me a very weird and skewed perception of the media but who gives a shit really it's a perception i hold dear. (they weren't the first indie games i ever saw of course but they were the most personally impactful ones that made me go "holy shit, this is awesome, you can do literally whatever you want")

they've pretty heavily influenced my own games, too. there have been multiple times i've started a project and then days later realized "wait shit this is just space funeral again. i'm just making space funeral again but slightly to the left. fuuuck" which is a pretty good problem to have i think.

anyway,

gadget: invention, travel, and adventure is an old point and click game i found a few years ago that struck me by just how unique feeling its atmosphere is. strange looking people turn to you and say even stranger sounding things, the soundtrack feels like its having a nervous breakdown, the main character is given so few meaningful decisions/actions (read: basically none) by the people around them that it can barely be considered a game at all…it is a very fascinating experience, and one that i think back to a lot

i like Your Turn To Die a lot and am very excited to see how it ends, though i feel like i don't have too much to say on it here. one of those games that has me going "oh man i should draw more fanart for that one of these days" every time i'm reminded of it only to then remember that i Can't Fucking Draw right now lmao

myhouse.wad is something that extremely deserves to go on this list but a large part of my brain is telling me not to just because somewhere along the line i fucked up and became allergic to anything that has ever recently become popular & trendy on youtube because i don't want to look like a poser even though literally no one but me cares about where i hear about these things so i can only bring myself to include it if i also state that i played it BEFORE it was cool &all the streamers started covering it like some kind of shameful hipster. but for real though its awesome, very inspiring stuff. i wish my brain did not force me to want to distance myself from it for literally no good reason. fucking ocarina of time is on this list why is this the thing that makes you afraid of looking like a normie

i have a lot of appreciation for myst in a kind of "i've never played more than 5 minutes of this nor have i even bothered to watch a playthrough of it but i understand what you have done for me and the games i love that came after you" kind of way. i have purchased 3 different copies of it over the years as well as a copy of riven and i don't intend on playing any of them anytime soon. great game, probably. i wouldn't know.

i like a lot of kitty horrorshow's games but i don't really know what my favorite would be. lethargy hill is probably the one i think about most often though.

i like (the steam version of) dwarf fortress a lot and have been trying to play it more often. it is very funny having 80 hours in a game and still not feeling like you understand half the mechanics in it. figuring it out as i go along has been fun though. in a similar vein i also like elden ring a lot and despite being at over 160 hours on that one i still haven't beaten it. i need to get back to it before the dlc comes out but i stopped playing for so long that most of my muscle memory is gone…

for something much more recent than all of the above, absolutely perfect specimen is something really incredible that gave me a lot of stuff to think about, though it can be a little hard to recommend since it's extremely 18+ and has a whole big list of content warnings you definitely need to take heed of. extremely interesting work though, i like it a lot.

i'm running out of things to list off and should probably stop just for the sake of time even if there is more shit that deserves mentioning so i'll just end it off with CLONE ON NET YAROZE BABYYYYYY LET'S FUCKIN GO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 💯💪🙌💥💯💯

[chevvy-ryder]

[NC_RES]-31102049-EUR-GER scharfenberg_g_portraits_015_3_KBI-DA_WA.file ///core:_ryder_von_scharfenberg.file\\\

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⚠️ READ: Please do not repost/reupload any of my art here or to any other platform, or I will be forced to do anything to get it annihilated.

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Ryder's theme playlist.

Beware – long text passages behind the cut.

I've tried to shorten it but it's somehow gotten to a character eassy. So maybe save it for later and read it when you got time for it if Ryder really interests you. He is so dear to me and so complex I try to explain him with the help of this song collection for you to underline and understand his character better. I just lack of explaining it in a short way.

Blade Runner His main theme. It is no such wonder I chose a Blade Runner (end) title for him, because when I look at Ryder I always say to myself "You're my one true Cyberpunk 2077 character" — and Blade Runner basically is the foundation of this amazing yet dystopian future noir genre after all. I've always found the music in the original movie tremendously moving and mysterious in a way I've never experienced before. And so is Ryder to me: mysterious and evocative. A book I had and still have to read, to find out who he is. If you do not know him, you can only speculate who and what he is. He's that dark character, that looks frightening and bleak to you, stares at you until you look away. You may want to, but you can't stop looking at his drawing presence. Yet it is a mask he wears or rather is also forced to wear, because behind all this mystery is his true character savely kept for VIP only. The drums in this song represent he might be the dangerous sinister type whilst the synthesizer gives this overall beautiful and mysterious tune surrounding him, that feels somehow more chilling than dangerous. Yet there's still a hint of threat in that song because of its continuous fast paced cadence. If you could see the world through Ryder's eyes, it looks exactly like in Blade Runner, a city full of neon lights but in a mere monotone way — darker, less saturated, even at day because skyscrapers block the sunlight down in the streets. Buildings built onto buildings, lots of (acid) rain pouring down daily. Ryder knows how this world, he was born into, works. It is reigned by corrupt rich Corpos wanting nothing but power absorbing every small independent corporation, reign over people, don't tell what goes on behind the curtains because the lesser folk doesn't need to know (cloning/human meat theory, soul killer program, black wall etc.) — the rich don't care what happens to them. They are only interested in their money and consumption behaviors. At the same time Ryder knows what's going on down in the streets because he walks amongst them voluntarily. He sees the misery that is going on, people are mostly poor and barely can make a living if they don't devote their whole lives to working for the big ones. Humans become more and more synthetic, so much that the rise of cyberpsychosis is getting higher and higher and becoming more problematic than ever as they can not control it anymore while AI reigns the net, controlling an entire population (including himself) in a subtextual way. I don't want to compare Ryder exactly with Blade Runner. His job is not to hunt down bioengineered humanoids. He's a merc who hunts down those bad for this city and the entire world to make it a better place. He knows that the original vision of Night City was something entirely different and he's got hope that it can still be put on the right track. He devotes himself to this, as a merc, fighting that what he once was supposed to be too, but never felt like he belonged into: power-hungry Corpos like his father. Ryder's weapons are blades and he runs them into the flesh of his enemies — therefore: Blade Runner. If you listen closely at the end you'll also hear rain and a breath before it ends. Fits so to Ry.

Mesa Another Blade Runner (2049) song. It is calm, yet still mysterious right from the start, lingering, single piano tunes make it sound threatening but also interesting that you want to listen further. Then it gets bright, and nice, warm even, turning into a beautiful melody. Ryder’s personality is exactly like that melody. He doesn't trust anyone right from the start. But when he feels he can do that and decides to let someone in, he opens up towards you. He's not the mean guy, it is quite the contrary: he's got a heartwarming personality, a lower voice with a certain softness in itself that makes you wish he would read you a good night story. But this takes time, and you should let him decide when that time is. Because yet that song bears a threatening moment towards the end: suddenly it gets awfully loud and sounds even alerting — that is when Ryder's mood suddenly snaps. He gets mean even to a point where anger turns up from zero to hundred — it only takes a stupid commentary at the wrong time. Beware when it happens and choose your further proceeding carefully — because there is something lingering inside him that likes to have him angry.

Let Me Out is the song that represents that something inside him he started calling 'Bad Enduring (&) Aggressing Sinister Termination' (program) or in short: 'BEAST'* at a certain point in his and the teams story because it is what it forces him to do: do evil (bad) — in his eyes it definitely is because in a lot of cases he does not want to act this way. It is constantly (enduring) haunting him. It happens in a very assaulting (aggressing) way. And it is scaring (sinister) him as well. It only ends with death (termination) for his opponent while he is lucky to have survived each time. He doesn't know how it looks (it is mostly a distorted shadow with sharp teeth) and where it came from, but it is a daily and constant knock-knock that says: "Time to be angry. Now where is that hunger to kill? I know you want it. Fetch me their souls. Hey! — I'm here, don't you ignore me! Let me out! They harmed you. Kill them. Let me help. Let me out! Let me kill! Let me kill them all!" That song exactly does that: having a constant knocking-like beat. It never stops except for a few seconds accompanied by various other threatening dark and strange sounds making you slowly go crazy. Ryder is dealing with this constant pounding almost daily. It never lets him alone, since it first showed up in 2070 and took a part of control when he had his first rampage damaging his own furniture at home. He noticed that his anger grew as soon as he moved to Night City and it's gotten worse over time. First he thought it was because of the constant violation and degradation he received from his family, but he is sure this plays only a minor part now, since he cut ties with his Corpo life about seven years ago. He assumes the source must be something else or the only explanation left could be he’s close to end up becoming a cyberpsycho. Aware of that he chose to fight it even more. There are times he is able to completely ignore it, and he finds some peace when he is listening to his favorite music, passes out or is sleeping because thankfully he's got a very deep sleep at last. Carrying it always with him, he got used to living with it though, but lately (2078) it seems to have received an update that made it stronger than ever (it also makes him stronger in fights) and it frightens him more than ever. It bears one of his greatest fears: him hurting those around him he loves because he can’t remain in control over it anymore. And he knows he's a threat and a burden to his team as well once it happens. But Vijay insists that Ry stays part of it and promised to help him no matter what. *I want to underline that beast is not my idea. The overall AI idea is part of @nervouswizardcycle's (Void Jester) story, we just happened to work it out so my boys fit better in and named it beast one day. I like the thought for Ryder giving it the name BEAST, all caps, as written above because he will describe it to other people as that but he doesn't know it is an AI program controlling him. Finding out about it is gonna be mindblowing. A fun fact: he could just frigging leave Night City and be free from it because it is only tied to it. Hilarious.

Berlin represents one of the many songs Ryder simply loves: good, (extra) hard, dark and loud techno beats giving him the best thrills with the ability to stimulate his senses so that he falls into a trance only concentrating on moving along to the beat: raving until his stamina completely fails of exhaustion. He can do it for hours — his stamina is incredibly high through years and years of raving almost every night until the sun goes up. He's been on 24h raves many times. There's nothing better than those hard beats for him. Not only can he vent his anger through it, that music lets him forget this mad world for a while, gives him freedom for the time being — it's just him moving along with the beat. All he wants is to rave until he can't anymore. He doesn't even drink beer then, just water to stay hydrated. But there's another important reason why his heart beats for those techno/dark wave beats: it overshadows the BEAST's constant pounding, so he won't hear it for the time being. The BEAT of various songs literally BEATS the BEAST here. You could also say in a way he trained to hear the BEAST as some constant techno song (which also explains why he's constantly fidgety — imagine having a 24/7 techno beat in your head and what you would do). Also the title "Berlin" is chosen because it was in Berlin when Ryder first came into contact with his favorite music. A lot of good memories are tied to it. He's the opinion that Germany makes the best Techno(ise) (it is even mentioned in the CP lore books as well, yup).

Berzerker + Don't You Know Who I Am I certainly wish these two songs could melt into one. I tried to choose only one but for me one can't do it justice without the other. However, they represent Ryder's battle/fight theme. I've already mentioned them in a tag game post a while ago, but here we go again: 'Berzerker' is similar to Let me Out but harder and faster, so it can be seen as when Ryder is fighting yet still remains in control, slicing his Mantis blades through the flesh of his enemies while his Berserk operating system, Zetatech Berserk Mk.5, is activated. It boosts him up with an immense strength and resilience, increases his melee damage and receiving hits only make him stronger and more powerful. The song gets wilder in between when he's going into a killstreak having beast mode activated, dealing a huge amount of damage. Since his blades are standard with no effect they only deal physical damage with a high possibility for bleeding and dismembering. Depending on how hard the enemy ist, how long the fighting takes and how annoying they are to him, the chance to go literally berserk becomes critically high: he will slowly lose control with BEAST now taking over. It literally consumes him for the time being and all he sees is black and white with red shadowy distorted figures that are enemies and friends all together (robots and drones do not appear as distorted shadows at all though). That is when the song 'Don't You Know Who I Am' takes over: Ryder turns into his total unstoppable berserk mode killstreak — you better stay away from him. The raging screams in this song represent his sheer anger as he charges towards his target while the sound of blades can be imagined as he's slicing his sharp blades through everything and everyone in a total blind rage. The song is also very fast paced. Ryder has no Sandevistan but he's fast and versatile when it comes to running and parcouring and even dodging. His reaction reflex is trained constantly for years and he keeps his body agile.

Mörder This is another song I found way later when I've already written all of this post here but these lyrics hit so into the guts because they are so point — they describe how he sees himself concerning his out of control being: that he's a monster and a murderer. The lyrics are in German though: Dann steh ich vor einem Plakat und lese, Was ich getan habe, Und lese und lese: das habe ich getan? Aber ich weiß doch von gar nichts! Aber wer glaubt mir denn, wer weiß denn, Wie's in mir aussieht, wie es schreit Und brüllt da drinnen, Wie ich es tun muss... will nicht Muss... will nicht... muss! Aber ich, kann ich denn, kann ich denn anders? Hab' ich denn nicht dieses Verfluchte in mir, Das Feuer, die Stimme, die Qual? Ich will davon, vor mir selber davonlaufen! Aber ich kann nicht, kann mir nicht entkommen, Muss, muss den Weg gehen, den es mich jagt. Muss rennnen, rennen endlose Straßen... Ich will weg, ich will weg... Und mit mir rennen die Gespenster Müttern und Kindern. Sie gehen nie mehr weg, sie sind immer da, Immer, immer, immer! Nur nicht wenn ich's tue here is a translation via translator. Ryder isn't proud to always leave a mess of pool of blood, organs and dead literally shredded bodies behind. It scares him as well a lot of times as soon as he is coming back to his senses again. He doesn't remember what he's done, all he sees is the mess that's left around him. You could say he has gotten used to it with the years passing by since he learned to live with it, but since it got even worse it frightens him more than ever. He judges himself heavily thinking he's not better than those out there doing bad to harmless people even tho he kills only the bad ones. He also wishes to be more like Vijay (V is more you shall not kill orientented and leaves the badboy for the NCPD). It's Ryder's greatest wish that BEAST vanishes one day the same way it showed up, so that he is able to use his blades with a rather normal behavior instead of tearing everyone apart. He does not enjoy this kind of killing but he's got no choice, being unable to withstand the hunger to kill driven by BEAST turning him into a killer. Even Vijay could not help him, when he started looking into it. The only thing he can help with is to prevent the worst happening by resetting Ryder's Berserk System, so that he stops raging blindly. During this phase he will pass out for an undetermined amount of time and be vulnerable to his enemies. So it can only be activated when Ryder's safety is assured and another team member (also a reason why V wants more team members) can jump in fast to his side because Vijay is often too far away for him (Ryder's personal wish). Ryder gets a lot ofhelp by the team. Arki is dealing with similar to same problems but he remains in control. Arki sees a big threat in Ryder at first but as they get to know each other he understands Ry and offers his help to train how to focus and to stay calm. Thyjs joining in as the last one will do everything to help him. He's mostly back up to protect Ryder when he needs to be knocked out, giving Arki more room to concentrate on their enemy because he doesn't need to protect him anymore since Thyjs takes that role now.

Shake the Disease important mention: I did not choose the song because of the lyrics. I chose it because of its melody, which is why I went for an instrumental version made by someone else instead. So I would prefer you just blend out this is a Depeche Mode song (if you know it). Because if I'd chosen that because of the lyrics, netlords — I'd have to write something entirely different here now. That melody in this song stands for Ryder's good mood. Moments when he feels happy, content and simply has a very good time, completely forgetting about his troubles and worldly problems. Moments he spends with the team in the Afterlife having good talks. Moments of fun that conjure a bright grin on his lips. The melody sounds promising and accentuates that Ryder has already worked a lot on his selfesteem so he can be content with himself and proud of what he has achieved so far. He took his life in his own hands, chose who he wanted to be, that he got further away from having self destructive thoughts. This life of his was not lost, not hopeless. It is promising. He only needed a true friend (Vijay) who opened his eyes to see the world from a different angle – it is also why it sounds so close to Vijay’s themes (both like listening to Depeche Mode). Life is precious and you should enjoy every day while you still can. Ryder doesn’t know what happens to him, his future is unwritten with that raging anger inside him, but he does the best to enjoy it as much as he is able to (and he will get rid of this thing for sure so he don't has to kill anymore). He deserves happiness and does not give up to seek it which can only be achieved with this nesting demon inside him gone for once and all.

Memories of Green A calm song – another Blade Runner score one as well – it is one of those rare moments when everything seems calm for a while, presented by the piano. Yet there's still sounds wanting to distract. It stands for, that Ryder really wishes to concentrate fully on the piano, to take in its soothing melody, but has a bit of a hard time to blend out everything else around him. Some of these noises could also be done by his inner Beast to gain attention again. The piano stands for Thyjs as well, since Thy was taught to play piano. Ryder loves to listen to him playing some tunes a lot, it lets him forget almost everything, it's some balm for his never resting soul. He never thought he would enjoy classical music either — only with Thyjs he discovers it for the first time. So these are moments he tries to enjoy as much and as long as he can. Thyjs is going to mean the world to him. He has a natural gift to calm Ryder down similar to Vijay before but in a different way and Ryder will protect him as much as he protects his best friend all the time. He is more than thankful that Thyjs values him all the way he is, not caring he's murdered more than hundreds of living beings in the most cruel and agitating ways. It's because Thyjs can relate to it in a way since he was turned into being a killing machine trough Militech. He offers his help as well and does anything for him. Ryder never thought that after V he could fall this hard for someone else again. But Thyjs is the one. The calm center of the storm capable to handle the hot-headed angry man Ryder is, seeking peace he will find one day for sure.

heavy-heart.jpg

If you read all through here. I simply cannot give you enough kudos for it! Besten Dank! <3

[r1caner]

is this a safe space to admit that I hate Henry Cheng.

like probably more than I've hated any other fictional character that isn't intentionally an antagonist.

FIRST OF ALL. lets just get it out of the way. ill acknowledge im a freak about bluesey so bluechengsey and it's rampantness makes me want to kill myself.

BUT. I just hate that bitch I don't know he feels like a watered down more dickish version of gansey.

Plus the way he was written im not the biggest fan of but its not his fault. I won't hold it against him but it doesn't mean I love him for it either.

idk I feel like he was introduced sort of late and he was so unnecessary.

Plus I just have such a bone to pick that blue actually likes him. her ass isn't going to the next town over with that bitch much less Venezuela. I feel like she was just written to like him because what? he helped her and the group? because hes sort of like gansey?

the thing about gansey and blue is that gansey is the OPPOSITE of what blue would like, and what she THINKS she would like. that's why the transition from her liking Adam to gansey is so significant. Adam is who she's expected to like because hes like her. because its what she thought, too. but gansey has a way of surprising people, sneaking up on them with his goodness.

actually, genuinely liking gansey happens because of the small things that make him him. and it happens pretty slow. she only really finds things she's fond of or interested in about him most of the way through the first book. halfway through the second she's only acknowledging he has a nice mouth and he's one of her raven boys. in the same way that RONAN is (who she is never romantically involved with and only [at least at that point] barely friends with [which makes me upset more Ronan blue scenes!!!!!]) and of course she's starting to harbor romantic feelings for gansey but like. of Course she is. curse and their mutual understanding of wanting to see more and be more and their connections with magic and each other that they're building.

and you expect me to believe Blue starts liking Henry (now I mean this in the way of liking him enough to be friends with him but it can also be interpreted romantically because its even MORE crazy and extreme [IN A BAD WAY] in that sense) after like two times of meeting him and one of those being at a stupid fucking toga party with a bunch of dickheads? Nah. she only went to that and imo only enjoyed herself because of gansey. because that's his effect.

its the things that make gansey gansey that draws blue to him. its his passion about glendower and doing what's right - his whole fucking quest for glendower came to him because he was told it as he was dead/dying/coming back to life, because he felt there was an injustice that his life was given to him while another was unfairly taken. he has this passion that makes him who he is, which is so probably what sets him apart from the freaks at aglionby.

(sidenote - everything about what gansey has experienced makes him the version of himself that he is which is why it's hard to believe he would be the way he is in any other scenario or universe. the things we go through change us, especially when those things include dying and being met with terrifying forces of energy and magic. Helen turned out okay but also she is older than he is and I hate to say it a woman. Not to be a crazy man hater but lets be real I feel like we would all be worse people had we been obscenely rich teenage boys surrounded by the likes of kavinsky and those people. could easily be terrible.)

gansey is imperfect and he fucks up a lot but it's not out of some insistence to be like the other boys he's around. hes just kind of dumb. so intelligent but so dumb. he's rich and he's 70 in a 17 year old body and he's overly friendly and polite and sounds like old money and doesn't really understand anything else. its the way he is and its so GANSEY like there's no other way to describe it. he is gansey and he is so interesting. because of how he hides himself because of how he is a million things at once at how he can not grasp what exactly to do or say but be so understanding because of his kindness because of his passion. that's why blue likes him, that's why basically everybody likes him. and gansey likes everybody, talks to everybody, so he likes and talks to Henry.

but why would the rest of them, ESPECIALLY blue?

Henry is just that watered down, less interesting version of gansey - intelligent but dumb, rich and overly friendly - but without all of the things that make him interesting or good. hes loud and not in a fun way. hes in your face and hes helpful but it doesn't suddenly make him less annoying or more enjoyable to be around. and especially consider the people he surrounds himself with lol. he didn't have a great upbringing (as far as I remember) BUT REMEMBER WHO RAISED ADAM FUCKING PARRISH LIKE BE FOR REAL.

it makes no sense that blue would like him. Like sure hes not a dirtbag like some other raven boys, like kavinsky or anybody. but hes not one of blue's boys.

idk it really irks me when people include him in gangsey OR WORSE replace Noah with him. Grinds my freaking gears. Noah's my guy my boy

but I don't know im in the process of rereading so maybe ill miraculously like him when im reintroduced ( ijbol🤣!).

[tonytylerdraws]

August Newsletter - Artist of Nothing 002

So far this month

Brushes

I’m still in the process of finalizing the design of the image, but I want to share Ibis Paint custom brushes. A lot art tutorials and resources lean heavily into Procreate and Clip Studio Paint; not too many focus on Ibis Paint X, which is the drawing app I use. So, in addition to brushes, I hope I can also share tutorials as well.

Worked on Website

I worked a bit on my website, which has been up and running for awhile now. I am one of those people who can never stick with a single design. I think my old Synaptic Misfiring website went through 5 redesigns, and I barely drew that webcomic for 5 years.

Art I’ve done

I finished pieces of art, all in Ibis Paint. The pixel art was inspired by Pokémon and the work of Brandon James Greer.

July Recap

Took a social media break

About mid-July I was realizing that I wasn’t really spending work on a lot of the stuff I had wanted to. And in fact, most of 2024 I hadn’t spent working on things. I thought it was The Funk (which it was) but I was also spending a lot of time on social media. And with social media being as broken as it is nowadays, I was putting more hours in to get the same sort of enjoyment that I was getting back in 2019.

So I deleted apps off my phone and just…existed. I didn’t try to force myself draw or work on art, or get into a productivity fugue state. I really put a lot of thought into how I was using social media, both in my personal life and with my semi-pro art life.

A lot of my social media use was due to habit; I would go to Tumblr, then Instagram, and then back to Tumblr, etc. None of it was fulfilling. None of it gave me anything of substance. I can’t tell you any of the posts I’ve actually liked. Or why I follow an artist. I just did things.

And this lead me to look how I was using social media for my art. I wasn’t getting engagement, whether it was comments, shares or likes. So why was I making art FOR social media. Why was I making a piece of art specifically for Instagram if it wasn’t going to perform well? Why appease an algorithm that doesn’t care about me.

So I ended up changing my whole approach not to just social media, but also my art life. It’s about making art first, and then making content from that art, rather than making art as content. It’s the difference between recording myself drawing and making a short form video instead of recording myself making art specifically from a short video.

It also means I don’t need to worry about posting 5 days a week in order to get engagement. Social media is broken, so why try and use it as a central part of my workflow

I’m hoping that this will help me feel better not just about making art, but also sharing it through social media.

Rest of August

Exploring other platforms

I’m looking at Cara, Telegram, Snapchat and other non-algorithmic platforms, while at the same time not being platform-dependent. Platforms aren’t safe anymore; look what happened to Patreon in the last few days.

Store

I’m in the process of finalizing my products. All print-on-demand for now, and starting small. I definitely will be trying some digital downloads.

Find me elsewhere on the web, including Substack! See you next month.

[cherimoyatea]

Gods, this is so cute, thank you for the tag @irandial 🫂🩷✨

Hi everyone, my name is Cheri 🩷

I started this blog in September for my obsession with LaDs, but I have another account that's been around since 2012, so I'm not exactly a newbie, haha.

Let's go~

How do you spend your free time?

Surviving the day until I can get back into my bed 😂 Honestly, though, I have the privilege of working from home, but I barely have any time to balance my hobbies, family and friends because someone always needs something done by me. When I do have time I usually doom-scroll through my socials or write. I'm so tired all the time 💤

What are your hobbies and how did you get into them?

Firstly, painting and drawing. I've always loved to draw since my childhood and hated being outside as a kid. Whenever my mom wanted to ground me, she would take away my crayons and send me outside to play instead of forcing me into house arrest lol. Remember that one weird classmate in school who was good at drawing? Yeah, that was me 😂 I'm still very passionate about it, but it's been a while since I've used a pencil for anything other than writing... I'm just too busy with adulting these days.

Second is writing and poetry. I still struggle to fully convey my thoughts and feelings to an English-speaking audience, but I'm trying to improve and I feel like I'm slowly getting there. I started writing actively around 2018, focusing on short poems to help sort through the chaos in my mind after a devastating heartbreak. Writing has been a part of my life ever since 🩷

Third: I love editing and writing subtitles! I have a private collection of some of my favorite artists' videographies that I've translated into my native language and hard-subbed. I actually started it for my best friend, who doesn't speak English. I began writing subtitles so we could enjoy them together and just kept doing it for fun.

What books and movies left a lasting impression on you?

Favourite movie of all time: Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Please, do yourself a favor and watch it if you haven't!

Favorite books: The entire ''The Shadow of the Wind'' series by Carlos Ruiz Zafón, including the prequels and sequels. Also Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë. Oh, Heathcliff...

What kind of music do you enjoy?

Honestly, it's nearly impossible to define my music taste. I listen to almost everything: From J-pop/J-rock and K-pop to Rock (alternative, indie, pop, shoegaze), Pop, Classical music, Folk, and more. My current obsession is anything by Artemas, but I always find myself going back to The 1975 and Florence and the Machine. Yet somehow, my most played song this year was Maerchen, though I've had All I Wanted Was You on repeat for days now...

Yeah, you get the idea 😂

What is your favourite character (atm or all time) and why?

Well, I don't think my obsession with a certain Fishy is a secret, right? 😂 I started LaDs for Zayne, but honestly, Rafayel stole my heart. He's such a complex character and resonates with me in a way I never thought I would experience. His dashing looks are definitely a huge plus, but not crucial: Chose Zayne and Xavier over his Valentine's card because I wasn't into him at the time 🥲 But the more I learned about him, the more I realized the depth and richness of his personality and how truly fascinating he is 🩷

Tagging: @m00nchildwrites @manikas-whims @emmaoftoomanyfandoms @yunxiang0524 @milkandstarlight @cordidy

+ anyone that would like to join. No pressure lovelies 😊🩷

tag + q&a game ₊˚ෆ

hello! i thought it would be cute and exciting to do a tag game with all my mutuals to not only talk about themselves, but have fun! so here is my short little game:

alongside this picrew, share 5 things about yourself!

• how do you spend your free time? • what are your hobbies and how did you get into them? • what book or movie left a lasting impression on you? • what kind of music do you enjoy? • who is your favorite character (atm or all time) and why?

i will start first!

my name is rurumi and i enjoy spending my free time writing!

some of my hobbies (outside of writing) includes: drawing, building gundams and keyboards, and fashion! i got into most of them on a whim and became instantly hooked. aside from self-expression, being into fashion also helps with making friends in college because you always have something to talk about!

a book that left a lasting impression on me would have to be either kafka on the shore by haruki murakami or before the coffee gets cold by toshikazu kawaguchi. both stories have kept me up at night thinking a lot about the 'what ifs' in life.

i enjoy soul/r&b alongside anything of jrock influence, but i will basically listen to anything that sounds good. i am currently listening to 'so what' by lucy!

my favorite character at the moment is rin itoshi from blue lock because hes so ridiculously edgy, but at the same time i sympathize with him a lot. on the other hand, my favorite character of all time is suletta mecury from the witch from mercury series, she's an absolute ball of sunshine that i aspire to be.

tagging (+ no pressure) ₊˚ෆ

@kaiser1ns @naenaex0xx @shomatoriashi @choccorin @ryescapades

@rindreamery @soleillunne @kissxcore @rainswept @mitsvriii

[minefield-of-a-ninja]

Summary: A hot tip turns into a hot night. 

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V

Characters: William Butcher x unnamed female x Soldier Boy

Tags/warnings: explicit, mfm threesome, Dom/sub, rough sex, slapping, name calling, sex with murderous misogynists

Words: 1700

Author's notes: for @glassjacket and @brrose-apothecary​ Thanks for the read-through and green light, Bri. <3

Gonzo journalism is an energetic first-person participatory writing style of journalism that is written without claims of objectivity, often including the reporter as part of the story using the first-person narrative, and it draws its power from a combination of social critique and self-satire. The word gonzo is believed to have been first used in 1970 to describe an article about the Kentucky Derby by Hunter S. Thompson, who popularized the style.

Three days ago, I received a tip that former British special forces member, CIA agent, and now, vigilante, William Butcher, traveled to Russia to obtain a secret weapon to take down the megalomaniac superhero Homelander. Within an hour, I was on a plane to JFK. Just as the A320 touched the ground, an explosion rocked Midtown, killing 19 people. My source wasted no time looping me in with video footage of the cause of the explosion.

...and I didn’t believe my eyes.

“Holy-” I breathed, weaving through the other passengers to quicken my steps toward ground transportation. I ordered an Uber then watched the footage on a loop until it arrived. As my driver pulled up, I received a text message from my source.

“Weapon’s not so much a what but a who, love.”

“So I see.”

“You here?”

“On my way to ground zero, got anything else for me?”

“Will have after tonight.”

“What’s tonight?”

“I’ll let you know when I do.”

He kept his word — called me mere moments after America’s first hero incinerated the woman he claimed to have once loved in a flash of radioactivity.

Now, these two hypermasculine assholes are half in the bag and toe-to-toe in the middle of a cheap ass motel room, arguing about who can make me come faster/harder/longer. How I got into this particular situation is simple; waiting for intel in a non-air-conditioned room, got bored, hair up, whiskey, poker, sweat, partial nudity.

What’re you gonna do?

“Show me, then, you limey cock. She’s right fucking there.” Soldier Boy motions to me before pausing his challenge to an x-rated duel long enough to drag his hot gaze across my damp, salty skin and down over my semi-clothed form. “Or do you need me to show you what a real man can do.”

Each of their gazes are dark in their own way. Butcher’s is nothing but devilish chaos backed by a dramatic, velvet curtain hiding the truth, and Soldier Boy’s is full of secrets, barely repressed rage, and hunger.

“She already knows I’m good fer it. Don’tcha, love?” Butcher smirks.

I draw a deep breath then casually shrug my shoulders. I happen to know from experience that Butcher is very good for it and judging by the non-V-generated power rolling off the superhero, I could be making this much harder on myself than I need to.

That said, I have an unfortunate weakness for big, shit-talking, beautiful men. It’s even better when they’re absolute pricks and no danger of taking them home to mama.  

Butcher looks slightly crestfallen until I toss him a mock-pout and a wink. This is always what we do, anyway. We stay on the outside and keep our distance. Come to think of it, I probably have an equally dramatic curtain behind my own eyes. I suppose I should examine that sometime. After the mind-blowing fuck session I’m about to have.

The supe chuckles as he turns to saunter toward me. “We can take turns, give her a little score card,” he says, coming to a stop in front of me.

I’m sitting on the foot of the bed, leaning back on my elbows, legs crossed like I’m fucking demure. He smirks down at me with hard, dark eyes as he slides a hand between his legs to cup himself over the stiff material of his suit pants.

“You look a little mean,” I tell him, and his smirk spreads to a grin that doesn’t meet his eyes.

“You like that.” He licks his teeth before pulling his bottom lip between them. “Wet as a whore on payday sittin’ in this filthy motel room with me and him, huh.”

Butcher appears behind him, looming, his thin, damp beater clings to his skin in a pleasing way.

I suppose I should be concerned for my well-being, but mostly, I’m wet just like Soldier Boy said. So I let myself go until I’m on my back, uncross my legs and drop my bare feet to either side of his boots.

When Butcher moves from beyond him, Soldier Boy extends an arm to halt him. “Rules,” he grunts. “I’m in charge. Anything goes unless someone safewords. Crimson is the word.”

Butcher chuckles at that. “We’re not looking to be deep-fried in here if that name sets you off.”

“Fuck you. Get her panties off.” The supe crosses the room, removing his undershirt and boots.

Butcher kneels at my feet and lifts them to the mattress, so I follow his lead and cant my hips to give him access to my underwear. He looks up at me. “Y’sure ‘bout this?” he asks warily, as he drags the ruined cotton over my hips and knees, and I nod.

Butcher can actually be thoughtful on occasion. But we had an agreement.

“Safeword. Did you not hear that part?” Soldier Boy struts back to the bed, stroking his already hard cock.

“Jesus,” I breathe, and the fucker smirks again.

America’s first hero, for all his terribly deep and disturbing flaws, is easily the most gorgeous man I have ever seen naked. My mouth waters at the sight of his thick, heavy-looking cock, slipping through his meaty hand.

“USDA prime, sugar, and you got the best seat in the house.” He nudges Butcher out of the way much more gently than I would have expected. “So sit up and open your fucking mouth.”

Butcher peels his shirt off and shucks his pants to the floor before moving onto the bed as I obey the soldier’s uncompromising order. “She does like suckin’ cock, mouth like a fucken whirlpool.” Butcher settles behind me and brushes his lips across my exposed neck.

I swallow the drool in my mouth and reach for the beautiful bounty in front of me, and Soldier Boy shakes his head.

“Get her arms,” he tells Butcher, holding my eyes with his.

Butcher obliges, looping one forearm through my elbows behind my back and pressing me forward as his free hand works its way between my legs. “So wet already, love.”

“You know how long it’s been since I’ve had access to a warm, wet mouth?” The recently escaped man’s brow is furrowed, and his eyes lose their sharp focus as he slides his fingers into the twisted mess of a bun at the back of my head, angling my face the way he wants it. “And this mouth.”

He grips my chin with his other hand, and I let my jaw drop open. “This fucking mouth,” he mutters.

I close my eyes as his hot, salty cock slides over my tongue. He slides his hand from my chin to the other side of my head to mirror his other, holding me in place as he sets a rhythm.

“Good?” Butcher whispers, and I hum an affirmation. He’s sliding one long, thick finger around my clit so gently and thoroughly that I’m right at the edge of falling.

“Relax,” Soldier Boy grunts, swiping his thumbs over my hollowed cheeks. “I don’t need you choking out so soon.”

It’s hard to relax when I’ve got the fat cock of a superhero bumping against my uvula, and the thick knuckles of a thug slipping around my cunt. I’m hot and overstimulated and I’m about to come undone.

“‘Member that night in Chelsea? At your sister’s flat?” Butcher murmurs in my ear, sliding his slippery hand up under my tank top as he looks up at the other man. “Let’s get ‘er on ‘er back, mate.”

“Making it easy on her,” Soldier Boy scoffs as he pulls out of my mouth to spin and drag me to the side of the bed. He dips in for a punishing kiss with teeth and tongue before pushing me down to hang my head over the side of the bed. “She doesn’t get to come ‘til I do, and neither do you.”

Butcher nods with that edged grin as he slowly works his way between my thighs. “Well, ain’t that shite, sweetheart?” He settles his bare chest to the bed and shoves my legs open wide. “We got us a multiple-orgasmer ‘ere, wif little to no self-control.”

Soldier Boy chuckles as he straddles my face and reaches to tear my top in half.

“Fucker,” I swear at Butcher.

“Well, you better get some control quick because I don’t like to be disappointed.” He grips one of my breasts tight and mouths at the other, mumbling orders around my flesh. “Put me back in your mouth.”

I relax my throat and take a deep breath as I wrap one hand around his hard cock. My heart pounds in my chest and I moan, tasting him again. He’s so heavy and smooth. Did he get waxed between international imprisonment and mass murder?

Whatever.

He doesn’t waste a second working his way down my open throat. Butcher’s doing that thing he does with his tongue that makes me come every time within seconds. It takes me three deep inhales through my nose and concentrating on the feel of the gorgeous dick snaking my esophagus to realize that Butcher, a classic switch, wants to see how a man like Soldier Boy handles being defied.

Butcher also knows that I love being punished.

So I let go. I throw my arms wide and arch into Soldier Boy’s teeth and rough fingers on my nipples. I grind into Butcher’s face and feel his chuckle rumbling in my core.

Butcher grips my hips and bears down.

“You son of a bitch...” the supe breathes a lush sneer, his breath over my wet flesh making me shiver as his fucking into my throat makes me gag. “You want her to come, don’t you? Want the slut to get what she deserves?”

I cup his balls and push my face up into his groin, making him rasp and pin both my wrists to the bed. He takes one nipple between his plump lips again and tongues the tip as he slows his drive into my mouth and swirls his tongue around that nipple then the other.

“Hmm, changed my mind,” he says thoughtfully as he stands and pulls out of my mouth. “Let’s make her come. Over and over. Make her come ‘til she’s fucking unconscious.”

His grin is dark and cruel as he strokes himself with one hand and reaches for my already sensitive breasts with the other.

Butcher lifts his face from between my legs, his beard shiny with my slick, and grins wide as he hooks two fingers up inside me and drops a heavy hand over my mound. “Sounds like a deal, mate.”

Part II

More Soldier Boy and/or Butcher

IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU'VE READ, PLEASE REBLOG AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

[cheekygreenty]

A Little Death - The Darkling x Reader

Enemies-to-lovers, one bed trope AND smut. You’re welcome 🖤

The mission went terribly, just as you said it would. You were always known to voice your concerns during meetings and this one was no different but he hadn't bothered to take your criticism into account.

The big bad Darkling couldn't stand you for that very reason or so he told himself. You were loud, outspoken, rude, and a control freak. You clashed and fought but he kept you there for perspective reasons, even though he never listened to you, like ever.

You laughed when the mission turned sour, earning yourself a glare from everybody, including him. If it wasn't the hours of sleep you lost to carry out the stupid mission in the first place, you would be heading toward Os Alta by now, but no. Everyone was tired and hungry and practically begging for a proper bed and not a makeshift cot in a tent, you included.

Vacancy was lit, the guests were checking in

You waited as the colorful keftas dispersed into the inn and as you approached the innkeeper to grab your keys, he hesitated.

'Only one room left.' He looked afraid to say it, does he think I need more than one? The confused look on your face kept until you saw General Kirigan appear out of the corner of your eye, looking right at you with a displeased look.

'Will it fit two people?'

'Yes Sir'

'Alright then, Y/L/N you're with me.' He took the keys and gestured for you to walk through the archway but you couldn't believe your ears. This man was the General of the Second-Army, almost as rich as the King but he had to share a room, with me no less?! Of all the bloody people on this journey, it obviously has to be me.

You bit back the rude remark that sat at the tip of your tongue and gave a curt nod. It's just one night and I'm ready to pass out.

'After you General' You forced a smile and watched as his irritation grew. Although you hated the man, you had to admit he was incredibly handsome, you weren’t blind. His dark onyx eyes always stood out against the pale of his skin, and the perfectly quiffed jet-black hair practically begged to have your fingers running through it.

His cape whirled around him as he walked past you, breaking you out of your trance. You guessed he knew where he was going as he ascended the wooden stairs and climbed to the top. Out of boredom, you counted the room numbers you passed not paying attention to him and stopped when you walked right into his rock-solid back. 'Saints- I'm sorry.' You blundered. I think that's the first time I've ever said sorry to him. He ignored you and walked into the room, inspecting it closely. You did too, but were cut short when you noticed the absence of another bed.

The room was fit for two

'There's only one bed' You dead-panned. You thought for a moment, looking around for a couch, an armchair, anything, but came up empty-handed. 'This is just great.' You sighed and looked to him. He had shed his heavy cape and donned his black kefta, staring at the one bed the same way you did.

'Well? What are we going to do?' You threw your hands up in exasperation 'Perhaps they have a tub I can-'

'Don't be ridiculous Y/N.' Y/N? I think that's the first time he's called me by my name.

'I meant to go wash, General. It's been a long week.' As opposed to some of the others, including the General, you had stayed in a tent over the past 2 days to gather intel. He and his flock stayed in inns and hotels, bathing in luxury and warmth.

'Yes, of course.' He stared into your eyes, holding your gaze for a hot minute before you looked away, suddenly feeling shy.

You put the bed situation at the back of your mind as you fetched some warm water and washed the grime of failed missions off. So much wasted time, all because nobody would listen to you, he wouldn't listen to me. If he weren't so gorgeous, I would kill him in his sleep.

Once you felt clean enough and your hair began to dry, you walked out of the washroom, enveloped by a towel as you searched your pack for anything you could sleep in. Perhaps the bath fogged up your mind, for you completely forgot the General was sharing the small space with you.

'You know you talk to yourself?' His voice scared the living daylights out of you. He was sitting back lazily against the headboard of the bed in his shirt and breeches smirking to himself. 'I think conspiring my death is reason enough for prison, is it not?' You couldn't tell if he was joking.

'I never said I would.' You bit back, grasp tightening around the flimsy towel.

'Because I'm too gorgeous?' He stood up from the bed and walked over to you. You never registered how much taller he was than you as his eyes scanned you up and down, like a predator hunting its prey.

'I need to get dressed, General'

'Hmmm, yes I can tell.' He took a bit of hair that hung in front of your face and held it between his fingers, the action sending waves of arousal through you, What- No. He was dangerously close, you could feel his breath tickle your ear and he was bound to hear your pounding heartbeat. But alas he moved away, sashaying into the washroom leaving you alone. I need a cold bath.

***

You were dressed for bed now, curled up on the left side of the bed. You were trying to sleep, really trying, but knowing he was laying right next to you only heightened your insomnia.

You knew he was awake too and he did little to hide it amongst the deafening silence of the room. You could feel the heat coming from his body, radiating an invitation for you to join him. You huffed loudly and turned again for the umpteenth time that hour, attempting to escape the weird tension in the room.

'Can't sleep?'

'Obviously.' Even in the dark, you knew he was smirking.

'I know something that would help.' Suddenly he was on top of you, caging you in with a hand at the sides of your head. You could feel the bare skin of his arm and chest as he slightly pressed down onto you, signaling that he wasn't wearing the black silk shirt anymore. Wherever his skin brushed against yours, it ignited that longing and need in you and it felt addictive.

I want you to touch me

'What are you doing? I thought you hate me.' Your proximity allowed for you to see the slight glistening of his eyes. They had an edge to them, a darkness you'd never seen before or never paid attention to.

'You're one to speak.' Taking one hand from beside your head, he so very slowly traced the side of your face, and your breath caught in your throat as he continued his way down your neck and further, stopping at your thigh where your nightgown had bunched up. 'I think it's time we stop this charade of ours.' As you concentrated on the feel of his fingers against your burning skin, he moved his head into the crook of your neck, his breath hot and exhilarating as he spoke.

'What charade' Your words came out with a deep exhale in anticipation of his actions.

'The one where we both pretend we don't want to fuck each other's brains out.'

Your eyes flew open at his crude remark but shut right back again as his lips gently kissed your collarbone and made their way up to your jaw, getting increasingly rough as he traveled. His hand at your thigh sneaked its way under the gown and now gripped your bare hip in a tight hold. 'What do you say?' His lips were now at yours, touching them as he spoke. All your logic flew out the window of the dingy inn. You didn't care that this was your General, or that he could kill you in an instant, all that mattered was that you needed him, and he wanted you.

'Ye-'

Before you even finished, his lips were hot on yours, devouring you in a bruising kiss. He pressed into you harder and if you had any reservations about his feeling towards you, they were flushed away as he made his arousal for you obvious. It fueled you, awoke your need to control with a jolt.

You fought for dominance, letting your mouth duel for any scrap of authority you could have over the man, but he kept you wrapped around his finger, tightening his grasp on you while simultaneously letting your mind run free with thoughts of him and only him. He was dangerous; intimidating.

She sought death on a queen-sized bed.

He began to pull away but to your surprise he only hauled you up with him, taking your thighs and forcing you into a straddle around his lap, not once letting his lips leave your body.

'You do it on purpose, don't you? Vexing and riling me up in front of others-' He took hold of the nightgown and pulled it up over your head before roughly grabbing your chin and letting his lips brush against your now swollen ones '-I swore to myself if you did it again, I would've thought you a lesson right before their very eyes.'

The General was quick to pull you back into him, bare chests pressed together and heartbeats merging into one. Your hips moved on their own accord, slowly drawing circles around his bulge.

'General I didn't take you for a man that stalled.' You spoke against his lips. You were done with his words, you needed his actions.

I want you to touch me there

Make me feel like I am breathing

At that, his hand let go of its deathly grip on your waist and quickly went to your core. Letting a deep growl out at your dripping wetness, he plunged a finger deep into you as his palm stroked your clit at an excruciatingly painful pace, too slow for your liking. You couldn't help keep the whimper down and he had the audacity to chuckle at your neediness.

'And I didn't take you to be so impatient.' He nipped at your shoulder as he picked up his pace, earning a series of moans from you. It was like music to his ears.

With your head against his chest, you rode your wave of pleasure out with his fingers still inside you, milking your first orgasm of the night.

Almost immediately he had you under him again and before you could register with your eyes, you felt the head of his cock nudging at your sensitive bud, as if begging for entry. It sent shivers up your spine, seeing him there at your mercy. He ran across your wet folds again and a throaty moan echoed around the room. Are you sure he's at your mercy?

You coaxed him to enter and once he did you felt euphoria. He stretched you out to your limits, filled you until you bottomed out. His eyes were tightly shut as he basked in the comfort of you. It felt just as good to be buried in you as it did to kiss you. You enveloped his senses and his mind. You were the only thing that mattered to him at that very moment.

'Saints Y/N.' His forehead fell against yours as he thrust in and out of you, bearing his weight on the arm not holding your thigh up.

Despite the pleasure clouding your mind and vision, you managed to grab at his vulnerability and flip you both around. He didn't fight back, only grabbed hold of the back of your neck to kiss you deeply as you pounded down onto him. His hold on your hip was deadly, bound to bruise. He liked the thought of marking you as his.

You came with a strangled cry, the pulsing around his length sending him into a frenzy of his own as your name spilled out like a prayer from his lips. It took a while for you to catch your breath and return to your natural state. But it didn't last long before the events of the night were repeated and more marks were littered across your body.

It was only then that you fell asleep, thoroughly spent and exhausted, awaiting the next time you could defy him.

_______

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