#im used to my sister waking me up and me waking up my sister
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Codependent sibling dynamics... Save me codependent sibling dynamics...
#i missed the bus because I woke up a bit too late#im used to my sister waking me up and me waking up my sister#but she was sick today ao no school for her#so I missed the bus 💔#during exam week 💔#anyways the post is just supposed to be kinda funny
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stella is us irl
#liveblogging#me shaking my mutuals like WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP RAYLLUM IS HERE RAYLLUM IS HERE MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS#rayllum#the dragon prince#HAPPY SOMETHING FRACTION'TH BIRTHDAY TO ME IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY BUT I AM VERY SATISFIED#(unlike my schuyler sister soul but yk im a mess rn)#tdp s6#tdp spoilers#tdp s6 spoilers#the dragon prince season 6#tdp season 6#tdp#MAKE US TREND Y'ALL
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Can't relate
I say as I laugh in 10 alarms, 4 missed check up calls, 1 dog (35 lbs) dropped on me, and a karate chop (right in the stomach) from my sister
Also
This would be my reaction but in the opposite direction. Four alarms is not nearly enough for Silver. That boy needs an entire collection!
#im exaggerating#it's usually the 10 alarms and 4 missed calls#but the dog and karate chop has happened before#it was my sister's day off that day and she hates being forced to wake up outside her schedule#especially at 6am#if Silver ever starts an alarm clock collection#i hope he gets one that's an angry crocodile that uses recordings of Sebek shouting at Silver to wake up#even better if Sebek gifts it to him#Silver should also get similar ones but with Lilia and Malleus#i think that would be cute for Silver#to have the whole gang there to try and wake him up#even if they can't be there in person#I'm not caught up with book 7 but I worry that the Lilia one might give him sad feels so idk#twisted wonderland#twst#twst silver#deuce spade#white rabbit fest#oh and the purpose of putting the dog on me was so the dog could lick my face and believe that my bed is free real estate
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resignation letter is the most potent painkiller. i love you resignation letter i love you one month notice <3
#tmi but im regular again and literally the only change is because i've been eating enough to shit daily#i was in such a bad headspace these past few months that i could barely bring myself to eat#i'd go to sleep with my work uniform still on and wake up willing myself to get up for 30 mins and then brushing my teeth and going to work#with the same clothes i slept in#i stopped hanging out with my friends. i had nightmares abt my job.#i can only take care of myself on my days' off and i cant grok anything other than shallow entertainment like wrestling#everything else is too much for my brain to handle. i'd simply forget everything i read or play or even listen to#those three months are miserable lmao#its not just my job... its also the family issues i've been dealing with#yknow remember when i said i could have died? yeah that shit was real. fuckin love it when my mom admit my dad have the capacity to be a#family annihilator. but... since my dad have a job to keep him busy and we moved to a house where me and my sister and#my mom and dad get to have our own rooms... and my dad get to live near his old friends and family...#things have been getting better. usually we had a physical fight every two months but it hasnt happened yet and i seem to get on with him#better now. so... i guess im gonna be okay. i've been so tired and trapped#stuck between two places that are both physically and emotionally draining with no reprieve#things are changing. and i find that to be comforting despite how up in the air the future might be. i might be screwed but also? what if#i'll be fine? im at a point where im accepting any drastic changes even if its for the worse#funny how i used to like my job a lot. i guess im not to be comfortable with anything long term#posts about my life
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Less than an hour before the mcelroy selfie & signing
I'm a little nervous
#speculation nation#havent had any caffeine bc ive been having too much of that lately. and it's a shorter day.#so im a bit sleepy. but at least the active nausea is better than it was a bit ago#(waking up so early several days in a row And having them be such physically strenuous days is. hard on the body.)#anyways. yeah. the mcelroys.#i mean ultimately theyre just some guys. but im not good at talking with strangers Anyways#and ive enjoyed their stuff for a good bit now. so. it's intimidating.#but i know theyre nice people. and ultimately all i Really need to do is give them what i want signed and take the pic#but there is opportunity for brief conversation. and i want to try asking them if they remember an anecdote from when my sister saw them#it was a good bit ago so i'll preface it with 'this might be a bit of a longshot but'#the anecdote being that when my sister asked for an autograph for 'Fanny' Clint started writing 'Best Fanny'#before travis was like 'uhhh maybe add a comma there' hfkshfkd#ultimately it WAS such a small moment. and actually thinking about it i dont know if i want to ask them actually.#bc if they Dont remember. which they likely dont. well then that's awkward for all of us.#...but also even if they dont remember it's still a funny story.#and if they Do somehow remember i can be like 'Hello i am that Fanny'#the thing is that theyre people with good humor. so i dont think theyd be upset at me asking.#and maybe theyd even find it funny. even if they dont remember.#i can give no guarantees that i will even try to do this bc i might end up so petrified in the moment that i cannot do it#but i will try my best. aughhgjhg i wish i wasnt passively nausous rn!!! not making it easier!!!#and somehow it's now 40 minutes away AAAAAAAAAAAGH
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man why does my family treat me like im not a human :(((
#Like bro i get it you all just woke up but like#I did not sleep at all + i was studying which made my brain numb#and when i wake up all annoyed you all tell me i got attitude issues???#And lets ignore how my sisters literally TORTURE me to wake me up#And when im quiet all day yall ask me to talk???#Dude talk about what you guys dont even want to listen to me?#and then when i talk to myself and inanimate objects you all start thinking i have a boyfriend?#what is that logic 😻😻😻#maybe start considering me as a human who actually gets hurt and feels stuff ill start acting normal again#in the meantime#keep on using me for only your own purposes and talk to me when it concerns you only#and think of me doing stuff for you all as a “responsibility” that i have#BECAUSE IM NOT A HUMAN !!!#and ofc only my sister is stressed about her exams because i dont cry about it like her#oh no no wait till you find out what i actually did the whole past year cuz#i was so emotionally frustrated and brimming with all that ew emotions that i had to take out out somehow#its a shame how i think they know yet they dont care
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My sister’s graduation day 😤 let’s go 👏🏽
#gosh it’s gonna be a long day and I’m running on two hours of sleep again#i only get the chance to work at night because I don’t have ✨privacy✨#and I’ve been going to bed late and waking up even more tired than usual and my mom’s been scolding me for it#and now I’ve had to tell her what I’m doing and I feel like I just gave another piece of me away again#everything I am everything I do has to be for other people#im so tired when will I give my last piece away 🥹#this was to make ME proud of ME I was doing it for myself and now I feel like it’s for her#and then she’s going to tell my dad and now it’s for him too#also I can’t even cry about it because she HAS to know why I’m upset#she keeps glancing up at me and talking to me in bits#all I have left is my emotions 🥹#anyhow sorry to start the day off so gloomy and depressing I have literally nothing to be sad about I’m very privileged#sorry you guys see me being a baby constantly 🥺 I really do have a good life and shouldn’t be complaining#here’s to a better day for us all#melifails#now i feel like a jerk subjecting you all to this😭 sorry sorry let’s move on#im gonna be a busy bee hopefully I can squeeze in a time for a nap#😭 I don’t waaaaaannnnnaaa sit for hours in the California heat MAYBE with the sun hitting us in the face#our football field is NOT kind in this way#hopefully my sister gets the shady side but even then the sun will hit us in the face eventually just not as long#im !!! excited!!!! I bought ice cream for today 👏🏽 I originally bought choco chip and minto moose tracks?? my sister loves mint flavor#so I bought mint Oreos too so she can eat them with her ice cream 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽#i assume we’re getting take out of some sort so that; ice cream; and uuuuuuu I don’t remember anything else I bought; my best friend did#bring us snacks yesterday!!! pretzels and cookies!!! so that!!!#okay brain no work no more I gotta get dressed love you muah muah muah
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you ever miss someone so much that they start appearing in your dreams every night? ahaha.....me neither
#just my silly thoughts#guys help me. i havent thought this much about him in a year#it is nooooottt good. idk why i suddenly started thinking about him so much but it is so distressing#he's been in all my dreams for the past two weeks and its making me so sad#my heart feels so heavy every time i wake up from a dream with him in it#its starting to just....make me sad all the time too#i feel so empty and like. idk incomplete lately#its affecting everything i do and it is so not slay honestly.#it makes me so angry that im thinking about him and that im still putting so much energy in him#it makes me so angry i cant sit down and talk to him one last time.#i know i talk shit about him regularly and tell everyone what he did to me when they ask.#but i just want one last conversation with him where we just.....talk#not about us. or what happened. or if either of us has changed. or if we're sorry or not#i just want to talk. i just want to know how he is. i want to hear about his cat and his favorite band i want to hear how his sister is#i want to hear about the new friends he's made and how his birthday was#and it devastates me that i cant.#I want to talk to him about theater and i want to telll him about my favorite books and tell him all the lore of resident evil and losh#i want to talk to him about how we won awards for the drama department i want to tell him im VP of drama club.#that im going to cosmetology school like he always knew i would.#i just......i miss him so much and i hate that i have to move on to the next stage in my life without him#sorry guys. i ended up venting and crying in the tags teehee. im an emotionally unstable guy who misses this boy dearly.
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the cycles are cycling… time is looping
#my mother has started leaving a list of all the things she wants me to do while she’s at work just like my stepmom used to when i was#watxhing my sister during covid lockdowns and it’s not that i have a problem like helping out around the house or whatever it’s that there#is a literal list of demands i wake up to and im constantly cleaning up after OTHER people doing other peoples laundry none of this shit#is MINE! and she complains that the flies in the kitchen are because im not doing the dishes even though i AM and the flies are because she#leaves food out and never fucking cleans!#sorry for using my blog as a diary no im not this is my house
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i. HATE!!!!!!!! that i feel like i can’t have boundaries with this lady without reinforcing the belief that i’m not good enough to be working on this. as if she’s not the one being rude and pushy and intrusive. i don’t think she has much sway or that it will affect me much in the future but it sucks anyway
#i feel like i can't fully exhale. like.#it'll be so much easier when it's over but things are just not good today!!!!#i had this shitty ass dream about film girl and one of her best friends and confronting her and it made me feel like i was in like#high school again being pathetic with my ex and like EYE was the one completely in the wrong. then my sister told me she was conservative#in the dream and was litchrally talking like my dad. then i wake up so tired and already have an email from that lady#im stressed as hell feel like i can't even move or function trying to get something to her#get shit feedback on another project that it wasnt even my fault flopped. i pitched the idea i did what i could to fix this dude's#terrible camera settings i tried to fucking direct it and it just wasnt working. and that kid ugh he's fine outside of this context#but he pisses me off being a stem kid like oh well this class is like fun for me lol idek why you're so stressed. not that he said that#but just u know that film shit isn't as serious and there's not way we could get as overworked as the stem kids. annoying!#and again this video is making me want to die i haven't heard back on something im producing for and if it'll work#im nearly a week late submitting a paper i never started i havent gone to my morning lecturei n over a week and dk if my grade#will recover with all my absences. and if it's even worth trying to salvage. my roommates are making me homicidal and#i just need someone to hold me i think and let me like nap on them. lol. but instead i will be at work under these awful flourescents#barely able to work on the video since we're not technically allowed to use headphones. and not wanting to do anything else...#abby talks
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personal
#i accidentally fell asleep at like 9 pm and woke up at 2 am#my oldest dog came up to me and started whining so i let him outside (3 am at this point)#and the other dogs do their business and go back inside but oldest will spend like 20 min sniffing around lol#so he starts barking and as soon as i hear him bark im calling his name and he quickly hears my name and comes inside#and my father has the audacity to say to me 'dont let him out at 3 am' ???#like do u want me to make him hold it in? do u want me to make him piss on the floor u dumb fuck?#dude is like the lightest sleeper in the world#and he makes it everyone else's problem. like I've dealt with this my whole life#also i went to brush my teeth before bed and i knew he'd want to use the bathroom since he was up#like during the night the bathroom is basically just his and he's definitely gotten mad at me for using it and 'waking him up' before#so he sees me in the bathroom and he's like of course ur in the bathroom! first u wake me up and then u go into the bathroom!#like i cant do anything in this house ig#like he has these moments where he's so kind#he fills up my gas tank for me. last sunday i got really sick at my sister's bridal shower like i threw up in the bathroom and my dad#took me home and i kept having to throw up. nightmare scenario but he was like ur okay let me know if u need me to pull over#and the few times that we stopped he was like take ur time#and when we finally got home he was like u did good#get some rest#didnt vomit in his truck 😎 but he treats that truck like its the only kid he's ever loved so i was surprised that he even#was ok with taking me home#also i got sick because i was very dumb and took an advil with a mimosa#my head was killing me
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the worst part of living with my parents is the complete inability to exist in any room other than my own
#i have to schedule in my time to use the kitchen and even then people will get in my way#i have to time waking up perfectly so i can get a chance to use the bathroom#if i want to use the living room i have to request it and even then people will still be in there making noise when that would never be#ok for me to do#i don’t get to eat downstairs i have to eat in my bedroom#and if i take up any space outside of my room it very quickly becomes a problem#i know my parents love me i know that we have a small house but sometimes it feels like im just an inconvenience to everyone here#told my sister one of the things i’m most excited about in our new flat is being able to leave my book on the coffee table#if i leave anything downstairs it immediately gets put outside my bedroom door for me to put away#my mum used to try and make me keep my water bottle and plates in my room#as if we don’t have an entire kitchen to keep those things in#if i leave something on the radiator to dry it gets put outside my room the second it’s dry#but my parents will leave things on the radiator for days and just expect me to work around that#literally all of my winter coats and jackets are in my room while they take up all of the coat hooks in the hallway#anyway everything is fine i’m just tired and grumpy#my period is going to start any day now
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sorry men it turns out i might not be a wanted man
#and i will keep waking up everyday#I'm upset that I'll never see my parents again because my stupid brother says he didn't sexually assault me#now i know they want to keep their favourite investment living in their house. they like him. he's got a good job. he went to uni.#there isn't enough space in their family for a man who sexually assaulted his sister and the man who used to be that sister.#a community or sphere which support abusers will drive away victims by enacting further abuse on them#the house i grew up in was a sphere like that#and now i cut them all off. they don't get to meet my friends. i can never send a cool weird song to my dad again.#I'm never going to watch the sunrise from my old bedroom window ever again#I'll never see the cats again. the last time they saw me they were scared. i wish i could've kissed them once more#it wasn't like i spoke to my family very often after i moved out and before all this. i kept a lot of it to myself.#i have a life without them. a nice life i think. i don't regret standing up for myself and talking about the assault#and I'm doing nothing wrong by telling people what a massive piece of shit my brother is and for demanding answers from him#I lost a lot of things in the process#i was sorting through all my life possessions for two weeks straight and barely kept any of it#like including school books from childhood. most of them binned. if i don't need it I'm not leaving it for my mum to faun over#she hates me. hates hates. her eyes are mean#she hates me as if I'm some daughter who cheated by being a man.#but I'm out now. it's over. my life begins. i hope i don't get sick. i worry about money.#i was gonna say i worry about being cringe in a city where reputation matters but like. IM NOT POSTING IRL DRAMA ON REDDIT. I THINK I'M OK
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im still not over jackpot btw
#LIKE i didnt KNOW.... I DIDNT KNOW.... then all this bs comes out and i denounced them as soon as i find out but HOLY FUCK#i looked up to them so much#especially jared. it HURTS#like its scary#thats when my mental health plummeted not when my mother got cancer not when my sister attempted sui#JACKPOT. THATS WHEN. /gen#it scares me how unfazed i am by shit then out of nowhere depressive spiral#becuase of a fucking splatoon team who turned out to be racist#what gets me the most is that. chara KNEW. chara knew and didnt say anything bc he would be accused of dogpiling#but on a personal level he /hated/ them. CHARA HATED THEM.#AND I LOOKED UP TO THEM. like yes! i was 12! BUT FUCKING HELL.#i had just worked up the courage to join a discord server for people trying to get into compt as well#it was legit my dream idk#and now??????? I CANT DO SHIT...#it still affects me idk#i wake up like ''well im basically a bigot bc i looked up to jared 2 years ago'' like#its because! he was autstic and anxious! like me! and could do all these things i wanted to!!#I USED HIS FUCKING OBOW KIT FOR SO LONG#I STILL USE HIS ENPERRIES WITH LIKE 3 SWITCHES#and yes thats bc theyre good gear builds but HOLY FUCK i cant open that menu w/o feeling guilty bc he had the idea first#im going to EXPLODe#that was the last time ic ried actually. when i found out.#like i didnt post anything about ti for a reason#idkkkk#glances at the rpf of jackpot i wrote aged 11. yeah. fuck those guys. but it HURTS HOLY SHIT#and then gem right after#then last resort breakup#like... GOOD GOLLY WHAT IN TARNATION IM DYING OVER HERE#and im still not over it sparkle sparkle#tw vent
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My brain's weird it screams just by reflex of me seeing a bug but will take like a day to register a death lol
My mood today be like:
Then after I finish crying:
#vent#im having a really shitty day#i just wanted my fucking cold teriyaki#but nooooooo#fucking cockroach cricjet thing whatever tf crawled out of it#so my apatite is gone for the night#oh ya in other news my uncle died#i haven't seen him in a while#heart attack in his sleep#so now time to see that “your everyones favorite person when your gone” thing play out so that'll be fun#his siblings disowened him or smth to that effect cause he was gay so my moms gonna play nice unless his sister comes crying to her#then my mom may go to jail we'll see#uncle as in my moms cousin btw#so ya i found out when i got home yesterday kinda blacked out the rest of the night cause in retrospect i dont really remember after that#then just cried intermittently today#*horray sound effect from fnaf plays sarcastically*#what broke the tear dam originally was my teacher thought itd be a great idea to play a documentary...#about places w/ high concentrations of 100 year olds & how they stayed sharp by not being lonely 😑#ya its morbidly ironic cause he was in his 60s#fuck life rn man he was cool rip#you know what documentaries at school are always horribly timed in my personal life. the last doc was a murder-rape#& a criminal “family member” came at ~4am & stayed outside the door for hours & waited for us to wake up then ate breakfast with us#(hasnt done that kind of crime- or hasnt been proven to have done that kind of crime)#(but still made me have a panic attack first thing in the morning so thats fun 😁)#(ya who tf plays a murder-rape doc for their 8th grade 1st period???)#(also didnt help that the criminal family member was alone in the house with my elderly grandmother & physically unwell mother 😄)#(at least theyre- socialable- i guess?? completely unrelated aside from the doc part)#YAY TRAUMA DUMPING :D#yay trauma#(clarification: “sociable” as in not on horrible terms with my family
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yassss <— guy abt to get 5 1/2 hours of sleep
#partially my fault. Should have packed earlier.#however comma. I also had to pick my sister up at 11pm so that didn’t help.#tmrw will be a long day. will need to sleep on the plane for sure.#but can’t wait to be in north carolina despite the heat wave and whatever. im so excited to see my cousin i am overflowing w joy.#also had to wake up early for arch interview two hours away but my dad drove me so it was only 1.5 hours.#and it went rlly well i actually would love to work there next summer if I could. only problem rlly is just that it’s not close to my house#and I would prob have to sublet an apartment for the summer. idk . i rlly did have a good time tho glad i went.#genuinely hearing a firm talking abt whimsy !!! sign me up girl holy shit#we also talked abt joy and how to create it in arch and what brought us joy and everyone was so genuine. wish I could experience that more#so we will see. love you all good night sleep tight. i am tucking you in and patting your head if ur waking up im pouring u some water. mwa#anyway <3#lee’s bullshit
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