#im thinking so ahead of myself here i know
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I did not mean to sleep all day. Here all the non-kink asks in my inbox lol.
Does a little dance. People being weird about transmascs on here has messed up my self perception so bad im not actually sure of my own gender anymore, yayyyyy
Fuck that anon, if you're man that rules. Being a man is awesome. You don't need anyone else's opinion to affect who you are, there is no bad gender.
just saw someone acknowledge trans men are often lumped into female spaces due to bioessentialism but then turn around and say that thats proof that trans men arent oppressed. lol.
People act like being let into the Woman Club is the one and only goal of being trans and it's so fucking annoying.
Ngl I still don't understand why femboys are a "transmisogynistic caricature that can't be reclaimed by transmascs" according to some people. Do you have any insights on this because I genuinely can't understand, femboy sounds like gnc boy culture and in my own experience, maybe transfems before they come out occasionally identify as femboys. Idk is it like, someone with an outwardly feminine appearance being a guy? Because that's why I like calling myself a femboy.
Some people think femboy started as a transfem thing because they're idiots who don't know shit.
hey if catboy is ubiquitous and having nothing to do with crossdressing why did Jerma crossdress when someone drew him as a catboy???
Because catboys are allowed to do that lol. Taking one example of a crossdressing catboy to mean catboys infringe on transfem copyright is wild.
Hi thanks for letting me vent to you cause I am at work and can't properly process my emtions otherwise rn. I've been otherwise generally in a slightly emotionally fragile place and then I just got an awful review for my first actual order from a stranger on Etsy. And like I know logically that it's not the end of the world and I gave them exactly what they ordered and it's not my fault that they measured wrong or didn't take my advice and size up a little for fit etc etc but no one else will know that and I just got started selling craft stuff and it's just a hobby and it sucks that this person clearly expected something that wasn't what they paid for (my prices are low cause it's a hobby sorry I don't have super professional materials that would make my stuff cost double) but it's really fucking me up and I am trying not to like cry at work because of this and it's so stupid. This was just my first purchase online that wasn't from a friend and I was so excited and they hated it and didn't even send a message or anything about the length (that was exactly what they asked for by the way) not fitting before leaving a review. It just fucking sucks and I wish my brain didn't react to the most minor disappointments/shows of dislike with the I'm going to kill everyone in this room and then myself meme as first response Thanks for listening. It really helps to be able to vent this somewhere <3
I'm really sorry anon, that sounds so frustrating and hard to deal with. I love you so much. <3 I know you do great work and I hope it goes better next time.
Having NPD sucks, lmao, sorry for the rant ahead. I have to remind myself that the 'mark' on shinigami eyes doesn't actually mean anything, but it's hard sometimes because it's still a stain on my reputation. :( some people will see that and take it at face value, forever associating me with the filth that is transphobia, and I can't do anything about it. I appreciate the people who actually know what a transphobe is going out of their way to remove that mark, but it's a losing battle against a bunch of buffoons who think catgirls are transmisogynistic. sometimes it's really hard to pretend that it doesn't bother me at all, because it's highly insulting for me to be associated with the things I literally fight against. What an insult to my legacy and efforts to even bother to care about other people, you know? I don't HAVE to take time out of my day to do activism, I could just not bother to care at all, but I still try. I deserve praise, not this bullshit😭
I'll praise you! Thank you for fighting against transphobia. <3
All this catboy talk. Wanted to say hi as a catboy. Meow :3
Nya~!
My prediction for TRF discourse in 2025: closeted, non passing trans men shouldn't wear skirts or other traditional women's clothing (even if they don't want to and literally have no other choice) because they're MEN and men wearing women's clothes is obviously always transmisogynistic
All trans men are transmisogynistic because they grew up mocking transfems by wearing women's clothes.
some of this discourse is just so fucking wild i cant believe this is something people are taking so seriously. sipping my tea from the sidelines as a chubby catboy therian lmao
You have a cooler head than I.
iirc the "catgirls are transfem" thing started happening around the time Ferris got popular as a character because, if I'm correct, Ferris actually is transfem (coded?) and following that some people just decided The Aesthetique belonged exclusively to transfems now (also you're so so so so based for loving Schrödinger I remember first seeing him in like 2007 and wishing I looked exactly like him)
Schrodinger is my secret fifth blorbo. I'm obsessed with him. I think about him constantly. High five.
als catboys are only white passing in the way that people love to say anime characters are white lmao (aka cant conceive of the fact that anime characters are actually light skinned Japanese). not to say anime doesn't have a colorism problem but They Are Not White and its racist to say otherwise
lol yes exactly
I might be really stepping in it here, but tangential to catboy/catgirl discourse, I'm starting to get really uncomfortable with how the cutesy moe-blob yuri is treated as "trans lesbian culture" these days? as though none of it was ever straight guy fantasy shit? as though it's ideal representation instead of another vector of impossible beauty standards? idk, maybe I'm just being way too touchy. 😬
It's fine if something becomes emblematic of transfem culture but you just can't pretend something was always transfem when it blatantly wasn't lol
you got marked red on shinigami eyes and i havev no idea why
My smoke too tough, my swag too different, my bitch too bad.
juggalo here. we don't want them.
Devastating.
For what it's worth, the "cats transforming into people" thing is probably based on the bakeneko, yeah. The "bake" in "bakeneko" means "transforming", often with the implication of transforming into people (like the better known bakedanuki and bakegitsune). The popularization of cat-people in anime probably came from Neko-Musume from Gegege no Kitaro (the anime behind the "youkai boom" in modern Japanese culture), who is a half-bakeneko.
Fascinating.
(Dif anon) "leading one to wonder what transphobia they think trans men do face" 99.999% sure at this point we're at "trans men experience misgendering... maybe...?"
Well that doesn't count since everyone wants to be a girl, an idea that I believe has universal appeal because I'm a self-centered moron.
You're awesome <3
Thank you anon. <3
I didn't realize I was trans from yaoi but I did largely realize it from memes about traps and accidentally stumbling across largely transfem subreddits via a anime memes despite being transmasc so. Great amount of respect for our yaoi soldiers.
Hell yeah!
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It's normal for teens to be attracted to other teens, hell it's normal for teens to find adults attractive, but I do think that like. The phenomenon I witnessed in the circles I saw here on tumblr and twitter where we had *Grown Men, Women, And Everyone in-Between Or Neither Or Otherwise*, people who are adults, constantly talking about how bad Castoria needed to get fucked or how much of a sex pervert she was ... I don't know how anyone can witness anyone talking like that about a teenager and not be like, WTF? It was fucked up because so much of LB6 is strictly about Castoria's trauma and neglect, how she only could rely on Ector, and how her supports have been ripped away from her, and how she's expected to do this grand act without a chance to live humanely or experience life or love... and people just wouldn't shut up about sex or petplay or fucking whatever. And she's like just a teenager. She's 16. But people kept acting like she had absolutely insane raging hormones, and projecting their own sexuality onto her, and the shit ppl wrote and drew was like... bro is she not like in dire need of some happiness that doesn't assume sex fixes everything about her? Or rather, do you idiots really think sex just cures you and everything you ever went through? Is sex the end goal of happiness for yall? It just felt demented as fuck. Like, who cares? But also why is it any of their business?
That's what drives me nuts and people talk about it seriously when it's like, American media, like I read conversations discussing how weird it is that tv runners and filmmakers love hyperfocusing in on teenage sexuality & sexualizing teenagers, how burdensome that for teens they can't enjoy media meant for their age group without *somebody* joyfully writing or trying to depict how much Sex they're having or how Sexy they are... I'm not even asexual, I just think this is a patriarchal problem that a ton of people just decided didn't matter anymore. Like it's ok to sexualize teen girls because they're teenagers. And if they're anime it's doubly okay because otaku don't care about that stuff. "Buh its Fikshon. Its make believe its pretend" type excuses made by people who think you don't passively absorb messages about how you should be acting, how you should talk, or look, or behave, depending on the positive connotation and depiction of anything in media. Like we're already aware we are slaves to advertising. Im getting ahead of myself here so let me like recap my thoughts:
- I think a ton of adults have this assumption that fictionality means 1) No teens will see it and internalize Sex = Value, 2) No adults will internalize that it's ok to treat teens like this and start behaving strangely towards teenagers
- "oh well then we should never depict teenage sexuality" How about this: Teenage sexuality has rarely been depicted with the dignity that allows teens to process real emotions about it rather than simply existing as spectacle and entertainment for pedophilic, boundary-lacking, disrespectful adults. And teens know this.
- Castoria is just so blatantly a little girl that needs like guidance and support and real ways of treating her like a person first that when I see people jump to speculating her sex life or talk about fulfilling her through sex I just want to strangle them. It is mostly adults that I have witnessed doing this and very rarely teens.
- I don't trust these adults because I think they have implicit bias directed towards being disrespectful of the boundary between adults and teenagers, they likely don't understand that that boundary is about respect, it's about treating those younger and less experienced than you with dignity and not forcing expectations onto them, they don't understand that negating that boundary is predation. A teenager is not your emotional equal. Or rather, they shouldn't be -- and if they are, and you're an adult, you need to understand your own maturity being on par with a teenager's doesn't mean you have the right to make adult expectations of a teenager. & I think that last bit as a principle applies to Many, Many things, not just sexual abuse dynamics
- I think if people try to strawman and say "well we can never talk about sex ed then" are also stupid because any sex educator will tell you there are clear cut boundary respectful ways that you can advise minors on sex ed and health that are able to answer their questions Without being disrespectful towards the minors involved or prying or treating them as equals to you.
- The older I get the more I realize the sheer and utter gap between a 16-17 yo and Any person above like. TWENTY years old and I start getting angrier and angrier the more instances I see of people talking about teens, fictional teens, teenagers in media, ETC. like they're sex symbols instead of like. Just. Kids. They're kids. They are literally kids that are growing up. My god. You do not really start to understand until you hit like 25 on average, I think, how absolutely batshit insane it is for ppl to be fantasizing about teenagers. & Quite frankly. I find it all starkly antifeminist and properly aligned with fascist ideals to be obsessed with this kind of thing as a virtue of sexual ""liberation"" or whatever people are saying these days. What exactly is liberatory about this and who does it benefit? In what way? What kind of ideas and power does this align with in our current political climate?
Asides from her being 16 years old it does make me insane when people talk about how bad they wanna fuck Castoria or how bad they need her to get fucked or something. I think these people are just straight up deranged. Maybe its bc I have kids but like theres noooo fucking way anyone who looks at Castoria and is fantasizing about anything sexual wrt her isn't a predator in some way bc how the fuck do you look at a sheltered, emotionally neglected 16 yr old like that and start immediately thinking about sex. She should be doing a nature walk field study and like playing basketball with her friends and going to hot topic not doing whatever the hell these weirdos think she should be doing lmfao
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i also know that if i went there to study a master or the equivalent of a master's degree here. that i would probably not come back here and well. that would absolutely break my fucking heart
#like imagine being in love w ur homeland(s) (respectfully and in a non-nationalistic way lmao)#and u dream of building a future here and whatnot#and then u go to the other place that feels like home but its not quite home bc its home in a way that u dont feel at home in other places#but u miss the feeling of home in the other places. and then u stay there and keep on missing ur homeland. like idk bro thats fucked up#i lived there knowing that one day or another‚ i would always come back here (as much as i hated the thought of leaving all my friends etc)#but if the opportunity i mentioned actually happened. i wouldnt even know when i would be able to come back except for maybe holidays#im thinking so ahead of myself here i know#but the thing is that if that is a possibility of being in my future (going back to the US for a few yrs) its more exciting#than whatever future i had in mind here. bc basically here i cant imagine anything else other than studying. like i genuinely cant imagine#myself working in spain. as much as i would want to. i always imagine myself just. living i guess. either in a small town#in the altoaragon/uesca or in my village in cat.#z xarre
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Finally figured out how to block people from a sideblog on mobile. Now I can ensure anyone I don't want reblogging my posts from plushie-lovey won't be able to
#before I was only blocking from main#which I don't think guaranteeds people won't reblog stuff from your sideblog#only that you won't be able to see if they do#if im wrong let me know#but either way I feel better being able to directly block from this blog itself#I went thru my main's blocklist to block any radfems+plushophiles+zoophiles+objectumsexuals on here#I looked at each blog to see who I don't want interacting with plushie-lovey and there were quite a few nasty ones#one person was nearly all the things I just listed except a radfem which is...not the w I'd want it to be#after going thru my blocklist tho I have decided to update my DNI list slightly#after browsing and educating myself a bit I think I am ok with objectums to a point#I still will NOT tolerate anyone who sexyalizes or is romantically interested in stuffed animals#but I'm not gonna be asmuch of a hardass on people who wanna like. fuck computers or whatever#that has nothing to do with me ir my blog so go on ahead with that#anyways rambling over#viti shoosh
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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Oh shit I just realized that Sir Pen is gonna learn that Alastor sold his soul. Cause I'm assuming that people who sold their souls look different then those who didn't. THAT'S gonna be a reaction. Or he's gonna assume "Eh, it's Al. Maybe that's just what it looks like normally."
How dare you look at my mental notes-
I imagine he'd be too scared to look at Alastor's soul at first because "what if he can tell I'm looking at his soul?? 😭😭"
And then he gets the balls to do it and just goes "HOLY SHIT YOU SOLD YOUR SOUL??" because y e a h, sold souls look quite distinct compared to souls who still belong to their mortal bodies! the chains may look different but they are still there nonetheless
Rip penne, you were a real one pfffff-
#real talk tho youre thinking in the right direction!#only problem is that i havent figured out how to address it myself just yet uwu#but thatll be a bit further ahead in the story so! no worries yet!#and im just now realizing how many people in the hotel dont have examples of normal human souls according to my hc#cuz vaggies is like just a better version of default exorcist soul#charlie is hellborn so hers will obviously not be like a human soul#husk alastor and angel all have their souls traded away#i dont even KNOW whats going on with niffty#pentious looking at everyones soul: man i cannot believe i was the only normal one here-#asks#pepper answers#she also rambles at 10pm when she should be asleep but here she is being a dumb#and refusing to sleep#smh my damn head#adam is probably the only normal-souled person#BUT EVEN THEN-#HE FUCKING FELL#thATS GONNA BE A LIL DIFFERENT TOO-#sir pentious#hazbin hotel#alastor hazbin hotel#heavenly serpent au
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one of the kiddos really loves rabbits and we're not able to really do much for Easter related activities irl so I thought I'd draw them with their favourite rabbit 'mon ... perhaps a gift from Guz,,,,,
#i keep going back and forth on whether i want to share system related drawings here but fhdksl this one's too cute to keep to myself#(i made sure everyone was okay w me posting this before this so djdkdl i got the go-ahead from the parts ''in charge'' so to speak)#its funny though bc i thought they'd like buneary the most but nope fjfkdl its scorbunny#when they were front a while back Sunny got them set up w a pinboard so they could save a bunch of cute pkmn art to it fhdkdl#and its mainly scorbunny and teddiursa dbdkdl very good choices tbh#anyways Guz would be SOOO good with them i just know it#it'd be very cute to watch them interact tbh fjdkdl he'd be so kind and gentle w them#also I'd love to watch him struggle to keep up with one of the other kiddos DBFHDKL he'd have to nap after being around her for long LMAO#OUGGHHHH he'd be such a good dad tbh but ... no children for me thanks DBDJDKL i got enough to deal with as is#but ... perhaps i can indulge a little and just make some more art of him interacting w the system kiddos... SOBS i love him sm#ANYWAYS IM A SAPPY FOOL. WAUGH. this is a weird post maybe but fhjdkl i think the art turned out so cutes :3#its not perfect but i also havent drawn any full body poses properly in... at least 2 weeks or smth#💜so good at being in trouble#💜a boy and his bug🪲#doodlebug.png#dandy.cmd
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yaaalllllll there’s this cute guy that might be starting at the place i work soon 🤭 i only saw him in passing cuz he was here for an interview but my PI said he will most likely hire him so 🌝
god pls make this man single n not a horrendous person🧎🏻♀️ for i may have to pursue
#is he cute or is he just TALL#nah he’s cute too he kinda looked like a puppy 😭🤌🏼#also my PI lets me make the work schedule so 🤣#u alr know what i’m bout to do#im getting ahead of myself lmao he hasn’t even started here yet#BUT I HAVEN’T HAD A WORK CRUSH IN SO LONG#WITHOUT A WORK CRUSH THERE’S NO WILL TO CARRY ON#i’m also leaving this job in a couple months anyway🧍🏻♀️i think that’s why my pi is hiring cuz he knows that lol#A FLING THEN#also he might be younger than me if he’s new grad/close to grad 😞#which in case i will not pursue#unfortunately#im not a damn COUGAR#just joking lol but nah i just canttt when they’re younger than me 😭😞#it’s a curse
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also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks
#vertical sleeve gastrectomy to be exact insert nerd emoji here#i might document a lot of whats going on with it and even take some videos honestly#not to share here other than some oversharing text posts about probably constipation LMAO#but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it#feels weird calling myself young on the chronically 13 year old website#but anyone that does post about it posts for like a year and then falls off the face of the earth#genuinely there are so many youtubers that start talking about this stuff#then you find their channel three years deserted and its like man.#i sure hope this means you found better ways to spend your time#and like okay time to get sappy and corny as hell in the notes so go ahead and skip this part idk who even reads my notes hello#but basically everyones that gets this shit is like you gotta find your why#and most of them have kids or like a husband or plans to travel the world or do better at their job#and none of those things really apply to me#i kind of have the perfect storm for being fat#i dont do anything work wise that encourages any kind of movement#im chronically afraid of planes and i cant afford that shit anyways rn#also not very good at romance LOL and never want kids and my entire family is also fat barring my brother#thats not to absolve myself of any of the blame for this shit either like i know i put myself in this situation#i just think like wow my life is pretty much perfect for staying fat but i DONT WANT THAT#I want the highlight of my week to be more than eating takeout man#i want to live life instead of meal to meal to something better#idk what yet maybe jewelery piece to jewelery piece#i could do some serious kandi making while im down for the count#but i dunno man my therapist tells me that in order to feel like a person and not get tired of life i have to do people things and#participate in life yknow?#and its hard to do things like go to the gym talk to people explore fashion styles when i have this overloomingness of being fat#so i guess that could be my why? like i want to experience more of life#i want to be able to walk in a mall and look at all the stores. i want to walk in a mall period. cause it fucking hurts the way i am now#thats all to say the actual “why” that i have is Goddamn it i want to be able to jump from a swing#and not break my fucking ankles
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i'm like a real good writer
#personal log#i needed to skip ahead and write some power couple ending scenes#need to know where i'm headed to get to where i need to go yknow#listen i am WRANGLING canon to make power couple ending both plausible and tasteful#this bad boy can fit like SO many trust issues#sigh. avery is going to have to burn every single bridge isn't he#gonna tear himself down. you can't save me from wallowing in the mud if i throw myself in the pit first#AVERY PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN!!!!#been playing with he finds a way to be one of solas' Many Agents#then the reveal is just like. 'here's your report boss' '(that one meme of dwight theoffice being startled.png'#but like with way higher stakes it won't be THAT boring#like im p sure the Needed Thing is avery would have to BLATANTLY betray what's left of the inq#and part of the operation is in itself sacrificing that piece on the board as it were#sigh. maybe solas highly suspected but didn't let him think about it too hard because goddamn he NEEDED someone that deep in the IC for this#and we all know his denial game can be off the fucking charts#and then it's like#'WHO ELSE WOULD IT FUCKING BE???'#whatever man#this shit isn't even going to be properly drafted for like... years. if i even get that far#sigh. much to consider#if you're still reading this come get your card punched. turn in 10 to get me to shut the fuck up
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same soup... different day
#hello it is sarah in the tags again#i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again#venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone#anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin#back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye#anyway this time i'd come in for the big D#i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong#i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety#its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc#anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the#isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers#isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and#i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic#anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing#i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche#also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like#ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it#and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this
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#misc#negativity ahead#have you ever been jealous of your own work#im sitting here and staring at nonlinear absolution- a fic i wrote when i barely understood mk lore#and im thinking to myself i will never write another thing that people love this much ever again#its not even that great of a fic but people ate it up and like while i absolutely love how excited people were about it#i guess i kinda feel sad??? because i dont know how i am ever going to top it?#generally i write for very niche things anyway whether it be niche fandoms or niche ships so like im very used to little engagement#hence why i never cared about numbers#but then nonlinear absolution happened and it got well over 2000 hits?? over 100 kudos??? comments on every single chapter???#and i guess it kinda spoiled the way i view my own writing#god this sounds so dumb lol it sounds like im complaining that i wrote a fic that was too successful#i promise thats not it 😭 its just that the standard has been raised in a way i dont know how to reconcile#to be deleted
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can a bg3 girl and a nixon gal really fall in love
#txt#sorry im getting far too ahead of myself here but like imagine#us presidents#LOL#i dont think we have enough in common to have like a stable relationship I dont know#i know nothing will actually happen but ahhh#dreamy dreamy sigh#i love TALKING TO SOMEONE WHOS FUN TO TALK TO#paragraphs upon paragraphs upon paragraphs... tell me EVERYTHING girl#EVERYTHING#and oh..? you want as much back from me?#i love you actually thank you for caring thank you for being so sweet#ohhhh save me dutch woman🎶🎶
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#this girl was joking about another girl in my batch fasting on karvachauth for her boyfriend and it was the light jokes so it was okay#but then she said why is she doing it her caste is completely different from his her parents would kill her#and that how college relationships are only for time being until you're in college and you're there for each other's support#and that nothing in college couples is that serious and they may turn out just good friends in future#and there's no reason to worship your love because it's just 'casual'??!!#ive so many feelings and a little heartbreak#ive already tried thinking about future but you know it 2ould just spiral me and thinking tha ahead doesn't make sense know#logically speaking she's right that we can go through SO MANY changes during the college years and no one knows anything ahead#but idk like i love him its not just oh im in college and ive got a boyfriend to get my nights busier and go on silly pretend dates#i didn't date anyone for nineteen years because i just wouldn't date anyone#its just surprising me as well how i came here so clueless and how everything led to each other and then into us#and i don't say stuff like marriage and kids because that's too huge. just too huge right now to think off#and that's also a way of keeping myself humble#and i would love love love to think about a future too not just yet it's too quick and im okay understanding everything rather than diving#but what she said. is so um its messing with my brain#ofc im not letting it over weigh me not at least from a person who's with multiple seniors#sends all her money to her so called youtuber bf#and goes to private places with some other guy#who's in everything for casual#but i don't know what im supposed to do with it right now#playing around my head#or maybe i should just trust the process
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i do think being unconditionally loved is an experience that can be so so healing actually. it cant ever fix anything alone but to feel loved and valued and considered is something that makes carrying burdens just that little bit easier. to trust that youre someone they think about when youre not around, because they tell you. to feel like youre someone important to them because they tell you. to feel safe in knowing youre not being too intense, too annoying, too much, because everything you offer is offered right back without a seconds hesitation. this isnt something i ever thought id get to have, but i found it when i wasnt even looking. and no, it still isnt easy. it doesn't change most things. but it gives you a reason to try.
#not to get sappy or anything#nyxtalks#feelings warning ahead#i don't know i guess im all up in my feelings but. just knowing someone thinks about me when im not around has been kinda life changing#it seems so silly. to put so much weight on just 'hey youre not here but i wanted to tell you this'#but i genuinely mean it when i say that i didnt think id ever have it. that i thought it was asking too much to expect people to remember#i exist when im not actively forcing my presence on them. but she makes it feel like the easiest thing in the world to do#and it makes me want to believe that i deserve that because shes one of the most wonderful people ive ever had the pleasure of knowing#and if /she/ can see that in /me/ then who am i to tell her shes wrong?#i do still worry about so much. i do still think horrible things about myself. those things dont just go away#just because of a little consideration. but i want to see the person she sees. i want to be worthy of the love she shows me#i wish i could tell the person sobbing on their bathroom floor in January about how she doesnt stop. how she manages to be everything#you could possibly want without ever even asking.#i dont want to misrepresent how hard it still is. its not changed. but i think i value myself just a fraction more now#talking to her has also helped my understand myself a lot. introspect on so many things#maybe its not the healthiest take to want to be doing better for somebody elses sake but.#is wanting to do her proud really so bad?
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I need a pretty significant degree of commonality (both subjective and objective) between characters to ship them and I think that's why it's so hard to find f/f ships that draw me in. It's like people making media want to create the polarity that would usually be there through gender by making these women so starkly different that I just become unable to connect.
#like theres always gotta be either super different personalities or an age gap#or a power imbalance or really different experiences values and circumstances and thats just not what im about#and this isnt to say i would like that type of media to disappear because i know a lot of people enjoy that contrast#im just saying i wish that wasnt sooo much of what we have#like nearly all of it#im saying this because i saw a gifset of portrait of a lady on fire which i love#and is one of the rare instances of wlw media where the romance itself really moved me#and i remembered the céline sciamma quote about how it was important to her to have them be#as equal as she could possibly make them down to the heights#and how thats probably why i was able to connect with it so much#and like i love Carol (2015) Dir. Todd Haynes but I don't ship Carol and Therese!#anyway this is my periodic complaint about the lack of f/f friends to lovers#but like real ones not like headcanon ones although even then for most this would still apply!#ramblings#i could say a lot about how this doesnt plague m/m nearly as much and how it all circles back to misogyny but ill spare myself#but heres the thing ill still go ahead and check out anything with lesbians in it and support it and enjoy it in different ways#so this is not an excuse as to why im not contributing to wlw because i AM out there constantly searching#lest anyone think im doing a thing i hate which is people making up excuses not to care about women
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