#im sure ill get better at some point im just struggling right now and have been for a bit

[kiwi]

Why don't you make full paintings in stylized semi realism anymore?

i dont make anything anymore man [crying emoji]

[phagodyke]

venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍

haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(

[antoncyng]

small heeseung drabble because ive been thinking of this plot lately and heeseung fits it so well..

notes: gamer!idol!heeseung x gamer!fem!reader, cyber(semi) love, online friends to lovers

wc: 534

after a long day of work, you made your way back home in a taxi, tired but energy saved for at least a few rounds of whatever game your online bestfriend feels like playing today. that friend was named lee heeseung, you two have been friends for around 2 years now, and in the past year you found out a secret that he’s been trying his best to hide from you.

heeseung was a pretty famous kpop idol, not only pretty famous, but his group (ENHYPEN) was a huge recent hit globally and in korea. you only found out about him when your bestfriend dragged you to their concert, recognizing his face as you enjoyed the concert.

even after the argument you two went through after you found out, you realized theres no reason for you to be mad at him, you understood why he didn’t want to tell you and you slowly but surely understood that. but today, you didn’t expect the surprise you would be getting when you got home.

you got home, turning on your pc and connecting your headphones, noticing heeseung was already online so you called him, his face that held his signature bright smile that popped up on your screen when he answered your call, but he wasn’t in his normal dorm set up? you can’t lie, heeseung was really, and i mean really attractive, to the point where you’re 99% sure you had feelings for him, but of course you couldn’t admit that. i mean, doesn’t that seem kinda pathetic? falling for your online bestfriend of 2 years, whos a kpop idol as well.. what would he think? “hey yn, you look tired. you just got off from work didn’t you?” heeseung spoke, his english getting better day by day. “yeah, is it that obvious?” you said with a slight laugh. “where are you? i dont hear sunoo screaming in the back, and your background looks different” you said, half joking about the sunoo part.. “oh im just, somewhere else right now.. sorry if my quality might be bad, im on my phone right now. i was wondering if you just wanna sit and talk today, no games, just us” he said, slightly struggling with some of his words but you thought it was cute and nodded. “sure, im too tired to play anything right now anyways.” you responded, and started your guys conversation.

you soon got so tired while talking to him about your week, you didn’t even notice the way he turned off his camera and just listened to you talk, not knowing what he was doing, until you were interrupted by a doorbell ringing. “oh heeseung, someones at my door ill be back” you told him, getting up from your chair and putting on your slippers, sliding off the headphones from your ears as you make your way to the front door, opening it and your jaw dropping.

there he was, heeseung with the widest grin on his face ever as he hung up the call on his phone, his arms wide open as you stood in the doorway, trying to process what was even going on. “what? are you gonna stand there or come hug me?” he said, laughing a little as your basically jumped into his arms. “what are you doing here?!” you said, pulling away from the hug as his arms were still wrapped around your waist and lower back, still holding you close. “i wanted to surprise you, i also had something i wanted to say in person,” he said as you looked at him waiting to continue. “i like you yn, we’ve been friends for all this time and i couldn’t help but fall for you. you’ve always been there to make me happy even if we were thousands of miles away, when i was tired from practices and comebacks, even just your voice boosted my energy. i told my members about you non stop, they’re actually here in nyc with me ince we’re on vacation. and before you say anything! don’t worry about my idol career, i talked to my company and staff about everything so we have it under control, just please say yes yn..” he said, making eye contact that soon got cut off by your lips connecting. you pulled away with a big smile on your face. “of course heeseung, you dont understand how long i’ve been waiting for this.”

“you’re finally in my arms, and finally mine.”

[ritzcuit]

it's no secret that i am a massive fan of spirit of justice, except more specifically, i am a massive fan of datz are'bal, and More specifically, i'm a fan of datz's relationship with dhurke, which i widely have to extrapolate from context clues bc this game hates me. so i often reread the transcripts, of 6-3 and 6-5, to reflect upon the nature of datz are'bal.

well... the way he talks abt dhurke drives me crazy mostly. and i wanted to compile all the freak moments where he yaps about dhurke and the kids. Plus some random extra bits... think of it like a dhurkedatz manifesto, if you want

screenshots using the ace attorney wikia transcript. soj spoilers ahead. Obviously

we have to start midway through the third case, 'cause up until this point datz had brain damage. anyway "brother in arms" gay. "just like you!" gay. Ok not that gay. but it demonstrates datz's entire purpose for being in this game, "im going to tell you about dhurke sahdmadhi in great detail"

oh god It's starting. this is from inspecting the board of photos in the defiant dragons' office.. sorry i forgot datz's other purpose for being in this game, "i'm going to tell you about dhurke sahdmadhi's kids in great detail." i cant. hes so. endlknfgdf

just all this yapping for no reason. it's like a guy showing you photos of his kids in his wallet. Yeah he went to school to study revolution^_^ being close enough to that family to know how much yuty looked up to dhurke is so... to know yuty's motivations... why do you know all this, datz?! do you think he would help yuty study for law school 🥺well dhurke definitely did too, but like...what if both of them helped 🥺

"dhurke's been beside himself" as if datz didn't just wistfully reminisce about how yuty used to be the pride of the dragons. you are NOT an impartial party my man! "we all thought! we were sure...!" it makes me wonder how many other rebels would know that dhurke was torn up over losing his son like this. he puts on a strong face, right, like everyone in ace attorney... but datz is at least close enough to see him struggling with it. like come awn

just more yapping. mind you, datz is currently pretending to be abandoning the revolution right now (though you probably can interact with this afterwards, when he gives up on that). but still. pov you went to a defector to get info on the defiant dragons, but all he's doing is talking about their leader's sons for no damn reason

BC IT'S THE LIKE. EAGERNESS. THAT GETS ME. he knew those kids and by god he is going to tell you about them 😭

inspecting the old sign........... it brings to mind a datz who used to hang around in dhurke's old office with him, like maya does phoenix, just being in his business for no good reason. young 20 somethings with the whole world open to them. "this place has seen better days" and i know damn well datz was seeing them too! Gay

talking to datz directly, this is under "dhurke the attorney" and the fanboying Begins in earnest. again, theoretically, he is pretending to defect from the dragons right now. it's like he was fucking vibrating waiting for phoenix to ask him about his best friend. "he was a force to be reckoned with! he was a juggernaut, as mighty as a dragon!" YOU! ARE! GAY! just geeking out over how cool dhurke was for NO REASON

STOP

Like i cannot express how much of a fucking geek he sounds like right here. "oh i'm defecting from the dragons cus dhurke is a traitorous snake. Anyway he's SO FUCKING COOL :)" he literally sounds awestruck. He would never surrender... sparkling eyes... EW

while breaking datz's psyche locks. gay

i dont even have anything to say. "that look in your eyes... it's just like dhurke's" Yeah i bet you pay attention to what dhurke's eye looks like you little freak. i bet dhurke said something rly cool in court one time and you fell in love with him then and there. Ewwwww Throws hammers. also i just like these lines it's very badass of him. datz said ok ill die for the dragons idgaf and phoenix said IGAF VERY MUCH PERSONALLY I LOVE NOT DYING

pff

later on, after all topics were cleared, datz exposition dumps some more. nothing actually that interesting but "dhurke was framed, i'm telling ya!" is sooo cute to me. it makes me wonder how many rebels do still think dhurke's guilty, but are critical of the ga'ranian regime for other reasons. probably a lot, right? thinking about datz defending dhurke's innocence to other dragons, but then dhurke's like... datz it's fine if they think i'm guilty, so long as they still agree with our cause. it isn't about me it's about the greater good of khura'in. and datz is like. OK BUT THEY'RE STILL WRONG THOUGH 😭😭

"it's like dhurke used to say" fanboy. there's no other words for it

"fangs of the defiant dragons" is an interesting thing. datz calls himself that thrice (once during the trial after he regains his memory and once later on in 6-5). i don't know what it means. LOL i even made my friend who knows japanese hunt down the original line to try and understand it, and we got nothing bc it's basically identical. it gives off the impression that He's Him, tm, he's The Guy, who does shit.. which isn't actually very dhurkedatz, but it's dhurkedatz to me. so much of dhurke IS the revolution, and the dragons. their entire relationship is through the revolution and the dragons. so it stands to reason that if datz is important to the dragons, then he's important to...?well you know

like the defiant dragon bites down and doesnt let go. it needs fangs to bite, of course.......oh the crucial datz...crying

that's basically it for 6-3, except the very end-

aw. theyre hanging out :)

cutting to 6-5 because 6-4 has nothing for us. i have dreams that 6-4 actually has datz in it somewhere and i just never checked, because there's something wrong with me

datz isn't here yet.. this is from inspecting charley, obvs. who's "we" though. you know who we is? it's datz. now. to me. it's dhurke and datz. they lost aj and then yuty ok let them have their cactus. This could also just be a lie ENDFKLNGDF But its too easy to imagine datz getting a cactus and being like "it's like aj! 'cause of it's spines!" and dhurke is Just enough of a sad lonely old man to keep it around. until it like dies i guess rip apollo

talking to dhurke under "request" gives us this. My Compatriot. god made them compatriots bc they would be unstoppable as canon lovers. my compatriot. i should smack u. THATS UR FANGS IDIOT -_- Anyway it's clear from how much datz yaps abt him, but it's nice to have confirmation that apollo remembers him too :) running around him... maybe its "running around with him"? i wouldnt know. but still...so cute..what if i cried rightnow

a whole bunch of nothing bc they're keen on hiding him from me. this is ages later while inspecting the suitcase in archie buff's house. dhurke...thats ur knucklehead...

apollo remembering enough about datz to make fun of him *wiping tear from eye*im so happy *sniffling*

talking to paul atishon, who does not matter. dhurke... hes your buffoon....

but don't worry. he's here. it's datz. everyone get excited. it's time for The Scene, of which i have actual screenshots

this is my "intellectual attraction" this is my "unnecessary feelings" my "her respect as a coworker wasn't all i wanted" orhowever that shit goes. Dhurke! You're a sight for sore eyes! it's so nothing compared to those other three, but i can't help it. I love it so much.....

i love datz being such a freak who can't calm down for 5 minutes. i love dhurke being so understated here. its so funny. he said girl calm down it's just me 😭 and datz's stupid big ass smile once he realizes it's oomf.. i knew you'd come save me!

it's worth noting that in jp, according to my friend who knows these sorts of things, "you're a sight for sore eyes" is just "My partner!" with partner being aibou, which is also used for phoenix/edgeworth, klavier/daryan, and asougi/ryuunosuke. It's too much...datz likes him so bad. get a ROOM!

theyre both so weird

if you present the founder's orb transfer agreement, you get this exchange. please...the banter. i wish we got 50000p more pages of this.

Anyway um it turns out i hit image limit ...smiles cheekily...i could replace the sight for sore eyes pics with one screenshot, but i wont, bc its that important To Me. well. ill continue this in a part 2 because there is still plenty more to be seen

[strxbrymochi]

random when you're sick jaemin drabble

pairing: jaemin x reader (i tried to make it gen neutral djsjsjs)

words: like less than 1k ish??

warnings: mentions of sickness, illness, id say it be too close to home fr

synopsis: basically you're sick and jaemin's here to comfort you as much as he can long distance style.

note: a random ass drabble i came up w as im lying in bed sick for the 4th day and after a conversation i had with my mom bc i needed an outlet lol (its like 99% based on real life events other than the fact that i unfortunately do not have a jaemin with me 💔)

you absolutely despised being sick. okay, maybe sometimes you would be okay with it because it served as a formidable excuse to get out of work or your responsibilities for a couple days but that was when "sick" constituted to simply a cold or a fever that passes over the next day, not when you're tied down to the bed and the toilet every second of every day.

you wake up one day to shivers, brushing it off, you continue on with your day, heading over to work. on your way to work, you start feeling dizzy, nausea hitting you. you take a pill to calm down and make your way to your shift. today, you were working at a small fast food chain restaurant and if things couldn't get any worse, you were assigned to deal with the blowtorch. the heat from the fire and small space rushing all the way to your head but you push through, making it to the very end of your 3 hour shift.

making your way to your next appointment, you scavenge for food to hopefully give you back your appetite. you haven't eaten a proper decent meal all day; only crackers before you drank your pill. oh, and did i forget to mention, you headed into work with a 38 degree fever; claiming "to be fine" because you needed the hours to sustain your living expenses in a foreign country all alone.

at your meeting, you're met with fatigue. a wave of exhaustion rushes over you and coughing fits take over. your brain barely processing what was being discussed, only speaking when directly being asked a question. but still, you push through, ensuring everyone around you that you were going to be okay. that it will all brush away soon and that you really are just tired. your fever has reached close to 40 degrees.

you sigh, throwing your phone on your bed. on any other day you would have loved to talk to jaemin, especially now that you two were oceans apart. it killed you to know that if only you hadn't moved he would be right there and you could see him in person. that alone would've been all the medicine you need to get better. but alas, life had other plans.

the next couple days consisted of sleep, wake up, repeat. occassional trips to the toilet and visits from coughing fits disrupting your sleep that make you sound like you're entering into an entirely different dimension. you had absolutely no energy-- to eat, to move, to do anything really. when you said you needed a break, this wasn't what you meant.

jaemin would call you, or attempt to call you and you would pick up, if you were awake and if you were in the mood to speak. he would send you daily messages to drink your medicine, eat meals, get some rest. you knew he was worried and it killed you not to be able to ensure some type of reassurance everything was going to be fine. you knew if he found out what you had been actually doing, you would never hear the end of it.

one night you had awoken from your nap struggling to find something to eat, let alone the energy to consume anything. at this point, your stomach is practically bounded to an electrical heating compress to temporarily soothe your pains. you weren't sure if you were getting any better. your fever was relatively gone sure, but the coughs, stomach pains and diarrhea remained. let alone, that morning you almost passed out in the toilet, hearing muffled, ears ringing, vision blurred. all you could do is pray.

well, at least your sense of humor was back.

---

LOL such an abrupt ending idk i just needed an outlet to express how im currently feeling and whats been going on these past few days so if theres a delay with mtt or my other stuff i apologize once again 😭😭 need all the prayers and support i can get fr; being sick is one thing, being sick in a foreign country alone is another story. for anyone else who has gone thru or is currently going thru same thing, i hope yalls feel better soon and that know things will get better! bc i know thats what i need rn 🫡

[tai-janai]

I'm trying to write something for Slay the Princess but writer's block kicked in just as I'm getting to Hunted pov and I'm struggling. As I know you enjoy the little guy, this is an open invitation to just ramble about them if you want. I like reading other people's thoughts.

huh. uhhh sure, ill give some thoughts.

Biggest thing , especially when it comes to writing him;

uh, he is very to-the-point, and thats for sure, but he isnt... i dont know, crazy? (im not sure if that's the word im looking for) he's very articulate. and strangely intimate (maybe thats just because it's constantly In Your Ear, but still)

a lot of his words are somewhat flowery rather than , ehh... simple? "pricked ears" "steel claw" "drowning in death" like, buddy, those are a writer's words. his simple things like "this is bad!" comes more when he has to express himself and his reasoning.

and maybe thats just me, but that is. sooo autism. in his mind there is this intricacy but when it comes to interacting with others, it needs to be as simple as possible so he doesnt get misunderstood. "id rather not" is just so important to me.

anyway. i really like its relation to LQ. him hero and oppy have got to be his biggest supporters. i mean, why be against anything LQ picks? can't go back now, no point of regret. pick up the pieces and make something better. living with the scraps is better than dying, at least in hunted's eyes.

something that ive found particularly interesting is his idea of change and newness. for most animalistic things, change isn't something viewed in a good light. repetition is good but alterations are usually kind of bad. but hunted specifically points out that "different is good." i've made this connection before that all the voices prefer change to stagnancy, but it's particularly striking with hunted. honestly, it makes writing it a bit of a struggle sometimes because that doesn't feel like something it would say, but obviously it's real.

i don't think he likes his prey role. can you blame it? jeez, that shit sucks. being the only reasonable one, and youre the one that sounds the most batshit insane. "the mirror isnt there, i cant smell it" "maybe He can't see the mirror like how He couldn't see the past life" "all she needs is her heart" he is just Always Right and thats so amazing to me as a character type.

in another life, without danger, i think it'd be a writer, or another type of artist. something chill. as good as he is in his role, better than any other voice could handle it, i think he'd be happiest living a chill life.

[systems-overloaded]

i dont normally talk about disability stuff here i dont think, but i actually want to right now, and its relevant to me as a whole, so whatever.

(im not being specific about dx though, parts are scared somehow that could identify us, because not all conditions are common.)

~~~~

had an apptmnt the other day, i think yesterday? it was within this week for sure.

i thought i was there for a new wheelchair evaluation, but apparently these are the people who had to refer me to the people who do the evaluations and order you the wheelchairs.

a bit discouraged, because i was anticipating this being particularly a wheelchair evaluation, not just a dr whos going to document the need for a wheelchair evaluation (which. ive needed my powerchair inside my own home for 6+ years now, and my conditions only gotten worse. im absolutely overdue for another chair. there shouldnt be even more steps then there already are.)

at the apptmnt though, i honestly thought i did a good job masking. i was able to talk enough to answer questions, but thankfully my mom was there and said upfront that i have trouble sometimes with speech, that its very tiring for me. so i was able to just kinda point to her and say "too many words" and shed said some of my medical histories for me. but i answered all the questions about my relevant symptoms and pain types/levels, etc. i definitely stumbled and fumbled some words, but i thought it was "within normal speech", just maybe "tired person speech".

but when i looked at the drs notes today, under "psych" they put "flat effect". i mean... i know i have a flat effect, some alters are definitely more expressive naturally, but there are many who are just hardcore masking all the time. i struggle with even trying to mask and make those expressions (the ones others within do). but like... i thought i did a good enough job? i thought i smiled some or made some expressions? i dont think drs have ever added that before in our charts.

idk, maybe this is just from unmasking, or because im different from the parts that used to be fronting at those appointments? im not sure.

~~~~~

and im... a bit scared to be honest. for some reason every couple years, especially around autumn, the subsystems that are the main fronters, change. and although ive been fronting for most our lives, i dont think ive ever been out this much, in such a sort amount of time.

am i (and the others i have better communication with) just the new fronters? does that mean, since we all struggle to talk alot in varying degrees, and struggle to mask or create expressions, that were now going to be even more visibly autistic? visibly /vulnerable/? (like, yeah i use a power chair all the time, but i dont view that as vulnerable. i dont think it makes ppl see me as a potential target.) being visibly autistic, being visibly someone who'll rely on AAC (even when just part time, or when i can technically get some words out), and also being visibly queer at certain times, ooph... ooph. ahhhh thats ummmmm a bit scary.

~~~~~~~~

back to the appointment though. ultimately, they documented what was shared well in the notes. there was absolutely a miscommunication, they said i used my rollator in the house occasionally (id shared that i own a rollator, and had used it in the past. prior to needing my powerchair, so there mustve been a miscommunication with how i worded my response, or their interpretations). and i think some confusion initially about my conditions (since theyre used to seeing like spinal cord injuries, or people with strokes pretty much exclusively), but in the end they said i need my powerchair to complete my ADLs and that ill need the features of tilt, relcine, leg elevation, and custom positioning seating, and they specified well for which conditions i need them for. they covered all the info needed for insurance to approve those features. so i dont think imma go through the hassle of asking them to correct it.

~~~~~

im sending hopes and wishes towards the universe, for all things to go smoothly. for everything to get covered easily and for all the things that will improve my quality of life, improve my capacity for independence, to lessen my pain, and all me to be more functional even just within my home.

any well thoughts towards this is appreciated. (well thoughts and wishes, not prayers)

[moremeangirlscontent]

I just got cast as Cady in my school's production of mean girls. Tell me your Cady head cannons so I can add them to my characterization sheet >:)

oml im so sorry this is so late. i read it in school and was like "oh hell yeah, ill do it when im home" and then forgot :((

Now I have already posted some Cady headcanons on here (couldnt figure out how to link it but it was my first post i think) BUT dw i gotchu bestie, have some more <33

EVEN MORE CADY HERON HEADCANONS

struggles with social cues but before she meets the plastics she isnt really bothered by it? like she doesnt really get that she isnt getting jokes, she assumes she just doesnt find whatever was said funny. but when she meets the plastics and is thrown into survival teenager mode she becomes hyper aware of how she acts and starts fake laughing when everyone else does even if she doesn't necessarily get it

Genuinely adores the mathletes with her whole heart. She thinks they are the coolest people on earth and would be SO excited to learn about their interests and stuff. They helped her become a better person and she knows it.

Always cold so she is the most notorious clothes stealer. Half of her closet is made up of things she stole off Gretchen (regina's clothes were always too small) or Janis or Damien

Leaving Janis during "someone gets hurt reprise" DESTROYED her. after the party was over she locked herself in her bathroom and cried for hours. she felt so disgusted with herself. all she wanted to do was apologised and hug her but by this point she has convinced herself that she needs to keep her status for survival.

When she first meets the mathletes I think it would be adorable to see her get absolutely ECSTATIC. sure she has Janis and Damien but the three of them get along due to their differences. when she meets the mathletes i headcanon that Cady has finally found people who are just like her and I think she would be really excited about that.

She really, really wants to help Gretchen. Like really. She can see right past Gretchen's whole facade and doesnt get why nobody else does. she just wants her friend to be happy.

I hope some of these help ! I tried to think about headcanons that you could use to make character choices on stage lmao. This was rlly fun and if you need any more plz send another ask! i promise the wait wont be as long next time :sob:

[lovebvni]

shifting update

wow. i kinda just realized i haven’t spoke about my shifting journey and how it goes with me… lmao. oops! my bad, guys! anyways, here’s a long needed update to come while i’m working on a blog about my whole shifting journey until now. that blog should come out mid december im thinking.

anyways, i’ve been making attempts left and right yall 💀💀 just about every night since i had the flu. there’s like one day i didn’t shift lmao, and it was bc i was balling my eyes out and i struggled to even breathe right. 💀💀

anyways! last night i made an attempt using the new “wing it” method i’ve been trying out, and it actually went quite well. i did this wednesday night too and i got symptoms! something i haven’t got in a while. the symptoms were just feeling heavy/floaty btw 💀 noting too wild.

but, the thing is, i haven’t personally been feeling satisfied with my attempts. i feel like im getting to the point where im starting to be satisfied with them, though. like last night i actually felt pretty okay with what i did before i fell asleep (as im doing an asleep method)

i don’t know what my personal issue is with it, btw, it’s not that i feel disappointed in myself, but more that i wish i was doing better? or more? i’m a perfectionist btw 💀 and i know shifting has absolutely nothing to do with doing the “right” thing, but rather doing what feels right to you and what you can and will believe. but i believe i can do more. although believing i can do more doesn’t mean i SHOULD do more. like i could just be good with what im doing, but do it in a different order you know?

but i… i don’t even know how to explain it other than im not satisfied. i want to do more and it’s driving me CRAZY that im not. its like driving on a highway, i want to go faster but i can’t and i don’t need to. sure, there’s 30 minutes before i get to my destination and i think im going to be late, but in reality i’ll be on time or even early. i just need to relax and let the navigation guide me. worry about where i am right now and the next stop, not the steps after.

and i’ve been advised not to take a break btw!! this is not me overworking myself. i have a specific sign i have to see before making an attempt and another sign if i shouldn’t make an attempt. the universe knows these signs and has been showing me them DAILY before i make an attempt. don’t worry yall 💀💀

anyways i guess ill try to talk more abt my shifting journey now! i know it helps some people figure out where they’re going and whatnot, so… yeah! my goal is to help and advice while i’m getting to my current destination — and even after i get there. i love yall! happy shifting :)

[iantimony]

yay tuesday is back

return of tuesday! i had two weeks in the UK which was very fun but i am definitely vacationed out - i miss my routine. longer trips like that are only fun towards the end if you have a home base that isn't just a hotel room.

listening: newest coral bones ep is very chill. it's only three songs and they're all very vibey but i think my favorite is 'seatac'. i wish they were still posting on bandcamp. alas.

SeaTac - Coral Bones

also got back into listening to the altogether - their album 'when we were kids' is very travel-coded to me for some reason, it was on loop my entire train ride from london up to edinburgh. (i'm also pretty sure brian david gilbert of all people is featured on this album haha)

Billy & Anne - The Altogether

finally, i saw st. vincent live in london this past weekend!!! it was a really good concert, lots of fun, interesting venue. she's definitely got an insane stage presence. the opening act (heartworms) was fun too, my brother and his friend weren't interested and described it as 'moody goth bullshit' and i was like well. that is right up my alley. you boys enjoy the bar im gonna go be moody and goth. it was good!

i think if i do standing room tickets again i need to invest in some platform shoes, at least two or three inches, because some of that was a struggle to see Anything ... i did manage to find a spot where i had a decent little corridor between heads to see the stage, however i was directly behind a guy in a bowler (?? fedora?? idfk) hat and his boyfriend who kept moving around and dancing (fine) and gyrating (also fine ?? i do not consider st. vincent particularly gyrate-able music but what do i know) so i also had to do some leaning side-to-side to see around them. one of her songs has a line about jumping off the london bridge and the way they both looked at each other and pointed gleefully at themselves while going "meeee" was very funny. i bet they're on tumblr, they had the vibes. hello gay guys at the london st. vincent concert, if you're reading this.

reading: i read 'when the angels left the old country' by sacha lamb in the two days that i was alone in edinburgh before my brother came! it was good, speedy read, i enjoyed the characters and overall conceit well enough. probably not on the to-buy list, i'd just rented an ebook for my trip.

some miscellanous articles from my pocket emails:

How to Coexist With a Belligerent Catbird by Caitlin Gibson (<3)

The Last Kid in Ninth Grade Without an iPhone by Liz Kreiger (this was relatable as a kid whose parents did Not let her get anything more complex than a flipphone for emergencies until i got myself one as a senior in high school and i think i was better off for it)

The Case for Doing Laundry Every Day by Rebecca Onion (insane, IMO)

watching: mostly fallow, did watch one of the dunmeshi eps that came out when i was gone with the boy yesterday and will probably watch the second one tonight.

i have Opened the jenny nicholson star wars hotel video, not yet watched, but saw in my patreon emails from friends at the table that the tablefriends did a related episode on their star wars podcast, which, i then noticed like [leo decaprio pointing meme] xeecee spotted in the credits for the cover art ?? i'm not surprised they are aware of each other but i thought it was funny

playing: fallow! completely, for once! no ttrpgs, no video games, etc. i guess i played a Lot of solitaire on my flight back from the uk, maybe that counts lol

making: i did a lot of sketching on my trip! i made a watercolor travel journal that somehow doesn't have enough pages so i'll have to rebind it but oh well. no watercolor pics for now but i'm excited to share those as i go! in the meantime, some sketches i did in the east princes street gardent, the scottish parliament, and the victoria and albert museum in london respectively:

i think once i finish the travel journal ill try to do a higher quality scan of it and upload a pdf somewhere, i feel like that will be fun.

eating: ough i ate a lot of good food in the uk. mostly the non-british food unsurprisingly but i Did have some really good fish & chips moments. last meal of the trip especially we got a recommendation from one of my brother's friends who goes to cambridge and ouuuugh that shit was So good.

misc: it's good to be back ... now i'm back in The Grind (work) but i don't mind it. despite the jetlag i'm feeling refocused and excited to get moving on stuff again. i liked a lot of stuff about the uk (trains, vibes) but i also did not like some stuff (why are the cold meds So weak there lmfao) and overall i'm glad to e home :)

[mercifullymad]

yeah i have ocd too and ive been reading your posts + the ask you answered and man i really really feel it. i was in erp for about two years steady, and i was genuinely able to overcome a few of my less severe obsessions that way, to a large amount of relief. but for my most severe thing, a (very visible, facially) brfb obsession/compulsion that has caused me so much strife and social anxiety for years, i got next to nowhere. even when i would manage to go a handful of days without doing it, i would inevitably lapse - and then feel like absolute shit about it, because i felt like i wasn’t strong enough to win this battle i’d been told i’m fighting. since i have some overlapping perfectionism issues, this cycle was just brutal for my self esteem. then my regular erp therapist retired, and ive been meaning to get back into it but the thought just.. exhausts me. but then i also keep brfb-ing myself and still need help with that. but then erp wasn’t really working on it anyway… it’s really left me feeling like i don’t know what to do. so on the one hand i fully agree with what youre saying about how erp is not necessarily the answer to every o/c and that reassurance is not the Worst Imaginable Thing to offer a person with ocd, but unlike some other compulsions that im sure could be lived with, the thought of going through my whole life doing what i do is… hard lol. socially, mentally, physically hard. anyway i dont mean to just vent at you.. i guess my point is that yeah its just so so so frustrating that erp and fighter mentality is treated as kind of the be all end all solution for ocd right now.

like not to sound like a baby but. im not looking for a fight, im looking for help!! and yeah “only i can save me” or whatever but it feels like ocd is kind of underrepresented in the world of mental illnesses that are/can be utterly debilitating. because its nuts that there is kind of no other treatment suggestion for who are really suffering and simply arent - for whatever reason, temporarily or otherwise - the vigilant mentally tough fighters erp recovery models want us to be. and i dont even mean that in a defeatist or deprecating way, i mean like.. sometimes your ocd makes you depressed! and then, what with the depression and all, you just don’t have it in you for what erp demands. im not a psychologist or anything but man there’s gotta be a better a way

I really relate to and empathize with what you’re saying. I also struggle with a BFRB where I pick at my face and other very visible spots on my body, which increases my already-substantial social anxiety. It is an absolutely brutal cycle for self-esteem, including how you feel “defeated” by not being “strong enough” to be a “OCD fighter.” This is another reason why I don’t like the fight(er) framing around OCD; it makes those who don’t respond to ERP in the prescribed way feel like they have failed, rather than there being a morally-neutral mismatch between the treatment and the individual. 

I do want to ensure we don’t fall into the misconception that critiquing ERP or other “gold standard” treatments for OCD means that the only other option is to learn to live with OCD without attempting to alleviate our suffering or cut back on our compulsive rituals. I have tried, as I’m sure you have, a great many things to try and stop myself from picking (badly) at my face: countless fidget toys, thick press-on nails, NAC pills, pimple patches and hydrocolloid band-aids, reducing my anxiety levels, avoiding mirrors, etc. I doubt I will ever completely eliminate my urge to pick, but I can pick and choose (ha) from what treatments, therapies, and means of harm reduction I find most effective in combination with each other. I can try lots of different things and see what works for me and what doesn’t. And this approach — going in with the assumption that many things won’t work for me, and some will, and neither of those results is a moral reflection of how hard I’m “fighting OCD” — allows me to have a more compassionate and forgiving relationship to myself and my picking. 

You really nail my own feelings when you say “I’m not looking for a fight, I’m looking for help.” This framing of requiring mad/mentally ill people to be “fighters” in order to receive help/treatment is extremely counterintuitive for those of us too depressed to muster up the energy to “fight.” One of the reasons I stopped structured ERP was because I was too depressed to get out of bed, let alone go out into the world and do daily exposures. Like most of the mental health treatment industry, this treatment is not structured for people seriously struggling in more than one area, despite the fact that most people do. 

I agree that there has to be a better way to treat/heal from/live with OCD than the limited options we’re given now, and I believe that creating these “better ways” starts with conversations like this one: talking, sharing, and brainstorming with other mad people and forging new ways of relating to each other and ourselves. I sincerely hope that you’re able to hold compassion for yourself, regardless of whether you “lapse” in picking, and that you’re able to access means of treatment that work best for you as an individual. This is an extremely difficult thing to live with, but thankfully, we don’t have to live with it alone — there is a community ready to commiserate and create with you, regardless of how “successful” you are at “fighting” OCD.

[astranite]

vent post because I am a mess and i've just got to stick it all somewhere. I don't even know what or why I'm putting it here. Just there is way too much inside my head.

(trying to stick all of my intensely personal bullshit under a cut)

Just a whole pile of stuff. (this isnt even the half of it). A whole bunch of things I thought i was okay about but maybe I'm really not. And that maybe my whole scale of okayness is kinda fucked up. And i seem to randomly swing from telling myself this is fine to no wait its all pretty fucked up. Basically that meme of the dog in the on fire house going this is fine. Welcome to everything is on fire but we're not freaking out about it because we're past that point. But sometimes it feels honestly okay and then something else hits.

Nothing in my life is even that bad. I'm getting my shit together. Its probably better than it has been in a while (or maybe its not, i dont know). I'm making positive progress towards the future. I drafted a job application. I'm trying to unfuck my tertiary studies. I literally keep telling myself I'm an adult, even though I feel like a fuck up kid still.

I just want to move the hell out. So I'm making steps towards it. Not because its bad, bad. More conflicting access needs I guess. And I feel trapped here and on guard and responsible for everything. Or Im just a problem or have problems because clearly everyone else is fine but that's probably not a great way to think.

Not sure what I'm feeling right now. Actually mostly just numb and vaguely ill. Yay for crushing down all your emotions until you can't feel them any more. Because, yeah, I can't be upset about things. It scares and worries people and I'm already way too intense.

And when I do it, i seem calm and fine to people, and hey neither crying nor panicking has be a good thing. Except I'm blank when I know I'm upset or would be, and its not fine. Honestly probably a bit messed up. Huh.

(I know its not good for me. I am so very aware of this) (i know hiding stuff is literally one of my biggest 'things are getting bad' red flags)

I'd probably be way more okay if I was crying and yelling and getting mad about stuff. Instead of just quietly, calmly imploding. Or walking around and smiling and acting normal. (its only sometimes, not all the time. And just happens to be right now)

Also past shit keeps metaphorically walking up to me, and maybe I didn't process it great. because its evidently still bothering me even though its years ago.

(Yes, realising some of this stuff was a That moment when you're writing and you realise that wow character has a whole bunch of issues. Then that was at least 50-70% me.)

I do keep picking myself up from the floor over and over because I'm too stubborn not to.

Also: I'm so sick of being misgendered by family. Like they do support me and are trying with different pronouns. But getting it right barely any of the time. And if I call them out on it to correct them, then they get upset. So I just have to put up with it silently, and yeah, she's trying, so I feel like I can't be upset about it but it still hurts, and maybe its not good enough. And I don't even know whether I could change my name, at least not without upsetting peopl, I've been told "please don't change you name, I like your name" but I don't even know if it feels like me. It's like people are supportive, but being nonbinary or trans or anything isn't actually a valid option. They/them isn't that hard if you practice it and even if it is it's still very much important to me. And none of them think of me as such which is maybe the problem. Except my friends, who actually do get it right which is nice.

I guess I'm struggling. And also all my friends and family have way too much of their own stuff going on.

So stupid vent post yelling into the void, it is then. Maybe I'm just being dramatic about it all.

I'd say I'm okay and don't worry (if anyone's even fucking reading this) but that would probably be more concerning. But I'll survive this like I survived every other fucking thing the universe has thrown at me.

(and I will and have asked for help, so stuff is at least sort of getting sorted, because this is not my first mental health rodeo.)

[sentientgopro]

Alright, later today will be the one week mark since cracking, and its wild how much has changed and how much has stayed the same. Sure, I still can't actually transition for quite a long time, but just the realisations and understanding this has brought me has been life changing. To focus less on the trans part for a second, Its fucking shocking how much having something to look forward to has affected me. I never noticed how bad shit was before until its gotten better. To see the extent to which a lack of positive reasons to Carry On actually affected me on a day to day basis. But I don't wanna dwell on that, Im getting shit done and am catching up with where I should be academically. Reaching Uni keeps looking easier and easier. And yes, I still have times where I feel how I felt before. i make a small mistake, get berated for it, and wonder why I fuckin bother Carrying On. But even at that time, I know its temporary, I know itll pass, and it does. That wasn't happening before, it just stuck.

As I uncover more about myself, Im noticing more and more dysphoria, beit feelings I didnt notice before or things I did notice and found other explanations for. I know this is gonna get worse, but fuck it, I can actually recover from things now. Ill manage. Things aren't actually changing right now, I cant safely transition yet, but as I said, things also have changed.

So far this has primarily been a wider reflection on the past week but I do have something new to add. Ive noticed that, at times, I have felt like being masc is right, that having a deeper voice is right, etc. And I wondered, is it some kinda fluidity? NB? Its only certain situations, most of the time I do feel fem, so what's up with that?

And then I think about a show I'm watching right now, Gen V, and it all makes sense.

Jordan Li's powers aren't exactly clearly defined, but basically, they switch between a man and woman at will (Its not full shapeshifting, the power is binary), as well as having other general superpowers depending on which they are, making for some cool fight scenes. But outside of the fight scenes, the way the show explores which they choose is interesting (and the show DOES explicitly state what Im about to say.)

Its made clear that Jordan is more comfortable as a girl, which their parents hate. Theres a decent chunk of one episode clearly about "HES our little boy, what happened to HIM" while Jordan, originally a guy in this scene, switches infront of their parents to be more comfortable.

So why, outside of combat, do they choose to be masc?

They do it when they try to make a point. Appear authoratative and/or respectable. When interacting with people who they don't think would like them as a girl (e.g their girlfriend, Marie the protagonist, who isn't explicity bi, atleast not yet, and Jordan says they would rather be comfortable as a girl with Marie but they don't know if shes okay with it.)

And I can't help but think that makes TOTAL sense. I feel more masc at work when I want to appear strong, capable, and, dare I say it, "cool". When I'm talking to people I wish respected me more. When I'm with friends, people I know are allies and some queer, I feel more fem. I don't think I'm fluid, I think this I feel the same kinda way as Jordan.

The key takeaway from this for me is that genuinely, representation, especially in the most random places, is so good. Its interesting watching it with my parents because its a world where superpowers are very real, and this person CAN switch at will on every level. And they have to drop the "not a real man/woman" argument and struggle to find a different reason to hate what they see. The representation characters like Jordan provide says "Okay, if we play by your rules and portray what a """real man/ woman""" looks like, this is the REAL situations queer people face and the way they are treated. And you still agree with the people treating them that way. Your problem is NOT how much they are actually like their chosen gender." And its good being in something unexpected. My parents would not watch your standard kinda "queer media", yknow, stuff like heartstopper or whatever (idk, I dont either so idk what Im talking abt.) But putting good, well written rep in a spin off of a show where a dude in a trench coat shoves a bomb up an invisible dudes ass and he says cunt alot exposes them to things they would not otherwise be exposed to.

And thats only talking about the minimal effect this rep has on people who disagree with it. Much more important is the exposure for queer people who don't know it yet, or don't know how they feel, and it provides understanding, something to look at and say "thats me". Honestly, Im gettin a little tired of writing this rn, anything I could say about that aspect of representation has been said a million times already, So Ill leave it there.

So, to conclude, with the absolute hardest line ever said in a show, from Jordan Li:

"Tag team cocksplosion."

Okay maybe not the best choice.

[toxic-ship-tournament]

OK AT LAST THE PROMISED ESMERALICE RANT

OK SO... THEY BOTH ENDED UP DRUGGING EACH OTHER MULTIPLE TIMES, AS WELL AS KNOCKING EACH OTHER UNCONSCIOUS AND WHILE WHEN POOFENPLOTZ WAS DOING IT(PREBREAKUP) SHE MOSTLY DID IT AS A WAY TO CONVINCE ALICE SHE WAS ENJOYING THE PARTIES AND GROUP STUFF POOFENPLOTZ WAS BRINGING HER TO("I MEAN, DENY HOW YOU GOT SHITFACED DRUNK ALL YOU LIKE, I HAD TO CARRY YOU TO MY HOUSE."(SOMETHING WHICH IS ALSO SPECIFICALLY MEANT TO TICK OFF ALICE BASED ON HOW YOUNG ALICE INTERPRETS PERFECTION)) WHEREAS. ALICE(BOTH BACK THEN AND NOW) MOSTLY DID IT TO KIDNAP OR TAUNT HER. IN ADDITION, ALICE(CURRENT ASSUME ALL OF THIS STUFF IS CURRENT) MIND CONTROLS OR READS HER MIND DESPITE POOFENPLOTZ DOING EVERYTHING IN HER POWER TO BOTH TELL HER TO AND MAKE HER STOP THAT, AND USES THAT CONTROL AND INFORMATION TO BASICALLY BE REALLY PETTY AND DIG AT POOFENPLOTZ, ALTHOUGH SHE ALSO USES IT TO LIKE. TRY AND KILL THE CLOSEST THING SHE HAS TO AN ACCEPTING FAMILY BUT WE'LL GET INTO THAT LATER. ALSO OBLIGATORY "NONE OF THE DRUGGING OR MIND CONTROL GOES IN A NON/DUB-CON DIRECTION. POOFENPLOTZ WOULDN'T WANT TO DO SEX USUALLY ANYWAYS BUT ITS A DEFINITE NO WHEN SHE JUST DRUGGED HER PARTNER, AND ALICE HAS VERY SPECIFIC "RULES" ABOUT MAKING SURE PEOPLE AGREE TO WHAT SHE WANTS IN THEIR "RIGHT MIND" (INCREDIBLY VAGUE USUALLY BUT FOR POOFENPLOTZ IT BASICALLY MEANS "NOT DRUGGED DRUNK OR MIND CONTROLLED") SO"

ALSO ALICE AND POOFENPLOTZ BOTH GAVE EACH OTHER EATING DISORDERS. THAT'S ONLY KIND OF A SIMPLIFIED WAY OF PUTTING IT. ALICE MADE SURE POOFENPLOTZ HAD TO "KEEP UP APPEARANCES" AND POOFENPLOTZ MOCKED HER ABOUT IT ENOUGH THAT THEY BOTH KINDA ENDED UP SPIRALING. IRONICALLY, THIS IS THE ONE SITUATION WHERE ALICE RECOVERED BETTER THEN POOFENPLOTZ. MOSTLY BY PROCEEDING TO GO "ACTUALLY I DONT CARE ABOUT MY EX AT ALL" AND DENIALED SO HARD SHE MANIFESTED NOT CARING ABOUT THAT STUFF EITHER ANYMORE. SHE DID THEN USE POOFENPLOTZS TECHNIQUES WITH A HEALTHY DOSE OF ATTEMPTED CULT LEADER WISDOM TO GIVE OTHER PEOPLE EATING DISORDERS TO INCREASE HER CONTROL OVER THEM. SO.... YUP. ALICE ABSOLUTELY SNAPS AT POOFENPLOTZ ABOUT THE HORRIFIC DOUBLE STANDARD, BUT ITS WELL AFTER IT WOULD HAVE APPLIED AND WHEN ITS IN A SITUATION WHERE ALICE GOT TO HEAL AND POOFENPLOTZ STILL STRUGGLES WITH IT CONSTANTLY? OOF. (ALSO IM SORRY FOR THE JOKING TONE ON THIS I PROMISE I DO TAKE EATING DISORDERS AS SERIOUSLY AS POSSIBLE THEYRE JUST HARD FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT OTHERWISE BC. WELL I DONT NEED TO GIVE OUT PERSONAL INFORMATION LIKE THIS BUT I THINK IF YOU READ THIS BIT ITS OBVIOUS.)

THERES THE USUAL "MURDER FOR EACH OTHER, DEATH THREATS, SUICIDE THREATS, KIDNAPPING, COERCION, ETC" BETWEEN THEM BUT THOSE ARE MOSTLY BASIC STUFF AND IM RUNNING ON ZERO BRAINPOWER AND A LOTTA EXHAUSTION SO ILL SKIP ABOUT SEVEN MORE PARAGRAPHS RN AND GO TO THE FAMILY THING I PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED.

ESSENTIALLY(AT THIS POINT IN THE STORY) POOFENPLOTZS ENDED UP FINDING SOME SORT OF SOLIDARITY AND FAMILY WITHIN MILLIE AND PINKY, ALONG WITH A LITTLE BIT OF SUPPORT AND COMMUNITY W THE OTHER FIRESIDE GIRLS SO FAR. NOW, ALICE HAS A WHOLE THING OF REACHING PERFECTION THAT POOFENPLOTZ EGGED HER ON ABOUT, AND HER CURRENT STEP ON THAT ROAD REQUIRES HER TO BASICALLY KIDNAP MILLIE AND PINKY(PINKY ISNT NECESSARY SO MUCH AS SHE JUST WANTS TO EXPIRAMENT A BIT BUT THATS THE SAME AS NEEDING HIM TO HER), SO HAVING HER HALF EX HALF CURRENT GIRLFRIEND WHOS BEEN ROASTING HER ALIVE FOR ALL THE SHORTCOMINGS AND THINGS SHE CANT STAND ABOUT HERSELF, STANDING IN THE WAY OF THE TWO PEOPLE SHE NEEDS TO TAKE? POOFENPLOTZ IS GOOD AT FIGHTING BUT SHES NOT GONNA SURVIVE ALICE WITHOUT ANY WEAPONS. ALICE BASICALLY USES ALL OF POOFENPLOTZ'S INSECURITIES AND ISSUES RIGHT BACK AT HER, USING WHAT INFORMATION SHE GAINED BY NOT GIVING TWO SHITS ABOUT POOFENPLOTZS BOUNDARIES OR ANYTHING TO BASICALLY KILL HER *JAZZ HANDS*. ALSO KIDNAPPING THE TWO PEOPLE SHE ACTUALLY HAD WHILE SHE BLEEDS OUT ON THE FLOOR. IT ALL ENDS UP FINE NECROMANCY/HJ BUT LIKW. YEAH.

I PROMISE THIS IS A COHERENT NOT GRIMDARK EVERYONE ENDS UP HAPPY IN CHARACTER PHINEAS AND FERB AU. AM VERY EXHAUSTED SORRY IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. THEY'RE BASICALLY THE DEFINITION OF THIS POST

.

[compassionatereminders]

Hi sorry for the long ask. i think i might have depression or something. I just feel like im always looking at people through some kind of mask, idk. Like i dont fit in anywhere. And sure at work that might just be normal for me bc ive always been a bit different than everyone else but i also feel like i have to pretend to be someone im not even with my best friend. Im just very low on energy all the time. I used to like art i think? I dont even remember if i actually liked it or just pretend i like it. Right now i feel like ive just been saying i like art because it's always been like that but do i really still like it? I sometimes dont draw for months. I feel like im not good enough at work, im a graphic designer but im not creative at all and im being compared to my coworker by my boss and it sucks. I just started my job 2 months ago but i already want to quit but i dont know what else i want to do. The only thing im maybe a bit decent and interested in is design and art even though i dont know if i even like it or if i just pretended to like it for too long that i dont know the difference anymore. On top of this my dad is sick and its incurable and he's literally gonna die soon and he's too young to die.

I just feel like something is wrong with me, at this point im hoping something is wrong with me so it can be fixed. I dont want this to just be my personality. But i dont really want to seek professional help because i dont want my mom to worry. There's so much going on for her already, im the person she depends on the most right now and i dont want to make this more difficult. And of course i also feel like its not bad enough to really count as any mental illness or something. I mean it's not that bad, it might just the the winter season that's making me sadder than usual. And the entire situation im in. And also the fact that i just dont know what i want regarding my job. So its not that weird that im low on energy and i dont want to draw something for my friend that he asked for even though i have 4 days in the week i dont have to work. But i dont draw on those days, i only watch series all day. In the morning i lie down on the couch and in the evening i get up to go back to bed and that was my entire day yesterday and Wednesday. Just no motivation to do anything fun other than this.

You dont have to diagnose me or anything but any personal thoughts on this?

Btw i started following your blog because somewhere last year when i could feel myself just needing some encouragement and positivity. The posts really did cheer me up a little for a while.

While I won't try to diagnose you, it does sound like you are genuinely struggling - and even if this does not qualify as mental illness, that should not prevent you from seeking help and answers. Because the earlier you reach out for support, the better are your odds of avoiding a severe mental health episode. And it's better to worry your mom a bit to get better than to bottle all of this up until it reaches the point of no return. Because you're right that something is going on here. And even if you aren't mentally ill, losing a parent is by itself a major life crisis and a very good reason to seek out therapy and support

[starwell-tarot]

hello darling!!! 🐿️🐢

hope your gloomy day still went pretty well, tell me about it!

some advice i can concentrate better on - as a mentionned yesterday it is definitly true that i like challenge and i got motivated by the idea of trying to find a way to make concentrating in class smth stimulating for my brain ofc i still need to find ways to it right but its a really charming idea to me! i also need to focus at home and get work done there to be able to concentrate better in class so its a whole process that im ready to try out with the method your proposed to me

motivation - feeding my soul, how poetic wow it is true that im very lucky to study what im studying rn and its actually stuff that are useful in life and if i dont find it interesting then maybe it can still be informations that i can share with others right? there is an enormous amount of material in every law classes so i wont be able to memorize everything but your advice made me see things differently and i actually want to try to remember most of it on the LONG TERM and not only for exams! once again it is an advice that really speaks to me and that i will think about when studying

balance - i actually LOVE lists/ plannings/ etc like writing everything i want to do for the day and packing my schedule with many different stuff like seeing many friends, doing productive stuff for school, doing my hobbies it really helps me see how i spend my time and share out the different things i do (so i dont do the same thing over and over again) and i cant believe i FORGOT about it like i actually stopped doing it and i forgot i am so grateful for this advice

relationships - my friends often complain that i dont share intimate things with them like my daily problems and all but i actually just dont see what they could do about it? anyway i still struggle with these things i'll try to question myself more often to see whats the right thing to do for everyone when im in a bad spot like you adviced

avoid stress - im really not good at dealing with negative emotions lmaooo its also gonna be a challenging point i'll try to believe as much as i can that stress is not an end its just a signal just like you said once again thank you for your works i'll try my best

self care - its so beautiful! i live in the city so im not that much in contact with nature but its true that whenever i go help my grandmother in the countryside it feels refreshing i just need more time to do so! now that i know its smth that could help me i'll keep that in mind and prioritize doing in these situations! im a taurus after all! even tho earth is only my third dominant element im an earth sign lmao

words of encouragement - everyone seems to be wrong about everything its crazy ajkdhdbnzev i really should be more humble its a problem but anyway yes even tho i think some people are stupid deep down i'll still take their opinion into consideration just in case when in fact i shouldnt with your advice i'll try to accept that sometimes peoples advices just arent for me and maybe they'll help someone but its not my case! thanks

daydreaming - yes in my experience heavy daydreaming has been because STRESS, bored in my life and obligations i have that i dont want to do the problem is that it really put me in problematic positions everything comes down to stress at the end so if i understand how to deal with my stress i wont feel the need to escape like this :/ i'll definitily think about your advice and when i notice im starting to daydream heavily ill try to ask myself why and to resolve the issue

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR READING!!!!! everything really spoke to me and ill make sure to apply it well in my life from now on i'll think about your kind words and do my best!

Hello! My gloomy day was comfy 😁

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lengthy feedback 🖤 it means a lot and it's very helpful.

I'm also glad to hear you're enjoying the perspectives and ideas the cards gave 🤔

I went on a whim with the challenge thing and then I was like ... Wait a sec .. didn't they say they have Aries placements? It just clicked at that point. I knew i was right on the money 😂

I was so taken aback by that high priestess card. Truth be told I too had the same mentality in high school! I studied just to know things. To grow wiser as an individual. (Went to a science college (it's a high school despite the name)) So I can kinda see it! Law is very very broad of a subject and there's a lot to study. But it's also so so useful in life! I actually had some law students save my ass when I had a very bad boss at a workplace once they helped me with the contract lol So yeah i definitely think you can become very wise as a law student!

Glad I can help you get back to your lists, too! And uhm, I don't think any human is ever GOOD at dealing with negative emotions. I mean, they're meant to make us uncomfortable ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But being gentle and understanding and honest with yourself does make it better!

And I mean yes I see your point. Maybe your friends will not be able to DO anything about your problems but here's the thing. Keeping things hidden creates more stress in the human mind. It's like an extra layer. It's not just "I'm frustrated and confused" It's "I'm frustrated, confused, and keeping it to myself." If you talk to someone, it gets easier 😁 Plus, talking about what goes on inside your mind can actually put you on the spot in such a way you unconsciously organize your thoughts and find the answers yourself. (Like those scenes in movies when a character goes to rant to another one and they literally spend the entire time talking to themselves, giving themselves advice and thanking the other person although they did absolutely nothing 😂)

Literally when I was doing your reading i had "Go touch some grass, bro." In my head 😂 But yes, as an earth sign you probably could feel so much more grounded and peaceful if you interact with nature. 😁

And just wanted to remind you I answered your ask about the double interpretation tarot reading and you can send it to me anytime!