#id rather have too many weird tw tags than not enough

[systems-overloaded]

i dont normally talk about disability stuff here i dont think, but i actually want to right now, and its relevant to me as a whole, so whatever.

(im not being specific about dx though, parts are scared somehow that could identify us, because not all conditions are common.)

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had an apptmnt the other day, i think yesterday? it was within this week for sure.

i thought i was there for a new wheelchair evaluation, but apparently these are the people who had to refer me to the people who do the evaluations and order you the wheelchairs.

a bit discouraged, because i was anticipating this being particularly a wheelchair evaluation, not just a dr whos going to document the need for a wheelchair evaluation (which. ive needed my powerchair inside my own home for 6+ years now, and my conditions only gotten worse. im absolutely overdue for another chair. there shouldnt be even more steps then there already are.)

at the apptmnt though, i honestly thought i did a good job masking. i was able to talk enough to answer questions, but thankfully my mom was there and said upfront that i have trouble sometimes with speech, that its very tiring for me. so i was able to just kinda point to her and say "too many words" and shed said some of my medical histories for me. but i answered all the questions about my relevant symptoms and pain types/levels, etc. i definitely stumbled and fumbled some words, but i thought it was "within normal speech", just maybe "tired person speech".

but when i looked at the drs notes today, under "psych" they put "flat effect". i mean... i know i have a flat effect, some alters are definitely more expressive naturally, but there are many who are just hardcore masking all the time. i struggle with even trying to mask and make those expressions (the ones others within do). but like... i thought i did a good enough job? i thought i smiled some or made some expressions? i dont think drs have ever added that before in our charts.

idk, maybe this is just from unmasking, or because im different from the parts that used to be fronting at those appointments? im not sure.

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and im... a bit scared to be honest. for some reason every couple years, especially around autumn, the subsystems that are the main fronters, change. and although ive been fronting for most our lives, i dont think ive ever been out this much, in such a sort amount of time.

am i (and the others i have better communication with) just the new fronters? does that mean, since we all struggle to talk alot in varying degrees, and struggle to mask or create expressions, that were now going to be even more visibly autistic? visibly /vulnerable/? (like, yeah i use a power chair all the time, but i dont view that as vulnerable. i dont think it makes ppl see me as a potential target.) being visibly autistic, being visibly someone who'll rely on AAC (even when just part time, or when i can technically get some words out), and also being visibly queer at certain times, ooph... ooph. ahhhh thats ummmmm a bit scary.

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back to the appointment though. ultimately, they documented what was shared well in the notes. there was absolutely a miscommunication, they said i used my rollator in the house occasionally (id shared that i own a rollator, and had used it in the past. prior to needing my powerchair, so there mustve been a miscommunication with how i worded my response, or their interpretations). and i think some confusion initially about my conditions (since theyre used to seeing like spinal cord injuries, or people with strokes pretty much exclusively), but in the end they said i need my powerchair to complete my ADLs and that ill need the features of tilt, relcine, leg elevation, and custom positioning seating, and they specified well for which conditions i need them for. they covered all the info needed for insurance to approve those features. so i dont think imma go through the hassle of asking them to correct it.

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im sending hopes and wishes towards the universe, for all things to go smoothly. for everything to get covered easily and for all the things that will improve my quality of life, improve my capacity for independence, to lessen my pain, and all me to be more functional even just within my home.

any well thoughts towards this is appreciated. (well thoughts and wishes, not prayers)