#tw vulnerability mentions

[systems-overloaded]

i dont normally talk about disability stuff here i dont think, but i actually want to right now, and its relevant to me as a whole, so whatever.

(im not being specific about dx though, parts are scared somehow that could identify us, because not all conditions are common.)

~~~~

had an apptmnt the other day, i think yesterday? it was within this week for sure.

i thought i was there for a new wheelchair evaluation, but apparently these are the people who had to refer me to the people who do the evaluations and order you the wheelchairs.

a bit discouraged, because i was anticipating this being particularly a wheelchair evaluation, not just a dr whos going to document the need for a wheelchair evaluation (which. ive needed my powerchair inside my own home for 6+ years now, and my conditions only gotten worse. im absolutely overdue for another chair. there shouldnt be even more steps then there already are.)

at the apptmnt though, i honestly thought i did a good job masking. i was able to talk enough to answer questions, but thankfully my mom was there and said upfront that i have trouble sometimes with speech, that its very tiring for me. so i was able to just kinda point to her and say "too many words" and shed said some of my medical histories for me. but i answered all the questions about my relevant symptoms and pain types/levels, etc. i definitely stumbled and fumbled some words, but i thought it was "within normal speech", just maybe "tired person speech".

but when i looked at the drs notes today, under "psych" they put "flat effect". i mean... i know i have a flat effect, some alters are definitely more expressive naturally, but there are many who are just hardcore masking all the time. i struggle with even trying to mask and make those expressions (the ones others within do). but like... i thought i did a good enough job? i thought i smiled some or made some expressions? i dont think drs have ever added that before in our charts.

idk, maybe this is just from unmasking, or because im different from the parts that used to be fronting at those appointments? im not sure.

~~~~~

and im... a bit scared to be honest. for some reason every couple years, especially around autumn, the subsystems that are the main fronters, change. and although ive been fronting for most our lives, i dont think ive ever been out this much, in such a sort amount of time.

am i (and the others i have better communication with) just the new fronters? does that mean, since we all struggle to talk alot in varying degrees, and struggle to mask or create expressions, that were now going to be even more visibly autistic? visibly /vulnerable/? (like, yeah i use a power chair all the time, but i dont view that as vulnerable. i dont think it makes ppl see me as a potential target.) being visibly autistic, being visibly someone who'll rely on AAC (even when just part time, or when i can technically get some words out), and also being visibly queer at certain times, ooph... ooph. ahhhh thats ummmmm a bit scary.

~~~~~~~~

back to the appointment though. ultimately, they documented what was shared well in the notes. there was absolutely a miscommunication, they said i used my rollator in the house occasionally (id shared that i own a rollator, and had used it in the past. prior to needing my powerchair, so there mustve been a miscommunication with how i worded my response, or their interpretations). and i think some confusion initially about my conditions (since theyre used to seeing like spinal cord injuries, or people with strokes pretty much exclusively), but in the end they said i need my powerchair to complete my ADLs and that ill need the features of tilt, relcine, leg elevation, and custom positioning seating, and they specified well for which conditions i need them for. they covered all the info needed for insurance to approve those features. so i dont think imma go through the hassle of asking them to correct it.

~~~~~

im sending hopes and wishes towards the universe, for all things to go smoothly. for everything to get covered easily and for all the things that will improve my quality of life, improve my capacity for independence, to lessen my pain, and all me to be more functional even just within my home.

any well thoughts towards this is appreciated. (well thoughts and wishes, not prayers)

[dogd0m-charlie]

omg guys you're never gonna believe what i just found out recently.. turns out having sex is a lot more fun and enjoyable when you don't approach it with the expectation that the other person intends on taking advantage of you and making you uncomfortable at any possible opportunity they're given and it's your job to make sure you don't give them one. who would've thought

[uncanny-tranny]

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Transcript:

If you hate your body, do not achieve the body you want out of hate.

I know what you're thinking: starve yourself, run yourself into the ground, faster cardio, no carbs, no sugar.

You're reaching a perceived level of health at the expense of your actual health. If you expedite the process without doing the internal work, you're fucked. Now, I know there's some people who are finally happy and, uh, thinner body and I'm not talking to you, okay? Please, separate yourself from the equation and listen to what I'm saying.

It is so much more rewarding if you just improve your lifestyle. I just got my 10,000 steps on this beautiful day. I didn't do it to burn calories, I did it because I get to. I'm gonna go train legs now, I fucking love squatting and deadlifting! I love being strong! I have more time today, so I'm gonna take my time to cook a delicious, nutritious lunch. I'm not grinding, I'm not fasting, I'm not just having protein. I'm not doing burpees in-between my sets.

When you do this from an extreme standpoint, you're abandoning your quality of life. Therefore, you'll be more resentful. And because you're so resentful, you'll constantly be looking for validation, and it will never be good enough, and you'll be chasing a body that's impossible to reach 'cause your standards are too high. Just chase health! It's so much more rewarding, and you don't have to answer to fucking anybody!

[kdramamilfs]

"I got these scars when I was tortured in Manchuria. When I first took off my clothes in front of the Deputy, I told him they were self-inflicted, and he loved it. Sick pervert ... But his perversion made it easier for me to serve my country."

PHANTOM | 유령 (2023) dir. Lee Hae-young

[six-of-cringe]

The "ohhhh fuck dolphins, dolphins are evil they kill and rape, ohh otters are evil they rape seal babies, not so cute now are they" people are like the children who would smugly tell anyone who would listen that ring around the rosie is about people dying of the plague. Like ok. Do I need to explain how high intelligence correlates with complex behavior or can you shut the fuck up on your own

[wildflowercryptid]

sometimes, i think about the extra bit of depth alex's romance is given when you date him as a guy and i just gotta. stare at the ceiling for a bit...

[anonymouspuzzler]

catching feelings, part 2 (part 1)

[Image IDs/transcripts under the cut!]

A seven-page, black-and-white Psychonauts fancomic based on Puzz's "Cally O'Pia" AU.

PAGE 1: There are three square panels, of increasing size, arranged diagonally from the top left of the page. Cally O'Pia (an AU version of Loboto), is asleep on his stomach on a simple futon mattress. He is wearing a sleeveless sweater, flower-patterned pants, large round glasses like his childhood self, and shaggy shoulder-length hair with a flower tucked over his right ear. The panels show him gradually waking up and sitting up.

PAGE 2: There are six panels, the first of which is a full-page spread, showing Cal is stepping off of a ladder propped against the wall. In the background is a couch, several bottles and cans scattered on the floor, decorative wall drapery and a wall-mounted shelf displaying several books and a teddy bear. The second panel shows Cal walking into the kitchen to find Oleander hunched over the counter, eating a piece of toast, looking surprised to see Cal. There is a plate with toast and scrambled eggs in front of him, and off to the side is a cup of coffee in a mug with a fish decoration. The rest of the panels show Oleander, looking somewhat anxious. PANEL 3: (Oleander wipes his face with one arm) "Uh. Hey. Morning. Sorry for using your kitchen." PANEL 4: (Oleander glances off to the side grimacing, rubbing his arm anxiously) "I was, uh. Super hungover. So I made like. Coffee and eggs and stuff." PANEL 5: (Beat. Oleander, still rubbing his arm, glances in Cal's direction.) PANEL 6: (Oleander rubs the back of his head anxiously, glancing away) "Do you. Want some." (Cal, in the foreground, grins back) "Yea sure"

PAGE 3: There are two panels, arranged diagonally from the top left and slightly overlapping. The first shows two plates of scrambled eggs and toast, and two steaming coffee mugs, with Cal and Oleander's hands each holding one. The second shows them both leaning against the counter sipping coffee - Oleander in front with the fish mug, blushing and looking off to the side; Cal, smiling, off to the right side, with a rounded mug with a wavy brim, patterned with flowers and a bee. There is a mostly-empty plate next to Oleander, and one next to Cal that still has a pile of eggs and a slice of toast.

PAGE 4: There are eight panels arranged in two rows, paired into groups of two panels cutting between Oleander and Cal speaking. Oleander: (lowering his coffee mug, blushing and glancing off to the side) "So. Uh. I've been thinking." Cal: (grinning and raising an eyebrow, lowering his coffee mug) "No kidding? That's a new one for you. Somethin' specific or just practicing?" Oleander: (grimacing and placing his right hand on his face) "Very funny, jackass. ...I was... I was thinkin' about, uh. About last night." Cal: (looking surprised, blushing and sweating with a shaky grin) "Oh." Oleander: (dragging his hand down his face, looking nervous) "Yeah. It's- ...yeah. I mean... I know we were just really drunk, but I..." Cal: (folding his hands in front of him and leaning forward with a lovestruck look, hearts floating around him) "Uh-huh?" Oleander: (close-up on his face, biting his lip, blushing, running his hand back to rub the back of his head) "I... do you think that we... I mean... can we..." (close-up on Cal looking lovestruck, biting his lip, blushing and sweating, with hearts all around him.)

PAGE 5: There are two panels, one of which is a full-page spread taking up the majority of the page. There are two large word bubbles from an offscreen Oleander, reading: "Can we forget the whole thing. Just like- pretend nothing happened and act totally normal." The background behind Cal is black with a shattering effect, with a large broken heart next to him; he is sitting with a tight, closed-mouth smile, looking visibly taken aback. The second panel is small in the bottom right, showing Cal, looking deflated, with his arms folded on the counter and a shaky, forced grin, saying: "Yeah. Sure thing".

PAGE 6: There are four panels, the first of which is a full-page spread showing Oleander and Cal standing in the living room. There is a couch behind them with a throw blanket over the back, decorative drapery, beads and photos on the wall, and several bottles and cans littering the floor around them. Oleander pulls on his jacket, staring at the litter, while Cal stands next to him, visibly tense, holding one arm and grinning tightly. Oleander: "Geez. Uh. Are you sure you don't want help cleaning up?" Cal: "NOPE ALL GOOD HERE" Oleander: "All right. See you at work?" Cal: "UH HUH". The second panel shows the outside of Cal's house, with rough vertical wood paneling, an open doorway with decorative drapery and beads, and a long horizontal window to the left. Oleander is walking off into the foreground, looking back over his shoulder to wave goodbye to Cal, who is leaning against the doorway with a grin and waving back. The third panel shows him continuing to stand there, arms folded and expression tight, after Oleander has gone, and the fourth shows him having collapsed face-down on the ground.

PAGE 7: There is a single drawing of Oleander walking, swinging his arms wildly, on an otherwise empty page. He is staring down at the ground with an anxious expression and shaky grin, blushing furiously. There are hearts all around him, and he thinks: "God damn it."

[fatuifucker]

tw SA mention

tbh i would rather have minors read my work rather than those coquette smut blogs (not targeting anyone specifically, just in general) that write really ooc drabbles and topics that are basically SA. sometimes it's even blatant SA it's wild that you'd have the reader basically crying and begging the character to stop but the post's theme is just (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)

[boywifesammy]

i think sam and dean’s relationship with sex in the early seasons is so interesting because it’s so vastly different yet both indicative of abuse.

dean sees his body as an object; a weapon, a tool. he has no say in his own life. he thinks he’s just alive to serve his purpose. he buzzes his hair military short and dresses just like his father to gain his approval, while john always treated dean as a means to an end. he was told to take care of sammy, and dragged along to hunts, and given orders like he was nothing but a robot. if sam got hurt, it was his fault. if he got hurt, he wasn’t fast enough. he’s taught to put himself in harms way constantly, that his body is worth nothing, that a few more scars mean nothing if he obeys his order. daddy’s blunt little instrument indeed.

dean is comfortable in his own body because he doesn’t place value on his own life. it’s why he’s so nonchalant about sex. he’s using his body to make himself feel good, and make others feel good, so he doesn’t see the problem. sam teases him about being a horndog but dean genuinely doesn’t care about what happens to him. it’s not just with sex. he constantly sacrifices himself, he’ll put himself in harms way instantly if it means saving someone he loves. he complains about his physical appearance but never once hesitates to disfigure it if it means someone else will be saved the misfortune.

sam, on the other hand, has a different understanding of his body. he doesn’t fit inside of it. his entire life, he’s been the odd one out, the wrong one, the one who just couldn’t conform. he fights with his father about hunting. he has demon blood in him. he’s lucifer’s vessel. he’s an abomination, he’s damned, his very flesh and blood is something rotten. he doesn’t see any purpose in his existence so he tries to find value in his body, because he doesn’t think there’s anything of value in his soul.

this isn’t even mentioning sam’s past with manipulation. both dean and john most definitely manipulated sam in the past, even if it was from a place of good will to keep him safe. john lied about mary’s deal his entire life. dean keeps plenty of secrets, like the demon deal and john’s last words, under the guise that it would hurt sam. sam’s entire life was a lie, all a buildup to the apocalypse. the first woman he ever loved died on the ceiling just like his mother, and he was convinced it was his fault both times. sam has been taught that he hurts everyone he loves. that’s he’s intrinsically dangerous and he curses the people close to him to suffering, or death, or worse.

sam has a difficult relationship with sex because he’s scared. scared to trust someone with something so intimate and scared that he’ll infect them with whatever awful thing is inside of him. this is why ruby’s arc is so heartbreaking. dean can immediately recognize that sam is being taken advantage of. he has a very black and white understanding of who is good and trustworthy vs who is evil and a monster. sam, on the other hand, knows that it isn’t so cut and dry. he still loves dean, even though he isn’t always the best to him. he still cares for his dad, even if he wants sam dead. he still wants to believe in a higher power, even though he’s cursed. so of course sam trusted ruby. he’s an abuse victim. he’s vulnerable. he was at his wits end, and ruby took that to her advantage. she victim blamed him. gaslit him. took advantage of his need for emotional intimacy and sexually assaulted him.

dean can’t understand sam’s aversion to sex because he sees it as a purely materialistic thing, and his body a mere object. his relationship with romance is so horribly warped. dean doesn’t care about being taken advantage of, because his whole life his father’s taken advantage of his obedience. he’s just a means to end. it doesn’t matter what happens to his body, because he doesn’t matter anyway.

sam can’t understand dean’s hypersexuality because he’s hyperfixated on having control of himself. he desperately wants to regain some sense of ownership of his body. he hates intimacy because it opens him up to vulnerability. to him, his body is diseased, and it’s a danger to anyone who he’s intimate with.

dean sees sex as self-hating pleasure, a way to be useful. sam sees sex as self-hating punishment. in a certain way, they’re more similar than the show makes them out to be.

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

“adora didn't care about the horde abusing catra, she only cared about strangers.”

let me raise you another point: catra didn't tell adora that the horde was evil, despite knowing about it from the start.

seriously. if anything, shouldn't she be the one protecting adora? she knew the horde was lying to them and brainwashing them. she hated shadow weaver and she didn't seem to particularly care about hordak. and according to what the show wants to convince us, “catra's love for adora was bigger than her quest for power”.

why didn't she just.. tell adora then? from the way adora talked about the horde, it was clear that she had no idea it was evil. did catra never think to tell her about it or suggest that they escape the horde?

why is all the responsibility placed on adora, who only figured out that the horde was evil after spending 17 years in it? adora was abused too. and catra knows it, she specifically says “shadow weaver has been messing with our heads since we were kids”.

keyword here: our. we.

catra could have said “she's been manipulating me” or “she's been hurting me”. but no. she knows that shadow weaver wasn't a good parent to adora either, as much as she denies it afterwards.

i'm not saying that catra is responsible for adora getting abused by shadow weaver. but if anyone should be protecting the other here, it should have been catra since she's the one who saw through all the lies. but she doesn't mention it at all until adora figures it out and even then, mocks adora for not realizing it sooner.

[alltimefail-sims]

I have been trying to word this more eloquently but UGH I'm honestly exhausted so long story short my grandma passed away yesterday. I won't be posting any sims-related content for at least a week, but I'll be back to posting as soon as I can.

I'll still be reblogging stuff on my main blog (@alltimefail) and I'll try to respond to direct messages when I can, but please don't be offended/worried if you don't hear back from me for at least a week. I'm still in the processing stage, it's going to be a minute before I'm ready to be social and make original posts.

Thanks <3

[rosemaries-shroom]

If you voted 3rd party or didn't vote at all (if you legally could that is)

Fucking block me. You're just as responsible for the shit that's happening as every fuck who voted for that racist, sexist, homophobic piece of shit.

15 million of you chose not to show up. *15 million*

"Oh your vote won't matter" what would 15 fucking million votes have done? How could 15 million people decide that they're willing to condem every minority in this country to suffering because "neither option was good"

ONE OF THE OPTIONS WAS LITERALLY A RAPIST AND CONVICTED FELON BUT OKAY SURE, THEYRE BOTH EQUALLY BAD

Fuck all of you, our blood will be on your hands too

[withoutalice]

ok i'm still too shy and scared to share my WIP fort max fic so here's some kinda unrelated thoughts instead sry-

Rachet would warn Max to go to the med bay for emergence when the sparking is first discovered. He promises he will, but later on he ends up getting caught up in something and can't make it to the med bay.

Max likely gets stuck in his makeshift nest in his habsuite (he made it a few months back when the carrier protocols got really strong). He can't get the strength to make it to the med bay because of the amount of mutilation he's brought upon himself in the past trimester. He panics because he didn't expect the sparkling to come so soon. he thought he still had a couple weeks left-

Anyway, he starts going into labour. he situates a pillow beneath the small of his back, legs high in the air to relieve pressure. Max definitely cries a lot (...because of other things not just the physical pain) not too loud though throughout the whole process except when a few of those strong contractions near the end get really intense.

It takes about 20-28 hours before his sparkling finally emerges. No one checked in on him the whole time. In fact, most of the ship had been ignoring him ever since the news of his carrying was leaked. It was agonizing, but Max understood. Or, he pretended he did.

Why wouldn't the medics check in on him regularly? They knew it was close to the estimated emergence date... Was he supposed to know what to do in the last month of his carrying cycle? No one had explained anything, no one had birthed a sparking in ages either.

When he looks down at the bab, it's grey and mushy looking with some obvious biolights. He scoops it up with the last of his energy and kindles that carrier's bond, forcing himself to stay awake and provide the nutrients needed.

But after those 20 or so hours, the larger bab finally breaches, and his frame naturally knows what to do, what protocols to run. He pushes and pushes, rich energon staining his nest's pillows and blankets, rocking back and forth on his servos and knees. Crying and gasping for relief. Luckily the sparking is out without any difficulties and without getting stuck. It feel with a wet squelch and plop! when it hit the soaked fabric below.

Slowly, the sparkling's mesh and metal start to harden and take a more characteristic shape (as expected, and on time for what the average definition time in new born sparkling development is). optics spiral open, unseeing but bright. red. orange biolights zigzag across the new temporary frame. the rest of it's body is dark grey.

nothing is really obvious about it's appearance.

yet.

he really hopes it doesn't take after [______]...

[uncanny-tranny]

In discussions about mental health, I am so tired of the only voices mattering being other people or other people who do not deal with a condition/disorder or a specific situation.

"Here's how I deal with loved ones with [x] condition!"

"If you do [y] because of [x mental health reason], you're selfish and everybody who loves you is having their lives made harder by you!"

"If your symptoms are [z], you're gross, and you deserve no sympathy for struggling"

I understand to an extent why people do this, but holy hell, as somebody who struggles and struggles often, the last thing any of us need to be told is that we're a burden that others have to carry. And it's terrible how everybody else's feelings but ours matter - even if we are the ones most affected by our condition or situation.

If you are dealing with issues surrounding your mental health and well-being, know that everything above isn't true; you are worthy of patience, understanding, kindness, and love. You are worthy of being listened to without judgment. You don't have to apologize or "make up" for who you are or what you struggle with.

[sleep-deprived-luka]

Yeah I certainly need to read the event twice

idk if I can draw Mizuki5 related art though, I still don't feel like making human art and the nonhuman art I could do atm feels cruel and invasive

[gold-snek-hoe]

Marak Sixfinger's dick saved my life in 2020 because when I was super depressed and hating my body I wrote a love scene between him and I, where he basically went "if you think you're so hideous, you must find me appalling"

And I was like "...but I love your body"

And we had emotional sex about it.

Did it STOP my downward spiral that ultimately ended with hospitalization and a Zoloft prescription? No.

Did it buy me a few more weeks before I seriously attempted suicide, when I was absolutely NOT ready for the hospital? Abso-fucking-lutely.

I can reasonably say this goblin has been part of my mental health recovery. He bought me some precious time, kept me from self harming more.

Now, I am in NO WAY saying goblin cock is a replacement for mental health treatment. I'm saying he was a goddamn life preserver when I needed help but didn't know how to reach out. In fact, I wrote the scene because I'd had four years of therapy under my belt and it was taken from self-soothing techniques I learned in DBT.

Ultimately, of course, I saved my own life by coming clean to my managers about my attempt and getting hospitalized. And I'm proud of myself for that.

But Marak helped. And I thank him for it.