#tw vulnerability mentions

[systems-overloaded]

i dont normally talk about disability stuff here i dont think, but i actually want to right now, and its relevant to me as a whole, so whatever.

(im not being specific about dx though, parts are scared somehow that could identify us, because not all conditions are common.)

~~~~

had an apptmnt the other day, i think yesterday? it was within this week for sure.

i thought i was there for a new wheelchair evaluation, but apparently these are the people who had to refer me to the people who do the evaluations and order you the wheelchairs.

a bit discouraged, because i was anticipating this being particularly a wheelchair evaluation, not just a dr whos going to document the need for a wheelchair evaluation (which. ive needed my powerchair inside my own home for 6+ years now, and my conditions only gotten worse. im absolutely overdue for another chair. there shouldnt be even more steps then there already are.)

at the apptmnt though, i honestly thought i did a good job masking. i was able to talk enough to answer questions, but thankfully my mom was there and said upfront that i have trouble sometimes with speech, that its very tiring for me. so i was able to just kinda point to her and say "too many words" and shed said some of my medical histories for me. but i answered all the questions about my relevant symptoms and pain types/levels, etc. i definitely stumbled and fumbled some words, but i thought it was "within normal speech", just maybe "tired person speech".

but when i looked at the drs notes today, under "psych" they put "flat effect". i mean... i know i have a flat effect, some alters are definitely more expressive naturally, but there are many who are just hardcore masking all the time. i struggle with even trying to mask and make those expressions (the ones others within do). but like... i thought i did a good enough job? i thought i smiled some or made some expressions? i dont think drs have ever added that before in our charts.

idk, maybe this is just from unmasking, or because im different from the parts that used to be fronting at those appointments? im not sure.

~~~~~

and im... a bit scared to be honest. for some reason every couple years, especially around autumn, the subsystems that are the main fronters, change. and although ive been fronting for most our lives, i dont think ive ever been out this much, in such a sort amount of time.

am i (and the others i have better communication with) just the new fronters? does that mean, since we all struggle to talk alot in varying degrees, and struggle to mask or create expressions, that were now going to be even more visibly autistic? visibly /vulnerable/? (like, yeah i use a power chair all the time, but i dont view that as vulnerable. i dont think it makes ppl see me as a potential target.) being visibly autistic, being visibly someone who'll rely on AAC (even when just part time, or when i can technically get some words out), and also being visibly queer at certain times, ooph... ooph. ahhhh thats ummmmm a bit scary.

~~~~~~~~

back to the appointment though. ultimately, they documented what was shared well in the notes. there was absolutely a miscommunication, they said i used my rollator in the house occasionally (id shared that i own a rollator, and had used it in the past. prior to needing my powerchair, so there mustve been a miscommunication with how i worded my response, or their interpretations). and i think some confusion initially about my conditions (since theyre used to seeing like spinal cord injuries, or people with strokes pretty much exclusively), but in the end they said i need my powerchair to complete my ADLs and that ill need the features of tilt, relcine, leg elevation, and custom positioning seating, and they specified well for which conditions i need them for. they covered all the info needed for insurance to approve those features. so i dont think imma go through the hassle of asking them to correct it.

~~~~~

im sending hopes and wishes towards the universe, for all things to go smoothly. for everything to get covered easily and for all the things that will improve my quality of life, improve my capacity for independence, to lessen my pain, and all me to be more functional even just within my home.

any well thoughts towards this is appreciated. (well thoughts and wishes, not prayers)

[uncanny-tranny]

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Transcript:

If you hate your body, do not achieve the body you want out of hate.

I know what you're thinking: starve yourself, run yourself into the ground, faster cardio, no carbs, no sugar.

You're reaching a perceived level of health at the expense of your actual health. If you expedite the process without doing the internal work, you're fucked. Now, I know there's some people who are finally happy and, uh, thinner body and I'm not talking to you, okay? Please, separate yourself from the equation and listen to what I'm saying.

It is so much more rewarding if you just improve your lifestyle. I just got my 10,000 steps on this beautiful day. I didn't do it to burn calories, I did it because I get to. I'm gonna go train legs now, I fucking love squatting and deadlifting! I love being strong! I have more time today, so I'm gonna take my time to cook a delicious, nutritious lunch. I'm not grinding, I'm not fasting, I'm not just having protein. I'm not doing burpees in-between my sets.

When you do this from an extreme standpoint, you're abandoning your quality of life. Therefore, you'll be more resentful. And because you're so resentful, you'll constantly be looking for validation, and it will never be good enough, and you'll be chasing a body that's impossible to reach 'cause your standards are too high. Just chase health! It's so much more rewarding, and you don't have to answer to fucking anybody!

[six-of-cringe]

The "ohhhh fuck dolphins, dolphins are evil they kill and rape, ohh otters are evil they rape seal babies, not so cute now are they" people are like the children who would smugly tell anyone who would listen that ring around the rosie is about people dying of the plague. Like ok. Do I need to explain how high intelligence correlates with complex behavior or can you shut the fuck up on your own

[wildflowercryptid]

sometimes, i think about the extra bit of depth alex's romance is given when you date him as a guy and i just gotta. stare at the ceiling for a bit...

[fatuifucker]

tw SA mention

tbh i would rather have minors read my work rather than those coquette smut blogs (not targeting anyone specifically, just in general) that write really ooc drabbles and topics that are basically SA. sometimes it's even blatant SA it's wild that you'd have the reader basically crying and begging the character to stop but the post's theme is just (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

“adora didn't care about the horde abusing catra, she only cared about strangers.”

let me raise you another point: catra didn't tell adora that the horde was evil, despite knowing about it from the start.

seriously. if anything, shouldn't she be the one protecting adora? she knew the horde was lying to them and brainwashing them. she hated shadow weaver and she didn't seem to particularly care about hordak. and according to what the show wants to convince us, “catra's love for adora was bigger than her quest for power”.

why didn't she just.. tell adora then? from the way adora talked about the horde, it was clear that she had no idea it was evil. did catra never think to tell her about it or suggest that they escape the horde?

why is all the responsibility placed on adora, who only figured out that the horde was evil after spending 17 years in it? adora was abused too. and catra knows it, she specifically says “shadow weaver has been messing with our heads since we were kids”.

keyword here: our. we.

catra could have said “she's been manipulating me” or “she's been hurting me”. but no. she knows that shadow weaver wasn't a good parent to adora either, as much as she denies it afterwards.

i'm not saying that catra is responsible for adora getting abused by shadow weaver. but if anyone should be protecting the other here, it should have been catra since she's the one who saw through all the lies. but she doesn't mention it at all until adora figures it out and even then, mocks adora for not realizing it sooner.

[alltimefail-sims]

I have been trying to word this more eloquently but UGH I'm honestly exhausted so long story short my grandma passed away yesterday. I won't be posting any sims-related content for at least a week, but I'll be back to posting as soon as I can.

I'll still be reblogging stuff on my main blog (@alltimefail) and I'll try to respond to direct messages when I can, but please don't be offended/worried if you don't hear back from me for at least a week. I'm still in the processing stage, it's going to be a minute before I'm ready to be social and make original posts.

Thanks <3

[foxedthecards]

💞 + thought about ed and shadow 👀 yes, I'm talking about you Jonas, i see you. But also Mr fox for shadow

Mr Fox's eyes flash and his smile is cold as ice.

"*Oh him? I would dearly DEARLY love to sink my teeth right back into that sinuous creature and drink his black black blood like wine if he even has any...*" he hissed. "*The thought of rendering him helpless beneath my hand and utterly obliterating him from existence makes me very excited indeed.*" His eyes are nearly completely gold as he says this, his voice going a bit guttural. "*You may interpret that in the context of these questions as you please...but I know how I feEl about iT...*"

***

Jonas has a perplexed look on his face as he racks his mind because honestly he's not sure who's being talked about here?

" I uh...I think I went to something called the Shadow Dungeon one time? I...wasn't in a good headspace then. I don't remember much about it." he mutters. " I think...I think it was weird bondage-type shit? " He rubs his throat. There's the faintest remnants of a bite there, a bite that doesn't really look...human. " Which I'm pretty sure it was probably shady, not like a reputable place. Otherwise I would have probably enjoyed it, I've done that and been to places like that before. They've always taken good care of me. But that...that kind of experience fucked with my head...more than my body. "

He looks off to the side. " But-but at the time I didn't care. I craved it, it scratched an itch I had. But uhm hope I don't get into another mindset like that. Where I wanna go looking for it again... "

And he won't if Mr Fox has any say in it.

He relaxes a bit more when asked about Ed. " Oh yeah him? Heh. I like having someone my size for a change. Holy shit he's good-looking...whouff and you can look at him and tell he fucking works out, he'd wear me out before I would. I'd love to grab his ass, pull myself close and just start at his face. Nibble and kiss my way down over that beautiful chest...eheh all the way down. You know...I'm not really sure if he's actually been with someone or not? We got in a talk about it. Don't ask. I'm not sure, but if that was the case...I'd be so gentle and careful. If he's OK with it, I'd love to give him the best head he's ever experienced too. But overall I'd want him to be relaxed and have fun. "

His expression grows thoughtful as he taps the side of his face. " Not sure why'd I think this but I wonder if he's into sexy-cute outfits? Maaaaan I bet he'd be hot as shit dressed up. " Ohhh he's definitely thinking some things now

[plushri]

Nagata Kabi's work is so meaningful to me. Even people I liked and trusted, who I had confided in that I struggled for years with suicidal ideation, couldn't understand how I've never dated. Like not having kissed someone by the time you're in your twenties is SUCH a big deal not even spending years wanting and attempting to end your own life explains it.

Anyway, I just really appreciate Nagata Kabi for putting her story out there.

[rosemaries-shroom]

If you voted 3rd party or didn't vote at all (if you legally could that is)

Fucking block me. You're just as responsible for the shit that's happening as every fuck who voted for that racist, sexist, homophobic piece of shit.

15 million of you chose not to show up. *15 million*

"Oh your vote won't matter" what would 15 fucking million votes have done? How could 15 million people decide that they're willing to condem every minority in this country to suffering because "neither option was good"

ONE OF THE OPTIONS WAS LITERALLY A RAPIST AND CONVICTED FELON BUT OKAY SURE, THEYRE BOTH EQUALLY BAD

Fuck all of you, our blood will be on your hands too

[uncanny-tranny]

In discussions about mental health, I am so tired of the only voices mattering being other people or other people who do not deal with a condition/disorder or a specific situation.

"Here's how I deal with loved ones with [x] condition!"

"If you do [y] because of [x mental health reason], you're selfish and everybody who loves you is having their lives made harder by you!"

"If your symptoms are [z], you're gross, and you deserve no sympathy for struggling"

I understand to an extent why people do this, but holy hell, as somebody who struggles and struggles often, the last thing any of us need to be told is that we're a burden that others have to carry. And it's terrible how everybody else's feelings but ours matter - even if we are the ones most affected by our condition or situation.

If you are dealing with issues surrounding your mental health and well-being, know that everything above isn't true; you are worthy of patience, understanding, kindness, and love. You are worthy of being listened to without judgment. You don't have to apologize or "make up" for who you are or what you struggle with.

[sleep-deprived-luka]

Yeah I certainly need to read the event twice

idk if I can draw Mizuki5 related art though, I still don't feel like making human art and the nonhuman art I could do atm feels cruel and invasive

[gold-snek-hoe]

Marak Sixfinger's dick saved my life in 2020 because when I was super depressed and hating my body I wrote a love scene between him and I, where he basically went "if you think you're so hideous, you must find me appalling"

And I was like "...but I love your body"

And we had emotional sex about it.

Did it STOP my downward spiral that ultimately ended with hospitalization and a Zoloft prescription? No.

Did it buy me a few more weeks before I seriously attempted suicide, when I was absolutely NOT ready for the hospital? Abso-fucking-lutely.

I can reasonably say this goblin has been part of my mental health recovery. He bought me some precious time, kept me from self harming more.

Now, I am in NO WAY saying goblin cock is a replacement for mental health treatment. I'm saying he was a goddamn life preserver when I needed help but didn't know how to reach out. In fact, I wrote the scene because I'd had four years of therapy under my belt and it was taken from self-soothing techniques I learned in DBT.

Ultimately, of course, I saved my own life by coming clean to my managers about my attempt and getting hospitalized. And I'm proud of myself for that.

But Marak helped. And I thank him for it.

[seaweedstarshine]

Eleventh Doctor Chronicles: Sins of the Flesh is really good. Really really good. Experience with certain attitudes can be so isolating, surrounded by people who won’t bother to understand the impact of growing up in that environment (because the world's so progressive now, right), and so — I'm so glad it exists. I also liked the discussion in the interview commentary about how being a monster and doing monstrous things are not mutually exclusive. Like most things, homophobia is pervasive because it is structural. Religious fervor is not inherently bad — “your god is love,” Valarie says to Lily — but as soon as hellfire is brandished around, it's used routinely to empower monstrous things, in a way that becomes unsafe to debate. Especially for young & dependent people who can't escape it.

Conditional love. Moral panics. Purity culture. Self-hate. Mob mentality. This audio. It's timely.

I appreciated what they said in the interviews about not only about the research, but the four rounds of sensitivity readings. I wish the TV show had that level of care sometimes…

[n1ghtwarden]

and this posturing is something minth does often, might i add. tough, cruel, unafraid (to act, of enemies, of death), cold - minth is a product of the environment she was raised in; of the cult she was born into. things like kindness, softness and helping others for the sake of helping others do not serve her or anyone following lolth's teachings - in many cases, showing kindness as a child would lead to punishment; something minth would have learnt early on. that, and if she was anything other than the blade she'd been raised to be, she'd have died long ago. minth posturing about how cruel she could be, how unafraid she is is both a lie and a truth. she has the capacity to be awful just as she has the capacity to be soft - but will always pick the former over the latter to protect herself and further her own goals. vulnerability and transparency, over the course of the game at least, is reserved for tav who she trusts - and perhaps a select few other companions.

[mad-hunts]

@ofgctham sent🔪 to walk in on my muse standing over a dead body (for bruce).

betrayal is one of the worst things to have to deal with, barton decided, as he sat with his back flush against one of the cold bathroom walls. it tears you up inside — squeezes your heart in a vice-like grip in a way that makes it seem like it's never going to let it go, and that you were stupid to have trusted anyone at all. barton would know because that is exactly how he felt right now sitting next to violet. he thought that they were friends, for they'd known each other almost a year now. but it was kind of funny how quickly their relationship was destroyed at the first sign that barton wasn't all that he seemed; violet turning into something of a cornered animal, willing to do anything to get out of a situation when she got a text message from someone she used to know. and this was only to find out that barton was hurting them for her.

barton tried to explain it to violet in a way that made sense to him. but of course, she didn't get that he deserved to die for what he did to her. violet was actually scared of the concept. of him, and whenever barton looked into her eyes then, all of the affection she'd felt for him was gone just like that. so much for being the most 'perfect, understanding friend,' as violet almost immediately declared that he needed help and she was going to call the police. needless to say, after hearing that, barton wasn't too pleased. from there, things just continued to escalate. one moment barton was telling violet that he didn't want to hurt her and the next he was trying to plunge a screwdriver he found through her gut. though that same screwdriver was wrenched out of his hands by her and in desperation, violet sunk it into his side whenever barton had taken to choking her out.

and that hurt like hell. she took off from there into the communal bathrooms of the dingy motel they were in to try to hide from him; but barton had found violet despite him leaving a very visible blood trail everywhere he stepped. he killed her by smashing her head into one of the sinks in a rage, it seemed, which he partially remembered and partially didn't. barton's eyes looked like just a bunch of veins with how bloodshot they were from crying while he bit down on his sleeve to keep himself from screaming out due to the pain of pulling out the screwdriver. if someone didn't at least report the blood they'd seen on the pavement out there leading to the bathroom, it'd be a damn miracle. but barton didn't even care if he got caught right now.

it really was a bad idea to take out that screwdriver, for he couldn't even stand now without his legs feeling like jelly and collapsing in on him. but he was able to do it while hanging onto the same bloody sink he'd used to kill violet. her body was right below him, and all barton could think of while looking at her was, why did things always turn out so badly for him? (maybe it was because he deserved it.) he could hear someone's heavy footsteps rush into the bathroom then. and with a weak chuckle, barton turned to face him. the batman. ❝ you're late. she's already gone. ❞ his knuckles turned white with how firmly he was gripping the sink to hold himself up.

❝ i liked her a lot, you know. she was my friend. but something happened, and i just... lost control. ❞ barton cleared his throat while tremors racked his body. looking down at her now made him suddenly feel very hot, probably from all of the adrenaline running through him, ❝ god's, i can't believe i killed her. ❞