#im struggling to find the time to even be on here

[justbelievinginmagic]

im(mortal) - part 1: blood moon.

pairing(s): vampire!enhypen ot7 x fem!reader, series summary: Seven souls struggle with the bitter dregs of eternal life. As they hide amongst human society, they try to discover a cure for their curse, decade after decade, century into century. In their investigations, they find more than they could imagine brewing including a strange magnetic pull towards a human woman. Will they be able to find their humanity once more or will their world crumble beneath the weight of immortality? glimpse: A century-old mansion stood in the middle of nowhere engulfed by an inferno of fire. Seven figures stand in front of it; each with sharpened bittersweet smiles on their mouths as they remember how it all started so so long ago. warnings/tags: Inspired by Enhypen's MVs lore & Enhypen's Dark Moon album (but not really its lore), Vampire AU, sort of Soulmate AU, College AU, heavy science fiction inspiration, ot7 x reader but not poly ot7 (but some are really close tbh), 3rd person POV, use of YN, mature topics, angst, human experimentation, medicine (pills/shots), death, injuries, biting, medical imagery, implied abuse, canonical violence & trauma, vampire lore, blood, Ni-ki as Riki, vomiting, illnesses, fire, arson, no mention of YN this chapter as a heads up! let me know if more tags need to be added! word count: 7.3k -> next chapter series masterlist

Seven different wooden chairs were the only furniture that remained in the large solarium. The wall paper had peeled over the years, revealing different variations of ugly, always baby-blue print. The most recent, which was faded beyond belief, was a lattice print; the one under it was a honeycomb pattern; beneath that was a plain baby blue wallpaper. Chipping. Fading.

There were more echoes of the past. Dark mold clung around ghostly shapes of posters, strangely shaped equipment, and long-gone furniture - the shape of a piano was in one corner and the outline of a fine-china cabinet was in another. The linoleum floor was cracked and warped revealing wooden panels beneath. The room smelt of mildew, and there was the faint sound of dripping water from somewhere.

Sunghoon sat down on his chair, the aged wood creaking under his weight. It was strange. Looking down the row of chairs, he could see ghosts of themselves. Jungwon with his wide dark brown eyes. Sunoo clinging to his stuffed bear that he loved so much. Riki’s feet dangling off his chair, too short for his feet to touch the floor yet. He could smell the disinfectant in the air. It always smelt like bleach and chemicals in the solarium despite the large windows lining the walls. They never were opened, white curtains drawn shut. Even now they remained, yellowed with age and soggy with mold.

He had spent so much time here. They all had but he could walk this room with his eyes shut and he wouldn’t have bumped into one piece of furniture or step on one creaking piece of plank of wood in the flooring.

He let out a sigh; his eyes shutting as he tried to calm his racing heart. This was the exact reason they had to return to the mansion. They needed to. Too many memories, too many connections, too many emotions. Sunghoon hoped Jay was alright.

“I found him,” a voice called out, the tone gentle and melodic as usual.

Sunghoon’s lips upturned as he turned away from the past to look at Sunoo. With his bleach blonde hair peeking out from beneath a beanie, his leathered jacket, and tattered jeans, it was easy to be reminded of reality. Sunoo was not a little boy with dark black hair clinging to a stuffed animal anymore. He hadn’t been for a long time.

The linoleum squeaked beneath Sunoo’s shoes as he walked into the large room.

“Wow,” he breathed softly. “I thought seeing the rooms were weird.”

He sighed out, the sound mimicking the breath Sunghoon had heaved moments earlier.

“It’s weird for sure,” Sunghoon said, rising to his feet after a long stretch with his head tilting back as far as it could before straightening and standing.

There was a rustling like a wind brushing through the room. And with it, the world melted away, glowing faintly, just enough to paint the room in a nostalgic light. The wallpaper was honeycombed pale blue; the ceiling fan overhead spun slowly; the room was casted with natural and gas light. A table sat in the center, circular and covered in a white sheet. 7 dining spots were set, a plate, a fork, and a papered cup, each. Each of their chairs were in their spot – polished wood gleaming in the light.

The sound of piano playing a familiar melody that they all had once help create.

Sunoo smiled at Sunghoon. His hair looked darker now in the allusion, his face rounder. His teeth were duller.

“Sunoo,” Sunghoon pleaded, shutting his eyes. “Please don’t.”

With that, the allusion washed away like a chalk painting on a rainy day, turning grey and muddied until the aged room was all that remained. The younger frowned.

“I hate this place,” Sunghoon murmured.

“Same,” Jay’s voice chimed in.

Their heads swung around to see the other man enter the doorway. He grimaced at the sight of the blue room. Jay leaned on the door frame, his hands resting on either side of the door.

“Jungwon’s all done. You guys ready?”

Sunoo took a deep breath in, and Jay winced.

“Sunoo,” he sighed out, taking a step forward almost instinctively.

“I’m fine,” Sunoo insisted, immediately.

His smile was sweet as a spoonful of sugar, wide eyes gentle as he shifted on his feet. Twisting restlessly, his arms spun a bit as he did so, childlike. Jay raised a singular brow before turning towards Heeseung’s call from down the hall.

He didn’t believe Sunoo for a moment. But all Sunoo did was avoid the elder’s gaze, glancing aside, his gaze gravitating to the chairs this time. His chair looked so tiny now. Was it always that small?

“C’mon,” Jay gestured towards them with his head. “They’re waiting.”

With one final look, Sunghoon left the solarium, passing Jay with a steady look in his eye. Jay returned it, sympathy echoing on his face. Sunoo stood there, his hands moving to play with the straps of his backpack.

“You think I’ll feel better?” Sunoo questioned, quietly.

“We all will once we’re done,” Jay commented, leaning on the door frame. It creaked with his weight tauntingly. Jay glanced down the chairs lined up beside him. His chair was missing an arm now.

“I think it’ll help.” He admitted, not looking at the younger. “You’ve been holding onto it for so long, Sunoo.”

There was a tiny hum in the back of Sunoo’s throat. Jay could feel the emotions radiating off of him, the twisted emotions of nostalgia, hurt, pain, sorrow, and strangely euphoria. Jay didn’t understand how Sunoo could feel any happy memories here.

Sunoo shouldered his backpack off and unzipped it. Inside was a stuffed bear. Greying with age, covered in stitches and makeshift patches of fabric to keep his stuffing from tumbling out. He was damaged but well-loved. Old but cared for. Sunoo plucked the thing up. The fur wasn’t soft anymore despite its age. No amount of cuddling made it more gentle, it was always harsh against his skin. He swallowed, looking over at the bear.

Jay glanced aside.

Sunoo breathed out, a thumb brushing over a glass eye, over the worn silk of the ribbon around its neck. With another shuddering breath in, Sunoo placed the bear on his chair. He sat so nicely as if meant for it.

“It’s time,” Sunoo whispered.

“It is,” Jay agreed, watching as Sunoo picked up his now empty backpack.

With quick footsteps, Sunoo exited the solarium without another look. Jay glanced around it once last time before shutting the door behind them with a clank. The two men walked through the mansion, down a dusty hallway. Their feet remembered each creaky floorboard as they continued onwards.

The foyer was all wood and white peeling paint. A singular electric light hung by a chain above the group of men standing in a semi-circle. Waiting for them.

Jungwon’s face was stoney and serious, but at the sight of the others he offered a tight-lipped smile.

“All good?” he asked.

Jay nodded in reply for the group. “Yeah, just checking out the solarium.”

Sunghoon’s hands trembled he noticed then; he hid them in his jeans’ pockets.

“I’m so ready for this place to be nothing but a memory – for good,” Niki commented from his side, his voice sounding harsh as he glared at the high ceilings. The stairwell nearby casted a shadow over his face.

Heeseung said nothing but there was a tickle in the back of their heads – his agreement palpable. Sunoo was quiet as he went to Jungwon’s side. He didn’t grab his arm, but he huddled close. Jay rubbed his forehead as he nodded.

He wanted all of this to be over.

“Let’s do it then.” Jake said. His fingers began to glow, ember hot red.

Dark red eyes took in the mansion for the last time before they glanced at each other. A solemn nod from Jungwon was all they needed before they crept outside of the mansion. Jake’s hands trailed over the wall; it would be described as reverently if there wasn’t such a deep scowl on his pretty features. His lip was curled back into a grimace as flames licked from his fingertips and onto the century old wood of the mansion. A complicated look flickered over his face as he watched the fire catch, a surge of flames erupting up the white paint and traveling higher and higher until they caught onto the ceiling.

“That should do,” he heard Heeseung’s voice in his head, encouraging Jake to join the group outside the burning mansion. As he did so, Jungwon closed the front door with a heavy slam.

-

With a slam, the door thudded shut, piquing the interest of the two boys peering down from in between the stairwell’s posts. Two small faces pressed against the wooden balusters as they watched a man enter the mansion. White coat, spectacles, and carrying two leather bags that were heavy in his grasp. Behind him stood a trio of nurses in their pastel-mint, perfectly pressed dresses and ivory aprons and caps.

“It’s a doctor,” the elder whispered to his friend. Their eyes widened as they focused back far below them.

The doctor glanced upwards, hearing their small voice. He smiled. His footsteps echoed on the floorboards as he went towards the manager’s office.

“Is someone sick?” the other boy hugging his toy bear whispered back.

“No,” the other shook his head. “I don’t think so. . . “

“Maybe they want to adopt one of us?” the younger offered, fiddling with the bow on the bear’s neck.

“Maybe.”

There was a loud thud as the doctor and his entourage entered the manager’s office. The door’s lock sliding into place was even louder. The youngest flinched, fiddling with the silk on the bow even more, soothingly.

“Let’s go tell the others.” The elder said encouragingly, standing from his spot to rush down the upstairs hall to the bedrooms.

-

Not long later, the orphans stood in a line by height, much to the despair of the eldest who was still shorter than the youngers. Each one was examined. An illuminator shined into their brown eyes, into their tiny mouth. A nurse took down notes that the doctor murmured behind his medical mask.

Tapetum lucidum, negative. Tapetum lucidum, negative. Tapetum lucidum, negative.

Number 6 and 11, primary. Number 6 and 11, permanent. Loose number 11, primary.

Their blood was drawn in multiple small vials later by the nurses. Some of the youngest struggled with the blood draw, afraid of needles and blood. A nurse said with a cool smile, “You’ll get used to it.”

This wouldn’t be the first time they’d line up like this. Sometimes, it was weekly; other times, it was daily. Medical notes needed to be updated frequently was all the doctor said.

Then came the pills. They took at least one with every meal; some of them took more than others. When Jay had asked a nurse why were they taking them (they hadn’t taken any ever before!), she had reassured him it was for his well-being. Good boys take their medicine. She chirped out.

The old white-haired manager welcomed the doctor to set up an office in an unused music room, pushing the piano out into the hallway where it sat, taller than most of the boys.

Rules around the mansion began to change soon after. There would be no more adoption visits, no more potential guardians for the time being. No more new additions to the household either. The orphanage’s manager, the old woman with ashy white hair, had smiled at them around the table at dinner time. Each in their chair donated by the nearby town, mismatched like themselves.

She said this was for the best. That this was a way for them to be good boys of society.

They took their pills that waited for them in a small paper cup.

There was another change. No more outside time. No visits into town. No visitors at all. Their solarium that they had once used for potential adoptive parents to meet them turned into a sort of common room, a living room and dining hall all in one. A table for meals had been set up with a white sheet covering its surface. A collection of their toys sat in a corner with a rocking chair that was nearly falling apart. The piano had been pushed inside by the older boys; two raggedy repatched sofas were there as well to lounge about on. As they grew, a bookshelf was shoved against the wall next to the manager’s fine china cabinet (that they were to never touch or else they’d be punished.) It was where they would live, play, assemble for meals, and assemble for treatment. That was their outside now. A tiny blue wall-papered solarium with humidity fogged windows, covered in white lacy curtains.

They complained at first. These changes were horrible. They loved playing outside on the apple tree’s swing and the nearby flower fields. They wouldn’t go into town but let them play outside, please. But, when any of them tried to sneak outside, their punishments grew.

First, it had been the addition of heavy-padlocked entrances and exits that only the doctor, manager, and head nurse held the keys for. When the youngest stole the head nurse’s key when she wasn’t looking (to go play on the swing on the yard’s apple tree), they were quickly limited to only the manager. When the most-sensitive of the group crept outside a window to go pet a stray cat on the back porch, the isolation room was introduced.

It was a bare dusty thing– an old dance room that was used when there were girl orphans. Once it had become an all-boy’s orphanage, it was left abandoned, cold, and grimy. It was dark; there was only candle-based lighting in that room. Gas lighting was slowly being introduced to the cities and towns of new, and, while some of the house had the trailing, twisting wires leading to easily burnt-out light bulbs, the isolation room didn’t. Two floor-to-ceiling walls of cracking mirrors decorated opposite walls of the room with a barre screwed into one of them. Another wall was old brick, harsh and unwelcoming. It felt like an endless room if you stared long enough into the mirrors. A room where you’d be locked away until you were more well-behaved. To think about your actions. (Which were what? Leaving the house they were trapped in? They didn’t understand why things had to change.) The youngest hated the room.

He became very familiar with the room throughout the following years.

-

It was a slow life. They grew taller; they lost baby teeth; they celebrated birthdays. Their medicine increased and decreased; their rooms grew more familiar. The isolation room became common-place especially as some of the boys edged into teenagerhood. Soon, the doctor moved into the office. Soon, there were even more tests. More pills, even injections. Their halls reeked of antiseptic and the metallic tang of medical equipment. The manager passed away on Jay’s twelfth birthday, but nothing much changed except for the fine-china cabinet being raided and left empty – by who the boys never knew for sure.

The pills continued. The examinations continued.

-

Jungwon was the first to be considered a success by the doctor.

He was no older than ten when he discovered his new talent – speed. Indoor races back and forth in the solarium became easy; in fact, he kept teasing the others that he was faster, faster, faster than them all. But it wasn’t just speed he discovered: it was hunger. A hunger that crawled in the pit of his stomach. A hunger that was a maw to all food.

Hungry. Hungry. Hungry.

Nothing satiated it. Nothing until he snapped at a nurse. Bit into her arm with the feral nature of a dog captured. A fit of anger, a tantrum, the doctor had noted at first until… until… there was a growl, inhuman. Deep in the young boy’s chest. The boy, the sweet friendly boy who hated the pills ever so much, glared up at the doctor. Red eyes, red mouth, white fangs.

Instead of being scolded that evening and tossed into isolation, he was given the sweetest treat he had ever tasted. A red jelly that jiggled like a belly while laughing. But smelt of iron-blood.

He was a success. He deserved to be celebrated.   

The others followed swiftly.

-

Heeseung hated the pills they were forced to ingest. Wake up; pills. Lunch; pills. Dinner; pills. Pills, pills, pills. He hated them. He hadn’t been there the longest – that title went to Jungwon, but he was the eldest of the boys. So, since day one of the doctor’s arrival, he had a higher dose of everything until it was proven unhealthy for the boy. What was unhealthy was difficult to determine apparently. He’d vomit; his stomach cramped. He’d be trembling with chills and hot with a fever within hours. He was bedridden; he was exhausted; he was jittery.

He had seven pills in his cup. Why? Why? Jay had two pills!

He asked why; they didn’t tell him. When his symptoms grew, Heeseung tried to figure out how to feel better. Take more pills, take less. Nothing worked. His body weening from the medicine was just as bad as taking the medicine he realized. His skin crawled. His head felt like it was going to explode. Sometimes he couldn’t bear the sunlight touching his skin. It burned his eyes, forcing him to stay in his room. Once he tried to hide his pills. He tucked them into his pillow, threw them out the window. When it was discovered by one of the trio of nurses, he wasn’t punished. He simply was force-fed the pills rather than allowing himself to drop each tablet on his tongue. That happened for a month. After that he didn’t challenge them again. Grimacing, he’d swallow down the pills pressed against his mouth. Always at the supervision of a too-calm nurse with a sick smile on her perfectly lipsticked lips.

He tried to talk to Jungwon, but Jungwon didn’t talk much anymore. He simply stared. Stared and stared as he sat at the head of the dinner table, plate empty. Eyes empty. When was the last time he saw his friend smile… eat… It scared him. Sometimes Heeseung swore he could hear his voice in his head.

Hungry. Hungry. Hungry.

Can’t. Can’t. Can’t.

Control. Control. Control.

Heeseung would itch and writhe and change until he too couldn’t stand the taste of food. Couldn’t swallow another bite of rice. Until he tried to attack his nurse as she fed him his pills. With aching teeth and a gnawing stomach, he bit his nurse’s hand as she forced the pills down his throat. Heeseung thought her blood tasted sweeter than any treat he’s ever tasted.

That night at the dinner table, there were now only five plates full of food and two bare. It was also the first time Jungwon heard another voice in his head, one that sounded like the eldest without him opening his mouth. Their dark rubied eyes locked.

Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Heeseung chanted in Jungwon’s head. 

-

The youngest Riki, often called by the nickname ‘Niki’ after he stumbled over his own name in introductions at the orphanage, was exceptionally difficult. He spat out his pills; he’d get placed in isolation. He fought with the others; he’d get placed in isolation. He stole Sunoo’s bear; isolation. Far too often, he was in the locked room. Solidarity confinement to encourage him to play nice. It just made him feel invisible and hurt – especially when none of the boys visited him.

Except for Sunoo who loved to act as older brother to the younger (despite holding his stuffed animal close to his chest everywhere he went in the mansion). He’d sit outside the isolation room’s door, whispering ‘hello’s underneath the door’s gap or peering through the keyhole to see each other and wave his bear’s paw at him. Riki would tease him about his stupid bear, but then he’d cling to his own pillow as the nurses began to inject whatever was in the pills into his arm. It was then proven that he was no troublemaker, just a lost little boy clinging to a pillow as another shot was pressed into his arm. Tears trickled down his cheeks.

Riki hadn’t taken the pills in a while, not like his hyungs. He told his doctor that he liked the pills. Can’t he take the pills again? He wouldn’t spit them out, promise! The injections hurt. His arm would ache. Then, his stomach would ache. Then, his head would ache. He’d toss and turn on the examination table in agony.

It went on for so long. Sometimes the others would hear his cries at night, whimpering for a mother or father that wasn’t there. Eventually, Jungwon would sneak out at night, too fast to catch, and rest on the floor outside of the isolated room to whisper comfort to the youngest.

It’ll be okay. You’re okay.

I’m here, Riki. I’m here.

With the sadness, the loneliness, the pain, there was a violence brewing in Riki after each check-up. He was angry, no, beyond that, he was rageful. He wished the nurses, the doctor, the manager of the orphanage, could feel what he felt – like time had stopped. He found out one day that his birthday had passed with no celebration.

“It was a lesson,” a nurse warned as she drew his blood. “Good boys get to celebrate fun things.”

He watched as his blood filled the vial with disdain. It looked sludge-thick, dark red.

He craved something he didn’t understand right then. His stomach curdled and ached. But food tasted of ash, of dirt, of everything bad. Bad, bad, bad. He refused to eat, gnashing teeth at anything they offered. He wouldn’t even drink a sip of blood when it was finally presented to him. In an unassuming white Dixie Cup. He threw it at the doctor, growling.

“Ungrateful boy,” the doctor hissed out.

Hungry, he thought.

Hungry. Hungry. Hungry.

He needed food, not blood!

They had to restrain him, a shackle on his ankle to the nearby brick wall of the isolation room… until he tore it away from the wall it was mounted in. Until his hunger blinded him in blood-red. Until he was somehow out of his room, on the other side of the locked door. Until he was tearing his fangs into the first person he saw – into the neck of his friend who often came to sit outside his bolted-room door to talk. Sunoo.

-

Sunoo had been born by the bite rather than the pill. Riki had drained him near dry before the nurses had found them in a daze. He was half-dead, and the only way he was recovered was through Jungwon. His blood was siphoned into the dying veins of Sunoo. His venom; his blood; their venom; their blood.

Sunoo’s eyes flashed opened, and he saw only red for a moment. Vermillion haze. Until he saw his friends, his so-called brothers, peering over at him on the makeshift medical bed. His throat ached, but he simply smiled. Fangs and all.

He suffered the most after his transformation. Unlike the others whose symptoms came and went in waves, building gradually before they succumbed, he went through everything at the same time. He couldn’t go into daylight, couldn’t bear the touch of the sun or the glare of lights; he was hungry all the time and would attack for it. He’d try to bite his brothers; he’d eat scrapes he’d find from the night’s dinner; he’d vomit. Anger would overwhelm – he even tore the limbs off his beloved stuffed bear which left him crying inconsolably. He felt like he wasn’t even himself. Unsafe.

Hungry. Hungry. Hungry.

His feet moved so fast one day; some thought he was levitating… until they realized he was. If he was scared or hungry or anything, he’d fly away, hide away in a closet. He’d hug his stitched-up bear close to him, whispering words with sharpened teeth. All the while he hoped this was all a nightmare he’d wake up from.

Sunoo learned, if he tried hard enough, he could live in his mind. Making up a world he loved. Where he felt safe. Sometimes if someone was close to him, they could see his fantasy world too. So bright, so beautiful. Only for it to eventually fade away into this. A mansion of horrors.

-

At this point, the boys had been divided up. Half remained in the solarium, the other half in their bedrooms. The solarium had been converted into a horrible makeshift medical office. White bedsheets were draped about, over the bookshelf, the table, their chairs, the sofa. Everything. Medical equipment – syringes, needles, pills, IV drips. A machine that beeped with their heart beats. They were poked and prodded. Doses were increased.

Jake. Jay. Sunghoon. Grew. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry.

-

Jake had a strange case of side effects. Hot and cold. He was cold. Icy to the touch. He felt half-dead for days before breaking out into a fever. So hot and restless. He’d sink down in icy baths for hours. He felt more like he was half-fish than human sometimes.

He’d rest his forehead against the cool bathtub’s porcelain and breath in and out only for that once icy cold water to become boiling hot. His hands glowed, heat pulsing from them as the water bubbled about him. He’d throw himself out of the tub, scalding hot water sloshing onto the tiles below.

Nurses would run in. Fearful only for him to look at them, eyes strangely bloody, and his hands sparking with fire.

He was locked up like Riki once was. With the addition of flame-retardant gloves and chains tight on his hands. He was quiet when they did so. He grew quieter and quieter as the days passed. With hot flashes, cold flashes, hunger flashes, he felt like a live wire.

Sometimes, when he was bored, he’d stare at the lights, blinding white lights until they’d burst. Until he flooded the electric grid and the entire house suffered power outages. He didn’t know how he did it. All he knew was that he could. Something was wrong.  

One day, when he felt cold as ice with a stomach gasping with hunger, the smell of food disgusted him. The nurse sent to feed him his porridge made the wrong move. Unclasping his shackles, undoing his gloves. He pounced, more monster than man and bit her, drained her. There were no other nurses rushing in; there was no doctor to stop him. Jake didn’t stop drinking, drinking, drinking until it was just him and the corpse of a nurse he’d known for half of his life. He passed out in a fever soon after, still hungry he realized pathetically.

Hungry. Hungry. Hungry.

He was found by the doctor hours later. His mouth was cleaned, his clothes cleaned; he was laying in his bed and not the isolation room. The nurse was gone. Where had she gone? The young teen stared up with blood-red eyes. The doctor smiled and said everything was okay now. He was forgiven.

A cup of blood was handed to him in a paper cup.

Jake took it, knowing he was freed from his cage, his restraints gone, but somehow still a prisoner to a new shackle he didn’t want to bear.

-

From day one, Jay had always listened to the nurses, had listened to their manager, had listened to the doctor. For years, he listened and obeyed. He was a good patient, a good boy. Trusting their words as they fed him pill after pill, shot after shot. No matter how much he cried when his arm ached or his stomach churned. They’d say he was a good boy for taking his medicine. “Why couldn’t you be good like Jay?” He had heard that said hundreds of times.

So, it was funny how miserable he felt. How bad like a rotten apple sitting in the sun. Jay just felt awful. His friends one by one turned into someone unlike themself. Biting, blood, red eyes. Everyone felt angry… he didn’t know how he knew it but he did. Sometimes, if he stared at them long enough, he could just tell.

The nurse was upset today. She was sad and guilty… they tasted like the smell of rain, like salty soup.

Another nurse hadn’t come into care for them. Maybe she was with the others? He couldn’t tell.

Sunghoon was lonely; it tasted like woodchips, like dust in the corners of a room. Jay tried to play a game with him, but soon their different symptoms distracted them. A headache, nausea, exhaustion.   

The doctor was never angry. He wasn’t sad either. He was so joyful at their suffering. Jay could taste it like it was liquid sugar, melting on his tongue. Jay hated him. Sometimes he hoped the doctor could feel it when he glared at him. Sometimes Jay swore he did, when he’d flinch or take too sharp of breath in.

While Jay was one of the eldest, he was one of the last to change fully. He was stuck between food and blood for a long time. Unlike the others, his eyes didn’t turn red when he was given a cup of blood. He drank it down like a good boy, but it didn’t have the same effect as the others. So, they’d mix some blood into his soups, his porridge, his rice. Everything a pale pink. He’d throw it up. Food disagreeing with him; blood disagreeing with him. More tests had him hooked up to IVs, and his blood tested.

The nurses said it was his will not the treatment’s fault. The duo said they saw him hungry during their blood-draws; they said they saw how he’d lick his lips whenever the blood from his own veins dripped into the vial.

Blood called to him like a siren from a fairytale.

The first time he attacked the doctor for his blood was the last time he drank from a human who was awake. Their pain, their emotions flaring, he felt it then. Understood it then. It bittered everything. It hurt. He hated it. He hated it all.

He drank blood from an IV. From a cup. From the jelly the nurses made. Never from another being. Even if his stomach growled and the maw inside him whispered: Hungry. Hungry. Hungry.

Jay refused to be a monster.

-

Sunghoon was last to change. The loneliest. He was kept away from the boys after they turned one by one. Locked away in the solarium, he slept there, ate, read. Every now and then, Jungwon would visit him by the window. One warm hand pressed against the glass, larger than Jungwon’s cold palm.

He felt weak. Not only was he somehow not changing to whatever his friends were – but he was exhausted daily. Laying in the solarium, he began to sleep during the day, staying awake all night. As time pass alone, his tests grew worse. His muscles were deteriorating. Like his body was eating away at him. Pain became Sunghoon.

They whispered; he heard them. Should they use the others’ blood? Their venom? But Sunoo was so feral; he apparently had just begun to adjust. Could they handle another boy acting so erratic?

He couldn’t understand that he was dying. He was in a blur; sometimes it felt like the world would just blend into a watercolored haze, and he’d be outside his body. He knew where the nurses were, the doctor, the other boys. Their hearts, their breaths, their muscles flexed as his deteriorated. It was strange, scary.

It wasn’t until one day there was a horrible cracking sound from his body, unearthly. Inhumanly monstrous but also frighteningly fragile that the doctor simply force-fed him blood. Just regular blood. No venom, no medicine, no Jungwon or Riki or Jay or Heeseung.

It was vile. Blood wasn’t meant for humans. . . was he a human? He didn’t know anymore. The blood was poured down his throat. Head tilted back; nose plugged. Iron-sick, ruby-slick, he’d cough and cough as he sat up from his ‘feeding.��� Blood dripped down his chin, staining his sweater.

“You look better,” said the doctor with a disgustingly joyful smile. A bright light shined in his eyes made him blearily blink.

“Tapetum lucidum, positive.” The doctor said pleasantly, to the nearby nurse before clicking the illuminator off.

Red eyes, red mouth, baby fangs. It took time, but they grew and elongated after two weeks of forced blood drinking 3 times a day. Despite his hunger, Sunghoon hated blood. He didn’t want it; he didn’t want the hunger.

Hungry. Hungry. Hungry.

The next time, on day fifteen, he drank willingly. Not just one cup but seven.

-

The examinations didn’t stop. The medicine didn’t stop. Even after all of this, they were forced to drink this blood and their pills.

The only difference was that they finally weren’t separated. The day they were reunited was strange. Waves of emotions only led to the boys staring at one another like strangers. Some looked so different. Sunghoon hadn’t seen Jungwon in over a year. He almost didn’t recognize him. Riki was taller. Sunoo clung to Jungwon’s arm. Jake looked like a ghost.

“The family is back together,” the doctor cheered as they all sat in the solarium together for the first time in months.

Rubied eyes stared at the doctor, silent.

“Let’s take a photograph to commemorate this!” a nurse chimed out.

There was only one nurse left now – they didn’t know where the second one went. Sitting together on a white draped sofa, the seven didn’t smile. They simply stared as the large contraption was set up on spindly metal legs. With a crack of a light bulb, the photograph was taken.

Their eyes looked eerily pale in the monochrome photo, like a dog’s at night. The doctor was the only one grinning ear to ear. A flicker of a fang was visible in Riki’s grimace.

Photographs of their mouths and eyes were taken that day, too. Sometimes Heeseung wonders if it was all for that from the start.

-

“We should leave,” Jay whispered one night.

The boys - no, they weren’t boys; they hadn’t been boys in a long time – they were men, teenagers with the tempers of children and the hunger of a monster – they sat inside Jungwon’s bedroom, a common gathering place solely due to the bright moon outside of his window. None of them had windows – too much of a risk. But, Jungwon had been such a good boy. Such a success.

Jungwon just simply knew what the nurses and doctor wanted. A doll. A research subject. So he was that, a scientific silent thing. But here he’d stroke his Sunoo’s head as he curled into his lap, still clinging to his bear. Here, Jungwon’s rubied eyes that stared blankly at dinners and breakfasts were round and empathetic as he nodded along with Jay. Here he was himself – as much of himself as he could be with the constant growl of the Beast in his ear.

“We need to get out of here.” He agreed.

“But what if—what if we need them?” A tentative voice asked.

It was a strange thing to feel – a need towards those who had harmed them. A double-edged sword. The experiments hadn’t stopped. The medicine hadn’t stopped. They were still being tested on despite their changes. But… this was all they knew. They’ve never went past the town, never breached past the tree-line. What if it was worse… alone?

Despite their hunger. Sunoo’s voice was fragile.

“We don’t need them,” Riki bit out, arms crossed. As the youngest, he was still the most volatile; Heeseung summed it up to teenage hormones.

There was a beat as a wave of calm settled over them like a cool mist from a forest, like the minty way your mouth felt after brushing them with toothpaste.

“Jay,” Jake whispered, half-scolding.

He knew it was him; Jake never felt so at peace nowadays, only when Jay manipulated the emotions of the room to his will. Jay flashed a bashful smile, red cheeked.

“We don’t need them,” Jungwon redirected the conversation, firmly.

“What could be worse?” Sunghoon bit out, eyes staring up at the moon. His head leaned against the window pane.

“Dying,” it was not said but thought. Each of the vampires could hear the voice of Heeseung echoing in the back of their minds like it was their own thought.

Riki shivered. “I hate when you do that,” he mumbled.

“Sorry,” Heeseung muttered. He didn’t know how to quite control it yet. His thoughts were like a stream connected to a river and that river to a larger ocean. Sometimes they flowed into others.

“Okay,” Jungwon huffed. Sunoo nuzzled into his arm sleepily. “Dying isn’t an option. We can’t.”

“We’ve been through all of this just to die?” Riki added, crossing his arms as he shifted his weight against the wall. “No way.”

“What if we are hungry…?” Sunoo asked.

When weren’t they? Even Jungwon struggled with his hunger, he had bitten his fair share of the remaining nurses. It was silent. What would they do?

“We can stock up before we leave,” Jay said, hand going through his hair as he tried to block out the ranging emotions around him. Excitement, nervousness, fear, anxiousness. It was making him sick to his stomach.

“And after?” Another asked.

“We’ll figure it out.” Sunghoon said, quietly. Optimistically. He raised a brow as he looked over the others. As the fledgling among them, the youngest in terms of whatever this curse was, he was most prone to outbursts for blood. If he could try, they could.

Heeseung looked at the room, once over. “We figure it out,” he agreed.

“Together.”

-

Their break-out wasn’t a simple thing planned in one night under a full moon. It took a month of planning. Of preparing. Stealing IV bags of blood when the nurse was busied – some of them causing problems, so they could grab more. They were hiding them in the glass fine china cabinet in the solarium; it had rested empty and covered by a white sheet for years now. No one checked there. When the cabinet was full, they began tucking the blood bags into pillows and mattresses they had gutted with the strange claws they realized they were starting to have. If they focused, they’d grow, thicken into incredibly sharp nails.

One night, Jungwon even hid some of the pills they were forced to swallow down – just in case – in a place no one would ever look. He was quick, grabbing all he could. Inhumanly fast, he looked this way and that – just waiting for the nurses to return. In his hurry, he grabbed other bottles strewn about that had unknown names - ferrous sulfate, calciferol, allium sativum, melatonin.

It was a cold November night when they planned to leave – but they didn’t know it; after all, experiments didn’t need to know the date, or the time, or the year.

They went off the moon. Each day a sliver of the moon grew and grew larger. It was supposed to be a full moon that night. Yet when the moon peeked around the tall trees outside Jungwon’s window, it was strange. Reddish, bright, bloody.

“It’s fate,” Sunghoon had whispered as they waited in the shadows of Jungwon’s bedroom.

A blood moon for the vampires.

With the doctor drugged, forced to drink down the mixture of pill Jungwon had found (Riki had dropped in his nightly tea like they were forced to down blood), they crept down the stairs.

It was quiet. The snores of the doctor echoed down the hall. Their feet dodged the creaking parts of the wooden floor. The vampires clung to belongings – tied up into makeshift sacks made of bedding. Thick winter coats covered their layers of clothes. Sunoo held his bear.

Heeseung’s voice rang out in their head.

“Sunghoon’s going to get the key.” It was whispered in their minds, almost as if he was afraid that he’d be heard even there.

It was in the doctor’s office.

They froze in the entry-way, the foyer feeling colder by the second despite their inability to feel the chill (really, even their layered clothes were just out of habit – weren’t they supposed to feel cold in winter?) Their breaths were low, dark eyes flickering between each other as they waited. Sunghoon wasn’t the quickest like Jungwon. But he had a sense to him, that was unlike any of them. Like warning bells were built into his head.

It was almost too easy. Until it wasn’t.

“Hey – what are you--?” the doctor cried out, shaken awake.

Were the pills a fluke? Riki’s eyes went wide, frightened at the sound. Sunoo grabbed onto Jay. There was the sound of fighting, grunts. A thunk against a wall.

Jungwon leaned forward, wanting to run to help but Heeseung’s hand reached out to stop him.

“I got it,” Sunghoon yelled out, the sound like a scream in the quiet silence.

He rushed out of the room; the wooden door slamming against the wall. A clambering of footsteps followed him.

“Get back here, you brat,” the doctor yelled.

Sunghoon felt more alive than ever. He ran fast. Riki stared down the doctor, shaking against the doorway. He wanted him to just stop, stop, stop. They had to get out of here.

To his surprise, the doctor did. He froze. Mid step, floating in the air. His sleep-hat caught in the air. Glasses askew. Not only did the doctor stop but so did his friends… no, his family. He glanced around. Jungwon was to his left, hand on the door knob, ready to unlock the door. Heeseung had grabbed Jake’s hand. Sunoo was curling towards Jay. Riki’s breath burned in his throat as he held onto it with all his might. He took a small nervous step… nothing else shifted. He was the only one to be able to step forward.

And he did. He walked over to Sunghoon. His hair was flopping mid-air, teeth bared, fangs sharp. His hand held the key tightly. With ease, Riki slipped it out of his blood-brother’s hand. Bounding over to the door, he turned the lock. There was a chill climbing up his spine, his breath electric in his lungs. Opening the door, he let out his held breath in a single gasp. With it, the world to come rushing to action. But there was no contest, no obstacle now. A door was open with the darkness outside pouring into the mansion.

The boys simple ran out the door, bewildered to how it was opened and unlocked. Sunghoon glanced at his hand for only a moment before ignoring the impossibility of the world and sprinting harder. He’d take the miracle. Maybe it was really fate. Fate for them to escape.

They broke past the tree-line, hooting and hollering as they continued to run and run and run. Away from the mansion and into their new lives.

The doctor huffed and puffed glaring out into the darkness, only made darker under the blood moon. Today’s experiment yielded a result – vampires were faster than a middle-aged man. He would find them one day. He would. The door of the mansion was shut behind a livid doctor with a heavy thud.

[majimaisms]

Do you think Majima has ADHD?

well. its not something i think about when im writing him, so i guess in a functional sense the answer is no. but that's mostly because i haven't analyzed his behavior through this framework. the question to ask there, for me, is "is it useful to analyze majima through this framework?" does it explain things about him? is it conducive to developing a better understanding of him as a person? does it explain why he has the problems he has? because that is my primary concern as a writer, to understand a character. and i guess my gut feeling on that (as someone with ADHD) has been that, no, it would not be useful to me.

that being said, we could certainly try to make an argument for majima having ADHD, and failing that, explain why he might not have it with something more substantial than a "gut feeling" lmao. so. long answer under the read more (be warned that it is very long)

keep in mind that ADHD unfortunately remains a poorly understood and understudied disorder, and that i am by no means an authority on the subject. here's what it takes to reliably diagnose someone with ADHD, which, even if i were a trained professional, i would not be able to do, because i can't interview him. but we can still work with what we have.

first, lets look at what ADHD is.

to make a case for majima having ADHD, you could point to his apparent hyperactivity, and i think you could be inclined to take his boredom during meetings and lack of interest in anything business-related as a manifestation of his inattentiveness symptoms. he can't pay attention because he's easily distracted, etc.

similarly, this line from him in dead souls made me think about how people with ADHD also often tend to find their own way of doing things, which may seem counterintuitive or nonsensical to others. there are more references to him "doing things his own way" in dead souls, y0 and kiwami (that i can remember), so this is just one example. he certainly has a unique way of going about things and he takes pride in that, even if people think it's odd. this is definitely something neurodivergent people across the spectrum experience.

however, this is a pretty surface level analysis. let's look at a more detailed description of how these symptoms may manifest

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in adult life (Silver, 2000).

re: hyperactivity, his career choice certainly is an active one, but he didn't choose it for that reason. we see him in meetings many times, and yes, he's bored, but he never fidgets or exhibits any of the behaviors described here. he doesn't seem to find it difficult to "sit still". he likes being active, yes, but he's not restless in this way. he gets restless before fights, but i would consider that an exception, not the rule.

re: inattention, i don't think majima struggles with any of the problems described here. i don't think we see him being "distracted" or "spacey" at all in any of the games. in fact i remember him calling someone a "space-case" in y0, so it's something he actively notices and dislikes in other people. majima doesn't have trouble "filtering out unimportant thoughts", he has the opposite problem of being too single-minded. guy has tunnel vision when it comes to carrying out tasks. he finds something to do and doesn't stop until he's done. his life is anything but "full of incomplete tasks or activities." and i don't think his disinterest in meetings is due to an inability to stay focused, i think he just finds it boring and doesn't want to hear about it. because there's nothing to suggest this is something that causes a problem in his life, or that he couldn't change it if he wanted to.

as for impulsivity, i also don't remember him interrupting anyone, but of course impulsivity doesn't begin and end there. Moeller et al. (2001) define impulsivity as "a predisposition toward rapid, unplanned reactions to internal or external stimuli without regard to the negative consequences of these reactions to the impulsive individual or to others."

i elaborate on this in the analysis essay im working on, but i argue that majima is not impulsive. he pretends to be impulsive as part of the mad dog act, but when you look at what he's actually doing in his day-to-day life, he's always planning. majima everywhere is a great example of this. he doesn't let himself be derailed by momentary distractions, he doesn't compromise his plans like that. and he basically deals in plans, they're his bread and butter. both short term and long term plans, and it's especially the latter that i would like to emphasize here.

what makes ADHD as a disorder so disruptive to not only daily life but life in general is that it makes you disorganized and unable to follow through on plans or tasks. in my very limited literature review (that i conducted to answer this as properly as i could, lol) i found Barkley's explanations to be very useful towards understanding ADHD as a disorder, especially as someone who lives with it, so i'll share some insights from him below

ADHD and Executive Functioning

there's evidence pointing to a strong relationship between ADHD and executive dysfunction. however, it's important to note that they are not synonymous, so problems with executive functioning may not be necessary for an ADHD diagnosis if other symptoms are present.

majima is a master of executive function. i can't speak to #3 or #4 because i don't have access to his daily internal thoughts, but everything else on this list is something majima is very good at. the only exception to #2 i can think of is him hitting mirei, and there's a reason that was so out of character for majima. the reason is that he is not impulsive. he has incredible levels of self-restraint. he's aware of the consequences, too aware if anything. it's part of what makes him so good at what he does.

i think an interesting thing you realize about majima as you go on analyzing him is that he's not doing half the shit he does despite the consequences, he's doing it because of them. and the rest of the time, it's not that he was momentarily unaware of the consequences, he just doesn't care. he's not rude or blunt or aggressive or physically violent because he's not thinking about the consequences in that moment and acting on impulse. he just doesn't care. again, mirei is an exception, but i don't think that qualifies him as someone who generally struggles with self-restraint.

he's always doing things deliberately, intentionally. he is too good at planning for the future. he's very calculating and in control of his behavior. impulsive behavior is something you might regret doing, but couldn't stop yourself from doing. even with simple things, such as deadlines, or literally any plan at all. majima does not experience this very often if at all, and he certainly doesn't experience it often enough for it to be an overarching pattern causing problems in his life.

again, he does not struggle with executive dysfunction. he is very good at organizing and planning for the long term and carrying out those plans. he's very good at getting what he wants, and what he needs. there's no obstacle to that that arises from his own impaired ability to see things through.

to go back to impulsivity for a moment, there's another form of impulsivity that often gets overlooked, and is understudied in ADHD research, and that is emotional impulsivity.

there's a lot of debate around this, with people saying emotional symptoms are too nonspecific to be used as diagnostic criteria, but a 2018 study suggests emotional impulsivity and disrupted emotional self-regulation may be specific enough to ADHD to be part of the diagnostic criteria. however, they specifically excluded irritability from these symptoms, and i would say that irritability is maybe the one thing that we can observe in majima that he regulates poorly. but again, even that i would argue is mad dog. we see him in y0 being incredibly, i mean just unimaginably patient. and his emotional states don't seem to persist, he can self-regulate better than most people i know. he talks to himself, hypes himself up, talks himself down, etc. we see this a lot in y0.

i think this is true for majima, so again, points to him not having ADHD.

that being said, i do wonder if his "let's fight it out" outlook on life isn't related to emotional impulsivity. the study suggests that people with ADHD might "prefer the immediate reward of a quick emotional response (e.g., relief of distress) rather than the longer term rewards of self-regulation (e.g., not aggravating an already demanding situation)."

majima prefers to get everything out in the open and resolve the conflict with violence instead of trying to regulate his emotions through other means. he doesn't ignore his emotions, if he's frustrated or annoyed, he wants to fight you about it. but him being yakuza complicates things here, because he's doing this with the express purpose of resolving the situation, not accidentally escalating it. and it works. because that's the norm in his community. so, again, i don't know if this counts. the y0 examples with sagawa and shimano are so strongly against this reading of him that i can't think of any counter-evidence that would cancel it out.

so, to summarize, we can see some overlap between ADHD symptoms and majima's behavior. but all of this is to say nothing of other potential causes for these symptoms. depression, anxiety, bipolar, these are all things that can manifest in similar ways, or even be comorbid with ADHD. so without screening him for other conditions, we can't say anything definitive.

there's also different frameworks to consider. you could certainly turn to psychiatric conditions to explain some of these things, but nothing in life is so simple. you could also point to poverty, a dysfunctional home environment, trauma, cultural factors, all of which are things that interact with each other, which complicates things further. and i could talk about that for another hour.

also important to note here that i have ADHD myself, so i think that is actually another complicating factor that makes me averse to seeing majima as having ADHD, because i look at him and i just see all the ways in which we're so different when it comes to executive function.

ultimately, i think a good approach to take with diagnoses is to look at whether or not it would be useful to the person to have that diagnosis. would it help them understand themself better, would the diagnosis help them with things they are struggling with? would it increase their likelihood of getting treatment they need? would it help them connect with people who share their diagnosis and build a support system? and i simply don't see this to be the case for majima. i don't think he has problems in his life that are caused by ADHD, and i don't think he would benefit from a diagnosis.

however, i think it's also important to take a step back and ask, does it help you to see majima as someone with ADHD? is that useful to you? because ultimately, majima is a fictional character, and one of the most valuable functions of art, in my opinion, is that it can act as a bridge in your relationship with yourself. what i mean is, dont let my answer discourage you from headcanoning him however you want <3

lastly, i want to say thank you for sending me this ask, because i got super excited about it and fell down a research rabbithole and that is something i really, really enjoy. i also care a lot about this subject so i'm happy i got to yap about it. i think there's a lot of conversations to be had around this that i find fascinating, especially as it relates to queerness and neurodivergence in general, but i'll maybe save that for another time lmao

[daisymbin]

Im sorry but you do know that people realize it when you use chatgbt, right? I used an ai detector for your recent seungkwan drabble and well…100%…

I'm sorry but I don't use chatgpt.. I write all my fics myself at night, proofread them, and schedule them to be posted the next day. as English is not my first language, the things I write & styles are mostly from fics from tumblr, twitter and even wattpad back in the day that ive in a way, picked up. so maybe there's a certain writing style that's similar but I do not use chatgpt

damn honestly this kinda dampened my mood. was still proofreading for more stuff to be posted but for now, I'll just leave my last scheduled post as it is. it would be good to not have my work be discredited like this.

just wanna emphasise again that I do not use chatgpt or any other ai or whatever technology. I wrote them all myself, & again, I wanna emphasise that English is not my first language, it took many years of reading and learning to get here & I'll admit it's still not at its best level, but please be mindful that because it's not my first language, finding difficult words sometimes is a struggle for me, so I may end up reusing or rephrasing things I've already done before so hopefully u can understand that.

also as someone who when in university, all students had to first upload their work/assignments onto an ai detector thing for plagiarism purposes. only if our citation or work isnt over 10%, can we then submit the work so I know there's no such thing as 100% when it comes to things like this because that would mean i entirely copied someone's work? so hopefully, next time you can ask and check first before saying things outright like this.

++ i promise i'll stop adding to this but I have 20 reqs i haven't worked on, and 16 sitting in drafts, those in drafts were asks sent in 3 days ago that I'm still in the midst of writing. if I had used chatgpt or some ai platform, wouldn't they all have been done, written or whatever by now and posted?

[romana-after-dark]

Rooms on Fire: Everything We Lost In The Fire

Dark!Santiago Garcia x Fem!Reader

Dark!Francisco Morales x Fem!Reader

Dark!William Miller x Fem!Reader

Dark!Benjamin Miller x Fem!Reader

Also: FishBen, and an assortment of other M/M relationships (no Millercest). Everyone is Bisexual

Series Masterlist: Main Masterlist

Spotify playlist

Summery: Madonna has to make a stand.

Warnings and Content:

DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT

DUB CON MOSTLY but there WILL BE NON CON. Major character deaths, forced breeding, physical abuse, brainwashing, manipulation, violence, gore, alcoholism/addiction, BIG OLE BLASPHEMY WARNING like this cult appropriates a lot of religious themes and they call reader their Madonna, Santi is called the Pope, like all that stuff. However, this is a cult so I mean. It happens. None of it are my thoughts on religion or meant to make fun of religion or demonize religious people. Disgusting views on virginity. Attempted rape outside the boys. T*m warning. Age gap. Creepy terrible men. Non-reader rape, dub con, violence. Covert incest, massive mommy issues, sexual abuse all around, past grooming by parental figure. no CSA but the victim isn't much older. some Bates Motel type shit. I cannot properly warn you for everything, without just telling the story but consider this a major warning that there are dark dark themes. No one involved here is morally clean, and who you perceive as the good guy cannot be relied on. Don't come to my story and say im romanticizing these things until at least the story ends.

Extra warnings for chapter: Violence

2.2k words

A/N Please know tags have been spotty so check and make sure you're caught up! Also I am sick so sorry if the writing is mid lololol im trying.

"We don't have to wait for anyone to follow Burn all the yesterdays, give us our tomorrow Love is like a flame in our desire We'll have to sacrifice everything we lost in the fire." ~Everything We Lost in the Fire, Blue October

Wrapped up in Will’s arms, you try to focus on Francisco’s kisses, not the fact Will’s hands were on your breast, Ben’s mouth was on your cunt, or Santi’s body was incassing Francisco.

It had been nearly 3 weeks since Rey’s body was burned, and you were expected to pretend like nothing was happening. Pretend that after your baby is born, Santi won’t have you and Iris killed. Well, definitely Iris. Will had a way of convincing Santiago to follow his lead, and Will still seemed to love you… but Iris was certainly dead. It was probably Francisco and Will who convinced Santi not to kill her, that more stress would surely trigger something in your pregnancy… That was all Santiago cared about. Not you, definitely not Iris. Just the savior…

You wonder if he believes in the savior. You wonder if you even believe in the savior… You didn’t know what you believed, honestly.

Francisco’s tongue explored your mouth for the 100th time, and you tried to find solace in him but it was growing harder and harder as time went on. You felt alone, you felt like Iris was the only one who actually understood what you were going through. Sometimes, when your husbands were asleep, you’d sneak out to the servants quarters. You’d try not to think about Rey or Jonah’s rooms as you passed them, softly knocking on Iris’s door. She’d tell you to come in, and you’d find her in bed, usually crying.

 Carefully, you crawl into  bed with her, and just lay there. Sometimes you cry with her. Sometimes she holds you. Rarely, you talk. Iris would answer questions you had, truth of the attempted revolt as she knew it, Jonah’s affair with Delillah, Beatriz's murder, Jonah dancing at your fathers death. You knew you should hate Jonah, but something inside you continued that attachment. It wasn’t right, he’d tried to rape you, but it was so out of character for him… your brain struggled to make sense of these two versions of Jonah.

After a few hours, you get up and go back to bed with Will or Francisco. You weren’t allowed to be alone with Iris during the day anymore, so you spent most of your time with one of your husbands, and occasionally a guard. None of them were like Rey. They’d all seen him burned, his body beaten and slaughtered. No one wanted to be your friend.

You try to pretend it’s Francisco’s hands on you, you try to block out everything but him, but of course you aren’t that lucky.

Santiago grabs Francisco’s hair, yanking his mouth away from you and to his own lips, kissing him deeply and making Francisco melt in little moans. You can’t help the pang of jealousy that flares up around you. Benny notices too, pulling his lips away from between your legs and planting a sloppy kiss on Francisco’s asscheek, kissing his way to your lover's crack. Soon, you are all but forgotten as Santiago and Ben fight for Franisco’s pleasure.

Ben’s tongue is buried in Francisco’s ass, prodding deep inside the tight hole you’d fucked as well, making Francisco whine and buck as Santiago jerked him off, bringing him to orgasm. Francisco’s seed spilled out onto the sheets, white and sticky rope after rope as Francisco whimpered and moaned. 

Will’s body was firm against you, holding you close with one hand touching your body, the other fingering you and picking you up where Ben left you forgotten. 

You watch as Ben goes straight from ass to mouth, kissing Francisco hard and pulling him by his chubby cheeks away from Santiago. A battle for Francisco’s affection insured, the two men kissing Francisco every which way as Will brought you to orgasm with his fingers reaching around your large stomach.

“Look at our husbands, Madonna.” He murmurs softly in your ear, so soft you can’t help fall into him just a little. “Look how beautiful they are.”

And they were. Objectively, they were all beautiful, sculpted with perfect bodies and handsome features and so utterly obsessed with each other, the clawing at each others skin and biting of their lips didn’t matter. You watch as Santiago draws blood from Ben’s shoulder, a sharp reminder of his position without going too far to invoke Will’s wrath. Francisco clawing his nails down Santiago’s back. Ben edging Santiago’s cock but stopping him as the base, right before climax. You see the matching cuts on Francisco and Santiago’s arms.

They were beautiful. But you couldn’t see their beauty.

You saw Will, who killed Jonah. Jonah, who yes did something terrible to you but was still a father to you. Will, who controlled your every move, who made allowances for Santiago’s behavior again and again and again, who knew what Ben did to Iris but did nothing.

You saw Ben, a rapist who impregnated Iris, who killed Rey.

You saw Santiago, a psychopath who raped and burned you while pregnant, who was responsible for the distruction of so many lives here.

And Francisco, who let it all happen.

*

You fell asleep that night in Francisco's arms, the other retiring to their rooms. You slept with Frankie most nights, Santiago surely letting it go for now until he no longer needed you. What were these last 2 months when he could have an eternity with Francisco? You were deep in sleep, dreaming when something began to wake you. A hand on your mouth. You were certain it was the incubus again, you try to scream but the hand over your mouth is clamped on tight. You open your eyes to see Jonah’s face.

All attempts to scream, to move are fruitless as you wake up, writhing but you are held tightly around the waist, large hands holding down both of your own. Jonah -or the incubus taking his form- didn’t attempt to touch you, instead when you locked eyes with him they were wide with worry. Tired, dark bags under his eyes. You look down. It’s Francisco’s hands that are holding you.

Your body stills, tears forming in your eyes from fear and anger and confusion. Jonah isn’t dead.

Slowly, Francisco’s hand is removed from your mouth to let out a whimper as you turn around to see him. “What’s happening?” You cry to your husband, his soft face looking as scared as you are.

“We’re leaving.” He helps you sit up in the bed, then gets up, getting dressed in the light of the candle.

“No.” You shake your head, inching away from Jonah. “I’m not going anywhere with him.” Your voice is quiet, cracking with emotion as you try to wrap your head around it all. 

Iris’s voice speaks as she lights a candle now, revealing her face in the dark room. “It’s okay, trust me.” She uses your real name.

“But… but he… he tried too…” You couldn’t say the words.

Jonah was knelt at your bed, his eyes pleading for understanding. “I don’t expect you to forgive me for what i did honey. It was wrong. But please… I need you to know I would never, ever have violated you… it doesn’t make what happened any better but… I need you to know how it really happened.”

Shaking in bed, you look to Iris, the only face here you could trust for truth. “Just here him out. I won’t tell you how to feel.”

Francisco gently tugged you out of bed, dressing you in warm clothing and putting socks and shoes on as Jonah told you what happened. He explained how Will made him a deal, a chance to get Iris out. How Will gave permission to rape you, but he swore up and down he’d kill himself before he took it that far, that he would never have touched you or hurt you, he just needed to scare you.

You couldn’t process this. Will was… Will. You didn’t trust him, but Will protected you! He’d never let someone hurt you to scare a lesson into you!

“No…” You say as Francisco ties your shoes. “No he wouldn’t let someone hurt me… he took a bullet for me!”

Iris shushed you harshly, but Jonah shook his head. “No, he didn’t. Melody was trying to kill Ben because he raped her. Honey…” He sighed. “Iris… she told me about the “incubus…” I thought you knew…”

You blink. “Knew what?”

“Will. He was coming into your room every night… I didn’t- Rey and I thought… we didn’t think he was doing it when you slept. I’m sorry.”

No. No, Will wouldn’t do that. Will wouldn’t take you while you were sleeping! Why would he do that when you were available to him all day every day? You remembered what Santiago said, that if the baby came out with blonde hair, there’d be a problem… When trying to conceive, Francisco was barely talking to you, and Santiago was angry at you the first time you didn’t end up pregnant… you were fill most days by the Miller brothers multiple times…

This baby was likely one of theirs.

“Madonna…” Francisco whispers wrapping his arm around your middle. “We have to go. We’re getting you and Iris out.”

*

Down the halls, you sneak, the four of you walking as quietly as possible and navigating where guards are posted, where the floors creak and moan the most, and how to avoid Ben or Santiago or Will. 

Your heart was beating a million times a minute, your skin on fire with fear, holding your belly. You needed to be brave. This was no life for your baby to grow up in, Santiago was not a parent to raise a child…

For the first time, you realize why your dad was willing to tear everything he knew apart to make a better life for you.

“This way.” Francisco motions, but Jonah stops, making you and Iris stop too.

Jonah whispers. “You said we were going this way? That way is past Ben’s room.”

“There was a change in the guards, Will has them all posted along that side now.”

“And you just now thought to tell me?”

“C’mon.”

Reluctantly, Jonah follows Francisco down the hall, right to Ben’s room where he stops.

“...Frank…”

But Francisco lingers on the door, hand brushing against the wood.

“Frankie, don’t.” Iris pleads, but you are frozen. Jonah grabs Iris, telling you to follow him but you’re frozen in place. He doesn’t see you not following, or he doesn’t care. His priority is Iris, and you can’t blame him for that. You watch in horror as Francisco knocks on the door, and Ben answers with a wide grin.

“Should’ve known you’d come knocking, baby…” He pulls him in for a kiss, pulling his pouty lower lips between his teeth but stopping when he saw you.

“Why is she here?” he says with disdain. It shouldn’t hurt, but it did. He was supposed to love you. He could be the father of your baby… He’s the father of Iris’s baby you remind yourself.

“Benny, Benny I need you to listen to me, okay?” Francisco pleads, his hands pawing at Benny’s baby face, begging for attention, for understanding and suddenly you know what he’s doing.

“Francisco…” You mutter, disappointment clawing at your throat, but both men ignored you.

“Frankie, what's going on?” Ben’s voice was soft and worried, that tender tone he only ever used on Francisco. He half chuckles, and it’s a nervous sound. “You’re scaring me here…”

A soft kiss to his lips. “We need to leave, okay? We gotta get Madonna out of here… she can’t be with Santi, he’s crazy, he’ll kill her.”

Ben shakes his head, laughing lightly in disbelief. “No way, man. We have a duty here. The savior, Santi-”

“FUCK Santi, Ben, I-” Francisco’s voice crack, holding Ben against the wall, his plush lips trailing the younger man’s skin. “Benny, please, I love you, I love you so fucking much. We don’t need him, we can just leave, we can start a new life… Jonah and Iris are leaving, we’ll be far away with Madonna long before anyone knows we’re gone… We don’t need anyone else, we only need each other… Please, please, please, just… come with me…”

Ben searched his face, blue eyes shining. He touched Francisco’s face with such tenderness you didn’t think possible from the hurricane of a man. Ben with Francisco was a totally different man.

But he was still loyal to Santiago above all else.

“Frankie, let’s just go talk to Santi-”

“No, Ben-”

“We’ll work this out, get Iris and Jonah back”

No, no they can’t have her. They can’t fucking touch Iris.

But Francisco just nods, closing his eyes. “Okay. Okay yeah, we’ll make this right.”

 “Francisco!” You are once again ignored.

Francisco closes in on Ben, caging him against the wall as he kisses him. “We’ll be together, right? After the savior is born, we can be together…”

“Yeah baby.” Ben kisses him back, arms wrapped around his thick middle. “Just you and me. We don’t need no one else.”

Francisco raises his hand to Ben’s neck and you think he’s going to caress his face… but then Ben’s movements halt to a stop. Then, a slow jerking of his body, and Francisco whispering, ‘I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry… I’m so sorry Benny’

Blood trickled down his arm, and as Francisco pulled away you see that Francisco slit his throat. He slowly lowers his lover’s heavy frame to the ground, the younger man’s body still jolting and a gagging, gurgling sound escaping his throat. Ben was dying silently, a complete opposite of the way he lived.

His body shook as the last blood spilled, and all Francisco could do was hold him and cry.

BEN IS DEAD!!!!!!

Also, JONAH IS ALIVE!

next chapter is our finale!!!

what do we think is gonna happen, girlie pops!!!

I have enjoyed so much writing this series, im getting emotional coming to the end!!!!

Love you all soooooo much!

If you like Logan Howlett, check out my new series Be Quiet

How to keep up with the story!

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[godilovecinnamon222]

how to surv1ve thanksgiving and christmas d1nn3r with an 3d mini guide!

disclaimer:

i am by no means encouraging anyone to st4rv3 or to follow this guide, i made it hoping that it would reach the people that know they'll be struggling at holidays and that need this help. i know how scary and how hard it is to try and keep an 3d a secret, this is supposed to help the people that need to know how to avoid the judgement and the oddly terrifying questions that get thrown at them.

how to prepare:

i would say there's 2 ways to go about the day before the d1nn3r, e4ting so that you won't p4ss out infront of your entire family, or f4$ting, this is really up to you. i have a pretty good tolerance for not p4$sing out so i will probably be f4$ting but it's totally your choice!! you can also try and calculate how much your going to e4t and burn c41s according to that (i'll list basic f00ds and numbers at the bottom)

"why is there like nothing on your plate??"

first off the best way to avoid this entirely is to just make a plate, i'd rather avoid people finding out so i can keep doing what im doing

for your plate (if you make one) load it up with tonsss of vegetables or fruit but i feel like fruit is never really served tbh, and some meat bc yay protein, sometimes ill throw a roll on there to make my plate look a little better but i don't ever really eat it, my whole family thinks im a very picky e4ter and they know i dont like thanksgiving food so im typically able to get away with throwing out f00d. and family dinners are so chaotic that people don't even realize sometimes.

you can also cut your f00d up and reshape it etc (yall know this meathod 🙏) to make it look like you at3, mashed potatoes are very easy to spread around and make them look like less. here's some excuses you can use to respond to the question:

" oh i atę earlier!!" this is a classic obviously but if your with people before hand e4t a little something in front of them and really make sure they notice.

" i dont feel to good right now."

" im not super hun6ry" also a classic but in classics we trust!

"last time i atę ____ it made feel really sick"

" oh i'm allergic to ____" allergies are a solid excuse but i wouldn't use it unless you actually have them

" gotta save room for dessert!!" don't worry i'll also be explaining how you can get through that to

dessert:

i feel like this is almost more stressful than the main meal, honestly me and my favorite cousin walk like crazy when ever we're together so sometimes i get lucky and miss dessert and than it sits out but there's no one really makeing me ęat it, for our family dessert is mostly optional and my mom knows i don't like e4tin6 a ton of junk so she won't suspect anything but if your family's forcefull here's a few things you can do:

-go for something that you know is lower in c41s or a safe f00d for you

-have very tiny servings

- bake something yourself so you know exactly what your getting

-talk about how full you are while your eating dinner so people think less at dessert

" i might have something in a little bit!!" try to avoid saying things about f00d, like im still full from dinner or im letting my f00d settle, because than you won't have to deal with "but you barely 4tę anything!!"

know what your 3ating:

all of these are measured by the s3rving siz3 (also going to be listed) they may also vary depending on brands, ingredients, toppings, blah blah blah you guys probably know that. this is basically just a rough estimate

cranberry suace: 86 c41s, one slice (about 8 slices per can take that as you will)

- mashed potatoes: 214 c41s (1 cup)

- sweet potato casserole: 235 c41s (1 cup)

- green bean casserole: 200-230 c41s ( a little under 1 cup)

- green beans: 31 c41s (1 cup)

- broccoli: 31 c41s (1 cup)

- asparagus: 32 c41s (10 spears)

- mac and cheese: 310 c41s(1 cup)

- turkey: 240 c41s (1 cup)

- gravy: 36 c41s (3 tbs)

- stuffing: 300-400 c41s (1 cup)

- rolls: 80-150 c41s (one roll)

- pumpkin pie: 300-450 c41s (one slice)

- apple pie: 300-450 c41s (one slice)

- pecan pie 400-500 c41s (one slice)

these f00ds are mostly for thanksgiving because the whole holiday is centered around f00d and i actually despise that, let me know if i missed anything you want me to add to the list or if any of these are incorrect!!

with all of that said, if you enjoy thanksgiving or anything to do with f00d in general, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!!! no matter where you stand your 3d is still valid. so if you choose to try and make the best of the holidays to whatever extent that may be go right ahead and don't let anyone else stop you, make your self a plate of your your favorite things and go back for dessert twice if that's what you choose, one day won't ruin every step of progress you made, as long as you don't loose yourself entirely you will be ok!!

no matter who you are or how your struggling, your 3d is valid, good luck, be safe, and happy holidays!!!

[jacob-blogs]

Hello gay people in my phone/web browser 👋🏽👋🏽 I miss you all and hope you're had a lovely February!

[applecranberryjuice]

Something something it's a metaphor. Hair as a form of communication but also as passage of time and also as a way for letting people in and also as a detail etc etc you get it

Actual explanation in the tags btw

I'm really nervous about this comic actually, is not the best. It doesn't make sense, and the art is mid, but I put love in it and I think that's enough

[moonlume]

tumblr said draw something bad so I did but I'm mad I still didn't feel anything

[musubiki]

on a more funny and less romantic note i think its a hilarious facet of limes character that he went through all those magic adventures, struggles, and m-34th stuff to avoid losing his best friend because hes so antisocial and annoyed by new people that he didnt want to put in all that time and effort trying to find a new best friend

[autisticlee]

sometimes people who struggle like to make jokes or find positives about their condition that causes them to struggle so they can escape the constant negative and struggle. sometimes autistic people will say things like "the 'tism" or use the "autism creature" or say their autism helped them have a *positive trait* to feel better about their struggles. because living your life only focusing on the struggles and negatives is depressing and makes it hard to want to live, even if those struggle take up 100% of your life and you can't actually escape them. sometimes any little seemingly positive thing can help a lot.

but there's so many other autistic people that hate when we do that and call it "reducing autism to a cute trendy thing" and say it takes away from *their* struggles and is bad and shouldn't be used. maybe *you* want to only focus on your struggles, but some people can't live in constant negative and need some positive or to find ways to make their condition more positive so they can feel better about living with their struggles. life is hard. I take anything I can get.

I cant get jobs. I can't make and keep friends. I can't get help and support for doing "normal" things so sometimes I go weeks without being able to shower and without eating more than a bowl of cereal a day. most times can't even do things I like. struggle to communicate. have meltdowns. i'll never be able to live independently. I struggle a lot. but instead of sitting here always depressed and having no motivation to live, i'd rather try to joke about "my 'tism is acting up again" when i'm struggling (just an example. don't think I ever actually used the 'tism thing but i saw others use it) or say "i'm just being a creature" when I need to stay in my dark room because everything is too much and I personally find it cute to be a little creature meant in a positive way. i'm not actually downplaying mine or anyone else's struggles. I still acknowledge them and that silly jokes dont make them go away. i'm not trying to be trendy. i'm not doing any of the things people say we do by making silly little jokes. i'm using the silly little jokes to convince myself life can be a little more than pointless, painful garbage all the time.

(continue in tags)

[themanwhowouldbefruit]

my doctor was sooooo fucking worthless and unhelpful im going to masturbate and i hope it fucking kills me

[bluestjayy]

Maybe I'm just cursed 🤪

[theood]

It might just be a lot of things. I really don't know. I don't like not having any energy after work but it staves off a lot of our thought processes but at the same time I don't love it. It's tolerable but I want to be doing something else. I wanna be in the dirt and I want to feel the earth under my feet and I want to know she's listening to me and telling me it's ok and I want to take care of her like she's taken care of me. I want to plant trees and cut back weeds and learn to identify our native plants and I just can't do any of that and make a living. It's not even a volunteer opportunity for me. I'm just some random citizen who didn't even go to school for any of it. And I'm so lonely. I'm the loneliest I've been. I love all my friends online I do. Truly and wholly but it doesn't help the fact that I have no one around me irl. And it hurts. And I'm scared. And I am so small all the time. And I just want it to change.

[quietwingsinthesky]

Have you ever played/watched a playthrough of the game 12 Minutes? I think you'd like one of the reveals in it.

I did watch a full playthrough a while back. Unfortunately for this recommendation, I thought it was <3 stupid <3 No offense to anyone who likes it, I just thought the design of the loop in the first place was a bit clunky, the characters were sort of eh, and then the reveals themselves were, as I remember and as they played out on whatever stream I was watching, just kind of bad? A poorly put together story surrounded by poorly put together gameplay, but. like. willem dafoe was there 👍

[ichorandpride]

i have a hot ass take. promised consort radahn isn't much of a hard fight once your frames are not dropping to 10 fps. ty fromsoft for finally fixing the fucking frame issues for pc

that being said, going insane over the music ended up killing me more than anything else

- signed, someone who's beat him naked twice now, once with claws and the other with a dumb pokey stick that did nothing other than pierce damage

[valdotjpg]

i love it when ppl whose artstyle is this like . alucard-esque anime prettyboy kinda thing try to draw morgott so we get fanart where gramps looks like a very tired bishie